#I don’t want it right next to my head
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I definitely think will enjoy fall/winter and dark days if I properly revamp my room but other than getting a new chair and maybe a new desk idk what else to do :(
#my room it’s big enough for how often I rearrange it lol#but I’m definitely moving my bed back to the otherside#and switch around my tv/bookshelf#I just wish I could put my desk somewhere else#I don’t want it right next to my head#but I honestly hate when that the only other option is to make it#the bottom part of the u formation :(#life.docx
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;; ☁️
#I don’t know where to talk about this so here I am ahhhhhhh anyway I’m worried that he doesn’t#want to talk to me anymore/ which is hopefully me being overreactive#and I don’t think I came off clingy at all I really hope I didn’t and I haven’t been texting him a tremendous amount also because#I’ve been waiting for him to text me back sometimes?#and idk maybe he was busy yesterday and doing things but hhhhhhh god#I hate being nervewracked by this stuff especially after feeling SO happy and grateful#and just like overwhelmed with emotions#the last text was a question I sent last night and nothing now and yet I’m a total loser#he deleted/hid his bumble profile so that’s a good thing right? because he’s not interested in anyone else#but I’m paranoid about a crash after that high about not being able to have good things#and I just need the reassurance that it’s okay and he does like me#because he’s flying away soon I think next weekend and he was the one who said we should hang out again#before he leaves#anyway this is what the inside of my head looks like right now. sad and nervous and anxious and needy and unsure#personal
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Happy Birthday @cashweasel beloved, have a soft kiyazan non confession confession, love you and these two idiots sm and I hope your day was amazing
#my art#kiyazan#oc: Kiara#Yazan Hadidi#certified blorbo in law#i had to beat art with a stick for the whole day over this but I love them sm#what the fuck even is night time lighting i dont know i put all my eggs into the golden hour basket#anyway#kiara is 100000% feeling jus a bit nervous#tapping her fingers nd resting her head on her knees ab it#but i mean how else do u react to someone you love but haven’t really told reading your feelings right next to you FDFFSDF#reading ur feelings in a letter where btw u still don’t explicitly confess#shes still v :heart eyes: tho#she cant help it#i thought ab living yazan some mirror dice FDSFSDFDS but also it would make more sense if this was her car considering birthday surprise#shes just passenger princess for the ride back lol#she deserves a break from driving i dunno#anyway i considered the dice then i was like well I want it to be a gift from someone bc OBviously and so i didnt put one#OMG it should be from Karima jus sayin#maybe she doesnt have it yet#ok jus imagine the fuzzy mirror dice XD#anyway happy birthday bestie#i know its not the day of for u anymore but I wanted it to be pretty for u
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guys i really fear i did my big one here i finish binding my book it just came out the press and it’s not perfect but oh my god. it’s phenomenal.
#MHMMMM#THIS IS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE#god im so talented#LIKE I JUST MADE A WHOLE ASS BOOK?? WITH MY HANDS???#like a HARDCOVER BOUND FUCKING BOOK??#AND I MADE IT WITH MY HANDS?#dude give me a box cutter and a ruler and a crafting cutting board and I can take over the world I’m telling you#that’s essentially every tool I used to make this#I have no idea what I’m going to bind next bc I’m so exciting#probably like some blank sketch books just so I don’t waste money on ink and stuff#cuz I would bind my own fic but also like eh#BUT IF U WANT ME TO BIND UR FIC FOR U…..#sometimes I be forgetting that I just like can make things tho#like I crocheted a blanket this year and I was like that’s right physical crafts exist#this was in my head and now I’m Holding It#is such a gratifying feeling#and I love my technology art mediums too but something about physical crafts just hits different#mattie talks
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The thing is, I’m well-aware there’s great tv out there right now. I even follow and enjoy my own fair share of prestige television.
But god doesn’t it all kinda feel like it’s starting to become the same thing? So many feel like they exist for the purpose of critical acclaim and awards. There’s so much money poured into these shows and they’re good but they feel like the whole point behind them is to make money.
Ofmd was a show that was so wholly and sincerely itself. It didn’t box itself into being just one thing and it took risks. It also had fun. I just don’t feel like enough shows have fun anymore. Not enough of them feel heartfelt. Even the best of the best television is starting to feel soulless to me because I’m being told the same stuff is good over and over again.
Ofmd wasn’t the last of its kind, but the number of shows doing something different right now is dwindling. And it’s depressing as hell.
