#and not the fact that it’s been 18 years since my dad died

[bilestat]

[inkskinned]

she's three years younger than i am, and i put on cascada as a throwback, cackling - before your time! i've been borrowing my brother's car, and it's older than dirt, so the trunk is like, maybe permanently locked. when the sun comes through the window to frame her cheekbones, i feel like i'm 16 again. i shake when i'm kissing her, worried i won't get it right.

in 2003, my state made gay marriage legal. where she grew up, it wasn't legal until 11 years later - 10 years ago. if legal protections for gay marriage were a person, that person would be entering 5th grade. online, a white gay man calls the fight for legal marriage boring, which isn't kind of him but it is a common enough opinion.

it has only been 9 years since gay marriage was nationally official. it is already boring to have gay people in your tv. it is already boring to mention being gay - "why make it your entire personality?" i know siblings that have a larger age gap than the amount of time it's been legally protected. i recently saw a grown man record himself crying about how evil gay people are. he was begging us, red in the face - just do better.

i am absolutely ruined any time my girlfriend talks about being 27 (i know!! a child!), but we actually attended undergrad at the same time since i had taken off time to work between high school and college. while walking through the city, we drop our hands, try not to look too often at each other. the other day i went to an open mic in a basement. the headlining comedian said being lesbian isn't interesting, but i am a lesbian, if you care. as a joke, she had any lesbian raise their hand if present. i raised mine, weirdly embarrassed at being the single hand in a sea of other faces. she had everyone give me a round of applause. i felt something between pride and also throwing up.

sometimes one thing is also another thing. i keep thinking about my uncle. he died in the hospital without his husband of 35 years - they were not legally wed, so his husband could not enter. this sounds like it should be from 1950. it happened in 2007. harassment and abuse and financial hardship still follow any person who is trying to get married while disabled. marriage equality isn't really equal yet.

and i don't know that i can ever put a name to what i'm experiencing. sometimes it just feels... so odd to watch the balance. people are fundamentally uninterested in your identity, but also - like, there's a whole fucking bastion of rabid men and women who want to kill you. your friends roll their eyes you're gay we get it and that is funny but like. when you asked your father do you still love me? he just said go to your room. you haven't told your grandmother. disney is on their 390th "first" gay representation, but also cancelled owl house and censored the fuck out of gravity falls. you actively got bullied for being gay, but your advisor told you to find a different gimmick for your college essay - everyone says they're gay these days.

once while you were having a hard day you cried about the fact that the reason our story is so fucking boring to so many people is that it is so similar. that it is rare for one of us to just, like, have a good experience across the board. that our stories often have very parallel bends - the dehumanization, the trauma, the trouble with trusting again. these become rote instead of disgusting. how bad could it be if it is happening to so many people?

i kiss my girlfriend when nobody is looking. i like her jawline and how her hands splay when she's making a joke. there is nothing new about this story, sappho. i love her like opening up the sun. like folding peace between the layers of my life, a buttercream of euphoria, freckles and laughter and wonder.

my dad knows about her. i've been out to him since i was 18 - roughly four years before the supreme court would protect us. the other day he flipped down the sun visor while driving me to the eye doctor. "you need to accept that your body was made for a husband. you want to be a mother because you were made for men, not women." he wants me to date my old high school boyfriend. i gagged about it, and he shook his head. he said - "don't be so dramatic. you can get used to anything."

the other day a straight friend of mine snorted down her nose about it, accidentally echoing him - she said there are bigger problems in this world than planning a wedding.

[rafeandonlyrafe]

the same tv

words: 1.8k

warnings: 18+ only, smut, unprotected sex, p in v sex, parent death, funerals, robbery, redemption/forgiveness, addiction, drinking (wine, not like hard drinking), tickling, cockwarming, they call themselves kids at one point but at no point are reader or rafe under 18, like itll make sense once you read it in context

the first thing you do when you enter your house is kick off your shoes. the next is to stop holding back your tears as they stream down your face. you can't even sob anymore, just silent, steady tears.

you sigh as you look around the entryway. there's been some changes since you moved away, despite only being out of your parents house for a little over a year. they replaced the grand portrait that was of your mom's parents with one of you, now taking the place of honor.

you look away before you get to the rest of the family photos. you've seen enough at the funeral. you walk further in to the house, bare feet against the shiny wood floor.

you pause when you hear something further in. you haven't forgotten how the old house seemed to speak, groaning and settling during strong winds or when too many people were crammed between it's walls.

this sound seems different, but you're also occasionally sniffling, your ears are shot from blasting music in an attempt to distract yourself, so you shrug it off and walk further into the living room.

the sound suddenly makes sense as you see someone stood in your living room, arms holding up your parents flat screen television, awkwardly trying to carry it.

you aren't even mad. you honestly don't care about the tv. or the fact that someone is trying to rob you.

you let out a bitter laugh before you sink to the floor. “of fucking course this happens.” you are glad you still have your purse slung from your shoulder as you pull your wallet out, quite aggressively throwing it at the robber who has now frozen.

“what?” he questions, lowering the tv to the ground and pushing his hood of his head, a dumb move for someone currently committing a crime.

“this has been the worst week of my life and now you're robbing me. just my fucking luck…” you let out a broken sob. “just take whatever you want and leave.”

the only things that matter to you still in the house aren't actually worth anything anyways. the photos of your parents, your dad's cologne that's half empty, the oak tree that your childhood dog is buried next to.

“i thought the people who lived here died.”

you pick your head up, a look of fury overtaking your face.

“they did. they're my fucking parents! and now they're gone and you're fucking robbing me! get the fuck out!” you stand up, pushing at the robbers chest.

he looks familiar, like you should know who he is but can't place him.

“im-shit. im sorry.” he says, allowing you to shove him away and out the door. 

“im really fucking sorry!” he yells again before you slam the door shut.

-- years later --

you park your car in the driveway instead of pulling it all the way into the garage like you know you should, but you need to know if you're correct about the man sitting on your front step.

“you're the kid that tried to rob me.” you say as you walk the sidewalk to the porch.

“yes.” he says, looking ashamed and a whole lot more grown up. “i was an addict and i owed a debt. my dad had just kicked me out of the house and i was on my own for the first time. it was stupid of me, but when i heard the people living here died, i thought it'd be a victimless crime.”

he sighs deeply, like even just thinking back to that time physically hurts. “i didn't even think that someone could have inherited the house. im so, so sorry.” 

he swallows thickly. “my mom died when i was young. my dad- my dad just died recently. he faked his death and i got him back, but he's actually gone this time. you know what you said about the worst week in your life?”

you think back those years. it's mostly a blur, especially the days surrounding your parents car crash and funeral, but you do remember breaking down in front of the robber. you nod gently, waiting to hear the end of his speal.

“i know what you mean now. and im sorry i hurt you. im sorry about your parents dying.” he pulls something out of his pocket, extending his hand.

you look into his open palm, realizing it's a ornate gold necklace.

“no.” you shake your head. “you keep it. you don't need to bribe me to forgive you.”

“i want you to have it.” he says. “it's… it's not a lot, but it's something. something to help make up for what ive done.”

you reach forward, carefully taking the necklace out of his outstretched hand, carefully not to accidentally bump his skin. 

“thank you.” you say, admiring the way the sun gleams off the metal. 

“im rafe, by the way. rafe cameron.”

“y/n.” you respond, undoing the clasp of the necklace.

“here, let me.” he takes it out of your hands, moving quicker than you can think as he steps around you. your hair is already up in a bun, so rafe is able to reach around and easily place the chain around your neck.

“thank you.” the weight of the necklace feels comfortable against your skin, like it's the last finishing touch you need. you are wearing your mother's earrings, your father's bracelet, and now you have the other piece of what made that time in your life so miserable, your robbers necklace.

“i… i guess ill be going now.” rafe says.

you turn and watch him walk away. you recognize so much of your former self in him, the clear grieving he's going through.

“are you sober now?” you call out before he reaches the end of your driveway.

“sober enough.” he shouts back. rafe doubts he'll ever truly be clean, but he can at least manage now, doesn't need the drugs like he used to.

“then come back for dinner tomorrow. we can talk.”

you can see the smile stretch over his features. “ill be there.”

-- three months later --

“shit.” rafe says, head snapping over to you. “this is the same tv.”

you giggle and nod, surprised it took him so long to realize. “i never really watch tv on the actual tv, so no need to replace it.” you shrug, the gold necklace still draped over your neck. you haven't taken it off except to shower and sleep.

“god, thats crazy.” rafe looks over to you. “imagine if we just talked back then.” 

you shake your head. “you just think you want that because we get along now. we were both in bad places.”

“you don't think we would have been hooking up back then?” rafe asks, raising an eyebrow at you, watching the way your thighs press together at the mere mention of hooking up, already feeling the urge to sleep with rafe even after having sex only a couple of hours ago.

“we were two scared kids. if we were hooking up we definitely shouldn't have been.” you giggle, reaching your wine glass out for rafe to refill, which he is glad to pour a more than healthy amount in.

