#I have therapy in 9 hours.
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If one more person tells me it wasn’t “my time” to have a child, I’m gonna lose it.
#the universe should’ve never let me conceive if it was just gonna fail#I have therapy in 9 hours.#I’m tired of pretending like I’m okay. I just want him her e
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oversharing in the tags time :)
#i think it’s time i go back to therapy#i keep having recurring nightmares about my ex best friend#or dreams where she reaches out to me. and explains why she cut me out#backstory. in high school had a lesbian toxic situationship with my#bestie. THEN i had another one. which kinda overlapped? the first one was open but also just messy#anyways. jade and i were like together for a year. then she got a boyfriend one day and i had a breakdown#it happened just after high school and i was sooooo … unwell. wasn’t out to my family felt like i was gonna die etc etc#(this is all pre dnp btw) anyways next year i found dnp. a couple months later she broke up with her bf#and we sorted dated for a while (this whole time we’d been just friends and i was still not really over it but hiding it)#and then she dated ANOTHER guy. they broke up and she had a breakdown and moved 9 hours away. i went#to visit her for a month. we like kinda dated again then and i thought we could make it work. then 2020. no travel#so she started dating a guy. didn’t tell me. even though we spoke every day. she moved in with him#then she breaks up with him mid 2021. i started dating my gf. but Jade was clingy and it was awkward#she started dating a sketchy guy who was homophobic. i went and visited her a few times#start of 2023 she tells me she wants to make more of an effort cause he didn’t like her friends so she cut everyone out. then she ghosted#in feb 2023. we had tickets for#mcr in march. i had to text her cause she’d blocked me on messenger and said im going to the concert whether she’s there or not#she said ‘yeah no worries! you can take someone else in my place too 😎’ she used that fucking emoji#and I haven’t spoken to her since. I think she quit her job . and that guy was not a nice man#so I still worry about her#writing this all down makes me realise she was a bitch and I deserve better#but I just want closure. it isn’t fair she replied so casually to my text when I said ‘you’ve blocked me’#it isn’t fair she HAS MY SIGNED COPY OF DANS BOOK#anyways. I need therapy to get over this#and I haven’t even written about my family issues (im#out and they’re supportive but my god they fucked me#up as a kid)#if you read this hi 👋 hope you are having a lovely day#don’t get in lesbian situationships!!!
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uh. good morning for real for once my beautiful mutuals
#what is happening to me#i was supposed to wake up early for an appointment#but instead my body woke up like 2 hours early and i can’t fall back asleep :’)#it’s almost 9 in the morning what am i doing here….#for reference i normally don’t wake up until 1pm at the earliest maybe 12 if i have therapy#im scared#what do people even do this early in the morning#snow.txt
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If you don't leave your house unless forced because you feel so guilty about leaving your dog home alone that it regularly makes you break down crying can you really say you have a guilt complex
#hi my name is Sage and i have a Problem™️#websites say to never leave your dog home alone for more than 4 hours#but i have go be gone for 9 hours 3 days a week for work!!!#and she has separation anxiety so she trembles when she realizes i'm abt to leave!#so how am i supposed to leave during other times? i do on special occasions but otherwise i can't!#i feel too fucking guilty!#i am literally in tears rn bc i feel like i have failed her and her life is worse bc i'm the one who adopted her#when i'm a single woman with a full time job who has limited WFH#this is why i need therapy but can't get it bc no one is accepting new clients! fuck!!!#anyway#i'm gonna go drown myself in my tears now#be back later
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Hey sometimes healing is violence.
Sometimes getting better and truly repairing broken bits of yourself is being angry and letting that anger out.
Sometimes it's OK to not forgive until you've had the chance to rage.
#nikki rants#personal experiences#Remember when I was sad posting about my old buddy yalmst#This is also about him lmfaoooo h#He broke no contact and we argued for like 9 hours straight#And it felt phenomenal. I got to go fucking hog wild#I woke up less tense then I've been in years#Light as a feather#And he even ended up apologizing to me which was very sweet and nice#Considering I was insulting and cursing him out for hours he was actually being quite delightful lmfaoooo#Anyway we still aren't friends again bevause he won't get therapy but we closed the door in a happier way#And it wouldn't have ended that way of I hadn't chosen violence
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Not only was my upstairs neighbor making noise until past 2 am (making it hard for me to fall asleep), I also woke up around 5 am with a flare of my rib pain. Tried going back to sleep. Didn't really manage it by the time it was around 6 am and there was a HUGE FUCKING BANG
Tally knocked over my Fucking Plant when trying to get on the dresser she's Not Allowed On (and so I have the way blocked with stuff... that she knocked off) bc she wanted to eat This Plant Specifically.