(Gif by @wondersmith-and-sons)
#this isn’t even factoring in what it means for queer stories!!!!!!!#our flag means death#ofmd#don’t mind me I’m just depressed#I’ve wanted to write for tv for so many years of my life and seeing what’s happening to it right now#coupled with AI#has left me feeling so disenchanted#tune in next time when I write the essay I’ve had in my head for months about the current state of comedy television as a genre
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hey @sunnyinajar, I took your boys for the night, hope you don’t mind
(one of these days I’m gonna learn how to draw foxy so i can make two idiots kiss)
#sorry to bother#don't mind me#crappy doodles#Was scrollin through the llrh tag yesterday for arts cuz I wanted to draw the guy#I think I made them too serious but hush I’ll get them right next time#that is if you don’t mind me drawing them#I just think they’re very neat#Also as always your sun is stuck in my head and will not leave#Anywho yeah
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i wish i was normal w affection and intimacy like i do crave it now and then but it also feels so alien, uncomfy and sometimes scary
#n like ive hooked up plenty times but it just doesn’t feel right it feels so unnatural and im just in my head and super aware#or not aware at all#i just feel v disconnected#but i crave hugging and kissing and sex bc it’s gen felt like so long since i last was affectionate w someone#ik it’s defo trauma related i mean ive always been uncomfy with touch and hugging#unless i absolutely trust someone n find them attractive#but even then it comes and goes cos 1 min im okay w it n love being spooned etc next im completely repulsed and don’t want anyone near me#i also just worry abt making other ppl uncomfortable / not being good enough lollll idk#i can’t hug friends or family it makes me so uncomfy#i can only hug ppl im into#n ive forced myself but i hate having to force it bc i feel broken#n when ive hooked up w ppl i don’t know it’s just not right like ive had good sex but im just not fully there and anxious#n ive hooked up w close friends where i felt safe and trusted but even tht made me feel hyper aware and repulsed sometimes#but also initiating affection just doesn’t come natural to me like ive big spooned n stuff bc i have to compromise but i don’t feel anythin#n tht makes me feel like a bad person bc i just dunno how to be human w tht stuff lol#journal
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gonna be real I am already so over this whole medical issue thing
#I just want to be able to sleep at night and not feel dead all the time#next stop the cardiologist wahoooo maybe I can snag myself a pots diagnosis. hopefully#really hoping it is pots actually because then I won’t keep worrying I’m just being lazy or whatever#but other than that things are still not poggers#my neurologist is being very unhelpful ima be real#oh you can’t fall asleep? try meditating :)#girl I can fall asleep I can’t STAY asleep and I’ve TRIED that and it does NOTHING it just makes it harder to sleep actually#one of these days I will be unstoppable. one of these days……..#it’s okish right now because I really don’t have any real responsibilities but VERY SOON I will have to start driving and working and stuff#and I really want to be. you know. not feeling dead when I do those things#anyway ow my head hurts again#which reminds me of something else my neurologist said that pissed me off but I’m not gonna go into that it ain’t worth it
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Huhhhh I know defeating the king is going to be a fake ending based on posts I’ve read but I’m fighting him and I’m only on act 2/4??? To be fair 1 went quick so it may be imbalanced but it makes it seem like I have not gotten far with my multiple days of staying up way too late playing cause I have time now
#in stars and time#I should probably maintag my liveblogging incase the person I know is interested in the game doesn’t want spoilers#this is a post i made#like what’s happening in those other loops there’s only like 5 settings here and most of them are the castle#I’m also gonna do some theorizing/going insane in the tag’s instead of making another post#that country to the north that everyone forgot Has to be important right it spjvdoiveupb picks my brain#and that language that is stated multiple times exists but makes your head hurt has to be the language of that country and the openphrase fo#that one door has to be the name of it or something it’s gotta be it was my first thought upon seeing it#and also siffrins memory issues gotta be because they’re from that country also like can anyone hear me#oh also the kings do you remember is making me think he was the king of that country#(do not tell me about if these are talked about more I don’t want spoilers for once)#(man indie timeloop games and making me go insane theorizing. well db isn’t a game yet but)#also looking through the walkthrough huh wag the other bomb component is back at the start!?!?o(-( okay I guess I’m going far back next time
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no yeah I’m getting def getting reassessed for adhd because this ain’t it, chief
