#that I’ll never be neurotypical and now I’ll never be fully healthy
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One of the worst parts about being chronically ill is that it impacts your ability to work and function like non chronically ill people do. Because of this, it also impacts your financial stability and makes you feel inferior and as though you’re a burden to loved ones.
#I know no one here cares bc it’s just the Internet and I’m just a stranger but fuck I’m so sad and feel like I’m grieving the fact#that I’ll never be neurotypical and now I’ll never be fully healthy#I feel so alone and like such a burden#all I want is to be able to afford my bills and groceries and maybe travel home to seen my family and I can’t do that :(#idk I just really am having thoughts of relapsing (I won’t) but what’s the point?? I’m always going to be ill#negative tw
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Mental Health 2: Noctis and Self Harm
Note: This headcanon contains mentions of various self harm methods, mainly cutting with a sharp object. If you need this post to be tagged specifically, please inform me in a polite manner and it will be done.
Mental Health headcanon #1 can be found [here].
As stated in the first post (a link can be found above), Noctis’s depression can come in waves and cycles. In some, he can fool just about anyone into believing that he’s fully neurotypical but in others, he simply can’t.
Noctis can be in a depressive cycle for weeks, even months, where he only wants to sleep or do certain low-energy activities. This can also mean that his apartment can be a total mess, either cleaned by Ignis or sparsely by himself. Not much gets done while he’s in this shift. The same for showering. He has to force himself to do it or it doesn’t happen.
In this post, I’ll be talking about the lower points in his depressive cycles. In Brotherhood, we got a small glimpse of Noctis’s apartment in Insomnia as shown in these screenshots: One, Two, Three, Four, and Five (photo credit goes to dawn!). By the time he comes home, does what he has to via studying, showering, training, and/or generally working - he’s exhausted. He wakes up tired, goes to bed tired, cycle continues to repeat. So, when he thinks of buying something on the way home, he doesn’t really think about it.
Things start to build up. He tells himself that he’ll pick it up later when he doesn’t feel like shit but then two weeks goes by and there’s a trash mountain laying nearby him. All of those plastic bags from the convenience stores are now being used as mini trash bags so he can ‘throw it away later.’ Again, later never comes.
One day he comes home to find that his entire living space has been completely cleaned up by Ignis. First comes the anger, not at Ignis but at himself. Then the shame, because how could he have let this happen? And after that, he’s hit with anxious thoughts all surrounding the same phrase - ‘spoiled prince.’ From there, he spirals.
Noctis doesn’t tell many people about his issue and, usually, he tries to use Dermacol concealer to hide any healed self harm scars. For the most part, it works. Dermacol is a waterproof and full coverage concealer that can be used to cover surgical scars, tattoos, and other types of blemishes on the skin. Since his favorite ‘spot’ to cut is his inner thighs, Noctis is glad to find this product is waterproof. That doesn’t make what he’s doing healthy or okay.
He buys scalpel blades for his weapon of choice. One use and throw away, claims the money was spent on junk food. Keeps a small first aid kit hidden in his bedroom for if he needs it. It’s methodical and something he can control so when those spiraling thoughts get the better of him, Noctis takes these moments for release and self control. He has little control over other aspects of his life but this is something he can.
And so, because of this, his inner thighs are littered with various scars of all lengths and depths. He’s gotten good at hiding it and, by the time of the road trip, he’s around four months clean of cutting. It’s the worst of his self harm tactics, the most overlooked being his lack of sleeping and, sometimes, eating. He’s never told anyone about it and doesn’t fully intend to but for some, he may let them in enough to see the darker part of his heart.
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Right. This is going to be a long post (I’ll bold what’s important, bold + italics what’s really important, and bold + headline the really, really important stuff), so if you find that annoying then I’m sorry in advance.
I’m also not going to state what fandom this happened in, although some of you might be able to tell. I don’t want further vagueblogging and harassment. Not towards me, and not towards the others involved. Hence why I don’t name names, to prevent anyone from harassing the people I mention, and why I try to be respectful when talking about them.
If you’re going to reblog this with commentary or whatever, please don’t. If you’re mad at me, just block me, it’ll be easier on the both of us. If you’re going to spread this post around, please refrain from reblogging it - link it to anyone if the subject comes up. I probably sound paranoid here, and that would be because I am. I have major issues with paranoia and that’s basically why I’m making this post.
But anyway, seeing as I wouldn’t be surprised if some people are gonna try to ruin my and my blog’s reputation now, I’d like to attempt some damage control and make some things very clear:
First, I am a teenager and a former grooming victim, and as such I would appreciate not being accused of “trying to defend gross relationships.” Thank you.
I don’t expect people to know this beforehand, and that’s why I’m saying it now. Express whatever concerns you want, just please, please don’t try to imply I’m a pedo apologist. I’m not saying anyone has done this (they’ve done the “trying to defend gross relationships” thing though), necessarily, or that they’ve done it intentionally, just that some might try to, and I’d greatly prefer if they didn’t.
What happened was this:
Someone said (or actually a lot of people have been saying it, but I’ve kept my mouth shut in the past) that a character from a certain show shouldn’t be with another character due to their age difference.
Now, both characters are adults, fully capable of consenting. Read that. Read it again. It’s important.
The younger character is about 24-25, or possibly even a bit older. (The actress who plays her is 29, for what it’s worth, but I’ll be fair here and assume the character is younger than the actress, as she’s supposed to be a paramedic who’s just started her job/finished her training within the past year and as such would likely be younger unless she started her training late for whatever reason.)
The older character is about 34-35. (The wiki for the show says he was born in 1983-1984, and I don’t have an hour to check the episode they put as a source so I’ll assume they’re right. So he’d have turned either 34 or 35 last year.)
