#GOOD ON THEM FOR FIXING THE BUGS
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Found out we can replay Sabine quests right after I got booted . LET ME BACK IN SSO NAWUWWWWWW
#I'm not acc mad at sso#GOOD ON THEM FOR FIXING THE BUGS#BUT let me back in. i must be lesbian#sso#ssoblr#star stable#starstableonline#star stable online#sso equestrian festival
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Thinking abt how so many characters in media who canonically state that they don't like people touching them constantly have their boundaries broken and are forced into hugs by other characters and every single time they are shown to be upset it's supposed to be a flaw that they need to overcome until they just are forced to accept/like it.
#text#touch averse#no wonder ppl assume the same of real ppl#everyone wants to think of themselves as the acception as the one who will fix you and make you like hugs#i hate that. i hate you media who have characters with touch aversion as a flaw#we need more characters who are just touch averse and people accept that#no acceptions no 'growth' no 'fixing them' or 'making them love hugs' nothing.#only thought abt this becuz im rewatching kipo and it bugs me so much that wolf tells kipo to not hug or touch her#and kip just responds with 'deal with it' and then later on wolf is suddenly fine with hugging and repeats kipos line#it feels so wrong because it was a blatant disrespect of boundaries that was played off as a good thing
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stede is 'oh this place has something related to my interest i must go in immediately' autistic and izzy is 'if we deviate one inch from my plan for today i will murder someone' autistic
#stede wandering off into the forest to look at bugs was not on the schedule or any of izzys contingency schedules#new thing i think would fix izzy: a clear fucking plan#in the nebulous reunion timeline future i see izzy researching every port town they are gonna stop in HARD so he can figure out everywhere#stede + ed might possibly want to go and plan several routes for the day to keep himself calm in the inevitable chaos#(and yet somehow every time stede finds something he missed and they still go off script anyway)#(he tries to go separately around port from them one time and its a fucking disaster; someone gets stabbed; so he just resigns himself to#incredibly stressful port stops)#its not like stede + ed mean to do it!! theyre both awful for it individually and they just feed off each other#its ok because theyre very good at letting izzy have the deck Exactly how he wants it and scheduling as much big picture stuff as they can#with him#(when stede realises theyve been the cause of like. 65% of izzys stress they finally agree to let him redo the rigging as an apology and#they suddenly realise watching him buy the supplies that hes just as bad as them in his own way)#(he absolutely terrorizes the rope guy but they have never seen him so relaxed as when he was up there redoing all the lines)#nyxtalks#ofmd#izzy hands#israel hands#stede bonnet#you can pry autistic izzy away from my cold dead hands
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[Mii Maker Music]
!!Find the palette in this thread!!
#my art stuff#beetlejuice#cartoon#toonjuice#digital art#bugs#emoji#I made my own brush for the bugs so I can use them in the future#I’m trying to make art more enjoyable for myself and that means making it much less complicated and take less time#so I’m hoping to use this brush more in the future when drawing beej#or things in general#I’m getting better at lightning the weight I put on myself with my art#but it’s an upphills battle and I am STRUGGLING#I’ve been using this eene inker randomly for a while now and it’s making art so much easier to do for me somehow#but it looks so disgusting in my art. not cus it’s an ugly brush. I think it’s really nice-looking actually#but I have such a strong need for all my art to look clean and for every line to be intentionally put where it is#I have a tendancy to go in and fix singular pixels in EVERYTHING when I draw. even if just to make it intentionally look unintentional#but this brush does it on it’s own and I haven’t felt this relaxed while making digital art in MANY years and it’s STRESSING ME OUT#but it’s good that I can relax. That’s the goal. I want to be able to rnjoy drawing again.#The biggest hurdle is my autism hating change but once I’m past that I know I’ll be right as rain#in the meantime I hope people can still enjoy what little stuff I mannage to crank out randomly#also don’t ask me what the style is. my hand just went off with the “whatever just get it down real quick” mentality#I really need to draw the sweetheart more… I say when he is all I draw besides myself anymore-
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. putting polaris in the same room as wolfe. just to see what they become
OUGH. oouuhhh hhmmm.. thats certainly something t chew on... from my best understanding atm of polaris, they change their appearance+demeanor to most appeal to one's desires-- in an effort to keep them close, i believe..? atleast, this is what my digging about provides me with..
