#I think there is something to be said here for being so averse to conflict and also such a control freak that I spend incalculable energy on Tumblr posts

[rimouskis]

can I be so open and vulnerable with you guys. the card I was given from people at my old office was sincerely so nice and really validating but also I feel like the main impression I left other people with was "she's really nice" WHICH IS GOOD, I DO WANT TO BE KNOWN AS NICE but also part of me is like... should I maybe strive for "innovative" or "creative" or "a go-getter" because being The Nice One just feels a little mealy-mouthed of me y'know?

[happynowyo]

Stubbornness

Fandom: Six of Crows

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x Reader

Warnings: mentions of traumas and touch aversion, Reader being a Healer

A/n: so here's the thing I wanted something angsty and smutty but could come up only with the first part tonight so I'll do another hot part in a few days to finish this completely.

Word count: 2,1k

Part 2

— I don't need that, — the confident tone cut through the silence like a sharp knife, sending shivers down your spine for a second.

You might have believed it if you hadn't personally witnessed a couple of Dime Lions beating Kaz with such zeal that the crunch of his broken ribs was clearly audible in the empty valley.

So you continued to worry about him without listening to what was said. You paid far more attention to the quiet sighs Kaz let out with each step, leaning harder and harder on his bad leg, as you noticed the pained expression flickering in his eyes, though you had to hand it to him that he was using all his acting skills to pretend to be fine and make you leave.

— Stop being so stubborn! Even Matthias isn't afraid of my abilities anymore after I healed that bullet wound in his shoulder.

You determinedly followed Kaz into his room, letting the door slam menacingly. As a sign to Kaz that you wouldn't just give up and leave him to be alone with the pain. As a sign to everyone else in the Slat that no one was allowed to bother him anymore in the next couple of hours.

There was no relationship between the two of you. At least, that's what you both claimed when Jesper and Nina cast too many meaningful glances at you, and Inej carefully kept in a secret all those times she saw you leaving Kaz's bedroom before breakfast, knowing that you had spent the night with him. Saints, sometimes even you convinced yourself that you had nothing in common, even though certain details made it clear that your relationship had long gone beyond the professional.

If you didn't know Kaz personally, you'd think he was giving you conflicting signals. He was withdrawn and aloof, preferring to talk only about business. Even if he insisted and you spent the entire evening around him, he went about his deals as if he didn't notice your presence. His stern tone was used toward you as often as it was toward everyone else.

If you didn't know him, you'd be sure that Kaz Brekker was a cold, indifferent bastard who was only interested in kruge and the future death of Pekka Rollins. Calculating and cruel and completely incapable of basic affections. But in reality it was very different. The trick was not to take Kaz for an ordinary guy and not to see him as such. His difficult past had made him wear such armor that it had time to blend into his skin over the years.

In those moments when anyone else would have approached you with caring questions and a warm hug if you were suddenly hurt during the heist, Kaz would limit himself to a brief worried look, though later he would definitely comb down the person you were paired with. You once accused him of being incapable of showing any emotions, but you later realized that the Barrel had hardened him to show it in the most inconspicuous way possible, so as not to put you in any danger. Only the Saints know what Pekka or anyone else would have done to you if they had known about the secret feelings Kaz had for you.

When Wylan revealed that he knew a Healer, everyone took it with great enthusiasm. Even Kaz saw it as a good sign, and it made everyone feel a little more at ease about the tasks ahead, though you remembered to remind Crows to be careful. You could heal a lot, but it wasn't always instantaneous and serious wounds could take a couple of weeks to fully heal. The bigger problem was someone else's stubbornness - Jesper would drag himself to you almost every day with any simple cut, while Matthias or Kaz would literally have to be persuaded.

— I want to help. Let me, please.

Despite the soft shell, the authoritative tone was no deception to Kaz. He sighed heavily and, after a little hesitation, pulled off his jacket, ignoring the flash of pain around his shoulder. Who would have thought that Pekka's secretary was so good with knives?

— You're not supposed to be here, Y/n. He'll be looking for you. Did Pim let you in? — the curt speech was the proof of how much effort Brekker was making to hold back a painful groan and, God forbid, admit that he really needed some help.

You were bound to Anderson with an indenture and officially worked at one of his clubs along with the other Grishas. He was a part of the Merchant Council and was involved in key decisions regarding politics and trade in Ketterdam, which, however, did not stop him from accepting bribes, being under the wing of Pekka and running a real brothel in his club. Many men were really interested in spending the night with Grisha, though more often they ended up asking the girls to demonstrate their skills.

— Anderson is having a party tonight, along with a bunch of other great merchants. And you obviously knew that, since you'd snuck into Pekka's club, counting on the fact that he'd be among the other guests and his office would be empty. Why didn't Nina feel the heartbeat of the guards? — you were tired of the distance between you, so you approached first, gently helping to undo the buttons on Kaz's blood-soaked shirt. Your eyes tried desperately to catch his, but Brekker stubbornly looked away, trying to control the panic that was building up. Close bodily contact was still difficult for him, though his was making definite progress with your help.

— The Fabricator. Someone had worked on the office door, turning it into a veritable safe, through which it is impossible for Grisha to feel or hear anything. Someone from Dregs had told Pekka about our future attack.

Kaz looked angry, but you understood that he had already passed the stage of frustration with his subordinates and so was calculating his options as to who might had done it. His sharp mind was constantly at work, and it was clearly to his advantage now, since it distracted him from realizing how close your fingers were to his body. Phantom heat could already be felt, but it was nothing compared to what he was going to feel later.

You had tried some things before. Intimacy might have been expressed in different ways, but gradually you raised the degree higher and higher. Kaz was getting used to your presence more and more and it allowed him to push his boundaries a little further. Recently you were even able to spend the night in the same bed, separated only by the thin fabric of your pajamas. Before his trauma Kaz was a particularly tactile child, and you hoped to bring him back to that at least a little, showing him that physical touch didn't always have to be accompanied by pain and panic.

You remembered perfectly your first kiss. How timid and cautious it was at first. How desperate and greedy it became later, until a wave of anxiety swept over Kaz and made him pull away first. He focused on avoiding you for a whole week after that and was pretty sure that you were disappointed in his ability to control himself or that you were angry because of his attitude toward touching and the fact that he couldn't give you something normal. However, you managed to change his mind and you continued to take steps toward each other, guided by your growing feelings.

— None of that matters now. You took the papers you wanted, and I'll heal your wounds. We'll deal with everything else in the morning, okay? — you smiled encouragingly, and then you gently stepped closer, your fingers caressing Kaz's bare left side, trying to bind the broken ribs together. Your attentive gaze was fixed on Kaz's face the whole time, assessing and comparing, so that you could instantly catch the moment when the panic of too close contact would occupy his mind again.

— Will you stay? — Kaz finally stopped pretending that his brave solitude on that night was more appealing to him than your support.

— If you behave yourself, sweetheart.

You pulled his shirt aside and examined more closely many bruises and cuts that studded Kaz's torso. The open wound on his right shoulder demanded your attention first, so you gently nudged Kaz toward the bed so that he could sit on it and give you more space. As you worked, you couldn't stop gazing at him, admiring him openly, and your free palm lightly touched his hair, brushing back the strands that had fallen to his forehead. Tenderness filled your heart, and a wandering smile appeared on your lips that didn't escape Kaz's attention.

He liked these moments of comfort with you, and he expressed it in his own way, deciding to take the initiative and slowly run his fingertips from your knee up your thigh. You were standing almost between his legs and the height difference you created gave him an advantageous opportunity. Touching you was still new to Kaz, but the mind-fogging desire was too great and, at certain moments, overpowered any panic. And that's why he gently wrapped his arm around your wrist and pulled you toward him to make you sit on his lap, facing each other even closer.

— It's good you weren't there in his office. If Pekka finds out you're working with me, he'll definitely tell Anderson. They're great friends, it wouldn't cost him anything to get your indenture to himself, — Kaz' eyes were filled with pure hatred, and some part of you was glad it wasn't meant for you.

— You could buy me out. That way I would belong only to you.

— You already belong only to me, Y/n, — Kaz said confidently, in a wave of ghostly jealousy, not even paying attention to the fact that your palm moved to his face, healing his cheekbones from the horrible bruises.

— Only at night. You only claim me here, among these confined four walls, when no one can see or hear us, — you shrugged briefly, getting rid of the sadness in your voice. It would be foolish to expect a man like Kaz to drop everything and leave for a peaceful life. Ketterdam, power and the pursuit of money was everything to him. — Sometimes it takes an effort to remind myself of that during the day, when I don't know if I can see you again because people on streets are about to break the news of your death after another fight or because Anderson will sell me out to someone else.

It was harder to hear about it than to just know it and keep it in the back of his mind. You were the fairest and most beautiful girl for Kaz, the person he truly wanted to protect from everything and care about, and he was sickened by the thought that someone could take you away or hurt you somehow. The words swirled on his tongue, burning with its despair, and he needed to do something to hold on to that moment and cling to you, to prove that the only thing real now was you, your caressing touches erasing the painful sensation from his skin, and the heat of life itself that emanated from you.

The few times before all your kisses had come from you. Kaz had found it easier to accept touch than to touch himself, but now the need to be with you made him go with his urges, so his palm gripped your waist, pulling you closer, and his lips covered yours so hastily, as if he feared it was the last thing he would ever have time and ability to do in his life. But kissing him was still extremely satisfying.

So much that the desire instantly settled in your blood and made you more pliable. Your tongue slid playfully along his, and a convulsive, loud exhalation became yours in common. You unconsciously buried your fingers in his hair and pulled stronger, causing Kaz to moan briefly right into the kiss before he slowly pulled away with a completely shaken look and a bright smile and a glint in his eyes. And in that moment he looked a hell of a lot like his usual self, just a guy spending time with the girl he loved, and their only problem was not the prospect of death at the hands of rival gangs, but the question of whether they'd locked the door.

Although Kaz Brekker had another question stashed away — would you agree to wear that ring he bought for you so you could remember him and his feelings at all times?

Part 2

[alexiethymia]

I have a lot of thoughts.

Ok so I loved it. It was cheesy but I do love the entire hotel’s dynamic. They’re such a messed up found family. It was sweet as hell (pun intended) that they all stayed for Charlie and their home (gosh darn it, the hotel’s become home for them)!

The duet between Chaggie was adorable.

BUT BUT the last two episodes only cemented my intrigue with Charlastor. I do love fanon Charlastor.

But their canon dynamic on its own is so interesting. Like it doesn’t have to be romantic.