I did my best to save it, so we'll see how that goes. It was also past 6 am and I didn't wanna fucking clean up the dirt mess then. And also I was PISSED at Tally for this. So the cats have been locked out of my room for the past 6 or so hours. And I'm still mad at Tally. Not gonna give or accept any affection from her for a few more hours at Least. She knows she's not allowed to do what she did.
Anyways I tried to go back to sleep, managed it for a Little bit but woke up again around 8. And after a bit went back to sleep, then was back up again
I think I got like 4 cycles of sleep overall. Which is... better than nothing... but also Jesus fucking christ, I took a melatonin before trying to sleep, too. The insomnia was just acting up Bad tonight.
#speculation nation#tfw what shouldve been like 9 hours of sleep time ends up being Maybe 6 hours <3#frustrating. but such is life i guess.#now i have 1 hour before it's therapy time. and im Not looking forward to that either.#feeling very disgruntled in general. and talking about my grief wont make that easier. ugh.
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god my executive dysfunction is so fucking Bad lately
#toy txt post#so many tasks and dont want to Do anything and like on the one hand Theyre Not That Hard it wont take THAT long i have plenty of time#on the other hand#it will take like 5fucking hrs and if it doesnt i will find a way to make take 5fucking hours and all this and i still havent eaten#enough for breakfast but like??? what am i supposed to waste energy on actually cooking something?#man i love eggs but i think maybe id actually struggle if i had chickens not cos id get tired of eating eggs but cos#all the low effort ways to consume eggs gross me out and the ways i like are not THAT high effort but its too high effort to be#an everyday thing for me :(#okay i have gotta stop thinking about the State Of Things. and figure out a nutrient dense thing to eat for breakfast thats quick and easy#and that i actually like to eat. but also i maybe want coffee so i should not have a clif bar. augh#IT IS 3PM. FUCK. I FUCKING WOKE UP AT LIKE 9!!!!! AND TOOK MY MEDS EARLY AND I STILL END UP NOT DOING FUCKING ANYTHING AT ALL TIL 3PM#i hate this i need to like#fully reset. i need to go to bed at idk. 9pm and wake up at like 5am and get dressed and go out fucking early i hate this!!!!!#i hate !!!! not fucking functioning!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!#i need a therapist or smth but like one that will find a way to word shit so that it doesnt piss me off and make me want to pettily not do#things that would maybe help#agh#i have been trying to get better about#doing my physical therapy at least
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i have so much to do this week and no time to do it
#work including covering a 9+ hr day for my coworker#baking for a friends bday and for friends moving out of state#i need to reprint im broke & i’ve made little progress#therapy#walking a friends dog#coordinating with new housemate to move some stuff so i don’t have to do it all at once but#we all are super busy#meeting with a friend (who is leaving town for good on friday) about maintaining their garden project#as a fuck you to a local landlord who wants to destroy it for like. no reason#(which might involve signing something & doing snow removal & mowing throughout the year)#and then some obligations to friends i don’t want to give up#and i wanna make sure hal is getting enough engagement in all this so it’s like i need an hour or so each day for that alone#and like i need to do things like laundry and eating and sleeping
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frustrated as all fuck but cant do shit about it because mom is grieving and i dont wanna add to it by being a bitch
#fine ill eat that fucking sandwich you made when i specifically told you i dont want to eat now.#ill spend the rest of the day hating myself for it but whatever makes you happy queen :))))))))))))))))))))#fine ill let you drive me home instead of taking the train and getting a few hours of peace and time for myself.#ill lose my fucking mind but whatever makes you happy queen#fine ill call off the meeting with my dad and his gf on saturday morning like i planned. since you're staying over. its fine.#no fr tho. everything is fine. but eating that fucking sandwich after another of my ed related mental breakdowns is gonna kill me#i can feel my throat closing im gonna throw up fr#also i told her i need to be home BEFORE 1 pm. i had a train at 9. i would have been home by now.#and now it's 11 am and we havent even left yet. but i cant be mad about that either. cant be mad about anything ever.#therapy on wednesday therapy on wednesday therapy on wednesday save me save me save me save me save me
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finished with my finals and completely fucked my sleep schedule so it's time to watch etho double life and limited life and tango double life
#mine#i have therapy in 9 hours but until then i have nothing to do. might nap for a bit and text rat#but other than that. Etho Time
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Constantly trapped between I can’t wait to live away from my family and spend more time alone because I feel like my thoughts will have time to settle and I will lose my mind if I live alone because I am starting to lose a sense of self this week simply because two of my friends are away and I don’t speak to anyone much in school.
