#I feel him . I get him I’m just high functioning and better at masking so it pisses me off seeing people invade his boundaries

[hilaom]

neurotypicals stop forcing low functioning autistic family members to hug / kiss you challenge (impossible apparently)

[captain-mj]

Fruit and Cinnamon

Reread it while sober instead of high and fucking hated it, rewrote the whole thing sober, still not that happy with it, but hope you guys like this version better <3

Ghost stalked through silently the bar silently. His footsteps are quiet, but there was the faint sound of tinkling as his weapons bumped against each other. A soft sigh came from his mouth as he looked at all of the dead bodies. 

What a tragedy. 

Their bodies had been shredded. Not a single body had more than two limbs attached. Many looked like simple chunks of meat rather than an actual person. 

He stepped over them and continued on to look around. 

A radio was playing. Some heavy metal that he didn’t recognize. 

Out of the shadows, twisting and turning, body contorting in ways that would drive a human to madness, a woman emerged. She was wrapped in draping fabrics with blood dripping down it. Blood pulled around her. 

“Hello, Ghost.”

“Hello, Farah.” He responded, smiling. “How are you?”

There was a fire in her eyes. Literally. Slowly, it died back down and she looked very human. “You might want to change. Metal armor fell out of place about two hundreds years ago.”

Ghost frowned at her. “Seriously? You not suggesting the fabric you’re wearing…”

“Cotton t-shirt and cargo pants. The military uses them and they have many pockets!” Farah showed Ghost who found them… inadequate. Not the pockets. Pockets were fine. The fabric itself seemed inefficient. 

“What if a human gets stabbed on the battlefield?”

‘Weapons have changed. But we shall discuss it later. Alex plans to follow soon.” She stepped forward, leaving bloody footprints. “Need help?”

“No, I think I’ll stay in my ar-” 

Farah waved her hand and the clothes rippled and rolled into something more like what Farah herself was wearing. Ghost immediately felt displeased as he added a mask to it. “You’re welcome.” She called as she looked back, smiling. 

Ghost scoffed and stepped away from her to continue to investigate the bar. “What did the men do to make you so angry?”

Farah sighed. “The normal sins of human men.”

Ghost wasn’t sure what exactly they did, but he knew enough to know they deserved it. He touched the radio, recognizing the vague functions of it. “This is new.” 

Ghost hummed softly and closed his eyes to continue listening to the sound. It wasn’t his favorite, too chaotic sounding. Reminded him just a little too much of hell. 

He turned it off and looked at all the puddles of blood. Broken and destroyed bodies. 

One of them had a jacket on it with several patches. Ghost quickly ripped it off his body, ignoring when his arms detached and he had to pull them out. His new jacket was lovely. He stretched until his new human form popped and a shiver ran through him. 

Farah watched him as she fixed a drink. “Do you still only drink bourbon?”

“Scotch still tastes like dog piss.” Ghost caught the drink as she slid it over and lifted his mask to drink it. He rolled his shoulders. “Draw much attention to yourself?”

“Not that I could see. You?”

Ghost shook his head. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“Nice to be out of Hell.” Farah commented. “Was so tired of the constant torture and the screaming and the blood. I mean it was good fun but the routine gets so boring.”

Ghost nodded in agreement and downed the rest of the shot. “Think I could get another drink?” He tilted his glass to show that it was empty. 

Farah laughed and teased him as she pretended to bartend, wiping the counter. “For my favorite customer? Yeah, sure.” She fixed him another drink. “I’m tired. Planning to find myself a place to sleep for a while. Then blend in. Go out and see things. Dance. Feel the sun. You?”

Ghost swirled his drink before downing it. “Fruit. Specifically a fig.”

“That’s it?” Farah smiled. “What about pleasures of the flesh? I remember you complaining quite a bit a decade ago about how hell doesn’t suit your taste.” There was a hint of teasing there. 

Ghost looked into the empty shot glass. “Nah. First, I’m going to eat a fig. Then a shower. Maybe not even in that order.”

“Simple man of simple pleasures I suppose.” Farah smiled. She sighed. “We should probably leave. We stay in the same place too long, trouble will come.”

“Always does. Alex coming around yet?”

“No. Got caught and sent back to the center. I’m planning on helping him along if I can.”

Ghost grinned. “Convince a cult to summon him. They’re easy to manipulate.”

Farah put all of the glasses away. “Not a bad idea. We’ll see where we end up.” She leaned over and put her hand on Ghost’s shoulder, watching him cringe before forcing himself to relax. His eyes flitted about, not meeting hers. “Keep in touch with me. Don’t get lost.”

Ghost nodded and watched her leave silently. He probably should ask questions. Get more information about this new world he found himself in. Instead, he finished off a bottle of bourbon. 

That was an awful idea. This new body he created didn’t exactly have an alcohol tolerance built up yet. 

As he walked around, he realized more and more that this whole body was… rather sensitive. Cold rain stuck to him instead of sliding off his metal armor like he was used to. The fabric on his body clung to him, only making it worse. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this cold. 

It made the hot water feel that much better. It took him a while to figure out how motels worked and rather than deal with the ordeal of booking one, he just broke in to one and disposed of the inhabitants. He stood in the hot water, luckily he understood how indoor plumbing works thanks to hell taking inspiration. The soap felt nice. The smell… delicious. Some form of vanilla. 

Ghost knew not to stay in one place. His very presence brought danger. Despite that, he still slept. The sheets were too inviting. Softness. Decadence. He couldn’t remember the last time fabric felt so nice against his skin. Hell was made of sherpa and rough rocks. 

When he woke up, he knew he had spent too much time there. Both by the way he fell well rested in a way that one could never properly achieve in hell, but also by his guest. 

A strange little scottish man with funny hair. He reminded him a tiny bit of the Vikings he met back in the day, but they wore braids in their hair and this man did not. 

Little mystery man raised his blade and held it out. “I suggest you leave this mortal plane quickly, demon.” 

Ghost felt a little insulted. Here he was, simply lounging in bed. Unknown to him, Johnny thought the bed looked like it had a bed bug infestation. It also clearly had whatever bedding came cheapest.

Ghost stood up, knowing just how imposing he was. This was not a random vessel that he was wearing, but instead the body he crafted himself to feel more comfortable in. He towered over this little human, going to a good 6’4 so he still looked human. His eyes and hands, the only features able to be seen, were all very carefully human. Yes, his nails were painted but for coolness, not for conspicuity. 

“No. Don’t think I will.”

Soap lifted his blade. 

Gazes met. 

Ghost’s eyes widened. Those eyes. 

He’d know those blue eyes anywhere. 

Soap?

Johnny tried to stab him and Ghost quickly stepped back. In his head, the music played. From the Baroque time period. A memory of a dance. 

They danced around each other. Blows going back and forth. 

Ghost hit him hard, watching him stumble in shock. As if he wasn’t prepared for Ghost to fight back. 

Ghost slashed at him. Viciously. How dare this man wear those eyes. 

Soap bared his teeth, both interlocked. Blow for blow. 

“I hope you rot in hell.”

Ghost lunged for him. “I plan on dragging you down there with me.”

Misstep. 

The blade went through him and Soap glimpsed what was behind the fleshy mask. A monster that wanted to devour him whole. 

He looked afraid. 

As Ghost felt himself tear apart, doomed to go straight back to hell to repeat it, he knew what he’d do. 

He’d find this man again and rip his eyes out. 

[t0ast-ghost]

S3 EP21 (The Cloud Minders) oookay I genuinely don’t know what to think of that title

Anyway:

- OMG Kirk actually records his diaries on the bridge that’s so funny

- The chair swivelled so hard when Kirk got out of it that he had to go back to steady it with his hand

- The got roped into this one… (you see cause there’s a rope. It’s funny I promise)

- hi Margaret, I see you’re back (referring to the fact that Margaret Armen wrote this one)

- KICK !

- “I have never before met a Vulcan, sir.” “Nor I a work of art, madam.” I’d melt personally

- I have a feeling the disrupters have very reasonable demands

- WHAT THE FUCK THAT GUY JUST JUMPED

- Kirk sleeping while Spock internally monologues contemplates. Relationship goals.

- OKAY but the back of Droxine’s dress is so fucking cool. Peacock aesthetic.

- OKAY but like this other lady’s dress tho. The deeper blue. (Self note: draw Spock and McCoy in the dresses)

- ICKY ICK NO KIRK NO

- “You only take a mate once every seven years.” Yeah but he’s married to the doctor and captain aboard the ship

- Droxine wants him so bad goddamn

- “Extreme feminine beauty… is always… disturbing… madam.” “Spock!” As soon as Kirk calls him he’s outta there.

- Vanna is in the right here. Droxine is awful.

- This is such a good episode omg

- it’s showing how rich people delude themselves and justify having lower classes by reducing people to functions and workers.

- FLASHING LIVHTS HOLY HELL (careful showing this to your photosensitive friends)

- Is Kirk going to get put in the torture machine this episode? (Edit: no)

- Spock, Droxine is a rich idiot who is very used to justifying her actions with self inflicted ignorance, DO NOT PERSUE HER

- RAHHH WE LOVE VANNA

- hiii McCoy hiiiiiiiii

- no fuck off mccoy fuck off doesn’t matter if they’re slightly intellectually ‘inferior’ they still deserve rights and they’re still obviously intelligent life

- oh okay the gas is causing slight brain damage but still. The disrupters are in the right. And they’re gonna help them, yay!

- The Advisor said “erect” lol

- Kirk, obviously the Advisor knows that in order to stay in power he needs the Troglytes to stay confused, disorganized, and separate from their part of society… he’s doing this ON PURPOSE

- Kirk, go down there and punch the Advisor, please

- “Captain, if you are apprehended deliberately violating the High Advisor’s orders, he will be within his rights to have you executed if he chooses.” “If you’re about to suggest that you contact Vanna, the answer is negative, Spock. That goes for you too, Bones.” Bones so readily goes to suggest himself but is immediately shut down. Kirk knows their bullshit

- “Hours can be centuries, just as words can be lies.” That goes so hard wtf

- So why doesn’t Kirk beam out of there with her and directly to the caves? Well there wasn’t any trouble anyway but whatever

- LMAO the mask is so silly omg omg

- What the fuck. With his bare hands? (Edit: I’m talking about mining rocks. Promise.)

- Why did he cause a cave in? Omg he’s an idiot.

- Kirk is so done with these idiots. He’s just gonna put them in a cave and let the gasses get them

- Kirk’s not doing well… McCoy and Spock are very worried about him

- HE KICKED ONE OF THE MORTAE OUT OF HIS HANDS

- Kirk’s ass I really like Kirk’s fighting style, lots of kicks and a little bit of whacking

- “I don’t like filters or even masks. I like the word ‘protector’ much better.” Did some Trekkie’s call masks this during the pandemic?

- KIRK DO NOT KISS HER

(He doesn’t but the vibes were terrible)

Masterpost

Teleplay by Margaret Armen

Story by David Gerrold & Oliver Crawford

[once-in-a-blood-moon]

The Boys as Ghost Songs

Listen, I know these aren't the meanings of the songs, but that's the beauty of music. Lyrics can be interpreted in so many ways. But I love Ghost so here we are. Do let me know if you have other opinions, I'd love to hear them!

Oof, sorry about the formatting. It looks fine on my laptop, but it looks rough on my phone, and I can't fix it :(

Lucifer - From the Pinnacle to the Pit 

“In your empire They stare in frown”

“You are cast out from the heavens to the ground Blackened feathers falling down You will wear your independence like a crown” 

Look me in the eyes and tell me I'm wrong with this one. He was once the pride of the celestial realm, revered by all in the three realms combined. But his own kind betrayed him by siding with their father, and was shunned to a life of a demon. His pride was incredibly wounded by the fall, but he still worked hard to affirm his position next to the demon prince. Though, it’s no secret that he overworks himself and takes on way too many responsibilities. He’s too prideful to let go of the reins. 

