#I had to rewatch this episode a second time to be sure my post was still right but it was still as good as the first time

[miss0atae]

Random thoughts about SOTUS episode 5:

In this episode we’re seeing the end of the freshy day contests with the Star Contest. Kong must shows Arthit that he will win all contests so he can be accepted by him and get his reward.

▪️ This episode was really centered around the Star Contest, apart from the last part. It's the second BL I watched where they focus some parts of the story on these type of contests. The last one I watched was Star and Sky: Star in My Mind. They also had, in the beginning, a contest that looked very much like the Star Contest in SOTUS. I think that's the only connection I can find between the two series. As for the hazings, I wonder if this type of contest is also very popular in Thai universities. It seems to be a huge deal in SOTUS and of course Kong must win. He already won the sport event, now it's more about winning the popular vote from the students or winning the vote of the jury who asks you questions. The Star Contest can be compared to a beauty pageant where two people from each faculty compete to be elected. They are judged on their physical appearance when they get the student's vote, but also on inner beauty, with criteria covering judging of personality, intelligence, talent, character through private interviews with judges and answers to public on-stage questions. In SOTUS, it's not only a beauty pageant but also a talent show because you also have to present an artistic performance.

▪️ Kong and Prae are the two contestants from the engineering faculty. In this episode, I felt like Prae was the woman version of Kong. They both have this vibe of girl/boy next doors who are empathetic and academy-gifted. When they appeared on the stage they were both styled with a classic yet cute outfits. Other contestants had bolder outfits, but it wouldn't have suited the personality of Kong and Prae. So the Star Contest started with the talent performance and the two future engineers chose to play guitar and to sing. Let's give a round of applause for the first appearance of a guitar in this series. A BL can't be right if you can't have at least a scene with a guitar. I know it became this running gag among BL viewers and many are annoyed by it, but I've come to appreciate having them. I don't mind them at all because I read once a good explanation about why we get these guitar scenes in Thai BL series. I can't remember where I read it, but it's definitely on Tumblr (I wished I reblogged it instead of liking the post because it would be easier to find it). Anyway, Kong and Prae decided to sing three songs to make the audience reflect on three different stage of their life: childhood where you get good time with your friends, puppy love and secret crush when you get older. If it's not giving you info about the main plots of the story I don't know how the series can be louder. I'm glad Kong and May had the chance to explain their choice because it wasn't really obvious to the audience when you just listen to them singing.

▪️ Then the Star Contest, turned to the interview with the judges. We don't get to hear the other contestants' questions and answers. We can only listen to Kong's part and of course he ended up having to answer to a question related to his views on the SOTUS system. It's a tough question, but Kong is the main lead and he is blessed with many qualities so he found the right way to answer it. I can't stop saying it again and again, but I love this character. He is nice but also very smart. He is the whole package. No wonder, Arthit always feels something when they are in the same room. He can't be indifferent, but we'll talk about that later. Of course, Kong won the popular vote prize. He also became the University's Moon too along side his classmate Prae who was crowned the Freshy girl of their year, the University's star. Another big win for the engineering faculty. No wonder they are insufferable, if they are usually winning all contests. All is in favor of Kong because he has the opportunity of winning his best prize: Arthit's acceptance but also a favor to ask. Kong was happier to have this, than all his other victories from the freshy day contests. The contests where a way of making Kong shines bright to his classmates, seniors but also most importantly to Arthit.

▪️ The last part of the series made it end on a bitter note because we are back to the hazings and the misunderstandings between seniors and freshmen. I've already said a lot what I think about the hazings, but I will view them as a plot device to make the story goes further. Of course, the freshmen's resentment must be high especially after they did their best during the freshy day contests. Suddenly, the fourth years came in with Deer as their leader. He said he came because he heard of complains from the freshmen and he is not happy with the way the third years are dealing with the hazings. We first saw Deer in the second episode and I didn't have a good feelings from him, so this part of the story didn't help change my mind. I appreciate he gives credits to the freshmen's views of the hazings, but the public humiliation of the third years isn't something I liked. It's not good and it's pointless. So if the seniors can do the same punishments they gave to the freshmen their actions would be okay or more understandable?! I don't get his point. I think Deer believes it will show he is fair and if the third years succeeded in accomplishing all the punishments it's not as bad as the freshmen think it is. I felt like Kong when he heard this idiocy. What is Deer trying to prove? I don't want to see the seniors doing these punishments. Even if they can make it, I don't really like the idea of suffering together is making us closer. I prefer working together can make us closer and stronger, but I guess engineering students in SOTUS think differently.

▪️ What I really like in this episode, is again related to Arthit and Kong relationship's development. Arthit insisted to attend the Star Contest which surprised his friends because he wasn't really known to be interested in it. They misunderstand the reasons why he wants to be there and I'm not even sure we can trust his explanations. I think he is drawn to Kong without even realizing it. When Kong appeared on the stage he gazed at him, the same way May was doing it and we know May has a crush on Kong. He pretended Kong's choice of performance wasn't good, but he felt something when he heard the explanations. Kong's answers on his views of the SOTUS system impressed him and he now knows Kong understand what he is trying to do with the seniors even if he doesn't accept all of what they are doing it. That's why he chose to vote for Kong. Most of Arthit's responses to Kong's actions are not conscious. He always ends up flustered by him. On the other hand, I think Kong is more conscious of his attraction to Arthit. He may not call it love yet, but he is so smitten when it comes to Arthit. He cares a lot about him. You can see his face changes and lights up when he sees Arthit in the room (only in scenes where they are together without anyone else). When Arthit was scolded by Deer in the last part of the episode, he became worried. He doesn't want Arthit to be scolded or punished.

▪️ Just wanna add that this scene was so cute and melted my heart:

▪️ Another good thing in this episode is the friendship part.

I really like when a BL series gives also a large part of the story to show the beauty of friendship and how platonic love can be so much important in life. I think a series is better when they don't focus entirely on romantic love, but when they show all the different type of love you can get. In this episode, Arthit had a conversation with Knot. We know the senior group is a close group of friends, but I believe Arthit and Knot are closer to one another. Knot is the supporting friend archetype in the story. He helps Arthit through the conflicts that they are dealing with, while often offering a moral support. This time, he helped Arthit keep his spot as the leader of the hazings by talking to the teachers. When Arthit came to thank him, he just reminded him they are friends and they will stick together. I'm currently watching We Are and I feel like Q and Peem's friendship remind me a lot of Knot and Arthit's friendship.

Now what’s going to happen in the next episode?

[eriexplosion]

Yesterday everyone was posting their feelings on TBB. I'm glad I waited, because there's a lot swirling around. Cut for negativity again.

I was introduced to The Bad Batch in August 2022 and fell instantly in love. The characters, the story, the complex family dynamics, they all spoke to me. I wasn't even a Star Wars fan but I went through and devoured The Clone Wars, Rebels, The Mandalorian, all of it. I threw myself into this world and adored every second of it. I must have rewatched season one over five times before season two even came out.

When season two premiered I loved it. Every Tuesday night I stayed up until the episode drop and devoured it immediately. I looked ahead at the schedule and took days off work for the double episodes, for the big Crosshair episodes - he was my favorite early on and season two only made that grow. But season two also really brought Tech into my radar even more. I had always liked him, but here he was shining. The Crossing really solidified it, as an autistic person. I'd never heard someone describe the difference in processing so succinctly before, so clearly, and it spoke to me like very little had. Here was a character that was like me. Here was a character that I needed when I was an undiagnosed child, someone that would have made me feel like I had at least some way of describing my differences.

Then, well. He died. It was an affecting scene, but it felt out of nowhere, it felt unfinished. Tech didn't even get the climax of the episode. He just fell into the clouds, the Batch grieved for a few minutes, and then the plot steamrolled right along.

I didn't believe it, not after the mad scientist presented his goggles and claimed not to salvage anything else. It seemed like such an obvious fake out. The longer I sat with it the less satisfying it felt. It felt so brushed over, so pointless, all for a mission that they accomplished nothing on. Then came the social media circus. Again and again his fall was shoved in our faces on Twitter, demanding we stream it. TikToks were made that were so out of touch they felt like parodies, the wound ripped open again and again, and I thought surely there had to be a purpose to it.

So I waited for season 3 as interviews were done that seemed to almost intentionally avoid calling him dead. As tweets were made promising we'd be so fulfilled if we could only see who was onscreen in the mid-season! (A tweet that immediately garnered dozens of people hoping it referred to Tech, all without a single comment to try and quell the speculation.) It felt already like we were being toyed with, but I thought it had to be for a reason or a purpose. More weirdly vague discussions went up about his Sacrifice, his Fall, his Anything But Death, even as everyone insists that it was so meaningful, the way he died on a mission that accomplished nothing. Jokes were made around Valentines Day.

He Fell For You, get it?

The first official use of killed went up on the databank right after the trailer, on Hunter's page of all places. The first time the interviews used dead was the Friday before the premier. It all felt too late, theories had already grown for months by that point.

Season 3 finally came and I waited up for every episode drop just like I did for season 2, hoping for him to come back or at least for him to be properly grieved, since we had barely a couple of minutes in Plan 99 before it was swept away for the next plot point. Surely Tech's impact deserved an episode of focus, if he were really gone.

The previously on plays his last words twice. But then we skip months into the future. We don't see Crosshair find out the news - even though Tech died on a mission to retrieve him. We don't watch Omega grieve. She barely seems to notice she's missing a brother. We got a brief allusion in episode two. It took three episodes to even mention his name in passing. Five episodes in everyone got their chance to look sad about him, but only for a few seconds and only when his skills were relevant. Compared to the gorgeous callback to Mayday in the same episode, it felt shallow. He had to have been more important than this didn't he?

Episodes 6 & 7 felt like maybe there was a reason. We see a new masked assassin that gets extra focus, who got put through a series of Tech-adjacent situations, whose beef with Crosshair was just a little too personal, who survived longer than all the rest but stayed masked. Rex talks about losing brothers, but Hunter says nothing about the brother they lost. I hoped it all meant something, that this was the reason that he felt so much like he was thrown away, so that he could come back in.

More one off mentions that only really come up when it's about how useful Tech would have been. More poking at the wound that still felt open and raw because we'd never gotten any closure. The closest we get is a single scene in episode eleven, so late in the season and so brief that I thought that couldn't possibly be it.

CX-2 comes back, and he talks like Tech. He's still not unmasked. I really need him to be something because otherwise what was it all for?

The most emotion comes in Juggernaut, from Phee. Its a highlight because it actually feels like it was about him, like he mattered as a person. It's episode twelve and we finally talk about him like a person. We never saw her get the news either.

Episodes thirteen and fourteen pass without any mentions at all. We're running out of time. Episode 15 hits and we get one raw one from Crosshair that Clone Force 99 died with Tech. It's the first time they directly say he's dead in so many words. It's the season finale. CX-2 is a nobody it turns out, and he dies faceless. Everyone gets a happy ending and after over a year of wondering if we'd ever get closure, it turns out Tech's just dead. But look how happy everyone else is!

Everyone gets to grow old. Except the autistic one of course. He's just dead and it hardly feels like it mattered at all. Did you know Wrecker and Hunter don't use his name once in season three? Omega and Echo mention him once each. Crosshair twice, only once with any emotion behind it. Phee tops the charts at three mentions, two by name and one by nickname. We see his goggles four times. I kept count.

There was never a bigger plan, this was just all he was worth. We spent two seasons on Crosshair's absence. We spent a whole episode dealing with it when Echo decided to go with Rex. Tech dies though and all his life amounted to was a handful of mentions when his skills would have been useful, some shots of his broken goggles, and endless cooing out of the text over how meaningful his sacrifice was. Too meaningful to take back, of course, even as Ventress is brought back from her own sacrifice.

I had really, really thought that this time autistic life would be worth more than autistic death. That a character that felt so carefully handled couldn't have just been thrown away for shock value, barely to even be mentioned again, his memory used to string us along to keep us watching. If you added up every mention and shot through season 3 it might actually clock in at less time than was spent on Mayday's send off.

I'm an adult. I'll survive, though the sting of seeing yet another character like me used as a stepping stone for everyone else's happy ending will take a while to fade. But I think about the child I used to be who needed a character like Tech. And I think about how it would have felt to actually get that only to watch him die a handful of episodes later as a side note to his family's story, barely even mentioned again. How badly it would have hurt, how deep it would have scarred.

I'm not that child anymore. But there are a lot of autistic kids out there that are the same as I used to be, and they're learning for the first time that people like us don't get happy endings. Instead they die so that everyone around them can rise up, and they might even get mentioned a few times. But don't worry. Everyone will tell you how meaningful and special it is and how delusional you were to ever hope for anything else.

The Bad Batch still means a lot to me. I think it always will. I love the characters. I love the family, and all the potential they had. But the sting of not belonging in this happy ending is there, and it's deep. It's been a long time since I trusted a show. It'll be a long time before I risk trusting another. And I hope that the autistic kids trying to learn how to close their hearts off behind new walls are doing okay.

[chiibinomonodamon]

WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME RAMBLE ABOUT GAY FURRY DEMON SEX? XD

(damn, there's a sentence I never thought I'd say....)

Okay...so I see some Stolitz confusion and bashing online and I need to type up a defense here because I won't be able to sleep otherwise lol

I consider myself to be a Ship Critic and someone who takes shipping rather seriously.

What I mean by this is, I like to analyze and break down romantic relationships between fictional characters because it's just interesting to write for me. I especially take delight in friendly debating with opinions that I strongly do *not* agree with.

Let me start off by saying I am NOT a "this ship is awesome because gay furry sex lol" type of girl.

FAR from it. I'm generally more passionate about hetero ships between human characters (because I can relate to them more) among other reasons. So if you wanna dismiss my defense as "shallow fangirlism", you can forget about that lame excuse.

I fell in love with Hazbin Hotel when it was finally released in February and suffered waiting for each new two-parts per week. During that time, I decided to watch Helluva Boss as well, after a friend showed me a particularly soul-crushing clip (Moxxie's childhood trauma about his mother).

Yes, I like funny sex jokes as much as the next goofy adult but scenes like this, scenes that carry a very heavy emotional weight are what really get me in the end, even moreso when VERY little dialogue is exchanged. I knew I had to watch the entire episode run after seeing that the creators had a talent for this.

I saw people asking:

"How did Stolas go from using Blitz as a sex toy to being painfully in love with him?"

Oh I can tell you. I can tell you the EXACT moment this is revealed. But it's not spoon-fed to you; it's quite subtle actually and this is why lots of people miss it.

See, one of the strongest talents Vivenne has shown me is that she REALLY knows how to get her characters to communicate their feelings to the viewers JUST from their expressions and body language. These can be 'blink-and-miss-it' teeny little scenes and it may require a couple rewatches.

But since people demand time stamps for all information others post here, I'll rewatch a few scenes from S1 E7 'Ozzie's' as I'm typing this.

'Ozzie's' remains to be not just my favorite episode of HB...but probably my favorite episode of any adult-targeted animated show outside of Japan (aside from S2 E7's Mid-Season Special)

It has this huge reveal for both Blitzo and Stolas.

We'll first address Blitzo's irrational, stalkerish behavior of Moxxie and Millie.

He's obsessed with them. He finds both of them very attractive, fantasizes about threesomes with them and is constantly inserting himself into their personal lives.

Why?

Because they have everything that he badly badly wants for himself.

They have the perfect marriage and he is trying to live THROUGH them.

This was hilarious to me at the beginnning of the show but it's slowly revealed that it's one of the most tragic and depressing things I've ever seen. And it's scarily realistic too.

But you know this already so let's move on...

Blitzo follows the couple to Ozzie's but he can't get in without a date. So he calls up Stolas and yes, this is very low but he doesn't realize how much this means to Stolas (hell, I'm not sure even Stolas realizes it himself!) but the owl man is giddy with joy, he rushes over and they enter Ozzie's.

When Ozzie and Fizz mock Moxxie for being so sappy towards his wife, this strikes a chord with Blitzo (because they're his IDEAL relationship) and he speaks up to defend them.

NOW PAY CLOSE ATTENTION; THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART:

Fizz, still holding onto his past grudge turns on Blitzo to humilate him:

"Some nerve you got commenting on a relationship"

Time Stamp: 11:37

As Fizz says "-ship", Blitzo VERY QUICKLY makes eye contact with Stolas who has a look of panic on his face. Blitzo is seeking VALIDATION from Stolas in this sharp, subtle second of screentime, as if to ask

"Well, ARE we in one?"

And then what happens next...Stolas remains silent, Blitzo's ex joins in to announce how selfish Blitzo was in bed with her, tearing him down further. Stolas stands up like he's going to put a stop to it but then Ozzie notices him and interrogates him about sleeping with Blitzo.

Blitzo looks incredibly ashamed and guilty as Stolas blushes with similar feelings...and hides his face behind his menu; HIS BIGGEST MISTAKE IN THE SERIES SO FAR.

Time Stamp: 12:24

The look on Blitzo's face as he grits his teeth and darts his eyes away basically says

"Yeah, I should have known...boy am I an idiot for trusting him to stand up for me".

(look how SHOCKED he is...wow, this hurts fr ;_;)

This is a silent betrayal on Stolas's part. Afterall, his reputation is on the line, so if he were to defend Blitzo, it confirms they are in fact, dating. He chose his pride over Blitzo and Blitzo is crushed by this betrayal.

Moxxie finishes his song and kisses his wife tenderly. Stolas watches this and also wants to have an affectionate moment with Blitzo (who is rightfully glaring daggers at him) and tries to reach for his hand.

Blitzo rejects his touch and suggests they leave. As they do, Blitzo still looks furious and hurt. Stolas is now realizing how badly he screwed up with a "What have I done?" face (13:41)

He even looks disappointed with himself.

After Blitzo drops Stolas off, he thanks him and tries to smooth over the awkwardness with sweet talk but Blitzo just rolls his eyes in disgust and pulls on his face like "I don't want to hear this bullshit".

He responds coldly and curtly, "Yeah." Stolas makes more suggestions to spend time with him, which just makes him even angrier and he snaps

"I'm not fucking you tonight, okay!

I'm really just..." (14:28)

he pauses to wipe a tear because at this point he can barely hold it together (top notch voice acting and animation directing btw)

"...not in the mood, Stolas."

Stolas still tries to talk him into doing couple things unrelated to sex.

Blitzo's face switches back to anger and frustration because Stolas isn't getting the message so he goes for the blunt tactic;

"Stolas, don't act like what we have is anything but YOU wanting ME to fuck you, okay?"

(14:42)

"You make that really clear all the time."

(again his voice sounds like he's about to break down)

"But I-I just can't do it tonight, okay?"

(Finally meets his eye)

"...I'm sorry."

I believe this is code for "I'm sorry we're even in this situation and how your reputation got damaged. " Or, more painfully, "I'm sorry I'm such an embarrassment to you".

Stolas replies "Okay" and takes a deep breath to compose himself. They say goodnight and depart.

An important note here is that Stolas calls him "Blitzo" instead of "Blitzy" to show more respect.

As Blitzo zooms away coldly, Stolas looks up at the sky with tears in his eyes, surprised at how much it hurts.

He then sits down with his head in his hands in anguish...because he's getting that

"Oh...no. These feelings are real" epiphany.

And as if this wasn't enough angst, Blitzo collapses onto his couch at home, goes through the memories on his phone and starts sobbing.

I'm going to be real with you; this is the most heart-breaking shit I have ever seen in an adult show of this type. It's also the first time a show of this type got me to cry.

The last six minutes have revealed so much information without spoonfeeding it to the audience because the show RESPECTS its audience.

To recap:

*Blitzo takes Stolas on a first official date to use him

*Stolas is extremely happy about it

*Blitzo gets humilated and looks to Stolas for validation

*Stolas betrays him and breaks his heart

*Blitzo snaps that their relationship is nothing more than lust-driven sex

*Stolas realizes he's actually in love with Blitzo and it's a huge problem because (he believes) that it's unrequited.

*Blitzo breaks down because the ONE person whom he thought would protect him didn't do so.

So these two are convinced that neither one loves the other...while the irony is, it's quite the opposite.

Because if Blitzo REALLY didn't feel anything towards Stolas, he would not have gotten this emotional.

Yes, they are both lonely...but I really don't think that's all there is between them.

So..........we know WHEN they started falling...now the question is why;

I think the answer's quite simple; single-target affection.

It was mentioned in S2 that Stolas and Stella did sleep together ONE TIME...but Stolas didn't enjoy it at all. He is stuck with a wife who hates him so much that she put a HIT on him...and a daughter who thinks he's a loser. Blitzo is pretty much the one person in his life who is able to make him happy. That one small, bright spot. He enjoys the sex with him but he also simply enjoys his company, as shown in Ozzie's episode. He is thrilled to simply talk to him about his day...and do anything else that couples do. They're complete opposites. Stolas is an intellectual but naive and sheltered. Blitzo is poorly educated but cynical and street-smart. Opposites attract...though this is likely more from Stolas's POV than Blitzo's.

In other words, Stolas is into bad boys xD lmao

In Blitzo's case, Stolas is the only character who shows him physical affection which he desperately craves. He's pretty tsundere about it most of the time...but I think he actually does enjoy that attention...especially when he's always getting disrespected by Moxxie and Loona..and quite a lot of people around him. BUT he's too scared to get serious with anyone because of past trauma and he also believes that no one could possibly love him as a person. :(

Reasons I Think This Love is Real

Aside from what I pointed out in the Ozzie's episode...there's quite a lot of evidence, esp from Stolas's POV.

After he realizes he's in love, he goes to Asomodeous for an ALTERNATIVE method for Blitzo to use so they will no longer sleep together. He wants to set Blitzo free. Which means he DOES truly love him because love is about being generous to the other person. He COULD be totally selfish about it but he isn't.

Asomodeous mentions how against love potions he is and Stolas agrees. He thinks that's out of the question.

'Look My Way' music video. Lol I don't have to say anything more.

In S2 E6 OOPS

This exchange at 16:57

Fizz: Seems your taste has gotten more 'regal', lately?

Blitz: Yeah, well unlike you, I fuck who I want WHEN I want. I'm not gonna be tied down to some big blue-blood asshole.

Fizz: You coulda fooled me the way Prince was cozying up to you at Ozzie's.

Blitz (gets very defensive) HEY! Stolas only cares about have a rugged peasant raw-dog him into his mattress, okay!

It's nothing...(gets hesistant and looks away)...you know...

(Fizz gives him a 'bitch please' look xD)

"it's nothing else."

Fizz: Then why were you even there?

Blitz: OTHER very important reasons of course.

Fizz: Whatever. I don't actually care.

Blitz: Stolas is just a loud, thirsty BITCH!

(Fizz is rolling his eyes again)

Blitz: He loves feeling the thrill of getting dicked by the lower class.

It's a novelty to him.

Fizz: LITERALLY just said I don't care!

Blitz: And then he'll call me and try to see how my day was!

And he'll pretend to care about me and comment on my photos laugh at my jokes...

Fizz: (Smirking) OH! That's definitely your clue right there that it's all bullshit!

Blitz: I KNOW, RIGHT??

Fizz: (Making a 'What in idiot' expression, shaking his head)

Blitz: HE'S JUST A FAKE, PRIVELEDGED ASSHOLE...

