#Grishaverse humor

[ordinarythingsiflovecaneverbe]

*pointing at Zoya* she’s a murderer!

Nikolai: cause she’s killing it💅

[electroniccollectiondonut]

the darkling is the funniest bitch in ravka I swear. literally all of this is in the span of less than twenty pages he's great

[tenaciousdragonmoon]

Jesper: Do you think Kaz has a soft side?

Wylan: Jesper, this morning he told me to “die quieter” because my cough was distracting him.

[kanejbr3kker]

rip matthias helvar you would've loved watching nina become queen of fjerda

[jazzkrebber]

Kuwei: must be hard not being able to laugh

Wylan: I do have a sense of humor you know

Kuwei: I've never heard you laugh before

Wylan: I've never heard you say anything funny

[to-be-a-dreamer]

I will never not find it hilarious that one of Kaz's main skills is close-up magic like I know it's because it's good for pickpocketing and it shows how he always wants to know how things work so. Logically it makes sense for the character but it still makes me giggly and does not help him beat the "most dramatic bitch in Kerch" allegations. Funniest character detail in the history of ever please never make him stop

[greensaplinggrace]

do you guys remember this. because it lives rent free in my brain every single day. this is still some of the funniest shit I have ever seen. like what do you mean no 😭😭

[jomiddlemarch]

You’re Not My Homeland Anymore

“This was the best idea you had?” Nina muttered in as low a tone as she could that Matthias would be able to hear. If she’d had her way and they’d both worked harder on the Suli grammar and listened-to-slash-pestered-to-tutor-them Inej, they could perhaps have had a conversation in a normal volume in a tongue no one in Arendelle would have understood, but the courtiers would still have been curious; Nina was fluent herself but Matthias did not have her same skill and she freely admitted she was a terrible teacher, at least for him. Nina thought sighingly of the signing language Botkin had introduced one very wet sleety winter, aware that Matthias would take her to task for referring to her thoughts as sighing and yet knowing it to be the most accurate description. She could have signed that to him, her hand half-hidden in the voluminous embroidered gown she’d been laced into for the presentation, but she hadn’t been a good enough student that very wet sleety winter and so her signing was limited to an obscene gesture or two, neither of which would be helpful in this instance.

“It was the only idea we had,” Matthias hissed back. He’d improved at hissing in their flight from Kerch across Fjerda, which was not a huge win but one of the few she could own. His ability to convey italics was a gift he’d been born with, much as she’d been a Heartrender since she’d been able to cry aloud for milk.

“Fine,” she said, timing her quelling retort to coincide with the extremely low curtsy that was due a reigning monarch and their consort. Queen Anna had a relatively friendly expression, her eyes inquisitive, her bejeweled crown worn with a certain whimsical panache, but her consort, Kristof, Lord Tyholmen, who looked as if he’d been carved from granite, could give Ivan a run for his money in the sternness department and he’d reportedly been raised by rock-trolls, which were a thing in the far, far north. What General Kirigan would make of such a race Nina could not begin to imagine, but she tucked away the piece of intelligence because whatever else was said of her, she was an extremely skilled spy.

“You may rise,” Queen Anna announced. Was she bored? Was that boredom in her tone or a curiosity badly disguised? 

“State your case for asylum,” her consort said. His hair was nearly as bright as Matthias’s, but he was broader across the chest, heavy with muscle, a notable contrast to the fine-boned queen. Nina and Matthias were more evenly matched, at least physically. It remained to be seen how similarly the queen and her consort approached problems, Nina and Matthias being the first one of the official court day. It was possible they had argued over breakfast already, as Nina and Matthias had because there were no waffles to take the edge off Nina’s anxiety over the odds of their survival.

“Kristof, you needn’t be so curt,” the queen said. “I prefer If you will, make your plea and be heard, oh tormented supplicant for merciful respite. It’s a little long-winded but it just feels right. There’s a certain elegance to the process that you convey when you use the old form, and I don’t know, it puts me in a more receptive frame of mind for those seeking asylum. As you are, Lady I’m afraid I don’t know your name. And your stalwart companion.”

“I’m not a lady, your Grace,” Nina said. “My name is Nina Zenik and I am a Grisha of Ravka, seeking asylum in your fair and just land. With me is my partner, Matthias Helvar, drüskelle of Fjerda—”

“I seek asylum, Queen Anna, for we are sore in need of safe passage and the protection of your gracious sceptre,” Matthias said, using the Fjerdan dialect they preferred in Arendelle. It got the desired effect; Queen Anna clapped her hands and Lord Tyholmen’s shoulders relaxed a noticeable degree.

“What is a drüskelle?” asked Lord Tyholmen.

“He is a witch-hunter,” Nina said quickly.

“But are you not what the Fjerdans call a witch?” Queen Anna said. “How come you to be allies? Or more, it’s hard to tell at this distance, though I would wager there is something more between you. He’s not been able to take his eyes off you and he had his hand at the small of her back when you came into the chamber.”

Nina smiled as beatifically as she could, wishing to beat Matthias to a pulp.

“We have learned we are each what the other needed,” Nina said. 

“She is not a witch,” Matthias said, speaking over her. Queen Anna glared at him a bit.

“You are seeking asylum, you may wish to consider your tone. I don’t call her a witch. You are Fjerdan and we here know a little of what happens in the Southlands. What can you do, Grisha Nina?”

“Grisha is not a title, your Grace, but my tribe, if you will. I am a Heartrender, I can work on the body—”

“To kill,” Lord Tyholmen said.

“To heal,” Matthias interrupted. “Miss Zenik saved my life when I nearly drowned and then nearly died of exposure.”

