#I just make a ton of stuff because I LOVE them
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Monday!
It's been a while since I've done one of these week-in-the-life posts (and I LOVE reading them from others), and it's a particularly stressful week where I'm trying to stay off social media for Reasons, so hey, let's do this again!
It's a busy day, but it starts relatively late - I don't have to leave for the office until 10AM. So, you may ask, why on earth do I set my alarm for 8:30? Is it because I have an elaborate morning routine? Is it so I can hit the gym and go for a jog? No, no, no, it's because I have a little cat who takes the alarm as her cue to cuddle and I don't want to disappoint her, so I inevitably spend half an hour hugging her like a purring teddy bear first thing in the morning before I get up.
I respond to some e-mails as I get ready and on the bus ride over - mostly prep for our department's holiday party (I'm in the band and we're trying to get as much practice in as possible), but also a little work getting supercomputer access restored for an undergrad research assistant, offering to write a letter of recommendation so my colleague doesn't have to (we both know the student well and said colleague is traveling across the country for a funeral on a redeye flight tonight...), reworking some elements of the rubric for the faculty search committee I'm on, and confirming a meeting with my grad student.
10:45 - I get to the office and go to make my usual mug of tea... and realize in the moment I close my office door that the keys are still inside. I get the hot water from the lounge and meander by the office, but nobody's there. Just as I'm about to work up the nerve to go interrupt a more senior professor's meeting to borrow his keys, one of the office staff walks by and is happy to open the door for me, phew.
11:00 - My most senior grad student is doing an internship in Colorado this quarter (it's the location he most wants to do a postdoc at as well!), and we've set up a call to catch up after a few weeks without chatting. It's a bit of an awkward chat because he wants to go to his second conference in two months, and I had to bring out the "well, um, this is a side project you're doing with someone else's research group and you may want to check with them about where the $2000+ for conference costs is coming from". I possibly have an avenue - I might ask him to just attend for a couple of days instead of the whole time, so I can use some funding from a different grant, but I'm hoping we can get some cost-sharing going here, or possibly the other professor he's working with can present his poster for him if need be. Still, his work's going great and I'm hoping we can get him to this conference! He finishes his PhD this year, and I can attest to how helpful conferences are for landing postdocs.
12:00 - Speaking of grants, I had a successful grant come through late last summer to study wildfire smoke dynamics with novel instrumentation (something new to me!), and the whole team is meeting up for the first time to talk logistics! I also have to teach real soon, so I'm only on for the first chunk of the call, but we get some of the plan set up. Looks like we'll be meeting at a NASA facility early next year to do some siting stuff prior to the first controlled burn. I genuinely have no idea what I'm doing on this project, apart from being willing to write a big chunk of the proposal, but it's a good time!
12:30 - Class time! This is my domain-specific intro-to-python class that I developed 5 years ago and have been iterating on ever since. It's going a lot smoother this week than last, and the students are pretty responsive to my jokes (priority #1, lbr) and seem to be following along quite well, judging by the handful of questions I get after class. Not a ton of technical issues today, either, which is a HUGE win over last week.
1:30 - Forecasting time! I'm once again part of our university team in a giant forecasting contest. While I'm decidedly average at it (usually around 250th out of 1000 participants), my grad student was #1 for a while there. We chat in broad terms about the next week of weather in our targeted forecasting region.
2:30 - Meeting with another graduate student! We talk about some of the researchers he reached out to after his first conference a couple weeks ago, and we're starting to narrow down a possible author list for his first paper. He's working on writing up the methods and data for that paper while he incorporates a few new datasets into his preestablished workflow. He's been doing really well! Being a dual-major in CS means his code is a heckuva lot more organized than most second-year grad students I've had.
3:30 - ...nothing??? I've decided to skip my usual seminar and postpone one undergraduate student research meeting this afternoon (the one currently locked out of the supercomputer he needs for his project) since I have a couple of grant proposals due very shortly. I head out to grab some teriyaki to bring back to my office for lunch/dinner, but the restaurant just has a big sign out front saying "closed for FIRE" so I opt to go across the street for some chicken katsu and boba tea instead. I approve the final budget (coming up on a million dollars, no pressure) and keep plugging away at the statement of work (which is basically "what are you going to do, in detail, with one million dollars over the next three years? please tell us in exactly 15 pages, not counting your 3-page bibliography and 6 appendices"). I even find a perfect paper to reference to discuss one of our theories! We've made it through one round of reviews with our pre-proposal, and man, we'd love to do this project - it would be myself, a colleague, and a postdoc looking at some really novel stuff in severe storm predictability over the next three years. I also get a little work done on the invited talk I'm giving to a student journal club tomorrow, and work on some more e-mails (trying to set up a meeting with a friend's graduate student to help her out with some methods she's using from an older paper of mine).
