#I don't know how to do anything alone without my friends
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ghsface · 3 days ago
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I knew it, i know you... - Matt Sturniolo
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Sumary: You return to a place in the past, where memories and guilt haunt you as you find your ex, facing what you could never let go of.
Warnings: angst, break up, insecurities (on the part of the protagonist) guilt, no happy ending, I think that's all.
A/n: This is my first time writing angst, I really enjoyed doing it so I'll probably start writing more angst, I hope you like it and tell me what you think, I was inspired by one of my favorite songs by Gracie I hope you like it. by the way I'm sorry if there's something wrong or that you don't understand, my first language is not English.
⛧°。 ⋆༺ ✮ ༻⋆。 °⛧
That night, the restaurant's atmosphere was familiar and welcoming, full of memories you'd rather leave buried. You were there, surrounded by your friends, laughing, talking, and trying to forget that this was the place you always came to with Matt. From the moment you walked through the door, you tried to focus on anything but the memories, knowing full well that something as simple as a glance at the corner where you used to sit could shatter you.
You laughed, enjoyed the dessert, and pretended that the empty chair in front of you didn't remind you of him, of Matt, the love of your life. The one you'd let go because you believed you didn't deserve the happiness he gave you. You'd been so trapped in your insecurities, in doubts you didn't even know how to express, that the only escape you found was to end the relationship. "It's better this way," you told yourself. "It's the best for both of us." You kept repeating to yourself
As your friends began to gather their things and pay their bills, you knew the night was coming to an end and you couldn't help but feel a certain anxiety. They apologized for having to leave, and you smiled at them in an attempt at reassurance. "I'm fine, girls. Enjoy your night." And as soon as they left, you were left alone, wondering if you should also pay your bill and leave to avoid any chance of running into him.
But that was when you saw him. Or rather, you saw them. First it was Nick, who recognized you instantly and gave you a look that you pretended not to notice. He looked away, but you knew he had seen you. However, the illusion of being invisible crumbled when you looked up again and your eyes met Chris, who was now also watching you. You tried to concentrate on your dessert, as if you were suddenly on a mission to finish it as quickly as possible, while feeling the weight of their gazes.
Finally, it was Matt who looked at you. You knew it without even looking up. His presence was unmistakable, the same effect he had on you before, only now it was accompanied by a pang of pain and shame. His eyes were on you, but there was no such sparkle as before, that spark that once made you feel like the most important person in his world...
You sighed, putting the spoon aside and taking a break. You needed air. You calmly stood up and headed to the bathroom, forcing yourself not to turn around or look at him. As you walked, memories began to come back, and it was as if the bathroom became a portal to all those things you thought you had overcome. You closed your eyes and suddenly you were there again, on that first day.
Flashbacks...
It was summer, just another day in the park where you spent hours talking. Matt seemed anxious, and you, without knowing why, felt that nervousness reflected in you.
“I’ve been thinking…” Matt paused, staring at your intertwined hands, then looked up to meet yours. “I don’t want to think anymore. Just… will you be my girlfriend?”
A blush had crept up your face, and you were surprised by the intensity with which you had responded.
“Yeah. Of course I will, Matt.” A nervous laugh escaped your lips, and he hugged you, so tightly that it made you feel like you would never need anything else.
The memory changed, and suddenly you were in his living room, fighting in an impromptu pillow fight, laughing like never before, while Chris and Nick complained about the noise from the kitchen.
“Come on, Matt!” you yelled, throwing a pillow at him. “Is that all you got?”
“You think so? Start running babe,” he replied, his mischievous smile lighting up his face as he dodged another blow and lunged at you, trapping you in his arms. The warmth of his hands on your shoulders and the laughter you shared filled the room with an energy that only existed between the two of you.
But then, the memory quickly changed. It was him, frowning, looking at you with concern. “What’s wrong? Why are you so distant?” he asked you sweetly and with a hint of desperation. And you, instead of opening up, lowered your head and muttered a “It’s nothing” that tasted like a lie.
He asked you the same thing over and over again. “It hurts me to see you like this, but… I don’t know how to help you if you don’t tell me.” He said with pain in his voice
You couldn't give him an answer, and the frustration in his eyes became unbearable. He had always tried to be there, but you were sinking into a confusion and despair that you didn't know how to explain.
"Matt..." you had murmured, looking at him without words, knowing that every second of silence hurt more than anything else you could say. He took your hands, trying to comfort you, but the weight of your own thoughts was like a barrier you couldn't cross.
Despite his attempts, his tenderness, his patience, you sank into your own insecurities, building a wall that he never managed to tear down.
The last day you saw him, the day everything broke, was engraved in your memory like an open wound. He was standing in front of you, his eyes full of pain, but you stood firm.
"I can't keep doing this to you," you had said, as if it were the easiest thing in the world. He stayed silent, as if those words were a blow to his stomach.
“Really? That easy for you?” he said, and his voice was a mix of disbelief and sadness.
