#I am so fucking depressed and anxious all the time
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TW IN TAGS: MENT OF FATHERS, SH, AND IMPLIED AB*SE
#I want to die#I am so fucking depressed and anxious all the time#anytime my dad is around I get so anxious and on-edge#I don’t feel safe and haven’t talked to him in a week#my mom is mad at me bc I relapsed#and they’re like. the opposite of a shallow wound#lmfao#things have been terrible at home. I’m always leaving the house or the common areas when he’s around#I wanna relapse but I think my mom will be able to sense it#bc I try to let these ones air out bc I didn’t suture them this time#and if I keep them covered they ooze and it’s nasty as fuck#so she knows what they look like rn#but I meannnn I already did it so why not lmao#trigger warning#tw#negative#ab me#ab dad#this is mine#trauma#the only thing keeping me here are my dogs. that’s literally it#cuz I don’t think they’ll know what happened to me if I leave#so I don’t wanna do that to them
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Look, I just think it's VERY funny and on brand that I thought of an entire premise of colorful characters for half the cast and immediately drew the only one void of color.
#my characters#i will not bore you all too much in the main post but now its story time in the tags so yeefuckinghaw#noll is a fae and is distinctly the only one that just lacks colors#at first he was like well surely i can wear colorful stuff to make up for my dark hair and eyes !#and then he overhears some of the fae talking about how hes a blemish to the fae and hes like well fuck#guess its time to go all in baby! and decks himself out in all black and jagged clothing#and he tries to play it off as hes an idiot and a lot of the fae actually believe its not ALL an act#like they can tell he thinks about stuff but he normally does it staring into space so they dont care to ask#cause surely it isnt important enough to brood about hes just thinking about stuff#and he really REALLY has a lot of confidence issues and worries that more fae are disturbed by his darkness than let on#but then the other fae that like to hang out with him are like#YOOOOOO THATS OUR LIL VOID! THATS OUR LIL GUY! our lil black spot look at him hes so edgy and cute!#and treat him like a pet cat at times giving him head pats even if he bats their hands away#and the plot premise is that some of the fae are bored and decide they should go play with some humans! give THEM enrichment too!#and noll gets roped into it and The Game is basically go find a human partner and convince them to be an ally#then the fae give the humans cool lil toys (weapons) and are like GO FORTH MY CHAMPION!#so noll keeps like ... not picking anyone to participate because its not just A Game to him#if he can prove victorious in A Game with outside factors such as humans then he can prove hes not#an absolute disappointment to the fae like he has a lot riding on this in his mind#and his friends are just like buddy you cant even play if you dont pick a human you gotta#anyway here is noll and then i have ideas for two other fae and also a veeeery vague idea for two of the humans though not as sure yet#rae if you read all this you should know the cobalt is a fae thanks bye#i am so stressed posting ocs every single time and i am incredibly depressed and anxious#so good lord please let me not just delete all the tags in an hour bc im ashamed
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:/
#wanting to be on here so much more often but im so anxious about the current state of the world and trying to get a job#i get rejection after rejection and my parents are literally talking behind my back and are recommending me jobs that just need a hs diploma#or they think im not applying#and then theres these two equal and opposing forces: one who is so scared of moving far far far away from home and wants to stay in the#familiar forever. and the other side wants to gtfo and make something of life#my brain is just so loud and i feel like such a failure all the time and my parents are only making me feel worse#it shouldn't be this fucking hard to get a job in bioengineering. it's fucking engineering#and back to the parent thing... i wouldn't be this upset if they weren't so pushy. in this job market it takes approx 6 months for new grads#to get a job#it hasn't even been two months#ik they want what's best. but i feel so belittled#i feel belittled by everything these days like it takes me forever to respond to messages and i feel so depressed#maybe i just need a good cry but i truly am just so stuck and i wish future me could grab me by the shoulders and tell me it's gonna fucking#be ok and just relax#i just dont see anything good happening for me in the future#negativity tw#apple lady words
