#I love when he denies but I dont know if he likes doing it :(
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my big theory about whats going on in the bp universe- pt1
hey guys!!!! im just so excited abt the whole tour and the possibility that theyll release new stuff so i thought. why not share the brainrot with the swarm!!!
this is gonna be a i think 5-part (maybe more, maybe less) series of theories im gonna be doing :)
i also wanted to clarify that these are my theories and i am not in any way claiming they are true! im just having some fun lmao, if u wanna add anything just share with me im curious
(i dont include house of wolves and teenagers in the story btw they just dont fit in for me)
this is the part 1, the beginning.
the black parade, for me, is about death. and coming to terms with yourself. i am going to tell the story how i view it.
the story is about the patient, a man dying of terminal illness, most possibly cancer. he is alone, he is sad, and he has nobody to spend his last moments with. this is about him. and death.
his story starts with i dont love you. his partner has had enough of him: he is selfish, broken, and they dont think they can fix him. so they leave him. and he is alone.
the patient never had anyone he could remember of apart of them: his family? he didnt remember them.
in between that and the next song of the album, his fate is sealed. he gets diagnosed with terminal cancer and admitted into hospital. he has no one there. he cant remember anything about his past, in between these white walls.
the sharpest lives, the next song of the album, is the patient being angry. he is angry, at his partner, at the hospital, at himself, at the non-existent god that cursed him to this fate. he cant die, he does not deserve to. he complains, shouting at no one, about his unfair fate.
in this is how i disappear, his anger slowly starts to dissipate, shifting, and turning into slight sadness, maybe even remorse. he misses his lover: he wants to be normal. he wants them back. he doesnt want to go just yet.
in cancer, the patient is starting to realize his fate: hes dying. and there is nothing he can do to stop it. hes regretting every single mistake he ever made. the patient hates himself. he is alone because he deserves it: dying will free him for all this loneliness. he says his goodbyes to no one. and then he dies.
the end.
he opens his eyes, and he is in a place he does not recognize. a land of gothic infrastructures, tall and cutting the horizon into strange shapes. (we'll talk about this landscape more in the future; remember it.) he is surrounded by silhouettes, faceless people he does not know, but that yet seem so familiar. a young white-haired man approached him, smiling. "welcome," he said. "to the aftermath of your life."
the young man, the parade leader as he calls himself, explains to the patient that he is dead. he tells him that because of what how much of an asshole he was when alive, he is here, now.
in welcome to the black parade, the parade leader tells the patient about this place.
the parade, for me, is the purgatory: they send lost souls there to repent themselves- or, alternatively, to get them to hell. the parade leader and his band sing for them, they sing for them to make them remember all their past mistakes and to decide of their fate. the band is stuck there, in this limbo, forever: what got them here, they do not know. maybe the tour will shed some light on the origin of the parade.
then comes dead!, where the parade leader laughs at the patient, explaining to him that he made these mistakes, that he is unloved and he deserves whats hapenning to him now. the patient tries to deny it so hard, but he knows its true. he knows he fucked up.
in a burst of pain, for knowing that this is his fault, the patient has a vision.
he lays in wet dirt, the smell of blood and death in his nostrils. he hears screams and gunshots all around him.
suddenly, he remembers. the patient went to war, probably world war two (i like to think he went there because of the ghost of you music video. maybe im overthinking it lmao), and killed people there. a lot of people. it was normal to kill people at war, of course. but it haunted him. during the battles, he lost so many friends. so many brothers. the only person he had left was his mother.
mama.
his mother cried when he came back. because she could see the blood on his hands. she cried because her own son had murdered other women's flesh- their families.
she died quickly, too sad to live like this.
from that moment and then next song, there is a big gap that im going to try my best to explain.
basically, after the patient recovered his memories of his mother and the war, he started regretting all that he did even more. at the same time, he accepted it: everyone was imperfect. everyone was human. he comes at peace with himself, and prepares to die. i mean yeah he already died but like just his mind died? like he was still technically alive because his old memories still attached him to the living world.
in famous last words, the patient tells his last regrets to the parade leader: how he couldnt tell his mother and his partner that he loved them: that he couldnt live a long healthy life: that he couldnt say sorry to the mothers of all the men he killed.
but in disenchanted, he comes to terms with that: it is sad, but it is how it is. just a sad song, with nothing to say. there is nothing he can do to stop it, so he might as well go peacefully.
