#I know I’m lucky to have all I do
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Sometimes hard not to be upset at all the neglect and abuse we’ve had, and how we’re stuck. I start severely dissociating the minute I feel An Emotion. The others don’t get to actually live. Everything we feel is numbed due to all the trauma responses going on. And it’s so so hard to be ok.
#antlerkitty screm#tw abuse#tw neglect#sorry for the vent#:(#I know I’m lucky to have all I do#It’s a miracle I have a girlfriend who loves me unconditionally#But sometimes stuff reminds me of all the shit we’ve been through and how we can’t escape this brain/body prison
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Maybe I’m just being dramatic but it does legitimately scare and sadden me to see that a lot of transandrophobia truthers are literally just…young boys. Like, actual children. Like you’re not even old enough to vote yet and you have your whole life ahead of you and yet you are being manipulated into joining an mra group that hates trans women with a passion and thinks that men are oppressed in society for being men, and constantly uses Black men as their talking point in order to sound diverse and inclusive, meanwhile they’re also appropriating and misusing terminology specifically created by Black women to talk about our own oppression in order to get their misandry point across…to say nothing of the fact that the largest people in this group(including but not limited to its creator!) have misogynistic rape/detrans kinks centered specifically around preying on lesbians and trans women and this is something that is normalized and defended by the vast majority of transandrophobia truthers, or at least defended viciously by every single transandrodork that I’ve ever encountered who argued with me(a lesbian!!!) that actually there’s nothing wrong with getting off to the corrective rape of women because two consenting adults can do whatever they want in the bedroom(yeah right)! Not to mention I have yet to come across a transandrophobia truther who wasn’t also a raging die-hard Zionist.
And that’s why it disturbs me so much to see young trans boys jumping onto this transmisogynistic hate train like you guys realize these men don’t have your best interests at heart, right? They’re only going to manipulate you into being a sexist entitled asshat who shuns and bullies the trans women in your community and sees them as oppressing you. Like I know you’re still in middle/high school but you can still think for yourselves, you can choose to be better than this, you can choose to actually learn about feminism and realize that it’s not actually misandry that oppresses you, it’s transphobia. Misandry doesn’t suddenly become real because you slap a trans paint over it that’s not how it works that’s not how intersectionality works that’s not how any of this shit works. There are better trans men to talk to about trans issues who know that the patriarchy is real and don’t shit on trans women in order to speak out about trans topics, so go seek them out, okay? You absolutely do not have to listen to shit that the “male supremacists but trans” group of lowlives has to say. Hell, tell them to fuck off instead! Please, I promise you that there are much better options, there are ALWAYS better options, and you still have time to escape before they fully radicalize you into basically being an incel. There will ALWAYS be another way. ❤️
#transmisogyny#trans women#trans#lesbian#lesbophobia#transandrophobia is not real#sexism#misogyn#misogynoir#anti-blackness#racism#tw corrective rape#op#yes this is a vaguepost no i’m not naming names bc he’s a minor and i don’t want him to get harassed#but it does legitimately unnerve me and make me so sad#i normally mock transandrobros brutally if they’re older than me but when they’re children which is disturbingly becoming quite common#like sweetheart you still have recess what are you DOING#i don’t wanna sound like i think kids are stupid or know nothing or anything like that#because like i said many of them CAN make the choice to be better#it’s just also true that many kids are very impressionable and vulnerable and don’t have anywhere else to turn to so it’s hardly a surprise#that many of them turn to people who are really not worth listening to such as in these cases#so when i see a transandrophobia truther ruthlessly arguing that men are oppressed and then i go to their profile and it says 14 it’s like#how am i supposed to make fun of that now i’m just sad they need help#or to just grow up lol#if they’re lucky then these teenage trans boys will mature out of the idea that misandry is real and trans women are speaking over them in#the community/the source of all their problems#if they’re not lucky then they’ll turn out like…your everyday mra ig and no one wants to see that#at least i don’t
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I think one of the most interesting ways to write Steve’s parents (or his mom, at least) is as a deeply flawed person with good intentions.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a fic where they’re just bad people. Sometimes that’s all you need for a good story and this is not a criticism of anybody’s interpretation.
