#I dont really have much else to say for once
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dylric angst fanfic - part two
includes necro, noncon, hints of prey/predator, etc.
notes: rapist murder with a side of library necro suicide please! (yes so what if i used zero hour pictures for the banner…)
edit: ((if my phone corrects my shit one more time im gonna smash it…its SUPPOSED TO BE ZERO HOUR SMH…))
right to the end, just like a friend
i tried to warn you somehow
you had your way, now you must pay
im glad that youre sorry now
the hours had passed by quicker then dylan and eric could comprehend.
dylan had spent the whole night, sobbing into erics shoulder while he sat there and held him. it was the sweetest thing hes ever done for him.
until now.
they were dressed and ready to go. everything they needed to do was done, they were in their spots, and now all they had to do was wait for the bombs to go off in the cafeteria.
dylan stared at the building while everything was starting to hit him. this was really gonna happen, he was really gonna do this.
he was going to do this with his best friend and prove to everyone that they were gods - they decided who lived and who died for their mistakes.
he thinks to himself though that they shouldve gone off at this point.
he looked across the lot to eric, seeing him looking down at his watch and shaking his head. he looks up and then back down, cursing to himself.
he makes a quick move to grab the rest of what needed out of his car and dylan does as well once he sees it.
he had no idea what they were gonna do now - their plan revolved around the bombs, but as long as his friend had some semblance of a plan then he was fine with that.
eric walks his way over across the lot to dylan “cmon, vee, lets just get this over with - that freakin’ crap isnt gonna go off.” he was obviously annoyed, but he was gonna make the most out of this.
dylan nodded “yeah - yeah, alright.” is all he answered with before they both turned to head in.
-
they took care of everyone outside with ease, then dealt with everyone inside. it was going a little smoother then they expected it to, but it still had its faults.
they were split up for awhile too before they finally came back together and recuperated, ready for their next step.
however, dylan hadnt noticed any of the boys they were *really* after. they had taken care of who they wanted to except for them.
if they had stayed home today for whatever reason or had somehow escaped then this was totally ruined.
it made dylan nervous and frustrated - it made eric absolutely pissed.
he wasnt gonna go down without those fuckers going down with them - he promised dylan that it would be the last thing he does.
they walk through one of the hallways, glass cracking beneath their boots and blood making the floor slippery.
“have you seen them yet?” eric asked, looking over to dylan. he wasnt sure exactly what they looked like or who they were - he had a very vague idea, but it was hard to get any information from dylan about it.
the blonde shook his head “no, i havent. theyve gotta be around here somewhere - i thought i saw their cars in the lot.” he had remembered seeing the cars parked outside, but he couldve just been seeing things.
they both could tell how each other were feeling. eric could tell that dylan was on edge and was frustrated that he might not get to see them be taken down before his own death while dylan could tell that eric was pissed they were being pussies and not showing themselves - so much for being tough guys, huh?
“its fine, ill find them. dont worry,” eric reassured him, but paused “i promised you that.” he hesitated to say it and it came out all embarrassed, but it made dylan smile.
“thanks, reb.” he replied as they turned the corner.
the brunette was about to say something else, but as they rounded that corner they were face to face with who they were looking for.
there was four of them there. four muscular white guys who were jocks on the schools sports teams. they looked all tough and proud, but now they were about to be nothing.
they were trying to open one of the exit doors and as if it was some miracle from the god they didnt believe in, the door was jammed. it wouldnt open no matter how hard they tried.
it made eric snicker - natural selection, bitch, is what he thought.
the brunette looks to the other, seeing the blank look on his face and his stiff posture. that alone told him all he needed to know.
he walks right up ahead, checking his gun as he did so to make sure it was loaded.
“hey, assholes!,” he called over to them “turn around, let me get a good look at you!”
they each turn their heads, confused, but the confusion quickly turns to horror as they try harder to open the door.
“cmon, man, you dont gotta shoot us,” one of them speaks up, but he fails to sound manly and his voice shook “we didnt do shit to you!” he spat while his friends tried to tell him to lay off.
erics eyes narrowed, glaring while his finger hovered over the trigger “are you that retarded? didnt do anything?,” he laughed, turning his head to look at dylan who was a little further back “vodka, did these fags do something? or are we just making it up?��
dylan shakes his head as if to say they werent making it up. he swallowed hard.
“yeah? name one fuckin’ thing!” the other answered with quickly. he clearly wasnt too smart to be taunting like this.
dylan doesnt want to name anything. he doesnt want to describe what happened just for these sick fucks. he doesnt want to think about it more then he already has.
he hoped eric understood and he did.
he turned to look back at the other boys “you know what you did.” he hissed, respecting dylans obvious discomfort.
none of the boys say anything for a moment until one of them whispers something to the other.
“oh - oh, yeah! *you* guys!,” he laughed “i didnt do shit to *you*, harris, but maybe to that freak over there!,” he continued laughing as he pointed towards dylan - even his friends who were hesitant before seemed to giggle along with him “it was all just a joke, ya know, we didnt mean anything! way to get overdramatic like a girl!”
he just wouldnt shut up and even his friends joined in, saying snide remarks and insults.
the two of them just stared, listening to all of it. let them run their mouths and ruin this for themselves, they figured.
