#but in my defense i genuinely just didnt know that it wasnt normal

[sadkachow]

me: so yeah i feel super dizzy and lightheaded when i stand up and also just at random times of the day and also my heart just starts pounding randomly and it skips a beat randomly at least once a day and im also experiencing these other small things that i realized probably arent normal

the cardiologist: yeah, your heart’s beating too fast, but that’s just Normal Teenager Things™️! probably just like dehydration or something lol

[beetlebug-bii]

Part 3 of feral mc but with Belphie being released from the attic. Just imagine Belphie trying to kill mc and they just bite him. Not even Barbatos could handle the child so I highly doubt Belphie could either lol.

Feral Child Mc (part three)

MC Gets Betrayed & Bombastically Side Eyed Their Way To Beating A Bitch.

A/N: I like my writing to be nothing short of silly goofy, i also wrote this at like 4am two weeks ago and was so surprised to see it in my drafts. Did i proof read it? No.

Enjoy anyways💕

Now, you have been a menace since you've arrived

Only truly unstoppable by Diavolo, Lucifer and Barbatos on a good day

Today

Was not one of those days

No

Not at all

You see

Late in the night after being very snuggly tucked in

And then duck taped to the bed

And then your pajamas stapled to the bed

And then tied to the bed

In their defense

Not a single brother has gotten a single decent night of sleep

Not since Mammon awoke one night to see your little face peeking out from the vents

You screamed at him and launched from the darkness, stealing his sun glasses before scrumbling deep into the walls

no one has ever heard Mammon scream so loudly

Needless to say they were pretty fucking done with your scrumbling

Besides, they tied Satan to the bed and look at him! A totally chill and normal member of society :D

Anyways you were built different and managed to escape

You had to check on your little friend in the attic after all, it had been a few days

Upon going in, you glared at eachother for exactly three minutes and fourteen seconds

Before he started the whole sweet act on you

"Awh hey, you can let me out now right? You can do that? Whose a good little human?"

Offense taken

You werent a dog

though you wont lie and say you havent growled back at Cerberus before...

No you know what

Who does this man think he is?

You are a child with 6 of the deadliest pacts in the world!

...

...

...

Wait a second

Who thought that was a good idea

Genuinely

You are feral

A monster

The other students at RAD cower before you

You made the Angel's cry

YOU CHOKED BARBATOS WITH A SHOE LACE

WHO IN THE 7 CIRCLES OF HELL THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO MAKE A PACT WITH YOU OF ALL PEOPLE

well whatever it's not like this is gonna come back and bite you

But you werent gonna release the bitch from his kennel

Not without a price

Mammon would be so so proud of you!

It took a lot of back and forth, but he promised 12 firecrackers, a new plushie, and a trip to the candy store

Hell yea candy

Open up oh magic lock

Oh he fucking kicked you across the room

Well that's not fucking candy

Lying prick

So this fucking incel loser started ranting about something or other

To be honest you didnt care

In fact you decided he didnt get a monologue

You were pissed off

You freed him

Were you the embodiment of capitalism while doing so?

Maybe

But that doesnt mean he can just hit you

Like

You have such a cute face

He's just mad that you're the baby of the family now

And that thought gave you a great idea!!

"I'm telling Lucifer"

Would have been your final words

Had you not been

Well

You.

Next thing you know he's chasing you down the stairs, grabbing you and choking you out

Which

Not gonna lie

Was a bitch move

So you kicked him square in the jaw and started screaming, just like papa lucifer taught

Stranger danger kids

Dont release strange men from the attic in exchange for candy

It's not worth it and they are lying

So obviously you pissed off what's his name

You're pretty sure its bitch boy

Anyways so you pissed off bitch boy and he started trying to stab you with a chair leg

Which was like

So rude

And the others were like bro stop

Except more panicked you're pretty sure but you werent a crybaby bitch like this loser so you know

You had to go for the knees

You slid around him, kicked him in the back of the knees

This wasnt your first rodeo

Apparently

Because you climbed on the demonic cow and grabbed the horns man

You were holding on for dear life before you just bit into his head

Like

I dont think he even knew what to do at that point

You ruined his WHOLE SPEECH

THEN FOR SOME REASON YOU GOT MAD AT HIM

gee I wonder why

THEN HIS BROTHERS SHOWED UP

THIS WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE HOW IT WENT AT ALL

PRICK

Recounting this tale now, a few months later, you'd like to think that he was just being the most frfr brother out of everyone

You two had to be torn apart like a pair of summer popsicles

You were kicking and screaming

He was kicking and screaming

Mammon was kicking and screaming, somehow his leg got caught in between you two

It was a warzone

The hallway was destroyed

Multiple bedrooms? Just gone

The brothers?

So

So tired...

None of that fake shit

Deep down you know you would've won though

You still call him bitch boy💕

[ravenaveira]

Why are you "anti Karin" in general?, and so "pro" a manipulative, repulsive relationship like s/s?

Pfffft the fact that you would say that with a straight face in defense of KARIN of all people.

"Manipulative, repulsive relationship" you mean like this?

Wanting Jugo and Suigetsu to kill eachother so she can have Sasuke to herself, then being turned on by Sasuke's killing intent.

Hitting Suigetsu because he was about to reveal something she did to Sasuke in the past without his knowledge that she REALLY didnt want him to know. Even though we'll never know what it was, her reaction says enough that it was something Sasuke wouldnt like her for doing.

Stealing Sasuke's sweaty dirty clothes without his knowledge. She had this even before the sensory unit became an issue btw.

Being creepily turned on everytime shes bitten by him, any normal person would wince in pain at being bitten like this, not moaning in pleasure. Not kink shaming cuz I know masochism exists, just pointing out how weird af it is cuz Im pretty sure Kishimoto wasnt intending for her to be a masochist since she only finds pleasure in the biting, not pain in general.

Pretty much dehumanizing Karin, treating her as no more than a tool to find Danzo. To be fair Sasuke was awful to everyone atp, but yall try to act like one was better than the other [Karin or Naruto in other cases] this entire arc was to show how far into darkness Sasuke had fallen, remember that for my next points.

Sasuke literally telling her not to move so he could inflict a fatal would on Danzo through her and tells her shes a burden to him now for getting taken hostage. He does this not long after she had got drop kicked tryin to help him and then healing him while Danzo was down. As I stated above, Sasuke was awful to EVERYONE during this arc, but since yall like to use it against SS for why the relationship is toxic then I have to do the same for SK here, yall not special.

She begged Sasuke for help and he told her not to move and then betrayed her so he could fatally injure Danzo with the most sinister look on his face, that was beyond foul.

He was literally about to kill Karin who was a non threat to him, compared to Naruto and Sakura who were actively attcking/threatening him, Karin was on the ground bleeding out and he still was gonna go finish her off with zero hesitation. Atleast in Naruto and Sakura's case it was self defense, but for Karin it was just blatant cruelty, he told her not to move so he could get the killing blow on Danzo, said shes a burden for even getting taken hostage, now hes about to kill her cuz she 'knows too much', how any and I mean ANY of you excuse this but cant do the same for SS is beyond me. Sasuke was defending himself from Naruto and Sakura, but he was just being downright cruel to Karin unnessecarily. But you wanna talk about manipulative and repulsive.

Instantly forgiving him for his cruel treatment of her after a half hearted sorry and then creepily rubbin up against him. Its at this point I and many others lost all respect for Karin because not even Sakura was this pathetic when she first saw Sasuke after what he did to her in the previous arc.

Keep in mind shes inlove with him too, same as Karin, and did not act this pathetic. Even down to the apology Sakura wouldnt let him get off with just a 'sorry' but made him clearly say what he was sorry FOR and he apologized for everything he had done, thats way more sincere than just 'Im sorry Karin' while she's yelling at him to get her to shut up [which worked] compared to him apologizing voluntarily to Sakura who wasnt even asking for one but he did anyway because he genuinely felt remorse for what he did to her.

You dont even SEE what expression he has when he apologizes to Karin and the scene is used as comic relief, but Kishimoto shows Sasuke's sincere and remorseful expression as hes looking and apologizing to Sakura for what he's done and the scene is taken seriously, theres no jokes or weird creepy behavior, but a genuine heartfelt moment between the two.

She planned to make moves on an injured Sasuke while Suigetsu and Jugo were asleep. It dont take rocket science to know shes gonna make sexual advances at him based on her behavior up till this point and Suigetsu even implying she 'did' something to Sasuke in the past.

This is all self explanatory really, these are snippets from her databook which is canon content and consistent with her character. Her feelings are described as an obsession, dangerous, and that she keeps aiming to make him HERS. I dont think it gets any clearer than that why I wouldnt support someone like this.

Just a friendly reminder for all those who like to bring up Sakura being 'useless' and Sasuke feeling the same way well guess what? he's said the same about Karin too and that she was easily replacable, ironically by Sakura lol but he said there were other shinobi he could've picked just as good and way stronger too so, the only real reason he chose Karin was her tracking ability, he literally would've taken anyone else if not for that, and now that that ability is no longer needed neither is she.

