#I feel too old to be as scared as I am
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I canāt get rid of the feeling of āIāve had enough vacation now, Iām ready to go homeā because Iām struggling with the fact that this is not vacation, I am not going home, technically I live here now and I have to get used to it. It also doesnāt help that this is a place Iāve gone on vacation before.
Itās not all bad, my new mattress is a full that is twice as thick as the twin I had at home (single rooms get full sized mattress and double rooms get twin beds). But Iād rather go home and sleep in my old bunk bed than here in this place that always has the air conditioning running (a noise Iām not accustomed to), because otherwise it gets too hot. I donāt miss my parents too much but I miss the feeling of control and familiarity from being home because every thing here is so new and so out of my grasp. Iāll get used to it, but itās hard. And it doesnāt help that I have no friends and most people my age donāt seem interested in making new friends because they donāt need new friends after already having been here a while
#I feel too old to be as scared as I am#which is silly#because thereās no age limit to being afraid#but most people in my situation are 18 year olds#and most people my age donāt seem to be interested in reaching out#being a transfer student is hard#because on one hand I have all these academic and life skills I learned while staying home at community college#and on the other hand#it makes it hard to find people going through the same thing as me#I hope I donāt feel isolated for too long#because I can tell that this feeling will get really heavy after a while#at least I have kitty cat#I donāt know what Iād do without her
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hi Silver! o/ because that fanart made me wonder - would you happen to know when/where Dick's stuffed elephant plush Zitka turns up in the comics?
GREETINGS CAM <3333 THAT ART WAS SO CUTE
Yeah, I think your instincts are right - it's a truly adorable bit of transformative fandom, but I'm 95% percent sure it's not comics canon. Barbara has canon plushies, but I don't think anyone else does.
I got kinda invested in the investigation (it's hard to prove a negative!) and I ended up typing out an entire History of Elinore/Zitka, so, uh, if you're curious, meet me below the cut for:
Where does Elinore / Zitka - the animal - appear in comics?
Did Dick ever have a stuffed elephant toy in comics?
Where does Elinore / Zitka appear in comics?
We're gonna go in chronological order!
Dick's circus elephant friend was first created for practical reasons: in Batman 436, Marv Wolfman does a big expanded flashback to Dick's circus backstory as a way to subtly show us Tim before officially introducing him (so that we can have a technically-solvable mystery-of-Tim's-identity in LPoD). In this comic, there's an elephant named Elinore who loves Dick:
Aww. Such a cute elephant!
Batman 436 comes out in August 1989. New Titans 60 comes out a few months later, in November, and guess what? When Dick visits the circus, he is suddenly surprised by an unexpected blast from the past! It turns out that even though it's been years, Elinore still remembers him!
Here's the part where Elinore remembers Dick:
SUCH a cute elephant. I love her.
(Guess who else still remembers Dick even though it was so long ago. Guess which other character is about to be an unexpected blast from the past. Guess which character Elinore is directly paralleling guess guess guess sorry everything is about Dick and Tim in my mind but I can focus I swear)
Four years later, in 1993, Batman: The Animated Series retells Dick's origin story. They like and keep Wolfman's elephant, but they change her name to Zitka:
Wolfman doesn't return to the elephant beyond those two appearances, and a few years down the line, New Titans gets cancelled and Wolfman's not writing Dick anymore anyway. So the animal gets abandoned for a while, until Devin Grayson, a fan of both Wolfman and B:tAS, revives the Wolfman-era Titans team in JLA/Titans and then the ongoing series Titans 1999.
Grayson then brings back the elephant in a flashback to Dick's past in Titans 16 (Jun 2000), where she imports the B:tAS name. Sometimes I'm skeptical of TV-to-comics imports, but honestly, I endorse this one. You lose the alliteration, which is a shame, but IMO Zitka is a better elephant name than Elinore.