ok so. this very much does shift with time so theres a couple fronts to tackle with This Thang. cause like.
for a majority of wolfes earlier life, her actual singular desire is. To Be Left The Fuck Alone. like yeah, she's incredibly outwardly abrasive and has spent a Lot of her life having Just An Absolutely Terrible Time, but none of that really manifests itself as any genuine want to Retaliate in any way. of her own volition, at least-- she has to be under a Lot of strain to actually genuinely lash out at someone. which is to say, If It Sucks, she WILL Hit Da Bricks. she wants to minimize energy cost as much as possible.
she didnt have a lot of drive. a simple 'get in and get out' is quite literally the most she can ask of . literally anything. so to be placed next to someone who Wants to get her to stay, to forge a connection; its. gonna suck. even if she Did have any prior connections to pull on (which she might, but im not sure. were not really sure.) theres a high chance it actually repels her. she hates reminders like that-- she wants to move the hell on already. (i cant help but wonder why. even With a potential 'what if you got another chance?' implication, the aversion still stands. what do you mean by this.)
but then, of course, this Starkly changes with the introduction of rose. after that? it is comedically easy djhfgdj
not only is there an Actual Physical person that she pretty much just Blindly Trusts, but she also starts having Actual Wants past 'dont talk to me' and 'let me mind my own fucking business.' its tenuous, but she Does start more openly caring about the safety of other people, even if she doesnt really particularly know them. but that's a much more slow, kind of mild thing. the easiest (albeit less thorough) way is to present as someone who genuinely needs help- especially if theyre particularly young. its more distant, but she Will try to help.
and then theres the fucking. Situation. with rose. of course she'd be highly on edge about the entire ordeal (thats just how she Is,) but its not a terribly difficult part to play on the surface level because. well. yeah. she misses her. she Wants for things to just suddenly be okay, it was fine, and they all make it out okay. and if rose says its okay, then its probably okay, because why would rose lie to her?
but then theres the Problems. see, i havent exactly pinned down the precise Details of what happens, but its been like that from the very start. in an attempt to keep wolfe from being pulled into a self-destructive spiral, yet another monster they just Have to put down because As Sad As It Is, There's No Other Option; (and also keep the same thing from happening to anyone else too, i guess,) she finds a way to take that role for Herself-- a self-induced loss of control with the goal of 1) exposing just a Bit more of what exactly was Causing everything, and 2) keeping wolfe from doing the exact same thing for Her. an act that she knows full well she almost certainly wont come back from. and well. she didnt. and on some level, this was the intent.
which Means. if that's the angle polaris decides to go for, they Will have to deal with the fallout of "what was that why did you do that why didnt you tell me anything why would you do that why didnt you let me do anything why did you do that what is wrong with you???"
so um have fun with that one, i guess.
#accidental rose jumpscare oops. tis bound to happen..#BEFORE I GET DISTRACTED ABT MY DUMBASSES this is such a fun scenario to chew on. i did my best with what icould remember#your little bug is Fascinating and every time theres more crumbs i pick them up and RUN. ihope thiswas. coherent at least a little. ok yay#piktalk#pikocs#SO. THE THING IS#THIS has been the running Issue between wolfe and rose. the ENTIRE time ive been talking about them.#but i can barely detail much of it bc so much is so undefined except for the critical character intention behind the actions.#rose inherently believes she can fix things on her own; but she Also believes that she is inherently-#-for lack of better terms; a Burden. she truly believes she is not a good person! and that simply being close to her-#-in any meaningful sense; is dangerous to whoever does it. she has no real reason to care about most people; but wolfe is different.#wolfe influences Her just as much as the other way around. and; ultimately; rose uses that trust to double down on her self image.#she wants to prove shes Capable; yes; but she also wants to hide her own imperfections under the guise of 'kindness.'#so she ends on an image that she Wants to be seen as; and doesnt give them the chance to prove her wrong.#she doesnt want anyone to See her. they dont deserve it. (they dont mean anything to her.)#she doesnt want wolfe to See her. she doesnt deserve it. (wolfe is better off without actually Knowing her.)#and it defines so much of why wolfe starts acting the way she does. not because she Believed what rose presented of herself-#-but because she never got the chance to ask for herself. because she trusted so blindly; she didnt have the chance to stop her.#the corsage was never a sweet memento from someone she'd lost; a 'remember me as i was; at my best';#but a reminder that even despite everything; she still hid so much of herself that its hard to know if she ever knew her at all.#there are So many small notes and annotations in just that one fucking act its Impossible. theyre Impossible.#roses decision was a firm You Have To Keep Living. You Have To Live. but what does that mean; coming from you?#it was meant to keep her alive. and it did; all things considered; but. but.#. so thats why this took so fucking long to answer JSHBFJSHBJFD#you miss her so much. what the fuck is her problem. why did she do that. you would do the same thing in a heartbeat. why did she do th#these two are the Epitome of Never Tells Me Anything Ever and Has To Make Everything As Convoluted As Possible. yip ^_^#ihope this was. comprehensible. beclaws my words started failing on me halfway thru. WAHA ^w^
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Remember, skykids! Never get your hopes up because there's a really good chance that the cosmetic you want is an iap that costs the same as your dinner tonight!