#sillyposting#2 more friends just told me I sound like them when they’re off their meds. cool cool cool#my mom said today I make her anxious because she worries about my deadlines more than I do lol#being a student again has really made me say yeah girl you really ARE a hot mess#unfortunately my next appointment with my NP is in a month and they don’t have anything sooner#just refer me somewhere now mannn I wanna get on a waitlist 😓#I’m genuinely in distress trying to focus on important tasks due to boredom#I could be writing rn *buzzer noise* I could just do this tomorrow *buzzer noise*#I already have 30 tasks overdue. what’s one more? what’s the rush? *buzzer noise*#making a to-do list is boring and also scary therefore I refuse to do it *buzzer noise*#I could be sleeping right now *buzzer noise*#I could be researching and writing a paper on a special interest right now *buzzer noise*#I have no concept of what all I need to get done but it’s okay bc my happiness right now is more important#*buzzer noise*#I have no clue what any of my classmates are talking about#because I haven’t kept up with the readings and assignments like they did#but that’s okay I’ll catch up later *buzzer noise*#I’ll take a break and come back. I’ll take a break and come back. I’ll take a break and come back. *buzzer noise*#I’ll start this task and switch to this next one and man I’m bored so I’ll go to the next thing I need to do and man this is boring too#*buzzer gets stuck*#tired of life being one never-ending game of catch-up. I just want to do things without needing a gun to my head#I’ve BEEN saying saying this since high school
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crazy how if you google “how many job applications per week” (which you probably shouldn’t google anyway) you get one result saying doing 2-3 a day is good, one result saying doing 5-10 a day is good, and one result saying doing 11-20 a day is good. So basically, do whatever the hell you want forever
#my thing is. HOW many of these jobs are real. HOW many of these places are actually hiring#one of the 2 i did today made you answer like 15 different questions about whether you’ve ever been late for work. ummmm.no#my plan is to apply at least 20 jobs over the next ummm week or two or so#and keep in mind these are all like nothingburger minimum wage retail jobs designed for stupid individuals such as myself#and if NONE of these places want me then i will know that the job market right now is probably bad for realsies#and so between like september 14-21 i will know if i should be looking for a place to stay for october#or looking for a plane ticket back so i don’t waste money chasing something that won’t happen#and IF it’s option B then i will make my brother hire me at dunkin for a few months until a) the job market improves#or b) i have enough money saved up that i could convince some landlord to rent to me while unemployed#because my thing about the money is like. i still have everything i saved when i worked at target#and i still remember what i endured in order to save all that money. so i absolutely am not dipping into that money#until i KNOW my life is headed in the right direction#and also when i got the job at target that was literally the 4th job i applied to in like 3 months#so if i apply to like 2 dozen jobs and none of them pan out then i’ll Know the timing is wrong. the market is bad#anyway pay me no mind i’ve only been back on the west coast 24 hours#i just had to go ahead and think through every possibility before my head asploded. Her ass did not fucking sleep last night your honor
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i am the nosy anon from yesterday and firstly i am so glad that i helped you find something!! how wonderful!! secondly i did some digging (typed morgan frost girlfriend into the tumblr.com search bar which is really what i probably should have done in the first place so. my bad) and the girlfriend is called taylor!
conclusion to the saga, thank you anon!!! sharing this for the sake of anyone else who was curious… they are as of july 7 dating lmao BUT allow me some points for accuracy here because taylor is definitely a different person than who i was thinking of 🤡
#xoxo THANK YOU found her immediately and she is also a public insta content influencer so i have no qualms about posting her name#she’ll appreciate the site traffic. i also was fully capable of searching tumblr & simply did not even think of it lmao but!!! win is a win#nosy enjoyers UNITE 🫶 this reminds me of the time when i was like i KNOW anna and mo are dating way before it was official#and to this day that’s probably one of the most unhinged red string series of screenshots and evidence timelines i’ve created as legitimate#theories i believe. and we were RIGHT.#also the wag content today has been superior because dylan and kenzy just released bts wedding pictures from last year… gorgeous#and chloe and scott stealing the show at sanny’s wedding… katie making yorke dance… i don’t want to get philosophical with it because#i already kinda broached it so i will simply say: good for them in my paper doll brain may it be influenced or not by reality#these guys are all just little dudes i’ve made up in my head. where’d the tags about borde go that say that 😭 you’ll also see in next ask#liv in the replies#morgan frost#<- is relevant by virtue of having a girlfriend and by being my cringe fail weed gf i love and care about#anyway in nosy(affectionate) fashion i think they started dating in late march &p sure frosty got single in jan/feb so there’s the timeline#i am willing to admit when i am wrong!! don’t know if she couldn’t make it to the wedding or more likely frosty was not given a +1 (v fair)
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Doing my sexy addiction-prevention thing where if I ever think “can I stop x substance for two weeks?” I try to stop for two weeks.