Here's Dick with the newly-christened Zitka in Titans 16:
Grayson also briefly references the elephant in Gotham Knights 20 and - in a final angsty callback - in Nightwing 88 (Feb 2004), where Zitka tries futilely to comfort Dick in the midst of his trauma conga line:
... And... honestly, I think that's it for comic appearances? The two Wolfman comics plus the three Grayson comics.
Both Wolfman and Grayson are writing multiple titles - Batman, New Titans, Titans, Gotham Knights, and Nightwing between the two of them, spanning a big chunk of Dick's post-Crisis canon - and both writers use the elephant for heartwarming moments of nostalgia, which means if you're doing a post-Crisis readthrough for Dick, Elinore/Zitka feels memorable. But I don't think she actually shows up that much.
For post-2011, I am not as well-informed - throwing this out to the dash? anyone know? - but I feel like Zitka the heartwarming symbol of Dick's heartwarming circus past is, uh, thematically very at odds with the Court of Owls evil!circus vibes, so my instinct is that this story element was almost certainly dropped in the reboot.
Did Dick ever have a stuffed elephant toy in comics?
In WFA, yes; in main comics continuity, no. Technically, I have not read every comic ever published, so I could be wrong!! But I don't think so.
Below, find my rambling reasoning on the tonal vibes of pre-Crisis, post-Crisis, and post-2011, and why this particular story element doesn't seem right to me for the first two.
Pre-Crisis (...okay, mostly the Silver Age): stuffed animal, yes or no?
tl;dr no, requires too much background knowledge on the part of the reader, plus the elephant wasn't a thing until later
Elinore doesn't get created until post-Crisis, but also just generally, pre-Crisis callbacks are more along the lines of this reference in Batman 129 (published in 1960), where, wow, Batman and Robin are hunting jewel thieves - and it turns out Robin recognized this strongman! BUT HOW?!
The comic goes on to recap Dick's entire origin story in flashback, on the assumption that you may not know it.
(BTW, if you'd like to know more about Haly's Circus throughout the years, nightwingology has a great post here summarizing a lot of fun plotlines and characters!)
Basically: Silver Age comics are very self-consciously episodic and kid-friendly; they're not generally gonna do overly-elaborate callbacks because they don't know what comics their kid readers may have randomly picked up or remember.
By the time of post-Crisis, comic books were being written for an adult audience buying from the direct market, i.e. readers who are collecting whole runs & don't need or want Dick's origin story to be recapped to us in full every time it's referenced. That's why in post-Crisis, we get stuff like "hey, neat, this particular soda brand is getting mentioned in several different books!!" or "in order to understand this story arc, buy SIXTEEN DIFFERENT COMICS in FIVE DIFFERENT RUNS and read them ALL ACCORDING TO A NUMBERED ORDER and also you better be following the individual plotlines and recognize these five minor characters who we don't bother to introduce!! Good luck!!" But the elaborate post-Crisis plotlines - and subtler worldbuilding like a stuffed animal callback to Dick's backstory - don't make a lot of story sense UNLESS you're imagining your readers as completionist adult fans.
So IMO a stuffed animal wouldn't be a pre-Crisis thing unless it was The Episodic Story Of the Week, and I don't think a stuffed animal is action-adventure-y enough for the fast-paced storytelling of the Silver Age. (Unless it, like, came to life and tried to eat you or something.)
Post-Crisis: stuffed animals, yes or no?
tl;dr: no, Dick's a manly tough guy, he's not gonna have a stuffed animal, that'd be lame, like something Tim might do
Part of the edgy grimdark adult vibes in 80s/90s comics is that some characters who used to be kinda silly & goofy & lighthearted - like Batman and Robin - get reimagined as Serious and Angsty and Edgy in a Tough Cool Manly Brooding Way. This massively affects characterization for Bruce, Dick, and Bruce and Dick's relationship.
(I obviously love this change & love the tense Bruce-and-Dick interactions, but plenty of fans of the earlier fluffy comics really disliked the edgy retcons of Miller / Wolfman / Starlin / et al.)
