#I feel so alone and like such a burden
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One of the worst parts about being chronically ill is that it impacts your ability to work and function like non chronically ill people do. Because of this, it also impacts your financial stability and makes you feel inferior and as though you’re a burden to loved ones.
#I know no one here cares bc it’s just the Internet and I’m just a stranger but fuck I’m so sad and feel like I’m grieving the fact#that I’ll never be neurotypical and now I’ll never be fully healthy#I feel so alone and like such a burden#all I want is to be able to afford my bills and groceries and maybe travel home to seen my family and I can’t do that :(#idk I just really am having thoughts of relapsing (I won’t) but what’s the point?? I’m always going to be ill#negative tw
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can’t talk about it
[ID: Black and white comic of Vash and Wolfwood from Trigun Maximum. The comic starts with the sounds "thud, thud, click". Vash, mid-action of peeling an apple, turns to the sound, noticing who it was that entered, and says, "Oh, Wolfwood, you're back." He resumes back to his apple in the next panel as he speaks, "Where'd you go? You snuck out of bed quickly this morning..." Wolfwood's hand then enters the panel, hovering over Vash's cheek and Vash looks up as Wolfwood asks, "Can I?" Vash responds, "Not going to talk about it?" while using a hand to gently hold Wolfwood's hovering hand and presses a kiss to his inner palm.
Vash then gets up fully, setting down the knife down on the table and the apple onto a plate, He leans into Wolfwood as Wolfwood explains, "Had to meet someone. Nothing interesting to talk about." Vash kisses Wolfwood's left cheek and a hand moves to cup his other cheek while muttering, "You're being vague." Wolfwood says neutrally, "If yer really that curious, keep askin'. We can talk about that instead of doing this." Vash leans back and responds, "Let's talk after, since... You look so tired."
The panel pans to a close up of Wolfwood's downcast eyes, bags heavy underneath his eyes. He doesn't allow Vash to sit in that moment for long though, then saying, "Yer not helping, Spikey. Being all slow with it... I could fall asleep right now." He moves his hand to start unclasping Vash's coat, starting from his collar. Vash with red cheeks, responds briskly, "Oh, shut up. I'm worried about you. I can't be worried?"
The final shot shows Wolfwood's back to the viewer while Vash's softened expression can be seen as he holds gently onto the side of Wolfwood's face and a hand firm on his waist. Wolfwood responds, "I'm fine, seriously," pausing for a moment before continuing, "Is it okay to still..?" Vash responds, "Yeah, it's okay."
The next image is a shot from later that night after the previous comic. Vash and Wolfwood are now in bed, half naked. Wolfwood's buries his face into Vash's chest, his arms wrapped around him, while Vash is petting at his hair. Vash reminds him, "Hey. You said we'd talk about it." Wolfwood pauses for a moment before piping up, "In the morning? I'm sleepy." Vash says, "Okay..."
The next two pages start from the morning after. Wolfwood is already fully awake, pulling on his outer jacket as he says to Vash, whos' still bundled in his blankets, "Breakfast is on the table. Make sure to eat it. I'm going to grab some things in town and then we're leavin'. Got it?" Vash says, "Mh." Wolfwood responds, "Good. See ya in a bit." The dialogue starts to shift into Vash's inner thoughts now, as he gets up and eats toast, thinking, "Wait. Weren't we supposed to... talk about it?" The next shot then shows him fully up, meeting Wolfwood in town. He carries a half worried expression with him while Wolfwood slides on his glasses for him. A quick panel shows Wolfwood's tired expression from the night before and quickly juxtaposes with Wolfwood in front of him who's smiling gently, the shades covering his eye bags. Wolfwood asks him, "Still not awake yet?" Vash pauses, his thoughts stirring, thinking, "Oh. I guess I was getting ahead of myself... thinking you owe me that kind of honesty." He smiles at Wolfwood and responds, "I'm awake!" His thoughts continue, "Maybe one day, you'd trust me enough to share your burdens."