You distanced yourself from him, unable to bear the pain you caused, but you knew you couldn’t keep dragging him down with you. You couldn’t keep making him suffer for something you didn’t even know how to explain.
“Yes, Matt. I’m sorry, but I have to,” you said, and as he remained silent, you let him go.
Then, the inevitable. You ignored his calls, his texts, and not just his, but also those from Chris and Nick, your best friends. You didn’t want to face them, what you had done, the guilt you felt. You chose silence as a refuge, despite knowing how much it hurt them.
End of flashbacks…
You took a deep breath, opening your eyes, trying to stifle the memories. You left the bathroom and, just as you tried to go back to your table, you heard Nick’s voice calling you.
“Hey! It’s you!”
You turned around, feigning forced surprise. “Oh, Nick! Hi!”
“I can’t believe you’re here,” Chris said, joining the conversation, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. But there was an intensity in his words that made you hesitate.
“Yeah, well… coincidence, I guess,” you replied, laughing nervously. You avoided looking at Matt, who was silent, staring at his glass as if it were the only thing in the world.
Nick smiled at you, approaching you with that warmth you had always appreciated in him. “How have you been?” Chris asked, trying to keep the conversation going.
“Fine, just… living life, I guess,” I replied, the words coming out almost without thinking.
Matt was still sitting in his chair, making no move to talk to you. You felt the weight of his indifference, and an unbearable guilt enveloped you. How could you do this to him? How could you leave without giving him a chance to understand?
You began to chat casually, as if it were a reunion between old friends and not a constant reminder of unhealed wounds. You felt the topic everyone wanted to avoid was obvious.
Matt, however, remained silent, barely looking at you. You knew he was aware of your presence, but he didn't say a word to you. Guilt weighed on your chest, every second intensifying the pain you had tried to bury.
After a while, the atmosphere began to become uncomfortable. You smiled at them and excused yourself, trying to escape from that place that seemed to collapse on you, knowing that it was time to leave. You walked to the cashier, paid your bill, and before leaving, you turned to look at them one last time.
There was Matt, with those eyes that always seemed capable of seeing beyond your words. In that look, full of sadness and nostalgia, you understood that the wound would never completely heal. Those eyes that loved you, that once were everything to you, were now filled with a sadness that you could never erase.
You knew that you would never forgive yourself for what you had done, you would never forgive yourself for what you did, but deep down, you knew that maybe you couldn't have done it any other way, you had done it for him, for yourself. Still, the pain was still there, like a constant echo. And when you left, a part of you was left behind, lost in the memory of what could have been.
You'll never be able to let Matt go. And maybe, he won't either.
You left the restaurant, taking with you the echo of their glances, the memories, and the weight of a story that, one way or another, would always remain unfinished.
⛧°。 ⋆༺ ✮ ༻⋆。 °⛧
your reblogs and replies are always appreciated dearly, and feel free to leave a request ✮
Tags... @matthewsroses @dominicfikeenthusiast @louipartridge @sophand4n4 @bsturnzmtt <3
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xoxosolia · 2 days ago
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hii. ohmg, just read your post about you becoming a master shifter and I'm sooo happy for you!! seeing successes on here genuinely makes me feel so inspired and happy, so thanks for sharing it with us.
however, i would love to know how you shifted for the first time, what blockages did u let go of to finally have shifted. also i hope you can mention the method when u first shifted (if u used any), which methods do you use to shift regularly now? how does it feel to be a master shifter? and if its okay with you, can you share wid us your Drs? ALSO IS SHIFTING RLLY AS EASY AS THEY SAY!!?
thankyouu soo much💌
♡ How i shifted for the first time ♡
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The first time I shifted was a normal Sunday. I was so depressed and I absolutely didn't want to go to class because the next day I had a lot of control, so i just said to myself "I'll shift tonight or never" I was seriously determined, so I tried closing my eyes and putting on a subliminal but it didn't work so I fell asleep.
I woke up around 2 a.m. and realized that I hadn't succeeded. I was a little disappointed and very tired but I wanted to try again. So since it was still early and I had time, that's what I did. I concentrated on my dr very precisely, imagining myself looking in the mirror and dressing myself in my dream clothes, I was extremely focused on all the details , my face, clothes my friends, things like that.
It lasted about 20 minutes I think, until my eyes opened on their own and was in my room in my dr on my bed, I didn't immediately understand that I had shifted , everything seemed so normal. It took me 5 minutes to understand that my room had changed and I was like "Oh shit"
I think what made me succeed that night and not the others was that I was very focused on my dr and that I was too tired to notice the symptoms that I had, And also because those days I was alone at home and therefore my house was completely silent, so i understood that was just a problem of distraction
I didn't use any particular method, I just let myself go and I don't use any at all now. I just think very hard about my dr and I'm there
Honestly I really like being a master shifter, I feel so powerful lol😭. and it really boosted my self-confidence. It also means that now I no longer ask for anything at all because I know that if I want it I will have it whether it is with the shift or with the manifestation. When I realized that I had become a master shifter I first had a mini existential crisis. I was asking myself things like "So technically magic exists?" "So technically I'm immortal?" "So anything is really possible?" I wasn't really sad about it on the contrary. I found it incredible (and still do)
The shift also really changed the way I interact with others, whether here or in my other realities. Personally I don't make a script and I keep everything in my head because my subconscious knows what I want and sometimes in my dr my personality changes without me realizing it.