The upshot is that post-Crisis is a period when you could have a recurring reference like a stuffed elephant, but you wouldn't have a stuffed elephant, not for Dick. I think a toy like that would be too cutesy / childish / effeminate to give a male character in post-Crisis, unless you were poking fun at him.
Now, you could probably let Tim have a stuffed animal, because Tim is sometimes cool but also sometimes a tryhard loser who is faking being cool and not entirely pulling it off (see e.g. the Robin comic where he practices tough-guy faces in the mirror, or the Teen Titans comic where Conner discovers his cringy Enya CD, or when he's fanboying over Connor and it's awkward, etc etc.). A stuffed animal would be deeply embarrassing, and you'd have to be careful to compensate by having Tim do something cool afterward - but Tim's character concept allows for "he's kind of a loser sometimes."
But Dick isn't!! In post-Crisis, Dick's a tough / impressive / "cool guy" character, the kind of guy anyone would want to be, even in the flashbacks where he's Robin, and even in the stories where he's more lighthearted than angsty. It'd be kinda lame for Dick to have a stuffed elephant, so he wouldn't. I feel like Dick would be more likely to poke fun at it if someone had one, like when he's making fun of Wally for liking the Hardy Boys. Dick could have a Batman action figure, at most, and if he had one he would have it ironically.
Basically: in post-Crisis, a male character hugging a stuffed elephant feels more likely to be a punchline to me, not something poignant. (Even with Tim, Tim could have an embarrassing stuffed animal, but he couldn't hug it when sad - that's too far. Maybe Booster Gold might do this. Probably he wouldn't, but spiritually, he would. Sorry Booster ilu! <3)
Instead, Dick instinctively deals with his inner turmoil like the TORTURED ACTION HERO he is: by punching things and brooding and yelling and joining the mob and sleeping on rooftops and going on obsessive secret missions and acquiring Angsty Stubble!! Just like Batman!
(Technically I don't know if Bruce ever joined the mob but you know he would.)
Anyway as you know this is my favorite continuity and I am poking fun affectionately, but uh, yeah sdfsfdsfs. No stuffed animals.
Post-2011 / Infinite Frontier / Wayne Family Adventures: stuffed animals, yes or no?
tl;dr it's in WFA! Probably not anywhere else, but it could be.
Post-2011 stuff tends to be cutesier overall, most of all in the current Infinite Frontier era. So I don't feel like this would be tonally out-of-line with IF comics. Taylor tends to go for more meme-y references rather than fanfic references, though.
So the obvious best fit is WFA, which is aiming for a rough approximation of Silver Age family-friendly vibes - wholesome, episodic plots, Teaching Good Moral Lessons For The Youth, etc. - plus lots of Easter eggs for fanfic readers and some comic references.
And look, here we are:
Aww.
Whew - that's everything I could find!
Anyway as you can probably tell, I LOVE the elephant, so this was a very entertaining rabbit hole to go down, thank you <3
#dick grayson#anyone with more info feel free to chime in & we can crowdsource <3#i do think the toy elephant is awfully cute though <3#total digression but i was thinking about it as i was writing:#i'm fascinated by the ways that the post-crisis batboys & their stories can intersect with 90s masculinity and all its issues with stoicism#and i'm pro-queering and gender-bending - 90s comics were a total boys' club so i think it's neat that transformative fandom isn't#but i do love 90s masculinity and All Its Issues too & one of the things i find compelling about the dick-tim-bruce trio#& especially dick's place in it - is the unspoken hierarchy whereby bruce is manlier than dick & dick is manlier than tim#and so dick's in the middle as this somewhat softer-character who aspires to be a harsher & more stoic & ultimate manly-man character#caught in the middle between robin & batman & what each role represents#and like. batman is both manhood & the only desirable thing to be AND ALSO it represents this immense narrowing of possibility#because so much of stereotypical masculinity is about reducing the range of emotions you're allowed to have or express#and dick is both incredibly conflicted about bruce AND wants to be just like him & by extension is conflicted about masculinity writ large#so a lot of dick's interactions with tim veer between trying on a frat-boy-ish 'I'm The Manly Guy' persona vs. giving up on it#or trying on imitations of Bruce's Batman persona but also trying to backtrack out of it bc he doesn't like how it feels etc etc#ANYWAY i think what i am trying to say is that if tim had a stuffed animal dick would be entertained & poke mild fun at him#and call him 'teddy' for the next hour or something