#we both have issues stemming from childhood abuse and trauma and by god we work together to work through them!

[dandyshucks]

and it happens on the opposite side of the coin as well, where i will have a difficult day and push ppl away and get paranoid and unreasonable and snippy, and I'll feel like shit by the time we finally get to the evening. but he'd still be willing to sit with me and talk to me and try to work things out, and we would make sure neither of us ever goes to sleep feeling sick with fear that we've irreversibly fucked everything up forever

[musicallisto]

without fail tag

THE “WITHOUT FAIL” TAG — List five things that you, WITHOUT FAIL, weave into or explore in your stories, whether it be specific themes or tropes, character archetypes, allusions to other literary works, what have you! It really can be anything that you consistently include in your narratives for whatever reason. Then invite others to share theirs by tagging them!

I was tagged by @deadlymodern - thank you so much for tagging me, this tag is amazing and I loved reading your answers! I can tell you have a very thorough approach to your writing & themes, it’s so cool!

(tagging people at the bottom of the post if you want to skip)

1. flowers, skies & words

grouping them together since they're all related to a wider, general literary device: symbols and allegories in my stories. Without fail, I’ll always use flower symbolism to evoke certain themes, places, characters... withered petals for death, blossoms for youth, you name it, it’s probably been in one of my stories. just consider my main WIP’s title, The Grave of Roses (Le Tombeau des Roses). It’s a little basic, and has been used time and time before in literature, but I still love it.

Other elements that often make it into my stories as symbols are planes (because I love aviation obviously, but also as a symbol of breaking free, independence, of man’s domination on mortality, what with having tamed the skies, but also his frail condition and how everything hangs on a thread). Also, the sky is pretty.

And lastly, words, stories, novels always have their place in my stories, and more often than not one of my characters is a writer, or someone who uses words and stories as some kind of comfort, outlet, or a driving force.

At its [the tombstone] foot, below the name, red roses piled up, enough of them to cover ten graves. A single vermilion bud, a wind-swept poppy, clashed with the rest of the bouquet, and Samuel knew that it was William's children who had placed it there. Only they knew that he didn't even like roses anymore, and that he would come to lay poppies on his father's memorial every time he returned to London...

The tomb was both smaller and prettier than Samuel imagined, less opulent than England would have wanted to give its precious child. The morning sun, like a caress, illuminated the epitaph, a Latin verse that Samuel had known in the past. “Bury me southward,” he heard William say so clearly that he almost turned around, "so that I can look at England and France in the same breath." His name, however, was drenched in full light, facing east, and inexplicably this saddened Samuel.

“And there it is... it's pretty, don't you think? I don't know if he would have liked it... You probably know it better than I do...”

“And why do you care about that, huh? You don't even believe in God.” “He's a writer. He believes in symbols.” “He believes in vanity, alright.”

“I think he would have liked it anyway,” he nodded in agreement, his eyes glued to the lonely poppy. (Translation)

2. parental roughnesses

this was bound to come, because I feel like we were all pretty fucked up at some point in our lives from our upbringing. I didn’t go for straight up “parental issues” because I don’t deal with like, abusive or absent parents or anything, just complicated relationships between parents and their children, but who still love each other. Oftentimes it has to do with one of the children idealizing the heck out of their parent and slowly realizing that they make mistakes and are not a hero at all, and/or unmeetable expectations and parental pressure. but it’s not like I’m projecting or anything lol

“You never knew Father, William,” Grace stopped him immediately [...]. “Don't you dare pretend you know what it's like.”

“Growing up without a father is not necessarily better than losing him in childhood! Everyone here has suffered from his disappearance, Grace. You have no idea how much I miss him, despite never meeting him. But that's all in the past now. And there's no reason for there to be another war.”