It’s in the way he didn’t immediately deal for her soul and yet we just know the deal is going to be heartbreaking.

It’s in the way despite his touch-aversion he is STILL so touchy with her. Like I always thought that it was power play, and to some extent it still is. But he already got the deal he wanted from her, and yet he still caresses her hair, pinches her cheeks, loops her arm around his in some parody of a gentleman’s hold?? (So so touchy, and it even seems different in the past that it seems almost friendly. It was weirdly adorable how proud he was in showing off Cannibal Town to Charlie). Sure it may be manufactured, but part of me thinks that part of it is unconscious because he displays a level of comfort with her similar to what he displays with Rosie, with his friends in other words. He’s called her ‘charming’ twice now!

It’s in the way that despite that Charlie has always been the underdog and mocked, in his own sadistic way, he HAS always believed in her (even as he still thinks it’s all for his own amusement). Even if he’s only using her there’s something to be said that he’s always believed her side was the winning side. He parallels Vaggie in that way I think. He seems proud of her (like seriously I wouldn’t expect him to actually smile sincerely with Charlie’s heartfelt declaration of love for all of them - him of all sinners!) AND here’s the thing, I could easily believe he thinks he will leave everyone high and dry if it’s a choice between him or them. He’s in it for himself after all. But when he sings about seeing and polishing Charlie’s potential, yeah it’s definitely villainous, but it’s striking that whatever mysterious endgame he has in the future still seems to include her.

And the most striking thing for me! We now know that his staff is his weakness, possibly a large source of his power. AND what this heartless sinner who trusts no one hands it over to Charlie?? Twice? He literally puts his weakness in her hands? It shows that (despite not admitting to it) he trusts in Charlie’s inherent goodness that she won’t take advantage of his vulnerability, because for some reason I don’t see him doing that with anyone else.

Charlie and Alastor are foils. Their dynamic forms a crucial part of the show. Absolute goodness versus absolute evil is boring. Alastor’s villainous breakdown is prepping the audience for a heartbreaking betrayal. But again it would be a boring development to watch if Alastor was his usual smug and evil self through it all. For it to have weight, Alastor also has to go through inner turmoil as well. Corrupt the cutie is a favorite trope for a reason. But who’s corrupting who? From Alastor’s breakdown, it’s clear he’s not as in control of everything anymore. I love love Alastor’s unwilling, conflicting, growing attachment to the hotel (which is best shown through his relationship with Charlie, though I would hope he develops his relationships with the other hotel residents too).

And it would be so interesting (and satisfying! and heartbreaking) if Charlie ends up playing Alastor at his own game. If Charlie is the one factor that Alastor doesn’t see coming because he (shock!) actually DOES trust her. In other words, in the same way Charlie (and the hotel) is influencing Alastor to become softer (and in his view, weak), what if Charlie does end up being influenced enough by Alastor’s mentoring that she ends up becoming all the more ruthless. Because I can see a scenario where Charlie ends up ‘betraying’ Alastor for what she deems a justified reason. Alastor’s ruthlessness with the self-righteousness of an angel? Whoo boy. There would be so many layers of dramatic irony there that Alastor’s plan of corrupting Charlie ends up working so well but it ends up hurting him because she’s the chink that manages to get past that smiling armor.

And compounding this inevitable tragedy is the knowledge that this could have all been avoided. Alastor trusts her, but it seems like it’s not enough or his urge for control still wins out in the end. Because for me there was no need to go through a deal. If it’s Charlie, she wouldn’t abandon Alastor and she’d do everything to help free him if that’s what the deal was for because that’s the only deal I can think of that wouldn’t require Charlie to hurt anyone.

Unless the deal isn’t about that. Unless typical power-hungry Alastor’s goal really is to depose Lucifer and to rule Hell. Because Charlie definitely wouldn’t help in that (unless she was forced to through their deal) but perhaps there’s something only she can do that ends up handing power over to Alastor.

That is to say Chaggie fulfills that itch for stability and a happy ending. Charlastor fulfills that itch for angst and push-and-pull. From the beginning, it’s been a tug of war and a battle of wills between Charlie and Alastor and I’m glad to see that theme has remained in the show. Alastor will be the truest test of Charlie’s belief in redemption. It’s exciting to see who’ll win out. Will Alastor corrupt her first or will Charlie redeem him first?

Like I thought I’d only see this is in fic, but heck I didn’t think we would actually get a group hug with Alastor but wow omg I can’t believe we actually got it in the show proper!

That is to say this long spiel is just to say that the show ended up turning me into a multishipper haha.

[heartbeatbookclub]

inspired by the crying headcanons ask, how do you think the girls are like when angry? we do kind of see some of them get infuriated sometimes in the side stories but im curious if you have any extra thoughts on it

I'm just going to kinda rapid fire this because I don't like it sitting here, but I've been too busy and in a weird headspace to really take the time for it. If this ends up malformed or weird, I apologize. I've done a bit of thought on it though

Sayori generally keeps herself on an even keel. It's hard to really piss her off with anything which would typically anger someone, because she has a general kill them with kindness mindset (and if you do something like insult her, or try to start shit, she's more likely to assume that she's doing something wrong, so she'll beat herself up instead). That said, she does have her pet peeves (like when someone leaves the water on while brushing their teeth! you aren't using that right now, you're just wasting water!), and she does have certain buttons you probably shouldn't press.

Namely, Sayori really values other people, especially those close to her, and places a lot of trust in them. To be honest with her, to be good people, and to take care of themselves. If you fail the latter two, she will be disappointed with you, and maybe even a little angry dependent on the circumstance and how she learns about it. That disappointment hurts a lot worse, though. Of course, when it comes to taking care of yourself, she understands how that could be difficult, and will help you as much as she can, but she really wants you to value yourself as much as she does.

The former of the three, she'll get angry. Sayori isn't the type to go shouting mad (well, unless she's getting mad at mario kart or something), or the type to really share strong words. She's got that tranquil fury down pat. If you do something you know she won't be happy with, that's one thing. If you lie about it to her face, and take advantage of her trust, she'll take some time apart from you. She'll push you away until she can calm down and really think about how she wants to respond. She's not one to hold grudges; revenge isn't her forte, but when she faces that kind of betrayal, it's really hard for her to look at someone the same way.

Monika can be very passive aggressive. Yknow, that kind of backhanded, half-sarcastic passive aggressive. As a side effect of being a people-pleaser, Monika is averse to conflict generally, and would prefer to seek a more reasonable compromise in any given situation as opposed to some blow-out confrontation, and absent that, when she gets aggravated, she tries to be civil, but ends up being cattier than she intends.

If it does end up escalating to a more serious argument, if tensions are running high, Monika feels very uncomfortable. She's not one to escalate into a shouting match, she's not the type to start peppering her speech with colorful language adding with rage, she tries to keep herself under control as much as she can.

Still, she might slip up. And losing that control makes her feel even worse about it, makes her more emotional in general, and when she gets to that point, I think she'd probably say something she might regret. Definitely has moments where she cries from how angry she is about something, and realizes she needs to take a walk to get away from the situation.

Yuri tends to be strongly opinionated, but about some strange and specific things. She tries to keep from voicing these opinions when they aren't asked for or needed, just to keep everything smooth socially, but if asked, she will be blunt about her thoughts even while trying to be polite, because if they want her honest opinion, then being honest, she does feel that bluntly about it. The fact that she doesn't let on until asked makes it feel harsher than it actually is.

Yuri generally tries to keep herself under control in a similar vein to Monika, except that rather than trying to use some sort of conflict resolution, she prefers to just leave it as is. Just stop talking about it, maybe leave, whatever. Of course, she feels so strongly about her view and that it's correct that sometimes her mouth moves before her brain, and she feels the need to get the last word in, which often escalates the situation.

Yuri gets pretty easily overwhelmed emotionally, and her strong feelings about a given topic can quickly bubble over and force her to act in certain off-putting ways before she even realizes what she's doing or saying. She has a tendency to start yelling, to start saying a lot more hurtful things and use more caustic language generally. Without a mediator, she's wont to get into a loop of just continual anger and have it just ruin her day. Of course, after that, if she really thinks about it, she regrets it completely and feels terrible. (Unless they actually deserve it. Even then, she might think she could've gone about it better...)

That habit of bottling it up also has a tendency to create some outbursts if things become too overwhelming, though that's more likely to result in a combination of this sort of behavior and what I described when talking about them crying. That's da dawg in her ('tism)

Natsuki tends to be reflexively angry, or reflexively mean at the very least. I've talked about this at length before, but she pushes people away in general and tries to harden herself wholly so that nobody can ever hurt her. I've dwelt for a while on what I think that actually means about her life (namely her home life) but you can read my thoughts on that elsewhere.

She's got a tendency to just complain about a lot of different stuff which annoys her or makes her uncomfortable. She makes no secret of her opinions or thoughts on any variety of things, which might get her into trouble in some circumstances, but generally she's just very opinionated without much dedicated thought to it.

If you really get her going though, she has a lot of smart-mouthed comebacks and sharp barbs to lob back and forth. Also she starts swearing a lot more. She does her best to come out on top by keeping her anger in check, but she definitely indulges in it a fair bit. Sometimes too much. Sometimes she gets overwhelmed, and when she gets really, really mad, she also definitely starts crying, and she moreso than anyone finds that really embarrassing, because it's a sign of weakness in that kind of scenario.