5:15 - One of my colleagues has retired this year and has a farewell song he wants to sing at our holiday party, which happens to be mostly voice & piano, so we agree to meet up before the main practice and go over it a couple times before the rest of the band shows up and he has to head out to dinner. I'm really sorry to see him leaving (although I know he's delighted to get to spend more time with his kids and grandkids) - he and his wife were extremely welcoming when I started here, and were so kind and supportive when Mom died. Just very touched that he reached out to me to play piano on this one. Tragically, though, whoever was supposed to bring in the keyboard hasn't left it in the practice room, so we'll have to wait and run through it with the rest of the band on Thursday. Instead, it's back to the office to get caught up on e-mail and try to slog through more of the grant application (all today's research and work has netted me... 1 page of writing, blah).
6:00 - The rest of the band shows up! We run three songs of our eight-song setlist, and I'm somehow now playing on 4/8 of them, despite there being five people signed up for keys. It's a good time, though!
8:00 - I make it home and give Clara a bunch of new toys that have arrived with her prescription food (one of which she licks for 15 minutes straight). Luckily, tomorrow's work schedule is much more chill!
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the "Ryho" mindset is still happening
I didn’t like how part of the fandom treated Ryan during the pre-split years. This might end up being a lengthy explanation but bear with me because it’s relevant to the modern fandom.
So it was a well-known fact in 2006 that Ryan was straightedge/sober (Spencer was too, but he got less attention from the media). Being straightedge kind of became part of Ryan’s image (here’s a random example) and a lot of fans really connected with that. Then Ryan got drunk for the first time at the end of 2006, and we started seeing pictures of him partying with friends in early 2007 before the band even went to the cabin.
By summer 2007 Ryan was like a completely different person. I get that the drugs & alcohol probably helped him become more outgoing, but I also think he was just becoming way more confident & comfortable as he grew up. And SO many fans seriously hated the change. Fans still randomly criticized the other 3 guys, but that stuff seemed more like the regular small complaints that happen just for the sake of complaining when people are bored (ex: Jon’s beard existing or vanishing). The stuff about Ryan was very different in tone and there were some consistent themes throughout the last half of 2007: Ryan was too in love with Keltie, he dressed like a hippie now, and he partied a lot. Basically, he was changing. He was no longer the same person that he was during the Fever era.
It honestly seemed like many fans were angry at this new version of Ryan for taking the old version away from them, as though they had some sort of ownership. There was tons of drama over the fact that we were seeing lots of pictures of Ryan partying with various friends (some of whom posted detailed stories about their nights or how drunk everyone was). Some fans said Ryan was a hypocrite or a liar and tried to make him out to be an alcoholic, as though he’d personally betrayed them by destroying who he was "supposed" to be.
However, I think most of the complaints were actually rooted in something bigger: Ryan looked happy.
I felt like a lot of the younger fans had latched onto the idea of a shy, wounded guitarist who needed to be saved or *understood* or whatever… you know the cliche I mean?? That was the vibe that the media sometimes tried to give him during the Fever era, so even they knew it would sell! But now Ryan was partying a lot with a wide range of friends, was dating Keltie, had completely abandoned his Fever-era aesthetic, and seemed to be closest with Jon in 2007 instead of Brendon. He was “destroying” the static image of Ryan that fangirls had taped onto their bedroom walls.
I remember a decent amount of fans actually admitting that they wished Ryan would go back to being depressed. Like they literally wanted him to be unhappy & unsure of himself because they liked him better that way. Others accepted that Ryan was changing and were happy for him, but still thought his bitter lyrics were better. And then even if other people wouldn’t admit that they were clinging onto an old version of Ryan, their main criticism still seemed to revolve around the fact that Ryan was living his life, having fun, and being different than he was the previous year.
I saved one fan’s post because it summed up some of the complaints this year:
The nickname “Ryho” really took off in late 2007.