#sky cotl#tgc critical#theyve gotten better at making things not cost an arm and a leg but they still haven't fixed the core issue of that#Which is the fact that they avoid accountability as much as possible and then fix something nobody wanted fixed instead#then they say 'look we fixed something! Please give us a good grade in capitalism!'#they gave me massive compensation recently for a bug I didn't even notice that I was experiencing?? Which?? Ok cool 20 ac#good for them#They actually apologized and gave proper compensation#But they should probably address the elephant in the room which is#Why are you cramming events that will be stupid expensive not just with iaps back to back#Can you please let us breathe#god#And the ts feel like taxes not am opportunity now#perhaps I'm just mourning what sky used to be 3 years ago when I was climbing the skyconomy ladder
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Rereading the chapters set in Zuurith and it's literally them

#aurora webcomic#aurora comic#erin ruunaser#my art#the chapters set in Zuurith are so good im having sm fun reading them#edit 1/3: there was a mistake that was bugging me for AGES so i finally fixed it-otheriwise its completely the same)
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and it happens on the opposite side of the coin as well, where i will have a difficult day and push ppl away and get paranoid and unreasonable and snippy, and I'll feel like shit by the time we finally get to the evening. but he'd still be willing to sit with me and talk to me and try to work things out, and we would make sure neither of us ever goes to sleep feeling sick with fear that we've irreversibly fucked everything up forever
#okay fine this is my one disclaimer-ish that I'm sort of adding to the previous post fjfkdkdl#i dont want ppl thinking its unbalanced or that im pulling a ''i can fix him'' thing#or a ''big scary brown man x pale skinned saviour'' bullshit. NOT DOING THAT.#we both have issues stemming from childhood abuse and trauma and by god we work together to work through them!#and he will call me out on shit that i do if need be and we will talk like adults and work thru things as needed#i am not a saviour and i am not Fixing him (we simply both help each other) and he is not scary fjfkdl#💜so good at being in trouble#💜a boy and his bug🪲#dandy.cmd
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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I have GOT to make new refs for Maeve and Zander cuz I don't like the way they came out in the ones I posted for the poll 😩
Might do that today for one of them once I put the laundry to dry....
#rii says#my standards for them are so high#I feel like my art style can't capture how pretty maeve is and how handsome zander is#Also I didn't get to do shit yesterday#so I wanna make up for it today#I cleaned since I woke up I deserve to take a drawing break#Zander came out really good in his GBF ref#Maeve's GBF ref was alright I just wish I fixed the proportions a bit more she looks like she's really short#But she's like... 5'8“ or 5'9”-#Zander's 6'#Zander's height in his non GBF ref looks appropriate to me but... god he looks like a bug I need to redo it-#And Maeve... Idk what it is about her non GBF ref that bugs me so much#I'll figure it out#anyway yap session over time to put my clothes in the dryer and draw
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fighting screaming biting this thing
#im finally trying to fix up my renpy point and click game#currently trying to fix the UI so its not just the renpy default#but the things arent going where i want them to be RAUGH#its ok i'll figure it out tomorrow#just wanted to show you guys what ive been up to#havent been doing digital art in a bit so havent had much to show here#anyway#my friend offered to make music for this game which would be awesome and definitely a good incentive for me to finally finish it#i have a version of it up on my portfolio site but it has a lot of bugs ive fixed since so dont go playing that one lmao#it's not a long game just a silly little story#i'll show it to you guys when its done
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So, tried out coral island, and it’s… kind of a fucking sham what constitutes a ‘1.0’ game to some companies. It’s not like this hasn’t plagued the industry since the earliest days of early access even being a concept but, man, thankfully i only did the trial and didn’t drop $30 on it. An extra shame too because I’m really hankering for a farming sim a la harvest moon / sdv, and I’ve heard such good things about it but… yeah if you’re on console especially don’t drop your hard-earned money on it.