[ateez-himari]

Hi bb!!!!! It's been a long tine since I've popped into your inbox hehe🤭🤭but I had these questions in mind and I wanted to ask them cause I literally couldn't stop thinking about them hmm now first on the list:

1-this is inspiredd by the countless fights that armys and blinks have buttt has mimi ever gotten hate from blinks because she's related to one of the bts members, and does she openly talk about blackpink since they're her sunbaes cause I feel like her being the sister of one of the members of a group who is always set as a rival of bp will make some blinks hate her(I love blinks hope no one misunderstands)

2-this was actually inspired by another ateez addition blog(@ateezjieun)where they basically explained that their oc and woo had a fight and fans noticed it and stuff cause like they weren't talking to each other etc... And I was wondering has mimi ever had a similar thing happen with any of her other members and if so did fans catch on or was it handled professionally

3-are there any idols who are friends with bts who tried to get closer to jieun, like for an example them asking for her number or something (and I'm thinking the members obv said no)

4-this one is me being way too delulu about our couple, and I was wondering has hima ever done the booty shaking challenges (water,smart,sticky,wait,and the work challenge atiny ver) and has mingi ever been at the crime scene or what was his reaction to her doing it

5-technically this isn't a question but like I can picture mingi and hima going live at the most random moments and hima blabbering about whatever and mingi looking at her with his big smile 😭

6-has mingi's mom ever taught mimi her special dishes from her restaurant I can picture them bonding over this stuff

Love you bb!!! And don't forget to stay hydrated and don't overwork yourself mwahh💕💕

My Muse I'm so happy to see you! 🥰I saw this right when my shift ended and the way I almost ran home to write it- (these questions are legitimately so good)

° Since there's no direct correlation between ATEEZ and Blackpink considering the difference in generation they've never truly seen a need to attack her in order to bring BTS down. There are some random fans that feel the need to express how they believe she only got into ATEEZ because of her brother's fame, or doesn't deserve the title of producer since she probably got these jobs thanks to Yoongi anyway. Hima barely talks about Blackpink since she's not much of a Blink but when 'New Woman' came out she did talk to Atiny a lot about it (she loves it...I'm definitely projecting right here)

° Hima is a very expressive person and has trouble with hiding aversion towards certain people or situations, so when she fought with Hongjoong after their Tokyo anchor in 2023 people noticed that she wouldn't so much as go near him. Atiny realized that while the maknae always gravitates towards Matz during the encore, she would only interact with Seonghwa. Conflict always gets resolved relatively quickly between her and other members since they're usually nothing more than slight disagreements, but this was the biggest fight so far in the group's career that not even Seonghwa could fix

After the accident he was so terrified that it ended up turning burning anger which blew up on her the moment they got back to the hotel room, Hongjoong yelling about how reckless she had been, how because of her idiocy she died for 3 minutes, she never listens, "when will you stop being so fucking naive", "you're not a child anymore grow the fuck up", etc. That night the members accepted that the group dynamic would never be the same again because of the things that were said between the two of them (although they resolved it days later and are now closer than ever)

° Due to the age difference there were not many people who wanted her number in order to get closer to her, mainly artists that want to work with her. The ones who were brave enough approached the other members thinking that they wouldn't truly care because she's not THEIR little sister but they couldn't have been more wrong, not only did they tell Yoongi about it, but they made sure to let these people know their career would end the second they got within 1km of her. Some people stationed with the members did try to joke about how it was "too bad that she has a boyfriend" and very nearly got murdered, especially by beefy Jungkookie

° She's done quite a few challenges like this; Smart (Le Sserafim), Sticky & Midas Touch (hehe get it because Hand of Midas) (Kiss of Life), Jump & Water (Tyla) and Guilty (Taemin...they had an entire dance challenge upload frenzy in not even 24 hours where they danced to almost all of his songs) and even uploaded a very spicy dance cover of Be My Baby (Ariana Grande)

Mingi was almost always at the scene of the crime since they were filmed at music shows and he was trying to hard not to hyperventilate in front of everyone, he just stood to the side with a hand in front of his mouth pretending he was focusing on the choreography...but she performed for him when they were alone if you know what I mean😏(He has to try so hard not to cover his girlfriend's ass-)

° They almost always go live together nowadays especially when abroad and she gets talkative very quickly, going on about the smallest things in her life, pondering over what kind of food they should order, etc, while Mingi sits in the corner of the screen pretending to look at his phone when in reality he's smiling because she's adorable

We know Mingles gets needy for love and attention, so he always ends up cuddling up to her, playing with her hair and looking at her with the brightest boba eyes as if whatever she's saying is the most interesting thing 🥺

° Mingi's mom loved Hima the second the two of them met - he would argue she loves his girlfriend more - and when she found out she liked to cook she immediately offered to teach her every recipe she knows. Since she doesn't have a daughter she was more than happy to spend entire afternoons in the kitchen teaching her future daughter-in-law

Also 'Mimi' is so cute 😭It's the sweetest most fitting nickname for her. Don't worry I'm not overworking myself! Love you too Mina, MWAAHH 😘💕

[batsplat]

What was the deal with dovi and his two teammates he did NOT get along with? Personal dislike or what?

so I've rattled off the actual details of the dovi/jorge feud here and this post gives great insight for dovi/iannone. the thing about dovi is that it's kind of funny that it happened twice to him of all people, you know? and the fact that there's (to my knowledge) been fuck all reconciliation? like I said here:

which I think is probably like... my general explanation. it's a) circumstance and b) abysmal interpersonal chemistry. in both cases, you've met the general criteria for intra-team issues:

I should have added that the first criterion is a little more complex than that, because it's also about how competitive the bike is versus expectations. if you thought you were going to be fighting for a title and you're not because the bike is shit, then that's not really the time and place to be starting feuds. but by 2015 ducati was very much on the way up again: for a hot moment early that year it looked like dovi might be a genuine title threat in that year and in 2016 they got their first win since 2010. so, suddenly you've got a manufacturer that's reevaluating its current line up and deciding they want a bigger name to lead the actual title charge... which is where you get the stakes from in both those feuds. dovi/iannone was driven in large part by 'which one of us will get fired' and dovi/lorenzo had the tension of 'this is not the challenger ducati was expecting'. so now you are competing over something a little more substantial... and that makes the difference between 'ah whatever I can paper over these interpersonal tensions' and 'you know what fuck this guy'

the interpersonal chemistry question is obviously more opaque, and again you have to say dovi just got a little unlucky in that regard. from how he talks in his autobiography, it seems like the first feud was just a bit of a radical mismatch of personalities. in iannone, dovi sees someone who is arrogant, obsessed with image and too concerned with beating dovi. it's not exactly a surprise that dovi was severely displeased when he thought he would be dropped for iannone. with jorge... well, you can really see how the competitiveness comes in here, right - the relationship was broadly cordial in 2017 when jorge was in the wilderness and then swiftly deteriorated when he actually got to grips with the bike

also, clearly jorge had some slightly weird stuff going on with dovi... idk, some of the passages read like he thought dovi kinda looked down on him? constantly talking about how clever dovi is, how dovi knows what he's doing... the thing about jorge is that he had a lot of stuff going on as a young man and he was overthinking a lot of things... and some of those things were definitely his rivals... and that did affect several of those relationships for quite a few years. then there's the stuff where jorge repeatedly says how much effort he put into that relationship, celebrating dovi's results in 2017, dovi not appreciating it... I mean, maybe? I can imagine dovi being extremely unmoved by this lol, and certainly not feeling like it means jorge has any credit in the bank the following year. he doesn't like jorge, which is fine... but then occasionally he says something in the press with just enough ambiguity that it allows jorge to go absolutely ape shit and it spirals from there. just a bad combination, really. jorge thought he'd be number one, dovi was very possessive of that project and not willing to cede the lead without one hell of a fight... and they have history and they're both not really particularly willing to give each other the benefit of the doubt. not great

as much as I obviously wasn't being serious calling dovi an awful teammate, he's also not that conflict-averse. he's always been opinionated, reasonably willing to get into arguments (including with the ducati higher ups) and also clearly willing to judge his fellow riders, often quite harshly. he's perhaps not particularly inclined to change his mind either once he's made it up... definitely a character, and perhaps not the type who's really interested in reevaluating relationships post-retirement. jorge on his part has mended quite a few bridges, but it really is just with his fellow aliens - you'll note he's repeatedly incredibly rude about dovi's track record and lack of premier class titles. jorge in general can have a bit of a habit of 'punching down' in a way you won't really get from the other aliens. his nostalgia-inflected warmth towards other riders again really does seem pretty limited to just the aliens, which is how you get him doing instagram throwbacks to motegi 2010 (bonkers lol) and all this *gestures* dani stuff... but with him and dovi, neither of them have really made an effort, and I doubt they will. dovi's the type of guy who wants to see himself as honest and straightforward with these things, so no forcing reconciliation after the fact I reckon. what's wrong with a couple of burnt bridges, right

[lavendertales]

this isn't anything sexual I just really need some comfort

so like reader has extreme father issues and joel knows it, and Joel gets mad at her for something so they have flashbacks to their dad making them cry and she starts hyperventilating. Joel notices and starts comforting her whispering sweet things to her and hugging her and stuff?

im extremely unhinged and i need the comfort rn

here you go, love, I hope this is as comforting as you wish for it to be❤️

fine line—Joel Miller x f!reader

word count: 863

warnings: some hurt, but mostly comfort. side note, this is nothing sexual so please don't take it as such.

Usually you didn’t take lightly to strangers and befriending them was rather a chore than out of pleasantry. But somehow, you managed to get along just fine with the Miller brothers and their little protégé, Ellie.

Because you looked up to the two brothers, that made it easier for you to open up to them and create a more unique bond with them. Plenty speculated that you were dating either one of the two, but that was not the case. You were simply friends, close acquaintances, and you decided to let people talk whatever they wanted to talk.

You were particularly close with Joel. Perhaps because his whole aura reminded you of a protector. It was what he did best: he cared for family and he protected them fiercely. And it was the same with you; he liked to keep you close, and often it seemed that your presence was good for him, too.

Besides, Joel knew more about your troubled past with your father than anyone else. He knew what a difficult relationship you had with him—or its lack thereof. And because of that, Joel knew to be tender with you and careful with his choice of words. At first it was controlled, something he had to go over in his head before speaking it aloud, but after a while it became natural.

But Joel was merely human. He made mistakes too. And today, he’d made a mistake with you.

“I told you to stay here!” he’d shouted. “You could’ve gotten hurt! Something could’ve fuckin’ happened!”

“Joel—“

“Why couldn’t you just do it? You had to go out of your way to get killed?!”

Your eyes became watery as you stared at him, speechless. You knew he had a temper, but he never unleashed it upon you before, and it was bringing back painful memories that still spiked your blood pressure.

It wasn’t entirely unjustified though; Joel and the patrol group went on their daily route and while you usually patrolled with them, this time Joel asked you to stay behind. You were still recovering from a wound and, while it wasn’t grave, it still had you on bed rest for a few days. You barely began to retake your usual activities and going on patrol could’ve been too exhausting.

You still went. You still went after the group, thinking you’d just stay in the back, on your horse, and keep a lookout for potential intruders. When they’d been ambushed by raiders, Joel had to jump to your rescue as well and keep you safe. It had been instinct, but he was pissed that you didn’t listen. He kept quiet till you returned to Jackson, but once the two of you were alone, he let you know just how frustrated he’d been with your choice.

However, seeing your teary face and your body hyperventilating and trying to steady yourself, he regretted snapping at you the way he did.

“I’m sorry, darlin’, I didn’t—“

“You were right, okay?” you said through tears. “You were right and I was wrong, I was stupid. I appreciate you—pointing it out.”