Obviously a ton of fans loved Ryan (and the kids who were bashing him still claimed to love him too). The petty criticism just became annoying to me. People slammed his new clothes, his new hairstyles, the way he carried himself or talked, his weight/body, his “creepy” fingers, and the “girly” things he told Kerrang he liked (pumpkin spice candles, vanilla milkshakes, his puppy, and Titanic). Even the kids who used to love Ryan’s mild arrogance were now holding it against him. A lot of the fans who were criticizing Ryan in the last half of 2007 jumped right back to being his “fans” once the Pretty. Odd. era got going and things were interesting again, but I guess it shouldn’t have been surprising that so many fans were able to easily switch to bashing Ryan once again in spring 2009 when he was changing yet again. It’s like they were so focused on what Ryan wasn’t doing that spring (ex: recording the third Panic album) that they couldn’t see or accept what he was doing: building a whole new life for himself in a completely different music scene with the new crew of friends he’d been hanging out with for a while (Alex Greenwald’s scene).
One of the things that stuck out to me in late spring & summer 2009 was how many fans felt rejected by Ryan (and Jon). Those fans had basically idolized prior versions of Ryan and were hurt to slowly watch him destroy all of that as they realized he didn’t want to be part of the machine of the music scene that the fandom still loved. That hurt translated to them lashing out in anger.
So you know how I mentioned that in 2006 part of the fandom liked the idea of a shy, wounded guitarist who wrote bitter lyrics and needed to be *understood * and saved? And they resented Ryan for destroying that concept in 2007 and taking away the Ryan that they loved? They wanted to view him as a static character and couldn’t accept that he’s a constantly-evolving human. This is still happening today. Some fans are still upset that the version of Ryan that they want was taken away (ex: Ryan left the Fever era behind, left Panic behind). Except now instead of resenting Ryan for the choices that he made, some modern fans have rewritten the past to blame external forces like Brendon instead. I've been trying so hard to wrap my mind around this for a while, so here's my take on it... keep in mind that this is just my own observation/guess. Ryan isn't very visible now, so people are free to project a lot onto him. I think that by blaming Brendon (who is the visible one left), people can still happily view Ryan as a helpless victim who needs saving, and never feel rejected or betrayed by his choices... it's like Ryan didn’t actually want to leave them, and could still be the person that they need him to be. Idk I'm still trying to comprehend what happened to the recent fandom tbh.
I'm absolutely not saying that all of Ryan's current fans are like this!! It's just that some little bits I've seen are concerning because they essentially take away Ryan’s agency & erase him. Even on a smaller scale, I've still noticed how some modern fans focus heavily on stories that dramatize Ryan's pain & portray him as a passive victim, regardless of whether those stories conflict with reality. Like why exactly is that angle a priority? Some examples:
Camisado is for dancing
the "funeral picture" isn't real
Lollapalooza was a fun show
June and July are different months
Ryan participated in the stage gay
some of the Ryden stuff could probably qualify too
Keep in mind that I'm saying this as a fan of Ryan. I am genuinely happy to see that he has so many newer fans! But sometimes I'm a little concerned that patterns might be repeating and maybe some people are more focused on their own creation of a character/image than an actual musician who has had many many phases.
#i will see tomorrow if it was a good idea to pull something from my draft#add a few sentences#and then post without really editing#i'm tired whatever
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What the AOT Characters Get Armin for His Birthday
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVELY ARMEEN (guys I love him so fucking much it's not funny... I wish he was real)
Eren: a stack of random books... he knows nothing about the books, nor does he know if Armin wants them but he gets them nonetheless
Mikasa: she gets him a little notebook and pen set, a classic stationary combo, along with a beautiful seashell (because she knows how much he loves the sea)
Jean: gets him a collection of historical books and atlases to appease Armin's love of geography and history... tries to play it off cool but really wanted to get Armin this heartfelt gift
Sasha and Connie: they make a homemade card for Armin as well as baking him a cake (it's absolutely horrible but it's the thought that counts right?)
Levi: "doesn't do gifts" but he does wish Armin a happy birthday and says something very sweet when the two are alone; "I'm proud of you, Armin."
Erwin: gets Armin something vintage and rare like a pocket watch or compass, as they share their love of historical stuff
Hange Zoe: they share a crap ton of notes and drawings with Armin that they claimed they "made just for him", but in reality they kinda forgot it was his birthday...
