#I haven’t had one in SO fucking long
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I just love waking up at. 1-2 in the morning?
Idefk atp I’ve been trying to go back to sleep for a WHILE and just checked the time bc I just can’t and keep having the same nightmare (? Is it a nightmare if you’re awake??) ab fucking up smth small (that I (kinda) know how to fix by myself) and then having to clock out before I can fix it for wtv reason
I just woke up fully and decided to get myself a drink and chill on my phone for a bit to see if that’ll make them stop so here’s hoping
#mars shouts#tiny vent post#personal vent#nightmares (?) suck ads yall#I forgot ab that#I haven’t had one in SO fucking long#I think my last nightmare was a few years ago and it wasn’t really a nightmare. more like just. remembering a trauma I’d repressed#which was fun to wake up from :)))#any fucking way#wish me luck#I’ve got another day of work tomorrow (today) + it’s fucking 2:30 in the morning and I haven’t been sleeping very well so far
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(Joseph and Bruno)
#I’m sorry I could not cook for their bday I’ll go get publicly executed 😞#I was doing my nails last night at 1AM#(Broke one of my long ass nails yesterday)#(Nail polish didn’t work it just fucked itself up overnight)#(I have to start all over again.)#(I haven’t even had breakfast.)#So anyway#jjba#jojo no kimyou na bouken#jojo's bizarre adventure#bruno bucciarati#bruno buccellati#joseph joestar#happy birthday gay people#(Them)#Yippers#it is one day late but I don’t care.
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blah blah , old green lantern design for hal i did for an old au idea
#hal jordan#green lantern#dc#my art lol#mr hal#this is au is actually one of my favorite ideas ever but the execution is taking so fucking long#this is rlly old#this isnt the design im going with but it was one of my favorites i believe#i just keep posting old stuff because i haven’t had time to draw lately sorry#mr jordan i want you#unrelated but a buddy of mine sent me a video of the green lantern ride at WB world or whatever the park was called#and the guy voicing hal was josh keaton again and i just abt cried#i love josh keaton hal soooo much UGH i need to rewatch gltas again
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how often do you think nikolai uses his skill to steal things?
depends on whether or not you consider misplacing items the same as stealing them (he only borrowed that telephone pole, it’s not his fault that things got so heated he didn’t get a chance to put it back… there’s so many of them around anyway, who’s gonna miss one? he even left it in a public place, if the city really wants it back so badly, they can send someone out there to get it). he certainly uses it to borrow things without asking and leave them in increasingly absurd places for the owner to find (but dos, why wouldn’t laptop go in the fridge? you’ve been complaining about the cpu overheating all week! the shampoo bottle looks way less lonely between the condiments too. where’s the mouthwash, you ask? well… smash cut to fukuchi experiencing a whole new flavour of hangover). stealing things to keep though? not sure about that.
stealing is such a boring crime anyway, especially if you have the ultimate yoinking device. i think if fyodor puts him up to a (crucial, important, don’t-fuck-it-up-under-any-circumstances) task he will make use of it so as to not unnecessarily sacrifice efficiency, but otherwise if he wants to acquire things for the low low price of free, he’ll do it by way of stupidly elaborate bamboozlements... he'll trick you into giving him what he wants, no criminal activity needed. u know how clowns sometimes involve audience members, make them go along with stupid bits and such? kind of like that. he’s charismatic, confident, dramatic. he's an actor. he has your wallet, your phone and your firstborn before you realize he’s just fucking with you.