Mammon - Twenties 

“In the twenties, we’ll be singing in a reign of pennies In the twenties, we’ll be soaring in disguise of bevies In the twenties, we’ll be smooching at the feet of da rulah In the twenties, we’ll be grinding in a pile of moolah”  “Listen up, you motherfuckers Those ivy league dopes they wanna mock us” 

Okay, he would go wild to this song as it is. The chorus is just him indulging in his greed and whatnot. Go big or go home kinda vibe, doing the most because he can’t get enough. The last line is his brothers using him as a punching bag, downplaying his intelligence to make themselves look or feel better. But Mammon’s pretty smart in his own right, especially emotionally. 

Leviathan - See the Light 

“Many a mind I have haunted And in many a way I have been Often the one to have flaunted An image grotesque and obscene”  “Everyday that you feed me with hate I grow stronger” 

I’m not too sure about this one, but I think it makes sense. I’m gonna twist the lyrics a little, so hang with me. So, no surprise, Leviathan is insecure. And even though people don’t see him as badly as he sees himself, it’s like he tries to convince everyone how disgusting he is. As he does this, it reaffirms to himself his own disgust, which feeds into his sin. His envy can get pretty out of control or stronger to the point of inflicting violence on others. 

Satan - Circe 

“I know your soul is not tainted Even though you’ve been told so Can you hear the rumble? Can you hear the rumble that’s calling?”  “I feel the thunder that’s breaking in your heart I can see through the scars inside you” 

This is Satan’s song, I don’t care. Like this song has so much Satan potential. Anyway, he’s wrath incarnate, a demon who killed and tortured for sport. But he’s able to compose himself to look like a normal functioning citizen. He keeps himself immersed in books and knowledge, because if he can’t win with anger and violence, he can win with wit and intelligence. He wants to show he’s more than just his wrath. But no matter how much he distracts himself with books and the like, a violent storm still swirls inside. 

Asmodeus - Mary On A Cross 

“We were scanning the cities, rocking to pay their dues But besides all the glamor, all we got was bruised But through all the sorrow, we’ve been riding high And the truth of the matter is I never let you go”  “If you choose to run away with me I will tickle you internally And I see nothing wrong with that” 

This song has Asmo written all over it. He shows his innate beauty and masks his insecurities, the bruises and hurt he carries. He uses sex and flirtation as a way to get external validation. I think he knows how detrimental these things can be, but he doesn’t know any better. He sees how wrong it is, but his sin does not. His sin knows no bounds.

Beelzebub - Call Me Little Sunshine 

“Call out in the middle of the night For when else would I hear you? Fall out in the cold starlight I can save you if you do”  “You will never walk alone You can always reach me You will never, ever walk alone”

So we know Beel is a little sunshine so there’s that already. Anyways, after the war and the death of his sister, Beel often has nightmares. They reoccur, playing scenarios of ifs that he can’t go back and change. But with his other brothers, especially Belphie, he knows he’s not alone, and neither are they. They are together, and as much as they fight and argue, they have each other's backs. 

Belphegor - Hunter’s Moon 

“It’s been a long time coming I’m coming back for you, my friend To where we’d hide as children I’m coming to see you, my friend”  “Under a headstone sister I’m dying to see you, my friend”

Same reason as Beel, Belphie’s the moon, we been knew. Okay so beyond that, we know that Belphie’s had just a lil bit of guilt from the war, but his guilt manifests in the form of anger and vengeance. He blames the humans for the death of his sister, and was infuriated by Diavolo’s idea to create an exchange program. So if he couldn’t prevent the exchange program altogether, then he can use it for his own agenda. To right a wrong that’s been festering for far too long. 

Diavolo - Absolution 

“As a child with your mind on the horizon Over corpses to the prize you kept your eyes on Trying to be the chosen one”  “Even now when you’re here you are moving Hysterically seeking out what needs improving And you’re still asking for the sun” 

Diavolo’s had a dream to create a unity between the three realms. He wants to strengthen the bonds so that each race can co-exist in relative harmony. But he knows how delicate these things can be. And there won’t ever be complete order, complete order is too much to ask for. But he still strives for just a sliver of peace between all races. He wants to be the one to bring in a new era. 

Barbatos - Faith 

“There is a scourge in the guise of sanctity A perpetrator with a quill Although it’s often steeped in well-spun mystery The accuser sends a bill” “I am all eyes I am all ears I am the wall And I'm watching you fall” 

The all seeing Barb. No, but it’s kinda true. He holds all time and has the power to switch timelines. He’s been around a while, so he’s seen injustices and the like. I mean, he has a torture room to punish unruly beings. But he’s always composed, and to anyone unsuspecting, you would never guess his more sinister ways. Barbatos is an enigma. Also he would love this song. 

Simeon - He Is 

“We’re hiding here inside a dream And all our doubts are now destroyed The guidance of the Morning Star Will lead the way into the void”  “And we are falling Over the precipice” 

After the brothers fell, Simeon’s held a bit of guilt. Like he let his fellow brothers down, by not falling with them. So he created a means to cope with the guilt by writing and basing a series on the brothers. It makes him feel closer to them, like he still has pieces of them through the pages. And when he goes to the exchange program, he finds that it may not be so bad to fall, although there still is a fear of being abandoned like that, he finds that there are things worth falling for. Seeing the brothers, particularly Lucifer, continue on with their lives with relative freedom, it may not be so bad. 

Luke -  Griftwood 

“Suffering for the Lord is not an easy thing Be it a conjuring So ordained, and adored, so immaculate”  “You wanna console the griever You wanna guide the believer You and the greatest deceiver And never, ever suffer again” 

I struggled to find a song for Luke, and this is the closest I’m gonna get. He’s a devoted angel, and being so young and inexperienced, he’s quite naive. Like “all demons are bad,” kind of naive. Being an angel shows a dedication, and demons don’t have an order. But he learns that they aren’t all bad, and he still can play the role of an angel and be kind to them. He can cheer them up with desserts, but also “reprimand” them for their not so holy behaviors. Both parties have things they can learn from the other.

Solomon - Witch Image 

“I, have always kept you closer than you’ve known I, I am riding in the shadows behind you on a pale white horse”  “While you sleep in earthly delight Someone’s flesh is rotting tonight Like no other to you What you’ve done you cannot undo” 

I was between Life Eternal and this one, but chose this one. Life Eternal is more of his feelings to you, and I wanted a song that described just him, y’know? Anyways, he’s immortal, and will continue to live. And because of his mistake, he has watched people that he cares about die. So he’s learned to stay away from others, so they don't get too close. His loneliness is his only friend, as it’ll always be there to embrace him when he loses someone once again. 

[aaronsmith94]

Life has been kind of funny. New therapist and new psychiatrist and they both felt and confirmed I’m inattentive ADHD. And I can’t really put into words how nice it is to actually have that diagnosis. How they took the time going over everything with me and reassuring me that those frustration episodes and mood swings are in fact related to ADHD and not Bipolar like I fear. (Note I don’t fear Bipolar Disorder and I know several amazing folks with it however my abusive father was Bipolar and I simply would have had to be committed if I did have it like him.)

And then it got me thinking about everything and how I struggled so hard in elementary but I was masking symptoms by age 5 because I was always performing trying to be perfect so my father didn’t beat me. So I simply slipped through I wasn’t disruptive. I struggled through high school way harder than I should have. University was horrible for me then my auto immune symptoms started showing up then so I was just trying to survive. But during that time I was put on Adipex cause shocker everyone thought my weight was an issue.

That Adipex made me go from struggling and nearly failing out of my expensive ass private LPN program to being the top of my class and passing my NCLEX with 85 questions. Stopped that after getting in with my rheumatologist and figured out I was RA and Lupus but I just kind of bumbled through my 20’s. Job jumping, spending habits that were so bad, executive disfunction so high.

So here I am 29 diagnosed with ADHD after going through 5 different antidepressants and a mood stabilizer and a benzo to try and function. The death of my father made me reach out to a therapist for better understanding of PTSD and how to work on it and we just discovered a lot about me. New psychiatrist is an absolute gem and I am thankful to have him also.

Saturday was the first day with meds and it was just nice for my brain to be calm and just have linear thoughts and just do things without an internal struggle. Didn’t fight with myself to do my bedtime routine. I’ve been so self critical of myself the last 3 years. I know I will have a grief response for me that has had to struggle this long but I feel like I’m on the right path now.

[princelylove]

your highness..i've become an abbachio stan?? somehow he's invaded my mind.

and i can't stop thinking about his makeup, for some reason. just a gut feeling i have, but abbachio's like **mad** insecure. he feels like he needs a mask of something, and in my mind makeup symbolises that. when he's around darling, he deffo doesn't wear as much around them-- a subtle way (or in his mind, at least. for most of us, it'd be minuscule; dare i say, atomically small) way of being vulnerable with darling. or maybe i'm completely wrong about him idk. golden wind is my least favourite part so...

your loving peon who comes with a gift of a mysterious bubbling blue substance in a beaker that resembles dawn dish soap if it was boiled and liquified --- 🌸 anon

…. I am not drinking that. Go put that back where you found it.

Leone is like an old italian woman in the sense that you never see her face not fully done. Even when he kidnaps you and you live with him full-time, you won’t see his bare face unless you sneak into his room late at night- In which he’ll ask what the hell you think you’re doing in there. (Because it looks like you’re coming to kill him. Don’t sneak up on a mafioso.)

I agree with makeup being his mask. He feels as if it’s a temporary fix for his ‘shameful’ face- his self confidence is like one of those “I hate myself but I’m still better than you.” types. His makeup makes him feel presentable, and without it, he just can't function. He'd never want you to see him like that- too vulnerable, too... weak.

But, if you're lucky, or maybe you get up early enough, you'll find him starting his makeup routine. If he trusts that you do love him... he won't shut the door in your face immediately.

[teabookgremlin]

alright here we fucking go. i took 4 pages of notes on 02x01 last night, so here is the typed up/hopefully more sensical/overview of my thoughts on yellowjackets 02x01

also before i get into it i just wanna say that i literally felt high in the last like 5 minutes leading up to midnight. like exact same feelings as the time i took to much of an edible so yellowjackets is a drug confirmed

spoilers below the cut!

- obviously tai and van tying their arms together so tai doesn’t sleepwalk really stood out to me, i’m glad tai was able to tell van about the problem and that they were able to find a bit of a solution. also its just cute i love my little lesbians

- lottie’s rituals to protect nat and travis, found the blood water interesting and hope for more blood rituals cause that’s fun

- “primal, elemental self — nothing more painful than hiding that self” this lottie quote just stood out a bit and i liked it

- THE START OF THE JACKIE GHOST/HALLUCINATIONS i’m so ready i loved them playing mash and it playing out to describe shauna’s future as basically what it becomes. then her telling jackie about how things with jeff started? this better lead to a love confession i swear. then the ear and into her pocket it goes

- feeling bad for adult tai but like also simone does need to get out of there with sammi like run girl

- nat and travis still going out looking for javi is SO SAD cause like he must be dead but ugh poor travis (and other sentences i did not expect to type)

- gotta take a moment and appreciate how insane it is that it took and affair, murder, and blackmail for jeff and shauna to start communicating/have a decent relationship. also the thing about her being turned on by him with someone else? okay girl we know who you’re talking about

- THE EAR FONDLING SHE’S SO INSANE

- misty and crystal’s loser girl friendship already means the world to me i’m so ready

- curious as to if javi is actually alive bc lottie believes he is, i feel like at this point her shit is fairly accurate but we’ll see

- i laughed out loud at jeff in the car listening to last resort this show is truly a comedy

- need the lottienat enemies to lovers arc asap

- okay TAIVAN TIME: “i’m never gonna be scared of you” <3, literally obsessed with the i love you scene that is peak romance, literally kicking my feet and giggling and i didn’t not fall asleep to fantasies of being tai in that scene

- curious about the animal mask ritual, leaning towards it being either initiation or sacriface

- and finally SHE ATE THE EAR! what the actual fuck. this is fully not how i thought the cannibalism would start but it makes soooooo much sense. cannibalism as a function of grief, jackie consumes shauna’s life so shauna physically consumes her, the clear like NEED to eat it from shauna, the secrecy of it all. lets hope next ghost jackie scene is a confrontation into love confession

[mageofseven]

Hi! I've been following you for a while and really enjoy your content, and I wanted to request a match-up if that's alright! Specifically from the Brothers ^-^

I'm Sun Cancer, Moon Pisces, ISTP personality type. I prefer quiet activities, especially parallel-play sort things where people are still in the same room but enjoying doing separate things.