You rushed away from him, desperate to be alone in order to recollect your feelings. You had a strong aversion towards being yelled at. Your father used to do it all the time and all it did was make you somewhat unable to handle conflict. You loathed it, always have since you were a child. And to hear Joel react the same way your father did when he was disappointed… it was too much to handle.

Not a minute since you retreated it into your house, you heard a knock on the door. You knew it was Joel. It couldn’t have been anyone else.

“Go away, Joel,” you said.

“Please let me in, darlin’. I’m so sorry about the things I said. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I’m really sorry.”

You couldn’t really stay mad at him—unlike at your father. Joel was far more understanding and kinder than your old man, and way more willing to learn from his mistakes and grow from them.

Perhaps that’s why you looked up to him so much.

You opened the door, your eyes and nose still red, even though you stopped crying some time ago. The moment Joel saw you, he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you in tighter. You caved in to his touch, reciprocating the hug.

“I’m so sorry,” Joel repeated, one hand over your head as he held you glued to him. “I shouldn’t have reacted that way.”

“I understand why you did it. I did put myself at risk… and you. And the rest of the patrol group.”

“You’re safe, and that’s all that matters.”

“Thank you for saving me though.”

Joel pulled away just to smile at you, his calloused hand grazing your cheek. “I got your back.”

“I know. Thank you.”

You remained locked in that embrace on the porch for a while. You appreciated Joel’s willingness to grow and change more than you could ever tell him.

But more so, you appreciated him being there for you in ways even your own blood relatives could.

[neptune-scythe]

quick thing about the nuances of desire that is often over looked, specifically in regards to touch aversion

the argument I get the most when discussing Kanej having a relationship without any physical intimacy or touch is that they both want that

but here's the thing

yes they both express desires for touch or physical intimacy, but it's not as black and white as that.

there's three points I wanna make here

the first is there's a difference between wanting something and fantasizing about it. and by that I mean you can like the idea of something, you can have a desire for that idea, but it isn't the actual thing. so for the topic of touch, you can like the idea of a hug or a kiss, you can desire to experience the same feeling from it that other people do or that you think you should, but in reality it isn't actually enjoyable to you, it doesn't give you the feeling you want it to. you want it, maybe even enough to try it again and again, but it may never give you what you want out of it.

the second point ties into the first one nicely of being that you can want the feeling that touch is supposed to give, so you think you want the touch as well. but in reality you just haven't separated the two. you want the comfort, the safety, the closeness, the protection, or whatever else that you're supposed to feel when you touch someone, you might not actually want or enjoy the touch itself or get those feelings from it. but once you separate the two you can find those feelings you're searching for in other ways that are actually comfortable and beneficial.

and the third point is that sometimes you just want to want something. you want to have the desire to touch someone, to be able to feel comfortable with it, but you don't. you might try and convince yourself that you do want it because you think you're supposed to, but the actual desire just isn't there. you want to have the desire rather than actually having the desire.

so for Kaz and Inej, yes they both expressed desires for physical intimacy, but it's not as black and white as "they said they want it so that's what they need to be happy"

desire is much deeper than that, and humans are much more nuanced and layered and unpredictable.

and yes there are also times when people just have desires without any of the extra stuff, but given their history I personally don't think Kaz or Inej are that type. There are too many conflicting feelings and experiences for it to be that simple in my opinion.

and if there's one thing Leigh Bardugo is good at it's making deep, multifaceted, and complex characters, and that's what I enjoy so much about them. they have the capacity to portray all those nuances of desire that other characters just can't, and that's a very beautiful and important thing ... especially for y/a books. to capture the human experience, to explain the aspects of humanity that are hard to discover in one's self or notice in other people. it's a bridge to deeper understanding, it's putting that ability to understand in a language that is more accessible and universal than an intellectual self help book or an essay.

so to circle back to my overarching point, desire isn't a simple thing. thinking "I want __" doesn't necessarily translate perfectly the way it presents, and there are many complexities to the human mind that are unpredictable and surprising.

[zwy01]

Noble OCs - Anabella’s bodyguards

Paradiso nobles can’t fight at all. Their clan is the only non-combat clan in Lukedonia. For this reason, Clan Leaders and heirs are protected by bodyguards at all times.

This time I’ll introduce five bodyguards from Anabella Fleur Paradiso’s team of more than twenty.

For complete info please check out the link below:

I also introduced what the bodyguards do exactly in previous posts so here’s the context (highly recommended):

The characters!

Santiago Drosia: Captain. Belongs to Gejutel’s generation.

Like Jaakob from Team Anastasia, Santiago used to be a member of Titus’ bodyguard team but the latter transferred him to Anabella after she was born. Santiago’s a great person and an expert at his job, so Titus entrusted him with giving a “head start” to his daughter’s team. This means that Santiago is Anabella’s very first employee, and all of the other bodyguards were recruited after him.

Santiago is a nice guy. He insists on everyone calling him “Santi” and has nicknames for all of his subordinates. Like Primavera, he sometimes repeats things a lot though he never does it to nag anyone on purpose. He just forgets that he has said something already, and blushes and fiddles with his hands when his team points out that he’s repeating himself. They don’t mind because they know that Captain Santiago’s just emphasizing what he thinks is important, and they appreciate him for looking out for them.

Santiago is fairly mild and non-confrontational. Perhaps this is extremely weird for a Paradiso bodyguard considering how their mission is to eliminate anyone who poses a threat to whom they serve, but the real reason behind Santiago being so conflict-averse is… Anabella! Anastasia, who is Anabella’s older twin sister, is the more pragmatic of Titus’ kids. While Anastasia would prefer no bloodshed at all, she does see it as necessary if there ever is an emergency because her safety is the priority. That’s why they have bodyguards in the first place. On the other hand, Anabella is the more idealistic of the twins. She thinks of killing the enemy as the last resort instead of the standard procedure. If talking it out works, then definitely try it, she thinks. Besides, she kind of does hate seeing blood. She doesn’t say those exact words out loud because it’ll interfere with her bodyguards’ job, but everyone is aware of the truth. This defines how Santiago manages his team because he wants to make Anabella as comfortable as possible. To be honest, Santiago is just as merciless as Jaakob when it comes to getting rid of enemies. But, if that’s not what Anabella wants, then he’ll change his approach. After all, guarding her mental wellbeing is just as important as her physical wellbeing. For this reason, he instructs his subordinates to only kill when there is no other choice. Or, they can just do the deed a little further away to prevent Anabella from noticing. She doesn’t have to know. Grandpa Santi has it all figured out.

Santiago loves dehydrated treats. Beef jerky, dried mango, banana chips, shredded coconut, etc. Anabella adores Santi so she always brings a lot of snacks from home to share with him and the other bodyguards. Santiago is very polite and thanks Anabella and tells her that she doesn’t have to do this for them, but he accepts her gifts in the end because he knows she’s doing it because she’s sweet. Anabella loves seeing Grandpa Santi’s joyful, wrinkly smiles when he’s eating something tasty. Sometimes Santiago would be chewing on a piece of jerky and he’d joke about how he’s “devouring the flesh of Anabella’s enemies”. Oops, forgot that Anabella is right there. Luckily she didn’t hear him. His subordinates think it’s funny. Then they’d tell him there’s something stuck in his teeth or beard, and he’d blush before picking it off.

Like all captains of Paradiso bodyguards, Santiago boasts impressive offense and defense. He gives one-on-one lessons to his subordinates and claims whoever beats him in a duel gets to take his place as captain. Well, they’re in for a challenge, because it’s no easy feat.

Santiago’s weapon of choice is a pair of rapiers.

Lluvia Tradio: Vice-captain. Belongs to the Previous Lord’s generation.

Lluvia is always up to something. She dislikes how Anabella is “too merciful” towards enemies they should eliminate right away. Lluvia is smart enough to not let her thoughts show through and on the surface, she agrees with Anabella. She even praises Anabella for being so kindhearted. To be honest, getting rid of threats immediately will save all of them from future headaches. It’s called “nip it in the bud”. As much as Lluvia wants to let Anabella see things logically, she keeps her lips sealed. Anabella gets to decide things here, as she is the one they serve. Lluvia respects the hierarchy. She has brought up her concerns with Captain Santiago, though. Santi agrees with Lluvia and the sentiment is shared. Not just between captain and vice-captain, but among all the bodyguards as well. Santi just shakes his head and expresses that as long as Anabella wants them to stay that way, they have to. Lluvia nods silently. Well, if that’s what Anabella wishes for, then so be it.

Lluvia is excellent with curses. Her talent for magic manifests in the form of wide ranged area-of-effect spells. She is capable of casting spells somewhat similar to Lagus’ infamous Blood Mist. Not exactly the same thing, but close enough. Lluvia can use this skill to make her enemies appear as if they’ve fallen asleep, except they’re actually wide awake and in excruciating pain, just that they’ve been completely immobilized so they can’t show their struggles at all. Lluvia never actually had to use this spell before, but it’s a nice one to have. Who knows, might come in handy one day. If they’re ever in a situation where they need it, Lluvia will just tell Anabella that she forced their enemies to go into a “deep slumber”, and now everyone can escape to safety and they don’t need to hurry either because the threats have passed out on the ground. That’ll only be half of the truth, of course, because either Captain Santiago or Vice-Captain Lluvia herself will gesture to the other bodyguards to kill their enemies once Anabella is far enough away from the scene to not notice. While this is fundamentally going against Anabella’s wishes, Lluvia believes that having her best interests in mind is a form of true loyalty. She doesn’t need to have Anabella’s approval. She just needs to guard her master from a distance and protect her as she should.

Lluvia doesn’t carry a weapon because her magic is her weapon. She never uses weapons.

Icarus Pyradros: Member. Belongs to Raskreia’s generation.

Icarus looks like he’s constantly in deep thought. His team thinks he’s reflecting on himself because he’s always resting his chin on his fingers and frowning slightly. Anyone would assume he’s busy with serious matters in his mind. In reality, his head is nothing but empty. He isn’t dumb, he just spaces out. Icarus is simply staring into the distance. Captain Santiago praises Icarus for being such a thoughtful and hardworking team member, and tells his other subordinates that they should all learn from him. Icarus just nods while they all look at him in awe. After all, he can’t ask why they’re admiring him for no reason. He doesn’t know either!

Icarus volunteered as a bodyguard for a fresh start on his life. He used to be an interrogator and torturer until that took a toll on his mental health and he could no longer see himself in that kind of work environment. There was an opening for a Paradiso bodyguard position, and he took the opportunity. Besides, it’ll be nice to be around people instead of working alone or with one other person most of the time.

