#im just reaching a point where i deeply dont care anymore. whatever happens happens im done fighting it

[scalpelsister]

what if i lost the will to live like. as a joke. what then.

[nikkigrand]

There’s no easy way to say this, but I’m abandoning all of my works. Everything.

This post is going to be long, honest, triggering and deeply personal. So for those who don’t want to read through all of my bullshit, the gist is that I’m not emotionally or mentally capable of writing anymore.

TW ARE IN PLACE.

If you’ve followed me for a while, then you know that my boyfriend was killed in Afghanistan last year. Since then, my life has been a breathless decline into self destruction. I didn’t know—I still don’t know—how to recover from happily waiting for his return to painfully knowing he never will. I swear that some days I feel like he’s still out there and some day he’ll come home and this will all be just a bad dream. I want to wake up to a reality where he steps off that plane and into my arms, where I don’t keep a crumpled old t shirt that smells more of me than him under my pillow, where the shock of hearing certain songs doesn’t make me throw up. A reality where I don’t have to sit in front of his ashes every time I visit his mother and look at his singed necklace around her neck.

I wanted nothing more than to wake up. Just wake the fuck up and feel alive again because for so long I had felt this choking pain and grief and misery and then nothing.

Everything became an escape, something to fill that void in me. I tried all the healthy things. I ate, I worked out, I ran. I talked to people about how I felt and reached out, but nothing helped. I volunteered, i planted trees and flowers, I channeled my grief into kindness. I tried to take all this pain and turn it into something beautiful, and still I felt nothing. I was falling falling falling into this black pit and was reaching for anything to keep me from hitting the bottom.

So I started chasing highs. The standard shit at first. I drank so much alcohol that I’d wake up in bushes with my friends, limbs tangled in ways that left me sore and stinging for days because who the hell passes out in a Rose bush?

At first, drinking was fucking hell, because no matter how much I drank I’d always end up with my head cradled in the palms of my hands, fingers digging into my scalp as I screamed and wailed and asked why why why why when he was so close to coming home and why was life so goddamn mean??? I’d be in bar bathrooms, just curled in the corner and sobbing like a dramatic princess until my friends carried me out. This happened about a dozen times before it just stopped, because I figured I wasn’t drinking enough if I could remember everything.

So I drank more and more and more and then I realized that it wasn’t making me feel better, it wasn’t doing anything for me.

So I started smoking. Just weed, you know. Nothing too crazy at the time. But all that did was make me hyper-fixate on all of my failures and short comings. It made me hate myself so viscerally, so deeply that I wondered if this is who I truly am at my core. A mean bitch who drinks, smokes, parties. A maneater who fucks these poor kind hearted men to fill that hole her dead man left inside her and still finds herself cold and numb after because it’s not enough. It’s never enough.

I’m sure you know where this is going. But I hated myself. I’m a beautiful girl, I’m not blind, and yet I found myself to be so fucking ugly. So fucking ugly and grey and all I wanted—all I needed—was something to breathe life into me the way life itself did before.

I just wanted to feel happy and normal. Only for a little while. That need was so encompassing it would grip my insides and I’d cry from how much I wanted it, how much I had convinced myself I needed it. It was all I fucking wanted.

So the bumps came. And then the lines. And then whole baggies to myself. And it felt amazing, it was wonderful. The world was alive, things were different. I had more energy, more life in me than I had in months. Then the other type of lines came and it made me feel like I was floating away. There was no pain, no misery, no death hanging over my shoulder to remind me that the strength of your love can’t make people stay.

But soon, that too wasn’t enough. Like every other thing, I felt there was something better, something that could make me feel more. So here is where I tell you about all the pills I popped, all the different colored presses and how each one pulled me out of that hole I was falling into and deposited me above the ground —much higher than I could have ever dreamed of—and filled my grey world with beautiful gorgeous colors.

Then I can tell you about all the tabs I let dissolve on my tongue, or fully swallowed out of impatience, all of the lines of ketamine I combined with ecstasy and acid in one night. The things I saw, the way I felt—it took me far from this dismal life and was addicting. I was chasing something every weekend until it became every other day, chasing some feeling I still can’t name, and I knew that it was ruining me.

My grief and my drugs were killing me, and I knew it. With every cotton mouth, every clenched jaw, every pounding headache, I fucking knew and didn’t care. I’d look at my friends faces and I knew, I knew they loved me and would be devastated if they knew what I was doing, and I still didn’t care. What was life if it felt this empty?

My grades dropped, i turned down a contracting job I wanted for years, I spent all my money on psychedelics and stimulants, and it had gotten to a point where I’d pop a pill while sitting at home just because I didn’t want to be sober and didn’t want to think about how fucked up my life was becoming.

Then one day I was at a concert, high in the clouds with a joint settled comfortably between my lips and frizzy hair piled messily atop my head, when I saw a girl get carried out the venue by medics. She was probably a few years younger than I am, and i remember looking at her face impassively as they pushed through the crowd with her body thrown over this bear of a man’s shoulder as if in slow motion. She was pale and foaming at the mouth, with her arms dangling limply down his back, and she looked dead—she was dead. I knew in that same way you know that the sky is blue when the sun is up, I just knew.

And in that moment—those few seconds it took me to acknowledge that she had most likely overdosed and died—this intense yearning shot through me, so strong that I felt it in the crooks of my fucking elbows, like I wanted to embrace whatever the fuck it was that I desired to live inside me, and this voice cried out, “I wish that were me.”

And you know what, I didn’t even know I had spoken until the guy next to me shoved me in the shoulder and said, “no you don’t.”

And that terrified me. I remember dropping the joint, fumbling it in my shaking fingers, burning myself on the lit end, before handing it off to that same random guy and running off to get some air.

I’m not stupid and I’m not blind. I know I’m depressed, I know I’ve got issues, but I had never said something so suicidal out loud up until that point. I’ve never vocally wished for death and even as I sat there, as I looked out at the people outside the venue huddled together doing whip it’s and killing brain cells, I still wanted to be that poor dead girl on that man’s shoulders.

That was it for me. I remember calling an Uber home on the spot and taking everything I had and flushing it. Im not going to sit here and lie to you and tell you that it was easy. I had convinced myself that I needed these things to make me happy, and i don’t know if I can ever see life the same way after them. The feelings you get off these things are otherworldly, it’s so damn good, but they come at a price. You dont feel the same way you did before you took them, and you never will. You’ll never be who you were before that high, but you can almost convince yourself that it’s worth it. So it was pretty damn hard to take my neon presses, my rocks. my capsules, my bud and my tabs, and flush them down the toilet.

Almost immediately after I did it, I cried. Mostly because i had flushed hundreds of dollars down the fucking toilet, but also because I had become that girl in those cheesy college movies. You know the one, the one where the party girl gets addicted to drugs and goes on a bender and her whole life is just one big goddamn tragedy that won’t end. I hate those fucking movies and I, for the life of me, could not believe I was that girl.

I had been military, straight laced with a good head on my shoulders and a hard worker. I was smart, respected, the girl everyone wanted to bring home to mom. And now I was a hot mess crying in my bathroom because I had just flushed my addiction down the shitter.

Now I’m just home, trying to gather the pieces of myself in a way that doesn’t cause long term damage when I’ve yet to hit my 27th birthday.

I still go out with my friends. They know nothing about what I’ve done because I’ve always gone out and done things alone. This is the first time I’ve ever spilled my guts.

So where does FanFiction come into play in all this. Well, it’s simple, really, if you’ve gotten to this point and picked out all the mistakes in grammar. My brain is so fucked up that I can barely write a passable 3 page essay. I can’t remember words, much less how to string them together to form something beautiful in the way I used to. Trust me, it kills me and I’ve agonized over it for hours. I once tried to take this amazing idea I had and put it to paper but it would just not flow. Nothing made sense. Where before writing was effortless and focused, now my brain could barely concentrate on forming a sentence that didn’t sound like gibberish.

My attention span is so short that I literally have to isolate myself with no internet and my textbooks to get work done. It’s so bad that I have anxiety and panic attacks about the fact that I feel like a whole dumbass with one brain cell, where before I was proud of my intelligence and could hold decent conversation.

I’m still pretty, as if that fucking matters, but now I’ve got a stutter and can’t hold eye contact because my paranoia makes me think they’re judging me. And let me tell you, I’m so fucking pissed about that because I know it’s just my fried brain thinking these things, and there’s no one to blame but myself.

And I still feel empty and numb. How can I write about love and human emotions when I don’t feel anything? How can I write about looking at someone and loving them when the memory of love faded like my lover’s ashes in the wind? I just can’t.