#bsd nikolai#i guess it also depends on what you headcanon his backstory to be#in canon universe i can see him living a nomadic lifestyle before meeting fyodor#keep in mind i haven’t looked at the last like 3 chapters and only skimmed the ones before#so if there were any major nikolai reveals that contradict that… i don’t know send me to the fucking gulag‚ i’m a fake fan#i imagine he might have been a performer#not necessarily always at a circus‚ but never in the same place for long#he might stay with a theatre troop for a few months and then sneak away to the circus for a week or three#nikolai is the only character i ever had a specific voice headcanon for before he had his anime debut#so i personally also enjoy the idea of him joining bands and musical theatre casts#that’s not the point tho#the point is he’s flighty and all over the place#he travels light‚ doesn’t need much and will trick and charm his way into free meals if needed#though he may not often use his skill to steal‚ he WILL use it to cheat at the poker table#(the slot machines‚ the russian roulette round‚ whatever comes up)#he leaves the establishment with half a year’s rent and nobody ever figures out how he did it#am i off-topic enough yet? do i need to stop?#howling from the shadow realm
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normally i have enough of a complicated relationship with dean that thinking about his death in the finale doesn’t make me too unhappy but sometimes i’m like. man. he never even got sober…… we deserved to see old man dean drinking non alcoholic beer. sigh
#i almost wrote antagonistic relationship with dean but that felt a little unfair#i love him i just think. well. if i had to pick one of them to live a long and happy life and survive and get free from the other. well#it’s not even a choice it’s so obviously sam <3#i haven’t seen the finale yet btw but. i know what happens#back in like s8-10 the only thing getting me through it half of the time was the thought that dean fucking dies at the end of the show and#sam lives <3 that’s what he deserves <3#Also like i genuinely LOVE dean i just also hate his ass#you get it..#spn#oliver talks#dean winchester#deangirlisms
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vent in tags sorry
cw: mention of loss
#adding a long note to the beginning so no one sees the actual vent in the case that they don’t want to which is absolutely okay#okay that’s probably good#i feel like a failure today.#my car wouldn’t start on friday and i haven’t had a moment to actually call a mechanic until today#called early in the morning and he said he’d call me back with a time#i’ve reached out multiple times since then and have heard NOTHING#if i don’t get it fixed today i’ll have to take my partners car instead#and when i asked them if that would possibly be okay#they started off on a rant about how they were planning to do all this shit tomorrow morning and now can’t if they don’t have their car#but genuinely. how tf was i supposed to know about their plans?? why did they have to say it all like this is completely my fault???#i’m sorry that i’m still in a not so good mental place right now and might forget to do things in a more timely manner#i’ve had two grandparents pass away in the span of a few WEEKS. give me a little grace.#i give them the same understanding every day when they’re having a rough time#so why can’t they offer me the same thing?#i know they’re just stressed and tired and busy but FUCK SO AM I#i’m just. over it. i want to go to sleep.#and by sleep i mean literal sleep i’m not insinuating anything darker i promise#i may be in a rough spot mentally but it is not that kind of rough <3 i’m safe#just. very tired. and in need of support.#i feel like i’m always giving and rarely getting support in this relationship.#and now i’m just feeling like a burden and an inconvenience for even needing the extra support in the first place#the urge to run away and start my life over is strong holy shit
