#He is getting used to really depending on the others and letting them parent him and he is happy nad content <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[chaifootsteps]

Since Vivzie can't give Millie and Loona an episode without it being a short or based off of the validation of a male character, I'll do it myself:

Millie, after the surge of excitement of leading the mission in Unhappy Campers, asks Blitzo if she could lead the next mission.

After reflecting on Millie's use of disguise, attention, and wrath to get it done, Blitzo tells Moxxie that it would be a breath of fresh air if Millie led the next mission and that he could sit this one out while he goes to visit Stolas in the hospital. However, Moxxie expresses concern, wondering if she'd be safe without a backup. Following this question, Blitzo suggests if Loona could go with her, with both Millie and Loona expressing shock and disinterest with the idea.

Both Millie and Loona want to go on a mission themselves, since they have a rocky relationship with one another. Loona dislikes Millie for her passive attitude towards negative emotions within the group and dependence on others' approval while Millie dislikes Loona for her rude attitude and disregard for others. However, since they both want to take an opportunity to lead the mission, they hesitantly go with one another.

Their mission is to take out a rebellious teenage girl named Cathy Motín at an underground indie concert, who was responsible for killing her step-father and burying him in the desert.

Both Millie and Loona use their gift of disguise to portray themselves as a guitarist and lead singer, a surprise indie band named The Rebelles. Their plan is to call up Cathy onstage and promise to see her backstage, then kill her in the process and leave. However, things start to trouble them once Millie and Loona realize how fun performing actually is. 

Millie, growing up with hard work and middle child syndrome prioritizing anything else, loves the spotlight. She feels as if she gets to do what she pleases without anyone feeling threatened, annoyed, or embarrassed by her. That she can release her negative emotions through song with everyone cheering her on. Though Moxxie and Blitzo don't really judge Millie, she dislikes Moxxie's attention-seeking attitude and believes Blitzo only lets her do the things she pleases to avoid losing his employee. Loona, on the other hand, seems to be enjoying things too, since she gets to be cheered on by people around her age and gets to do a mission without her dad coddling her. She also likes gothic rock music, too. 

However, things start to take a turn once they both fight over the spotlight (think Hell's Greatest Dad but with rock music). In an argument onstage, Millie and Loona lash out at each other about who the real star of the Rebelles is. This leads to both of them revealing how they really feel about their place in life. 

Millie reveals that she feels worthless outside of her job and marriage, suppressing her low-self esteem and frustrations with assassin work. In addition, her parents (especially her mom) discouraged her from any hobbies that weren't work-related, while she always feels expected to confide Moxxie over his problems but feels as if he doesn't help her as much with hers, unintentionally dismissing them with a toxic positive attitude. She had a dream of being a singer-songwriter for country music, but her mother never saw that career going anywhere for an imp woman. Her mom and dad felt bad for discouraging their daughter, but they believed it would save her the ridicule and pain.  So, Millie gave it up as a teenager for a more “realistic career). After that day, her parents and older siblings encouraged her to avoid the sadness and anger by helping around the farm. Surprisingly, it worked, and so from then on, Millie started to avoid her negative emotions by distracting herself with work. This led her to become a workaholic and people-pleaser.

Loona began to sympathize with Millie, telling her that she also feels like she isn't enough. She's 22 with little to no friends, a job anyone can do, and she holds back any of her positive emotions to avoid being rejected, taken advantage of, or vulnerable. She tells Millie that while her story is different from hers, she also struggled with being herself. She never got to be a happy child, always paranoid around the other Hellhound orphans, while also being restricted from doing anything “unruly”. They begin to tear up, hug, and they apologize to one another. They both comfort each other, telling one another that they are enough and that being not okay is okay. Everyone begins to cheer them on, as they get ready for one final song and to get the mission over with. 

They perform a song titled “Enough for Me”, which is about rebellion, breaking the shackles of the past, and being true to yourself. After the song, they call up Cathy and get prepared to kill her. However, she seems to not go down without a fight, using the backstage instruments to fight against Millie and Loona. She’s fast, but she’s eventually overpowered by Millie and Loona. As they get ready to slit her throat, they ask her if she has any last words. Instead of struggling against them, she allows them to kill her, admitting that she has nothing good for her going on anyways after the “incident”

Instead of being portrayed as a heartless bitch, Cathy is a troubled girl from a strict and religious background.

She came from an upbringing of high expectations and emotional neglect, where public image came before anything else. At school, Cathy was a straight A student with a healthy background and a happy family. But at home, she was the neglected girl who was restricted from doing anything she wanted to pursue, which included her love life, her career aspirations, hobbies, etc. Both her and her mother were beaten and verbally abused by her step-father, who hated Cathy for not being the child he wanted her to be. One day, Cathy found her mother beaten and unconscious on the floor, leading her to kill her step-father out of rage. In a moment of realization and relief, she cleaned the home, called the hospital for her mother, and ran away with her father's body to bury. A few hours later, she discovered that her mother passed away after the tragic event on the news station. Due to this, she never returned home afterwards and left for the road. Afterwards, she led a life outside of town, participating in raves, travelling, and substances to avoid the pain and life she gave up. 

Loona and Millie both struggle to get the job done and admit that they can’t do it. They instead hug Cathy, telling her that it isn’t too late to turn her life around despite what she did and what happened to her mom. They tell her that she’s still young and she didn’t do what she did out of malice, giving her reason and support. Sure, what she did was wrong, but it was in defense of her mom and herself. Cathy begins to break down and thanks Millie and Loona for giving her a second chance, admitting that she didn't want to end up the way she did. Instead of murdering her, they let her go and advisel her to go to a different country and change her name. They suggest she surrounds herself around good people, stays in a safe location, and pursues what she wants to do, regardless of anyone’s judgement and control. 

When going back to IMP city, they’re shown laughing and getting along, much to Moxxie and Blitzo’s surprise. When asked about the mission, both Loona and Millie lie about what happened, looking at each other with solace and love. 

This is basically a rundown but I'd like to know what you think :). I'm a little more than half of Viv's age and I'm not a professional writer either lol.

And clearly, based on this, much more qualified to write the show! Well done!

[ancha-aus]

RealAgeAU Drabble - Bath

Hello!

Direct continuation from the prev Drabble 'Mud'! Taking place almost directly after.

First Drabble (original prompt by @spotaus ) Prev drabble Next Drabble

So we take off almost right were we left off, only like a small hour later.

*---------------------*

Nighmtare can't stop the purr as warm water goes over his shoulders to clean some of the worst mud away from the cravices.

Dust hums "Yeah I figured it would feel nice. feeling warmer?"

Nightmare nods and leans back against the hand on his spine. Dust had been supporting his spine ever since they got back and told him what happened. They went straight to the bathroom.

"Hah! Dusty using his magic hands?"

Dust shoots Killer and annoyed look from where Killer is sitting with his boxers on in the bathtub with Ngihtmare. Grinning widely.

"What? I also needed to get cleaned up!" Killer looks very smug.

Dust shoots Nightmare a look "How is it that you are 6 yet he is more childish?"

Ngihtamre grins and just leans more into the hold. The touch is gentle as Dust removes mud from the sensitive and painful spots. It hurts a little but not nearly as much as it used to hurt when getting cleaned, and no were near as much hurt as with the mud in it.

Dust continues cleanign his spine and ribcage slowly "It didn't get too far in. Seems like your sweater protected you from that."

Ngihtmare pushes closer to Dust's touch "Sorry for getting it dirty..."

Dust hums "No need. You didn't mean to get it dirty and even fi you meant to. It is just a sweater. Even so Cross is already working on cleaning it. It will be fine." He uses a small bucket to let some water wash away the soap.

Killer grins as he leans agianst the tub edge "Me next dusty?"

Dust doesn't even look up as he keeps washing Nihgtmare's shoulders "You can wash yourself."

Killer whines "But dusty~ Stuff may have gotten between my joints! Same like nighty!"

Nightmare rolls his eye lights but purrs when Dust starts washing his skull and neck. It is so nice and familiar by now. They always do this even if Nightmare knows that Dust knows Nightmare can wash that himself. Dust always takes time to carefully wash his skull and neck for him.

Dust hums "And Nightmare is six. which you are not." Dust taps his shoulder carefully "close your sockets nightmare. I am going to wash off the soap."

Nightmare nods and closes his sockets before feeling the warm water wash over his skull and shoulders. It feels amazing!

Dust smiles "there is the happy purring. much better." then softer "Can I wash your sockets?"

Nightmare considers it for a moment. He never likes seeing the others when he baths, he should be able to wash himself and it make sit easier to accept their help when he can't see them... But Killer is also in the bath and that is fine... Maybe he will be fine with it?

Dust is silent and waits patiently as Nightmare thinks it over. Ngihtmare ends up nodding and turning around in the tub to be facing Dust instead.

Dust gives a small smile before focussing on his face as he looks at his sockets from different angles. as Dust stares at him Nightmare just looks back at Dust. Unlike Killer, who is mostly naked and with just his boxers on, Dust is still mostly dressed. Dust had only taken off his hoody, scarf and gloves. So Dust just sits by them in loose sweats and a shirt. Dust gives a quiet hum "Yeah I can see some mud in there. I am going to try and get it out okay?" he looks at their basket of bathstuff and takes out some soft cotton swabs. Dust soaps them up before holdign hsi skull steady with a gentle hand by his skull.

Dust looks at him "Still okay?"

Nightmare frowns as he thinks it over. This should feel bad or dangerous. people near his sockets or skull is very bad news. But no panic or fear. He hums and mutters "it is fine."

Dust looks a bit surprised before grinning "Brave babybones." ngihtamre knows he is glaring at Dust but Dust just chuckles "okay. No eye lights."

Nightmare huffs but does as told. he turns his eye lights off and with them goes his side.

The darkness does make him nervous but he still feels the steadying hand of Dust on his skull. He hears Killer whine and mumble about unfairness and that he wants the spa treatment as well. And that Dust is so unfair to not give him one as well!

the cotton swab touching the inside of his skull and near his sockets is weird. It doesn't hurt but it is still weird. His hands shoot up and he grabs Dust's arms.

Dust freezes "too much?"

Nightmare shallows and forces the words out "It is okay..." he just.. needs this... just a reminder. it is okay.

Dust mutters softly "I will be careful."

And as he said he would. He is. careful and slow movements. with purpose. And It does feel better! discomfort and itchiness he hadn't been fully aware of just disappears with each gentle movement.

"That was it. You can turn on your eye lights again."

NIghtmare needs a moment to get his magic to respond and get his eye lights to return. It is brihgt for a moment but even his sight seems better than before!

Dust grins "There. Almost all clean."

Killer grins and leans over the side of the tub "Which means it is mine turn!" causing a big wave to splash over and for Dust to now have wet pants.

Dust looks down before shooting him a glare "You did that on purpose."

Killer gasps and puts a hand above his soul "me?! I would never! I am sooooo sorry for your pants!" he grins and winks "You could just lose them." and he wiggles his eye brows.

Dust looks very unimpressed and Ngihtmare agrees. Not one of Killer's best tries at flirting.

Dust just looks at Nightmare again "do you want me to clean your arms or do you want to do it yourself today?"

Nightmare frowns and thinks it over. He did his own pelvis and legs as always but it was harder than he remembers to get dirt and mud out of those spots. He just looks at Dust "Can you do it?"

Dust nods and starts getting the shower floof ready again. Nightmare holds out his arms and lets Dust do his magic to get the stubborn dirt out off his joints. Dust just seems to know how to do it as the dirt and mud easily disappears.

Dust nods and looks very happy with himself "There he is. All clean." he puts the bathstuff to the side and goes to grab the towel.

Killer whines again "come on dusty~ Please?" Killer grins as he turns around until his spine is against the tub and he looks over backwards over the edge with his skull upsidedown to look at Dust. It can't be comfortable. Killer grins "Please~ What if some of the stuff stays behind? What if I can't clean myself right?"

Dust rolls hsi sockets as he gets the towel and with an easy motions nightmare is out of the bathtub and wrapped in the towel. Dust pats him down carefully as he ignroes the whining of the adult behind him. Killer bemoans about this unfair fate and how he needs help from his friend and teammate yet Dust is cruel to not help him.

Nightmare is dry and Dust dresses him in his PJs. Dust lifts him up and shoots Killer a look "Don't destroy our bathroom whiel I am gone." and Dust leaves the bathroom.

They exit into their downstairs bedroom and Dust goes straight to their pillow and blanket nest.

Dust sits down and grabs a blanket and wraps it around him "comfy?"

Nightmar enods "yeah." Dust hands over his plushy and NIghtmare is quick to put her right by his side. Batsie is her name... Like the cow name Bessie because they are on a farm but with bat because... bat.

Not that it matters because Nightmare isn't going to admit he named his plushy.

Dust smiles at him "I need to go clean the bathroom and make sure Killer doens't drown and kill himself with his stupidity. Horror is-"

"right here." and Horror joins him. Horror smiles at Dust "Good luck with Killer. I got this."

Dust nods and leaves to return to the bathroom.

Nightmare moves his plushy around until he can use the wings to blanket him as well. trying to keep his hands free. horror hands him a plate and fork as he sits with him. Asking him how his day had been at his appointment.

nightmare eats and calmly talks about his day and all that happened. his soul calm and content after his bath.

--

Killer chuckles as Dust leaves wiht Nightmare. He should have actually cleaned up but come on! It was too much fun to hoke around with Dusty! Especially the tiny blush he had managed to cause!

Killer chuckles as he kicks the water up before leaning back to lay in the tub. Ah, baths are very nice. Maybe he should take more of them.

He just lays there to enjoy the water.

"Dont'drown yourself. Water and dust together make a mess."

Killer opens his sockets and grins at Dust who looks very unimpressed "I don't know. YOu seem fine with bathtime."

Dust rolls his eye lights "You know what i mean. Also get dressed weirdo. Have some modesty."

Killer grins and winks "oh? Is the most powerful monster shy about bare bones?"

Dust shoots him a look "Just clean yourself."

Killer leans dramatically over the edge of the tub "I can't~ What if i miss a spot? And how am I suposed to wash myself if i have to fully dress myself? I can't do both at the same time dusty~"

Dust crosses his arms as he glares at him. "YOu seriously still on about this?"

Killer grins "Sorry. can't." he leans forwards and shrugs his shoulders.

Dust lets out a long annoyed sigh "fine."

Killer blinks and looks abck at Dust as Dust calmly cleans the shower fluff of dirty water and puts new soap on it. "euh?"

Dust moves in his blind spot and a hand touches his shoulders and Killer just freezes.

He hand pushes him a bit forover and oh fuck. fuck... that.. that is that seem shower fluff on his spine and it feels so good and how are dust's hand so secure?!

He doens't know what to think. What does he do?! Why?! Why is dust washing him? Oh fuck it feels so nice? No wonder Nightmare always purrs up a storm after bathtime. Fuck keep in the purring. You are making this weird. it is just your homie giving you a bath that you have been asking him for! Don't make it weird!

He... hadn't realised how nice this was. this touch. Normally Killer is the one that hangs all over the others and starts contact. This is technically stuff that Dust started and it feels so nice is this what it is suposed to feel like?! Is it normal that Killer just wants to melt into the touch and wnats it to never stop?!

how is this so nice?!

Killer straight up had one night stands with others across the multiverse and that is NOTHING compared to how nice this is.

The fluff disappears and some warm, almost scolding hot how does Nightmare deal with this heat every bath and whyt does he like it so much? Goes over his back and spine.

Dust snorts and speaks "There. your spine and ribcage are clean now."

Killer glances back and Dust looks highly amused and smug as he collects the shower stuff. He puts it on the side of the bath before he gets up. He shoots him a look "The rest you should be able to manage yourself." and he leaves the bathroom.

okay while Killer is sad the contact ended he is also thankful that Dust left because there is a very very very obvious reaction to the touch and his boxers are not doing a great job hiding it.

What the fuck is wrong with him!?

*---------------------*

Killer having a bit of a gay panic. It was his turn. Also I have so little drabbles from his POV?! It is criminal

First Drabble Prev drabble Next Drabble

[isuckatwritingsobenice]

My Fault London: Nick Leister headcannons

Note: All these headcannons are mature aka SPICY HEADCANNONS ✨Mentions of drinking! Afab reader! Step-Sister reader!

Nick Leister who… doesn’t really care that other people are around. He doesn’t mind being public with you, but it’s you who gets anxious. ‘What if someone sees us?’ ‘What if someone hears us?’ He doesn’t care. He does whatever he wants because he can. At social events, while everyone’s mingling about with their drinks and fake smiles, he’s face deep into the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent and drilling himself into you like no tomorrow. Backed up against a wall legs wrapped around his hips. He’s drinking up every sound you make, certain on easing your worries about getting caught while hitting that spot that has you seeing stars. He knows people will question him, ask him where he’s been and what he was doing. He wants to answer you, but he smiles and says he just needed a breath of fresh air.

Nick Leister who… waits for your mother and hid father to leave for the weekend, going on a business trip and ignoring their ‘Be careful! Be nice to each other!’ And oh is he nice, so nice because he takes his time kissing you through the kitchen, caging you against the countertop with his arms and hips, heated kiss so deep you don’t notice his hands shaking as they rest on your waist, just under the hem of your shirt. He’s so nice, letting you run your fingers through his hair, and groaning when you pull just right to make his head spin, nails raking against his scalp and he lives for it.