I know love as it whispers against my skin with each interaction between me, friends, even other men, and yet I look at them and feel absolutely nothing.

So Yeah, I can’t write my stories if I can’t get my brain or my heart to work.

I’m really sorry to all my loyal readers. I really am. I wish I had been stronger. Thank you for all of your support throughout the years.

Don’t do drugs.

[donttellthemangosiwashere]

Guess who watched Frozen2 yesterday and is back on her AU Juice

ok get this, using thomas’s rewrite for Frozen 1 but also 

you know that theory where Hans is like,,,, a chill dude, and the rock trolls are the evil ones and mind-controlled him into fuckin shit up so Christof would become king? also that

Spoilers for Frozen 2 so,,,, be wary

Virgil is Elsa 

Paranoid shut-in, afraid of scary ice powers, convinced himself he’s perfectly comfortable with being alone forever. Distrusts Dee immediately because he can sense the presence of magic in him, but he doesn’t know that’s what it is at first

Patton is Ana 

Emotionally volatile, quick to trust/immediately assumes the best in people, bit of a hopeless romantic

Roman is Christof 

Agrees to help Patton because “ur a prince, I cant let you do this alone it’s not noble of me to leave u hanging like that”

Remus is Roman’s funky twin brother who would rather just continue being a rock troll honestly

Kinda functions as Sven/Olaf/comic relief buddy character but they also DO have an Olaf and a reindeer steed to pull the wagon. He's hanging out with Patton and Roman during most of the movie

Deceit is Hans

Actually a prince from another country who’s like an ok dude and does grow fond of Patton immediately after meeting him, not evil until later

Logan is the head guard/politician guy with the big nose that was their advisor/guardian after their parents died, you know the guy

He's gonna be much more important in the story. He mostly tails Dee and slowly figures out that there’s something weird about him towards the end, and tries to protect Virgil and Patton from him. He cares about them so much, but he’s bad with emotions, so he’s not great at helping Patton with his loneliness or helping Virgil with his anxiety. Even when the rest of the kingdom starts to turn against them, he never doubts that Virgil is good

Character Thomas is Olaf because that’s cute as hell

He’s an embodiment of Virgil’s love for and protectiveness over Patton, but the longer he exists, the more he starts to develop his own personality and traits based on who he spends time with? So eventually Logan, Roman, Remus, Deceit, and Patton all become a part of him too, and he’s their little amalgamation snow son

(plot stuff under the cut. be warned, i put waaaay too much goddamn thought into this)

Ok so most of the first movie happens as normal. Thomas is just a lovable little anxious snow boy who walks around and dotes over and protects Patton, Reindeer is just a regular animal, Virgil runs away after a freakout, Patton goes to find him, etc etc etc

But when Hans is on the road in the first movie (when him and some soldiers have just captured Virgil from his ice castle and are marching back to the kingdom) their caravan is jumped by the rock trolls. Virgil doesn’t know whats going on cause he’s trapped in a carriage with no windows, but the rock trolls lure Dee away and then do the evil magic thing, they puppet him from then on to imprison Virgil and refuse to kiss Patton.

Roman and Remus drop Patton off and return to the woods, right? Roman’s being all reluctant about it, and Remus is like “im sure he still wants to be ur friend bro, it doesnt matter that he’s a prince and we’re common, you KNOW he doesnt care about all that” but Roman is not convinced, says he’ll ‘think about it’. They return to the rock trolls, and Remus sees the shaman in the process of puppeting Dee, in the “if only there was someone who loved you” scene where Patton is clearly dying. Remus runs to tell Roman what’s really happening, and they get caught. Roman stays behind to fight off the other rock trolls, buying Roman time to race towards the castle and save the brothers

The “if only there was someone who loved you” scene is different, tho. First of all, Dee doesn’t say that. He (and the shaman) are too smart to give up the bit until they are SURE they’ve won. Dee refuses to kiss Patton, but in like a soft way. (Got this scene from my friend Nat on discord, one of the reasons i made this au at all, its fucking KILLER) It’s more like a 

“i mean yes im fond of you but I don’t love you??? We just met” “but you proposed!” “We’re princes, looking for love in marriage is an idea I abandoned a long time ago. I figured I could at least make you happy, and an alliance between our kingdoms would be favorable.” “Oh...” “I could see myself falling in love with you, Patton, i mean that. But right now... If I could break the curse, I would. I’m deeply sorry.... Is there anything I can do to keep you warm?“ “No, there’s nothing...” “How dare your bother turn his magic against you? First he freezes the kingdom, then that golem, then he curses his own brother? (he does a whole schpeil where he convinces an emotionally broken and shellshocked Patton that Virgil is actually like evil and bad) ...Sit here, I will get you some blankets.” (Again, quote @glorifiedpigeon! She wrote a whole scene like this with Dee as Hans and Roman as Elsa, its bonkers as hell!! So good!)

While he’s gone “getting blankets” (Dee’s really just gonna leave him to freeze) Thomas sneaks in, and starts up a fire. Patton tells him not to do that cause he’ll melt, and he’s like “some people are worth melting for.” Thomas can tell Patton he’s upset and they talk about Virgil and how Patton doesn’t know what to think anymore. Thomas melts while keeping the fire warm for Patton, his sacrifice breaks the cold-poison-curse-thing and Patton is saved. The conversation Patton has with Thomas while he’s dying is weirdly familiar, and Patton realizes that it’s a 1 to 1 of a conversation him and Virgil had when they found out there parents died, when Virgil promised to “protect you no matter what, i love you.” Patton realizes Thomas was just a representation of Virgil’s brotherly love for him, which is cute as fuck, and then he goes to save his brother.

Virgil is visited by Logan, who busts him out of his cell, telling him he never doubted him for a second, but he’s wary of Dee. They run away together, panning to go out and find Patton and finally talk everything out. Dee reaches them, and calls Logan a traitor to the crown for helping Virgil escape, insisting that the fact that they are running away proves Virgil’s guilt. Logan tells Virgil to stay calm and keep a hold on his powers, and goes to confront Dee alone. Dee twists Logan’s words and just makes them sound more suspicious, eventually whacking Logan with the handle of his sword and knocking him out. Virgil is enraged, and attacks Dee. He almost kills him, but then Roman arrives, and stops Virgil from landing a killing blow. He’s about to explain what’s happening, and that Dee can still be saved and it’s not his fault, but Dee (with the rock troll magic being channeled through him) Silences Roman with a spell, so he cant speak. 

At the moment, Virgil is scared, distressed, and kinda cornered since he refuses to leave Logan’s unconscious body, and Virgil has no reason to trust Roman. All Roman knows about Virgil is that he’s wicked powerful and volatile, and he knows he can’t let Hans kill Virgil. This leads to the three of them all fighting each other 1v1v1, Hans trying to kill Roman and Virgil, Virgil trying to fend off Hans and Roman, and Roman trying to keep ether of the other two from killing each other while protecting himself.

Patton finally reaches them, and sees Roman knocked out and trapped in ice, incapacitated by Virgil, and Virgil is doin some ice magic at Dee, about to kill him, or at least wound him, to escape. Patton protects Dee, and is like “Yo no wait Virgil, you both have the wrong idea! He’s just scared of you, he’s not bad!” And Roman really wants to say “He IS bad but not in the way you think!”, but he’s still silenced. Virgil’s like “uh yeah he IS bad, look at what he did to Logan!” 

Finally, Remus catches up. He runs in from behind Dee and Patton, so they don’t see him approach until he yells to them about the trolls and whats actually going on. While they’re all distracted, Dee attacks Patton, holding him at knife-point and using him as a hostage to get Virgil to stop with the magics.

How is this fight resolved? Fuck if I know, I kinda wrote myself into a corner lmao. They are somehow able to incapacitate/trick dee, and Virgil uses his magic to override the trolls and free him from the mind-control.

And, at the end, there’s this cute little scene, after Patton is explaining everything that happened to Virgil and vice versa, where Patton’s like:

“Wait, wait! Can you resurrect Thomas??” and Virgil’s all snarky about it like “I dont know, wouldn’t that lessen the impact of his sacrifice? He’s like, a part of me, right? I think he’d like to go out all melancholy and poetic like that” “Virgil oh my goodness if you dont bring back my little snowman buddy I will cry here and now” “Okay, okay, jeez”

HERE IS WHERE THE SECOND MOVIE COMES IN

pretty much the only thing that changes is this: you know the voice thing that Elsa just starts hearing out of nowhere as a sign to fix past wrongs and whatnot? Virgil only starts hearing them now BECAUSE the rock trolls were blocking the signal from reaching him. And, Dee comes with them on this adventure and kinda redeems himself over the course of the movie by being a cool dude. And, the grampa who did the betraying was ALSO controlled by the rock trolls way back when; the rock trolls have been trying to destabilize the magic for years so that they could siphon more of it away from the spirits for their own personal use, and they got greedy once they had humans (re and ro) to work with, wanting political power as well. (Dee has been staying with them in their kingdom, as the ambassador from his country or whatever)

And for all you Shippers out there

the ships for this could be literally anything, dude. like literally any combination works, go fucking hogwild. Doesn’t even have to have a romantic ship or anything, it could just be everyone being platonic lovely babies.