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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#almost came unglued in my cubicle bc I got a bunch of queer instagram reels#and specifically these ‘what it’s like as a lesbian dating someone whose only dated men’#and it’s just like…oh I really Haven’t ever been in a fulfilling relationship with anyone huh#and then there were videos explaining hand positions and exercises to help with cramping and stamina and I’m just…#I just feel like the biggest loser#which is so stupid bc I would never even think to judge anyone else who is like me and has no experience#but gOD I FEEL LIKE A LOSER#ugh FUCK I’m so tired of feeling like an absolute outsider to the queer community#I’m so tired of feeling like I’m wasting time and missing out and like I’m going nowhere#but I can’t fucking navigate dating apps I can’t talk to women at the bar#had to delete the one app I was using bc I refused to pay $30 just to be able to filter for monogamous#I would run out of swipes on poly and causal only people#and then shit like ‘oh but THESE people didn’t meet until their 40s/50s/60s/etc!!’#and it’s just like!!!!! I DONT WANT TO WAIT THAT LONG!!!!!#i would like gay sex before menopause absolutely wrecks my body!!!!#bc if watching what it did to my own mother is any foreshadowing it’s going to thoroughly wreck me!!!!!#and that’s getting closer and closer every fucking day!!!!!!#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#negative
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it’s the last Sunday before Sunday’s banner ends so i suppose it’s about time for me to finally boot up HSR and pull him home… wish me luck
#i’m gonna need it bc i haven’t rlly played much since 2.3 so my savings are.. not Great#honkai star rail#hsr sunday#viddy game stuff#Seven.txt#it’s not that i don’t Want to play i just haven’t made the time to do so lately#i’m trying to juggle 4 live service gacha games at the same time and i am dropping all of the balls constantly 😔#i don’t feel like i’m doing much more than i used to but for some reason i seem to have a lot less free time for gaming lately#idk it’s probably just my time management getting worse#Anyways so yeah i haven’t played much since the Boothill hype. and i haven’t pulled a single new 5 star since his release#but i also haven’t played much at all during that time so i’ve only got 54 pulls saved :)#and if that’s enough to get me Sunday and his LC i’ll lose my fucking mind bc ain’t no way i’ll get that lucky#i Do have a good luck streak with Light Cones but i’ve only pulled for 3 so that’s not that impressive#i got Acheron’s on a won 50/50 at 14(!!!) pity and Aventurine’s on a won 50/50 at 22 pity so those were kinda insane to me#but then i don’t remember how it went for Boothill’s LC and i didnt log those pulls so i couldnt tell ya if the good luck streak continued#so anyways yeah probably gonna have to whale a lil bit but that’s ok bc it’s christmas time#i allow myself to whale (or. more like Dolphin perhaps) guilt-free on these games a lil bit on my birthday and christmas as gifts to myself#i used it on Xilonen and her sig weapon back around my birthday and now i’ll use this one on Sunday#ain’t no way i’m letting him pass me by when he’s the one that really hooked me into HSR in the first place#i was halfheartedly playing for a while but as soon as i saw the first hint of him on that livestream Penacony teaser i was Obsessed#don’t think i’ve ever been that excited for a character that i knew next to nothing about aside from a lil chibi avatar -#- and some line about him being malevolent. and i don’t even like the chibi style At All so that speaks to how strong his design was#or maybe it just shows how i see an angel coded character with weird-cool-head-wings and a halo and my brain worms start raving#well it’s 1am here so Technically it’s Monday now but shhhhhh it’s still Sunday in my Heart ok? and that’s what matters#and it’s still kinda Sunday on the American server bc the daily reset isn’t until like. 3am for me#but it’ll still probably record it as me having pulled him on the 23rd :/ oh well can’t turn back time#i guess i Could wait until Christmas morning but i don’t wanna flirt with the deadline so closely#this is close enough for me to count it as my Christmas pulls#and we spent Too Damn long without confirmation of his playability (though i always had faith in the leaks 😤🙏🏻) so i deserve this lmao#i mean i’ve waited longer. i waited for Scara! i waited for Baizhu! but still. all the ‘he wont be playable’ fearmongerers can kiss my ass
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Got prescribed a new anti nausea medication to manage my health bullshit while we continue trying to diagnose it and I took the first dose today since I wasn’t feeling great (it’s a take-as-needed thing) and. I’m not feeling nauseous right now but I do have literally every other symptom that tends to go along with the nausea (weird temperature swings, fatigue, dizziness, brain fog, etc) which are apparently all common side effects of this medication. So maybe it’s working as intended?? But I’m so incredibly anxious because usually when I have this set of symptoms it means my nausea is about to get really bad.