No really he never uses her services again even when she comes back later to help in the war but he still gets help from Suigetsu and Jugo, she really was USELESS to him after this point lol speaking of the war though that brings up my next point.

In the middle of a war where the entire fate of the world is at stake, Karin says the most important thing right now is jumping Sasuke and licking him all over. Idgaf if you say this was just comic relief, this is consistent with her character so comic relief or not she REALLY thinks like this.

She stole his sweaty clothes, gets turned on when bitten by him, rubs up against him even while hes clearly uncomfortable, plans to make sexual advances at him while hes injured and the others are asleep, and your telling me this is just all comic relief and that she doesnt actually wanna do the things shes thinking of doing? fk outta here man.

Do I think Karin genuinely cared for Sasuke to some capacity? yes, do I think Sasuke cared for Karin to some capacity? yes, but that doesnt make their relationship any less disgusting or repulsive overall just because I believe there was some mutual care on both sides, that does not outweigh all the weirdo creepy behavior Karin has exhibited, nor does it outweigh Sasuke's total indifference and lack of remorse for anything he did to her even after coming to his senses and redeeming himself.

He never treated Karin as a friend, for a short time he viewed her as a comrade but afterwards he's never treated her as anything more than an acquaintance. Even though this is how he treated all of Taka really, Suigetsu and Jugo were atleast on the same wavelength Sasuke was, they wanted to help him of their own accord with no ulterior motives while Karin did aka 'making Sasuke hers'. Suigetsu and Jugo never asked for an apology nor expected one, they knew who Sasuke was and how he felt about em and accepted that, so as long as both sides are cool with the treatment then I cant condemn Sasuke for his actions if they themselves allow it and feel nothing about it, Suigetsu pretends he did but he still helped and followed him regardless even tho he no longer had anything to gain nor any reason to, even his reasoning that it was to 'split them up' Sasuke has always been indifferent to Karin from the start so there would've been nothing between them whether Suigetsu was there or not, it was all lies just to avoid saying he enjoyed Sasuke's company and actually had gotten attached to this little ragtag team.

Karin however did not accept it and was yelling at him about it until he gave her a half hearted sorry, then mentions multiple times when anyone confronts her about her feelings for Sasuke how 'he tried to kill her so how could possibly like him' which is a lie but the point is unlike Suigetsu and Jugo she actually DID feel some type of way about his betrayal and wanted to hold him accountable for it, so she WASNT ok with how he treated her and therefore I shouldnt be either.

But the main reason Im anti Karin is because of how creepy and perverted she is, I've felt no different about other perverted characters to this creepy an extent, the only reason yall shrug it off or say its just comedy is because its a girl towards a guy, but if Sasuke stole Karins sweaty shirt, did something to her in the past he punched Suigetsu to keep him from exposing, getting turned on and moaning everytime she bites him, wanting her to let two ppl die so it could just be the two of them, locking them in a room together and pressing up on her even while shes visibly and verbally uncomfortable, if he was plotting to make moves on injured Karin while the others are asleep, if he started rubbin up on her chest after he forgives her, if in the middle of the war hes thinking about wanting to jump and lick Karin all over.

I DARE you to try and tell me yall wouldnt want Sasuke's head on a stake for that, but since its a digusting creepy repulsive female towards a guy its all jokes and laughs. THATS why Im anti Karin in general, idc about her past, idc about how shes changed now, and idc about SPs made up filler about her past that contradicts what Kishimoto has written about her past because its not canon and has no basis in canon so why would I treat it like it is? even if it was it doesnt negate anything I've pointed out, nor does it excuse or justify her creepy behavior.

I support SS despite its flaws because there was mutual love and care on both sides, Sasuke was willing to die and lose out on getting his revenge, his lifes mission to save her, and Sakura was equally willing to sacrifice her life for his. He inspired her and made her want to be a better ninja, he made her understand her ignorance of what being an orphan is like which made her way more empathetic towards Naruto, Sasuke acknowledged and praised her strengths and encouraged her to get better, Sakura is the one who gave him both the push he needed to fight back against Orochimaru AND she's the one who made the curse mark rescind when Sasuke snapped, which btw he rampaged because of the state he saw Sakura in and wanted to avenge her, it was her [and Naruto] AGAIN that made Sasuke able to push back the curse mark during the chunin exams.

Sasuke had always acknowledged Sakura's feelings for him and responded to them while till this day he has never even acknowledged Karins weird obsession with him and always just brushed her off and told her to get back, but with Sakura he DID acknowledge her feelings, he never rejected her, but couldnt allow himself to accept those feelings because of the paths he chose to walk, the first one being avenging his clan and the second for him to create peace by ruling the world alone and severing all ties.

People like to use him saying 'she has no reason to love me and I have no reason to love her' as a rejection when it isnt when you look at the context of the scene.

Kakashi is standing up for Sakura telling him how much she only wanted to save him, SASUKE is the one who brings up romance but Kakashi shuts him down by saying you only need a reason to hate someone and that Sakura wasnt trying to make him hers but she just wanted to save him. Actually Ima just let Kakashi speak for himself.

I dont know how much clearer it needed to be than showing Sakura's sincere love for him reminding him of the sincere love he has for his family, he says perhaps those are ties to a failed past right after Kakashi says she's suffering from loving him, he immediately thinks of his family who he suffers from loving as well, he's literally acknowledging Sakura's feelings for him are genuine like Kakashi says but unfortunately nothing can be done about it, the same way his family is gone and he'll always suffer from loving them, is the same way things ever going back to the way they were with team 7 is gone and Sakura will always suffer from loving him as well, because he's decided to walk the lonely path again and cut all ties with them, with Naruto being the last.

After everything is resolved though and Sasuke is finally able to let go of all that hatred and accept Naruto's [and team 7s as a whole] love for him, we see Sasuke's true self and true feelings, and whats the first thing he does when he has this clarity? apologize to the one person he's hurt the most besides Naruto.

When he leaves to go on his redemption journey the only people he talks to before he leaves is team 7, Sakura asked to come with him but he told her he has nothing to do with her sins and to stay behind, which is true she didnt have anything to do with his sins so he really did have to take this trip alone for self reflection. But even though he turned her down from joining him, he promised to see her when he came back, which is a promise he obviously kept as he did come back and the two did travel together and somewhere in between got married and had their daughter Sarada at Karins hideout before coming back home to Konoha where Sasuke stayed for a short time before leaving alone again to go look into the other looming Otsutsuki threats.

Were there flaws with SS portrayal too? of course there was, every main ship got done dirty in one way or another cuz Kishimoto was just bad at writing their romances for some reason despite doing much better with other ships [MinaKushi, YahiKonan, DanTsuna] but thats not a flaw of the ships themselves as it is the writing for them. And no that doesnt excuse SK, because Kishimoto clearly intended for that to be weird, but he obviously meant for SS and NH to be viewed as sincere, he never took SK/Karin seriously and treated em as such, but he did SS/NH which is why you see their scenes are way more heartfelt with more effort put into it, was the execution always the best? hell no, but for what it was he still got the point across whether you disagree with how he handled certain things, myself included, or not.

SS is far from manipulative or repulsive, if your referring to anything from the novels I thought yall didnt consider the novels canon anyway? personally I rarely use the novels in arguments because theres so much debate in their validity, so personally I only acknowledge the novels that got official adaptions or snippets that have been referenced in canon material [like Sakura's childrens mental health clinic is implied in the anime, and Sasuke retsuden got an anime and manga adaption with Kishimoto's involved in the manga ver] these aspects I consider canon, anything else is debatable imo so I didnt use anything from them in any of my rebuttals, just official manga/databook content because thats whats the most explicitly canon by the creator himself. So if your talkin novel stuff I have nothing to do with that, I thought yall didnt consider it canon anyway, but if you do, then even in the novels shes not what you'd describe as manipulative and impulsive just because she isnt giving up on her feelings for Sasuke and will continue to pursue him? if Sasuke truly had no feelings for Sakura he would've made that explicitly clear, but he always left the door open for the possibility which is why Sakura never moved on while Karin did, cuz Sasuke made it clear his heart was with Sakura, not her.

So I'd love to know where you got manipulative and repulsive from because Sasuke's never been repulsed by Sakura, nor has Sakura ever tried to manipulate Sasuke or vice versa. If thats just your personal opinion thats fine, but you should atleast use the right labels to condemn SS with instead of ones that dont apply at all.