“and now?” rafe looks down at his lap.

“and now we are two slighty less scared slightly older kids.” you giggle again, taking a deep sip before leaning across the couch cushion to press a kiss to rafes cheek, the movie you had put on long forgotten.

“rafe.” you wait until he looks you in the eye. “im here for you.”

“god, what have i done to deserve you?” rafe wraps his arm around your waist, pulling you on top of him as he flops back onto the couch. 

you let out a laugh before it's cut off with his lips. he kisses you heavily, hand against the back of your head, not allowing you to pull away, not that you want to.

you let himself get lost in your kiss. you wish you had someone to support you in the time you needed most, and you're determined to be that person for rafe now.

rafe easily dominates your mouth even though he's underneath you as you quickly work your shorts off, wiggling against him until your bottom half is nude.

you press against rafes crotch, still covered by his sweatpants. you feel his cock straining against the fabric as you rub your pussy against it, wetting the gray material.

“baby, please.” rafe groans. he would pull his cock out himself, but his hands are preoccupied holding you close to him as if his life depends on it.

“oh, now you don't like teasing?” you smile.

“alright, i deserve this.” rafe also manages a chuckle despite his straining erection. “but please. need to feel your pussy ‘round me.”

“alright.” you roll your eyes dramatically. you'll have to get revenge on rafe at a different time for edging you the other night.

you push his pants down his thighs until you're able to reach into his underwear and pull out his cock. you give him a few quick strokes before lining up your entrance and sinking down.

rafe let's out a moan, barely pulling his face away from yours. “you're so wet.”

“it's almost like i like you or something.” you roll your eyes.

rafe laughs before kissing you again, hand moving up to your hair, tangling his fingers between the strands.

you sit on his cock for a moment, adjusting, before beginning to move, up then down, up then down, subtle movements of your hips, not needing anything fast, wanting drawn out, wanting it to last.

the movie is long over by the time rafe finally cums, a hand finally moving down to rub your clit to make sure you get off at the same time as his.

by the time you're both satisfied, you're sweaty and exhausted. you don't even bother to pull off his cock as you rest your head against his chest.

“thank you.” rafe says softly, rubbing his hand over your back. you don't need to ask what for. you know. for being there. you'll always be there.

you look up at him, a small smile on your face. “how are we gonna tell people we met?”

things are quickly getting serious, and while he hasn't breached the subject with you yet, neither of you have been hiding how quickly you're falling.

“what, you think it's a problem that we met when i was robbing you?” rafe says, making you giggle, only intensified by his hand pressing into your side, fingers tickling you as you howl with laughter.

rafe flips you over onto your back so you're underneath him, keeping his cock pushed inside of you.

“maybe we should just tell people we met on tinder.” rafe shrugs.

you roll your eyes. “somehow that's more embarrassing.”

taglist: @drewstarkeyslut @forstarkey @f4ll-for-you @dilvcv @drudyslut @jjmaybankswifes-blog @rafescokenostril @jjsmarijuana @seeingstarks @angelofcigs @cece45450 @babygorewhore @vanessa-rafesgirl @michelleisheres-blog @outerbankspov @drewstarkeyswifehoe @cutielando @sourkittie @rafeyslove @rafeinterlude @bellbottombaby @deeaardiary @rubixgsworld @wearemadeofstardust0 @leighbronk @starkeysheart @pradabambie @tobesolovelysstuff @alexiskirkland @rafestar @brioffthegrid @juniebugg @magicalyoura @cokepewpsii @mysticallystilinski @luvdella @aerangi @vogueprincess @auryyz @raysmayhem-72 @thestarlithideout @marvelfanfics1recs @rafesgiirl @ditzyzombiesblog @chiaraanatra @tobiaslut @drewsephrry @1aarii1 @edszn @theoraekenslover

[zempumpkin]

Ok I've been thinking about the cast of captain laserhawk and it's keeping bugging me cuz they dont have a canon age in the show and I have some hcs and want to talk about it

So I'm gonna start with Rayman since he's the one that is more difficult to get the age, and I'm gonna say. This man is OLD. Yeah I know, people though and think that he's like 40 or something?? And I understand why but he's more old than that and I'm gonna tell why

So like first of all he's been alive since eua existed, and since the beginning of the series they talk about how it's been a long time since eua became Eden, so yea, Idk how long it was but it probably been some decades.

I gonna use Sarah as an example cuz she was a kid and Eden already existed plus Rayman already did his shows, also Marcus was like 20 or something back there I think??? And when he appears again nowadays he looks old (probably 65?? Idk)

And also there's the fact that Rayman don't age, that's one of the reasons he became Eden's star

I think that he's like between 60-70 or something cuz he's been alive since before Eden existed plus I'm using Marcus as an example because his one of the only people that was more close to have lived in the eua before (the other one is Sarah's dad but he died soo)

Gonna talk about Bullfrog now cuz he's another one with the same thing going on

So we all know he's younger than Rayman (cuz of that one line "when I was your age" when Ramon and Bullfrog talked) and some people think that he's 18??? Which doesn't make sense like yes he's younger but not THAT younger

I saw that you turn into an assassin when you become 23, so he has to be at least 23 but by the looks and how much experience he shows to have, I think he would be like 27 at least (the same goes to Jade but I gonna talk about that in a minute)

Also quick talk rn but I don't really ship Rayfrog like yes it's cute but bcs of my hcs my mind can't let me and plus they talked just once, but I don't mind who shipp it and I respect it since everyone has their hc about them, and this being another reminder that this is just how I see the characters I can just talking bullshit if the creators decide to tell us about their canon ages

Moving on! Jade, so as I said before I think she would be in the same boat with bullfrog since she looks and acts young but not that much?? And plus they seem to be closer (as close as you can say when you know a person for like 2 days) so they probably have the same age

OMG I'M TALKING A LOUT HELP HUHHHHH OK QUICK WORK THIS IS HOW I SEE THEM IN GENERAL:

Jade and Bullfrog: 27

Dolph e Sarah: between 37-40

Alex: 2-3 years older than Dolph....probably....

Pey'j: 60 something

Rayman: 70 IDK HUHHHH

WELL SORRY FOR RAMBLING HERE I GOT DISTRACTED ANYWAY

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

I like to think about the Goldenheart boys got together because as we know they've known each other since they were little

I imagine for the movie boys it followed the classic "This is my best friend. I have a massive crush on him but we are just gonna ~ignore that~ because I kinda have to be perfect because Legacy of Gloreth/I have been on thin fucking ice when I showed up" story

And they grew up and those feelings didn't go away, they just ignored them. They both dated other people as teens (Ambrosius dated a squire girl, Bal dated some ruffian from his hometown) but neither relationship lasted more than a few months. Then at like, 18/19 they were so damn whipped and infatuated with each other that it just kinda happened all at once. Ambrosius approached Bal absolutely terrified because if this doesn't work out he is going to lose his Best Friend his World his Everything, but of course, it immediately does. I hc that the Institute and their family/friends knew about them but the media did not. I also hc that they are closer in age than the comic boys, with Bal being just like a year or less older.

The comic boys I picture something funnier. I can imagine Bal getting dumped at the Institute by his dad and this pathetic little blond kid is getting picked on so Bal, full of rage and abandonment, just beats the shit out of the bullies to establish dominance in the social order of these children and also to stop the bullying.

Ambrosius (who is like. 8??) Immediately had the biggest baby crush imaginable and decides that he is going to tether himself to this person until the day he dies. I imagine their age difference is much more than in the movie, like 2.5ish years, so obviously this 10 year old is not interested in the baby following him around but he'll be friends with him because everyone else is scared of him. He protects him and looks out for him and he thinks he's cute in the way that all children see a child like 6 months younger than them as practically an infant.

They're little pals for the rest of their adolescence with Ambrosius not being subtle about his crush and Ballister assuming it will pass because he's just a little kid. It isn't until they're 14/16 that Ballister starts actually respecting Ambrosius and realizing that oh shit. I'm not a little kid anymore and neither is he. They don't actually start dating at any specific point, but around this time they start kissing and lying to themselves that this is a Normal Friend Activity. Around this time also, the fact that they cuddle at night and share a bed is starting to feel a bit more awkward.

They kiss, hold hands, cuddle and share a bed, but are in complete denial that they've got anything more than friendship going on for like 2 years when they sleep together and are like. Well shit. Homies don't do that, do they?

Ambrosius who has been influenced by regressive ideals is sad that they weren't technically "together" when they first slept together and it makes him feel bad about himself. Ballister then makes up a fake anniversary of a couple months prior and gaslights (j) Ambrosius into believing that's when they got together like "nah remember we went out for coffee that one time that was our first date you didn't know that lol"

Ambrosius kinda knows this is a crock of shit but it makes him happy so he goes along with it.

[remembertheplunge]

BLACK COWBOY SHIRT, WHITE PEARL BUTTONS, AND BOOTS WITH SPURS

February 18, 1990. 9pm

Duane D is here. I’ve been with him all day. Since 11am. And, it’s as if we somehow both have found a safe haven in each other.