“Of course there is!” she retorted ferociously, despite the tears spilling from her eyes. “Of course there is, and they're going to send you there like Father, and you'll want to play hero like Father, and then you'll get shot down like a dog! Where's it going to be this time, huh? Above Luxembourg, just like him, or maybe somewhere in your beloved France?” (Translation)

3. patriotism

One way or another, all my stories always deal with patriotism, nationalism, pride in one’s country and more broadly speaking one’s relationship to it. It questions what it means to belong to a country, to share one culture, one language; does it justify acting in the benefit of one’s country, and where do you draw the line before you intentionnally harm others’; what even is a country, a nationality, and it what sense do you belong to one, and what do you owe it, if you even owe it anything? Is it wrong or right to feel love and attachment to your place of origin? And what does it mean to fight for your country, for its values, for its people? & other things of the like. It probably stems from my own experience as a binational person; growing up, I was always asked stuff like “but who do you root for in a football game” “but are you like really French or not?” “if Spain and France got into a war what would you do?”, and this all lead me to question “am I more French or am I more Spanish - which one am I, and which one would others perceive me to be - do I need to pick a side? And how can I express my affection to these places that raised me both differently, without undermining the other - or others? can I still be proud of my heritage given the horrors my countries have committed in the past?”. I still haven’t found a definitive answer, so my writing is just me throwing trails out to the world and hoping I’ll figure it out someday. that’s why my stories often have a war setting; firstly I just love historical fiction, and secondly it’s the perfect backdrop for all these questions to unfold.

William laughed at the idea - he, a true Frenchman! It was a very silly thought. He may have loved what he had seen of Charlotte's country, but England was not to be ashamed of any other land, for it was the only one he would love until his last breath. (Translation.)

4. just a hint of supernatural

I love me a good ghost story, and I’m a fan of everything spooky, but what’s subtly spooky, and not the gory, in-your-face horror. This particular theme may have increased since I saw The Haunting of Hill House which completely OBLITERATED ME with how it uses the house and its ghosts to tell a story of family and trauma and memories... but I’ve loved ghost stories forever. Another piece that truly resonated with me was One Hundred Years of Solitude (Cien años de soledad) by Gabriel García Márquez. It was my first dive into the world of magical realism and I didn’t make it out of there the same person I was when I entered. This one is not necessarily included in every piece without fail, because some are just too anchored in reality, but if it’s not a straight-up spirit or an otherworldly creature, I’ll always find a way to include an aspect of superstition, a myth, a legend, a tale from faraway that is neither proved nor disproved throughout the story. It truly adds to the atmosphere of the world, even in a very realistic and gritty setting, I believe.

I hear murmurs of legends among the soldiers. [...] One of those stories caught my attention, I must admit... It is not very special, nothing more than a children's tale, but I thought it was beautiful enough to please your Romantic soul. Some pilots speak of a cemetery, somewhere in the countryside north of London, which has something mystical about it, lost in the flowers that sway as far as the eye can see, in the calm rhythm of the wind, wrapped in the heady scent of eternal spring, and where the bravest warriors would go to rest forever, tired of their exploits and the continual explosions. No one knows exactly where it is or what to do to be buried there, but this beautiful image simply floats like a dream in the minds of many and, I confess, in mine as well since I first heard about it.

It is said that there only flowers dare to disturb the heroes in their sleep... This fragment of silence is called the Grave of the Roses.

So if I were to leave you, if you were to hear that I am gone...

With a bit of luck, that is where you will find me.

5. love

this one is broader and less obvious than you might think. Of course, I’ll always, always implement an element of romance to my story (and more often than not it’s angsty with star-crossed lovers or insurmountable obstacles or forbidden romances and whatnot), but there’s more to it. I don’t think I have ever written a story that is entirely grim and bleak, simply because I do not believe the world is built like that. I’ve said time and time again that love is my favorite thing in the world, and I believe it is the force that drives us all forward and connects us all together; love is, to me, the truest power of humanity, and its inherent purpose. And love covers all subjects and all types of relationships, but my absolute favorite ways to explore and show love in my stories is through long-lasting, rock-solid friendships (because friendships are often overlooked both in fiction and real life), and just a grandiose love letter to humanity as a whole. I’m an optimist, and many people who have suffered more than I have would deem me naive for thinking this - and I cannot blame them -, but as Anne Frank put it more bravely than I ever could, “despite everything, I still think humans are good at heart”. My stories are always born out of love and made for love. For the love of humanity and kindness and literature and love of myself, too, because sometimes I just like rereading the words and thinking, “wow, I’ve made it this far. look at me go.” In a word, yes, I would say that is what it boils down to; my work, but also what I hope my entire life and being will be. An ode to love.