[munamania]

so right a couple of my film friends and i met last night to do wine and glee and i left and tried to catch a bus in our gross rainy cold weather and so when it finally comes im just like zoo wee mama my glasses r fogging up and all that shit. but who of course is on the bus but my one friend the main perpetrator of acting like im some flaky cunt (rant city below)

so i guess technically this wouldnt look great on my part bc i was obviously Somewhere and had been ignoring the group chat making plans but oh my GOD whatever who careessssss who Cares. so im like fucking phenomenal ok walk back Omg hi and she moves her shit so i can sit and i get settled and am like hey. and she asks what i was up to and ofc when i say anything bc this is fucking awkward shes just got this stupid smug little smile but i was just sitting there like bitch im not gonna sit here and act embarrassed for seeing my other friends so i was just like So are u guys doing x tn and shes like mhm yep are you coming and i was like well gee i dont know. sarcastic shrug. make conversation about the timing of the place for a second kinda jokin then awk silence

and so then because im a chill normal adult and am aware that shes about to go meet the group of friends and no matter what this interaction is going to be brought up and i had been planning on composing a levelheaded text but i just said Look im sorry that i ghosted you guys (and shes again smug smiling nodding next to me. girl.) i just honestly got tired of feeling like im being singled out and judged when i cant make it to something and she literally is just like Well im sorry you feel that way just u know we do try to come up w different days etc (if u like me are bad at reading between the lines this was a non apology and defense based on uh Nothing) and i was like right well ik last semester wasnt great it's just that sometimes i feel like im being shunned in the group chats when no one answers or reacts to anything i say and the other day when you said like. yk the 'could u commit' thing that felt really sort of condescending

and shes like again well im sorry u felt that way i was just trying to find another day that u could actually make it cause i wanted us all to be there so im not really sure how that came across as condescending but um yeah. and i, jackass that i am (<3) pulled out my phone and pointed and said Well u see we didnt have actual plans and in fact no one answered when i said anything abt it and yk things come up and so for me to have sent this whole nice thing and just get 'do you think youd be able to commit' in response felt a little bit needlessly mean (and i also tried to earnestly say at some point in all this that i genuinely do love and care for them and want to see them but yk this Sucks and was just bad timing)

THEN we somehow spin into her going Well i just had no idea this was even a thing until you brought it up just now i mean i wasnt even thinking abt it ive never really thought that of you etc and so then im sitting here feeling like im being gaslit in real time not to be dramatic and i felt very much like when i was in high school and people manipulated me bc i was a very easy target (its not that real but w/e) and so im like Ok be calm but dont just like let that slide cause girl be serious (prob should have but what ever) so i was like well you know i do apologize if i just couldnt tell your intent over text, but after you guys never answered me about hanging out and then the short responses like maybe u can kind of see where i felt like you were being rude (didnt say it quite that bluntly w/e)

and she pulls out the big card. the. well i just think youre being defensive. oh years and years of being the youngest and punished for um having feelings lmfao slammed me in my chest at that moment. and i calmly said Okay cool i think youre being defensive. and i lit missed my bus stop cause this driver was swerving so then i was just like Well you guys have fun maybe ill see you tonight bye. so. really feeling awesome abt the state of that. in all reality tho it's like i hung out w some friends and then went out to the gay bar w others and danced and etc and i can only imagine how much of a Thing this was for them so. if someone could win it'd be me right

(on another note at some point during this ride sams roommate requested to follow me back <3 which i had been pretending not to think abt for the last couple hours) anyway

this has been a post let me know if im being normalish

[treetownconfessions]

new-ish to the blog (been here about a month....,,) and i wanted to finally get this off my chest bc it was killing me. i'm queer as hell now but BACK THEN when i was 11-13 i was a cis boy who just liked reading comics and doing a jump everyday in hopes of becoming the tallest jumper in the world. and at the time i found out about happy tree friends and got into it very fast, both bc the gore and extremity was edgy and cool to me and because i genuinely liked the characters. i developed a crush on flippy, because, who didnt, and finding out a LOT of htf fans felt the same made me happy at first. but it became really clear nearly all the people who crushed and fangirled over him were girls irl and i felt like a weirdo about it because i was a BOY and i had a crush on flippy who was ALSO a boy. BUT seeing those same people ship flippy with other boy-characters in the show gave me massive mixed messages, because everyone seemed to love it when it was in-show only and i hadnt EVER met another boy online who had a crush on flippy so i wondered if it just wasnt allowed when it was outside of that, even though i wanted to express it with everyone else so bad. i couldnt go to my irl friends bc none of them were into htf and i was worried theyd think i was weird anyway. so my solution to keep crushing on flippy while still being normal to everyone else was making a htf oc that was quite literally a self-insert of myself, all the way down to the comics i liked irl, and shipped him with flippy. but i never told anyone it was my self-insert and just said it was an oc very unrelated to me and i wanted to keep it that way. i made horrible art of us and wrote equally horrible fanfic of this "oc" and flippy, bc i thought it was a genius solution to expressing my adoration for flippy whilst keeping the handful of followers and online friends i had satisfied bc it was boy x boy stuff. i never wrote/drew raunchy stuff about them bc as far as i can remember it was just shit like going on a date with flippy at the library or having picnics with him etc etc. but once i shared a recent fic with one of my online friends about them and at some point they went "you wrote it like an x reader so i thought it was self insert lol" and i was genuinely in shambles. i thought they were accusing me of having a crush on flippy myself and they were about to expose me or something (they didnt even know i was a boy irl so i dont know??) so i defensively told them it wasnt a self insert and i wasnt attracted to flippy in the slightest. but i was really rude about it and they replied saying they never said that, they never accused me of having a crush on flippy or anything like that and it was just a mistake. i dont remember the entirety of our messages but i remember getting so butthurt and angry i kept telling them to fuck off and that it wasnt a mistake on their end and they HAD to be accusing me of actually liking flippy. i blocked them and i cried so hard into my pillow i could barely breathe and i considered running away from home that day bc i was convinced that person was gonna tell everyone i liked flippy even though i was a boy and somehow get to my irl friends and family and i would be considered a freak for it forever. i stopped posting my art and fics of that "oc" and flippy after that and i didnt know how to delete my account at the time (it was on deviantart) so i just logged out and never touched it again. ive been thinking about it recently now as an adult and i forgot the password to that account so everything is still up and there hasnt been a new comment since 7 years ago but it keeps me up at night thinking about the person i cussed out and all the published stuff

[neoraso]

royal guard!minho

requested | some gender neutral hc for how he starts to wish he was maybe more than just a guard to you 

to put things lightly, minho was the ace of your entire guard

like he was better than anyone …at everything

so originally he was on (your father) the king’s immediate guard

he was nothing but professional and saved the king too many times to count even from like stepping on rocks idk 

when you turned like 17 and had to do more public appearances obv u were in a lot more danger so ur father jumped at having minho reassigned to u as the head of your personal guard “nothing but the best for his child”

the first time you met him… he only nodded or said yes or no to everything u asked him n ur jus like ok not much of a talker that’s not so bad ig haha ʕʘ‿ʘʔ

he was so quiet and “polite” for months despite you constantly trying to get something out of him

ur other guards always tried not to laugh bc if only u knew he had like two friends and was generally a pretty serious guy

but one day there was a festival in your kingdom’s central city so obv you had to make an appearance which u were very excited abt bc you only get to go into town like twice a year and THIS was one of those times

being “of age” and that much closer to taking the throne you might as well have painted a big red target on your head to signal people against the throne

everything was going fine, everyone was having fun and you decided to visit some of the booths and musicians around the square

minho was already suspicious of the situation and tightens the rest of your guard without u evenn rlly noticing but like

just as you turned to show these cute little candies to minho to maybe get a reaction for once -

the second he looks at you, someone moves to grab you but the flash of a knife in his other hand causes minho to jump immediately into action

honestly who knows what rlly happened minho moved so damn fast but the next thing you know, ur in the middle of your whole guard squad

looking through the gaps of their shoulders you see minho pinning down your assailant with a blade against his neck waiting for someone to arrest him even though he rlly wanted to just execute the guy right there 

the festivities were kind of killed for u after that bc you and your family were rushed back home which u might’ve been more sad abt if u werent in so much shock :<

obv minho was the one to escort you back but like all he said was “you’re okay?” and after u dumbly nodded with wide eyes he walked with you but kept a hand around your shoulder

no one really talked after that which wasn’t unusual for him but in his mind he was rlly like 

“?? ok i know its literally my job to protect this family but?? hm whyyyy do i seem to care sm more rnnn??//?” help him sdhskjd

u just looked so shaken up and disappointed and suddenly he was like damn </3 they rlly have no fun in their life and this one time they could was ruined :///

u had to stay inside for weeks after that bc it turns out there was a whole conspiracy to “eliminate” your family line so you waited in safety until the criminals were “taken care of” 

minho had everything triple checked around the castle for your safety and secretly made sure you had extra treats and warm drinks sent to your room sometimes with little notes that he had the cook pretend to have sent because lately he’d heard you had trouble sleeping sometimes he’s shy boy aw

he started to realize how much he had gotten used to your smile and your little jokes and the way you sometimes tripped on the corners of rugs. and he thought maybe it was a good thing you guys didnt have many interactions lately because he was way too attached

you on the other hand, couldnt even rlly complain about having to stay inside so much bc you had everything you needed and- you knew it was for ur safety but- it wassss kind of suffocating at times

u tried sneaking out at first ((just to the garden!!)) which obviously was a bad idea bc it’s impossible to get past minhos fcking hawk eyes lmao

he STILL didnt say anything like he would just follow right behind you

n like u kinda huffed but whatever honestly at least it was just him and not 15 other guards like everyone acted like you needed

plus it was somewhat comforting to have someone so solid around even if he never talked smh

one night you sat near the little pond and tried to calm your mind by watching how the moonlight rippled in the water

you can feel him behind you so u just turn around and look at him ignoring how he was already looking at you