In my fame dr I am rather extroverted or even arrogant, and in my barbie charm school dr I am rather introverted and stubborn, the worst is that I never realized it until the day I had a big argument with my best friends from my fame dr. They didn't want to talk to me anymore and that's when I realized that yes, I can have problems even on shift in a perfect reality.
I have a lot of idea for my dr but for now i shift only in my better cr, fame dr and my Barbie charm school dr (I will definitely do a post about my dr).
I hope I answered all your questions :))
Xoxo, Solia ૮꒰ྀི⸝⸝> . <⸝⸝꒱ྀིა
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yamsgarden · 2 days ago
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Damn... Learning about my past through a crazy ex childhood friend's ex was not on my 2024 bingo card...
nw they don't use tumblr, they don't even know what tumblr is so, i'm just gonna vent here for 2 secs because holy shit...
It's just so weird to have to continue life as if everything's normal OTL
I swear to god my life feels like a movie sometimes-- does that happen to everyone?!
Gonna spare the really fucked up details, but basically, an old gang of 6 friends and I (minus the crazy one), have finally reunited yesterday. It had been a year since we didn't see each other, but yesterday, ouhhh so many dark confessions happened OTL
There's a lot to unpack here, but for short, that crazy ex childhood friend had insanely awful jealousy problems and it consumed her. At first she looked fine, but with time it was clear that she was also obsess with men's attention and unfaithful and flirted with her ex's best friend or any guys...
She wanted us to guess how she felt and what she wanted us to do for her, without telling us. She was the one causing huge drama all the time, but she was still somehow the victim...
Basically, that person who once brought all of us together, managed to ruin all of her relationship with all 6 of us. Now we all came back together and our disdain for her, has only brought us closer...
All this situation shocks me, because that ex friend used to tell me how much she was so scared to end up alone... Then she spent months and months making me feel horrible and rejected and hated. She also told me many times how ''her traumas and problems were worst than mine''...
At some point, I finally cut ties with her for good, but I was worry she put up everyone else against me, so I left and didn't want to cause trouble for the rest of the gang.
She was really keeping us altogether out of fear of ending up alone, rather than keeping us altogether out of love...
But now, I guess... Look at who's ended up all alone afterall.
I'm so happy we finally told each other and now, we can all start healing together... It means so much to realized that all this time, they actually never wanted me to leave because of the other crazy fucked up one, but they were too scared of her reaction... They even told me yesterday how they want me back and they want me to stay... Ugh, my heart OTL
We were all too nice to say anything, and in the process we let her hurt us.
But yeah, I guess... Really do be careful who you let in your life OTL Some ppl really do are fake friends and they hate you with a passion but they will still keep you around because they got nobody else.
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babygirl-diaz · 3 hours ago
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Planning My Wedding With Some Guy I'll Never Marry
"Jee, wait!" Buck ran after his giggling 4-year-old niece as she made an escape towards the front door.
Jee threw the door open before Buck could get to her and squealed. "Uncle Eddie!"
Buck stopped behind Jee and saw how Eddie's face lit up at the sight of her.
"Hi Jee Yun!" Eddie said excitedly and waved at her. He got on the floor and gave her a hug.
Buck's heart did a flip when he saw that but he ignored it. "What are you doing here?"
"You don't want me here?" Eddie asked as he stood up.
"No- I- I didn't mean that," Buck huffed. "Do you want cupcakes?"
"Uncle Eddie, come have cupcakes!" Jee said excitedly as she took Eddie's hand and led him to the kitchen.
Eddie smiled and followed her. Buck had no idea when she started calling Eddie 'Uncle' as well, but he liked that.
"I came to check on you," Eddie finally replied after settling down with the pretty pink cupcake that Jee had decorated.
"Thanks, but I'm better now," Buck replied and scrunched his nose lovingly at Jee. "This little one made my day significantly better."
Eddie took some frosting and put it on Jee's nose, making Jee adorably frown at him. "Kids make everything significantly better," he replied. "So what are we doing now?"
"We?" Buck asked.
"Play!" Jee provided
"I love that idea!" Eddie replied and smirked at Buck. "What should we play, Jee?"
Jee tapped her cheek and hummed as she thought about it. "Wedding!"
"Wedding?" Eddie asked. "How do we play that?"
"Uncle Buck and you get married!" Jee replied excitedly and clapped her hands together.
Now it was Buck's turn to smirk. "What? Scared, Diaz?"
"Scared of what? Marrying you?" Eddie huffed.
"Scared of being perceived as anything other than straight," Buck teased.
Buck's pretty sure he heard Eddie say "about that" under his breath and he felt his heart almost leap out of his chest.