The final image shows Wolfwood pulling at Vash's cheek and Vash complains, "Owwwww why..." Wolfwood quickly says, "You were thinking something stupid, right? It's all over yer face." Vash mutters, "Nooo, I wasn't..." END ID]
#vashwood#trigun#trigun maximum#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#Theyre both thoroughly exhausted tired individuals -- vash having to fight this lonely battle for over a hundred years and getting dragged#back into inevitable situation with knives after a 2 years hiatus of being a gunslinger. they both need so much Rest and comfort in this#department... .SIGHS. BUT I JUST THINK ABOUT WOLFWOOD . AND HOW... LITTLE He has existed on no man's land. how majority of his years being#alive is being used as a weapon and to kill when him at his very core is the most giving and selfless individual ever#badlands rumble inspired me a bit but i do think wolfwood gets dragged into occasional tasks from the eye of michael while on his duty of#guiding vash -- or i think that one chapter where we got to see other members of eom -- there's like a clear division within the eom too#i think.... so i figured similarly to vash but not to the same amount -- there are people that look for wolfwood too. but most of the time#it's probably wolfwood that has to look for someone else and take them out. i feel like it happens ever so occasionally.#evidentially these two don't talk enough canonically but they always know how to express things properly to affirm that they're okay#they have the worst time ever sharing burdens - can't willingly burden the other and has neeever asked for help or reprieve in their#desperate situations... vw is a huge case of right person wrong time syndrome so they just. in the time they get to spend together -- even#if romantically - they don't have enough time to heal to get over that kind of hurdle. They've just never asked for help in all the years#they've been alive -- they don't even know how to and its just aughhhsgskg#and well! they don't even need to ask! because they'll be there for each other anyway at the end of the day -- company and presence alone.#ruporas art
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There’s something so personal about the way Mike and Will share their burdens and work together on issues. That’s why Will doesn’t include Mike in his rant about people babying him—Mike just doesn’t.
It’s always ‘we will [kill Vecna]’ and ‘we won’t let him [spy back]’. Mike is there with him, not in place of him. He trusts that Will can carry his weight, that he has the strength to do so, but he’s still ready to carry him if he has to.
Yes, Mike talks to him softly, he listens carefully when he talks, insists on being with him all of season 2, but he never babys Will. Even when Will was almost completely lost to the mindflayer, he insisted that they get Will’s judgement. He still trusted him, still knew he’d be strong enough to break through to them. Even when they’re fighting he values Will’s critism and thoughts, and is willing to put their fights aside to work together on UD stuff.
They’re equals, partners, a team.
#byler#byler endgame#anti mileven#theyre so ‘i cant carry it for you but i can carry you’ coded#he lets will have initiative and say in his care#he lets will carry his burdens but makes sure he knows hes not alone#he makes sure theyre not too heavy and that hes there if they do get to that point#thats the exact type of love will wants#the type of care that makes him feel loved and strong#and thats the exact type of love mike wants#he wants to feel needed and will needs him like its breathing#mike doesnt need to try to change himself to help will#they already work#he helps just by being himself#ugh they make me ill
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pacing around my room, muttering "it doesn't matter" with tears streaming down my face and shaking my hands as if water were on them. if only it didn't, cause clealy it does. what doesn't matter? what actually does? all of it? none of it? the few things? the handful of people? the collapse of my health? the ruin of the country? the deaths across the world? the past? the present? the future? none of it? all of it? fuck it
#bpd be bpding#mine#am writing#i can't even reach out to anyone because everyone is also not well right now#and i'm always not well#just a burden#fuck it#i feel so utterly alone it's fucking stupid#even my family is making me feel like my time isn't valuable#i've been waiting on my parents for an hour to do something and they won't get off their phones so i've just been writing#i hate phones - i can't make conversation with my parents or older sibling because they're always on their phones#chronic loneliness#talking in the tags
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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help a black woman in need
tldr; beat homelessness just in time to have my car repossessed.
hi ive been putting this off as long as i can because idk how to ask for help but i really need it rn. some of you might know, i was homeless since oct 2022. we found a place and have moved in at the start of this month (july). unfortunately this morning i was on my way out to work only to find that my car had been repossessed due to me falling behind on the payments (see: being homeless). i had to call off today but i need my car to get to work the rest of the week. im not asking for a specific amount because i need a lot and this will most likely be ongoing.but ANYTHING helps. please share even if you can't help out financially. words of encouragement/advice also appreciated. thank you 🙏🏾🫶🏾 pypl: @mkwats cshpp: $mkawatson vnmo: mk-watson
#i've literally been crying all day i have no idea how im going to make it through this#i do not like asking for help and only like 2 people knew about my previous situation but this is just so#all encompassing i feel completely defeated i really dont know what to do#sorry ill probably be annoying rb this#please do not be rude this is incredibly vulnerable i genuinely dont know how to even#put into words how defeated i feel#maybe its my own fault for waiting so long to ask for help#maybe if i asked sooner i would not be where i am right now but i genuinely hate feeling like a burden#im very much suffer in silence type but this is so much more than i can handle alone
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i seriously need more narumi and mina moments because just imagine the relief mina felt when narumi joined, similar age to her and was also considered a prodigy in the force.