the parade leader, himself, had grown attached to this man: the patient was like him in many ways. he couldnt quite explain it, or understand it, but it hurt to let him go.
and so, in sleep, the parade leader sets him off. his song comes from deep inside, from his guts. it hurts. it hurts so bad to let him go. as he screams at him to go to sleep, there is a flash of darkness. and so the patient ends.
thats kind of my interpretation of the story! a man who is broken and does not know why, who is going to suffer an unfair end, and who finally comes to terms with who he is thanks to another lost soul. ofc, thats just how i personally see it!
last little thing before he start working on the next parts, for which i have wayyy more evidence for what im gonna speculate hehe
blood is the "transition" to the next part of the story. the parade changed after the death of the patient. it wasnt the patient directly, but something had changed after he left. the parade had become more defiant, more unstable, more resisting. so someone had to stop them.
thats when swarm comes in.
feel free to share ur theories with me!! i love to hear them :3
#mcr#death talks#gerard way#my chemical romance#my chemical frank#my chem gerard#my chemical fucking romance#my chemical gerard#my chemical mikey#mychem#mychemicalromance#my post#my writing#the black parade#mcr swarm#mikey way#frank iero#ray toro
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watched the persona 5 proof of justice ova from years ago and was getting acid reflux with how queer everything was... what do you mean its just 20 minutes of joker mourning his boyfriend. that's the entire ova.
#persona 5#akechi goro#akira kurusu#shuake#akeshu#like call me crazy but good god if i had twice the brain power that i do right now i could write a dissertation picking apart the--#--queer themes of shuake alone#something something self hatred something something two sides of the same coin...#i don't know man i think it's hard to deny the very true realness of shuake when everything in canon points to them being tied together#for better or for worse but i'd like to think for better#also the “if only we'd met a few years earlier” thing#why dont you... choke me out and strangle me and dump my body in the river the way that that line took me out#akechi i love you akechi they could never make me hate you#except for when i'm actually playing the game and then i'm filled with nothing but rage everytime he comes on screen#but its loving rage of course
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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my toxic trait is i get really annoyed when ppl make atsushi and akutagawa's relationship about dazai
#like damn let them be their own individuals#not to say we should deny dazai's influence on them especially on how akutagawa's resentment/dislike towards atsushi is stemmed from him#but like does every post about sskk have to be like “and then dazai-”#and i hate the trope that implies that dazai manipulated sskk to have romantic feelings for each other#in general i dont like how ppl sometimes make dazai all knowing other than viewing him and his plans with any nuance but ya know#i'll say “atsushi and akutagawa love each other becuz-” and someone will be like “and then dazai-” like no get him out of here#also im really into the idea of aku letting dazai go at least to some extent and i dont like when ppl like have him hold on to dazai#like they never let him move on from dazai???#like u could be like “aku stops worrying about dazai becuz he realizes he has value” and someone will be like “and thats when dazai finally#acknowledges him and the years of pent up frustration adn the abuse aku went through are finally justified <333"#to add: i dont care if you do like this becuz i dont engage with fanwork that has a differing opinion from me with malice becuz i am not a#child#im just commenting my own opinion about it becuz its something i dont like#like u know i can say i dont like kiwis but that doesnt mean u have to dislike kiwis and r a horrible person for liking them#its like a minor annoyance at best
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Need to get him chastity so he doesn’t have to worry about messing up whenever he’s denying for me 😋
#puppygraham rambles :3#mlm nsft#t4t nsft#I wanna make him deny more but im nervous cause what if he says no D:#I love when he denies but I dont know if he likes doing it :(
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i have to think about chilchuck and laios forever
#random thoughts#dungeon meshi#the fact laios is holding back so much anger and he's the one who chilchuck lets out so much of his anger on#like you've seen how many times he beats on him and degrades him and laios just takes it#they're both holding so many secrets from their party like???#chilchuck's entire personal life. laios's interest in monsters and kensuke.#the fact laios somehow hid his interest in eating monsters from the entire party before this???#laios is estranged from his parents and very close with his sister. chilchuck is estranged from his wife and very close with his daughters#chilchuck thinks laios knows him better than anyone else in the party. chilchuck canonically thinks laios is dangerous and unreasonable#which like? reductive but accurate.