I have autism and ADHD- I really don't do well around people who are very loud. I tend to show affection in ways that aren't considered typical, such as headbutting or laying/leaning against someone. I have chronic pain and fatigue issues that make it difficult for me to get around sometimes, so I need quiet and calm days more often than not.

I tend to listen more than talk, but being around people who talk a lot tends to wear me out 😅 I’m an artist and self-taught cook!

I haven’t sent a matchup request to anyone in literal years, so I’m sorry if I’ve left info out!

-🐛(is this emote taken yet?)

Ok first off you sound adorable!!!!!

Cancer sun, pisces moon, ISTP???

I feel like you are definitely more sensitive than you let others know at first.

Also, hi! I am autistic and have ADHD too~

Now! Let's break this all down~

Okay so Cancer suns are known for being loyal, compassionate, and open-minded, but also moody and pessimistic.

Cancer is a water element, expressing it's feminine or rather, yin energy of emotions. Emotions flow strongly in you and you understand things well outside of what logic can tell you.

Cancer is also ruled by the moon, which governs the personal self, emotions, and the unconscious mind. The moon also represents the need for security and habitual patterns.

Your Pisces moon shows that you have powerful intuition, are introspective, and are empathetic with others.

All of this mixed with your ISTP personality is very fascinating.

ISTPs have the function stack of TiSeNiFe or, more simply, TiSe.

This means your primary function is Introverted Thinking. This basically mean you are a pretty logical person, but love exploring theoreticals and are not chained to what is practical like high Te users can be.

It is supported by your auxiliary function, Extraverted Sensing. This function is all about experiences. You need to do it. Feel it. Hear it. See it. Trying something out yourself and moving your body makes things a lot easier to learn and understand than if someone just tells you about it. Se is your way of collecting data in the external world for you to give to your Ti in order to process it and make decisions.

This is a surprising mix because people usually don't describe ISTPs as 'introspective' or 'compassionate', but in truth, I see this as just a testimony to the layers that you carry.

I feel that you are complex in a very beautiful way.

With all of this said, I must figure out the Brother I think would appreciate this complexity the most.

And honestly, I imagine there are some who follow my blog that won't be the least bit surprised with the Brother I have chosen. Now,

I pair you with...

Satan

Honestly, he's the Brother I truly believe can appreciate just your complexity and inner flow while also being helpful and considerate of your issues.

Honestly, I see Satan as being autistic too, but being pretty skilled at masking. Still, he would share some of your sensitivities and have methods that could help you get through difficult situations or even how to get you out of them all together.

He's also very smart and knows a plethora of information. I can see him using this knowledge to help you at least cope better with your chronic pain and fatigue issues.

I also see him as someone who not only enjoys parallel play, but prefers it.

Imagine being wrapped in his arms as he reads his book while you read your own, scroll through your phone, or any other activity you'd like.

He'd also be okay with it if it was a day you just didn't feel like being touched and instead sat in your own spot. Regardless, he'll just be happy to have your presence near by as you both do your own thing.

Also...you literally said you enjoy giving affection by headbutting others like a cat, as if this man didn't have a whole freaking texting conversation in Nightbringer about how much he wanted to be headbutted 😂

So yeah! Enjoy being Satan's new Kitten 🥰🤭

[katyalume]

Venting because I have no friends

I have no one to listen to my rant about life and I have no followers whatsoever so this should bother anyone, I just need to let it out.

So, the thing is I am AuDHD and It’s been a bit over a year since I’ve started to try to unmask. Ironically enough, I feel so much better since I’ve started, but things have gotten way harder in every other aspect.

I suffered a lot of bullying as a child because of my autistic traits (even tho I didn’t know I was autistic) and at home my parents always told me I behaved like that on purpose because I was an attention seeker. That means I’ve been masking my entire life as a defense mechanism, to the point I don’t even know who I am in reality.

I was diagnosed at 19 after I was forced to go to therapy after I attempted to un-alive myself when my dad died. I can’t really afford therapy now since I barely have enough to pay for rent + college, so the information and tools I have to understand my disability are very limited. I’m currently 21, I moved out at 18 for college but I depended on my mom until last year (she’s pretty traditional so she doen’t think therapy is a real thing). I tried to save for therapy, but I really need to move out of the place I’m living now. The roommates I have now make my life a living hell, but this is the cheapest place I’ve found so far.

I’ve also been having a lot of issues in college. I’ve had the hardest time making friends as a disabled person; on my first year I was still masking a lot and I forced myself to do anything I could to be “normal”, so I ended up with a pretty big friend group, but also completely burnt out. After I attempted, I decided to start being myself and actually accommodate to my needs. That helped a lot, but made me lose the friends I had, because they didn’t think I was fun anymore and I became very “high maintenance”. I’m still on “good terms” with a couple of people, but most of them started to make fun of me and started the rumor in my class that I was faking autism for attention.

Also, the professors are not much better. I’ve been denied multiple times to any accommodations, like wearing noise cancelling headphones during exams. Last semester only 1 out of 5 professors let me wear them, exclusively during the tests and after checking them (in case I was trying to cheat on the exam using them). I tried to complain to the university, but the dean (whose one of my professors) said I couldn’t expect them to go against the rules, and that I didn’t need accommodations because I’m not “that disabled” since I’m verbal and “high functioning”.

But today was just too much. Last week I had a presentation that was 50% of my grade; after the presentation, the professor pulled me over to tell me that my presentation was very good, but I was not making enough eye contact during the speech, and I had a poor body language, so that was going to affect my grade. He already knew I’m autistic, but I tried to tell him anyway, and he responded that I couldn’t expect special treatment just because I “have autism”, and that if I make an effort, I’ll get over it, because if I don’t, I’m going to, and I quote, “have a very miserable life”. Today I got the report on that assignment and I have a 20/50.

I’m really devastated and can’t wait for things to get better.

[leontranslationarchives]

DKHn 6 Afterstory

Danshi Koukousei, Hajimete no Series

Vol. 6: Spoil Me, Sensei

Track 3

Afterstory: When was the Last Time you Dreamed of Flying in the Sky?

Voice Actors: Yashiro Taku x Shingaki Tarusuke

Characters: Rokko Ayahito x Oota Jin

Notes: There's already a translation for the first two tracks by Kabedon Company, so I've decided to complete the disk. Other danhaji tls coming soon, but particularly of this couple.

Proton Drive (PDF)

Proton Drive (docx)

tl under the cut:

R : Rokko Ayahito

R (y) : Rokko Ayahito (young)

O : Oota Jin

[Car whooshing.]

[00:03] R : Ah, the usual dream.

[00:10] R (y) : Hey, we don’t have to go to the sea! Let’s just go home!

[00:15] R : In the dream, I tried to stop it. I tried to stop it countless times.

[00:25] R (y) : Let’s go back! Mother!

[Truck horn. Vehicle skidding and crashing.]

[Rokko gasps as he wakes from his nightmare.]

[00:41] R : …fuck.

[00:44] R : Again, again, again. No matter how many times I try, I’ve never been able to stop it even once.

[Alarm beeps. Rokko shuts it off harshly.]

[01:01] R : Even though it’s been a while since I’ve had it…

[01:11] R : …it’s Sensei’s fault.

[01:15] R : Two years ago, I entered high school at the lowest point of my life. Still, by forcing a smile and going with the flow, I managed to survive. I can feel something rotting at the bottom of my heart, but that’s nobody else’s business but mine. As it should be. I don’t want to get involved with other people anyway.

[01:44] R : Still, there would be times where I couldn’t breathe. There would be times where I couldn’t bear enduring lessons in that bright classroom.

And in one of those times, after excusing myself to the infirmary to get out of class, I met Sensei at the rooftop.

[Door to rooftop creaks as Rokko opens and closes them. He sighs.]

[02:12] O : Oh? You skipping too?

[Not expecting anyone there, Rokko gasps in shock.]

[02:16] O : That tie… first grade, huh. Name?

[02:22] R : …Rokko. Rokko Ayahito.

[02:27] O : Oh, sure.

[Oota grunts as he lights his cigarette and takes a drag out of it. Birds are chirping in the distance.]

R : …

[02:41] O : Want some?

[02:43] R : …okay.

[02:44] O : Wait, really? You’re accepting a smoke from a teacher just like that? Interesting kid!

[02:50] R : …hah?

[02:52] R : What’s wrong with him?

[02:56] O : Here. [hands him a box of cigarettes]

[03:00] R : Thank you.

[03:02] R : And he’s really giving me this? Is this teacher okay?

[03:10] O : If you smoke menthol cigarettes, you’ll be impotent, you know.

[03:14] R : Eh?!

[03:15] O : Juuust kidding.

[03:17] R : What’s with that, seriously…

[03:22] R : Why am I even doing this? Wouldn’t it be a problem if I get caught? If they called back home about this…

…well, whatever.

[03:39] R           : Impotent, huh…

[03:42] O           : Oh? Can’t get it up?

[03:44] R           : No way. I’m a perfectly functional man.

[03:47] O           : I see. Must be a pain…

[03:51] R           : What is?

[Oota takes a drag out of his cigarette.]

[03:54] O           : Isn’t it a pain? Sexual desire, that is.

[03:59] R           : …yeah, it is.

[long inhale] Even though the world would be more at peace if it didn’t exist…

[04:07] O           : [laughs] Lofty words from a kid like you.

[04:12] R           : Name.

[04:13] O           : Ha?

[04:15] R           : Sensei’s name?

[04:17] O           : Oota. I’m Oota the art teacher.

[04:22] R           : As he said that and smiled, the white coat fluttering behind him looked like the wings of a bird.

[Title Read]

[04:53] R           : Even so, it’s not like anything started after that. As time passed, I became better at lying. After passing first grade, I’ve perfected the mask of a model student. Still, in front of Sensei… only in front of Oota-sensei am I not able to wear that mask as perfectly.

That’s because he’s my one exception, that much I understand. But I’ve always been running away from the reason behind it. Then that day, in that sweltering art room, it suddenly came spilling out.

Three days after that…

[05:53] R           : Good afternoon!

[05:55] O           : Hey.

[05:59] R           : Sensei, let’s have sex!

[06:03] O           : You say it like you’re inviting me out for baseball, huh. So casually.

[06:07] R           : We already did it once, isn’t it just the same thing again?

[06:12] O           : What scum. Also, isn’t this the middle of class for you?

[06:15] R           : It’s self-study time right now, so I’m free.

So it’s okay, isn’t it?

[06:26] O           : Sure.

[06:28] R           : R-really?

[06:29] O           : But we’re doing car sex.

[06:35] R           : …sorry, but I’m not a fan of cars. I get carsick fast… having car sex with you doesn’t sound too bad though, Sensei.

[06:44] O           : Hey Rokko, what do you see in your nightmares?

R            : !

[06:49] O           : Was it the moment where the truck crashed into you and killed your mother who was driving? Do you hear the sound of car breaks in your dream? What about the impact of the crash? Feel any pain? What about smell? Must be the smell of burning tires, right? Or maybe—

[07:04] R           : Stop it!

[Rokko is taken aback by his own outburst.]

[07:10] R           : …I’ll be going back.

[Oota holds him back.]

[07:12] O           : Wait.

[07:14] R           : …What?

[07:17] O           : It’s a good thing. The fact that you survived.

[Rokko is taken aback. Oota closes the distance between them.]