to have someone to share the burden of the defence force’s future with must’ve felt so freeing. because before he joined it was just her, age 18, being told that she was going to change kaiju extermination with her exceptional synergy with firearms. and she was so, so scared.
narumi doesn’t have the kind of skills or talent for long range combat like she does, but he’s also a top candidate (despite his behavioural issues- which aren’t much of a hinderance anyway) and mina doesn’t have to carry the burden of the future alone anymore
(although she’d never admit, given she probably views narumi as someone completely shocking i just think it’s so funny how she stood there like O_O when she first saw him)
like i LOVE seeing the contrast. mina who was sent onto the battlefield for the first time and was deathly afraid vs narumi who was sent out and immediately took action because that’s how he always lived (fighting)
and now they’re the top two strongest captains in the force and they will be the ones to lead the new generation..
#egg boils#IM SOOO BONKERS SORRY THEYRE MY FAVES I WANT THME TO HAVE AN IMPACT ON ESCH ORHEF SO FUCKING BAD.#consider this: narumi teaches mina to be less serious. to stop holding onto the burden of others and her team mates and Fight because she#wants to. hold onto ur weapon clench ur teeth because you WANT to be here and protect lives and not because You feel like you have to ashir#and mina teaches him abt team work and yes you can work along but And maybe having to consider ur team members IS burdensome for u but isnt#it nice to have someone watch ur back? for someone to Help you narumi#please please show me how they’ve influenced each other I KNOW DAMN WELL THEY HAVE. I INOW IT. matsumoto please.#i will never be over mina and how genuinely AFRAID she was#ashiro mina my absolute beloved#narumi tells mina to stop being so freaked out all the damn time because you have your team mates don’t you?! always talking my ear off abo#about team work but you can’t even trust your own comrades?!#mina tells narumi that HE keeps acting recklessly because he doesn’t trust his team mates either!!! they’re perfectly capable too#ohhhhh i’m sick im sick i want mina to knock some sense into narumi and vice versa i want them to be the reason they trust their units to#SUCH a degree now. i want them to be the reason why they stand for their men so strongly (narumi immediately pouncing on no.9 when he showe#kikoru isao’s face. mina’s anger and appreciation when her unit stood their ground against no10.#mina#narumi#kaiju no.8#they’re my top two of course i’m making this shit up. i need it so bad bside please please please#i know she grit her teeth and got used to be alone when she subjugates from the roof top but CONSIDER narumi the delinquent but extremely#capable recruit being the one to show her how to live less in fear#i need a tag for them#don’t be stupid#okay that’s it that’s my tag#kn8 spoilers#sorry again. tagging for myself#narumina
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i don't know why, but in the sparse five hours of sleep i got last night, my brain decided to plague me with dreams of lilia taking care of an elderly silver, up until the final moments of his life. i could hear silver's thoughts the whole time, and he was so absolutely inundated with shame and guilt it almost seemed like he was suffocating. he kept thinking over and over and over again that this all should've been the other way around. he should've been the one looking after his father in the twilight of his life. he should've been his aging father's rock, his safe place to land, his stalwart defender against a world so unbelievably cruel to its most vulnerable denizens. again and again his heart cried out in vain, it should've been the other way around.
