#I didn't reread before I posted

[person4924]

Sirius Black - Comfort Crowd: An Essay

TW: depictions of child abuse and blood (not too specific I don't think)

Notes: Bold = Lyrics from the song Regular = Explanation 

I’m using They/Them pronouns for Siri too in this! (just in case there was any confusion with grammar or anything)

Comfort Crowd. Somehow even the title holds meaning to Sirius?? I have no idea, maybe I’m utterly insane. But at first glance, if you hear the term comfort crowd you might think, like a crowd you find comfort in. Like a group of friends you feel safe with, and in the song, it may mean that (or not idk). But in the context of Sirius Black it means finding comfort in the crowd (I switched the words you see!). Which means that they just find comfort in being in a crowd, being around people. 

“This hurt that I’m holding’s getting heavy. But I’ma keep a smile on my shoulders ‘til I’m sweaty” This line is so Sirius in so many ways. They will physically glue a smile on their face until it rips their face off to anymore. They will crack jokes until their mouth is physically glued shut. 

“Beggin’ on my knees screamin’, ‘someone come and help me’. But by the time they’re there, I’ve already hid the body.” When their parents would curse them, they would scream for help, even though they knew (falsely) that no one could hear them (Regulus always could). Then, when they would inevitably lose consciousness, their parents would hide them in the cellar until they woke up (or would keep them there for days as a punishment sometimes). 

“My breath’s getting short and I’m unsteady, wellin’ up in tears as I lay upon your belly. Telling you, ‘I’m fine I don’t really need nobody’ But you say through a sigh, that I said that lie already.” WOLFSTAR. So whenever Sirius would wake up from nightmares and have panic attacks, Remus would see (they’d be sleeping together so it was hard to miss) and Remus, being Remus, would try to comfort Sirius but then Siri would say the lie, “I’m fine, I don't really need nobody.” I have the headcanon that when Sirius is upset or is being comforted, they would (sort of purposely sort of not) make their grammar really bad so it would seem like it's less important and they didn’t really care. Anyways, this shows in this statement. Because in general, they would have impeccable grammar (because of how they were taught as a kid). So Remus in maybe first or second year noticed this (his hard-crushing/denial era!) and took note (“They see right through me they see right through me…). So then whenever Sirius would start talking with really bad grammar or anything, Remus would notice they were upset and/or were lying. So then Remus would say, “You said that lie already” and sigh because, Why couldn’t they just talk about it? Then obviously Sirius would take this as Remus getting annoyed with them and not wanting them anymore, and they would get defensive (somewhat deflecting) and then ask “What was that about?” and then would end in an argument of some kind.

“I just needed company now. Yeah, I just needed someone around. Yeah, I don’t care what song that we play. Or mess that we make. Just company now.” Sirius was always a people person. Ever since they were little, they could dazzle the whole room and were always the center of attention at fancy dinner parties (whether the attention was good or bad). But as they got older, they craved the attention. They needed it to be okay. If people weren’t paying attention to them, then why were they there? If people were there, around them, paying attention to them, then they could pretend. It would be okay. If they could smile and crack jokes, they were still alive. And if they were still alive, then that was enough. That’s all they needed. Sirius wouldn’t care what they did, how they did it, how much trouble they got into, just as long as they were around people. 

“We rot, thinkin’ lots about nothing. Yeah, I could spend a lifetime just sitting here talkin’” In the early years, before the war, before everything. Like in 1-3 year, they would all just sit, listen to music, and talk about nothing but what seemed like everything at the time. And as Sirius sat there, they thought they could spend a lifetime just sitting there, talking about nothing and everything at once. 

“And even if I cry all over your body, you don’t really mind. Say you like your shirt soggy.” Once again, WOLFSTAR. So sometimes when Sirius would have nightmares, they would just start crying. Silently, always silent. But Remus (being the lightest sleeper ever) would always wake up anyway, and he would just hold Sirius’s head into his chest and let them cry. I don’t think Remus ever literally said the words “I like my shirt soggy” but I think this line just kind of symbolizes what this means and is kind of an unspoken thing. Like, cry into my chest, I prefer my shirt soggy anyway and it would just kind of be like an unspoken thing. Eventually, Sirius would just fall asleep like that, Remus rubbing circles in their back or playing with their hair, and it wouldn’t be spoken of again. This would happen multiple times though, especially after Sirius escapes. 

