#antlerkitty screm

[antlerkitty]

Try to remember the late diagnosed/undiagnosed HrSN folks. Please. I know we’re not very vocal, I know many of us have very complex and maybe unrelatable ways of masking due to the specific situations that resulted in not being diagnosed, I know a lot of us don’t even talk about it. But we’re still here. And honestly it hurts when every HrSN thing is centered around early diagnosed people and the consequences/abuse they face, while completely ignoring us.

[antlerkitty]

This! So many times doctors tell me “just do ___” and when I can’t, they start borderline insulting me and telling me “it so easy, just put in the effort!”

shoutout to other physically disabled people (esp. if you're also mentally disabled/ill) who are seen as not wanting to "help ourselves" because we can't make "simple" lifestyle changes,

who can't keep up with PT/OT on their own even if the exercises "just take 10 minutes" or generally can't keep up with regular exercise,

who aren't able to cut trigger foods out of our diets even if what they trigger is actively damaging our bodies/progressing certain things,

who use assistive devices, treatments, or aids that aren't technically "good for us" but they're all we have and we just want something, anything, to make our lives less miserable and aren't able to do much else

anything else where "just making this one change" would technically be beneficial but it's difficult to keep up with, or takes too much energy/takes executive function skills that we don't have, or conflicts w/ stuff in our lives that's not seen by others as important enough or significant (like sensory issues)

we're not "lazy" and we don't "just need to try harder," we're just not capable of "just doing" many of the same "simple" things that other people are, because we're disabled

[antlerkitty]

Me: Wants forearm crutches due to leg weakness and pain, especially with longer walks, fantasizes about it because I know it would relieve so much pain.

Also me: "Ehhhh, I don't think I'm disabled enough, I mean, I can still walk, I just have to sit every 2-5 minutes, I'm in a ton of pain, I struggle keeping up with everyone else, and have to take multi-hour naps after walking due to how much it exhausts me. But no, I'm not disabled enough, I need to be in excruciating pain to be worthy."

Not trying to throw shade (is that correct term?) at those with more severe disabilities and excruciating pain by the way. It's just sort of what goes through my head due to internalized ableism and being on the milder end of chronic pain and the moderate end of chronic fatigue. I don't really see anyone with mild-moderate (but still disabling) chronic pain.

[antlerkitty]

One thing I continue to grieve is just running around and being silly. Ever since my chronic illnesses got worse, I can’t. Can’t climb shit for hours. Can’t hike unaided, can’t be out for long unaided. Just miss that so much.

[antlerkitty]

“Why didn’t you say that if it’s what you meant? Just be honest.”

Considering the fact that a good chunk of my vocabulary is borrowed words and concepts I barely understand, and I’ve been regressing in language for almost two years, and I’m cognitively and socially disabled, I think I’m doing fine, thanks.

[antlerkitty]

Every time people vent about “stupid people” I get a pit in my stomach and start feeling sick. Because that’s me. That’s MSN and HSN/level 2 and 3 autistics. That’s people with moderate-severe ADHD. That’s severely dissociative people. That’s intellectually disabled and cognitively disabled people. That’s nonverbal, semiverbal, and some demiverbal people.

That’s the term that most of us have been described as our entire lives. That’s the term that’s been screamed at us. That’s the excuse used to abuse and neglect us.

“Stupid people” are people! Believe it or not we are real, live, actual people with real feelings and real trauma around that term. Stop fucking venting about “stupid people”. Especially when you’re the most privileged disability-wise of a group. People see that shit. That shit hurts.

[antlerkitty]

It fucking sucks to have one of the most impactful books I’ve ever read as a HrSN person be criticized by LrSN people for the character being too stereotypical and “outdated”. Am gonna reread it (read it initially 2 years ago and it really made me feel seen), and if it’s still good, I’m going to post about it.