as a child he had once wished - prayed, even, to the same force now threatening to reclaim his spirit back into its unconscious designs - for his father to live a long and prosperous life, and it was as though that very wish had backfired on him in a way he never could have possibly imagined
#twst silver#lilia vanrouge#twst spoilers#twst#mumbles#txt#i hate it here#i litearlly woke up crying you gusy dont unerstand#he was so ashamed of himself but not once in my dream was lilia anything less than happy to take care of him#i feel like part of the reason lilia is trying to run away is because like so many of our elderly and our disabled#he didn't want his loved ones to worry about him and “waste” their time taking care of him#so he thought the best decision for everyone would be if he just went off to go die alone#i have no idea if twst would actually touch on something like that but i do think you could interepret his departure that way#anyways if any of you have caretakers or aides or just are disabled in anyway#i want you to know you are not and have never been and never will be a burden on anyone or anything#and that i love you so so much#im getting so emotional over a dream fkjgh but i want silver to understand that good parents dont have kids expecting that#their children will someday “pay them back” for everythinng they did for them growing up!! u don't owe ur parents jack shit!!#silver you just existing as you are is enough for your father!!!
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i’m a lot of things
but one thing i’ll never be is enough
#personal#daily life#vent#ranting#vent post#negativity#i’m not okay#i’m not enough#never good enough#low self esteem#i am not mentally well#mental health issues#writing#failure#i feel so low#feeling like a burden#feeling unworthy#everyone around me is living a happy life with their friends and partners#and i am all alone#must be nice to be wanted#i’m unwell#i’m unlovable#no one wants me#no one loves me#why is everyone happy but me#i don’t want to sound ungrateful#but sometimes i just wish i wasn’t so alone all the time#what is wrong with me#jealousy#envy
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The weight of the world is a heavy burden
Especially for a child
(Or, in slightly less dramatic terms – I imagine that the first of her past lives that Avatar Suiren [who is the Avatar after Aang instead of Korra in my AU, and also Ghazan and Ming-Hua’s daughter] gets to talk to is Yangchen, because she is too plagued by memories not her own [including Jetsun’s death, fun fact]. And Yangchen wouldn’t want another child to go through what she did on their own)
(Or maybe someone just needed an excuse to draw @katkastrofa’s latest obsession in a context that interests them as well, just in time to maybe cheer her up a little? You can’t prove anything)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#Avatar Suiren AU#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#yangchen#original character#sotrl suiren#if you’re wondering what the context is. Suiren is around 8 or 9 here. already having revealed herself as the Avatar to her parents#and it has been Hard. because as much as they try to maintain a sense of normalcy for her. it’s clear that things have changed#they never accounted for their daughter turning out to be the Avatar. they hoped Aang dying on the night she was born to be a coincidence#all of their plans now have to be rethought and put on hold because her safety is more important than anything else#she is never blamed for anything. she is still just as loved. yet there’s now a heaviness in their gazes whenever they look at her#the Avatar as a concept should not exist. it is too much power and responsibility for one being who is ultimately human#that’s what Suiren was taught. so what do those teachings mean if she’s the Avatar?#basically.. a whole lot of cognitive dissonance and she hasn’t even been alive for a decade yet#and all her life her head was filled by strange memories and dreams. fragments of lives not her own. sometimes nightmares#and usually her mama would comfort her through it but tonight… she just wants to be alone#so she wanders off. not too far. but enough that she wouldn’t be heard. and just softly cries#because it’s too much. because she doesn’t want to be the Avatar. why her? why not anyone else?#and as she whispers that she wishes she wasn’t the Avatar. her mind is assaulted by memories of previous Avatars saying the same thing#it really is a never ending cycle of too much burden being placed on a single person. but that realisation is anything but comforting#she begs for it to stop because that grief of life over life spent pushing a boulder uphill is just Too Much#and before she knows it. it ceases. only to be replaced by a blue glow visible even through closed eyelids#and a feather light touch of hands on her face. it doesn’t feel exactly like human hands by virtue of belonging to a spirit#that helps her relax a little. reminding her of mama’s touch. she looks at the person who appeared before her. her mind supplies the name#‘Avatar Yangchen?’. she whispers. but the woman is nowhere near as stoic and peaceful as she’s shown to be in every depiction of her#she looks.. sad. concerned. as burdened by grief as Suiren herself is. she’s not just a legendary figure from a time long gone#not yet another past life Suiren would never measure up to. she’s… human. capable of human emotion. just like Suiren is#I’m not sure how their conversation goes and have no inspiration to come up with anything. but I just wanted to draw them interacting