Fizz: Sounds like you just hate him for being a prince!

No one (laughs) and I mean NO ONE pretends to care that much just for a cheap lay.

All right. IF ANYONE knows what real love is like, it's Fizzaroli...who is in a very HEALTHY relationship with Asomodeous. He recognizes the signs because he's IN that place. He sees it...and he's annoyed that Blitzo keeps denying it and brushing it off...yet clearly can NOT stop talking about Stolas (amusing irony)

To sum up (this freaking essay lol) 'Stolitz' ABSOLUTELY has the potential to be pure and true...these two just need to communicate...or Stolas has to PROVE to Blitzo that he's serious about his feelings in another way.

There is no doubt that this ship is 100% endgame and is a case of the 'Earn Your Happy Ending' Trope. I look forward to the rest of the journey. Ron is putting my feelings about Stolitz in a perfect phrase:

[ramblingthoughtsofayoungadult]

Unpredictable, Part 9-Limoreau x black!fem!reader fic

A/N: I'm finally updating! Thanks for your patience. Also, I didn't fully rewatch the episode so there will be some differences. Let me know if you wanted to be added to the taglist. Also, if you were on the taglist and aren't on it for this post, it just means when I typed your username, it didn't pop up. Enjoy!

Word count: 7.1k

Warnings: Swearing, sensuality, some angst, and general reader! insecurities about relationships

Series Masterlist

Taglist: @badbishsblog, @gardenof-venus, @morelovemorepeacemoretattoo-blog , @darksoul100, @simiinthemirror

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was the blood around my mouth. The coppery taste made my stomach lurch as I sat up and touched my mouth.

At least it was dried blood.

The second thing I noticed was the dejected expression on Cate’s face as she sat up on the couch across from me. She stared down at the ground, but she wasn’t looking at anything. For a second, I started to reach a hand towards her but stopped when I remembered what she’d done.

Just as I set my hand back in my lap, Marie and Jordan jerked awake, making me flinch in the process. It wasn’t until I settled a little that I noticed they were flanking me, and I looked down at my lap to hide my wide smile and warm cheeks.

“Is this real?” Marie asked.

“Yes, this is real,” Cate confirmed.

Immediately, Jordan jumped to his feet and shifted to their female form. They grinned so widely at the result that their dimples showed and Marie visibly relaxed next to me. Then, I noticed Marie glance at me.

Maybe if it worked for Jordan…

I took a deep breath and tried to focus on what else would unfold in the day. Instead of a picture, all I saw were hazy black and gray figures in my mind and it felt like my brain had hit a wall. I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head.

“Really?” Marie asked, placing her hand on top of mine.

“Don’t worry about it,” I muttered, slowly pulling my hand away.

“I’m sorry, Y/N, your powers should come back soon,” Cate voiced hoarsely.

 I thought I nodded as I slowly moved to my feet. “I’m gonna go clean myself up.”

“Do you need any help?” Jordan offered.

“No, I got it.”

 After a few minutes of wandering through Dusty’s house, I found a semi-clean bathroom and locked the door as soon as I walked in. The faucet handles were slippery, and it took a few tries before I finally got the water running. When I reached for the paper towel roll on top of the toilet, I realized that my hands were trembling.

“Stop it, Y/N, calm down,” I hissed. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry ran through my head like a mantra as I patted my face with warm water.

“I do not need my powers to be myself,” I muttered. “I’m still me even if I can’t see potential future outcomes.”

Or help my friends or loved ones or pass any crim classes or get a job as a supe.

Then, I was thankful that the running water drowned out my sobs since I wasn’t sure how much of a noise blocker my hand was. I almost collapsed over the sink as my back shook with sobs and the hot tears ran down my face.

No matter how much I wanted to stop crying, I couldn’t. It was like all those years of holding it back made me incapable of doing it in the moment.

Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to get screwed over all the time? bitterly ran through my mind.

I never did anything to Cate to deserve this, nothing at all and she wiped me twice without thinking of the consequences. Wiping two days’ worth of memories from four people’s minds must have been a first for her. There was no telling what that could have done to her powers, and she still did it.

I don’t know why my brain decided that was the time to remember Cate’s playful smile when she talked me into sneaking off campus with the others or her sincerity when I processed my feelings about Jordan and Marie with her. My chest ached and it wasn’t like I had a chest cold----it was almost like I took a direct blow from Luke, but it ached worse than that.

None of Cate’s actions made sense at the moment. Shetty must have put in a lot of effort to manipulate her because she was my friend, almost like the big sister I never had. When I really thought about it, Cate was one of my most attentive friends. Whenever I was stressed or anxious, Cate would take me to her favorite campus green to meditate; when a creepy guy approached me at a party or club, Cate was one of the first people to intervene; and she always insisted that I joined her, Jordan, Andre, and Luke for study groups.

I had to know how she could go from that to rendering me powerless. As I finished cleaning the blood from around the left side of my mouth and nostril, a sinking feeling came over me.

If Shetty could do that to Cate then what had she done to me?

Knock! Knock!

The sound made me jump and shook me out of my stupor.

“One second!” I called, frantically wiping at the other side of my face.

As I stared at my reflection, I internally winced at my red, puffy eyes. It would take at least three rounds of Peter Thomas Roth under eye masks and endless eye drops to remedy them.

“I just wanted to check on you,” Marie’s voice softly called.

I almost froze and huffed.

“Oh, I’m fine.” I sniffled and wiped at my nose.

“I’ll believe you when you open the door.”

Did Marie have some sort of fixation with seeing me at my worst?

“Seriously, you can go back to the others,” I tried to insist.

“If you don’t, I will break down this door.”

“You wouldn’t do that.”

Marie paused. “Jordan would.”

I huffed and threw the used tissues and paper towel in the trash can. After taking three deep breaths to calm myself, I unlocked the door and let Marie in. She immediately entered the room, forcing me to back up. Slowly, her hands grabbed the sides of my face, and she looked me over, eyes softening at the bits of blood I hadn’t been able to clean.

Then, I carefully grabbed her hands and started pulling away. “You don’t have to get that close to see that I’m fine.”

“Oh, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” Marie apologized, then, she frowned. “Actually, no. After everything you said, you pushed me and Jordan away and ran as soon as we woke up; it’s confusing.”

I sighed and turned away from her as I grabbed more paper towel. “I’m sorry. After everything that happened when we were in Cate’s head, I didn’t want you or Jordan to see me like this…again.”

As soon as I turned towards the sink, Marie stepped in front of me and gently took the paper towel out of my hands. She gestured towards the toilet, and I sat on the seat as she wet the paper towel in the sink. After a few seconds, she turned off the faucet and leaned down in front of me.

Marie’s gaze was laser-focused as she cleaned up the rest of my face. The silence in the space was comfortable but I couldn’t stop fidgeting with my braids as she worked.

“When are you gonna understand that Jordan and I don’t care if you don’t look perfect all the time?” she finally uttered. “They just told you how we’re all messy in our own way and it’s okay that you’re a part of it.”

“I didn’t think I had any more tears left in me but I guess I was wrong,” I muttered with a shrug.

Marie hummed in response as she continued gently wiping my face. A few more seconds passed until she was finally done.

“Finding you and Cate scared the shit out of me,” she stated. “It felt like the ground fell out from under me and I had no idea what to do. Jordan had the idea of slowing down your heart rates and it worked but, I’m scared to think what would happen if it didn’t.”

“But it did work because you have amazing powers.” I grabbed her hands. “You saved me, and Cate and I know you’ll save more.” Then, I let go of her hands. “Well, not know-know.”

“Hey, you’ll get your powers back. We’ll figure something out,” Marie insisted. “But what if we don’t” hung on the tip of my tongue and I didn’t let it fall out. Instead, I watched Marie throw away the dirty paper towel and then she grabbed my hands.

“It’s okay to let us help you,” she said.

“But, you’ll get tired---”

“I won’t and I know Jordan won’t either. People take care of each other in relationships.”

I looked down at our clasped hands. “That’s all…new for me.”

Marie squeezed my hands. “Me too but, I know the basics.”

Having a loving family must have been nice; at least Marie had a normal baseline for how to be in a relationship. Then, I realized that she kept looking at me.

“What? Is there something else on my face? Did my eyes get worse?” I rambled.

Marie laughed. “No, your face is fine; pretty.”

My cheeks warmed at her words, and I couldn’t keep the grin off my lips. Then, I felt myself lean towards Marie and she quickly closed the gap. Her lips were slightly chapped but mostly soft against mine. As I pressed my lips against hers, I let go of Marie’s hands and tangled my hands in her twists. Marie’s hands ghosted up my hips and underneath my cardigan, pulling me closer to her.

I sighed at the feeling but didn’t stop kissing her. Somehow, Marie didn’t break the kiss as she stood, pulling me to my feet and running her hands up and down my back.

I could have stayed like that for a while but a scream followed by banging interrupted.

“SAM!” Emma yelled.

We broke apart and I grabbed Marie’s hand and tugged her out of the bathroom with me. When we got to the living room, it was a mess. On one end of the room, Jordan and Andre were picking themselves off the floor and trying to avoid all the broken glass and other furniture casualties. On the other end, Sam held a weak Cate up against a wall that already had a sizable hole in it. Based on the dust on Cate’s clothes, Sam had attacked her. Emma stood behind Sam, eyes wide but her voice calm. “Sam, it’s okay, you can let her go.”

“She hurt you---she made you forget,” Sam griped.

“But I’m okay now, everyone is okay now. You can let her go, she’s not going to hurt anyone else.”

It was hard to gauge how much I agreed with the last part of Emma’s statement, but I doubted Cate would go after one of us again soon. Slowly, Sam let her go and Cate collapsed on the ground, gasping. Marie hurried over to Cate’s side to help her up and Sam backed away from them, eyes still boring holes in the top of Cate’s head.

My eyes flitted to Emma, who seemed a little more relieved, and ran a hand through her messy hair.

“Why is your hair that messy?” I asked.

“What is it with people asking me that today? Why is your lip gloss smudged?”

Then, Jordan turned to me and raised an eyebrow. “Great timing, freshie.”

I thumbed at my lips and my cheeks warmed even more. “Get your head out of the gutter. Anyway, what brought you two back here?”

Emma straightened up. “We were looking for you guys because I wanted, well, actually, Sam has something he would like to say.”

Then, Emma gave Sam the same look her mom gave her when she needed her to improve on a take. Suddenly, Sam’s shoulders slumped, and he pouted as he gazed at the tips of his dirty sneakers.

“I’m sorry for almost killing you guys…twice. I’m working on getting better control of my emotions but being locked up for eighteen years really screws with your head,” Sam stated.

The silence that followed was almost unbearable. Cate’s eyes never left Sam as if she was waiting on him to pounce again; Marie frowned; Andre’s jaw clenched so hard that I wasn’t sure he would speak for a while; and Jordan cocked her head to the side.

Finally, Andre said, “You didn’t almost kill us.”

“Fifteen more seconds and he might have,” Jordan admitted.

“My head is still sore from the last time we met but I’m willing to move forward if you stop attacking us on sight,” I added.

“I’m really sorry about that. You’re Y/N, right? Emma talks about you all the time,” Sam commented.

I grinned. “Oh, really?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah, she was saying that you’re great but clueless about relationships and----”

Emma patted Sam’s chest. “Okay, Sam, that’s enough. We don’t have time to talk about that because of the other thing.”

I narrowed my eyes at Emma. “Clueless, seriously?”

She smiled sheepishly and I sighed.

Unfortunately, Emma wasn’t fully wrong, but she didn’t have to tell Sam that. Besides, I was working on it.

For the next few minutes, the two filled us in on everything that was going on in the Woods. How Shetty had Dr. Cardoza experimenting on supes and how several people Sam knew down there got sick. Even though most of them got better, a couple died.

“And they never experimented on you?” Andre asked.

“Not the way they did with Tommy. He was super messed up but a funny guy. One day, they took him away for a session with Cardoza and I never saw him again,” Sam recalled.

“And Shetty knows about all of this and is doing nothing to stop it?” Marie confirmed.

“She hates supes; she wants us all dead,” Sam griped.

Cate shook her head. “That…that can’t be true. Indira always helped me and Y/N.”

Jordan glared at her. “Come on, Cate. Shetty manipulated the shit out of you because she knew we were getting too close.”

“And I want to know why she wanted the two of us to be so close,” I added.

Cate bit her bottom lip and played with the hem of her sweater. “This…this is a lot.”

I nodded. “But it sounds like they’re working on a virus that targets supes. Based on what Sam described, maybe they picked strong supes that weren’t as useful as Sam to be guinea pigs.” “So, they come up with a virus to kill all of us?” Andre asked.

“I don’t know if that’s the goal, though. Vought has invested way too much money in making supes and if all the GOD U students dropped dead, that’s the next lineup of the Seven gone,” Jordan interjected.

“And society is built around supes, and the fallout would be bad,” Marie said.

“But if Shetty hates us so much, she wouldn’t care,” I thought.

“How is she getting away with this when Vought watches everything? She has to report to them all the time,” Jordan wondered.

Since Brink died, Shetty had to have even more people working under her than before. It would be easy to have certain people cover up for her or maybe the woman was gifted at hiding heinous plots. Seeing how much effort she put into manipulating Cate, there was no telling how far Shetty was willing to go to hide the Woods.

“Shetty could lie on the reports; it’s not like Vought reads through everything carefully,” I pointed out.

“So, what do we do?” Emma asked.

At the moment, I wished that I had my powers. It would have made it much easier to come up with a plan. Instead, I didn’t try but racked my brain for ideas.

“I can help here,” Cate announced.

Everyone turned to her in unison, and no one looked confident. In all honesty, Sam seemed to be contemplating going after her again; Emma looked as though she wished Cate would stop talking; Andre somehow clenched his jaw more; Marie side-eyed her; and Jordan’s glare almost made me feel bad too. I tried to relax my shoulders and forced myself to listen.

“I know that no one trusts me right now but, I am the only one with a direct line to Indira,” Cate said. “Please, just let me try.”

“How do we know you won’t turn on us again?” Andre asked.

“I won’t, I promise,” Cate insisted.

“Yeah, well, your promises don’t mean shit to me right now,” Andre hissed.

“I agree with Andre; after this, anything’s possible,” Emma said.

Cate hesitated and turned to me. “Y/N, please, you know me. I may have messed up but I wouldn’t do it twice.”

A part of me wanted to believe her, really, but the other part was the giant gaping wound of being manipulated so badly that I had no powers. My stomach sunk when I looked at her and I suddenly felt nauseous.

I hugged my arms tightly around my waist. “I don’t know, Cate. I want to trust you again, but it’s difficult.”

Cate’s expression fell and I didn’t know if I wanted to comfort her or scream at her. Everything was so confusing and it didn’t help that I had this gnawing feeling that something else was going on; something that none of us knew.

Marie stepped forward to stand next to Cate. “I think this could be a good first step for you to start earning our trust, but I don’t blame Y/N for feeling how she feels.”

“Same here,” Jordan agreed.

I smiled at their words and had to fight to keep myself from crying even more.  

After some deliberation, we decided that Cate, Andre, Marie, Jordan, and I would focus on getting Shetty to expose her plot while Emma helped Sam hide from Vought or Shetty or whoever he’d upset.

That decision led me to leaning against the wall in a booth at an off-campus diner. It was fairly quiet, save for the handful of families laughing with their kids and the game that was on the outdated TV perched on a corner stand. Even though there was a giant plate of fries and greasy burgers on the table, barely anyone ate. I couldn’t stop staring at Cate, who was on her phone in the front corner of the restaurant.

“Can anyone hear anything?” Andre asked.

“No,” Marie said.

“And she’s not even facing us so we can’t even try lip reading,” I muttered.

Marie turned to me. “You know how to lip read?”

“Yeah, every crim major does. It’s part of the body language class,” I explained.

Marie nodded slowly. “This school is nuts.”

“We know,” Jordan muttered.

Finally, Cate hung up the phone and wandered back over to us. “I can’t see her yet; she’s in the city all morning.”

“What does that mean?” Jordan asked.

“I’ll have to wait at her house and get her to talk then,” Cate said.

Andre shook his head. “That’s too much time.”

“Did she sound different or suspicious of you?” Marie asked.

“No, she sounded fine. I’m sorry this isn’t turning out how we hoped.”

Based on her slumped shoulders, I guessed that Cate was telling the truth. The situation was both irritating and relieving since my list of questions for Shetty grew every minute and I was itching to ask them, but I was also thankful for a chance to gather my bearings. The thought of confronting her made me fidget since Shetty had helped me a lot.

How could someone be so kind and so hateful at the same time?

“…and stay out of our heads!”

Jordan’s exclamation jerked me from my thoughts, and I watched them shift to their male form and storm out of the diner. Andre ran his hand over his face and started messing with a straw while Cate looked down at her gloved hands.

“I’ll be back,” Marie muttered, slipping out of the booth and trailing after Jordan.

I blinked and turned back to Cate and Andre. “Sorry, what did I miss?”

“Jordan’s pissed because we have to wait at Shetty’s to get any info out of her and we’re on a timer pretty much,” Andre explained.

“This is all my fault,” Cate muttered.

Instead of answering, I dumped a handful of fries on my plate and started using them to make patterns in the ketchup between bites. When I bit into a burger, I almost moaned at the taste.

Either I was ravenous, or this place had decent food.

When I glanced back up, Cate and Andre stared at me.

I swallowed. “I got hungry.”

“You’re not gonna go after your…partners?” Andre asked.

I straightened up and continued munching on a fry. “We never labeled ourselves as anything and Marie’s got it.”

“Well, I’m glad the three of you have figured something out,” Cate offered.

“Thanks, but, I don’t know how much we have figured out.”

With everything going on, I never paused to think about how this relationship would work. In all honesty, I was shocked that I was able to tell Jordan and Marie how I felt and even more when both reciprocated. But I wondered what happened from here. How did we figure that out?

“It takes time,” Cate answered.

I snapped my eyes up to her. “Could you not probe my mind for a second?”

“Sorry, I can’t help it right now.”

Just as I was going to take another bite, my phone buzzed in my lap.

M: Come outside.

I quickly typed back, Omw.

“If I’m not back soon, just get a box for me.”

“Got you,” Andre said.

When I got outside, the chill made me wrap my cardigan tighter around me. Fortunately, Jordan and Marie were just around the corner and it was a short walk. Just as I got around the corner, the two were kissing. It only lasted a few seconds until Jordan pulled away, a smirk on his face, and I imagined Marie had a similar expression.

“What was that about my bad timing?” I called.

Marie turned at the sound of my voice and Jordan’s smirk deepened.

“Don’t be jealous,” he sang.

Funnily enough, I wasn’t jealous the first time I caught them; just shocked and confused. This time, watching them made me smile all over.

I rolled my eyes at Jordan’s words and sauntered over to them. “Please tell me you didn’t make Marie summon me in an attempt to make me jealous.”

“He didn’t make me do anything, but I thought you should be a part of this conversation,” Marie explained.

Then, Marie launched into hers and Jordan’s idea to break into Shetty’s office, find damning evidence of the Woods and the virus, and bring it to Victoria Neuman. The more she talked, the more the uneasiness set in.

“That town hall is happening today so it’s perfect timing,” Marie concluded.

Jordan looked at me expectantly and I glanced at the giant blue and red poster of the political candidate on the side of the building. Politicians had this strange fixation on looking hopeful, trustworthy, and powerful in all their photos. According to Coco, it was one of the most challenging parts of the field. No matter what any politician did, it all seemed fake to me. Maybe it was because I could see what they would really do if they were elected.

Even though I couldn’t use my powers, something about Victoria Neuman seemed off to me.

“Say it, freshie,” Jordan encouraged gently.

“In theory, I think it’s a good idea to get this information to someone with massive influence,” I started.

“But,” Marie said.

“But I have a weird feeling about her, actually, I’ve been having a weird feeling all day now,” I admitted.

“This is our best shot to expose Shetty right now,” Marie argued.

I nodded. “And I’m not saying not to take it. I’m saying I’m not sure how it’ll play out.”

“Is this about your powers?” Jordan asked.

“No, sort of, anyway, like I said, if you want to go rogue, do it.”

“You’d be coming with us too.” Marie reached a hand towards me, and I unfolded my arms to let her play with my fingers.

I sighed. “But I don’t know how helpful I’ll be.”

“This is gonna sound cheesy as hell, but you don’t need your powers to be helpful. You figured out that Cate manipulated you twice and you figured out that their goal in the Woods is to create a virus against supes. And you did all that without your powers,” Jordan pointed out.

“You’re amazing, Y/N,” Marie added.

I smiled and flipped my braids over my shoulder. “If you say so.”

Marie shook her head and Jordan grabbed my other hand.

“So, this may not be the best time to ask but are we…”

“You’re my girlfriend,” Jordan answered.

“Our girlfriend,” Marie corrected.

“She asked me out first.”

“No, I didn’t. I told you I liked you first,” I argued.

Jordan shrugged. “Same thing.”

Marie swatted Jordan’s arm with her free hand. “This relationship isn’t a competition.”

“Said the sore loser.”

Just as they were about to start bickering, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I let go of Jordan’s hand to grab it, ignored his feigned insulted gasp, and swiped through it. Sydney had texted Sasha, Alina, Lydia, and me in our group text.

S:911. Meeting in an hour.

“As much as I would love to continue this, I have to go to Si Chi,” I said, slipping my phone back in my pocket.

“Really? Now?” Jordan asked.

“Emergency meeting and I need time to get ready. I’ll text you both later.”

When I moved to hug Marie, she pecked my lips instead and I flinched. She smiled mischievously and I blinked at her.

“And I thought you were this shy, sweet freshman,” I muttered.

“I learn quickly,” she teased.

I shook my head and turned to Jordan, who immediately pressed his lips against mine, hands roaming all over my back. I was in a daze as he moaned but when one of his hands squeezed my butt, I yelped and jumped away.

“Jordan!” I rasped.

Even though Jordan apologized, he did not look sorry at all. As I sauntered off to get an Uber, I couldn’t help but wonder what I had gotten myself into but couldn’t deny the buzz of excitement at the thought.

Exactly fifty-five minutes later, I sat in the large conference room in Si Chi, freshly showered and made up. The cherry red Ralph Lauren tennis mini dress and white Chanel platforms paired with my braids swept up in a messy bun made me feel exposed but pretty. A minute later, Alina and Lydia waltzed in together. Alina’s hair was in a low bun with pieces framing her face and her black long-sleeved Naked Wardrobe skirt set flowed around her with each step. Lydia wore a deep plum Givenchy blazer over a white Oxford and dark Levi’s, her deep auburn hair fell around her shoulders in soft curls.

Immediately, Lydia took a seat across from me while Alina took a seat on my right.

“Hi, Lydia, Alina,” I greeted.

“Hi, Y/N,” Lydia chirped.

“Hi,” Alina said.

 As soon as they sat, Sydney breezed in, her knit white DKNY dress catching the light as well as her diamond studs. She pushed a wavy strawberry blonde tendril out of her face as she took a seat at the head of the table and set her canvas Marc Jacobs tote on the glossy table.

“Hello, girls,” Sydney said.

“Hello, Sydney.”

