#I have panic attacks and it was tbh very accurate

[maffinstuff97]

Okay but can we talk about how well Leng acted that panic attack??

[venuslarkspur]

Teen Hero Shenanigans

(The Prologue)

Fall Of Girl Wonder

Summary: Your Damian’s Twin Sister who arrived 3 years after your brother, because of your late arrival you’re never excepted to become Robin, until your brother runs away and you volunteer to take his place in his absence, things are going well until Damian returns and you are thrown under the bus completely by being told you can’t be Robin anymore, after bottling up your anger you decide to go solo by running away and stealing a Batgirl costume. But you’re not alone, your sort of boyfriend joins you; which would be okay if it wasn’t your brother’s best friend of all people.

Pairings: Batfam x Batsis (platonic), Jon Kent x reader (romantic). Very bittersweet tbh, you love your bf but you’re also proving your worth to your family.

Notes: Reader and Damian are very on and off but do love each other ofc. (they only really had one another growing up in the league) To clear things up Bruce has a genuine reason for discharging reader of the Robin mantle but that’s an epilogue thing I fear, Reader is 16 so is Jon. I’d give this series maybe a 15+ rating as there will be be some heavy topics involved and some “problematic” language icl. Reader also is closest with Cass and Jason specifically, all of this isn’t at all comic book accurate but does include elements from the comics. (Also very fanony when it’s comes to the Batfam and Superfam) (I don’t own any of the characters this is fan-fiction 💙)

Warnings: Mentions of panic attacks, Damian runs away from home for a bit. Unless count Bruce being a semi shitty father then not a lot of warnings tbh. This is just the epilogue we haven’t even got to the real drama yet. 👏

Words: 1.4k

6 months, 2 weeks and 3 days. That’s how long you’ve held the Robin mantle, you trained none stop before even having volunteered for it. You wondered what your plan even was, as long as Damian had it you couldn’t. Then he ran away and it was all too convenient, you got the mask, the gloves and the cute boy. Were you worried about Damian? Obviously, you had panic attacks about it mid patrol, which meant whatever member of your family that was unlucky enough to be awake at that time, had to take your shift. You knew Barbara and Tim would track him eventually and were doing everything in their power, but that didn’t ease your worry, you even considered alerting your mother but you knew if she got wind of this she would force you to come back with her for your own safety, and you didn’t feel like going to back the small, sad, isolated girl you were before.

You had also gotten closer to Jon Kent, a best friend of your brother. In truth, you are immediately lovesick, so was he. But it came as a bit of bittersweet shock to you both that over your course of searching for Damian you had given up along the way and became invested in one another. Eventually it become so much more than just a mutual love for Damian, soon the Damian questions become You questions. Things progressed quickly, it went from “Do you think my brother is close by?” to “My dad and siblings aren’t home, do you wanna come over?” He makes it over every time, Alfred knows and you know that he knows. You begged him not to tell your father or anyone for that matter, he respected your decision to wait for the right time but would occasionally come in asking if you wanted anything. (You know it’s a ploy to check on you two) Clark and Lois 100% know and they approve but have been sworn to secrecy by you, you weren’t ashamed; of course not. It’s just that if you told even just one of your siblings, knowing them they would spill and accidentally tell another one of your siblings until the cycle continues and eventually reaches Damian. Though you were sure Cass already knew and you suspected Jason was catching on, but you weren’t even surprised that he was beginning to find out. He knew you well, after a good three years spending time and training with him and his group of people it became hard to keep secrets, although your weird duo did start off as a result of you being upset and jealous of Damian’s close relationship with Dick, you’re sure you’d still pick being Jason’s dysfunctional- unofficial sidekick.

As for Cass you knew there was a mutual appreciation for the fact you were both less outnumbered in terms of Bruce’s female children, sure Barbara was like an older sister to you and she always supported you over the com line on missions. But it wasn’t the same as having an actual sister, but it was unusual to call any of them your siblings, not just Cass. It took a while but the first time you remember calling one of them your brother or sister was when Dick had to come all the way and pick you up from school because of a “skiing accident” with your father, you knew immediately something must of happened because Alfred was always on time to get you, So when Dick came along you told your teacher your brother was here to pick you up instead, she waved you goodbye and as you entered the car you noticed the slight grin of his face, looking like he wanted to tease you, but he knew you weren’t so like Damian and wouldn’t even deny accepting him as a brother. You adapted much quicker than Damian, even if you have to get used to having 5 more siblings from now. (Yes I included Duke. <3)

—————————

It was the start of Christmas month and you were just doing your rounds with Stephanie and Barbara around the mall, Steph had gotten distracted a couple of times whilst window shopping but you and Barb managed to tug her along. You were nervous as your 16th birthday was also approaching, Jon had already turned 16 and you got to see him on his birthday; by masking it as going on patrol. It was fun but the question was popped at the party on when you were planning on telling your family about your relationship, you tensed up but luckily Lois took your side and encouraged you to tell Bruce and the rest when you were ready. This is why you like her. But right now you couldn’t think of that, you had to look for a present for Jon without being suspected.

Luckily Barbara had gone in the nearby cafe to get you guys some drinks, but that still left you with Steph. Maybe if you played it calm she wouldn’t even notice, so you started searching around looking at stuff and you thought that maybe you were safe. “Whatchu got there?” She bubbled, you took about a 5 foot jump backwards before blushing intensely. “Nothing.” You said calmly whilst shoving the item back on the shelf, she put her hand on her chin as if she was inspecting you. “Sooo who’s the lucky guy then? Or girl.” She smirked, “There’s no use lying is there?” You asked, “Absolutely not, so spill.” She leaned in and studied your face, “I can’t tell you who, but I’ve been seeing someone and before you ask I’m not in any trouble.” You confess, she shrugs as if wanting to ask more; but Barbara called out to you both drinks in hand, you swiftly looked back at Steph just for her to do a zipping motion with her lips, which satisfied you enough. “What have I missed?” Barb asked, you let out a sigh you didn’t know you were holding in and spoke up. “Well I was just wondering-“ You were cut of by a notification sound on Barbara’s phone, “We need to get back to the manor, now.” She said without a hint of warmth in her voice in order to calm you. What has happened now? You had quickly all changed into costume, excepting the worst.

——————————

You hastily made you way through the manor, Steph and Barbara in tow. Tim was waiting at the entrance to the kitchen and he tried to stop you, “Hey-don’t go in yet-“ you shrugged him off and continued on and Barbara eyed him suspiciously. You wished that you had waited, you weren’t prepared to see your newly found twin brother sitting on one of the stools with an ice pack above his brow, deep cuts layered across his arms and bruises across his neck. He must of put up a good fight against which ever one of your siblings found him, you assumed it was Dick as he was in costume and had slashes of his own. Alfred sat next to him, tending to his wounds whilst your father was stood next to him; checking out the marks Alfred wasn’t attending to, the room had now fell silent as everyone had now realised how awkward it was for Damian to see his twin sister in a Robin get up, this is the worst. You simply only stared into each other’s matching green eyes until you made the first move, you ran over and collapsed into him, giving him a bone crushing hug, he sat all tensed up before slowly returning the hug. “I’m sorry brother-I-I just.” Tears welled down your face before you threw off your mask and let it land on the other side of the room, you had never felt so relieved and guilty at the same time.

——————————

That night you stayed with your brother as long as possible, you had so many questions but right now you just wanted to embrace his return. Since it was an uncomfortable situation for everyone, most of the family decided to stay the night. You had crossed paths with Jason mid kitchen trip and he checked in on you first, but you couldn’t pin why it felt like he was holding something in. “You know you could forget all about this Girl Wonder thing and just join me, like old times.” He proposed, you looked at him puzzled. “By old times you mean a couple months ago? Also why are you asking me this? did something happen?” You questioned but watched as he couldn’t meet your gaze, “Bruce wants to see you downstairs, but you don’t have to go-“ “Okay fair enough, I’ll go see him now.” You interrupted and walked past him and ignored his muffled rejections, as you were now approaching the main office.

You should have listened to Jason, you should have gone with him. You’d regret not listening to him.

————————————

“Good news, you can put away the Robin costume for good now.”

————————————

Taglist: @waterwyne @venusmorning

(Part 1 is out!)

[tangents-within-tangents]

As much as I love sweet headcanons and found family fics about the Batch accepting Echo and supporting him through his adjustment and PTSD/trauma, gotta remember that what we were actually given in canon is this:

Hunter: Me and the boys will tag along anyway, if only to say I told you so. Crosshair: I would have left him for dead too. Besides, he's just another reg.

(his rescue was just a mission for them, wouldn't have done it otherwise)

Tech: To be blunt his mind belonged to the Separatists until we unplugged him. We don't really know where his loyalties lie. Rex: Yeah? Well I know. Hunter: Alright Echo what are you trying to pull? Tech: How do we know that's what you're really going to do? Hunter: Well I guess you actually are on our side.

(They openly doubt his loyalty even though they saw what he went through, and he already fought alongside them on Skako. Feels kinda victim-blamey to me, and it's odd that it goes straight from this to him joining them, like he had to prove himself worthy first? It's just the opposite of fanon which usually has the Batch be immediately sympathetic/protective and assume the regs would distrust him)

Tech: You are more machine than man, percentage wise at least. Echo, a triple amputee: *sigh* lucky me...

Palpatine: ...the attempt on my life has left me scarred and deformed Wrecker: You can say that again! Echo, a physically disabled person:

Echo, who was medically experimented on: *injured and having a panic attack in the medbay* The Batch: *off somewhere joking/betting about if he’s dead*

Tech: -from the Citadel rescue when you... how shall I put this? Wrecker: Blew up!! :D Crosshair: And turned into that Echo: *sigh* yes

Random stranger: *mistakes Echofor a droid* Hunter: *smiles and goes along with it for the credits* Echo, who was SOLD and dehumanized as a pow: *visibly uncomfortable* Hunter: Echo, go to your new owner.