#i have a gift card that i just haven’t used but yeah. maybe if it fixes all the game crashing bugs at least?#even if you’re an indie developer there’s noooo excuse delivering a game as a ‘1.0’#that still has a big WIP on any of the main quest lines when u start them#or absolutely game breaking bugs like accessing the inventory. good god#old man yells at cloud dot jpg but i feel like its hard to find anything anymore i want to actually play#also. why is ‘cozy’ a genre. that tells me nothing about a game. like.#that’s. that’s not a genre. that’s a feeling.
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it’s so infuriating that i can’t use my mobile app properly cuz i have to stop gif auto-play or my app literally crashes after 5 min & i can’t stand the new desktop layout cuz it’s an eyesore & makes no sense if @staff really wanted to declutter the ui. this site is actually becoming unusable 😵💫 if they’re trying to self destruct then well done tumblr well done 🫠
#it’s really not the same looking at frozen gifs#and then having to tap them individually if i want to really see them#then the desktop layout is just not good#and it always takes longer for me to reblog & queue#and images load so slowly#and instead of tumblr fixing actual bugs & those effing bots#they do stuff like this 😭😭
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This is very well articulated and true to many people's experiences, BUT with the diagnostic landscape as it stands, I think its really dangerous to assume that children who *do* get diagnosed are treated any more kindly.
Many kids who are diagnosed are not actually given words to explain their experiences. Their needs are simply dismissed as "symptoms" they have to "work on" and "get past".
Some kids are actually diagnosed with "Oppositional Defiant Disorder" - whereupon ANY need they express - even those which would be treated as reasonable from undiagnosed or neurotypical children! - is pathologized as "defiance". And yes, this diagnosis is highly racialized.
Honestly, knowing that ODD exists as a diagnosis really forces a person to challenge their perspective on what diagnosis is and means. Yes, diagnosis *can* be a tool of understanding, a way of banding together around shared struggles and generating shared language, tools, and resources. But it can also be a tool of opression and social control. And it *is*, currently for many people, a tool which is used to opress them. Even if it is also currently, in other people's experience, a tool of solidarity and support.
I think people who have experienced adult diagnosis as a relief, a breakthrough, a finding of community and tools of understanding - are sometimes prone to projecting this experience onto an imagined experience of childhood diagnosis, without looking into what childhood diagnosis actually entails.
It shouldn't be surprising, given the way children are dismissed, corralled, managed, and expected to conform to adult expectations at all times - that childhood diagnosis lacks the experience of autonomy, self-realization, and support found by those seeking diagnosis on their own terms as adults.
And it's understandable for people to say, "I wish I'd had this experience [of finding a diagnosis as an adult] as a child." But you can't just say, "I wish I'd been diagnosed as a child", and expect it to mean that - without MAKING childhood diagnosis mean something completely different than it currently does.
And I do absolutely think that it's crucial to change childhood diagnosis to mean eduction *of parents and caregivers* about the diagnosis, to mean kids are given tools and resources to express their needs and to process their experiences, to mean kids are given access to the same sort of supportive community that adults find through diagnosis.
But I actually don't think that's the first step. I think the first step is to create a cultural shift where we LISTEN TO CHILDREN WHEN THEY EXPRESS THEIR NEEDS, IN THEIR OWN WAYS, ON THEIR OWN TERMS. In general. For all children.
Where adults take seriously kids who are upset over problems adults find absurd. Where adults are willing to make accommodations that kids request even if they don't understand why it matters. Where kids aren't ridiculed or shut down for asking for things that don't make sense. Where kids who say they're in pain are treated as if they're in pain, not as if they're trying to get out of something. Where kids who say they need to sit something out are allowed to sit something out. Where adults make an effort to understand what kids are trying to communicate, even if they cant "use their words".