[07:24] O           : That expression… exciting.

The face of a poor, pitiful brat.

[07:30] R           : …you knew?

[07:32] O           : About the accident? Looked it up after fucking you.

[07:38] R           : Why?

[07:39] O           : ‘Cause I got interested in you.

[07:42] R           : Interested?

[07:44] O           : Yep. Not as a student, but as Rokko Ayahito-kun.

Hey, you’re currently living alone, right? Why did you leave home? Survivor’s guilt? But wasn’t the cause of the accident the truck driver nodding off? Still can’t forgive yourself even then?

[08:07] R           : That’s not it!

…I had to get a blood transfusion, since there was internal bleeding. After that, my family looked into this and that and came to know something. Do you know about how cuckoos lay their eggs?

[08:30] O           : …ah, so your father was another man.

[08:35] R           : Exactly. It seems like there was cheating going on. While I was in a coma, they did a complete DNA test. When I finally woke up, I was surprised. The world had changed completely.

…well, then other things happened, and to make it clear I wasn’t part of the family, my father paid me off, I left the house, and here we are. A pretty common story, isn’t it?

[09:10] O           : It is.

[09:13] R           : Did this satisfy your curiosity? This kind of ordinary tale must be disappointing—

[Oota hugs Rokko.]

[09:18] O           : It’s okay.

[09:23] R           : …please let go of me.

[09:25] O           : Hehe. More humiliated by sympathy than licking my shoes, hm?

[09:33] R           : …don’t say it like you understand.

[09:35] O           : But I do. It’s what the sex was about, right?

[09:38] R           : To that extent—

[09:39] O           : That was the kind of sex you wanted, right?

R            : …

[09:44] O           : The pitiful Rokko-kun who couldn’t even become scum. Too prideful and smart to become a failure, you can only go around smiling like an idiot.

You’re admirable, you know.

[Oota kisses Rokko.]

[10:03] O           : You really hung in there.

R            : !

[10:10] R           : It’s not like I wanted to be saved by these words. Nor is it that I wanted someone to save me. But still…

[10:25] R           : You… You really are the worst.

[10:31] O           : Haha! We’re on different levels of scum, you know.

[10:38] R           : …is that something to brag about?

[10:43] R           : I wanted someone to say that I’m not a bad person. The me that wants for such a thing is revolting. I want to kill the Sensei who saw through into that part of me.

Still, I didn’t break free from the arms holding me tight.

[11:08] R           : I wish I didn’t say I wanted to go see the ocean.

[11:13] O           : Hmm?

[11:16] R           : It was just a selfish whim. If only I didn’t say it. If only the accident didn’t happen, if only the lie was never exposed until the end…

[11:27] O           : You’re right. You really were unlucky, huh.

[11:32] R           : Don’t say that so easily.

[11:34] O           : Frustrating?

[11:36] R           : …it makes me angry.

[11:37] O           : That’s fine. Your misfortunes are your own, you know. Your pain and regrets and everything else, they’re all solely yours. Get angry and cry all you want. Drown in your sorrows and become lazy for all I care.

[11:55] R           : I won’t. That’s so… lame.

[11:58] O           : [laughs] You’re really interesting, you know?

[12:01] R           : I’m not interest—

[Oota pulls Rokko in for another kiss.]

[12:10] O           : I really do like that part of you.

[12:17] R           : To be saved by these kinds of words… I’m really an easy man, huh.

But that’s just how it is. As long as this person understands, as long as he says he likes me, perhaps with just that I am already…

[12:42] R           : Then, please spoil me.

[12:45] O           : Ha?

[12:47] R           : The teacher relentlessly hollowing out my pitiful heart can at least spare me some affection, I think.

[12:53] O           : Haven’t I been spoiling you plenty all this time?

[12:56] R           : More! To make it even, I will also be spoiling Sensei.

[13:02] O           : You? Spoil me?

[13:04] R           : Of course. I’m a pretty decent man when I feel like it, you know.

[13:09] O           : [laughs] I wonder about that.

[13:12] O           : [groans] Well, first of all… let’s go to the ocean, Rokko. I’ll lead you to the sea you’ve never gone to.

[le-trash-prince]

I’ve been really mad at one of my coworkers lately because he keeps ignoring instructions that he’s been given because he thinks they’re unnecessary.

Particularly this week, we were parking a big moving truck in a loading bay, and he decided it would be a good idea to grab the loading ramp from the truck and hold onto it/pull it out while the truck was pulling forward.

So then I, who am in charge of employee safety, call his name and tell him to let go, then to stop, and then tell him that it is a liability. Then I know he understood me because he said it wasn’t a liability (even though it would come down on my head if an accident happened and he fell off the concrete ledge that he was bending over while holding onto a moving vehicle).

Thankfully nothing happened, but 99% of the time, accidents aren’t going to happen anyways, but you still have to prepare for that 1% chance.

Because this is a recurring issue that I’d been thinking over for a while, I had a small script prepared and was able to be direct with him once the truck was parked. I told him that I needed him to be better at listening, and that when I tell him to stop something, I need him to stop.

I assumed that would be it, but then later in the day we were parking the truck again and he goes and does the same thing again! So I tell him he can’t do that, and he just asks why not, so I point at the multiple stickers on the truck saying “not to hold the ramp while the ”DO NOT HOLD RAMP WHILE VEHICLE IS IN MOTION. SERIOUS OR EVEN FATAL INJURY CAN OCCUR.”

And then he just laughs like it’s cute that I think he would obey a warning sign! What the fuck!

I’ve been trying to process this so I can talk to our boss about it because I think it’s a serious issue! He ignores systems that our boss asks him to follow as well, like he’ll follow the rules for a few times but then start doing things the way he prefers—which causes problems for other people, hence the system.

I think part of me is also just bitter because he’s a white male high-functioning autistic stereotype, so he can get away with being an asshole and saying rude things and acting like he’s the smartest person in the room while spewing off conspiracy theory clickbait. Meanwhile I have to mask my ass off and not tell him how stupid I think he is because I’m supposed to be understanding and professional and a “good listener.” But if I spoke to people the way he does, I’d get called a bitch behind my back every single day.

I don’t want it to feel like I’m just complaining to my boss when I talk about what happened this week. But trying to process all this and script a conversation is keeping me up way later than I am happy with. Luckily I don’t have to see the coworker until Monday, which is a relief because with all the physical exhaustion on top of this, I am a hair’s breadth from a meltdown.

[badolmen]

Okay it’s been a bit since my last rewatch and I’m 100% projecting some of this as a low empathy autistic person but basically:

The ‘emotionless and logical’ stereotype has applied to autistic coded characters a lot over the years but I’ve never seen it so blatantly done as in DtB. It’s outright stated several times by different characters: contractors can’t feel emotion, contractors only care about themselves, purely logical beings, etc.. But what’s stated and what’s shown differs significantly - for all contractors, not just Hei who we know to be an anomaly.

Repeatedly we see contractors get angry, frustrated, grieve, or enjoy themselves - in private and in high tension scenarios where it doesn’t serve them to display the vulnerability of emotion. Why?

Well, the most obvious answer is that contractors can and do feel emotions, we’re just told otherwise. But it’s important to remember that sometimes the person telling us they’re emotionless is themself a contractor - who, in many cases, will display emotion when provoked. Why would they assert that they’re emotionless when clearly capable of emotions?

I think this could be seen as parallel to autistic masking - they have to conform to societal expectations to protect themselves psychologically or socially from the repercussions of an emotional nature. A contractor who is emotional has greater risk of having those emotions leveraged against them - the emotions are a liability best ignored and repressed as long as they possible can. Caring about someone or something is dangerous, but we see time and time again contractors choose emotional connection over apathy. A contractor who is emotional is themself a liability - having emotions as a super powered individual is only perceived as making them more volatile and unpredictable, better dead than alive to anyone who would hire them. Wei is a very good example of this; he’s absolutely unhinged and a danger to those who hired him to protect them.

I guess an additional layer would be interrogating why they care for their teammates when, logically, they’re better off avoiding attachment to people who very well may die and be replaced. I struggle to empathize with neurotypical individuals, but I personally find it easier to understand the emotions of other autistic people. A contractor might not care about a human as much as they care about another contractor, and another contractor is more likely to understand them in turn. This isn’t to say contractors can’t or don’t hold emotions for human teammates or partners, just that recognition of self in the other is a very powerful draw when it comes to connecting with others.

Outside of this emotion+logic schema, if you’re considering the treatment of contractors as a whole by the narrative and the in-world politics, it simply screams ‘savant syndrome’ to me. They’re hypercompetent, valuable tools at the disposal of their employers, but they’re also freaks of nature who act weird and are hated for the same thing that makes them so valuable. *gestures vaguely to my entire professional life in academia* Utility over ethics and dehumanization for a quality that is simultaneously repulsive and exploitable. Awfully familiar to how ‘low support/high functioning/etc.’ autistic individuals are expected to navigate an openly ableist social environment without accessibility or support options because they have one skill that’s ‘normal and good enough.’ for them to be ‘allowed’ into neurotypical society.

You could even go so far as to compare how Kirihara, who often misses social cues and is particularly blunt compared to the much more socially savvy characters around her, is autistic coded as well, which may contribute to her feelings on contractors by the end of S1.

I could probably talk about this forever and when I do my yearly rewatch this fall I’m sure I’ll have a dozen more examples and parallels to talk about but that’s my essay for today.

Love how Contractors are supposed to be emotional but they are shown to care for their team/partners

[freelancearsonist]

Imagine the Moon Boys/Poe with an s/o that has always been a bit different, but was just diagnosed with high-functional autism-- they can live normally, like Steven, but hyperfixates, infodumps, dislikes raised voices, has tics and stims, etc. <3

OMG NONNIE 🥺

i’m so glad you sent this because i’ve been thinking about this so much 🥺

like as someone on the spectrum i can be (or at least i feel like i am) REALLY annoying 😂 and i’m always very worried about how my favs would react to that 🥺

so steven honestly just ADORES you because you GET him y'know like your mannerisms are pretty similar to his and you never get annoyed at him for any of his quirks (and vice versa) and you’re just so in sync

marc masks a lot better but he still very much understanding 🥺 he thinks your tics are so cute and he starts to feel comfortable letting his own show through too

i don’t really know where mcu!jake falls on this spectrum yet but i have a feeling he’s pretty well masked as well??? he’s definitely very sweet and never makes fun of you, he’s very careful of raising his voice or doing anything that could trigger you in anyway. he’s very good at calming you down when you’re feeling hyper and helping you to focus 🥺

[system-of-a-feather]

As a fellow aspd tendency alter( if that makes any sense) how is your relationship with your fiancé? I want to get into a relationship, along with my systemmates but I’m afraid I’ll “mess it up” and a lot of people I see talk about how they would never want a relationship with someone with aspd And so it’s just difficult to see myself in a healthy relationship as a system and someone with aspd tendency’s so any advice you’d be willing to give?

It's... interesting to say the least. To be honest our fiance has thick skin and knows he can and when to call us - specifically me out. He's kinda my "safe" person who I respect enough to call me out when I'm on my bullshit and might not be aware since I'm extremely egosyntonic when I'm on my ""pisser"" as I call it; ie a high ASPD symptomatic flare up and so I don't really notice it until afterwards and I have to clean up my own mess; so I do appreciate him being able to - for a lack of better words - reality check and reflect on if what I want is what I want or me running off of my ASPD bullshit.

Largely my best attempt is to be straight up real from square one with how You Are™. It absolutely might scare / push some people away, but it also will function to remove people that either 1) do not have the "bandwidth" to work through the lows that are inevitable and 2) judgey assholes that would end up forcing you to repress your shit in ways that aren't productive, because at least in my experience, trying to hide the ASPD only makes it 50000x worse.