Annie: a kiss heheh (jokes guys); she loves him obviously but is sooooo bad at gift giving, so she gives him this cool like switchblade that she fashioned herself
Reiner: also goes with the stationary route to get Armin something like some cool pens and papers
Bertholdt: also isn't the best at gift giving but he's also a creative little pookie so he hand-makes Armin like a bracelet out of some sea shells
Historia: wants Armin to be a plant dad soooo bad so she gets him a cute little flower to take care
Ymir: just gets Armin a rock... she doesn't really care that much
#aot#attack on titan#snk#shingeki no kyoujin#shingeki no kyojin#eren yeager#levi ackerman#armin arlert#erwin smith#jean kirstein#annie leonhart#mikasa ackerman#hange zoe#reiner braun#bertholdt hoover#historia reiss#ymir snk#ymir aot#happy birthday#aot headcanons#attack on titan headcanons#headcanons#snk headcanons#happy birthday armin arlert#happy birthday armin
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I have freaking silly little guy disease...
After a full day of work (drawing them) I relax and draw for fun (drawing them)
ON GOD I am going to create and fuel my own fandom. If every post in the tag is mine so be it but it will not be empty. drink from my cup.
Such a big fan I'm making their whole comic and then some
#like yknow what.#it's fine if other people arent doing analysis#or making art#or. idk making shitposts HAHA like#I'm having a freaking good time#I love them#my only fear is like#that people see me making stuff#and theyre like oh I dont have to#or god forbid#I SHOULDNT#like I'd be so so so worried someone would... idk it's silly#but I'm worried someone might see me making stuff and then worry that there's a way to make stuff wrong#there isnt!!! I promise!!!#I promise you can't do it wrong you can make aus you can make fan ocs you can do whatever!#its okay!!!#I just make a ton of stuff because I LOVE them#and I can't help it#theyre straight up my whole life#sorry to all my friends#I dont have much to talk about#other than the them
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I’ve gotta admit as much as I know Darabella is a flawed ship (and some of the ppl who are anti for it have legit criticisms I love y’all for pointing it out cause it frustrates the hell out of me too trust) they’ll always just kind of be it for me.
Because as much as it was an “I can fix him” trope, as much as Rosabella could be selfish and Daring’s flaws got cranked up to 1000, she was also the first person to look at him after his destiny, the thing he dedicated his life to, failed, when people were questioning him as a prince and putting pressure on his and Apple’s relationship and tell him that, like, maybe it would be alright? Maybe this wasn’t his destiny, and maybe that was okay.
And the part that really gets me? She’s the first person after this happens to tell him that it doesn’t matter what’s on the outside, which as much as you can like other Daring ships or him whatever he desperately needed to hear. Not even cause he was selfish, that’s not what I’m saying, but bc he placed his whole identity on this image that people concocted for him based on him appearing the perfect prince. He was handsome, he was talented, and he was handsome! So who cares about him as a person?
Idk man. You spend four seasons (I watch the specials on Netflix so that’s why four idk if it’s three to some ppl or whatever tho) watching him be praised for his looks, watching girls fawn over him, and of course he enjoys it so nobody really questions how much he enjoys it. And then you get this girl, this girl who owes him nothing, this girl who (contrary to popular belief apparently) has a life of her own and people she cares about outside of him, and she’s nice to him. And she’s the first person after everything happens to just be nice to him, for the sake of being nice. Something about that will always hit different for me
#it’s her seeing him as more than the perfect prince that he’s been told he has to be his whole life#and maybe she doesn’t approach that perfectly sure but also maybe she’s human and a teenager and she’ll fuck up and make mistakes#but the foundation of their entire relationship is that moment of reaching out and connection#and just saying i’m here with you. i don’t know you that well and i don’t care about you that much and i have a million reasons not to be#but i’m here for you anyway. because you matter and i don’t know if anyone’s told you that yet. and maybe#idk. maybe you need to hear it#anyway sorry i’m not trying to start shit i’ve just seen so many ppl shitting on them in this fandom#and some of the critiques i agree w! i’m not saying they were written perfectly there’s a ton i would change abt their writing if i could#(which i do. through fanfic)#but i just wanted to offer a reason i personally attached to them among all the ppl ranting against#if anyone wants to present their own opinions (RESPECTFULLY) tho#i’d be happy to have a conversation abt it! i love talking abt stuff like this feel free to leave rants in my notes guys#ever after high#eah#rosabella beauty#daring charming#darabella
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in a cafe rn. this place is nice :>