“youre such a pussy, klebold! making your little boyfriend fight for you? seriously? man up, shoot me like a fuckin’ man!”
that was it for eric. he raised his gun and pressed his finger down on the trigger - all hell broke loose again.
it was a symphony of screaming, bullets, and the click of his gun. it was music to his ears.
dylan on the other hand was in complete shock - like an animal almost. it was surreal to watch the boys who assaulted him be murdered right in front of him, especially by his best friend.
he didnt ever entertain thoughts like this, but, god was it hot.
he couldnt even think of a better way to say it - it was just *hot.*
eric looked so focused, so set on making sure each of them had enough lead put into them to last them their trip to hell. the way his shirt and pants clung to him - the sweat dripping down his forehead and arms - it was all so attractive.
he lets off the last couple of bullets, the hallway turning eerily quiet and peaceful besides the distant shrill of the fire alarm and police outside. they both stare at the mess of blood and bodies.
eric doesnt even realize when dylan finally walks up next to him, abruptly grabbing him by his face with both hands and placing his lips to his.
his eyes widened, completely caught off guard. he wasnt expecting anything like that at all - maybe just some shared words about how good it felt to do that, but not a kiss.
eric knew better, but it gave him a sick sense of power.
he just murdered his best friends rapists for him - it was almost like he owed him now.
he could be the hero and kill those guys, but that doesnt make him any better. he was a teenage boy with an obsession for power.
dylan pulled away less then a second later, clearly embarrassed “sorry, sorry,” it comes out quickly, ready to explain himself “you just - looked really good,” it comes out a little softer then he meant it to. theres a soft layer of blush that eric is just barely able to make out on his face “thank you, eric.”
they werent more then friends. thats what they thought, but there was always something - something between the two of them that extended far past the label of friendship. an underlying need.
even the events from the previous night theyd chalk up to close friendship, but it was more then that.
eric doesnt reply, but instead grabs the front of dylans shirt and pulls him back down, kissing him again.
the blonde is surprised, but he quickly reciprocates.
it was ironic how intimate this seemed considering their situation, but this was their last chance to ever do something like this. no one was here to judge them - it was just them and the end of their world.
they stay there like that without a care and its so oddly sweet, but erics own needs get the best of him.
he lets go of his friends shirt, but instead puts his hands on his hips - his nails dig in just the smallest bit.
however, dylan isnt a fan. it makes him a little uncomfortable - he was more then grateful for what he just did for him, but he wasnt trying to be like *that*.
he pulled away just a moment later, wiping away some of his spit with the back of his gloved hand.
the brunette is less then happy to have him pull away, but he doesnt say anything about it. he knew better - thats what he told himself.
“i think we should go.” the other broke their silence. the end was inevitable and they both knew it. they didnt want to say it outright, but they already knew what needed to be done.
“yeah,” eric answered back “im done with this crap anyway. we gave them what they were asking for - lets go.”
-
its a quiet walk down to the library aside from the occasional comment with laughter and the random firing of their guns.
they had did it - they accomplished the only goal they set out for themselves. they did what they had to do.
now it would be over - all the chaos and terror would come to an end and they would finally be set free from this hell they were born into.
now they were in the library, sitting on the floor together. they ran their plans over hundreds of times, but they never really seemed to go over this part.
they were both checking over their guns, making sure they were set and ready.
“we’re doing it together, right?” eric asked, earning a nod from dylan “yeah. should be easiest that way.”
the discussion of that stops there. there wasnt really much to be said. they were going to die no matter how they did it.
dylan goes to place the end of his gun to the roof of his mouth, but he paused, turning to his friend.
“thank you - you know, for everything,” the other turns his head as he speaks “you were a great friend, reb.” theres something so surreal about the way he says it - they never put any thought into what their last words would be, so for it to be something so genuine was odd.
the brunette smiled “yeah, you too, vee,” its so weird to hear anything nice come out of his mouth, but it happens anyway “guess we’ll see each other in hell, huh?” he laughed and so does the other. they could barely ever take themselves seriously.
“yeah, man. ill see you there.” he replied back through his laughing. it sounded like they were just joking around - like they hadnt just murdered people and were about to finish themselves.
the laughter dies down though, being their final sign to get things moving along.
dylan placed the gun where it needed to be, glancing over to eric as if to let him know he should do it too, which he does.
neither of them make a move - at least until the blonde turns his head away, finger over the trigger. his friend followed his actions, keeping a finger over the trigger as well.
only a moment later did eric hear the bang from the gun, followed by the thud of his friends body falling.
this was where he was supposed to pull the trigger - end whatever suffering he was supposedly going through, but something makes him hesitate.
he knows what hes supposed to do - he knows he shouldn’t look over and should just get this over with, but he cant help it when he pulls the gun away and looks over to dylan.
it was just about as graphic as he wouldve expected. his head was blown open and the blood was already making a mess on the floor - he noticed how some of the splatter even got on his arm.
it was definitely weird to see his friend that way, but he couldn’t seem to piece together any other emotions. it was just *weird.*
he looks away and puts the gun back to where it belongs. he had to get this over with and just be done with it - there was no other way out of it. however, again, something makes him hesitate.
thats until he hears what sounds like gagging and choking.
he moves the gun away again and looks back over, seeing now that dylan was choking on his own blood while his body seemed to twitch and convulse.
it was a bad shot - a terrible shot even. he shouldve aimed better, but eric couldnt look away.
he just stared and watched.