It turns out that having been dismissed by adults over something that really mattered to you as a kid is a near universal experience. And I'm not saying it's not *worse* for neurodivergent kids. I'm just saying that it's treated as bizarrely normalized in childcare that kids won't come to adults with really serious issues, like abuse. That they'll try to hide it. Why? Because they've learned that adults don't really understand them, and won't try to understand them. That adults don't really listen.
And it's hard, actually - as an adult working with kids, they'll come to you with a concern that seems absolutely ridiculous. Like, their classmate was bragging about how he's going to borrow his uncle's helicopter and fly to the north pole to meet santa. And THEY know santa isn't real and that the north pole is very dangerous - but they think it's absolutely credible that the kid could steal the helicopter, and they're terrified he's gonna get hurt. And you can't laugh! Not even a tiny little bit! You have to treat absolutely seriously their concern, and work it through with them. Because to them it's not ridiculous. They don't have the perspective you do, about what's real and possible and plausible and what isn't. All they'll see is that you've dismissed their real fear - and after that, why would they come to you with anything else they're scared of?
So you have to meet them where they are. You have to treat their experiences and perspectives as genuine, even when they don't make sense to you. You have to work towards understanding their reality, and what they're trying to convey to you, and what they want you to do for them in response. Even if they don't know what they want you to do! They're coming to you as an adult who will fix a problem for them, but if you fix the problem your way and it turns out that's not actually what they wanted, they *still* learn that adults don't understand them and can't help them. You have to learn to unpack all your concepts of what goes on in kids heads, and really meet them where they are. As complex individuals whose ways of thinking and being are probably totally different from your own, regardless of whether they - or you - are neurodivergent.
And this unpacking goes beyond kids. Not only do we need to take kids seriously, we need to take each other seriously. We need to build a world where people are able to understand and respect that other people are different from them without having to know Why and How. Where you don't NEED a diagnosis to be allowed to exist in a way that is different from other people.
anyway I don't mean to detract from the conversation about how alienating and destructive it is to your ability to relate to yourself, to grow up neurodivergent and having your own experiences constantly denied to you. I just think that while we're at it, we may as well address the problem at the root.


#god DAMN this got away from me.#sorry for this absurdly long reblog.#I was just going to point out that childhood diagnosis isn't actually a fix for this as it stands#Based on many and various horror stories I've heard about what childhood diagnosis is actually like#But then I kinda wanted to get into what actually worked really well for Me as a weird little kid#Which was being listened to on my own terms without diagnosis ever even coming into it#Which is actually much more robust and flexible as a principle than just unfucking diagnosis#Although that is also worth doing. Because sometimes it does help to have words to put around it#And other people to back you up and say they experience the same things you do#And they can explain it more thoroughly in better words to people who are stubborn about getting it#That's also good and important!#But the more I wrote this the more the line about diagnosis being the only way forward Bugged Me#what if we all learned to respect each other without needing to understand each other?#What if we unpacked the idea of neurotypicality so completely that no one could smugly stand by their way being the only way?#what then??#long post#antipsychiatry adjacent#<- look up “antipsychiatry” or “mad pride” if you don't get that tag#Childhood pedagogy#You thought this was a psychology post? think again. it's a pedagogy post#Everything is a pedagogy post#with thanks/apologies to the person I cribbed the santa helicopter story from. I've yet to find anything that illustrates better#the split between what's high stakes to a kid and absurd to an adult#or the way kids process what's real or not and how it can lead them to world understandings an adult would Not predict
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idk if people on tumblr know about this but a cybersecurity software called crowdstrike just did what is probably the single biggest fuck up in any sector in the past 10 years. it's monumentally bad. literally the most horror-inducing nightmare scenario for a tech company.
some info, crowdstrike is essentially an antivirus software for enterprises. which means normal laypeople cant really get it, they're for businesses and organisations and important stuff.
so, on a friday evening (it of course wasnt friday everywhere but it was friday evening in oceania which is where it first started causing damage due to europe and na being asleep), crowdstrike pushed out an update to their windows users that caused a bug.