 “would you at least sit with me?”

he kind of hesitates bc …what if someone tried to come up behind you? but with the sad look on your face he cant help but give in and sits on the stone bench at the opposite end of you

it becomes actually somewhat peaceful until you just decide to ask everything you’ve been wondering n u just blurt out-

“would it kill you to talk with me once in a while? i mean, talk like a normal person and not a machine? i dont bite i promise..”

he furrows his brow bc he’s shocked you cared at all and also he doesnt rlly know how to respond without being like “its not really in my job description to make conversation” but he honestly just thought you were being talkative out of niceties.

 before he could even form a sentence you continued,

“i mean- i’m always trying to get your attention. i dont get to meet many people for obvious reasons but my guards are the closest people to me-literally, and i dont want there to be a big gap between us just because of my status..”

he cuts you off before you ramble yourself to death 

“i didn’t know you were this troubled by it… i just take my job very seriously and i dont want to risk anyone’s safety for the sake of conversation”

u almost roll ur eyes but not wanting to be rude ur just like “even at home? i know you’re serious about your duties, believe me, i just… i get lonely.”

smthing inside him literally breakkkssss when you say that like u are such a pure and sweet person that deserves to have all the love and friends and fun in the world so he just gets quiet for a second and looks down

“im sorry.” he said it so softly you almost didnt hear him “i’ll be there for you more- if thats what you need. im essentially in charge of your safety and care and i’ll do anything to fulfill that responsibility.”

ok.

well this was good right? so why did you still feel unsatisfied?

“i dont want to just be a responsibility, cant we just be like friends? or…”

you cut yourself off before talking too much again

you had to admit to yourself you had developed a bit of a liking for minho, not just because he was probably the most handsome person in your kingdom, not even just because he saved your life, but he had really been a pillar of security in your life and you respected his loyalty and ambition.

he was more than admirable and everything you wanted as a standard for your kingdom

sometimes you let your mind wander to him getting on one knee and leading alongside you..

no, now youre getting sidetracked and delusional and he can practically hear the gears turning in your head so he stands up and reaches his hand out for you to grab 

“of course you’re more than a responsibility to me, come on, lets go inside it’s getting cold.’

taking his hand and realizing the conversation was over, you moved to link arms instead  as he walked you all the way to your bedroom door 

u slept a lot better that night 

from that point on you could not get rid of minho 

like everyone was borderline uncomfortable with how jarring his change in attitude was 

like he was constantly behind you looking right over your shoulder or grabbing your arm to stop you from bumping into things

even when he wasnt technically on duty he had taken it upon himself to give you little lessons in archery and even some defensive moves to help you protect yourself in case someone wasnt fast enough to help you 

your tried not to get flustered every time he adjusted your form and the way you could feel his breath behind your ear

or the head pats when he walked you to your room at night

or his hand on your back when you guys would take walks in the garden

honestly it did not take long until one night you were sat next to your pond and after some comfortable small talk you noticed how close his face was to yours

but he noticed you didn’t pull away even as he leaned in closer and finally just kissed you

when he pulled away and saw your eyes still closed and how soft you looked his heart almost exploded

“i didnt mean to make things weird i just,, couldnt help myself, sorry”

his rushed confession pulls you out of your daze and you’re so happy (a little shocked) but you’re quick to reassure him

“it’s ok, i’ve been wanting you to do that for a while …”

he’s jus like “rlly?😳”

obviously this complicates things a lot and you aren’t really sure if you would even be allowed to have a relationship with minho bc of ur position

or if he would get in trouble for breaking the rules of attachment to u

all of this is kind of racing thru both of ur minds as you look at each other but you laugh after u both start talking at the same time

you prod him to go first so he grabs your hands and says like

“look i care about you a lot, and i know we’re not really supposed to be doing this but if i can be by your side … beyond my duties…i would really love to. but if we can’t, i can survive with just being here to protect and serve you in anyway i can”

he’s so honest and genuine and earnest it shocked u a little

even tho you were uncertain abt the situation as well you knew you had grown a little too fond and dependent on minho that you would do anything to make it work

luckily an arranged marriage was not required for you so that wasnt really the issue, but falling in love with someone not at all royal..? it was a daunting thought how the idea would be perceived 

you wouldnt have said anything if you both weren’t completely sure of your feelings;  but you really could not imagine being content or safe spending your life with anyone else so you mustered up the courage to ask the king and queen…

when you brought it up to your parents they looked pretty concerned

minho went on the whole “i’ll do anything to protect them and this kingdom” speech and your father just waved him off and was like

“i know u would …. i’ll allow it because there’s really no one better to represent the kingdom and because i want only the best for my child ;)”

u and minho were literally in shock but just quietly said thank u and left the room

when you had privacy he immediately pulled you in for a kiss (maybe several all over ur face)

you had a lot to figure out and many responsibilities but now you had an amazing person by your side to help you through it :.) <3

[shhh-no-ones-home]

speechless chris motionless x reader

+++++++++

wow this is so long, oh well, lol

hes mad cute

song: addicted to love by robert palmer, covered by Florence and the machine

tag list: @thisplace-ishaunted @ryansitkowskiswifey @alilpunkrock @theoneandonlykymberlee

+++++++++

i watched chris nervously step closer to where ryan and i were standing. he had been acting a little weird lately and i couldnt quite figure out why. the last couple times we had talked he was fidgety and tripped over his words, which was weird for him. normally he was very intelligently spoken and moved with such swagger around people. almost like he was trying his hardest to impress everyone.

"hey ryan."

he said quickly. i frowned.

"im here too ya know."

he looked down at me and let out a nervous laugh, one that came out a little too loud.

"right, hi y/n."

i huffed out.

"hi chris. hows it going?"

"uhh..."

i raised a brow.

"ya know what, ive gotta go."

ryan and i exchanged glances as he quickly walked away from us, avoiding everyone's gaze and staring intently at the ground as he moved. i turned back to ryan.

"what the heck was that?"

he just shrugged at me and took another sip of his beer.

"beats me, ive never seen him like this before, even around like girls he likes. surely it couldnt be something like that."

i kicked the rocks under me haphazardly.

"what do you mean?"

he set his empty bottle on the ground.

"well normally when he likes a girl hes all like suave and shit, making jokes, getting her to laugh, small touches, flirty and shit. like theyve been best friends forever."

i raised a brow.

"but hes never acted like this. its almost like hes super nervous about something."

i crossed my arms over my chest and looked in the direction he had walked off in.

"hmm, maybe we'll just have to get to the bottom of this one then."

he laughed at me and nudged my arm.

"yeah, you have fun with that, i dont wanna be lumped into this one. i learned my lesson last time you tried to drag me into one of your crazy ideas."

i looked at him and frowned.

"it was not a crazy idea."

he sent me a look.

"yes it was, we were locked in the dressing room for almost an hour. no one could get us out and we were almost late to our own show."

i let out a nervous laugh.

"okay, youve got me there, i forgot about that one."

he patted my back lightly.

"yeah, ill see you later. try not to get yourself in too much trouble."

i watched as he started walking away from me towards the venue.

"ill try my hardest."

now i needed to come up with a plan. try and figure out why chris was acting all weird and shit. and i needed to do it fast, like before dinner. i walked quickly to the bus and went straight to my bunk. i scrolled through my phone for ideas, trying to brainstorm how to get him to talk to me. hell i was even looking at those stupid snap chat stories about how to tell if someone has a crush on you. nothing was helping though. then ricky walked to the back of the bus.

"rick!"

he jumped and clutched his chest.

"jesus christ y/n cant you give a dude a break every once in a while?"

i laughed a little and jumped down from my bunk.

"absolutely not, but i have a question."

he looked at me annoyed.

"what?"

"do you think chris has been acting weird?"

he raised a brow.

"not around me he hasnt. why did you say something to him?"

"well, no, thats why i was asking. everytime hes been near me for the last like week and a half hes been super nervous and cant talk right. its super weird for him to say the least."

he shrugged.

"i dont know, i havent noticed anything like that, you could go talk to him about it if you really wanna know whats up though."

i stroked my chin and thought.

"i guess youre right, given hell actually talk to me."

i looked up at him.

"thanks rick, ill see you at dinner."

i grabbed my jacket and made my way to the front of the bus and as soon as i was reaching for the door handle to leave it swung open and there was chris.

"oh, sorry y/n."

he stepped back to let me out, i reached for his hand before he could walk onto the bus after me though.

"hey, can i talk to you for a second?"

he looked worried.

"uh, what about?"

i sent him a look.

"just come here."

he hesitated.

"please?"

he sighed.

"okay."

i pulled him to follow me around the other side of the bus.

"chris is something wrong?"

he raised a brow.

"no?"

i crossed my arms over my chest.

"are you sure? cause youve been acting really weird lately."

he let out a nervous laugh.

"so you did notice."

"yes?"

i said hesitantly, dropping my arms.

"look, its nothing, just dont think about it."

i reached for his hand but he tried to pull away. i grabbed it anyways and sent him a look.

"dude, why are you so sweaty?"

he pulled his hand out of mine and shoved it in his pocket.