while tim got increasingly defensive about how the teddy bear was steph's#and/or about how the teddy bear was OLD and tim doesn't even care about it and also WHATEVEr i'm above this#and to an uninformed observer this might look like bullying BUT ACTUALLY#this ritual would IN FACT be very reassuring to both of them + tim would feel WAY better afterward than if dick had ignored it#because by poking fun at him dick shows he still respects tim enough to tease him thus subtextually exorcising the threat of wimpiness#plus allowing tim to defend himself & demonstrate that he can take a joke so they've both reaffirmed their masculinity to each other#& they don't have to be scared of the teddy bear and all it represents anymore#however also afterward dick would have a brief nostalgic flashback to when he was a kid & had a teddy bear & feel weird about the memory#because he would be unable to articulate to himself that what he misses is a past when he allowed himself to be vulnerable#anyway this wouldn't actually happen in comics but it's what would happen in my soul. you know.#ask tag#zitka
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Silver doesn't need another father. He's already got one of those, technically, but the man turned out to be a weak, cowardly bastard who couldn't face his own problems let alone raise a child. The way he sees it, there's no need to set himself for more disappointment. He's got a roof over his head and food to eat, and that's far more than he could ever depend on in the last... however many years he'd been living on the streets. Lance and Clair are annoying as hell, but while he's training in the Dragon Den, he doesn't exactly have much room to complain. Not out loud, anyways.
Lance doesn't particularly want to be a dad either. He's already got too much responsibility on his plate as Champion, and this kid clearly needs so much more emotional support than he feels like he can provide. Simply convincing him to move into his guest room was enough of a struggle, and it only really worked because Lance had promised Silver he could "earn" his keep. What the hell is up with that, anyways? He's not sure what Silver's past looks like, and he's not about to go prying, but the bare minimum he can do is make sure he doesn't have to rough it out in the woods anymore. At least Clair seems to be having fun training him...
Clair is more than ready to be an aunt. The other two refuse to admit to caring for each other, but unlike them, she's not afraid of something as stupid as her emotions. The brat's slowly but surely been mellowing out during his training, and her idiot cousin has actually been taking care of himself for once in order to be a "good example." Silver has even caught on to calling Lance "old man" like she does, on account of those ugly-ass reading glasses the all-mighty Champion has to wear, and she couldn't be prouder. Best part is, she doesn't have to spend a dime except to treat the kid every so often! That's a win in her book if ever there was one.
#pokemon#pokemon hgss#hgss#rival silver#champion lance#gym leader clair#warning! lots of rambling in the tags >_>#love me some Father Figure Lance(TM) but the way i characterize him and silver doesnāt completely allow for it#they end up caring about each other deeply but as mentioned neither of them would feel comfortable labeling their dynamic as father/son#doesn't mean lance can't be silver's āold manā and silver can't be lance's ākidā#clair meanwhile is just delighted to have someone else to beat up on /affectionate. she's a big fan of tough love#she understands silver's not looking for a family and accepts it just fine but she's still going to adopt him in her head#the three of them are family now. he can't escape. he's going to be welcomed and taken care of So Help Her Arceus.#part of her likes to spoil silver in a way she never really got as a child#(though that doesn't mean she's ever going to go easy on him during training. if anything it makes her push him that much harder)#(this definitely doesn't make silver think she hates him or anything until lance explains she's Just Kinda Like That)#(she's actually much nicer to silver than most people---she's extremely assertive and has a very strong sense of justice)#(which makes her seem a bit bitchy to others at times (and they wouldn't necessarily be wrong))#((this is making me realize i need to just write a breakdown of my characterization for her tbh))#meanwhile lance tries to give him more freedom and space to breathe since that's what he always lacked growing up#he's still going to be there if silver ever asks but he also recognizes that trying to get too close too quickly will just scare him off#anyways#*vibrating in place with the intensity of a million suns* i am so normal about them. i love them a perfectly acceptable amount.