My personal preference in writing his parents is as people who are trying to be good parents.
Like, im currently messing around with this AU concept where Steve has a really complicated family dynamic. In it, he has bad parents. His mother made a choice to follow her husband because she thinks it’s the only way to preserve her marriage and thus preserve a good life for her son. It’s not malicious neglect but it is neglect. She’s trying to do the right thing but she’s making the wrong decisions. In the end, she’s still hurting her child.
A couple years ago I wrote this fic about Steve spiraling into a severe depression and his parents are trying to help him. They just don’t listen. They don’t understand what he’s dealing with and they make the wrong choices when trying to help him. Everybody that tries to help him makes the wrong choices, but with the best of intentions. Steve says repeatedly throughout the fic that it’s not his parents fault they don’t know how to be parents.
It’s really fun to write and it’s really cathartic if your relationship with your parents isn’t easy.
#I’m very lucky to have great parents but I don’t have parents who really understand me#so you know…✨inspiration✨#I also have an unfinished companion piece to a fic where Steve is dying#and in the foc Steve talks about his dad going out of town while his son is actively dying#he mentions that his dad had watched both his parents die slow deaths and implies that his parents are killing his in their minds to#make it easier when he actually dies. which isn’t a good to do but it is an incredible hard situation to be in#people don’t make the right choices all the time and I think it’s an interesting place to explore in your writing#again this isn’t like a diss at people who write them as like evil#I do that too. there’s not a lot of depth to his parents in the tiktok saga#steve harrington
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to complement this post
I think the red hair pirates would be obsessed with S-Hawk too! Especially the main group who've known Mihawk through his teenage marine hunting phase.
Benn would know they are walking on thin ice but look at him! He’s a little baby Mihawk! Look at his little uniform shirt tucked into his little shorts. Every angry and threatening expression s-hawk could make would mean nothing to a crew that has seen the real thing live and in color. It would just be adorable like look at his little frown! His glare! The threat of disembodiment in his eyes! Adorable
Mihawk is very uncomfortable with how much the red hair pirates fawn over and adore what is essentially a manufactured baby him. But yet also somehow touched? By it. He’ll kill everyone and then himself before he admits it tho
Yasopp, who actually did know a shorter 19 year old Mihawk, would ask him if he was that adorable but tiny (still can't comprehend that the seraphim are infact giant) as a child and if he had any pictures, and Mihawk almost takes his head.
#Mishanks#something about people being kind to the younger version of yourself when you haven’t known much kindness#I think it’s also a-hawk has his exact temperament maybe even worse cause he doesn’t even really speak#but they like him because of that not inspire of it which means they’ll probably like him too if he’ll let them.#little does he know they already do and lucky roux yasopp and Benn adore him#benn would have to repeatedly explain that that is a murder robot and not a baby bird#I think they should by whatever miracle find pictures of an actual baby mihawk and they hang it on the fridge next to Luffy's wanted poster#throwing thoughts to the void#I do like desperately need S-Hawk and Mihawk to meet#I hope they do because I’m so interested in how the warlords would react to that#like there’s a younger version of you that was created without your knowledge or permission#it’s essentially a mirror to your childhood that suffers all on it own and you’re told it has no autonomy#but you can see the hints of a personality they are trying to suppress#red hair#red hair shanks#red haired shanks#red hair pirates#red haired pirates#dracule mihawk#hawkeye mihawk#akataka#mihawk x shanks#seraphim#one piece seraphim#one piece memes#one piece funny#op#one piece#shitposting#s hawk
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It’s disability pride month, and if you are disabled in the U.S. from Long Covid I want you to know that you’re not alone, and you’re valid in whatever you feel. Whether that’s sorrow at your new problems or rage at society for failing you, you are valid, and it is truly messed up that society is continuing to fail you.