"Okay, Uncle Eddie, you stand there," Jee said bringing Eddie over to the couch. "Uncle Buck, you stand there," Jee added, bringing Buck next to Eddie.
Buck briefly looked over at Eddie to see him smiling. He has been so carefree lately, and Buck loves to see that.
"Uncle Buckkkkk!"
Jee's voice brought Buck out of his thoughts and he looked over to see her standing there with her hands on her hips. "Up!" She said. "I wants to stand on the couch!"
"Oh!" Buck immediately picked Jee up and put her on the couch.
"We need rings!" Jee whined.
"I've got some ring pops from Halloween?" Buck suggested
"Okay!" Jee perked up again.
Buck ran to the kitchen and returned with a red and a green ring pop. "Which one you want?" He asked Eddie.
"Red!" Eddie replied and snatched the green one from Buck's hand.
Buck rolled his eyes and turned around to face Jee. "So are you the priest?"
"What?"
Buck heard Eddie's nervous voice and looked over at him confused. "What?"
"Did you say something about the priest?" Eddie asked.
Buck looked at him weirdly and then said, "I was just asking Jee if she was the priest since that's easier for her to say than 'officiant'."
"Oh," Eddie visibly let out a breath and Buck was even more confused by that.
"Uncle Buck, put the ring on Uncle Eddie's finger!" Jee demanded.
"Don't I get to say my vows?" Buck asked.
"What's vows?" Jee asked adorably and tilted her head to the side.
"Hmmm.... It's something the people getting married say to each other so that they can remain best friends forever," Buck explained.
"Okay! Say your vows!" Jee said excitedly.
"Eddie Diaz, you're my best friend, my rock, and I don't know how I could have gotten through this breakup without you. Thank you for tolerating me and of course, marrying me. I hope I can be a good husband to you," Buck found himself meaning that last part.
"Hey, man, I'm always here for you, no matter what," Eddie replied. "You got me through these last few months without Chris. I didn't think I would be able to do it alone. You also helped me get out of my shell and accept myself. I owe you Bria- BUCK!"
Buck's eyes widened when he heard his slip of the tongue. "Wh-"
"Uncle Buck! Ring!" Jee insisted.
Buck looked at her. "Huh?"
"Ring!" Jee whined.
"Oh, sorry, right!" Buck took the red Ring Pop and then asked for Eddie's hand. He pushed it past the second knuckle on Eddie's ring finger.
"Yay!" Jee cheered and clapped her hands. "Uncle Eddie! Now you!"
Eddie took the green Ring Pop and put it on Buck's ring finger. "Till Ring Pop does us apart?" He joked.
"Something like that," Buck replied and rolled his eyes.
"Now kiss!" Jee told them.
"What?!" Both Buck and Eddie exclaimed at the same.
"Kiss kiss kiss!" She insisted.
"Can we hug?" Eddie asked.
"Noooooo... kiss!" Jee pouted at them and crossed her arms.
"I guess we're kissing then," Eddie laughed nervously.
Buck felt like his heart was about to leap out of his chest as he leaned in and met Eddie halfway. They pecked quickly but Buck still felt a spark.
They both pulled away and Eddie grinned at Jee. "Happy?"
"Yes!" Jee replied. "Now let's dance!"
And dance they did. The three of them jumped and danced around to Olivia Rodrigo songs (Buck making sure they were the clean versions) but it was cathartic. Buck picked Jee up at one point and both Eddie and Buck gave her a kiss each on the cheek.
Jee was soon out of it and fell asleep with her head on Buck's shoulder.
Buck sat down on the couch and Eddie sat down beside him, smiling at him.
"You sure you're good?" Eddie asked.
"I think I will be. I mean, break-up baking aside, I have my favorite people around me, that's all I need," Buck replied.
"Hey, I know we never really talked about-"
"Don't say his name!" Buck warned, making Jee stir against him.
Buck gently thumped her back to have her sleep again. "Sorry, I just- I don't wanna talk about him."
"Okay," Eddie nodded in understanding.
They stayed quiet for what seemed like hours.
"I think I have a crush on a priest," Eddie finally spoke up.
Buck turned his head so quick towards him that he almost gave himself whiplash. "What?"
"Yeah..." Eddie replied without looking at him and offered no other explanation.
"Well, shit," Buck replied and looked ahead.
They both sighed at the same time and it was obvious for very different reasons.
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muzzlemouths · 2 days ago
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Well, I can't refuse an excuse to indulge lmao. Some of these explanations will have to remain very brief/vague in an attempt to tiptoe around spoilers, but I'll say as much as I can!
Honorary mention to Killers Walk which won't make it onto this list with an explanation because you know I just put it on here for sillies.
Be prepared for this to get pretty long!
(Don't Fear) the Reaper
This one's obvious, but I do want to mention that the change of parentheses placement was purposeful. (Don't) Fear the Reaper as in do, as in you should, as in you have every reason to fear them, but that "(don't)" is meant to imply a whisper from the reapers themselves. A plead. Please don't be scared of me.