He sleeps now in the living room—he has trouble sleeping at night.

Duane J.—in black cowboy shirt white pearl buttons and boots with spurs. He horrified the Hilton staff in Sacramento. Duane thought the big grey sterile building was a hospital because the building had a big “H” on it. When we went into the men’s room, they sent in one of their goons to make sure…well—just to make sure. Little miss blonde hair, blonde teeth, blonde life did that. I didn’t tell Duane.

We went on a trip to potentially rescue mom and dad whose personal car break downs were again at it. 

We went to Jeff and Jane's house. Duane didn’t want to exit the car. Jo would have none of that. “We are not afraid of Aids” she told me in private. And, they were polite and kind. They stood in their front yard and watched us go. I’m sure thoughts of their lost 22  year old son rang through their heads. And, a lot of our talk time neath seas of roving schooner clouds and blue slate, water shed skys was about Aids and Aids phobia and Hand to Hand and about our past lives and what has brought us to where we are and then home—and, he listened to Alan Watts—amazing—he listened. He slept

End of entry

Notes: 10/2/2024

Duane was my Aids match in February o/f 1990. I was a volunteer for Stanislaus County Aids Project (SCAP) in 1990. They matched us with people with Aids and we supported them through their illness and death. Duane had Aids. Our Match relationship did not last long and I don't know if he eventually died from Aids. But, the time we were together was intense and beautiful.

In the above entry, we drove from Modesto, where we lived , to Sacramento to meet with my parents and their friends Jeff and Jane (Not their real names). I must have told my parents about Duane and the fact he had Aids, and they told their friends. That led to the interchanges between us, above, concerning Aids and acceptance of those with Aids..

Alan Watts was a philosopher and lecturer on eastern mysticism. I have loved listening to his lectures since the late 1980's.

Hand to Hand was the first Aid's support group that I volunteered for in Sacramento 1986-87.

[graysonshmayson]

AITA for not wanting to help my dad?

Ok so it has come to attention that my (M24) adoptive father (M44) is struggling a lot and I have been begged to move back home and help him by a concerned 3rd party, T (M14). For context, my dad took me in when I was nine after my parents were murdered and I helped him a lot in the family business before I left at 18. After I left, he adopted my brother J (M16), who replaced me in the family business (for more context on that situation, read this post).

J was killed last year on the job, and the family took it really hard, especially my dad, who has a lot of guilt about it. By the time J died, I had mostly forgiven my dad for our past and we were on speaking terms again. J and I weren’t best friends by any means, but we got along. We were brothers. I have a lot of guilt around J’s death too, I mean I literally invented the job that he died doing, but I’ve dealt with it in my own way and am moving on. My dad on the other hand has gotten reckless (which is dangerous in our line of work), vengeful, angry, and even more closed off than before.

I really tried to help him through it after J died. I even looked past the fact that he didn’t tell me about J’s funeral because he had it done as quickly as possibly out of grief. But it’s been a year and I have my own life and work in a different city. I’m grateful for everything he gave me; he changed my life the day he took me in and he knows that I respect him and am thankful. At the same time, though, this man is chronic in his self-neglect. Over and over again in my childhood he went through waves of depression, not sleeping, not eating, and putting himself at risk. All while having near impossibly high standards for me. I always felt responsible for taking care of him when he got like that, even though he was the one that was supposed to take care of me. I don’t think he was a bad dad, but let's just say I’ve unpacked a lot in therapy and I’ve worked hard to set hard boundaries with him. I’ve tried a million times to drag him out of the dark and no matter how many times I do it, he always throws himself back in, usually for the “sake of the job”. I’m sick of it, and can’t handle it emotionally anymore. Even if it took a long time for me to accept it, it's just not my responsibility to take care of him.

T, the 3rd party tried to convince me to move back home to help him, which I refused, and now he’s volunteered himself to fill the position in the family business that J and I occupied. He’s struggling to connect to my dad, and with helping him stay safe, but no matter what happens I always advise him to stop trying to parent the fully grown man. Especially since T is just a kid himself. If my dad wanted to change, he would have by now. It took my 9 years of living with him to realize that. I love him, but I can’t help him. I’ve tried. AITA?

TLDR: my dad, grieving the loss of my brother for over a year, is consistently putting himself in danger/neglecting himself, which is a habit that I have tried consistently since childhood to stop. I’ve set a hard boundary that I won’t upset my life to help him out of situations he stubbornly puts himself in anymore, because it is not my job to take care of him. Now another person is trying to take care of him like I did, and I’m telling him to give it up.

[roe-and-memory]

Hello! Might I ask if you have any Headcanons on strip? He's literally my favorite yet only has like 5 minutes of screen time :'(

(Or any doodles??? Cowboy man???)

HI!! yes of course we do, i LOVE strip

im so sorry this took us so long to get to, but i wont ur time anymore ENJOY!!

DOODLE BELOW!!!

strip grew up with racing, his dad was a racer and he definitely started as soon as he was old enough to. at some point in his life, he and his dad raced side by side. i think he started racing in 1970, probably at 18, his first car was the plymouth superbird and he not only got his number 43, but with his dads winning money he got the actual showroom model of one too. his dad bought it for him as a late birthday gift/“congrats on your first race, kid” gift. he still has both of them in his shop at home.

i also believe strip and lynda were highschool sweethearts. they got married as soon as possible and have been married with no issues ever since. he LOVES that woman with every bone in his body and would throw himself in front of a train if it meant saving her life. i like to think that they went to the same highschool, but REALLY met at a local derby. she won the derby (this was maybe? grade 10?) and he was totally blown away by 1. how gorgeous this girl was 2. the fact he’d seen her in the halls at school 3. the fact that they had such similar interests but never spoke before. he found his way to where she was and striked up a little conversation by complimenting her and starting racing talk. they fell for each other right then and there, but didnt start dating until 2 or 3 months later.

he and tex have been friends for a WHILE. tex inherited dinoco from his parents when they passed on, and when the racer that had races under the sponsor previously retired, tex almost immediately sponsored strip. it wasnt just a “best friend” sponsorship though, they both thought long and hard about it and had negotiations because tex just inherited a Huge part of the sport and they needed a good racer to back them up — so he hired strip, because that man could race with his eyes closed. strip won every one of his piston cups under dinoco.

he is BLONDE. he had a sister too (cal’s mom), most people mistook them for twins because of how similar they looked, both blonde, both with a similar birthmark on their face, and the fact that they were only one year apart didnt help. they were best friends. strip was the best man at his sisters wedding, and she was the maid of honour at his.

——

hi it's roe. you pulled me out of retirement thanks for the req

——

i dont think strip and lynda ever really wanted kids, strip was off racing a majority of weekends every year and lynda still had the odd gig here and there — they were comfortable in their little married life wirh just one another, but when their nephew Cal was born, strip and lynda were apart of his life from the beginning - and obviously not in the overbearing way, they wanted the ultimate titles of cool aunt and uncle, but in the “we’ll always be here if you need us to care for him, we’re here if you need ANYTHING!!” kind of way too. strip took that kid to races with him, set him up in the pits with a headset and his crew chief, and even let him BE the crew chief for one race when he was 9 (with the guidance of the actual one, of course.)

when cals parents died in a car accident, the same one that left cal deaf, it was probably the worst days of strip and lyndas life. the four of them (five, counting cal i suppose) had been a family Together. they were all super close, and to just lose them both like that was destroying. in their wills, everything went to Them. Including custody of cal. so in one day they lost their best friends and had a new life to care for — a very uprooted life, at that.

strip and lynda learned things for cal, like how to help him cope with the loss and trauma he experienced, what to do if he had panic attacks or nightmares, and how to help him adjust to his hearing loss.. and never once did they try to replace his parents. they knew their place in his life would never be the ones of his parents, and they didnt ever think they WOULD be parents, he lost them at the age of 13 when he finally had a proper sense of self and finally knew them, so itd be impossible for those holes to fill. obviously strip and lynda did everything they could to be as close to parental as possible without crossing the line, because the typical aunt and uncle roles felt too distant for the situation. obviously cal lashed out because he felt scared and alone, and they refused to take any of it personally because they knew it wasnt something personal.

strip inherited the farm when his father passed away, the north carolina farm that they grew up in, so he has Acres of land and a huge shop/garage where he keeps all his classic cars and old racecars. they have horses and a forest on their property, and when cal was 14 strip taught him how to drive using the track he’d plowed in one of the fields for practice. cal entered his first “race” when he was 15 1/2, and raced for small leagues until he was 19, when strip retired and cal took his place on team dinoco. strip then replaced his own crew chief and became cal’s.

strip and doc definitely hang out at the tracks all the time, they bond over their surrogate “children” being goofy as hell and even talk about their own racing highlights. strip still cannot believe lightning managed to get THE fabulous hudson, the racer his own father told him all about, who strip had dreamed about meeting as a child until he realized it might be a high possibility the man had died, to ADOPT HIM. absolutely insane behaviour on lightnings part.