Echo, who was treated like property by the Techno Union: *explains why slavery is wrong* And we are gonna stop it from happening to that kid. Tech: As well as earn a decent amount of credits once the job is complete. Echo: (bitterly) yeah, that too *leaves the room*

Tech: The client being a Separatist is not relevant. Echo, who was imprisoned and tortured by Separatists for over a year: It is to me! Hunter: Forget politics! We're here to do a job.

Tech: This squad existed before Echo was a part of it, and it will exist after.

For the record, yes people can and do joke about their trauma and disabilities

But look at Echo’s reactions/tone/body language in these scenes. It’s downcast sighs and discomfort, while the others are smiling, sneering, or dismissive. And because it's animated that means that every facial expression was intentionally designed.

What really clinches it for me is this moment:

Omega, a child who he just met, comforts him and helps him through his panic attack. But when the Batch, his squad who he's been living with for at least ~6 months, comes into the room he visibly closes himself off and hides his vulnerability :(

There are good moments too (though tbh i can't think of many)

I don't wanna discount that, but that doesn't discount this either. And it's just really weird when you think about it. Like half of these were in the first episode, which is the first time we are actually seeing how these characters interact together as a squad. And this is coming from the "defective" clones who supposedly know what it's like to not fit in? Who offered Echo a place with them specifically because they thought he wouldn't be accepted by others?

As with anything, there are ways we can read into or explain these moments (like honestly 'selling' your brother or betting that your brother died by lunch tray is very accurate sibling energy (And my personal headcanon (to reconcile it for myself bc the show didn't) is that Wrecker was worried about Echo so Crosshair jokingly exaggerated that he was dead and turned it into an argument/bet to distract him (which is also why I think he turns battles into a game/competition with Wrecker)) but Echo is very traumatized and there's a complete lack of consideration there). But that doesn't excuse it nor does it change the fact that this is what was presented to us in the writing. Characters aren't actually people (shocking I know lol), so any of their 'choices' are actually made by a real-life writer. And whether the implications of these moments were fully considered/intended or not, it still portrays the characters and their attitudes/relationships in a certain way.

[qprpbj]

do you have any tips on how to start writing fics?

the outsiders brainrot actually has me coming up with ideas and i have a desire to start writing them into actual stories but i've never written outside of class papers/assignments and i don't really know where/how to start since it's all just my own prompts and ideas and there's no grading rubric lmaoooo

like do you plan out each fic with a list first or do you just start writing about the main plot point of the chapter and fill in out of order or do you just start writing and see where it takes you... do you do any research while you're planning or pull from other authors/fics/posts or write from experience...

how do you decide when to stop writing or decide on which endings/paths/plot points to go with... the deadly combo of indecisiveness and perfectionism along with having no guidelines or due dates is crippling me so im asking some of my fav authors (who have also been inspiring me to write and be creative)

wait hi this is so sweet thank you!!! 🥹🥹 i will preface All This (sorry i yapped so much lol) by. i’ve been writing fic for like ten years and i think a lot of my old fic, while deeply cringe and awful, was all very important to getting me where i am today where i feel i can accurately get across what im trying to say!!!

first. hone your ideas!!! try to find a good niche you feel comfortable in (but also. don’t limit your creativity!!!). idk for me it’s easier to start specific and small rather than super general bc then i have Tooooo much freedom u know. i think my niche sorta across fandoms is generally softer dialogue, exploring close siblings or familial or friendship bonds an dynamics through situation, a lot of fluff, maybe a lil hurt comfort

i basically exclusively write in order! unless i get a really cool line/paragraph in my head that i write out and save for later to fit in somewhere. i usually have a like one-line idea that just Comes to me (ex. this was my entire line idea that turned into that pony getting jumped fic!)

then i’ll expand it a little more into a shitty little paragraph (ex. here’s a few!!!)

and then tbh after that i just kinda write everything in order from top to bottom from there. i wish i were more organized tbh and writing long fic/chaptered stuff is still sooo hard for me (which is why i don’t do it much yet lol) but im really trying to break out of it!! slowly we are learning!!! retaining the inspo and drive necessary to write that much is harddddd lmfao

before writing i always do have a solid idea where i want it to start and go and end though. like that ponyboy jumping fic i Knew i wanted to have pony get jumped in the opening scene, then go home, try to break down cutting his own hair, brothers come in and talk him down and it ends with talking abt johnny, even if i didn’t like. List that all out in words in a document.

definitely do research!!! espppp for outsiders bc it was like 60 years ago!!! well researched fics are soooo obviously tonally different and it’s always super obvious imo when that sort of care is put into ur writing. that fic i wrote about darry getting a panic attack was important researching bc panic attacks weren’t well known or researched or even Called panic attacks back then, so it’d be hella jarring seeing like 1967 13y/o pony whip out “you’re having a panic attack darry 🤓👆” yk lmfaoo

i SOO get the perfectionism and having no due dates thing btw. i have literally like 5 fics i’ve started and not finished in my docs rn with like 15 more ideas i wanna write someday. tbh! try to enter that Hyperfixation Zone and be really excited about what you’re making!!! helps it go by easier bc i swear sometimes i’ll write fic and it feels like pulling teeth even though it’s supposed to be fun!!!

last thing. try and find friends to bounce ideas off of and go crazy with you <3 or ppl to beta read!!! makes writing SO much easier and sm more fun having a your own lil personal cheerleader!!! if you ever need a beta id be soooo happy to read whatever you’ve got and hype u up!!! <3 i hope this helped at least a little bit LOL my writing process is kinda chaotic ngl

[paradisepoisoned]

always so ready to scream about meronia... 5 random headcanons for them, i beg of you

OMG YES ok it was hard what five to pick and this is gonna be long winded but fuck it I'm excited lol also I apologize in advance if this is senseless rambling I am not a very articulate person 😅

1-so I have this headcanon that Near and Mello both each have like their own little spice of PTSD or something, and they are the only ones who can kinda talk each other down in a way. I always Imagined Mello being born in Croatia during the Yugoslav wars and just living through horrendous trauma (this could be a post in itself so I'm gonna refrain because I have so many thoughts on Mello pre-wammys house but ANYWAY) and I don't really think he ever had time to process it, like he was living in a war torn country, everything he once knew, his family, everything blown apart and all of sudden he's at a prestigious secret orphanage for geniuses in England. So he kinda just buried it and didnt look back and dedicated everything to making L proud hoping that would be enough to make it go away but obviously it's not and so sometimes when he hears firecrackers or a siren or even one of Matt's videogames it fucking SENDS him and one day Near catches Mello hyperventilating in the hallway and Near shows him a breathing technique and breathes with him till he stops and Mello fucking hates him cause it works and it's something he uses the rest of his life and he thinks of Near.  Near only knows the breathing technique cause he also gets panic attacks but what gets Near the most is the nightmares. The nightmares send him into thrashing fits but the worst is the sleep paralysis. It would happen one of the first few nights when they slept together and Mello would stroke his cheek or hold his hand and talk him through it or recite a passage from a book, anything to distract him. Near never says what the nightmares are about or what he sees during sleep paralysis and Mello never pushes it.They don't know what the other went through but there is a mutual unspoken understanding and I feel like that is the closest they ever get to affection 

2-I feel like this is a really unpopular headcanon and not really accurate but idc I think Near secretly resents L. Idk why but I just like this headcanon. I picture Near to be a bit of a bitter person and I think he blames Mello's hatred for him on L though he'd never admit it  and tbh I don't think Near had any desire to become L at all I think he was apathetic towards everything at first it wasn't until Mello came along that he started feeling alive. Near never cared about being L. He cared about the game he and Mello played. I also think mellos admiration of L would just solidify Near's disdain and I would imagine they've gotten into a fight or two about the integrity of L's character. 

3-I think both would deny it but they can make each other laugh. Like genuinely laugh. I think they would fight it but every once in a while like on a full moon or some shit Near would make a snarky comment at someone or Mello would make a face behind rogers back and before they could stop themselves it would come out. They are mortified at how the others laughter makes there heart skip a beat and neither would admit to this under torture.

4-I think Mello is one of the only people who knows Near is secretly a disturbed basket case and hear me out lol. Mello is probably the closest Near has ever gotten to someone and this is already turning into a thesis so I'm not gonna get into my headcanons for Near pre wammys but ya boy has ISSUES. Like one day Mello would catch Near doing something wild like trashing A's old room (idk I have a headcanon that A and B's room stayed like mausoleums at the orphanage and it was like a ghost story) and Mello would get the blame for it cause who would fucking believe him if he said Near did it. So he gets grounded for a week and Near slips him chocolate under the door as a silent apology. 

5-Linda and Roger put together a funeral for Mello and Matt. Near did not attend. 

 I'm sorry this turned into a Ted Talk without almost any punctuation, but it feels good to scream about these two thank you loll

[kanona56]

I tried to read your fic because the premise is interesting but tbh the fact that you claim to not be a poc puts a bad taste in my mouth, especially because its obvious you're not. Its so tiring seeing poc characters being written by people who obviously don't know what to do with them or write them correctly. Most of your fic is Philip being portrayed as weak and afraid which isn't a good look for his character or your view of people like him. Do better, and maybe do some research while you're at it.

I...

Listen, I've already been through this. I don't know if you are among the same people who raided me and cried to me not too long ago about writing a black character as a non-black individual. If you are, kindly screw off my blog. Click the back button on my fic and move on if it bothers you, it's literally that easy. I'm not dealing with this again.

If you're not, allow me to tell you something: The fact that your interpretation of Philip's very clear symptoms of PTSD and anxiety is weakness and fear says a lot about how you view his character and people like him. For God's sake, Philip's canon lore even describes him as a man who has witnessed unspeakable things as a child and an adult and who has literally lost everyone and everything he's ever loved. He is a genocide survivor.