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everything you see ab being the oldest daughter is true btw why am i the family therapist AND punching bag smh
long ass depressing rant in the tags srry i got a wee bit emotional
#my dad has something going on where there's a ringing in his ear my mom has tendonitis and neck pain now#and i feel for both of them i'm goin to cvs to get the meds giving my mom massages every night talking to my dad to distract him#they're both going to the correct doctors#but just throwing it out there i have had tendonitis and chronic upper back pain for 5-6 years and no one gave a shit most i've gotten is#jokes that i'm faking it#i'm in physical therapy for my back NOW but that's bc i finally crawled out of the depression long enough to do it myself#which is fine whatever i'm 22 i should be the one making my own appointments and it'd be weird if i wasn't#but when i was 16 or 17???#being hospitalized for STRESS HEADACHES at 14 too???#who gets hospitalized for that shit and how were my parents not concerned that i at the age of 14 was#so stressed out that my head was pounding all the time#and bc i'm the third parent who has to be the only emotional safe space#i don't say anything if my sisters are rude to me bc at least they feel safe enough around me to be rude to me#i have to listen to everyone and their momma's problems#i'm in law school!!! i do not need this i'm anxious all the time!!!#and if i'm not anxious i'm depressed!!!#my therapist point blank tells me shit like 'you're incredibly lonely' or 'you have way too much on your shoulders' and it makes me CRY#the most basic fucking observations that i KNOW but hearing someone else acknowledge it and not berate me fucking sends me into TEARS#i get messages from online friends here like 'hey i saw your post you don't deserve that' i physically cannot keep my eyes dry!!#every time i have any interaction ever i am at least a little uncomfortable bc i am always trying so hard to make sure i come off as kind#and not awkward or mean#i feel like everyone around me was given some kind of how to manual on life that i wasn't#and i KNOW this is not unique tons and tons of people feel like this#i know this is the depression and the anxiety and the possible autism i'm well aware#but then every couple of days my mom gets the brilliant idea to tell me i'm rude or lazy or whatever and i lose my shit#i just wanna sleep and write fanfics in the nicest way possible i hate everyone#i will try my best to not be mean to anyone bc no one deserves it but i am angry and i am constantly feeling the hurt of my inner child#my MOTHER threw a hardcover book at my HEAD when i was ten bc i had been reading and hid the book under the pillow#what the actual fuck????#my dad's response to any and everything is to deal with it
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#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable#im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work#property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me#like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well#and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for#Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too#like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and#down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy#last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just#feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b#put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back#down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then#that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her#i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better#on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out#dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles#but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol#unrelated
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what is wrong with my dad i hope he dies man wtfðŸ˜
#tickets didn't get confirmed so he's like gaadi se aa jao??? bc akal nahi hai kya car se aayi aisi journey jisme train se 12 hr lagte hai#mujhe nahi jana car is so suffocating and i feel sick and i hate trips longer than like 3 hours#and what am i supposed to do for so fucking in the car ill go fucking insane i was literally folding clothes and thinking what am i even#doing with my life why am i alive i need to kill myself end it all its all pointless#the only way to stop these thoughts is being busy and studying doesn't help and watching 5 hours of netflix doesn't help#now im supposed to be alone with my thoughts and my phone and my depressing music#and be anxious in the car all the time because he is mad at me cause i haven't been studying so idk what he'll do when i get there#probably make me drop out of those tuis or be like you stay here with me in the middle of nowhere#great just fucking grand