I can certainly see how this age difference might weird some fans out or make them uncomfortable. Fuck, it weirds me out, and also I don’t imagine such a relationship would last very long IRL, as while they are both adults, they are very much in different stages of life. I do not ship these characters. I find the older one extremely annoying anyway.
The younger character is heavily coded as autistic within the show, and has been essentially confirmed as such by the actress in interviews. She is also often referred to by the fandom as “precious,” “cute,” and similar labels that they rarely seem to use for allistic characters.
(“Essentially confirmed” meaning, here, that the actress was asked about this character being autistic and said “yeah, I thought of that too, it’s something I take into account when playing her”).
I, an autistic person, expressed my concerns about this autistic character being seen as a child by the fandom for this show, and how that could potentially influence people’s opinions on the relationship, and make them see the age gap as larger than it is.
What I got was this:
Someone, calling themself an “actual autistic person” (because I’m apparently not an actual autistic person because I disagree with them... No True Scotsman fallacy, anyone?) telling me (except they didn’t tell me, they vagueblogged me, and yes I’m aware that I’m vagueblogging them back) that, and I quote, “no one is treating [character] as a “small uwu child” because she’s autistic (no one’s treating her like that anyway but u kno lets just ignore that hey?)”
Even. Though. People. Are. Literally. Treating. Her. Like. That. Look at all the posts calling her “precious” and “adorable”, using all sorts of cutesy heart emojis, and generally just referring to her in a patronizing manner. Admittedly people do that for their faves regardless of neurotype, and I don’t really get it but whatever. But the thing is - yes, she is a sweet person or whatever, but none of the other characters on the show really get talked about in the same way. Definitely not as often.
One marginalised person thinking something isn’t an issue DOES NOT mean it isn’t an issue. I mean, this is how you get “transrationals” endorsing extreme transphobia despite being trans themselves. This is how you get gay Tories. Not that I’m saying the situations are comparable, just using some more extreme examples to prove my point.
Back to this specific person. They then go on to say “the age difference is fucking weird [...insert a bunch of attempts to calculate the characters’ ages here...] y’all cant deny that its weird and its kinda gross that you are??“
I never denied that the age difference was weird (or I did, sort of, but in the context I meant - and I think it was fairly obvious - I was saying “people are trying to make out like it’s pedophilia or something, please stop doing that”).
I also said very explicitly that I didn’t like the pairing, but this person seems to have ignored that in their reply.
Implying that I’m “gross” for having concerns about an autistic character being seen as a child is an obvious attempt to demonise me.
TL;DR: I defended an admittedly probably not very healthy ship, but one between two consenting, fully-grown adults.
I was trying to use the fandom’s reaction to this potential relationship as an example of how they tend to talk about one of the characters, who is autistic, in a way that I feel is somewhat ableist, and explain why I was concerned about that.
I was admittedly probably harsher than I should have been, and I regret that. I regret the whole post, and I regret trying to defend the ship, as the age difference is indeed unhealthy. But I have been demonised and painted as “gross” for that post, and I feel that’s unfair.
#it took me over an hour to write this so please read it if you can#it explains what exactly has been going on#blog announcements#so glad I have that tag it keeps coming in handy
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I’ve been talking about dropping out of uni for a second time an awful lot lately
Firm believer in letting go of that which does not serve you
If it does not fit it is not for you
I am HOWEVER gonna attempt to finish this year mlkdsn’lgnngrnw
I hope I can make it til the end but I won’t force it if I cannot find the means to adjust.
I’ve wanted to attend uni and earn a degree before I ever fully understood what it was. And being the first in my family to even attend made it even more of a pressing matter but...
There are other ways to achieve what I want to do with my life - without the title, without the study. And I am already in the beginnings of an alternative career which I very much enjoy, gives me a shit ton of flexibility, offers me a decent wage, and has a shit ton of potential for upward progression
I’m sure I have provided thorough enough support over what is coming up to a year now for people to provide decent testimonials and draw in new clientele. And definitely I’ve been putting in the work to be fair in charging for my services.
Ima establish my company very soon regardless. Ima build this service.
coz what I been saying all along??
I’m already DOING the thing! I’m already providing therapy!! To a high standard too. It’s not about a set standard approach. And I have no desire to diagnose/medicate - I never did - I was never gonna seek that ability.
All I do is help others recognise what they need and aid them in carving out their direction and path to self-actualisation, radical acceptance, and healthy outlook.
and I do it FUGGEN WELL.
so yeah.
WhereLikeMindsMeet Ltd. is coming. And I’ll be providing support sessions at an affordable price with complete flexibility and without the pretentious “I got a degree in psych so I obviously know what you’re dealing with despite not actually understanding the lived experience” that most neurotypical psychs are charging an arm and a leg for.
and uhh.
Support your independent wellness worker (coz I hate the term counsellor and cannot justifiably call myself a therapist hehe) and book a free introductory session to begin your journey to personal betterment [and then post a testimonial so other people know where to come to!!! - when I actually provide a feedback function hehehehe]
WLMM - Booking
Also, thank you and I love you
#I really just wanna keep helping people#and do what im already doing#without wasting 5 to 7 years of my life#in a restrictive institution#that goes all round the houses#just to get me a license#to do what I already do#and excel in#also my introductory sessions will always remain free coz why not#for now all sessions are still free#til my company is registered and I figure out an affordable but fair payment rate#so like...#take advantage#and uhhh#recommend me to people and whatnot#send the booking links and such#if you ain't happy with my service after the introductory session - no harm no foul right#I swear I care man#I care and I get it#I just wanna stop wasting time on systems which aren't aiding me#my life is dedicated to this#always has been#so... here I am#anyway#hit me up#love y'all#thanks for sticking with me#mine#therapy#counselling
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That was so fucking awful...