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you know as a neurodivergent person I only have two fucking requests of anyone I consider a friend: 1) do not cold shoulder or get aggressively angry with me for something you didn't bother to communicate you had a problem with and 2) do not fucking infantalize me and treat me like a naive fragile broken child who is a burden on everyone in my life. shouldn't be too hard right??? insane how many neurotypicals are fucking incapable of doing the bare fucking minimum
#literally the only prerequisites i have for someone to be my friend#like if I love you legitimately everything else is a non issue. it doesn't even occur to me to get mad#and it's not even in a āsigh i will look past this for youā way. genuinely there's very little you can do to bother me if you're my friend#ill just assume you had good intentions#because i trust that you wouldn't intentionally hurt me if you're my friend so getting angry is pointless#but i genuinely don't know how to handle it when people i care about get mad at me. it scares the shit out of me#ugh i can't explain what i mean#but god some people really just don't give a shit once they dont need me anymore huh#it's the way they go out of their way to make me feel like a helpless 13 year old who can't do anything right again#vagueposting the shit out of tumblr dot com#i swear if you manage to lose ME as a friend 9 times out of 10 there's smth seriously wrong with you#because i virtually have no standards and will put up with everything#and am the person who cares too much in almost every relationship in my life
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love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what
#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school#because i cant kick my parents out#and appartments cost money#and i dont have a car to sleep in#i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult#anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships#all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic#or to become a freelancer#i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently#but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago#incredibly good for my mental health as you can see#god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases#but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out#several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just#am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me#on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO#i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager#now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education#and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously#perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money#broadcasting my misery#vent
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my mum kept annoyingly referring to me as "girl" and "woman" by tacking it onto the end of what she was saying to me (š) and eventually I got fed up and asked her to stop, which then prompted her to say "okay, so what would you prefer to be called? nerd?"
.........idk if I should laugh or not š cos like she's not wrong-
#I mean I am out to her as non-binary but like... it's complicated#and what I mean by that is I mentioned it to her about 4 years ago during an argument#because she was saying shit like āthere's no such thing as being non-binary!ā and 15 year old me thought I could educate her#(sadly I thought wrong š„²)#it didn't go very well and ever since then I think she just kind of... pretends it never happened?#so I do too because I'm kinda scared to bring it up again š#however now I'm older I feel like she probably would listen to me more but I don't think she'll ever use they/them for me honestly#and it's okay! I've made peace with it. but I also don't really hide my identity so I feel like if she wanted to realise she would y'know?#I often say things that allude to me not being a woman but she never comments on it so idk what she thinks tbh š#anyways! didn't mean to ramble ajshsjshsj#personal
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i legit love when a character's gender is so integral to their personality (and perception obviously.) like so concrete that if genderbent their whole shtick would just be absolute dookie. anyways i'm just writing this text so i can talk in the tags (My beautiful safe haven)
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this 14 minute song is soooooooooooo FYRE