it was wrong - so, so wrong about what he thought of next. he still owed him - he owed him for killing those guys who had hurt him. he didnt want to be on the same level as those guys, but he was far past that now that hes killed their classmates and committed crimes of his own.
he quietly set his gun down on the floor, getting up and sitting right in between his thighs.
was he seriously going to do this? was he really going to be as sick and disgusting as those guys - if not worse? yes, he was.
he swallowed hard, reaching a hand up to unzip his pants and pull them down. hes greeted with pale, scarred skin and thin thighs. it was a little off putting - he wasnt a big fan of the scars, but he carried on anyway.
he knew he had to make this as quick as possible considering there probably wouldnt be a lot of time before the police arrived in the building. of course, he didnt know that it would take them as long as it really did, but he just had to make the assumption.
he quickly pulled down his boxers and barely gives himself a chance to look at him before he was already taking care of his own. he unzipped his pants and pulled his boxers down just enough to take his cock out.
it was kind of disgusting how hard he already was. who knew all this murder and gore would get him so worked up.
eric readjusted their position, fixing the position of dylans legs and body, which was hard to do because of all the involuntary movement.
any thoughts of morality were thrown out the window at this point - there was no time for him to think about how wrong this was. he just had to do it. it was owed to him.
he lines up with the other, forcing himself in with a hiss. it was a tight fit - he wasnt welcomed here and he never would be. the groan it pulled out from dylan only proved that further.
he pulls back out, pushing back in and trying to get a pace started. its slow and rather awkward - he had never had sex with anyone before so he really only knew how to do this because of porn - and even that wasnt a great reference material when dylan didnt have a cunt like the girls he watched.
the brunette tries to make it work though, biting down on his lip as he forced himself in as far as he could go.
he would be lying if he said it didnt feel good. it felt *amazing.* maybe the blonde really did feel that good or maybe the situation made it better. he had no idea and he would never know.
he holds onto his hips for more leverage, trying to build up a better, quicker pace. it works somewhat - his own precum starting to make the slide bearable and easy.
he pulled another noise from the boy on the floor once he started to go faster, listening to his continued gagging and groaning. it was like he was aware, but just not quite.
it didnt matter though, he was gonna finish one way or another.
shame starts to creep its way in, but he has to shove it down. he feels ashamed that hes doing this to his best friend whos about half dead on the floor - not to mention he was another guy. his first time shouldve been with some pretty girl he met, not with a guy he considered his best friend who was bleeding out onto the floor.
at the same time though theres something about that specific fact. something so primal about taking what was his - not having a care about what anyone would think of him for doing this. he was an animal, a predator taking what he needed from his prey - what he was owed and deserved.
the thought of that alone just about sends him over the edge - thrusting in particularly hard with a moan of his own. he does it again, followed by one more until hes finally spilling inside of him.
the twitch of dylans body and the gagging seems to stop as he did so.
he stays inside of him, not bothering to pull out. his whole body felt fuzzy and there was a sort of hazy feeling that hung over him. it was euphoric, really.
he has to pull out though against his own needs, looking over his work. he just about gets another erection when barely any of his cum leaks out.
he has to refrain himself though. he stuffs his own cock back into his boxers, fixing his pants and then turning his attention to his friend. he pulls up his pants and boxers too, fixing them and putting everything back into place.
eric wondered what the reports would say about this. what the autopsy report would say about the cum left inside of his friend and on his own dick - maybe theyd say he had raped him in death which wouldnt be wrong, or maybe theyd think it happened before - that dylan was some kind of faggot who willingly took it up the ass.
either way, it didnt matter.
eric wouldnt be around to see it and neither would dylan.
#tcc fandom#tcc tumblr#tccblr#tcctwt#tee cee cee#tccblur#teeceecee#dylan columbine#eric columbine#tcc columbine#columbine tcc#columbine 1999#dylric#dylan and eric#eric and dylan#anoufrievboy fanfics
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Dead Inside - Young Hunger
Thinking about this song and them.