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#I'm having anxiety for some reason which is an unfamiliar physical feeling for me#I do depression and my SISTER does anxiety we're the mental illness brothers you see#but nooo apparently she has lent me some anxiety or whatever#anyway I was feeling useless and kind of like shit about how I never do anything anymore#and never get anything done or help around the house or even clean up my own living space#so I just decided I was gonna get out of bed at three in the morning and sweep the whole house#which like. that's fine I guess#and I wouldn't sit down or take a break even when I wanted to stop because I have got to!! start fucking doing things I can't just#be a lump that complains and consumes resources all my life#but anyway that was a bad idea or whatever bc my hands and feet got real hot and red and now I feel like I'm gonna frow up#I'm laid out on the couch near the phone charger. save me phone charger. charger for my phone save me#so what do we think am I feeling unwell from the activity because I don't do the activity enough or because I am just unwell#last time I swept a large area AND mopped was less than a month ago#I. also had to lay down after that actually except I was at work#just laid across a row of seats like yeah just. gimme a fuckin second to necromancy myself here#anyway#I'm a lil anxious bc of my neurology appointment I guess?? it's either that or the Wellbutrin#OR a yet to be identified food sensitivity maybe??#I actually have no fucking clue I just have a bunch of ideas ranked by plausibility#I'm. a little dizzy and the nausea is mcgetting me#farewell cruel world it's been nice knowing u
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#I haven't been online much#i live on discord and my mental health has been declining by the day#i hate the people that are supposed to be my friends in uni#and I hate myself for keeping up this act that I don't#im anxious all the time and I feel like depression is for real approaching#im going to the uni therapist in a few weeks as I decided that it might be good to get tips on being stable#i made an appointment when I was doing well three or four weeks ago#well this week was the intake meeting and bro bro I can't believe myself#i spent a year crying and growing and healing and everything and Im still at this shitty place#and the worst is that I know I have grown and that I am doing much better but I don't see any results#I don't necessarily feel better in my skin because I haven't struggled eith my body since high school#yeah I guess I know self worth now but do I still hurt myself by staying in that friend group yes#yeah Im more confident asked many people out but I have gotten to date two which you couldn't even call date 2#well here I am still fucking crying about the same things#i guess life is like that but I'm just as sick of this life as I am of my anxiety#already cancelling plans and things I wanna do because of anxiety#so just fuck my life Im the only one standing in my way but im the biggest obstacle#will I ever be good? i guess we will see
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at least now i've gone through an important tumblr rite of passage, watching a longtime mutual become a radfem :/
#the thing that really got me was that they were talking about their morality ocd triggering them about it#bc of the way tumblr and the internet in general has this black and white approach to things#and one of those i guess was 'transphobes = bad' which like. is not what i'm ever talking about when i say that things have more nuance#that said i DO think that the way this website prioritizing hating terfs over supporting trans people is kinda gross#but anyway this person was so anxious about it and it just was depressing bc i related to that#they were SO afraid of losing friends or being cancelled over it and i was just like damn i wonder if all terfs are that miserable#but they acted like they just had no choice but to believe this 'thing' that they constantly alluded to but never talked outright about#which i am pretty sure now is just that they're a radfem or at least believe in a lot of radfem ideologies#and honestly? i go back and forth between genuinely feeling so bad for them and being like well that's what you fucking get#i wish i'd had the courage to talk to them about it but whenever i thought about it i got immeasurable anxiety#sorry for the very long tag ramble i just haven't been able to talk about this and it's been eating ME up too for a long time#i just feel horrible. i know in the past they've mentioned too how they want people to tell them why if they unfollow/block them#but i can't. i cannot. and then i'm afraid of just feeding into their victim complex by doing this#i just can't win. and it's like. i'm trans i am literally affected by their bigotry that they're acting like is just not even a choice#ALSO I REMEMBER HOW THEY MADE A POST ONCE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE IRL DON'T TALK ABOUT TRANS STUFF#LIEK IDK WHAT PLANET YOU ARE LIVING ON MY DUDE BUT I HAVE LIKE 5 TRANS COWORKERS AND EVERYONE IS VERY NORMAL ABOUT THEM#like maybe YOU live in a bad area#but you're just a really loud minority#anyway. yeah. just. oof.#still feeling some kind of anxiety about it#win rambles