"look, just leave me alone, its nothing."

he pushed past me.

"chris you can talk to me!"

i called after him but he just kept walking. i stood their defeated for a second before something clicked. if he wasnt gonna talk to me then i was gonna get him to talk to someone else.

---

"dude are you alright?"

i heard aj say from the other side of the cracked door. chris just groaned.

"why does everyone think im not okay?"

"i dont know man, maybe cause youve been acting weird."

"i have not."

i pressed my back firmly against the wall and whispered "yes you have." to myself.

"come on man, somethings gotta be bothering you. is it y/n?"

"why the hell would it be y/n?"

he said defensively. so it was.

"so it is y/n."

aj said mater-of-factly. chris just sighed.

"can you keep a secret?"

i raised a brow, assuming aj just agreed with him but didnt say anything.

"she just does something to me. i didnt think about it before but she did, this thing, like two weeks ago and i cant stop thinking about it. and not to mention the endless flirting. its getting to me. bad. i think im in love."

my eyes went wide. i wish i knew what it was i did that drove him so mad.

"dude she flirts with every one, thats just how she is."

"i know aj but it was different. i see how she flirts with everyone else and it wasnt like that. it was nice, and genuine."

his voice dropped in volume. he seemed smitten.

"she makes me weak man, my hands get all sweaty and i cant think straight when shes around. i dont know what to do about it."

i breathed deeply and put my head in my hands. if only he would just ask me out.

"and what about the thing that she did? that started all of this?"

my head snapped up. god bless you aj for asking the important questions.

"yeah, i dont even really know what it was. it was just her, like actually her. her personality and the way she just moves. it was unlike anything ive ever seen before, like a curtain had just dropped."

fuck. i knew exactly what he was talking about. i had a tendency to make personalities for different people, act how they wanted me to act and cater to their personal needs. but when i was around him it felt like i didnt have to do that anymore. he dropped his facade for me and i kinda did the same back, we had gotten so much closer up until that point and he saw me for who i really was for the first time ever and that was rare.

"maybe you just like talk to her or something."

i laughed a little to myself that you could barely hear.

"how the hell am i gonna do that? i cant even get words out when shes in the same room as me."

i pushed off the wall and started pacing around the hallway.

"well come on then."

i froze and turned around, walking quickly to the door again. i watched it swing open and aj pulled chris out into the hall, the two of us running into each other.

"shit!"

i said as i fell into him and he tried to steady me.

"are you okay?"

aj laughed.

"look, its perfect timing."

i looked up at him as he winked at me and walked back into the room. chris let out a nervous laugh and scratched the back of his neck.

"sorry about that. uh can i talk to you y/n?"

i looked up at him and nodded.

"yeah, sure, whats up?"

he took my hand in his and walked a little further down the hall so we werent near the door anymore.

"you asked me earlier what was wrong and i told you nothing but i lied."

i inhaled deeply.

"okay?"

he held both my hands loosely.

"ive been acting weird because i dont know what to do with myself around you. you drive me crazy in such a good way and i cant think straight. my knees get weak, my hands get clamy, i cant eat, i cant breathe."

i pulled one hand out of his and put my finger to his lips to shush him.

"chris you dont have to do that."

he took my hand away from his face.

"but i do. i love you y/n and its killing me."

i bit my lip and just stared up at him. he squeezed my hands.

"please say something. reject me, gratify me, tell me im not crazy, just say something."

i reached up and grabbed his face, pulling him down to me and kissing him deeply. then i heard cheering from behind me and let him go to see who it was. it was aj. i turned back to chris and we both just laughed.

"that enough words for you?"

i asked as i felt a blush creeping its way up my face. he nodded.

"yes. god yes."

he pulled me closer to him and kissed me again. when we pulled away we just smiled at each other like idiots.

"y/n will you be my girlfriend?"

i smiled at him and nodded.

"id love to."

[opalgelance]

thoughts on steven universe future

td;lr overall opinion: steven universe future is better than most of the original steven universe, especially seasons 3-5, but there are still some real iffy plotlines in future

i hate that the diamonds were redeemed but at the same time, the happy clouds blue and yellow putting gems back together scenes were so pure

it simultaneously warms my heart and infuriates me 

but we finally got a blue diamond song, god i love her voice

EDIT: also steven basically tortured white diamond and nearly killed her and it was pretty disturbing bc steven is 1. in a really bad mental state, like way darker than i thought they’d show him go, since this is technically a kids show and 2. was also kind of trying to hurt himself, which both hit me really hard bc i had similar periods of blazing anger, wanting to self harm and harm others that i felt had wronged me when i was a teenager, but its also what white deserves

ncsndlljklkcndkls i want to enjoy this show so bad but,,, steven having ptsd makes him a violent douche??? diamonds killed who knows how many gems in their reign and never really felt bad about it in original su but now they’re supportive life coaches??? no thank you

on more positive notes, i loved how priyanka described mental health and how she treated steven throughout the entire check up, she was so nonconfrontational and whenever he felt stressed she deescalated the situation,,, it was so good

the animation is the best its been since season 2. the poses are clean, very well drawn, and on model. there are more action scenes than like 90% of steven universe and they’re animated way better, like theres actual fighting and motion asjksacbcbj no one is stiffly posed, no one has strange proportions, no one is drastically changing sizes in between shots (well besides steven in growing pains onward but when he does change size its supposed to be like that lol)

i liked seeing the real roses but didnt love it? i wish we saw more of the roses designs up close, and i wish they fit a little more with the other quartzes? it might be just because its era 3, but the roses were all way more unique than jaspers and amethysts generally seem to be. i like that they were more unique designs and had different personalities, but surely the diamonds wouldnt have tolerated that back in era 1 or even era 2, had the rose quartzes not been bubbled? also i get that they’re reminiscent of pink bc she created them, but hippie and superfan were so naive, more so than other quartzes. if each quartz group was slightly different, it would make a little more sense tbh like if quartzes were the entire gem army, but each group was slightly different. i always liked the idea that rose quartzes were either the defense or the healers of the gem army.

little homeschool and guidance were fun and genuinely enjoyable, considering not a whole ton happens in them. i wish townie episodes had been more like them. like you could replace the gems with random humans, but it would still be a fun episode? idk, maybe involving the humans in gem stuff wouldve made better townie episodes, like lars and the cool kids. it wouldve probably helped steven feel more “human” too, if the human and gem worlds collided a bit more in the series.

bluebird was... an ok episode, but im not sure how well it will fit into what i feel like the end will be, where every episode of future featured someone steven helped or affected in some way, and they all come together to help steven when he corrupts. or rather, i guess if bluebird did say something, it would feel more hollow bc steven didnt help them lol the gems and universes were just friendly to them, and thats it. it wasnt as bad as a very special episode (my least favorite episode of future), but it felt like a townie episode with no townies LOL at least we got a new fusion i guess

a very special episode was just,,, infuriating. there was that weird football scene where they just like,,, talk about screen resolution for a minute then play the full commercial for little homeworld we just saw last episode???? i did genuinely enjoy the rainbow scenes, but it just built up to not nothing. oh no, it was something alright. the whole episode was just future vision and then theres like a minute long psa??? it felt like that wacky randomness that would have happened in like, ok ko, teen titans go, or clarence jaskjcbkcjbskb

mr universe is tied with dear old dad episode as my least favorite greg episode. i get how both of them feel. greg wanted to tell steven about how he escaped from his miserable childhood and remade who he was, no longer a demayo but a universe. the problem imo was that greg became way too absorbed in the past. it reminds me a bit of s1 pearl, how she’d proudly recount gem battles and basked in the glory of fighting for their freedom, but she struggled when she had to recount the more unsavory parts of war. and that really affected amethyst, since she didnt fight in the glorified war pearl told her and steven about. amethyst was the byproduct of one of the bad parts of the war, and that became part of her identity, until on the run, where pearl finally realized that she needed to tell amethyst that she wasnt bad. amethyst’s creation may have fractionally hurt the earth, but that wasnt her fault. it wasnt her fault that she emerged too late to fight either. and it wasnt her fault that she existed. sounds familiar to to stevens rant in the van. 

steven didnt ask to be made. he didnt ask to be the half gem half human son of a diamond. but he grew up being told about how great his mom was, and that while no one would ever say it, she was gone because of him. to create steven, rose had to die. it was roses decision, but as the product of that decision, steven feels responsible. not only that, but being told constantly about his amazing mother, steven felt like he had to live up to her, had to be like her, had to replace her in the gems and greg’s lives. throughout the series, steven is constantly either trying to be like his mother, until he realizes its ok to be himself. but then the question is posed; is steven even himself? or is he still part of rose? and once he finds out that he’s steven, and has always been steven, he’s still reeling from the realization that his mother was pink diamond. and that really shows in future, where steven is becoming like pink. at first he doesnt even know, because besides the jungle moon dream, him and the audience never knew about this side of pink. this angry, short tempered, diamond who lashes out mostly physically. and unlike before, no one’s telling steven about pink (besides pink pearl) hes finding out firsthand, and this pink mode is basically being forced on him by his gem. steven has little to no control over this form. hes not trying to live up to his mother, or wondering if he is her, like before. now, he’s losing control to whatever programming is in his gem.