Consider the fact that, on top of his mountain of childhood trauma and his often crippling anxiety, he's just been kidnapped by an Eldrich God and tossed into a new world where nothing makes sense and he's bound to die over and over again. Of COURSE he's going to be exceptionally vulnerable and sensitive. Of course he's going to have a mental breakdown. Of course he's going to get so overwhelmed by the sheer absurdity that he'd succumb to a panic attack or two. That's not weakness, my friend. That is the effects of trauma on a broken person.

I'm not going to say my depictions of Philip and his struggling mental health is a perfect representation, but I can and will say that I've done my damn hardest to be as accurate and plausible as possible within the world of DBD. I've done my research. Hours and hours worth of it, actually. Sorry that it wasn't enough for you, although I suspect no amount of research was ever going to please someone like you. :)

[astrobei]

Hello, I love your fics so much!! I read all of them as soon as they drop and literally reread a handful when I need some extra Byler comfort.

I am currently obsessed with "A Body in Motion." When I tell you chapter 2 destroyed me (in the best way) I mean it 10 million times over haha. I can't wait to for the next chapter!! Obviously this is not to rush you/pressure you!! I just wanted to let you know how much I love it and how well you portray Mike's anxiety (which I think is canon tbh and I don't see enough people write Mike in that way). Idk if you also suffer from anxiety or any kind of panic disorder, but his breakdown in the bathroom was spot on (I have anxiety/frequent panic attacks) and I just couldn't believe how eloquently and accurately you wrote it (anxiety is usually portrayed in fics poorly, and it's almost always through Will). Mike trying to isolate so as *not* to have a panic attack in Will's presence was key to the accuracy, his thought process in that moment was sad but very accurate. Will comforting him by being the grounding tether for Mike...Mike feeling his heartbeat and his little "Oh God" and falling into Will... literally some tears were shed because UGHHH it that whole scene was so good. Literally could go on all day.

Anyway, you're an amazing writer! ❤ That's all!

ok so first of all i need to get this out there that i read this ask and literally had to read it like 3 times over just to process and i was smiling the whole time bc it is so ! thoughtful ! genuinely genuinely genuinely i am so glad this scene stood out to you as much as it did! it was a large part of why ch2 was so daunting for me to write and also why it took so long, because i was really trying to make sure it was well written and intentional and not rushed or like. cheapened for convenience if that makes sense !! i wrote it based largely on my own experiences with anxiety and panic attacks bc i do in fact deal with both of those things and have for a long time and i was trying to make it as realistic and relatable as possible so i’m so so glad it rang true to you !! i was also so nervous after posting it that people would find it weird or forced or awkward or any combination of those things and just overall was a little anxious about it but it’s been so well received and this is maybe the kindest thing anyone has had to say about it so !! i’m just very <333 🥰 i know everyone’s experiences with it are a little different which is a part of why i was so intimidated by the concept when i first thought of it but it’s also a very deeply personal scene to me bc i was sort of thinking like. what sorts of things would help Me when i’ve gone through it before. like what would i have wanted someone to do and say to me etc etc and just you picking up on details like mike trying to get away before it sets in bc he doesn’t want will to have to see it means the whole entire world to me i’m being so serious ☹️🫂 this got so long but i just wanted to say thank you so much this was so thoughtful and i’ll be thinking about it for forever <3

[lumineescente]

Hi amelie <33

💫, 🎀, 💞, 💥, and 🧿 for the ask game <33333

hiii!!!! thank you for your ask!! <3

💫my favorite is when people tell me that they felt things, any kind of feelings really, (well as long as they are okay you know like they agreed to feel even uncomfortable feelings when reading angst). It makes me think oh i did well because for me when I go to read / look / see a art piece i want to feel things, if it just does nothing in me then it means it was not for me! so i'm glad to read that i can give feelings to others

🎀aaah this one is a nice one! hmm well it is a bit hard ahaha i think.. it's good that i try more to explore various stuff and that i'm less and less afraid of experimenting stuff, that i feel like i let myself be more self indulgent even if i'm hard on myself still. oh and!! i write friendships very well imo, i think i do that well, and my dialogues are good

💞i answered that one in my other post here!!

💥i chose (i have fics with less but they are REALLY old so) this fics that has like 24 kudos, it is a pentagon fic, the star he holds actually i really enjoyed writing this fic, this is also an exemple of me going on something i didn't feel like doing a few years ago (homophobia and coming to terms with homosexuality + non historically accurate setting (70s??)) and i jumped into it while listening to a song, i conveyed the vibe i wanted, talked about what i wanted and with the feedbacks i got, it worked very well. I'm proud of this one

🧿this is the hardest part for me because i feel very self conscious and i tend to compare myself a lot. It happens to me a lot tbh to not be satisfied with the hits or kudos and realize oh god some people are getting so much and i don't what am i doing wrong. It stopped me from writing for a year almost entirely (also i was living with a person that kept bringing back the amount of kudos and comments they had so i felt terrible and anxious all the time) and i was having serious panic attack about it! which sucks!! so now, i'm trying to, 1) look less at stats and 2) to feel extremely grateful with what i get it might be one comment or three or four but the fics that didn't work "well" gave me the most beautiful comments i've ever received, sincerely, so i make myself remember that. Plus if thirty people came to me to tell me directly in front of my face "i love what you do" i'd be overwhelmed with joy irl, so i put it that way. And I learn to be more grateful every day every time i post a new fic, if it pleases just one person, then so be it, this person is precious!

hehe hope i didn't ramble for too long <3 thank you again

[sleepdeprivedsimp234]

AUGHHHH MY HEART <3 /pos

Silly:

I’ve never heard of combining ice cream and soy sauce, but strangely I can see NY liking it lmao. He probably uses it to freak out all the other states tbh. He stares into their souls as he eats it, enjoying the fear and confusion in their eyes. And with a smile, he’ll do it again :)

Honestly him stealing other state’s clothes (hoodies, shirts, tank tops, sometimes sweatpants) has always been a headcanon for me and it holds a special place in my heart. I imagine that the bigger clothes make him feel safe and protected 🥺😭 Though one time he stole one of Alaska’s hoodies and it ended up being the equivalent to a weighted blanket. Poor thing was stuck. He also likes to think that the others don’t notice, but they do. And they think it’s cute and wholesome.

Him having a friendship with Loui will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart and I can 100% see them reading picture books together 😭🧡. They’ve probably both made a picture book together at some point tbh. Also- NY seeing a book he thinks Loui would like and bringing it to him for their next We-Can’t-F*ckin-Sleep session? YES PLEASE-

FKSGDKSHDKSHDKSHDKSHDKS HIM PAINTING PARTS OF THE STATES DEPENDING ON WHO HE’S MAD AT IS GREAT 😭😭

Tell me why I read this and instantly thought of those acting TikTok’s where the boys wear towels on their heads to represent women/girls 😭💀 NY is the type to throw his jacket over his head and just randomly run at people to hear them scream and run away. He is quite the silly lil fella.

He probably hides a lot of stuff in his beanie and candy is 100% one of those things 😭 he probably also has a rat chilling up there ratatouille style lmao

Angst:

He is the literal definition of sleep deprived 😭 He can fall asleep standing, hanging upside down, all that. Yet when it comes to him actually having to go to bed and go to sleep, he can’t. He just- can’t. Especially not with the nightmares about the war and abuse, the sh*t load of work, and the fact that he feels as though he doesn’t deserve to take a break. Till eventually, he gets sick and passes out. I can also see him using makeup to hide the fact that he’s tired.

NY literally cannot handle loud noise and if he doesn’t disappear, he’ll have a panic attack in front of everyone. Which would be embarrassing. And he’d be seen as weak. Which he does NOT want

I mean- it’s canon that he’s always stressed, he said it himself. "Ya can’t feel somethin’ that’s always there." Like- AUGH. So when things get too much he goes on a never-ending working spree and locks himself up for a while, barely sleeping, eating or drinking anything that’s not coffee. Also- I hc that he picks at his skin and scratches himself, so he’ll often times have scratches and cuts on his hands as well as bleeding and peeling on his fingertips/nailbeds/sides of his fingers.

HIM BEING ABLE TO COMFORT OTHERS BUT NOT HIMSELF??? ABSOLUTELY- he also probably rejects an help that is offered to him cuz he hates feeling like a burden to his loved ones. Then that’s when the others sic the Midwest, OG13, or probably Loui on him 😭. They make sure that some food is put in his system, but they don’t force-feed him or anything. Instead, they’ll calmly sit with him until he’s finished eating and just talk to him and remind him that they’re there for him if he needs a shoulder to cry on.

NY vanishing to somewhere where he won’t be found is fully accurate lmao. He probably goes to Wyoming the most cuz Wyoming understands him to an extent and understands if he wants to be left alone. Iowa would probably try to take him in like one would a lost a child. All the OG13 and Main 6 keep a VERY close eye on NY, making sure that he’s not hurting himself and helping him if they notice he’s stressed and/or overwhelmed. If it’s during a meeting, they’ll cover his ears and teleport him out of the meeting.

He’s definitely attempted before. Just saying. He still sometimes hopes that maybe the immortality wore off.

This man is definitely a wall puncher and has broken his hand or bruised his hand from doing so (he’s the definition of glass bones and paper skin-). NY seems to be on that line between being afraid of fire and loving fire. Like-"Oooo pretty- but danger- but pretty- but danger- I’m gonna lick it-"

Do you have any silly hc’s and ansgty hc’s for NY?

**it’s fine if not lol**

Hii! Ooo thank you for the ask, and I may have a few of both kinds of hc's for him :D

New York's silly hc's:

-He has tried ice cream and soy sauce together because he read about it in a book and surprisingly, he doesn't hate the combination. (the book is King of Wrath by Ana Huang, which is set in New York)

-I like to think that he tries on the shoes of the bigger states in the statehouse because he finds fun in doing so. New York was wearing Texas's huge dress shoes and tripped on them, and Alaska so happened to be nearby and helped him up, which got Alaska to be the one to first notice this habit of his.