[antlerkitty]

worst part about being a higher level autistic is that you get meltdowns from everything

and they're likely violent

and likely noticable

and likely very dissociative

and likely literal hell every time

[antlerkitty]

Yes, this. I’ve gone from not physically disabled/only having episodes of being physically disabled (due to dislocations and such) to being physically disabled almost 24/7, chronic pain sometimes reaching a 10 where I was unable to move and had to take shallow breaths because everything hurt so bad. And it’s just been a lot of crying and frustration, especially lately as I realize the pain, fatigue, and “illness” is not going away like I hoped it would.

if you've spontaneously become disabled be gentle with yourself. it takes time to adjust to your new normal and that's okay. it's not a race to refigure out your life, you have time. it's okay to grieve and it's okay to mourn, it is a loss. your life is not over and you can get through this. it's hard and it's unfair but you will learn to live again.

[antlerkitty]

Being on the aromantic spectrum is so confusing, because I hear people talk about romantic vs platonic love, and like… what is the difference? I always just thought it was a label. If you’re dating, it’s romantic. If not, platonic. But apparently it’s not that???

[antlerkitty]

So upset that there’s an influx of abled/mildly disabled queer (white?) people acting like they’re one of the most at-risk groups during this election and they’re the most likely to die from this.

(This is specifically disability-related, do not derail)

[antlerkitty]

I want someone to tell me “Yeah, you’ve done some pretty bad things and you can’t undo that, but you’re still part of community and you’re still cared about and people love you as you and see you beyond your mental illnesses”

I feel like that would fix me a bit. Not fully, but a bit. Just want to be loved.

[antlerkitty]

So badly want to apologize for yelling and kicking during meltdown, but then it leaves spot open for person I yelled at to be like “you’re a shitty person and I think you should just not have meltdown” or “I think you hormonal” or even “I think you should be institutionalized if this is how your meltdowns are”

(Usually hide during meltdowns due to PTSD)

[antlerkitty]

I want to do more advocacy for intersex folks and severely disabled folks and all that, but as someone with a mild physical disability, moderate mental disability, and perisex, I feel it’s not my place to. But I’m unsure sometimes what to do. Like there’s this room in my school that has lots of pride flags but none include intersex people, and I really want to point it out, but I am perisex and I’m not sure if that would be inappropriate.

[antlerkitty]

The lack of higher support needs main characters in media that actually have personality and interests and hopes and aren’t just a joke basically is really upsetting. And I want to see queer HrSN characters too! So many of us are queer but the little representation I’ve found so far is always straight and cisgender (and likely perisex though can’t be sure).

Every time I consume media with queer people it makes me a bit sad and upset because they’re usually not disabled, and if they are, they’re LrSN. Makes me feel like we have no place and no hope. This site is the closest I’ve gotten so far to having real hope that we can have good lives, because I actually hear about diverse experiences. But in my life, and in media, I feel like I’m falling behind. I don’t get to have the same hopes and dreams as my peers, I don’t get to have my biggest worries be getting a job or driving or whatever. I desperately want to just see others like me. Who made it anyway and who are ok anyway.

[antlerkitty]

New (shortened) intro!

Hey there, I’m Antlerkitty. This is my disability and politics/social issues blog. I have two side blogs, @starkitty-is-small for agere/kidcore stuff, and @kitty-of-the-stars for art.

Donate to a random Palestinian GoFundMe • Having a shitty day? • Tips for cane users in school

Some of what’s going on with me (for context):

He/They/Leaf, no fem terms. Xeno/bigender mspec lesbian. Nonhuman. Very complicated relationship with gender and sex.

Lifelong MSN autistic, likely level 2, and ADHD-C. Cognitively impaired due to autism. Mid masking.

Semiverbal-ish due to late regression and non-autism catatonia, very frequent AAC user. Grew up verbal.

Schizospec DID system, synesthete, OCD, mood disorder, and more. In remission from some PD traits.

Physically disabled with medically suspected hEDS and co., as well as some random undiagnosed things. Frequent cane user, future crutch/rollator user.

Tag system:

#antlerkitty rambles - This is for any somewhat informative post

#life of antlerkitty - For any life stuff

#antlerkitty sharing - Whatever doesn’t fit into the other categories, but I still write it myself

#antlerkitty screm - Vents, rants, generally negative

#funky wording tag - Unusual wording that autists may struggle with