I HOPE THIS IS ENOUGH!! i have more but a magician cannot share all his secrets.. or magic tricks.. or however the saying goes..

[grotesque--cooties]

Hellow, I'd like to request a oneshot (btw love the fact you write on your blog that you're LGBTQI+ friendly, in these times every single ally is so damn important :'D) for the Supernatural fandom.

It would be a non-pairing oneshot OC/character (as in the Winchester brothers).

tags: (found)-family, fluff/feelgood, hurt/comfort

My OC, Johnny Winchester, is the older sister of Dean and Sam ('cuz I thought there are already enough younger Winchester sisters who depend on Dean&Sam's protection :D)

So, about Johnny: She's as tall as Sam, pretty buff, proud and lesbian. She's four years older than Dean and watched out for her brothers a lot. When John left them in town in order to get the job done, she would work to earn more money for their food and pay extra rent. Mostly, she'd work in funeral homes because she liked the job.

She and her brothers are really tight and back when Sam left for Stanford, she teamed up with Dean to continue hunting on their own.

I'd love to read either:

a fight between Dean and John when Dean's already an adult and Johnny picks Dean side in order to protect him of their dad

When all the three of them are teens/Sam maybe still a kid: John is gone (again) and Johnny tries to cheer her brothers up by making a fool of herself

Johnny visits Sam in Stanford while he's there studying and gets to know Jessica and talks to Sam how he's doing without the hunting business yada yada

Or whatever comes to your mind, I'm very much looking forward to what you'll write :D

Greetings, beardothebard :)

@beardothebard

OMG I AM SO SORRY THAT THIS TOOK FOREVER!!!!! I SWEAR I DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT YOU I'M SO SORRY BUT PLEASE ENJOY THIS IT WAS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE:)))))

"That Dumbass Johnny"

Synopsis: Johnny, the Winchesters older sister, tries to cheer up her brother Sam when he misses their father...even if it requires injuring herself.

Characters: Dean, Sam, Johnny

Tags: (found)-family,  fluff/feelgood, hurt/comfort

Warnings: curse words(?), bad dad(it's John Winchester tho what do you expect), smacking/hitting(not violent)

Word Count: 1.7k

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“It's been AGES! When is Dad coming back?” Sam said, his tiny body slumped over the couch in the motel.

The siblings had been stuck in a dingy motel for three days, the walls rotting off and the building smelling like mold. The building could barely be described as holding up; yet, it was home for now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John, their father, had taken them all up to Wisconsin for a “job”--says there were 3 mysterious deaths with all of them having signs of possession. 

Johnny had argued with her father, saying she should finally hunt with him as she had just turned 18. She was an adult, she could do these jobs with her father and Dean was old enough to watch Sam. She had been watching over them ever since she was 8, since���since their mom died. Johnny felt ready, ready as she'd ever be to go on a hunt with her father finally but he wouldn't let her.

They had argued the entire ride up to Wisconsin about this, with John explaining that he needed someone responsible for watching her brothers, someone not like Dean who would go mess around with the women in the area….

Yeeeaah her man-whore of a brother probably isn't the best to watch over Sammy but still, he's responsible enough. However, she reluctantly agreed, silently fuming for the rest of that ride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“He's been gone FOREVER!” Sammy moaned out again, signing loud and exaggerated.

Dean was sitting at the small, circular table near the tiny kitchen, sloppily eating a burger Johnny had bought him earlier.

“Shuuut uuup…” Dean groaned out, throwing his head back to emphasize his annoyance further.

“You shut up,” Johnny said, slapping Dean on his head as she walked past him. He made a small ‘ow’ noise and gave her the middle finger, which she gladly returned.

“I'm bored…” Sam mumbled, curling his body onto the couch now, lazily turning his head to watch the TV. 

“BORED!?!” Johnny yelled out in fake shock.

She smirked as she walked over to him, coming to fall on top of Sam swiftly. As she laid on top of him he grumbled for her to get off, trying to push her muscular body off him.

“Oooohh whatever shall we do?” She giggled, laying more of her body weight on him.

After a few more attempts of Sam trying to push Johnny off, she finally relented and stood up. 

“Careful there Johnny, any longer and you would've had another dead body to take care of.” Dean laughed out, hinting at her previous jobs at nearby funeral homes.

“I hope you choke on that burger.” She smirked, walking over to the fridge to grab herself a drink.

“Yeah, yeah…” Dean grumbled out, going back to munching on that Thang©️.

As Johnny was opening her drink, she felt a tug on her pants and looked down. It was little Sam pulling on her pants, a frown etched into his face.

“What’s wrong Sammy?” Johnny asked, coming to squat down so she could be at eye level with Sam.

Sam stood there for a moment, his eyes only looking down not wanting to meet his sisters.

“Does…” Sam spoke, eyes still not willing to meet Johnny’s: “Does Dad not want to be around us? Does he not love us? Is that why he’s never here?”

The atmosphere of the motel room had quickly darkened, Sam’s question forcing them to confront the idea of telling him why their Dad was never around. They had held off on telling Sam what their Father does for a living, not wanting to force him to grow up with a life revolving around death. Having to watch Dean grow up into a hunter hurt Johnny so much, watching her loving brother turn from a normal child to now knowing their father’s true job–it’s something she never wishes Sam to go through.

“No Sammy, Dad loves us. He just…” Her words died down, finding it difficult to explain to Sam why their father couldn’t be around while not giving away the family business.

“Dad just can’t be around us for long because of his job. Ya know, always selling and going around the country for more job stuff…boring adult stuff you don’t need to hear!” Johnny explained, trying to cheer up Sam by making the situation more light-hearted.

Sam still held a sorrowful face, her attempt at cheering him up failing.

“Listen,” Johnny placed her hand on his shoulder, holding it firmly: “Dad does love us, he just can’t be around us for long. Yes, he’s gone a lot but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be around us. He tries and sure he could try a little harder”, she lets out a quick giggle Sam following suite,” But he does love us, and he is trying to be a good dad…” Johnny finds herself at a loss for words, not knowing how to phrase or explain what she wants to say to Sam.

“I’m not going to lie to you Sammy, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s something you will learn about one day and it will make more sense when you’re older… but I just can’t tell you why Dad’s gone all the time. Still, he loves us, you shouldn’t doubt that.”

Sam showed a small smile, his eyes finally meeting Johnny’s. She patted his shoulder and brought him in for a swift hug before letting him go.

“Come on, let's go do something fun. Maybe that will cheer you compared to my half-assed speech.” Johnny laughs, coming to stand up.

Sam becomes excited, running to put on his shoes and jacket. Meanwhile, Dean walks over to Johnny, a sad look etched onto him.

“We have to tell him one day…” He whispers to her.

“I know… I just want him to be a normal kid for a little longer…as normal as we can get.” She sighs, but before she can dwell on the thought she quickly replaces it with an idea to make Sam feel better.

“Come on, let's go to the park and maybe I’ll rent that movie you’ve been dying to see”, singing out the last word. 

She quickly grabbed onto Dean’s jacket, yanking him with her to leave the motel.

As they arrived at the park Sam saw that the swings were free, which was a rarity. He rushed over to the swing set, waving his hands to urge the siblings to swing with him. As they all sat down on the swings, carelessly swinging back and forth Johnny got an idea(UREKA!)

“Guys, how high do you think I can jump off this swing?” She said, starting to quickly at the ground to pick up the pace.

“NO! Last time you did that you sprained your foot! Don’t do it.” Dean said firmly, remembering the pain it was to take care of her when she sprained it.

“Mmmmmhhh….” she groaned out, still picking up the pace. “Yeah but like…what if I do backflip landing?”

“Can you even do a backflip?” Sammy questioned, leaning forward to see his sister picking up her pace very quickly.

Johnny was contemplating, not remembering the last time she did one successfully. She looked over at them, a smug look crossing her face.

“I don’t know but we’ll find out!”

“AYE JOHNNY NO!!” Dean shouted, trying to grab her swingset chain to slow her down but he missed because Sam swiftly kicked his legs.

“YOU LITTLE SHIT!” Dean gritted, trying to kick Sam while still swinging.

Sam let out a loud laugh, trying to get away from Dean’s kicking while still swinging. That was until Johnny's voice broke them out of their fight: “HEY WATCH ME REAL QUICK!” She shouted before coming to jump off the swing. Sam’s mouth agape with Dean yelling at their sister to not attempt the backflip. Yet, she didn’t listen. If she said she was going to do the backflip then dammit she’s doing the backflip. As she was falling in the air she tried to make the motion to start the beginning of a backflip but her long legs ended up catching the ground first, halting her motion.

“OH SHIT!” She shrieked before tumbling on the mulch, her body swiftly planting into the ground.

^Johnny fr

Sam laughed hard, coming to a full stop to hold his stomach. He couldn’t hold it in, his sister was such a dumbass for doing that. Even Dean couldn’t hold in his laughter, coming to chuckle at her ridiculousness.