#laios holds the lives of those he cherishes above all else. the world could go to hell for all he cares as long as those he loves are safe#chilchuck fears intimacy and could never admit how much he values the people around him unless under severe threat#god. i have to read dungeon meshi again. i need to analyze them#one self-sacrificing dumbass and one self-preserving selfish dumbass#laios has problems putting his needs first when it comes to those he loves. i can easily see that conflicting with chilchucks selfishness#i do think after chilchucks failed marriage he would become more hypervigilant in his relationships once he allows himself to date again#like he doesn't necessarily understand what he did wrong but he knows he did something#god the irony of someone so perceptive failing to recognize his wife's needs#imagining chilchuck recognizing laios is not satisfied by something and he asks him abt it and laios is like 'no im fine dont worry abt me'#like fully sincere. laios is used to denying himself what he needs for others#ran away from home when falin was being mistreated. sacrifices his body in the end when he becomes The Big Guy#suppresses himself to try and make others like him more or at least dislike him less#do you think he'd suppress himself at first when in a relationship with chilchuck out of fear of driving him away#chilchuck's perception vs laios's poor masking fight fight fight#god they both fear each other leaving. laios because he fears being like his father and driving chilchuck away like his dad drove him away#and chilchuck because his wife left him and he didn't fully understand Why.#the fact chilchuck thinks laios should act like more of a leader. do you think he fears becoming a poor leader like his dad?#chilchuck trusts and values laios as a leader and that scaring the shit out of both of them 👌👌👌#this is why they're switches okay
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I wanna work on my digipoke au so bad but i don't know where to start ( ;´・ω・`)
It will be from gohs pov definitely not cause of favoritism
I do have the main digidesten decided and what crest they hold to wich I will tell you now
Ash obviously gets the crest of Courage he is there leader I dunno if I have to explain that at all
I'm giving gary the crest of friendship just cause I think it makes sense with Matt in a way tai's "rival" not sure if that makes sense
Goh gets the crest of love not sure how to explain that Decision
Brock gets the crest of Reliability do I have to explain why? Aside from the more obvious answer him being a pokemon nurse is another reason why I think it works
Clemet gets the crest of knowledge I feel this works well with him
Dawn gets the crest of hope!!!!! It took me awhile to decide what I wanted to give her because I wanted to include her but wasn't sure at first what crest she would fit best and then I though about it and it came to me hope! I think this fits her pretty decently with her catchphrase thing being no need to worry and all that
I might not be as clever as I think I am with that one oandkams
Anywa way moving on! Crest of Sincerity goes to misty im not entirely sure how well this fits her but I think her and mimi have kind of similar enough personalities?
And last but not least chloe gets the crest of light! Now I dont really know if this works as well with her? But it was the last one available so yeah
Anyway if anyone has questions feel free to ask me lol
#im thinking about changing goh and chloes pokemon just becauee as much as i like lopmon and terriermon#cause i think what i want to do is have a mini plot?side plot i forgot what its called#anyway but it wouldnt be to noticeable just a few hints that lopmon seems to be looking for somthing or that they just look kinda sad#somtimes but then when we get to the myotismon plot and we meet terriormon it becomes a little more obvious#anyway but uhmm im still not 100% sure what pokemom i want everyone to have but that might get a separate post when i get there final Desig#s posted#erm goh getting the crest of love is totally not because i saw someone saying he was the mom friend of the group i dont know what ur talkin#about ( ;´・ω・`)#anyway i cant Deny that chloe and dawn being light and hope isnt also Partially decided by my love for#moonlightblossmshipping but i do think hope works pretty well with dawn and i love the idea of chloe and goh being more sibling coded#oh yea i changed some of the relationships?#so Courage and light are no longer siblings neither are friendship and hope#love and friendship still get together in the end and i am a tkair shipper so yk yea#hehehe#anyway this au is purely for myself i just want to share it#(-.-)zzz・・・・#whoops had to fix some text lol my bad#also forgot some tags#digimon#pokemon#im not taging all there names
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#i really want a therapist mostly to talk about things that would be nearly impossible or very sensitive to talk about with lets say a friend#like the times i feel monstrous because i cant take talking to my bro#i love him#i love him dearly but at times i just cant take interacting with him#he is autistic and we are so blessed that he started to talk and can communicate somehow in this way and id never deny this#but the truth is sometimes i get incredibly annoyed especially after prolonged contact#i know he loves me as well and i know he loves to hang around me because i talk to him most often#out of the people he knows#but comes a time when i get irritated pissy and i fear i might snap at him and I really would not want this to happen#it just irks me badly because i know what he will say i know how he will say it he has these phrases and ways of talking he mostly copies or#he does these things like a script and sometimes i dont feel like…#i just know we will probably never connect in a way i connect with my sister which doesnt make it worse but there is just this gap#thats really hard to jump over#and i can see people also have these knee jerk reactions at some of his behavior#and some are very bad at showing it and even get mad#i dont want him to feel bad about something he has so little control over if any#but i also know he feels bad about me distancing myself when i feel overwhelmed#its so hard to navigate this because i feel bad whether i do this or do that