-He and Louisiana read picture books together on nights when they can't go to sleep. Sometimes they're picture books that New York himself wrote, other times they're picture books that New York finds in his local bookstore that he thinks Loui would like.

-Whenever he's angry at a certain state, he paints a portrait of them that portrays them in the ugliest way possible. It could be a painting of the state's face with the ugliest color combos and/or purposefully messed up proportions or he may paint a part of the state that the state considere to be ugly or unattractive (ie. if here were madam at Texas, he'd paint Austin bc TX thinks that Austin is ugly, California w/ Bakersfield, Michigan w/ the border shared between him and Ohio, etc)

-He sometimes likes to wear his coats on his head like a wig and walks around the statehouse as he's doing so. And he likes to style it too: sometimes the coat looks like a whole ass muffin on his head (think of how people with long hair wrap a towel around their hair after a shower). Everyone else thinks he looks insane, but he's happy doing it for some reason.

-He hides candy in his beanie and nobody knows.

New York's angsty hc's:

-He has a terrible relationship with sleep. He can't sleep because of flashbacks of his past, he can't sleep because of his workload, and sometimes he doesn't sleep on purpose just to punish himself.

-He likes to lock himself in his room when the statehouse gets too loud. It reminds him of his past again (with all the wars and stuff) and he prefers not to interact with anyone at all for a few days to deal with it.

-[TW: self-harm] Whenever he does something that doesn't reach his own standards, he hurts himself in many ways. He indulges in his never ending workload, he stays up all night, he doesn't eat, and he can't talk to anyone without screaming at them (which hurts NY bc he doesn't like hurting his loved ones).

-He likes to cook for others but rarely finds the will to cook for himself sometimes, much less eat. It's the same way with comforting others: he always is the first to try and uplift somebody yet he can never uplift himself when he needs to.

-He likes to disappear whenever he gets too overwhelmed. The fellas in the Northeast always try and look for him whenever he does so, but New York always finds a spot where he knows he can't be found (usually in Wyoming and Iowa since they're usually forgotten, and both states seem peaceful to me), so they just wait for him to return home hoping he's okay. There was an occasion where he came back with cuts and bruises all over his body to the point he was hospitalized, and though the northeast states thought it was bc of a fight, it turned out to be self-inflicted injuries. The northeast now keep an eye out for any sign that NY's stressed out/overwhelmed so they can go talk to him before he decides to disappear again.

-[TW: suicidal thoughts] He likes to think about not being immortal & what life would be like if only he were to be able to die like normal humans. Sometimes he doesn't have the will to live and finds it so hard to accept that he can't just die. This fic by @xechoecho88x is a great story that ties along with this specific headcanon if you're interested in reading something like this :D

-He has a severely damaged wall designed for when he needs to let out some anger. To go along the lines of this, he likes fire and burns random things to keep himself at ease. The only thing that he regrets burning is an old necklace given to him by a friendly old lady he met & befriended in upstate. Her death took a toll on him and he burned the only thing that reminded him of her so he wouldn't mourn as much, but all he feels now is regret.

That's all I have, I hope you like it :D Thank you sm again for your ask, I appreciate it so much <3

[eitelle]

Kenma Kozume Headcanons

Genre: fluff, angst if u squint

Warning(s): cursing, mentions of an ED, and slight mentions of a panic attack

Pairing(s): kenma kozume x gn!reader

A/n: hi everyone kinda been a lil mia lately sorry but this is just kenma brain rot to fill my needs and it’s just pure like self indulgent writing so it’s not proofread and is basically things I hc him doing, to make me feel better :)) make sure to drink water and eat food ur body deserves nutrients. And if no ones told u yet, I love you and I’m proud of you!! (Look at u go purr period) ok have a good day loves!! Also my inbox is always open so feel free to flood w requests or just to rant. Damn this was long sorry KAJSBD <3 -Elle 🦶

Alr let’s get into it why don’t we. This is just hcs in general so no particular anything, so it’s very random pls

Pretty boy would have u and him hugging or gaming as his lockscreen and his homescreen

I feel like he def used to compare himself to other people, so if he ever saw u doing that he would fs cuddle you, praise you, and actually show pda bc u deserve it !!

Would drop his games for you.

I HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN. ALL U MFS WHO SAY HE WOULD CALL U KITTEN ARE WRONG (in my humble opinion ofc) BC THAT MF BULLIES THIS TALL ASS WHITE HAIRED RUSSIAN HYBRID aka lev 24/7. HE WOULD NOT CALL U KITTEN PLS HIS ONLY SOFT SPOT IS FOR SHOYO !!!!

I don’t ship kenhina btw but if u do thats chill, I just mean as besties 😋☝️

Mf is a dry ass texted but beats up kuroo for using cat emojis and only kuroo

If u were nekomas manager he would go just for you. Damn mans is whipped

If u can bake he will propose. And I’m not saying that figuratively. Like kozu will get on one knee and be like “will u make me the happiest man on this earth and MARRY ME SO I CAN HAVE THESE DESSERTS EVERYDAY”

Is secretly vv possesive (ooh kinky 😳🥴) and will mark you (iyk what I mean) (ps I mean like hell make ur gaming tags kenmay/n345 or summ PLSS)

Bby boy will mf drag u places if he rly wants too bc mans is needy for quality time and like hand holding

Vv touch starved but also just wants ur prescience by him

Ok so I hc that at one point of his life, he got so into gaming or summ and then WAIT DID A FUCKING RYAN HIGA COME UP ON MY PLAYLIST I- sorry that was random. Anyways, he stopped eating slowly and accidentally developed an ED

So when y’all started dating, you would share ur plate w him and now even tho his minor ED is gone (thank god I hate that hc bc I hate seeing bub in pain 😔👊 but I still feel like it’s accurate) he can’t eat wo sharing ur plate if ur w him bc it doesn’t feel right

CLINGY ‼️ BOY ‼️

He likes being the little spoon bc he likes when he gets held bc like I said, touch starved bby, but he also loves being big spoon bc that means he gets to hold you 🥺🥺

Tell me why I feel like this man would clown u over liking to read even tho he does too

If u make one spelling mistake, ur done for. That’s ur contact name now until u make a funnier one

Has made matching sweatshirts for u two (sugar daddy kenma 🤑🤑)

When he gets bored he looks at wedding rings PLS

His most used emoji is this one 🥱 bc the gc (w anyone in it tbh 💀) annoys him so he uses it a lot.

His second most used one is 😚 bc he is secretly soft w u

Has and would wear a maid dress (that’s so hot goodbye)

Three words. Sugar daddy kenma.

Three more words. Soft boy kenma.

Those are his two moods 😋🦶

Would hate it if I used the foot emoji randomly even tho I do but he still prob hates it pls-

I FEEL LIKE HES INTO ASTROLOGY IDK WHY

secretly a weeb? secretly a weeb.

He’s a nerd pls

When he’s the ceo of bouncing ball Corp- 🥴😻😋🥺💗💖💕💓. Ew Michelle stop this is hcs not u thirsting over kozu. Stop. Touch grass.

Has and will pick up ur ‘slang’ or how u text (if ur not a dry texter bc that’s already him)

Shows his love wo words if that makes sense. Like ik it does but like idk how to elaborate. Imma just leave that there then 😋

Can we all collectively agree that kenma would spoil u and not him? Like I just feel like his mind is:

You

Video games

Food

Spending time with you

Him

Kuroo

Like I just feel like that’s his mind

Guys I’m so in love w him and I’m still confused as to what his last name or first name is help. Like my friend told me his first name is kozume but then google is confusing me help.

SMART ‼️ BOI ‼️

Def loves study dates

Will act cold but then will also not? Idk mans is just so like half and half. WAIT FUCK DO I HAVE A TYPE? Kenma, kags, todoroki... FUCK.

Anyways...

have a panic attack? Kenma is there to help. Cant game? Issok Kenma will help. Shy and touch deprived? So is he. But he’s still there to help. Getting a feel for what I’m saying?

He will and has made playlists for every date y’all go on, even if it’s the same thing, he will still make a new playlist

Makes food terribly. Like he cannot cook for shit.

Ideal date: bullying kids in roblox together/making drama in royale high 🥺😻 wow so romantic 🤠

I’m not joking tho that seems like such a fun date pls-

If you wanna talk shit ab anyone this bitch has dirt on them I just know it-

Has an album of photos of just u 🥺

If he smells food, he will run to it idc what he’s doing he will run to it

*y’all cuddling*

*he smells hot food*

*your boyfriend: gone.* 🤨🤨

LIKE THIS BITCH- I understand tho.

SWEET MF TOOTH

Immediate brownie points if u smell good

If u cant game, that’s like telling a frat boy ur a virgin.

If you don’t LIKE to game tho, that’s like telling a frat boy u don’t wanna hook up

Censors the word k*ss I just know it.

He would be the one to tell u I l*ve you first but u would initiate the first k*ss

Secretly loves it when kuroo ships u two 😚😻

HELP THIS WAS SO LONG- anyways hope u enjoyed !!

General taglist: @babyshoyo

[fanfictiondreamscape]

S/O has ADHD

Request: Hi! May i request Death the kid with a s/o who has ADHD? Tbh i headcanon him to take meds for his ocd, so i think it would be really sweet if they helped each other out🥺 Sorry this kind of headcanons are a huge comfort to me👉🏻👈🏻

Title: S/O has ADHD (Death the Kid x Reader) 

Genre: fluffy! mega floof (seriously, not teeth-rotting, but very fluffy)

Pairing: Death the Kid x Reader

Notes: Hey! Thank you for the request again! 

I tried to do some typical things with this before writing it (research, anecdotal accounts from friends, etc.), so I hope that this is to your liking! I also hope that you can find comfort in this as I struggle with writing this like this even generally accurately (at least, that’s what I feel). Either way, please enjoy the headcanons! 