#I don't know if this is cringe or not but I have no other way to convey this comparison#it's on my lockwood and co playlist#I dont really have much else to say for once#anyways#lockwood and co#lockwood & co#anthony lockwood#lucy carlyle#episode 7
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what is your favorite thing about charles and your favorite thing about erik? separately, as in what you like most about their characters :]
a devious question this one is, my friend!!! it's hard enough for me to explain my thoughts cohesively, but having to pick ONE thing i particularly love is difficult. with characters like charles and erik, theres been so much done with their characters over the decades and so they have so many components to them that make them so interesting and fun to observe. BUT I TRY FOR YOU TODAY. under the cut i kinda ramble and the size of this text box makin me anxious
i think if i were to be simple and broad, what i enjoy most about charles is his determination to help others, even if he isn't really thanked and/or if people don't even like him. ofc, this isn't to say he hasn't done wrong- to be honest, the fact he does wrong/questionable things at times is another aspect of him i really enjoy, maybe because- broadly speaking- he's meant to be altruistic (intent vs outcome and all that). i don't know if that's super exciting to most people, but it is for me
as for erik, my reason for liking him is easier to explain tbh. To Be Simple And Broad, his progression from villain to antihero over the decades has been fun to observe (as much as i have so far anyhow) and analyze. i think to be a bit more specific, him using his rage and pain as justifications for his villainous actions is definitely what compels me the most: hurt people hurt and the sort, an idea i've always found interesting (something something vicious cycles and the like). yet now, he recognizes this wasn't really. A Just Thing To Do and is beginning to change that, which i enjoy
#snap chats#may you forgive me anon i always feel awkward explaining things AVELKJEAKLJ#i feel esp awkward cause i haven't read toooo much of the comics yet- like ive read. an ok amount so far krakoa wise#can you guys tell im fighting god himself to Not write a fuckin. NOVEL#im so sorry i have an over-explaining problem my mom was mean to me growing up but anyways#i definitely want to read more and more outside krakoa. the more i read the more im fascinated by these two and their history#but to continue my prattling. as if the three paragraphs above arent enough This Is Not A Thesis RELAX#i think a. 'poignant' moment i think adds to what i like about charles too is that soliloquy where he recognizes people dont like him#yet he could always be worse- like if he's bad now to others imagine if he really just said Fuck It All#it's simple but so am i whaddyagonnadoboutit. i mean that point itself could be discussed but i'm trying to keep this brief bear with me#i so bad want to know what issue that's from tho all i know is that it's from krakoa but i neeeed the whole context#i think like. an additional bullet point to charles i also like is his loneliness#and i say this cause- I Say From My Amateur-Psychology Armchair- it's a component of why he's so earnest to help#but im keeping this point in the tags until i can confidently verify that with myself after some more reading#Unfortunately a favorite pass time of mine is psychoanalyzing characters like why else you think i major in psychology smh#im going to force myself to cap the post here because i ended up typing like 20 more tags just rambling#and as i said id like to keep this simple and clean !!!!! i have sat here for like four hours answering this ngl#ignore the fact half that time was spent getting distracted by solitaire and riffling cards ok I Am Very Easily Distracted#but fr when it comes to charles and erik- charles esp imo#i feel like i need to write a whole paper just so i can mention the nuances of the characters and like. EVERYTHING#because again six decades is A Lot of time for writing decisions to be made and for their characters to change over time#im a glazer but i wanna be a nuanced glazer yk. is that glazing at that point-- w/e anyway#its a lot. so today you will have to tolerate a very Blah answer from me which i must apologize for#down the line once ive read a comfortable amount more varying from multiple eras maybe ill revisit this question more in depth#as of right now tho .... chat i wanna get legion of x so bad i skimmed it and hhhhhhhhim gonna throw UP#i need to shake charles like a ragdoll BUT ANYWAY. bye bye for now lovelies !!!!!!!#please forgive me if i didnt answer your question efficiently ..#here i am saying i wanted to keep the tag count brief and yet !!! jesus christ. shut up My God I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT
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So like I'm still trying to process everything because mentally I'm like a week late from everything that's been happening so far.
I already made a post about Jaiden leaving the server but I think it's just kind of hitting me now that I'll never get to see qjaiden interact with Empanada or be part of the breakfast village or get an answer about her wings and connection to Cucurucho. And I'll probably watch old clips or vods and just feel really sad that it's over but so glad that it happened.
Because like, do y'all remember that one day before the ice chamber gang joined the server and Cellbit, Foolish, Bad, Jaiden, and I think Roier were just hanging out and spending time together until they got kicked out of the server.
I think the Jaidens' entire adventure is and will always be one of my favorite days too.
Oh! And of course, Festa Junina and Jaiden finding out about Cellbit and Roier and her comforting Roier and subtly threatening Cellbit for breaking his heart.
Not to mention she is literally the most iconic lawyer ever. Like juanaflippa's trial will always be one of the most iconic server moments because of Jaidens' speech. Literally blew everyone away.
And of course... I'll never forget the day Bobby died. That day, that trip to the dungeon is one of the only two times I cried for the lore of this server. Many things make me emotional but seeing qJaiden climb up on the tree alone, watching the sunset and grieving her dead son...fuck man, it felt so real...
There's just so many moments of qJaiden specifically from June to September, that just stick out to me and I'll always look back at them with a bittersweet fondness.
It's been so long since I properly thought about qJaiden, but now everything is coming back to me and man... I'm just...I guess I'm more happy that we got qJaiden and everything she did and was a part of is there to look back on.
For me, even though the qJaiden brainrot wasn't hitting as hard as it used to, I think she will always be a part of the narrative because there was just so many amazing moments with her and I will always be a fan of her lore and this character will always be close to my heart.
Sending nothing but love to Jaiden and the admins. Especially Jaiden. Thank you for letting us experience this wonderful journey <333
#qsmp#qsmp jaiden#jaiden animations#im saying this like a goodbye as if i dont watch her animations at least once a week#but yea its all really bittersweet right now#FUCK its hitting me just how much ill miss qjaiden Oh oh man...#but anyways if you see this feel free to talk about your favorite qJaiden moment/moments#i have so many that im remembering just now and oughhh im gonna start crying if i dont distract myself with smth else
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i drew this before i even played the game
#bg3#bg3 fanart#bg3 memes#astarion#i dont really have anything to say about this except i dont like his fangs being that way anymore and i dont draw them like that now#yew art#and also i like his dark eyelashes in canon so i dont draw his eyelashes like that anymore either#bc it points to his hair having been dark once. in my personal opinion. bc eyelashes grey like. way way way slower than head hair#for example my dad is fully grey on his head (and on most of his beard and eyebrow hair) but his eyelashes are still completely black#and researching it eyelashes Do grey much much slower than everything else#and with how long elves live it would make sense for that time to be way increased#ok i lied i did have a lot to say.