Our unified voices sent a chill down my spine.

Finally, Sasha burst in, sweat coating her forehead as she quickly took the seat next to Lydia and adjusted her deep green wrap dress. “Sorry, there was a big crowd because of the rally.”

“It’s okay, Sasha. Just remember to factor in big events when you’re commuting for other meetings,” Sydney advised evenly.

Sasha seemed to gulp and nodded.

“That leads me to the topic of this emergency meeting. I know that the town hall on campus is going to be packed and it’s been a hot topic for weeks since it was announced. This morning, all the Greek presidents met and determined that each house will decide their own policy for attendance,” Sydney explained. “I’ve debated this for a while. Our high standards and reputation attract ambitious women and plenty of them will want to attend the town hall. However, I am also concerned about the safety of this event since there is so much opposition on both sides.”

Sydney paused.

“That is why I believe that no Si Chi girl should attend the event,” Sydney stated.

Even though she worded it softly, Sydney was forbidding all of us from attending. If anyone was caught, that would mean an automatic exit from the house.

“It’s especially important for us as leadership to be role models for the initiates. We must choose our events wisely and we don’t want any of them risking anything because of their ideologies or to try to go viral,” Sydney explained.

“It makes sense. Those pro-supes are rowdy,” Lydia agreed.

And ignorant, I thought.

“I’m all for supe rights but I don’t want to be caught in a riot,” Alina added.

“How do we communicate this to the other girls?” Sasha asked.

“Y/N can send something out in the house Discord.” Sydney smiled at me. “You know how to make it tasteful but authoritative.”

As much as I appreciated the compliment, I couldn’t stop thinking of how to persuade her. If I had my powers, this would be nothing but the only thing I had was my wits. The more I thought, the more I was concerned that my wits abandoned me.

“Well, that’s it unless anyone has something to add?” Sydney prompted.

Finally, I had something.

“Yes. I agree that everyone’s safety is important, but I don’t think we’ve thought about the political science majors. Their professors will be all over this and more and more of them want first-hand footage. I think discouraging everyone will put them at a real disadvantage,” I said.

My heart pounded in my ears as I watched the gears turn in Sydney’s head. It wasn’t my best work but it might have made a difference.

“It’s a shame but, they’ll have to figure something else out,” Sydney said.

“Well---”

“Have that done in thirty, okay?”

Sydney’s words were light but her eyes were so intense that my words stopped in my head. I nodded and she dismissed everyone. Sasha grinned widely at me as she stood and walked out.

“I guess your friend will have to figure something else out. With it being junior year and all, it’s even more important that she doesn’t fail anything,” Sasha said.

“Her name is Coco and even though this is an inconvenience she’ll figure something out.”

As confident as I was in Coco, I had no idea what I was going to do. Surprisingly, writing up the Discord message was easy, even though plenty of the girls were upset, it was a simple fix of, “If you’re disappointed, Sydney is more than happy to answer your questions.” However, I wasn’t sure how I was going to tell Jordan and Marie that I couldn’t help them get the information to Neuman.

Of course, the time we set to meet up outside of Shetty’s office arrived too soon and I found myself pacing down the hall, filled with dread the closer I got to Shetty’s office. When I arrived, the door was already open and my heart lurched into my throat.

Oh no, we’ve been caught, this won’t work, I panicked.

Then, I forced myself to take a deep breath and crept closer to the door. It took five more deep breaths for me to get the courage to peek around the corner. At first glance, Shetty’s office looked like it normally did: peaceful but professional. Her space was light and airy with the perfect amount of light from the sun seeping through the windows. However, when I looked closer, there were papers sprawled over her desk, something that she would never stand for.

Just as I started to creep in, Jordan popped up from behind the desk and cursed loudly when she saw me.

“You could have said something, freshie!” Jordan admonished, one hand pressed to her chest and another holding a file.

“Well, I didn’t know who was in here!” I defended, wandering further in. “You should have closed the doors behind you.”

Jordan smirked. “You say that like I’m not the one who taught you how to sneak into places. I would have just told whoever that Shetty needed me to find something.”

“Technically, you all contributed to teaching me that but okay.”

Then, I turned back towards the doors to start closing them when Marie slipped in. We nearly collided but I took a half step back.

“Shit, sorry!” Marie exclaimed.

“It’s fine, I guess it’s my karma.”

I let her slip past me and made sure the doors were secured behind us before joining her and Jordan at Shetty’s desk.

“Have you found anything yet?” Marie asked.

“No, just different files on different kids.”

I perked up. “Like the ones she checks in with?”

“I think so. I didn’t read any because that felt wrong.” Jordan paused. “And don’t go looking for your file; you need to be focused.”

“Fine,” I groaned playfully.

We decided it would be best for Jordan and me to go through Shetty’s physical files while Marie searched her computer. As I skimmed the documents, my brain circled around how I would tell them that I couldn’t go to the town hall. There was no great way to say, “Hey, I can’t help you expose a major conspiracy because my house president said ‘no’ and if I disobey, I’ll be ostracized.” I would find better words but that’s what it all boiled down to.

If only Si Chi and rankings didn’t matter so much.

Then, I paused at a newspaper clipping I found. It was from that plane crash a couple of years back, the one that Queen Maeve and Homelander failed to save. The thought of all those people dying made my stomach churn. As I kept reading, my stomach settled a little and I felt myself buzzing.

“Look.” I set the file down on Shetty’s desk and Jordan stepped closer and Marie swiveled in her chair.

“It’s from that plane crash,” Marie observed.

“Why would Shetty have a file on this?” Jordan asked.

“Because of this.” I flipped through the documents and pointed out the passenger list. “It’s right in the middle.”

After a few seconds of reading, both their eyes widened.

“Holy shit,” Jordan breathed.

“Her kid and her husband were on that plane; that’s why she hates all supes, it makes total sense,” Marie said.

“It’s only motive but, it might be useful for Neuman. But no one’s found anything on the Woods?” I asked.

Marie and Jordan shook their heads.

“Great, this couldn’t get worse,” Marie muttered.

Immediately, Shetty’s office door handle started jiggling and our eyes snapped to it.

“I thought you locked the door,” Jordan hissed.

“No, it would have been suspicious if the door was locked,” I whispered back.

“We don’t have time for this. Hide whatever you can.”

Frantically, we shoved the unimportant files in random drawers, and I kept the one about the plane crash under my denim jacket. Just when the door pushed open, someone dragged me down and I found myself sandwiched between Jordan and Marie underneath Shetty’s desk. It was a tight squeeze, and I didn’t think that I could move if I tried but, I was more focused on keeping my breathing even as someone entered the office.

“Nice digs. I guess this is what you get for screwing over everyone,” a masculine voice drawled.

“That’s Cardoza,” Jordan mouthed.

My eyes widened and I could feel my heart rate pick up. For a few seconds, I couldn’t focus on any of my surroundings, and I couldn’t hear anything either. This shouldn’t have been happening, I took my medicine, I knew I did.

Just breathe, Y/N, and use your exercise.

I see three of Jordan’s rings, I smell Marie’s hair oil, I feel really warm, and----

My thoughts were cut off by Marie grabbing my shoulders and muttering, “It’s okay.”

In the next few seconds, my heart rate slowed down, and I breathed a lot easier. I would have turned to thank her if it would have blown our cover.

For the next minute, Dr. Cardoza ranted about how his medical prowess was misused and how no one was supposed to get hurt.

“It was all for science! But screw science and me, right?” he bellowed.

Then, he got quiet for a second, but it was quickly filled by the sound of something trickling. Since she was in the most convenient position, Jordan poked her head out from her hiding spot only to immediately retract it and shake her head.

I hated where my imagination went.

Finally, the sound stopped, and the man groaned. “Here’s your precious data.”

Something plopped onto the desk, and we all perked up. As soon as the door slammed behind him, we rushed out from our hiding spot. Marie grabbed the USB that Dr. Cardoza dropped and plugged it into the computer. In seconds, we had everything that could expose Dean Shetty and the Woods. Some of the details made me wretch and some things did not need visuals but had them.

It was perfect ammunition.

“Wow,” Marie said.

“How long were they doing all this?” Jordan muttered.

I shook my head, grabbed the file from my jacket, and took pictures of the important parts. “I don’t know if I want to know at this point.”

After Marie grabbed the USB and we put everything else back to normal, we got out of that office as quickly as we could. While we walked down the hallway, my thumbs flew across my phone screen.

“I just sent the pictures to you both,” I said.

“Why? Are you afraid you’ll accidentally delete it?” Marie asked.

Okay, here it goes.

“I can’t go to the town hall,” I confessed.

“Are you scared? No one’s going to do anything, they’re all talk,” Jordan said. “And I wouldn’t let them touch you.”

“Neither would I,” Marie affirmed.

“I appreciate that but, it’s not out of fear. Si Chi girls can’t attend; president’s orders.”

They stopped walking at the same time, and I lagged a little, dreading facing them. At first, they both looked stunned then Jordan looked like she would strangle someone, and Marie was confused.

“That’s bullshit,” Jordan hissed.

“Yeah, they can’t tell you where you can and can’t go,” Marie agreed.

I shifted my weight from foot to foot. “Well, they sort of can. If I go, it’s immediate expulsion from the sorority.”

“But this is important. They have to make an exception,” Marie offered.

“I couldn’t tell them about this. Sydney would get an ulcer at the thought of breaking into the dean’s office and going through private files,” I argued. “Plus, if I told them about any of this, they’d think I’m a crazy conspiracy theorist.”

“This isn’t a conspiracy or a theory; they did this shit and no one did anything about it,” Jordan insisted.

I huffed. “I know that, Jordan, but I also know these girls and they don’t like to leave their comfort zones. Even though Sydney is one of the more progressive presidents, she still has to maintain the standards.”

“Even if it includes covering up Shetty’s plan to make everyone sick?”

I hesitated. “I…I’m not sure.”

Marie groaned. “Come on, Y/N, you don’t have to do every little thing they say. You’re high up in the house, doesn’t that mean anything?”

“Yes, it means more status and respect but also more eyes, so I’m almost double forbidden from going.” I sighed. “I’m sorry but, this is as far as I can go. Text or video call me if you need anything.”

The moment I turned on my heel and started walking away, I understood what a kicked puppy must feel like. I only made it a few steps before both grabbed one of my wrists.  

“Stop running,” Jordan said.

“I’m not running,” I argued.

“Bullshit, this whole thing is,” she challenged.

I paused and narrowed my eyes at Jordan. “It might be to you but it’s very important to me. It always has been.”

When I pulled at her hand, Jordan let me go and I turned to Marie, but her expression hardened.

“You don’t have to do this,” she insisted.

I scoffed. “Yes, I do. Vought already gave you their stamp of approval, so you’re set. I have to play it smart, and I can’t do anything to lose Si Chi right now.”

“That’s not fair, Y/N,” Marie said.

“It’s the truth, though. I’m on thin ice with not being able to use my powers and I can’t mess up anything else!”

Jordan stepped closer to me. “The Woods is bigger than anything at this school. Screw rankings, Si Chi, and GOD U. Shetty wants us all dead and you have a chance to stop her. You have a chance to be a hero.”

They were right, this was a fantastic opportunity to help people and make GOD U a better place. We had no idea how many kids were still trapped down there or what they were experiencing. This plot needed to be exposed and everyone needed to be held accountable. At any other time, I would have jumped at the chance to help but I couldn’t.

If only Sydney hadn’t given that order.

I wanted the ground to swallow me up and take me somewhere far away from the two pairs of deep brown eyes that bored into me. I also wanted Marie and Jordan to stop looking at me with such intensity; it just made everything harder.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“You’re not the only one risking your ranking here, you know. I don’t get why you insist on doing all this shit after everything,” Jordan spat.

I flinched at her tone and swallowed thickly. I knew she was referring to my family and how awful they were. The worst part was I didn’t know why I was like this either.

How could I have made so much progress just to end up back where I was?

Just a few hours ago, I was giggly about having a new girlfriend and partner. Before my meeting at Si Chi, I even made spreadsheets of some dates we could have and gift ideas for holidays and birthdays.

Seeing them both look at me with such hurt in their eyes almost broke me and I wanted to forget about the smug expression on Sasha’s face and Sydney’s tone. But, I just couldn’t.  

[theflyindutchwoman]

Can you better explain how Isabel factored into Tim and Lucy's fight? I've rewatched the scene multiple times trying to understand, but I'm just not making the connection, and I know I'm missing something. I thought the fight was about Lucy making detective, but then she brought up Tim's trauma with Isabel, and I'm just not seeing how they connect.

I can certainly try - whether I'll succeed, however, is another matter… Make yourself comfortable, it's going to be a long post. As always, this is merely my interpretation.

The fight was initially about Lucy making detective and escalated from there. That's because the issue goes beyond just this test : all of this is intrinsically connected to the whole undercover work storyline. This is the reason why she is taking this exam in the first place : so she can become a UC. And that is the crux of the matter. This is the topic they have yet to fully discuss : how Tim truly feels about her becoming a full UC officer considering his past traumatic experience. It has been bubbling for the last five episodes… And this time, it blew over.

In my opinion, you can see the progression of their argument in these 3 key scenes.

/ 1st - First scene in the shop (Lucy's spiraling) Here, Lucy is entirely focused on the detective exam. This is about the pressure she is feeling. Taking an exam is already stressful enough, but add the fact that one of the higher-ups is gunning for her, and her anxiety is understandable. I believe that up to this point, she has been trying not to let it get to her. We saw a bit of her distress when she found out about Primm potentially blocking her in 5.19, but that was it. Now that the date is approaching though, the cracks are starting to show. As someone else mentioned, she asked for TO/Sergeant Bradford to help her when really, she wanted (and needed) Boyfriend Tim. You can already see how she is second-guessing herself when she says she should have asked Nyla or Angela for help. And after that, well… She starts spiraling. Part of the reason why she cracks here is that she feels safe : she's in the shop, riding with Tim. This is an environment she is familiar with. So she starts unloading. Only, once she starts, she can't stop. She overthinks everything in a way we haven't seen her do before, not even when she was still a rookie. And Tim in that moment is completely caught off-guard, not knowing what to do. And to be frank, I don't think he realises how bad it is yet. Now, speaking from experience, I'm not entirely sure there was anything he could have said that would have made a difference. I've been on both sides of the equation and you usually feel powerless. What could have possibly helped was doing some breathing exercises with her, making her focus on the here and now, or simply taking a small walk… Like in that scene with Barnes and the ladybug in 3.11. Anything really to take her mind off that exam. But I'm afraid that would have only been helpful in the short term since the issue at heart goes far deeper than the exam.

/ 2nd - The fight in the shop (stake out) This is where the conversation starts to (slowly) shift away from the exam itself. At this point, Lucy is on a downward spiral and is second-guessing everything, including taking the exam. It's clear by the tears in her eyes that she is barely holding it together. Tim's immediate reaction is to protest and reassure her that she is ready. And when she argues that it would be better for her to wait, he tries to reassure her again that there's nothing wrong that. He even makes sure to emphasise that she can still do some undercover assignments while in patrol. Because he knows this is why she wants to become a detective. There is no malice in his words. He is genuinely trying to be supportive and help her deescalate. He trusts her to know what's best for her and if she says it is to wait, then he will support her. Just like he trusted her when she wanted to stay undercover after finding out Rosalind had escaped. Unfortunately, Lucy understands something entirely different. What she hears is that he doesn't believe she can pass the exam. Otherwise he would have insisted. And from there, she spirals even more. Her mind is projecting and creating a whole new scenario. Remember when I said she is second-guessing everything? Well, now it includes Tim. When you spiral, your mind tends to jump to the worst case-scenario. And before they can clarify this, the suspect shows up.

/ 3rd - The final scene And this is when it all comes crashing down. Tim is still trying to figure out what happened while Lucy's mind is already somewhere else. He's playing catch up here. When you think about it, it's not that different from the 'unless it is' scene : when they met outside the station back then, Tim was trying to understand why she didn't want to break up with Chris while Lucy was one step ahead of him and blurted her confession out. When they meet here in the parking garage (a few steps away from where they were in 5.08 by the way), she looks completely defeated. She solved the case but it doesn't feel like a victory. Now, her doubts go far beyond Primm and the exam. Doubts poison everything. And make you question everything. And in that moment, the thing she is questioning is why Tim doesn't believe she can pass the exam.

So why does she jump to Tim's trauma with Isabel? Because, in her mind, that's the reason why he is scared of her becoming a detective. If she passes the exam, she will be an undercover cop. Her words are : "Did you undermine me today because you're scared that I'm gonna make detective?". "Scared" being the operative word here. Like I said earlier, this is where I think the context helps. Ever since she told him about taking the detective exam in 5.19, she has tried on numerous occasion to broach the topic of undercover - to no avail. He has either deflected or walked away. Like in that couch scene at the end of 5.20 : "I'm worried that you won't [be able to handle me going deep undercover] - I'll be fine". Or that scene in the laundry room : "Look, it's not my first time - I know. It's probably what makes it worse - All right, now's not the time to talk about this". Before it finally blew over a little at the end : "If this is gonna work between us, I need to know that you can see the difference - Of course I can". And there's something to be said in the mirroring in the language here : "if this is gonna work between us" in 5.21 / "this isn't gonna work if you're gonna lie to me" in 6.01.

She knows about his trauma and like he said, he has acknowledged it with her since day one. But that was then. That was before they became a couple. Since their relationship changed, with the exception of that final scene in 5.21, he has yet to open up on how he truly feels about her doing undercover work. And because she knows him and his past, she can sense that he's hiding something. She can sense he is scared. He all but admitted it in 5.21 after all. But that conversation just scratched the surface.

The other reason she brings up his past and trauma is because the one time they did talk about this was when he jumped to the conclusion that she was hiding things while undercover, the way Isabel did. But they didn't go deeper, they were too raw back then. Still, this part of the conversation probably stuck with her. She has internalised everything for so long, has bottled up all those feelings, those things left unsaid until she couldn't contain them anymore. And she blurted everything out at the worst time. That's the issue when you don't talk about things : your intentions can get misconstrued. And watching your partner walk away from the difficult conversation, before you can actually talk things through, takes its toll on you. It creates a doubt. Now add all that spiraling, all that second-guessing she has done all day long and you got a recipe for disaster. She arrives at this crashing point where she second-guesses him. Because she is afraid too. She is afraid that the other shoe is about to drop.

Now from Tim's perspective, I believe he is sincere in his support. And I don't think that in this episode, his past even crossed his mind. He genuinely wants her to succeed, to have the career that she wants and deserves. When he says that she's different, that they're going to figure out, he means it. When he said they were worth the risk, he meant it. He already knew she was going to do undercover work. But he's also scared. The most obvious time was in 5.20 where they were sitting on the couch. The fear was written all over his face. That said, I get where he's coming from too : after his reaction in 3.06, I can understand why he is more guarded. That he doesn't want his fears to influence her in any way. "You don't let anyone ever tell you you can't do something. Not even me." I can imagine that he is afraid that should he be entirely honest, it would put Lucy in a situation where she feels that she has to choose between him and UC. And that's the last thing he wants. He doesn't want to be the one to hold her back in any form. Like he said in 5.02. He wants the best for her so he will be supportive, no matter what her decision is.

And here's the irony for you : he wants to be so supportive that he doesn't see that what she needs even more is honesty from him and that without that honesty, it is creating a doubt in her mind. It's a loop they are stuck in. At least, for now. All it takes to break that loop is to talk.

I hope this helped shed some light on the connection and answered your question :)

[philtstone]

24. Showing up injured at their friend/mentor’s house: for shawn? :)

[emerges from writing this fic bloody and beaten and on the verge of collapse] ill explore karen vicks character in an overly complicated post-episode missing scene fic or die trying! set immediately post "right turn or left for dead". i genuinely dont know if im happy with this but i also cant figure out how to fix it. actually, it would have probably been easier to write if i was willing to rewatch the episodes its based on. which i am not, because i am a sensitive little soul. so i winged it. i think there are like 10 different ideas that crop up and theyre all equally fascinating as character threads but i have no idea if i tied them together in an even remotely coherent way. also, WOULD she say that??? i had to call my brother twice to ask. this is what yall get for sending me actually interesting prompts, huh

“Oh, it’s no problem,” Henry’s voice said on the phone. “I’ll send Shawn over with them on his way out. He's going in your direction, anyway.”

In her short tenure as the junior detective to Henry Spencer’s lieutenant, Karen Vick observed two things:

First, that he was a far more clever strategist than most people gave him credit for. Despite the ongoing wreckage of his impending divorce and a kid who was slipping through his fingers as everyone looked on, Karen didn’t agree with the other junior detectives’ impression of him as a smash-the-door-down old school hard ass with thinning hair and a worst attitude. The man played four dimensional chess right out of a bonafide Star Trek episode. When he really wanted something done, Henry Spencer could bullshit and bluff and battle plan with the pros, and half the time you’d get too caught up in the blustering misdirect to realize his game was intricately thought out three steps in advance.

It was how they caught the Shorttown Killer, and also how they got that idiot Trembley at the mayor’s office to finally replace their coffee maker. Karen went home to her then-boyfriend, now-husband, and, right before bed, pulled out an old school workbook and took notes.

The second thing was that Henry Spencer loved his son. 

Not a lot has changed since then, Karen thinks, staring down the weirdness that she now faces through her open front door.

“… Oh — Mr. Spencer,” Karen says, because it’s rude not to greet your employees when they show up at your home outside of work hours, and are also your old friend-slash-colleague’s kid. “Hello. Thanks for — bringing these over.”

“Dad said it was urgent,” Shawn says.

Urgent isn’t quite how Karen would describe it, but hearing through the grapevine that your department might be facing an audit sometime in the next quarter does light a fire under the proverbial ass. Karen would rather bend a few rules and make sure the last year’s i’s and t’s are dotted and crossed right than leave her detectives vulnerable to the whims of a mayoral stooge. 

In general, Karen prides herself on caring about the people under her command just enough that it inspires genuine friendship and loyalty. The just is important. Care needs tempering – it’s important to pull back, press pause, keep certain lines uncrossed. It’s especially important if you want to be successful as a woman in an authority position where lives are often on the line. 

What she’s saying is that she tries to make it none of her business what her employees get up to in their spare time. She really genuinely does. She’s shut O’Hara down gently midway through the twelfth sweetly-frazzled attempt to overshare about her dating life (or her efforts to befriend her next-door neighbor, or the endearing personality quirks of her last cat – rest in peace, Triscuit, you will be missed –) enough times to be well-versed in the art of I Won’t Ask, You Won’t Tell, But You’ll Probably Know I Care Anyway.

An invaluable rapport to maintain. In any situation, Karen thinks, but especially when you’re a person who regularly hires and works alongside Shawn Spencer.

She’s not sure whether what she’s looking at right now makes her want to second guess or double down on her usual policy. 

“Special delivery,” Shawn adds, like everything is super normal.

Karen narrows her eyes. She glances behind them into the quiet residential street.

“Shawn,” she says.

“Yes, Chief?”

“You didn’t drive here, did you?”

“Ha,” he says, half rolling his eyes to accompany a weird aborted grin. “No. Even I don’t think riding a motorcycle with a concussion is a good idea. What if someone who wasn’t me got hurt? That’s — that would be no good, then you’d have to arrest me. Wouldn’t that be a huge bummer for the whole team, Chief? Gus would cry. And my dad wouldn’t let me take his truck.”

