#I am trying so freaking hard and it is not working | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tinygemin-i · 1 day ago

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I’m doing so shit at work and I think I’m gonna get fired lol it’s actually not funny

I’m so not the type of person to be fired I’m genuinely hard working and reliable but I just find this job unbearable my boss is awful and I’m so lonely here and I know I’ve been doing shit I just can’t motivate myself to do better and I haven’t told anyone how bad it’s gotten

But yday my boss was screensharing and I saw he had a slack channel called ‘*my name* productivity’ which obviously means they’re talking about how shit I am right?

Every now and then I look at jobs bc I know I can’t stay here but I’m trying to move house I just can’t switch jobs right now until I’ve moved and I seriously can’t get fired it would actually be devastating it would ruin everything I’m freaking out

I’m gonna be ok I think I just need to get my shit together

#tinygemjournal #ed but not ed sheeran #light as a feather #thinspø #tw ana rant #3ating d1sorder #3d not sheeran #4norexla #anadiet #tw 3d vent #tw ana bløg #tw skipping meals #tw ed ana

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kavehater · 6 months ago

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Okay after freaking out about alhaitham it’s time to be neurotic again that girl is freaking me out sm :D

#like bro I don’t understand wallah I don’t #I’m so confused and it’s literally ruining everything #dora daily #AND I NEVER SAY WALLAH ABOUT ANYTHING THIS IS HOW BAD ITS RUINING ME AAAAAAH #on one hand she’s ignoring me on the other she isn’t and she genuinely doesn’t see any of my posts #on the other she just forgot #ALL OF WHICH ARE SHIT OPTIONS #IT ISNT FAIR #i even tried liking her posts to show her yo I’m alive in case she didn’t see #I TRIED SENDING HER AN ASK ABOUT SOMETHING WEEKS AGO AND SHE DIDNT REPLY #I am trying so freaking hard and it is not working #and it’s fucking me up because what the fuck did I even do man #I didn’t do anything different #why do people ALWAYS do this I don’t fucking get it #it would’ve been much kinder if she just dropped me from the beginning when I was so hesitant with her #before I got so attached because what she’s doing right now is literally not only torture but so incredibly cruel #like I was getting obsessed with this one girl at work once but she ghosted me relatively early on in the very beginning stages of my #obsession coming into fruition and guess what IM TOTALLY FINE WITH IT NOW #BUT SHE LET THE RELATIONSHIP DEVELOP FOR MONTHS #then introduced a third party then now she doesn’t even acknowledge me #she is making me sewerslidal and it’s literally ruining everything #any time I would try to study I think of her and it freaks me out #every time I try to focus I think of her and it freaks me out #even when I go to sleep bro #like 8 ish weeks ago or so it literally was making me so messed up that if I hadn’t gone outside for a necessary out of uni task then my dad #taking me sight seeing in said area I genuinely don’t know what would have happened #because the level of rage I felt or whatever it was #was the most insane form of genuine torture ever #THIS WHOLE POST SEEMS NEUROTIC AND I’m just like I don’t even know anymore man #but what do I even do atp like bro

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pacific-coast-hockey · 4 months ago

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Hot take: it is okay when my flop AHLers go to DEL to experience joy and a living wage over the wages of an AHL team running on a shoestring budget, bc I have DEL mutuals who will keep an eye on them

#i truly think cheech must have called up sieloff and been like ''germany: vibe check??''#and sieloff said ''they treat you so good''#and then leon found out and started blowing up his phone with 🥺🥺 emojis until cheech signed #del fans you will love him. he is so handsome and he doesn't take as many stupid penalties as sieloff #and he is up for pretty much anything for the boys and works hard and is kind of a freak #if it sounds like i am trying to sell him i am i love him so much i have loved him for years 😭😭#i just want him to eat well 😭😭#nick cicek

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zannolin · 8 days ago

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real talk i actually do put like. an unreasonable amount of effort into my textpost memes behind the scenes so it's actually really rewarding to get to share them thanks for putting up with my antics

#zanna talks #like first off i'm always doing my best to make sure they are not only in character but actually over a frame that makes SENSE in context #(many of my memes are incredibly situationally specific bc of this)#but on top of that i want them all to be consistently formatted so i have to track down the og textpost to get my own screenshot if #the one i have on hand is too low quality/weirdly formatted/in one of the tumblr color palettes other than classic #which adds a lot of extra work. but i want them to be nice and consistent and i want ppl to be able to screenshot the textpost for their #OWN textpost memes and have it look nice bc how i started out was by doing that and it's HARD to find non-crunchy ones sometimes #and THEN i have all the extra work of getting 1080p screenshots (forgive me. some are 720p and you can TELL. my wifi is bad) which #(bc of bad wifi) takes HOURS. and then i have to format them all so they're the same pixel ratio without weird white lines anywhere.#and THEN i have to put the textpost on top and arrange it so it looks nice graphically #and THEN i have to arrange them all in sets in chronological order but without too many from one movie or scene or of one character #(this is bc i am a freak)#so like. by the time u see these things i have put HOURS of work and careful consideration and curation into them #i do not do this lightly im deeply unwell #so yeah um. this has been a Post. explaining my unhinged process.#did i mention ive made over 200 for narnia hahahhahahah anyway #(and yes the fact that the tumnus one i made is on dark mode means i spent A FULL HOUR trying to find the og or a different screenshot #and could not and that KILLS ME.)