“He admired you and truly loved you, you know. You were a good leader, I'm sure, and a good friend, above all.”

He thought she was going to put her hand on his shoulder, and prepared to bend to avoid it, but instead she came to rest on the polished marble of the tomb, which was already beginning to erode at the corners. The soft light bathed her hand, and Samuel's on the other corner, still resting above William's surname, the only thing he had been proud of from beginning to end.

“And I loved him too. I loved them all. If you only knew...”

well, I got carried away, as I always do when talking about my writing, but it made me miss it so much. I haven’t worked on any of my projects since literally October and I’m feeling the void rn. anyway, thank you again for enabling me to ramble about what I love most, Thais! and I’m tagging @softeninglooks, @lxncelot, @myriadimagines​, @swanimagines & @randomfandomimagine + plus any writer who wants to talk about their marvelous work <3

[bthump]

when did you first get into berserk? what made you fall in love with griffith, guts and their relationship/dynamic? (btw i love this blog. it's a gem admist the rubble that is the berserk fandom. keep up the good work ❤)

Thank you, that’s awesome to hear!

Well I watched the anime with a friend and then read a scanlation several years ago, and I enjoyed it and casually shipped griffguts but I didn’t really get super into it back then, probably because the scanlation was hard to follow and often confusing, and I never ended up rewatching the anime despite being tempted bc the rape and attempted rape scenes put me off too much to dive back into it.

Then a couple years ago I got into a conversation about Berserk w/ someone and found out Guts and co finally got off the boat so I was like, hey maybe I should re-read it and catch up. So I found the dark horse translation and just fell completely head over heels for it lol.

And I think I got so into it bc of the double whammy of how well Guts, Griffith, and griffguts hits so many of my favourite ship and character tropes, and how thoroughly the story is about their relationship, and how it’s actively enriched by reading their relationship as mutual pining and repressed attraction lol. Like, it legit fits everything perfectly and makes the story more coherent and thematically rich.

So like, on a personal level, everything griffguts is just enjoyable to me. I love how Guts reads like Miura’s attempt to take an over the top action antihero archetype and actually delve into what would make a dude that fucked up. I love the way the Black Swordsman arc subverts expectations that way - you expect a big action climax when Guts encounters the dude he wants revenge on, and instead he’s physically helpless at the time and can’t do much of anything except lie on the ground listening to a story that parallels his own backstory lol, the climax is actually fueled by emotional revelations about his former relationship with the dude he wants revenge on, and then we segue into the Golden Age and learn all about Guts’ traumatic childhood and why he has giant issues around being traded away by someone he loves, as well as why he’s irrationally driven to fight strong opponents.

Like I’m admittedly just a sucker for big tough scary badass is still basically a scared abused attention starved kid deep down.

And Griffith is just my ideal character. Like start off with one of my favourite character types of calm, collected, competent dude who is a huge mess of issues behind that veneer, and then add about 50 more things I adore, like his narrative of being torn between his love for another dude and the thing he built his entire life around; the way he lies to himself (”I don’t feel guilty” while he’s self-harming, eg); the way his feminine beauty is emphasized both as an asset and a source of trauma; his hardcore repression; his pursuit of a utopia; the way his dream of a utopia is ultimately framed as stemming from a desire to escape from a harsh reality; his guilt and self-loathing; the emotional vulnerability that occasionally seeps through the cracks in his mask; self-destructiveness; the irony of becoming a monster because he already erroneously sees himself as one; trying to escape his feelings of love because they’re devastating and life-ruining… ok I need to stop at some point here.