“We mess around and laugh too loud” So I think this just kind of symbolizes all the marauders. Like they mess around pranking. And laugh too loud at night or in the astronomy tower when their supposed to be asleep. 

“By blood, we’re bound. Through ups and downs, through smiles and pouts.” So I think this entire line is just like James and Sirius. I think definitely at some point when they were young (like 1st or 2nd year) they made a blood oath. Like they were climbing a tree or something or James cut his hand on something or whatever. And then Sirius said “OOO! We should make a blood oath, so then we’ll be real brothers! We’ll be bound by blood” (or something like that, I don’t know how kids talk). Then Sirius picked a bug bite or something that would bleed, and they became blood brothers (if you get this reference, marry me). Then the other half of the lyric, “through ups and downs, through smiles and pouts” is like just friendship, through ups and downs, through whatever they were going through, they were there for each other. No matter what. They were brothers after all. 

“Comfort Crowd, you can always count.” This line I think can have double meanings, so I’m gonna go through both! 1) so the first meaning I think it could have is something that I talked about before. Like how Sirius finds comfort and crowds. And so this means like in disguising yourself in a crowd, you can always count on. Like if your on the verge of a mental breakdown, just throw a party or surround yourself with people, it works. 2) The second meaning I think would be contradicting myself but whatever. So I think it could mean like their friend group is their comfort crowd. A crowd they feel comfortable in. And then it just means it’s a group of people they could always count on (until they die lol). 

In Conclusion! I am completely and utterly insane. I am also very un-normal about Sirius Black and Conan Gray so… BUT this also goes to show how Conan Gray IS Sirius Black and all of his songs are about the marauders (I could write more essays). And if you got this far, thank you for indulging this! This was so much fun to write /gen

[eruherdiriel]

This is not right, this is not fair, how have I sinned that the gods would do this to me, how?

Sansa III, A Storm of Swords

[astralhope]

- Yuma... Someday, once again, we will... -

Rank 55: Yuma Jet!!

[pretendthisisaname]

Sure hope this isn't some kind of foreshadowing

[kyouka-supremacy]

Well.

[sysig]

What you’d least like to hear (Patreon)

[scarlettcryptid]

i edited one of the fics i posted in 2023 and i feel so much better. it's still rough but 🥲 oh well. no idea what i'll do for dabi's bday. a short oneshot would be good since i can't sit with one idea for very long... will i be able to finish this other thing in time... i wanna post it in late winter/early spring but idk if i can 😫

[orcelito]

a note for people who may not have noticed this:

at the start of chapter one, we get this view of Vash's wanted poster. notice that bit there about the murder of "Count Revenant Vasquez"

and then in trimax chapter 37, we see here:

Count Revenant Vasquez.

That's Conrad.

now the interesting bit is that Conrad hasn't died by the time we see that wanted poster. he's currently busy working to revive Knives, then follows him around once he's alive again. for Whatever Reason, Vash is being blamed before Conrad's death for his "murder"

which makes me contemplate a few possibilities. Conrad was present around the time of the July Incident. and not only that, but we see in chapter 28 that Vash was looking for him just prior to July

so like, What's The Deal? "Count Revenant Vasquez" is not "dead" by this point, just acting oddly in his big house. perhaps after July with his disappearance, people attributed his "death" to Vash, along with all the rest of July... but why would they focus on just him, rather than all of July? is this Nightow wanting to keep the reality of July under wraps this early in the story? or was Conrad really That socially important that his death would stand out among all the rest of July?

and another thing to consider is how Vash knew to look for him under that name in the first place. Vash was pursuing Knives at this point, the whole Point was that he managed to find Knives in July, but he did it by following the trail of Conrad. he met Conrad when he was a child, the second human he ever met, so maybe he somehow managed to deduce that Conrad was helping Knives out?