#just me hi#they have a lot of random old stuff in here it's fun :D#tons of books too; though most of them seem to be romance and unfortunately i've come to terms w/ the fact i'm a hater gfhsfh </3#oh and not that the old stuff is random in a new place; it's an old-looking place with a lot of old stuff that doesn't match anything else#lol ! there are some spots that are Almost uhh- the word is not coherent but it's something like it hfhvs#i've had a bisquit sanmich and a lemonade which was pretty fine. i liked the sandwich though it was a bit greasy bfsh :>#idk i'm just comfortable here. the guy running the counter might be gay and there's a bathroom sign that jokes abt gender n creatures for#them lol - it's relatively quiet too n i have a chair that's pressed against the wall w/ no windows so i don't feel like i can be snuck up#on ghfhsv. i like it here so far :D#//anywho i think i'm gonna get on my ar.ft attacks now hfhsvh#i didn't bother posting my first one this year but i'll get to that rn!! :3#i have 1 + 1/2 i gotta do - i say a half because it doesn't Technically count as an attack due to the System but ehe :33#//btw this place has a thing going on where it's Nearly symmetrical#every table is missing at least 1 chair that would make it so and if there Is an even amount of chairs they aren't the same kind#though they Are matching in colour if they aren't the same type! i like that. dunno why hfbvs#also i like how oddly everything has been placed. tables placed in a diamond form compared to the room and then others are situated like#regular tables ; i just think it's interesting lol :33#//oh and i've finished another chapter of my book ; it's taking me forever because i actually came to like it a lot n i don't want it to en#a common habit of mine hfhfsh <3#though ik it's hard to tell from the outside if i'm not doing it cuz i hate it or cuz i love it. fun for Me though hfhbshvs#//yea anyway. i like this place lol :>#gonna wander around prolly. n work on stuff hopefully :>>#i have a ~+~root beer~+~ so here i go !! toodles :D
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i know hoyo is setting up rhine to have good intent and whatever in her trying to 'save' khaneri'ah or whatever; but i REALLY hope they stay with the cruel persona thats been built up for her. because it would be so wonderful to see a character who had good intent in the beginning just get absolutely corrupted; with the inability to ever go back to that prior state purely because of what had happened. also because there is NO way in her turning back after all that shit
#sorry. i dont think theres any good and plausible explanation for rhine to still be a kind or gentle person in general#she can (and SHOULD) have her moments. but it'd make so much more sense (and be much more impactful) for her to be inherently cruel#because look at all the stuff thats happened#i love the indomitable human spirit trope. dont get me wrong.#but rhine has that in the way she WONT stop her research till shes either dead or murdered. she is not gonna be gentle kind and optimistic#she watched all her kids (that she was SHOWN to care for) get very brutally murdered.#had to then go and kill her next creations that she didn't consider perfect (which most certainly fucks a women up. no matter what you say)#made the 'perfect creation' and the way she treated him was obviously a HUGE contrast to how she was before (being gentle and nuturing)#and left him (albeit with what we can guess was good intent) with NO goodbye just#a recommendation letter. a text. and his final mission#she could have good intent#and still care for others#dont get me wrong!!!!!!!#but shes. human???#humans can be (as much as i hate to say it) a tad selfish when it comes to survival#and being antagonized demonized AND shunned by teyvat and even her own people. having to survive multiple gods wrath#isn't. gonna be good for the human psych#and it isn't gonna be something fixable#look at how furina progressively faltered over a hundered years WHILE being adored#she already started waning in her ethics and morals (as someone immortalized as a human WOULD)#with exposing lyney and all of that when it was VERY clearly the morally wrong thing to do (which her as a human would know)#and being relatively pessimistic and clearly spiralling#(no hate. i love furina with all my heart.)#if thats how FURINA started going#imagine rhine who has nobody (save maybe alice. but i doubt she'd be constant given her spontaneous nature and refusal to sit still)#shit man. even I'D go crazy and be horrible.#its okay and natural to be bitter#and its not as if anybody was there to help#hexenzirkel has a ton of women who survived their own nations falling yes#but not ONE of them (from what we know) has had circumstances any where near rhine's
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😮💨
[sorry for the hardcore tag rants, y'all]