And god griffguts like. The aformentioned dude being torn between the thing he values most in life and his love for another dude - fucking love that. Destroying his life because of that love. “How long ago did someone I was supposed to have in hand… instead gain such a strong hold on me” is like a summarization of my absolute favourite romance dynamic where feelings + emotional vulnerability reverses the expected power dynamic. Epic misunderstandings stemming from strong characterization - like I understand why Guts left, why he didn’t explain himself to Griffith, why Griffith threw his life away after that, why Griffith chose to sacrifice him, and it’s so satisfying because it makes perfect sense from a character standpoint. I love that kind of romantic tragedy, 2 people fucking up due to their own tragic flaws. And the potential they had - like the reason it’s a tragedy is because they could’ve been so perfect together. Guts wanted someone to look at him, someone who loved him and admired him and needed him, and that was Griffith. And Griffith wanted someone to know him, even the parts he himself hates, and love him anyway, and that was Guts.

Like they’re positioned as each others’ positive alternatives to their destructive dreams, but due to their respective issues and insecurities they end up losing that relationship in favour of pursuing those dreams. It’s perfect.

And like I mentioned, reading it as romantic pining just makes the story better. It fits into the theme of trauma getting between them and ruining their potential, it fits into the sense of lost potential for a mutually fulfilling relationship, it fits into the way the tragedy comes not from their intense feelings for each other but from their failure to define and act on them, it fits into the way the misunderstanding that separates them is literally just both dudes failing to realize their feelings for the other are mutual and returned:

Guts:

Griffith:

Griffith:

Guts (literally remembering the exact same scene Griffith is remembering):

It’s Just. So. Good. I can’t get enough of this. I’ve never read a tragic romance more satisfying than the first 2 arcs of Berserk.

Anyway thank you for giving me the opportunity to ramble at length about this lol.

[skythief]

Analyzing Sheith, with a dash of discourse.

unoriginaltoast

replied to your post

“Cordially inviting any and all anti’s to come at me bro Whether it be...”

Can I just add, that many antis throw around the word "pedophilia" and first of all, that's a disgusting accusation to make of someone imagining FICTIONAL characters in a relationship. And second, it does not apply. Like the literal definition does not apply. Would a 25 year old with a 17 year old be cool IRL? Probably not but it's not pedophilia and it's also FUCKING FICTION JFC. God I wish I had the time to worry about what fictional characters people shipped.

Sorry for that brick I just have been wanting to say that for so long, hope you have a spectacular, wonderful, idiot free day <3

You may definitely add that. I certainly forgot to. 

It really depends heavily on context for that 17-25 thing. It depends on the relationship and maturity levels of the two people in question. I know there are 25 year olds that are still running around this site screaming about “problematic ships” like its the fucking plague. And then there are people in my life who grew up in drug houses, who struggle because their families entire line of poor credit, bad choices, substance abuse and felonies makes it nearly impossible for them to get jobs and basic debit/credit cards, who dug around in dumpsters for food during their childhood-- and you can bet they grew up incredibly fast, and incredibly hard. 

Biology plays a part in it to a degree too-Female brains tend to fully develop ages 16-25? (dont cite me on this, im just going off of memory) and for male brains I think they finish developing around like, 18/22-30??? I’d have to look it up again, but you get my point.

Theres a lot of factors that go into play- The maturity levels of the individuals themselves, and the actually Nature of the relationship itself, I think.

Lets take Sheith, for example. 

We have seen maturity and selflessness exhibited in both individuals; Both of them have had to go through very hard experiences; Keith being an orphan with abandonment issues, yet still carries some incredibly strong morals and a fierce love for people and a desire to protect others.; Shiro has been enslaved, amputated and experimented upon, and forced to perform in bloody, gruesome, arena’s. He’s been through Hell, and still he has retained a sense of calm, patience, and compassion. 

So we know from this that they’re both plenty mature enough-- But what about the nature of their relationship?

Honestly I think this one of the most healthy ships out there for the sheer amount of love and compassion and respect between the two, even without picking apart just how well they compliment each other. 