Karen stares at him. Shawn stares at the ground.

“I got a cab,” he says.

“And you are … taking another cab – home?”

Shawn looks quite suddenly like he’s going to be sick.

“Sure,” he says. 

Shawn looks terrible. Bruised face, bags under his eyes, and a weird frenetic energy twitching in his limbs that doesn’t pair well with his general air of exhaustion. He’s holding his shoulders stiffly and can barely meet her eye. His t-shirt and sweatpants are rumpled, like he slept in them, even though it’s too early in the evening for Henry to have woken him up to send him here, and when he thrusts the promised files out into the air toward her, abrupt and, admittedly, Shawn-like, he only just hides the awkward wince that immediately overtakes his left side.

The last couple days have been a bit of a whirlwind, so Karen can’t say she necessarily blames herself for not looking more closely. 

Even so.

Slowly, Karen reaches forward and divests him of the case files. They slip a little bit, because Karen can’t seem to stop peering shrewdly at Shawn’s face while she does it, and on instinct he reaches forward to stop the stack from toppling. 

It does help, but the autopilot he moves on makes it harder to mask what is to Karen’s eyes a very obvious flinch. 

“Alright,” is all he says. “Well, good to see you. Time to head back to the old hay stack.”

Like a needle in a haystack and time to hit the hay, Karen supplies needlessly in her own head. Aloud, she says, in many ways against her better judgment, 

“Mr. Spencer, are you okay?”

Shawn sways on the spot for a second, one fist clenched, mouth half open. For a strange moment, Karen gets the impression that he’s trying really hard not to say the wrong thing.

“... As rain,” he finally manages, then nods to himself like he achieved some great feat. “Okay. Well –”

“Did something happen to your shoulder?” 

“What? No!” Shawn’s eyes flutter closed and he shakes his head, “I’m – fine, Chief. It’s not – I mean, I’m – normal, fine. Fine in a normal way.”

“That’s not something an individual who’s fine in a normal way would say,” Karen says. 

“Uh, is it not! It is. I would know, because I am that individual. It’s – I was – there’s just mild – pfft … stab wound – or something, who would even …”

Is Shawn broken? is the unhelpful thought that pops into Karen’s head. She’s never heard an attempt to bullshit collapse so quickly into pathetic nothingness before – certainly not from Shawn.

Perhaps even more than his father, the kid’s a pro.

And then the rest of the sentence catches up with her.

“A mild stab wound?”

Oh boy. She watches Shawn’s eyes widen with the panic that proceeds an unquestionable blunder.

“Chief –” 

“In.”

“Chief, I really, really don’t think –”

“Inside my house. Now.”

He’s certainly uncoordinated enough that he doesn’t put up much of a fight. Karen herds him  through the door as firmly as possible and leads them in a beeline past Richard’s office toward the bathroom, ignoring the reedy stream of consciousness that spills out of Shawn’s mouth as they go.

“Oh, hey, woah, it’s been like forever since I was in here. Did you redecorate? I swear that lamp wasn’t there the last time we visited. It could be the tacos I had earlier, but I’m sensing a distinct neo-modern Chinese aesthetic going on here, Chief, which calls to mind the merits of cultural appreciation in suburban home decor – hey, is that your husband’s office? Can I meet him? Is he home? That man is a true enigma to us, Chief, and it’s leading me to believe that he must possess all the facial and personality qualities of the pop superstar Mr. Pitbull Worldwide –”

Richard is home, actually, and Karen needs to alert him to the fact that they have an unexpected house guest, so, ignoring Shawn completely, she calls out,

“Honey? Shawn Spencer’s here for a couple minutes about a work thing! I’ll go up to put Iris to bed in a second!” in the finely-honed There Are Many Layers Of Complicated To This secret married tone that Richard should probably be able to catch through the closed office door. 

“Alright,” floats out her husband’s pleasant voice. “Tell him hi from me.”

Perfect. There’s about a ninety-three percent chance he understood.

They make it to the bathroom, only stumbling slightly. Shawn says,

“-- or The Rock. Does your husband look like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson? I really think that would make so many things about the Chief Vick family make sense –”

Karen closes the bathroom door with a snap and crosses her arms.

“Sit,” she says, in a voice that even he knows brooks no argument.

Shawn does. He looks – well, beyond uncomfortable, and more than a little bit miserable, and probably closer to completely dissociating than either of them are prepared for. Karen wonders belatedly if he's gotten any sleep at all in the last forty-eight hours.

“I’m assuming you have not been to the hospital.”

He gives her a baleful look, like he really expected better of her. She only just stops herself from rolling her eyes in response. And there’s that huge goose egg on his forehead, too. What, exactly, he got up to in between Carlton’s wedding reception and oh-eight-hundred hours this morning Karen has no idea, but he looks like someone’s run him through the world’s most aggressive industrial tumble dry cycle and spat him mercilessly back out. 

Or maybe over with a truck.

Sending a silent prayer to the universe that Iris never hit puberty and remains a sweet-tempered six-year-old forever, Karen gets to business.

“Well, I had to at least ask. Shawn. Does it need stitches?” He mumbles the answer the first time, and then looks beyond startled when she grabs him under the chin so he’ll look her in the eye. “Listen. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. But you’re going to tell me the truth. Got it?”

Shawn grimaces so hard at her words it’s almost a flinch. 

“No,” he says finally, clearly enough that she hears him. Karen raises an eyebrow. “No, I don’t think it needs stitches,” he articulates, but doesn’t meet her eye.

“Hm. Alright. I have gauze and tape in the medicine cabinet. Can I … is it alright if I pull up the sleeve of your t-shirt?”

Released from her hold, he groans and presses his face into one palm. “Chief –”

“I don’t really know what you expected, coming here! It’s not like I’m any less of a hardass than your father.”

“Yeah, but I can bitch back at my dad,” Shawn says, sounding like he’s finally realizing the magnitude of his mistake. Karen smiles grimly.

“Tough. Now pull your shirt up while I get the first aid kit.”

While Shawn proceeds to wrestle awkwardly with his t-shirt in a muted shuffle against the toilet seat, Karen rummages efficiently through the cabinet and eyes him through the bathroom mirror. He seems oddly reluctant to expose himself. In fact, in a stark contrast to his usual insistence on making his presence and contributions as obtrusively obvious as possible, Shawn seems intent on shrinking into the aforementioned Asian-flavored floral wallpaper (which does need an update, unfortunately) with all the equanimity of an anxious chameleon. Karen feels her eyebrows crease. Taking the first aid kit in hand, she brings it over and deposits it into his arms, ignoring his small startle.

“How about you hold that,” Karen says. Shawn does, against his chest, like a pillow. She walks around him and surveys the damage, antiseptic gauze in hand.

He wasn’t lying about the severity, at least. It’s a shallow thing, already mostly congealed, and has only stained his shirt in a small smattering spot of crusty brown blood.

Karen swabs at it with the alcohol using light careful fingers.

“Ow, ow ow ah –”

“Don’t be such a baby. It’s hardly a life-threatening injury.”

“Super insightful, Chief,” Shawn snaps, as genuinely sarcastic as he’s probably ever been with her, “never thought of that myself. Totally the reason why I just had to go to the hospital.”

He doesn’t pull away, but she can feel the tension radiating through his back. She blinks, one eyebrow crawling up her forehead. 

Alright then. So that’s how it’s going to be. 

“I’m assuming your father doesn’t know about this,” she says.

Shawn grunts, noncommittal. Huh. Maybe he does know, then, and has just been disallowed from doing anything about it right now.

She tosses the first used antiseptic wipe into the trash.

Goddamn four dimensional chess.

She supposes she’s never been bad at the game. She may as well work her way backwards through the moves: Guster, the most obvious node in Shawn’s turn-to-in-a-crisis-system, would never voluntarily abandon his friend in a time of need, so Karen assumes that whatever this is has either already included his support or not been made known to Gus at all yet. Henry’s likely exhausted his own usefulness in the situation, and Detective O’Hara is …

Karen has to work very hard for her hands not to pause in a way that gives away her hard-earned mental sleuthing. A bad feeling wholly unrelated to her ill-advised hangover of the day before begins to bloom at the back of her gut.

“You have really small hands, Chief.”

Shawn’s voice is notably more subdued than before.

“Do I?” 

“They’re like … little kangaroo hands. Like the mom kangaroo from Whinnie the Pooh.”

“Didn’t you know?” Karen says, not unkindly. “They’re given out at the hospital when all first-time moms leave with their baby.”

He lets out a tired little laugh, more boyish than he probably means it to be, and in spite of herself Karen feels her heart clench. She isn’t blind. In all her last seven years as the leader of their chaotic little precinct, she has never seen Juliet O’Hara look as ill as she did yesterday morning. The usually sweet-faced young woman had all the pallor of a Victorian ghost, and stood so far away from Shawn in any given room that to an unassuming observer he might have had the plague.

There are only a handful of things, Karen thinks, that could have invited that particular evolution in their dynamic. She rips the surgical tape from its canister a little bit more harshly than is strictly necessary and fights the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose between her fingers.

“So,” she says conversationally, laying the tape down in neat, gentle little strips, trying not to pinch the wound too tightly. “Any fun plans for the evening?”

Shawn sniffs. She can see him gripping his hands together over his knee from where she stands above him.

“Um, yeah, uh –” he clears his throat, “you know me, Chief. We’re working our way through a Robert Guillame marathon, which means some good old fashioned Benson, running commentary on the quality of that child acting, naturally.”

“Naturally.” 

“Then Gus and I were gonna hit up the new, the new chili cheese joint up by Hermosa, you know – they’re doing sliders –”

“Chili cheese sliders?” Karen hums, contemplative.

“Buy ‘em by the pound,” Shawn agrees. “Then I was thinking of getting a tattoo, maybe a belly button piercing, I’ve been really – really needing a change – would you let Iris get one, if she asked?”

“A tattoo?” Karen clarifies, cutting off the next piece of tape. The skin around the cut is warm to her touch but Shawn’s arms have goosepimpled. The hair at the back of his head sticks up unstyled, like he slept weirdly and couldn’t be bothered to fix it come morning.

“Of a marmoset. That’s what I’m thinking. With distinctly effeminate vibes.”

“Well, Dick hates marmosets. So I’d probably encourage her toward something else. Perhaps a sea lion.”

“Like Shabby.” The nervous note has bled into his legs again, and his earlier subdued tone has gone back to sounding strained. “Yeah, that’ll – that could be it.”

“All in one night, huh?” Karen says.

“I –” Shawn doesn’t even hiss when she presses down with a cotton gauze to cover the last of the thickened blood. His legs are properly jittering again. “I was – yeah, y-you know me, Chief, total night owl.”

“Shawn?”

“Yeah?”

“What about going home?”

Silence. Shawn doesn’t answer for a moment long and pregnant enough that Karen wonders if her question will be ignored entirely. 

Then,

“Chief,” he says finally, in an awful, tiny little voice, “I really, really fucked up.”

Finally, her hands do falter in their ministrations; as emotionally exuberant as Shawn often is, she doesn’t think she’s ever actually heard him close to tears. For a horrible moment she wonders if Shawn Spencer will suddenly start crying atop her toilet seat for reasons neither of them are capable of discussing honestly. Then she wonders if her horror makes her a terrible boss.

Boss – mother – person.

Oh, dear.

She sets down the surgical tape and lays a ginger palm over the newly-bandaged gouge in his shoulder. It’ll probably scar, but not at all badly. She doesn’t like to think about the far more obvious one just below, puckering in a violent yet unassuming divot. Another narrow miss for Henry’s boy. 

At this point there are so many of them to count, Karen has to question the statistical likelihood of the whole thing. Becoming a mathematical anomaly is, Karen can attest with confidence, not exactly the future the Lieutenant Spencer she knew dreamed of for his increasingly unmanageable teenager. 

Doing what he loved, on the other hand – absolutely. Being with a person he loved, even more so. Karen grits her teeth at the irritating web she’s spent the last six years constructing around herself and wonders if this evening right here is some kind of cosmic karma for leaving Iris in the care of nannies for the first three years of her life.

That sounds like the kind of thing those horrible parenting magazines and Karen’s mother-in-law would claim, anyway.

“Shawn,” she says slowly, because she has to at least knock this possibility off the list before risking her career in an attempt to mediate her detectives’ love lives, “did you … you weren’t – unfaithful, were you?”

“What?!” 

Shawn yanks his shoulder away and whirls around to face her with such a look of horrified betrayal on his face that it’s almost comical. 

“No!” 

Thank fucking God, Karen thinks. Aloud, she says,

“Well, I’m sorry, I had to at least ask!”

“No! No! What the hell, Chief!”

“Oh would you be quiet! I’m gathering my evidence here!”

“How could I – I would never – you’d even think that I could –”

“I know! Shawn, for God’s sake –” He’s scrambled to his feet in the cramped bathroom space, glaring, and has probably messed up all that surgical tape in the process. The half open first aid kit and his crumpled shirt press lopsided against his front and her garbage can is now full of oxidizing bits of cotton. Karen officially gives in to the urge to press her palms against her forehead. “I had to ask!” she repeats finally. “You and I both know you’re not gonna give me much else to work with, and you sounded so – so sad!” 

Shawn barks out a hysterical little laugh. Karen almost growls in frustration. 

“I am not going to risk all the very hard-earned rules I have in place without knowing for sure that my instincts aren’t wrong. Is that so hard to appreciate?”

Does it count as sound police work when the framework for your investigation is an unacknowledged lie? Karen doesn’t really know. Probably there’s another math metaphor to be made in there (you screwed your proof from the very beginning, maybe, Richard the professor would definitely have thoughts), or just a straight up joke. How to solve a case that’s cold before it ever has the chance to go live; a cover-up if she ever saw one. Unlikely that O’Hara will peep a word, and things will be a true mess for a few weeks, if she can’t make an educated guess about it. And no one will be explaining anything to Carlton, either …

Right before their goddamn audit, Karen thinks, aggrieved. She wonders if Henry considered this in his calculus. Send Shawn over, have her deal with him. Offer a huge unspoken you’re gonna be walking into a shitstorm tomorrow canary for her perennially chaotic mess of a coal mine. 

She can’t help but feel begrudgingly grateful, but that doesn’t mean she and he won’t be having words about this later.   

“Jesus, Karen,” Shawn mutters, pressing his face back into his free hand. Karen shakes her head and squares her shoulders.

“Well then! Back to the issue. You fucked up.”

“You know what? I can’t talk about this with you.”

“Oh, Mr. Spencer, I assure you I am more than well aware.”

Shawn blinks at her between his fingers, looking genuinely confused for the first time since he showed up at her door. 

Karen does not bother to clear up his confusion; it’s better this way, anyhow.

“Will you be sleeping at Gus’s place or your father’s?” she asks, crossing her arms.

“I’m – I don’t –” Shawn doesn’t meet her eye. The earlier thread of anxiety is back. “I wasn’t …”

So, neither. 

“Put your shirt back on,” she says. “We’re relocating to the living room.”

“Chief –”

“That was an order, Mr. Spencer.”

The living room is as quiet and mundane as it was an hour ago. It’s past Iris’s bedtime – she’ll have to go up, and soon at that. Karen seats her guest, retrieves a mug and a bag of chamomile from the kitchen, and removes the fluffy throw blanket from the basket behind the couch on her way back in. He’s deflated completely by the time the tea and blanket are set in front of him. Small and exhausted. Caught. It’s a horrible way to think about it. But she can’t avoid the hundred yard stare – Karen has seen it one too many times in people only just realizing they’re about to go away for life.

“Shawn,” she says, firm as she can make it. “Drink the tea. You’re dehydrated.”

“I’m … what?”

“Your lips are dry. You shouldn’t be dehydrated with a concussion.”

He doesn’t say anything for a minute, and Karen suddenly wonders if he’s going to get up and leave. She has experience with these things – she knows a runner when she sees one.

“I might as well have,” Shawn finally whispers.

She doesn’t catch it the first time. “What?”

“I – I might as well ha – Chief, I …” Deep shuddering breaths. He’s finally shutting down, she realizes. She can’t send him back out like this; Henry would give her the stink eye for a month.

Goddamn Spencers and their goddamn irritating overcomplicated lives.

Karen pushes the tea directly into his hands and tilts her chin so she can meet Shawn’s eye. He’s still lucid enough that she doesn’t think he’ll start hyperventilating, but now that the outrage and adrenaline has worn off, the symptoms of shock are pretty hard to miss. “Shawn,” she says again, and wills for him to understand.

“What if she – what if I never –” He can’t get the full sentence out. He looks at her, eyes wide and terrified.

Life sentence, Karen thinks again. The messy stack of files Shawn brought over sits almost unimportantly on the coffee table between them and a memory comes to her, unbidden, of words penned carefully in the corner of a modified police report that she pulled the minute the door closed on the McCallum case seven years ago. 

Date: May 4th, 1995. Reporting Officer, Spencer, Lt. H. Perpetrator a caucasian male, brown hair, five foot nine, insists on wearing those stupid earrings just to spite me. What the hell do you want me to write here, Chief? Spent two hours in the fucking principal’s office convincing them not to expel him one month off from graduation. All that effort, and I still booked the kid. It’s gonna follow him for life, and it’s gonna be me that did it to him. For life. You think he’ll ever forgive me? He’s the greatest thing in my pathetic little world and he keeps breaking my heart, and I can’t even properly accept that it’s my fault. 

How’s that for a fucking crime.

She needs to go put her daughter to bed. It’s the thought that keeps running through her head, oddly enough, like a strange antidote to the impotent anger and heartbreak and frustration she’s feeling for the people under her care.

With all the notes she took in that little workbook, she still let herself become complicit in the painstaking, convoluted resolution of Henry’s mistakes without accounting for all the variables.  

Richard’s footsteps sound muffled in the next room; he’s made his way upstairs in Karen’s absence. She needs to go. She wants to hear the soft and sleepy love you Mama that with her unpredictable hours and regular long nights isn’t nearly routine enough.

“Shawn,” she says evenly. “Do you love her?”

It’s hard to reconcile the smarmy kid who tried to barter with her for twelve hundred a day with the devastated young man sitting on the couch in front of her.

“Chief …” he starts, barely above a whisper.

“Good. Then she’ll see that. Detective O’Hara is a smart and observant woman. What she chooses to do next is her decision, but … you might be – well, comforted by the fact that she’ll know that – truth.”

Shawn stares at her. The tea steams in front of him, cooling in increments. She takes a deep breath and gets to her feet, patting his uninjured shoulder brusquely. 

“I have to go check on Iris. When I come back down, I can drive you to the Psych office.”

Iris is fast asleep when she gets there. A library book lays open face down over her stomach, and her soft brown hair fans out against the pillow, silhouetted by the soft glow of the unicorn nightlight in the wall above her. Karen turns off the bedside lamp, tucks her daughter in, and kisses her forehead. Just before she leaves, she hears it: murmured, half-awake.

“Love you, Mama.”

“I love you too, baby.”

Karen goes back to her living room, car keys in hand. She’s planned her next move in the driver’s seat enough times throughout her career that it shouldn’t be too hard. 

[funhouse-mirror-barbie]

The Decay of Complex Characters and Character Development in Helluva Boss (Stolas and Octavia’s Relationship: Part 2 of 2)

Part 1 here

I felt I had to make separate part just for “Seeing Stars” because my other post was getting way too long, and I wanted to really focus on the treatment of Stolas and Octavia’s by the writers.

Please know that this is JUST my opinion and not a personal attack on HB’s writers or creators. I’m talking and venting a bit about my personal frustrations with the series regarding what I perceive as being MAJOR plot holes and inconsistencies in the show’s writing.

As of right now—and I do want to acknowledge this could change, but as of right now—it largely seems like any character development Stolas may have gone through after “Loo Loo Land” has been completely tossed out the window.

I personally believe that the writers of Helluva Boss think that they are writing Stolas to be more complex, but he has yet to have to actually be held accountable for his actions, and for breaking his promises to Octavia.

And the way the writers present him has really come to bother me. So I wanted to talk more about it, and about how Stolas cannot become a well-written, complex, and engaging character until the writers let him actually be imperfect and complex.

To talk about this more in depth, I gotta go over the second episode that features Octavia, Season 2, Episode 2 of Helluva Boss—“Seeing Stars”

(TLDR at the end)

To start, “Seeing Stars” is narratively very similar to “Loo Loo Land”. By “very similar” I mean that it’s almost the exact same plot, but frustratingly more clunky. Here is an extremely short summary:

The main crux of the conflict in “Seeing Stars” is that Stolas forgot about a promise he made to Octavia to go see a meteor shower, and ends up neglecting her.

Specifically, he forgets because he is too busy yelling at Stella over the phone due to their contentious divorce. Octavia feels let down by her father again, and runs away to the human realm to see the meteor shower on her own.

Stolas and I.M.P. panic and go after her. Eventually Loona finds her and gives her a speech that essentially boils down to: “everyone’s got hardships and problems but Dads ESPECIALLY have problems. Your Dad is trying really hard right now. So that should count for something right?”

And that comforts Octavia in the moment. Octavia and Stolas reunite, he asks her why she ran away, and she tells him she was trying to see the meteor shower he promised to take her to. Stolas is horrified that he’d forgotten, starts to apologize, but Octavia cuts him off and tells him “it’s okay”, forgiving him.

I rewatched “Seeing Stars” before making this post to make sure I hadn’t misremembered any crucial plot points.

I thought I remembered that, at the very end of the episode, Stolas apologized to Octavia for breaking his promise and then she told him it was okay.

It turns out I had misremembered things, because the writers literally kept Stolas from saying sorry.

This leads to the main criticism I have of Stolas as a character, especially from a writing standpoint. The narrative does not allow for Stolas to ever truly be in the wrong, or for anyone, including Stolas, to fully acknowledge that he is in the wrong.

And I know that it’s easy to go “BUT LOOK! Octavia says “I know, Dad”! She KNOWS that Stolas is sorry.

That’s fair, but for me personally, I think an EARNEST and verbal apology is needed here to show that Stolas has grown.

I’m very lucky in that I have a good relationship with my parents, but that doesn’t mean we never fought or they never said or did things that hurt me.

I distinctly remember a time when my Mom was apologizing to me for something she did, I said “it’s okay” and she immediately replied “No, it’s not okay. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry, and I hope you can forgive me”.

That really changed my perspective on conflict. I think a lot of people, including myself until then, consider “it’s okay” to be a form of saying “I forgive you”. And I’m not trying to police like…basic language and substitute words. But I DO strongly believe in taking responsibility for when you hurt someone.

In all honesty, I think this scene actually could have worked for Stolas’ character development if he had actually acknowledged that, “No, it’s not. It’s not okay that I broke my promise to you. I’m sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, but if you can’t right now, I understand.”

THAT, to me, shows character development. That would’ve shown that Stolas is, at the very least, trying to make an actual effort to change for the sake of Octavia.

Instead, though, SHE apologizes Stolas for running away to try and see the meteor shower that HE promised to take her to. And the writers refuse to even let Stolas say he’s sorry.