(Sidenote: more writing for supposedly dead fandoms? Totally down for it, this is the second request I’ve gotten for Soul Eater and honestly? I’m ecstatic. Seriously, thank you for requesting for Soul Eater.)

Below the cut! 

since dtk (essentially) canonically has ocd (though it is usually played off for comedic effect and is very over the top) i think he’d be able to grasp that his female s/o’s adhd is nothing to laugh at

which also means, if the two were dating, they’d both carry meds for the other

the alternative to that would be his s/o packing them when he and the twins weren’t looking, and dtk packing them when his s/o and their partner weren’t looking 

(it can go either way, weapon or meister.) 

that is only if the missions they take are away from Death City, though.

otherwise, the two would be each other’s fall back if they were to forget their meds or have a break in thinking 

so, when kid is going into an anxiety attack because something at his home isn’t symmetrical, his s/o would be beside him and rubbing his shoulder until they can pull him away to talk.

i imagine he wouldn’t date anyone unless he could trust them, so if he were to let you pull him away to calm down, that right there-

that’s a true sign of trust on his part. 

if he didn’t take his meds that day, too?

she’s on it, right in her bag! 

she’d be very much on top of his health and wellbeing

vice versa, though

he’d be immediately on guard and almost overly protective of her if she were to deal with any issues

no meds? everyone, stay away. let me get her medicine, and leave us be for a few minutes. 

panic attack? it’s okay, darling, you can cry on my shoulder. talk when and if you feel comfortable.

an injury? everyone, back away and have someone call an ambulance/the nurse. (depending on the situation of course.) 

and, since the likelihood that you two met in school while at the DWMA is very high, both of these scenarios can happen to the both of you.

on the other hand, these things are normal occurrences for the both of you alone.

since you two understand each other’s problems on a certain level, there would be a deep sense of relation on both your parts

with that being there, i can’t imagine that either of you would leave the other’s side in their times of need.

though, sometimes, these things can become overbearing in the relationship

that doesn’t mean that the feeling lasts forever.

you both are there whenever you two need each other

so, if you get extremely hyper on any occasion, dtk is there and prepared to calm you down.

if he gets very controlling and commandeering in terms of symmetry, you are there to stop his tyrant attitude and bring him down a few pegs

you forgot to refill your meds? well, he’s there to help you from your panic until you get the refill

he can’t find his meds? you always have some spares for him with you when he needs to take them.

just, overall?

the common ground the two of you have is a very stressful thing to deal with, but you two are just what you need to bring you both down from your struggles with the problems.

and this also leads to some very romantic gestures on both parts, though mostly from dtk

if you suffer from more scary episodes, he will not hesitate to treat you to a big and fancy dinner, nor will he hesitate to provide a big bouquet of red roses for you

just, generally a big fluffy and secure relationship.

and yes, while he isn’t the best with his emotions at the beginning of the relationship, he learns very quickly.

[transhoverfish]

I made this a long time ago and I thought it was worth showing

It's definitely not accurate because everyone imagines the characters differently - like Bart is no longer 19 y.o. boy, Ryley never shows any emotion in the game (except pain when attacked, but that's all) and Avery was most likely just annoyed that they had to look for the Aurora instead of continuing in the Sunbeam's travel.

They have almost no background/backstory so it kinda gives people the freedom to create their own stories to the characters (not just these three, but all the others from Subnautica and BZ)

(This was made in August, I think, and my own views on their personalities changed a bit)

But I always wonder about what others think they are like so some HC is welcomed with open arms.

SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS BUT BROO THIS IS SO GOOD... I NEED TO MAKE ONE MYSELF FOR THESE THREE TBH?? OK SO ANYWAYS HERES JUST A BUNCH OF NONSENSE THOUGHTS I HAVE:

-honestly ive never rlly thought of pet names they'd have? there's only a few i care for and i can't rlly imagine any of them calling another person like. baby or honey.

-on the OTHER HAND. nicknames is absolutely my favorite way to show affection. i like to think that marg CONSTANTLY using nicknames (like she never calls bart or paul or robin by their names ever??) rubbed off on bart so now he also uses nicknames way too much (do i actually write this in?? i don't remember. i make up new ideas constantly. pretend i did.)

-ryley probably also uses nicknames sometimes, but avery tends to just use first names. he's fancy like that. (but also sometimes u just gotta call ryley ry. thems the rules)

-anytime any arguments or anything like the Jeffrey Situtation comes up, the three of them have pretty different reactions. ryley is Big of Heart, Dumb of Ass, and forgives basically any treatment or misgivings almost instantly. very attached and rarely gets into arguments in the first place bc he is so easy to compromise with and also super open?

-bart is. the opposite. although he also doesn't usually get into arguments, this is not due to being open. it is because he bottles up Every Negative Feeling and refuses to bring things up (this is a paul trait, thanks for the terrible coping mechanisms paul) if you DO manage to get him upset enough (a man has been murdered in lego city, oh god my dad's still alive but he doesn't seem to like me after all) then he lets out a lot of festered bitterness and maybe has a panic attack. often tries to act tough or completely ok in scenarios, but then one tiny set back makes him break down. will try to physically fight someone for causing pain to someone he knows completely fine, and then starts crying for an hour because like, roman said something that MIGHT have been a little harsh if you really really read into it (im projecting 😳)

-and avery is somewhere the middle to rein those two back in from Forgiving the Actual Murderer and Pretending to Not Be Sad over Daddy Issues. the most willing to genuinely talk about something, but also doesn't stand for anything genuinely harmful to anyone. he's like that one john mulaney bit about his wife dealing with conflict for him.

-all three of them are also incredibly affectionate. like beyond affectionate. bart will talk/listen to ppl for HOURS without getting bored, ryley is super physically affectionate (cuddle him and he'll give his life for you), and avery adjusts depending on how the other person shows affection. like super well. he can instantly go from Ryley Cuddle Feast to just a nice friend to sit quietly 3 feet apart from and watch the sunrise. he's just a dad friend through n through.

-ryley would DEFINITELY be the one to confess first. he blurts out things constantly and is also incredibly open and honest anyways. bart is too afraid of admiting to emotions to say anything about anything unless heavily prompted. (he has lost a lot, ya know? he's terrified of losing even more.)

-SORRY TO END IT ON A SAD NOTE BUT TUMBLR WONT LET ME ZOOM IN ON THE PICTURE AND I HAVE A V POOR MEMORY...ENJOY MY RANDOM SCREAMING THO I HOPE??

[timeturner-jay]

DHFJSJFJDJD OMG YES

From this!!

[bugmomwrites]

Sugawara and a neurodivergent s/o

In case you didn’t know I got into Haikyuu!! And now I take requests for them. None of these are in any particular order. This was totally self indulgent, and doesn’t mention any one particular condition. Based off of personal experience so I’m sorry if it’s not entirely accurate to you!

99.9% fluff aside from very brief mentions here and there of panic attacks and feelings of inadequacy. Lots of projection here.

If you take medicine this boi is always keeping track and reminding you to take the next dose.

If you’ve run out and can’t get more for a bit he makes it a point to be more patient with you (not that he isn’t every day, he’s just extra careful on those days).

If he senses you becoming overstimulated he’ll give your hand a reassuring squeeze and offer to take a walk with you to clear your head.

He tries to humor you whenever you ask a bunch of weird questions. He might not have ALL the answers, but he isn’t one to shoot down your harmless curiosity either.

“Time travel already exists because of daylight savings time. I could commit a murder in the first window between 1am to 1:59 and as long as the deed is done quickly enough, it’ll be 1am a second time and I could make the perfect alibi.”

“That’s uh, that’s neat baby. I think it’s time for bed now.”

“AND ANOTHER THING-“

He doesn’t squelch your excitement, but if he senses you getting too crazy, he can calm you down gently.

On those bad days where you think something is wrong with you, he holds you and tells you all the things he loves about you, promising you that it’s okay to be a little different.

If you stim or fidget a lot, he might look into getting one of those fidget cubes or something to keep on him (for emergencies).

When he spends time with you he tries to join you in your hobbies at LEAST once a week because it’s so cute how you get excited about something you’re passionate about and if he can learn a new skill? There’s a bonus right there.

He offers to help you study and helps you come up with an organized system for notes and whatnot. He’s just- so sweet and so patient I-

Are your hyperfixations are some niche subjects? He’ll you to the museum and watch you get excited and ask questions and it’s the cutest thing ever.

Suga has a very calming presence and hella emotional intelligence, so when a panic/anxiety attack is coming on he senses it fairly early. He’s able to bring you back to earth and make you feel better.

He knows you might not be able to express yourself with traditional affection at times. That’s okay! He understands where you’re coming from and if anyone says you’re “emotionally constipated” Sugamama is ready to throw down.

You overhear one of the players asking him why you don’t seem as affectionate as him and they wonder out loud “aren’t you hurt when they do that?”. You swallow the lump in your throat as you wait for his response.

You know they probably didn’t mean to come across as rude- they just want the best for their friend and vice captain after all- you’re about to beat yourself up when he steps in and defends you.

He explains that sometimes, people’s brains are wired a little differently. That you were trying your best, and how far you’ve come. That you were just as worthy of love as anyone else, and once they all get to know you they’ll see you for you.

You’re still behind the wall, trying not to cry. They say “if Suga says they’re a good person, I trust his judgement.” Relief washes over you, and the weight on your shoulders lightens up a bit that day.

You warm up to the team a bit more, relieved that you don’t have to overthink your every move to appear “normal” in front of them. They’ve learned to not overwhelm you or bombard you with questions or the obligatory “I’ll hurt you if you break his heart”.

You come around, and learn that they’re all wonderful people! They’ve learned to love you as one of their own, and get excited when Suga says he’ll be bringing you with him that day. Suga is glad they all love you. You’re glad that you can be yourself around them. Everyone is happy.

Over time he learns to read you more and more, and it’s almost like you guys have formed some sort of nuanced language between the two of you. Want cuddles? He’s on it. Need some space? He’ll be right here when you’re ready.