Nick Leister who… catches you trying on his clothes, a large shirt covering your frame. He watches from the doorway, watches you spin around in his shirt, a tie of his loosely around your neck. He grins when he realizes he likes the sight of you in his clothes more than he’d realized. He especially likes taking them off you. ‘They’re not yours, it’s only right I help you take it off. Don’t you think?’ He’ll lift the shirt off you, leaving you in a tie as he takes his time with you, showing you why you don’t go snooping (though for what it’s worth, you definitely don’t regret it after having his face between your thighs) He’ll get on his knees, looking up at you after asking where you need him most.

Nick Leister who… does whatever you ask of him. It starts with little things at first. ‘Can you pick me up from..?’ Or an occasional, ‘Can you pick up some coffee for me?’ Simple favors. Something only a good ‘house-mate’ would do. But he loves when you ask for help on other things. Like when you tip-toe into his room late at night once your parents have gone off to bed, large sleep shirt draped over you as you shyly knock on his door. He’ll let you in, buying the fake excuse that you ‘had a bad dream’ and let you stay in his bed. And he’ll help you all the same when you ask him to get you off, ripping off your panties faster than you can finish your question. He’s between your legs in an instant, eyes rolling to the back of his head when you pull him closer, grinding onto his face because his tongue is ‘oh-so-good’ and he grinds into the bed beneath him at your moans.

Nick Leister who… loves seeing you in that pretty bathing suit. Watching you run into the water, hair tied back and not a care in the world, running into the waves and letting the water roll off your skin when you call for him to join you. And he does, painfully and running as fast as he can as to avoid the questions about the growing tent in his pants. He’ll throw you under water, splash and grab you, but all he can think about is how much better you’d look when he takes it off you. And he does, finally after so many torturing hours of watching you run around in that little bikini. He’ll skip his fingers under the fabric, fingers working their way through your folds to get to where you need him most. He’ll kiss down your chest, nipping and biting at the skin like if his life depends on it, leaving little hickies and bite marks over the swell of your breast. He isn’t going to hide it. Doesn’t want too. He’ll push the fabric to the side, lowering his swim trunks just enough to get inside you, and fighting the urge to finish right then and there.

Nick leister who is just addicted to you <3

[milkoomi]

⋆˚࿔ a new canvas means a new you 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

a mini series on the art of becoming a better you

chapter 1 | chapter 2 | chapter 3

chapter four — THE ART OF SELF RESPECT

when you live a life where you don’t respect yourself, your boundaries, your health, your mind, your emotions; just anything about you, you’ll end up living a life where you’re walked all over, where people take advantage of you, where you’ll find no successes or achievements— you live a life feeling lost and feeling empty, feeling like your mission in life is to be meaningless. we’re taught to respect others, but we’re never taught to respect ourselves. we, as individuals, need to have the highest level of respect for one person. that person being us.

ᥫ᭡. where to start

decenter men

i was talking about this the other night with my best friend, but way too many people (women, men, trans women/men, literally anyone) center their lives around men. the patriarchy has stolen so many people’s individuality, stripping them of finding their own personality, their own interests, opinions, hobbies, etc. and that is one of the main reasons people don’t have any self respect. decenter men.

a man should not, and never define who you are as a person. a man should never make you feel like you are undeserving of your own successes. a man should never make you feel any less than what you truly are! men should never be a source of validation for you as a person. it doesn’t matter if you’re a man yourself (cis or trans), it doesn’t matter if you’re a woman (cis or trans), and it doesn’t matter if you’re nonbinary/gender-nonconforming; you should never ever— and i mean ever— center your ideals, thoughts, opinions, hobbies, interests, and your entire self and life around a man.

too many people are so focused on men and what men think about them. and let me just give you some food for thought: when have you ever done something solely for yourself without the back thought of a man’s approval? i’ll admit, back in high school i spent all four years thinking about men and seeking validation from a man. from my freshman year all up until my senior year i was in back to back relationships because i couldn’t even fathom the thought of being without a man. and you know what that did for me? it made me miserable, it made me more insecure, and it made me put myself into situations that the person who i am now would be insanely repulsed by because what the fuck was i thinking? majority of my teenage years were spent centering my life around men, and i was miserable.

now, at my current age at this point in my life, i am so unbelievably lucky to be engaged to the man of my dreams, but! i remember when my partner and i first started dating, my therapist asked about 5-6 months into my relationship, “do you feel like you depend on him for your happiness?” and it made me think, “oh my god, what if i am? what if all the anxieties i have about my relationship are because i rely too much on him for my own happiness?” while my relationship with him is the healthiest, happiest, and most healing relationship i’ve ever been in, i had to learn to be okay with being by myself; with being in the company of my own, without him, because i can’t depend on him for company or happiness or peace— i have to depend on myself for those things, and he’s just my wonderful partner that i get to enjoy and experience life with. he’s not my entire life. he’s only a part of it.

you have to learn to be happy and to find peace with being by yourself. your whole life can’t be surrounding the idea of a man.

here are a couple posts that i’ve found to be really helpful with how to decenter men:

“decentering men and recentering yourself” by @honeytonedhottie

“how to decenter men” by @femmefatalevibe

stop seeking validation from others

not only do people seek validation from men, they seek validation from literally anyone. parents, teachers, bosses, friends, classmates, colleagues; people are looking from validation from all the wrong sources. you, yourself, should be the only person you seek validation from. you should be setting your own standard from yourself.

again, looking for validation from any outside source only makes you lose yourself more and more in the process. you forget all about what you want and need from yourself because you’re so focused on what other people need and want from you. validate yourself, affirm yourself, just be there for yourself. you don’t need anyone or anything else telling you that you’re doing something right. you’ll know what’s right for you because you should know yourself better than anyone else!

set boundaries

chapter three was all about learning how to say no and how to set boundaries, so i highly recommend going back to that chapter and reviewing it since i go more in-depth on that topic!

setting boundaries for yourself is one of the best things to do to regain your self respect. knowing what exactly you want from yourself and from others and setting that line will not only protect your happiness and peace, but it will also show an immense amount of respect that you have for yourself to others who may think that they don’t have to respect you.

ᥫ᭡. self respect as a whole

respecting yourself means respecting your peace, your privacy, your thoughts, your opinions, your emotions; you as a person. it protects you from things and people that could potentially harm you, whether it’s physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.

protect your peace. protect your happiness. protect your mind and your body. when you disrespect yourself by partaking in an overuse of harmful substances, having unprotected sex with someone you don’t even have a genuine connection to, or accepting behaviors from someone who’s constantly hurting you or betraying your trust you become a doormat for people to walk all over you in life.

i have known too many people, myself included, who disrespected themselves and faced one too many hardships in life. it makes us miserable and that misery turns into so many mental health issues that can sometimes cause too much harm that it makes it 100 times more difficult to recover.

self respect doesn’t have to be hard. you can always start small by just taking care of yourself! this has been a recurring theme in this series, but here i am to say it again: prioritize yourself! respect that you have needs and wants and do things for yourself that make you feel good and that benefit you. self care is vital, and respecting the fact that your own health needs to be in check is a wonderful first step towards gaining more self respect.

you have to show up for yourself, you have to immerse yourself in activities/hobbies/media that’s actually good for you— not what you think is good for you, you have to be kind to yourself, and you have to love yourself, babes. seriously, self respect can be a really simple thing at the end of the day and it can come so easily to you if you just let it be. don’t make your life harder by disrespecting yourself.

ᥫ᭡. final notes

we’re nearing the end of this mini series! chapter five will be the final chapter! i’m so thankful that this series has been shown so much love so far and i hope that it’s been able to help you guys as much as it helped me! i know i’ve been writing all of these, but something about creating content like this really motivates me to keep moving forward with my own self improvement journey.

i hope you guys always know i’m with you every step of the way in this journey. you never have to walk it alone, trust me! i know i always talk about being there for yourself, but other people (who are genuinely worth it, of course) can be there for you too! we’ve all got the same goal: to better ourselves. it’s going to be a difficult and long journey, but we’ll make it together!

with lots of love, juno 🌷

[weaselle]

i wanna do a thing where i lay out studies that show things in different primates that show us parts of ourselves as humans. Call it Primates: Through the Looking Glass or The Monkey in the Mirror or something

There are studies and documentaries that show things about Gorillas, Chimpanzees, Bonobos, Baboons, Macaques... that just make sense to me. That if shown right would make sense to a lot of people, i think.

like... they were studying this one group of gorillas --

okay wait. First of all, you know a silverback (the Big Male) of the group is not the leader or in charge or anything, right? He has a role, and it includes a certain amount of control, which i’ll explain briefly, but he’s not, like, in charge.

wait, you know all that Dominance/Alpha theory about wolves is all wrong, right?

wait wait wait, and also that like, the bull or the stag or whatever in a herd is not in charge of anything, right? right?

hold on. the wolves is it’s own post, the herd thing i might get back to, we’re on gorillas, okay. Silverback is basically just the male head of an extended family in which plenty of the leadership is handled by the women of the family.

There are often 2-4 silverbacks, but one, usually the largest, will clearly be senior to the others who are often his sons or brothers. Silverbacks have three main roles

1: defend the group from all physical threats aside from people, these threats are mostly random male gorillas, chimpanzee baby-snatching gangs, and the occasional leopard. Just his alert presence handles most scenarios, and then maybe a few times a year he has to risk his life fulfilling this responsibility. It is this role that provides most of whatever actual power he has over the group, namely this: while he isn’t necessarily the one deciding when and where the group goes on a daily basis, if the most powerful/capable silverback does decide to travel a direction, they pretty much have to go with him, the family isn’t safe without him.

2: make babies. And this is one area where the ladies of the group will sometimes sort of vote with their ovaries, and favor a silverback that isn’t the main one, like “yeah, Frank, you are the biggest, but honestly you’re a dick and we’re going to make sure the next generation of silverbacks isn’t another one of you.” When you see a main large silverback in a group of gorillas, it isn’t, like, his blindly loyal harem, they have to approve of him. Also gorilla females move between groups, and sometimes they take members with them or start new groups and stuff. Anyway i’m getting off track, one of the silverbacks jobs is making babies

3. keep the peace This functions a lot like being in the back seat with your siblings with your parents up front. Basically any disputes within the group have to be handled within a certain parameter of decorum, because if it gets too out of hand HE’s going to come over, and He’ll be upset, which is low-key terrifying because He’s huge, and there’s no telling who He’ll decide is at fault or what he’ll do about it, so letting a situation get out of hand is a losing scenario for everyone involved really. Tho typically he will favor senior females in disputes, in a “don’t you talk that way to your mom” kind of way.

one last thing, silverbacks don’t actually transfer power between silverbacks via battle every time.

Like i was just reading accounts from a multi-generational observational study of some wild gorillas that featured one big silverback just straight up taking over by performing the silverback duties better and becoming preferred by everyone else in the group. There was no fight, it just became, i do the job better, everyone likes me better, kicking my ass can’t change that, and boom, he was the primary silverback. And the other silverback might have been a bit dull, or a bit of a bully, but like us their species’ success is largely dependent on social intelligence; once he saw the writing on the wall, that other, slightly larger sivlerback didn’t even bother trying to change the situation with a physical fight, he understood what had happened.

okay so all that was just to tell you all this story. lol. Here’s what i saw in one documentary:

This very big, getting old silverback, who was hugely popular and successful, with a very large and tightly bonded family group, and a couple of his hulking adult sons backing him up. Everybody in his group seemed to love him a lot, he was particularly calm in that gentle giant sort of way, a safe, emotionally steady presence, happy to help raise his sons and daughters with kindness, and who could become a raging nightmare if pressed by a leopard ... exactly what a band of gorillas wants in a silverback.

But one of his adult sons had plenty of silver on his own back, and was getting itchier and itchier to be main man of the group, and this is where we start our little drama

It seems to be coming to a head, and the observers are nervous about a fight for the position. The silverback and his son are both are huge, probably approaching 400lbs, mostly muscle, with long thick fangs and skulls topped with jaw muscles as big as human biceps to wield those teeth, which nature has given them primarily to fight other gorillas with. 

But then the next day, the old man leads the fam up the mountain.

it’s winter, which is why they have come down the mountain in the first place. But as we discussed, if he goes somewhere, they have to go, so they all follow behind.

up he goes, and then he sits. And waits. It’s cold and there is much less food up here at this time of year. There’s nothing to do but sit hungry in the cold. His size and metabolism makes him the most able to withstand the cold, but even he is pretty uncomfortable. 

And so he sits. And his family, perhaps confused, but loyal, sits around him.

But his son, the other huge silverback, with years of training even as an adult under his wise father, is ready and able to go off on his own. Finally, he stands up, makes clear his intentions to leave this uncomfortable place. A small handful of the other gorillas stand with him -- if he goes down the mountain, then they can safely leave as well. He turns and heads down the mountain. After a moment, a few more gorillas leave the main group to follow. All in all it winds up being nearly half.

The wise older silverback thoughtfully watches his son leave with about half the group. He sits a while longer in the cold, in the company of those most loyal to him, and then takes them along a different path down the mountain

And those two groups still ran into each other sometimes, and were friendly. And sometimes a couple gorillas would change between the two groups. They were still close.

But i just thought that was such an elegant, meaningful way for that gorilla to handle that whole situation. And it makes a completely human sort of sense to me. 

[thoughtfulfiction]

Operation: Den Prep

Author’s note: I feel like Joe is very dramatic about things he can’t control and impending parenthood is definitely chaotic. Hope you enjoy this fluffy piece!

All you wanted to do was take a nap. You weren't asking for much. Just an hour, maybe an hour and a half of uninterrupted sleep.

But no. That would be too easy.

The cars that lined the driveway couldn't be a sign of anything good. Joe wasn't really one to throw parties, and with exactly four weeks before the baby's due date he wasn't exactly the most chill or relaxed man in America. If anything, the cars were a sign that you wouldn't be getting that nap in any time soon.

A gigantic sigh leaves your body when you walk in the door. There are people—strangers— in your home, scrubbing every square inch of the place.

"Joe?" You call out, attempting to scoot past the people dusting the vents.

"He's upstairs in his office," a woman responds kindly, in the midst of scrubbing baseboards. Your friend Nikki, who was with you all day, stares at everyone in shock before helping you up the stairs.

You caught your breath a little while running your hand over your baby bump, feeling like you climbed Everest. Nikki knocks on the door and waits for Joe's voice, telling you two to come in. Your husband was seated at his desk, highlighting sections of The Expectant Father: The Ultimate Guide for Dads-to-Be, surrounded by several other parenting books.

"Joseph..." Nikki begins since you still can't breathe. “What the hell is going on here?"

"Language," Joe says without looking up from his book, "he can hear you."

Nikki turns to look at you and you shake your head, not wanting to get in the middle of it right now. Your eyes were telling her to just focus on one problem at a time, the biggest issue at hand being the cleaning crew taking over the house. She seems to agree. "Okay, let me try that again," he nods, finally looking up, a disinterested look on his face. “Don't know if you know this but, there are people downstairs treating your home like it's a warzone on germs."

"I know. I hired them to do exactly that. Because it is." He says in a matter of fact tone. “I want everything to be perfect when the baby comes home. The house needs to be as clean as possible so he has a safe environment.”

“Joe, this isn’t prepping for the end of days. You realize babies don’t come out demanding hospital-grade cleanliness, right?” Nikki jokes, leaning against the doorframe.

Joe doesn't find it funny. “Do you even know how many germs are in the average house? I read it’s millions. Millions, Nicole. I’m not risking it.”

You sigh, walking over to him and placing a hand on his shoulder. He was adorable when he got like this—focused, determined, and completely over the top. It was endearing, but you could already tell you'd have to reel him in before he booked a hazmat team to inspect the nursery. “Joe, I appreciate what you’re doing. I really do. But we’re supposed to be relaxing these last few weeks, not running ourselves into the ground.”

“You’re the one who should be relaxing,” Joe said, standing and gently guiding you to sit in his chair. “You’re growing a human being. That’s a full-time job. I can handle everything else.”

You let out a soft laugh, shaking your head. “Joe, I don’t need you to handle everything. We’re a team, remember? And besides, I don’t want you burning yourself out before he even gets here.”

“I’m fine,” Joe insisted, his tone firm but caring. "I promise. I just...want everything to be right for him. He’s going to depend on us for everything, you know?”

Nikki sat down on the couch in the corner of the office, still grinning. “I’m not gonna lie, this is kind of impressive. Most dads just install the car seat and call it a day. But you? You’re basically turning this place into a baby-friendly, germ-free utopia."

Joe shot her a look but didn’t argue as you let out a yawn. "Are you tired?" He rushes out, "they should be done in our room, you can go take a nap if you need it. I was serious about you getting some rest."

"And so was I about you getting some rest. We won't be sleeping as much when he gets here so getting a head start on sleepless nights isn't the wisest business decision."

"Okay," Joe folds the corner of the page that he's on and stands up, kissing you on the side of the head. "What if...we kick Nikki and the cleaners out and we go take a nap?"

"Um hello?" Nikki waves her hand in the air, "still here, in the room, with both of you. I can hear everything you're saying."