#disability#trauma#chronic illness#long COVID#COVID#Tbh I’m not sure if I have long covid or not but I keep swinging between despair and fury#The brain fog SUCKS#I might have always had it but it feels especially bad now?#And I have all kinds of respiratory problems that got exacerbated#And possibly chronic fatigue but it’s unclear#And I’m one of the lucky ones!!!#I can still exercise without needing three days of bed rest after!#I was so RELIEVED when it turned out I could do that#I did like. Three weeks of breathing rehab to make sure#Not sure if it helped but now I’m not getting post-exertional backlash nearly as much anymore#And I didn’t lose my sense of smell or get my taste messed up#And I don’t need a respirator just an inhaler and some allergy meds and to take frequent breaks#And like. I know so many people have it worse#And that suuuuucks#But EVEN THIS makes me want to scream and rail half the time#Update as of Sept 2024 �� this is no longer true#Got Covid again and now I can’t exercise without being too tired to move for three days#🙃#Probably will die mad about this actually#I had SUCH a good time working out one night#But then the next morning#Nope#head-to-toe muscle pain#couldn’t do any chores#Couldn’t even feed myself
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Suddenly got smacked with a wave of end-of-season grief and I’m so sad you guys someone come hold me 😭😭😭
#I’m gonna try to channel this into the fic I just started but#god…#this season is really over#there will really be no more for at least a year…#I know we’re very lucky to have a renewal and a guaranteed season 3 but#the way my brain responded to this season was SO INTENSE…#anyway I’ll be fine and we will have plenty of things to entertain ourselves#I can’t wait to do a full seasons 1 and 2 rewatch and make too many posts about it#and finally catch up on all the old promo stuff I missed#and write so so so much fic!!!#watch Sam’s entire filmography 💀#interview with the vampire
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i am yearning so bad for my twinnies rn….. goodnight everyone ily all so so much !!! 🩷🫶🏻
#p.s. i was having a kinda rough night earlier?#but between listening to gvf…. and the people who saw i wasn’t doing well and reached out….#i’m genuinely feeling better now 🥺 so thank you. fr. i’m so so lucky to know all of you!!!!#not to mention court. my beloved. thank u for being my best friend for all things gvf and beyond. ily#anywayyyy i wanna smooch from a kiszka twin. and snuggles until we fall asleep. ok <3#li speaks#jake#josh
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Your art is FANTASTIC and the random observations/polls/interjections you make have really helped to fuel the DA fandom in positive ways! Which it definitely needed after Veilguard's release, lmao. It's always a pleasure to see you on my dashboard!
That's very kind of you to say oh my gosh thank you so much. I'm just bumbling around and every once in a while I say something people think is worth sharing, and I like sharing what other folks feel/make too! I'm glad I'm a not too much of an annoyance xx
I think my favorite thing about having this blog is the notes I see on other peoples posts I rb, it’s nice seeing all sweet things get things sent an artist way or conversations/theories carried on in a rb chain
It’s a big ol show n tell and it’s a wonderful reprieve from my normal day to be able to see other folks stuff too ✨
#I have a bunch of asks turned peanut gallery thoughts i haven't answered sorry guys i've been a workin...whatever i am#and ask asks too... oh no ahhh#asks for bee#thoughts from the peanut gallery#It's a very beautiful sandwich I just wish it had more meat instead of lettuce if that makes any sense?#and there's nothing wrong with being disappointed with what shipped#i dont think you should put something you love so high up on a pedistool that the flaws can't be seen anymore...#but going out of your way to be an ass to someone isn't my gig so i'm happy folks that follow this blog feel that same way#I want this to be a little safe space that's not just entirely one point of view#and I'm really lucky that I have so many people following this blog that are kind to each other in the notes when i rb something that isn't#-a shared feeling with everyone#its really cool that for the most part folks are respectful to one another in my tags/comments#like i wouldn't been able to ask for the Anders vibe check this time a year ago without folks being mean to eachother#oooo i hope i don't jinx it#ah im rambling again!#thank you for the kind words!!!#this blog has grown so much since MELE and Veilguard#its sweet xx#(I’m of course not without fault and had my share of asshole moments but I’m trying not to let my anger be the strongest part of me)#I know I can be snippy but if I was truly irked by someone I would just block them and move on#and I hope that’s what folks to do with me too#i’m sorry I don’t respond to your asks super fast all the time but my inbox is always open for pretty much whatever#…just not any more dreams about varrics feet please?#I’m still rambling ahhhh!!!#you can really tell I’m snuggled up and about to fall asleep huh whoopsy!#thank you for the chill tumblr space everyone! That’s all I was trying to say!!