Icarus agrees with his Captain and Vice-Captain on how Anabella is a bit too nice to her potential enemies. His superiors have come to the conclusion that he will be the one to do the deed after another bodyguard distracts Anabella and helps her out of the scene. After making sure that she won’t see or hear anything, Icarus will go forward and slaughter the threats. You can count on him to leave none alive. Perhaps due to Icarus’ previous job, he has the habit of striking at the most pain-sensitive parts of the body when he’s dealing with enemies. He’ll make sure he inflicts as much agony upon them as he can. He doesn’t even realize that part of his mindset from his interrogator days has carried over to his new job. Everyone is merciful when compared to Icarus. The last thing people witness before their deaths after being tortured for so long is their reflections in Icarus’ empty eyes while he’s holding his weapon up high and muttering “I’ll send you back to the sun”.

Icarus’ weapon of choice is a flail.

Heidi Kertia: Member. Belongs to Raskreia’s generation.

Heidi is energetic and curious. She has to constantly make an effort to not get distracted when she’s on the job, which is hard to do because everything just seems so interesting to her. One of the bodyguards’ jobs is to simply follow Anabella around. If she wants to sit by the lake, they’ll clear the area for her and stand next to her as she’s enjoying herself. If she wants to visit a friend, they’ll monitor the room, entrances, and hallways as she’s having tea time. Except in Heidi’s case, that’s easier said than done because she fascinated by everything Anabella does. She wants to catch a glimpse of the book Anabella is reading. She wants to listen in on Anabella’s conversations with her friends. She wants to have a taste of the macarons Titus packed for Anabella. Heidi knows she must retain her professionalism, so she doesn’t actually do those things. She dreams of it, though.

Heidi volunteered as a bodyguard because one of her relatives used to work for the Paradiso as a bodyguard. It’d be so cool if she could become one too, she thought. Her family is always talking about it, and she couldn’t help but be curious. That curiosity would grow into passion and before she knew it, she’s finished training herself and got accepted into Anabella’s team. It all happened so quickly. Heidi is more than excited for her new life, and her parents are very supportive of their daughter. She could’ve had a comfortable life at home being spoiled rotten by her loving parents, but she wanted to challenge herself. And so it began.

Heidi isn’t exactly an expert when it comes to hiding her thoughts and emotions. Her inquisitiveness is written all over her face and Anabella is more than perceptive enough to notice the sparkles in her bodyguard’s eyes. Anabella would invite Heidi to come join in on her activities. Heidi is of course overjoyed. Usually, that’s not allowed because a bodyguard is supposed to strictly stick to their job and purpose. Santi and Lluvia are quite okay with Anabella breaking the protocol for Heidi, and for a good reason too. This just means that Heidi can be the distraction or the “bait” to divert Anabella’s attention when one of them or Icarus goes ahead and kills the enemy. Heidi is very much aware of her captain and vice-captain’s plans. She’s very happy to fulfill her role as the distraction, and the three of them have a secret hand gesture between them where either Santi or Lluvia gives Heidi the cue and she goes bother Anabella while they deal with the rest.

At some point, Heidi and Anabella fall in love because they’ve bonded so much. Anabella is very excited to introduce her cute bodyguard girlfriend to everyone. And Heidi? She’s so happy she could ascend to heaven right now. Titus just chuckles that his daughter is a chip off the old block. His children’s other father, Harald, is one of his bodyguards after all. Seems like dating your bodyguard is the newest trendy thing!

Heidi is very fast and agile, and her job is to examine their surroundings and scan the area for suspicious activity. She’s the eyes and ears of her group.

Heidi’s weapon of choice is a pair of daggers.

Walela Ru: Member. Belongs to Raskreia’s generation.

Walela is one of the very few bodyguards who genuinely agrees with Anabella about avoiding conflict whenever possible, though it’s not because she dislikes seeing blood. She actually kind of likes it. Walela is just weighing all of the possibilities and she thinks whatever yields the least consequences is the most reasonable. Fighting back and possibly losing one or many of the bodyguards does more damage than simply running away to safety. They can always devise a plan and go back to track and eliminate the enemy once they’re fully prepared. Gather in bigger numbers, notice their allies, familiarize themselves with the area first… it could be anything. Finding replacements will be difficult as it takes centuries to train a bodyguard to this level. Plus, you don’t have to think about replacements if you never lose anyone.

For this reason, Walela dislikes the overwhelming “I’ll die for Anabella” mindset of her colleagues. Walela is willing to sacrifice herself for Anabella as well, just that she simply doesn’t like the way it is worded. Showing their loyalty and dedication is one thing, implying that everyone is somehow incompetent or underprepared therefore might possibly die at any moment is another. They’re pretty hardy. They’re well-trained and experienced. Speaking as if some of them won’t live till next week is invalidating everyone’s hard work, Walela thinks. Well, it won’t be helpful to say that out loud, so she doesn’t and just keeps her true feelings to herself.

Like Sonata from Team Titus, Walela volunteered as a bodyguard to obtain immunity from the Lord. She respects the Lord yet can’t help but sense something strange coming from her. Walela eventually does genuinely warm up to Anabella, though the benefits of immunity from the Lord is on her mind nonetheless. She won’t ever resign for as long as Anabella is willing to keep her on the team to have that immunity stay effective forever. Walela knows her options well. It benefits everyone, so what’s bad about it? Anabella gets a strong bodyguard, and Walela can ignore the Lord’s problems. A win-win situation for everyone.

Walela is an outstanding melee fighter and her area of expertise is close ranged hand-to-hand combat. Her job is to quickly subdue any enemy that comes forth while one of her colleagues delivers the finishing blow.

Walela is thinking about challenging Santi for the position of captain one day. It’ll take a lot of practice, but she feels positive about it.

Walela prefers to not use weapons and favors using her bare fists to fight, like the werewolves. She does carry brass knuckles on herself, and will use them when she sees fit.

Thank you for reading and stay tuned for future posts!

[doublel27]

When we talk about character development for Carlos, all I want more than anything is for him to unequivocally fuck up. Where something is his fault and he needs to take responsibility for it and fix it. Where the show acknowledges that he did something wrong. Where TK gets to be mad at him without apologizing or calling himself crazy or a bitch for being mad. Where Carlos doesn't get to make snide comments like "I thought maybe we broke up" or "I thought you ate with Coop" when TK tries to fix things. Where Carlos has to be like "shit, I messed up, and I need to be the one to take the first step with TK". I know you probably don't agree with me on this, but every time they've fought or had issues, to the best of my recollection TK is the one to step up to start the conversation and fix the issue. I don't mind Carlos having major flaws or doing messed up things like hiding a whole ass wife (in fact I love hot mess characters), I mind that it's always treated as a) not a real flaw or fuck up, or b) equally or mostly TK's fault. I want to see Carlos show real regret, and not for things that are just his anxiety talking - like not having a fire extinguisher in the bedroom or not being able to forsee a plane malfunction - but real, actual things he did that were wrong. And I just don't think we've seen that, even if I suspect you disagree.

Here's the funny thing, sweet nonny, I don't disagree with you as much as you think I do.

I've been shouting from the rooftops alongside others that TK IS the better communicator of the two. TK always brings stuff up to try and fix it. He's the one with strong boundaries and clear communication because he has learned and practiced doing so. TK is always the one giving speeches. TK is always the one modeling solid communication and relationship skills. He is the one who knows how to pull information out of Carlos that Carlos would rather not voice.

Carlos...is not a talker. Oh, he'll sit and help TK talk through one of TK's problems. He's gotten better about sharing his feelings and concerns as the seasons have gone on, but Carlos is a doer not a talker.

We've seen it pretty consistently. When Carlos fucks up or is mad, he tends to shut everything down or he gets snippy. My man is very attractive and he's very acts of service driven and very clearly cares very deeply, but when he has feelings he doesn't want he shuts it all down.

He's also conflict averse and is prone to telling white lies to avoid conflict. He's been like that since day one. FRIENDS the man sent a "You up?" text that TK thought was a booty call and had a candleight dinner with a fish from the farmers market that he "knows it looks like a lot but it really wasn't that big of a deal" CARLOS YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE ABOUT.

This man said with a STRAIGHT FACE "I'm not trying to be your boyfriend, or even your friend if you don't want that." after the infamous red snapper dinner. SIR! You wanted to marry that man from the first moment you met him. Carlos, you damn liar. TK touched you in the middle of a rescue and you then went and mooned over him in a honky tonk until you asked him to dance and y'all got very busy in the bathroom...I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT THAT YOU ARE OCCASIONALLY A LYING LIAR WHO LIES.

I don't know if we're ever going to get a big verbal mea culpa out of Carlos though, Nonny. If that's what you're looking for, it make take awhile.

Carlos's mea culpas (when not things he didn't actually do like fire extinguishers or planes) tend to be actionable items that he does to show he's heard TK or he's sorry or that he's working to be better. It comes in the form of asking TK out or giving TK space in 1x10 when TK says he has no idea what he wants. I know we all wanted Carlos to do a little more fighting there, BUT the last time TK tried to throw out boundaries in 1x02 we had Carlos calling TK crazy. Backing off WAS growth and an offering, that they clearly figured out sometime in the midst of that call.

We see it in season 2, when in 2x08 Carlos absolutely doesn't even attempt to back away from TK after rescuing him, even after his dad shows up, and Carlos heads over there with his chin raised ready to hear something about his relationship with TK as well as his poor choices.

Again in season two, after the fight at the fire station, while TK tries to apologize for what seems like the second time, Carlos insists they've already discussed it enough and he's busy making TK dinner (which is a massive way that Carlos shows he cares - feeding TK. He does it all the time)

Again, in 3.04, we have Carlos move TK in without saying anything as a sign that TK is fully welcome home regardless of whatever transpired before. In 3.13 Carlos learns from his spiral of not being able to be the one to acts of service TK into being better (because love doesn't cure mental illness) and manages to correct his mistakes and get out of the way of TK accessing life saving treatment from Cooper and stops conflaiting it with the acts of service Carlos performs (like putting pizza in the oven).

He's going to DO things not SAY things. And I think Carlos gets a lot of that from his family. Specifically, Gabriel. AND I think he does several of the things that rub him the wrong way with his father in his relationship with TK. Like, his father's attitude with Carlos and the bomber in Bad Call was not that dissimilar to Carlos with TK in 4.03 (although Gabriel was calmer, if not more disappointed) and even Gabriel's ability to shut that shit down got to TK in 4.04.