Joe doesn’t bother acknowledging her, his eyes focused on you as you nod with a laugh. “I love you, Nik, but he’s right. I need to lie down before I collapse.”

Nikki smirks, standing and brushing imaginary dust off her jeans. “You’re so lucky you’re carrying my baby, Y/N. Go take your little nap, I’ll see myself out.” She pokes Joe in the chest as she passes. “Joe, co-parenting with you is going to suck, but I gotta admit—you’re going to be a killer dad. You just don’t need to stress yourself into a heart attack to prove it.”

Joe rolls his eyes, crossing his arms. "For the last time, it's OUR baby. Not yours. There is no co-parenting."

"Sure," Nikki smiles, patting him on the back, "sure buddy. Whatever helps you sleep at night. By the way, good luck kicking out the cleaners. I'm pretty sure one of them is power-washing your oven.”

She’s gone before Joe can reply, leaving you shaking with laughter as he mutters, “I’m changing the locks tomorrow.”

When you woke up from your nap, Joe was gone. You found him downstairs, scrolling through the notes on his iPad, intense focus that you'd really only seen when he was going over film. It was heartwarming to see that he was taking impending fatherhood as seriously as he took his job. In a way, being a dad was like taking on another job. With endless hours, no days off and no pay. But the rewards? They were going to be worth everything.

Sinking into the spot next to him, you leaned your head against his shoulder. “What are you up to?”

"Going over the checklist," he replied, his hand automatically resting on your belly, absentmindedly tracing small circles with his thumb. "We've got a bunch of deliveries coming tomorrow to get the nursery done which will probably take a couple days. Then we need to start getting the fridge stocked and pack our hospital bags. I was also thinking we do a trial run to the birth center."

"A trial run? Why?"

“I need to time it,” he said, his fingers still drumming softly against your bump. “Traffic could be bad, you’ll be in pain, and I’d rather not have to deliver a baby in the car. I mean, I can learn how to, but I’d rather not.”

You couldn’t help but smile as his focus shifted momentarily, his hand now lightly tapping your belly like he was sending a secret code. “Joe, we’ll be fine. We’ll get there when we get there. Not everything is gonna go to plan so let’s not waste time but trying to plan out every detail.”

“I hear you and I get what you’re saying but I’d rather be overprepared than caught off guard,” he muttered, flipping to a new note with his free hand. His other stayed firmly planted on your stomach, as though he could steady the world by keeping a connection to the little life inside. “Oh, and dinner with our parents tomorrow…that’s going to be something.”

"Be nice. They mean well," you reminded him, nudging his arm.

“Sure, but last week my dad said something about bourbon on baby gums helping with teething. I had to pretend to choke so I wouldn’t laugh in his face,” Joe said with a soft laugh of his own. Then, without thinking, he leaned down and whispered against your belly, “Just ignore your grandpa, buddy. We’ll do teething the right way.”

Your heart swelled at the gesture, and you reached out to thread your fingers through his hair. “Joe, you’re already such a good dad, you know that?”

His eyes softened as he looked up at you, his hand still cradling your bump. “I just want to get it right, for him… and for you.”

"You will. And you know how I know?" He shakes his head, his eyes locked in on you, searching for your answer. "Because once you put your mind to something, you don't let anything or anyone stop you."

For a moment, he’s quiet, his gaze softening before he speaks. “You’re gonna be a great mom, you know that?” He reiterates your words, his voice is barely above a whisper as he leans in, sneaking a kiss.

Your laugh is light, but your heart swells as he places his lips on yours one more time. “Kid’s pretty lucky,” he murmurs, his lips brushing against yours as he pulls back. “And he doesn’t even know it yet.”

The rest of the evening is spent ironing out some minor details of Joe's fool proof baby plans.

Your husband is not the handiest person in the world. He's more of a "I'll hire someone who's more qualified" kind of guy. Exhibit A? Full time chef so he doesn't have to cook. Exhibit B? Full time cleaning staff. To be honest, he probably doesn't know how to change a tire. But he also probably has access to triple A and one phone call from Joe Burrow might actually have everyone working that day rushing out to answer the call. With all that being said, you assumed that putting together furniture would not be something he'd be inclined to do. And then a few weeks ago he, Jimmy and your dad spent three hours building a custom Bellini crib. Now that he had a taste of satisfaction in knowing that he put it together with his own hands, he wanted to build everything in the baby's nursery.

Today's project consisted of your dad, Jimmy and Joe putting together a bunch of things that were delivered while you, your mom and Robin sorted through baby clothes and collected freshly washed laundry to place in his closet. Every tiny sock and little hat sent butterflies in your stomach at the thought of your own tiny person wearing these clothes in just a few short weeks. It was both daunting and exciting.

Throughout the day, more people were walking into the house, Ja'Marr came in first since he pretty much lived next door. Sam showed up 30 minutes later, a tool-kit in hand. A few high school friends even drove from Athens to help.

"Guess Joe called in the calvary." Robin says with a laugh, putting the onesies she just pulled out of the dryer in neat stacks to count and fold.

A few hours later, the three of you took a look at the inventory laid out before you. Your son probably had enough clothes to last him through four outfit changes a day for the next few months. You mentally reminded yourself to cut everyone off from buying any more articles of clothing until further notice.

The doorbell rang and Joe magically appeared downstairs to answer it, his Jeff Ruby's catering order had arrived. A few staff members carried in all the food and Joe thanked them on their way out. Before you could even ask, he said "you don't think they're all working for free do you? Had to give them a few incentives." You simply shook your head, a smile forming on your lips as he disappeared upstairs again.

When the guys were finally done, everyone gathered downstairs to eat dinner, casually chatting about life, Ja'Marr giving a recap of his offseason so far and what trips he had planned. Everything was actually normal until your mom spoke up.

"So, who are you guys gonna have in the delivery room with you?"

Joe nudged you under the table with his knee, giving you a look like "here we go."

"Um...we're still finalizing details of the birth plan. I was just thinking me and Joe for now, the less people seeing me at my worst, the better," you joke, trying to keep it light.

"Well what about visitors?" Robin chimes in. “How soon after are we going to be able to meet the little one?"

"We were thinking the next day. Gives us time to settle in, get some sleep and then have you guys meet him," Joe says casually. That seems to satisfy all parties, your parents nod in understanding and you breathe out a sigh of relief that the conversation doesn't go any further.

Pretty soon after dinner, most of the guests are gone and Joe asks if you want to see the nursery. You immediately hold out your arms and let him lift you to your feet, keeping a hand on the small of your back until you reach the room. Before he opens the door he covers your eyes with his other hand. "You ready?"

"Yes," you let out a small laugh, the anticipation eating away at you, "you've been hyping up these packages for weeks let's see what you’ve done."

"Alright," you hear him open the door and he guides you inside by the hand, still keeping your eyes covered. "3...2...1."

Some of the big things had already been put together. The walls had been painted, the closet space was set up, Joe had brought an LED starry-night ceiling projector (on top of the chandelier that was already in the room) and a sleek, modern changing table with a with several gadgets you weren’t ready to mess with. Yes it was too much. No, he wasn't going to return any of it.

Your eyes scanned the room: a plush, white rug that looked too soft to step on without socks, a glider that seemed to have more tech features than your car, and a Dyson purifier glowing faintly in the corner. You couldn’t help but smile at the thought of all the hands that had come together to make it perfect. “He’s not even here yet, and he’s already so loved,” you said, your voice catching slightly.

"He definitely is," Joe says happily, knowing he and his team nailed it. "Come on, I'll give you a tour." He gestures toward the window, "blackout curtains. I read that they can help babies and toddlers sleep better. They can also help regulate the temperature and reduce noise. For temperature though, I got a Dyson obviously, it's supposed to be the best.” He walks you over to the next spot. “Over here we have the changing table."

"Does this...have a built in warming pad for wipes?"

"Yeah isn't it great?” He beams, “so his little butt is warm when we change him in the middle of the night."

You let out a soft laugh at how much of a softie he already is for someone he hasn’t met yet. "He's gonna be mad we're changing him either way, warm wipes or not. But I know you’ll be using it so it’s fine.”

He opens the top drawer of the changing table, "I put some miscellaneous stuff in here. All organic. Silk-blend crib sheets, swaddles, and burp cloths that I washed yesterday so they're ready to use. Over here is the feeding station and the mini fridge, which I'm really excited about."

"Why do we need a mini fridge in the nursery?"

"Think about this. I'm on overnight baby duty and you're catching up on sleep. Our baby is sobbing because he's hungry. Instead of making him wait while I go downstairs and grab a bottle, we just have the bottles in here. And then this little compartment on this side is a freezer so we can have milk storage bags in here too since the bottle warmer is right there. And watch this,” Joe said, pressing a button on the bottle warmer. “It’s like a Formula 1 pit stop but for babies. Two minutes tops, and he’s good to go.” You raised an eyebrow, trying not to laugh at his comparison.

"You know what? I'm not mad at it. Keep going."

"Right next to the fridge is the actual feeding station so we've got a couple pillows here next to the chair, burp clothes and then a little table in case whoever is in here needs water or to set something down. White noise machine is over here. You gotta play with the setting there's like 100 sound options and custom settings. The baby monitor is cool too, it has HD video, two-way audio, sleep analytics, the whole nine.” Joe pick up the expensive contraption. “Here, let me show you some of the noise machine settings."

He was too excited for you to decline, so you motioned for him to go ahead. "This one is ocean waves," he said, hitting a button. A soft crash of waves echoed through the room. "And this is rainforest sounds. Oh, and this one—"

"OW!" you yelped, clutching your belly and bending forward slightly.

Joe froze mid-button press, the sound of chirping birds now filling the nursery. "What? What happened? Is it happening?" His voice rose an octave as he practically leapt across the room to you.

You couldn’t help but laugh through the sharp jolt of pain, waving him off with one hand. "Relax, Joe. It’s not labor. It’s uh...lightning crotch."

"Lightning what?" His panicked expression turned to utter confusion, and he blinked at you like you’d just spoken a foreign language.

"It’s this sharp, sudden pain down there," you explained, gesturing vaguely toward your lower half. "Totally normal. Just your kid punching my nerves like one of those UFC fighters you're obsessed with."

Joe stared at you, wide-eyed. "That’s a thing? That’s allowed? Why does no one tell dads about this stuff?"

You shrugged, still giggling as you slowly straightened up. "Welcome to pregnancy. Every day’s a surprise," you reassure him, patting him on the back.

Joe ran a hand through his hair, looking genuinely rattled. "Okay, so let me get this straight. So far, there’s morning sickness, swollen ankles, back pain, weird cravings, and now lightning crotch? What’s next? Spontaneous combustion?"

"Would you calm down?" you teased, reaching for his hand to give it a reassuring squeeze. "It’s not that bad. Just part of the process."

Joe let out a dramatic sigh, muttering, "You’re making a whole person, and I can’t even keep up with the symptoms."

"You’re doing great, babe," you said with a smirk. "Now, are you gonna show me what’s in the next drawer, or should I add 'Joe having a meltdown' to my list of pregnancy side effects?"

That earned a laugh from him, and he shook his head, pulling himself together. "Fine. But I’m looking this lightning crotch thing up later," he said, giving you a playful glare before opening the next drawer.

Joe is going through the various assortment of baby blankets but what catches your eye is the bookcase. You step closer to it, running your fingers over the leather-bound spines. "Are these…first editions of Goodnight Moon and Oh the Places You’ll Go?"

"Collector's editions," Joe corrected with a sheepish shrug. "My mom used to read these to me,” Joe explained, his voice soft. “I figured…maybe I could do the same for him. Only with the fanciest versions, of course.”

"Of course,” you affirm. “You're adorable. This place is...a lot. But it's genuinely perfect Joe, you guys did an amazing job, thank you."

"You don't have to thank me, I should be thanking you. You're making us parents soon."

"I know. Being in here and seeing it finished makes it feel more real. There's gonna be an actual person using this stuff. That's insane."

He grabs your hand and leads you out of the room, "it is insane. And I can't wait. I wonder what he's gonna look like."

"I hope he looks like you, that would be so adorable. Having a tiny version of you would be a dream."

Joe chuckled, a soft, boyish sound that made your heart flutter. "You’re setting the bar pretty high for this kid," he teased, then paused, his expression turning serious for a moment. "But really, no matter what he looks like I know he'll be perfect."

The two of you stood there in the quiet of the hallway, the soft hum of the mini fridge in the nursery the only sound. For a moment, everything felt perfectly still—just the two of you, on the edge of an adventure that would change your lives forever.

You said goodbye to the last of your visitors and you turned around to Joe standing in the middle of the living room holding a notepad and a pen. "Where did you even get that, weren’t you just hugging your mom?"

"I had it on the coffee table. We’re supposed to watch the video for our prenatal class, remember?"

"Right now?" You ask, looking at your phone. It was only 9pm but it felt like at least one in the morning. You felt like Joe with his strict bedtime during the season.

He nods, already reaching for the remote. "I have big plans for us tomorrow so yeah, now is the perfect time."

"Alright, put it on." You relax into him, grabbing your blanket. "You're really gonna take notes?"

"Yeah. This is for educational purposes, I need any helpful tips I can get."

"You're sure you're gonna be able to watch and write things down? I don't want to scare you but, it might be intense."

"Babe, I get chased by grown men who want to take my head off for a living. Intense is my middle name," he places the notebook on the table and ditches the writing utensil, lazily placing his arm around you before starting the video. "You know what? I might not even take notes this time, I'll probably watch it again in my office in a few weeks when we get closer to the due date and take notes then."

You shrug, letting him do his thing. "Whatever you say, babe."

Joe's relaxed posture slowly turned a bit more tense as the video went on, the graphic image of the baby crowning was unfortunately going to be engrained in his memory for a long time. You had to stifle a laugh as his usual cool, calm, and collected demeanor cracked like a fine china plate dropped onto tile.

"Is...is that what we're gonna go through? What you're gonna go through?" His voice was shaky, as though he’d seen a ghost.

"Yup," you emphasized the ‘p’ sound. "That right there is the beauty of childbirth Joseph." You could practically feel his discomfort radiating off him.

"Oh my god." Joe muttered, his eyes wide in disbelief as he tried to mentally recover.

You couldn’t help but laugh, leaning your head against his shoulder. "You know, it’s not all that bad. It's just...well, it’s a lot. And it’s very messy.”

He blinked at the screen, still not sure how to process what he’d just witnessed. "Right, sure, a lot. Just—" He exhaled dramatically, trying to find words. "I need a drink. I don't even like alcohol. Or we should maybe just call it a night and go to sleep. I need maybe a small...break from the miracle of life."

You chuckled, wrapping yourself up in the blanket and snuggling into his side. "Welcome to parenthood, Joe. Just wait until you're actually in the room. This was just the trailer."

Joe leaned back, a hand on his forehead as he processed the visual overload. "Little man needs to stay in there a little longer. I'm not ready to watch that horror film."

After declaring that the two of you needed a break from baby stuff, you and Joe took it easy the next day, diving into a true crime marathon after he came home from his morning workout. It was the perfect distraction from all the overwhelming baby prep. But today, he was back at it—better than ever.

"Did you know that newborns don’t have kneecaps? They have cartilage where they should be. They don’t get kneecaps until later."

"Wait what?" you ask, clearly confused.

"Yeah, I read it this morning, it's crazy. He isn't gonna have knees for weeks. I could've used that trick in 2020," Joe adds nonchalantly, his tone as casual as ever as he brushes off his knee injury from years ago. The way he brings it up so easily makes you laugh.

"What else did you learn?" you ask, your curiosity piqued.

Joe glances over at you, his eyes lighting up with excitement. "I read that dads who are involved early on in caregiving—like diaper changes and feedings—bond with their babies faster and more strongly. So I’m all in on that."

"Baby?" you ask, tilting your head to the side as you look over at him.

Joe pipes up, looking away from his hospital bag, still gathering his things. "Yeah?"

"You didn't have a choice on that one. You were gonna feed him and change his diapers whether you liked it or not," you laugh and easily catch the t-shirt he tosses at you. It just happened to be your favorite one you liked to steal and it smelled just like him. That was definitely coming with you to the hospital.

You stand up from your spot on the floor, checking everything off your list. You had comfy clothes, fuzzy socks, four outfits (just in case), a phone charger, a portable charger, a water bottle and a robe which you'd never worn before but Joe insisted you bring it because what if this was the one time that you actually needed it. "What's in your bag?"

Joe opened the Nike duffel and let you take a look. "Why do you have your backup iPad in here?" you ask, a little puzzled.

"OTAs start two weeks after he's born. I need to glance through stuff and make sure I'm ready," he explains, glancing at you with a shrug.

You roll your eyes playfully. "Fine, but what are these doing in here?" You pull out his Bose noise-canceling headphones. "Are you gonna tune me out while I'm in labor?"

Joe looks at you with wide eyes, practically dropping the headphones in surprise. "What? No!" He quickly pulls out another pair, a sheepish smile on his face. "I brought some for you too, just in case you want to listen to music and, you know, maybe tune me out a little."

"You're really thinking ahead, huh?" you tease, a grin tugging at your lips.

Joe shrugs, his smile growing. "I try."

You nod, crossing your arms. "I mean, I guess we’ll see if those headphones get a workout during the labor part."