Again, starting with Keith; This is a highly individualized person that does not like authority. He’s not going to want to feel like he has to explain himself to anyone or meet anyones arbitrary standards; Does not like, and possibly feels threatened by rules and restrictions as that threatens his ability to do his own thing. He makes his own rules for himself and his own personal values to which he will adhere strictly. He’s intelligent, but it’s shown and seen through his actions-- Not explained through word of mouth, and most likely never will be. Trust and abandonment issues, as well as his orphaning, may lead him to difficulties communicating with others, being vulnerable, and expressing emotions or showing weakness, making him a very secretive, private person, that most likely finds both comfort and fear in Isolation. Comfort, because no one can hurt you, and you can sort everything out yourself and have complete control when you’re alone; Fear, because it’s very easy to keep isolating yourself and never stop, even though you want, like, and need people in your life, but may be hesitant to go to them for fear of getting hurt or abandoned, especially if you reveal your softer, more unprotected sides. Keith, as a character, may even be scared of his feelings. 

One of these belongs to every paladin okay, thats all I’m sayin’. 

In conclusion, Keith is a very private, lonely person with a history of trust issues stemming from abandonment and a dislike for authority, making him not the easiest person to get along with.  He needs someone who will have the patience and respect that will allow Keith to open himself up to them on his own highly secretive terms, someone who is open minded, patient, and understanding, in order to understand someone as rare and unconventional as Keith (He’s not exactly going to come with an owners manual or introductory pamphlet y’know?). He needs to feel safe, comfortable, and not judged by a person in order to place so much trust, value, safety and security with them. If someone tries inauthentic, underhanded, or forceful means of manipulating someone like Keith into anything, you know Keith won’t be having it. 

Shiro is kind of the epitome of all of these traits, and we don’t just see him using them to understand Keith, but we see him using them to understand other members of his team as well (like Pidge or Allura). Once Shiro has a good understanding of someone, he waits until an appropriate, non-threatening time arises in order to build his team members up, give them advice, solace, or whatever he thinks they may need that he can give them. He uses a very open, friendly, safe, respectful and non-threatening communication style in order to build up people around him; This is an incredibly rare and beautiful kind of person, imo, at least in Shiro’s case, because we can see how very dedicated he is to doing this, and that he makes it one of his biggest priorities. 

This makes him pretty great for Keith, but there are plenty of reasons why Keith is great for Shiro too.

From episode one, from Keiths very introductory sequence, we see him caring, for and sacrificing for Shiro-- Going out of his way to make sure Shiro is safe at all times, or backing him up; Whether it be in or out of Voltron, Keith is literally Shiro’s right hand man. Keiths love for Shiro is very similar for Shiros’ love for Keith;  It is a respectful, kind, and appreciative, thankful kind of love. It is built on and never runs out of trust, and only seeks to lift the other up, and make sure the other is okay, without breaching any boundaries. 

Shiro, from his iron devotion and love for others, strikes me as the type of person that forgets to take care of himself, in lieu of others and their importance, valuing it over his own. Keith, being a very confident, straight forward, and protective person, is perfect for Shiro in that he can and will make sure Shiro does get the self-care he needs, but without threatening or stomping upon Shiros virtues, or his mission. Shiro, for all his dad-jokes and stereotypes, honestly might need the child harness more than Keith does for his sheer scary-levels of willingness to sacrifice himself, like he means nothing- Or at the very least, nothing in comparison to others. Shiro, just like Keith, doesn’t know when to stop and take a break if others don’t make him/tell him too. And even then, Shiro might not understand or believe it, simply because war and soldier-trauma is like this. 

Shiro needs someone who is confident, straight forward, and strong enough to take care of Shiro as Shiro takes care of others. He needs someone who will be considerate and kind to him when no one thinks to be, or knows to be. He needs someone who will keep a close eye on him and watch and listen for when he’s breaking, when he needs help, whether he knows it or not-- He needs someone who will be aware of just how much Shiro himself may not know it too. And he needs someone who will do this genuinely, authentically, respectfully, and patiently. Issues like these are incredibly painful for both parties to go through, and they may never heal. A spouse who deals with this may have to come to accept this as never-changing, and to do that... Takes so much genuine love and self-sacrifice? It’s both heart-wrenching and beautiful, as it is a gruesome reality. It’s not sexy, cute, or fun-- It’ cold and it’s harsh and to persevere in your attentive care of someone in spite of such hard issues, especially when coupled with things like PTSD, is about as Real as you can get.

The reason Keith fits this bill perfectly? Is because we already see him doing this for Shiro in canon. 