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gothamstreetcat · 10 months ago

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you guys, it really fucks me up how after everyone discovers lilah, the entire time wesley is just sitting there so melancholy. he's literally staring at lilah almost the entire time and the only thing that pulls him out of it was the suggestion of destroying her body at the notion that she would turn. all he knows at that point is that he just witnessed watching the love of his life die and he is so fucked up about it.

#i am literally trying so hard not to freak out right now #breathing deeply into my pillow because my aunt is living with me rn #i know it's blatant and the shots between him and her and so deliberate #but i am just so fucked up and it's late #and faith literally asks him what's wrong with him #and this is it #he's literally grieving the loss of his love #and what is grief but love with nowhere left to go?#an actual quote #i am work on my video!#angel (the series)#weslah #wesley wyndam pryce #lilah morgan

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infiniteseriesofhalfways · 14 days ago

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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom

#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this #(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect #making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard #also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift #AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled #but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen #also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot #but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested #not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap #and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied #which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh #and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer #like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage #and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc #AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be #but ANXIETY #its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember #if i fucked up or not #and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much #fuck #wish me luck #ks talks

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rimouskis · 5 months ago

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can I be so open and vulnerable with you guys. the card I was given from people at my old office was sincerely so nice and really validating but also I feel like the main impression I left other people with was "she's really nice" WHICH IS GOOD, I DO WANT TO BE KNOWN AS NICE but also part of me is like... should I maybe strive for "innovative" or "creative" or "a go-getter" because being The Nice One just feels a little mealy-mouthed of me y'know?

#I think there is something to be said here for being so averse to conflict and also such a control freak that I spend incalculable energy on #making other people happy/comfortable/cool-with-me so on and so forth #like this has been a problem in past friendships too as I've grown up #and I've noticed it even online like sometimes I'll have A Take and I won't post it because I don't want to be negative about something #that someone else may like or whatever #which is GOOFY because some of my favorite people are those with strong personalities (bc it's a CLEAR VIEW of that person's personality!!)#and yet here I am like "tee hee I'm so nice everyone likes me because I'm nice anyway when I look in a mirror all i see is a blank wall''#lol y'know? and like no I certainly express opinions and express emotions other than Just Being Happy #and also any waylaid attempts at being so neutral as to not offend people uhhhhh don't work. ask me how I know #(I know because people have hated my guts on the internet before lol)#so it's like: this performance is truly for no one but yourself AND!!!! *AND* it's not even good for you because you might not actually be #being your authentic self #anyways I'm afraid to be a hater and also I'm afraid people won't like me so I try hard to make them like me #and THAT leads to me getting a very nice card about how everyone likes me and me inevitably going: but do they know and like the REAL me #lololololololol that's so goofy #anyway kids be yourselves #also what can I say I derive great pleasure from trying to be the nicest person a cashier interacts with on a given day so #idk there's a middle ground to be struck therein and I'm still navigating it

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quaalussy · 2 months ago

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u wld think an event called open studio hosted by [college] art collective wld imply that u are welcome to come even if u arent friends with anyone on the exec board but u wld be wrong

#i walked in the room and everyone looked up and said nothing and then went back to talking...#and i was too awkward to just leave so i stayed for an hour it was kinda humiliating. i kept trying to make conversation n it wasnt working #also if ur gonna ask to dig thru my collage supplies can u at least say hi how are u whats your name beforehand #literally what is wrong w me am i too freaky do i smell bad #even the art kids dont wanna hang out with me!!#im trying so hard to be outgoing and it seems like the campus culture is just not for me #im not a freak in the aesthetically pleasing nonthreatening tiktok way im sorryyyyyy

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ssreeder · 5 months ago

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Sorry if you’ve answered this before but do you have any idea of how many chapters into the fire will end up being or how the ending will pan out? (Also I love you and the world you’ve created thanks for being awesome <333)

I have answered this before, but I feel it changes day to day lol… ITF is about ummm halfway? It will absolutely be the largest fic of the three, but it has to be in order to bring this thing to a proper close. I could realistically do a fourth book but fuck it I am sticking to the original plan of three. I have the ending completely planned and most of the epilogue figured out as well… I will admit the only thing I don’t have completely planned out is the nitty-gritty details that tend to unfold as the story happens? So as the battle begins who knows how characters will react or what emotions will come up so I like to keep things loose with that to give the characters room to breathe.