#text#actually i'm thinkinbg about this only cus i'm drawing female neloff and i'm just like#Elder dookies fans already hate females..... imagine them tryign to handle a woman with NPD that is reaching toxic waste levels#old decaying female with NPD.#but i'm also drawing female neloff for fun cus i have an idea for a look; i don't think it's a good idea#and he is just one of those characters that feel very good in the strict cismale box.#i also feel silly talking about gender-anything in any fiction because that's a topic only Am*ricans with no real problems sweat about#if that makes sense#just not something that interests me in the slightest#actually this might jsut be fascinating 2me because it is interesting indeed to see the different ways narcissism is treated. in characters#if i keep saying females instead of women it's bc i legit love that word. Sorry#and el*nwen+ulfr*c too are those female+male respectively perfectly fitting characters too#but notice how i didn't say cis. exactly. i'm thinking about the person that said elly did his top surgery in the torture basement. 4 free#or maybe i said that and they jsut said they're both t4t. Mmmaybe#the absolute W we copped with elly being the ' ' Big Bad ' ' th*lmor as a woman who is just obsessed with the luxuries of life.#stereotypical high society woman#she's so cute#i might just be obsessed with exploring very traditional dynamics too. i love keeping it grounded yk#Me after reading too many geriatric centuries old novels and huffing copium on sk*rim#i think i legit hate having fun with wilder character personality-morphism (because it is useless) that's not working with what u have#i'm just saying things that will make sense only 2 me now. Bye#why did i develop interest-related nihilism that extends to me hating fantasy franchises and anything that isn't non-fiction#i love it tho makes me feel so sophisticated#this is what happens when nobody humbles you while you draw regurgitated glorified studentXteacher (with a medieval twist) for a year.#i'm so excited for the year to be over not bc it's bad for me but bc i wanna see what all of the n*lvas art i drew looks like together#i wanna compile it like i did with eltl in 2023#n*lvas been treating me so well though liek i've been at such an artistic Peak especially after may#i'm always at my artistic peak tho.#i have a picture of n*relion on my mspaint canvas and it keeps looking at me while i'm drawing . he scares me because who gave him -#- the t*lvas hairstyle and the n*loth beard Bro.
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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#Sevenās Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw negative#cw health issues#āYouāre such a heartless and hateful person.ā well have you ever considered that iām not really a hateful person and i just hate You#like. call me whatever you want to i guess. im definitely selfish and probably heartless but hateful? idk abt that.#i only feel like i hate people that have given me good fucking reason to. sorry i dont have an infinite supply of tolerance & forgiveness??#but im a wee bit fucking stressed so youāll have to forgive me for being a bitch. well no one Has to forgive me. do whatever you want#āThat 10-day old pasta salad is making me feel sick.ā MF that was made TODAY. ITāS FRESH AND THEREāS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT#if you feel sick how about you look down at the fifteen empty beer cans on the floor next to you and ask them what they think did it#dumbass. whatever man i have bigger problems than your self-induced tummy ache#i feel sick too but i know itās my fault so iām not bitching about it. i gave you fresh food while I ate the old stuff to keep from wasting#food. because you act like youāre fucking allergic to leftovers. and yeah it had probably gone off and thatās why I feel sick#but what you ate tonight was fresh as could be so weāre sick for two Very different reasons. and i know how to admit when itās my fault#everything is my fault. my teeth and gums hurt and thatās My fault for not taking care of them. apparently 3 root canals wasnāt enough#for me to learn my goddamn lesson. i never do. so iāll have to spend more money on that soon and thats My fault. the dogās teeth need#cleaning too and thatāll come out of my pocket and i guess thatās My fault for not taking care of him either#i think i have another goddamn UTI and thatās definitely My fault so another $100 trip to urgent care it is i guess!#my Random Nerve Pain has moved to my hands so i canāt use them too much or it fucking hurts and i guess thatās my fault???#my neck pain is back and thats my fault for not clearing my bed off enough to sleep in a comfortable position#my eye keeps twitching and i guess thatās my fault too. i donāt know anymore i just wanna throw in the towel man im so tired#god the UTI tests i wasted money on are arriving tomorrow and if theyāre packed in a way that shows whatās inside then iāll have to explain#That to whoever brings in the mail. great great something else to worry about all night#the living room floor is caving in so now thereās Two roomās floors that need fixing so thatās super fucking fun! š#i need to talk to my bank and i need to talk to a tax professional and i need to learn to drive and i need to get an autism diagnosis#well i donāt Need the last one but i want it so bad. but im scared. that iāll go to all this trouble and theyāll say i donāt qualify#and god itās NYE now. Besties iām not gonna get that NMbD NYE fic ready in time. i just canāt make myself write these days. iām sorry.#i doubt anyone is gonna be That disappointed but I Am. in myself. 3 fucking years now iāve failed to finish it. w h y. i Want to write but#thereās just too much on me rn. but when is there Not. sigh. idk what iām gonna do but something needs to change. in my life. soon.