[zerotexas1975]

lights out (part 1);

↳ pairing: taehyung x female reader

↳ genre: friends to lovers au | horror | crack | fluff | smut

↳ word count: 2,254

↳ warnings: cursing, smut for the next part

↳ summary: when your apartment is haunted on a Halloween day but not really.

part 1 | part 2 (final) | masterlist

First thing you notice when you wake up is that all of your doors and drawers are open.

You squint your eyes at the bright light of your phone when you reach one hand to grab it at the nightstand, rolling to your side in the comfort of one of Taehyung’s sweaters you stole.

There are no particular messages you want to reply, so you get up and pad into the corridor to the kitchen dragging your bare feets on the floor and closing all of the doors in the way - and you would have put more thoughts into it if you weren’t so thirsty.

You place your phone at the open kitchen counter and open your refrigerator to fill a glass with ice and water. You massage the side of your head and while you down the welcomed drink, you wonder how and why you are still alive - when the image of Taehyung taking care of you flash in front of your eyes.

Ah, right. Your best friend might be evil and he did dare you last night to drink all of those shots, but he still took you home and helped you in your bed - probably forced down your throat one advil or two too.

You smile to yourself, the fond one you only have reserved to Taehyung and whenever you think about him.

The water you just had felt refreshing though made you feel a little nauseous and you crouch down to open the cabinet under the sink in order to find another pill.

You wince both at the sound of a new message that arrived running throughout the silent place and to the fact that you hit your head when you jumped scared, cursing under your breath after getting up and turning around to grab the device - but stop with your hand froze in the air because when you see it is not there.

A frown adorn your face and you bend over the counter to see if it fell from there and find it on the floor of the living room, meters away from where you left it.

You pick it up at the same time another two messages arrives and you don’t think about anything anymore - the light pain on your head momentarily but easily forgotten when you read the name on the screen.

You feel the smile creeping up on your lips and the way your heartbeat increases, but ignore them as usual.

taetae (11:21): is my dude okay? didn’t drown on your own vomit, did you?

taetae (11:22): should i check?

taetae (11:22): dont forget about the partytttt

you (11:23): stop calling me that

you (11:23): and im alright, you took good care of me ♡

you (11:24): i still hate you though this is your fault

taetae (11:25): not really??? and you love me

you (11:25): hm

taetae (11:26): ㅠ_ㅠ

you (11:26): whatever lmao see you later

taetae (11:27): ( ＾∇＾)

You roll your eyes and go back to the kitchen, shoving your phone into the pocket of your sweater.

You move around to make yourself some simple breakfast, something that will stay inside of your stomach without much effort and not long after you are sitting at the cold floor and eating, the other pill already swallowed.

You munch on your food, thinking about Taehyung’s text and the past week.

You see, there’s this tradition between you and your friends - that started not much after you all entered college. It’s when you find a way, no matter what, to spend a whole week together.

And they chose what they say is the best time of the year.

They chose Halloween.

So every last week of october you find yourself getting drunk, doing stupid things - because you are all stupids, but seeing each other at least.

That was the way you all managed to keep in contact. And yes, you might curse them all for the entirety of the month of november, but dude you have fun.

Even if you can’t remember half of the things that happened - and still have fresh on your mind the ones you wanted to forget.

Like Taehyung avoiding you like the plague yesterday at one point.

You think how it shouldn’t be important, seeing as he took care of you later and texted you today like nothing happened - but he didn’t stay the night. And he always he did.

Pushing the thought away and laughing briefly at the image of - please listen, a drunk Seulgi asking the DJ of the nightclub to play the music theme of Winx Club, you stand up and place the empty plate at the sink.

Taking in one deep breath you stretch your body, feeling slightly better. A nap would make you feel renewed.

Your body stiffen though when you hear the loud pitched voice of a comedian echoing through the thin walls of the apartment - it comes from the TV at the living room, you think, and you frown deeply when you see the images dancing in front of you when you approach it.

The volume is all the way up, and you twist around looking for the remote - giving up when you don’t find it and pressing the single button at the TV to turn it off.

You space out, arms hanging loose at your sides and eyes wide. Your mind force yourself to remind of the open doors and drawers and then the way your phone appeared on the living room when you swear you placed it on the kitchen counter, and now this.

You laughed incredulously now.

You blame hungover and your sleepy state when you woke up and shrug the bad feeling off of your body.

Not that you have really bad hangovers after being taken care of, and not that you were that sleepy when you woke up - but today is the exception. You will pretend at least that today is different.

Unfortunately, your day is really different. Unfortunately because it is not in the way you expected it to be.

Really weird things happened while you tried to distract yourself with chores - that you decided you’d be doing after you tossed helplessly around in bed trying to take a nap.

The shower turned on while you were inside your room and the lights flickered so many times that at one point you lost count. You heard the front door cracking open and then shutting twice, the TV was loud again and you were too scared to go back to the living room - so you just reached your arm out and with the remote of the TV in your room you turned it off.

But what made you snap and take a few clothes and important documents (because you are responsible and smart) and shove them inside a bag was the power.

One moment you were curled up in your bed with headphones and loud music playing, and the other you were screaming because the whole house becomes pitch black - all of your electric appliances shutting down in that characteristic sound.

-

“Well demon, you want my house?” You sigh, taking one last look at your beloved apartment before shouting the next sentence that followed with the loud bang of the door shutting close, “you fucking have it!”

You huff under your breath, carrying the heavy bag you arranged behind you, “I’m going to live in a church,” you muttered. “God bless me.”

You were so irritated that a demon had the courage to haunt your apartment that you didn’t notice that yours was the only one without energy.

Nor the person carefully hidden in the corner, close to the panel boards. Your panel board.

-

Taehyung practices his most serious yet surprised expression in front of the mirror before turning around to open the door and welcome you.

“Hi?” he looks at you with said expression and proud.

You enter his house without waiting for invitation - not that you needed it but you always had good manners, and drop your heavy bag on the floor.

“The party is one hour away,” he eyed you up and down. “Why you are not dressed yet?”

“My house is haunted and I’m going to sleep here with you until the demon decides to have mercy on me and leave.” You cry and your brows knitted together the moment you noticed how crazy you sounded.

You think though that this is not important, not when you are going through something like this.

And Taehyung is just as crazy as you and all of your friends combined - that’s saying a lot because you are friends with Kim Seokjin, so he is not one to judge you.

He covers his mouth with a fist, turning his laugh into a cough before you see it, “a demon?”

“Well,” you click your tongue. “Yeah, maybe some kind of spiritual shit that I don’t have the mental stability to deal with.”

Is just now that you take a good look in Taehyung and see he is wearing a purple suit, and his hair is sprayed with a bright green color. You pout, “I forgot about that.”

“What are you waiting for now that you are here?” He grabs you by the shoulder and guide you to his room, running back to grab your bag to place it gently in your arms.

He did not hear a word you said?

“I-“ you look at him hesitantly before deciding that you can talk to him about it later. You don’t want to ruin his halloween night with something that you hope is just inside of your head, “I don’t have my fantasy here with me.”

He raises one eyebrow at you before entering the room and disappearing inside of the closet. The sound of his voice comes low from there when he calls for your name.

“Here you go,” he hands you a paper bag after you met him and when you grab and open it your jaw drop.

“B-but how?” your confused expression is too cute for him to deal with when you see your Batman fantasy inside the bag, so he bend over you to kiss your cheek.

Sure, you bought it together but you know you took it home with you.

You were sure, and now you are scared of going mad at such a young age. What a waste.

Taehyung is once again holding his laugh back in his throat because of the way you look at him. He move to the left little enough to peck your nose and then he is shutting the door behind him to give you some privacy.

“Don’t take too long, I’ll need help with my makeup!” You hear his voice through the door and sigh in defeat.

-

“Stop moving,”

“Sorry.” He said for the nth time.

“Shush, Tae,” you rub your thumb over his mouth until the red lipstick is all smudged.

You low your hand but can’t take your eyes off of his lips; not that you never noticed but today they are specially soft. They felt soft under your fingers too. Somehow you can even feel it against yours. And you wonder if- “Done!”