But yeah! I do have an ending and I have all the MAJOR events planned, so any twists & turns along the way are already set in motion :)

(I love you thank you for sending me this ask you’re amazing)

#I wasn’t planning on doing this long of a ‘healing arc’#but honestly we worked so damn hard to get here I am really enjoying the characters interacting #Sokka was also freaking the fuck out for a while and Zuko refused to speak so now that we’re moving a LITTLE past that…#its more fun!#Like this next chapter is like… oddly wholesome?#There is laughter #& people enjoying themselves #smiling! Sun is fucking SHINING!#IT IS A DAMN GOOD DAY TO VISIT THE FUCKING MARKET #sorry i got excited haha #but yeah I’m trying not to stress about word count or making it too long or whatever because well… fanfic #this is my fic and I can do whatever I want I decided lol #not that I couldn’t before but I am trying not to stress about it haha #OK SO YEAH I HOPE YOU ENJOY I AM EXCITED WE HAVE SOME BATTLE PREPERATIONS TO GO! AHHHH #thanks for the ask seriously you’re great #irisviews73 #leaving it all behind #LIAB #ITF #ask

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that-was-anticlimactic · 7 months ago

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one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t

#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap #bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU #lol idk why my head is so bad today #the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it #i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!!#but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do #oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse #sorry guys needed to rant #the inadequacy was strong today #something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like #i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me.#and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but #my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m #missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids #who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me #for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just—#sorry #that felt good actually #idk what came over me #imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags #sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh #okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is

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comradekiwi · 9 months ago

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kghn fic where hinata gets hit by a car on his bike ride home. or his bike gets stolen (pseudo sugar daddy kags arc maybe if tobio pays for a new one ?)

#can’t believe i’ve never read this before #if anyone has I am always so happy to receive recs #kghn #kagehina #hinata shouyou #kageyama tobio #it would just hurt so bad and I rly rly love when fics play on the underlaying themes that make hq so deep and complex and authentic #and beautiful #like the difference in resources and accessibility b/w hinata and kageyama #bc of differences in background/wealth #hinata having to do a half hour bike over a mountain to get to school/home every day has always broken my heart a little #like. fuck he’s just a kid #he’s trying so hard #he’s working so hard #now imagine his bike gets stolen #he relies on it and loves it and maybe can’t afford a new one #he’s so sad and worried and torn up #and he’s stressed tf out bc obv his parent(s) can’t drive him or they would (?)#maybe they can but it’s not sustainable #enter kageyama. freaked out by hinata’s tears. doesn’t like how they make his chest feel weird. buys him a new one.#hinata: did you get a new bike .#hinata internally: it looks just like my old one the bastard #kageyama: it’s yours #hinata: excuse me #this reminds me of that fic where kageyama is on a sports scholarship in uni and a year older and buys hinata things kshfksgkfdhk #it was rly cute #oh the accident one is bc every time there’s a shot of a car on the road while hinata bikes home I have a heart attack #ITS NIGHT TIME. YOU DONT HAVE A HELMET. THERES NO ONE ELSE ON THE ROAD. UR ON THE ROAD AND THERES A CAR #scares the shit outta me I WISH YOU DIDNT HAVE TO DO THIS BABY😭😭😭#even tho it’s super important for ur character and themes etc etc ikik

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lightblueminecraftorchid · 6 days ago

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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It

#blue chatter #they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity #I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit #and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned #I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will #I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me #uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight #and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need #to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told #that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily #even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though #I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right #which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing #I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was #definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.

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icewindandboringhorror · 2 months ago

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It always seems a bit unbalanced on The Great Food Truck Race when there will be multiple teams who are cooking a wide variety of complex dishes with 10 different components and a bunch of prep work, and then there's that one team who like... exclusively serves plain crepes with some premade nutella on them, or plain waffles with just some whipped cream and cut up strawberries lol...