Joe gives you a playful look, his tone still light-hearted but his eyes full of genuine excitement. "I’m just saying, if you need a little escape from my endless rambling during contractions, at least you have options."

"Oh Joey, I love you."

“I love you,” he sighs, pulling you into a tight hug, feeling steady kicks against his stomach. "And I love you too, baby boy. Kid can't stand not having the attention on him," he smiles, his voice soft but filled with affection.

"Taking after his dad already?" you tease, the corners of your mouth lifting into a grin.

Joe pulls back slightly, raising an eyebrow with a mock-serious expression. "Now you know that’s just not true."

You chuckle softly, resting your head against his chest. "I guess we’ll see, huh?"

He lets you go and the two of you go through all three bags one more time before Joe announces the next task. "Are you ready for our hospital trial run?"

"I still think it's ridiculous but if it'll make you feel more comfortable then I'm in."

Joe carries all the bags down the stairs, tossing them by the door and has the stopwatch open on his phone. "Okay, here we go." He presses 'start' and grabs the keys and the bags while you stand in the kitchen, taking a sip of water as you waddle to the car.

"Babe, why are you going so slow? We're on a time crunch here."

"Well if you must know, your son is crushing all of my internal organs and grinding my hip bones together. If I walk too fast I’ll pee. And then you'll have to get me new clothes and I'll have to change. That'd be really bad for your time crunch."

He drops it immediately. "Okay you're right, take your time."

Once he helps you in the car he rushes around to the driver's side and buckles in, opening the garage door and pulling out of the driveway. You're holding the phone, watching his time as he drives carefully but efficiently, weaving through the streets like a man on a mission. "What if there's traffic that day?" You ask.

"Then I'll figure it out. I just need ballpark range how long it'll take us to get there." He checks the stopwatch again, the third time in the last five minutes.

"Joe, you don't have to treat this like you’re at the two-minute warning during the Super Bowl when you’re down one score."

His grip tightens on the steering wheel despite your words, his jaw clenching as he glances at you, "better to be safe than sorry."

You shrug, reclining in your seat to take some pressure off your back.

"You good?" He asks gently, his hand finding its way to your leg. "How’s the baby doing?" Joe asks, glancing at you between turns, a hint of concern in his voice. "Should we pull over so you can stretch?"

"No, I'm fine," you sigh, a smile tugging at your lips as you settle in more comfortably. "I could really go for some ice cream right now though."

"We'll get some on the way home," he laughs, a relieved chuckle escaping him. "Call it a reward for a successful trial run."

He pulls into the parking lot of the birth center with a sigh of relief, glancing at his phone in your hand. "13 minutes, not bad at all," he says with a sense of accomplishment.

"Yeah, that's great," you smile, a playful glint in your eyes. "I want a scoop of rocky road and a scoop of raspberry sorbet. In a bowl."

"Together?" he asks, his eyebrows raised in mock disbelief.

"Yes," you reply, grinning.

Joe pulls out of the parking lot, a proud smile on his face as if he just completed an Olympic event. "Mission accomplished. Ice cream in five minutes."

A week later, Joe was going over a food list with his chef Morgan. "For quick snacks, I was thinking Greek yogurt with granola and fruit, hard-boiled eggs—she'll need the protein. Maybe some string cheese or cheese cubes, nut butter with apples or bananas. We’ll definitely need to stock up on protein bars," he lists off items, looking through the fridge and cabinets.

"What‘a going on in here?" You walk into the kitchen and spot Morgan jotting down every word Joe is saying.

Joe looks up and smiles at you but then pauses for a moment, his eyes tracking your every movement as you waddle over to the counter. He raises an eyebrow. "You alright? You're walking like you just got off a horse."

You roll your eyes playfully but feel a grin spread across your face. "Nice to see you’re paying attention."

"Seriously," Joe says, now focused on you with concern. He steps closer, his hands resting lightly on your shoulders as he watches you shuffle around. "That’s a pretty pronounced waddle. You okay?"

"Yup, just one of the perks of carrying a tiny human in there." You shrug, trying to act casual about it, but it's hard to ignore how much effort it takes to move these days.

Morgan, glancing between the two of you, stifles a laugh. "It’s the baby," he explains with a knowing look. "The weight shifts, and her body’s getting ready for the big day."

Joe doesn’t look entirely convinced. "I don’t know, babe," he says, lightly tapping your belly. "Maybe we need to get you some support or something. You shouldn’t have to waddle all over the place. Like one of those belly belt things to help take the weight off your hips.”

You smirk. "Trust me, I’ve got it covered. But thanks for noticing."

Joe looks at you, giving you a soft smile that says he’s both amused and a little concerned. "Yeah, no problem. I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable."

"Thanks, Joe," you tease, giving him a playful nudge before you turn to Morgan, who’s still scribbling on his notepad as Joe turns his away again. "So, what do you have so far?"

Morgan lists off everything he’s written, "Trail mix, chia pudding, pumpkin or sunflower seeds—"

"We never have those in the house," you note, crossing your arms. "Why now?"

"They're high in zinc and other nutrients that support lactation," Joe says simply, not looking up from the fridge.

"That's helpful but I really will probably need fruit, veggie sticks and hummus since you're interesting in me increasing my protein intake, maybe some avocado toast and smoothies too? Keep it simple, Morgan. I’ll also need the lactation cookies I sent you."

"Noted." Morgan says, catching Joe’s shake of his head as you laugh.

"Just get her whatever she wants," Joe sighs, exasperated, but with a fond smile. "I’m actually glad you brought up the cookies, Y/N, because I wanted to run something by you. Both of you, actually."

You sigh, already dreading the conversation, and the chef looks up from his list. "What’s up?"

Joe pulls out a folder from one of the kitchen drawers, showing Morgan the list of the “best” lactation cookie and energy bite recipes he could find.

"Babe," you groan, "I told you that you're overthinking the cookies. They’re just cookies."

“Lactation cookies,” he corrected, already flipping to another recipe. “These are important. They’re, like, your fuel.”

"My apologies your honor," you laugh again, "carry on."

Morgan laughs too and Joe playfully glares at him. "Yeah—yeah, laugh it up guys." He gestures toward the folder, "I highlighted the key ingredients on each recipe.”

The chef raised an eyebrow at the sheer number of recipes. “You want me to make all of these?”

You stand up and take a peak at the extensive list, "you don't have to do that Morgan, just make a few batches of chocolate chip and call it a day," you sense Joe tensing next to you and you rub his back a little, "you're doing that thing again. Where you're freaking out instead of relaxing. You need to relax," you say with a small smile, guiding him back to calm.

You take your eyes off of Joe and focus your attention back on Morgan. "Thank you for never flinching at his insane requests, but if these cookies don’t work out, you can just order some. As long as they have oats, flaxseed, and brewer’s yeast to support milk production, then I should be fine."

Morgan nods, jotting a few more things down before he leaves to head to the grocery store. Joe looks at you, his expression softening. You nod at him, offering a reassuring smile.

"Yeah, you’re not the only one who’s done their research,” you say, nodding your head as his lips twitch into a smile.

"I’m impressed.” He gives you tiny claps, the playful gesture breaking the moment of seriousness. “Speaking of research...I may have one more surprise for you."

"I don't think I can handle anymore surprises," you groan, "can you just tell me what it is?"

"I don't think you know what a surprise is," he laughs rubbing your back, "let me just show you and then I'll leave you alone for the rest of the day."

"That's a lie,” you reply flatly, narrowing your eyes at him.

"Okay, fine. It’s definitely a lie," he admits with a sheepish grin, shrugging like he’s caught red-handed.

Joe takes you to the most unlikely place to reveal a surprise. "Joe...why are we in the bathroom?"

"This is the surprise. Do you see anything different?"

You look around, not sensing anything extremely out of place. Until you see it and tears start pooling in your eyes. "How did you—when did you do this?"

"It's just a little something I put together to make things easier for you when we're home. There's another one in the closet downstairs. I'll move it out so you have easy access when it's time." He pauses, taking a second to collect his thoughts. "I just want to make sure you’re as comfortable as you can be. I know this is going to be tough on you, and I...I want to feel like I’m helping, even if it’s in a small way."

A postpartum station, not the most glamorous gift in the world, but it was one of the most meaningful things he'd ever done for you. Imagining him sitting in his office or sitting up in bed at night doing all this research to ensure you were comfortable made you want to cry. You never thought the sight of adult diapers, nipple cream, and a portable stool could bring you to tears, but here you were, overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness behind it all.

Joe gently wipes at a tear that slips down your cheek, his expression softening as he says, ‘hey, don’t cry. I want you to have everything you need. You deserve it."

You blink back the new tears threatening to spill over, shaking your head in disbelief. ‘I can’t believe you thought of all this. Thank you, Joe.

"Pretty much," he shrugs, giving you kiss on the side of the head. "Just one more thing to check off the list."

"And what's that?"

"Bringing him home and having him here, physically with us."

You laugh, resting a hand on your lower belly, on top of Joe's hand. "Oh yeah...that one minor detail."

“Minor detail?!” Joe grins, his eyes bright with amusement. “I think that’s the main event, babe. Let’s hope I don’t need a stopwatch for that one.”

His thumb brushes over your knuckles, grounding you in the moment, “Thank you, Joe. For this…for thinking of everything. If you’re this amazing now, I can’t wait to see you as a dad.”

His expression softens, his gaze dropping to your belly as if imagining the tiny life inside. “I just want to make sure you both have everything you need,” he says quietly. He spoke with such quiet certainty that it left no room for doubt—this wasn’t just a job to him; it was everything.

The lump in your throat returns, but this time you let it linger, because this—his quiet devotion, his unwavering effort—is why you fell in love with him. “You’re already doing it,” you whisper, your voice thick with emotion. “And you’re doing it perfectly.”

Joe smiles, brushing a kiss to your temple. “Good. Now let’s get through the rest of this list before he gets here and turns everything upside down.”

Your laugh echoes through the bathroom, the two of you standing there in the glow of anticipation, knowing your lives were about to change in the most beautiful way.

[gingersxng]

Sex Addiction

Pairing: f!reader x San

Summary: your boyfriend can’t keep his hands to himself and isn’t sorry about the consequences which follows

Genre: Smut 18+

Notes: sub!reader, rough dom!San, San has a sex addiction, San is really horny, public touching, nipple sucking, pussy eating, fingering, spanking, bruising, unprotected sex (always keep safe), cum eating, cream pie, many rounds, overstimulation

Words: 814

you were invited to a family dinner with your parents at a fancy restaurant earlier this evening but halfway through your boyfriend decided it would be appropriate to start playing with you under the table. caressing his hand on your squishy thighs and then further up your short skirt while holding a conversation with your mom. you felt your heart race and your body froze cause you were so scared someone would notice. you squeezed your thighs together locking his hand in between them to give him a warning. a deep chuckle escaped his lips. he pinched your thigh making you jolt up with a “ouch”. you threw a deadly glare at him and he honestly couldn’t care less cause all you got in return was a dirty smirk. “everything alright honey” your mom asked with a worried look on her face. “she’s been having bad cramps lately, I think I should take her home so she can get some rest” San replied squeezing your thigh.

and that’s how you ended up on your bed with your boyfriend sucking on your nipples and a hand inside your panties. “y-you really can’t restrain yourself c-can you” you moaned out trying to sound angry. San let go of your nipple and gave you a smirk sliding in two fingers inside your hole. “oh how well you know me..” he chuckled pumping his fingers faster. his actions made your back arch and eyes shut tight. this wasn’t the first time something like this had happened when you and San were out together, his sex drive was almost too much but you wouldn’t have it any other way seriously.

he pulled down your panties and rubbed your clit a few times before he dove right in. tongue gliding up and down your folds tasting your arousal. you put your hand in his hair pushing him down a bit, he groaned against your clit sending electric waves to your stomach. your moans were like angels singing in Sans ears and he could feel his cock twitch in his pants. your orgasm hit you like a train and you came all over his tongue, your body felt so heavy. San didn’t waste any time, he licked you clean and hurried to undo his pants letting his leaking aching friend out. “you don’t know how hard it is to keep my cock inside my pants when we’re out darling” his voice were deep and serious making your whole body shiver. he took his cock guiding it to your aching hole, being too excited like he used to get he didn’t give you a chance to adjust to him and you let out a whimper from the burn. he rutted into you like his life depended on it, your hands grabbing around him scratching his back. his eyes were pitch black and his bangs sticking to his sweaty forehead, San wasn’t that vocal instead he was growling and it always made your pussy clench around his cock sucking him all in. “fuck, I’m gonna cum if you keep clenching like that” “then cu- cum mmh inside me” you moaned out. he almost came just hearing you say that. he pulled out grabbing you by the waist flipping you over on your stomach. “on all fours now” he growled. with shaky legs you obeyed him.

he hit your ass cheeks very hard a few times which would leave handprints before taking hold on your hips squeezing hard while he pushed himself inside again. you felt tears rolling down your cheeks from the mixed feeling of pleasure and pain, San always used to go very rough on you when you had sex which meant you almost never had romantic and slow sex. “my beautiful sexy girl gonna get filled up good with my cum” he groaned throwing his head back. you felt your stomach twist and your mouth fell open when he put one hand on your clit and the other squeezing your ass hard while thrusting in and out. “pls S-Saaaannn!” you screamed, your legs almost gave out under you. “cum for me baby” he spanked you one more time with force and you came while letting out a loud broken moan. San pressed his hips into you and you could feel his cock twitch inside you, a big load of cum spurting into you. San pulled out watching as the cum was dripping out from your stretched hole all over your thighs, just the sight made him hard again. before you had time to rest you felt him pushing his cock in again.

“San you’re kidding…” you threw your head back to look at him. he gave you a sly smile letting out a little laugh. “when you have an addiction it’s damn hard to stop” he said bending over kissing your neck and grabbing your boobs as he started to thrust into you again.

[angellic4l]

custom colour - d.m

in which; gf!reader really wants to colour in derek’s tattoos, so she has to be creative in convincing him.

content: established relationship!!, PURE FLUFF, derek is gone on reader, reader technically manipulates him but she’s just a girl, brief mention of reader’s parents having a loveless relationship, one mention of them working together but you can ignore it if you want, makeup used but not on reader.

a/n: SHES BACK!! i have another derek drabble written for this week to keep you all fed and i hope to write spencer on the weekend but we’ll see how that goes. this is for @floraisunwell 🫶🏽 thank you @esote-rika for the title and thank you @darkmatilda for ideas. kisses!!

After a week’s long case in another state and seven nights in an unfamiliar bed, you and your boyfriend typically eradicate it all from memory with a ritual that’s become almost instinctual over the time you’ve been together. 

Firstly, you both have showers separately - and take however long you want - to wash everything ‘tainted’ from yourselves. Afterwards, the pair of you get into your comfiest pyjamas and order from Lou’s (your favourite chinese takeout) to make up for the lack of food consumed in recent days. Finally, it’s all followed by heading to bed for a restful and long sleep in your own bed.

That’s how tonight was supposed to go, anyway, but instead you find yourself just about to turn off the lamp when Derek simply mumbles;

“Goodnight, babygirl.”

“Oh, so we’re just friends now? Got it,” is your response before turning off the lamp on your bedside table, rolling away from him in bed, and hauling the duvet over your shoulder. 

Unfortunately for you, growing up with two sisters means that your boyfriend isn’t about to let this slide, and so he’s reaching over you and turning on the lamp just as fast as it’s gone out. He positions himself half leaning above you so that it’s impossible to get comfortable no matter how hard you may try. You don’t.

“Hold on now, what was that for?”

“Nothing, s’fine.”

“Clearly, something is bothering you,” his hand strokes your hair gently, “Talk to me, beautiful.”

With a resigned sigh, you sit yourself up in bed, him moving with you to allow the room for such a manoeuver. When thinking about how to properly express yourself, you realise it may be a tiny bit petty, however Derek is visibly tired. Much to his chagrin, you’ve just figured out a way to work this to your favour. 

“You never call me ‘babygirl’ ‘cause that’s Penny’s nickname. It’s reserved for her and only her, just like how you never call her ‘Princess’ because that’s for me. Calling me ‘babygirl’ just made me feel different.”

Realisation slowly starts to catch up with Derek and his face conveys it, albeit slower than normal because of how tired he is. The plan is falling into place. Now, other people may think this is horrible - manipulating your clearly exhausted and loving boyfriend over a small slip he made, that is. But you? Oh, you think this is genius. 

Hook.

“I can understand that. Different, how though, sugar?”

“I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this about yourself, but you separate nicknames depending on the person and the relationship you have with them. You calling me ‘babygirl’ made me feel like a friend.”

“It wasn’t intentional, but I can see why. ‘M just still not getting what warranted your reaction to it.”

Another sigh is elicited from your lips, purely performative of course, but Derek’s none the wiser to your shenanigans. Instead of seeing right through you, he reaches for your hand and starts stroking the backs of your knuckles with his thumb in a supportive gesture. 

Line.

“Because, sometimes I wonder if you’re falling out of love with me but won’t tell me.”

Maybe a little too far, but it’s not exactly a whole lie. The thought definitely crosses your mind after hearing another story about someone being trapped in a loveless relationship - even more so when your mother drunkenly tells you about hers with your father. 