We see it in anytime Keith flings himself into action in order to save shiro, whether it’s well-thought out or not. We see it in his respect, adherence, and boundaries. We see it in how he trusts Shiro to keep throwing himself into battle and come back to him, amidst a respectful but attentive observance of his person, his space, his wishes and his safety. In Keith we see he’s developed his own very deep and respectful understanding of Shiro and how he works, just as Shiro has developed an understanding of Keith-- they both know each others strengths and weaknesses, and give each other trust and patience. 

Like, I really can’t think of a more healthy relationship yo. Fuck ages man, these two are good for each other, these two honestly keep each other sane and safe, and uplift the other, they have a rock solid understanding of the other, and their wants, needs, strengths and weaknesses, and they communicate in succinct, blunt, non-threatening ways build on trust. Even if they disagree or say harsh things to each other (Like Shiro reprimanding Keith for reprimanding Pidge, “That’s not how a team works.”, or giving him criticism. Or Keith pleading with Shiro in his BOM-nightmares.), they do not stay mad or hold grudges, which tells me that they never assume bad intent of the other either, even though it would be very easy to. 

My god like theres so much healthy shit in this ship it’s actually hard to cover everything, they both exhibit so much. 

Overall I really think like the last thing I’m worried about with these two is fucking AGE y’know? Clearly theyre mature enough to take care of each other; Does anyone really think either of these people would abuse the other? Because I certainly don’t. It wouldn’t just be wrong, it’d be completely out of character. Keith and Shiro simply care, value, and love each other too much for that. 

Feel free to add to this, if you’d like.

[2centsofsilver]

12/27/17 “The Mark” after Mike’s game .25mg

“I don’t believe in that stuff.” -Mom “What?” -Me “Blamig something for something else.” -Mom

(In reference to where problems stem -- i.e. Me asking my parents what types of events transpired in 2006 that led to our relationship troubles now.)