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i hope i die, you broke my heart
#personal#so fucking tired oh my god#just yelled at my sister so loud that my throat is sore over a piece of fuciing plastic#sometimes ecerytbinf feels so bad and its like. what do i even do#like ok i relapse and i need a break from someone and they loose their fucking shit on me#taljing about how you always deal with my shit and youre tired of how i see you as the worst in the group#as if i didnt literally repeat to you over and over again that i love you and that i always will even when you kept denying it#all of the times youve left all the servers and the gc and all that and i was there to comfort you#theres a reason im always the person you go to#byt yeah . im neverrrr there for you#like is it just that im not there for you in the Same Way that youre there forme ??#does it need to be completely equal to be fair#and idk. i know hes struggling too but its so fucking stupid because ive been struggling for months and i dont treat u like tjat#im tired of feeling like i have to do two times more than everyone else ro be worthy of their love#like sorry man but im fucking sick and tired#i know ill be fine without you but like youre so sick right now that i dont know what youll do without all of us#idk im just like. you used to be so kind but now youre writing your name in mu blood#and sometimes i feel bad because i didnt mean evedytbinf i said to you but lets be honest#you didnt mean everyrbinf you said either#and i dont know if you were ever the right person because a lot of the time i think we are just two chemicals that werent meant to mix#but ill always remember you when i hear that one song and im making it sound like this is some kind if goodbye but it Really isnt#but like there was a time when i would tear myself apart for you. mot even because i liked you that much#i guess i just wanted someone that liked me as much as you did???#and when j say that it isnt even about one soecific oerson. its an amalgamation of ecery person tgat has ever loved me#a little more than they were supposed to#i think i hate ahen people love me Too Much because i dont want to be adored like that it scares me#iknow what thats like and i dont want to be someone fp Its so scary#okay if im being honest i dont know whbat the fuck im saying right mow#byt like. idk. im tired and i think im done. tbh#💭
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How to find a job that doesn't make me despair to live
#I LOVE the library but i've been part time for two years and i am not making enough to support myself lmao#i am very fortunate to have a lot of savings but i live alone in an apartment i signed for when i had two jobs and now that my income is#cut in half things are rough#and i have interviewed a dozen times or more for a promotion to full time and they aren't budging#and then yesterday one of the managers was micromanaging me and my shitty coworker was mocking my menial tasks lol#bc he is info staff and i am just lowly circulation so i have to keep my head down and shelve the books i guess?? even tho he doesn't do#jack shit and gets paid double what i do and is full time#like i got scolded and told to stop preparing for my presentation that is tonight bc i should have been making sure the books were in the#right order on the shelves lmao#meanwhile this guy has been booking vacation flights all morning#and even if i get full time and even though i work at a comparatively VERY well paying library#im still not going to make much#i have a degree in journalism and communications that im not using bc that shit made me feel dead inside#and i wanted to do something that mattered#but the things that mattered are not paying my bills or buying me a new winter coat or allowing me to do things like get a haircut or buy#clothes that i like or go out with friends or start new hobbies#and im just like is it worth it??? is this worth it???#like im not desolate or anything but i deny myself things every day bc im fine now#but i dont know how much longer i have to make the money stretch#and im tired#i just wanted to do something real that helped people#every day i get to work around books and talk about books and help people access social services#i helped a kid with homework and an elderly lady access job resources and showed a kid his favorite book series that he got so excited#about that he yelled all in the same day and it was fantastic#it mattered#but#is it worth it???#this was the dream i worked so hard for and now im looking at all that hope and effort like. this didn't save you either#idk yall its rough out here#me
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NOOOO RIGHT 'CAUSE LIKE... the way the Arakawa Family specialize in faking deaths already, I'm sure Jo was so on top of everything. And who better to walk Masato through it right... flight's the perfect time to get started if it's gonna take like fourteen hours...