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maybe if i go back on antidepressants ill ask for wellbutrin
#p#like yes i am pretty depressed rn but i dont feel like killing myself like i did when i was on viibryd#no genetic altercations my ass i was on that shit for years and just now looking back at my messages and notes no wonder i was scaring ppl#i was so anxious one time i had to sit in my brothers room so i knew he wasnt going to die suddenly#and i was so so so scared but it was like there was a mental block where it couldnt become a panic attack jst paranoia#but i was one degree from it. just imagining what i did to him happening to me scared me to death and i had to reassure myself#my mom asked me abt it the other day like 'hmmm. wouldve been nice to let me know you werent on it anymore. seems like a thing your mother-#'-should know.' and like yes since im still completely dependent on her in all aspects but man#i didnt want to explain i had no interest in seeing lisa anymore and i was just done. i was so tired of my lows being so fucking low#and not even noticing they were so bad yknow#do i even know how to be honest anymore. no i dont think of killing myself but i dont see a future for myself either#i have no goals no motivation no nothing#its selfish to want to die but its like that mytoecold dude video where hes like 'if i spilled milk and then killed myself technically-#'-the problem would be gone' like yeah. that is true. how do i get that out of my belief system#he was a raging addict btw i just saw that video. crazy and sad but i guess when you are dealt a bad hand you see eye to eye
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#so here's the thing#my new medication helps me feel less sad and hopeless#which honestly thank god cuz it was real rough there for a bit#(i mean we haven't embarked into this year's seasonal depression yet so tbd)#but no medication i've ever taken has helped with the sheer amount of overwhelm i deal with every moment of every day#and i'm not even feeling particularly anxious all the time#(although i do feel it... a lot lol)#but i am just bombarded by constant thoughts and sensory overload and constant frustration and just overall complete overwhelm when it#comes to literally any task#and it is so fucking exhausting#and that's when i start to feel like.... ok i literally cannot do this forever#but what other choice do i have?#no coping mechanism can turn off the deluge of chaos in my brain at all times#and i just don't know what i'm supposed to do about any of this#(and the answer can't be more therapy because i can't afford it lol)#(and it has never worked for me anyway)#this sucks
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Sick of being tired sad and overwhelmed all the time 😔
#max rambles a lot#it's this house man#i fucking hate it here#i am so over living here and i'm mad because i've been forced into tying up a good chunk of my money in xmas at this point#which means if by some tiny miracle i get to move out before xmas i won't be going nc until the new year#because i'll be damned if i'm paying for these assholes to have a nice xmas without me like fuck that#anyway yeah i'm so overstimulated lately that i want to just rip my face of all the time#had to cancel my tattoo appt because i am WAY to anxious to leave the house and it's made me really sad#also not to be one of Those people but this Matthew Perry news has really depressed me and i'm feeling it really bad#i'm so sad about it i keep bursting into tears with no warning over it#i feel like a fucking loser for doing so#but yeah i'm tired and sad and overwhelmed i miss all my friends being in the same place i miss feeling like i'm in charge of my own brain#sick of sleeping on the floor and being surrounded by clutter and not even being able to take a shit in peace#clinging to the tiniest little things to stop me absolutely losing my mind#a birthday party next week is currently next up but idk what's coming after that so 🤡🤡🤡
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IT’S FISH DAY IT’S FISH DAY IT’S FISH DAY