#more than a little exhausted by certain things#no stability anywhere in life#not in work or family or even friends#would settle for literally just one single shred of continuity and reliance#one single piece of my life I can count on to be there for me and reliable and safe#just a shred of something or someone being there for me in the long run#work has proven garbage#family is so fucking volatile it might as well be an unhandled explosive#and the very few threads of friendship I've found and thought were worth the time and effort to strengthen have just#left me abandoned or floundering doing either all the work to be left behind or what I can to be uncounted for#either nothing or not enough and not counted for in the long run#because apparently my friendship is just as forgettable or easily disregarded as every other part of me#or at least that's how it definitely fuckin feels#and I'm So Spooked when it comes to making friends!#I'm scared to connect with people who actually seem genuinely interested in getting to know me and talk to me!#and that sucks bc I want to get to know them but everyone else seemed interested at first too and then a few months later!#they're just as hard to get in touch with as everyone else who turns away!#I don't want to annoy anyone or be too much anymore#I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt like a big giant fucking baby!#i know it's mostly on me and managing shit but it still just. sucks ASS.#I don't wanr to be scared to make friends because people abandon me#I don't want to run people off#I want to be better and have better because I know I deserve it#sorry for ranting I'm just. incredibly jacked up about some more recent stuff bc it brought up long term stuff#i am not immune to hating myself bc of bad friends#anyway yeah sorry i am done grambling#grant grumbles#grambling is my new grant grumbles extra#also to you amazing guys who are so full of love (myccc and hack!!!!!) ily tons and you bring me life#i am trying to be just as cool and worthy as you both!!!! please don't ever leave me! you keep me going even if I don't show it well!!!
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i love characters with barely elaborated on personalities and traits and all that. dust sans??? absolute perfection i can do whatever the fuck i want with him. headcanon anything i want as long as it fits the framework that askdusttale has given me. nightmare??? his one main trait is that he's bad do you know how amazingly vague that is. i have even MORE freedom with him than anyone else. there are various different types of bad guy and i can make nightmare all of them and none simultaneously because he's simply not all that elaborated on. once i lose that creative freedom i lose all will to do anything with characters
#FREE ME!!! FREE ME FROM THE CAGE THAT IS CANON!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i LOVE fanon i LOVE being ooc I LOVE doing things that go against canon material#I HAVE FREEDOME!!! THESE ARE JUST FICTIONAL CHARACTERS I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT WITH THEM!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!#creative freedom is one trait i enjoy the most in this fandom and i think it is something that we need not to restrict but to encourage#yeaahhh OKAYsure. sure there might be a ton of little details in say like horror's lore that you can nitpick and expand on#but then you have to worry about it going against the other canon facts ans then ghsaakassaahhhfkksodks youre RESTRICTED BY CANON#canon i love canon but it is just going to choke me out stab me and then make me eat dirt and my own shit in the end#let me be free let me live in fanon elysian utopian paradise#i CHOOSE to believe in canon i CHOOSE to make these characters canon#but just know. it is a threat when i say that the mtt are very fun fanonized. fanon murder time trio is so fun#as long as jokes dont get overplayed and theres a variety of interactions fanon isSO FUN!!!#kist love hate relationship!!! FUCM YEAH!!! even though i think dust and killer would avoid eachother its more fun this way#just make sure to let horror get mad at dust and killer and let killer get mad at dust in a while and we've got VARIETY!!!#fluffy domestic soft horrordust??? FUCK YWAH!!!! just acknowledge canon horrordust would be stepping on cracked eggshells!!!#i think we need absolute creative freedom again no more restriction. man where are the silly fun dumb aus like empireverse.#even cringe shit like naj or pjs daycare except they arent made by a total loser and are actually good#PLEASE i just need more silly aus that aren't fully canon adjacent or continuing or compliant or a what if.............. maybe like jk fashi#no no. no shameless promo here. anyways i miss creativity please make it a trend to throw the sans aus into more than just canon storylines#guys WHERE is the child au. where are the elementary school sans aus. that would be fun#WHERE are the superhero aus. WHERE ARE THEY.#idolverse or whatever is a beautiful example of non canon aus and stuff i love idolverse. also magical girl au#i forgot who made those 2 aus but just know you are blessed and loved by triglycercule#it's a MULTIVERSE there are MULTIPLE UNIVERSES. let's explore branches further away from the canon base of the tree and onto a leaf of fanon#i just love dust a lot for the freedom he gives me. also nm because i came up with a egregious hc for him earlier today but forgot to post#tricule rant
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Besties, it's clipboard season again, and not to brag but I'm really fucking good at colors