And I get to do it every week for the rest of forever. Great.
My Nana is diabetic and has heart disease. There might be some other conditions she’s got that I have not been made privy to - but those two, I know for sure. She is on a full page of medication. This is not an exaggeration. She has a complete lined paper filled, top to bottom, with her daily medication regimen.
It would be a lot even for a fully able-bodied, neurotypical, mentally healthy person to manage. My Nana is not able-bodied, nor is her mental health or memory as great as it used to be. She used to be able to manage, though. Before her memory started getting a big sloppy.
Now Pop-Pop is trying to shoulder all responsibility, while also blaming Nana for the medications she’s on, and being impossibly stubborn about any suggestions on how to better help or manage the situation.
My one aunt is the only one who actually understands the full scope of what each medication does, what dosage Nana is supposed to take, and how often. There are a few (like Nana’s insulin) that are supposed to have fluctuating dosages based on Nana’s current blood sugar... except, Nana doesn’t always test her blood sugar. She just goes ahead and takes some mid-point standard insulin dosage, I guess. And she’s not supposed to do that. But she’s also lucky to remember to take it - and take it only once - with each meal.
Basically they’re both struggling to be independent despite really, really needing better communication and teamwork. Nana feels, very understandably, trapped and stripped of a lot of her own value. Even when she was in better shape, she was somewhat house-bound. She never had a license, definitely can’t ride a bike any more, and couldn’t go very far on foot. Now, she’s not mobile. She’s on oxygen, with a literal plastic leash tethering her to the house. She can’t even manage most household chores any more, because the heat or moisture will mess with her breathing - and that’s assuming she could move or stand long enough to do it in the first place.
So Pop-Pop is shouldering it all - which is honestly mostly reasonable. Nana took care of it all for over fifty fucking years by herself, PLUS raising four kids and running daycare from home while he was still working. They’re retired now, so it’s not like there’s some nine-to-five or house full of kids otherwise demanding his time on top of normal household routine chores. BUT he’s being such a whiny little shit about it - complaining about ~having~ to make the bed, ~having~ to do the laundry, ~having~ to vacuum, ~having~ to... cook! COOK!
Like... if you were single, you’re telling me you wouldn’t be doing any of that shit? You’d leave your bed a mess? You’d never wash your own damn clothes? You’d leave your floors full of tracked-in dirt, mud, hair, and whatever else?? You’d... never fucking feed yourself?? PLEASE!
The toxicity of 50′s straight marriage is definitely a big factor in the unhappiness - and mutual emotional abuse, honestly - in their marriage. I can chalk up around 99.9999999% of Pop-Pop’s indignation to the manufactured narrative that “the wife does this shit, the husband sits on his ass at home!” You can’t tell them that, of course. Even Nana will agree when Pop-Pop says, “Yeah, well, things were different back then!!” Yes, Pop-Pop, I know... segregation was still a thing. I’m well aware of how “different” things were.
All of that is a mess in its own right, right? Yeah. But is that all I get to deal with? LMAO OF COURSE NOT.
So, when I locked in that I’d be going over every Friday, we decided on what was going to be for dinner and a few tasks we’d be tackling. Or, that I’d be tacking to the best of my ability while trying to keep them both from doing it themselves. Lil sis originally was going to tag along, and mom joked about showing up for dinner (Pop-Pop said he was going to set a big pot roast up with a bunch of veggies). So there was some vague “maybe two more people will join us for dinner” anxiety that Pop-Pop was struggling with. And me, too, honestly.
So today, before I even managed to get out of bed, lil sis sent me a message (as I more or less expected) around 1 PM, saying she had homework to do instead of being able to tag along. Sure, okay. I didn’t fully believe that was the reason, but I wasn’t gonna stress myself over it. (She later hit mom up for money to go to the movies with her friends, so... yeah)
I asked my bro if he wanted to come along, because he’d felt bad about missing Pop-Pop’s birthday visit for a friend thing that ended up falling through. But he was resting from a headache and decline. Alright. Fine. Not a big deal.
I ended up getting there a bit late because 1: I slept like trash and didn’t get up in time to fully prepare myself, and 2: I blew six bucks at McD’s to get coffee and a quick lunch because... (see point 1 again).
As soon as I walked in, Nana was busy making an apple pie. Which she wasn’t supposed to make. Despite professing it was a treat for Pop-Pop, it doesn’t fool anyone that she’s just as invested in having pie for herself. And it’s not like it was a from-scratch pie that she could control the syrups or sugars in - she used canned pie filling.
She’s diabetic. She literally shouldn’t be having that crap because it can kill her.
But, circling back to her struggle to feel purpose, and her desire to make her husband happy (and also feel happy, herself) she likes baking. She likes baked treats. “I’m gonna die anyway, at least let me have good food!” she’s said on more than one occasion.
And I get it. The compromise ends up being small servings accompanied by some extra insulin.
But that doesn’t work any more, either, because her memory is slipping. She used to self-manage the insulin amounts. Now, she sometimes forgets, or takes the wrong dose. And because she’s used to being - and still trying to be - somewhat self-sufficient, she doesn’t communicate if/when she’s having trouble remembering things, or when she does remember and takes a dose.
THEN, because she’s on SO FUCKING MANY MEDICATIONS, the times she DOES communicate that she’s taken her medications... often causes Pop-Pop to fly off the handle, because he automatically jumps to the conclusion that she’s taken the wrong things at the wrong times and/or has screwed up her dosages.
They don’t quite shout at each other regularly - but sometimes they do. And what they’ve gotten in the habit of lately, is calling each other “stupid” or “idiot.” Or calling themselves (mostly Nana, in this case) those things. Because she knows her memory is slipping, and she hates it and can’t do anything about it, and feels awful and like even more of a burden because of it.