One Way or Another
Also pretty obvious, but this one especially made it on to the playlist because I am struck with visions of an animatic of Sun going ham with his axe/knife on the counselors, montage style, every time it plays. It's just so fitting to how giddy and enthusiastic he is when getting his hands dirty. Then there's the final chorus, "One way, or another, I'm gonna lose ya, I'm gonna give you the slip, I'm gonna trick ya," which will be especially relevant in these coming chapters.
Wolf Boy
The first appearance of a modern song! I normally like to keep my au playlists to the era they take place in (take the Dead Mall Dare playlist, for example), but I had to break that habit for this au because there were just too many songs that fit too well to pass up. This being one of them!
The lyrics feel play a play-by-play of the experience thus far. Y/N has many bones to pick with them (murder being just the start), and they would give anything to just forget about this whole event and go back to how their life was before, but it's never that easy. I think "I ain't gonna play the same" touches on Y/N's refusal to look the other way. They had an opportunity to save themselves if they only played along, but they're playing another game entirely, and they don't intend to lose.
"Wolf boy" itself is undeniably clear (I mean, I literally made a Wolf Among Sheep reference last chapter), especially with the line about a puppy becoming a beast. They've seen how Sun switches on a dime, the way he puts his amicability up on the shelf like a prop, and now that you've made your decision, it's your head on the platter.
"Can you dig what I found?" reminds of moments where they first started putting the puzzle pieces together, and most especially when they discovered Jenn's drivers license. They won't be left alone anymore because they can no longer be trusted not to stick their nose where it doesn't belong.
"You think you're some tough stuff, I hope you're happy now," said after three of their friends have now been put to the blade, one way or another. They still don't understand why Sun enjoys their suffering so much, why it makes him happy to see them panic, and with how smug he's been about it all it's really starting to piss Y/N off. There's only so much empathy one can share with a serial killer before it becomes motive.
"If you're gonna huff and puff, I gotta save this town" because they've finally reached their breaking point, and they're prepared to drive the wolf out of town if they have to do it all on their own.
My favorite part about this song is how the vibe of the final chorus changes — and how sudden the change is. To me, this is the musical version of the moment the Final Girl decides it's time to fight back.
Shout
This one, to me, feels like a one-sided conversation between Sun and Y/N. "These are the things I can do without" being his implications of what he is willing to risk, and what he is willing to lose to get the job done. Because he has nothing left to lose, and that makes for a very dangerous person.
"I hope we live to tell the tale" The fish metaphor. The fish metaphor. You understand. "And when you've taken down your guard, if I could change your mind, I'd really love to break your heart" It bears repeating that he is still convinced he can change your mind, and you'll one day see his side of things. He would love nothing more than to wrap things up here and then live out the rest of your lives together as besties. But both of you know that's not going to happen.
Eyes Without a Face
The first song mentioned in the fic! (Actually, the only song actually mentioned in the fic so far. I gotta remedy that.)
"I'm all out of hope, one more bad dream could bring a fall."
"I spent so much time believing all the lies to keep the dream alive"
"Now all I can do is love what was once so alive and new, but it's gone from your eyes. I'd better realize." What can I say except that this guy is depressed and delusional. I hope you pick up on the themes of this one on your own because I keep trying to come up with ways to articulate why this one is important but I just look like a guy with his theory board and red string. Please tell me you understand. please. please. plea
Hungry Like a Wolf
This one is just for funsies. Something something Wolf and Rabbit dynamic. "Strut on a line, it's discord and rhyme" something something he be flipping on that dime again. You get it.
Private Eyes and Somebody's Watching Me
I'm not explaining this one. They're both about stalking and seeing through each other's facades it's not that deep (it is).
Psycho Killer
Come on man.
Dead Man's Party
Oingo Boingo beloved. This one is one of those songs that is a mix of Vibe and Lyrics. Sun would kill somebody to this. It's just bouncy enough to match his vibe perfectly. The lyrics themselves are pretty obvious:
"I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go. Walkin' with a dead man over my shoulder"
"Waiting for an invitation to arrive, goin' to a party where no one's still alive"
"Don't run away, it's only me"
There's more to it of course but alas, spoilers. You'll figure it out.
Dancing With Myself
If DFtR au were a movie this would be on the soundtrack, and yeah, Sun would kill someone to this one too. It makes me think about the times they've made their own company with the forest animals after being made outcasts, and especially when he extends an offer for you to join him— but, ah, that hasn't happened yet, has it?
Personal Jesus
What can I say except that this guy is too smug for his own good, and that kind of self assured vanity can only bring further tragedy. Sun and Moon are convinced that what they're doing is righteous, that it is justified retribution, that they are the heroes of this story. And Sun is personally going to do everything he can to convince you of that.
Bigmouth Strikes Again
"Sweetness, I was only joking when I said I'd like to smash every tooth in your head"
"Sweetness, I was only joking when I said By rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed"
"Now I know how Joan of Arc felt, as the flames rose to her Roman nose and her Walkman started to melt."