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everytime i replay 13 i'm like. man. i love snerah so much, they're so perfect for each other like seriously. and then i replay 13-2 and noerah grips me so much it makes me insane thinking about how much better noel and serah are together. and then i replay 13 and i can't believe i would betray snerah like that, it's clearly superior and snow and serah are so lovely together. and then i replay 13-2 and idk what the hell i was thinking, noel and serah clearly fit each other so much more, like they're meant to be. AND THEN I REPLAY 13 AND
#it never ends#listen if snow hadnt treated serah like That in 13-2 this might be a different story like hear me out#they love each other so much and have gone through too much to not be together after everything#but at the same time theyre not equals!!!! snow isnt accepting enough of serah's newfound independence#and its because hes so protective of her and he doesnt want to endanger her#because snow is snow and he would much rather put himself in danger than have others die on his watch like during the purge#which is an overlooked side of his character in 13-2 ngl i feel like no one takes that into account when they talk about him leaving serah#but anw MOVING ON#and then noel comes around and he encourages her to go after what she wants on her own#instead of taking on her burden for himself he helps her carry it#theyre a team and theyre equals and they save EACH OTHER over and over again hand in hand#theyre so beautiful man#but the way snow and serah are written in 13 is so incredibly beautiful too#when snow tried to help serah fulfill her focus he went WITH her and would follow her to the ends of the earth if thats what it took#and then in 13-2 that changed and he went off alone#again i think it makes sense given what he went through in 13 but its bittersweet#i could make a whole analysis on how snows and serahs relationship changed after 13 istg the shift didnt just happen for no reason#13-2 snow is vilified too much man#final fantasy xiii
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Time for more eternal gales isat au, this time featuring Sier as Isabeau, creating a sprite I can never use next to Aris’ because despite my best efforts it would make them look tall
#keese draws#eternal gales#oc#oc art#isat#in stars and time#this one didn’t take nearly as long as the aris one but I think I suffered for it more from the clothes alone#siffrin made me forget I suck at drawing clothes rip#this was also harder because of how much trickier it was to try and adapt siers design to feel fitting enough for my standards#they have a very stylized design compared to most of the others#I kind of took the lazy route out by keeping most of their original shapes in tact but it’s fine#sier in this au would serve the needed role of emotionally intelligent bestie who is also too scared to cross boundaries to do much#but despite this I do think they’d actually get the suspicion quest in this au#mostly because mase is a furry artist not a nerd and sier would be more likely to look at aris and go bro. are you in a fucking timeloop.#it also differs in that aris doesn’t yell at sier abt it instead looping before they can finish because she can’t handle hearing them be#right on the money about this thing that she thought she was handling perfectly#she doesn’t want to fail them she doesn’t want them to realize she’s failed them she doesn’t want to be a burden she doesn’t want them to#‘realize’ they’re better off without her#aris is Incredibly resistant to accepting help on most serious issues because shes convinced that it’s her responsibility to deal with it#by herself and that if she can’t then she’s a failure and worse than useless#I mean in canon eternal gales she literally loses her eye and arm because of that#in this au she just lost them how sif lost his eye but she still has. complexes abt all that.#but yeah sier also differs wildly from isa in many Many other ways as does the rest of the cast from their assigned characters#for sier they rly aren’t the jock of the group at all instead being more of the guy who keeps the mood lighthearted at all times lest they#die of stress because the others haven’t said anything in a whole 30 seconds#aka they’re the self assigned peacekeeper who doesn’t actually need to constantly keep the peace because no one’s fighting but they still#feel like they need to so they dance and dance and dance for their friends until they collapse from exhaustion#metaphorically ofc#this is why they’re both terrified to confront aris when she starts acting a bit fucked up but also why they still do sometimes anyways#they talk abt this a lil bit in their friend quest as they talk abt how they want to change but are scared to
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Being a homeowner is kind of crazy and is definitely altering my perspective about things and it kind of pushed our marriage into a different level as well. We’ve been living here for almost a month and it’s not easy to talk about because I still don’t really understand how things are changing
#things are somehow more intense and serious I didn’t expect it to feel SO different but it does. we’re fully out here man…#on our own figuring things out. this is how i imagined having a child would be like as in everyone is thrilled for you before they#absolutely disappear from sight and you’re like. left with this new burden completely alone except not as horrible because you don’t have a#newborn baby you’re responsible for#but it’s still jarring. I feel kind of adrift#personal
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I drew Ahti II and his never before seen, very best friend Karleeen (three e's is intentional) for Halloween! They're dressed as Aziraphale and Crowley from Good Omens :) Someone likened Ahti II to Azi once and given that he already had a dark-haired "best friend" who is part edgy animal... it was only natural to have this costume arrangement. Please don't spoil anything about the show though, I am only in the first few episodes of season 1!!