but back to mr universe. in the van, greg is going on and on about how lucky steven is, and how free steven is, but how can either of them compare their lives to each other? the similarities just arent there. steven is right, greg and pink were “raised” in very similar “households”. both had their wishes and desires suppressed by controlling, abusive parents. we know pink was abused mentally, verbally and physically (being physically dragged away from the screen by yellow in jungle moon, stevonnie being grabbed and thrown into the time out cell by yellow, when she still thought steven was pink), but greg at the very least was mentally assaulted. but they diverge from here. as greg said, he thought disco was back. rose started a war. you cant compare them any further. 

but at the same time, steven was raised completely differently. he was raised in a home with love and freedom, but he was also not given the opportunity to be a normal kid. theres a difference being forcing your kid to do something and not giving them the chance to try something. steven was never given the option to go to school (well in the comics he was but i guess thats not canon now since it seems like steven wishes he went to school?) he was never given the option to live in a house, or go to the mall with friends. the only other kids he knew were the boardwalk kids, but even then, he doesnt seem very close with them. for such an outgoing, friendly kid, steven wasnt given many opportunities to make friends. steven’s upbringing was very relaxed, yes, but it was too relaxed. he needed more structure, and more importantly, more humanity. i always thought it was weird, how little steven seems to have interacted with humans before connie, considering that his mother so desperately wanted steven to experience being human. yes the show is about gems, (and yes, i dont like most townie episodes), but steven was never shown doing a lot of “human” kid things inbetween episodes. the episode never started with him coming home from a friends house, he hardly ever spent time with friends other than connie in little scenes. like he was never called for a mission while playing cards with peedee, or coming home after an after school activity. any scenes like that were either just steven by himself, or with greg, and occasionally connie. but connie is a new addition to his life. how many years has he been doing fun stuff with only his dad for company, or by himself? yknow, “non traditional” childhoods and living situations are becoming more and more common in media, rather than the “two parents in a suburb house” thing, but steven’s life is beyond any unusual childhood any other kid would have. i mean he’s never even been to the doctor! which is probably for several reasons, like the fact that he apparently doesnt have a ssn, he can heal himself, has a damn gemstone in his stomach, and is half alien. but still, thats not something he has in common with other kids. no matter how much love and freedom he was given, steven was raised as an outcast.

i agree with the notion that both greg and steven were both right and wrong in mr universe. i guess they both have that in common with rose lol 

greg should have read the room better, realized that his pep talk wasnt the support and apology steven needed to hear. but steven shouldnt have acted out in the way he did. i get that’s the “theme” of steven’s spiral, maybe for the younger audience to better understand how steven is acting? but crashing his dad’s van that gregs been living in for like 20 years? fucking SHATTERING jasper? that’s going way too far to prove a point. it would have been better to maybe mirror story for steven, where marty and greg are arguing, marty is watching the road and they narrowly avoid hitting a car. but crashing the car could have been pretty serious, especially for greg. now jasper, that episode shouldnt have been approved. steven should not have shattered jasper. he fucking killed her. rose/pink didnt even shatter anyone. and if it wasnt for steven getting another superpower out of nowhere, jasper would have stayed that way. he should have just cracked her gem, poofing her in the process. the rest of the episode wouldve played out exactly the same.

anyways ive been writing this for like 2 hours but i feel better letting it all out. if you enjoy future keep enjoying it! it’s definitely more like a B+ compared to season 3-5′s general C-/D+. but please take into consideration future has some themes that people personally relate to, like mental health, and that you shouldnt shit on someone elses opinions that are based on their own personal experiences. especially if you dont have mental health issues, dont keep pushing your opinion and telling people that personally relate to future’s themes that they’re wrong? thats fucked up man

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

[considerdaydreaming]

Update

February 16th 2021.

First of all, I usually start with the time so it’s 22:18. Second, i still cannot beleive we are still in a pandemic.

It’s crazy because i looked back a bit and i saw about when I posted that it had been 46 days since the beginning of this mess and now it’s about to be a year since COVID hit in a couple weeks. I think we are trending in a good direction now because of the vaccine but it’s been a rollercoaster ride with good news one week then bad news the next, so I’m not holding my breath this time.

Anyways, back to the juicy stuff, of course your girl’s love life. I just wanted to take a moment to be honest with myself since it’s been a while since I took the time to sit down and really think about everything. So, here I go. Here is a real and true update from the oast year or so. Here is my story.

//// TW: SEXUAL ASSAULT ////

So I met this guy at my work that I REALLY was not interested in. I did not find him attractive and I was not emotionally available since my ex was a prick and he fucked me up big time. Anyways a colleague of mines had mentioned him to me a couple times but I had brushed it off because, once again, I was not interested. Anyways one day, another (different) colleague of mines and I were having a conversation and then he was on the other side of our cubicle and started asking us about our nationalities and we told him to guess and made a whole game about it. It was fun, not going to lie. So from there we started talking and we were just friends. This went on for a couple months or so until he started coming to see me everyday at my desk and I was like oh fuck oh no this guy is catching feels, you know? But i wasnt sure so i just continued to be chill because he was a chill guy but i just wasnt into relationships at that point in my life.

Anyways, the day rolls around where he finally asks me on a date and i was like nah fam im not down and i dont date my coworkers (BIG NO NO IN MY BOOK). So he was dissapointed but i knew he was not going to give up. But he was a chill guy so i didnt want to be a bitch to him just because i was broken. So I told him that i didnt know him well enough, which was true and maybe if i did then i would reconsider. So he really started putting more effort at that point, I think. I just remember seeing him more and more at work and i remember he used to put on so much perfume it would make me nauseous 😭😭😭 i was low key getting annoyed! But he was a nice guy and i didn’t get any creepy vibes from him and not gonna lie, there were a couple other guys that i was flirting with at the office and i kinda liked all of them for different reasons 😅 but i wasnt hiding anything from anyone and i was always honest so they low key knew what was up 😆 ANYWAYS i wasn’t shutting him down completely for some reason because there was just something about him that made me feel some type of way. You could say that I wanted to keep him in my arsenal 😂 anywho, i forgot what happened but i think one day i just said fuck it and i decided to accept his request to go on a date. The date itself went great and we talked a lot. We spoke about everything and nothing and we had a good time, even though we had a lot of differences, we also had the same point of view on a lot of things. At the end, i dropped him at the metro and tell me how this guy forced a kiss on me???? (That’s sexual assault no matter what you say, just to be clear) so after he kissed me he left and i was shook and i felt disgusted to be honest. I was shook because the date went so well up until that moment . Like that date wouldve been the best i had ever went on until that moment. I was devastated. Anyways I still did not cut him off, but I was very close. I think i was supposed to text him but i just didnt. I might’ve had another date that time as well or something, that period is a bit of a blur now. BUT i remember that i had to shake it off for some reason, so i did. The next time I saw him, i told him it was a no for me for all the reasons which were in the differences we had discussed and that he just didn’t fit the profile. I didn’t mention that what he did was very instrusive and assault because i didn’t want to have that conversation, it was just too much. So he was pretty defensive about that part and i figured he would just take the hit and move on. It took a while and then he finally did. We didnt speak for like 6 or 7 months and then we changed office locations and then on top of that, the pandemic hit so we were all sent to work from home and etc, etc. At some point, in Quebec, everything opened up a bit for the summer and so things were very briefly “back to normal” so we were allowed to return to the office on some days or some shit like that i dont remember .

We found ourselves in the office and we just so happened to cross paths again and he started to talk to me again and he told me to text him to continue the conversation because his break was done because he has been thinking about me and blah blah blah and i thought i had deleted his number, but it turns out i didnt but anyways the conversation we had following him thinking i deleted his number really made me laugh and it made me want to talk to him more. So Around may 2020 he reached out and we started to talk again and then he asked me out on a walk to talk some more. So i went and he was really adamant about finding out what went wrong between us because apparently this is something he was losing sleep over 😂 (now that i know him well enough i realize he is just dramatic 😂) so i told him what was up and how he sexually assaulted me by forcing himself on me by kissing me without my consent and when i tell you he was shook! We spoke about it some more and i explained to him how i felt and he explained to me how he felt and he apologized and when i saw his genuine regret, i knew that he was a good guy and i forgave him. He had a lot of explaining to do and a lot to do to make up for what he did. He did just that. We went on ther dates and spoke and got to know each other more and eventually we began dating.

Now that’s my boo bear and i know that this guy wouldn’t hurt a fly, he just daydreams a lot and sometimes he creates scenarios in his head that are not at all what reality is (pisces rising) 😂 a sensitive dreamer, although he will never admit it!