Right before I was fixing to set the table for dinner, they were spatting over the pie. Nana said something about “I tried to surprise you with a nice pie, and you don’t even appreciate that,” and Pop-Pop mis-heard “pie” as “party” and immediately jumped to the conclusion that “19 to 20 people” were going to be showing up. He huffed and puffed, and I thought he went to the bathroom - but it turned out he just fucking left. Left the house completely. Drove away.
I had been setting the table, so Nana and I waited after I got everything out. Nana gave a shout to ask if he was okay, and got no answer, so I investigated. The bathroom was open, but the bedroom door seemed to be mostly closed. I let Nana know and suggested he might be getting changed? So we waited a bit more. And waited. Nana wondered if he’d gone to bed instead. I went to knock on the door and find out. No answer from the knock. The lights were out, so it was possible that he was in bed. But nope. The room was empty. Walking back to the dining table, I looked out front and finally realized Pop-Pop’s car was missing.
So just Nana and I had dinner together. It was delicious, but hard to really enjoy, given the circumstances. Pop-Pop called in the middle of it, to check if Nana had taken her mealtime meds, to remind her that “You realize you chased me away, right?” and “Tell Kristin I’m not mad at her.” He said he’d be home around ten or something.
I wanted to cry.
Actually, that’s putting it lightly. I’d already been there for three hours and I was screaming on the inside. Desperate to leave, but unable to abandon them after I promised to help, and especially unwilling to leave Nana alone, when she’s stuck there by herself so much already.
He came back around 8, when Nana and I were just about done with the evening’s dishes. He repeated that he wasn’t angry with me, then said some more nasty shit to Nana. At that point she took herself to bed - the only escape she really has, to be honest - and I stayed a small while longer with Pop-Pop so he could have some vent/social time, too.
Mostly it was all the shit I already knew - just phrased differently. Nana’s medications were overwhelming to manage - but he phrased it like it was her fault for needing it all, her fault for getting old with him. Everything was ~his~ responsibility - except it’s not, it just seems that way because he’s too stubborn to accept any significant help, and too scared that he’ll be left in the dark about important things if/when he IS the only one around to help.
I get it.
I have no idea what will actually help them, because I sure the fuck don’t have the ability to implement the only real solutions I can come up with myself. And so much of the stress and drama and strife is basic fucking communication that they’re both screwing up on.
I don’t know how I’m not bawling my ass off from the anxiety this whole deal caused me, personally. Probably full of too much anger to let it out. Too guilty to let it be about me for even a second.
I’ll break down later, probably.
And do it all again next week.
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bipolar ask posted by loloren69
General:
1. Type 1 or type 2?
I don’t really know. I could speculate as a psych master’s student, but I don’t feel comfortable making that call. I only know my therapist told me I was bipolar, said I was manic, and described mania to me and specified my behaviors that fell in line with that, no doubt about it, which would indicate bipolar I
2. Self-dx or professional dx?
Self-suspected, professional confirmed
3. Are you currently hypo/manic, depressed, mixed, stable, or not sure?
Hypomanic at the least, but it feels like I’m coming down because I’m exhausted for the first time in a while and 6 or 7 days of barely sleeping
4. Do you have any other mental illnesses/disorders?
I’ve had a diagnosable form of nearly every anxiety disorder in the DSM at different times since childhood and was diagnosed with various disorders from ADD to dysthymia and adjustment disorder. I consider my only other still-valid diagnosis to be PTSD, but it’s in remission.
5. When did you first start having symptoms?
In retrospect I’d say the mood problems started around 15, but it got way worse in 2014 and worse still in 2015. the depressive symptoms were out of control and may have been a mixed episode (age 22)
6. When did you realize/learn that you have bipolar?
I suspected it briefly as a teenager even though I didn’t know shit about it, but didn’t think about it again until the past year and then the past few months my therapist identified symptoms I described as hypomania and in the last week as mania
7. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis?
I don’t know if my former diagnoses were necessarily “misdiagnoses” - I think symptoms change over time, new things come up, other things trail off. I think one professional can see symptoms and call it one thing and another professional can call it something else. It’s complicated and subjective.
8. How self-aware are you on a scale of 1-10?
LMAO I am the most over-analyzing, self-aware person - easy 9 or 10
9. How many people know about your bipolar disorder?
Couple people. I’m skeptical about talking about disorders, especially new diagnoses because I’m insecure about what people think because I’ve received several from different professionals, and outside people tend to just see a shifting diagnosis and think I’m making shit up “new year, new diagnosis” always gotta have “something wrong with me” to talk about. Which isn’t how I feel and labels don’t really mean shit, it’s the symptoms and their treatment I care about. A label is just a fast way to describe something complex. sorry it took a while to figure out what was wrong and i went thru many labels before landing here
10. Are any of your family members bipolar?
Two formal diagnoses/very related diagnoses that I know of (grandma - MDD w/psychotic features, highly likely undiagnosed bipolar based on past behaviors (delusions, hallucinations, yelling on top of a roof, etc. police called, institutionalization), uncle - bipolar I w/psychotic features). some others I suspect, imo
11. Name three fictional characters you relate to and/or headcanon as bipolar.
Uhhh Ian Gallagher. I’m not creative with this right now and I haven’t thought about this at all.
Hypo/mania:
12. When hypo/manic, do you get euphoric, dysphoric, angry, creative, social, or several of the above?
It depends. It seems like I get euphoric, creative and social sometimes, and euphoric, agitated (not angry), and dysphoric other times. But those cluster together
13. What has been your longest hypo/manic episode?
I think it was from November 2016 to January 2017, so like 3 months, but it was the first “episode” I noted and kept even some track of after the fact. I may have had others in the past.
