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firequeenofficial · 2 months

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Sunflowers can really spread far in seven months. They now covered the whole server, from one corner of his prison's borders to the other.

Never one to sit still, Scar had repaired his house, then the others' as well. The Scotts and Tots' base looked better than ever (in his opinion), Bdubs' world was back to how it was before he'd burned it down (he really did love it, he'd always admired Bdubs' work), he'd even rebuilt Grian's stupid egg, even though the man had only lived there for a short while.

He spent more time than he'd ever admit at that egg. Something about it, about being surrounded by something Grian had made tickled something in the back of his mind. He'd felt it since the moment he'd arrived in this world - and something told him he'd felt it before, more than once. Like he was missing something, like he'd forgotten something, or someone, important. Some part of him thought if he stayed here, in Grian's egg, where the sensation was strongest, maybe he'd be able to remember it.

---

Grian missed him. He had his own Scar in Hermitcraft, of course, but... it wasn't the same. There was something about the death loops, the urgency, that made his time with Scar feel different, somehow.

But that was gone now, and wouldn't come back for a while. The latest loop had taken a lot out of him, and he needed time to refresh before he could set up the next one. He knew that time was important, he knew the best thing to allow it to come sooner was to rest, to focus on Hermitcraft and his friends there. And yet, he felt himself drawn back time and again.

Finally, after a long session fishing - which was working wonders for his power regeneration, by the way - he gave in to the urge. What harm could a small jump do? It wasn't like he was making a whole new world for this excursion, and he was only going to walk around a little bit, maybe lie down in his, Etho's and Cleo's base, perhaps he'd even sit in the Secret Keeper's shadow for a moment.

It wouldn't take long.

---

Scar spent a lot of time, when he wasn't building or farming, screaming at the Secret Keeper to let him out. It never listened, of course. Only stared with that cold, uncaring face, the symbol carved into the stone glowing slightly. No matter how many times he hit the succeed, fail or reroll buttons, it only ever gave him the same result - a task book reading, "Win Secret Life". And no matter how many he insisted that he had won, that he'd killed the few allies he'd managed to keep, that he was alone and scared and he wanted to go home, wherever that was, it never cared. It never changed.

That was where he was now. Curled up against the fail button, throat raw and eyes red. And always, always, that knowledge that something was wrong, that someone who meant something wasn't here.

He was just preparing to get to his feet, ready to trudge back to Trader Scar's - what a laughable name that was now - when that cursed symbol started glowing a bright purple.

Scar yelped and scrambled back, heart pounding. The glowing grew and grew until he was blinded. And with the glowing, a pulsing sound that pressed in on his ears like the air pressure had suddenly skyrocketed. He clapped his hands over his ears, groaning.

Whatever was happening, he was sure it couldn't possibly be good.

Then it stopped. The glowing, the pulsing, everything. Scar tried to blink the blackness from his eyes, tried to shake the ringing from his ears.

Just as he started getting some hearing back - but still very little sight - a wonderfully familiar voice said, "You're still here?"

---

Grian should have known it was a bad idea. He should have known better than to return to the scene of his latest crime. The other Watchers would have his wings if they knew he'd done this, but until the very moment he arrived, he hadn't cared.

Then he saw Scar.

He looked so much worse than when he'd last seen him - or this version of him. His cloak was torn and wrapped around his waist, revealing a half-open shirt that was simultaneously dirty and sun-bleached. His shoes were gone, his trousers clumsily hacked off halfway down his calves, leaving his feet and ankles bare and unprotected. He'd lost his beloved hat during the loop, yet Grian still pictured Scar with it; it was still gone. In it's place were flowers - sun flowers, the same as the plants that stretched as far as they eye could see. At his waist were more flowers. Not sunflowers. Poppies and lavenders. And every part of uncovered skin - which was quite a lot - was bright red. Grian hadn't seen Scar this sun-burnt since...

No. He wouldn't think about that. He couldn't think about that.

Looking at him now, it was clear Scar had given up caring. Of course he did, why wouldn't he. There was no one left to care for.

Scar was blinking blindly in his direction, not seeing him, and rubbing his ears like they hurt.

The question fell from his lips before he could stop it. "You're still here?"

Stupid question. Obviously he was still here.

Grian felt sick. It had been months. Stars, Scar - playful, cheeky, funny, amazing Scar - had been here, all by himself, for more than half a year.