BUT YES. YEAH. Like The Day Of he's just paralyzed with worry and caught between wanting to do something and not wanting to go against Aoki... maybe at most he chances calling Arakawa telling him to be careful, because that's not too conspicuous given his role in the dissolution, but Arakawa just gives him the old I'll Be Fine Worry About Yourself... and, you know, why shouldn't he; they've always had their enemies and he's Arakawa the Assassin, he can handle himself... he can let himself have that fleeting hope, but deep down... and THEN he finds out and has to act like he didn't mean anything to him and has to go back to his duties like nothing happened... OUGH
Can I just say. Literally such an insane fucking series of scenes in Coin Locker Baby. Because you get Jo's despondence when he's saying he might have killed Arakawa--he's being a bitch to provoke Ichiban into a fight, but it's also an admission his inaction played a part, isn't it... and then you get him expressing that he's familiar with Ichiban's need to protect Arakawa... and then you get the sheer desperation and insistence in his voice when he says he could never kill him... and then you get--I'm not totally sure how clear it is in English--but you get him actively saying his feelings go deeper than Ichiban's without really explaining how... and then you get the tinge of fondness when he's thinking back on the old days when Arakawa lived up to his name... Like. Why Did They Do That. Any Of That.
ALSO. GOD. I've gotten so much shit the past couple days because I said I want to lock Jo, Kume, and Tendo in a room for five minutes For My Entertainment. Reading those tags felt like coming home honestly 😭 Like, even Ichi was ready to kill someone over Arakawa, and Jo was out here threatening to disembowel people [in the dub]. And I Think They Should Be Allowed To. As A Treat. So FOR REAL the biggest "I'm so glad we get to talk" 😭😭😭
On that note genuinely so funny that I took an extra ten minutes re-rendering the video because I forgot to put the "flashback" part in Arakawa's subtitles at first but then nobody read it 😭
But it's also something I've been mulling over because I'm delusional. Getting actors as high-profile as Nakai and Takei back for just A Flashback is kinda crazy to me because Arakawa and Jo's screen-time took up a full four percent of the entire game [over ten percent of the cutscenes] originally. But then if it's multiple flashbacks equivalent to that... what exactly is going on here that the past is so intertwined...
And Because My Brain Is Evil there is the fact that technically speaking, Yokoyama only said that line was from a flashback, and specified Arakawa wouldn't be appearing in the main story. Now of course a normal person would interpret that as him reassuring the audience he won't appear in any present-day scenes, but part of me was like. Oh So A Side Story Is On The Table [<- it's not it's fucking not it will not be in a million years]
JUST. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS COOKING WHY IS THE KITCHEN DOOR CLOSED WHY ARE THE WINDOWS BLACKED OUT
ANYWAYS that's enough from me for today I am [as always] glad you enjoyed One Missed Call and Kyouen, ABSOLUTE bangers
YAYA THATS WHAT IM SAYIN YOU GET IT. UNSURPRISINGLY BUT YOU GET IT ಥ▽ಥ
no but thats what i MEAN like i already was jokin with myself like 'jo and arakawa probably had A Thing right lmao' BUT THEN THE WAY JO TALKED BOUT ARAKAWA AND OBVI THE GENERAL FACT HE COULDNT KILL HIM REALLY JUST MADE ME (。・∀・??) AND REAALLLY LOOK AT EM CLOSER THE SECOND TIME AROUND like genuinely for what. it will fuck me up until i'm dead and gone SOOO unnecessary and yet they did it..
wack that people wouldnt want to see kume and tendo stuck in a room with jo like. from what i know everyone is a part of the We Hate Kume gang so. cmon. kume will be shredded into candy floss within five minutes. it'll be fun (๑❛ᴗ❛๑)
OK BUT NAKAI AND TSUTSUMI'S STATUS WAS A BIG REASON WHY I DIDNT THINK ARAKAWA NOR JO WOULD BE BACK FOR LAD8 THAT'S SO VALID TO CONSIDER THAT its that idea that just has me especially wondering what the plan is. im not expecting them to have MAJOR parts (or in arakawa's case too many flashback segments) but they MUST have a SUBSTANTIAL amount to warrant bringing them back right..