14. Have you ever had a psychotic episode? What symptoms did it include?
I’ve had two depressive episodes that I can specifically certainly note that included delusions (lasted just over a month to two months) of the somatic variety.
15. What kind of impulsive decisions have you made?
Where do I start? Over-spending, over-eating, drinking to excess, impulsive risky sex/sexual situations/hypersexuality, getting tattoos/piercings (kinda goes with spending, but I mention it specifically because it’s permanent), long-distance travel without telling anyone where I was going, cheating, lying, not thinking ahead and it hurting people, falling in love, ending relationships, general recklessness and selfishness. I’m sure there’s more and I’m not proud of it in the slightest, so please don’t think I am.
16. What’s the most money you’ve spent in a single day while hypo/manic?
$200-300
17. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep?
Period...um. I couldn’t say. Probably 2 with NO sleep and with minimal sleep (3-4 hours) over a week
18. Are you a creative type? Have you ever made a poem/song/other artwork about being bipolar?
I’m creative, but I don’t write about being bipolar because I never fully considered myself to be so until recently. I’ve written about mood instability and trauma a TON tho. And much of my art work is and always has been about duality, mixed emotions, extremes, and highs/lows.
Depression:
19. When depressed, do you get suicidal, bored, anxious, guilty, or several of the above?
It depends, but I’m mostly unmotivated as fuck and empty. I start feeling worthless and unlovable and I hate myself. Sometimes I feel suicidal, but have never attempted and won’t. I’ve self-harmed and planned how to kill myself, but was never intending to do it. I’ve spent the majority of my life in a state of constant anxiety so there’s that, especially when depressed. Irrational guilt and sluggishness are common for me with depression. Once in a while my mood dives along with my energy, but my mind is over-worked and highly anxious, which is when the delusions I’ve had occurred.
20. What has been your longest depressive episode?
Fuck...months upon months. I couldn’t tell you. Maybe even a year or more, which is why I was misdiagnosed as dysthymic as a teenager
21. How do you cope with depression?
In the past, I didn’t. I suffered massively. Now, I’m still not so great with it. I talk in therapy and I write, but even still I tend to stay in bed and feel numb/mope/distract myself with anything I can. I tend to be able to function enough to go to school because I feel like my life and future depends on it, am anxious as fuck, and do my best but end up with late work, being withdrawn and feeling doomed to fail, believe I’m doing far worse than I am and that I’m awful and don’t deserve to be there
22. Are you a sleep-all-day depressive or an insomniac depressive? Do you overeat or lose your appetite?
It depends, but in the most recent past, sleep-all-day and overeat. But I’ve been sleep-all-day and no appreciative and I’ve also been insomniac and overeat (2013-14)
23. When is the last time you cried or had a breakdown?
Tuesday August 1, 2017 (9 days ago)
24. Have you ever self-harmed?
YUP. Razor blades/cutting, punishing binge-eating, starvation, and abusive risky BDSM/relationships/sex
25. Have you had problems with substance abuse?
Not really, but I’ve drank a little lately
26. Have you ever attended AA/NA/etc?
No
27. Have you ever attempted suicide?
No
28. Have you ever written a suicide note?
Yes, but it was just to get it out. I threw it out after I wrote it.
Other symptoms and treatment:
29. Do you ever dissociate?
Y U P
30. Do you ever have hallucinations? If so, what are they?
No hallucinations. I’ve thought I’ve heard shit before, but I’m pretty sure it was a fluke and I want to believe in ghosts so. Call me crazy if you want, but what the fuck ever. I’ve had delusions only
31. Do you see a therapist? Do you feel like it’s helping?
Yes and yes
32. Are you on any medications? Do you feel like they’re helping?
No, not anymore, and I fucking hate anti-depressants, refuse mood-stabilizers and anti-psychotics and maybe want to keep having some anxiety meds
33. Have you ever been hospitalized?
No, and I want to keep it that way
34. Have you ever attended group therapy?
No, but I’ve conducted roleplay group therapy baahaha
35. Have any of your symptoms gotten worse over the years?
Yeah, I think the manic shit has gotten worse over the last 2 years
36. Have any of your symptoms gotten better over the years?
I think the depressive stuff has gotten a little better, or maybe just less frequent
37. Do you have a favorite coping method?
What does that mean...healthy or unhealthy...I guess I like meditation and I fucking miss working out A LOT. I like drinking as an unhealthy thing, but I’m sure I’ll hate it as much as I hate binge-eating once it catches up to me if I let it get that far. I’m tired of gaining weight after the 80 pounds I lost, and it’s really fucking with my self-esteem, makes me feel frustrated and sick
38. If you could choose to be neurotypical, would you?
No
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Mental Health 2: Noctis and Self Harm
Note: This headcanon contains mentions of various self harm methods, mainly cutting with a sharp object. If you need this post to be tagged specifically, please inform me in a polite manner and it will be done.
Mental Health headcanon #1 can be found [here].
As stated in the first post (a link can be found above), Noctis’s depression can come in waves and cycles. In some, he can fool just about anyone into believing that he’s fully neurotypical but in others, he simply can’t.
Noctis can be in a depressive cycle for weeks, even months, where he only wants to sleep or do certain low-energy activities. This can also mean that his apartment can be a total mess, either cleaned by Ignis or sparsely by himself. Not much gets done while he’s in this shift. The same for showering. He has to force himself to do it or it doesn’t happen.