This was his fault.

He should have turned around and left before he could do something stupid. Instead, he found himself rooted to the spot, staring at the man who had once meant so much to him, the man he had missed so much more than he could ever admit to anyone, even himself. He couldn't move, couldn't leave. Couldn't do anything other than stare.

---

It hadn't rained since he'd killed Pearl. The storm that came with that final lightening strike was over quickly, and the sun hadn't stopped shining since, except when the moon that usually brought some sort of comfort came out to stare uncaringly down. There were never any clouds, any wind was a light breeze at best, and the nights were almost as sweltering as the days.

Something about that was familiar - just on the edge of memory, on this side of forgetting. And yet, he couldn't reach it as hard as he tried.

He'd tried to bring rain. He'd died so many times since he'd lost Pearl, but the lightening never struck, the rain never came. He just woke up in his bed, as dry and burnt and alone as ever.

And now that voice. That damned voice. It made his heart stop cold, even as it soared.

What was he doing here? How did he get there? This shouldn't be possible. He couldn't be here. Not after so long. He was just imagining things, his desperate mind making up the one person he wanted to see more than anyone else.

And yet, as his vision finally started returning, there he was. Grian. Staring at him like he was seeing a ghost, a pair of large coloured wings at his back, his sweater whole and clean and not at all like the tattered thing he was wearing when Gem had killed him.

(He'd never tell anyone that he had saved that sweater when he'd buried Grian alongside all his other friends.)

But still, even looking so different, there was no denying that this was Grian.

That stupid feeling pushed forward even further. He was missing something. It was starting to drive him insane.

Finally, he found his voice, "Grian?"

"Scar," Grian breathed.

Scar felt like he could cry. He'd been alone for so long, and he felt like if he made the wrong movement or the wrong sound, Grian would disappear again. He didn't know if he could abide any more isolation, not after even this short moment of companionship.

But then his body took over, and he was crawling, then heaving himself to his feet, then running. He threw his arms around Grian, picking the smaller man up and spinning him around, so relieved to see someone else that all restraint went out the window.

Grian's wings flared as he let out a yelp that was almost more of a squawk, and Scar hurriedly put him down.

"How are you here?" he asked. Now that he'd made the first move, all the fear of doing or saying the wrong thing went out the window.

"I-" Grian just blinked up at him, unable to form a full sentence. "I don't-" He swallowed, then tried again. "It's... a long story."

And Scar found he didn't care about the non-answer.

"How- how have you been?" Grian asked, then pulled a face, like he knew it was a dumb question.

Scar thought about that one, wanting to give the most honest answer he could while still making light of the situation. He couldn't say he was good or fine or alright, because he was far from all three. He couldn't say he was coping, becuase he didn't think screaming at a statue could be classed as coping. He couldn't say he was busy, because he'd finished all the work there was to do. Finally, he settled on, "I'm alive."

Grian flinched, like he'd hurt him.

Something was off.

---

"I'm alive," Scar said.

And Grian couldn't help but flinch. Because he still saw Scar dead at his feet when he slept. He still saw splashes of red whenever he saw sand. He still struggled to even punch Scar while acting normal.

He could only be grateful Scar couldn't remember that. A small comfort, knowing Scar would never look at him and hate him for that moment that made Grian hate himself so often.

Scar was looking at him like he was trying to figure something out. His everpresent smirk seemed strained. Finally, he admitted, "Something's wrong."

"What is it?" Grian asked, because he couldn't think straight enough to come up with a different response.

"I don't know. That's the problem." Scar started pacing up and down in front of him, seemingly unbothered about the Secret Keeper staring down at them, listening to every word. "I've just had this feeling ever since Pearl... since I won. Like I'm missing something. Someone. From a past life. But I don't know who."

Grian's heart clenched.

Scar was right. Something was very wrong. Scar should have been transported back to his own world after he won, just like all the others. But besides that, he shouldn't have been regaining his past memories like this. He was only supposed to retain the memories of this loop, not the others.

He shouldn't have been able to remember Grian, even if he didn't know it was Grian he was remembering.

He tried to think of something to say, but Scar pushed on, like he'd been waiting to say this for a while.

"I can't remember who it is, I can't remember anything about that, but I know they were there. I know they're not there anymore. I lost them, and I should remember but I can't. I can't remember their laugh or their voice or their smile or their face or their clothes.