except when Vash sees Conrad in trigun chapter 20

he recognizes him, but he can't place from where. is this his July amnesia getting in the way? the general passage of time? it HAS been a century and a half since he officially met him. but if he knew to look for him by that name to find Knives, he must have known Conrad was following him around... and then perhaps as part of the amnesia of everything surrounding July, Vash forgot Conrad too.

it's interesting! brings the question of how Vash caught wind of Conrad's involvement with Knives in the first place. we do see that Vash has his fingers in information networks (like when he talks to the "shoemaker" in May City to try to gather information), so maybe that's how he found out? which honestly I find fascinating, given that Especially this early in the story, we just see Vash acting the fool. but even Years prior to the start of the story, he shows a level of resourcefulness and intuition that is Very much not congruent with his act of being a "fool".

and then he shows up to confront Knives in July and his plan is to just

show up, point his gun at him, and then... ???? something? which obviously blows up in his face in a MAJOR way bc Knives easily knocks him out & then has Conrad experiment on him.

which. isn't directly related to the Conrad point lol it just baffles me how smart yet dumb Vash is constantly. high intelligence, low wisdom build for SURE.

but yeah! I didn't notice the Count Revenant thing my first read through, so here's this detail for anyone else who might've missed it like i did

[laesas]

did you ever make a post about pete not liking tankhun ? i know you mentioned it a few times in your tags but i don't remember seeing a post. (i share your opin ions.)

I definitely toyed with the idea of meta or a gifset but I didn't ever make a full post! I love unrequited love and I ESPECIALLY love the extremely rare platonic version which Tankhun and Pete absolutely nail in my opinion!

There are loads of moments where Pete's smile drops around Tankhun very quickly, or he insults Tankhun behind his back. Instead of laughing things off like Arm and Pol, he almost has a wincing fear-response to Tankhun, which we don't really see at all from the other bodyguards.

I think that Tankhun likes to think of himself as being close friends with his bodyguards, and he does genuinely show a lot of open affection for Pete and eventually concern for his safety. But I think ultimately for Pete, Tankhun is just a part of Pete's job, and over time resentment has built up until he thinks of Tankhun as one of the *worst* parts of it. I definitely don't think he resents Tankhun enough to hurt or endanger him, but that's about as far as it goes, there's certainly very little love there.

Something about that dynamic is just particularly brilliant, especially when combined with Pete's eventual defection from Tankhun's side to Vegas'. He chooses a man who has beaten and tortured him over a man who showers him in affection and throws parties on his return.

I utterly adore Tankhun but I think as a character that's grown up in a gilded cage, he doesn't really understand that what Pete needs is a sense of his own autonomy rather than being dragged to "fun" "lets cheer up Pete" parties that Tankhun has demanded on his behalf. At least with Vegas he *chose* to go back, he handed Vegas the ropes, let him lock him back up again. Even before he develops feelings for Vegas, Pete has clearly felt like a subhuman pet for Tankhun and the main family for a long, long time and I think ironically Vegas acknowledging Pete's humanity is the tipping point for him.

I think even without their nascent romantic love as a factor, Pete would always choose Vegas. Because despite the threat of suffering, he offers a sense of freedom that Tankhun's gilded cage does not. It all makes for an incredibly interesting betrayal, and makes Pete choosing Vegas over Tankhun all the more pointed. By choosing to be Vegas' pet, he chooses to be human.

[tadaxii-i]

New chapter of biomimicry is upppp

for anyone who doesn't know it's my projected-300k-wc-wip about blind Regulus and war dynamics and shit, it's cool :p

let's goooooo

[unproduciblesmackdown]

reread the rest thus far of lackadaisy and there's the both v easy & difficult task of gathering a shit ton but only a shit ton of excerpts (like every single page is a highlight i'm not exaggerating)

and every single element is superlative and the way it all only becomes More So....already mentioned the way the like smooth gradient shading made the successful evocation of 3D Shapes more noticeable, along w/the consistent geometries of character design & details in fabric folds; the way Lighting & Coloring only goes on to become more prominent elements only enhances that further. the compositions, backgrounds, pacing, angles....everything is so dynamic & expressive, such as including the expressions which you know i also Love / absorbed

going "hell yes for people to discover this superlative comic" then having to occasionally refresh past site traffic overloaded server errors like "nooo" but actually yes