In this post, I’ll be talking about the lower points in his depressive cycles. In Brotherhood, we got a small glimpse of Noctis’s apartment in Insomnia as shown in these screenshots: One, Two, Three, Four, and Five (photo credit goes to dawn!). By the time he comes home, does what he has to via studying, showering, training, and/or generally working - he’s exhausted. He wakes up tired, goes to bed tired, cycle continues to repeat. So, when he thinks of buying something on the way home, he doesn’t really think about it.
Things start to build up. He tells himself that he’ll pick it up later when he doesn’t feel like shit but then two weeks goes by and there’s a trash mountain laying nearby him. All of those plastic bags from the convenience stores are now being used as mini trash bags so he can ‘throw it away later.’ Again, later never comes.
One day he comes home to find that his entire living space has been completely cleaned up by Ignis. First comes the anger, not at Ignis but at himself. Then the shame, because how could he have let this happen? And after that, he’s hit with anxious thoughts all surrounding the same phrase - ‘spoiled prince.’ From there, he spirals.
Noctis doesn’t tell many people about his issue and, usually, he tries to use Dermacol concealer to hide any healed self harm scars. For the most part, it works. Dermacol is a waterproof and full coverage concealer that can be used to cover surgical scars, tattoos, and other types of blemishes on the skin. Since his favorite ‘spot’ to cut is his inner thighs, Noctis is glad to find this product is waterproof. That doesn’t make what he’s doing healthy or okay.
He buys scalpel blades for his weapon of choice. One use and throw away, claims the money was spent on junk food. Keeps a small first aid kit hidden in his bedroom for if he needs it. It’s methodical and something he can control so when those spiraling thoughts get the better of him, Noctis takes these moments for release and self control. He has little control over other aspects of his life but this is something he can.
And so, because of this, his inner thighs are littered with various scars of all lengths and depths. He’s gotten good at hiding it and, by the time of the road trip, he’s around four months clean of cutting. It’s the worst of his self harm tactics, the most overlooked being his lack of sleeping and, sometimes, eating. He’s never told anyone about it and doesn’t fully intend to but for some, he may let them in enough to see the darker part of his heart.
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Neurotypicals & Innate Variables
And How it Affects Game Dev
I won't refer to these as 'qualities' as there are no qualitative factors to them, quite to the contrary. I mean, if I were to tell you that the games industry was quite the Penis Empire, you'd be more than likely to have some kind of kneejerk reaction, eh? You'd spit out some blimmin' utter nonsense acronym or phrase that was programmed into you, like 'SJW' or 'virtue signalling,' as you're unwittingly an easily hacked robot.
Still, a lot of the video games industry is a sausage fest that doesn't really involve women -- this is true on all echelons of it from indie right up to the very top tiers of triple-A, it's why the industry still has a sexism problem no matter how hard it tries. And the reason for this is the assumption -- which neurotypicals can't get away from -- that you're automatically going to understand everything.
Neurotypicals have a perverse belief in their own omniscience, so they don't need to ask anything, they just know. How do they know? A lack of introspection seems to be the only answer I can come up with.
I don't know if this is just down to a very extraverted world, but in my life I've only met a handful of people who're capable of actual, honest-to-goodness introspection. Instead of running with an assumption based solely upon flawed data, they'll ask 'is this actually the case?' in order to arrive at a more probablistic truth backed by proof and evidence. Neurotypicals can't do that.
I'd even say that there are some autistic people who can't, too, but I do wonder about misdiagnosis, there. I weigh the strength of someone's autism on their capacity for introspection, to question rather than assume. My partner and I are both exceedingly autistic and we value when questions are asked, even if they shake the very foundations of something that we've always believed. In truth, especially then. It's thrilling! Neurotypicals hate that.
I sometimes wonder why bad science has become so commonplace, I think it's the shift from it being mostly autistic individuals doing the science though often being taken advantage of by neurotypicals (Edison abusing Tesla's trust, et al) who're all too capable of being sociopathic sharks without a shred of empathy, to neurotypicals playing scientist themselves. Badly.
This is why we have dark gravity, now. I'll always shake my head at that. I mean, we have things we should be investigating, right? There's pilot wave gravity, emergent gravity, and the very real possibility that a number of our assumptions about gravity and the mass of other galaxies is simply wrong. I'll tell you, it makes my head spin that the recent discovery of just how wrong we were about the mass of Andromeda didn't even shake the belief in dark gravity.
Dark gravity is like a neurotypical religion that's parading as science.
This is pervasive, too. This lack of introspection that neurotypicals always have; It can be found in every field. For example -- it's as easily measured in PhD's as well as students that people in the psych field never ask autistic people for opinions. They believe they have an absolute knowledge of autism despite their neurotypical brains being completely incapable of grasping it -- which leads to them having incredibly, horrifyingly wrong ideas about autism.
I'll sometimes watch people on sites like Quora and StackExchange try to figure out something about autism -- and I'm just sitting here, being me, and wondering why they don't just ask an autistic person? That, however, takes a level of awareness that neurotypicals have never possessed. A shame, but a truth.
An example of this?
Theory of Mind. Neurotypicals, for the longest time, believed that autistic people couldn't read emotions and had impaired empathy. All this came from the astounding realisation that they'd never even bothered to interview autistic people to find out if that was true, at all. It took decades, and the Internet, for them to finally realise in their slow, reptilian, cold blooded brains that perhaps they could ask?
I think we all have morbid fascinations. I remember neurotypicals watching 9/11, unable to look away as people were begging for anyone to save them, waving to be noticed as the building was burning and crashing. I couldn't watch it, I was told about all of this by those who'd watched, who couldn't stop watching. I would watch them watching, seemingly devoid of empathy for the people on screen.