Within an instant, despite his hastened reaction time, Derek is pulling you into his chest with the hand he previously held and stroking your hair while he lets you rest against him. It’s not long before the sweet reassurances come and he’s offering ‘anything and everything’ to you. 

“Oh, sugar, I promise I never wanted you to feel that way,” a kiss to your forehead and then, “I love you, and I will always love you.”

“I love you, too. It’s fine, I guess.”

“Is there anything I can do to make it better? I swear, I’d do anything for you, you know that.”

Sinker.

“M’not sure…” You tilt your head to look up at him, flutter your lashes, and follow up with, “maybe one thing?”

“Anything, princess.”

“I know I asked and you said no-”

“-We are not getting a puppy.”

“It’s not that! I think I’d feel better if you let me colour in your tattoos. Just the arm ones!”

Derek refrains from raising his forefinger and thumb to pinch his nose, swallows the sigh that’d follow it, and slowly nods instead. As tired as he is, it’s not like he has to do much in this scenario, and getting his girlfriend to stop being upset with him is the most desirable option in this situation.

Any and all ‘hurt’ disappears from your face, the petulant frown almost instantly being replaced with an excited grin as you jump up from the bed to grab what you need. Luckily, Derek is much too busy thinking about how on Earth you’ve managed to get him wrapped around your little finger to notice just how quick the change was. 

After practically running up and down the room, you return with a small makeup bag and a few brushes. Sitting cross legged, adjacent to the side of him, you begin to unpack everything you’d previously shoved in there and start placing them on your thigh. Derek spots a palette of sparkling eyeshadow, and then another, before eventually he speaks up. 

“Uh-uh, you are not putting that stuff on me.”

“You said anything and I chose this. Now be quiet and hold still for me, yeah?”

A huff escapes him, yet he resigns and holds his right arm out for you, placing his wrist on your empty leg. A sense of victory washes over you and you hum in contentment while spreading primer across the three ‘S’s that adorn his upper arm. Once the primer is evenly distributed, you go to find one of the brushes that’s seemingly fallen off of your leg and onto the mattress.

Unbeknownst to you, your boyfriend picks up a palette of eyeshadow and opens it, browsing the colour options of glittery powder. A brush now in hand, your eyes return to him, furrowing your eyebrows at his sleepy eyes moving over each square. Eventually, he turns the palette around to face you and points at a shade of red. 

“Can you use this one, princess?”

“You said no to this last week and now you’re picking custom colours?”

“Hey, it’s my arm this is going on.”

“Why, yes, sweet lover of mine, I will use ‘Love Letter’. Just for you.”

If you were any other girl in the world, Derek swears he’d be rolling his eyes at your antics, but instead he just shakes his head with a tired smile, because you’re not just any other girl in the world. You’re his girl, who somehow turned a womaniser into the most whipped man on Earth. 

Once you begin outlining the tattoo with the shade he’d requested, Derek finds the soft swipes of the brush against his skin actually somewhat soothing. Too busy with your ministrations, you aren’t all that aware of how his eyes begin to flutter until they remain permanently closed. In fact, it’s only when there’s a soft snore from him that you realise he’s finally succumbed to sleep. 

Abusing the fact he’s asleep and pliant, you take your time with outlining each line of the three ‘S’s, using slow brush strokes to carry the task out with the fine precision you’d always imagined doing this with. 

Finishing the last few details, a small yawn bubbles up your throat. After spraying his arm with your best setting spray, you take it as a sign to finally head to bed yourself, packing all of the makeup back into the bag and placing it on the nightstand. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Derek wakes up before you the next morning, as usual, because he sets his alarm an hour and forty five minutes earlier than yours so that he can use the gym. When he’s getting changed, he notices blue glitter on his arm out of the corner of his eye, which leads him to stand sideways in front of the mirror. The sight brings the memory of what you’d done last night back and he finds himself shaking his head at it once more despite the massive grin on his face. 

In the bathroom, he stares at the canvas you’d made of his arm in the cabinet mirror for a moment longer, admiring it before eventually wiping it clean from his arm and then continuing about getting ready for the gym. Before he leaves, he comes into the bedroom to kiss you goodbye - as he often does, even if you’re never awake to reciprocate it. 

“You’re some woman, getting me to agree to that. my woman, though, huh.”

With that, he plants his lip on your forehead and cheek for good measure before standing up and leaving your shared bedroom. You wonder if he noticed the smile on your face and if he knew you were definitely not asleep that time.

[seellove]

Could You Stay a Little Longer // drug dealer!sukuna x reader

Masterlist

Chapter 4 // (8.8k words) // Explicit - 18+

\|/ AO3 - Chapter 4 | << Chapter 3 | Chapter 5 >>

You're pursuing a master degree across the country, but are currently back in your hometown housesitting for your parents. They've told you all about their undesirable new neighbor, but when you start to get to know said neighbor, you realize he isn't all that bad. Your controlling boyfriend won't let up on you and you grapple with enjoying the company of this drug dealing neighbor boy, Sukuna. Nothing about this is going the way you planned, but is it so bad to let yourself be treated well for a change?

The cultural setting for this is technically economically depressed, rural USA where good paying jobs are hard to come by and there's not many opportunities in small towns, but it could really be anywhere that meets this criteria!

Content Tags/Warnings Throughout Work: Reader and Sukuna are mid 20s, mentions of recreational drug use and drug dealing, mentions of abusive/controlling/manipulative relationship (not Sukuna), could possibly be considered cheating depending on your interpretation (not Sukuna), angst, smut, fluff, time skip, prison time, happy ending trust!

AN: FYI we go on a date but it's nothing super graphic. Also I don't know much about the inner workings of a relationship with an inmate, so I apologize if anything seems weird, I just hope I am capturing the complicated feelings that would come with it. Italicized portions are letters between us and Sukuna and bold time stamps are how many months have passed since Sukuna was arrested.

2 Months

Sukuna,

Sorry I haven’t reached out until now. It took awhile to figure out how to mail this to you, and it was hard to know what to say at first. I feel bad talking about my life out here knowing you are confined to a cell. Your lawyer told me your hearing is next month. Thank you for letting him contact me and keep me in the loop. Mr. Higuruma is a nice man and seems like a good lawyer. I don’t wanna to get my hopes up, but I’m optimistic that he can help make this better, maybe that’s just me in denial though.

Enough rambling, how are you though? Are you nervous? Scared? I’m sorry I’m so naive to what prison life is like…have you made friends? If that’s a stupid question just tell me. What’s your room like? I have so many questions, if this is annoying just tell me. The last thing I wanna do is irritate you considering you’ll get one of these every other month.

I’ve been able to hang out with my friends a lot since I got back home. When they heard I’d broken up with Cam, they were so happy. They never held it against me, but they truly didn’t know how else to help me while we were together because I wouldn’t listen to them. Having an outside party like you was really what I needed to finally cut the cord. It’s weird not being around him all the time, but I’m slowly learning how to trust myself and be independent again. 

Surprisingly he has pretty much left me alone. I think me cheating on him knocked him down a few pegs and made him see I’m not the huge pushover he made me out to be. Oh well, onto bigger and better things. 

The spring semester is almost over for me, I’m planning to teach some undergrad classes to make a little extra money but other than that I’m going to try and take it easy. Maybe do some hiking and camping, I’d like to climb some of the mountains out here so I’m going to start preparing for when the snow melts off the highest peaks.

I’ve included my address with this, so I hope you can write me back. I miss you, feel free to call me anytime. 

I hope this isn’t a weird sign off, but I do love you and hope you are okay. Don’t feel pressured to reciprocate.

3 months

Sukuna smiles when he sees the letter come in. The guard had slid it through the bars before he woke up so it was a nice surprise.

How am I? Fucking bored out of my mind, he thinks to himself, chuckling under his breath. You are so nice though and he appreciates how thoughtful you are, but goddamn anything you share is more interesting than what’s in here. Starting at a concrete wall and a steel wall of bars can only be so stimulating.

He won’t be calling you, that will just make things harder for him and you. He stands by his words of wanting you to have a normal life and leaving you to figure out whether or not you want to leave him behind. 

God he wants to reciprocate those three words. Nothing in his mind right now is constant, every day feels different even though the motions are the same: Wake up, breakfast, back to the cell, lunch, some yard time, back to the cell, dinner, back to the cell. Day in and day out.

While the physical routine is repetitive, his emotions and feelings are a roller coaster, never knowing how he will feel when he wakes up in the morning and when his head hits the pillow at night. He has no idea what his future holds, everything in the hands of some damn judge who just knows him by his charges and a lawyer who probably just sees him as another paycheck. He’ll get paid whether he wins or loses.

The only thing he can be sure of is his love for you, and that grounds him just a little. The thought that someone outside these walls cares and worries for him brings some comfort in those moments of panic.

Sukuna’s parents were beside themselves when they heard and offered no support. He tried to explain himself, but to them, it was just another failure in the litany of fuckups that was his adult life. 

How could he blame them? He just got lucky he met you when he did, you didn’t know him as the kid who could never get his shit together, who’d let everyone down for years. The piece of shit who wasted his parent’s money and time. 

Then again, you are joining him on this next chapter of his life which will surely be nothing but him disappointing you, so maybe you’ll feel the same way by the time he gets out, or more likely, sooner than that and drop his ass. This is why he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. 

He reads the letter over and over while lying on his bunk and eventually starts to read it every night before bed. Touching the same paper that your hands held before you sealed it up, the smeared ink that he can tell you brushed by accident brings him a comfort that he can’t explain. Maybe if he’s lucky, you kissed it before sliding it into the envelope. 

He stares up at the same ceiling he’s been looking at for three months now. Sukuna’s not sure if he’s slowly starting to lose his mind, but he swears he can discern patterns and shapes in the texture of the material. Squinting his eyes, he tries to put a name to the shapes, but it all just looks like a jumbled mess, an accurate representation of his current mental state.

His mind wanders to you as it normally does, the crushing feeling of shame and remorse settling in as he thinks about how he could be with you right now if he hadn’t stopped driving, if he’d let that family die. 

Having nothing to do but think all day does dangerous things to his mind. Once he gets sentenced and settled for a while, things should get better and he should get to participate in the various prison programs and activities available to a long term inmate. For now all he can do is work out and watch his pink hair get longer and messier. Oh and overthink every millisecond of his life to date and wonder what you were doing and who you were thinking about when you’re alone.

He prays you won’t hate him, but he wouldn’t blame you if you did when it’s all said and done.

4 months

Tomato girl!

Long time no talk. I’m assuming you know what my sentencing is from Mr. Hiruguma. Ten years with the opportunity for parole. Shit sucks, I’m determined to hopefully get this parole though, whenever that is. Mr. H said usually after serving a quarter to a third of the time they’ll reassess, but he said depending on the needs of the prison system and if they need more space, inmates can get moved around or even moved to parole early. 

How am I doing? Honestly, scared, sad, bored, any and all combinations of these words. 

Some things I am hopeful about though? Now that I’ve been processed and placed in my new home (long term detention facility :P) I can start participating in the prison programs. Thankfully I was deemed not a threat or a danger to others and myself, so I was able to go to a lower security facility that is focused on rehabilitation. I should be able to finish my degree, AND, they have trade programs I can get into as well. Pretty cool right? I had no idea this was even a thing. 

So maybe my plans aren’t as out of reach as I thought, just a bit delayed. It’s the first glimmer of hope I’ve felt in months. There is something relieving about not being caught up in a life of moving drugs and running an empire. Like I can finally just breathe and start over. Obviously being locked up is not the ideal way I’d have liked to do that, but I’m grasping at anything positive at this point.

I’ve made a few friends since coming to my new facility. My cellmate, Gojo, was a dealer from a rival organization. There’s some bad blood, but at the end of the day we respect each other. He wants to be better too, he’s got a girl on the outside, so we have that in common. He has a kid though he hasn’t seen. He got her pregnant right before he got arrested so she was born while he was incarcerated. He’s never met her, never seen her first anything. It makes me sad and it’s not even my kid. 

…you aren’t pregnant with a little mini me are you? The thought never crossed my mind until I met him and told him about you. I might actually lose it if that’s the case. I wouldn’t hate it though, it would just mean I’m the fuckin’ man and have the most elite swimmers ha. Just wouldn’t want to leave you alone to go through that.

Fuck Cam, don’t wanna hear about him anymore. He’s lucky I’m locked up is all I can say. I’m glad he’s gone for good. 

Please share anything and everything, I wanna hear it all. Also ask me random questions, nothing is off limits.

Hiking and camping sound awesome, I haven't done that in years but now I want to when I get out. I love fishing too. Something so relaxing when it’s just you and the river. Even if I didn’t catch anything, it was never a wasted day in my eyes.

Hopefully I’ll have a more interesting update when I’m more settled, but I guess for now I’ll just buckle up for this ten year long ride and hope some luck is on my side.

With love and a kiss on the cheek,

Sukuna

PS - do you ever seen patterns or objects in the texture of ceilings? Let me know, I’m collecting data.

5 months

You practically drop all your mail when you see the letter from Sukuna in your slot in the mail room. It takes all your willpower to wait to tear it open until you get up to your apartment.

You sit down on the couch and carefully open the envelope, not trusting yourself to stay standing once you finally lay eyes on it.

His lawyer had unfortunately shared the news about the sentencing and it had broken you when you heard. 

Your friends knew about the man behind bars. You’d shared the story one day when they dragged it out of you after breaking down in tears, overwhelmed by everything. They were very supportive and listened to everything you had to share, but also felt Sukuna wasn’t completely off base with wanting you to live your life. Ten years was a long ass time and it seemed unrealistic to expect you to wait for someone you’d known for so little time.

At one of your wine nights, you’d found his social media pages to show them what he looked like. Going through old pictures of young Sukuna had you all laughing, he was such a little punk and must’ve thought he was the hottest shit in high school and college with that fratty attire. White backwards hats over a mess of pink hair while holding red solo cups surely full of some kind of cheap beer with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth seemed to be his staple. You wished you could tease him in person but through a letter would have to do. 

They agreed though that his most recent pictures were hot and were very proud of you for fucking him all night.

Speaking of that, you were absolutely not pregnant. You can’t deny that the thought crossed your mind given how many times he’d blown his load inside you, but that birth control held strong, leaving you childfree. You can’t even fathom how much worse this could have been, raising your felon baby daddy’s child by yourself for ten years. Your parents would have just been thrilled. 

Which by the way, they knew nothing about what happened. Well, not exactly nothing, but an abridged version. Just that you’d met the neighbor and hung out with him a few times while you were house sitting. They were unaware of the anguish and suffering that had followed as everything blew up in your face.

7 months

Papa Kuna,

Let’s address the elephant in the room, you are not going to be a dad, at least with me…not sure about anyone before me though :D

That’s great that you get along with your cellmate. I’m sure it’s a little less lonely in there with someone you can at least interact with. I think being scared and nervous is completely normal. You got dropped into an unknown place where you knew nobody and had no idea how things operate, who wouldn’t be affected?

The news about your degree and trade school…that is so fantastic!! I looked into it too and sure enough, that’s a thing in other prisons. I hope they’ll see you want to be better when you get out and that helps your parole chances. 

I stalked your social media and saw some pictures of high school and college Sukuna. You were…something haha. Showed my friends too, we all had a good laugh, but we all agreed you were a cutie. I was so lame at that age you’d never have looked my way, I’m lucky I met you when I did. 

What is prison food like? I’ve been cooking a lot of Mexican food lately, throwing anything and everything into a taco. 

I’ve climbed three mountains so far this summer. I’ll have to show you the pictures one day, for now enjoy this stick figure drawing of me on a mountain at the bottom. I didn’t look nearly as happy as that horrible drawing shows me, more like a hot mess gasping for breath. But the views were amazing! I could see for an eternity it felt like, and I was really proud of myself for doing something like that. 

My classes I teach are full of some real brats. A lot of them are having to retake the class in the summer to stay on track and they just have the worst attitudes and seem to take it out on me. Like guys I didn’t tell you to fail, I’m just here. I don’t get paid enough for that shit.

Staring up at my ceiling now, I can see a few things. A dog, an alligator, and a banana are what I’m sort of seeing. What do you see? 

For your random questions:

Did you play any sports growing up? I played soccer and basketball.

What’s been your favorite vacation? Mine was a trip to a national park seeing all the animals. Especially grizzly and black bears.

What did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be a doctor but realized I’m scared of blood so quickly abandoned such endeavors.

Lots of love and a kiss on your dick,

Tomato girl

8 months

Sukuna’s jaw hit the floor with a gasp when he saw your sign off and then he got way too hard with the visual that bulldozed all rational thought out of his brain. 

“You good bro?” Gojo laughs from the other side of the cell, watching Sukuna’s face flush.

“No, not really,” Sukuna groans, staring up at the ceiling and adjusting himself as best he can. There’s no shame in here, no privacy, no secrecy, so he doesn’t really care.

“Get a sexy message?” Gojo teases. “If you did lemme see, gotta take what we can get in here.”

“She made a reference to sucking my dick,” Sukuna laughs, folding up your letter and tucking it under his pillow. “And no you can’t read it, for my eyes only.”

“Oh being possessive are we? Thought you said you two weren’t exclusive like that.” 

“Doesn’t mean I don’t love and adore her. I just can’t have her to myself right now,” Sukuna scoffs, pulling his shirt off now that he’s all hot and bothered. 