#AND then they'll be the winning team or whatever and its like... wow... imagine that... I wonder how its possible that they can get #more dishes out faster than the other teams... hrrmm.... lol #Not that they aren't still doing work like. obviously it's still hard and there's still a sales component and other stuff to be done #but It's just kind of unbalanced seeming when one group is serving like grilled shrimp sandwich with 3 homemade sauces and a #slaw and two sides and the other people are like... slicing fruit and drizzling a bottle of hersheys chocolate syrup on top of some thing #they just threw in a waffle maker for a few minutes #You see the footage of the teams cooking and everyone is like prepping a ton of different things and meat and vegetables and they have #boiling pots and pans and fryers going and tossing stuff in bowls and compiling these multi component dishes #and then That One Team is always just casually slicing bananas or doing some whipped cream in a bowl gbjhbhj #They usually dont even make their own caramel or chocolate sauces or anything. Nutella out of a jar babey!#So all you're really Making is like... whipped cream. and some sort of batter (waffle. crepe. etc)#If I got placed in a competition like that and I found out one of my opponents just sold waffles or pancake sticks or etc #like that I would just be like... okay.. I'm out then. bye. OR I would pivot and be like.. right I shall remove all complexity from my menu #whatsoever and just start selling plain balls of fried dough with powdered sugar or plain fries with nothing on them or something lol #update: OH my god.. one of these teams on a newer season is selling a 'bonus add on' where you can add #cinnamon sugar and caramel syrup (possibly not even home made by them???? just from a bottle) for $5 extra on your order #If I bought a $12 waffle from a food truck and they were like 'hey do you want to upgrade? for only $5 we'll drizzle a teaspoon #of caramel and sprinkle a little sugar and cinnamon on there!' I feel like I would cancel my order and walk away.#that is a $1 add on at MOST.. for a freaking DRIZZLE of caramel sauce LOL #and of course this team is in the top 3... squirrel.... come ON...#Which I know all these shows are fake and bad and whatever. I dont watch them seriously. I think I liked the first few seasons #but then anything past like season 4 (or whenever they started having established people who already ran food trucks on there #instead of taking a bunch of peope who had never run a food truck before and giving them one - which is a much more equal footing #premise to me) I have just been increasingly annoyed at and I really just have the show on for background noise #whilst doing chores or something and am not genuinely paying that much attention but... my god.. At least try to pretend its fair lol #WHICH I KNOWW... you can say 'well the other teams could do similar if they wanted.' or blah blah. tehcnically it's THEIR choice to #make stuff from scratch and not sell a bunch of packaged frozen chicken wings dropped into a fryer over a shitty 6min waffle or etc.#but... I will never respect a $5 for 1tbsp of caramel sauce type of situation.. even if they win.. you will always be losers in my heart #So many teams with real cooking skill & good concepts go home to the 'slap nutella on fried dough' people... how...

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zhinee · 3 months ago

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looked at old pics of myself at the wrong time and now im crying.,

#i always thot i was just kinda ugly and weird and lame and like. i wasnt. not that it would matter if i was but like. i wasnt i was just. me #in my memories im so mean to myself and then to like look back at who i was at that time is like. so hard like why was i so mean to myself #and why am i still so mean to myself. like who does it benefit to remember myself as awful and annoying and ugly and unlovable #like the only person in my life who thought i was all those things was me. like the only person that hated me that much was ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i hate it here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im fine :)#this was a nice wakeup call i suppose.#also all those old pics i looked so hot im crying actual tears im so mad i could have been getting so much pussy if i wasnt so depressed #idk im just like. trying to be nice to my inner child and my inner teenager is one thing but like. being nice to me early 20s is even harde #i always thought ppl hated me and its like no bitch..... You hated YOURSELF................... anyways im dehydrated #this blog turning 13 sent me into a real spiral ill tell u WHAT.#having spent all my formative years online to then become almost completely offline after getting a job. its drama to say grieving but like #idk it felt like looking at pics of a dead relative. like it looked like me and i could remember taking those pics. but like. thats not me.#GOD. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD #AND ITS ESPECIALLY CRAZY TO LOOK BACK NOW HAVING GAINED ADULT BODY WEIGHT AT PICS OF ME AS A KID WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS FAT. AND I WASNT.#AGAINNNNNNNNNNN NOT THAT IT WOULD MATTER IF I WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS #but i spent my whole life being treated as FAT without actually being fat. WHICH I AM NOW. and now im the happiest and fattest ive been.#like i actually wasnt a horrible ugly fat freak of nature. i just needed to get away from my mom #i really am rambling at this point. i know i need to Look Within and Figure Out Who I Want To Be and What Kind Of Person I Want To Become #but also i have work #and the answer is some kind of transgender. one of em. thats for sure. but like. im a waitress so like. rain check that convo....#anyways. i am not a bad person. and i wish i didnt spend so much of my life convincing myself i was. but u live and u learn i fucking GUESS

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loderlied · 11 months ago

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posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh

#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself #but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep #and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either #i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in #fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst #i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago #but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it #this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed #i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me #i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time #this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake #gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t #like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it!#i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life #when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so #i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have #but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip #and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude #though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i #it’s been gnawing at me #ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in #one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes #watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep #so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom #idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting #they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao #so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most #i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry #also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn #it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes

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phagodyke · 4 months ago

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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around #pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable #my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters #no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time #gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt #but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years #and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again #but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and #others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard #it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl #bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either #and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for #but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own #bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me #but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form #and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind #and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will #and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing #and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense #its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out #and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up #and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain #its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit #and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after #or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life #i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever #and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it #and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel #thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable

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