#I hate this so much#I’m hoping that it is just the medications normal side effects and not something else#but also if I’m gonna feel like this every time I take this med idk if it’s worth it#I’ve had a hectic couple of days so it is possible that I’m just feeling like this because of that#but god I feel kinda awful#I’m watching totoro with my partner cause it’s one of the few ghibli movies I haven’t seen yet but#it’s so hard to keep my eyes focused on the subtitles so I keep missing stuff#god I’m so tired of this health bullshit#I had my long awaited appointment with a specialist and other than prescribing me this new med#which sucks so far#they just ordered repeats of several of the tests I’ve already had done#and a couple new ones but I’m not super hopeful#I have a follow-up appointment in three months#at which point I will have been having these symptoms for over a year#and I’m just so tired of it#god I’m so fucking tired of it#the being of chaos speaks#health tw
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i’m gonna be so for real, if things don’t start changing for me in good ways i will be disappearing off the face of the earth
#Rasp Rambles#vent#my mental health is already in a shitty state and i am already considering multiple different ways to end my own fucking life#suicide mention#like i’m genuinely hanging on by the thinnest fucking thread only because i have friends that care about me. i don’t want any of them to be#sad about me dying. i’d say the same for my family but i don’t they ever have really given a shit about me so what does it matter.#i’ve been forced to be the perfect; quite child my entire fucking life and that was never good enough. i had to be kind and respectful#even though none of the adults in my family ever really were that to me. and the ones who were didn’t stay that way for long. it truly#sucks so fucking badly that i can’t get away from any of them. i don’t have a job because mental health issues; some physical health issues#and my lack of drivers license and car. i can’t financially support myself. i never get to fucking leave the house and go anywhere but the#store or my grandparent’s house with my mom and sister. i have ONE irl friend who i’m not even sure considers me a friend because#we haven’t gotten to hang out much since i graduated in 2023. i have practically no fucking support system in the physical world.#i don’t get to do fun things i enjoy that aren’t internet related besides drawing. but artblock and general depression are doing their#damn best to prevent me from even enjoying the creative process at all. one may think its difficult to feel lonely when you’re living in a#house with at least one other person but its fully fucking possible apparently. for me at least. i really wish my mom would actually get me#a therapist or psychiatrist i can see in person but we all know that’ll never fucking happen because again; she doesn’t fucking care enough#to make any actually helpful attempts to get me medicated for whatever the fucks going on in this stupid head of mine.#sorry for being incredibly fucking depressed and mad at 3am. it will happen again unfortunately for all of us.
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One more semi umbraclaw related thought for tonight-mainly cause I haven’t played since last post yes this dawned on me-but you know what I realized? Despite the fact my currents thoughts are “this is game is neat but there’s definitely some weird design choices made” it made me realized why platformers are like the genre of games I can always play and commit to: They actively encourage you to keep trying and figure out how to play right even with all the bullshit they throw at you. A lot of games do this yet there’s something specifically more appealing about this to platformers cause it’s down to learning to navigate stages. Other games its usually just fighting whatever in your way but here its that but with terrain being your main obstacle. And also just the fact platformers are short enough games to keep my attention span LOL but also prove to be more replayable for these reasons, cause it’s short AND the more you play the better you get.
#meg text#also here comes me tagging a bunch of fandoms by accident cause I need to mention certain games but doing it in tag#I will say not every platformer I universally finished like mm classic and x I abandoned but at the same time I still beat z/zx#which that’s just clearly showing which series I prefer (and z/zx was my second mm game so I had more experience)#the only non mm platformers I haven’t beaten are a Mario and Rayman game but I’m like- almost done I’m just lazy lol#mainly I know I don’t fuck with super super retro platformers or metroidvanias even if I should give the latter a proper go#and I don’t like one hit and you die games but if it’s the long the lines of “a power up can save you a bit” I can tolerate it#hence why umbraclaw is unique in this regard since it takes that but puts a spin on it#oh and I know it’s probably obvious I’m a platformer fan but I say this cause I thought I was a general action game fan#but then I thought “I only finished dmc5 wtf am I talking about”#so many action games I dropped 😭 like man even if the combat is good there’s always so much to do and it overwhelms me#as you can see open world also wouldn’t be for me (any game where I need to do something specific to progress my brain combusts)#I will say I will play like whatever interests me but platformers unless they fall under the criteria I don’t like I will definitely beat
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Okay ghosties I’m officially back to working on fics