“Think she’s seeing other people?” Gojo asks. 

Sukuna shifts in discomfort at the thought. The images of you kissing his cock combined with the possibility of you getting fucked by someone else results in a whirlwind of emotions that he’s not sure how to process.

“I really hope not, but who am I to say? I don’t really wanna know honestly. Just want her to be there when I get out. I’d be okay never knowing. What about you?” 

“She better not be! Utahime better not bring my one year old daughter around other guys!” Gojo exclaims. “My daughter better never be around guys for that matter. Would you want your daughter hanging around pieces of shit like us?”

“Fuck no bro.”

Both guys laugh in response before Sukuna speaks again.

“Is she gonna bring the baby to see you?” 

“I told her not to until she’s older. While I’m dying to hold her, I don't want her coming to a place like this so young. It’s not right. It kills me to miss out on her firsts and knowing I left Utahime to be a single mom makes me feel like a disgrace. All I can do is make it up to her when I get out,” Gojo sighs, eyes getting glossy with tears. “What if your girl had gotten pregnant?”

Sukuna pauses before speaking. A part of him would love it. So full of something he made with you except for no one would know it’s his. People would see you pregnant and not realize you belong to him considering he’s locked away. Plus his baby being fatherless for a majority of their underage life is sickening. 

Then what? He randomly appears ten years later to a woman and child who don’t even know him? He’d be just another man to his child…a stranger. He swallows hard, trying to maintain his composure but he’s spiraling faster than he can keep up with. 

Lord knows he wanted that with you. He fell so fucking hard and now here he was thinking about you as his wife and making the cutest babies. His throat feels heavy at the sad realization that he might never have that with you.

“It probably would’ve been best if she didn’t keep it,” Sukuna says softly, not wanting an ounce of that even though it would have been the most logical decision. 

Fuck why did he feel like he was fighting a tsunami from breaking through his eyes? He turns away from Gojo to face the wall, the gravity of his situation starting to crush him all of a sudden. Not only did he have the luxury of continuing your relationship normally, but he might have missed out on you choosing to spend the rest of your life with him, a family together, growing old and watching your kids grow up. He’s never had thoughts like this before and of course the first time he does, it’s tearing him apart. 

Shouldn’t something like that be happy? Sure he had stupid relationships when he was younger but normally it was his girlfriends spouting such nonsense while he was just in it for a good time, never thinking long term. 

Not you though. A good time would surely have been a given, but he’d been excited to face the challenges of life together, learning and growing as one. Life’s normal challenges, not this fucked up series of events.

He feels a firm hand on his arm, lightly tugging him to roll over. His eyes are burning as he squints hard, trying to hold back everything threatening to spill over from his crimson gaze.

“Sukuna, look at me,” Gojo’s voice is soft but firm.

“Fuck off man.” Sukuna’s shaky voice tries to force out, but his whole body is shaking, heart pounding so hard he feels like it might burst.

“No, turn around. It’s okay. You think I’ve never been where you are? You’re panicking. I get it. Talk to me, you can only bottle up shit for so long in here.”

Sukuna finally surrenders, rolling back around to face his cellmate. 

“I just, I-I really loved her. So damn much. And I tried to push her away, albeit gently, when I got locked up. I wanted her to be able to live a normal life, but I don’t fuckin’ want that man. I never did, I wanted us to be together, I still do. But I feel so helpless, I have no control over our future, I feel like one day she’ll stop writing back, and then I’ll know she found someone else. Fuck I feel like such a loser for even saying this shit,” Sukuna starts to cry, wiping the tears from his eyes in this moment of weakness.

Gojo just listens, not chiming in, soft blue eyes full of empathy for his cellmate…no, his friend. The only real friend in here. He understands, prison can break a man and do things to your mind that you’d never think possible on the outside. Even the toughest criminals with a bloodied past have someone they care about, someone who loves them. Being without them during life’s most challenging time is a terrifying and trying time. 

“It’s okay man, how could you not feel this way? You’re a good guy, you don’t deserve to be in here. We all had dreams of how our life would go and how we wanted to be better, that’s why we are in a rehab facility and not maximum security. Watching what could have been slip through your fingers is horrifying. Have you thought about telling her how you really feel? If you really love her, you owe it to her to be honest. She still writes you all the time…”

You also try to schedule visitation but Sukuna declines them all. For what? He doesn’t even fucking know. He’d kill to feel you wrapped up in a massive hug, your body pressed against his, your scent in his nose as he buries his face in your neck. 

He thought it was incredibly selfish to want you to wait for him, but maybe what he’s doing is even worse. Trying to control and manipulate your feelings like this suddenly seems wrong, no better than your ex. You have free will to do what you want, and if waiting for him was what you choose, who is he to fight you on that? 

He feels like he’s going to pass out, breaking out into a cold sweat, breaths so shallow he can’t even tell if oxygen is getting to his lungs.

“Here, get on the floor, take your pants off so you’re just in your boxers,” Gojo says sternly, yanking Sukuna out of his bed onto his back.

The cold hard floor takes Sukuna by surprise, offering a distraction from his racing thoughts. He spreads his arms out, letting the chill touch every inch of his skin, staring up at the ceiling, eyes searching for something, anything. 

He swears he sees a heart. A lopsided one at that, but it’s there, even if it looks like it’s about to break. Kind of like him, all this time he’s been trying to break your heart, but the best he’s done is bend it and likely just confuse you. 

His however? 

He’s broken it without even knowing. 

He needs to talk to you. He can’t wait another two months to get a response. He’ll call you, hopefully you’ll pick up but he wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. He’s been forcing you to live life on his terms, withholding multiple lines of communication this whole time. 

The guilt is gnawing at his stomach, the acid boring a hole in his gut as he tries to keep himself from vomiting in disgust. 

“I fucked up Gojo. I really did.”

“I don’t think you’re as bad off as you think. She still writes to you, apparently sent you something sexual, and asks you questions about your life. She wouldn’t be doing that if she didn’t care. She just would stop. But fucking call her you piece of shit. Acting like the phone is your mortal enemy like a little bitch, quit being a pussy and man up,” Gojo says, only half teasing. 

As much as Sukuna wants to argue with Gojo, he knows he’s right. White haired fuck.

Fuck that guy. 

Now he’s nervous like a teenager to call you. How pathetic to be 24 years old and terrified to talk to a girl you said loved…to her face. 

9 months

My favorite tomato girl,

Great questions at the end. I played football, quarterback to be exact. Your cliche high school jock that thought he was way too cool. Also I think I’d have liked you in high school just fine, I wasn’t above being friends with anyone, maybe if I’d hung out with you I’d have had a better future cuz you know what’s not cool? Jail.

My favorite vacation? Probably African safari for my high school graduation. I got to choose anywhere for a trip and I chose that. Seems we have wanting to see animals in common, my favorites were the lions. Guess when I get out we will need to plan some animal themed vacations. Polar bears in Canada, manatees in Florida, whale sharks in Mexico, take your pick, I’ve got enough fucking cash to fund anything you want.

What did I want to be when I grow up? When I was really little I wanted to be a chef, then when I was older I wanted to do something with cars and also have my own business. As you know I love working on my own car so I wanted to mod people's cars for a living. And…well here I am. 

When I stare up at my ceiling, I see a heart.

Also sometimes a truck. I’ll need to lay in other parts of my cell to see if there is anything else, that’s just above my bed.

I’m glad I’m not gonna be a dad yet. I’d prefer to do that together when I’m out…so you aren’t doing it alone. Give it some thought and maybe one day we can try for one…if you’d want it to be with me that is. 

I don’t want to burden you with my feelings, but I’m not doing well. It’s like the realization that this is my life for the next ten years suddenly hit me the other day. You’re the only person I can talk to though outside of here, I hope you are willing to entertain these feelings of mine. 

My cellmate Gojo is decent at listening, he’s been in here a little longer than me so he gets it, it’s nice to feel not so alone in that regard. 

I’m sorry, I’m rambling, almost treating this like a diary I guess. I want to call you, but I’m really nervous for some reason. If you don’t want to talk to me I understand, you can just ignore the call, but I wanted to wait long enough for you to get this letter before I did. I didn’t want you to get it out of the blue. 

I miss you tremendously, I really hope you’ll answer.

You read the letter as you are about to walk out the door to go out. 

Out on a date. 

You wanted to take Sukuna up on his request for you to try to see other people. The man had very little in the way of freedom to do what he wanted, so the least you could do was honor his wishes.

Your heart sinks and you feel a shiver run down your spine. The letter has you concerned for him, his mental state seems to have declined rapidly if he wanted to call you, something he swore he’d never do. 

You leave the letter on your kitchen table, you’ll revisit it later. For now, your Uber is waiting outside your apartment and you don’t want to keep your date waiting.

Slipping into the backseat, you greet the driver and settle in, buckling the seatbelt and pulling your phone out. You begin to scroll social media but eventually stop, opting to stare out the window instead at the buildings whizzing by. 

It’s been nine months since you last saw Sukuna, since you last heard his voice. One letter every other month was all the contact you had, but it’s how he wanted things to be. If you had it your way, you’d have talked more often, but his boundaries were more stringent than yours. He had his reasons you suppose.

This would be your first date since Cam. You and Sukuna never truly went on a date. Maybe you could call eating dinner at his house one, even though it had ended badly. Fucking all night hardly constituted a date either, but you’d gotten to know each other slowly up until that point. It felt more natural than meeting someone on an app and going in blind like you were right now. 

A pang in your chest was starting to develop. This isn’t what you wanted, you didn’t want another man, but you wouldn’t know for sure unless you put yourself out there.

The car abruptly stops, signaling the end of your ride. Thanking the driver, you get out and turn towards the trendy looking bar where you were meeting. 

Just go in there, the worst that can happen is you aren’t having a good time and you can just leave. You don’t even know the man, dating app meetups end this way all the time.

You swallow hard one last time and head inside, eyes darting around the room looking  for the guy you were meeting. Finally your eyes lock onto the familiar face you recognize from his profile. 

He stands up, smiling at you and waving you over. The first thing you notice is that he’s tall and muscular. The pictures kind of hinted at that, but in person it’s even more obvious.

“Nanami right?” you say nervously as you approach, holding out your hand to shake his. His handshake is firm but gentle, dress shirt cuffed up at his forearms which flex as he grips your hand.

“Yep, so glad you could meet today. I just got off work, how about you?” his voice is low but confident as he pulls your chair out for you.

Wow, what a gentleman. 

“I was in the lab most of today. I’m doing the last touches on my research before I really dive into my thesis,” you respond, scooting your chair in as he takes his seat opposite of you. 

“You said you should be graduating in a few months right?” Nanami says as he leans his elbows on the table, paying close attention to you. 

“Yes! Then it’s off to find a job,” you laugh, trying to settle into the small talk. The pit in your stomach is still gnawing at your insides as you attempt to relax. Maybe a drink will help settle you out. 

You order a simple gin and tonic while Nanami opts for a beer. Thankfully your drink is strong which should hopefully give you a quick buzz and calm your nerves. 

“So you’re in finance?” you ask, trying to keep the conversation flowing.

“Yep, investment banking. Not the most exciting job in the world, and I don’t like it enough for all the hours I work,” he glances down at the table while speaking, fingers trembling lightly against his glass.

Maybe he’s a little nervous too. You give him an encouraging smile in response.

“I’m sorry if it seems like I’m nervous,” you begin, “I haven’t dated in almost a year since I broke up with my ex. Then some stuff happened in my personal life, so I’m kind of testing the waters so to speak.”

That’s a generous way to put it, you think to yourself. Do you even mention Sukuna? Your boyfriend of a grand twelve hours that technically never broke up with you but told you to see other people? Who you won’t see again for a decade? 

Your throat feels heavy at the thought. Trying to push the feeling away, you take a big sip of your drink. 

“That’s okay. I haven’t dated since college two years ago. My job has been so demanding, I’ve never felt like I could devote time to a relationship,” Nanami says, sympathy in his eyes. “We can just take this slow, no pressure.”

The relief you should feel from his words doesn’t come, if anything you just feel guilty. You don’t want to lead the man on and you also feel disingenuous about keeping Sukuna a secret. Which in itself also seems disrespectful to Sukuna. 

What in the world have you gotten yourself into?

You try to remember what you told yourself earlier. Just see where it goes. 

“Thank you Nanami, I’d like that. Let’s just have fun and see where this goes,” you answer with a smile and another big sip of your drink.

Your hypothesis was correct in that the more you drank, the easier the conversation flowed and soon you both were bantering and laughing about your shared grievances with college and the working world. Nanami was a smart, well educated man who could hold an intelligent conversation which was right up your alley.

After a few shared appetizers and two more drinks, the bar was starting to fill up with the late night crowd. Nanami was very adamant about getting a good night's sleep before work, as were you, so he paid the bill and led you outside.

“Wanna come hang out at my place? Still have a few more hours before I should go to bed,” he asks, resting his hand on the small of your back. 

His heavy touch sent sparks through your body, warming your skin in the evening chill. You really enjoyed his company. Plus he was hot and respectful, a man of such tasteful flirting that wasn’t too over the top but made you feel comfortable and desired.

“Is this you asking me what I think you’re asking?” you give him a small grin, moving closer to him as his hand pressed you forward.

“Maybe. Like I said though, no pressure. I’ve just found your company to be enjoyable enough that I’m not really wanting the night to end just yet. I’ll be happy with whatever we decide to do after this,” he says with a kind smile. 

Fuck, why was he so nice? It’s not like you were complaining, but it really gave you no good reason to say no. You hadn’t planned on hooking up with someone tonight, but fuck it, you were really starting to lean that way. 

You missed feeling intimate and cared for by someone. The feeling of someone pleasuring you and feeling their skin on yours was a distant memory. Technically it had been years because lord knows Cam didn’t give you that feeling and Sukuna was essentially a one night stand given what transpired. 

You stand up on your toes, pull Nanami down by his loosened tie, and plant a soft kiss on his lips. His strong arms move to wrap around your back, hands not venturing any lower than your hips as he pulls you closer, swiping his tongue across your bottom lip. You part your lips, letting his tongue entwine with yours in a calm and slow dance. 

Fuck, you wanted to have sex with the man. He felt safe and respectful, which is what you needed right now. It wasn’t even about the emotional connection, you needed something physical. 

Making out on the sidewalk leads to straddling him on his couch in a high rise apartment, his hot breath on your neck as you ground yourself against his lap. 

Your eyes flicker open as the image of Sukuna pops into your head. The first time you’d ever kissed him was in a similar position on his couch, except you’d panicked and stopped, feeling like you were being unfaithful. 

Why did it feel like you were about to be again? He’d given you permission to do this, and you weren’t even sure if he actually wanted you after trying to push you away and denying everything you countered with. You’d never felt like you had physical needs before, but after that night with Sukuna, you were desperate to feel something similar again. Someone worshipping your body and focusing on pleasing you. 

“Wait,” you force out, briefly pulling away from Nanami.

“Is everything alright?” he stops immediately, hands hovering behind your back. 

“Yes, but I just want to be honest with my intentions,” you say with a shaky voice.

“Here, sit next to me,” Nanami guides you towards the spot next to him on the couch, eyes softly looking into yours as he waits for you to continue. 

“I, um, it’s complicated. Fuck, I’m sorry,” you shake your head trying to compose yourself. 

“Hey, we can stop if you want…” Nanami says, studying you carefully.

“I-I don’t know. It’s just, almost a year ago I met a guy. I loved him, I saw a future with him. But something bad happened and he’s, well, he’s in jail now. For ten years. We made it official and then twelve hours later, bam! Arrested. He didn’t want me to wait for him, so I’m trying to honor his wishes…” you start to spill everything while Nanami just listens, not interrupting. Your face heats up in embarrassment as you spew all of this at a stranger.

“I just feel guilty for enjoying this with you. And I wouldn’t want this to have any emotional meaning, just sex. Because I love him, and I don’t think I’ll ever love you, or anyone else right now. But I feel like I should at least try. And you seem so kind and respectful, but I don’t want you to feel used or taken advantage of,” you say, looking back at him. You have no idea what kind of response you are going to get, putting yourself in his shoes you can’t imagine what you’d say. Holy baggage.

“Wow, that’s a lot. Are you okay? Not just physically, but in general?” Nanami asks, the sympathy in his eyes is apparent. 

“I’m as okay as I can be,” you respond. “It’s been almost a year so I’ve kinda accepted it.” 

“I see. Well I’m sorry that happened to you, that must be so incredibly hard. I can’t imagine being in that situation and I bet there’s only a very small population of people who could truly understand what you are going through. If it’s just sex you want, I can respect that, and I won’t judge you. Truthfully, I’m not looking for anything serious either right now. I can assure you I won’t try to take you from him or sway your feelings if all you are looking for is some physical relief. But maybe you should take a bit to see if this is what you really want. I’m not sure what it’s like communicating with someone inside prison, but maybe talk to him, and if he’s okay with it, we can try again,” Nanami says, clasping your hands between his and pulling them to his lips. 

Tears begin to prick at your eyes as you absorb his words. This guy was so caring and you’d only known him for a few hours.

“I’m so sorry, this can’t be what you had in mind for tonight,” you chuckle as you wipe your eyes repeatedly. 