As an autistic person, I can't stand to see people suffer. Neurotypicals seem thrilled by it, though? Being autistic, I naturally decided the best course of action was to interview them to find out why they're so attracted to watching people suffer. The answer I got was that it was exciting for them, they couldn't stop watching because witnessing mortality so brazenly put on display was thrilling.
They felt powerful and privileged that they were chosen to live.
Ultimately, though, the most I could get out of it was that even though they knew it was wrong, and sick, it was thrilling to watch people suffer.
Now, my autistic brain will never understand that. Too much empathy.
I accept that I'll never fully grasp that, though. All I can do is try to get neurotypicals to try to explain it to me as best they can. This is quite the commonplace thing, though. I'll try to understand neurotypicals, whereas neurotypicals will assume they already know everything and therefore there's nothing for them to understand. What I could grasp about the why of this is that neurotypical culture has a sociopathic quotient to it, it's killer shark-y, so they need to be manipulative, pretending to know more than they do???
How awful! And how terrible for science.
Similarly, I see birds, dogs, and other animals trying their best to communicate with neurotypicals. Often, neurotypicals won't give them the time of day, there's this bizarre narcissistic weight in their mind that harks back to the fetish for their own species they have -- where it is the burden of the lesser species to put in all the work. If birds can't learn English, then they're too stupid to bother with. Why aren't we trying to understand their methods of communication??? They're clearly trying to understand ours.
If this doesn't seem relatable to you? You're probably autistic. I mean, I see people who're obsessed with bugs or birds as their special interest (which is very autistic in the first place), and they absolutely are trying to learn how to communicate. So for them this might seem alienating. Sorry to be the one to tell you, but you're very likely autistic. You might want to investigate that for yourself.
This all brings me back to the point of autistic empathy.
Turns out that we don't lack empathy. Turns out that we don't lack Theory of Mind, either. Turns out, in fact, that according to brain scans and other evidence we actually have more innate empathy than any neurotypical alive. Turns out that what's actually happening is that we have difficulty expressing empathetic responses. Turns out, of course, that we could've told neurotypicals this at any time had they asked.
They don't ask, though, they never do. They don't ask, they don't enquire, they don't investigate, they don't like it whena another asks a question of them. They don't like that at all. And worst of all? They don't ever ask questions of themselves, they don't internally interrogate themselves to learn.
It was startling to learn that.
So I did a study of my own. Unofficial, of course. I asked as many neurotypical people as I could whether, when presented with a topic tehy know nothing about, do they rely on possibly fallible memories and opt for assumptions or do they spend time questioning themself in order to ascertain how much they actually know? In each case, when I could get them to be honest about it, they admitted that they didn't ask themself -- they just opted for assumptions.
Assumptions are an innately neurotypical problem. Which leads to kneejerk reactions when presented with contrary information, it also leads to very incorrect ideas about how to approach problems.
This brings me to game development. If your game dev team is made up of mostly men, and you don't have any women in an advisory role? What's going to happen is that the men will assume that they know all about feminism and women, so they'll do what's right for women and include that in their game. They know best, right?
This is why you'll see white, healthy, able-bodied men speaking for women, other ethnicites, and the disabled because naturally they know best. I don't know whether it's just this subconscious, animal fear they have in their cold-blooded reptile brains, but they're terrified of the very idea that they might not know something.
To have advisors on board would admit that. Can't do that.
This leads me to wonder just how autistic Ubisoft is. I mean, I can't say I like many of their games, you know? I don't. Sorry, Ubisoft! You don't make bad games, at all. No, no no no. You just don't make games I necessarily want to play; They're too grounded in reality for me, not nearly fantastic enough, and in the case of Assassin's Creed they revolve around lots of murder.
I want to see Ubisoft develop an open world thiefy simulator. Similar to what was attempted with the recent Thief reboot (THAIF), but... um... actually interesting and competent. The THAIF thing is interesting, though. Can I talk about that?
Initially the Thief reboot was called THI4F. A lot of people assumed that EIDOS didn't understand how the numbering thing worked, how it was L33T-SP34K where numbers replaced letters. I entertained that idea, but i also asked other questions. Such as -- Is thiaf actually a word?
Being as autistic as I am (which is as autistic AF, naturally, loves), I found out that thiaf is indeed a thing! It was proto-Germanic, Saxon in nature. I began to wonder to myself whether this meant that Thief was going to have a proto-Germanic setting, with all the trappings thereof, as opposed to the usual thief fare. I began to imagine how this would work, how they'd set up the location and the lore. It was fascinating, putting together this anachronistic representation of a forgotten Germany, pulling on history, folklore, and fantasy to do so.
After Deus Ex: Human Revolution, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I wondered if Eidos could actually pull this off. They created such an autistic intellectual property (which was actually intellectual) with their first Deus Ex game that I believed, for a moment, that this was their intent. They weren't failing to understand L33T-SP34K, they were being incredibly clever and hinting at what their upcoming game was about! Suffice it to say, I was excited.
I was then disappointed.
Turned out that they just didn't know how L33T-SP34K works. Sad.
No, really, a big bloody shame there as another culture other than Britain could've been explored as a setting. I'm British! I find it quite belaboured how everything that isn't modern day is generally British. Even the Elder Scrolls can do better than that, and that's not exactly a high bar (unless we're talking about Online, as that one tends to occasionally surprise me with how intelligent it can be).
Which brings me back to Ubisoft. Ubisoft enjoys having advisors and exploring other cultures; I'd love it if they were more fantastic and less murdery, but that's just what they want to do and I won't begrudge them that. They're not games made for me, but they are truly exemplary games. I'm not saying that to be political either and to try and look like a better person than the next because I'm invested in some sort of sociopathic, manipulative social game. No, no, no. Absolutely none of that. I hate that. No, I respect them.