This guy is not joking. And his martyr complex is showing.
Tear You Apart
I pointedly look away from the camera. Anyway—
Y'all Want a Single
This one is so self indulgent. I just like to imagine Sun beating the shit out of somebody to this song I'm so sorry. This is the song where he stops playing with his food and just goes balls to the walls.
Who is She
Hey, I drew that vhs poster to this song!
There's just something so eerie about the vibe of this one, and I really enjoy the mental picture it draws of Sun and Moon's opinion of Y/N; how conflicted he is about their presence, how intriguing they are, how their antics are equally exciting and frustrating. This song is about them losing you. You, who they never had to begin with.
#4, Portrait of Mr. Boogie, AHS 1984, The Quarry
Skipping ahead on the list a bit so I can save the best songs for last. These four songs are nothing but atmosphere music for me. They don't personally relate to the story in any way (I mean, they're instrumental, so yknow), and are just songs that I keep on the playlist because I've repeatedly written scenes to them.
#4, specifically, was played while writing out the discovery of Chet's body (for real this time), and I'd like to think it's the song that would play during that scene were this a true slasher film, too.
Run Rabbit Run
Yeah yeah rabbit is in the title. Yeah yeah Moon made reference to this very song in his rhymed threat about a hunter coming for a trapped rabbit. But also this song is immediately relevant to the next chapter :) and I can't say more than that.
Now we're getting into heavy spoiler territory. These next three songs will be kept purposefully vague, but I hope you'll remember them when the time comes that all of it is laid bare.
Disenchanted
This song is about the tragedy. The tragedy that befell the campgrounds, yes, but more so about the tragedy that Sun and Moon endured as a result.
"Well I was there on the day They sold the cause for the queen And when the lights all went out We watched our lives on the screen I hate the ending myself But it started with an alright scene"
"It was the roar of the crowd That gave me heartache to sing It was a lie when they smiled And said, you won't feel a thing And as we ran from the cops We laughed so hard it would sting"
Sun and Moon were never given a chance to prevent this. They were always doomed from the start. When tragedy struck, they could only stand back and watch as decisions were made for them, as their very life was tossed around in conversation like it meant nothing. So they took matters into their own hands, and decided to flip the script.
The outcome has been miserable, but the beginning — their life before that point — was wonderful. It was home.
There's more that has to do with the lyrics further down, but you'll have to wait for the explanation on that until more has been revealed.
Dead Come Talking
Ohhh this one gets me Emotional every time. I can't say too much about it because this song and the one after it are both entirely about Sun and Moon's personal hardships, of which have not yet been properly addressed or revealed in the fic. I will say that the haunting they've forced upon the counselors is a shared experience, something they've personally been enduring for years, already. Sun and Moon are haunted by their past, by their grief, and in that way they themselves are the ghosts haunting the campgrounds.
Spring Break 1899
This is it. This is the most important song on the playlist. This is the song that plays at the end of Act 3. The song that plays when Sun takes in all that he's done, when the carnage sits before him and he's made to face every wrongdoing, every decision and path that has brought him to this point, and come to terms with whether or not he still wants to continue. Whether he has the strength to continue. This is the song that plays when he makes one final choice.
Echoes
The aftermath.
Do you perhaps... have a playlist for dftr?
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As a matter of fact, I do 😌
It's a little on the short side at 2 hours because I am very specific with what songs get put on my au playlists, but that means each and every song has been picked with purpose (and I'm still adding more every day).
Also — you're right on the money with that song choice, anon. I don't want to spoil anything, but let's just say it'll soon be very relevant.