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what if i lost the will to live like. as a joke. what then.
#i am fine ftr im just. exhausted haha#NOT to overshare about my personal life too much but my dog is dying. my horse is being given back to his og owner this summer / fall.#my dads kicking me out in two years (in favor of his girlfriend and her kids bc he would rather live w them!!!)#his alcoholism is driving me crazy bc hes treating me like absolute shit and berating me constantly#and stealing from me š#ive lost my healthcare benefits + now have to either raw dog therapy out of pocket or loose my therapist#a therapist that took me a year of being on a waiting list to get in w btw#and idk i just genuinely feel like a loser rn like. im a 23 year old unemployed fat virgin who plays video games all day like. š§#where is this going for me. what is the point of it all. in two years im going to be fucking homeless on top of all that#unless some miracle happens bc as is i am too disabled to work.#im just reaching a point where i deeply dont care anymore. whatever happens happens im done fighting it#and ik its the abandonment issues talking here but knowing my dad is planning on abandoning me. š#thats two for two on parents leaving me. my entire family has at this point so like truly i cant trust any relationship#like if my PARENTS find me that unbearable. and my best friend who knew me my entire life thought so. then truly every relationship#i ever have is on a fucking timer like. idk if any besties r reading this im sorry i promise this is in no way a dig at yall#bc you guys do really make me feel loved and secure in a way no one else has but. id be lying if i said i wasnt still scared#anyways enough oversharing#i really am fine and safe rn btw like. at minimum u guys r stuck w me until arc*ne season 2 comes out š#my post
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Doing one of the scariest things an artist can do (draw a tree)
#i'm having like. war flashbacks. to a piece i just irrecoverably fucked up at least a year ago.#that just absolutely obliterated my confidence as an artist. like i feel like i did not recover from that for a long time#to be fair there were more complicated things going on in that one that were above my skill level i think#and that was when i was trying exclusively water colors too (which is. a choice. for a fuck around/find out artist)#but esp reffing heikala's work again like..... ah... it is taking me back. and i am so scared.#i feel like that piece is maybe two years old actually.#either way it was an incredibly significant deceptively personal piece and this one. is also very much that in a way.#it is going to be extremely devastating if i fuck this up.#to my credit. i do feel like i've grown a lot as an artist since then. a lot of things feel more.. doable?#like instead of being above my skill level it feels more like a challenge.#like i'm also gonna have to do some funky lighting in this piece too... it'll be interesting to see how i can do that#w how i've gotten used to using v specific pencils in a v specific way. it does feel doable. just challenging#mostly i'm just scared of trees.
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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ohh all the frustrations and disappointments and regrets of the past 30 hours are piling up...I've actually never cried at work here but there's just so much weighing on me and I wish everything was different but half of it is my fault so I can't even complain...but also. 3:30 in the morning and all
#my tooth still hurts and it's hurt for months and months and the brackets were supposed to help but my ortho hasn't done anything#and I don't care how they look I just want it to stop hurting and I really don't want braces#but im scared if I don't do enough it'll never stop hurting#my legs hurt too why am I so irritated!!!!#im so tired!!!! I haven't seen a single friend in ages!!#and the stupid couch thing is pushing me over the edge. I feel like such a failure#bc now I have to have my famile move it or pay someone too#and the first is terrible! they're all old! but if I don't I'll literally lose hundreds of dollars since I already bought it#and I just feel so stupid#even tho I measured it!!! how did I make this mistake!!#and I really like it too I'm just so upset it's thrown everything off#but of course its too big! its a fucking studio! there's no room for anything! what was I thinking!#also. im on my period#SO.#cor.txt
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dear gods i adore horror tbh but i am way too sensitive to it