I don't enjoy their games, for the most part. I buy some of them. I enjoy bits of them (being a pirate, Google conspiracy, the discovery tour mode, hacking), but in general the whole package doesn't click with me. My head is too in the clouds, and Ubisoft's offerings are too grounded. This is why I'm very excited about Beyond Good & Evil 2 as they might, finally, be making a Ubisoft game I want to play. The first was about lefty underground progressive journalism AND alien invasions. God yes. My god yes. Of course, my god has scales but the sentiment of my words likely isn't lost on you. I'm excited! Oh, yes.
Perhaps not Night in the Woods excited, but excited.
Note to self: You need to write about Night in the Woods and how the assumption that anthropomorphic characters are always meant either for children or bloody, violent, aggressive, mutilative games because you can't appeal to Teh Furreez. And how Night in the Woods just overturns that assumption with flawless gusto. Talk about that.
Sigh. Neurotypical assumptions.
This all brings me back to the Penis Empire thing. Yeah, a bit tongue-in-cheek. I've tongue-in-cheek trolled people before, in different places, with different names, just to try and snap them out of their assumption-laden stupour. And always it's the kneejerk reaction instead of wondering what's meant by it and questioning whether there's perhaps a shred of truth behind its statement that games development is a sausage fest where assumptions are made for women who're never allowed to speak for themselves.
That's why Ubisoft stands out to me, really. It's a company where women are allowed to speak. Usually, games development has very toxic ideas about women, even if women are allowed to work on developing games. It's almost every other day, now, you hear about harassment in some video game dev house or other.
I wouldn't call it surprising, but I would call it new.
In the '90s, it was entirely acceptable for a woman to lead a development team and create games which were sensitive to women. This was because, at the time, it seemed like a lot of the people using computers were autistic/introverted nerds. The neurotypicals just couldn't figure out those computer things, at all, so there was no market ther efor them until later on, when things had been dumbed down enough to be accessible to the neurotypical mainstream.
In the '90s, people were sensitive to sexism and racism more than today. It was the audience. If you had a scantily clad woman, or racist epithet, it'd leave your audience feeling distinctly uncomfortable. It was a different time, one where even furries could openly work on developing games. Then we were flooded with neurotypicals and the industry changed, it went from being one of questions to one of assumptions.
So instead of Laverne, Laura Bow, and Elaine Marley, we had faceless femme fatales or submissive sex objects meant for neurotypical males to lust after. It was a sad, sad, sad time. And whereas women-lead development was fairly common in the '90s, today it's almost unheard of. Thanks to neurotypicals, we went from a more equitable games industry to one that's truly a Penis Empire.
And it's not okay to call it that because it challenges the assumptions of neurotypicals. Assumptions that they know everything, that they never do wrong, and that everything is okay. I want to see women leading development again, and other ethnicities, and disabled people; I want to see developers taking this seriously and including advisors on their team whom they ask questions of and actually listen to.
What I don't want is to play a game and be hit with an autistic slur, only to see the garbage person responsible defend it by saying that 'people in reality can be nasty, too.' That's not the point, mendicant. You should be setting an example with your work. Yes, people can be bad, but in reality you'd have someone speak up against the slur in defence of the person being attacked. Which never happened in Dreamfall Chapters (the fell game responsible), did it?
Neurotypicals have been ruining game dev for the longest time, now. It's why I've fallen out of love with it. I mean, I look at the figures I used to love and I see people who're as autistic as hell. Tim Schafer, Ron Gilbert, the Coles, among others. I mean, I'm sorry if that's offensive to them but an autistic person can always spot another, it's not hard. I'm open to being proved wrong, of course, but I'm not basing my belief upon base assumptions. A life of researching neurotypicals? I've learned both how they are, and how they are not.
I'm open to being wrong, always, but since I bother to actually research things I'm more often correct than not. And I'm also sad. I'm sad that game dev used to be more progressive. It wasn't scared of anthros, animal people, and friendly dragons; It wasn't scared of ethnicities; It wasn't scared of strong, independent women; It wasn't scared about actually learning about the topics involved in its own games. I miss that. I miss that dearly.
I miss a games industry that wasn't afraid to ask questions, and wasn't afraid that the answer might not align with what they believe. This is why when I speak of game dev, if I want to see women in games I'm not saying "Hey, hire me!" but "Hey, hire women similar to the character you're trying to depict and ask them how accurate it is!" instead. This isn't some popularity contest, this is just one bloody ancient Welshman on the Internet longing for more diverse, interesting, and better games.
Hire more women, more ethnicities, more disabled folks, more autistic people, and give them a chance to have their voice heard as it once was in game dev. We've heard all that we can hear from white, healthy, cis-gendered dudes. Let's hear some new voices.
Like we used to.
Of course, I am intrigued by Shadow of War. I hear it's about a sociopath (the pompous arsehole of an elf), his enablers (such as the idiot ranger who's more compelled by his position on the social ladder than with petty little concerns like ethics and empathy), and how herd mentality can allow atrocities to come to pass with very little challenge since neurotypicals prefer to idolise the charming sociopath rather than recognise the genuinely terrible things they might be doing right in front of them (such as torture and slavery).
I heard of a scene where apparently Mr. Sociopath Elf is yelling about the orcs just being savage monsters, not noble men. Better nod along with that because he's just so handsome, charming, and in control!
That's kind of how Nazi Germany happened, right? The neurotypical herd idolising the sociopathic Hitler, treating him like some kind of adonis-esque godhead and ignoring the whole Holocaust thing. I mean, I've been watching that bit of ach-y-fi life theatre my entire life. Interesting to hear of a game tackling it.
I need to play that game, though it might be preaching to the choir.
More like that. More intelligence. More diversity. Come on, games industry. Do better.
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