Taehyung almost fall off the chair with your outburst and you are stepping back until the back of your knees hits the couch.

You don’t know that, but he was wondering the same thing. Not how your lips felt - that he knew, but about kissing you. And he was just relieved as you were because of your outburst, though the reasons differed.

He watched the way you turned to the mirror and nervously straightened your clothes, a side smile on his face and heart fluttering. You have no idea how excited he is to that party, yet he wasn’t about to deny how nervous he felt. What if his friends were all wrong?

“Why is it called a Batman fantasy when it’s a dress?” You say looking down at your clothes.

He stands up and approach you from behind, holding your back against his chest and resting his chin on the crown of your head, “because it was made for man to look at.”

You elbow him on the stomach playfully, and he moves from behind you with a pained expression. You stick your tongue out to him teasingly and he pinch your arm until you pull him away.

“Child,” he said.

You shrugged, grabbing your phone from the Batman’s utility belt, “c’me here so we can take a nice pic,”

He posed at your side, and in the end after so many pictures and selfies you were laughing at each other’s silly faces.

“Hey, we look good,” you had your eyes in one of the pictures, but he was watching your reflection from the mirror.

He said softly that yes, we do. And your eyes moved from the bright screen to meet his.

How come he looks so hot dressed as the fucking Joker?

The silence that engulfed the room is not weird, but the way the air shifts around you two and how you feel the tension between your bodies makes you gulp, almost thanking loudly when both yours and Taehyung’s phones buzz in your hands.

He is the one to read the message and pull you by the hand out of the house and towards his car, “we should get going, they are waiting for us.”

You don’t know if it was the greatest or worst timing your friends had.

A/N: this was a halloween special that was updated too late after halloween but at least it was out haha thank you for reading and please let me know what you think about this first part!

[johnnysnostril]

You’ve Always Been Mine

chapter 19

`jooheon

nori and misun bowed as our manager greeted us with a smile. after signaling us to sit, nori sat across from me; while misun sat next to shownu.

a few waiters strolled out with a couple bottles of wine- along with champagne, fruits and cheese. as they placed everything on the table, our glasses were filled. i watched as the bubbles floated to the top of the glass. nori picked up a strawberry, tossing it into her champagne. instantly, her eyes went straight down to her phone. i pressed my lips in a line as the light from the screen lit up her face.

“im sure you’re all wondering why i called for this meeting.” manager hyung started.

nori eyes shot up and looked in his direction as he took a seat across from shownu.

“i was looking to speak to you ladies, separately and picking your brains a bit.” he smiled.

our manager was always very respectful when women were around. he was very hard on us, but his manners and character around other people- were fantastic. he was definitely a people person.

“first, i’d like to congratulate the new couple. very nicely done with the statement. how are you feeling misun?”

she smiled over at shownu. “i feel good for the most part. i know it’ll be a little difficult for monbebe’s to welcome me with open arms. but, im willing to win their respect and hearts.” misun smiled.

manager hyung nodded then glanced over at me and nori.

“i’m sure it’ll be a little uncomfortable for awhile, but hang in there.” he took a sip from his glass, then threw a few grapes in his mouth.

i really wasn’t understanding what this meeting was supposed to be about. or why i was even here. i was happy for shownu and misun. but, i was dealing with a broken heart and i couldn’t hide that.

“i would like to start with nori- if thats okay.” he said standing up from his seat. nori nodded, copying his actions. i watched closely as my manager lead her to a separate table, out of eye sight.

`nori

okay, this was awkward. meeting jooheon here and having a conversation with his manager; about god knows what- made my anxiety shoot through the roof.

as he pulled out my seat, i sat down. shortly after, he did the same and fixed his suit jacket.

“i’d like to start off with an apology.” he said in a serious tone.

i furrowed my brows.

“oh.. um, i’m sorry- but i’m not sure if i know what you’re apology for, sir.” i laughed nervously. 

he held up his hand and shook his head. 

“i’m completely embarrassed about how the boys handled themselves in front of you and misun. that fight never should’ve happened- and you girls shouldn’t have been exposed to a situation like that.” he started. “i’m sure you’ve caught wind of everyone knowing who you two are now. i dont know if you keep up to date with the news, but your face has been everywhere. along with misun’s.”

my eyes widened a bit. i wasn’t aware of how bad the situation was.

snapping his fingers, a waiter made his way out- with an envelope that read “nori” on the front. i gracefully took it out of his hands and glanced down at the crisp, manila rectangle.

“i hope this makes up for everything.” he said smiling. 

i tilted my head, pealing back the flap and pulling out a stack of papers. reading on, i slightly gasped. i couldn’t accept this. i slid the papers back in and placed the envelope on the table.

“sir, i-”

“i’m sure you’re aware of our culture.” he interrupted. “i would hate for you to decline my offer.”

i swallowed down the lump in my throat, looking down as i played with my fingers.

“i’m aware.” i nodded, speaking softly. “i’m very thankful for your offer.”

i tilted my head down, slightly bowing. 

"also.” he continued. “i had a conversation with wonho, earlier today.”

i shot my gaze up to meet his eyes.

“about you and jooheon.”

i winced at the sound of his name, then looked off to the side. i really needed a few more glasses of wine before this conversation.

“there seems to be a misunderstanding- about seulgi.” 

his tone changed a little and i was beginning to feel like i was getting scolded by my father.

“they are not romantically involved. please, dont misunderstand. everything i do for the boys, is to better their career. business decisions aren’t always easy, but they must be done.” he stated firmly. 

i turned back to face him.

“i’ve been told that jooheon is very serious about you. hence, the fight between him and wonho. so, dont confuse his work with his personal life. it’s very rare that idols even get to have chances like this. let alone someone they deeply care about.”

i understood what he was trying to say. but, if he thought this was going to get jooheon back in my good graces- he was absolutely right. now, i felt bad and dumb as hell.

“do you understand where i’m going with this?” he asked politely. 

i simply nodded and flashed a weak smile.

`misun

finishing up the wine in my glass, i hummed as nori came walking around the corner with a large envelope in her hand. her smile was faint as she took her seat. 

“so.” i said leaning past shownu. 

her eyes went straight to jooheon, who was looking down at his phone.

“i guess you’re up.” she said in a sad tone.

the conversation must have gone wrong. i hope it wasn’t that bad, since i was next on the chopping block.

making my way over to the table, i bowed and smiled. “thank you for inviting us here tonight. it’s really beautiful.” i announced.

his smile was genuine as he gestured for me to take a seat. 

i crossed my legs, pulling down my dress a little as he began.

“i’m just going to be straight with you.” he said. “being a girlfriend to an idol is going to be the most difficult thing you’re going to experience. there may be moments where you want to walk away from this life. but, you wont be able to.”

i took a deep breath then exhaled.

“i mentioned to nori, that your faces have been plastered everywhere, im sure you’re aware.”

i nodded.

“it wont be easy for you two to go back to living normal lives. i have presented an offer to nori and i’m hoping you’ll accept- as she did.”

he slid an envelope across the table and i looked down at it.

“what’s this?” i asked.

he intertwined his fingers together and placed his elbows on the table.

“an offer you can’t refuse.”

i locked eyes with him and smiled lightly. as i took the envelope, he stopped me for a minute.

“between the two of us, shownu is very happy.” he chuckled. “so, thank you for that.”

i smiled widely and tucked my hair behind my ear. “i’m glad i can contribute to his happiness.”

`jooheon

after talking to the girls, manager hyung made his way back to us. pulling us to the side, he placed his hand on my shoulder. 

“make sure the girls get home safely. i cleared your schedules for tomorrow- just let me know what they decide on.” he said quietly.

i furrowed my brows. “what do you mean?”

he smiled and called the elevator.

“that’s a conversation that you’ll have to have with nori.”

taking his leave, we watched as the elevator closed. as shownu started to walk off, i quickly grabbed his arm.

“i’m gunna head out.” i announced. i really wasn’t in the mood to talk about anything with nori. i didn’t want my emotions to get in the way.

shownu smacked his lips. “for what? why don’t you talk things out with nori?” he asked.

i shook my head. “there’s really nothing to talk about. i’m sure she’d rather be with the two of you tonight, instead of me.”

he slipped his hands in his pockets, tilting his head.

“are you really going to be childish right now?”

i sighed and pushed the button for the elevator. “it’s not about being childish. it’s about respecting her wishes. i don’t wanna fight with her anymore. i just cant.”

as the elevator pinged, shownu nodded his head and gave me a handshake.

“well, get some rest. you need it.”

i agreed then stepped into the elevator, watching shownu walk back to the table.