"I don't even remember what they were to me! Were we friends? More? Less? Did we hate each other? Did we even know each other? We must have, right? We must have known each other, for me to feel like this, but I don't know!"

The more Scar spoke, the more frustrated he became, and the fast he paced.

"I don't know if they were a man or a woman or something else! I don't know if we spent every second together or only a few! I don't know their name or how they looked at me or how I looked at them! And the more I think about it, the more it makes me mad!

"And the more I think about it, the more I think... someone took them from me. Not just the person, but the memories. Someone stole my memories of this person, of a lifetime I know I had but can't reach. They're there, they're right there, I can feel them, but I can't get to them and it's driving me insane! I want them back! I want my memories back! I want my person back!

"All I remember is waking up in the stupid world with everyone else, but there has to have been something before that, right? That can't be all there is! But I can't remember, and I want to, but I can't!"

Scar paused for breath, and Grian took the moment to whisper, "No. You don't."

Scar stopped short. He stopped pacing, almost stopped breathing.

He saw the moment the words registered in Scar's brain, the fear and confusion and desperation, and the beginning of anger.

"What do you mean?" Scar asked, his voice trembling and uncertain, like he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

Grian looked away, not meeting his eyes. He turning instead to stare up at the Secret Keeper.

Why? He silently asked the statue. Why would you do this to me? Why are you punishing me like this?

The Secret Keeper, of course, remained silent.

"What did you mean by that, Grian?" Scar pushed.

Without turning, Grian said quietly, "Those memories were taken for a reason. They're not... you don't want them. Trust me."

"You took them." It wasn't a question, and Grian didn't know how he'd made the leap, but he didn't ask.

Instead, he just looked down, his back still turned away. "Yes."

And then Scar was screaming. "How could you do that?! How could you do that to me?! I thought we were friends!!"

"Exactly. I- I didn't want that to change. I didn't want to lose you. If you knew everything I'd done... I couldn't do that to you."

Grian couldn't see Scar's face, but he could picture it just fine, just like he could picture all of Scar's expressions. He could see in his mind's eye the way Scar's eyes widened, the way his smirk fell as he bared his teeth, the way his eyebrows furrowed. He could see the way Scar unconsciously curled his hands into fists and the way he rose up onto the balls of his feet. He wished he didn't know all of this as much as he did. He hated himself for deserving it.

"Give them back!" Scar shouted. "Give them back, they're mine! You have no right to take them! What, just because you were scared?! Because you couldn't face whatever tiny mistakes you made?!"

"They... they weren't exactly tiny. I had to wipe everyone, it was the only way. If you remembered... it would have been too much for you. I was trying to protect you."

"Look at me," Scar ordered, his voice dropping to a growl. When Grian didn't move, he went back to screaming. "LOOK AT ME!"

Slowly, Grian turned, letting Scar see the tears in his eyes, the way he couldn't lift his gaze off the floor, the way his hands and feet and wings were never still for longer than half a second. It didn't seem to alleviate his anger at all, of course not. Grian hadn't expected him to.

"Give them back," he snarled. "I don't care what you did, or what anyone else did. I want to remember." His voice broke. "Please."

And finally, finally, Grian met his eyes. Swallowed once. Twice. He didn't want to hide anything from Scar, but the thought of what the other man would do if he knew everything, if he remembered what he was to him... it terrified him. But the sight of Scar like this hurt him even more. So he whispered, "I'm sorry," and raised a hand.

---

It was so overwhelming, having so many lifetimes' worth of memories rush into his mind all at once. He staggered back, gasping, and the back of his legs hit the reroll button. He grasped the stone the pillar letting it keep him up as images flashed across his eyes.

A desert. A mountain. A bamboo sanctuary. A clock tower.

A bee. A horse. A giant cat. A llama.

Grian in a poncho over a white shirt. Grian in a torn sweater with a necklace of hearts around his neck. Grian with sugarcane in his shirt pocket. Grian in a black leather jacket and sunglasses.

Grian. Everywhere. Everything. He was... everything.

Grian. This whole time, it was Grian - his Grian - that he was missing.

Grian standing in the desert. Grian standing at the foot of a tower. Grian standing at the top of a wooden cake. Grian standing at the end of a wheat-covered bridge.

Grian with bloodsoaked hands around Scar's neck. Grian with an extra life he'd stolen from Scar. Grian losing both their lives for nothing. Grian shoving his sword into Scar's back.