#āÆ ź°į starry thoughts ą»ź± *Ā·Ė#idk how to describe 'sensitive' rn i'm dying in the head i should be asleep but Man!!!!!#i search up tons of horror stuff for funsies. movies uhh creepypastas stories real life events etc. fun!#BUT it freaks me out wayyy too much. bcs i really don't deal well w Those feelings of paranoia.#my imagination too good i was scared at night going to sleep bcs i'd imagine what to do if an intruder came in from the bedroom door#or bathroom door and think of how i'd escape Death.........#Did Not Help my area before was kinda yk. chillax. chillax meaning grassy tree-sy backyard overgrown trees#old-ish in a filipino chill neighborhood that isn't very fancy ?????? idk.#and the fact one time my dad almost died and someone standing close to him Did die so. haha. traumatized from that.#I WASN'T THERE..... but i rmbr my dad coming home and the news absolutely terrified me. anyway!#wow... rambling on tumblr at 3 and a half am... Nostalgic.#anyway yeah i love love love horror stuff but i am !!! so bad w them !!! like jesus christ i adore resident evil and bloodborne#is my whole bloodline. or something. but i can't even watch my twin kill 1 zombie in a re game Demo (she can't do it either)#and i can only make it to killing the first monster in bloodborne and explore a tiny bit where there are still no enemies. god.#AAAGGGGHHHhhhh ... and the first point of horror in omori then i stop playing for months...... even tho i rlly wna play more :((#2024 ........ cmon... i will try to overcome my fears more.#i've improved somewhat at least! ...from when i was younger. like. man. i could never stay in night-time in games ever.#ffxv? nah i always have to travel at morning. only when i got strong enough that daemons were nothing to me did i stop#getting scared. ouuughhh... and i always try to be stealthy in games........... for many reasons ofc but 1. Scared#okay i shut up now. apollo rambles of tonight: done and over!
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Barely slept because my very old kitty is sick and this might Be It for her since we do not have the money to take her in and even if we did, it is more likely than not a complication of kidney failure which we have known to be an inevitable end for a while now
#i am feeling. hmmm. not good#she's like 16 to 17 years old at this point. ive had her my sntire teenhood to adult life#she is small and frail and sneezing and exhausted and i dont blame her#its like age hit her all at once so fast#i am so tired and sad and i dont know how to. process or think about it#how do I think about the idea of her life coming to an end. how do i consider if i need to allow the unthinkable#if her suffering is too great for her little body how will i know. how will i know she needs to go#im so scared of making her hurt or suffer longer than she needs to but im also scared of taking away her life out of selfish grief#she deserves a kind and gentle death when the time comes but i dont know how to make that happen for her or when and im scared#sorry if you read this far im just. exhausted and. scared and sad#i dont want to lose another staple of my life so soon after my grandma#vent#delete later
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#sorry to vent post yet again the pms is pms-ing. i am ultimately in the end ok and this too shall pass etc#cw pet death#UNNA IS FINE no worries#i just. i just really miss Pulmu. my baby my sweet old lady. jesus fucking christ#i just. idk i still hold a lot of regret over her last months. i loved her so much I DID but no amount of love#and money and guilt and open mouth sobbing could make her not Old and Sick.#i just refused to see that because i wanted her to be alright so badly#i feel so bad about letting my feelings go over her comfort. i'm so sorry baby i shouldnt have hung on to you as long as i did#of i could change one thing about the whole of world's history it would be that. so you wouldnt have to die scared in a hospital#but i cant do that. i just have to live with the memory#usually i try not to be too hard on myself about it. first of all because beating myself up about it doesnt change anything#and also because i recognize that i was profoundly mentally ill about the whole thing. (not joking)#like i genuinely dont think i have ever felt and been worse than i did when Pulmu was old and sick. i wasnt thinking clearly.#i should have been but i wasnt.#it has been 1 year and about 8 months since her passing and still sometimes i dont know what the hell to do with all that grief#some days i'm completely fine and i can talk about her without problems. and some days i sob into my pillow feeling like i just got shot#ah well. nothing to it but to keep on trucking#i hope she's fine wherever she is.
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