Anyways all this story to say that I really fell in love with this guy and im shooketh. Like I’m picturing spending the rest of my life with with and im seeing myself marrying him and having his kids????? After 7 months?????!!! Like that’s wild! Is it because of the saviour conplex? I dont know but he’s special that’s for sure. I’ve never been loved the way he loves me and I’ve never been treated the way he treats me. I never have to ask for something twice. Even if he doesn’t want to do it, he will do it for me. He deals with my moodiness and puts me in my place when I’m being disrespectful. He isn’t afraid to tell me like it is and tell me when im wrong. Like he is really everything i wanted. I think i can trust him but im still recovering and working on that and he knows and doesn’t judge me or rush me. He is just always there, like my anchor, like my home base. He gives me the time and space i need and he is always there when i need him close. Always waiting and always trying to understand me rather than attack or criticize me. I love him, i love him, i love him. Sometimes, i wonder if i really deserve this type of love. Sometimes when i say things i don’t mean, he hugs me and gives me love instead of raising his hand or yelling or breaking things, which i realize , i had normalized in past relationships. The way he loves me is pure and genuine and i feel so comfortable around him, as if I knew him in another life. I was really broken when i met him and i honestly feel like he found some of the pieces that i was missing and helped me glue them back together. I really thought i had lost those pieces for good but they just needed to be found again by anither pair of eyes. Dont get it twisted though, i did most of the picking up and gluing but the found some really important pieces, not gonna lie.

All this to say that i healed, I thought about myself and got to know myself then i found a true and genuine love that is so different from what i have ever experienced and im here for it. I dont know what else is to come, but maybe the next time I write, i might just be wife 😌

Until next time,

Jo

[disorganisedpilot]

captains log

this ones going under a cut for weight discussion including numbers pls be careful folks <3

got woken up by my dog lying on me at 7am im <333

i ate 3 whole croissants for breakfast lmaoooo. with orange juice and 2 cups of coffee and lots of raspberry jam <3

i weighed myself for the first time since september and ive dropped literally almost two whole stone. this is fucked. i didnt mean to lose weight at all, i was already severely underweight when i weighed myself in september. but my mental health has rlly done a number on me this past few months and i stopped eating for a while and even when i started again i didnt eat much or frequently n ive had some Issues around eating. mostly executive dysfunction stuff but also some weird like. paranoia ig or intrusive thought idk what to call it where i was convinced that what i was eating was actually smth else in disguise or that there was smth really fucked up about it . one time i tried to eat an egg but i was convinced there was like a dead chick in the yolk and there were some lil bits in it and i was convinced they were its mangled up bones. also dont @ me i know thats physically impossible on so many levels but my brain hasnt met a rational thought in weeks. i did end up eating the egg anyway tho i managed to talk myself down from it with Science(TM). but id cooked another egg then and i threw the other one out bc i convinced myself it wasnt fully cooked when it almost certainly was.

i love that i can eat mangled chick egg but not *slightly* raw egg god my brain is so funny. it turned out what i thought was mangled chick corpse was a bit of bread that had fallen into the egg. literally if i dont laugh at my stupid issues i die but genuinely this is so funny to me now. like . elwood... cool ur boots . its a bit of  fuckin toast. u put it there urself u stupid bitch

so yea anyway im now like. 2 stone past ‘severely underweight’. yikes. hopefully being home and having osmeone else cooking will help me get it up a bit more

it was nice sleepign at a normal time last night but once again its 02:51 i hate this why am i like this

had some issues w my fam today. im too tired to talk abt it . safe to say being home is exhausting and im really feeling the whole. ‘u cant recover from trauma until ur free of the situation’. most of the things therapists have told me to do to help my cptsd symptoms are things that in these kinds of situations would put me in More danger. realising that in these situations my cptsd symptoms arent symptoms. theyre self defense and they serve a valid person

reason? not person. ffs

had a BLT for lunch

went outside n exercised which was p good. tried to work and failed miserably

ate 2 crumpets w butter and a cup of tea

chicken curry w aubergine and red pepper and rice for tea n i had a square of chocolate w marzipan afterwards

watched a film w my fam

spiraled in the evening. i vented a bit to a friend and on twitter and my paranoia is acting up so badly as well as a lot of neurosis lol. im just sure everyone hates me and finds me so cringey and . i can feel the disappointment and dread they all must feel when they have a notification from me and i hate it.

the paranoia is slightly different and wayyyy scarier but rn its too bad for me to talk abt lol

im gona go n sleep an try to forget how much everyone must feel secondhand embarrassment every time i speak

[tumblunni]

aaaaaugh that was a weird adventure of a normal thing seriously wtf how did I Almost Die from just trying to pay my electricity bills?? the electricity went out at midnight and I was having a WHOPPING GIANT MIGRAINE and seriously i suck at talking to cashiers on the best of days but now i have to call a taxi at midnight and sit there feeling awkward for like half an hour while the guy drives me several miles away to the only electricity place thats open 24/7 and like five minutes in i realized OH SHIT THIS MIGRAINE IS MORE SERIOUS THAN I EXPECTED but like i was trapped in a car and trapped in an awkward social situation! so i was here all dizzy and disassociating and like it felt like the window was a computer screen?? cos im nearsighted a lot and of course its gonna get even worse when i have a dizzy migraine of death doom. i was just so out of it with pain and tiredness and the car shaking me about and just it felt like i wasnt really there but i was still in my house just watching all this on the tv or something. i had to look down at my hands cos they were the only non blurry thing, i had to remind myself that i actually existed and wasnt somehow being erased from the world and replaced by a film reel of some guy sitting in a car?? So I am like Absolutely Fucking Nonfunctional here, and being acutely aware of how i forgot to wear my glasses and apparantly also my socks. Tho in my defense it would have been hard to put them on in the dark anyway! and seriously THIS POOR CAB GUY! like it seemed english wasnt his first language and i felt so bad cos like how can i make it clear that I am the one messing up here?? dude you didnt mishear me i really am slurring everything i say and forgetting half the dictionary. HE WAS SO NICE! I wish i could have like.. been able to register any of his individual faceparts as a coherant whole. I have problems with prosopagnosia even on a good day, but like whoa man i did not have the energy left to concentrate on what this guy even looked like. i feel bad cos i dont know his name either, im gonna remember him as just this big helpful shadow void with a nice accent. HOW DID YOU PUT UP WITH ME EMBARASSING MYSELF SO MUCH, YOU WONDERFUL CABMAN actaully wait do you call them cabs in america aa im sorry this post isnt very america translated i try and generally self-correct to america english cos i know like 90% of my followers seems to be america for some reason i do not understand HELLO AMERICDA FRIENDS TODAY okay so i was Dying in a taxi which is also called a cab, and the company was Capital Cabs which is very good and i love them and they have an automated system so you dont have to talk on the phone and seriously that cut like 50% of terror from this terror day SO ANYWAY I WAS DYING we go all over the place looking for the 24 hours electric place, and then for some reason they are closed?? there was a line outside and i think actually the doors got stuck and the cashiers couldnt get out??? what happened?? i guess i will never know cos i had to leave that mini story behind and find another electric hilariously we found one LITERALLY ACROSS THE ROAD there was THE SAME SHOP ACROSS THE ROAD FACING EACH OTHER MIRROR IMAGE WHAT like seriously fuck im already in a dizzy daze floating halfway out my own body like i didnt need any more evidence im currently in wonderland i want to know this story too, dammit! are those rival stores?? of the same brand?? somehow?? or are they owned by the same person?? because why?? is it like the area was so in-demand of small 24/7 shops that they had to make two within five metres of each other? or is it like they’re the same shop but they didnt have enough space to build the full size they wanted so they purchased two smaller land plots? or something? DID IT JUST EXIST FOR THIS SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCE OF ME NEEDING THE SHOP WHEN THE SHOP IS CLOSED “tumblr blogger tumblunni will show up fuckin migraine stoned on the 9th of november, as the prophecy foretold” omg i just mispelled prophecy as prophey and that sounds like a cute ass oc name holy shit ANYWAY im here dissacoiating my ass off and trying and failing to stick my debit card in the card machine and all the time im like FUCKIN OBSESSING over how sauboh is a really better name. Like faba is still a cute name but sauboh is a COOL name! no name is better than sauboh! and why u wanna this evil man have a cute name anyway?? when u be all cruel in the anime and sand off even the slightest non horrible edges he ever had, like seriously im unreasonably upset that everyone hates faba even more now. when will i get my sneaky science grandpa guy who is not evil for once but merely misunderstood and then i adopt him and hug him many and the all is resolved so yeah im fuckin haviung trouble focusing on what im actually doing jesus christ then i stumble into the store and i pay for my electric and im like ‘no no no fucking shit this migraine is WAY worse than i expected, im going to fucking die’ so i ask if they have any paracetamol but i cant remember the word for paracetamol and its all super embarassing. and like THE GUY LOOKS AT ME AS IF IM CRAZY. He’s all ‘ugh why would we have that, geez’. like wtf?? i mean i know i couldnt remember the name of it but i said ‘headache medicine’ so im sure he understood what i meant. i had a long rambling discussion with the taxi man about how weird that was, he was like ‘no, seriously EVERY 24 hour newsagent sells that stuff’ and i was like ‘no seriously he was rude to me for asking, like wtf’ and then i repeated the story about three more times cos i was currently in the throes of brain death in retrospect maybe the cashier thought i was drunk or something?? or high? i mean you cant get high from headache pills but i dunno maybe they mix badly with booze and he thought he was saving my life. i like to think the best of people! i wish i hadnt jumped to the grumpy conclusion during that moment and then whined like a lil bitch to this poor cab man and seriously he was SO NICE! he was like ‘dude seriously we’d have to drive anothr five miles to find another newsagent shop, im trying to save you money’ and he tried to give me some of the paracetamol he had in his wallet and i was like YOURE SO FUCKIN NICE IM DYING, I COULD NEVER ACCEPT THAT but also in retrospect probably that was a good decision cos even if the guy seemed super nice and trustable its like Good Life Policy to not take medicine from people you don’t know. I am 100% sure tho that he actually was genuine and wasnt gonna fuckin murder me with fakeacetamol HE WAS SO NICE! HIM AND HIS NONDESCRIPT FACIAL REGION! why cant i remember ANYTHING about this man oh and also I was able to give some money to a lady on the street!! i don’t know if she was actually homeless, she said that she had some trouble with a hotel booking or something so she was just stuck sleeping outside for the night. i cant remember if she had any luggage so i cant verify if the story is true, it just made me really sad wondering if it WASNT true and its like she needed to lie or people wouldnt give her money?? like seriously homeless people are the most vunerable yet theyre the ones people have the least sympathy for! wtf having to like like ‘i need the money less’... anyway i also couldnt remember her face and was kinda slurring my words to death and i didnt have much money to give but aaaa i hope i helped!! so yeah fuckin SMASH CUT to the next newsagent place and seriously i swear i blacked out for a minute cos it was just like wow we’re there in 48 seconds yet the clock says a bunch more miles and THEY HAD PARACETALMOL AND I WAS FUCKIN CRYING IN A SPAR MART thenk u cashier man who was probablyh very confused at this guy with no socks also for some reason my mind was wandering to the topic of what i’d do if i got misgendered in a cinema, like holding this fuckin entire fictional argument with this manifestation of my own self doubt WHAT EVEN INSPIRED THAT THOUGHT PROCESS so i’m nigh passing out and the nice cab man takes me home and he tries to make me pay less than the fee on the clock and im like NO DUDE IT WAS MY OWN CHOICE TO GO 2 PARACETAMOL SHOP seriously he was SO NICE why cant i remember his faaaaaace and i usually like to give a tip to the taxi guy even though tipping isnt really a thing in my country cos just i feel like Being Nice Is Nice and i want to thank them for their nice but i DIDNT HAVE ANY MORE MONEY LEFT so aaaa i was only able to give him an extra £0.50 but thank you taxi man i hope you have a good night and good life and the universe rewards you for helping a migraine fucked bunbun this eve and now ive shoved medicines in my fave and im just waiting for them to kick in and i know i should eat something but i feel so nauseous aaarglefargle also nice taxi man told me a story about how the same thing happened to him once except the electric went out while he was in the shower. So he just got blasted by cold water AND had to stumble down the stairs in the dark, and then friggin buy electric while his ears were still fulla soap. Whoa dude your bravery in face of embarassment exceeds my own! i love you platonically mr cab man thanks for making me feel less nervous and such while i was Die so yeah hopefully i will be less die soon ok bye also sauboh is a best name and i need to steal it for an oc or something NINTEND U LET IT SLIP AWAY