“You…” Dean tried to hold in his laughter but it slipped out some more, “You are such a dumbass.” He coughed out, Sam still laughing hard coming to a point where he was wheezing. After he calmed down, he looked at his sister still lying in the same pose.

“Are you still alive?” Sam asked, coming to wipe a few tears from his face.

Johnny didn’t respond vocally, only giving a thumbs up in return.

“Damn…she dead as hell.” Dean joked, watching to see if she’d stand up at some point but she never did. Dean didn’t feel like getting up at the moment, so he chose the next best option to force her up.

“A cute girl is coming over…looks like your type.”

“WHAT WHERE!?!?!?” She quickly stood up at that, not wanting to look like an idiot in front of hot women. Brushing off the mulch on her face and trying to tidy up her hair she hastily looked around, finding no woman in sight.

“You asshole!” She gritted out, coming over to smack Dean’s arm.

As Johnny continued to wipe the mulch and dirt off her Dean and Sam continued to swing. No words were spoken between them, coming to find the comfort of just watching the world around them. After a few more moments of silence, Sam got off the swing set; coming over to Johnny.

“Can we go rent The Land Before Time now?”

“Sure buddy, I’ll buy some ice cream too.” She said, coming to place her arm around his shoulder.

“AND SOME PIE!” Dean yelled, rushing to catch up to them. 

“UuUUUUuhushUhuHUBFhebfhcje fine…” She groaned out, walking with her Brothers.

“Thank you, Johnny…for making me feel better.” Sam quietly spoke.

“Of course, that’s what big sisters do.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO END IT I’M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALLY LIKED WRITING FOR YOUR OC THO IT WAS SO MUCH FUUUNNN

I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS AND I'M REALLY SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT😭😭😭😭

[flaresanimedump]

Ok so. I was gonna make a post that Ranpo technically didn't go to school. So I went to look at the Origins novel and I checked the raw because of all the omissions in the TL (Ranpo was kicked out of the police academy 6 months before the start of the plot not "less than a year ago" it's very explicitly 半年 "half year"). And uh. Well so on that topic they kicked him out when he was 13, but a police academy isn't considered a real school in Japan so while his education in Japanese language continued he didn't have the core subjects from the age of 12 on. But also.

The English line when Ranpo talks about the school is: "The rules were a pain in the ass. Don’t leave the dorm after curfew, no buying sweets, wear these clothes, follow these rules. And the classes bored me to death."

These are all relatively common restrictions for Japanese schools (snacking is only prohibited at stricter ones), though a couple of wording things stood out. One, the "pain in the ass" rules is 規則 (actually rules) and "follow these rules" is 規律 - ominously "discipline" (this line being more like "not to mention X, Y, Z, Z being the discipline). "Discipline" isn't "punishment," it just has a strictness vibe, but it's a creepy thing to say imo. I hear this and think Trunchbull from Matilda.

So I went to check out the Wikipedia page on "Police Academies" and I see "脱走及び逃走の防止" - "escape and escape prevention" which is an immediate red flag for any live-in institution. "Escape" could also be translated as "desertion" but what followed was a short paragraph saying "there's no barbed wire like a prison but coming and going is strictly controlled" so I'm going with "escape." Ranpo attended something like those kiddie marine bootcamps that were all the rage in the 2000s. I don't know about anybody else but growing up nondivergent camps like that were my absolute worst nightmare.

So I'm already Distressed at the thought of this - but thing about "no buying sweets" is it's age-focused. "No buying sweets" is like "no snacking" but it's specifically "[a child] buying and eating sweets [while away from home thus spoiling their appetite]." This is against the rules because "they should eat food prepared by their parents" and the,,, incredibly sad irony isn't lost on me there even though the academy was feeding him. Which begs the question: can you really train a 12 year old to become a detective?

So I went to the Japanese National Police Agency website because I wasn't sure what the age range for attendance at these schools was. And I found it.

Eighteen to thirty.

Ranpo lasted eighteen months in a military academy for eighteen to thirty year olds until they kicked him out.

*I'm not going to claim this is all 100% right since Japanese prefectures set the lower age limit at 18, which could mean Asagiri was just makin' shit up or there's some lesser-known police middle school that calls itself the exact same thing as the one for adults. You're only supposed to stay at them for 10 months so there's already some other suspect things here. But I think it's pretty on-brand for Ranpo to think college-level classes are boring. Also his dad was connected to the principal so he could probably bend the rules a little to get Ranpo admitted.

UPDATE: 10/4/24

So on the rewatch of the anime I noticed they did include a picture of the school behind Ranpo:

And unless slenderman was one of his classmates I assume they meant to imply that the school was, in fact, an actual middle school. This isn't clear in the books though so I'm not sure how canon I feel it is, especially when this is the memory right before:

And this is the one before that:

So in the anime there's an actual boy detective school, which could?? be a sort of reference to author Edogawa Rampo's Boy Detectives Club, though that was a club and not a full school. I feel it makes more sense that he'd been stuck almost entirely around adults after his parents died since that's his main focus throughout his story - if he'd been stuck around other kids for 1.5 years, why not say everyone is nuts? But anyway, at least in the anime it's a regular school.

[daz4i]

wait okay. instead of going to sleep like a normal person. here's how I'd change the ages in bsd (for those that have a canon age), bc no one looks their age/it makes the timeline feel weird, i wanna let at least some major past events breathe a little between one another. possibly controversial takes ahead:

atsushi: i like that he's 18 actually. he looks and feels 16 but no yeah 18 works better. I'd say 20-21 would be nice but that'd reallyyyy throw his backstory's timing off unfortunately

dazai: 25

kunikida: around 27-28

ranpo: 28 also, maybe even 29 (his whole thing is that he looks young for his age anyway)

yosano: 28 as well

tanizaki: like. he does look 18. but also 16 and 21 at the same time. i like him as a bit older than atsushi so let's say 19-20, and naomi as well while we're at it

kenji: why is he 14. it's not that he doesn't look 14 it's that i simply did not expect a child to be the muscle in a detective agency. so please make him like at least 16 which is only just slightly better tbh

kyouka: yeah 14 is chill in her case imo. makes her more tragic 👍

katai: 27-29ish as well

fukuzawa: at least in his 50s. maybe 55ish, or even more. he def looks like it and it fits more with having a son in his 20s

akutagawa: i do want him to be older. but making his age gap with atsushi bigger is weird. so keeping him as a 20 y/o it is, maybe 21 at most

chuuya: 25

kouyou: 30s. early 40s even. she is already so milf coded. finding out she's 26 in canon was straight up offensive i swear. come on.

higuchi: 21

tachihara: 22 or 23 maybe? (the hunting dogs don't have canon ages but i like jouno and tecchou as 26ish so that way he's still like the baby of the group)

hirotsu: how is that man 50. make him 65 at least. jfc. the whole point is he's been with the mafia a long time. ik they keep recruiting teenagers for some reason but give me a break. my dad is pushing 70 and looks younger than him

q: actually my issue with them isn't that they don't look their age (tho they do look a bit younger ig) but that timeline wise?? they're so weird?? why did the mafia have a 6 y/o on deck that's just inconvenient for all parties involved. like i can excuse kyouka at 11ish but come ON. at least make them 10 in fifteen. or just bring them in later bc i just realized the timeline doesn't line up with the dazai and chuuya changes otherwise. man idk

odasaku: girl that man was NOT 23 when he died he should've been like at least 27 then

mori: late 40s or early 50s. keep the few years gap from fukuzawa maybe but he should still be older

ango: 29ish in the current timeline. or even 32. idk why but that number feels right.

francis: 45 at least. how is a 32 y/o man supposed to have a daughter old enough to study abroad...

poe: 29

melville: actually he is the only one aged correctly in this entire manga. bestie 🔥🔥🔥🔥

steinbeck: 24. maybe even older

lucy: 20-21ish. same issue as akutagawa really

louisa: 25 at least please 🙏

nathaniel: 34 maybe.

margaret: also early 30s. how the fuck is she 20. like kouyou this is straight up insulting 😭

mark: ageless for he is the spirit of youth and joy (yeah 22 is chill for him actually. he's like the taylor swift song. he'd love that)

mushitaro: tbh I'd make him more around 29 or even older than 30. like he would be a believable 35 y/o to me if needed.

nikolai: actually him being 26 is chill too. tho i wouldn't mind making him around 28-29ish too since i already aged up most 26 y/os so may as well go all the way.

shibusawa: yeah he can stay 29 too idm. i actually didn't know he had a canon age until now. cool!

i think that's everyone who has a canon age (excluding lns bc i haven't gotten to them yet)? aside from sigma maybe but his age is more of a plot device than a fun fact. and fukuchi is implied to be the same age as fukuzawa so, yeah just make them the same in this case too.

i did mess up the timeline myself with this. so lemme clear it up:

The War and the whole thing with mori and yosano still happened when she was 11, so 17 years before canon. that means mori was still in his 20s back then, no big change

untold origins still happened when ranpo was in his teens, honestly we can keep it 14, so 14 years ago, meaning fukuzawa was in his late 30 or early 40s. again not too big of a change I'd say

fifteen happens when. well. dazai and chuuya are 15. ten years ago. i don't want q there get them out of my sight (for now) let them be a kid for a bit!!!!! but yeah like in canon that means the previous boss's murder was a year before, 11 years ago. also while we're at it, stormbringer is also the same aka a year after 15

now this is where we shake things up just a bit. rather than occuring when dazai is 18, i think we can push the dark era to when he's 20 and still maintain the whole childlike thing he has going on there, it's not that big of a difference imo.

that means, 5 years before canon instead of 4, making akutagawa 15 back then, and ango 27 like odasaku.

also yeah q comes in at some point in the middle between those^ I'd say close to dark era than fifteen.

originally i wanted to make skk 26 but this started stretching things even more. bc now we gotta figure out how long dazai spent in hiding. and ig we can keep it 2 years and just make it so his entrance exam was 3 years before canon. again imo not that big of a stretch 🤔

idk why i said this changes the timeline a lot i think this is p simple. also lets ppl stew in their situation for just a bit longer which i like more.

thank you for reading. you are very brave and strong for pulling through. feel free to disagree with my takes but just be nice about it please. I'm also open to hearing other takes if you have any that i didn't consider 🫡 but again just be nice okay?? 🥹

[layla-loves-violence]

"i want to give you wings, but babe, you've got to grow them"

At my first Game Design 101 lesson, my professor told us that many of us would probably end up switching majors before we graduate. "Making games and playing them are two different things."

I wasn't deterred. I had aspirations of narrative design and character concepts, and although level design and programming bored me to death I was determined to stick it out. I wanted so desperately to give back to the media that I loved so much, that got me through my hardest times: video games. I had dreams of directing my own RPGs, of making characters that everyone would fall in love with.

I lasted one year.

It wasn't out of a lack of love of games. It was a lack of support. It was a lack of language. It was a lack of desire to live.

Freshman year is guaranteed to bring drama. You throw a bunch of 17-to-18-year-old kids into close proximity and call them independent without any of the skills and things are bound to get a little messy. Especially if you're an autistic narcissist like I was at seventeen. I won't deny my own fault in the situation, in fact, I'll be the first to gut myself over it. I was a tiny control freak with an anxious streak a mile wide. It doesn't take much pressure to break me open.

I was too dumb to realize that inviting a guy back to my dorm to "play video games" meant I was propositioning him. I was too shy to tell a guy to fuck off when his comments made me uncomfortable. I was too self-absorbed to realize I wasn't the main character of this social group, that these people I'd barely known for two months wouldn't rally behind me like I was some usurped king seeking to reclaim my throne. There was no throne. I was seventeen and stupid.

But it doesn't change the fact that, intentionally or not, someone was taking advantage of me. Whether it was the boy who pressured me into cuddling when I wasn't open to having sex, or the boy who promised to stand up against sexual harassment and balked when I actually brought up pursuing Title IX. I was "too much drama" he said, after he'd already convinced me everyone else was against me.

It's been six years since then. People change. People wash their hands of you. People will watch you drown, and say that if they tried to save you, you'll pull them down and we'd die together. And you're not sure if they're wrong.

My first semester I made the Dean's List. The second semester, I was on academic probation, because I was too terrified to be in the same room with people I assumed hated me, or worse, found me annoying. I deleted the Discord servers, kept my distance. While my classmates learned about character design, I was conducting a self study on how isolation leads to madness.

I contact a suicide hotline, keep my answers vague so I don't end up in the hospital again, like I did at 12. I tell my mother I can't take the train, because I worry that when I see it, I'll feel compelled to throw myself in front. The minute I step out of my dorm, I stop being able to breathe. I have a panic attack so loud in the bathroom before an exam that the front desk has to conduct a wellness check.

I drop out that summer.

(Someone contacts me in the fall, asks if I wanted to attend an event with him. I tell him I no longer go to that school and to never contact me again. Surprisingly, perhaps gladly, he does. His contact in still in my phone.)

I spend the next six years digging myself out of a hole. I end up in three separate outpatient programs. I cut my hair, grow it out again. I drop 20 pounds and gain it back, drop another ten, gain back five. I learn to drive. I get a part time job, get laid off, get another job, and get bullied by my managers. I move from my dad's house to my mother's. My grandmother dies. My dog dies. My sister, a once-despised rival, becomes tolerable, and then a friend. I begin losing my closest friend. I start drawing. I start writing. I listen to Mother Mother again. I play a Night in the Woods.

The game design program I chose, I chose for its capstone. At the end of four years, you get to build a real, playable game with other students. We got to pitch our games as our final for the first semester. All of us "failed," pitching things far too complex to make in a single semester. "Not every idea gets made."

There were several projects made in the 2022 Game Design capstone. I read the names of the students involved, and I can picture them in my head, and I feel lightheaded. For a moment, I can see an alternate world in which people didn't scare me. I can see a world where I connected with others on an even keel. Some of them have websites, and my mouse hovers over a "contact" button. The boy who said I was too much for him is a man with a beard now. He says his favorite game is Persona 5.

I wonder if they think about me, or how their memories erode my image in time. I picture a villain lurking in their single-room lair, pacing and stewing in between lofi hip-hop streams and rewatches of John Oliver and Polygon's Unraveled, cloaked in pilling hoodies and unwashed pajama pants, yellow-green plaid, school colors. No one is coming for them.

[mermaidsirennikita]

What are your "she’s all grown up" recommendations?

I feel like you can either do this as "he knew her when she was a child and there is an age gap" or "they knew each other as kids". My post was prompted by my currently reading Stephanie Laurens's A Rogue's Proposal, in which the hero, Demon (no it's not his legal name yes it's what everyone calls him yes it's great) is 31 and knew the heroine, his friend's ward, when she was a little girl but meets her again when she's 20 and is like "well I feel gross for this but that ass tho". I am greatly enjoying his sexual confusion.

Other recs:

--Olivia and the Masked Duke by Grace Callaway. The hero is like 10-12 years older than the heroine and has known her since he rescued her from drowning when she was a child. He really doesn't see her in That Way until she starts coming on to him when she's like... 18 to 20. And he's like "oh NO" about it, because he is in fact her dad's friend.

--Another "dad's friend" one is Joanna Shupe's My Dirty Duke, wherein the heroine is 20 and the hero is like... 43. And her dad's best friend. She again starts coming on to him and he has to realize... she's A Woman Now.

--She Tempts the Duke by Lorraine Heath has a heroine who was the hero's childhood sweetheart; right after they share their first kiss as 12 (her) and 14 (him) he and his brothers have to run away because their uncle is literally trying to murder them. They come back 12 years later and she's on the brink of getting engaged to another man. I remember very distinctly the hero in this ballroom like "hello I am alive" and being obsessed with this freckle on her cleavage lol.

--The Rake's Guide to Seduction by Caroline Linden is a brother's best friend book wherein the hero realizes at the beginning that he sees his best friend's sister in a new way now that she's all grown up; but he's too late and another guy swoops in before he can tell her. Years later, she's widowed and depressed when they meet up again during a house party.

--Ever Yours, Annabelle by Elisa Braden has a heroine who's obsessed with her brother's best friend when she's like... 10-13, and he gets injured in this maiming accident that sends him away from her. They come back into contact again over a decade later and he's shocked by how... grown she is.

--When the Duke Was Wicked by Lorraine Heath. This is Lovingdon's (28) entire crisis when Grace (19) a family friend asks him to help her find a good husband. He was super in love with his wife and has been a mega rake ever since she and their daughter died. This is also RUM ON LIPS book, which means it Must be read. One of my top Lorraine Heath reads.

--Seduce Me at Sunrise by Lisa Kleypas. Kev and Win were childhood friends and super devoted to each other already, but there's something extra special about Win coming back from the Continent after two years with her health restored and trying to find Kev, only for him to think she's a sex worker because she's wearing a cloak and bending her over a table before being like "WIN??????" I love it so much.

--A Rogue by Any Other Name by Sarah MacLean. Love this because Bourne and Penelope were separated for yeeeears and she super obviously had a childish crush on him, and when they're reunited as full adults he's like "she..... actually does it for me a lot...."

--Shadowheart by Laura Kinsale has the hero and heroine reunite when she's 17 (it's a medieval and released in 2003-04 lol) and he's... 27ish I want to say? After he dropped her off with her sister when she was like 5 and he was a very messed up teenager she idolized. He's very quickly Spellbound. TW: nonconsensual first encounter.

--Mercy by Sara Cate I offer as a gender-flipped version in that the heroine, 34, is matched with her best friend's son, 22, on a kink-driven dating app (he's a sub, she's a domme). She really only saw him as a spoiled brat (and he is) but begins to view him in a verrrry different way as they get to actually know each other.

Eyes On Me by Sara Cate--LOL WHOOPS. This one is a stepbrother/stepsister romance with a decent age gap--10ish years I want to say? They didn't live together long, and he accidentally finds her on a camgirl site (he's a major voyeur). He starts watching her cam while also dealing with falling for her in real life.