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sketchf4ngz · 4 months ago
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Eu sou cringe
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zebratimw · 1 year ago
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Spirit animal SQH
#svsss#shang qinghua#but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but#but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee#also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but#I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg#oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left#I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something#or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird#LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm#I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either#I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself#eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up#I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa#man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong#cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk#its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment#with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig#and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down#but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications#and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly#man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk
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skunkes · 5 months ago
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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auphelia · 2 days ago
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#tw vent#ah yes logging back into tumblr to yeet this and then going#i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere#i've never felt this much like an alien in my entire fucking life and that's saying something from someone who was excluded in primary#school and has been since (regularly called devil spawn as well isn't it lovely)#i'm sick and tired of this#i never planned to make it past 18 but i did it regardless out of sheer fucking spite and will and wanting it to get better#and here i am six years later and just as miserable#except this time i won't have to spend weeks discreetly hoarding a stash because i never threw it out#and i know that's not the thing to do and that i should continue to press on and all that and believe it will get better but like#at this point i'm not sure if; even if things do get better that i'll even be in a position to appreciate it?#i feel fucking broken and i have been so utterly numb for most of my life#i don't know how to make friends and even less about how to keep them#i've spent my entire life trying to fit in and getting mocked and bullied for being weird#i adapt personality traits of everyone around me for the sake of never risking upsetting anyone or putting myself at chance of ridicule#i don't even know who i am at this point- i don't think i've ever known myself because by the time i became a teen#i was already hurting myself just so i could get some of my frustration out without making a scene or trouble anyone#it took six years for anyone to notice; six fucking years and even then all i was met with was anger#i hate being excluded and i hate being left out and people keep doing it and i keep doing it to myself#because i don't want to be here anymore but i don't want to hurt anyone so i remove myself from social relations so no one will miss me#i feel so fucking alone and it's all my own fault and i'm so scared to do anything about it#how can anyone want to spend time with someone who doesn't even know themselves? i'm a mess i'm sorry i needed to process my thoughts#but i guess i'll persevere#my cat needs me to#tw suicidal ideation#tw self harm
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kuromi-hoemie · 7 months ago
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why is it always the forbidden fruit that entices me the most (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠)
#🚶🏾‍♀�� not that it impacts the way i feel about anyone else but i actually do fr love my manager and it's crazy bc idk how or when this#happened. like i have fun by myself n i love my friends but i rly am at my happiest when I'm next to her huh (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠) ♡⁠#and that is a wild way to feel about someone i work with let alone who supervises me akdkaka#i still can't believe how naturally and affirmingly “i love you” jumped out of me the other day without thinking about it#and i do??¿ after thinking about it??¿ i would literally do anything for you#and she said she loves me too 😵‍💫 and we've never articulated that before. and now our talks feel more personal than before but it#was a much bigger conversation for sure (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠) she's out of work this week though and I'm thinking about her.#🚶🏾‍♀️i wanna show her my knife throwing but idkk...... struggling w where the line between professional and personal needs to be 💀#i treat my work friends and my real friends very differently lol. i don't know (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠) aaa#now that i said it it's like a dam of feelings burst ૮ – ﻌ–ა girl...#she has a husband. but he's a scrub. but she's my boss. but we're already so sweet to each other. but i shouldn't. but i want to#aaauuugghghfhfghhghkhkjltlskxkvofjw !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ignore me and my pining (⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠) ♡⁠ im crazy about that girl. i really am huh.. 🚶🏾‍♀️#if you got to hang out with her u would get it.... i can't believe her man ain't shit... pls let me give u my attention#u don't have to be mine nor am i wanting that but let me take care of you (⁠。⁠ノ⁠ω⁠\⁠。⁠) ♡⁠ u work so hard for everyone else#she's fantasizing.... ......... wanting.. contemplating...?..?? no. no....??¿......? ......... 😐 hm#lmao
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girlthativealwaysbeen · 1 month ago
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sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg
#i was justttttt thinking that aw it's so sad that navratri music is playling everywhere and i don't have friends to go with#like last year atleast i had tuition sorta friends but now ive isolated them too it sucks#but i was like well it's okay ill do it when i grow up celebrate every festival i didn't get to in my house because we just never do#and then she calls and she's like let's go this club jahan every year famous hota hai full celebration#and i was like ehh i don't want to i don't even know how to play and ill have to convince dad for raat can't we just#go to a cafe or something dopahar mein uske liye i don't even need permission#and she even agreed but she sounded sad and disappointed about it so i was like well fuck it you want to go club na#and she was like yeahhh so i was like aagh okay and i asked and we're going tomorrow!!!!!#and it's so ridiculous like i just say i don't want to go but it's actually so exciting to go someplace other than a cafe!!!!#and i was complaining to her ki okay ill go but i won't dress up and five mins later me and mumma are making full outfit with dupatta#style decided jewellery she has saved for years that are specifically navratri types and she's like we'll get my blouse altered it's fine#you know being sick has really given me perspective on my parents#im not going to hate my mom anymore i never used to growing up i always thought she was brave but helpless#but a stupid day in 12th i realised when we were talking that technically she COULF get divorced she just#doesn't want to because she'll be alone and she thinks we're growing up and leaving anyway so why should she let go of financial#stability for us. which is wild to me because girl you can't buy anything you want without his permission so i don't understand what's the#point if he's rich or poor but whatever whatever she's been raised this way etc etc#but anyway being sick really made me realise who the real monster is😭 all dad did was shout horribly at me all the time#and was like don't you dare take meds they're fake this is all just junk food stop eating it and you'll be fine. when i was literally#having 103 FEVER.