`nori

my eyes were glued to this envelope. i couldn’t believe the offer inside. it was like i was dreaming.

“nori.” misun said laughing. “i asked you something.”

i looked up at her, flashing a fake smile.

“im sorry, what?”

she rolled her eyes and pointed at the envelope. “what’s inside?” she whispered.

i wanted to know what was inside hers first. i wonder if we got the same offer.

as i parted my lips to speak, shownu came back to the table. i noticed that jooheon wasn’t with him.

“where’d jooheon go?” i asked casually.

he sighed and wrapped his arm around misun as he sat. “he said he wasn’t feeling good.”

shownu picked up his glass, shutting his eyes and drinking the wine.

he wasn’t a very good liar.

“what’s with the envelopes?” he said changing the subject.

i ignored his question, grabbing it off the table and standing up.

“i think i wanna go home now.” i stated.

“what? nooo. please stay with us.” misun cried.

i shook my head. “you guys need some alone time anyway. plus, i dont really feel like being a third wheel tonight.” i shrugged.

taking two wine bottles off the table, i secured the envelope underneath my arm. “have a good night.” i said walking to the elevator.

“how are you gunna get home?” shownu shouted from the table.

“uber. now you can suck your girlfriend’s face off!” i shouted back playfully.

an hour later, back at the apartment

i stretched out my legs as i sat on the floor. yes, i was pouting or whatever.

i slowly reached out for the empty wine bottles, laughing as i accidentally knocked them over.

oh forget it, they’ll stay on the floor tonight.

okay listen- yes, i was drunk. who cares? it’s not like i was hurting anyone.

i huffed, pulling my knees into my chest. struggling to unhook my heels, i kicked them off and threw them across the room.

of course i started crying again. the waterworks were going all night. since i was being so dramatic, i decided to pull out my phone and send jooheon a message or two.

“he’s such a jerk.” i mumbled to myself.

`jooheon

entering my studio, i threw my jacket on the couch. exhaling heavily, i ran my hands down my face and groaned. tonight was hard for me. nori looked so good and i couldn’t even touch her.

before i could sit down in my chair, my phone went off. 

glancing down at the screen, i read over nori’s messages. i furrowed my brows and shook my head.

what was she talking about? she was the one who made me leave her alone.

i clicked on her contact name, calling her. 

“hello?” she slurred into the phone.

i almost laughed.

“nori, what are you talking about?” i asked, slipping my free hand in my pocket.

she sighed heavily and groaned.

“you’re such an asshole.” she yelled. nori was definitely crying.

“why are you crying?”

she mumbled something underneath her breath. i furrowed my brows and tilted my head.

“what? i cant hear you.”

the next thing i heard was the phone dropping and nori gagging. im pretty sure she was throwing up.

i let out a soft chuckle, grabbing my keys and heading out to my car.

standing in front of nori’s door, i called her phone- hearing it ring from outside. as it went to voicemail, i ended the call and knocked on the door.

“nori? you okay?” i asked.

nothing.

licking my lips, i turned the knob. the door was unlocked. what in the world was she thinking?

upon entering, i shut and locked the door behind me- calling out for her again.

i peaked my head around the corner and found her, sitting on the floor with her head resting on the toilet seat. i slipped my phone in my pocket and walked into the bathroom.

“nori..” i said softly. she was still in her dress, passed out. 

as i pulled back her hair, she slightly groaned.

“come on.”

picking her up bridal style, i went straight to her room and placed her on the bed.

she pulled away from me, pushing me back a little. 

“dont touch me, you big meanie head.” she said crying.

i took my keys, laying them on her dresser- along with my phone and sighed.

there was no way in hell, that i was leaving her alone tonight. she’s just gunna have to deal with me.

“don’t cry, nori.” i said softly. she shook her head and covered her eyes.

i removed her hands from her face and wrapped her arms around my waist. as i guided her head to rest on my stomach, she tried pushing me away.

“just stop fighting me. i’m not leaving you.” i whispered calmly.

i knew this is what she wanted. she wanted me to fight for her. and that’s what i was going to do.

“you’re such a jerk..” 

nori began throwing weak punches at my chest. she cried harder with every hit and i just let her take out all her frustration on me. i knew this was hard for her. but, it was hard for the both of us. we really didn’t want to be apart. she just wouldn’t admit that.

“why dont you love me.. why do you want her?..” she mumbled.

i took her hands, once again- wrapping her arms around me and hugged her. she weakly relaxed in my arms and just cried.

i held her and slightly rocked her back and forth as she rested her head on my stomach. i stroked her hair and shook my head.

“i do love you, nori. more than you could ever imagine. i dont want anyone, but you. i swear.”

i snaked both hands to her cheeks and lifted her head to look up at me. her eyes were blood shot red and her mascara was running. taking my thumbs underneath her eyes, i wiped nori’s tears away and sighed.

“this has got to stop.” i whispered. “i dont wanna keep fighting with you, nori. this shit hurts me.”

she sniffled and blinked, releasing a few more tears.

“im so fucking in love with you, it hurts. i can’t handle being away from you. thats torture for me, baby.”

she looked down, avoiding my gaze as she shook her head- like she didn’t believe me. i sighed and bit my bottom lip.

"lay down, please.” i whispered. 

she didnt fight or argue. she simply nodded and laid back. 

walking into the bathroom, i flushed the toilet; grabbed a washcloth- and ran it underneath cold water.

meeting nori back in the bedroom, i sat on the edge of the bed- placing the cloth on her forehead. her eyes were closed and i casually glanced down at her lips. i missed the way they felt against mine. it was cute how her lips were swollen from all the crying she was doing.

i just wanted to kiss her.

[harryff]

First to say it

You sat at the party swooning over Tom Hiddleston . You and harry had separated after some time and he went chatting with his friends and you walked around talking to a few people looking at the art. You sat by the bar it was by coincidence when he started talking it just happened that he came for a drink and somehow you got pulled into the conversation after he introduced himself. You sat tall legs crossed drink in hand trying to look sophisticated. But really you were failing you dopey eyes and loving sighs slipped through from time to time.

Harry spotted you from across the room his curiosity got to him when he moved around to see who you were blushing over. When he realized who it was he felt his a tinge of jealousy in his heart. As much as you raved about the Avengers and you were a die hard fan you could probably walk him through every single movie noting every minute detail. As he got closer he tried to play coy but his eyes kept diverting to you to find out exactly what was it that had you sitting like you were talking to your highschool crush.

You smiled at Tom nodding your head listening to him talk. Really it was the accent that got you. You were shocked to feel lips on your cheek and when you turned around you saw Harry smiling at you

“Hey!”

Tom greeted him “Hello how are yeh?“

“‘M good mate” Harry shakes his hand

“Harry Styles?”

“Yea! Tom Middleton?”

“Yea you’re very talented” tom compliments him

“Not as much as yeh hope t’gain the skills yeh have”

“Oh this guy!” Tom points at him

You smiled at Harry before turning your attention back to Tom. You believed you could listen to him speak all day and all night. That you probably couldn’t stay mad at him if he was your boyfriend. You bite your lip thinking of all the dirty things that would slip out of his mouth when he was deep inside you. You try to hide by looking down for a moment but Harry saw it he saw that look of lust the look you gave him from time to time and that tinge of jealousy turned to full blown jealousy.

It takes you a few moments to realize that he walked away from you and it took Tom walking away from you for you to come to your senses and look for your boyfriend. He stood looking irritated his tight lipped smile and solemn look on his face concerned you.

“Hey!”  you say happily “you ok?”

He nods at you without looking at you “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing” he dismisses you

“Sure?”

“Yup” an extra emphasis on the ‘p’ is all you get.This is what he did when he got in this mood. You were ignorant to the fact that this was about you and no one else.  When his demeanor towards you doesn’t change, you realize that this might have something to do with you. You try hold his hand only for him to slip it out of yours, when you lean on his shoulder he ever so lightly shrugs you off your feelings are hurt you cant seem to figure out what it is that you did.

“Are you mad at me?” you ask when he ignores you for the 100th time Harry  you step in front of him “Harry I’m talking to you!”

He gives you his famous blank stare before stepping around you. You huff and walk away from him. He was being silly he could talk to you there’s nothing wrong that you did.

You walk around some more and spend an hour making small conversation. After awhile you feel lonely and gravitate towards him you don’t make a sound you don’t try to show any affection you stand to the side listening to his conversation your mind races trying to figure out what you did that has him behaving this way towards you.

“Stop pouting” he whispers in your ear startling you “Im not!” you look up at him

He cocks his brow at you “Yeh’re”

You sigh and look away shaking your head “Why are you mad at me?”