Apples don't fall far from the tree.

Anyway, in summation dear nonny, I don't disagree that TK has done a lot of verbal processing, apologizing and communication in this relationship. I just don't expect that Carlos is going to respond the way TK responds, because they're two entirely different people with two entirely different backgrounds that fit together like puzzle piecess.

[digisurvive]

The case of the mysterious woman

So, my friend got digisurvive for their birthday and was diligently texting me about it. When he met the mysterious woman, he remarked "lol this is arukenimon again, isn't it?" (We watched Ghost Game together, but she hasn't actually watched 02 LMAO).

At any rate, this got me thinking the scenario brings out very fun points of interest for Shuuji, Kaito and Aoi, regardless whether we, genre-savy digimon fans, can buy it.

We get our first taste of Shuuji's risk aversion in this part when he quickly shoots down the idea of going out to explore, backed by Aoi. In true Takuma fashion, we push the decision for later, much to Saki and Minoru's disappointment. From Minoru's side, who has the tendency to act impulsively and plan poorly ("Let's go out and look for the Professor asap, we can look for food on the way"), it's not surprising he'd take this stance. Despite his fear being getting the spotlight in his arc, it's not like he lacks an adventurous spirit or dislikes entertaining bizarre ideas; it's more about how inconsistent he is to act based on integrity because of falling into his avoidance coping and priotizing his own comfort or giving in to his emotions.

From Saki is more interesting, I think, given she was chased around by Fangmon alongside Shuuji and finds the possibility of violent confrontation distateful, not to mention she's fairly conflict adverse too. Still, she emphasizes the idea of at least trying something in part 5, and, with her cultivated optimism, expects for the best. This very strongly plays into why her and Minoru trust Arukenimon so easily. Lots of wishful thinking and wanting to believe the best can happen. I think one could have a lot of fun playing into how eager she is to jump into the apparent easy solution. The disillusionment certainly starts to set for her past part five lol

Shuuji's stance is, as said earlier, risk adverse. He doesn't wanna take any chances and he immediately jumps into the possibility of getting them all killed. At this point, he still hopes a search party will find them and hasn't yet been shown that won't be the case, so he's not being entirely irrational here. However, the fact remains that it's a defined pattern for him to reject taking any risks and freezing and failing to respond to the situations before him. The other thing that is also a pattern is how easily he caves in to external pressure. He doesn't have much trust in his own judgment, and his own personality and upbringing make him suceptible to that sort of external pressure— so once the majority outnumber him, he takes on the responsibility of spearhearding the exploration lol This carries over to the way he fails with Arukenimon. He's suspicious of her but eventually caves in to what his juniors want to do, even though it's so ill-advised. Given the Cherubimon evo scene underlines the need for him to embrace his "selfishness" and trust his own judgment, it's pretty great how even early conflicts show us how badly he struggles to actually put his foot down and stand by his discernment. On the flipsode, this trait of his isn't always negative, not imposing on the group can lead to some necessary outcomes, but the fact is that these early "agreements" stem from being outnumbered and not having any real alternative than to follow the group, so they usually bring out his shortcomings more often than not.

In the case of Aoi, I think it's interesting that she initially backs Shuuji up, only to change her mind when she hears about the radio tower. In part two, she wasn't opposed to looking for the Professor and co, but she disagreed about going out unprepared, wanting the group to find food first. As she puts it in part four when scolding Shuuji after his argument with Kaito, they can't get by without ever venturing outside. So, she's not as risk adverse as him but tends to prefer caution and less plans when they don't have a clear goal. She rejects the idea at first, but once she hears about the radio tower and reasons the benefits it'll have (being able to communicate with the world), she sees the risk as warranted. Arguably, she agrees with Shuuji and Kaito about the Mysterious Woman because of pragmatic reasons but completely fails to rouse the group under this directive. While being a pushover often seems more of a her problem, this scenario brings out really well how her inaction or inability to assert herself can have negative outcomes for them as a whole.

With regards Kaito, this scenario is a great reintroduction to his character. The initial reason he gives for not trusting Arukenimon can boil down to just instict (Everything we have met this far is a monster, what makes you think she isn't), even in the face of the partnermon not being able to confirm his suspicions. Beyond that, he's so riled up by Arukenimon, he comes off as too irrational and violent (Shuuji and Minoru straight have to hold him back from fist fighting her, which is just hilarious). I think this makes him easy to dismiss by Minoru and Saki, even though his case is actually pretty credible once he actually explains it LOL The fact Dracmon straight up says "We'll go through this, and if we're wrong, we'll say sorry afterwards" makes it doubly funny. Despite being right and having pretty solid reasoning, he sure makes himself look pretty badly lol

[000scans]

[scans] TTT vol. 3/13 vernon | interview (english transcription under cut) take out with full credits

(note: the interview is also in Korean, Japanese, and Chinese. the scans and following transcription are from the English version. you can also read it on werverse here.)

“Black Eye” VERNON Interview

A lot of people were probably expecting your solo song to be hip hop, but “Black Eye” is a punk song.

When I first went to make a song, I couldn’t really think of what I should do. But I have a friend named Robb Roy who worked on “Ash” off FACE THE SUN and thought I could work with him on the song. He’s a graphic designer by trade, so he made the album art for my single album. We also like a lot of the same music and talk a lot. He was with me when I was in the studio and writing my rap for “Ash” and giving me ideas. We ended up working together better than I expected so I said we should do something together for real. I had a few other songs but the people who listened to them all said this was the most suitable one so I ended up going with that one.

You’ve always been interested in punk, right? I heard you listened to it a lot when you were young too.

I guess I was exposed to rock even as a kid.

My parents are really into it, too. I heard it a lot when I was young, and I feel like pop punk started to get popular again over the last few years. I dabbled in it for the past two years but now I’m really getting into it.

I was really impressed by the character in your song, as far as being punk goes. He really seems like a punk - like how he gets lost in his own anger and is so averse to talking to other people that he calls himself his own friend.

The song was inspired by a mutual friend of Robb and me. He’s sort of distracting. (laughs) And he feels lonely a lot of the time. Not everything in the song’s about him, of course, but we did take some inspiration from him when making it. He’s the one who suggested the title when I played it for him after we changed the original version with Korean and English all mixed together to be all English. That’s when he came up with the idea to call it “Black Eye.” I thought it was a really good fit for that rough-around-the-edges feel. 

“Black Eye” refers to an injury, but in the context of this song, I feel like it could also mean emotional pain. He refuses other people’s attempts to get close to him, then it ends with, “Knock knock, Is there anybody out there?” So it feels more psychologically pressing.

I decided that would be an appropriate ending. The ego of the character in the song sort of goes back and forth in the outro. He might suddenly have a lot of fun with someone and get too close, then push them away because he’s afraid of hurting them. But he pauses a little after saying that. Like he’s not sure whether he should really go away (laughs) and then, knock knock - that’s how it ends. I wrote that part and I agree that it works really well. Haha.

Do you yourself ever feel conflicted like that?

I’m not quite that bad. (laughs) I’m definitely the kind of person who needs other people. I want to be able to rely on others.

There must be a lot of times when it’s hard to express how much you need people since you do work that a lot of people recognize you through. What do you do when you want to express that to someone but you can’t? 

It all comes down to differences in perception in the end. Eventually. I think for certain things, when I decide to see them one way or feel a certain way about them, that’s the only way I’m going to see or feel about them. So even though I might not be able to control my feelings, it’s down to the way I think about it, so I do think I have a certain amount of control.

Is that what you like about hip hop and rock, then - that it gives you a way to control and express your feelings?

I think that’s part of it. I think my tendency toward that also influences my tastes. I felt this great sense of relief when I made “Black Eye,” even. I was able to make it exactly how I wanted, and yelling and telling the story through lyrics was a major stress reliever and really fun.

Your vocals in “Black Eye” are amazing. You sing in low, husky tones on certain words and it makes your vocals impactful even when you sing more quietly during the chorus.

As you say, some parts are a little husky and deepish, but I also feel I found a bit childlike at parts. I don’t know why, but I’ve always felt that way. I didn’t really like that when I was younger, but as I got older I realized it gave me something unique. That’s why I wanted to do pop punk: to sing something that suits my voice.

I was really impressed how you just used your particular vocal tone to carry the chorus in a quiet voice rather than going for something big. It only serves to add to the feeling that you were screaming your lungs out beforehand.

I wrote the melody for the chorus and Robb wrote the verses and outro. It really was a collaborative process. The whole song is basically me yelling, so I consciously told myself to ease up a bit when I was recording the vocals. Since I’m already shouting, I thought it would be overkill if I shouted even louder, so I tried to have a light touch when we were mixing it, keeping it relatively clean and not trying to beautify it too much with reverb or anything and keeping that to a minimum. 

You say you tried to minimize the amount of reverb, but it seems like the recording picked up a natural amount of echo from the way you sang. Were you going for a live sound?

I’ve been to that recording studio a number of times since debuting, so I’m really familiar with it and I’m close with the recording engineer, so I asked them to listen while I was recording and kept asking them for their feedback, too. I wanted it to sound clear and very pop punk. 

Working on this was different from working on a SEVENTEEN album. Now that you can look back, how do you feel about it?

I realized a lot of places I can improve while I was working on “Black Eye.” This was supposed to be my song, but I think I realized too late that there were things I should’ve been taking a more active leadership role in. When we’re working as SEVENTEEN, we make things together and the label helps us in various ways, but I think there were parts of “Black Eye” I didn’t direct properly because I was doing it with the mindset of a member of SEVENTEEN. So it was an opportunity to learn how to do better for next time.

I imagine you felt a little regretful about that inasmuch as you were also your own producer.

You’re right. Exactly. With SEVENTEEN, there’s the other members and lots of professionals, so even when it’s my song, we’re making it together, but I was the only one who knew what I wanted in this case and was doing it all on my own, so I realized I should’ve been doing more to direct things. I u sed to feel like I was really trapped in a corner, and this time I was trying to be more receptive, but I was so focused on trying to hear out other people’s ideas and opinions that sometimes it was different from what I envisioned. It also taught me that it’s good to do everything in moderation. 

You have to consider what other people say all the time when you’re working with SEVENTEEN. It can’t be easy for all of you to find a balance between making your ideas heard and listening to others.

And there’s 13 of us (laughs) so we’re always trying to figure out what to do at any given moment. Sometimes I think my ideas were better or more logical but what people do isn’t always based on logic. Lots of unexpected things come up in a process like that but I think there’s no other answer to finding common ground than to keep the communication flowing. I find we’re actually more like a family because we were put together through a casting process. It’s similar to how you’re born and you get the brothers and sisters that you get. You keep talking and come to understandings and that makes it more like siblings in a family. 