#clipboard season: when i tey desperately to paint a clipboard for all of the leadership and my staff at the camp i work at#this year it amounts to about fifteen clipboards#i choose a different cool thing that reminds me of the person or what i think they would like and then paint it on the back of a clipboard!!#today i started the first because i got the overwhelming vision while i was at work and i needed to paint it#this guy is the nature director. loves fishing and is very good at it. knows a shit ton about fish and fishing#so im painting his clipboard in the style of those educational posters with a bunch of different fish on it#yknow the yellowy beige ones with like fish or plants drawn on them#yeah. im doing that with common fish found in our lake!!#which prompted this post because. that yellowy beige was a fun color to mix up. and not to brag but i got it just about perfect#now comes the drawing. im better at painting than drawing#colors and stuff make more sense than lines and stuff. but im getting better!#im learning more and more every day. and i guess today (and for rhe next ten days) ill be learning to draw fish#(I'm giving myself ten days per clipboard)#(last year when i started i only had like three days per clipboard to finish them before camp)#(spoiler: i finished exactly one)#really hoping this year ill do better. mostly because i love painting and this is a fun way to remember to do ir#as well as challenge nyself and get better#i hope youre all having a great 2024
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I feel like I as an author need to know my place in The Fandom Ecosystem and that's as the b-team. Fics u read while waiting for JanetBaby99 or Thethirdmanthethird or Selvish to post.
#oh and a crackfic writer that too#I'm not upset about this I like being indie. but sometimes It kind of hurts when other authors get a ton of attention and I don't#but also I'm just being jealous so. there's that. and generally the other authors in this fandom have higher quality longer works#like 6-7k instead of my measly 2k and also their works are closer to proper RPF and not my fantasy AUs#but like at the same time it hurts my feeling a little to never have my works on those “fic recommendations” lists or the announcement post#getting more then 7 reblogs. NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING SEVEN REBLOGS IS EXCELLENT AND I LOVE EVERYONE WHO DOES#but I guess I get jealous because I feel ignored?#Idk maybe I'd make more author friends if I posted on twt? Leyton said TWT is better for spreading fics around but it also scares the LIVIN#shit out of me. I don't want Dream/Sapnap/George seeing my stuff that's weird. But at the same time I want to be friends with the other coo#multiship authors sometimes. I mean I KNOW my fics are lower quality then theirs but. but I still liked making them and I like sharing them#whatever this post is getting really long and is mostly me whining si I'm going to tag it as a vent and move on lmao#vent
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it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!
i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"
why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)
ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!
this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!
why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.
#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!!#people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc#but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?!#its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them#AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING#that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭#so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead?#no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going?#if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right?#ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too#perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well#that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less#i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever#but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends#what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one#this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries.#if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move.#if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it#lee rambles#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#autistic friendship#friendship problems#loneliness#communication#cptsd#rsd#the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃
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loving hearing matp.at talking abt intentional misdirects in the trailer because i've thought from the moment i saw it that the mike-william phone call looks potentially spliced together from two separate scenes kfdhsajsdl
#—— ✧ ooc »#.tbd.#the moment he only said 'yes' (while on screen) i was like 'oh that's bullshit isn't it' fkhdsakfh#it felt like a weird cut on the william shot from the first time i saw it tbh#but also the discussion of stuff being edited out/in (with proof with that one drawing)#and how film trailers sometimes add lines or scenes that aren't even present in the movie!! i love theorizing!!#but also every time someone takes van.essa saying 'they want to make her like them' at face value i die a little inside kfjdad#i don't think they're changing it. i think vane.ssa is either lying (most likely) or just wrong#i think there's a ton ton ton of misdirects in the trailer. some we likely haven't even realized.#i'm still firmly on the side of they wouldn't cut the af.ton family connection because it makes too good of a story#and it's a big plot twist for ppl not familiar with the franchise#the discussion of the alias being edited in was interesting. not sure i agree given the whole da.ve mill.er stuff in the books#but it's always possible#fn.af hyperfixation taking over my life