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i love the penumbra podcast and i love second citadel and i really enjoyed listening to the finale but i feel. weird about the way this show treats its female characters???
#as in... in a show that prides itself on defying gender boundaries and heteronormativity it still seems to frequently push its female and#genderfluid characters to the side? and ik it can't really be called bury your gays in a podcast where most of the characters are queer#(and i also do think it is important for a narrative to give character the endings that make sense rather than prioritising keeping alive#those who weren't meant to live past the end of the story so i'm not necessarily saying that it's sexist#or that caroline and quanyii should have lived for the mere fact of them being second citadel's only lesbian characters)#but it still does feel off somehow? i don't feel that it's easy to say that they were used as a vessel through which to keep the other#characters alive but i just ?????? i don't know if this is something that anyone else feels? i love tragedy in fiction but it just feels#as if this doesnt mean anything...i can see in part how their character arcs were complete but they deserved to have their happy ending and#rather than feeling the devastation of tragedy after having listened to this episode i only feel mild frustration that they weren't able to#live to see the world that they helped save? i think i will have to think of it as a once and future king thing where when olala rises so#too will caroline#i have had complicated feelings about this whole podcast for the last season or so but i can't tell if it is genuinely the podcast or if it#is just the fact that i dont need it as much as i used to and that my love for it hasnt lessened that instead my heart has just grown#bigger around it#so maybe im completely off base with this and that its just an extension of my weird feelings about almost all of season 5 in general but#hmm#also i did not care for caroline that much through the best part of this podcast so its not as though i am annoyed about her dying because#i loved her so much because honestly i didn't love her as much as i wanted to (or as much as i loved olala and quanyii and rilla)#and also!!! it was nice that they were able to be together and have closure!!!! i think it was well done in a general sense i just ???#i can't articulate it any clearer than this#second citadel#tpp#tpp spoilers#the penumbra podcast spoilers#the penumbra podcast
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this is one of my favorite theses in the inkworld each way it plays out is so!!
elinor's dad valued his books over her and her sisters to the point she internalizes it and becomes the same kind of hermit he was, before and after the folcharts come back into her life. basta was groomed into believing he was inherently unlovable except by capricorn so he'd do anything to keep that small remaining amount of love. brianna realizes if dustfinger wasn't dead then he had to have abandoned her, so the next person to give her their full attention? she'll throw away every other relationship she has for them, the same way she was thrown away. the verbal abuse violante endured as a kid (and currently, because 19 is still a kid) influenced the kind of mother she is and she doesn't even realize until it's almost too late that she's done to jacopo what the adder did to her! and I've already talked about the physical abuse from farid's birth family influencing how he forms severely anxious relationships.
and none of these are just character padding! all of these characters influence the plot so heavily by becoming traumatized and by working through it and I don't have any idea how she pulled it off
#okay maybe elinor didnt very much#im trying to be nice to her bc i dont like her at all lmao#this is not written half as well as i want it to be but ive been dwelling on it for two weeks and i cant think of how else to say it so#meggie's like the only significant kid who does not ever once think shes worthless#mo raised a mean child but he did not raise one with low self esteem lol good for her#i tried really hard not to lean into the daddy issues thing but terrible fathers is such a good theme#inkheart#says kenna#hey uhhhh how is it 2am#was gonna point out how lol jehan also doesnt have this prob but i remembered it's lowkey on my tcor wishlist for him#which#i should post my wishlist probably do yall have any interest in seeing that#i have Theories
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me: so yeah i feel super dizzy and lightheaded when i stand up and also just at random times of the day and also my heart just starts pounding randomly and it skips a beat randomly at least once a day and im also experiencing these other small things that i realized probably arent normal
the cardiologist: yeah, your heart’s beating too fast, but that’s just Normal Teenager Things™️! probably just like dehydration or something lol
#at least he sent me for blood tests and stuff#(which all came back normal)#and i have to wear a heart monitor for three days#my parents got mad at me because its been happening for a while and i didnt say anything#but in my defense i genuinely just didnt know that it wasnt normal#i thought that it just happened sometimes#also i didnt know the amount until i actually started to have to track it for the heart monitor#and maybe im not drinking Enough water but i genuinely dont think thats the main issue#i could be completely wrong but it feels like its more than that#we’ll see i guess#once im done with this and they get the results in and decide if they want to just brush it off or whatever#also had a nurse who was like weirdly insistent that i mustve been drinking a shit ton of soft drinks#just cause i mentioned that ill have a soft drink with meals sometimes (not nearly to the extent she was trying to say)#and she wouldnt believe me or my mom when we said that the soft drinks are pretty much always zero-sugar zero-caffeine#tachycardia#i mean thats what the doctor said it looks like#i dont really know what else to tag#chronic illness#maybe???#i dont know i dont have a diagnosis or anything so i dont wanna be like “oh thats def what that is”#also#pots#possibly#i did a shit ton of research on my own and i just really felt like what i was experiencing was lining up with it#but i dont wanna self diagnose
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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pokeani moments that exist purely to make Me miserable:
the line where they call ash's oshawott a throwaway pokemon in the unova league so they're just flat out saying they think it's a worthless pokemon
to thine own pokemon be true (extra angst points for me bc ambipom was my second favorite on the team at the time)
the granddaughter of the guy who trains gliscor calling gliscor pathetic and weak to her face despite gliscor being an extremely sensitive pokemon