“Yeh really dont kno’?” he chuckles

“No! Talk to me please”

“Fine’ll let yeh think about it then he says being stubborn. He walks away from you and at this point you don’t care anymore if he wanted to be mad that was his prerogative. You decide tonight was your night to have fun you drink more alcohol and your sullen mood dissipates.

“‘M ready to go home” He startles you once again whispering in your ear

“Ok”

He holds his hand out for you but you can be just as childish as him. You walk past him towards the exit. The car ride is silent you’re both refusing to talk to each other.

When you get to his home you’re giggling at your silliness you’re not drunk more like tipsy at this point

“Can yeh not?” he barks at you

“Whats wrong with you? why are you grumpy?”

“ ‘M not grumpy!”

“Ok fine!” you shrug and  walk to the fridge reaching into the freezer to grab the ice cream.  You stand in the kitchen smiling at him he was cute when he was angry “You know your eyebrows make a perfect line when your mad”  you comment. You demonstrate with your index fingers “you know they make these lines like the cartoons so we definitely know you’re mad”  you giggle

He looks at you and  ignores you turning his attention back to his phone

“Seriously what did i do? why are you mad at me?” you whine

“Yeh seriously dont no’ ”

“No i don’t!”

He imitates your behavior when you were talking to Tom he sighs lovingly then glares at you

You laugh “Harry are you serious?“

“‘M bloody serious”

“But Harry” you whine  

“No! Yeh fuckin ignored me!”

“I did not!”  you try not to smile

“Yeh did i came ‘nd kissed yeh nd its like i wasnt there”

“But i acknowledged you” you try to reason

He shakes his head

“And you cant be mad at me! As much as you bite your lip at models and other singers”

“Not the same” he grumbles walking towards the bedroom

“How is it not the same?” you follow him

“ ‘S just not”

“Well i didnt go home with him!” you say with your hands on your waist

“Looked like yeh wanted to” he peers at you over his shoulder

“I didnt even go back to him i came back to you and you ignored me!”

“Whatever”  he mumbles

“Harry!”  you pull him back to him “im sorry” you giggle

“ ‘S not bloody funny Y/N”

“Im sorry youre just so cute” you grab his face gently

“Stop!” he pushes you away

“What are you worried about? that i might leave you?” He remains silent still scowling at you

“Oh please like you wont leave me all those damn models!”

“I won’t!”

“Is that it? You’re worried I’ll leave you?”

“Fool to leave me if yeh dare”  he smirks at you, feeling confident about himself

You smile “I would be a fool” you wrap your arms around him “because you’re so talented” he tries to push you away but you lay your head on his chest holding on tighter “ you’re so handsome and most importantly” you look up at him “you’re the love of my life”  you laugh

He looks confused for a second. You almost freeze where you stand you giggle and let go  shrugging it off. That was the first time love was ever verbalized between you two. You were the first to say it.

“Wha’ did yeh just say?”

“You ruined it!” you fold your arms pretending to be mad pouting your lips  

“What did yeh say Y/N?” he insists he holds a serious look on his face

You swallow hard “I said you were talented” you say walking backwards

He follows suit walking closer to you “No after that”

“Uh and handsome” you blush

“Y/N” he stops in his tracks

You almost whisper “And you are the love of my life”

He closes the gap as you back yourself against the wall “youre drunk” he tries to explain to himself

You giggle “No not really just hungry”

He steps back once more looking at you

“You don’t have to say it back if you don’t feel that way” you smile at him

It looks like he’s trying to read you see if youre lying.

His gaze and lack of words make you nervous “Ok”  you try to move around him but he blocks you pulling you back.

“Say it again” he speaks softly

“I love you!” you grin

“Not bullshittin re yeh?”

“No” You shake your head “I’m in love with you ”

He grabs your face and pulls you in for a loving kiss before he moves to your neck his breathing heavy “say it again pet” he presses his lips to the column of your neck leaving  soft spongy kisses

“Uhm” you sigh “Harry” your hands hold onto his biceps

“Say it again petal” his accent is so thick, he licks from the base of your neck to your ear

“Ungh” you moan you push him back and catch your breath “I love you” you speak softly looking deeply into his eyes

“Can listen to you say that all day.” he smiles at you

[pitbullmomforever]

I probably shouldnt vent any of this but i got off the phone with my counselor and she said let it out so, I am if I dont I'm going to feel worse and I don't care who thinks this is stupid, I slept and woke up with my heart hurting over things in my life and my mind clear so Im being honest....Seriously haven't been so happy or smiled like this since when these pics were taken. Especially the first two was 01/13/2017 night that meant everything to me, the others were after and later down the road. Wasn't always happy I know that, but i have so many pictures over the years that show me the good times and remind me why I need her, and cant get over her. I could try and make myself go into the mind frame of her being a bad time or part of my life, but I really do love her deeply and wont be able to think of her that way even in bad times. Shes My person. And whatever happens thats just what she will always be for me. And I really need her, I know its not on someone else to make me happy or help me get through the things in my life, but when you bond with someone like i did with her, they just become apart of you and life isnt the same without them. So I guess I'm just putting myself through more hell not letting go of someone who doesnt see me as her person anymore. But everyone knows my crazy attachment to my dogs and how they bring me something nothing else can in life, well through good or bad times she is this for me, and its been one year apart. Talking on and off. Trying to move on and my heart and mind always come back to her. So it is what it is. I accept I love her and wont let go, my dogs miss and need her and have since last year. Awhile back I gave up on getting over her and trying to date people, and realized I compaired everyone to her and they just didnt click for me or my life with my dogs. She isnt perfect, I'm not either, but she has something about her and how when she did love me and take care of our family that I know wont find again. And I'm okay with being alone if not with her. She is happy and doing good, thats what I want for her. Wish i was doing better with everything I'm going through, but I do wish we could enjoy the good about one another again in the new life we both made. Chance to smile and laugh like we did once before. Put the bad times behind us, and make happy new memories. But she obviously doesn't want or feel the same as I do, and it really has me lost. I'm not being crazy and Im not going to be some crazy ex that bothers her the rest of our lives, if she ever wants me again or changes her mind she will reach out, she has before. I'm not being extreme about this or reacting too emotional over her, Ive done some intense therapy to understand where I was at with her months and months ago and still am. When i made peace with the hurt and stupid things we could have fixed then I started to battle with do I or do i not reach out to her and tell her how I feel. I tried, a few times over the months, but never got the response i hoped for so it has been just weighing me down. Til recently I let it all out and now dont know if I should have or not. So I hope for the day, but now I have to deal with these empty feelings of not having her and then losing my dog at any point without her to get me through it, so I only want her to be happy and if she thinks I cant be a part of that in her life or she doesnt need me around anymore, then it hurts but I want her happy regardless. I do miss the happy smiling her. Im missing out on her like that, but she is missing out on all the good I have become as well despite the unexpected problems that life has thrown at me. I would be worth it, I always was worth it. So was she. Hoping for miracles to happen with this and Sierra, but having to realize somethings may be impossible. I didnt think Sierra would still be here and bounce back this long though... Is everything impossible then? I'll keep the hope and keep loving her no matter what, my life and my struggle, guess I'll be waiting forever.

[thedurangedrantsofamadman]

Dear Druid

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you feel so shitty and I’m sorry for letting you down. I never intended to hurt you like this but it played out this way regardless of how I felt. I know that I don’t feel the same way about sex as you do but it isn’t something I would be able to do with just anyone. And you aren’t just anyone. You are the only person ive ever been comfortable with tickling me. You are the only person ive been truly comfortable being naked around. You are one of the only people that i am so comfortable around that i dont feel the need to protect myself at all. I have never trusted anyone so quickly and so deeply. You are the person that i talk to my friends about. You are the person that i think about seeing the most. You are the person that always says the right thing to make my heart melt. I care about you deeply and I have done my absolute best to not fuck this up, to not push you away. Yet here we are. I tried so hard not to fall for you because I was afraid you’d leave me if I did, because I’m not ready to feel that way again. I have so much work to do to get myself to a point where I can be OK again because I’m not OK. I’m unstable and riddled with doubt and anxiety and all I want to do is hurt myself. Any time someone pushes me away i assume i did something wrong to deserve it and i let it happen. I’m so fucked up and opening myself up to get hurt again is to big of a risk. Yet here I am hurting anyway because I have made you hurt. I wanted to bring you into my life and make you my new best friend. I wanted to spoil you and make you feel amazing and instead I’ve neglected you and left you feeling unwanted. And for that I am so sorry. I will do anything within my power to fix this. If you need time then I will give you all of it. I will wait as long as you need me to. If you need to hate me for a time then do it. If you need to erase my contact and go on with your life without me in it for a time then by all means separate me from your life. I’ll wait for you to be ready to forgive me. No matter how long it takes. Because when I’m with you its beyond difficult to feel down. Because you help me smile and laugh and it feels like everything I’ve been missing is within reach. Because you are light and happiness and laughter and joy. Because I want you in my life more than anything and no matter how much I enjoyed the time we have spent together and how involved with one another we have become it wasn’t worth losing you over. There isn’t a single thing that would be worth losing you. I am sorry and if there is any way I can make this right please let me know .