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okay so tonight I sat down & drew & scribbled a bunch of drafts in my notebook to decompress and it definitely helped. It was really difficult to write at home but I think being in the mountains & hiking and spending time with loved ones has helped me a lot. I’m supposed to go home Wednesday & I’m going to see how going home affects me, but I’m hoping that I will be able to do some writing & engage in my hobbies when I get home ❤️
#ooc.#tbd.#I do fully expect the first day home to be really terrible#i just have been dreading walking in the apartment#bcs all my cats look down at me when I go up the staircase#and tube would always be like 👁👁 waiting#but I am hoping that spending some time away from home is going to make is easier to process when I get there#lowkey I’m gonna stop by my dads and visit her grave when I get home also#idk I’ve cried a lot but I’ve also had some undeniably good times#so it’s been kind of odd#I feel very lucky that my loved ones have been here to support me#i also went back to Shenandoah and now me and that park are 1-1#it whooped my ass last time I went and hiked but this time I Fucking Won#( to be fair last time was a 10 hour hike and this one was like 1 1/2 but I’ll take the win )#but those hiking endorphins got me feeling NICE#I didn’t realize how much I rely on writing to decompress tho until I took a weeks break#idk shits been crazy it’s been like emtoional whiplash there have been lots of highs & lows u know??
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hello sudden anxiety AND jealousy what did I do. to get you both at the same time about different things…
#lucky me… quite the awful love triangle they’re bringing me into#miss anxiety I. have weeks and weeks to do Both of those school projects… and my test on Tuesday will be Fine we love tests remember…#miss jealously. you are More ridiculous 🙄 less easy to please Alone but. um. they don’t… dislike us. etc. I don’t know </3 it is. okay if we#are not the centre of attention all the time…#saying it actually. Does make it feel worse but. it’s Not okay for me to Expect to. be the centre of attention all the time…#it’s better to Feel worse than to Be worse. I guess. people like me more. when I try really hard and I’m really good and patient and nice
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thinking about how one of the last things john ever tells dean is an admittance that the way he treated him was fucked. & of course this destroys dean and makes it so much harder for him to come to terms w his death right after and with his childhood in general bc he’s spent his entire life chasing after johns approval. he’s spent his entire life telling himself that the way he was treated was okay and justified and that their childhood was good because he could handle it and he was strong enough and that was how it had to be. he’s worshipped john as a hero and seen nothing wrong with any of it. because he’s had to. his entire life is built around this idea there’s nothing else. he’s his dads perfect soldier and punching bag and wife-replacement and suddenly his dads gone & he said he’s sorry and that he shouldn’t have treated dean that way. what the hell is he supposed to do now.