“I still had a good time regardless and worst case, I met a nice person who I could see being friends with. Life happens,” Nanami smiles, rubbing your back before going to fetch your coat from the closet.

Sukuna said he would call you in the letter you left at home. You’ll ask him one more time what he wants, and if he gives you some bullshit answer, then you’ll go back to Nanami. 

An hour later you are home, more confused than ever. Thank god Nanami was a good man, you both knew you would regret going further and decided to pause everything. You take Sukuna’s letter to your room and read it again. This time you realized your fists were clenched around the paper, wrinkling it from the way your fingertips twisted the delicate material. 

You were pissed. You’d been nothing but honest with Sukuna that last day, seeing him in person about wanting to stay loyal to him, but he couldn’t grant you the same. Instead he seemed to be dancing around the topic which resulted in this train wreck of a night. If he were here right now you’d slap the tattoos right off his jawline and demand him tell you how he really felt. 

It’s the least he could do, he wasn’t the only one with a mental state on the decline. 

10 months

“This is a collect call from an inmate at the Southeastern Regional Jail, press 7 to accept.” 

At 9AM you received a call from an unknown number and you were shocked to hear this. 

You sat there staring at first, unsure if you wanted to answer. All your pent up anger from the other night suddenly evaporated and fear was the only thing left. 

The prompt played 2 more times before you finally smashed the 7 button.

“Hello?” 

“Oh thank god you picked up,” Sukuna’s voice answers on the other line. Your breath hitches as his deep tone reverberates through your ear. You exhale loudly, not realizing you were holding your breath. Briefly you mute the phone as you try to control your breathing, trying to take deep breaths and calm yourself.

“Are you there? Hello?” Sukuna says your name almost frantically while you are trying to regain your composure.

“I’m here, sorry, I just can’t believe it’s really you. I haven’t heard your voice in so long,” your voice cracks as you hold back a sob. This is all you’ve wanted this entire time, not realizing finally hearing him would affect you this way.

“It’s okay. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry too. That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about,” he continues, sighing audibly. 

“Well I have an earful to give you as well Sukuna, but why don’t you go first.”

“What? Why am I getting an earful?!” his whiny voice responds with a tinge of fear. 

You just sit silently for now, taking everything in you to not just explode at him.

“I know I deserve it, I just didn’t know you felt so strongly and it makes me feel worse,” he continues.

“Enough of the cryptic shit Sukuna, I have no idea what you are talking about,” you start crying.

“Okay okay, I’m here. Please just say what you need to say,” Sukuna’s voice deepens as if he’s trying to contain his emotions now.

“Do you want to be with me Sukuna? Like, actually want to be committed to each other? Only each other? And don’t give me any of this bullshit like ‘yes I do, but blah blah’. It’s yes or no. Enough beating around the bush,” you say sternly.

“Fuck you’re scaring me, where is this coming from?” he pauses before speaking. 

“I went out with another guy the other night and started to have sex with him, Sukuna. That’s what this is about, this is what it’s come to.”

“Shit…ahhh shit! Fuck!” Sukuna curses before going totally silent. Everything in you wants to apologize but you hold your ground. You refuse to apologize for this. 

“Wh-wh-what do you mean started to? What does that mean? Oh god I don’t know what to say…” his voice stutters and cracks, registering the pain in his words. 

“I told you point blank at the prison that I wanted to be loyal to you, but you shut me down and left it ambiguous. You told me you didn’t want me to wait for you, you told me you wanted me to try and move on, to see other people. So I tried Sukuna. I tried the other day. But we stopped because I still love you. How can I fuck someone else when you’re all I want?” you start crying, forcing out the words as best you can. “Y-you seem like you don’t want that with me though. You don’t want to talk to me, don’t want to see me, made it seem like you didn’t care if I strayed from you. So I’ll ask you again, do you actually want to be with me?” you say through a combination of sobs and hiccups.

“Oh my god, yes! That’s why I called you!” his pitch is higher as his voice cracks again. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Fuck! The truth is I don’t want you to be with anyone else! I’m sorry I wasn’t honest. I want to be together, I want to be loyal to each other. God willing you do too, but I don’t blame you if you don’t want that. 

“Listen, I - ah - fucked up. Real bad. I don’t know why I wasn’t honest back then, it was shitty of me. I don’t hold it against you for going out with someone and going however far you did, I don’t wanna know specifics so please don’t tell me. It is what it is. I never meant to put you in this position, I thought I was doing the right thing, but I realized I wasn’t and I love you more than anything. It was manipulative, I didn’t give you a direct answer and because of that, you had no agency in this, and that’s not okay.” he says through sniffles as his voice gets harsh with emotion. 

“Then why did you say those things?” you say through choked back tears.

He sighs again and you can hear him crying in the background before trying to speak again.

“I just felt so guilty. Felt like a shitty man to put you in this situation after promising you the fucking world. I didn’t want you to feel trapped, but I didn’t even listen to how you felt. It was selfish. I understand if you hate me-“

“You’re right I do fucking hate you,” you interupt him. “If I could pull you down by your stupid pink hair and slap your stupid jaw tattoos around and knock some sense into you I would. 

“I hate that you made me fall in love with you, that you’re the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to sleep. I hate when I wake up and you weren’t in my dreams, the one place where you and I can actually feel real right now because you refuse to fucking interact with me. I hate that I need to wait for you. I waited my whole life to find you and now I need to wait even longer,” you ramble on, crying into your pillow and twisting your nails into your sheets. 

“I hate that I can’t hear your laugh, can’t see your stupid goofy smile, can’t feel your soft touch. Fuck Sukuna I hate all of this. But I hate the thought of anyone else even more, so your godforsaken ass is worth the wait. I’ve already done it once,” you say with a humorless laugh, mouth dry and scratchy, eyes burning as you pour everything out into the open, holding your breath as you wait for his response. 

He’s silent and unresponsive. Fearing the call dropped, you were about to lose it if he didn’t hear anything you said. 

“Hello?” 

“I’m here sweetheart. You really mean all that?”

“What the fuck, of course I did. Boy I swear I would beat your ass if you were here, dense ass motherfucking-”

“I’m sure you didn’t mean that to be romantic at all, but I’m at a loss for words,” he interrupts with a chuckle. What you don’t know is now he’s leaning against the concrete prison wall, biting his tongue and looking all giddy as he tries to replay everything you just said over and over in his mind. 

“You think this is funny?” you lash out again. Holy shit this man is testing your patience.

“Kinda yeah. I’m just such a fucking idiot, I’m laughing at my asinine behaviour. I’m so relieved though to hear you say those things. You really love me huh?” he says and you are sure he’s fighting back the biggest grin.

“You’re smiling right now aren’t you?” you say more calmly than before. 

“Yup, got a big ole smirk on my face. And crying. You make me happy. It’s happy tears.”

“You make me happy too. And insane. But also insanely happy, even from a concrete cell,” you feel a laugh escape your lips. 

“Fuck, wish I could scoop you up and fucking break your little bones from hugging you so hard,” his voice is more husky and even now.

“Um ouch? A little violent don’t you think?” 

“I don’t mean it literally. Just that I wish I could be close to you. It’ll be worth it though. One day.” 

“Yes it will. Can you actually call me from now on? Also what’s this about wanting to try for a baby when you get out? When did I ever say I wanted one?” you blurt out, remembering that insane part of his last letter.

“Yes I will call. I can’t call often, maybe once a week at most. It’s pricey and I wanna have money left for me when I get out…well for us. 

“And yeah, about that. See my cellmate got his girl pregnant right before he got put in here and he got me all paranoid since I busted in you about six times that night. But then I was like well if we are mid to late thirties when I get out, better get to it since time isn’t on our side”

You burst out laughing but feel your heart swell at his words picturing little pink haired terrors running around his house. 

“Well you need to get your degrees and trades or whatever in order. I’m not footing the bill for all of us because for some reason I don’t see you being able to keep your hands off of me to stop at just one,” you tease.

“Oh please, don’t act all high and mighty. I saw you that night, begging to take every last drop-“

“Oh my god can people hear you?!” you squeal, interrupting him.

“Um, darling it’s a bunch of dudes locked up in here with no females to be found. You just get used to being shameless after a while. Like when we are done here I’m gonna go tell Gojo to look the other way while I jerk off.”

You practically choke on your own saliva. What the actual fuck?

“Uh, wow, okay. That’s pretty wild Sukuna not gonna lie.”

“I do the same for him after he’s talked to his girl. He owes me, horny little fuck,” Sukuna scoffs. 

“Oh, the call is gonna end in a few minutes. I’ll try to call you every other week on Saturdays around this same time. Sound good?” Sukuna changes the topic as the warning sound chimes over the phone.

“That sounds good. Keep writing too. I like it, it’s special and I look forward to it,” you respond, feeling the weight that was heavy on your heart start to feel a little lighter.

“Of course I will. Anything for you. I love you. So so soooooo muuuuuch,” he says in that whiny voice of his that just makes you smile and shake your head. He’s your whiny Kuna though and you love it. 

“I love you too Kuna, talk to you later.”

The call ends and the tears come again. Except this time they’re tears of joy. Relief. Filled with hope for what’s to come. Almost a year down with so much more to go, but at least now you know where you stand. Plus now you have calls to look forward to as you inch your way closer to being reunited. 

<< Chapter 3 | Chapter 5 >>

Masterlist

taglist: @clp-84 @zeunys @aquaberrydolphin @nynxtea @yuujispinkhair @ssc7514 @sukubusss @scorpiosugar @kiixonmm @xlilycoco

[seungfl0wer]

*Changbin Calling You Clingy*

Pairing: Changbin x Reader (GN)

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Mentions of blood, Arguing, not proofread. Should be all actually

-This is part of a series find the others here:

Bangchan, Minho, Changbin, Hyunjin, Han, Felix, Seungmin, Jeongin

-🩵

Today was a cleaning day for you, you were scrubbing everything trying to get things clean. Your boyfriend’s parents were stopping by for dinner and you wanted the house to be spotless. Changbin was sitting at the dinning room table talking on the phone with someone as you gutted the house. You swept the floors, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the fridge and now you were mopping the floors.

You had stopped doing so though because you needed more soap which was at the top of the shelf. You tried reaching it but you just ended up pushing it further back. You sighed “hey babe can you help me?” You say feeling defeated. You got no response. You ask again this time a bit louder “babe! I really need your help can you come here?” Ignored. Again.

You rolled your eyes “Changbin I know you can hear me!” You huffed looking for a sturdy chair just to grab it yourself “y/n I’m on the damn phone!” He said back his tone harsh. “Can’t you just help me for one second?” You ask peering around the corner to look at him. “Are you for real right now? Get a chair or something this is a work related call I can’t just get off it. Stop being so needy and clingy be an adult. You’re so damn dependent on me!” His words spewed out like hot liquid burning you slowly.

He sighs seeing the tears in your eyes “I’m sorry I didn’t mean that, everything just happening today- please just give me a minute and I’ll help you.” He said his words becoming more soft. You wiped your eyes and walked away without saying anything. “Fine. If he doesn’t wanna help and be a dick, I’ll do it myself” you said as you grabbed a chair. You got up on it to grab the bottle, as you put your foot down off the chair you ended up slipping from the floor being wet.

You ended up hitting the floor pretty good no time to react or put your hands down. You ended up face planting making your head smack against the ground and twisting your ankle. Your nose was also now gushing blood along with your lip, you grabbed a tissue to try and stop it wanting to yell for changbin again but stopping yourself not wanting to piss him off more.

You sat on the floor trying to help yourself before getting up and painfully strolling to the bathroom. Your ankle was swollen by the time you sat down on the tubs edge. You grabbed the first aid kit you keep under the sink to try and find something to clean the wound better. Changbin at some point had come to help you finally but not finding you there. He kinda just shrugged and went back to the cleaning he started before the call.

You got yourself all pulled together or at least you tried to before you hear changbin sprinting down the hall calling for you “y/n! Babe where are you!” He said running past the bathroom before coming back seeing you sitting there “babe oh my god! What happened I saw the blood are you ok?” He asked coming towards you “I’m fine Changbin.” You said coldly. You slowly got up as you limped past him “you don’t look fine you look like you’re in pain.” He said softly “Wouldn’t wanna bother you with it, might sound clingy or something.” You said using his words against him.

His eyes widen a bit “y/n I said I was sorry” he said reaching out to hold onto you “please let me help-“ he said before you cut him off moving away from his touch “no. I don’t need your help. I’m an adult I’m fine.” You said eyes glaring at him as you walked back to the spot you had fallen. You cleaned up the drops of blood and finished cleaning. The house was quiet, Bin wanted to say something wanted to help you but each time he even looked your way you shot him a look.

His parents came and went both of you trying not to let them feel the tension. After they had gone you started to clean up from dinner. “Babe I’ll do this you go sit down ok?” He said putting the dishes in the sink “no I’m fine” you breathed out. You finished cleaning and headed to the bedroom as you did you became a bit dizzy you grabbed ahold of the wall to steady yourself. Bin had noticed you in the door way, he walked towards you putting his arm around your waist. “I just have a headache.” You said pulling away from him before he walking into the bedroom.

You fell asleep almost instantly as you hit the bed, changbin on the other hand curled up on the couch and cried himself to sleep. He felt like a big piece of shit abuser. He knows he didn’t hit you however seeing your lip swollen because he didn’t help you made him feel so. And raising his voice at you? He’s never done that, the words he said were just words of anger words he never meant.

You woke up from a bad dream in the middle of the night looking around for bin to hold on to. You started to cry a bit seeing he wasn’t there with you. He had heard you rustling around and was making his way back to check on you before he heard you crying. “Y/n?” He said softly opening the bedroom door. He saw you sitting there half asleep crying your eyes out talking to yourself “why do I have to be so stupid I can’t even do small things by myself without fucking hurting myself. God I’m so stupid” you said crying even harder.

Bin was about to run to you before you choked out “he’s right all I am is clingy and I can’t even do anything for myself, why the fuck is he even with me? I bet he just pity’s me.” His eyes started to water feeling the familiar feeling of earlier cry. He didn’t say anything he just came into the room quickly grabbing you pulling you into his lap. “Y/n hey” he shushed you as he patted you back trying to sooth you. “Babe I love you I’m not with you out of pity. There’s so much you do and so much so just love about you. I’m so fucking sorry for what I said earlier.” He rambled.

“I didn’t mean those things I was frustrated and just wanted you to leave me alone while I was talking so I hurt you. I’m sorry. I know sorry doesn’t fix what I said but I’m sorry.” He said leaning his head into your chest. You couldn’t muster up any words as you cried feeling yourself falling back asleep. Bin smiled to himself a bit as he saw that you had fallen asleep. He laid you down before laying down beside you.

“Y/n I love you and I promise I’ll make everything up to you. You’re not clingy I love how you are..” his voice trailed off “please don’t let this change you. I couldn’t live with myself if i made you change anything about your amazing self.” He said rubbing your back feeling himself ready to fall asleep. “I love you with all my heart y/n I’ll fix this I swear.” He said as he fell asleep with you.

💙 If you’d like to read more of my stuff you can find it Here: Master List . Thank you for reading and if requests are open or you just wanna talk feel free to send me something🩵

[ethanrayne]

80s dad!stan idea?

so i've seen... a couple different AUs where Dipper and Mabel are Stan's kids, but most of them set it up in such a way that the twins grow up in Gravity Falls, and while that's a very fun vibe, I think they would be very different as people with the specific and deeply strange environment of Gravity Falls around them at an early age, and also I really like the idea of an AU that preserves the vibe of wonder and mystery of it being their first summer in town... and the first time they're really interacting with Stan. But, of course, Stan is all about family, so the only way to do that is for him not to know about them until recently.

Enter: Carla McCorkle, Stan's high school girlfriend. What little we know about her is that she loves music & dancing, that the two times we've seen her she's been dressed in bright colors (colors, btw, that we've also seen on Mabel, usually), and that she dumped Stan for Thistle Downe, a hippie who Stan was convinced (possibly erroneously) used music to manipulate her. We don't know when that was, other than presumably before Stan got kicked out (though there's some solid angst potential in it being after that, it doesn't work for what I'm cooking here), but we know that the time between Stan being kicked out and the Portal Incident is "over ten years" and "ten years" depending on which lines you take as most accurate- but most timelines for the show that I've seen put it closer to 13 years.

So it goes like this-

Carla, barely 18, pregnant with her ex's kid- maybe not actually sure the kid is Stan's and not Thistle's at this point, but she has some suspicions- hears that Stan got kicked out, that he's left the state, and decides she's absolutely not telling anybody that this might be his kid, because she's sure as shit not gonna let Stan's family near her kid- sure, Stan's a bit of a wildcard, a little hot-tempered (what was he thinking, with that stunt he pulled with Thistle's car), but he's got a good heart, and she knows his dad's a hardass, there's no way Stan deserved whatever happened there, which means there's no way his family can be trusted to treat her baby decent. (Well, maybe Stanford, she always thought he was nice- a bit odd and a bit awkward, but Stan adored his twin, so Carla figured he must be more fun when he's not trying way too hard to be polite to his brother's girlfriend about how much he'd rather be studying than talking to her. At the very least, she'd consider trusting him with this in an emergency, but she doesn't expect to need to.)