#noggin time#I also cannot stand the fact that people I know follow me online or people I respect even#because I have a constant nagging feeling I’m completely and utterly embarrassing I see people posting abt things in their life and like#venting or whatever and I could never do that I think bc so many people follow me that I see face to face#I mean I’m doing this right now but tumblr is it’s own beast I have like one person I know irl on here I think#also it’s not like I have no friends I still talk to teachers and other people but it’s my best friend who I meet every morning and my new#friend I made this year who is in all the same free periods as me and also likes talking about tv shows so it’s like two people I talktomost#if this were a therapy session which it now is I would trace back my feeling of pure unfiltered embarrassment at simply being online back to#when I used framecast when I was like 9 and I drew a character inspired by someone’s oc and they vague posted quite civil abt it like please#don’t copy my ocs guys and I cried about it for hours and hours and I’ve never been the same since not to sound dramatic but it’s true#I delete Instagram every 3 days because it starts to make me feel physically unwell and then I re-download it because I miss everyone#I didnr consider i might have some sort of mental issues other than autism until recently because I just convinced myself this isn’t a prope#r issue I should just get over it but at this point it’s violently affecting my moods when I’m not immediately talking to anyone
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seeing posts about specifically sister relationships and how specific and special they are and feeling a deep deep sadness over how i literally have never had anything like that with my sister
#we played together as kids. then she thought i was weird and didn’t associate with me from ages 9-20.#now we’re both adults and we live in different states and i don’t know anything about her#we’re so different and all we have to talk about when i’m home is complaining about our parents#which is a start i guess but it’s still not enough#i don’t want to put the blame all on her here actually. i don’t think i made an effort to maintain a relationship with her#like. i have a scar on my face from a tickle fight that got too rowdy when we were kids.#now she lives two states away and works in onboarding at A Company (i don’t know which one or what it does)#but she left an irreversible mark on my life. which is probably something she’ll never do again#MAN#caros tumblr therapy hour! this is just what happens when you turn 25
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i wanted kendall and all of them to lose the company but with the way things ended i actually ended up wanting kendall to win. especially because his argument on their mini-vacation actually made some sense
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I fought with my sister and I feel like I've lost an organ lmao
#how do you people do this all the tims#i have a non conventional relationship with my sister due to the fact that she's. 9 years older than me#so we grew up together? kind of? she was already working when i started high school?#and now I'm at a point in my life where i am reliving my adolescence like i never did when i was 17 yk#good god one hour left till my therapy appointment it feels like a century#the point is my therapist will be so happy i fought with her meanwhile I'm here like do you think she'll forgive me if i kneel on chickpeas
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ok no dicking about now im going into exam mode
#have decided i will have to actually revise at night now#instead of coming home after school and immediately just lying in bed#also trying sleep restriction therapy in a desperate attempt to stop waking up in the middle of the night#like i feel way better sleeping for the same time but uninterrupted#so if i try for 6.5 hours every weeknight and like 9 on the weekends#that'll be better than getting like 4/5 every day and being miserable even though i tried to go to bed at 9.30#at least thats my thought#i think the final straw was the day before the maths trip when i slept for like 4 hours and had a migraine the entire time#the train home was literally torture#but yeah anyways#really trying for these exams#also if i get all a*s they'll have to give me academic colours..#i was one of the ones on the shortlist the first term but i didnt get any of the excellent effort grades.#and im not going to start talking in class now so.#have to rely solely on the grades#also the fact that this is one of the main factors in predicted grades#just need to focus on chemistry and maths#physic will be fine as long as i wrap my head around waves
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ough. why did i make an appointment at 10am 😑
#couldn't sleep well last night so I got like ~6 hours of sleep. maybe 7#usually I get 9 :( i need my 9 hours!! aaaaaaa#well#let's hope the doctors appointment thing after therapy goes well and still have a job in september 🤞#doddie redet
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