Suga is your biggest cheerleader for life’s difficulties, and he’s willing to celebrate even the smallest little victories. You finally made that call to the new job you applied to after being anxious about talking on the phone? He’s right there beside you, smiling and maybe even mouthing words to you to help you along.

Your idiosyncrasies are some of his favorite things about you. Even the simplest little habits he finds quirky and charming.

As the relationship goes on you warm up to him more, and become better with emotions. The first time you say “I love you”, homeboy is almost crying. He loves you too!!!!!

Overall Suga would be such a sweet and patient boyfriend and support you wholeheartedly. We all need a Sugawara in our lives tbh.

[godsofhumanity]

GODHUNTER by AMY SUMIDA | REVIEW

okiee this was recommended to me by @inkleaves ^-^ uhmm so i have a LOT to say about this book. spoilers under cut.

OVERVIEW: “Godhunter” is the epithet given to a young woman named Vervain who uses witchcraft and magic to go around committing deicide in order to save humanity from gods who drain their energy to gain immortality and other godly attributes. However, when Vervain is recruited by the Norse god Thor, she finds herself in an alliance with the people she originally considered her enemies, as they work together to save the world from the maliciousness of the Aztec god, Huitzilopochtli.

RATING: 2/10. i’m giving it a low rating because it doesn’t really have too much to do with mythology, but i did like its general portrayal of most deities even though this book was insanely cringey and dumb.. now, even though under the cut, i’ve kinda bashed the book quite a bit, i still have to admit that i’d be lying if i said i didn’t have fun reading it. i stayed up to 1 AM trying to finish it because i had to find out what the protag’s next stupid decision would be,, all in all, if you like trash/cringe fiction- this is for you.

WARNING: even though this book is a YA novel, I’d say there’s a definite emphasis on the adult part of “young adult”... Certain scenes and themes are inappropriate for minors.

AVAILABLE ON: pdf link here ^-^ ((i think it downloads immediately if you click))

THINGS I LIKED:

the book is cringe.

great diversity in terms of the god cast. i learned about some new deities that i was previously unfamiliar with, so that was cool

Brahma (Hindu deity) wears a Gucci belt as part of his attire ^-^

whatever Estsanatlehi and Tsohanoai (Native American deities) had going on.... they were really cute and wholesome

THOR-HORUS BROTP AGENDA!!!!!!!! everyone who follows me already knows how keen i am about this idea of all the war deities hanging out together (fite club), and this novel served up exactly that. disappointing that Huitzilopochtli wasn’t a part of it, but i am settling for Thor and Horus’ several centuries old friendship.

Horus’ falcon tattoo detail.. i LOVE the idea of the gods having their sacred animals tattooed,, it’s so awesome!!!

Pan... i liked the way he still had his little horns, and he was kinda chaotic and fun.

in general, the descriptions of the gods were so pleasant and so cool.. i really liked the way that pretty much all the gods were beautiful,, this is very much in line with my own idea of how the gods look, and i think it makes sense, because they’re meant to be charismatic, compelling beings- beings that you worship, beings that you praise- why would they be anything but beautiful? and even if they were considered ugly by other gods, that’s only in comparison to other deities.. from a human perspective,, i just can’t see how any mortal could consider a god to be anything less than perfection,, idk

in particular- i really enjoyed the descriptions of Huitzilopochtli in his debut. i know he’s a piece of shit in the novel, but i LOVED the way he was described with his war-frenzy being triggered by blood, and the way, as god of the sun, his body almost glows, and heats up as though you’re looking into the sun itself, and the only way he can cool it down is by bathing in blood... WOWOWOWOW it’s just such a neat and fantastic visual description. his physical appearance really paid tribute to Huitzilopochtli’s original domain and attributes.

i also liked the linking between Huitzilopochtli being the Father of Vampires.. links between Aztec culture and vampirism is a trope that i didn’t originally suspect, but have become exposed to quite a bit as of late,, and i think that it’s quite a clever little plot. i liked that Huitzilopochtli also debunks superstitions about the sun, garlic, crosses, holy water etc.

Huitzilopochtli as the villain. the man makes a BRILLIANT villain- his motives are very clear and also, i thought, justified, albeit unoriginal. his presence is quite terrifying, and the reader does worry for Vervain’s safety whenever she’s with him- which is good! this means that he fills out his role as a villain well. tbh,, i did love Huitzilopochtli from the moment of his debut, but he got knocked out of my books during a certain temple scene and i have some thoughts about that in the next section.

when Vervain wakes up after the temple dream with Huitzilo, and she relaxes because it was just a dream, but then she looks into the mirror and sees bite marks on her neck!!! CHILLS! now THAT was good writing- it was unexpected, and served well to navigate into the next part of the plot.

Odin and Huitzilopochtli holding a ted talk on “how to create panic and discord among the humans”, and the gods having to bring certain meals depending on what the first letter of their names were.

Vervain’s pop-culture references, and her weaponry- especially the gloves that have blades in them that get released when she swings her hand downwards. very cool, i want them.

casual appearances from Vladimir Putin (yes, i said Vladimir Putin)... i couldn’t stop laughing when i read that Huitzilo was trying to kill Putin’s daughter to instigate a war...... asdhshajdhasdjfhjdhf insane

also i know Vervain was trying to mock Huitzilo when she nicknamed him “Blue”,, but like.. that’s a really cute name and it wasn’t even insulting.. yeah, that one backfired on you Vervain... if anything, that just made it seem like she actually had affections for him and i feel like probably in part is the reason why he felt encouraged to pursue her.

THINGS I DIDN’T LIKE/THINGS THAT DIDN’T MAKE SENSE AND/OR CONFUSED ME:

the book is cringe.

it reads like a 15 year old’s fantasy AU where she’s a humble young woman, unextraordinary- yet somehow, she is the muse of every man’s desire. handsome, ripped gods who never wear clothes are laying themselves down at her feet,, and she is just overwhelmed by the choices before her; and all the while, she has to balance a complicated love life with her duty to save the world (since she’s the only one who can).

Vervain as a protagonist. idk how old she’s meant to be, but since the book is in first-person, and the reader is exposed to her innermost thoughts,, i’ve gotta say- she’s incredibly immature. as a protagonist, i just feel like she’s rude, pretentious, snobby.. she has no idea what “respect” even means. in every scene, she’s either fighting someone, or lusting after them (when Teharon told her off for having lascivious thoughts about him, and she simply responded with “well stop being so sexy then” i wanted to die.... WHAT is wrong with her)

i hate the way she looks down on the gods- even if you didn’t worship them, or even believed in their existence, surely you wouldn’t have the gall to lecture Hades and Persephone on how to be a good couple (especially when your advice is shit). surely you wouldn’t have the gall to say to Thor what Vervain says to him on pg 227, 4th line from the bottom, that i will not repeat here. Vervain is just too self-absorbed. i don’t hate her, but i definitely think her character is a bit,,, iffy.

relating to Vervain as the protagonist- everything just seems to happen to her.. and i know that she’s the protag, and things are meant to happen to her, but it all happens to her one after the other in succession, no breaks. it’s so easy for her... oh? Huitzilopochtli is going to kill Putin’s daughter? no worries, Vervain can read Huitzilopochtli’s thoughts! oh? the gods have never been able to transform more than half their body into their animal form? no worries, Vervain is so powerful she can force a god to change against their will! oh? Vervain is being attacked by blood-thirsty wolves? no worries, she saved the life of one werewolf and now he’s indebted to her and will literally kill himself in order to protect her! everything is easy, and nothing is a problem.

the way every male deity ever sees Vervain once and immediately wants to take her to bed. why was that a necessary aspect of her character? and also, why are the gods portrayed as such lustful beings?? it really wasn’t necessary.

Horus throwing a fit about how December 25 is his birthday and that it was stolen from him by Jesus... to quote:

“No big deal?” Horus puffed up. “I was called the Lamb of God. I had twelve apostles, and my myths spoke of my crucifixion and consequent resurrection in three days. His stories were my stories first!”

it’s fine that Horus is angry about his birthday which was i think, historically celebrated around this date- but the rest of it isn’t even true???? Horus didn’t have 12 apostles, i’m pretty sure he was also not called “Lamb of God”, and he wasn’t crucified!!! aghhhh even Thor says “It’s been so long that even you don’t remember things accurately.”

anyways.. my beef with this is the way it’s phrased so as to imply that “oh christianity just stole everything from the pagans” when this is so incredibly false and sounds like something an ill-informed person would say. you can read more about christianity, paganism and christmas here

kinda related to the previous point- the jokes about Jesus’ skin colour. i quote:

“... when Christ first became a god, he looked Jewish because those were the people he chose to align himself with. However, the Jews didn’t want him, and when Christianity spread, the white people wanted Jesus to look more like them. With the change in belief, Christ’s appearance changed. ... We used to tease him about how he looked whiter every time we saw him... Kind of like Michael Jackson...”

what the FUCK??????? seems like Sumida doesn’t understand that various ethnic groups illustrate Jesus as appearing as the local people do. Yes, obviously in a Western country, Jesus is going to look European, he’s going to look white. If you go to Japan, you will see Jesus and the rest of the gang looking pretty fucking Japanese. the point of this is NOT to erase Jesus’ Jewish ethnicity, and it is certainly not because of something like “the Jews didn’t want him”- it is because it is a way for followers to better relate to the Divine. including Christ in this story isn’t the problem- i’ve seen others do it very well. the problem is how uneducated her writing comes across.

all the gods have human jobs so that they can earn money and stuff,, which is fine- Thor, for example, owns a line of boats, which makes sense. but Pan? his job is making p*rn. now even though it’s true that everyone associates Pan with sexuality and stuff,,, this isn’t his primary role, and making Pan out to be just a playboy who has his mind in the gutter 24/7 i think is a bit of a mockery. Pan is, first and foremost, a god of the Wild. why Sumida elected to make him a p*rn manufacturer and not a wildlife conservationist is beyond me... i’m not even pagan, and i thought this creative decision was distasteful and stupid, especially because his character is actually quite light-hearted and cool.

the temple scene with Huitzilopochtli and Vervain. as i said previously, i really really liked Huitzilo’s character. he made an excellent villain. but this part?? i understand why it was done, but i HATED that it had to happen... not just because it was horrible for Vervain, but Huitzilo seemed so powerful and godly right up to that point- after which he seemed pretty pathetic- going back after Vervain after she’s rejected him countless times. she is JUST a mortal!!! c’mon Huitzilo, give it up!!! you are degrading yourself at the expense of achieving one mortal’s “love”.. the fact that he had to hypnotise her to get what he wanted AND had to achieve it through her dreams (when’s she can’t protect herself) was sooooo pathetic and disgraceful.. IMO, he committed the worst sin any person could ever commit and i just... AGHHHHHHHHH SMH WHY?!

speaking of morons- Thor. Thor just comes across to me as extremely possessive, and over-protective,, and idk how Vervain was NOT creeped out by the fact that Thor had literally been stalking her for two years before she even met him. wtf? god or not- that’s creepy. actually, i think it’s creepier because he is a god. 