#it’s cause addiction runs in the family baybeeee#I don’t think of this phrase frequently#but I do find myself thinking it when#for example#I have edibles and a drink 5/6 nights a week for two weeks :|#then that thought pops into my head and I’m like ‘oh nards I gotta beat myself at my own game again’#(the game is going sober on whatever substance I think the thought abt for two weeks)#(and if I’m not able to do that I have to immediately tell a friend/family about the challenge. like cause & effect I have to do it right#away or even if I’m feeling v strong cravings)#has worked so far tho!!#ik a lot of friends who have become daily stoners and don’t feel good abt it and have bad times quitting#mypost#substances#weed#alcohol#posting this bc I’m irritated that I thought that phrase yesterday smh#*I guess if anyone else wants to try this too: I have some flexibility with the rules. like if I think the phrase I can set a date in the#in the next day or so to stop. it doesn’t have to be that night.#also if I have a fun night out planned and haven’t gone out for myself in weeks/months (a frequent occurance alas) then getting nicked is g#but only once in the 2 week sober period
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I made myself eggs :) and a London fog with my apple pie honey as the sweetener :) (still trying to get it right bc I prefer the ones I get at cafes still)
(It’s nice to at least on one of my days off have like. A slow start to my morning, using the good milk frother if I can bc I’ll presumably have time to wash it. And have like a breakfast outside if possible :) which I am just sitting on the steps outside.) (ive simply made my peace. Perhaps im weird. But I am free. And it’s not a crime to eat outside. It’s nice) (like. People in the semi hedged in sometimes gated communities often have table and chair sets to eat on their front porch. If I’m on the steps or a step stool or the stone tiles or the ground it’s still all good) (we do not have space to both have the path to the front door and a table set. Not would we buy one. But I got a free 6’ folding table that I intended to use a lot more but sadly there’s usually a car in the carport where I’d set it up. Outdoor covered spaces my BELOVED!)
Eh. Whatever. I’ll just do what I feel like and what I’m up to. (A bit sad I’m not going on an impulse trip to get another tattoo tomorrow but ah well. I haven’t messaged the artist and I need to pay for school anyway :P) (…unless my friend IS free at a time that works that I could go get the tattoo anyway… 👀 but no. Unless. Anyway)
#meds later.#food#if I need something else I might make my garlic bread into mushroom chili oil French toast?#good pics#shatters’ fragments#just. my accidental nap last night FUCKED ME up#even though it’s the perfect day for a bike ride (as long as I can refill the tire) I am. unsure if I’ll be able to#my hip wasn’t too happy to let me stand (but I’m up and around now) and I might have to drive later bc I said I might take mum on an outing#to a local ish farm stand (it’s honestly really lovely I just don’t want to drive 5-7 days per week :()#however that farm stand is MUCH TOO FAR for me to bike (especially once we purchase vegetables) and it would be a stretch to bus as well :(#we’ll see how my head is doing later#even though I’m on my phone now (and I know I shouldn’t be but dignity of risk and all that I guess 😭) it’s still better than if I stay down#the kids are out of school now and honestly they’re quieter than they could be but it still. is right next door#anyway#I could’ve probably gone to the field but I didn’t want to go so far.#bugs#bees#yay honeybees
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update on my brother 💃
#tw for medical talk and death and such#there’s bleeding in his brain and they want to do emergency surgery on him but it would require a blood transfusion#and my family’s religion does not permit that so without surgery they’re giving him medication to reduce swelling#and there’s a ten percent chance he does not go brain dead#if he does survive this i’ll be shocked but i suppose we’ll see in the next few days#i’m expected to go see him in the hospital because everyone is there right now#but i would rather die#they’ll never understand if i don’t though so#i’ll probably go tonight just for appearances#and so my mother doesn’t hold it over my head and i don’t have to endure more gossip#and. i mean. to support them. not him. but them.#i don’t know man it feels like a part of me is losing something if i go#like i’m acquiescing#it’s strange to have hope that this nightmare will finally be over#and it’s strange to visit your abuser in the hospital and put on a face for everyone#i dunno. anyways#anyways.txt#delete later
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it’s actually insane to think about how fast getting the fuck away from anti ideology helped alleviate my pocd specifically. like, obviously it didn’t cure it, i still have intrusive thoughts of that nature from time to time, but constantly being vigilant that i was consuming fiction in the “wrong” way was so detrimental to me and unlearning the idea that reading or writing a damn fic was the same as actually abusing a child helped me out SO much when it comes to csa related intrusive thoughts. like, i’m no longer a panicking suicidal mess when i have them because i think i’m doomed to hurt a child, and that’s a good thing.
#and tbh this is why i hate when people try to ‘both sides’ this issue#not that there aren’t bad actors on both sides but anti rhetoric is INHERENTLY reactionary and harmful#calling myself anti aligned was actively bad for my mental health. it fed so easily into my hatred for myself and the rest of the world.#i was fucking miserable. i was a hateful little asshole who constantly felt like i had to toe the line of acceptable#otherwise it would be MY head on the chopping block next#it’s not a fucking healthy way to live. don’t tell me they ‘have good points’ because they fucking don’t#their rhetoric is anti science and closer to conservative than they realize#or want to admit#and in this age where the right wants to censor everything that’s outside of the norm it’s even more dangerous than ever to play into this#idea that some censorship is good actually#sorry for the rant i just. i made myself mad AFDJHSISHSJ#this is why i do care about ‘shipping discourse’ even if it seems frivolous to others it fucking MATTERS#anyway#proship#marshy speaks
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