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I have a lot of thoughts about ai and most of them are sad
#if there was a child named Ai and she was learning to write and draw then duh. wed let her learn from us to make her own stuff. and even if#one day she ended up getting a job i could have gotten instead of me#i wouldnt be mad. but if she kept cutting up others work and pasting it back together without creditting then thats where the line was drawn#and if there were thousands of her taking thousands of jobs and doing them shittily and putting thousands of people out of work and#*be pretty fucking mad at her especially since she didnt need the jobs herself#but thats the thing. shes still just a kid. a kid whos learning and whos not perfect yet and corporations are making her do shitty shitty#stuff that she didnt want to do#because i mean at this point ai is functionally just algorithms its not its own people. but if its ever truly Artificially Generated People.#then#.... ugh. will they be treated as people. i need to have a deep conversation with an ai at some point about this lol#but like. if ai was designed and produced exclusively by me and other small creators. and we taught her how to draw and write using our own#skill and textbooks and stuff. and she wasnt corporately controlled and abused.#and when people asked about who taught her to draw she could say My Mom Taught Me!#would yall love her?#because i want to love ai so much. i want anything truly sentient to feel loved and appreciated and i want them to do good#but i dont want to support corporations being dicks more yknow??#this isnt too eloquent and theres a fuck ton more nuance and please. please dont fuss at me. if you actually have something to add feel free#ai#corporate corruption#ibthink thats an appropriate tag#because this does tie into the How Do You Build A Pipe Bomb principal#ai discussion#i think theres a scale between Algorithm and Kindergartener and i dont know how to feel about it#cursing in tags#~ chevy
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welp i realized they made eye contact with mason during that scene as if it wasn't scary enough already :D
#ooc#i have watched this scene so many times and yet i still keep noticing new stuff#that display of dominance right here man#i can't say enough how well the whole battle was handled#and just#eber's form of strategy during this#dude is about to smash with hammer but nope!#they saw the hammer#pivoted their body mid air#and latches at the end of the hammer instead#quickly they add tons of flesh eating beetles and jumping on his head#maintaining eye contact as more appear#i love eber so much#mess with them or their loved ones#or get in the way of their plans#and they will show you absolutely no mercy#no but this whole thing with mason shows how good eber is at strategy#the unfortunate part was that they were so foused on mason that they didn't notice anything else anymore#guys i love this feral witch#it's so hard to describe this battle bc every post i make about it becomes outdated because i keep realizing other things
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started rereading the pjo series the other day actually wawawa still my favorite fr it means the world to me :(( but yeah also! rewatched big hero 6 and ngl it probably really is my favorite movie for many personal reasons hehe AND THEN also watched the first part of hamilton on tv w my parents they loved it hehehe
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#okay that's all just a quick update on me and my life since i loveee to share all that#OKAY OKAY THOUGH YEAH i really love my (extended) family. i am super shy but you know what i love them sooo much#i already miss my aunt so much sniffs the whole holy week break felt like a dream tbh. i loved that she came over and etc etc#and also brought her (GAY !!) friend and then idk she's the best and so supportive and i came out to her right. first one irl. means a lot.#but yeah having experiences w her (esp her gay guy friend tho) meant a lot to me LMFAO idk it feels like those. crush feels but platonic#anyway <3 idk what else. uhm. yeah. that's basically it#oh an old friend from middle school dmned me bcs my personal instagram note was a rainbow flag and heart face so . yk#i came out to them back then and they're on the lgbtq community too so HELL YEAH sorry it's been days tho and i haven't replied back aha#you see. i am a mess. i haven't gotten to a lot of stuff especially because i for some reason have this. i need to. you see#i need to... if i am doing something i have to put in All My Effort. so i am literally reading everything my teachers give and say#and. literally everything. and i am definitely FAR far away from getting near to finished but hell yeah RAGHHH#I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE CONCERT NEXT MONTH OH MY GOD IT'S IN LIKE 3/4 WEEKS NOW ONLY WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK#my dad has been listening to the 1975 tons (he said he has now listened to all their songs. idk if thats true but i think so)#idk yeah just makes me happy uh etc love family etc motivated but a mess uh etc. goodnight
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