I try my hardest every single day to not let my depression sink in but it always finds a way. I give all that I can to the people I care about and they still turn on me. They still end up blaming me. I always end up the same way, alone and empty. No amount of effort short of medication will ever be able to change me. This is just how I am. I trust everyone I meet with my life and only after I care for them do I doubt them. I cant stop thinking that they are hiding something from me and if I can’t find a problem then I become it. I become the reason that things are kept from me. I become the reason that people can’t be happy around me. Everything I have or ever will have I will ruin and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest. I’m sorry that I have been so damned afraid. I’m sorry that I have been so confused about my feelings and so difficult to understand. I’m sorry for feeling the way that I do and I’m sorry for how everything has happened.

I’m sorry that I’m getting in the way of our friendship and I’m sorry for treating you the way I have been. And I am beyond sorry for every single second that I have ever made you feel anything less than amazing. I wish that I could have overcome my fears and been more than this but I didn’t, I haven’t, and I probably never will. I’m sorry that I lied to you and I’m sorry that I lied to myself. But I’m not a good person. I am tiny and petty and filled to the brim with negativity and from this point on I am not going to be what makes you happy. I can’t be that. I am too consumed in my own pain to be anything of use to you. I’m glad that your feelings have subsided and I’m glad you can move on now and I hope that you can be OK and that whatever it is that will make you happy that he is it

I’m not okay with this. I’m not happy with this. I can’t fucking stand this. Every time one of us reaches out the other shuts down completely. Neither of us trust each other. We are both getting consumed by our jealousy. I hate this druid. I keep having panic attacks when I see you and when I shut down because of it you shut down and say I’ll talk to everyone else but you and that’s true because I’m not having panic attacks over them. I’m not consumed by mixed feelings and jealousy over them. Just you. And I don’t know how to make it stop. I’m so uneasy over all of this and I can’t seem to get you into a room alone so that we can talk. There is so much I want to say so much I want you to understand. You keep shutting down because I talk to Zelda and Grace more often then I do to you but I constantly try to come up with a reason to be there, to be at the wares stations so that I can see you because I want to talk to you. But half of the time he is there and I cant be me when he is. I can’t say that I love you and that I just want to hold you until your worries are gone. I can’t spill my heart to you no matter how much I want to. And somehow we reached this point where we don’t trust each other and we shut down at the drop of a hat. I miss you all the time I want you by my side every second because you are an anchor. You keep me here, in my body, in my head, like no one else does. I want you with me. I want to be yours and I want you to be mine. I know you don’t trust me but I do still love you. I do still want a relationship with you. And I fully intend to keep my promises to you. But I don’t know if this is the right time for us. There is so much standing in our way right now and two of those things seem to be ourselves. I keep thinking of what to do and I’ve got nothing. Every time we talk we just come back to loving each other but not knowing what to do and then it repeats. We just keep hurting and nothing changes and its making me miserable. I can’t stop getting upset and I can’t calm myself down long enough to talk to you before you shut down too. I’m trying so hard to be more than this, to be more than I am and it isn’t working. I’m still this, I’m still me, a tiny jealous and fragile human. You wanted me to talk about it so here it is. This is what’s on my mind and I can’t keep doing this. I can still talk to you, I can still be your friend, I can still be there for you, but I can’t keep holding onto the hope of having a relationship with you. Maybe the time isn’t right, maybe we aren’t ready, but either way we aren’t happy and we aren’t together and nothing is changing. It feels like I have to cling onto you with everything that I have just to keep you from shutting me out entirely. Every time you try I do everything I can to stop you but that buys barely anytime before you try again. I don’t know how rambly this is right now and I’m trying not to be petty so I’ll end here. Im sorry.

I can not do this. You don’t talk to me about what is on your mind. You don’t tell me when I’m doing something that bothers you. You text me pretty inconsistently as it is and when we are together you seem more absorbed in texting other people then you are in actually talking to me. You don’t trust me and I can’t figure out why cause you won’t talk to me. I don’t trust you because we never talk and because I’m keeping things from you even now because i never know what’s going to hurt you and what isn’t. So here. i have sent all of these other messages about my feelings so that’s what I’ve been keeping from you. About a month and a half ago I kissed someone and we pretty much haven’t talked since then. It meant nothing but its not like I could tell you that because you’ve been getting upset over me talking to other girls while I’ve been trying to stay calm whenever you talk to him or the few times you’ve kissed him in front of me. I don’t know what you feel for him or what’s going on between you two but I’m not doing this anymore. I’m not going to continue this shitty cycle of us lying to each other.

First off let me apologize for how I have been acting. I have not been open with you about my feelings, at least not completely, at any point. I always have a little bit that I hide or in some cases a lot. So here it is. Everything above this is my thoughts or feelings from some point during the time that I have known you. I know I've shown some of them to you before but I can't remember which you have or haven't seen so here is everything. Now let me clarify a bit more. Part of me has resented you for since the first time we stopped talking. When we expressed feelings for one another you told me that you would wait until I was ready because you wanted me to like you for you and that meant a lot to me. After a little while though you expressed that you weren't comfortable with us having sex while not officially dating and all I was concerned about at that point was you. I was worried that you would need some space to get your head right and to be ready to be friends. I didn't think you wanted to wait anymore and since we couldn't be together that you needed to give up on the relationship. So I offered space. I don't know if you thought I wanted to push you away or if you thought I didn't want you anymore but you grew angry and we stopped talking. And in that lapse of communication you ran to him. You ran to someone else. You chose someone else that you could have then and there. When I asked you about it you said that you needed to be in a relationship but that wasn't good enough and that still isn't good enough. So I opened up more and for once I was selfish. For once I told you the truth of what I wanted. I wanted you. Yes I wasn't ready, yes I wanted to wait, but I wanted you nonetheless. And so you told me that you would end it with him. You told me that I was the one you loved. But you still talked to him. You still spent time with him. You turned to him for rides before you ever tried asking me. You put off ending it as long as you could and then finally told me that you did but then you kept telling me that he was begging for you pack and that he wouldn't give up on you. Meanwhile we remained intamite as we had been previously and we carried on as if we were together even though we weren't. And he still clinged to you. We argued and shut down and pushed each other out. You spent half of your time texting other people when you were supposed to be with me. And through it all he clinged to you and you let him. I wanted to trust you, I wanted to love you, I wanted to be with you, but in the back of my mind every time I saw him I thought about how you chose him and I thought that you would always choose him over me. Saying that you need to be in a relationship isn't enough because if you can't exist as an individual outside of a relationship so much so that you need to be in an unhealthy relationship just to feel whole then you were far less ready for this than I ever was. I know it was petty to give back everything that I did but I needed to make a point. I needed you to see for a second how much this has hurt me. Because you have made it clear to me just how much you have been hurt by everything that I've done. So I need you to understand. I love you. And you picked him. You said you would wait but you lied. I told you I wanted you now and you still couldn't trust me. You still couldn't give me a reason to trust you again. The way you have been acting, randomly saying I'd be happier with someone else before shutting me out completely, getting angry and jealous when I so much as talk to any of my friends, and trying to make me feel bad for actually opening up to them, is the same way I would act if I was hiding something from someone. You have been acting how I would when I am keeping someone in the dark. And that terrifies me. Ive told you so many times about how easily I am used and how important honesty is but I can't believe anything you say because you've lied to me a few times so what's real anymore? I need you to understand that being trapped in a situation where I can't talk to you out of fear of upsetting you with my feelings and where I also can't talk to other people out of fear of upsetting you has been hurting me so much. This has hurt. I am hurt. I'm hurting so much over this that I can hardly look at you. I can't stand this. You made me promise that I wouldn't let you push me away but you never said you would make it this difficult. I can only fight for so long to stay in the life of someone that I don't feel wants me in it anymore. So there. Thats everything I could think of. These are all of my feelings. Do with them what you will. Having expressed myself, I will continue to be and will always be as good of a person as I can be. If you need help or need someone to talk to I'm still here and maybe one day we will be friends again. But I can not and I will not hold onto this relationship with you. I love you but we are drastically unhealthy for each other. We shut down and push each other away and I can not do it anymore. I can't build a relationship with someone I can't trust. Not again. So if you need me you know where I am. Otherwise I hope that he makes you happy enough that when you go to sleep at night you don't have to think about whether or not you made the right choice.