whilest clapping & cheering for the fun of everyone who's been here a minute. My God the invigorating reward when again i started reading in '07 & the concept of rocky & freckle on a "proper" run had only manifested via fun official bonus art, then a literal decade later as it was actually happening in the comic like screeeeaammm i can feel it coming in the air tonight oh lord etc....i've loved following it, again, if i see another new comic page. i am going to be Enriched

i also really was right on the ball myself this time around like okay okay yep i have picked up on Everything, at least to the degree i can lmao. i love the mysteries. i love how Character Focused it is too ofc and there's no characters i'm uniterested in / dislike. you gotta point to one of them, truly, and i have been a [pointing at freckle] enjoyer these fifteen years but fr i am a connoisseur of everyone, i love that so many characters are a weird mysterious chaos element story driver in their own right. i considered mordecai more intently than ever, love his like ultra mystery (and that we leave off on him doing some detectiving even) and truly fun that like, the source of the more Immediate problems he keeps having in every damn interaction isn't the like [wow mordecai with the just diving into the hatchet murdering] factor so much as it's that he's generally like "i am just standing here" and is not nt in any way that matters and people insist on fucking with him on that front. the peak tragedy of him in a bonus comic getting bullied into having to dance with someone to Be Polite like i'm so sorry i wish you could be that ficus too. anyways intrigued with the marigold &/or mordecai mysteries including that it's like, how coincidental is it that he talks about marigold having a thorn in its side & the savoys' nickname for him is peekon = thorn. there is so much to consider, love that for us truly. and i'm rooting for mordecai & nicodeme's dynamic out here, is another conclusion....very enriched by comparing & contrasting that serafine nicodeme mordecai triumvirate with the rocky ivy freckle one, to be sure. im enriched

i'm also enriched by every footnote that's got like historical facts / research notes / [this is inaccurate for xyz prioritization but here's the disclaimer] explanations. i Love information. and everything else like i loooove this comic it's Soooo Fucking putting my hands to my temples and inhaling at length through my teeth

[foolsocracy]

As the one who can't stop sending you long-winded overly poetic asks, I personally love your long responses back. STORIES WITH THEMES, SYMBOLISMS EVEN!! WHEN THE ANALYSIS?? Y'KNOW?

I'll read over the post again a bit later and try to come up with a more thoughtful response, but, ough. So ready to die honorably, just like everyone else, you've already dug your grave beside your family's. And then, by your joints and limbs, you're unearthed again. Some poor, bedraggled marrionette. Fuck.

HAHA thank you! THE THEMES.. THE MOTIFS.. its all right there and free for the picking! And ive got all your other asks in my inbox and i want to answer them as timely as possible, i do, but alas---i'm slow. thanks for ur patience <3

and im jumping on this too. we're like a tag team, you and i.

being put to rest (however violently) and being pulled back into being alive has to be horrific for anyone. But because im the #1 jewish peter parker fan, i kinda want to comment on this with a bit of a jewish lens as well.

In Judaism, there isn't really a heaven/hell/etc. It's described as a type of oblivion that is as far from heaven as possible. The dead exist there without knowledge or feeling. There is a total disconnect and inability to communicate with god. I wanted to mention this because imagine the surprise of not being disconnected from god at death, but instead being forcibly man-handled into resurrection. Peter very well could have thought he'd be free of his curse once he died. Sorry pete but life has more in store for you.

In jewish tradition, it is customary for someone to be buried within 24 hours of dying. Today, this concept is translated to 'as soon as possible' and is a bit more lenient. It is the family's job to bury their dead, but if they are unable to do so it is up for the community to take up the task. There are no exceptions to the burial rule; "even criminals who have been put to death, the unclaimed slain, suicides, and strangers to the community" would be buried. It is a tradition created from compassion. "To be denied burial was the most humiliating indignity that could be inflicted on the deceased, for it meant 'to become food for beasts of prey.'" Prior to burial, it is also customary to have someone, typically family, accompany the body of the deceased out of respect, as they are seen as defenseless, and as a comfort to the soul that rests within it.