before i get into what the bug is, know that friday evening is the worst possible time to do this because people are going home. the weekend is starting. offices dont have people in them. this is just one of many perfectly placed failures in the rube goldburg machine of crowdstrike. there's a reason friday is called 'dont push to live friday' or more to the point 'dont fuck it up friday'
so, at 3pm at friday, an update comes rolling into crowdstrike users which is automatically implemented. this update immediately causes the computer to blue screen of death. very very bad. but it's not simply a 'you need to restart' crash, because the computer then gets stuck into a boot loop.
this is the worst possible thing because, in a boot loop state, a computer is never really able to get to a point where it can do anything. like download a fix. so there is nothing crowdstrike can do to remedy this death update anymore. it is now left to the end users.
it was pretty quickly identified what the problem was. you had to boot it in safe mode, and a very small file needed to be deleted. or you could just rename crowdstrike to something else so windows never attempts to use it.
it's a fairly easy fix in the grand scheme of things, but the issue is that it is effecting enterprises. which can have a looooot of computers. in many different locations. so an IT person would need to manually fix hundreds of computers, sometimes in whole other cities and perhaps even other countries if theyre big enough.
another fuck up crowdstrike did was they did not stagger the update, so they could catch any mistakes before they wrecked havoc. (and also how how HOW do you not catch this before deploying it. this isn't a code oopsie this is a complete failure of quality ensurance that probably permeates the whole company to not realise their update was an instant kill). they rolled it out to everyone of their clients in the world at the same time.
and this seems pretty hilarious on the surface. i was havin a good chuckle as eftpos went down in the store i was working at, chaos was definitely ensuring lmao. im in aus, and banking was literally down nationwide.
but then you start hearing about the entire country's planes being grounded because the airport's computers are bricked. and hospitals having no computers anymore. emergency call centres crashing. and you realised that, wow. crowdstrike just killed people probably. this is literally the worst thing possible for a company like this to do.
crowdstrike was kinda on the come up too, they were starting to become a big name in the tech world as a new face. but that has definitely vanished now. to fuck up at this many places, is almost extremely impressive. its hard to even think of a comparable fuckup.
a friday evening simultaneous rollout boot loop is a phrase that haunts IT people in their darkest hours. it's the monster that drags people down into the swamp. it's the big bag in the horror movie. it's the end of the road. and for crowdstrike, that reaper of souls just knocked on their doorstep.
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Before I knew I was bisexual I was just insanely dramatic and weird around guys I liked. I had a crush on this guy in my ward - he was older than me, he played bagpipes and had a cheerful dog and an old Volkswagen bus that he worked on all the time. He also had nice scruff and unnaturally attractive hands and a good sense of humor, so I was like FULLY smitten.
I talked about him a lot and about how he was just so dang COOL, dang it, because he was so frickin’ cool. And I really liked him. I thought he was funny and smart and interesting and cool and fascinating and a bunch of other weird feelings I barely had the attention span to think about (I think my ADHD may have prevented me from coming out for a while tbh).
One day, I’m like 14-15, his dad is called to be my Sunday School teacher. His dad is this ex-military hardass with a chip on his shoulder for absolutely no reason and unattainable standards for his children. He spent most of Sunday School talking shit about his eldest boy and how he was rebellious and didn’t listen to him and how that was going to make him a bad adult and a bad son forever. How his son was too lazy and unmotivated to be successful because he didn’t listen to his advice on how to read the scriptures. He complained about how our generation was too weak to do things right and that our generation would surely be the one that brought the world’s downfall because of our laziness and sin.
And like, first of all, that guy can already go fuck himself for that. To clarify, that’s already stupid. BUT. He was talking about the man I had uncomfortable dreams about at least once a month. I couldn’t stand it. I’d get so mad I’d go home shaking sometimes because how fucking DARE he insult his hardworking stunning son by calling him lazy? For not reading the Bible the way his dad wants? When he’s already spending his time learning bagpipes? And fixing cars? And being cool? And cute? Who the fuck even cares if he uses the footnotes in the Book of Mormon? Who gives a rotten rat’s ass if he doesn’t use the scripture study manual his dad uses? He’s so cool he doesn’t even need it? So fuck off?
And eventually I got fucking Sick Of It and decided to mutiny. And by mutiny, I mean skip class. I’d just not go. And after a bit, adults started noticing and bugging me about it. At first, this was put off by small talk and excuses, but as my absence from Sunday School became more well-known, my excuses began to be rejected.