#long post#snap chats#when it comes to Famous Persons Coming Back i was also just like 'theres no way they could get george takei back right'#LISTEN i know the eng dub is not to be spoken of but it exists and it cant be denied takei's REALLY prolific in the states yeah#so i HAD to ask it was WORTH asking myself. unless they decide to swap arakawa's eng VA but w/e its not overly important#moving on. its ok most people dont read anyway no worries about missing a subtitle </3 a painful reality but. we take W's where we can.#OH BUT TO END /MY/ NIGHT THO i LOVED One Missed Call UGH such a good horror movie#i wanna watch it with my dad so bad he loves horror/suspenseful movies and we used to watch em whenever id visit him#KYOUEN'S A DARLING OF A SHOW SO FAR I THINK IVE SAID THAT ENOUGH but yeah......... BIG love........#i'm almost done with it. if i said i finished it earlier i think i lied i cant remember POINT IS I JUST HAVE THREE EPS#i plan on watching them before stream time tomorrow so that'll be cute :]#buuuut speaking of finishing watching things i Just finished watching the first We Make Antiques movie and UGH#love. love love love it was so silly but also really fascinating to watch... team of forgers thats WILD and i loved it..#i wish i had access to the sequels tho like PLEAASE i wanna watch these two be losers more....#they became domestic with each other so quickly like goddamn.. money can do anything#it can make two dudes trying to con each other work together.. its beautiful.....#ok now thats all from ME for tonight. id talk more on the jo and aoki bits but theres a good chance ill do that during stream#or. ill draw it during stream. me drawing is the same as me talking now innit Let My Bullshit Speak For Me etc etc#ok thats all from me fr this time BYE
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there is a genuine part of me that struggles to accept and cope with farquaads death
#i guess i cant deny it but i hate to acknowledge it really#i always have#i rember as a kid watching scared shrekless and seeing what happened to duloc was genuinely terrifying for me#well idk how that special stands on canon#i also feel upset about how at tbe end of shrek4d movie his ghost is destroyed#suggesting he died in a spectral sense#and it makes me mad becaude its like#why this again why again why csnt they just let him be stop killing him#i do love ghost farquaad as much as his living self but its still kind of painful#i have no aversion to ghosts and ghostloving. but i really would rather he be alive and safe thanks#i think this also might be where a lot of my protectiveness of him stems from also lol#moreso a thing that ppl close to me know what i mean#but i get protective and upset when someone tries to talk mean about him to me#^ refers to ppl who just say things to me like about how they think hes ugly or they want to hurt or kill him or are glad hes dead#ik i shouldnt let it get to me because its intent is to upset me and im playing into their wants by getting upset#but its hard to help it#thats my beloved my darling my foreverboy#yoi woildnt talk like that about someone whos irl husband died . ik they arent a direct equivalent but .#sigh. the explanation is im fictoromantic it's fundamentally different#so if you dont get it you likely never will
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did u know sh.arks are cool
#ep#anyway vent time mbmb#i miss my bf#and#i sparked a fight between our parents bc we eat slowly#sorry ig but it would help if our dad didnt insult us everytime we ate yk#sorry we're slow and ruin everything dad#we would listen to u if u didnt insult us and then turn around snd deny that u did??#even our mom knows how bad he is we've sobbed to her so much ab him#he's great when hes happy but if hes even a little upset then we're the worst person in his life#and we have to be fine when his emotions change on a dime but ours cant we have to be happy and obedient 24/7 or else we ruin everything#snd if we start to cry bc of what he says he laughs at us#he's so great when hes happy so why does he have ti be so so mean when hes not#now our emotions are so extreme partly bc of him.and i dont want this#why do we either have to be extremely happy or so so sad or angry or anything#we just tske naps to not hsve to deal with this all the time#and im sobbinf to serenity ab this andni love her but it hurts to.feel like no one else cares#i know.some ppl do but why be such a burden to them and complain#esp when our dad is so great and he just has these lows and highs that are.totally uncontrollable!! and not hisnfault but completely ours!/s#he never treats anything we say seriously and hes such a hypocrite and we want him gone but we love him and we'd miss him and cry#why do.es this have to be com plicated ehy cant we just have a good relationship all the time#i dont want to be blamed for every bad mood he has anymore its so tiring tohear him take itnout on us and insult us#at least with our mom she hears us out but he's the man of the house so what he says is final and no one can argue n shit whatevr#he just yelled at our mom to shut up (in nepali) bc she was nicely trying to tell him to be a little calmer after blowing up on me lmfao#ok im done i need water my throat is so dru and i need to stop cryinf before our familyc omes up#vent