Grian telling everyone not to trust him. Grian seeking him out for fights. Grian cheating on him with BigB. Grian breaking their alliance.

Grian turning on his over and over and over again.

And yet.....

Grian taking care of him and protecting him. Grian seeking him out to hang out with. Grian trying to keep Scar alive and healthy. Grian choosing him and his family to ally with.

Grian smiling at him. Grian laughing with him. Grian holding his hand as they ran from enemies. Grian giving him their resources to trade with. Grian patching him up after a battle. Grian's voice. Grian's face. Grian's hands. Grian's clothes. Grian's wings - Scar remembers those now.

"Do you see why I wanted to keep these from you?" Grian whispered.

Scar looked up at him - oh stars, he hadn't realised just how much he'd missed him - and saw him refusing to meet his eyes again.

He didn't know what to think. All those horrible things Grian did. All those amazing things he did. How was he supposed to weigh them against each other? How could he know which was bigger? Which was more important?

"There's one more thing," Grian breathed, closing his eyes like he couldn't bear to see Scar's reaction to the next revelation. "I- It's my fault. That you're here. That everyone keeps coming here. These loops... they're my fault."

Scar's heart sank. Oh. "Why?"

"I just... I wanted to see you all." Grian admitted. "I wanted to... I don't know. I wanted to see you. Not just like in Hermitcraft, but... it's different, here. I can let myself care a bit more, because it's only for a short time, and everyone's just going to forget anyway. It doesn't matter."

"It doesn't matter?" Scar thought of the desert, their desert. He thought of his Jellie-panda sanctuary. He thought of his mountain house and his clock tower. He thought not only of Grian, but of Joel, of Pearl, of Cleo and Bdubs and Etho. His friends, his family. And now that he remembered them, he missed them even more than before. Maybe that was what Grian meant when he said he was trying to protect them. But... "How can you say that? Of course it matters! We matter! You can't just erase us and pretend it never happened!"

"I could never pretend it never happened! Trust me, if I could, I would! If I could wipe my own memory, make it so I couldn't remember any of it either, I would do it in a heartbeat!"

That took Scar back. He hadn't expected that at all.

"You think it's fun, seeing my friends die, over and over again in my sleep?" It was Grian's turn to go on a roll now. "You think it's fun not being able to go in a desert again? You think I want to feel like I'm going to be sick every time I see a panda, or a spyglass, or a long field of wheat, or a path in the sky?

"I wish there was another way to get you all together that doesn't end in all of us dead, but there isn't! At least this way, we respawn. At least this way, we can keep seeing each other again.

"I tried another way - trust me, I tried. I just barely managed to shut it down in time, before They destroyed it. I came this close to losing everyone permanently. I won't risk that again. This is the only way."

He trailed off. It almost sounded like he was trying to convince himself, more than Scar.

"Who are They?" Scar asked softly.

Grian stiffened, then glanced over his shoulder at the Secret Keeper. Scar looked too. Did its symbol glow brighter? Was it humming softly? Did it seem almost... alive?

"Let's get out of here," Grian said instead of answering.

"Oh." Scar just stood there watching him for a second, his mind whirling too fast for him. Eventually, he managed to offer, "We can go to my base."

"I actually meant a little further." Grian managed a small smirk. "Are you ready to go home?"

The words were like the finest music to his ears. He glanced over his shoulder at the massive sunflower field the world had become, then grinned. "I'm so ready."

---

The Watchers would have his wings for taking this punishment for the crime of caring and making something good from it, but he didn't care.

Scar knew who he was. He knew what he was. He knew what he'd done. And he didn't hate him. He still wanted to be his friend. Maybe, with time, he'd be willing to attempt more.

But for now, Grian was happy with this.

He took Scar's hand, his heart soaring at the smile the other man gave him, and flapped his wings, dragging them both through the multiverse.

Back home.

This turned out a lot longer than I originally planned it, but man was it fun. Thanks to the wonderful @kays-artstuff for the idea and for deciding I was worthy to give it life! Everyone go check out the amazing animatic that inspired this! Scar's appearance came from Hoffen's wonderful skin after Scar posted the tweet that altered my brain chemistry, go give them some love too!

#Ashlley writes #Desert Duo #Scar #Grian #Secret Life #goodtimeswithscar #trafficshipping #life series #angst

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