[oflgtfol]

ok so i think, as always, the book was better than the movie... ie, some final Thots on 2001 a space odyssey

like idk i just think the concepts were easier to work with when put down in words than purely visuals unless they built in stuff to provide explanation which idk how lol...

also they dedicated a huge amount of time to just fucking. visuals and nothing else it was actually kinda tedious like five whole minutes of just different shots of the same thing with some choir of human voices just doing monotone noises it was... weird lol. i think that time couldve been cut down and instead used to like... pace this shit better lmfao

like i think if i hadnt read the book i’d be INCREDIBLY confused about Everything. and the weird pacing didnt help......... like if there was more time dedicated to bowman making his way alone to jupiter (in the movie, saturn in the book) then it’d be better and it’d show his alteration in psyche.. instead we got a time skip... and then there was a whole process for him entering the star gate but in the movie its just him staring out the window at jupiter and then suddenly some weird line appears and BOOM PSYCHEDELIC TRIP like LOL what??? ALSO LIKE -50 POINTS FOR NOT HAVING THE LINE “OH MY GOD IT’S FULL OF STARS” BECAUSE THEY TOOK AWAY THE STAR GATE!!!! and again fuck you for not showing the inverted colors place i was PSYCHED to see that on screen but uh ahhaha no its just a bunch of landscapes in weird neon colors for like 5-10 whole minutes.. ok.........

the hotel scene couldve been done better too :/ in fact i think the tone of several scenes kinda got lost.. like hal’s death was, it was ok i guess but it didnt have as much of an impact on me as it did in the book. but i DID like how there was actually a reaction from bowman during it which wasnt really in the book beyond “wow this is harder than i thought lol” as if he isnt purposefully killing what he considers another crewmate for his own survival LOL

but uhm yeah the entire final act of the book .. bowman had basically said fuck it to a normal life lol he literally was like “i’ve made it this far and im not gonna be stopped now” he just went right fuckin into that star gate and he embraced the hell out of it.... the entire time he was in awe and he even said he wasnt very afraid. he took notice that despite being in such a dangerous situation he was being taken care of so obviously whatever brought him there wanted him alive and safe... he only ever got cautious when in the hotel room. there, he was anxious for the first time bc he thought he was like the representative of the human race so he didnt want to be stupid and fuck it up, but he also was afraid of being overly cautious in case that was Being Stupid.. so he went around the room investigating stuff, he noticed that the room was a decoy set up by the aliens based off what was portrayed in human media and it was used to put him at ease, he literally took a shower and went to sleep.. idk there was a lot of nuance in that scene that i didnt appreciate at the time but the movie just . lol ok. the movie removed all of that and its really quite incomprehensible. i only understand what was going on because i read the book. the scene really accomplished nothing for the narrative in the movie but in the book it tied up all the loose ends (the giant shockwave of static when the monolith was exposed to sunlight was the aliens collecting all humans transmissions - thats how they learned to replicate the hotel room for bowman, cause familiarity puts one at ease. the movie retained the radio static but in removing the details of the hotel room scene that shit is like literally never explained so lmfao)

ALSO. the man apes at the beginning. the movie literally never says that they evolved because of the monolith. it vaguely implies it but unless you read the book im like 99% sure it would go over your head. legit the man apes dance around the monolith and then start using bones to beat the shit out of animals and each other and thats it LOL. in the book it showed the monolith forcing them to learn how to use tools, even accidentally killing one in the process, and then it showed how they begin to think along the lines of predators and using tools as weapons. also the book said that the man apes didnt care about the monolith at all bc they thought it was just a rock and like who cares about rocks when you’re fighting to survive everyday, and even when it proved to be more than a rock they still didnt care when it was suddenly gone lol, meanwhile the movie had the fucking one ape wake up and immediately start screaming and waking the others up when it saw the monolith and then they all started gathering around it and stroking it like uhm lol what.. the whole point of this part is that theyre more like animals than humans still and i dont think animals are really that aware of things.. yeah they may be curious as to a new object and maybe start sniffing it but like WOW it was a HUGE deal to them in the movie lol????????)

ALSO I DIDNT LIKE HOW THE MOVIE CHARACTERIZED HAL. hal was made to be sympathetic in the books, in fact its never explicitly said but he’s... very near a human in psyche at least. he never kills anyone on purpose - they only die on accident. he acts out due to guilt over hiding the truth of the mission from bowman and poole, panic when his attempts at thwarting them start to go wrong, and naivety, when he doesnt know what sleep is because he’s a robot and he thinks sleep is equivalent to death and so he thinks bowman and poole are going to kill him. theyre all very human emotions, and even bowman says that he can sympathize with that despite being a direct victim in all this lol. yet in the movie hal seems to generic Evil Robot’s True Evil Nature Is Revealed As Robot Goes Rogue And Kills Humans. his interactions with bowman and poole are very ominous and he seems to be deliberately lying to them, while in the book he seemed kinda hesitant about it.  and then movie hal goes and kills poole, bowman goes out to save him (which he doesnt do in the book), doesnt let bowman back in????, and then deliberately kills the other crewmembers currently in stasis.... but in the book hal killed poole to keep him from discovering that hal was lying, bowman gets suspicious that hal is going Bad so he goes to wake up the 3 other crewmembers, hal opens the airlocks when bowman is waking them up, killing the 3 and attempting to kill bowman out of self defense due to bowman planning to disconnect hal, which hal thinks is Death. i mean ultimately, yes hal killed them all, but the motives behind it are different and characterize him much differently as a result.. hal just seemed like an AI who was programmed to do a task even if it resulted in bad things in the movie, but in the book he genuinely felt almost human, and his artificial intelligence only really factored in when it came to him actually being able to deal with human emotions... a normal human would not kill people when their lie was starting to come unraveled (depending on the severity of the lie i guess), but hal has never dealt with this guilt and he literally doesnt even know what sleep is because hes not human, and thats what makes him do these bad things, and even then we never know for sure if he ever actually intended for them to wind up as murder lol

i mean the movie had fanTASTIC visuals but from the story perspective its uh. lacking lol.