Sif. i am still waiting for good media representation of thunder god Thor and his beautiful golden-haired wife Sif- i want them to be HAPPY, and i want them to be in love the way they should be! 

Persephone. i like the idea of Persephone being sweet-tempered, and kind- but in this book, she’s such a wimp??????? she totally just lets Vervain be rude to her, a goddess who’s name means “Bringer of Destruction”. also- her relationship with Hades seems toxic.. i mean,, he like tracks her? she starts stuttering when she talks to him, and gets nervous when people so much as mention his name. not to mention the fact that Persephone says that when she does go back to him, all he demands from her is a certain horizontal dance so much so that she is “sore” (<- quoting from the book here) every time she returns??????? WHAT IS HAPPENING?????????? and no one even questions it. Vervain doesn’t even question it! instead she suggests that Persephone MOVES IN with Hades permanently???? and that Hades should just start verbally saying how much he loves Persephone instead of “showing” her how much he “loves” her.....??? there are SO many issues with this.. i can’t even- *screams*

the Aphrodite-is-madly-in-love-with-Huitzilopochtli side plot. it could have been really good, but then it ends so abruptly,,, i mean.. why’d Aphrodite get done so dirty like that? Also summary of Hephaestus’ first and final scenes:

Hephaestus, entering the room: Right, what’s all this then? Vervain: Your wife is cheating on you (again) Hephaestus: Aight, i’m out *leaves and never comes back for the rest of the book*

what the HECK was the ending with Trevor?? i hate Vervain so much i can’t... okay first of all- WHY did Trevor decide to have a wolf-marriage with Vervain?? he kept on going on about how she’s so beautiful, and kind, and caring... NO SHE ISN’T TREVOR!!! i’m so mad that he would pledge himself for all eternity to this girl who doesn’t even like him in that way!!! you played yourself son

also- Thor accepts the fact that Trevor is going to have to be close by to Vervain because the terms of the marriage state that Trevor will literally die without her touch, which is VERY GENEROUS of Thor... but Vervain?? ooooh i HATE her.. she has the audacity to look at Trevor with her lecherous eyes thinking about lustful things IN THOR’S OWN BED!!!!! and then she thinks to herself “oh whoops i shouldn’t be thinking that”- yeah you’re darn right you shouldn’t be thinking that!!!! whatttt is wrong with her............. 

also- where tf did Huitzilo go??? he just gave up on trying to instigate a war and vanished?? the plot was so unresolved?????? AGH!

[icharchivist]

Thank you for answering the previous asks and hope you're prepared!

How much, out of ten, are you of each winter troupe member?

Have a good day :3c

ahah thank you for doing that all the way!

and oh boy i thought i was prepared but turns out-

okay notewise.:

Tsumugi: 7/10, Tasuku: 3/10, Homare: 4/10 Hisoka: 9.5/10, Azuma: 10/10, Guy: 6/10

(if you're supprised Azuma is actually my ultimate kin and it's not Hisoka: congratz i fooled all of u. the only reason i don't have an Azuma icon is that i genuinely think he looks too sexy in some arts and it doesn't feel Me despite everything else. The more u know.)

And. i need to warn that i went much more into personal details for Hisoka and Azuma under the cut to the point where it may be overwhelming. And that Azuma's entry alone is 2.1k words long. What the fuck me.

Relating to team "we have so much trauma" is going to be so much fun.

coughs, anyway take care :3c

(Links: Spring, Summer, Autumn , Winter ranking)

Winter my beloved, this is going to be a normal, non emotional ranking at all.

Tsumugi: 7/10 I relate to his lack of confidence, and the way he gave up on everything he loved when his spirit was crushed (re what I was talking about with my Kumon rant). On my down time I did study a bit of psychology and though I wouldn’t put myself at the same level as a psy student I’m often told I read people mostly in an accurate way so I can relate to that. I can use my powers for Evil like nudging people in some direction or knowing where to attack, but I am super aware of that and I’ve been extra conscious about not having it happen again for over ten years now DLKFJDLF (Azuma is kinda like that too). But yeah the fact he is like that too makes it relatable.

I also think that the whole “feeling you fucked up and took all the responsibility when a friendship broke apart” is also something very relatable. So is “ghosting your friends after that”. I relate to the fact he’s a nerd too. I relate to him more than not but I guess I just removed points because of how while I relate to specificities the whole thing doesn’t connect as much as it could?

Tasuku: 3/10 he’s probably the one I relate the least to. I honestly didn’t understand Tasuku much until Nocturnality on my first read, and it’s only then that things clicked. Legit I saw him the way Azuma saw him dLKFJDKFJDF. But I do feel it relatable that he feels responsible for failing his friend and that he took it upon himself to try to read more into how people are behaving to try to prevent it from happening again. But else he’s. genuinely not like me KDJFKLDFJDFL

Homare: 4/10 mhmm. I think I relate to the way he is passionate and how much he genuinely loves. I also relate to the fact he is pretty analytic, though the details of what makes his struggles are not something I relate to easily. I have felt broken before, I was told i was broken or unfit in some ways, so this particular pain is something I completely understand. I also did use to be an artist and a writer so I can relate to that passion of his, although as I mentioned in others ranking *shrugs*. That said he’s very much more exuberant and confident than I am and I would assume I know how to deal with people emotionally a bit more.

Hisoka: 9.5/10 oh boy where to start. This is going to be a tough one to get into without getting extremely personal. To start with, I’m a sleepy baby. I sleep a lot DLKJFDF though not much at night. I used to fall asleep in class all the time my friends had to always be on the watch out for me. I don’t have much energies. I love plushy and I love being comfortable in some places. I also really love sweets tho not as much as him. I also do care ways too much for my specific plushies and pillows (I do have huge penguins plushies too).

I, too, have memories issues, though of course to a lesser extend. I have a lot of trauma and for a lot of them I ended up getting fuzzy memories. I used to be in a pretty toxic environment where I constantly had to make use of my memory to survive, and so when my memory started failing me, I was terrified. My parents gaslight me all the time and pretends a lot of things that happened didn’t happen and that I’m crazy for believing it happened, so the moment my memory started to fail me I started to panic a lot. It terrified me to not being completely sure whenever I could trust myself or not. It made me feel extremely unreliable. It’s still something I struggle with a lot.

This would have been my answer pre-awakening moon at least. I always related to him to some degree so Awakening moon was a slap in the face in a way I wasn’t ready to deal with, and this is where I have to be uncomfortably personal.

I am the youngest sibling of 3. My eldest sister ran away from home when I was 6, never to be seen again. My other sister resented me because I used to be very close to the eldest and she was jealous about it, and while the reasons were linked to our parents, who were extremely toxic to us and kept us into this toxic environment for years on end, my sister took all her anger out on me. While we’ve discussed it as adults now, our relationships is too strained to fix it nowadays.

It took me a long while – it took me Azuma’s arc actually – to realize that the way I feel for my eldest sister is more akin to grief than to abandon. I don’t even remember her. I don’t remember her and still apparently the way I was close to her was the reason my sibling hold it against me. I couldn’t even remember *why* my sister was mad at me because I don’t even remember being close to my sister that much. All I know is that she left because the situation at home was too toxic. It was.. so messy.

I have. Much more trauma linked to that specifically but that’s the root of something that hit me in the face with Hisoka’s arc. Because I can’t remember a person that disappeared from my life, and yet it was enough for it to break and shape everything I’ve lived through since. I couldn’t even start to talk about how it still impacts me now 20 years later. I’m just now making peace with the fact this was grief. This is the gist of the reason Hisoka’s arc hit me as hard as it did (and the fact that Chikage is actively undoing all the bad things his own grief pushed him to do on Hisoka is the reason Chikage is so compelling to me. My sister could never lol.).

I felt also that I had to take all the responsibilities for what happened. I felt like I could make things easier for the family after this trauma, at the rip age of 7, and no one stopped to think maybe a child shouldn’t have to be dealing with a collective family trauma like this. But well. Here we are.

I relate to the fact Hisoka also struggles to accept everything that happened. And that now he’s trying to make things better for others people he can relate to. It’s so… complicated.

Also I can’t forget the fact Hisoka tried to kill himself and :/ as someone who has had a lot of suicidal idealization in my life this really hit a lot harder than it should have.

In general I would just say that socially I’m not really like him except with people I’m comfortable with teasing. Hisoka can be a little too rude and it’s where I can’t relate lol. But otherwise man I care him so much I feel so seen. I’m just removing 0.5 points for that and I don’t give him full mark because of what I’ll explain next.

Azuma: 10/10 This one is going to be a trip. It’s about twice the length of the Hisoka’s rant. Mister took me by the throat too. As I think it’s clear now I cannot relate to the fact he genuinely loved his family and how much his family cared for him. Yet I relate… to about everything else.