Let Stolas say he’s sorry, writers! Let Stolas be in the wrong!!! I promise it won’t make people hate his character!

I mean, jfc, just look at the fandom around Hazbin’s Valentino. That guy could not be more evil if he tried and a lot of fans can’t seem to get enough of him.

My other issue with the treatment of Octavia in this episode, SPECIFICALLY the speech that Loona gives Octavia near the end.

Because. Oof. There’s a lot to unpack. Firstly:

Maybe it’s just me, but I find the way the writers have Loona frame this situation as being really really weird. To be clear, I don’t think it starts off too badly. Everyone DOES have issues, and that can affect the way they act and treat others and make mistakes.

That said, dads are not inherently more messed up or dealing with more difficulties than anyone else.

Dads have issues the same as any other person, but they don’t get special privileges or passes because they’re dads. They’re responsible for themselves like every other person with issues and difficulties, and they’re still responsible for themselves and their mistakes.

It’s especially frustrating because the writers are using Stolas’ “issues” as a crutch to excuse their bad behavior. This happens a lot with writers trying to excuse or justify their character’s actions. The “issues” can be anything from a difficult childhood, relationship troubles or divorce, a traumatic experience, etc. but these things should never be used as a way to excuse a character’s every mistake and flaw.

Effective writing will use a character’s history to explain the reasons a character acts or behaves a certain way, not excuse that behavior. This leads to characters that the audience can become more invested in, and can form different opinions or interpretations about.

A really great example of this is Bojack Horseman, whose terrible upbringing and abuse definitely garner audience sympathy, but the writers never use this to as a justification for the Bojack’s behaviors. Bojack continually makes really terrible choices that hurt the people he cares about the most, and while we as the audience still sympathize with him to an extent, we still get frustrated with Bojack, and be disappointed by him.

The audience finally gets some catharsis from this frustration when Bojack is called out by his best friend Todd for this, after he finally breaks any remaining trust in their friendship with the following quote:

“You can’t keep doing this! You can’t keep doing shitty things, and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better! [Bojack apologizes and then continues to make excuses] …BoJack, stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you. It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened in your career, or when you were a kid—It's you. Alright? It's you. Fuck, man. What else is there to say?”

In my opinion, Helluva Boss’ writers seem to be determined to write the exact opposite of this sentiment.

The writers frame Loona’s speech to Octavia as a heartwarming moment—a moment where Loona helps Octavia realize that Stolas cares about her and is trying his best, so Octavia should cut him some slack.

This is, quite frankly, a BAFFLING scene because Loona’s behavior for the ENTIRE EPISODE is her assaulting and yelling at her dad. Like, she has given Blitzø absolutely NO slack before this moment, and then doesn’t give him any in the scene DIRECTLY after this, where she assaults him again while he’s in the middle of apologizing to her.

Not only is it odd to have Loona tell Octavia all of this and then not act on it herself, but the whole scene really reads as the writers trying to sweep Octavia’s very valid and real feelings of hurt over her father’s neglect under the rug.

And look. Trying to be better can be important. Trying to change and be better IS worthy of being acknowledged. But at a certain point, as Todd points out to Bojack, you have to actually be better.

In part 1, I talked about how the end of “Looloo Land” had set things up for Stolas to start being more conscientious of Octavia’s feelings and needs. He took the first step of making amends with her, of listening to her and her concerns and fears.

“Seeing Stars” was an episode that could have shown him being better. But instead. Well.

In her speech to Octavia Loona says this:

And to be fair, Loona didn’t know what hijinks Stolas and Blitzø were getting up to in the city. She probably did think Stolas was looking for her.

…Except…he kind of wasn’t…

During the search for Octavia, Blitzø gets mistaken for a famous Hollywood actor, and he and Stolas are essentially kidnapped to be in a sitcom. When this first happens, Stolas is anxious, clearly upset that there search has been further impeded:

He’s scared that Octavia could be in danger, or hurt. Stolas seemingly wants to find her as soon as possible.

Well. Once they get to the Hollywood sitcom shoot, the following scenes happen:

STOLAS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???? YOU JUST SAID THAT YOU DIDNT HAVE TIME FOR THIS ??? BLITZØ DIDNT EVEN WANT TO PERFORM, AND YOU MADE HIM! WHY?!?! YOU DONT OWE THESE PEOPLE ANYTHING? THE TV PRODUCER EVEN LEFT THE ROOM BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED, NO ONE WAS KEEPING YOU THERE!!!

WHY ARE YOU INVESTED IN THIS AND WORRIED ABOUT THE AUDIENCE NOT LAUGHING?!?! STOLAS YOU LITERALLY JUST SAID YOUR DAUGHTER COULD BE IN DANGER IN THE VAN, WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY SO CONCERNED WITH MAKING BLITZØ ACT IN THIS SITCOM???? STOLAS YOU DONT KNOW WHERE YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER IS?!?!?

I just…I’m sorry, I just think this episode is so so clunky and so poorly written. I think it may be one of the episodes with the least consistent character writing.

The scene continues, Stolas gets distracted by how attractive he finds Blitzø, and Blitzø acts in the sitcom for so long that even Stolas looks bored and out of it.

At this point in the story, he doesn’t know where his daughter is, if she’s hurt, or in danger, or even why she ran away in the first place. But instead of that taking the absolute top priority for him, he takes time to watch Blitzø make bad jokes in a wig for the whole afternoon.

Stolas isn’t even the one to get them out of the Hollywood studio, Blitzø is. Blitzø has a panic attack about the thought of Loona being taken from him during the sitcom shoot, and that’s what sparks them escaping.

The two escape the studio and meet up with Octavia and Loona, and the episode ends with Octavia apologizing for running away, and Stolas not having to apologize to her for his mistakes because Octavia already knows he’s sorry.

In Part 1, I talked about how at the end of “Loo Loo Land”, the writers set up the building blocks for Stolas’s character development in regards to his relationship with Octavia. S1 E2 of Helluva Boss ends with Stolas listening to his daughter, realizing his actions hurt her, and acting like he’s going to start putting her first.

“Seeing Stars” undoes all of that development. Which wasn’t even that much character development in the first place. Just the kicking off point for Stolas’ growth as a character.

Reviewing this episode made me realize that Stolas’ character development may have actually regressed. He doesn’t keep his promise to Octavia, he starts flirting with Blitzø when he should be looking for her, and wastes valuable time fucking around with Blitzø on a sitcom set.

And listen, I KNOW that Blitzø got Loona to look for Octavia right after he and Stolas got kidnapped by the tv producers. But after they get out of the Van, WHY does Stolas just continue to go along with it? He was so concerned and scared for Via before, wouldn’t he want to get back to looking for her as soon as possible?? And have as many people as possible working on finding her???

Blitzø doesn’t even want to go on the sitcom and for some reason Stolas makes him! The tv producer had left the room at that point too, and Stolas is a DEMON PRINCE, no one was keeping them there!

Stolas gives the reason for Blitzø needing to perform to be “so they can get back to looking for Via” but they can just do that without having to be in the sitcom?

I think the writers might have written dramatic irony into the story without meaning to? Loona tells Octavia that “[Stolas is] down there. Looking for you”, but we as the audience know that’s not true. Stolas wasn’t looking for his daughter. He was watching Blitzø star in a bad sitcom for 5 hours.

This becomes extra frustrating and gut-wrenching for me when I think about Octavia right before Loona’s speech about how “dads are special and have it extra extra bad and try extra extra hard and that’s super important, even if they fuck up and hurt you”

This scene is absolutely heartbreaking to me. This is a 17 year old girl who has been repeatedly let down by one of the people she looked up to and relied upon the most, who rightfully feels abandoned and like she no longer has a home.

Specifically the line “Why does he hate [my mum] more than he loves me?” hits extra hard.

I don’t know what it’s like to have divorced parents, but I can imagine that anyone who has may have had this exact thought. Octavia needs support more now than ever, and keeps getting let down by the adults around her, and it just breaks my heart to see this young vulnerable girl not really have anyone who acknowledges that what Stolas did was hurtful. That it wasn’t okay, and that she’s allowed to be upset about it.

The reason she exists in the story isn’t to be her own person and to have character development of her own. She exists just to be Stolas’ daughter, and to forgive him for his wrongdoings and make him seem like a “good” person because even though he has issues, he still loves her! That makes him a good dad!

And I don’t know how Octavia is broadly accepted in the HB fandom, but I’ve heard that she may not be liked very well, and I don’t understand how anyone could see this scene and think she’s annoying or terrible.

Honestly, I would NOT be as frustrated and disappointed by the writing in this episode, if the writers and the fandom at large didn’t treat this episode like it had a heartwarming and satisfying resolution. If the writers treated Stolas as a complex person who is able to make mistakes, and who still really needs to own up to his actions and take responsibility for his broken promises, I would probably like him a lot more as a complex and nuanced character.

But the way the writers frame Stolas as being in the right, or being the victim, or being fully justified in all his actions isn’t just bad writing. It’s boring. Stolas is a boring character because the writers do not allow him to be in the wrong, to be morally ambiguous or dark, or to be called out or held accountable for his mistakes.

The writers MAY somehow undo the damage they already did in “Seeing Stars”, but given the way that the writers, show creators, and fandom go out of their way to excuse any morally grey, questionable, or harmful decisions Stolas makes, I’m not going to hold my breath.

TLDR:

-Despite Octavia being hurt by Stolas again, the writers refuse to put him in any situation where he’s held accountable for his mistakes

-The writers use Stolas’ “issues” to excuse away his bad behavior. And specify that Octavia should cut Stolas some slack because he’s a dad and being a dad is extra hard I guess?

-the framing of the episode acts like Stolas did everything in his power to look for Octavia when he clearly didn’t (he was goofing off with Blitzø)

-Stolas is ultimately uninteresting and not engaging as a character because the writers go out of their way to excuse his behavior and mistakes even when he’s in the wrong.

-Stolas cannot be a complex character if he is always absolved of the consequences of his actions and is not allowed by the writers to be better (in my opinion)

Also sidebar—WHY DID HE NOT CALL OCTAVIA ON HER PHONE!?!

In the VERY first episode of HB Stolas is LITERALLY INTRODUCED TO US by calling Blitzø on his phone and watching Blitzø in the human world from hell, without the use of his Grimoire!! HE HAS THE POWER TO DO THAT!!!

I was like, maybe Octavia didn’t have her phone for a SECOND before remembering that LOONA FINDS OCTAVIA BY LOOKING AT THE PICTURES SHES POSTING TO SOCIAL MEDIA WITH HER PHONE.

Like Stolas do you not know ur own daughters phone number. AND YOURE GIVING BLITZØ A HARD TIME ABOUT NOT KNOWING MOXXIE’S?? Also when Blitzø is in danger you can pinpoint his exact location, travel to the human world without the grimoire terrify and reveal your existence to MULTIPLE humans with absolute disregard for being discovered, but when your OWN DAUGHTER is missing and you have NO idea why or if she’s in danger, suddenly you have time to run around LA for a day getting into shenanigans???? She’s your DAUGHTER. No wonder she doesn’t think you care about her because I sure as hell don’t after that episode. Lord.

[missholland]

Farewell, a place once called home!

I was homebound this week for an illness recovery, and thought it was the perfect time to rewatch one of my ultimate comfort shows: The Untamed.

Some people watch stuff once. Some people religiously rewatch their favs because they discover something new each time. I'm certainly part of the latter clan, and I cannot believe I never wrote about Wei Wuxian (WWX)'s post-resurrection return to Lotus Pier before.

The second half of episode 45 throughout episode 46 is quite a journey on its own right: the setting, the aesthetics, the dialogue, the emotional weight as one of the biggest secrets finally came to surface.

A very long rambling analysis ahead so bear with me!

Considering the latter half of episode 45 was mostly consumed with Si Si and Bi Cao exposing Jin Guangyao (JGY)'s dark past, there were only a couple of Lotus Pier moments that worth mentioning.

As WWX and Lan Wangji (LWJ) walked through the entrance of Lotus Pier, I was immediately taken back to what WWX said to LWJ in episode 6 when they were healing their injuries in the Cold Spring. WWX asked LWJ to come visit him in Lotus Pier one day, and I bet the circumstance they eventually found themselves in episode 45 was far from what WWX thought the visit would have been like.

Let's also take another step back to episode 34, where Jiang Cheng (JC) interrogated WWX. WWX admitted that he wanted to go back to Lotus Pier even in his dream, but at the time, he had probably given up all hopes of ever making that come true.

What else is there? His master and madam died, his disciple elder sister Yanli died, he got expelled from his own clan. It was virtually impossible to prepare WWX for the event of episode 45 where he actually got to walk into Lotus Pier again.

Let's now cruise into the main event - episode 46! Fed up with how the big clan meeting went following the revelation of JGY's wrongdoings, WWX and LWJ stepped away from the front room and made their way around Lotus Pier. They were likely just wandering around at the time, as their concentration was totally occupied with finding out who might be the mastermind trying to expose JGY. Then again, it might as well be WWX's muscle memory as they somehow ended up right in front of the ancestral hall.

Despite initial hesitation, WWX eventually decided to come in and paid respect to his Master, Madam and Yanli along with LWJ. It's not the first time we saw this incredibly tranquil and beautiful room. It really was WWX's most frequently visited room, whether it was being punished by Madam Yu (story apparently travelled all the way to Gusu) or having heartfelt conversation with Yanli. WWX telling LWJ his childhood stories inside the ancestral hall was probably the most mundane sequence during this whole ordeal, and a small moment of normality for WWX before our resident killjoy JC walked in.

Yes JC, we know it's your house but surely yelling in the middle of the ancestral hall whether your family was resting in peace isn't a very good idea? Our WWX certainly didn't expect any less from all the unpleasantness coming out of JC's mouth, as since forever he only let his anger do the speaking and not the common sense. LWJ was ready to have a showdown, but WWX calmly told him to stand down and let it go.

But did JC let it go too? Of course not. He was irritated by WWX's calmness and tried to spill some more frustration to get the other to react. He clearly picked the right route to go down on by picking on LWJ and Wen Ning (WN). Worse, he proceeded to single out LWJ and insulted his commitment to WWX.

That prompted WWX to yell out JC's courtesy name Jiang Wanyin, a name we didn't hear very often throughout the show but in this instance it was most memorable, especially coming from WWX. That itself drew a clear boundary in their relationship at that moment, from brothers to mere acquaintances in the cultivation world.

WWX wasn't afraid to ask a proud JC to apologise, but all JC was gonna do is pushing the button even more. He took a very personal swipe at their confidant/soulmate-ship that led WWX to, quite uncharacteristically, violently held JC's collar.

Our dearest is giving JC what he wants! Although to be perfect honest, I thought it was quite hilarious that JC for whatever reason was confident he could take on both of them. WWX possibly since he wasn't at his finest during that moment, but prime LWJ though...?

Thankfully, WWX looked up and saw Yanli's name. He knew very well it would break Yanli's heart seeing the two of them like this. He's gotta be the bigger person (and fair enough, he's already knackered from being the lure flag for the puppets). As our beloved couple once again tried to leave in peace, JC decided to make it as hard as possible for them. Here he is, triggering LWJ's angry lover protector mode.

I love the swift but determined arm push LWJ did to JC a second after this to get him off WWX, then right away his expression transitioned back into anxious lover worrier mode. LWJ didn't even give JC a second look. He promptly escorted WWX away but was still super alerted to give JC a good old Piss Off for STILL ONCE AGAIN not letting it go.

Let's take a moment to admire this bittersweet yet romantically charged frame before getting the tearfest started.

Now, our sweet baby WN just flew in with WWX's Suibian sword, got a couple of hits from JC's Zidian but was still determined to stand tall and asked JC to unseathe Suibian. JC was angry and confused, LWJ was probably also angry and confused, WWX has fainted, so now WN is the only sane one and the voice of reason. His cold lack of reaction (because he wasn't surprised at all) placing next to a shocked pikachu LWJ and confusingly mortified JC was the perfect comparison.

LWJ's face tells me that as soon as he saw JC taking out Suibian, he was already somewhat fearing the reason behind it. He hasn't quite reached the destination yet, but he was on the way. After all, he's one of the most intelligent and knowledgeable characters in the story thanks to his sect's education. His eyes made it look like he was holding on a tiny glimpse of hope that maybe it's not true, maybe it's not the worst case scenario, but it was certainly mixed with fear that it might be.

It's very different from JC who's just completely out of the loop, no hint of any possibility that he might be able to work out what happened. If WN wasn't there to SPELL IT OUT, JC would just remain angry and confused for the rest of the episode.

As JC is still in deep denial, and WN precisely recounted the event on the mountain in great details where JC was tricked to go find Baoshan Wanderer who could fix his core, LWJ only had eyes on WWX. His ears were listening to everything WN said too, but his focus was on WWX while he did his own reflection on how he reacted to WWX abandoning swordsmanship in the past (the same way JC did).

All the burning questions LWJ had inside his head - why WWX no longer carried Suibian, why he made all these excuses to not get back into practicing swords, why he took on crafty tricks, why he had a change in personality and demeanour, why he behaved so strangely after getting Suibian back - they are finally answered. But in the most unimaginably painful and heartbreaking way. LWJ's trembling face and tears scream PAIN, the pain you feel when you know someone you love is in pain, but you are also aware that whatever you feel is only 1/10000 of their actual suffering.

Pain and anger come together time to time, and LWJ has heard enough. He just wanted to get WWX out of here, out of this hell of a truth. He made his feeling known by stamping Bichen loudly on the ground and took WWX away, once and all.

Our baby WN really shined here. He wrapped up this dreadful revelation by daring JC to find anyone who can unsheathe Suibian, but not before hitting him with possibly the last thing any human being as competitive and eager to win like JC wanted to hear - did you know you were supposed to beneath your disciple older brother forever?

WN kept his head down and let out a sigh. He knew he shouldn't have done it since he promised WWX, but that was as much as he knew he had to do so. His guilt toward WWX was starting to hit him, but it was also obvious that a huge burden has been lifted off his shoulders.

We're now getting to the end of WWX's unexpectedly eventful return to Lotus Pier. Without JC's unreasonable pot-stirring screaming, we're finally given a lovely shot of Lotus lake at night with LWJ ensuring WWX's body not leaving his caring touch. I don't think we've had a proper conversation between LWJ and WN up to this point, and what makes it so special is that it's a genuine exchange between the only 2 people left who deeply care about WWX - a lonely anti-hero who's been walking alone on his deeply misunderstood journey for so long that it lasted through 2 lives.

Sweet WN also thanked LWJ for taking care of A Yuan and we got to learn about how LWJ managed to save A Yuan back then. It was sad but heartwarming knowing that WN was content with not disclosing A Yuan's past to him, as he's had a happy childhood and blessed life thanks to LWJ. Although, he acknowledges that eventually A Yuan would find out, just like JC did about his golden core.

Now as the conversation circled back to the golden core swap, LWJ asked WN a question that truly, you only ask when it's about someone you love. 'Is it painful?'. Not 'How did Wen Qing do it', but was it painful for WWX. What was the feeling he had, what was the pain he suffered, what was it like. It's not a sympathy question. It's something you want to know and empathise when your loved one goes through hard time. It's such a deeply specific and personal question, because when the person you love is in pain, you are too. You even want to feel it too, and LWJ is no stranger to that if we recall him leaving the same burn mark on his left chest as WWX had. Shame that this detail was never explained in the show.

As WN described:

'He should be sober enough to see the golden score which connects to the spiritual vein be separated from his body and feel the spiritual power die down little by little, until it is motionless and nothing can be felt'.

You can feel LWJ's pain peak as he was told WWX remained awake for 2 nights and 1 day with only 50% chance of success. As someone who deep down admires his soulmate's talent from a young age, what could be worse than having to hear that his other half had accepted to be mediocre for the rest of his life and never ascend to the top as he could have easily done?

Poor WWX regained conscious and realised where he was. Unsurprisingly, all of his Lotus Pier memories were tied with Yanli and he's overwhelmed by the image of her and flashback of their time together. What is home to WWX, the one who was trying his hardest to grow lotus somewhere as deadly as Burial Mounds? JC was his family, but not anymore. Yanli is no longer around, but till her death, she remained his family. She might have had married into Jin clan, but she embodied everything about Lotus Pier. Yanli is home. Yanli is Lotus Pier.

Seeing Yanli die at Nightless City was saying goodbye to the last person on earth who cared about WWX (or so he forgot about LWJ), which pushed him to giving up on his own life. So is Lotus Pier still home without Yanli? Is there even home without Yanli? WWX was barely treated like a proper guest at Lotus Pier. He was just someone who knew the way around, as home no longer hold the same meaning as it once did.

Lovely WWX was finally jolly again at the possibility of snacking on some tasty lotus seeds he must have missed dearly. Yet his little happiness was seemingly switched off by the rigid rule follower LWJ. If anything I was surprised that WWX agreed to give up the lotus seeds that quickly, of course not without sulking in disappointment.

But all of this only make the following moment even more glorious and poignant: the high and mighty LWJ who grew up obeying 3000 rules at Gusu Lan Sect literally picked a lotus with his own hand and give it to his soulmate, much to his shock and confusion.

At first I thought Well that's the least LWJ could do, has WWX not suffered enough, would a few (hundreds) lotus seeds matter that much. He's been in pain, he needs to be coddled and spoiled till the end of the world! So LWJ willing to break one tiny rule (tiny, comparing to all the others he broke because of WWX already) is a well deserved comfort that WWX needs.

But then it also hit me - it is an example of making compromise in a healthy relationship. WWX used to hold on to his wine and was willing to put up a fight for it, most of the time against LWJ himself. So why was it so easy to him to just have an awkward chuckle and drop the lotus seeds as LWJ didn't want to break a rule?

WWX compromised, as you would in a partnership. You don't have it your way all the time, you work together toward the same goal and there are times you're willing to put your partner's values above your own benefit. WWX, despite not fully happy about the decision, still agreed to give us the lotus as LWJ was uncomfortable. And in return, LWJ was okay with putting WWX's needs above his ingrained principle about 'stealing'. At the end of the day, it's not about winning or losing in a relationship. You win together and you lose together.

We really are spoiled with lotus romance in this episode!

But maybe... just maybe... LWJ doesn't know whether WWX would ever get a chance to return to Lotus Pier. Should this be the last ever opportunity, he would probably rather WWX's final memory of the visit not being JC's anger and resentment. In return, it is a rare carefree moment on Lotus lake, one his WWX's favourite places, eating lotus seeds with the only 2 people who still care so much about him and willing to go to the end of the world for him.

If this is meant to be a farewell to a place WWX once called home, while LWJ couldn't change the unfortunate circumstance that led to this challenging visit, he at least has done his best to give it a drama-free peaceful ending for the person he loves dearly.

[thedrunkenreadersreviews]

Alastor's Villain Era ...

EDIT: It has been confirmed on Alastor's official Hazbin Hotel Wiki page that he was, indeed, having a panic attack.

Fireball seemed fitting.

*Long sip, sip*

Okay, I have had some time to calm down and think about things. I rewatched it all and thought long and hard.

*Sip, sip*

What the heck was going on with Alastor in the finale? Well, I think it is tremendously complicated.