Does continuous communication work to solve problems? 

Sometimes it works better than other times, but it’s absolutely better to talk it out than not to. Absolutely.

How do these conversations lead to solutions? You must have to open up to one another.

Going up to them... I mean, we see each other all the time. We have casual chats about whatever in the green room, so if there’s any source of conflict, we specifically bring it up and talk about it. Just directly. And I think even more important than talking is listening - being open and listening attentively.

It’s not always easy to hear people out and take their suggestions.

 The listening’s the easy part. For example, I don’t like drinking that much, but there’s people who still like it even if it makes them sad or cry a lot. I can’t really understand people like that, but even though I might not understand them, that doesn’t make what they’re saying untrue. Just because they can’t explain it doesn’t mean they don’t like it. So I think I’m trying to accept things even if I can’t understand them. Just like that.

That reminds me of something you said in Weverse Magazine when you recommended the movie Everything Everywhere All at Once: “Let’s be kind. Let’s love each other. Right away.”

Maybe I was in sort of a late-night mood (laughs) but the lesson in Everything Everywhere All at Once is quite simple. But I think actually managing to convey that message is an unbelievably big deal. Because you might know you should be friendly and loving, but actually becoming that kind of person is really hard.

It is hard, isn’t it?

Sometimes it doesn’t work out, you know? At one point I was told that I hardly talked anymore so it was hard for people to talk to me. I was a little shocked when I heard that. I never try to make things difficult for people but I wonder if it’s my fault for being too cautious. Relationships between people - they’re never easy. The other members were able to tell me that because they’ve known me for so long. That’s helping me grow up more.

I bet you had a lot on your mind when you weren’t talking as much. 

I think it made me more introspective. And I’m still getting more so this year - about my character, my career, my attitude towards other people. I think that’s why I became more cautious at the same time. I always considered introspection important, but the pandemic gave me the chance to reflect more. With less promotion to do, I had more time to think.

Would you say that introspection is one way of finding yourself?

I don’t really think it’s about finding myself. Rather, it’s me who projects my environment and my spirit. I think it’s more about me being a reflection of my environment and my mind. I don’t really focus on finding myself.

I feel like you often describe yourself as wanting to come across as simple and real. Is this an extension of that other way of thinking?

One time I asked my friend out of the blue what I’m like and he said he likes me because I’m that kind of person. I really liked that somehow because I never saw myself coming across that way before. But when I think about it, it seems accurate. Even when I was young I preferred things that are plain and simple and not over the top, so I think that makes up a bigger part of who I am. 

What do you mean by “simple”?

“Simple”? When you just ask like that, it’s really hard to answer. I guess there’s nothing in life that’s 100% true, but I guess you could say that something’s simple if it’s real and honest. When I was young, I was trying to be someone who I wasn’t, but it wasn’t really me. It hurt me to my core. And I was probably influenced by always seeing the way my parents were unpretentious. I never want people to dislike me, but I think that if I’m like this and someone still doesn’t like me, I shouldn’t worry about it .It’s not like I”m trying too hard to do things my own way - I’m just trying not to be someone I’m not.

You were homeschooled while you were a trainee and now as a member of SEVENTEEN you’re a celebrity, which is quite a different life from other people your age. It can’t be easy staying true to yourself and living unselfishly under those circumstances.

Naturally my lifestyle is different from that of other people my age, but I don’t think there’s much of a difference beyond that. Sometimes I hang out with my friends and their friends and I think the reason it’s so chill is that it strips me of my celebrity status I used to think there was something inexplicably different about celebrities when I was young, but once I started working I realized - and I know this is a cliché to say - that celebrities really are just normal people. It seems obvious but it’s pretty easy to lose sight of the fact.

When you say “lose sight of,” part of that must also be trying to stay aware that we’re all alike.

Right. I think it’s really dangerous to forget that.

Is that way of life at all related to how you keep up with trends? It seems like you have a good grasp of pop culture, including movies, as well as your generation’s culture. 

I think the main reason is that I just find it interesting. If I feel like there’s something I need to learn about, I want to learn about it. It’s hard to really get into some things without having all the necessary background knowledge but I still try to know everything I can about those things because it’s in my nature to.

That seems to be your position: living differently from most people but still always taking an interest in what everyone knows and likes.

Personally, I think that’s a good position to have - sort of being part of the audience. If you only see what’s right in front of you, you miss everything else. Like, more of a bird’s-eye view? That lets you see more of the big picture.

What kind of music do you want to make for other people in your age group, since you’re in that position? You’ve said before that you want to make music that the young people of your generation would listen to.

As far as a message goes, I want to make music that listeners my age can relate to or that people who like the same things as me would enjoy. I’m also doing it because I like it, of course, but I think it’s best to make music that people who like the same things as me would like. I don’t think my tastes are that unusual.

You want to connect your own world with the world of others, but I guess it isn’t easy. A lot of people watch what you do. In your Mindset interview, you said that your greatest fear in life is “revealing m true feelings.”

What I meant by that is that I’m afraid to reveal my true feelings publicly. We’re in a world now where it’s kind of dangerous to reveal your deepest thoughts, you know? People are too quick to judge.

I guess it’s no surprise that you can’t say everything you want about some things due to the nature of your job. The job of an entertainer is sort of balancing act between wanting to fully express yourself and having to consider how others perceive you. Have you found a way to deal with that?

No. How to deal with it? I don’t think there’s any way to solve that problem completely. I think the only thing you can do is keep trying until the day you die.

Until the day you die.

Maybe it sounds melodramatic, but what I’m saying is... My mom told me something. She said that life is a process you go through until your dying day of trying to figure out who you are. Sort of a journey to ask, Who am I? People naturally change a little bit as the years go by. If you want to redeem yourself by always trying to be better, I don’t think there’s any other way but to keep trying until the day you die.

[reyesstrand]

Can we just appreciate how calm, sweet and patient carlos was when tk was spiralling over what iris (we’ve no idea if carlos thought what tk was upset about was something iris said to him) said to him? He could’ve got angry and frustrated but he just didn’t? He could see tk was having a moment and was clearly very upset about it and carlos just walked over calmly and sat with tk and answered his questions very matter of fact but not in patronising or invalidating way and was very loving and honest.

hi yes i’ve been thinking about this exact thing since last night like!!! we’re so used to many of the problems between the boys being caused by miscommunication due to carlos’ aversion to conflict and the hard conversations, and tk’s fight or flight instinct telling him to run. but their growth is demonstrated beautifully here. besides the fact that this scene is so full of little details about the loft and how they interact with each other when they’re home alone, but we see them in the midst of an obviously stressful few days. and it shows that carlos knows tk inside and out. tk’s zoned out and swimming in self doubt and insecurity and worrying about drowning carlos with his own brokenness, and the moment he starts voicing that worry, carlos snaps his head up and knows. he admits that he’s surprised by tk’s claim but he knows tk isn’t actually wanting to call off the marriage—it’s just his self doubt gnawing away at him. and instead of avoiding the conversation, he sits down on that couch, makes space for himself, and keeps him and tk as pressed together as possible as a reminder that he’s here and they’re talking this through and nobody’s running away. he’s as vulnerable as we’ve ever seen him, carlos truly getting to the core of what tk means to him (as i rambled about here) and how in love with him he is, and his own openness here allows tk to reevaluate how he sees himself. and carlos throws some flirting in there too because that’s who they are. we truly see them as each other’s support systems and we see how they’re done approaching problems as anything but a team. and i’m so so so in love with it.

[d1rlin]

you DO know that endos are systems who didnt form from trauma, right? not people claiming to have did/etc. with no trauma. the carrd linked in your dni says endos harm did/etc. communities when they arent even in those communities, and (for the most part, not saying there isnt bad apples) dont target or harrass anyone with did/etc. feel free to not answer this but i just hope you learn to understand the people you hate before you hate them.

This does not include

- those who are groomed into believing their trauma wasn't good enough, those who were denied proper help, Those who are in denial about being a traumagen system, has conflicting disorders that makes it harder to be diagnosed, Etc

This applies to

those who want to be a system, those who want to "try" being a system, those who are wanting any disorders for fame, clout or their personal greed, read more here and here

DIDOSDD is a survival disorder. These posts on my blog are snippets. Do not take these out of context without knowing the full background on this you speak about, you can block me at any given time, I will not be arguing about something that professionals have said is fake. You can try to cancel me or think I'm saying shit out of my ass, I truly and respectfully do not care what others think of me. Especially online.

Feel free to block me if you think I'm just a cunt but truthfully they're not valid unless if the reasonings I gave line up with some of their stories. But don't drown out the ones who wants to be a system or want alters. Not to mention it is ableist. No one should want to be a system or have ANY disorder.

With that out of the way here's my half asleep response;

Yes and no, some people and if not majority of the endo 'systems' claim to be systems. Systems is a term used for DID/OSDD/UDD systems. Im not hating on anyone, that would by definition mean "to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry." I am not being hostile. I am not throwing no one under the bus. I repost posts from others blogs, I share my thoughts. And truthfully someone being endo or "other genic" is not possible.

I can feel differently towards those who actively want this disorder, please before you go in my asks make sure to do proper research and search. Before trying to judge how I feel about things that are scientifically proven to be false. Endos does harm the DIDOSDD community. By not only throwing traumagenic systems under the bus or trying to shun their voices away to fit the endo's narrative but also giving out misinformation. This does not outshine that some endos can be groomed into thinking they are an endo system but in factuality they can be a traumagenic system, thinking their trauma wasn't enough to be a system.

And in your own words and I quote "endo's are systems who didn't form from trauma." You're right some of them didn't. Which means they're invalid. Also how am I harassing others when I do not go in dms, i rarely if not ever go in someone's asks unless if it's about hyperfixations (that was only one person and one time. I saw they liked psychology and so do I) so your story is not adding up, it is trying to paint me as a terrible person who goes and harasses others. Please for the love of god get the full context, don't assume anything about me or put up lies about me. Especially saying I hate xyz. No. No I do not. You aren't me and I aren't you. So until you can tell me what exactly I feel or do in a daily do not try and write a narrative about me. Without proper reasoning, context, research, and context clues. As well as your own personal biases out of the story, pin point where I said and done what, send proof and actually think before making any lies about me. Thank you, next.