I wonder if he would have ever thought about that aspect of dying alone. Was there any kind of debate, whether it'd be worth it to die as Peter Parker, a boy with a name to his face and an aunt at home, or to die as The Spider-Man, fighting for whats right, but a stranger to everyone, alone? And what of when he wakes up again, after death, knowing he was unburied, left to rot. If that isn't a signifier of just how alone he is, I don't know what is.

There are two ways he could have been honored, i suppose. The traditional sense, through his family's and community's customs. Being laid to rest beneath the ground with others at his side. Or on the streets of the city, alone but dying for everything his family believed in. Finding solace in following in their footsteps. He gets neither, of course.

[feelingpure]

Fellow Travelers Rewatch Party | You're Wonderful

Favourite moment(s) or scene(s) of the episode

It's still the whole chicken noodle soup scenario, from Hawk's entrance up until the radio gets brought up. I like how it sets up their starting dynamic. And to link with that, the whole dynamic filp when “I wanna go to the party” happens. Tim's hones his seductress powers, and we get to see Hawk be the flustered one caught off guard for once.

I also really like the opening scenes 🥹 and the election night meeting and the 1st time at the Cozy Corner and and and–

Favourite quote/dialogue

There's so many too choose from 😭 I'm gonna list a few;

For funsies:

“I'm your boy, right?” - I mean, it's the blog title for a reason - the moment the tables turn. (I made an edit of this moment as a bit of episode appreciation, as suggested in the master series rewatch post 🫶)

“I'll spend the afternoon picturing you kneeling in prayer.”

For feelsies:

“When I committed this sin, I felt pure. More pure than I felt in my entire life. So how can I be sorry for it?”

“I want to hold you tonight. If you'll let me.” - it's just so 🥺

Something new you noticed after the rewatch

Joe Alsop is talking about turtle soup that smells like feet (but taste great) at his party. 👀 And Tim's just stood there, then the camera goes back and settles on Hawk in the background talking to Lucy and someone else. Tim's smile fades at first for a lil bit, but then he has this like sneaky smile when it goes back to him. Given what happened in the previous scene, it's very... 😈

And just some more of this bit, Tim then goes to grab a drink for Mary and as he's walking away we see Hawk tracking him with his eyes (and of course he then follows him). I knew the major beats at this party, but there were certain little things that I definitely did not pick up on before. 😆 (Probably too brrrrrrrr from the previous scene)

The MVP of the episode

I think I'm gonna have to go with 80s Tim, even though we only catch a glimpse of him. It's the decision he makes, to allow Hawk back in, that makes the rest of the 80s timeline possible. 🥲

You general thoughts on the episode

It just perfectly sets everything up for the rest of the series. There's so many bits of dialogue that calls back to things later on, or is just more interesting with them in mind. Also all the anticipation at the end, even when you already know the while story, some bits still had me holding my breath like an idiot hahah.

My main feelings coming out of episode 1 is just always wanting to protect 50s Tim at all costs. Though after seeing the whole show and softening on Hawk, I also wanna protect him; from himself. But yeah - screaming crying etc.

Thoughts on soundtrack of the episode

I'll spare you the essay about when each part the score comes up in the episode and how it makes me feel (😭), but it's just brilliant. Hawk's main theme at the election party, and Pull Them Off at Tim's apartment being notable.

The Waiting for Tim theme especially is just. 😚🤌 He's waiting for his call back at that cafe/diner in the 80s, while he was also waiting outside his apartment in the 50s, and it's just full of anticipation. 🥺

While you're here, go listen to the composer talk about this particular piece.

[an-army-of-nightmares]

Randommmmm question, but what do you think would happen if Lanyon ever found out Jekyll was now undead in the Zombie AU?

As much as I love and adore the thought of what character reactions would be to anything that happens in my aus, actually imagining character reactions is my greatest weakness! Devastated emoji!

It's also been. Awhile. Since I've read tgs so ahh I'm not up to date or refreshed on Lanyon's character too which doesn't help matters

I'd imagine he'd be not feeling too great! Finding out Henry literally died and immediately tried to hide it from everyone and act like all is fine while slowly rotting from the inside out and constantly putting himself back together with science and not talking to anyone about this not to mention just how traumatizing it must've been to literally be eaten alive. Um! It gets worse the more you think about it! And god! Is Lanyon thinking about it!