pretty much everything about that gible
blue episode (favorite color but they made it a fetish somehow and also dewott and brionne and meowstic are all there and its so bad)
boxing heracross immediately. also that battle frontier episode where it's literally the only returning ash mon (barring torkoal i think but i dont count it bc its native to AG) to get humiliated onscreen
pidgeot returning but gliscor didn't even show up in the miniseries despite being an Actual Character
#sorry ik i keep bringing up the throwaway line but like. its SOOOOOOOOOO bad holy shit#the heracross one isnt aaaaaas bad tbf bc they really make up for it in the sinnoh league#but aside from one ep in the miniseries we never quite get an episode where oshawott proves itself in a battle#i still love that episode bc it still kinda feels like an apology for all the oshawott bashing in bw but i am a little :/#that battling didnt even come up once#ive kiiinda eased up on gliscors benching episode bc at the end of the day it isssss pretty good to her. also its the best animated one#but its treatment like what i mentioned that still really drags it down to me#and also like. i know ppl praise gliscor being so powerful after the episode but i really dont get why we couldnt have just#had a gliscor training arc onscreen. but ig we wouldnt have that stupid ass gible plot that went nowhere now would we#but like.... we had such a huge stretch between that episode and the league. i really dont get why we couldnt have had a mini arc#where gliscor realizes shes not pulling her weight that well and really starts hauling ass#she doesnt really even sweep in the paul fight. she gets beaten immediately by ninjask#the drapion part was awesome tho yayyyy#but my point is that it wouldnt really change much if gliscor just stayed and got stronger on its own#have the bench episode be a wake up call for gliscor rather than a goodbye one and she becomes super competent#like im not just saying this bc gliscor is my favorite character in the entire show. i feel like its straight up kinda lazy and less reward#rewarding#imagine how the drapion fight could be EVEN MORE cathartic if we saw gliscor struggle and fight to get better throughout the show#as much as i like that specific battle and ash vs paul as a whole... it just kinda proves my point that sending gliscor away at all#was kind of a shitty move#like ohhhhh ash's team is all getting revenge for lake acuity yay!!!!! oh one of them was kicked off for the sake of a shitty gible plot th#which really only served to make shitty piplup bashing jokes and only actually had a conclusion in the league itself#by which time it was too late to actually do anything else with it. yeah we kicked someone off for that. but shes back now!!!#like it doesnt weaken the battle THAT much. in fact theres some value in how ash went out of his way to make sure gliscor could be there#so her defeat could also be avenged. and its still my fave battle in the whole anime. but it just proves to me how pointless that was reall#echoed voice
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I know several people who like LOVE seasons 5-7 (11th doctors run) and think the storylines and moffats writing are brilliant and I don't get it!!! what am I missing??? why does literally every single episode have the exact same stakes: Rory/Amy/the doctor is dead. forever. so dead. but wait!!! what if they aren't!!! why do so many of the explanations for why they're not actually dead feel so rushed like they were added at the last minute!! why does every single queer character act kind of weird and awkward about being queer!! why does the doctor casually say that women are inferior when no one's around!!! what the fuck!! hello!!!
#why is rory continuously proving himself as the Only Man To Ever Exist only for the characters/narrative to continuously imply hes lesser#amy tries to kiss the doctor?? at her wedding??????#when amy is stuck for 36 years why is she like i forgot how much rory loved me?? GIRL HE WAITED 1000 YEARS FOR YOU???? WHAT????#he is CONSTANTLY the butt of the joke despite being unequivocally without a doubt the best character from this era#what the fuck was up with river being their kid#THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY???? WHAT?? THAT SHIT WAS WEIRD RIGHT???#does anyone else find it annoying that moffat changed the opening theme and the tardis and the sonic and the doctor ALLLL at once#and then retconned the entire storyline the early seasons are based off of??#WHY IS THE DOCTOR SO GODDAMN ANNOYING?? LIKE SO MUCH MORE ANNOYING THAN THE OTHERS#and fucking sexist!!! so sexist!!!#anyone remember the characters who were like 'were the short fat and tall skinny gay men why do we need names' LIKE HUH???????#gay people still have names steven 😭#i feel like im going insane bc i have no one else to talk to abt it until my partner catches up#but you guys still think these seasons kinda suck right? like coming off of martha and DONNA and her AMAZING storyline#these just kinda pale in comparison right??????#the last centurion is probably the last really good plot of that era imo. none of the other plots come close to having an ending that cool#like rivers story couldve been amazing and then it was just uh. kinda weird. a bit confusing IDK#i dont want to be a dick when talking to people and like shit on smth they love but i genuinely have a hard time#finding kind things to say abt a lot of this era#also and this might just be me but i do not like amy and clara v much 😭 theyre so fuckin mean and not even funny#why were martha donna and rose sooooo well written and they all have rich backstories. we know their fuckin families!!#literally its never even fully explained what the fuck happened to amys parents 😩😩 they just move on. the only friend of theirs#ever shown is fucking river??? as a kid??#am i the only one who found all thay confusing
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who up sinning their fest