#and mom was the one who was making me different drinks juices cutting up fruits staying with me as i get my blood drawn#checking my fever sote jaagte#like wow i literally wouldn't have gotten better if it wasn't for her and i couldn't believe how attentive and nice she was being#like yes i understand she just thinks this is her duty she's just playing her role a mother a housewife but still#idk i just realized that okay atleast she's good at being a mother dad isn't even that why am i feeling good about him when his love#not even love his politeness is so fucking conditional#and mom healed me even tho i told her about clubbing and drinking lots of alcohol she's kinda against it because she's seen#horrible things in life family yucky men but still she understands ans trusts my sister mostly and know we just do it for fun and she#wasn't even mad!!!!!!! like wow ooay#moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld
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sealeneee · 2 months ago
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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ryebunny · 4 months ago
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Vent in tags because I have nobody to talk to but need to get some feelings out. Sorry. Just ignore please ♡
#i feel like the most unwanted and unloved person on the face of the earth#I've been desperately trying to rekindle a friendship with the person I considered my best friend so I extended one final olive branch and#she just. she took that branch snapped it in half and set it on fire. literally. we were best friends all throughout high school but#at the beginning of this year she replaced me with someone she had just met like I never meant anything to her. and I just#I don't know what I've done wrong. I don't know why I'm so replaceable to people. I don't know I don't know I don't know but it really hurts#I'm nobody's favorite. nobody's first choice. hell probably not even anybody's second third or fourth choice#everybody ALWAYS leaves me eventually and I don't know why. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know how to change it because nobody#ever tells me what I've done wrong. they just suddenly change attitudes or ghost me or abandon me without a care#I've lost literally every single non-familial connection I've ever had. every person I know irl has come and gone for reasons I genuinely#don't know. every online person either leaves me or isn't interested in forming more than a surface level connection. (which. I'm not saying#I'm forcing anyone to. I just crave a deep connection so badly and wish someone was willing to have one with me)#i really should be used to this by now. it's not the first time I've lost someone i thought would be in my life forever. but it really hurts#i need to get used to being alone. i need to stop bearing my entire heart to anyone willing to look at me. but i don't know how to#i just want to be loved#rye's cries#rye rambles
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ereborne · 6 months ago
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Song of the Day: May 14
"Diamond on a Landmine” by Billy Talent
#song of the day#buckle up babes this one's a nice showcase of how my brain retains memories which is to say it's a long path to a close destination#in early 2011 when Leverage's season three had recently wrapped#one of my friends was writing a character study piece for Eliot with a partial focus on his toxic relationship with Damien Moreau#and they made a writing playlist for the fic that included this song#(and also 'Laughing with a Mouth of Blood' by St Vincent. absolutely killer song)#and I like the song but for whatever reason I never looked up anything else by Billy Talent#(I was at the time not spending so much time looking up new music but more just letting it come to me#in 2017 St Vincent came out with 'Los Ageless' and I was like oh I know her!! and I started paying attention to her albums#which is good because then in 2021 she released the Daddy's Home album which has 'Pay Your Way in Pain' /and/ 'The Melting of the Sun'#which are absolutely incredible tracks and my life would've been less without them)#and then today I saw a Call of Duty post with lyrics from Billy Talent's 'Afraid of Heights'#and I didn't recognize the lyrics so I went and pulled up the song as how I do#and as it played I was like. do I know this? no. I know something like this. what is it?#and at first I was convinced I'd just been listening to it but then why couldn't I place it? and then I realized I hadn't heard it recently#but I had been /thinking/ about something /related/ to it--which I had been. sort of. there's a Damien Moreau post queued for tomorrow--#and then in Afraid of Heights the chorus was wrapping up#'you're the only one I'd follow til the end of time / if we fall we fall together baby don't think twice again'#and something clicked and I dragged 'Diamond on a Landmine' up out of the depths of my various-artists folder#it's a great song got an excellent build to it#'alone at last / I can't wait til we're alone at last / all I wanted was a second chance / a second chance / to hold you in my arms at last#and the visual of 'better watch your step / she's a diamond on a landmine' is fantastic#anyway! I made giant scotch eggs with my family's spicy sausage ball mix instead of the normal breading and they're amazing#a good day#two weeks into May already can you imagine
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letbuckfuck · 7 months ago
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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milo-is-rambling · 2 years ago
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Oh okay I've now realized that my last group of friends has completely fucked my ability to form new close relationships or find myself worthy of interacting with people I perceive to be better than me (aka all people)
#just sitting here like :|#i know that feeling of like every time you lose someone in your life a part of you goes with them but I didn't realize how bad it was until#i got into a situation where I tried to make new friends and then it's just my brain wondering when they're gonna turn on me and I'll be#hated by a new group of people and I keep trying so hard to patch things up and make new friends and it's just like every time no one wants#to talk about anything that went wrong they simply want to leave without explanation or sympathy#i feel like I've been alone so long that I forgot how to be a person around other people#I'm wearing my person suit and just keep repeating 'be yourself' but I didn't fucking know who I am when I'm not completely alone drowning#out my thoughts with as much Pinterest music and stupid tv I can handle at once#like ugh I just wish I hadn't fucked everything up so bad with my last few groups of friends#i just want to feel like myself again and everytime i just barely start to feel like myself I find new friends and as I adapt to them they#leave and I'm alone again and I have to find who I really am all over again#why do I change for other people? i don't even realize I'm doing it until it's too late#ughhhhhhh#i am just exhausted#and my head hurts and I feel gross and tired and I want to cry and today is 75 days since my dad died and I've been thinking about him a lot#and I'm just so fucking exhausted and sad and emotional and I just want someone to fucking like and for me to believe them
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