On the surface I do think I seem more approachable and easy to talk with. I try to be the kindest person I can be, to not be judgmental. I’m conflict avoidant, just like he can be, and if I’m annoyed with someone I’m muuuuch more likely to use passive aggressiveness like he does with Tasuku when he’s pissed at him. (sidenote: I do find it funny that Tasuku was the only character I really felt I didn’t get until Nocturnality, while Azuma was having the exact same problem, and then he became one of my fav the moment it clicked. Azuma is my braincell.)

More often than not, there’s a smile on my face and I try to be soft in the way I can be. I’m generally pretty calm, I’ve been told I was soothing, or give good hugs, this sort of stuff.

Now onto the heavy stuff.

I have a lot of nightmares and night terrors linked to a lot of my traumas. I’m honestly scared sometimes to go to sleep ^^”. But in general, if Hisoka reflects a lot of a personal trauma and how it would personally affect me, Azuma reflects a lot on how I would behave with others people in general and especially when I’m unwell. I’ve coped most of my life with, everything that happened to me, by just. Trying to keep people at armlength. I don’t want to let people close to me, especially irl. Discussing all of that online gives me a distance that allows me to discuss it but, I remember in high school I was going through very bad things, and a few years later I was hanging out with a friend and I happened to open up about those things. And she was going livid because, she had known me for what, 6 years at that point? And she never knew any of this. We talked a lot then, we were close, but she never knew all those things about me until years later. It kinda scared her because to her I was always a sweet and cheerful person and she never expected that I was doing this badly. I remember then she brought up something we discussed back in a party with many of our others friends from high school and similarly they were all. “how did we never know any of this.”. Seeing Azuma in Nocturnality kinda brought me back to that convo tbh LKDJFLKDFJFD.

But I’m good at pretending I’m closer to people than they think. I’m an excellent listener. A lot of my friends tended to rely on me as the person they could talk about their problems to. I used to do it much more back then but I also used to pour a lot of energy trying to make it easier for people, solving their problems. Full on Therapist Friend:tm:. It does help that, as I said with Tsumu, I have basis in psychology so sometimes some observations I can make help much more than expected. Just like Azu tbh lol.

Oh also I am cuddly with my friends in general. I’m super touch starved but also to the point I feel uncomfortable to seek hugs because I just don’t get any on a normal basis and my body isn’t used, but I’m super cuddly and when I’m with my closest friends I’m like a koala.

And it gives people the impression to people that I’m very close to them because I know them well, and I know the ins and outs of why they behave the way they do. But. I kinda feel like it’s one sided more than not. And it’s all because of me, because I keep my walls up very high and it means people don’t generally expect that I’m hiding things.

I’m good at distracting too. I don’t relate to how flirty Azuma is but I keep seeing it as him distracting others. It’s flattering, and just embarrassing enough that the person ends up dropping whatever they may be pressing on Azuma to talk about. And, while not with flirting, I do that a lot, especially using compliments like that. (That said my kindness or teasing has been misinterpreted as flirting before DLKFJDLKF I’m trying to be extra conscious about not having that misunderstanding happen nowadays but man it happened a lot).

Azuma knows a lot of people, and has been supporting a lot of people, but he doesn’t let people in as much.

And a lot of it is linked to his own sense of grief. Of the fact he has lost so much he can’t afford to go through the pain of losing something again, so he distances himself from it before it can hurt. And I do that a lot.

I mentioned in the previous rant but it’s seeing Azuma’s arc that made me understand how much it’s more grief than abandon that makes it so hard for me to move on. And a part of me kinda just. Grieves the family I could never have, the normal life I wish I could have lived and clang too all of my life. When Azuma told Guy “I was always so lonely. Everyone had families they could take for granted but I had no one.” Oh my god it destroyed me. And how he mentions just afterward that while he has new people to rely on, it couldn’t change the fact he was still feeling this pain of losing his family and it just. Man. Might be crying right now.

It’s like… I think the reason I especially related to that is that, in therapy I’ve often discussed my problems in the lenses of neglect and abandon but the problem with that lenses is that, at least with the therapists I had, they tend to focus on the fact that therefore I /must/ be still yearning for them to change and turn around, like I could change something. But I don’t. I was resigned at some point. And it’s really only when I read that that I felt this exact resignation I have been feeling all that time. I think I mentioned once how reading a3 felt like going one step toward recovery I didn’t know I could get and this was exactly the scene I meant. It legit took a weight off my heart that i've been carrying for decades. It was the strangest feeling in the world.

Anyway more in general too, on top of keeping people at distance, I am also a pro at “suddenly disappearing/ghosting when I get too close and/or have a relapse”. When Azuma starts to pull his relapses like we see in Nocturnality, I see myself. Legit had a friend who read a3 who called me out about that DLKJFDKLFJ. Acting weird like this, closing yourself in like this, coming back to some harmful coping mechanism as a way to connect back with your own self, those are all things I do. And it sucks. Like. The things I put my friends though sucks. But I really can’t help it sometimes.

I’m good at listening and observing, I’m generally good at picking up why people act a certain way, but I’m still very distant. I do everything I can to pretend I’m not distant and generally it fakes an idea of intimacy that I don’t specifically see as such.

And I see all of that in Azuma in ways that are terrifyingly relatable. Another thing Azuma says in this convo with Guy, about how “Everytime I would go to sleep, I would wish the morning would never come” me. Mood. Holy shit. Feel seen. I hate it. Just in general though the way he talks about morning as this terrifying thing is me. Between the night terrors and the fact morning genuinely makes me feel horrible, that’s kinda why I end up oversleeping until the afternoon DLKFJDF Azuma my lord I feel you.

Because of my nightly panic attacks I do try to come up with ways around it mainly by drinking some relaxing tisanes and stuff. Oh and I did have a huge period in life where I HATED being in the sun, and I fucked over all of my melanin because of that. as a kid I would tan very easily, but now the sun hates me as much as I used to hate it. So when Azuma is a drama queen about not wanting to stay in the UV too much I’m just like. How dare you pull out a mirror on me I didn’t ask for this. (also I have been called a vampire by people esp when I was a teen but that’s just how people called edgelords like me. Still. Reo my beloved.)

There is honestly so many little things with Azuma that reminds me of myself like this that it makes me go nuts. If Hisoka is who I relate to in term of specific trauma and how I cope personally, Azuma is more like, the direct physical impact of my trauma on me and the way it makes me relate to others people, as well as just every little behaviors here and there that are just so specific.

One of the only thing I really don’t relate to Azuma about is his love for Alcohol but I think if you replace it with like, my addiction to juice it works out the same.

Oh and, that’s a stupid but funny thing to me, I project hard on how much the reason he keeps his hair long is a form of mental stability for him, because I legit keep my hair long for my own mental stability. I have tied ways too much of my recovery process to my hair that when I see Azuma coping with grief with his hairstyle and how almost cutting it would be him spiraling down, I felt seen.

also i have 0 stamina just like him.

ANOTHER THING is also the fact Azuma is genuinely yearning for connections with people but he spent so much of his life keeping people away that as much as he’s yearning for it, it takes him so long to be able to lower those walls because he’s been so used to keep people away that he can’t reply to this yearning. And the way how, once he actually ends up feeling this bit of vulnerability toward people, he would suddenly shut in like it suddenly scares him? Mood.

One last thing (i promise) (i think) is that, if it wasn't obvious from all my ranting.... So much of myself and the way i view myself is defined by my trauma. I struggle to exactly come to term with my identity in any shape or form that isn't deeply related to my trauma. Even if you asked me what my sexuality is (please don't), my actual answer would be completely shaped by the fact i have so much trauma linked to sexuality, romance and gender, that i don't want to process it at all and can't actually manage to "fit the boxes" because i cannot see myself as something else than my trauma, or explain my feelings without linking it to my trauma. Honestly at times i find it kinda cringeworthy from me because i really, really can't tell about anything about my identity without thinking of my various traumas (i talked about a few of them in those rankings but it's not even the tip of the iceberg for a lot of stuff.) And when i see the way Azuma is in particular, maybe i'm projecting, but i feel like a lot of it is the same. Like not processing his age because if he does it reminds him of how he outlived those he loved (which is an headcanon but com'on.) or how even his hair is linked to his trauma. Or how he doesn't drive because it's linked to his trauma. I feel SO seen.

If it wasn’t for the fact he genuinely loved and was loved by his family, I would have felt exactly the same about everything regarding him.

But I still give him a full mark because the way Azuma’s arc has affected me is beyond any possible words I could use. And also because I legit wrote above 2100 words just on how much I related to Azuma ALONE. Even Hisoka took me 800 WORDS. HELLO. Guy: 6/10 Back to general coping here, Guy isn’t exactly relatable to me except in well. For exemple the ways the others relate to him, especially Hisoka and Azuma. So his memory loss to cope with intense family trauma is relatable to me, the way he can have nightmares and night terrors is also hella relatable to me.

But something that’s more Guy that I relate to is the whole “Step dad kept talking down on him and verbally abusing him until Guy basically completely closed himself in” because man. I won’t elaborate but I’ve really felt from reading that verbal abuse the same way I felt thinking back to how my ex-step dad used to talk to me. It made me so angry on his behalf. And the way he internalized it to cope was something deeply relatable.

Another thing with Guy is the fact that Guy did genuinely believes himself inhuman and tbh there was a time when I was very young where I would catch myself unable to feel a bit of humanity mostly from how I kept shutting myself in. (The reason I don’t relate to it with Homare is that this “inhumanity” was never actually there even if Homare did believe in it. But for Guy he went the extra mile convincing himself to the point where he denied this humanity as far as possible in a self destructive way and :/).

SO YEAH Winter is like. Therapy for me. The problem with “Trauma: The Troupe” is that saying “I relate to the Winter troupe” means “I may have problems and so what.” And it sucks.

if you read that wordvomit, congratulation, was it worth it?

Take care!