Carla, over a decade later, having a bit of a rough time and neck deep in an increasingly deteriorating marriage to and probable divorce from Thistle (to keep the twins' parents-are-divorcing angst subtext), gets a call from a cousin back home (one of the only people other than Carla and Thistle that knows exactly who the twins' dad is- the twins know it's not Thistle, but not any details beyond that, and they're curious but haven't found anything out yet. For context, I'm thinking Thistle has raised them but is a very distant and disinterested stepdad, he's very much just the guy who was there, barely willingly) telling her to check the obituaries and (for crying out loud Carla) figure out how to tell the kids, because Stanley Pines' funeral is next week.

Carla does not tell the kids (yet). Carla, being a sensible and relatively compassionate woman, sees that the contact info regarding the funeral in the obit is for Stanford Pines and immediately calls to check on him. (It's not irrational, and she's not thinking about how if she'd said something sooner, things might be different, and it definitely isn't anything to do with the tight feeling in her chest right now- and Carla is maybe just as good at lying to herself as any Pines is because she believes all of those until he answers the phone. She knows that voice- it's sharper, deeper, rougher, but she knows the sound of him, and Stanford never sounded like that, which means.... something. Mostly, it means there's still time.

"Why are you holding your own funeral?" she asks, in response to the gruff hello he'd answered the phone with.

"Who is this?" he snaps back, sounding... nervous?

"Carla. Calling to offer her condolences to her ex's brother, who must be going through a hard time right now, after his twin died, except apparently you're right there, Stanley, so answer the damn question."

"....shit.")

....the problem is this is where I can't bridge the gap between the angsty bit and the bit where the kids stay with Stan for a while, but somehow they end up there for the summer, and much of the plot of the series plays out similarly, just in the early 80s instead.

(also possibly Stan and Carla end up back together because I'm a sap and also because, let's face it, Mabel would play matchmaker.)

[u-n-k-n-o-w-n-n]

So I believe many of of us have heard of Danny Todd. Jason's older brother we don't really know much about other than the fact he died in a gun fight.

I believe many in the DC X DP Fandom have seen a post or another about that being Danny Phantom before or after reborn of some kind but....

What if for Danny he was supposed to be taking a vacation? (whether it from ghost king or just genral Phantom stuff before or long after his loved ones died and presumably became ghosts is up to interpretation maybe it's even a classic reveal gone wrong visection if you want some more angst)

But the point is Danny is reborn into some of the worse parts of Gotham (possibly before the bat even premiers depending on timeline and how big you want the age gap with him and Jason) but he's born is the rough parts of town maybe he has memories, maybe not, maybe it's all kinda blurry but let's go with fir now he has his memories or he gets them back early in life and he was again not delt the best hand when it came to parents and there is no Jazz to take care of him this time but when he gets a baby brother of his own he realizes why Jazz was the way she was (not that he would ever admit that out loud) and has put himself on the path to be Jason's Jazz his caretaker when his parents wouldn't take that role but it's not easy to get money as a kid from crime ally and in order to put food on the table for Jason he ends up in some bad situations and dies and for this body he doesn't not die or become a half he just dies becomes a ghost but either because he Dosen't want to admit to his family he died young again or he's to attached to Jason he doesn't move on to the infinite realms he just attaches himself to his little brothers side and tries to help any way he can and that some ends up with the normal addition with Bruce and if this fobin seems harder to shoot or bruise than the other one that's Danny's buisness.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Maybe Danny saves Jason from death? Maybe he still dies and chills as a ghost with his brother haunting Bruce till he's revived? Maybe Danny is able to reveal himself when there's some supernatural in Gotham? Maybe this lasts as normal for Jason until after utrh he's forced to do like a magic check up with the jld because batman is paranoid about Jason's heath and the jld is like : Did you know you have this super powerful ghost falling you? And possibly visibilitying Danny and cueing emotions.

I can't decide so I'm sending this to the tumblr. You have explicit permission to use anything in this post just send me the link because I want to read that.

[amerricanartwork]

RW Headcanon: How Arti Gives Back

In the RW community on this site, I’ve heard quite a few Artimand thoughts about how Gourmand would help Artificer heal from her trauma and grief. And while that’s all good, something that’s continuously puzzled me when shipping Artimand romantically is, “but how would Artificer help Gourmand?”

Let me tell you, one of my all-time favorite qualities in a ship is the characters helping each other improve themselves, especially in ways no other character pairing can. And while it’s easy to see Gourmand helping Artificer improve, given the vast amount of grief and lust for vengeance she has to overcome, and since Gourmand probably has a natural inclination to help others in need, what would she give to him in return? And to add to that, why would Gourmand fall in love with her and choose her as a mate, as opposed to just casually looking out for her and straight pitying her at worst, especially when she’d most-likely appear very un-qualified for romance initially?

Well, I’ve developed some thoughts and headcanons for that, and I’ll put them below the cut! Please let me know if anything could be improved, or if you can add to it! I’d love more reasons to think of these two sweethearts!

Option 1: Combat

Arti would help Gourmand improve his combat skills. The way I see it, Gourmand is a very strong warrior, but doesn’t often engage in combat simply because he doesn’t see a need for it outside of defense. Even then, due to his kind nature, he typically only fights back enough to deter predators, not kill them. However, with Arti being a carnivore, and having LOTS of experience with more complex combat situations than just defense (mostly from scav encounters), I like to think that Arti would give Gourm more combat tips and they may even end up bonding on occasional hunting trips together. And it would circle back to Arti because Gourm, with his cooking skills, would make the resulting meals from their hunts taste SO much better than what Arti is used to, allowing her to slow down and really enjoy food in a way she hasn’t been able to with her warrior lifestyle!

Option 2: Motherhood

This one’s pretty self-explanatory. Given Arti was a mother once, and Gourmand’s story ends with him getting 2 pups, I could easily see him wanting Arti to stay around to act as a mother for them. Not only would that give her the chance to embrace motherhood again, but it would take some pressure from Gourmand because he has a partner (and an experienced one at that) to help him with parenting! I mean, don’t get me wrong, Gourmand is undoubtedly great with pups, but even so it’s good to have some help! Even more so since (depending on what general age you headcanon the pups as) he’d likely have to leave his pups alone while getting food; it’d be nice to have someone with her own experience caring for pups who can look after them during those times and, to add onto the first option, even help teach them how to hunt and survive on their own!

And heck, I personally actually like to imagine that, a little later, after she gets comfortable enough and fully overcomes her grief, Artificer would actually have a second litter with Gourmand (naratively-speaking, this would signify the completion of her character arc)! Of course it’d be a big deal for Arti, but just imagine how much fun Gourm would have exploring the new experience of getting to raise biological pups this time! And I can just see him being so, so thankful that Arti somehow managed to give him even more family to love!

Option 3: Passion

So this one’s the most personal-headcanon-based, and built off my personal depiction of Gourmand as a character. In my headcanon, Gourmand starts out as a rather reluctant leader of his colony. I have this whole idea of what specific event led to him becoming the leader, but to summarize, it seemed like a very sudden chance event at the time, yet from it he was more-or-less unanimously chosen to lead by the other Outer Expanse slugcats due to him having shown great creativity, survival skills, and protectiveness. Gourmand himself, however, doesn’t really feel he’s fit to be a leader; he’s used to an easygoing life just peacefully surviving and doing his own thing, not managing and defending an entire colony! He’s so used to seeing the simple parts of the world that he often underestimates himself, so something as “grand” as leadership often appears too great for him.

That’s where Arti comes in. I like to imagine that Artificer is extremely passionate, but that for a long time after her pups’ deaths, that passion was manifested almost exclusively as immense rage, grief, and desire for revenge against their killers. But imagine if, once she gets comfortable with Gourmand’s colony, she begins to show that passion in positive emotions! Not only would she, after seeing what he’s capable of in hunts, help him see that he IS the perfect leader for his colony, but just IMAGINE: Arti hyping Gourm up as the biggest, strongest warrior in the Expanse, just before the two prepare to take down a king vulture; or Arti patching him up after a really tough battle and assuring him he’ll be even better next time; or Arti teasing Gourm and them chasing each other around as they spar together in the OE fields; or Arti getting all dramatic as she recites tales of her epic scavenger battles to his eager pups; or Arti showering Gourm with kisses after he makes a REALLY good meal with her favorite meats!  There are SO many possibilities for hypeman Arti, and I figure that, once Gourm sees her fiery spirit used in a positive way, especially to help him and his family, he can’t help but fall for her! And this idea is part of why I like the Spicybun ship name so much - while Gourmand helps Arti mellow out, Arti literally spices up his life! They just compliment each other so perfectly!!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

MAN do I love these two so much! This is about all I have right now on this subject, but again, I’d LOVE to hear any other ideas for how Artificer would help Gourmand, or additions to these ideas! I just adore the “opposites attract” ship trope (although I personally prefer to call it “inverses attract”), and I think Artimand is easily one of the best examples of that in Rain World! 

Thank you to anyone who made it to the end of this wall of text! And let me know if I should share any more Rain World headcanons, because I’ve definitely got more!

Oh, and if you've found this, @melissa-titanium, hope you like it again! Let me know if you ever want me to stop @-ing you with these Artimand headcanons, by the way!

[jesncin]

Hello, I had a question. When it comes to who is the "true Kal El" some pieces of media lean towards Clark being his true self, while others lean more towards Superman being his true self. I was wondering what your preferred version of Kal's "true self" is. Personally, I prefer a mix, where both are true, but both involve a little pretending too (depending on who he's around).

Generally I think convos that focus on "Is Clark Kent or Kal-El the truer self" are trying to fit Superman into a Batman mold where that simply isn't the case for Superman's themes. Since Superman is an allegorical immigrant, I see the Kal-El name (therefore original personhood) as his cultural name and the Clark Kent name (therefore adopted cultural personhood) as the assimilated-into-America name. Let's focus in on the meaning of names to talk about "true self". If we compare this to the diaspora experience, we'd recognize that having multiple names is more complicated than just "which one is the real me".

Clark grew up with the name "Clark Kent" for most of his life, it's a name given to him by people who love him and had no clue where he really came from. Kal-El is a name given by his birth parents, but he barely remembers them from being sent away as a baby. It makes sense that even though he grew up with "Clark Kent" as his name, that he'd feel attachment to "Kal-El". It's all that's left of a nearly extinct culture. So much like how you'll meet migrants with multiple names, they can have complicated feelings about both names. Maybe they'll only use one of their names around family, maybe only some trusted few get to learn about it, maybe some are embarrassed by their given names.

In terms of persohood, perhaps there's a level of code-switching involved where you feel more comfortable presenting a side of yourself to people of your community. I notice J'onn tends to call Clark "Kal-El" most of the time. It's that alien solidarity.

When asking "which is the truer self, Clark or Kal" it's like asking which of Superman's parents are his "true" parents. His birth parents or his adopted ones? They're both important to him, so they're both true.

[boylied]

Animorphs Reread- The Message

I've been sick all week, but Cassie is here to heal me. Let's get into it.

These early books all do a great job of showing us what the kids would prioritize their powers for without the war. Rachel and Tobias become ecoterrorists. And Cassie investigates what's been eating her animals.

Also the first sign of Cassie having Magical Powers.

I don't know how much time has passed since book 3, but i love that Cassie and Tobias are all jokes now about him eating live rodents.

"I would be glad to give him a picture of me in a dress or something" -GIRL PLEASE

I know that the group (esp Rachel) can get antagonistic with Marco, but we have to give it to him here. He didn't get overly defensive or combative. He knows why they're acting this way towards him. And he just comes out and reassures them that he's on their side.

And the yeerks begin to suspect that the "Andalite Bandits" might actually be humans. I forgot that it was brought up this early in the series. Because these kids were thoughtful, but early on they really weren't as careful as they should have been. Truly the only reason their secret went on for so long was that no one was brave enough to tell Visser 3 he might be wrong.

As a kid I always had more of a crush on Marco. But the way Cassie talks about Jake? I get it girl. 13 year olds are swooning.

Wait. This farm has been in your family since the Civil War? Putting aside the theory that these kids are somewhere in California (not canon. i get it). You're telling me that this Farm has been in Cassie's African American family since the American CIVIL WAR??? Sure, Let's not explain further.

Cassie's book is also the first time we get the dialogue over the ethics of morphing. I understand some of the hate Cassie gets, but honestly, when people complain about her always talking ethics? Get over it. It's a good thing. These are middle schoolers. The fact that they're having discussions over the ethics of taking animal dna, cloning that animal, and then mind controlling it? And then the variances depending on which animal/their intelligence level/asking consent? We should want our kids talking about this kind of thing.

"We can all morph fine" -oh the humility. a humble queen. but no Cassie. You are an artist sculpting a beautiful pot, and the others are kindergarteners smashing clay into makeshift ashtrays that their parents won't use.

It's bittersweet how these kids only get to act like kids by giving in to the dolphin mind.

Hold up, THIS is when they think of using the morphing power to heal? I guess it is? Their missions so far have been failures, but they haven't involved near death injuries. This is a bizarre realization.

I really love this moment between Cassie and Marco. Cassie is often portrayed as this wise earth mother type. But here we get to see that this is a major growing up moment for her. She needs to start making active decisions, and not just letting other people take responsibility. The war makes this transition a bit more life and death than most teenagers get, but still necessary.

This plan! This is the one. They're finally being smart about this. Morphing gulls to get a ride on a ship? Resting before going dolphin? They're finally thinking strategically.

Ax's introduction is just so beautiful. He's a child, raised by a militaristic education system during wartime. And now he's alone and afraid and trying very desperately to impress and assess these aliens who in a matter of minutes have just told him that his older brother (the War Hero) has broken their most sacred laws and was murdered by Visser 3.

This is also the first time we hear the black and white version of the andalites vs yeerks. I know that the truth is much more complicated than what Ax is saying. But right now, it's just a group of kids talking. One side is fighting to save others. One is fighting to destroy others.

And there we have it. The team is all together finally. A lot of firsts in this book that I had forgotten about. I'm excited to re-experience these kids integrating Ax into the group. Also, grateful for magic talking whales.

[riririnnnn]

I have this foreboding feeling that while we are prepared for Sae's and Shidou's backstory, Nagi's backstory is going to sneak from behind and punch us in the gut.

No, I don't think it's going to be straight up depression like Kaiser's, but I do think that it'll hit close to home.

You see, Nagi got Laissez-faire parents which means they never really interfered with his life. Like, these type of parents—as I have read on some websites—will basically set their child free and let them do whatever they want with no or very few rules/restrictions. They will not tell you, "Oh! You should do this!" or "Oh! You shouldn't do this!" They will simply let you figure out your life all by yourself.

I'm not an expert on this and I'm not calling this type of parenting bad in any way. Every child is different with different needs, and I'm sure there are many who grew up in this kinda family and liked this parenting method. However, I do think that Nagi didn't like it that much, and I got two reasons to think this way:

1. "That's nice."

When Reo said that his family constantly meddles in his life, Nagi's immediate reaction was, "That's nice" instead of being surprised or disgruntled. If Nagi really liked his parents NOT meddling in his life, then he should've said something like, "Really!? Sucks to be you, Reo. I can't imagine living a life like that!"

You getting me?

Also, we all know how Nagi is—he definitely feels that telling someone to do or not to do something is a hassle, so he, probably, feels that if someone is doing all this for you, then you are important for them.

And before any one says, no, I don't think Nagi was tying up his tongue thinking, "They are his parents. They wouldn't want anything bad for their own child, right? I shouldn't say anything against them and should say good things about them just to be safe." I don't think he has this kind of filter in him.

2. "Don't die ."

So, why would you not want someone to die? Of course, because you care for them and want them to be with you.

"Want"

That's really what I'm tryna highlight.

It's a pretty common knowledge that some children are just naturally more independent while others are a bit more dependent and seek guidance from the elders. Considering Nagi's first reaction to knowing about Reo's parents' meddling, I think that Kiddo!Nagi falls into the latter category—someone who likes to be guided and helped by the adults. Now, place Kiddo!Nagi with his Laissez-faire parents... You are getting where I'm going with this one?

That's why I think that Kiddo!Nagi, probably, thought that his parents didn't love him/care for him. And what happens if someone doesn't love you or care for you? Yeah, they don't care if you die which, somewhat, explains why Older!Nagi was happy to hear, "Don't die [before us (probably)]" from his parents.

I have already talked about his potential backstory before too, so it was actually when I heard he had longer bangs as a child that made my head turn to him again—something felt odd.

I understand that having long bangs is not a big deal—Niko's bangs literally cover his eyes, but having it as a kid is way different, y'know. Once you are like 12-13, you somewhat become capable of doing your own hair and clothes by yourself, so you can manage whatever aesthetics you prefer. However, for a kid younger than that, it's the parents' responsibility to look after his/her hair and clothes, and we all know that long bangs are quite bothersome—blocks our vision, sometimes stabs the eyes, and even irritatingly itches the nose.

All in all, till his backstory drops, I'd firmly believe that he was, though unintentionally, a neglected kid—at least, emotionally.

Now I can't get this image out of my head where Kiddo!Nagi is longingly staring at other kids in a park where everyone is learning things like riding a bicycle or maybe playing baseball and stuff with their parents while he is just.. there, probably, all alone.