To be honest, I know the popular theory is that via his deal he HAS to be at the hotel probably to defend it. While I want to agree with this theory, I can't put my full faith in it. It is a good theory, a great one, one that I held onto for most of season one. Now I'm not saying I'm dismissing it, rather, I am having doubts.

Because he left after he was hit. And who in their right mind would send Alastor, a deal-making demon, to where Charlie is?

But for the sake of this post, I'm going with the popular theory that he is there because of the deal he made.

*Sip, sip*

But let's look at episode 7 and episode 8 as sort of a package. Viv is the most detailed animator I have ever seen. She puts the smallest details in everything; from the news crawls to Vox's blue screen, Alastor's coffee mug, Adam eating ribs, the pictures in the background of everyone's rooms, like there are so many things that give you more information than what the characters could give you themselves. Nothing is in there just to be there; it is all connected.

*Sip, sip*

Alastor's microphone is an extension of himself and that is made exceptionally clear in episode 8.

In episode 7, he gives Charlie his microphone.

He's slipping. And by that "fuck" moment in episode 8, he knows he is slipping.

I am of the mind that Alastor made that deal with Charlie for future plans regarding breaking his contract. He didn't ask for her soul (not entirely sure, but I have some theories as to why), and then took her to see Rosie.

Rosie, who he considers to be one of his only few friends. And while Charlie, who is going through a rough spot that Alastor is completely aware of, is trying to speak to the crowd, Alastor offers her his microphone---an extension of himself. He gives her a small thumbs up (such a dad move), and builds her up throughout the number.

And when he is alone with Rosie, watching Charlie sing about her stepping up to be the Princess of Hell, this is what they tell each other:

Rosie: They're marching along. They're singing her song!

Alastor: Surprised? Why, I knew she could do it all along!

Both: She's bound to pass the test as Princess of Hell! Like her daddy, she is madly powerful!

Alastor: She's filled with potential that I could guide.

Rosie: I concur!

Both: Stick with her and you'll be on the winning side!

Now let's look at episode 8 and what he says to Niffty, his other close friend:

Alastor: It's been a surprising thrill to witness these wayward souls find connection. It almost makes one sentimental, ay, Niffty?

Niffty: I really like them, Alastor. They let me put on roach puppet shows without booing.

Alastor: Ah, an enjoyable collective to be around. I admit, one could become accustomed.

It should be noted, that he is looking at them from above with his face in his hands, leaning on the rail of a balcony, as if he doesn't feel like he belongs among them ... but almost wants to be.

*Sip, sip*

While I think his verse with Rosie is more about being on Charlie's side for power, he didn't need to give her his microphone. And he was alone with Niffty, he didn't have to put on a front or say anything like that but he did.

*Sip, sip*

It is obvious that they talked battle strategy prior to the fight. Charlie, without question, is the strongest person in the hotel. Even Alastor knows this as he also knows Charlie does not know how to use her powers in such circumstances. So it is decided that he, the second strongest who knows how to use his powers in a battle-way, would go onto the roof of the hotel. It is decided that Alastor will cast the forcefield.

But more than that. After the "fuck" moment, when Charlie sees Adam return to the main melee, she says, "But Alastor was supposed to ..."

Meaning they agreed that Alastor was going to SOLO fight ADAM! That was the arrangement. And Alastor seemed all too happy to agree to it. But this is how he handles beings he knows have superior powers to him.

With Lucifer, he finds something he knows will get under Lucifer's skin.

With Adam, he openly mocks him and for a while, he may think that Adam is too sloppy to really do any damage.

*Sip, sip*

And then ... "ffffffuuck."

And he nearly dies. That wound is not small. Alastor is cut. Bad. And in that moment, when he is on the ground, looking around, manic eyes, that is pure prey behavior. That is pure terror.

Alastor is terrified. Because he got hit. Bad. And he is on the threshold of death.

In the stream before the premier, Amir refused to answer the question of what scares Alastor, saying it would be too much of a spoiler and Viv agreed with him.

Alastor is terrified of dying. He retreats to heal up; granted, after a blow like that, I am not sure he would have been any help should he have lingered. Was it cowardly? Yes. Did it make sense? Absolutely. He is terrified and too badly wounded to push on after that.

*Sip, sip*

And then we hear his verse in the song. And these lyrics, coupled with Amir's fantastic ability to convey so much emotion into Alastor's voice (who needs it the most on account of his permanent grin), and the eyes, the hand placements, his body language, even his smile is off.

Alastor is having a mental breakdown. He is having the mother of all panic attacks. He is on the brink of foaming at the mouth in madness.

Because he knows he is slipping, and this deal is going to get him killed.

He defended that hotel (probably because he was forced to) but also in part because he cares to some extent for the hazbins. At least, he is rather fond of them, as we see when he speaks to Niffty.

And the thought that he is slipping, starting to have emotions, is forced to be there (possibly), and cannot access all of his powers (as is implied in the lyrics of his verse) because of the deal he made, he cannot fathom it. He cannot accept it. It is mentally destroying him.

I got hurt. I got hurt bad. I almost died. I barely escaped. All because of this damn hotel and my damn deal!

The visuals of that scene, from the background and the accompanying music---which is much darker for Alastor's than any of the other character's verses---compounded spectacularly by Alastor's movements show us that he is slipping into madness. He is becoming desperate to be free of his deal, he wants not power per se but security. If enough people are afraid of him, if he has enough power and influence (which is where I think Charlie comes in) then others won't try to hurt him.

*sip, sip*

Alastor's verse starts off somber, him reflecting on the fact that he almost got killed. And then it is shifts into his own mocking.

I do not think he sings, "Great Alastor, altruist, died for his friends," seriously. He says it like it is a headline in a newspaper. And his expression! His eyes are wide and wild, his smile large and somber, his brows are furrowed, he's dragging a hand down his face. He is distraught at the thought of this. Me? Dying for them? No! Not going to happen! I won't let that happen!

And he immediately corrects us and himself for thinking that that is the case. "Sorry to disappoint [us, those watching]. That is not where this ends!" Here, he is angry. He slams his fist into the control panel, draws his claws through it, and emphasizes that not. He is telling us as much as himself that he will not die for such a noble reason. And he is certainly not done in Hell yet, as obvious by his very next line.

"I'm hungry for freedom like never before." His hands are around him---around where he got cut---before spreading outwards. His eyes, the whole time, are on his hands. This deal is suppressing his powers. And this deal probably put him into the hotel. He is looking at his hands as if willing his freedom and his power to come back to him, because if he had them, he wouldn't have nearly gotten killed.

*Sip, sip*

Now is where we truly start to see him slipping into madness.

This deal, this oppression of my powers, and the people I have met because of those two things nearly got me killed! No way in Hell can I accept that.

Alastor is now more desperate than ever.

"The constraints of my deal surely have a back door."

The animators zoom in on his face. His eyes are going all over the place, his hands are approximately covering his ears, his smile is more clenched teeth than anything. It is the purest expression of a panic attack I have ever seen (and as someone who has suffered from panic attacks so severe I had to be hospitalized on numerous occasions), it is spot on. Everything just seems so loud when you are in that bout of excessive worry. You look all over the place for possible dangers, it is difficult to stand up straight (Alastor has been slouching this entire scene when he usually has perfect posture) and you hunt for an answer with such eagerness that your mind runs a million miles a minute trying to find one while also sifting through every possibility of what could go wrong. That is Alastor's expression at that moment. I have seen myself having attacks. It looks exactly like that.

"Once I figure out how to unclip my wings ..."

You don't even see his face anymore. It's a back shot and he's walking toward an ominous green light, the color of his power when it is manifesting. And he is still slouched slightly, still unsteady.

*Sip, sip*

Now here is the tumble.

"Guess [his "ears" are down in airplane mode, guess who is tormenting me right now] who will [now his ears go up and he fully turns around to face us, but I won't be leashed to them for long] be pulling all the strings!"

This is when we see his face again, back to its more calm appearance. That is him telling himself that he will never be put in such a situation again. He is going to be the one moving the pieces, not the other way around. And he slowly comes out of that slouching position as this line progresses. And he lifts his arms up while emerging from the green light is his shadow---his powers---rising with his voice, his body, his eyes too.

*sip, sip*

And what seals it for me is that laugh. That is not the laugh we have heard from Alastor all season. Alastor starts with like a giggle in his throat that bubbles up into something louder and more sadistic. The laugh that we hear at the end of episode 2 is very similar to the one in episode 5 just before he goes on his rampage.

This laugh is manic. It doesn't start as a low giggle in the throat. It is in full volume from the get-go. The only way I can describe it is sort of like a Joker laugh. He is gone.

*Sip, sip*

It is a treat, a true treasure, to see an evil character again. Every time Alastor is on the screen, you really don't know what he is going to do next. Even though he said he is at the hotel to see people fail, I call BS as I think most people do. Sure, that may be just a perk to him, but that is not the main reason. At the end of season 1, we still do not know for sure what Alastor's motivation is. We still don't know beyond getting himself free what is his goal.

That is why he is so incredible to watch. He can go anywhere, he could do anything, and it will surprise us.

I don't think he is leashed to Lilith but there is certainly something there. As for being gone for 7 years, I have a few theories. Lilith apparently made a deal with Adam or Lute or someone, as when Lute tells her that Adam is dead she mentions that their deal is off now. I want to think more on my theories before I post them but the main one is, for whatever reason, I think Alastor was in purgatory for 7 years.

"How to unclip my wings." That's a very interesting choice of lyric and if there is one thing we know for sure about this show, every lyrical line is chosen very carefully.

*Sip, sip*

Well, I think this post is long enough. I see Alastor soon going into a manic rampage. What I wanted most since the trailer for season 1 dropped (based on some of the scenes that were in it) was for Adam and Alastor to fight on the roof of the hotel. And man, even though Alastor lost, I still loved it! It showed us so much about Alastor's character and why he thought he could handle Adam alone. Going into season 2, I want to see Alastor unleashed. Fully unhinged, manic out of his mind, unleashed.

And please, let me know what you guys think! I love reading your comments. It helps me develop new theories too.

As the King Roach himself said in the Pilot:

Stay tuned!

*Sip, sip*

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Why hello! I don’t see why we can’t keep the Top 5 trend alive in the new year so…

From one chronic rewatcher to another, what are your top 5 most rewatched scenes?

Sorry this took so long, @wen-kexing-apologist! I'm just now getting back to posting a bit more regularly after the holidays got me totally off track, and this question brought up a lot of Thoughts so I've been chipping away at it for weeks.

So, um, this is the best question ever. Except it’s the meanest question ever, because I'm terrible at choosing between things like this.

I am a massive rewatcher, whether you’re talking about whole series, episodes, or scenes. Scenes especially. Why watch an entire thing when you can go right for the best part/s and watch them over and over? This is also one of the reasons I have way too many gifs saved on my phone.

I thought about coming up with a list that was based more on what would make a good post, and/or what would make me look less uncool, than what I actually rewatch the most. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to be honest instead. So at the risk of seeming even more like an Utsukare obsessive and overall one-trick pony, I'm going to talk about the five scenes I think I've actually rewatched the most, even though four of them are from my perennial obsession.

The four Utsukushii Kare scenes are in the order they occur in the series, not from most rewatched to least. Then I'll talk about a fifth scene from another series that I've been pretty vocal about appreciating, and I'll mention some runners-up.

“who do you like, him or me?”

If gif posts are any indication—gifs are the smallest increment of rewatching, after all—some of my favorite scenes to rewatch aren’t that popular with other rewatchers. This one gets gif’ed, sure, as you can see. But it's not as popular a choice for this kind of treatment as a lot of other Utsukare scenes.

There are a few reasons this one is a favorite of mine. One is that I tend to like some jealousy in my romance. I have my theories about why it’s so appealing to me specifically, but I’m not entirely sure how to explain it. I also love a good aggressive shirt-grab. (Utsukare certainly delivers these regularly.) But the main reason I keep coming back to this moment is that in just a few sentences, a bunch of character development happens. Well, I guess it would be more correct to call it character revelation. This is the first time we really see this side of Kiyoi, and in that respect, it foreshadows the big perspective shift that’s just around the corner. The viewer picks up a lot of hints that Kiyoi has feelings for Hira prior to this point (even if Hira remains stubbornly oblivious to them). We’ve even seen Kiyoi kiss Hira already (even if he did push him to the ground a split second later). But this is the first time we see such direct evidence of the strength of his feelings for Hira. Kiyoi is so unguarded for this brief moment. The mask slips and what’s underneath is total desperation.

Hira, of course, misses the real meaning of what Kiyoi is saying despite how obvious it is. Which means it's also the viewers’ first indication of how intensely Hira clings to his favored view of reality in the face of evidence to the contrary.

"sorry I like you"

This is another scene where so much is happening in a short span, all because Kiyoi got desperate enough to talk about all of the unspoken bullshit between him and Hira. As usual, Hira doesn’t get it. But he might be starting to. 

This scene is pretty rough watching in some ways. When this episode first aired and it ended with this scene followed by each of them on their own and feeling terrible, I was a bit of a mess. It was silly of me to worry. There were plenty of favorable signs in the preview for the finale. I knew the novels had a happy ending. But it was just so sad and so real that it got to me anyway. But I also enjoyed it, because for an obsessive analyzer like myself, seeing these important relationship dynamics finally come to the surface in such concentrated form was fascinating. It was also a relief to see things out in the open.

Both leads turn in such great performances here. Yagi Yusei really steps up. It’s even more impressive given his relative lack of acting experience. His performance is so raw and affecting. If he had been less vulnerable, Kiyoi’s point about how contradictory Hira’s actions and statements are could seem like a kind of “gotcha” moment designed to win an argument--like he was pointing out that Hira was hypocritical in a bid to score points. Instead, Yagi shows viewers how deeply being caught in this double bind with Hira has hurt Kiyoi. 

Hagiwara Riku, in contrast, portrays Hira as so confused that he’s basically dissociated. Hira has a really strong tendency to see the world in whatever way suits him, regardless of the truth. Kiyoi’s words force Hira to set his usual narrative aside and see how much clinging to it is hurting the person he claims to love, and it throws him off to such an extent that he seems to be experiencing a form of psychomotor slowing. He looks like he’s moving through molasses. He can’t form sentences, or at times, even words. His normally expressive eyes seem like they’ve shrunk to half their normal size. He’s really come unmoored, and it shows. The more I think about Hagiwara’s work in this scene the more impressed I am by the insight and physical control he had to bring to bear in order for it to work. 

Of course, if I watched this scene on its own habitually, this level of blorbo distress might take a toll on my mental health. Which is why I usually follow it up with…

"I'm not going to kiss you for a while"

I’m busting out the bullet points for this one because otherwise it might take me all day.

This scene works on so many levels!

Well, the main ones are:

Relationship progress! Character growth! 

The whole kiss fakeout thing is hot

Hira gets some payback and frankly, he deserves it

The other highlights for me are: 

Even after repeated viewings and knowing very well what happened in the story, I still feel kind of relieved to see that Kiyoi came back, especially right after rewatching the scene prior to this one. 

When Kiyoi asks Hira why he thinks he came home and he says, “to punch me?" he does it in the most weirdly cute way.

Kiyoi’s absolutely lethal snotty face/voice when he responds to the possibility of punching Hira with “maybe” is so perfect that it's hard not to think that Hira might have a point about this whole King deal. 

Hira apologizes and it’s actually sincere and not just some knee-jerk bullshit. 

The way Hira closes his eyes and waits for Kiyoi to smack him is a rare case of him actually letting go and putting himself in Kiyoi’s hands instead of his usual topping-from-the-bottom thing.

More about the kiss fakeout:

Hagiwara does a great job of telegraphing Hira’s expectant response. In scenes where two characters are going to kiss but get interrupted, it's not uncommon to see a kind of hesitation or other subtle signal that the actor knows the kiss isn't going to happen. But there's none of that here. Hagiwara even does this sort of gulp/swallow thing like he thinks the kiss is going to start any moment. When the kiss doesn't materialize, he nails an absolutely pitifiul sad puppy expression.

Kiyoi’s vulnerable voice and facial expression when he explains about the kissing boundary thing is so sincere and cute. Could he be any more different from season 1 episode 1 Kiyoi?

I’ve written about how the no-kissing-until-Hira-takes-Kiyoi-seriously policy might seem like a controlling move or an inappropriate ultimatum to some viewers but it actually better resembles what Harriet Lerner calls a “bottom line,” resulting in a boundary that is not only justifiable but downright healthy…or almost healthy, at least. It's a bit on the extreme side, and the fakeout part remains a little mean. But they're understandable given what Hira has put Kiyoi through. 

Here's my s2e4 writeup that includes that discussion:

“sorry, Kiyoi”

So, I’ve already written quite a bit about this scene. In one instance, I wrote a propaganda blurb when it was in bl brackets’s kiss bracket.

Here's the original blurb I wrote for @bl-bracket when I nominated the scene, as used in the post where people voted:

Hira and Kiyoi Final Kiss: "It’s an important plot point (because Kiyoi has said he won’t kiss Hira until he stops putting him on a pedestal and now Hira is making progress on that front, and because Hira hasn’t initiated physical stuff in the past, and initiating is itself a way of treating Kiyoi more like an equal). It’s also just a really well-acted and effectively shot kiss, and as a result it communicates so much about the characters and shows a side of their relationship not portrayed elsewhere in the show. And of course, it’s super hot. That includes the kind of weird but suggestive details that are typical of the show, like Hira passing candy/candy spit to Kiyoi through the kiss and then switching into this really distinct sexy voice that makes it sound almost as if he’s changing personalities."

And here's an additional, longer propaganda post I wrote to lobby for votes:

One of the points I tried to make in that post about why this scene is special was that it really does represent a leap forward in how both leads portrayed intimacy in this series. Prior to this scene, viewers had seen a dead fish kiss on graduation day, a more intense makeout situation in the season 1 finale that was shot so impressionistically that it was often hard to tell exactly what the actors were doing, and some interrupted kisses earlier in season 2. And then this happened. Here's a quote from what I wrote previously:

Personally, despite being a fan of both actors and thinking they did amazing work on the series, until I saw this scene I really didn't know if they had it in them, if they could actually pull off something that felt real. But they brought it. They're not holding back. As opposed to more stylized kisses you see in BLs and other romance dramas sometimes, I found it very naturalistic, like the way a couple of real kids in their early 20s would kiss.

So, yeah. I thought it showed real growth on the part of the actors as individuals and as a pairing/team.

This scene also caused me to dig deeper, with the help of some very knowledgeable mutuals, into what “persistent” and “cute” mean in a sexual context in Japan. My main post about that is below.

Noticing Hagiwara's use of Hira's "persistent voice" also helped me to notice something else when I checked out his other work, and that is that he often uses his voice in very different ways in different roles. I recently watched a drama he did before Utsukare and I was struck by this all over again. Again, it shows a really impressive degree of control.

And now, for our one non-Utsukare scene in the top 5:

"I'm trying to seduce you"

I also wrote a nomination blurb about this scene for the kiss bracket. (If you're seeing a pattern here, well, yeah, it's a pattern.) The original voting post here but I'll go ahead and quote it in its entirety since it's pretty short.

This kiss is ridiculously hot and is a culmination of so much that’s been simmering beneath the surface for the entire show up to that point. Togawa has been pining so hard for Nozue for so long that when Nozue gives him a glimmer of hope and then tries to leave, everything he’s been bottling up comes surging out. Kimura Tatsunari exudes a level of desperate lustfulness in this scene that’s as intense as anything I’ve seen in any genre. We’re all familiar with the idea that people look at a person’s mouth when they want to kiss them, but Togawa looks at Nozue’s mouth like he dreams about it every night and sees it every time he closes his eyes. No wonder he feels a need to stick his thumb in there. Takeda Kouhei also communicates so much in this scene. Nozue is shocked and confused but he can’t help but respond to Togawa’s kisses. You can see the gears turning—and refusing to turn—as he tries to make sense of what’s happening—and keeps kissing Togawa back even though he still can’t process it. Togawa’s declaration, “I’ve been trying to seduce you, with everything I have,” is the cherry on top.

There's another bit of subtle physical communication here that I find interesting, and I think you might too, @wen-kexing-apologist. Just recently I've been thinking about the meaning, in kissing scenes, of what for lack of a better term I'll call the head-bonk. By this I mean the thing where one person puts their forehead against the other person's, often with at least a tiny bit of an impact that renders it a bonk rather than, like, just touching them together. Togawa kisses Nozue once, then a second time, and then goes in for a third that Nozue avoids by sinking toward the floor. The third kiss doesn't happen, but when Togawa starts to initiate it he does an absolutely sublime head-bonk. I'm still figuring out what I think about the head-bonk thing. All I know is that, from my vantage point, that little move on Kimura's part practically screams "I've been holding this back for five goddamn years and I can't wait one more second to kiss this person."

Runners-up and honorable mentions:

Semantic Error:

Their first kiss in the restaurant after Jae Young calls Sang Woo "hyung" - I have watched this so much that if I had been asked for my top 6 this would have been #6.

Jae Young demonstrating the features of the "free trial"

Minato’s Laundromat (season 1, of course):

Shin freaking out about Minato being alone with Hanabusa

The washing machine kabedon

The “smelling the sheets” scene

Kiseki (I just watched this for the first time a week or so ago and I have already done so much scene-rewatching it's ridiculous):

That incredibly angsty sex scene with Ai Di and a drunk Chen Yi, you know the one

Chen Yi's confession to a physically restrained Ai Di

The scene at Ai Di's bar where Chen Yi puts him in a double kabedon

Ai Di and Chen Yi's conversation after Ai Di gets out of prison, where he says he fucked Chen Yi "just for fun" and offers to let him do stuff to him as "revenge"

Ai Di trying to scare Chen Yi by stroking his chest and asking him if he wants to "play" and then getting weirded out when Chen Yi asks, "What if I say yes?"

Jheruei and Zongyi's first real kiss and subsequent A+ lap-sitting moment

And as a bonus, here's my most-rewatched non-QL moment:

There's a scene I'm obsessed with in Something in the Rain where Jun Hui comes to Jin A's home and sees her ex-boyfriend there with her and her parents, lobbying to get back together and manhandling her, and he reacts exactly the way you'd expect as someone to who's in love with Jin A. It is tattooed on my brain. If I ever learn to make gifs I am gif'ing the fuck out of that scene.

[spotlightlowlife]

Where the hell is everyone?

Not my usual post but something stood out to me, the views on these shows.

Figures declining is normal, only the drop seems quite a lot and I can't help but think that the characters ( so obviously the writing) deserve the blame.

Oops and Mammon's mid season at this moment both have approximately 26 million views, however, the mammon episode has 13k more comments dispite Oops not only being almost 2 months older, but

it being an episode we saw Fizz, Ozzie who we hadn't seen for a while

we saw Striker and Crimson again

most of all, this is the one where Fizz and Blitzø made up AND we learned what happened

there's no Stolitz in either of these or IMP

no IMP or Stolas at all in the Mammon episode

Now take into account that these two episodes are VERY episodic, following straight on from the event of the other with the setup of Mammon special only being possible because of the outcome of Oops. This gave Oops excellent rewatch value, I know I rewatched it (and found hypocrisy and possible retcon)

So though both are Fizz x Ozzie episodes and both let us return to the plot, the Mammon episode definitely did the Oops episode a massive service. Since this was the third Fizz x Ozzie episode and they existed in attached at the hip each time, we have only seen Fizz without Ozzie's presence in flashbacks childhood or as a robot, Ozzir without Fizz hasn't really been a thing.