Cause you have to be a bit real, with any Cluster B (PD in general, but we have limited personal + second hand experience with others beyond OCPD and don't feel as confident talking about it), there will be lows and hard patches and for some, that fluctuation will be too much - an unfortunate but valid incompatibility to have. With that said, there are definitely people who can and are more than willing / capable to work with those so don't take that too discouraging. The only thing is that to avoid it being a shock or them finding out late in the relationship that you are "too much™", just be upfront about it and explain and try to be communicative to the best of your ability about how it works for you and generate a sense of rapport, trust, and understanding on how and where this comes from.

Our fiance already dealt with two other alters that have ASPD tendencies a bit before me and so when this system started dating hi he already had some experience with parts being *like that* but honestly when I came around I made our most antisocial parts look like they were Saint Teresa and he jokingly states that he "had to adapt to and accept that he was dating a would-be-terrorist" with how I talk, my impulses and my highly opinionated and extreme political takes.

I honestly also operate on a 0 masking policy with people I like and get along with cause I don't have the time or energy to be feigning shit with people I like, so I still do say and voice my fantasies / thoughts / impulses of some of the most batshit, asshole, low empathy, violent and arguably illegal bullshit; the key thing though is that he has built a large understanding on how the whole ASPD tendency stuff works for me as well as a trust / rapport with me that he can trust that it is very very unlikely that I will actually go about doing this because so long as I am "emotionally sober" and not on my "pisser", then I do very much value him and our system BEFORE any high that I could get from chaos, violence, or impulse that I have.

I think in a way he might actually find that almost endearing in nature from me but, thats beside the point.

TLDR, be honest with yourself, be honest with them, be transparent and self reflective about why and how your tendencies work and try to explain them if you can (or have another alter if you struggle and trust one with it) so that when things flare up they have the ground work to understand why you are the way you are and how to help you down regulate rather than escalate.

Cause personally for me, if I am denied the ability to self express in the slightest, I tend to rapidly escalate, so its very important for me - in close relationships - to be able to say things without them being taken too seriously because by saying shit, I DRASTICALLY reduce the likeliness Ill say it; plus it also comes with the benefit that he can pretty reliably know that I don't bullshit or lie to him, cause I don't hide my cards much at all.

You kinda just gotta find someone who has the right compatibility and bandwidth to deal with the highs and lows and personally just keep an eye out for yourself and be communicative about how you work to the best of your ability.

But also to answer the first question, I actually have a great relationship with our fiance. I think I worry him sometimes and stress him a bit with how I am, but nothing more than how other parts with their own issues do. We also have our own different form of romance and attachment / affection because I don't really experience love and attachment the same way others do (not sure if Id be counted aromantic, but my attachment methods are heavily broken and warped ngl) but that doesn't devalue or diminish the positivity and genuinity of our relationship.

-XIV

[recurring-polynya]

The shinigami buffoonery in the TYBW was unparalleled, and even though you know I love those idiot grim reapers with my whole chest, I general feel like they did not deserve the W on that one (the bit where they are told not to use their bankai and, like, five captains immediately use it???) However, my languishing-in-the-elementary-school-dropoff-line thought of the day is this: The Quincy really did snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by the very simple virtue of never making sure anyone is actually dead.

It’s pretty obvious to me, and makes sense in universe, that high-powered shinigami are really hard to kill. Shinigami have bodies, but they are mostly just there to make everyone feel better, they don’t function like our meathusks, filled with delicate systems of organs and...mucuses and stuff. Shinigami are an incomplete set of memories, bound together by a will to exist. If you wound a shinigami in a way that would definitely kill a human-- disemboweling them for example (a thing that definitely happened to Ichigo once), it will traumatize them for sure, but if they can make it through the initial wound trauma, their spirit (possibly their zanpakutou) will just start spackling their reishi back together. Consider, if you will, how much blood came out of Renji when he fought Byakuya.

I think Byakuya assumes he’s leaving Renji for dead here, given the whole speech about “your bankai has disappeared, you must be close to death” (and let us also consider-- Byakuya considers this to be the indicator that Renji is about to bite it, rather than the fact that most of Renji could be picked up with a mop at this point). Rikichi and Hanatarou come by, but you get the sense that they didn’t save Renji’s life, they just got him back into fighting shape. I’m not sure that if he had just lain there indefinitely, if he would have gotten well enough to get up, but I definitely feel like Renji is incapable of bleeding out. I think this is normally the sort of thing that separates a lieutenant from a captain (or at least a lieutenant with captain potential from, say Omaeda), but Renji is incredibly stubborn generally, and at this moment was incredibly driven to keep going in order to save Rukia.

To actually kill a shinigami, it seems like you have to either cut off or destroy their head, or cut them roughly in half. Even when Tousen gets stabbed through the brain, he is still able to chat a little bit before, um, exploding, for some reason, which is definitely not what would happen to a person who got stabbed through the brain. You can even cut a shinigami, like 65-35, and if the head is on the big half, they can probably survive that. This has happened to Hitsugaya, like 4 times, although I don’t remember which ones turned out to be illusions or in filler, or what, but I am pretty sure that there were at least twice. I mentioned earlier that a shinigami is a set of memories, but another way to think of that is that they are a self-concept. This is sort of a two-edged sword, in the sense that it is this identification with their physical corpus that can cause them to die if it gets hacked up too bad. Mayuri, who is able to think of himself as a big moving glob of reishi, might be nearly impossible to kill without literally, like, doing some sort of Quincy reishi absorption trick. He turned himself into a goo once. (Incidentally, I think Urahara is also very good at this, as evidenced by his bankai).

As far as I can think, the only shinigami we have ever seen succumb to their wounds is Gin, and this holds to my theory, too-- he’s spent over a century lying in wait to take Aizen down. He took his shot and it wasn’t enough. Then, Ichigo shows up, and Gin looks at him, says ‘I am no longer needed’ and dies.

So, back to the point!

The Quincy did a lot of property damage and killed a shit-ton of low-level shinigami. I’m sorry to them, but let’s face it, the low-level shinigami have never played... really... any significant role in Bleach. In terms of actually taking out people with enough power to be considered players:

Sasakibe is killed by a group of seven Quincy as a warning shot

Yhwach personally kills Yamamoto

Unohana lets herself get killed by Kenpachi because she very much wanted to be excluded from this narrative so he would get stronger (still not convinced this was necessary)

Nemu dies while fighting Pernida because she pushed herself past safe operational limits

Ukitake sacrifices himself to keep reality from collapsing

Yhwach and his best guys do manage to kill (temporarily) Squad 0 using a 1-time power-up that claimed the lives of most of the other Quincy forces. It is implied that it is not possible to kill Squad 0 permanently.

You might notice a pattern here, which is that the Quincy suck ass at killing shinigami. Furthermore, at one time or another, the Quincy KO’d a significant portion of the main cast: Kira, Byakuya, Renji, Rukia, Kenpachi, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto. Renji and Rukia interrupted Mask just as he finished taking down Kensei, Rose, Hisagi, Ikkaku and Yumichika, but Giselle gets ahold of Rose and Kensei later and zombifies them, which I am very distinctly not sure is a better strategy than just killing them (it certainly doesn’t pan out very successfully). There may have been some other of these fights that were interrupted, I am not going to re-read the whole TYBW arc for the purposes of this post. My point is, instead of spending one hundred billion Quincy dollars on developing bankai stealing abilities, I would have also given the Sternritter a PowerPoint presentation consisting of a single slide that just says “once they go down, make sure they’re dead.” Personally, I probably would have divided my forces into frontline fighters like Bazz and As Nodt and Bambi, and given them squads to follow along behind them, cutting off heads and incinerating bodies. Then again, Yhwach seemed to give exactly zero shits about personnel issues or strategy, generally.

Mostly, this war was a matter of Yhwach trying to do stuff and various shinigami preventing him from doing it. The TYBW arc is a mess and I am honestly not willing to put in the amount of effort to determine if there were actually any linchpin characters aside from, Ichigo, obviously, but I feel like if the Quincy had gone the extra 0.1% in that first invasion and actually finished off Byakuya, Rukia, Renji, and Kenpachi, they would have won the whole thing.

But they didn’t. lol.

[revenant-dumpster-fire]

Warm (Revenant x Reader)

Theme: Reader comforts Revenant after a somewhat brutal loss in a duos match as Revenant becomes concerned with his image.

Warnings: Mentions of mania, mentions of depression, mentions of suicide, threats of violence, graphically described violence, pain, sharp objects, borderline sexual fluff.

Reader's Notes: Revenant (Apex Legends) x Reader, reader is non-gendered in this chapter, this is getting romantic but hasn't crossed the line quite yet, reader will eventually have to be gendered (but I'll hold off as long as possible).

Writing Notes: Compliments give me fuel. Lot of development this chapter, more characters. I feel like this is increasingly revealing of who I am as a person, so I'm glad I'm anonymous.

Navigation:

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The Apex Games are brutal. It's a miracle these people can be suspended in death boxes and sewn or pieced back together after what happens to them. You've heard murmurs that some of the visual brutality is simulated by an AI for the cameras while the much less damaged person is imprisoned in a deathbox, but you are not so sure of that. It looks too real, and the Legends seem way too accustomed to pain and morbid destruction for it not to be. You are desensitized to a lot of gore and snuff yourself, but you've come to know the Legends just well enough to shudder when they are disemboweled in front of you. When you first started volunteering to help, you remembered being endlessly relieved the first time you saw them all return from the medical ward.

Even though you know they will likely be fine, you whimper as Bloodhound takes an apparently fatal blow from the favorites for this duos match: Loba and Bangalore. It isn't very often that random chance creates such an iconic duos pair, but it's happening today and the cameras are loving it. The cameras have been so fixated on these two that you haven't seen night or day out of Revenant. According to the trackers on the screen, Revenant is still in the game, but his teammate--Fuse--was knocked out of the match early on. Knowing those two, they likely agreed to drop hot--in an area with lots of combatants. While it's a good way to get kills, it's also an ideal way to get killed. From previous matches, you have the impression Revenant will drop hot if his teammate or teammates agree, but he won't do so otherwise. Fuse is absolutely the type to agree to dropping hot. You worry for Fuse even though you are certain he will be back tomorrow or soon thereafter, ready for more.

Loba and Bangalore have used their combined skills to gather long-range sniper weapons and considerable kills so far this match. Bangalore is able to use her abilities to create confusion and draw combatants out from cover, and Loba could create or close distances with her warp band while also gathering excessive amounts of high-level weaponry, mods, and armor to make them all the more terrifying. They pulled ahead early in the game, and now they feel unstoppable. The cameras watch as they run across Olympus' beautifully groomed grass towards the next team to victimize.

You feel like you're not doing what you should be doing. Did Revenant really just want you to watch the match today? Shouldn't you do something helpful?

You get yourself to the edge of the bed, hop up, and start to make it. It was so perfect when you hopped in yesterday, you want to try to make it equally as perfect. Your legs no longer hurt, and you feel well-rested despite Revenant's creepily watchful eyes. You take a deep breath, stretch backwards, and get to making the bed. You will have to go to your volunteer bunk and change soon. You wonder if you will have to move out of the volunteer area--even though it's small and cramped, it's been your home for a few years now. Your coworkers feel more like roommates, varying from cool but introverted to outgoing but overbearing. You like all of them, and you have the unusual standing as one of the longest-running volunteers, staying through off and on seasons to keep things functioning. You don't want to lose them, or the only home you've known for a few years.

Gunshots ring out on the television, Loba and Bangalore are taking shots at another team fight from afar. You see the symbol for Lifeline pop up as knocked, then eliminated. Caustic's name pops up next. Finally, Revenant came up as knocked, but not eliminated. You can't help but panic just a little, but Revenant apparently had a self-revive and is moving again, fleeing the area as Loba gives vicious chase trying to make up the distance from sniping. Revenant is in bad shape, he has been fighting solo for a while, and Loba knows he is practically a free kill at this point. You're afraid this is going to turn into another Loba versus Revenant fight, a favorite of the audience due to how ruthless they both are with each other. You don't like them fighting. You don't like seeing Loba be nearly beheaded or gutted, and you don't like seeing Revenant be slowly but surely tortured to death. There is no alternative ending with those two. It's always violent, and Revenant doesn't stand much of a chance at this rate. He clearly knows that.