#one of my worst recent hyperfixations i'll admit#and i dont even have an excuse like ohhh i used to read this back in the late 2000s before all the terf shit#no i got into it in late 2023 this school year cause i stumbled across the tvtropes page#and i was like 'sinfest'? isnt that the name of that terf Twitter comic? but the cover image showed a sick ass artstyle so i read it#and im just obsessed with it now its such a strange spectacle. its like a political cartoon and a newspaper comic at the same time#my fav era has gotta be late 2000s maybe early 2010s sinfest... hell maybe even mid 2010s sinfest if i ignore the sisterhood#now every strip is just about jewish people or calling trans women groomers#and almost every once-likable character is now canonically a terf and/or racist and/or antivaxxer etc#or theyre just not in the comic at all anymore like my dear criminy and fuschia#i hope we never get another appearance from them godbless#cause last time we saw criminy he was helping squig and slick break a terf out of she/her penitentiary. with fuschia's permission#theyre definitely the best part of 2010s sinfest. a bygone era#the best part of 2000s sinfest is the sharp artstyle and lil e just being evil#and the best part of 2020s sinfest seems to be. um. laughing at how ridiculous it is? its kind of hard to enjoy though.#i intend to stay updated on it because i like being able to say i've read all of sinfest start to finish#but man i gotta get an adblocker soon cause i read it on the official website cause idk how else to read it online and the ads are constant#really funny when ur reading a strip criticizing the prevalence of ads in our day to day life#not as funny when you remember tatsuya is probably making money off of them. so yeah im gonna install ublock#but the problem is i usually read it on my school computer to pass time. and that technically isnt my computer so i cant download ublock#anyways. i could ramble on about how much i love and hate and am obsessed w sinfest all day but heres some fanart of the characters.#id like to make my own headcanon version of sinfest aka sinfest if it was good#but headcanons arent enough... i need to kill tatsuya ishida#sinfest#squigley sinfest#monique sinfest#lil e sinfest#the devil sinfest#tangerine sinfest#images that are horrid to see and look at#mspaint
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#i will warn you only once: tsc spoilers#literally just finished it as i am drafting this its 5am where i live#so you may be subjected to some nonsense#that all being said i have thoughts.and feelings#the kevin was lovely and tasted delicious! jean defending him at every turn even when he swears to hell and back he'll kick his ass#the kevjean was surprising i was only half expecting that#the dog metaphors i have to say i need this one cashed in. nora run me my check#im joking of course dont quote me on it#jean taking kevins promise to the end and living on it is seriously so. well.#'be careful with him' 'take kevin's name out of your ignorant mouth' 'you promised me'#also kevin getting called the court's queen had me tender and on my back oml#jean's relationship with the trojans is sweet and he is very interesting and complicated#a character with many moving parts im sure#there were a few things i did not care for#namely jeremy and the trojans felt remarkably flat to me bar lucas (by far the most interesting) and catalina on occasion#i didnt quite enjoy jeremy's pov and felt like he spent perhaps way too much time worrying over jean? if that makes sense#i wish he had some more complexity to him or really anything to catch a hook on#all we know is hes attractive and smiley and gets along terribly with his family#so much of his character is sucked out by jean he didnt feel like much more than a plot device to me#which i wouldnt mind if jeremy wasnt the literal main character alongside jean#i was living for everything jean thought but had to drag myself through jeremy's pov if im honest#uuuuh what else. neil! funny. deranged. i have to love him#andrew couldnt give less of a fuck about jean which is funny as all fuck#two bugs placed in the same habitat ignoring each other#the thing with elodie i thought was complicated. i wish we knew some more about her or that shed been mentioned a little earlier#but im assuming thats a topic to be revisited#uuuuuuuh yeah so thats most of it. i think my first thought and the one that sticked out the most to me is that the book felt remarkably#pedestrian#not necessarily in a bad way#it lacked to me one of the main appeals of aftg which were the numerous interesting side characters
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had the most braindead repetitive conversation/argument with my parents. buzz cuts are too masculine but if you dye a design on it it become effeminate which is bad because then you look weak and if youre weak then society falls apart (all societies ever that have fallen apart for any reason are actually because of feminine men) and we start sacrificing babies. and also all mental illness is invented because only 4 people had anxiety in the 90s and covid was made up so that we would all become gay and trans and then the government can control us better and be joe biden's little sex slaves. and also i need to keep my hair long because my father finds it attractive. what
#lolaa.txt#what do i even tag this with . my mother wouldn't let me leave and i kept asking for sources and she kept saying 'i'm your mother!!!'#'i wouldnt lie to you!'#okay. say that to someone maybe who doesnt know you lie to them all the time.#its tiring going around in circles with her.my father is better because at least he admits when he doesnt have a reason for feeling some wa#also what got me. she said 'do you own research if you want!! but im right!!!'#yeahh not seeing anything about anything you just said. i think you made that up.#i have a theory that my mother secretly hates herself because she believes all women are weak and must serve strong men#and my father has so so much trauma and anxiety that he cant be that strong man#so now she feels like shes betraying her very biology when she has to step up.#and also because i am stronger than her now and my hair is long and far far denser than hers and i have a younger face#that she feels that im wasting my precious femininity that she could be using. does that make sense.#shes so miserable trapped in her idea of what makes a man and a woman what they are. once you stop caring about what makes someone somethin#you dont have to worry about anyone else.#im queer because i dont really feel that connection to biological and social ideas of gender that my parents seem to#never really have#im not gonna theorize 'ohh shed be happier nonbinary' or stuff like that because it is up to you and you alone to define who you are#if you spend your whole life trying to fit a box for the sake of fitting the box#then when would you have any space for self discovery#youve invented personality traits to go along with your box. now you can never ever change or grow as a person. congrats#and you know what? one day she will die. and that will be the end of that.#and i will live and i will probably shave my head a thousand times. and come up with new names#and new ways to be a better person that makes me feel happy#and i will dress like a boy because its all made up anyways. who cares.#and if you care? that much about what im wearing or how i look?#then thats your problem and i wont be responsible to maintain your happiness.#SORRY RANT OVER.#im just so flabbergasted. what a sad life someone can lead poisoned by jealously and reactive rhetoric.#tw homophobia#tw transphobes
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Any men out there wanna pretend to be my bf to get my parents off my case about marriage? I am so so serious right now.