--It Seemed Liked A Good Idea At The Time by Kylie Scott is a contemporary romcom wherein the heroine (now 25) has been effectively banished from her dad's house ever since he saw her trying to seduce his best friend (15 years her senior) topless right after she turned 18. The friend was very resistant then and is pissed at her for almost ruining a very important personal and professional relationship, but when they reunite for her dad's wedding.... Feelings and lots of tension ensues because she's like. Not a kid anymore!!!!

--Deep by Kylie Scott. The hero really met the heroine when she was a legal adult lol, but there's still a lot of this vibe because he's late twenties/early thirties and one of his best friend's college coed sister-in-law, and everyone has been like "STEP AWAY FROM THE CHILD" since they met... Even though, again! She's not a kid! But basically they have an ill-advised one night stand that becomes significantly more complicated when she turns up pregnant.

--The Arrow by Monica McCarty. Classic ward/guardian romance, medieval, the hero saved the heroine when she was a kid and took her in, and years later returns to find her all grown up.... and very interested in seducing him.

[furiousgoldfish]

Hii. Honestly I’m still confused whether I experienced abuse or not or what it was or even how bad it even was.

Basically, I’ve been homeschooled my whole life (well, until I was 10, when it became unschool, and most of my education knowledge that isn’t words and random stuff I’ve learned is still there, especially math.), never had a job nor probably ever will because I’m disabled, probably have ADHD+autism and definitely have depression+ocd, and the last physical friend I had was probably when I was about 12 or so (I’m 18 now). We live in an rv in a super small town and have been since I was 12 or 13ish. And I have an older brother. Honestly I feel kinda isolated, and even if something bad happened, I wouldn’t have anywhere to go.

Anyways, when I was around 9 or 10 or so apparently I started to get burnt out, and that turned into really bad depression when my grandparents died (and so did a bunch of other extended family members before them). My mom had to be a caretaker for my grandfather for nearly a whole year and my dad stayed home with me and my brother but all I remember during that time is escapism, binging for comfort, and my dad playing video games all day. Also one time I threw a notebook at a doctor because I was so overwhelmed and wasn’t getting any help.

Around 14 to 15, I was a real menace, constantly fighting everyone and stuff. This led to quite a few instances where I’d get into an argument with my mom and she would hit me or threaten to hit me. I remember one time I refused to get off my couch because I wanted to know why they were wanting me off and they ended up physically dragging me off the bed and hitting me. Another bed time, I was making my bed (which was rare for me to manage to get myself to do) but my dad stepped on my pillow with his shoes after coming inside and I got upset because it got stepped on and was probably dirty now but kept my upsetness to stomping. But then I got into an argument with my mom (and hissed at my dad) and it escalated until she hit me (apparently out of disappointment). Also she took away most of my bedding, and then after that on a day we went to the store (so I was gone all day) and she made a comment about me not bothering to do my bed, despite the fact I wasn’t even home to do it, the last time I attempted she hit me, and I barely had much of a bed to make (two pillows, one blanket, and my stuffie)

I also remember one time my dog tried to protect me and she threatened to get rid of my dog. As well as a time when she told me I could leave (with what money or place to go? I was literally in a city I’d barely seen because we moved there to be in an rv park, I had no job, no family or friends nearby to go to). I also came out as nonbinary (I’m a trans man now) and they were pretty transphobic at first, though my mom eventually educated herself and isn’t anymore.

And one time I got worried about a mask I was wearing during covid era being dirty and my mom telling me I should’ve stayed home (also they hated the mask mandated and I’m pretty sure at least mentally rolled their eyes when I chose to wear my mask even when they didn’t whenever it wasn’t mandated). There was also a time I spoke a bit too fast (I have a habit of fast talking sometimes) and my dad said I will not speak that way in his presence and I think also threatened to spank me.

Nowadays the worst that’s happened is my mom yelled at me for asking too many times whether the door was locked or not (it was broken and I couldn’t understand if it was locked locked or just in the locked position), my dad spends most of the day outside in our truck and every time I attempt to talk with him it usually ends up not good. I tried to show him music, he ended up playing his nearly an hour long of music in the middle of the ONE song I attempted to show him (never finished my song to this day), tried to talk about him not using my pronouns and it ended with him going off about politics and saying a few slurs and me needing to wipe myself clean because our shower isn’t available and I smelt like smoke. Tried to talk about him using his phone at the theaters because I wanted to take him with me and my mom to see a movie and it ended with me leaving him behind so that we could actually enjoy the movie. Tried to show him (very cute but a few crop tops) clothes I wanted to get and ended with him talking about being a peeping Tom as a teen and me feeling like my clothes were sexualed and uncomfortable in my own skin.

Also recently my brother poked my leg to get my attention and then after I told him not to (because he’d just come in from outside and my OCD has been horrible recently so i was a little convinced his touch was contaminated and was trying really hard to not get up and douse the spot in antiseptic) he did it again and I ended up hitting him with my tablet (I will admit I already attempted once before then, and he later said it didn’t even hurt when I managed to hit him) and then he used his fists on me and I ended up curled up on my bed screaming and crying because it hurt (and he bent my glasses). When my mom woke up and came over to see what was happening I curled up again and asked her not to hit me (because one time years ago me and my brother got into a bit of a physical scuffle and she hit me when she woke up and came to see what happened). My arm still hurts, but I’m thankful I covered my head because otherwise I’m worried I would’ve gotten a concussion or something. I’m pretty sure I was 100% definitely in the wrong and the abusive one in this situation here. It was really weird because afterwards I didn’t want to be touched (not even virtually) and then when I wanted to be touched again (the only option was virtually by a friend) it made me anxious and unsure.

When I bring it all up to my mom, she says she did her best and made mistakes, but didn’t abuse me. She said she’s seen what real abuse is and I would’ve left. Also when she found out I told a friend about things, and my friend said it wasn’t good, she said I was choosing to make them look bad. Also anytime I bring up issues about my dad (like him feeling like a stranger), she says he’s always been this way (he’s schizotypal) or that I must’ve forgotten when he was involved (which no duh, I barely remember my childhood)

It was abuse. I am so sorry. This sounds absolutely awful. The amount of neglect and violence you were enduring, and how scared you were of it.

Your mother's response is the exact response of abusive parents. My parents also told me that 'they know what real abuse is', and that I'm 'making them look bad if I ever say anything to anyone'. And the way she defends your father, it's all just excuses, you are right to be upset and to point it out.

You were dealing with so much, right from the start, so many struggles to go through, and with all this you were isolated, in a strange place with nowhere else to go. All your issues have been either completely neglected or made worse by your closest family members, and the violence you describe is devastating.

Nobody should have ever hit you. A child who is overwhelmed with sensory issues, OCD, and struggles with depression and ADHD, is not a menace. Adults can deal with children who get aggressive without violence, it's not hard to disarm a child or to get distance, they're literally smaller and weaker and not an actual threat. There is never any need to completely control them or to threaten violence. It sounds like the way they did it was so devastating for you, you ended up absolutely terrified of when they would hit you again. You lived with that fear all along and when your brother hit you so bad that he bent your glasses and hurt you so much, your first thought was fear that your mother would hit you again too.

You were in your house, surrounded by your closest family members, and you were terrified out of your mind of what they were going to do to you. You should have been in the safest place in the world. You should have been loved, cared and safe there. There was no more terrifying place for you than that rv.

You couldn't have left either, your mother knows that.

All of them should have made sure to accommodate your ocd and to not make it worse. They should have helped you manage all of the issues, and be mindful of your depression. Nobody should have even thought of hitting you, threatening you or acting like your pain doesn't matter. I'm so sorry that you've been so alone in this. It is awful what you've been put through.

I hope things get better, and that you get more kindness, gentleness and compassion in your life. You deserve to live comfortably, with no fear or shame. You've done nothing to deserve any of that.

Also I'm astounded they managed to completely neglect your right to education! I don't know where you live but it sounds illegal, you had the right to be completely educated, regardless of disability or issues, you still have the right to it, and if you can, I hope you will pursue it, because it's never too late to find out basic information, and it will help you navigate the world. I don't know what the procedure is to pursue education after this kind of neglect but I know there has to be a way. If anyone knows more about this, please write it in the replies or comments.

[bokettochild]

I WANNA SEE YOUR STYFFED ANIMALS 👀👀

Alright!

This is Squirrelly! She's my puppet I got for my fifth birthday! Much loved by my little siblings as a distraction, but unfortunately with a chewed nose as a result 😭

She's a clever, curious and playful individual but highly distractible LOL

This is Sofia (Silky Sofie). I got her from my dad when he returned from deployment overseas in one of his many south east deployments with the Air Force. As a kid, i made her out as the tired but trying older sister, trying to hold a home together for her younger siblings but also kinda lonely and looking for love. I laugh now that I've basically grown into being that character as an adult.

Fun fact! Her ears are different sizes!

This is Elizabeth! Named after Elizabeth Bennett (because I grew up on Austin) she's the younger sister of Sofie. She's a no nonsense individual, very practical and blunt, but with a good heart. She has no interest in romance and is more keen on academics and making her way in the world as a business lady.