You stare at the television breathlessly, trying to make the bed without looking away. Loba is hunting, and Revenant is unable to keep enough distance. In a last gambit, Revenant manages to break line of sight, launching his silencer into the doorway of a bunker and then intentionally running into the opposing bunker. Loba falls for it, as she makes an immediate path for the bunker with the silencer, opting to take the back door. It buys Revenant enough time to use a Pheonix Kit, a piece of equipment that restores his shields and health completely for a much fairer fight.

Hell is about to break loose.

You plop down on the bench having finished the bed, unable to look away. Loba and Revenant meet eyes from within each bunker through the small windows on each side. Loba looks infuriated at his newly rejuvenated state. Revenant's look is too intense to be smug, it truly is a mechanical malice undescribable by any other terminology. These two loathe each other. The spectators roar in excitement at another bloodbath between the lovely but deadly master thief and her mechanical antagonist, the commentators giving a short review of the last time these two met on the battlefield.

Revenant, now unafraid of the odds, immediately dashes to close the gap between their bunkers. Loba flings her warp band in his direction, landing behind him, and immediately getting two Mastiff slugs in his back. You cringe at the sight. Revenant turns to meet her fire with his Volt, but Bangalore's lobbed smokescreen fills the area before his shots meet. Bangalore had been lagging behind Loba, but she was close enough now to take shots again. You hear Loba's Mastiff take a number of more shots in the smokescreen, the Volt returning fire. Bangalore calls in her Rolling Thunder, cascading aerial bombardment all throughout the smokescreen. Revenant manages to break free of the now-fading smokescreen, trying to escape the explosives, but it was clearly Bangalore's intent for him to do so. With her well-equipped Longbow, she manages to snipe Revenant, knocking him to his knees.

Loba was soon looming over him, waiting for the camera to catch up. The crowd chants and screeches waiting for the gore. There are no microphones on the Legends themselves, but you can tell that Revenant is cursing her as she comes over to finish him. You wince, you don't want to watch this, but you feel you have to.

Loba kicks his head hard enough to knock out any human opponent, sending him to the ground. His mask is cracked open, revealing the copper lining underneath and the wiring for his optics. He stays grounded, glaring at her with an unspeakably vicious hatred. He faces his demise with just as much malice as he had moments earlier, perhaps even more. She goes in for a direct stomp, plunging the five-inch tall heel of her shoe into and through Revenant's left optic. You grimace at the horror of it, wanting to cover your face to escape the imagery. Revenant's body lurches backwards and writhes in pain, grabbing aimlessly at his face, screaming so loudly that the drone camera picks it up as his vocalizations crack and become inundated with static.

Revenant isn't eliminated. Revenant is treated differently than the human and more finite combatants. His deaths are of no consequence, so he isn't protected from them. He can just come back, over and over. So the cameras roll and he's left to suffer whenever it makes for better television. The most bloodthirsty fans have always loved this double-standard, but you are beginning to revile it more by the moment.

Loba spits on him, taking a moment to parade to the crowd her triumphant moment. Revenant's last remaining optic is dimming uncontrollably, but is still locked on her when she returns to finish the job. They lock eyes for a moment. You don't know the details--nobody does--but it's clear they have some kind of history where all the hatred stems from. Revenant looks away in acceptance of his defeat, and his neck is immediately clamped down on by her heels. With a single twist of her leg, the cracking noise of his head being forcibly freed from his torso rings out. You want to vomit.

Revenant is only now considered eliminated, his husk of a chassis lying nearly in two pieces, his head twisted perpendicular to his torso. The crowd is absolutely ablaze. Loba reaches down, tearing the scarf off his head and holding it triumphantly in the air, looking as if she just scalped her kill. Bangalore shies away from the cameras herself, she's clearly ready to move on. Loba revels in the violence, just like Revenant does, but there is something especially malicious between them.

You feel the nausea taking hold even stronger. Revenant is someone you know now. He's shown you kindness, and you've become very fond of him. You can't say you know him extremely well, granted, but well enough to feel empathy for his pain. Watching him essentially have his skull broken, eye gouged, and neck severed is a lot to take. You could literally see the excruciating pain in his body language when his eye was stomped out. They shouldn't allow it. The moment a human life is in danger they get deathboxed. Only now that Revenant's body is dead and vacated of all living code, as well as the audience thoroughly satiated, does Revenant's corpse get deathboxed. He managed to fight his team all the way to seventh place alone. Loba and Bangalore continue on, the cameras lovingly cataloging their sweep.

You get up and turn off the television, sheepishly use your new ID to leave the room, and head to the volunteer bunks. It's the middle of the day, so nobody is around. A note on your bunk reads "Worried about you! Let me know when you get back. -Sherry". You scribble back, "Sorry Sherry, had a special request I had to run, need to talk later. Text me." and place it on her bunk. Sherry is the de facto leader of the volunteers, here since day one of season one. You know each other well. She doesn't pry often, but disappearing for a night is really out of character for you, so you don't mind it this once. She will know if you're allowed to stay in the volunteer bunks or not. You gather your things, just in case, and haul them to Revenant's room. You only have a single duffel bag of clothes and toiletries to your name. It has been that way since you found yourself on the streets years ago. It's easy enough to carry, but some amount of sadness still lingers in you as you haul your only worldly possessions in a single bag. The Apex Games gives you year-round work in exchange for a place to live rent-free. The Legends who tip well basically keep you at a decent wage for the hours. So despite not having much to your name in terms of assets, you now have a bank account with enough value to move on if absolutely necessary.

You use the badge to open Revenant's door. It dings satisfactorily, and you dump your bag on the floor. You're not leaving the area until he's back. You already decided. You're in some stage of denial after watching him die, but simultaneously you cannot be in denial if he always comes back. You shake your head, the nausea fights for its throne in your gut. You grab a change of clothes out of the bag and head to the bathroom in the far left corner of the room.

As you enter, you see a mostly untouched bathroom, spare for a strangely out-of-place comb, shaving cream, an old-fashioned razor blade, and the mirror smeared opaque with dried suds--likely from the shaving cream. None of those items make sense. Not a single one. Why was the mirror so filthy? Why did a simulacrum have shaving or hair brushing tools? You consider that it might be a coping mechanism, but that doesn't explain the mirror. Whatever, you'll clean it in a second. No need to make a big deal out of it all.

Halfway through changing, you lose your battle with nausea. You don't have anything in your stomach, a fact you quickly realize as you lurch over the toilet. Just stomach acid. What a violent and terrible death. You know he feels just as a human does, it's not his fault he isn't as fragile. It's so unfair. You stand tall, having expelled the worst of it. You finish putting on your "I'm not feeling it" shirt, and make a quick orbit to the duffel and back, picking up your toothbrush, toothpaste, and mouthwash. You clean out your mouth thoroughly, trying to fight off the taste of acid.

You finish up, leaving your oral care items behind to take your dirty clothes to the laundry room and grab some mirror cleaning supplies while there. Since you know how to fully clean down a room, you figure it is within your ability to completely clean Revenant's room. Maybe Fuse's too, these cleans tend to be quick and efficient when you perform them.

• • • •

"Hey, oh my gosh, where were you last night?" The text comes in as you're hauling the cleaning supplies to Fuse's room. It's early afternoon, you'll be done with this before it even begins to get dark.

"Hey, sorry, I had a special request. I didn't mean to worry anyone. I'm cleaning Fuse's room now." You text back, hoping Sherry will meet you here and help wrap up even faster.

"OMW" The text comes in only moments after.

After a few minutes, you hear Fuse's door open. Sherry is a petite blonde woman in her early twenties. Despite her longer, curly hair, she is otherwise not too dissimilar looking from Wattson, her favorite Legend. They have a good relationship apparently, Wattson regularly jokingly adding "request for mon Sherry" to her requests, a play on "mon cherie" in French.

"I didn't see a request for Fuse to have his room cleaned, did you delete it from the system?" Sherry was always on-task.

"Oh, sorry, no, I kinda needed something to do." You look up from changing the bed sheets, "Do you mind giving me a hand?"

"Sure, but there are tons of requests you could have taken, why make one up?" She walks to the opposite side of the bed, nabs the sheet, and looks up, locking sights on your ID.

Her shock is immediate and silent. You notice that she has noticed.

"How did you get that..." She trails off, her head clearly running at max capacity with various theories.

"Revenant gave it to me." You answer blankly. "I don't know what to do."

Sherry stares, her expression becoming increasingly appalled and concerned.

"What... what happened last night? You didn't like... "earn" that, right? I mean, you didn't trade for it, did you?" Her expression grimaces further. "Does he even have the parts for that...?"

You suddenly realize what she's saying, and wave your hands to snap her attention.

"No! Nothing like that! He sees me so often he wanted a personal lackey instead." You see her expression soften for a moment before it snaps back.

"Then where were you last night?"

"Wha--?"

"You heard me, where were you then?"

You stare at the floor, unsure if you can lie so blatantly to her. She stares at you for a moment.

"One moment you're depressed, then next thing I know you're manic, then you disappear for a day and a half. Is this some kind of new suicide plot you have? Seduce a murder robot?" She seems genuinely worried.

"I promise it's not like that! I was exhausted! I accidentally fell asleep when I brought him water--"

"Why did nobody call the paramedics? If you passed out, you should have been given a health check! Why didn't that robot call anyone?" She genuinely cared about you, she was a good friend, through and through.

"Uh, well, I kinda slept in his bed."

Her face went from worry to one of shock and morbid concern. Her knees buckled for a moment and rectified themselves as she cartoon-ishly tried to process her thoughts.

"You see, I guess he's taken a liking to me, and he saw how tired I was, so--"

"So you slept with him just so you could get a break? You should have just asked for time off! You never take it! I would have given it to you!" She was clearly upset.

"It didn't happen like that!" She had a tendency to catastrophically think, so her mind was already five steps ahead of you in the worst possible timeline. If you could stop it now, hopefully it wouldn't continue.

"Wait, why are we changing Fuse's sheets? How many robots and people have you slept with?!" she dropped the sheets at a complete loss. Too late to stop her mental train, it was already off the rails and burning in a ditch.

"Sherry! Pay attention! I didn't do anything with anybody. I just passed out in Revenant's bed, and he decided not to kill me but promote me instead because he's Revenant and he does what he wants, even when it makes no sense to anybody. I didn't even see Fuse yesterday, I just figured I'd clean his room since both him and Revenant took a heck of a loss today." You didn't often get loud, so when you did it tended to garner attention.

Sherry sighed.

"Yeah, that sounds more like the truth than my insane theory." She rests her face in her palms for a moment. "So, uh, I guess you and Revenant are friends now?"

"Subordinate or lackey is probably a better term, but he actually is nice to me! Aside from all the threats..." You trail off, wondering if he means it or if he simply is keeping up his persona.

"Well, congratulations on becoming the homicidal robot's plaything?" She wasn't wrong. Actually, her term was probably more accurate. "Please don't get murdered. I didn't get you out of that homeless shelter just to deliver you into the hands of a bloodthirsty robot with a fascination for evisceration. I'll feel so bad if you die..." She trails off, catastrophic thoughts ablaze. "Just quit!" She perks up with her solution.

"He's not going to kill me, and if he does, it's not your fault. I'm choosing to do this."

She sighs, and starts making the bed with clean sheets, unsure of how to argue, or if the argument is worthwhile.

Sherry was the one you reached out to when you heard that you could work for the Apex Games in return for a bed, bathroom, food, and basic healthcare. She picked you up at the homeless shelter, and helped forge some fake credentials on your resumé at the time. She cleared you herself, pretending as if she never met you before and calling your previous "boss" who was actually just a very confused telemarketer, resulting in getting you the place and position you have now. You've always thought she's an upstanding person; her maternal instincts sometimes getting in the way of her letting people make their own choices freely though. She felt like an older sister to you.