#Seven.txt#fish stuff#vibrating with excitement#and also nervous energy and sleep deprivation but it’s fine cause ITS FISH DAY BABEY#i’m sitting outside waiting on them and i /had/ another package with snails coming today as well#and i was typing up a post like ‘let’s see which one gets here first. the snails or the fish?’#cause they’re coming from two different carriers y’know#but the snails literally got here while i was typing that post so uh. the snails won the race lmao#anyways i am exhausted and anxious out of my mind cause the stakes are pretty high with these fish#and i’ve averaged about 4hrs of sleep this week#and you’d know how bad that is if u knew that my depressed ass can easily sleep for 12-16 hrs if i’m allowed to#not that that’s good either but. 4hrs is NOT enough for me friends#i am. running on pure distilled nervous energy rn#but i’m still excited don’t get me wrong. i just hope everything goes well and they aren’t too stressed or beat up from the shipping#wish me well that i don’t fuck things up!!!#i have like. a number of years of experience to fall back on but i am still always learning and i’m nervous every time i get new fish#anyways. the guilt of all the messages and comments i’ve gotten lately that i haven’t replied to is eating me alive :)#and it makes me feel bad for posting things on my socials whenever i have any un-replied to messages#cause i don’t want people to think i’m ignoring them!!! i’m just so busy rn!!! and it’s less effort to type out a lil post like this#versus sitting down and thinking of the good genuine thoughtful responses that i wanna give to people#especially when i like. can’t think straight rn. about anything other than keeping these fish alive#so. that will be my full day today but once things calm down and everyone’s hopefully settled in tomorrow#i can finally start working on replying to everything#okay enough rambling. back to staring at the fields and waiting#at least the weather’s nice. and i’m sitting in the golf cart so i’m in the shade#which is good cause i’m wearing a hoodie over a shirt and long pants#and i’ve got a coffee and music playing. now if i could just chill out everything would be great#but knowing myself I Will Not
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It's a mental breakdown *du du duuu duuuuu du du du du duuuu"
#i'm fucking crying and shaking and breaking down and scratching cause i don't have any sharp objects near#i just wanna fucking die and rip my heart and brain out#why am i such a fucking clingy annoying overthinking stupid panicking anxious depressed bitch#i don't know how many times i've used the exact same text as a vent post but here we go again#maybe i'll throw up and bang my head against the bathtub until i can't think#once again where's my paracetamol and alcohol i'm not even kidding rn i feel so fucking horrible#uh oh listening to beautiful pain again i don't like where this is going At All#the fact that i got my period today and my cold won't go away even after four days doesn't help i feel even more like shit now#tw self harm#mel talks
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im still not over jackpot btw
#LIKE i didnt KNOW.... I DIDNT KNOW.... then all this bs comes out and i denounced them as soon as i find out but HOLY FUCK#i looked up to them so much#especially jared. it HURTS#like its scary#thats when my mental health plummeted not when my mother got cancer not when my sister attempted sui#JACKPOT. THATS WHEN. /gen#it scares me how unfazed i am by shit then out of nowhere depressive spiral#becuase of a fucking splatoon team who turned out to be racist#what gets me the most is that. chara KNEW. chara knew and didnt say anything bc he would be accused of dogpiling#but on a personal level he /hated/ them. CHARA HATED THEM.#AND I LOOKED UP TO THEM. like yes! i was 12! BUT FUCKING HELL.#i had just worked up the courage to join a discord server for people trying to get into compt as well#it was legit my dream idk#and now??????? I CANT DO SHIT...#it still affects me idk#i wake up like ''well im basically a bigot bc i looked up to jared 2 years ago'' like#its because! he was autstic and anxious! like me! and could do all these things i wanted to!!#I USED HIS FUCKING OBOW KIT FOR SO LONG#I STILL USE HIS ENPERRIES WITH LIKE 3 SWITCHES#and yes thats bc theyre good gear builds but HOLY FUCK i cant open that menu w/o feeling guilty bc he had the idea first#im going to EXPLODe#that was the last time ic ried actually. when i found out.#like i didnt post anything about ti for a reason#idkkkk#glances at the rpf of jackpot i wrote aged 11. yeah. fuck those guys. but it HURTS HOLY SHIT#and then gem right after#then last resort breakup#like... GOOD GOLLY WHAT IN TARNATION IM DYING OVER HERE#and im still not over it sparkle sparkle#tw vent
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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