#augh. i don’t know i haven’t seen enough of this show yet but.#thinking about that episode with the abused kid who has psychic powers like sams and sam sees himslef in the kid a lot#but is horrified by the extent of the abuse and keeps saying like. Dean i never thought i’d say this but you’re right dad was pretty good i#guess we were really lucky to have him. it could’ve turned out a very different way.#and deans just like. idk there’s something about his face. like he wants to agree cause this is what he’s always saying but he Cant.#because. well. sams thinking about this kid with circumstances so similar to him who ended up entirely victimised by his father and#thinking Wow i had something that kid didn’t. i had MY dad who was so much better after all (despite kicking me out of the house and#always refusing to support me but wtv)#but really the thing sam had was DEAN.#dean as sam’s protector and john’s golden child and the adult of the family. dean as the person#john winchester comes home to after a hunt the person who tells him it’s okay#dean playing the part of his dead mom and still shielding sammy from the worst of their father and as a result internalising that this was#fine.#what the hell is he going to do now that his fathers dead? after his fathers dead and wrong and theoretically morally weak and admitted hed#raised dean badly?#IDK!!! i’m sure excited to see him continue to break down though#(have just finished s2e2 for future me ref)#supernatural#<- Sorry guys i’m batshit obsessed.#father by the front bottoms dean song of all time#spn#oliver talks
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Me on a FB group for enbies: “Hey so I got absolutely torn to shreds for practicing unsafe binding without realizing it was unsafe, I apologize and now I’m NOT doing that, but I am once again dealing with Massive Tit Syndrome. I know double-binding isn’t safe now so can y’all recommend any tips for looking less Tiddie’d Up because my dysphoria’s kinda going haywire”
The same people who tore me to shreds for unknowingly practicing unsafe binding: “It’s okay! Even fat cis guys have moobs! Yours are pretty obviously breasts that are being compressed but if you tilt your head and squint they almost look like pecs! You don’t need to look a certain way to be valid! You’re perfectly valid as a man even though you look super feminine and curvy and presently stand no chance of even vaguely looking like anything else 🥰🥰🥰”
#tw dysphoria#‘you don’t need top surgery or a flat chest to be valid!’ yes I KNOW that the problem is I’m REALLY FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE in my body#it’s not an issue of ‘I wanna pass and be valid!’ because I fucking KNOW I’m valid#it’s an issue of ‘my physical form causes me mental discomfort PLEASE give me advice for dealing with it’#and in everyone’s rush to remind me of my validity they just reaffirm that my discomfort is justified and I’m nowhere near where I wanna be#everyone was SO helpful bombarding me with angry messages when I did something unsafe and now all they have are empty reassurances#there’s a couple outright bragging about how lucky they are that they’re not in my shoes and that they’re flat enough to bind effectively#why do I bother. why the fuck do I bother 😭#delete later
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#i love my friends so much i am so lucky to have them#i’m so grateful to have people who checked on me multiple times today and let me know they were here for me#💖💖💖💖#also thankful to persona 3 episode aigis for taking the majority of my focus today and the past few days lmao#so i was thinking about that#and not the fact that it’s been 18 years since my dad died#i feel really bad on the years i try to do everything not to think about him#but i’m all alone this weekend so#sorry dad i would like to not go insane i love you and i miss you forever#but i’d like to avoid a breakdown#personal#to be deleted
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i’m so scared of the day people find out i’m genderqueer dude
#i think that’s why i’ve thrown it back into the closet so many times#i think i was hoping it would just go away#all my irls are transphobic. all my irls are homophobic#i don’t trust myself to make new friends#i don’t think i can do that#i’m lucky to have the irls that i do have. it’s not sustainable and i can’t really be vee around them but they’re nice to me while i’m cis#i’m not a sociable person i can’t meet people#i’m going to come out and these people are going to disown me and then i’m going to be by myself as far as irls go#i’m never going to get out of this i fear#sorry#the internalized transphobia is hitting again#everyone can be trans except me yk#to be fair i think the discord has helped because it’s like. i have trans friends i have friends who know who i am and accept that#but the lack of people i know irl who would support me is. alarming
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Goodbye, Fawn
My brilliant friend Fawn (@esterbrook) died on Friday.
Fawn and I met when I was about 24 and she was about 43, and at the time, foolishly, I thought I was the cool one. I very quickly realised that I was wrong, and that Fawn was who I wanted to be when I grew up.
She was independent, funny, smart, and passionate. If there was anything she didn’t like, she would do something about it—she campaigned for abortion rights and did phone banking for US elections. She was sharp and kind and pragmatic and gave amazing advice.