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look i love making sae be the one who's so in love and showering hajun with so much love and affection but it's much more fun to think that HE fell harder than her
#it's the she fell first he fell harder thing. gooodd hjs have such common dynamic the frustrating and infuriating type#like look at first she have a crush on him right but as a model. that girl is literally a moth she gets attracted by those with light#though at first she admires him as a model and knew him through toma- her kamioshi. though i think... she just starts admiring him a lot?#she literally went through a 'highschool crush' phase but late since she was like. at college 😭#observed him... wow he's a lot similar to her than she thought. that guy puts up a smile in front of strangers and keep people at a distanc#he looked... strangely alone. why? even though he have friends too. she saw herself in hajun and... didnt want to be like him#will she keep putting up a face too? will she keep lying to herself? and would that make her alone in the end as well? she didnt want that.#so shes like yknow what? let's be shameless. her friends had been so loving of her unconditionally.#she thought that they'll leave after highschool and yet... and yet they stayed. they keep approaching her.#and come to think of it... they're always the ones giving effort for her right? when it comes to planning for hang outs-#they're always the one to reach out. never her. shouldnt she return the favor then? love them as much as they love her#pour all her heart out. she used to do it- she can do it again. love people unconditionally without expecting anything from them.#surely this time it'd be different. surely it wont drain her. even if there's a chance they'll leave her- it doesnt matter now.#she knows she gave her everything and that's enough for her. maybe she'll feel better if she had realized this when she was a child...#but that's okay now! so for now! lesson learned: dont be hajun#but also sae. just have a different view of hajun in her head 😭??? like she admits she didnt really know hajun before but actually meeting#him must be so complicated for her lol like this guy used to be her crush! and she got to talk to him but holy shit he's lowkey an asshole😭#not even lowkey but he really is a bitch lmfaaooo so like. damn 'i forgot i used to have a crush on this guy like i used to like him???'#'in what way??? (his looks dont even deny it sweetie)' i think her crush on him in the past made her more snappy towards him now lmfao#like 'gooooddd i used to have a crush on THIS GUY??? that's making me piiisseedd' LMAAAOOO 😭😭#i genuinely have NOOOOO idea how they started having this dynamic but it's just. them lowkey insulting each other? not really INSULT insult#but rather bickering masked by politeness? like 💢^^) (^^💢 selfish ohime-sama vs black hearted prince#but the one who's usually losing here would be sae ngl and hajun's mostly the one being playful tho tbf they CAN calmly talk to each other#sometimes they just become competitive? sae herself is a competitive one at first it would be 'oho~ let's see how long he can keep this up~#to 'give up already!!!! my social battery isn't gonna last long!!!!!!!!' and hajun's just watching her lose it every time 😭😭#ah.... my absolutely pathetic daughter im so sorry..... when it comes to him she gets unreasonably annoyed. just who does he think he is?#and yet she can't even feel arrogant around him. she knows bae are on a different league than her. that's why despite being very friendly a#expressing her admiration towards them she still puts up a barrier around them? it's not that deep she have her own close friends#yumeshipping — hajusae [prri]
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remember being a teen and watching shit like soul eater and kimono jihen and thinking god damn i wish I had a perpetually exhausted but badass mentor to help me get through things?
well now im 27 and im the perpetually exhausted mentor with bedhead and a slight alcohol problem to my 15 year old cousin and im gonna tear my hair out about not being able to just let her stay for a bit because i know it doesnt matter fuck all what i say to her dad, shes still gonna be treated like shit just because shes a moody teen with undiagnosed add and an autustic brother who constantly talks over everyone. i suddenly need a cigarette.