"Please tell me you're at least getting paid. Without the tips from the other Legends, how are you going to keep saving up?" She asked weakly, finishing up by fluffing the pillows.

"Uh, well, I haven't asked yet... I actually meant to ask if I have a room still." You answered, a bit dumbfounded you hadn't considered that before.

"What?! Did you think this through at all?" She burst, but quickly softened, "Of course you still have a room, there should be a door in the back of every Legend's room with the same kind of bunks as we have. Those are for you special folks. It has a bathroom and everything."

"Ah, good, I kinda wish I could stay with you guys, but..."

"...but your new robot-boyfriend is calling you?" She breaks her melancholy with ruthless teasing, just like an older sister. "Yeah, I'll need the space for a new volunteer, definitely."

"I figured as much. Always running on short-handed here." You're a little relieved the choice is made for you.

"So, I'm guessing you now have all Revenant requests, now and forever?" She chuckles a bit. "You somehow take the biggest demotion and consider it a promotion. I can't believe you like dealing with that guy."

You banter back and fourth, finishing up Fuse's room. It'll be nice for him to come back to a clean room, especially considering how his match went that morning. Sherry promises to come around this part of the building more to keep an eye on you, swearing she will kick Revenant's ass if he does "whatever murder-bots do". You go your separate ways, laughing at each other's stupid quips.

• • • •

There is a door at the back of the room. Sherry was right. It is intentionally made to camouflage into the wall, as well as the scanner that opens it. You hold your ID up to it, hear the positive chirp, and the door slides open to reveal a nice small room and bathroom. It's a private bedroom embedded within Revenant's. The door now freely slides like a pocket door to open and close, apparently you only need to activate it once to get access. A nice little bed, a nice little dresser, and a nice little bathroom! It reminds you of a super tiny hotel room, everything is compact but still a notable step up from shared bunks. You breathe deeply, inhaling the smell of a fresh new room. You haul your duffel bag in and toss it into a little cubby under the mattress, and boom, you're moved in! So easy!

Revenant still isn't back yet though. You wonder how long it will take for his new chassis to activate and return here. You wish so badly to know how he is doing, but it is impossible to know. You grabbed some snacks from the kitchen alongside dinner with Sherry, so you have food to stress-binge on if necessary. You figure laying down for the night can't hurt. So you hit the lights in Revenant's room, leaving it to only be lit by the rising moonlight overhead through the skylight. You sneak into your little cubby of a room, flipping the lights off as you slide the door shut behind you. You don't have any skylight, in fact, your ceiling was about 6 feet or so shorter than his, making it much more average. Granted, his room is massive, but you are happy with your tiny private closet. It is so cool.

You fall back in the bed. Soft as can be. Same as his.

Sleep takes you very quickly.

• • • •

You wake up to an inhuman screeching. You jolt up, making yourself panic further as you check your surroundings and recall where you are. You're alone in the little bedroom, the screaming is from the other side of the door, in Revenant's main room. It echoes in a uncanny valley between human despair and mechanical detune. You leap out of bed and rush to open the door to see what is wrong.

The door slides open and you see Revenant, his mask and jaw tilting in opposite directions to replicate an open mouth, revealing a disturbingly black void where his mouth would be, no headscarf, howling in some kind of agony under the moonlight. It sounds so sad, so sorrowful. The pocket door clicks as it reaches its full open position, and Revenant's eyes lock on as soon as the sound is registered. His instincts are instantaneous. His howl slowly fades as he uses up what's left in his artificial lungs, his eyes never breaking from yours. The sorrow leaves him, his jaw slowly closes, and his stature returns for a moment.

"Are you okay?!" You ask him.

He hides is face and his body motions like a person who is sobbing for a few moments, but he doesn't. He couldn't even if he wanted. He regains himself quickly, walking up to you blankly.

"Hey, uh, are you oka--?"

"Keep me warm, skinsuit." His voice shakes as he pulls you into him in an embrace.

He is extremely cold, but his metal parts start to sap your body heat immediately. He is alive. He is new, but alive. You wrap your arms around his small abdomen, slipping under the pistons that hold up his large torso. You squeeze harder than you mean to, giving away that you are genuinely worried about him.

"I thought you left." He admits shakily, still not wholly able to hide his emotions. "I didn't..." He trails off. He places his hand on your head, messing with your hair a bit, until you gaze up at him. He looks down at you in the eye and you see something familiar. Disbelief. "You stayed."

You don't have words. Words mean nothing anyway in moments like this. You squeeze him tighter and he winces a little. You realize his abdomen is probably the least protected area of his body, and even you might be able to hurt him with the wrong touch. You lean forward and bury your face into it anyway, you're pretty sure you can feel a pouch through the leather skin that acts as a stomach receptacle, but you're not sure.

Revenant's body shakes a little like he cannot hold back tears, but as a simulacrum, he has none. You hear a sorrowful moan instead that is quickly stifled. Despite his persona, he has a very human personality.

"Come, keep me warm." He pulls you away for a moment so he can move again, then grabs your wrist and pulls you to the bed. The bed he never used. "It's easier with insulation." He rips the blanket off of it, wrapping it around you both in one sweeping movement, and sitting on the edge, pulling you down with him.

Your face flushes hot red. This is unlike him. He notices, and you swear you see a little bit of a pink glow on him too. He definitely had been flush during his stunt on live TV before joining the games. Insane to think they built that functionality into a mask. He grunts and breaks eye contact.

"Don't look at me like that, I'm just cold." He pulls you into his lap before you can say anything in response. "I have an easier time cooling down with fans than I do heating up. I'd have to run really stressful code to do that and using you is so much easier."

He redirects you to face away from him, and as soon as you do he sucks you in as close to him as you can. You're practically inside of his giant, looming frame. His breath rattles a little in his artificial lung pumps. His hands grapple around your hands while holding the blanket taut, holding them in balled fists and trading his cold for your heat. His vocalizer sounds as if it's giving a deep growl, closer to a purr, almost too soft to be heard, but not quite.

His new chassis smells a little more like plastics, metal shavings, and leather than the previous one, which had been muddled with the scent of dirt, grass, and polish. It's so cold, he must have only just made it inside. You wonder how far he had to run to get back here.

His head lowers to rest his face into your shoulder. You rest your head back on his. For a moment, this creature is just the same as you. Human.

He stays there, humming and purring and enjoying the moment. His body is no longer cold at all, he is now reflecting your heat back at you and feels warm himself. You carefully turn your head and push your face into the side of his mask where his ears would be. His head perks up a little for a moment, just long enough to catch his dumbfounded expression and pinkening cheekbones before his face retreats into your shoulder again. He squeezes you close, grappling your fists as if to never let go.

You sit there for a while, until finally you feel his cooling fans click to life. He lifts his head off your shoulder.

"Thank you." He says as he releases you. He looks away, clearly trying to hide from your gaze. You don't get up. You keep staring in his direction, hoping he will give in and turn to you. But you are both stubborn.

After a long while, you stand up in surrender, but place your hand on his unclothed head, petting it once, just for good measure. His hand rises to cover his face.

"Please go back to bed, I'm sorry for scaring you." He says in an abnormally low baritone, trying to hide himself further.

You surrender. It isn't worth prying away his façade when he isn't ready. He had already shown different colors than he did most of the time. This was scary, but in an unexplored territory sort of way. You weren't giving this exploration up after a single expedition. So it is best to rest up and not overextend.

You retreat into your little closet of a room, sliding the door gently shut. The moment it shuts completely, you hear Revenant move around rapidly. He's normally so silent. You recline into your bed, happy to be as warm as you are. You fall asleep almost instantly.

• • • •

You wake up, no idea what time it is. The room doesn't have a clock, maybe a bit of an oversight on the decorator's part. You get up, lurk over to the bathroom, and start performing your daily routine. Brush the teeth immediately, get the gross overnight flavor out of it. Strip and shower, thankfully there are already towels in the bathroom. Brush your hair while still damp after trying to get it as dry as possible with your towel. Deodorant. Grab your clothes. You put on something a bit nicer than yesterday. Finally, you're ready for whatever.

You waltz over, and knock on the door to make sure he won't be startled.

Instead, you hear a surprised grunt, scraping metal, and hushed curses against the door. You quickly go to open it, thinking he may be hurt, but the door is locked. You hesitate, dumbfounded. The Legends can lock people in like prisoners if they want to. Your attention snaps back as you hear the lock disengage, and the door flies open before you can move it. Revenant faces you, somehow looking a little disheveled.

"Were you outside my door the entire night...?" You ask, still fairly shocked.

"Doesn't matter." He absolutely was. He spoke hurriedly, potentially a little embarrassed. But he recovers his slow speaking pace quickly. "I should have just let myself in, I feel like I missed a great episode. Do you know what you said last night? Some pretty exciting gibberish."

"So you were against the door all night."

"Dammit, skinsuit!" He throws his arms up and turns away from you, towering over the doorway too short for him to enter comfortably. "You should have just slept out here. You know I get bored."

"I didn't think you wanted me to, you acted like you didn't."

"Well, I didn't really care!" He cared immensely, apparently. "I just needed something entertaining to keep my mind off yesterday." He crossed his arms, and began to meander over to the computer desk.

"I'm sorry, I wish you had told me."

"I was in a bad mood, just forget about it. It's fine." He tapped away at the computer, letting out a depressed sigh. "That scene from yesterday has all of Loba's fans riled up. They're posting it everywhere." He covers his face with his hands for a moment, motioning in embarrassment. "I can't believe I let that happen. I would have been better off letting Caustic gas me earlier."

"You were outnumbered, you did the best--"

"I'm getting my damn scarf back." He refused your comforting words, flinging himself to his feet and trudging out the door in a huff. You go to follow, but he whirls around, pointing straight to you, locking you in a glare. "You stay away from Loba, understand?"

He pauses, waiting to hear your reply.

"Uh, okay, I'll try to stay away from her."

While not an entirely satisfactory answer, Revenant whips back and disappears from sight. You sigh aloud. If those two have some kind of long-running hatred for each other, it would probably be best if you didn't get in the middle of it.

You peer over to the computer. He's right, Loba standing over his dead chassis holding up the scarf is everywhere. Loba fans are absolutely enamored by the triumphant image. Revenant fans openly mourn, swearing revenge. Loba and Bangalore apparently took the win, finally fighting down the second place team of Wattson and Rampart. Sherry will be miffed that Wattson had the spotlight and win taken from her. Although, now knowing you're on team Revenant, she probably will spare you any of her rants.

You stare at the image. It makes you overwhelmingly sad. Right before that snapshot was taken, Revenant was in unspeakable pain. The scream you heard on the broadcast echos in your head. It was one born of pain: strong, violent, and sharp until the static began to overwhelm it. The screeches you woke up to last night were not the same. They were mournful: hollow, airy, and almost melodic in their melancholy. Revenant can feel great pain, but clearly has some kind of appreciation for warmth and a kindly embrace. Why didn't others see that? Why does he have to suffer so much more, just because he is a simulacrum?

You close the browser. It messes with you. The imagery makes you upset. You feel you might vomit again if you're not careful.

You're snap back to attention at a commotion outside in the hallway. You peer out in the general direction of the other Legends' rooms.

"Fuck. You." Revenant's voice is so low it could rattle someone's bones. Fuse is standing in front of him, but Revenant is speaking beyond him to Loba, holding the scarf.

"It's my trophy. I'm a master thief, I don't just give things back." Loba proudly holds it in front of her face.

Fuse tries to keep Revenant at a fair distance from her, but Loba is standing her ground, completely unafraid.

"Woah now, come on, we don't need to settle this here and now." Fuse is attempting to keep the peace.

Revenant's growls can be heard from down the hallway, a number of volunteers have stopped to avoid getting too close, and a couple Legends are peering out their doors. The extra attention is displeasing to Revenant.