Fawn loved stories and history—we met on an archaeological training dig in York, and later bonded over fic in the Sherlock fandom—and was forever turning up old letters and pens and other things that she breathed new life into. She found a pen at a flea market and tracked down its original owner; she chronicled a WWII romance from a box of photographs (https://www.tumblr.com/a-certain-party-i-love).
For the past twenty years, Fawn kept a diary that will now be donated to a women’s history library. I hope one day someone devotes as much care to her memory as she did to other people’s.
I find it hard to think of many people who are leaving as big a legacy as Fawn. Her activism, writing (also wrote the first book on surviving at work when you have depression), and (towards the end of her life) participation in a clinical trial have helped so many people directly, and will continue to reverberate.
And she’s still not done: even before she was diagnosed with ALS, she arranged to donate her body to forensic science (and wrote about it here: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/28/well/live/my-afterlife-on-the-body-farm.html).
I’m so lucky to have been able to make wonderful memories with Fawn. We went on a road trip in Northumberland and laughed at all the dicks in Chesters Roman fort with her friend Martin, who I would eventually move to Berlin with; she visited us there and baked a derby pie full of bourbon for Friendsgiving. We went to Brittany and got emotional about the Neolithic standing stones at Carnac. We walked all over London and she showed me spots I didn’t even know about despite living there for three years.
In May, I got to visit her in her beloved San Francisco, where she introduced me to tamales, giant redwoods, and her cat Cosmo, successor of Rupert, the fluffiest and most handsome gentleman who accompanied her for most of her last ten years.
We went over and under the Golden Gate bridge, drank many cups of coffee, roamed around the Castro and Haight-Ashbury, waved across the Pacific, browsed bookshops and made sourdough and did laundry and talked until late into the night.
She was diagnosed with ALS less than a year and a half ago, which was the cruellest fucking thing not only because she deserved so much more time on this earth, but because it made talking, eating and living independently—all things she adored—so much more difficult and eventually impossible. She chose to take advantage of California’s aid in dying law and leave on her own terms, because nobody was ever the boss of Fawn, not even death.
Fawn, I miss you already. I always imagined we would one day be old ladies cackling at dirty jokes together, and it’s a crying shame that the world has been robbed of the wicked glint in your eye at least thirty years too early. You changed my life for the better in so many ways, and I still want to be you when I grow up. I love you. Sleep well.
#esterbrook#oh fawn i miss you already#i was so wildly lucky to know her both online and off#she was absolutely brilliant#feels odd not to have written more about our fannish life but i knew her offline first#i’m realising that i may not have read all her fics yet and i now get to do that
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taylor swift wrote all the young dudes, no one believed it was really her, and then she wrote the great war to prove them wrong.
#i’m not saying taylor swift did absolutely 100% for sure write atyd#but i do think it’s very possible#especially considering that when atyd was published she was in her era of hiding from the media and from everyone#and before you say “taylor swift doesn’t know enough british slang to have written atyd”#have we forgotten joe?? her LONDON boy?? she literally lived with a brit#i’m sure he would’ve been more than happy to help her out with some words#after all#he loved her#and not to mention#taylor swift was born in 1989#mskingbean89#has a birthday on september 4#9+4=13#13 is taylor swifts lucky number#in case you forgot#or didn’t know#and we know taylor has the ability to write fast while also writing well#as proven by folklore and evermore#she was betrayed by one of her best friends#and someone she trusted sold her music#her life’s work#to someone she hated#she definitely would have understood the feelings of loneliness and betrayal remus experiences after lily and james’ death#we know that writers like to explore their own feelings and traumas in their works#in chapter 175 (when remus is dealing with his friends’ betrayal) mskingbean89 says that she wrote it immediately after chapter 1#she was definitely eager to get to the part where she could get really into her feelings#and need i mention cardigan?#so yeah#im not saying taylor swift wrote it but she very well could have
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