[william-s-churros]

olan headcanons lol

VERY RAMBLING AND SUBJECT TO CHANGE LOL. if youve read my fics some of this stuff will be obvious but if not, here. you can avoid my fics entirely. i change tenses a lot i think in this and im so sorry

i think that being married was genuinely like a traumatic experience for him. i think he very much did experience intense romantic attraction to his wife at first, but that it probably petered out very, very quickly and for no discernable reason (possibly just that they were incompatible in the long term, which would be obvious if not for the fact that they were still in the honeymoon phase) but he was probably a very conflict-averse person who values his ability to go with the flow, even if that flow is incredibly damaging for him to go with. its just easier to, rather than fight, escape into alcoholism and mouldering resentment. i mean, i dont say this to exuse his neligence as a husband and father, but just to explain why lol. im sure he was a terrible, terrible father in the process of all this. just also maybe that he didnt have a good time either lol. like im sure part of that feeling of being unnecessary to them was him making himself unavailable to even be neccesary.

definitely married young because he got his then-girlfriend pregnant. definitely then married her because that's the good catholic boy thing to do. (also yeah hes catholic in my mind lmao. what else is new with me. i feel like theres probably a sizeable catholic community in olathe for no reason besides i said so, because i love giving characters very catholic-y feelings lol)

i think probably, in the aftermath of this, he enjoys the freedom from his family quite a bit. like, im sure he didnt want them to die, but he probably never wanted to see them again. like the responsibility of having a family was too much for him, and he constantly failed at it, so not having that failure and pressure hanging over his head is a welcome relief, even if the method by which it happened was extremely unfortunate. i kind of imagine that loss was something more of a hollowness than a more typical sense of grief. im sure he feels very weird and bad about all of it, but thats what drinking is for! eyyyyy. probably a lot of that feeling weird and bad is worrying about the judgment of others, too.

as a result, i feel like his relationship style is probably like. none. like i imagine since his marriage was so terrible, he probably just assumes that every relationship he's in will also be terrible because he assumes he is just terrible at relationships, and does his best to actively avoid being actually romantically involved with people, to actively avoid developing feelings for people, or even like sleeping with people more than once. that said, i feel like he would fuck anyone with a pulse who gave him the go ahead lmao. he's looking for good memories (and a stiff drink ofc) more than anything! and that means trying to do as much fun stuff as he can before he dies. i do sort of feel like that its extremely possible to fall into those intense romantic feelings-- the kind he had early on with his wife-- but they, again, would probably not last a very long time, and his system of being a one-and-done lay works to insulate him from those feelings (typically)

all this stuff if meant to insulate him from pain and conflict of course. i feel like he probably lies (or "bends the truth" lol) frequently for similar reasons.

definitely someone who only really does stuff he's either already good at or is good at immediately lol. zero discipline

no gag reflex at all (extremely important headcanon)

uhh i think he's probably pretty gay? but he doesn't think of himself that way. in his mind, he's straight, but also willing to play the cards he's been dealt because he enjoys having sex and, you know, why not? its probably more accurate to say that he's bisexual, but he probably never considered the possibility of sleeping with a man until after the flash when that was all that was available. i feel like he made it like 3 months before being like oh... whatever... fine. ill try sucking cock. he's also vers lol, mostly because a lot of other "straight" men after the flash don't want to bottom.

he's good at other long range accuracy sports (like darts and uhhh bowling??) but he has zero coordination when it comes to hand to hand combat.

tall? maybe not super tall, but still on the taller side, like 6ft. also one of those people whos never had to work out to maintain his physique. a lot of things like this have been very easy for him in life, which cultivated his very poor discipline habits. probably of average intelligence, but very good at bullshitting and thus got good grades in school.

he has an associates degree in communications.

he did not enjoy his job, but he did enjoy being away from his family. decent-ish salesman? it helps that he's very friendly and basically handsome. definitely drank on the clock.

has a DUI, but has driven under the influence hundreds if not thousands of times lol. he's probably smoked weed only a few times when he was younger but he didn't know what he was doing and didn't actually get high (he probably had a bit of a placebo effect where he felt what he thought people felt while high on marijuana, which was not accurate at all) he grew up in a household where drinking was very normal and began drinking as a very young teen (13 or 14?) also a casual smoker, especially likes to smoke after sex or a good meal.

he's a bit of a square, and especially was one before the flash. he definitely did things that were expected of him (i.e. getting married) because that was the normal thing to do more than because he wanted to. he had a pretty deep investment in appearing to be normal before the flash. after the flash, he's not nearly as worried, but he still has some residual mindsets that are hard to get over, which lead him to do things like, for example, consider himself to be straight lol

he obviously has a very high tolerance for alcohol and could drink any other party member under the table.

he "likes" birdie, but birdie also makes him feel extremely insecure about how terrible he was as a father and how little he cares that his family is dead. sometimes, this causes him to lash out at birdie in really stupid ways, like over-exaggerating just how little he cared about his family to upset birdie. he does regret doing this because it makes birdie cry. birdie does not really like olan because of this type of behavior, but often forgets that when he's particularly plastered, and olan is usually the only person who is willing to drink as much as he is, so they do hang out together despite both of them kind of not enjoying the experience at all.

he likes brad a lot because brad is very weird lmao. he's just curious about him and asks him a lot of questions (most of which brad does not answer of course) and wants brad to like and trust him. he also wants to make brad have fun and relax (good luck with that one bud... lmao)

I don't think he has much interest in buddy at all? he fully supports brad abandoning his quest to save her, of course, mostly because he doesnt see the point of it.

he probably gets along with nern pretty well but definitely only enjoys his rambly ass stories when he's good and drunk. they complain about their dead wives with each other. yeah he probably kind of sucks about women, not in like a malicious way per se but more in the sense that he's just an idiot man. basically. lmao. but nern really brings out the worst in him on the subject of women.

he likes terry a lot because terry is a ridiculous person and a lot of fun. ignoring the fact that i ship them, i think he just really enjoys what a silly, weird dude he is. he is probably a longtime hint enjoyer and was pleased to meet the guy who wrote them all. NOT ignoring that i ship them, i feel like olan sort of views terry as one would a manic pixie dream girl, like, terry makes his life so exciting! he's going to pull olan out of this existential mire! he's making olan feel things again! he's damaged and desperate for love! and he's such a freak in bed! idk. its not the most accurate of reads is all im saying. idk how it would work out in the longrun with them, though. i think olan would kind of maybe slide into his avoidant-resentful mode if enough time passed, but it might take longer than it did with his wife because theyre just really good at having sex with each other lol.

he's probably been to the beehive like plenty of times so queen roger knows of him and he knows of queen roger, but i doubt theyve encountered each other much outside of maybe roger kicking him out on his ass because he was too drunk or trying to sleep there like its a hotel

and uhhh i havent thought a lot about what he thinks of the other companions as much. i feel like he probably likes most of them? he probably likes most people he meets tbh.

anyway im tired of writing this long ass shit lol bye

[rxttenfish]

im thinking about merfolk relationships again and

so, on top of their hierarchy of relationships and complex social nesting structure, they, overall, are VERY polyamorous as a group. like, to the point to where their degree of polyamory was a huge driving force in their evolution, and you can absolutely see evidence of this in even their physical features which i cannot discuss here.

however i think it’s important to clarify that, within merfolk, said polyamory presents WILDLY different and has a huge range between different individuals. there are different models for this polyamory that pop up based on relationship hierarchy, status, individual, etc etc etc - and there are certain types of exclusivity that will pop up from time to time as well, both differing among individuals but also even over lifetimes.

like for miranda specifically, she’s what we might call demiromantic. which means, for a merfolk, she’ll have flings and be intimate with people who she’s not as close to, but these relationships are often limited in scale and in time, and if they start getting “too close” to her or demanding “too much” of her, she’ll break it off. in comparison, she’ll only have continued and extended relationships with those in more intimate social relationships with her, effectively only truly wanting and able to form more longform relationships with those who are within the “friend polycule” that i’ve brought up before. the social mobility of her relationships are more limited and you’re less likely to ever be cared about again after she’s had her fun, unless you belong to a continued and close relationship to her that already exists. likewise, she might go for periods where she’ll refuse to have relationships with those outside said “friend polycule”, or even where she’ll only ever be intimate with one person inside the “friend polycule” who she’s gone exclusive with.

and of course, multiple combinations of this are possible. there are merfolk who won’t have relationships with anyone within their “friend polycule” and merfolk who have no preference at all, or those who will switch it up.

in a way, a lot of these are defined by time, and even moreso because while sex is a more open issue for merfolk, it also comes with some unique aspects to them - such as the fact that sex is seen as a political agreement as well as a personal one, and thus one of miranda’s sexual partners could argue that she showed them political favor by doing so. this is even more complicated by the factor of how sex is used to resolve arguments and fights by merfolk, and thus its factored back into their complex social dynamics. i’ve joked that merfolk hate sex stops being hate sex when they cum - but its not unheard of for a merfolk to refuse to fuck someone on the basis of they’re still angry and don’t want to resolve the issue yet, or that they’re still CONVINCED that they’re in the right.

its also part of why miranda comes off as both promiscuous in her actions and sex-averse in her words and phrasing - it’s discouraged for her, as a royal of a significant title, to EVER openly discuss who she’s fucking and if she wants to fuck someone if they aren’t already in an existing legal agreement with her family or with significant favor from the vanderbilts already. resorting to innuendos and dressing it up as something else is fun too, yes, but it’s also a legal albi and something she can default back to if they ever decide to make what’s just personal fun for miranda into a legal ordeal that she has to clean up.

ironically this is why most royal couples seldom actually fuck. they’ll do it, sure, but they’re so often positioned against each other and given conflicting interests and ambitions that it often becomes an issue of..... they’re having an argument and neither party wants to resolve it. ironically they’ll say they fuck far more often than they actually do to buff up how they’re presented in the courts and being seen as more in-agreement with each other than they actually are.

but considering how the royal families operate within the community system of the merkingdom, this isn’t much of an issue regardless, and having any given royal couple get along isn’t really that important in the grand scheme of things. if anything, it can even be encouraged, depending on if said family wants to present itself as more fair and capable of handling complex issues, by having conflicting interests being balanced within their court without unfair bias to either.

in turn, being too invested in your partner can be considered a conflict of interests, as effectively a means of “mixing up work and pleasure”, and being too devoted to a single person and not to the family line as a whole.

in an entirely different turn of events, this is ironically why bellanda and miranda come off as less close than they actually are when in the courts - as their genuine connection and bond can be seen as an unfair bias and thus reason to suspect that they’ve passed up other, equally or more, qualified people and opportunities, because they gave an automatic pass to each other.