“If a person spends all their time thinking about that then they’re not living their life.” -Mom (In reference to me trying to connect the dots) ----------------------- 2am conversation with Natasha: ME: (segments from the convo): “I have learned so much about c-ptsd. This book is phenomenal. A second book came today and my mom asked if they were school books and I said yes. If I could leave tomorrow I would but I have the third book arriving Friday. But they're absolutely nuts Natasha. Like the things they say and the things that have happened being home for 5 days now. They've been so bad. And I blame myself fully for nearly everything.” Natasha’s Question: “What have you talked about with Amy regarding your role or you contributing to their bullshit? Bc I always can picture you saying things that they react to and get mad about and the things you might say are true though lol. Are these fights about similar things from your past? Things that might be triggers even more so than usual?” Me: “Idk if this is what you mean or not for your first question (?) but 1 thing I'm trying to explain to her is that I really don't blame them entirely and that I wholeheartedly (really truly though) believe I'm at equal fault for all our past and current issues because I can't keep my mouth shut and am actually a huge bitch who often initiates conflict by bringing things up or responding rudely or being sarcastic in their presence because that's what happens when I cannot stand being around them. And I am at just as much fault for all the raging fights because I'm screaming at them loud AF too, calling them names and swearing, etc etc. But she says "That's exactly what emotional abusers want victims to think is that they're at fault." But I don't think she gets it. Idk. In these books it blames the parents sooooo much. And I'm not sure that applies in my situation. Like I really truly believe I'm a terrible daughter. I just feel that I literally am at fault for all our problems because I initiate a lot of the fights. And I drag them on too. I talk back to my dad in rage and then immediately hate myself for hurting his feelings, etc. I just can't stand the idea of blaming them entirely and ‘being off the hook.’ My parents constantly think it's ‘deplorable’ (one of their fave words) that I talk negatively about them at all, that I'd even dream of blaming them for ANYTHING because ‘they're good parents’ and ‘care about us so much’ and I agree that they are and they do. Like I'm not innocent ever. I turn into such a monster during our fights. Like such a fucking bitch. I say terrible things and I hurt their feelings but it's 100% all out of defensiveness, trying to protect myself from getting hurt by what's inevitably to come.” Then in response to her saying she’s glad Mike was so supportive: “Mike was super supportive yeah! I waited till he got home the other night at like 3am and I told him and he listened and he was like ‘Idk why you thought it was such a big deal to tell me’ and he hugged me lol and he also agreed that we under no circumstance can tell mom and dad lol” Me: “Brb going downstairs for water because my dad turned off the water upstairs (such a story, holy fuck). Like literally the largest issues that happened these last 5 days were: -The FB post -The water -The cookies -Finances and just, every little thing they lose their fucking shit over is the exact reason why I cannot tell them about school. The water is a great example. And the FB post tenfold.” REGARDING my Physical Pain: “I gained like an embarrassing amount of weight since the Savannah/Max/Gabe thing. Like I have been eating atrociously. And I'm well aware of it, except I have convinced myself I gave myself diabetes because of what I'm experiencing in my body. My legs and arms are constantly prickly and going numb all day long. I get these terrifying spiky pains behind my calves which I always have feared are blood clots but idk. I get a terrible pressure pain in my hand all the way up to my shoulder that drives me insane. But worst of all, about 2 weeks ago I came down with back-breaking pain. It's in my front pelvis bone (like the tip top of my thighs), deep within both hips, in my ass, specifically the sacral area, and my low back. It's so fucking bad and it came out of no where. I believe I have gained so much weight that my lower extremeties cannot take it. I havent actually checked my weight but I'm terrified I'm at 400. I can't even believe I'm telling you this. I cant even tell myself this. It's also possible I'm no where near that number and have created this all in my head. But I'm also scared I'm diabetic because of the nerve issues and idk what to do. Amy believes in intuitive eating and I'm starting one of her programs in January. I was supposed to be in it currently but I missed a ton of sessions because of depression. She does not understand that in waiting for this intuitive health program to start, I'm actually neglecting my current weight and health issues. It's the same situation as the c-ptsd. In waiting for me to experience long-term results, we've neglected current relationship issues that I'm convinced had we addressed as they were happening, I could have mended current lost friendships in the Savannah/Max/Gabe situation. But yeah, terrified about the pain. Cannot sit still. Cannot walk without pain, can't roll over in bed. Sitting and laying down is agony as is standing and walking. I am ready to start something like 21 day fix again and get a gym membership but Amy is stressing this Hungerwise program and blah blah blah and I have no doubt it's miraculous and works. It's just. I am ready to start now with something a bit more hardcore and I'm afraid that if we keep waiting and taking a slower mindfulness approach to all this, I'm literally putting my life at stake.” ON THE BOOKS/HOCKEY GAME TONIGHT: "’Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA’ I've been carrying it around in my purse all day, room to room. I also went to mike's game tonight where my parents would not sit with me, talk to me, stand with me. It made me so anxious that I asked my mom for the keys so I could leave and come back. She said no and turned her back on me. So I went over to a corner and sat on a bench alone and read the book with my highlighter but like hid the cover the entire time. Also some hockey moms there tonight who I don't remember/have never met/have no idea who they were approached me excitedly like ‘HEYYYY you're at U of M getting your Masters in Social Work!!!! How do you like Ann Arbor?!?!?!’ I just looked at this one lady and was like, ‘it's great.’ God the hockey thing was such a nightmare tonight. Everything about it. I absolutely HATE when my parents continuously walk away from me in front of people they know. Like they always walk ahead of me and away from me. Like walking into the ice arena I didn't wanna be left behind and they walked way up ahead and then my mom didn't hold the door open and just kept walking away from me while she went from parent to parent talking to everyone acting all excited to see everyone. And in watching my mother's inability to socialize/naturally interact with other hockey moms, I just couldn't stand to be there myself. Trying to partake in the circles of conversations while both my parents ignored me entirely. On the occasion a hockey mom asked me about U of M, my parents would get these huge fake ass smiles like boasting me, is that the word? And if I'd try and stand by my mom she'd just abruptly turn away. Like why did they even bring me if that's what it was gonna be? And what was I supposed to do the whole time? I had so much anxiety and felt so uncomfortable because already there were tons of people, tons of Mike's old friends. I even tried to talk to my dad like small talk and he wouldn't talk back.”