It could also depend alot on the context in which he potentially discovers.

Very much depends on the context in which he discovers

Like, is it accidental? Did Lanyon walk in on Jekyll trying put himself back together? Was it slowly pieced together discoveries? That added up to Lanyon trying to get an explanation? Was he told? By Jekyll? Or by someone else? Did he see something?

I'm basing this all off of the branch where Jekyll gets up and actively hides he's dead, but of course there's still others where he was buried and dead and it was a closed casket because he was mauled and Lanyon was at the funeral and everyone paid for the funeral and everyone went to the funeral and Jekyll was dead he died and it feels so much more real because for some period of time he was gone and gone for good and now he's back and oh god oh god

How can you even react to that? What even can be your next course of action? Help? What can you even do? Offer comfort? But how? Sorry you died sorry you came back sorry you tried to hide so so much of yourself and be so desperate to see your work succeed that you were even willing to hide you died and act like everything was ok sorry I wasn't there sorry I wasn't there sorry I wasn't there

[therentyoupay]

“This year has been kind of wild, hasn’t it?” Anna muses much, much later that evening, well into the second round of dessert. Elsa looks up, startled by the wave of somber thoughtfulness from Anna’s side of the table. She isn’t quite sure what’s going on in her own headspace, let alone her sister’s.

“I mean,” Anna’s face crumbles, and she hides it poorly, “between me moving around so much, and finding my new job, and. You know. Dealing with Hans.”

Elsa’s fingers tighten imperceptibly on the handle of her fork. She lets Anna talk, and offers her a single encouraging nod, precise and controlled. Anna’s mouth is brave, tiny smiles and courageous words, but her eyes glisten with disappointment, with fear, with countless questions that Elsa cannot answer.

“I guess I wasn’t expecting my life to really… turn out like this?”

That makes two of us, Elsa can’t help but think but doesn’t dare let the thought rise any closer to the surface. These thoughts are not fair, she knows. They are not real, or maybe they are, but perhaps they shouldn’t be; Elsa has made her own decisions, and Anna has made hers—because Anna is an adult, because she’s starting to think like one—and now the two of them are left to pick up the pieces.

“I can understand that feeling,” Elsa shares, reluctant to offer anything more encouraging, such as no one does, really, or there’s still so much more, and your life isn’t over yet. “Sometimes plans change.”

Anna makes a face. “Sometimes for the better,” she mutters darkly, grimacing into her cup of cold tea. Elsa faintly wonders when Anna will think to reheat it but lets her make that choice on her own; she tries to keep a tally in her head, these days, of how many choices she consciously relents to Anna. She knows Anna does not notice. “Like. A hell of a lot better.”

Elsa cracks an amused grin at the grit in Anna’s voice, of fire and violence, and you won’t fool me again, and allows herself a deep sigh of unexpected relief.

“It’s okay to blame me, you know,” Anna’s confession cuts through the contented haze of Elsa’s awareness. Her sister’s eyes are so honest, and all over again, Anna is breaking, breaking her heart. “You gave up your doctoral program for me.”

Elsa turns her gaze to the contents of her mug, still warm. Whatever she says next will stay in Anna’s heart forever; she wants to make sure the words are the right ones.

“I did,” she answers eventually. “But I left for me, too.”

“But you’ve been waiting for that opportunity your whole life,” Anna insists, and her cheeks are dry but there are tears in her voice, in her throat, in her essence. “You want it. And you gave it up, because I’m a mess.”

“No,” Elsa corrects. “I withdrew because life is a mess.” She thinks in sudden waves and flashes—of freedom, of feeling trapped by four walls and a bedroom set of furniture, of opportunity, of wanting escape but not knowing how to find it, of feeling crowded and alone, of realizing that control is relative and everything and nothing, and says, “It may not have been the best thing to do, but it was the best decision we could have made at the time. It happened because it needed to happen.” Elsa lets that sink in. “And I’ll go back someday.”

“When?” Anna wants to know.

But Elsa still doesn’t really have an answer.

————

start from the beginning of livable 🎄🎁❤️

[sysig]

Special Counseling (Patreon)