“Oh, Lizard, why aren’t you in class?” Uhm idk because my Sunday School teacher is mean to his kid and that makes me so mad wtf do you want from me? 🫠🤔
“Where’s your class, I’ll go with you!” Oh no ty I’d rather peel my own eyes than have my taste in men critiqued tyty 🩷
“Lizard, you should go to class, I’m sure they miss you!” And I miss the innocent days where my stomach didn’t hurt when a cool boy I knew was being belittled but unfortunately for us both those days are LONG gone and all that’s left is a budding psychosexual clusterfuck that will render me almost fully incapable of functioning for the better part of a decade so Bye Bye, sister Smith 🙂↕️
It had gotten to the point that ward leadership was involved. I was being approached by members of the Young Men’s presidency and the Bishopric to try and make me to back to class. They were telling me God had told them to find me and instruct me on my rebelliousness. This is where I implemented my secret weapon - women. Mormons are weird as hell about a lot of things, but especially about women. And I was GREAT with women. So to combat the leadership’s attention, I started helping women.
Our ward had a lot of new moms with babies who were, as babies tend to be, fussy. But for Mormon women the church is often their only social outlet, so they try to power through as long as they can even if it means enduring the exhausting ordeal of taking care of a fussy baby at church.
For what it’s worth, I have a lot of sway with babies. I got baby street cred. Me and babies have a rapport. I have always known this. I have always loved this. And in this crucial gay time in my faggot life my baby mind powers came in clutch - Every time I saw a member of the bishopric getting close, or a young men’s leader giving me side-eye, I’d start walking slowly towards class, passing by relief society. I’d wait until a mom’s baby had gotten too fussy and needed to leave the room, and I’d swoop in like a knight. “Oh, don’t you worry sister, I’ll bounce him a bit. You go back and hang out with your friends in class. You deserve a break.”
If it was a diaper change or something they’d tell me no. But if it was just some good old-fashioned baby fusses, I mean, they’d be moved almost to tears. They just got their social time back AND a free babysitter who is renowned as the Baby Whisperer. And because I was holding a baby as a favor for someone else, I of course could not reasonably be bothered to return to class.
So just like that, I was out of everyone’s sights. This went on for about a month before the straw that broke the camel’s back, which was that without my class participation the classes were quiet and awkward. I’d often take the brunt of Sunday school lectures by answering questions impulsively and over explaining myself enough that the clock could run out without anyone needing to do or say much. My absence meant everyone else was getting hit with the full unpleasantness of this guy’s bullshit. And so slowly, one-by-one, I had a group of about 8 kids on baby-holding duty. These new moms were so overjoyed, they and their husbands were both so actively in our corner that now chastising us was untenable. Now we had bargaining power. So the Bishopric approached us, confused beyond confused and uncomfortable beyond uncomfortable, and said,
“What’s it gonna take to get you back to class?”
The POWER I possessed in that moment was addictive. By being kind to the women of the ward and ignoring the Mormon de facto Rule of Law of following rules en-masse so the rule breakers feel left out, there were now so many people breaking ranks that we had effectively enacted a church boy labor strike. And they crumbled so fast it was almost like we had swayed God himself to our cause.
“I want brother assholedad gone. He sucks at teaching.”
I didn’t even have to say it. One of my rebels said it for me. I just nodded sagely and said “Yes, his class is not edifying. It’s better to not go and hold babies.”
And just like that, with a snap of my limp-wristed, Christ-wounding, bottom-brained fingers my faggot will was enacted. God’s revelation that brother shitdad was his chosen Sunday school teacher flipped on a dime. Suddenly brother shitdad was asked to be an usher and the fun dad of another one of my crushes was called in to teach us. I still stayed to hold babies a lot, but the rest of the class returned and all was well again.
Although I didn’t recognize it then, I think that was a formative moment for me in a lot of ways. I learned that being really persistently annoying will get me what I want from authority eventually. I learned that God’s will can be swayed by going in strike. I learned that ignoring men’s made up authority forces them to level with you as a person. I learned that caring for women, especially vulnerable women, can make a whole world happier. I learned that letting women rest can help them feel more love for the things that matter in their life. I learned that social bonds make everyone stronger and happier. And I learned that loving others in a gay way can change the world.
Be gayer. Read Terry Pratchett. I love y’all 💕
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