#my mom gave me a really really lonf lecture and upset me because her and my dad want me to start thinking about settling down ans getting#married. again. cos this comes up all the time. ans I reiterated that i do wanna marry and have kids. i know im 26 years old why do they'#think im also not aware of this??? like i suddenly forgot my own age and have my head in the clouds all the time. and i got so heated cos i#said they only believe in that in theory. in reality neither of them have accepted the idea od my leaving home or the idea of mw being with#a man. and they start freaking out if they even find out i talk to them so to say they want me to get married is so fucking naive#ans when i mentioned this and that they're more than ok w mt brothers talking tp women she said that if i wanted to settle down she could#talk to dad and they could “go about finding someone for me” and I've never been so pissed#i got so upset. why does everyone keep saying this to me. as if anyone my dad knows could ever be a half decent man#and the truth is they don't care if im in a happy marriage they've accepted that i won't be they only care that im gone and saving face in#front of family. that's all. it's always reputation it's always “what will people say?”#not once did love come up. not once did shw even imply that i should marryfor love#or that they hope i love someone and marry them. because they're more happy with the idea of me marrying for the sake of it than#they are at the idea of me finding genuine lovw#im not a fucking broodmare im not here to push out babies for the sake od reputation.#and then i said nor being married isn't the end of the world and she said “it's important that you settle down”#and i said im unwavering in my principles. she can call mw high maintenance like she loves doing but I'm not wavering on the#kind of man i want to be with and when i do marry him i want it to bw genuine. because be loves me and vice versa not because im ticking off#somethin from a damn checklist to appease them. and if being unwavering on my principles means staying unmarried then so be it.#my obligations are to god and myself and that's it#and y'know what??? i am in love with a boy already#and yet they don't care that i wanna be in love at all. no im just a puppet to follow a certain narrative in life live according to evergone#else has and that's it.#im done.#and then she tried to apologise by getting me a slice of cake and that somehow made me feel worse.#i dont want an apology. i want to be heard and actually listened to for once. i want someone to ask what i want. to actually give a shit#and love me cos it's me. not cos im some thing to further an agenda. or some toy or puppet that does your bidding.#is it so much??? to just want to be loved in return? to marry and live according to how i want to?? ans not want anyone to make these#decision's for me?#ruined my whole day.
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Thing about small italian villages is that the didnt really have roads up until the 70's which of course leads to a massive amount of cousin marriage and inbreeding and while yes my particular own has its issues regarding that (3 major families (one of whom i am part of!!! Yay!!!) that all of the other families are related to, everyone there has bone/joint problems or some sort of schizofrenia) the neighboring one is worse as in they have one major family and the rest of the inhabitants are ppl who immigrated to have a quiet life in the mountain slopes and that by itself could be an extremely interesting study bcs everyone there kinda looks the same-ish and has a frankly insane amount of people with developmental disabilities for a population this small
#ok now that i have typed it out i realized it sounds mean and i want to earnestly say that i am not mocking them i just suck at tone#i do not think its something to be laughed at i just think the whole thing is uh. i wouldnt say tragic but really no one's fault#bcs again. if you live in the mountains where the main city is hard to reach bcs of poor road conditions#which leads to isolation and also extreme stigma against the village folk *of course* the village#will become more secluded and incestuous marriages will happen (aside from the obv economical factor#that a pre industrial reality would entrail)#its just. fascinating on a sociological and genetical level. esp since by when the roads were functional#and the village folk stigma had already gone away the whole 'we stay here we stay together we are better than anyone bcs they are envious#of us and we will continue inbreeding and any kids with severe disabilities born from it are actually Blessed because they are born from us#has already taken so much root it is now unlikely to be eradicated . the nature of italian villages is that every once in a while#someone reinvents blood purity and eugenetics lmao#anyways this whole incest thing is also the reason why i get frustrated about those books that have#the main characters go into small bigoted villages and either finding peace there or be horrified by its conservatives ideas#while never digging on the *why*. like yeah all this 'what happens in the village stays in the village and everyone else is an enemy'#but they never dig into why that mentality was born to begin with and how incest there#actively helps this mentality to continue on like you legit still have grandmas telling you to marry ur cousin#anw. i dont know what i was going for w this rant. it originated from knowing that my aunt turned local saint#was actually schizophrenic and was prone to paranoid attacks and mental breakdowns similar to mine#fun stuff!
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