I don't remember when and where I got her, but it was probably Toys-R-Us

This is Mary. Mary is the youngest of the cat sisters and an uter and total Karen. She's a bully and a stnker and knows she's cute enough to get away with it. She was so much fun to play with as a kid because the jerk characters are always so much fun as the "good kid".

Mary was given to me by my younger sister because she was "ugly" and so my sister didn't want her.

This is Violet! (A name I have always loved and is now a joke to me LOL) My parents got her for me at Build-A-Bear before my dad went away for a deployment right before Christmas when I was seven. There used to be a record in her paw I could play to hear my dad's voice telling me how much he loved me and that my smile "lights up the room". I played it to oblivion though and so it's dead now :(

This is Katy, another Build-A-Bear hat I got for Christmas when I was...eleven? I think? She is usually our evil queen and villain, but has also played the henchman on occasion. She's kind of awkward to hold and move, so she got mostly stuck playing side roles or in-frequent ones.

This is Faith Bear. My little sister, Faith, died of Trisomy 18 when I was 13, and the nurses gave me and my siblings each a comfort bear when we left the hospital. Faith was only a few hours old and the bears were a huge comfort. I've never played with this one, as she's more of a memory bear, but she's very dear to me.

This is Theodore, Teddy for short. He used to belong to my aunt (who is four years younger than me) but my grandfather gave him to me after his wife took custody of my aunt. Theodore is a comfort bear and hasn't been played with, since I got him as an adult. His ears are amazing for fidgeting with and he's just firm enough to simulate a small child when I need a baby fix.

Lastly, this one is Cocoa, or Charles, depending on the game. The last remaining pup of a group my sisters and I got at Toys-R-Us, I'm the only one to keep mine this long. Cocoa is sweet, playful and easily excitable, but when taking on a male role, Charles was stuffy, stiff and snobbish :)

Anyways, those are my medium size stuffies, I have....so many more that are small though :)

[kazimirpetrov]

[cismale and he/him] Welcome to Aurora Bay, [KAZIMIR “KAZ” PETROV]! I couldn’t help but notice you look an awful lot like [NICHOLAS GALITZINE]. You must be the [TWENTY EIGHT] year old [WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER]. Word is you’re [KIND] but can also be a bit [CYNICAL] and your favorite song is [MY TEARS RICOCHET BY TAYLOR SWIFT]. I also heard you’ll be staying in [OCEAN CREST APARTMENTS]. I’m sure you’ll love it!

@aurorabayaesthetic

trigger warnings: car accident, death, cheating

BASIC INFO.

name: kazimir petrov. nicknames: kaz, kazya. age: twenty eight. pronouns + gender: he/him, cis male. birth date: july 7th, 1995. birthplace: london, england. orientation: pansexual. occupation: wedding photographer. length of time in aurora bay: from ages 14-18 before moving away for college. he moved back six months ago.

QUICK FACTS.

despite living in america for half his life, he still has a noticeable english accent.

moved back to aurora bay six months ago to be closer to his father, who had a health scare.

went to nyu and got his degree in photography, then decided to stay in new york because he fell in love with the city.

the only person who calls him kazimir is his father, he's strictly kaz to everyone else.

recently got a dog named kevin who is now practically his son.

has not been back to london since he moved to america.

plays three instruments - guitar, piano and drums.

has a secret songwriting notebook that he's never shown anyone.

BIOGRAPHY.

kaz had what some would call the perfect childhood. he grew up in a house that, though small, was always full of life and laughter. his parents adored him as much as they adored each other and gave him the best life they possibly could. kaz always considered his parents to be his best friends; he could talk to them about anything. he knew this wasn't exactly normal, especially when he was approaching his teenage years. all of his classmates seemed to hate their parents or were constantly complaining about them, something kaz never understood.

unfortunately, kaz soon learned that perfection couldn't last forever. one day, when he was thirteen years old, he said goodbye to his mother as she left to go to the grocery store. he had no idea that would be the last time he saw her. as she was driving back home, a distracted driver ran a red light and crashed into her car, killing her almost instantly. everything changed after that.

if you were to ask kaz what the days, even weeks, after his mom died were like, he wouldn't be able to tell you. everything from that time is a blur, even all these years later. the next thing he remembers with striking clarity is the day his dad sat him down and told him the two of them would be moving to a town in america called aurora bay. a fresh start, his father called it.

kaz thought he'd be sad leaving the place he'd called home for his entire life up to that point but he was actually a bit relieved. everything reminded him of his mother. her favorite mug in the sink (it was one of those shitty "art projects" he made when he was small but she acted like it was the best thing she'd ever gotten) or her reading glasses on the coffee table, the last book she was reading still open to the page she left off on even after all those weeks. even driving past the grocery store she'd been to that day made his chest ache.

they settled into their new home fairly quickly, the distance from london doing both of them some good. kaz even found himself smiling on occasion, something he was almost afraid he'd forgotten how to do. his father seemed to be doing better as well, though he still got that haunted look on his face when he heard a certain song on the radio.

by age sixteen, kaz had finally started to adjust to this new life of his. he actually found himself looking forward to going to school and even managed to make a few new friends, though he found himself not opening up to them as easily as he once might have. still, it felt like things were finally looking up after such a dark period.

that's when he met her... the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. his crush on her was immediate and all consuming and he found himself thinking about her all the time, his stomach doing that fluttering thing he'd always read about in books. after months of pining after her, his friends convinced him to ask her on a date. so, with shaking hands and sweat beaded on his brow, he did just that. to his utter surprise, she said yes and after just a few dates, they were suddenly boyfriend and girlfriend, a first for kaz.

their relationship burned bright and fast but fizzled out just as quickly. they'd only been together for about three months when he discovered she'd been seeing someone else behind his back nearly the entire time they'd been together. suddenly, their entire time together felt like nothing but a lie.

kaz stayed mostly single for the rest of the year, going on the occasional date only to hook up at the end of the night and go their separate ways. that was fine for kaz in the moment, but he couldn't wait to go to college and meet new and exciting people. maybe even someone he could fall in love with.

kaz's parents showed him that true love exists. his dad would still take out their wedding album and spend hours going through every single picture, tears splashing onto the plastic sheeting as he touched his late wife's smiling face, forever frozen in that moment.

his entire life, kaz wanted to find someone like his parents found each other. someone he loved with his entire being, who felt like his missing puzzle piece. someone he could imagine spending forever with.

in his second year of college, he thought he found that person. only for them to cheat on him. twice (that he knows of). well, they hadn't even been together that long so it was fine, kaz reasoned. he'd get over it and find someone else.

throughout college and the few years after graduating, kaz had several relationships that always started out great but ended in heartbreak. at this point, he was starting to think he was the problem. was there something wrong with him? maybe he was just unlovable.

when he was twenty four, he met the one. (spoiler alert: he wasn't the one.) the love of his life. someone that would never hurt him or break his heart. things got serious quickly. within six months of dating, kaz was moving into his boyfriend's apartment and they were spending nearly all of their time together.

at this point, kaz had started his career as a wedding photographer, his goal in life to capture love like in the photographs his father cherished so much. he was on a work trip one weekend, set to photograph a wedding that got canceled at the last minute. slightly disappointed but eager to get back home, kaz decided to surprise his boyfriend by going back home early. he let himself into their apartment and dropped his luggage by the front door before heading towards their bedroom.

all that nervous excitement left his body the moment he saw what was on the other side of the door. he couldn't believe this was happening to him again, especially coming from the one person he truly believed loved him. after kicking the other guy out while he was still struggling to pull his pants back up, kaz immediately packed up the rest of his things, ignoring his now exs' pleas of forgiveness the entire time. this was his last straw.

kaz decided that love just wasn't for him. he'd foolishly thought he could find something like his parents had, but he guessed that kind of love didn't come around very often. his father and even his friends tried to tell him it could still happen someday; kaz eventually tuned them out. he'd learn to be content being single, it seemed easier than ever opening up his heart to someone again.

it maybe seemed ironic, someone with that viewpoint having a career centered around weddings but kaz still believed in love. he just didn't believe in it for him and he was learning to be okay with that.

when he got the call that his father was in the hospital, he was afraid the worst time of his entire life was repeating itself. thankfully, his father ended up being okay but the scare was enough for kaz to move back to aurora bay to be closer to him.

the first few days back felt odd, everything somehow seemed different but also exactly the same. he was enjoying being with his father again; the years since he left for college had created some inevitable distance between them that kaz wanted to close. he found work fairly easily with the town being such a popular tourist destination.

now, six months after moving back, kaz feels like he's right where he's supposed to be. hopefully it stays that way.

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

PLATONIC.

best friend / ride or die / friends from high school / new friends since he moved back / neighbors at ocean crest

ROMANTIC.

high school hookups / friends with benefits / flirtationship / tinder or grindr match / one night stand

ANTAGONISTIC.

his high school ex that cheated on him / frenemies