“The name is rather ominous, Heartrender,” Queen Anna said. “Among our people, we have those who may manipulate water and wind, call down ice and snow, bring the summer in winter—”

“We call those Grisha Tidemakers,” Nina said.

“We haven’t any other kind of magic here. Separate from the rock-trolls. Do you have rock-trolls?” Queen Anna said.

“Not in Ravka,” Nina replied.

“Oh. Well then. Why are you fleeing Fjerda? Besides the general intolerance there,” Queen Anna said.

“There are Fjerdan people who want us dead. Tortured first, for their pleasure,” Matthias said.

“And you can’t rely on the authorities to intervene?” the queen asked.

“It is the authorities who want us dead,” Matthias said.

“Anna, I told you, this has the makings of a diplomatic nightmare,” Lord Tyholmen said quietly.

“We have already made our position clear to Fjerda,” the queen replied and she sounded, for the first time, like the anointed ruler of the country, responsible for the life of every Arendelle citizen, from the noblest to the least. 

“You must consider the ramifications—”

“Enough! I have considered. I shall answer for my decision with my life it it is required. We shall not do as Fjerda does, we shall not pursue and persecute those who have different gifts, who only seek to live,” she said.

“They are also thieves, Anna,” Lord Tyholmen said.

“We would steal our lives for ourselves. We had to eat, to be warm. We needed boots and gear to make our way here,” Nina said.

“And the documents, the weapons, the pouch of gems?” Lord Tyholmen challenged. He turned to face his wife. “We could build the new hospital and the observatory with what that one ruby would fetch—"

“We must defend ourselves. We have debts to pay, a mission to complete,” Matthias said. “Nina has pledged her faith to the leader of the Grisha, General Kirigan.”

“You may be lying,” Lord Tyholmen said. He gave them a stony glare. It was perhaps to be expected, being raised by rock-trolls, but it was still rather chilling.

“Or they may be telling the truth,” Queen Anna interjected, attending to her consort directly, nearly turning her back entirely on Nina and Matthias. “They feel like they’re telling the truth to me, so I’m inclined to let them stay. They can stay.”

“Thank you, your Grace,” Nina said.

“I want a dossier prepared on the Grisha, another on the Fjerdan authorities, and one on your Kirigan by end of week and I’d prefer you wrote in Arendellian, because getting them translated isn’t a delay I’m willing to accept,” Queen Anna said, suddenly serious, suddenly conveying the power that went along with being an anointed monarch. And perhaps something else, some call to the force that charged Nina’s Small Science. The queen’s eyes were a darker blue than Nina had noticed at first, the blue of the deep ice, the open sea that was bounded only by sky.

“You will be housed in a secure location,” Lord Tyholmen said. He lifted a hand to stop Matthias from speaking. “Not a prison cell. You will be well-treated. The Queen has decided to trust you. I have not. Make of that what you will, but do not attempt to divide us or exploit that difference. It will not go well for you.”

“I have only one question, your Grace,” Nina said. She needed to re-establish their humanity, hers and Matthias’s, their value as individuals; she needed to appeal to the queen’s warm humor. In this cold a place, that would be all that stood between them and annihilation.

“Yes,” Queen Anna said.

“Do you have waffles here? Breakfast pastries with a sort-of raised grid pattern, served with butter and syrup or jam?”

Queen Anna smiled. Even Lord Tyholmen did something with his face that was smile-like. Matthias rolled his eyes; Nina didn’t see that, but she felt it and tossed her head.

“Kösvafler,” the queen said.

“We serve them with caviar. Or cloudberries in season,” her consort said.

“That sounds intriguing,” Matthias said, finally, finally playing along.

“You shall try both and report your favorites when you produce the dossiers,” the queen said.

Nina nodded smartly. The queen had given her an order she was eager to fulfil.

Cloudberries were nothing special. A berry was a berry as far as Nina was concerned. But caviar…

[flamingspud]

Alina punching Nikolai in Siege and Storm is the most unhinged Dnd player reaction. (More under the cut)

Like, “Sturmhond reveals that he is, in fact the prince of Ravka, and this ‘Ravkan client’ he wanted you to meet was him.”

“I roll to punch him in the face.”

[ravenboysandcrows]

Matthias after joining a gang that includes a ruthless leader who pines for one person and one person only, a mom friend who is terrifyingly skilled with knives, a sharpshooter who is also a bisexual icon, a girl who can raise the dead (also happens to be his girlfriend), and an incredibly smart kid who disguised himself as a cinnamon roll

[flippityflaps]

the effect that wesper has on the fandom

[ordinarythingsiflovecaneverbe]

Alina: so like when if your the Firebird can you talk to all the other birds? Have you got bird friends that don't know you're not really a bird?

Mal: Lina, light of my life… please… it's 3am… go to SLEEP the suns supposed to rise ya know?

[maidenofcrows]

I’m going to be so honest, the joke “Bros? No no, they’re Crows” has been in my head all day. It’s not even a good joke, yet it has been making me laugh at random intervals.

[tenaciousdragonmoon]

Kaz: “We’re going to be stealthy about this, okay?”

Jesper: *accidentally knocks over everything in sight

Kaz: “Stealthy, Jesper.”

Jesper: “Sorry, I can’t hear you over all the stealth.”

[dreamtigress]

I just laughed my ass off with this one, and I had to share:

Inej returns from a voyage and Kaz is eager to see her. When they return to his office, Wylan finds himself in the middle of a situation he would like to escape unnoticed.

[archiveofourcrows]

sometimes i'm like maybe i should feel bad for enjoying the show as a long time soc fan. and then i'm like no that shit banged fr. yeah i have some issues (inej... girl i'm so sorry) but also i'm having the time of my life and it really brought my love of the books back!!!!