#like he was going on about shes doing bad in school because she sleeps late and all she needs to do#is got to bed early!!! reset her internal clock!!#BRO IM LITERALLY RIGHT HERE AT 27 STILL ONLY FALLING ASLEEP AT 5AM AND WAKING AT NOON BEVAUSE THATS NOT A THING YOU CAN CONTROL#ESPECIALLY WITH ADD/ADHD.#IM LITERALLY DIAGNOSED I CAN TELL YOU YOURE WRONG AND I CAN EVEN SOURCE THE ARTICLES THAT EXPLAIN WHY#FUCKING ARE YOU KIDDING ME#im still mad cause i sat with with poor kid while she tried to keep from bawling her eyes out because she made a snarky comment#about her brother talking about his coin collecting (and to be clean its not jus tthat he cant understand social cues he just literally#never stops making noise. we all know he cant control it but we also all know its because his parents denied he was autistic until he was 21#despite the fact he stopped maturing at 11. we love him.to death but oh my god i cant handle it for two visits a year#Of course his sibling feel like they live in an insane asylum)#like yeah it was a rude comment but fuck can you blame her?????? when shes silenced because he talks over everyone then gets awkward#because she has no idea what to say when she DOES get the chance to speak of course shes going to resent him#ALSO NOT TO MENTIONT HE FACT SHES CHINESE AND WERE ARE ALL VERY VERY WHITE#SHES GOT OTHER SHIT SHE SHOULD BE IN THERAPY FOR#DO NOT MAKE IT MORE COMPLICATED FOR HER BY BRINGING ACTUAL SYMPTOMS AND HER SCHOOLING INTO THIS#My god i hate academics like the world does not end because you failed a math class. i dropped out at 16 and all the useful skills i have#i gained after the world opened up when i left and i wasnt being told no thats not on a standardized test you cant do that#im much fucking happier and frankly intelligent than the rest of my family thats wasted time on universities#and like being happy is what matter#why would you wsnt her to be “sucessful” if she isnt also happy#like if school fucking sucks for her then why send her to a rich white private school and fucking SUMMER SCHOOL#imo thats just abuse#like the graded education system is inherently abusive anyway but its worse when its pushed on her like that#i need to move so we have room out east for her to come stay and maybe do some classes free of them#but i dont work and cant drive so i cant help her#hell i can barely take care of myself#but im just so fucking mad on her behalf and she doesnt deserve to feel this way#its happened twice in the three days shes been here#just they all need therapy but they need to fucking listen to her ans i know she wont even feel okay speaking up
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#cant believe i spent three years telling myself he was just a guy and i was in love with the idea of him not the real him#and that he was nothing special yada yada yada#and then he had the AUDACITY to come back into my life and prove to me that i was WRONG#and i tried SO HARD to deny it but hes SO GOOD goddamn him#hes sooo kind and thoughtful and smart and gentle and i HATE HIM i want to see him every day for the rest of MY LIFE#i want to make him breakfast!!! do you know how bad it has to be for me to want to make a man ANYTHING?#i want to cook a nice warm breakfast and bring it to him in bed and wake him up gently and all that shit that makes me want to VOMIT#FOR A MAN#i cant stress how fucking out of the ordinary that is for me#and still he wants nothing to do with me!#he cares about me. and he obviously thinks im smart and has a pretty good opinion of me#and theres no doubt hes attracted to me cause he cant treat me like a normal fucking human being and be my friend without hitting on me#but he does not WANT ME#he doesnt eat breakfast! hes always in a rush in the morning so he prefers to just skip it! he wouldnt eat breakfast in bed anyway!#and now that ive finally come to this realisation hes fucking MOVING#and im the only one he told like WHY would he do that when he knows i cant be normal about him!!!#and when i reacted the way that i did to the news he tought i was worried about my promotion of all things#cause yeah hes also my boss in all of this since things were so easy#and im like how can you be the smartest person i know and also so fucking DUMB i dont give a shit about a promotion i want you to STAY#STAY.HERE.WHERE I AM. WHERE I CA MAKE YOU BREAKFAST AND PRETEND I JUST CASUALLY BROUGHT FOOD TO WORK WHEN I BROUGHT IT JUST SO THAT I COULD#OFFER IT TO YOU AND YOU COULD SAY NO. I KNEW YOU WOULD SAY NO AND I STILL WANT YOU TO STAY#and i cant say that to him cause i know he KNOWS and thered be no point but im fucking going craaaazy over this like THIS IS NOT ME#and in all of this i know i deserve better. cause i know hes stringing me along whether hes aware of it or not but im tired of this#this has been going on for five years now. im tired of it#and yet i yearn😩 boy do i yearn#anyway ill be back in a couple of months with the next installment of how this 5y half situationship is fucking over my life#for the time being just#ignore me
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