On another note, imagine having to buy pants with eight pant legs.
#i almost forgot to post!#self indulgent art post because ahti II and karleeen are my everything <3#oh my god oh my god they-- you dont get it they--#they-------#theyre besties and they met when ahti II was looking to be alone in the shoals of the coast and accidentally startled karleeen via jumping-#on a rock in all his fishy glory and theyre both a little bit socially awkward for different reasons and have a hard time being in large -#groups but together theyre so open and carefree and they like hiking and swimming and drawing and they go on little adventures together -#where they have picnics and ahti II loves to dump all his fish knowledge on karleeen and karleeen loves to listen when shes working on -#something and they have each others backs and would in fact fight someone if they insulted the other and karleeen makes ahti II laugh -#so much and he often feels very burdened by his responsibility and like he has to be perfect for the whole world and hes only really -#comfortable talking to karleeen about his woes and he also absolutely listens to karleeens troubles and helps her with her abandonment -#issues and and and----#theyre in a funny sort of relationship where neither would be opposed to getting married and theyre a little bit in love but theyre happy -#to exist as best friends and just want to see where things go#ummm yeah! yippee !! ahti II lore! i dont talk about that often. thank you for reading! i appreciate that.#ahti II#my art#halloween#sirpaverse#karleeen
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i swear if qforever doesnt get a nice and healing reunion with richas and tallulah i am exploding that server myself
#txt post#cw caps#a shit ton of caps in the tags#HOW HARD IS IT TO WISH THIS CUBITO SOME FUCKING HAPPINESS#EVERY TIME I REMEMBER ABT FOREVER CUBITO I FEEL AWFUL MY LITTLE GUY HASNT HAD A BREAK IN SO LONG#MOSTLY CUZ PEOPLE CONSTANTLY GIVE HIM SHIT AND ISOLATE HIM SINCE HE'S THE FUCKING PRESIDENT NOW AND DONT EVEN TREAT HIM AS MUCH OF A FRIEND#ANYMORE AND JUST HOLD HIM AT ARMS REACH. HE FEELS ALONE AND HOPELESS#LITERALLY THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT STILL TREAT HIM LIKE THEY TREATED HIM BEFORE THE WHOLE PRESIDENT THING BULLSHIT IS HIS DAMN FAMILY AND PHIL#AND MAYBE BAGHS TOO I CANT REMEMBER#man feels like no one trusts him anymore cuz hes “part of the feds” when he's not actually as involved as people make it seem#literally the only official mission he has ever done for the feds was the whole go to the nether get lost lmao L bozo#his position in the federation can literally just be reduced to the one who represents the islanders as a whole in the eyes of the feds#like god every time someone refers to him by his actually name instead of “the president” an angel regains its wings#cuz yeah he has to carry the burden of his position but that doesnt mean im not allowed to complain that everyone is pushing him away for i#like fuck. phil telling him that he trusts him and cares about him before forever went to the nether meant the fucking world to him#“phil nailed it down in the minute what was happening. im glad i can rely on him” <- not verbatim but like. cmon
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I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.
#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would#genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse)#i think I’m legitimately just…having a trauma reaction on top#of a jewish trauma spike#and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm#does not look great#i feel like i don’t actually verbally have the words#(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful)#(hashem i don’t know would you even embrace me would you…)#(it’s not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isn’t it)#(it’s hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression)#(except that I feel like I’m so so tainted and not in my body or if I’m in my body I’m in my body somewhere else#abuse cw#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered#this will disappear probably#UGH#(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to)#(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in)#(i know i need to be like ‘unfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need)#(just a bit of grace apologies)#(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that)#(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway)#a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel and…I’m nothing#(everyone else is something I’m not I don’t deserve grace lbr)#it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead#and it’s like I can fake it so well#(i don’t know I may be like sending words to people)#to run through the steps of not being alone#i’m truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people#to get reassurance i don’t deserve that its a good person it isn’t it isn’t a person
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