It would be interesting to see them outside their ship but then again, Fizz no longer has his other job and isn't Blitzø's adversary anymore, there appears to be a crush element in this relationship too and Ozzie has been neutered as a businessman and the embodiment of lust itself, the two of them currently have the looming threat of Mammon and whatever he's planning over them. All this is fine, they're side characters but it really shows how much they're carried.

Now, fast forward and the next two episodes have half the view count, even though we have

the main cast back

Loona's voice actor is back

Stolitz drama

the return of angels, D.H.O.R.K, Verosika and some sinners we know

most of all, a curveball with the Stolitz transactionship ending and Blitzø having another option to run business

To add to this, the shorts become a thing around the same time as these episodes, they offer freedom to show the characters working and feature extras, so why are the first and second 12M and 13M views? Why aren't these 5 minute shorts surpassing episodes that take 4x the amount of time to watch?

Furthermore, the last episode to do as well as the Mammon special that made Oops episodic was the episode where we met Crimson and Millie and Moxxie's somehow shared (yet how was this relevant) ex Chaz, which gave us some of Moxxie's background, his meeting with Blitzø, a mobster theme and some action for Millie to flex her skills again with no dialogue needed up against characters who don't matter. This episode also has approximately 26M views, released 6 months prior to Oops, yet sat in between these two episodes are three more

the one were Striker would return, abducted and injured Stolas, in addition Millie and Moxxie would get their freedom to work without Blitzø and Blitzø would face a frustrating social issue of taking his daughter to a long overdue medical appointment, but at 22M views

Unhappy campers, the announced 'Millie episode' which also allowed us to also meet Barbie in the last 5 minutes at the end with no build up, it took us to Earth, give us no human designs for the main cast and give Millie an opportunity to flex without dialogue to no names who don't matter

the LONG AWAITED season one finale that got blocked, featuring Kesha! Playing on of the princes of hell! Featuring one of the most catchy songs to date. How did this get caught up in the plateau at just 23M? Surely it bought a number of dwindling viewers back to what we all missed out on? Surely it has a high chance of rewatch value because a lot had happened since?

Is it that the main cast and 'nice' villains aren't holding attention?

The second episode of season two had Octavia, who we hadn't seen in a while, run away. We got to see Earth, we got to see Stolas's human design, Stolas's interactions with his estranged wife and daughter, there were unnecessary and odd because of how the episode started and where they left off last time we saw them Stolitz moment and we got to hear Octavia and Loona speak.

This has just 2M more views than (episodic) Oops but is 11 months older.

At just 5M more views and 3 months older is the season premiere (so expected to do well) where we get a shared backstory for Stolas and Blitzø,

their cute childhood selves, some of Stella's story, we meet Blitzø's dad, we meet Stolas's dad, we see their transactionship start and a massive step in neutering Stolas.

I'm quite sure people liked him when he was the creepy, easily dangerous rich guy who held the operation of Blitzø business and maybe even his life in his hands and I'm quite sure 'humanising' him by having him realise he doesn't really know his daughter was a fine addition to his character, villains don't need to be in the wrong every time we see them.

In other news, Stolas' song 'Just look my way' may have 19M views (well done I hope they're genuine) but the song Clown Bitch from two extra we may never see again has more views than 2 minute notice, which is from the much loved Fizz,

it even has more views than Poison from parent series Hazbin Hotel, the song of an actual lead character Angeldust and this track has a remix.

There's reason I bring up Hazbin. Is it a coincidence that between the Mammon special and the next episode of Helluva, the long awaited Hazbin hotel that made it big and streamed on Amazon aired in its entirety, in that we would meet further neutered down characters who hold hire rank than those in Helluva?

The fact that we meet the leader and owner of hell, Lucifer the devil himself and he's a fun, sarcastic sad boy authors pet who did nothing wrong, let's blame another (breeder) wife and mother who's absent from the story for whatever reason yet to make matters worse, he isn't even a lead, his totally underwhelming 'nice girl' daughter is along with her friends.

Here's how watering down the powerful along with making them 'nice' comes into play and harms the plots.

Charlie ranks higher than Ozzie and gets to rub shoulders with sinners and call them her people without issue

sinners are higher than imps but imps as good as make sinners, Blitzø's whole business is to kill humans, many of which become sinners who are then seen as vermin who need to be wiped out, yet sinners are above imps, so are imps punching up?

Charlie is above Ozzie, Bee is equal to Ozzie and her relationship with a hellhound is just fine, we totally miss out in an overlord in an inappropriate power balance relationship with someone who could have been in one of the dog pounds she signs off on

where's the controversy in 'Blitzø and Stolas done better' Fizz x Ozzie, where Ozzie is loving and affectionate, doesn't like love potions and now doesn't like coersion and lusting after his mans image? There is none, no scandal or consequence, their drama is all personal issues, who is Ozzie, the leader we have spent the most time with to answer to? Not Lucifer who's welcome to hang out with his daughters sinner friends dispite condemning sinners as a waste of time the last time we saw him. Who cares, everyone is 'nice'

When we met Mammon he was met with a load of hatred and this was clearly the desired effect, there was so much that people could lazily project his way, and look how well his episode did. We actually got an excellent representation of ruthless and adaptive business and leadership with a lack of morals and genuine interest. I'm guessing this character was essential in seeing hell thrive.

King Paimon's introduction should have been a much bigger deal, it's bad enough that he went from from shapeshifting and manifesting in a mirror, not remembering this particular child, spending the day with Stolas through the mirror to stood beside him with no introduction, but we learn that he has many children and that he sets Stolas up with an arranged marriage.

So there is a hierarchy, there are people doing business with one another, there are those to answer to, there are numerous high ranking families. Why was the heir (Octavia) important? Business merger? Prophecy? We can only assume he set Stolas to work at a young age, encouraged his (unfortunately now lost) classism by giving him his own place, no family closeness and servants to toss about and we can only assume it's the same story for all the other children. King Paimon is not one of Lucifer's circle of seven but where does he rank next to him?

Both seem to be great candidates for a devil in charge. I'm sure there are numberours people who would discuss this but would be drowned out by those who will only give these characters the time of day blame them for 'being the reason Fizz and Stolas were sad' in the same note as dumped upon Stella and "supremacist" Striker another two who just happen to actively move the story forward.

Chances are plenty of people are too nervous to admit amongst the drowning out to liking any of these characters for fear of being ganged up on, but it seems that the 'good' characters, the fun and nice characters with power and the leads who we are to follow and just 'like' aren't cutting it really. Their stories are lacking.

There's a good chance that noisy fanbase fanning out, crying all over Twitter, attacking people full time and wanting to see hookups and representations are getting their fill amongs themselves. They make the shows seem more popular than they are because these people are chronically online and engaged in the discourse of attack and defend, rather than really following and discussing the story, coming back to it and taking interest where it is needed. As much as writers are online a lot and get to see the love and hide behind and encourage attack dogs, fandoms are contained and not good to write for, fandoms do their own thing. Any reasonable person, a critic who likes, one who doesn't care for and one who truly hates a story can do what a blind loyal person and one who's more invested in fanbase can't, which is offer feedback.

Looks like there's a silent majority of people who are here for the story, don't care for the digressions too much and are falling out of interest in the main characters. No doubt the silent majority are still waiting on things to improve, first of all by returning to the standard set in season one.

[velvet-vox]

Notes of my final Murder Drones rewatch before ep 8

(These thoughts are uncollected and unrevised, proceed with lowered expectations)

Originally, I was about to make a three-part long post before episode eight comes out.

In the first part I would have analysed Cyn's character and showcased her possible depth and ties to N's character arc.

Then in the second part I compared the Doll, Cyn and J trio to Uzi, N and V, showing the parallels between each member of their respective squad, which would then lead to the final part.

Part 3 is my defacto theory on how certain elements of episode 8 would have played out, with J as a main focus in it, due to her being the V parallel, but then, as the day passed, I realised something:

I'm an analyst, not a theorist, and while it could be fun to make a theory on episode 8 to see how right and wrong I was in retrospect, it's not an activity that I'm particularly fond of, plus, while my opinions on Cyn have changed with time (I'm going to get there), the reason why I kind of like her now completely hinges upon head canons that hopefully are going to be confirmed, because otherwise, my opinion on the character could get even worse than what it once was.

One of the main reasons as to why I wanted to realise this project was to see if I could get invested into Cyn in the same way I got more invested into Rebecca with the analysis I've made on her, but why bother doing that when I'm sure episode 8 is (hopefully) going to fill me in on her character?

I'm not finding the time nor willpower that I wished that I had to complete any projects lately, and due to my constant need for perfectionism (need that it's being deliberately ignored in the writing of this post), I just keep shooting myself in the feet.

Anyway, let's just skip the intro and directly segway to the important stuff:

Uzi:

Uzi is a complicated character for me. She was my favourite character in the Pilot and dropped down massively after that, and I never understood why: I came up with a bunch of explanations for myself, such as "her development isn't engaging" and "she doesn't get challenged in interesting ways that isn't just plain torture" and "she's the most enigmatic character in the show, her actions don't make any sense to me", and I was particularly sure of that last one, not in the sense that Uzi was evil all along, but in the sense that Uzi was being written as a twist villain in the same way Goultard from Wakfu had been coded as such before the third season of that series revealed us why;

But this last rewatch finally made me understand what my problem with her was.

Aside from the rushed development, which is something the entire series struggles with, I've realised that there's an extremely subtle layer of complexity to pilot Uzi that her show's self lacks: see, despite Uzi acting like a gremlin at various points in the pilot, one thing that really surprised me about how Uzi was initially characterised is that, aside from her moments of emotional impulsivity, Uzi... is actually relatively chill?

The best way I could describe it is that serie's Uzi to me is a child to take care of; I would act nice, kind, patient to ep 1 through 7 Uzi just to get on her good side so that she wouldn't bother me as much as she bothers her peers, hopefully helping her grow up as an individual and stop acting so horribly, and help her find someone else who appreciates her for who she is, so that I wouldn't have to deal with her any longer, while pilot Uzi is someone I would genuinely like to spend time with as she's secretly a pretty chill gal, even if I would still be afraid of her, just like the rest of her classmates.

The pilot makes it extremely clear that Uzi's angsty teen persona is just that: a facade. It's not the real her. This added a layer of intrigue to Uzi in the pilot, where it felt like there was so much more to her than what we were shown at first;

But nope. The rest of the show comes out and Uzi is just that: a wild, emotionally unstable teenage gremlin-girl, who isn't even at the centre of the story despite all of the screen time that she has.

I always thought that Liam didn't want me to sympathise with Uzi, as I thought his modus operandi was "Make the character interesting, don't make them sympathetic" but as the show went along and it fell down even further into a classical good versus evil plotline (something that requires is own post), it kind of became harder to shrug off how genuinely unlikable she is to me. I like N a lot, and I kinda like V whenever her fans are nowhere to be seen, but I don't really sympathise with either of them, I just find them to be engaging.

I like the Murder Drones cast because they are interesting characters, not because they are good people. Yet, from the way Uzi is written, it feels like I'm supposed to consider her the hero, when in reality, she feels more like an unwilling plumber forced to take out the clog (Absolute Solver) unwillingly.

(Also Doll is a much better foil to Pilot Uzi than she is to canon show Uzi, but that's a discussion for another time)

But that's enough of that. Let's talk about the episodes:

Episode 1 through 3:

I plan to do an in-depth ranking of all 8 episodes of Murder Drones once the ending comes out, so consider these my rapid fire opinions on each and every single one of them.

The pilot is the best aged episode of Murder Drones to me even if a lot of its elements have been decanonised, and it could as well end up becoming my favourite episode of the show when it's all said and done.

Episode 2 is as weak as ever, but one thing that always bothered me about this episode is the ending where Uzi just decides to go back into the colony with Khan.

Now, it's no secret that Murder Drone's everything is extremely rushed, but for most of its runtime, this episode gave me the impression that Murder Drones was going to be a slow burn, long running mystery series, only for the ending to come along and leave me dumbfounded by what the pacing of the show was going to turn into.

Heartbeat is also the only episode where my opinion hasn't changed since first watching it. I thought it was mid at first, and I still consider it to be so.

My thoughts on it are a little bit more complicated than that, but I'm reserving them for the future.

You can slice it however you want, but episode 3 has aged HORRIBLY, it's not even in my top 5 best episodes anymore, and yes, it's exactly because of the focus character of this episode turning out the way she did in episode 7.

Say whatever you want, but to me, the third episode is not an Uzi episode, it's not an N episode, it's barely a V and Lizzy episode and partially a Nuzi episode, and it's certainly not a Khan episode.

For the most part, The Promening is a Doll episode; she's the character the episode is wasting most of its runtime on, introducing her, her parents, making her a mysterious threat; in comparison, the Nuzi and V stuff is mostly secondary, and could have definitely been developed further if the episode didn't have someone else as it's main focus.

Doll:

I never wanted Doll to survive the season; I never wanted her to live, I never wanted her to die, I never wanted her to be redeemed, nor did I want her to stay evil till the end; all I ever wanted, was for Doll to be well-written, and as it stands, I don't think Doll does enough or is explored sufficiently as a character to justify her relevance or existence, especially since a lot of other characters could benefit from some extra screen time, and while a lot of people might think that just bringing her back to life would fix some of her problems, I don't think they really understand all of the underlying issues that come with such a choice:

If Doll were ever to come back, she for sure would get a redemption arc, because what else is there to do? She lost all of her screen presence, she's no longer even remotely threatening, her story is so divorced from our current one to be straight up disposable, a lot of people see her as just a joke after the seventh episode, and in general, she's no longer a credible villain to see on screen.

And yet, I don't think a redemption arc would work for Doll at this point. Her character wasn't built up enough aside from being mysterious for the sake of it, I don't think a redemption arc would work, because it would require too much time for it to work, and time is the one thing Murder Drones always lacked, what makes you think a second season, let alone one episode would even fix?

I'm pretty pessimistic about episode 8, unless it's all one giant ruse and there is, in fact, a second season. The math just doesn't add up, episode 8 can't possibly be a satisfying conclusion or an unsatisfying conclusion done right, I fear it will be one giant clusterf##k.

Cabin Fever, Intermission, and Home:

Episode 4 is about as good as I remember it to be, and aside from noticing a couple of new details useful for my analyses, I don't have much to say about it.

I got the chance to watch @ghoulinfuschia 's Murder Drones Intermission together with the other episodes this time around, so now I finally have the chance to praise it a little bit.

Murder Drones Intermission is a fan made episode of Murder Drones set between episode four and five, made entirely by a crew of fans.

It's an amazing product for what it's worth and by how it was made, and while it's not perfect and I consider it far from possibly being canon, it does fill in nicely into the show's timeline, and improves a lot on some of the weakest story beats of the series. It was definitely a nice break from me while rewatching all of the episodes, and I recommend it wholeheartedly to anyone who wants to check it out.

It's pretty ironic how episode 7 retroactively managed to worsen episode 3 and improve episode 5, but that's genuinely how I feel about Home now:

I'm about to be real with you, Tessa being dead all along was the only tid bit of major character's death that wasn't wasted, as now that I know why Tessa's wasn't the episode's protagonist, I'm much more accepting of the way in which episode 5 played out; it's clear that Liam never wanted us to get attached to Tessa beyond any simple "she's a nice, abused, teenage girl that treats N nicely" type of feeling, also the tradeoff for her death and humanity apparent extinction was well worth it in my opinion, which is something I can't say for V or... her.

But now it's finally time to talk about the actual main character of this episode:

Cyn:

I'm about to say something that I've never thought I would end up saying for real:

Did you know, that Cyn, is an actually interesting character in her own right?

I never did.

Quite frankly, I kind of heavily hated Cyn up until some time ago.

To me, at the start, Cyn was just a cool visual threat that would have hopefully been fleshed out in the future, but then, not only is she still remaining just a one note villain at this point of the show's runtime (aka the "finale"), but she also ended up killing a far more nuanced and slightly more fleshed out antagonist, while also not really doing anything to fulfill the compelling character void left by the aforementioned character.

Hot take: the fandom's portrayal of Cyn as this unbelievably silly creature of pure autism ruined her character, as well as the general discourse surrounding her.

To me, mass murderers should only be blorbified once their first major focus arc in a story has been concluded. It's why I'm fine with the blorbification of characters such as Qilby and William Afton, and I'm not with Cyn.

The thing about blorbifying is that, you are actively distorting canon for your weird fantasies, which is something that I'm fine with, but only once said characters have received their narrative catharsis.

I don't really view Cyn as a serious or heinous threat at this point in time, and that's all due to how much the fanbase ended up babyfying her to no end, giving her the Jax treatment with the main difference being that Jax has had is funny blorbo illusion already shattered, while Cyn still has it at this point in the show's runtime where she should be at her most evil and intimidating yet.

But that's enough of that; as I've already stated, now that we know that adult Tessa was Cyn all along... Cyn has just become such an interesting character to me, not for the mystery and creepiness surrounding her, but for the ways in which she could end up paralleling N.

... If that's actually what's going to happen.

It all hinges upon Cyn actually being worth the hype and the rushed developments, because otherwise, she could go from being my third favourite character to my absolute least favourite.

Episode 6 and 7:

I appreciate the Jurassic Park section of this episode for being a break from everything going on and for setting up the plot twist in the following episode.

Although her section bores me a little bit, I'm just gonna come out and say it: Alice is in my opinion the best humanoid antagonist in the entirety of Murder Drones, and unless that changes in episode 8 (which I doubt, sorry Cyn but I don't have a lot of faith in you), I'll make an entire post dedicated to her detailing why that's the case.

As for who or what I think is the overall best antagonist of the show...

It's the Sentinels, and it's not even close.

I'm still as emotionless as ever when it comes to V's demise. I believe it was stupid, but there are more passionate V fans to talk about it.

And last but not least, I can finally agree with what everyone else has said: Mass Destruction is the best episode of Murder Drones, and for me, it's all due to how genuinely funny it is.

I've become pretty apathetic to Murder Drone's horror elements due to how excessively prevalent and misused they are throughout the course of the series, so now the comedy actually hits harder, and this episode is extremely funny and comedic, even Doll's death is now hilarious to me, even if for other reasons, and the pacing finally feels appropriate now that the show has completely given up being a mystery adventure and fully embraced the end of the world battle shenanigans.

The episode did feel too fast paced when I first saw it at release, but it was mostly because of how slow the previous episodes were, now after a while the pacing finally feels normal, even if the episode is just bombarding me with lore left and right.

Ah.

.

.....

We're doomed.

[misty--nights]

It’s time for episode 6. I always start these thinking I won’t find much and it’ll be a short one, and then I’ll just keep finding details and the posts get pretty long

The recap editing strikes again. Immediately after Edwin tells Monty “I wasn’t talking about you” we get a shot of his hug with Charles

There are some colorful glasses up on the division between the spaces of Niko’s room (I don’t know the name of that thing) and I can just imagine Niko asking Jenny for a ladder to put them up there. Also there is a blue butterfly glued above her closet door

The sign with the name of Tragic Mick’s shop has a little fish jumping over it, which is really cute

When they first arrive at the shop and are talking with Mick, there is a figure on one of the shelves that kind of looks like a polar bear with a red dress

Niko’s card is pink and has like a cute bunny thing decoration. All of her things are adorable, I love her

It’s really funny just how terrible at lying all of these kids are. They are almost implausibly bad at it, and it’s always hilarious how the others just shrug and go with it

Speaking of, Monty flipping his hair and putting on a dramatic tone to tell them that his good friend has a problem is just peak. This boy is amazing, and his lying abilities fit right in with al the others (to his credit, none of the main kids realized he was a crow before the Cat King reveals the truth, so I guess it’s working for him)

The names for their potential cases are hilarious: Phantom Yodeler, Undead Milkman, Doppelganger Gang, Sentient Pants, Restless Piano Syndrome. (Can’t really make out what the last 2 say, but I can make out the words Cricket Wicket in one, and Gargoyle in the other)

Edwin has a little smile after Niko tells him he looks nice <3

I just realized that the reason Crystal’s attempt at pretending to read the tree is so bad is because she cannot tell that her eyes go white every time she uses her powers

Monty is immediately concerned when Charles says the elemental consumes ghosts. I love how clearly you can see the different emotions on his face, how you can tell the instant he starts to have second thoughts about this plan, even if he is still going to go through with it for revenge (for a little while at least)

Edwin’s science glasses are just for the drama/aesthetic, right? All of the others are standing right there by him without any glasses, so it’s not like they are for protection. Also you have to love the fact that he passes Charles the vial to throw it even though I’m sure it would have been the same if Edwin himself had done it? Charles doesn’t throw it too far, so it’s not like it required a lot of strength or anything. It’s just the way they do things, I guess. Edwin creates the potions, Charles throws them. Brains and brawn

I could be wrong, but I think that when the Night Nurse and Kashi are talking you can hear Angie’s heartbeat in the background

After Charles breaks all of David’s mirrors, the ground of Crystal’s mind place is full of glass (I think it wasn’t before, but my memory isn’t great so I could be wrong about this one too)

I’ve been thinking about since the episode 1 rewatch, but I think it’s interesting that none of the kids (minus Niko) made the connection between Monty the boy and Monty the witches familiar, given the way Esther yells Monty’s name after that first confrontation when they rescued Becky Aspen. I know it’s a wild connection to make, but Monty isn’t that common of a name, and they all were very much there when she yelled “Monty, shut up” at the screaming crow inside of her house. I don’t know, I think it could have been funny for Charles to fixate on Edwin’s new pal having the same name as Esther’s crow, and then for the others to dismiss it as jealousy. It would be hilarious, and it’d give Charles a chance to be all “I told you so” after the reveal

All of the chairs around the table by Crystal’s tree are a little different

Petition to make Crystal part of the Brawn team in the agency, because the way she fights Esther is vicious. She should get to beat the shit out of more enemies next season

Charles sounds like he’s been crying right after Crystal rescues the two of them. His voice is all watery and broken even though he’s smiling

One of Niko’s cushions on her windowsill has an octopus on it

Ghosts don’t have reflections, but they do have shadows. I guess shadows would be harder to remove irl? I noticed the shadows during the scene where they’re thinking of a name for Crystal’s move

The Night Nurse says she’s been working at that post for over two million hours, which means (according to google) that she’s been at the Lost and Found department for almost 230 years. No wonder she’s so done with everyone’s bullshit. Imagine working the same shitty job for over 200 years

[zoe-oneesama]

Hi Zoe! I see you're done with Party Crasher. If I'm not wrong, Frozer is up next. What do you think about the episode?

This episode is a prime example of why Season 2 has nearly no rewatch value after you've endured Season 4. It's so hard to watch with hindsight.

So, the biggest funk of this episode was definitely Chat Noir - it was him when the episode came out and it still is now. Literally opening the episode with another romantic gesture when Ladybug confirms this MUST be post "Glaciator" because she very gently and sadly reminds him that he knows she's in love with someone else.

Well, he took the rejection SO WELL in "Glaciator", so why should we expect any different here?