#working on my Hetty-Flower roommate fic that I had the idea for and plotted out last summer#then immediately stressed myself out too much to work on#finally went back to my draft today and went oh shit this might be one of the greatest things I’ve written if I can actually finish it#I’ve been so overwhelmed haven’t written or even read fics in SO LONG#have legitimately not even logged onto AO3 for MONTHS it has been BAD#but fuck I miss it and I miss this fandom specifically & being active in it so so much#so posting this and NOT DELETING bc otherwise there is absolutely no way I will follow through#please for the love of god HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE GHOSTIES#it speaks
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#sometimes it’s painful being this much of a lover#we haven’t even established feelings for each other and yet he’s the only one i have eyes for#i just wish we could both talk about how we feel#i am more sure than ever that the feeling is mutual#i just feel like we both are over thinkers and think one isn’t into the other i think#there’s a lot of stuff for us to over think about i fear lmao#i just don’t know when the right time to have a conversation like that is??#it’s been so long since i’ve had to talk to a friend and be like hey i think i am falling in love with you#and idk if he’ll ever do it first#i get so nervous thinking about it#or even just thinking about him at all makes my heart race so much#i don’t want to fuck things up so im just going to wait and be patient and act normal#having to pretend i dont want to talk to him 24/7 is kind of fucking painful though#bc i really do just want to talk all the time i love talking to him#ugh#personal
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I truly feel like a dirtbagger. I’m so fucking dirty. Like just covered in it 24/7
#I don’t even dirtbag I sleep in my car 😭 BUT THERES SO MYCH DIRT#I wash myself off and then I’m immediately dirty again#my friend Kyra was in the TTI and in wilderness (in the same state I’m in rn actually) and there’s this thing called perma dirt#which is basically just being so dirty that the dirt doesn’t come off for like a long ass time#I think I’m getting there honestly#like I’m partially tanner but I’m sure some of it is also dirt lmao#doesn’t help that I just fucking tripped and went down HARD on my long run#scraped my knee and thigh and now my upper body is also caked in dirt#and neosporin and a little blood#yall I haven’t taken like an actual indoor plumbing type shower in a month#I HAVE washed myself with soap and whatever JUST TO BE CLEAR#but I have not washed my hair since April#which is why I keep it short#THERES NO FUCKING GYMS AROUND HERE the closest ones are in Vegas and I’m not even in Nevada#I could wash my hair tbh but I’m going to be indoors again on Thursday so I can hold out a little longer#it’s surprisingly not even that bad looking or feeling#it’s somehow feels both dry and dirty but I’ve had worse honestly#anyway I’m gonna go slather creek water on me#prolly filter it bc of my open wounds tho#yeah idk I’ve never been this dirty in my life but it’s kind of what I was going for/expectibg anywzy#car life#I imagine Keith was similar when he lived in the desert#which is also consequently where I am
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I don't have an insta 😔
I do have to respect that honestly.
#instagram is one of the worse social media apps i use it only to post my own photography and scroll on my fyp which is well curated somehow#btw if you’re trying to date dont communicate on instagram#exchange numbers. keep that boundary and keep it sacred#dont let whoever ur trying to date see your social media presence#even worse if their dms are on silent who tf are you and whose dms are you trying to avoid?surely not mine#how are you going to set up a date with me when your insta DMs are on silent. you havent responded to me and its been 6 hours the day of!!!#how is it 3 pm and its your day off and we were supposed to have a date but youre acting like youre beyoncé omg text me the fuck back#plus you haven’t texted me two whole days#and im mad about it cause that’s a very attractive long haired peruvian man i mean wow! fuck this#had to block cause even if there wasn’t any commitment im not letting myself be disrespected the fuck#anyway if a man asks for your Snapchat specifically he is a serial killer and he will murder you OR he is twenty years old or younger#if a man asks for your TikTok he thinks youre in high school. we all are too classy for TikTok#TikTok is the temu of apps just trashy altogether. you open and there’s aliexpress-reminiscent ads…ew…I’ve only posted a few times#but every time i open the app i feel like I’ll catch lice it just feels unclean#we talk about twitter and how ass it is to use which is fair but tiktok is worse i mean…UI nightmare#a man that uses TikTok is off the deep end you can’t save him#he’s frying up his attention span. meaning he wont be able to focus on you as he should because you are a queen#instead he’ll think about skibidi toilet or some shit does anyone know what that is?i dont#imagine kissing a man having no idea he has that fucking ‘oh no oh no oh nonono’ audio stuck in his head#a man should read a book and even then that should be fucking controlled#im reading Freud right now and its torture. tbf it does happen to be sexuality theories#girl its fucking gross#academia is cooked cause in what world do i get creds for reading the most wack books in the history of ever?#I’ve read 11 books and half of them were boring#this Freud included and its repulsive to read and not even true.#why is it 2024 and im still being taught untrue info just cause old man from old times wrote it#i could clear freud. he literally was a cokehead#in the end he’s a man like the rest of them and if you show him TikTok his brain cells will be cooked#so who won?
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