"Fine, but you will regret this." He starts to back off, prepared to fight another day, but Loba is relentless.

"Not if you want anything from me. Including that source code." Only now is she content to click her heels and turn away, Revenant suddenly looking like he lost the fight.

"Geeze, mate, do you really have to be so aggressive all the time?" Fuse gasps in a sigh of relief, addressing Revenant. "And I think I come on strong--you're a whole 'nother level!" He is already beaming a smile from under his moustache again, chuckling at his own joke.

Revenant shoots him a scowl for a moment, then turns back to you and begins to come back to the room, scarfless.

Fuse keeps pace with him as you retreat back inside, not sure if you should stay out of their way or not. You instinctively dive in behind the bed, staying low as not to be seen. You hear them come around the corner.

"Wait a minute, mate, I wanted to apologize." Revenant is already in the room, turning around to face Fuse who is standing in the doorway. You stay hidden behind the bed, nearly on the floor, listening in on their conversation. "That wasn't my best work out there yesterday. I feel like if I had been there, maybe you wouldn't have, uh..." He trailed off, his point was clear. "Listen, I'll talk to her, see if I can get 'yer scarf back. I don't want there to be any hard feelings."

Revenant's breathing pattern and low growl sounds like he is about to explode, and Fuse knows it too.

"Oh hey! They cleaned your room too!" His diffuses can be surprisingly effective. "Heh, I didn't even ask and apparently they decided to be like mum and make sure it got done whether I liked it or not."

Revenant hadn't actually noticed until now. He turns to look into the room. He peers across the way, seeing the bathroom mirror is reflective again.

"You're right." He sounds surprised. You swear you can hear another sigh of relief from Fuse now that the anger is gone.

"I was told it was that runner who seems to have a bit of a thing for 'ya did it. Seen 'em around lately?" Fuse asked. "I like to tip everyone, they do such a great job and they're not getting paid."

Revenant ignores him, walking into the middle of the room, peering around. To your recollection, he had never asked for his room to be cleaned as long as you have been volunteering. His room was very dusty. Now light is shining through all the windows, the television is clear, the bed sheets fresh, the carpet vacuumed...

"Yeah, where are they?" Revenant finally asks aloud. Is that your invitation to reveal yourself?

"Um, hi, sorry." You slowly pull yourself up from the floor, revealing your truly mediocre hiding spot.

Fuse gives a surprised stare, clearly catching a glimpse of your red badge, then laughs it off.

"You picked a cute one, didn't 'cha Rev?"

Revenant turns to face him in an absolute fury.

"Listen, I'm just telling ya to play nice." Revenant gets in Fuse's face immediately, but Fuse doesn't budge and meets him eye-to-eye for his next words. "You seem pretty defensive of 'em. Keep it that way."

Those words take Revenant aback just long enough for Fuse to break away and waltz up to you.

"Cheers, thanks for bein' my mum for me." He hands you enough money for a month of groceries, so generous!

"Thank you! That's very kind of you!" You chirp back, very happy to have more for your savings. Revenant seems shocked by the genuine joy in your voice.

As Fuse walks by Revenant to leave, you hear a short exchange:

"I'll try to get the scarf. Don't go killing anybody, and I didn't see anything out of the ordinary." Fuse murmurs.

"...thanks." Revenant sounds genuine.

Fuse gives him a side-hug on the way out, Revenant leaning away to escape it, but failing. Fuse laughs at Revenant's bashfulness. Getting a thanks from Revenant is a miracle unto itself, worthy of such a small celebration. Fuse is a genuinely good person. He is universally loved by the volunteers for his generosity and positivity. A lot of people have crushes on him, and you can understand why. One swift set of finger guns at each of you and Fuse is gone out the door, closing it behind himself.

"He's nice!" You say very matter-of-factly to Revenant.

"Sure, whatever you say, little skinsuit." He mumbles, seeming a bit exhausted by all the exchanges this morning. "What did he give you?"

"Money!" You hold out quite the wad of cash. Revenant chuckles a little under his breath at your happiness.

"What are you saving up for, anyway?"

"Well, for when this gig ends, I guess." You think aloud. "I just never want to be homeless again."

"Homeless?" Revenant looks at you with concern, "You were homeless before the Games?"

"Yeah, it's terrible out there..." You trail off your own words a bit sadly, but in seeing his concern for you, you decide to end on a high note. "With everything I save, I'll make sure I always have enough to live off of, and with the experience I'll have an easier time finding a job."

"Would it help if I paid you?" Revenant asks, plainly.

"Well, yes, but you don't need to."

"You should have told me." He almost whispers. He sounds a little sorrowful again.

You walk up and give him a quick hug.

"Sorry, I didn't know you would want to."

"If you keep getting too close to me, one of these days you're going to end up in a body bag." He sneers, trying to regain his vicious demeanor.

"Sorry, just keeping you warm, boss!" You play along, for now. You release him. "I have to actually get some food, go by the medical ward for some medicine, and then I need to leave the facility to pick up some new clothes. Do you need anything?"

Revenant stares for a moment.

"I'll be here when you return, bring me something alcoholic though." He answers, studying your eyes.

"Yes sir!" You rush out the door.

• • • •

When you return in the evening, you find Revenant's chassis laying like a corpse on the bed, his headscarf back on his head. His eyes are glowing dimly, staring at the ceiling with little interest.

"Oh hey." You address him.

"Oh, hey." He addresses you back, but slower. He keeps his eyes on the ceiling.

"You okay? You got your scarf back." You acknowledge, hoping he will perk up.

"Yeah." He sounds... depressed?

You put the bag of medicine on his computer desk, along with your bag of new clothes. You walk over with the remaining bag, which has the largest bottles of rum, whisky, and vodka the store sells. It is heavy and expensive, so you carefully place it on the end table next to his bed.

"I got you a ton of alcohol. It was kinda expensive, I'll probably need to be paid back." You carefully request, unsure how he will react. He gives you a thumbs up before his arm collapses onto the bed again. "What happened while I was gone?"

"Nothing much, I just got my scarf back." He sighs.

"Well, how did you get it?"

He moans audibly.

"Fuse got Mirage and Caustic to help him. Apparently it was an absolute mess. Mirage had to make tons of fakes to play keep away with my scarf, and Caustic gassed Loba's room with... zinc chlorides...? Something like that. It set off the fire alarms, everyone had to evacuate--"

"You didn't evacuate, did you?"

"Absolutely not. Anyways, in the chaos my scarf somehow ended up with Artur and Bloodhound."

"Oh geeze, what happened then?"

"They cleaned it, brought it to me, and gave it to me folded up neatly."

"Oh. Well... that last part isn't so bad."

"They were kind." His eyes tightened with discomfort, "And they left me with this." He holds up a single crow feather, perfectly dainty and undamaged.

"Aw, Artur!" You chirped; Artur was the sweetest bird you have met, not that you have met many.

Revenant sat up suddenly, his eyes getting bright again.

"Why would they do that?" He studied the feather in his hands, like he is completely bewildered with the concept of kindness. "They didn't owe me anything." He puts the feather down in front of him on the bed, pulling his hands up to hold his scarf in his grip on the two sides of his head. "They don't owe me this."

"Are you alright? You seem to not want to accept that Bloodhound is a nice person." You wanted to feed him the answer inside the question.

He stays silent for a while, taking the feather and handing it to you.

"Artur said this was for you, specifically."

"Wait, what do you me--"

"It's Bloodhound. It's in their name." He sighs, as you recognize concern in his tone, "They know who you are, they know you're here, and they recognized your scent on me." He lays down on his back, exasperated. "I can't let more people know." You hold Artur's feather, twirling it in your fingers. "They can't know. I am not like this." He seems genuinely upset.

"You seem cold." You prompted.

"I am very cold." He responds, overanalyzing each word for their deeper meaning.

"Do you want to be warm?" You put the feather down next to the bag of alcohol.

He pauses to sit back up before answering.

"Yes, but I can never let any of them know that." He answers plainly, but seriously.

You sit down next to him and are quickly grabbed and enveloped in his cold body, pulling you deeper onto the bed and directly under him. He almost instantly rests his head on your shoulder. His breath slows to a relaxed pace, rattling a little in his chest. His vocalizer hums at a low purr, and he moves his hands to feel your pulse, one at your chest and one to your jugular. He presses in, studying your inherent tick.

The television is on in front of you, but you haven't noticed it until now. The commentators are going over the edits of the "Loba the Scalper" image they found on social media, having nothing more important to talk about before the upcoming trios match. Revenant sighs a bit in your ear, still clearly bothered by his very public execution. You wrap your arms behind you to hug his waist. He holds you tighter for a moment, clearly understanding your intent is to comfort him.

You begin to massage the leather and the mechanisms underneath, unsure of how he will react; but he almost instantly squeezes you again, endorsing your idea. As you work into his back, his eyes dim and his breath quickens and deepens at strange intervals, relating to each long, deep stroke you perform. He slowly but surely relaxes his grip on you, potentially not realizing it. His mask digs into your shoulder, possibly trying to stifle his abnormal breathing. You keep at it for a few minutes, revelling in how sensitive his chassis is. Simulacrums were truly amazing.

Revenant's body melts under your touch, his chassis making odd movements clearly out of pure enjoyment. He's completely warm now, actually turning a bit hot as his code runs trying to keep up with your inputs. You worry that perhaps his circuits are being stressed too hard, but he also seems to be enjoying it so much.

He suddenly seems to shut down. His eyes go black, his weight falls on your shoulders, and his arms dislocate and slump out of his shoulder armor. You struggle to hold up his weight, his torso must be nearly two hundred pounds alone. No wonder he needs pistons to hold it up with his skinny waist.

He roars back to life, literally growling like a beast. His hands open and stretch like talons, the tips sharpening into claws. His legs cross in front of you, and his arms cross in front of you, and they pull you up against him in a nearly-crushing manner. His talons press into your flesh where they land, causing you a minor amount of pain. More concerningly, his jaw pulls open and he immediately goes as if to bite you, pushing your neck into the void of his mouth. He doesn't bite down though. His eyes are needle-thin, and brightened to a nearly red color. You gasp for breath in complete shock.

"You're mine!-Mine!-Mine!" His vocals are skipping as his hoarse, aggressive voice practically screams. "You belong to me!" He falls silent for a few moments. His shoulders refit themselves into their sockets as he slowly relaxes and retracts his claws from you. His softer voice returns. "Mine..." he calmly finishes. His jaw removes itself from your neck and closes. "I'm sorry. Emotions load faster than logic. It's hard to control myself after a reboot."

You had been holding your breath, and finally exhale and inhale, feeling faint with fear and deoxygenated blood. You slump back in his grip, putting your hands on your diaphragm to steady your breathing. You let yourself completely melt onto the bed, allowing yourself to look up at his face, gazing down at you.

"So, that's how you really feel then?" You pant, still catching your breath.

"Only a bit." He tries to comfort you, taking your hands in his. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to scare you. Being a simulacrum is complicated. Even more complicated if you don't learn humanity while you're still human." He looks away, apparently not necessarily sure what he is missing in himself. "But I cannot deny there is truth in that emotion."

"It sounds like 'if I can't have you, nobody can' isn't off the table yet." You are slowly catching your breath.

"I would be very upset. I don't handle being upset well." His words are foreboding, but you're unsure if he is uncertain himself or trying to hide the truth. You want to sleep; you feel like you're going to have a heart attack. He squeezes your hands, noticing your weariness. "Sleep out here tonight."

You give him a weak thumbs up, fully expecting to just sleep right where you are. Revenant releases your hands, throws a blanket over you, and pulls you by your torso into a better sleeping position, up against a pillow. You throw out another thumbs up in approval. He snickers in response.

"I'm getting drunk. So sick of today. I'm going to create a scene so gruesome next game that everyone forgets about this little fiasco." He grumbles. You hear him cork something as you drift to sleep. "Have a good night, little skinsuit." Sleep was taking you rapidly.

"Thank you for the warmth." is the last thing you hear.