This episode (paired with "Glaciator") is the episode that launched the "Nice Guy(tm) Chat Noir" idea. He says things in this episode that I swear were pulled right from reddit. He decides they should go solo because she turned down his rose... "We don't always have to do everything together, after all. It's not like we're a couple." Seriously dude? All this time together, our partnership, our relationship, our friendship, it all means nothing because I don't want to be your girlfriend? Because I was honest about having feelings for someone else? THAT'S the kind of person you are? What a great role model.

But then he's over it, like, immediately. I'm so confused as to why this was even here. To make Chat Noir look like a dick? Way to sell your main love interest, show~

So Sadrien sadly takes his sad rose to fencing practice and gets his sad ass handed to him by Kagami, who's like "wtf kicking your ass is boring if you just let me" and he asks her "do you ever feel like you're stuck, replaying the same story over and over again and hoping for it change but nothing ever does?"

And Kagami's response is her infamous "the biggest mistake a fencer can make isn't choosing the wrong technique. It's choosing the wrong target. Change targets" advice.

First of all, her metaphor sucks. Fencing is a 1 vs 1 sport, you can't "change targets". You can switch from aiming for the chest to aiming for the leg, but it's still the same opponent, weirdo.

Second of all, nothing about what Adrien just asked you suggested he was talking about a person or a romantic suitor whatsoever. Your only hint was that he was holding his Reject Rose, but even so, why wouldn't your first thought be that he's talking about his father???

Seriously, this could've been a good lead in for the Adri////gami set up if Kagami had assumed he was talking about Gabriel and responded with empathy. "Yes, sometimes I feel like that with my own mother, but I realized I don't like feeling like I'm waiting for change to happen. I make my own change happen. If you want your story to be different, maybe it has to come from you."

And Adrien, still thinking romantically, is struck. 'Wow' he thinks, 'she understands me in a way that honestly? Not a lot of people would.' And he declares that she's right, he's going to change his story starting now, and hands her the rose, starting their romance story.

But no, sure, a bad fencing metaphor about how he should forget other hoes and look at her, that works too, who needs BUILD UP amiright? I was a fool to think that maybe Kagami would need a REASON to be into the Writer's Pet Adrien when he's OBVIOUSLY already PERFECT.

Not that any of this matters since Adrien all but tells Kagami to her face "I had a great time but I'm sticking to my original pick." and she says she'll wait for him, girl, have some self respect.

But that's getting ahead of ourselves. After the two part ways, we have a scene with him and Plagg about Adrien maybe switching targets, and uh..

Look, I noticed a real problem with the dialogue in this episode - there's a lack of connectivity throughout the episode with the things people say. I know I make jokes about the show having five writers per episode who don't communicate with each other, but here it reeeeeally feels like maybe that's not a joke.

Like here: Plagg suggests that Adrien is going to start pursuing Kagami and Adrien rejects this idea because he's in love with Ladybug ("No, no way. Ladybug's the only one I love), and it probably wouldn't work with Kagami anyway because it's his technique that's wrong and he needs advice on what to do.

This seems to suggest that Adrien isn't going to go after Kagami, and if he did, it would be to test out a technique on her. Like going out with Kagami would be practice. Now that's obviously not verbatim what he said and could justifiably be seen as reaching, but do you see my confusion? Not once does he say anything about being into Kagami or wanting to go after her (though admit-ably he did give her the Reject Rebound Rose).

But then two scenes later when he's asking Marinette for help, he's describing Kagami as if he's in love with her, as if he's really interested in her. Where did THAT come from between scenes?! Writers! COMMUNICATE!

Also he says in the French version that they have classes together, and in English that they study together, and I would just like to see WHEN?!

There's another example when Marinette goes off to the bathroom after Kagami gives more..."advice". Tikki asks why she's sad, and instead of pointing out the very obvious "Oh, I don't know Tikki, my crush asked me for advice on how to get close to another girl, I'm third wheeling his date and am forced to watch them skate around holding hands, she practically claimed him when Phillipe was trying to recruit Adrien for his ice rink by reminding him AND me that Adrien is with HER, aaaaand I fell on my butt in front of him, her, and the guy who I also have caught feelings for but am feeling bad about potentially leading him on because of my lingering feelings for Adrien. And then my crush's date basically told me it's my fault that all these things are happening to me because I 'hesitate'. That might have something to do with why I'm sad."

But instead her answer is she likes Luka but doesn't know if what's between them is that they're just friends, like with Adrien????

Even if that WERE a part of it, that's not the thing that started this or even the thing that set her off. So why is that the thing they made her stuck on??? That's like the fourth thing on the list of Things That's Made Her Upset. Her answer sounds like it comes from a pre-edited script or something.

So yeah, the dialogue is...weird. But that's almost normal for Miraculous Ladybug at this point.

So anyway, Adrien vows to get advice from someone who is Not Plagg and realizes very quickly that every adult in his life is utterly worthless so he scouts out his friends. Except of the 4 couples he zones in on (Marc and Nathaniel, Ivan and Mylene, Alya and Nino, Juleka and Rose) 3/4 of them are together because of Ladybug and an akuma.

"Hey bro, I need some advice, how'd you and Alya get together?"

"Oh, Ladybug locked us in a panther cage during an akuma attack after you tried to set me up with her best friend."

Maybe it's not as crazy that he went to Marinette as I initially thought.

(That said this gave me flashbacks because for some reason all my friends came to me for relationship advice despite being chronically single for most of high school, so, I felt that pain Marinette.)

And just...wow, writers, I know Marinette is your punching bag but this was just cruel. Having her crush, the guy YOU'RE SELLING as her true love go off about how pretty and special and amazing this other girl is right to her face? Is this supposed to be an equivalent heartbreak to what happened in the first scene? Because this doesn't feel equal, this just feels malicious on the writer's end. Ladybug didn't grind into Chat Noir's face how AWESOME the mystery boy is and at least Chat Noir got to throw a tantrum about it, where's Marinette's tantrum?!

I'll say the one point I give to the Girl Squad is them telling Marinette she's crazy for agreeing to third wheel this date and that she should definitely cancel on Adrien. If he can't handle being alone with the girl he wants to date, that sounds like a them problem, there's being selfless and then there's being masochistic, girl.

But then they lose that point for yelling over her when she tells them she's going to try being Just a Friend for Adrien.

The Girl Squad scene is also frustrating in this way that Miraculous is continuously frustrating in that the characters just don't quite say the thing that makes sense (like in "Maledictator" with Marinette calling Chloe "useless" instead of things that would actually stick like "bully"). Marinette says she's giving up on Adrien because she stutters around him and dating would be impossible if she can't even talk to him, and that she's calmer when she's trying to be his friend instead of dating him.

But what she should have said was "he just asked me advice on how to ask out someone else, he's clearly not into me!"

She has a good point with the stuttering thing, but that puts all the weight on HER for the relationship not taking off. It's HER that can't get it together, it's HER that can't get her words out, it's HER that's stopping them from being together. Meanwhile Adrien's over here asking out other girls, calling her "just a friend", not showing up to meet ups that she'll be at... Hell, he tried to set HER up with SOMEONE ELSE ("Animan"). He doesn't want to date her! Message Recieved!

So she brings in Luka, (which honestly, smart move, because how much would Kagami have REALLY hated Marinette if she showed up by herself on THEIR date) and we get The Metaphors.

Marinette is clumsy, this is a known fact, yet the only times she's clumsy at the ice rink is because she's focused on Adrien - when she focuses on Luka, she's smooth, easily let's him guide her, and is pulling off professional moves. ALMOST like he's a good, calming influence compared to the chaotic energy that Adrien brings.

The "problem" (if you're writing for this show and want to encourage Adrien and Marinette being together) is that the episode never challenges why this should be a bad thing. They want her to be with Adrien, soooo why are they basically visually proving why Luka is the better option? Why does this whole episode feel like it's actively trying to turn Marinette away from Adrien?

I mean obviously they're starting the Love Rival drama, but I mean long term. With the Skating Metaphor and Marinette bringing up how her own inability to think clearly around Adrien is a problem, and then never COUNTERING those problems, why are we supposed to root for them again?

Oh because Luka gave his consent in the end, not because of any merit that Adrien brings to the table, got it.

Then there's the obvious Two Guys Reaching Out to Help Marinette Up and She Hesitates Because Her Heart is in Conflict Metaphor. I only give this one props because at least none of the characters explained that one, they just let that one speak for itself, even if it was obvious.

Though that one accidentally extended when the reason Marinette doesn't choose is because Phillipe forces his way into the interaction to beg Adrien to join his rink - kinda like random, out of pocket shit that she has no control over is CONSTANTLY MESSING UP HER ATTEMPTS TO MAKE MOVES.

Gosh Kagami, maybe Marinette would've made a choice if she'd gotten five seconds between them without INTERRUPTIONS! Maybe she even would've grabbed BOTH of their hands, then what would you have done?

Sighhhh, I'm sorry Kagami, I don't mean to rip on you. It's just that you were so freaking RUDE in this episode to anyone who wasn't Adrien (and also a little bit to Adrien tbh). You can turn Phillipe's offer down without telling him his favorite sport is basically trash. You can help Marinette up without rubbing it in that you got the guy first. You can let Adrien turn Phillipe down himself without peeing on him, as if you're jealous of a this guy just for asking Adrien to join a sport ("he already fences with ME!"). Let the boy speak for himself - maybe he actually was interested, did you check in on what he wants?

Yes, Adrien shouldn't just go along with people to make them happy, but he's not going to learn to stand up for himself if you just speak for him.

And Luka...well you're just here for a good time, aren't you? So patient, so kind, so the only person in the room who can read the writing on the wall. At least someone in this group isn't lying to themselves.

I'm losing steam, so let's rapid fire:

I knew I'd hate Phillipe as soon as I saw him and I was right. He's annoying and I bet he's the reason no one wants to come to his stupid ice rink because he's lurking there interrupting other people's dates. I was on Andre's side when he ragged on him for trying to force people to join (though dude you gave him ten minutes, what did you think would happen?)

Luka's so magical he can play electric guitar without an amp or any sound amplifying device, impressive. Or the people on this show have never touched an instrument.

Also Luka, your advice to just be natural and go with the flow is great and also WASTED on Adrien, his "natural" is a DISASTER.

Adrien panic-lying that he brought Marinette to teach him how to skate was pointless. Maybe Kagami would've thought it was endearing you were too nervous to go on a date with her alone if you were just honest about it, but now it's just Another Thing Kagami has to turn into a competition because she sees Marinette as a RiVaL (which honestly amazing jumping to conclusions because wut, where'd you get that idea?)

Also, does Kagami shoot a bow? She says she only participates in "noble" sports, like bow or fencing, but I can't tell if she's listing sports she considers noble, or listing sports she participates in. Also what does a "noble" sport even mean?

S-stalac-Tikki...and Plagg-lagla. I know it's Plagg-Glacier in English, but it's Plagg-lagla in French and it sounds like Adrien's VA is gargling or stuttering when he tries to say it.

What happened to Luka and Kagami, you're not even going to show them frozen?!

Frozer is so ugly omigoooood not looking forward to drawing him.

So yeah, anyway, Frozer is hard to watch, especially with hindsight, the bad parts with Chat Noir are really bad but don't stick around long, so there's that, and while it doesn't feel like the characters are being too bad during this whole "dating" fiasco, it suuuuure feels like the writers were~

[lemotmo]

I messaged and asked if I could share these before sending this to you just to be sure! But I thought I would share her first Tommy post. She's had a couple of messages about how she was clearly never really pro Tommy. She was, but it was always with a for now kind of narrative. But I thought some people would like to see it. It's favorable to Tommy so no one freak out because it's OLD. We are all aware of her feelings on the matter now. It's her first Tommy post following 7x4 but it's pretty clear what she's actually excited about though. I'm also attaching the post she made following the season finale because it's a mood and sums up most everyone's opinions of that episode nicely. Hopefully the way I had to copy them doesn't format weird. Enjoy!

That episode was heaven. An absolutely beautiful, perfectly Buck episode. I'm going to fawn for a few minutes and then I'm going to overthink some things,lol. First things first Tommy is just fun. What a great first relationship for Buck. No pressure, just lighthearted goodness. He deserves to have the best time and Tommy seems like a great way for him to explore this new reality. He can stay for a while. I won't lie, his face doesn't do much for me personally, but overall I get the appeal and I hope Buck has a blast. Seriously though they did such a good job bringing him into the mix. I'm genuinely stunned. He works and it didn't require a whole lot of effort to make him work. I am thoroughly impressed. And on a completely shallow note that was a spectacular first kiss. Well done all the way around. I'm so overwhelmed and impressed by the entire episode. Bravo to all! Our little Buckley is canonically bi!

Now to the overthinking part, and I'm sorry in advance. The episode text was entirely reliant on Eddie. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong but I don't recall the show ever establishing that Eddie was into Muay Thai prior to last night. Which means they invented an Eddie hobby specifically to give Tommy the same hobby. That's insane behavior. I mean that was absolutely unnecessary and not only did they intentionally add it they made sure to make the audience aware of it. They had Buck repeatedly point out his similarities to Eddie. I was watching live with a couple of friends and we all kind of had a wtf moment. Because are they actually going to do it??? Are they actually maybe baby stepping towards legitimately going there?? I'm going to have to rewatch but man it kind of genuinely feels like it might actually happen. And I'm speechless about it. It's pretty much what everyone is waiting for at this point. I just never thought they'd actually do it. But I don't know guys last night definitely felt like it was something.

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Before I rage vomit my opinion of last night's episode I want to make a plea. A plea to Tim, ABC, Ryan Murphy, or anyone with power who will listen. Stop allowing Kristen Reidel to write anything for this show. She shouldn't be allowed near the writers room let alone be allowed to write what are supposed to be significant episodes. She has now written the last two season finales and they have both been atrocious. Worse than bad. Worse than boring. Completely and utterly atrocious. I am truly stunned by how bad this episode was. I mean it was clear the entire back half of the season was a last minute rewrite because they got renewed so fast, and as a result, Tim clearly decided to slow the originally planned stories down. The latter half of this season was abysmal. And because of that they needed a decent finale to salvage any part of it. And the second Kristen's name came up on the opening credits it was over. I dead ass started laughing the last 15 minutes because I could not comprehend how terrible it all was. It was maybe the worst episode in the history of the series. I'm serious. I can't think of a worse overall episode. It was embarrassing. You're the number one show on that network and you rolled that piece of garbage out as your season finale. Really?

I'm not even going to waste breath talking about the ridiculous Bobby/Athena/Cartel nonsense because it was too stupid for words. The only thing I will say is Kristen clearly likes Athena, it's obvious, so why does she always write her as some crazy RoboCop ripoff with a vigilante kink? It's mind boggling. The worst part though was the Eddie/Christopher/Buck arc. That actually broke my heart. In the hands of a more talented writer Oliver and Ryan, and precious Gavin could have salvaged that storyline. They did all the heavy lifting anyway, but the writing failed them miserably (big shock). Ryan did everything he could with that pile of garbage. Tim, you all killed her off. Let it go. I don't want to see her again. For the love of god free Eddie from the Shannon cycle. And then on top of everything else you did to Eddie this season you sent his son away. Look if they're actually going the Buddie route, which I am now convinced they are, Christopher needs to be away for a bit. I get that. But him asking to go stay with his grandparents was not the way to do it. Especially given how well your audience knows Eddie's very complicated relationship with his parents. It was gross. There were other ways to remove Chris from the equation for a bit. That brings me, finally, to that disgusting, completely out of place dinner scene between Buck and Tommy. What in the actual hell was that scene? It was so wildly out of place within the context of the episode it felt like watching whiplash. They clearly had a scene count in Lou's contract and needed one more scene, fine. They're also clearly establishing this relationship as purely surface level so they weren't going to give him a scene at the hospital or anything else that would demonstrate a level of tenderness. That all makes sense. But the audience had just spent 45 minutes watching the man that we all know Buck sees as his dad basically dying. He died. Buck being Buck wanted to talk about it. Tried to have a very serious conversation and Tommy turned that attempt into a daddy sex kink joke. Are you kidding me?!? I get it. For Tommy this is about Buck being hot and them having a good time, and nothing more so he doesn't want to bring anything serious into the mix. Fine. But there were so many less skin crawling ways to drive that point home. It was disgusting. And I continue to be stunned by the amount of Tommy apologists who keep pretending it's not obvious what the show is doing here. He isn't coming across as charming. He's not being written as charming. Look at the GA reactions. You're not meant to be viewing this as a love story. I know you all can see that. Rant done. I need a drink.

Thank you Nonny. I'm glad you asked her if it was okay to post it. You don't often see that kind of courtesy in fandom anymore.

The contrast between the first post and the last post is sending me. :) Once again the OP managed to explain everything in such a rational way. The way she breaks down these episodes and characters without letting herself get carried away by loud fandom voices and general bi Buck happiness, is truly admirable.

If I have to nitpick, I have to admit that I don't agree with that first kiss being a 'spectacular kiss'. I admit I never liked it. I think I must have watched it twice now and then never again. Something has always bothered me about that scene. I can't pinpoint it, but it has always felt a little wooden somehow.

But you know that I am kind of biased. ;) What can I say? I'm a one guy kind of girl and that guy in question is Eddie. :D

Don't turn away yet, because there is another OP post coming after this one. :)

Remember, no hate in comments or reblogs. Let's keep it civil and respectful. Thank you.

If you are interested in more of the anonymous OP’s posts, you can find all of their posts so far under the tag: anonymous blog I love.

[survivalove]

Thinking about why I like Kataang so much

so a lot of my posts/asks lately have been about things I dislike so I decided to balance it out by talking about something I actually do like! ofc I immediately thought of kataang and started thing about why i like them so much compared to other couples in media I watched growing up.

first thing is, I don’t actually like romance in visual media. I much prefer it in books but having to actually watch it gives me the ick idk why. also when i first watched atla I was like 5, so the romance really had no appeal to me and I was super focused on katara and the other girls on the show because they were girls! i would completely block out the boys and all the ship scenes for years after that because my attitude to romance never really changed.

right up until I was about 11/12 and became aware of romance from hearing people my age start to talk about crushes, boyfriends/girlfriends, kissing etc. suddenly I had entered this phase in real life where romance was suddenly relevant among my peers and this made me start paying attention when it played out in the shows I was watching like Hannah Montana, Wizards of Waverly Place, etc. this also included ATLA as my dad and I would rewatch it together on DVD throughout the year.

as I watched with my katara blinders, like I always do, for the first time I started to notice the boys in the show, particularly aang, (yes I finally started focusing on the main character after 6 years 😭) and certain interactions katara had with him that I never noticed before.

*dramatic pause*

and the way I consumed media would never be the same.

jk, but really tho.

fast forward to now, and I’ve recently started watching anime after consuming a bunch of western media my whole life from cartoons and disney shows to contemporary literature and Y/A movies/TV shows. and one thing that stands out to me with kataang compared to most of the romance i see in shonen animes (one of atla’s biggest inspiration as a TV show) is the way katara and aang develop in a way that is realistic, yet too good to be true.

let me elaborate:

starting from the very first episode, katara and aang have that classic meet-cute interaction. the music is playing, their eyes are widening, aang’s acting like he’s never seen a girl before and katara is impressed by literally every single thing he does. this is pretty much how every ship is set up, anime or otherwise, and kanna basically spells out their imminent connection when she sends katara and sokka off and sokka even explicitly says the word boyfriend seconds before that. obviously, these two characters are gonna get together at some point and it’s just a matter of when.

this is where it gets more than that:

the more katara and aang spend time together, the more they start to get on each other’s nerves.

I’m sure everyone’s had a crush at some point, where you see someone for the first time and go “oh they’re so cute” and you feel the butterflies blah blah. you either fantasize about them for a while and move on, or you pursue the crush and start to actively make moves to get to know them better.

and as you get to know them, you notice some things about them that kinda piss you off. the way they pick their nose, the way they bounce their knee, the way they chew. it’s always something. it can even affect friendships because that’s life. we are humans, not concepts. no one is perfect, there is nobody on this planet that you will 100% agree with or like about them. it just doesn’t work like that. and for some relationships, there is that one irritating thing about them that breaks the camel’s back and it doesn’t work out. you learn what annoys you and move on to the next relationship. or you have the lucky ones who actually stay together and the relationship continues to blossom as you get to know each other better.

similarly, kataang in the beginning are completely enamored with the other. until they’re not. throughout season 1, we see katara becoming more and more disillusioned with aang going from “aang’s so brave. he’s the avatar!” to realizing he’s just a boy with insecurities and flaws just like her. some of which get on her nerves BAD. similarly, aang goes from trying to impress katara and going along with every single plan she has, to disagreeing with her and even getting annoyed by her as the seasons go on.

despite this, it doesn’t stop that thing they have for each other from growing and flourishing. that is the magic part. watching two characters fall in love as they continue to annoy and irritate each other more and more. the more katara and aang butt heads throughout the seasons, the more and more unambiguous their romantic interactions become.

aang bluntly telling katara she’s not funny like he didn’t just ask her to dance with him in a candlelit cave in front of dozens of people a few days ago? katara constantly getting annoyed at aang’s antics to turn around and ask him for his opinion on the way she looks or kiss him on the cheek? right.

this is what makes them stand out from other fictional couples I’ve seen, where the girl and guy’s opinion on the other never changes significantly from that first interaction they have. one person, usually the girl because of course, worships the ground our main character walks on, meanwhile he seems to barely notice her apart from that first scene where she looked pretty and his jaw dropped or something. and even if they do interact a lot, their dynamic hardly evolves from that initial setup. they never get upset with each other or at the least, visibly annoyed. their dynamic is static, stagnant, mostly affected by major events in the plot rather than personal characteristics and minor misgivings the characters may have.

there’s no juice. it’s stale. and for me, very unrealistic.

I was watching this video about writing couples in media and one comment stood out to me in particular:

What you said about charm is so true. Entertaining chemistry to watch ≠ chemistry that pairs people together. A lot of sitcoms try to pair opposites romantically or as best friends, because opposites are good for comedy and conflict, but I find myself not understanding why they’re so into each other.

instantly i was reminded of the way people call kataang vanilla/boring, in favor of pairings that are far less similar. and while katara and aang do fight a lot, fundamentally they are very similar which is why they are so believable and realistic. I love watching them slowly become disillusioned with the idealized version of each other they had in the first episode to seeing all the ways they manage to piss each other off, and still being drawn by that initial mutual attraction.

katara learns the hard way that aang isn’t the infallible savior from her grandma’s stories, but she never stops believing in him. aang comes to discover katara’s flaws and conflicting opinions, but he still encourages her belief in hope, affirms her as a waterbender/healer and yes still calls her beautiful every chance he gets.

and what I love about this, is, it gives them reasons to fall in love that go beyond the superficial reasons that drew them towards each other in the first place.

they don’t fall in love with each other in spite of those little minor flaws, but because of them.

katara doesn’t love aang because he’s the avatar. she loves him because he is the goofy fun boy that allowed her to be a kid while taking up this heavy responsibility. aang doesn’t love katara because she’s beautiful. he falls in love witnessing those moments of her being determined, speak up for herself and others, and even going to great lengths to inspire hope in everyone she meets.