[t33th1ng]

soulmate 2:16-3:16 - march 2016

theres something hidden into this city that i love deeply and i have to find it again. 

i saw it once , years ago , as a child . i lay on my back in a narrow dark street. my vision is blurred i dont know how or why im here . i crook my head back farther, farther...... and the clouds part open , or a screen is shifted , and one skinny fall of sunlight comes down to shine on this fern thats growing outward from a damp wall by a door. i blink and my vision clears , i blink again , then three times, then someone grabs my and pulls me upright and takes me away.  for three blinks im on my back as a child , in a crooked alley, the cement under me is uneven, grimy, wet. my head is tilted back and the muscles in my neck ache from it and i see the fern sitting in that moment of light . then i leave . im in love

*

oh i am obsessed with it , i need to find it . i dont know how. my memories are broken across my life , i dont ..... know .. i dont know where anything is. i scratch at my head like some dumb animal bored to death on a chain. i click my teeth ......

*

i spend my years memorising the fern in the light , knowing i have to find it again . but when , but how ...

one night i try to leave to find it , but i am caught , and returned , and i cant find it that way . i must bide my time . i guess . i think ive waited long , so long . so i know i can do it ive spent this much time waiting i can spend a little more and i dont want to !  but i can , i certainly can. 

memory ... memory .... where does my memory sleep? where is it in my head ? i know that i must know how to return, because i have been there once before . there must be some remnant left from that trip, some rind, some little toenail clipping of memory to show me how to go back . i try to plot this pilgrimage but its so so hard. i cannot imagine, i cannot fathom ... 

i need to though . i must . i love it dearly, i love it with my full self and i have to see it again . 

* 

i go on a small walk early in the morning. the air is gray . im not trying to find the fern by the door today, i just need a walk , for my legs and my mind. i walk hard, smacking the bottoms of my shoes onto the pavement so the earth knows im here. i go by businesses and houses and two parks, i pass a courthouse and a museum. i walk all the way down to the wharf and stare into the glaring cold ocean below me . 

it stares back. i see a crab, and i turn around to start my way back. 

i feel the ocean lurking at my heels as i walk away. i regret coming here.

*

i eat a plum today . i eat it slowly and think about the fern and the door. its flesh is cold and soft. 

the fern, the door, where are they , they are hiding far away from me but i know. I Know. they are in this very same city as myself. i grind the thin bitter plum skin between my molars. where could they be ........ god i must find them. 

i make so many plans to go out , track them down , and they all fail. there is a component missing . something causes my failure but i dont know what it hurts my head! it hurts my physically ! 

*

a solar eclipse is approaching and i think it is important. i plan to leave on the eclipse to find my love and i wont return, never. ill never come back. the eclipse is five days away, now four ...... i watch the sky 

does the sun know? is the sun plotting ? do they all know up there , all those monsters hanging up there, do they know about eclipses? no . they are also dumb animals , on a chain , just like me . we are made of star stuff after all . thats one big chain. 

the sun dissapears so slowly, being gently eaten away, and i make my leave .  the streets run with people viewing the eclipse. they gather at opportune places - the tops of their apartment buildings , on the beach, on a hill in a park. i slide past them, they are so thick around me . the street is fucking clotted with humans and i swim through them. 

at first they seem oblivious but slowly, i realize, that theyre on to me. i dont know what it is; probably the sun being so weird. it must affect our brains somehow. but they can sense my presence and sense my drive. they know what im up to . not every single one, i dont think....but enough that it worries me. 

their many presences stick to my brain. i try to shake them.. i cant shake them. god theres so many , this city is overrun ...... ill ignore them though , ill ignore them until they make their move. if i act like i dont know what theyre doing then they will let me through for longer .. i have to pretend , for my sake , if they realize they Will tear me apart.

*

the eclipse is over and people are returning slowly to their duties . even with the sun back to normal though some of them are still following me ... not physically (yet) but mentally. theyre keeping tabs on my brain... i travel on anyways pretending not to know. i think i am getting closer ....

*

it is getting darker, darker ... i know i am approaching . im manic , im full of feverish blood and im close , so close, closer than ive ever been. i feel presences behind me , theyre on me like a pack of goddamn hounds , theyre closing in around me but they havent caught me yet. 

i push past people and i dont care at this point , they all already know what im up to no reason to keep secrets anymore . a big broadcast has been made across the city, they all know now. so i push and claw past them, gush through their crowds like a ravenous slime full of intent . im full of purpose .. 

the evening air is cool . i gulp it down. dusk is on us now , the light getting dusty , people crawling around bars now , the atmosphere is becoming heavy and grips at me . it sinks into my pores to try and pull me to a stop but i push through, its a miasma , its some kind of hellish gasses released to try and sedate me. i wont listen to it though . im not stopping until i find my love again.  all the people coming out now to go to bars .. oh , it must be the alcohol. they drink , and breathe out, and the alcohol mixes into the oxygen and tugs on my with evil purposes. it is not pure of heart ......... the entire atmosphere here is trying to get everyone drunk. or , more specifically , trying to get me drunk , trying to contain me... i wont allow it. i have miles to go before i sleep. 

*

its black now , its late , my vision blurs , my breath hurts , occasionally i find myself scrabbling like a cretin on my hands and knees , dragging myself through puddles of filth and scraping all my skin off , leaving a trail of myself behind on the asphalt. i try to stay on my feet as much as i can but my minds so clouded by this heavy atmosphere its hard to do what i want . 

im deep , deep , into the city now and i rarely see people . maybe they have given up ..  maybe they think that since ive gotten this far ill just kill myself , wear myself down to nothing on this pavement . sink to earth as a dribble of grime ..... it seems a pleasant option at this point . i hurt , i ache , my brain is screeching . but i wont , not yet . 

i did not leave with the intent to die but i think thats whats going to happen . i will die on the roots of this fern . i cannot imagine Living again after this .. in fact i do not know that i am really alive right now . i do not think i am ...  im decomposing ..... the skin trail behind me ..

*

gravity pulls me across the ground now . i know i am still being monitored but i cannot care , i do not care , they can have my carcass if they give so much of a shit . im oozing , rolling , sloughing , im not a sentient being barely im just matter with a purpose nailed to its core . i can no longer stand on two feet , i can barely crawl . and i dont see almost any people by this point . when i do , they are disgusted . they avoid me . i have grown into a beast that they fear mightily 

i am upon it now , i am upon my love . i reach my tongue out of my face to try to taste it , it comes every closer . i haul my unraveled remains over the cold concrete , my fingers scraping thin , my belly an empty cave now . there do exist pictures of me as a child , a baby . i am shown these . 'oh, what a cute little baby you were! look at those fat cheeks...' i shake my head . no . no that does not exist anymore , that baby decayed and im the rot that is left . i was eaten and chewed apart and drooled back out whatever that baby couldve grown up to be will never exist : i killed it and took its place . im an imposter .. an imposter 

i peel my face up from the ground. only one eye opens itself . i can see it now , the object of my affections , my love , my love ... the little door , the little fern beside it . i force my body to move slowly slowly , i cant manage anything better . i smell the damp mold , the rot , the neglect and the soil and the old stale air . im so so in love . im so in love . and im almost to the door 

oh and im there , im at the door and i fall to earth in pain. im panting and drooling and cant feel my body , whatever is left of it . i truly am dying , almost dead . i push at the door. it doesnt open but the vibration from my action , my little attempt , shakes raindrops off of the fern and they fall on my face . they fall on the thing that used to be my face ..... 

the door isnt locked i dont think , but its so warped by moisture , the wood is so puffy , that its stuck . i shoved my shoulder against it , my slippery sad shoulder . god . how could this shoulder have grown from that little baby , how did i become ...

i shove again and again . shockingly there are tears left in my body and i cry. the fern bobs above me . the city moves around me . those monsters in the sky they turn above us all . the air still comes and goes from my lungs , and i can still feel the pain of my failing body . the people of this city , the forces that be , perch invisibly above me , monitoring me . they grab up my brainwaves in their hands , those vultures , those shiftless parasites , they eat up my brainwaves and gather information . i just want to be alone , somehow , let me be alone 

the doors groans and pops open, just barely . i rest my face between it and the doorframe , breathe deeply. all is dark and all i have is the smell of soft wood and old air and dust and the rain and the fern lives above me. oh . i am so in love ...