#Bruce cant cook

[razzledazzle0]

cooking

Tim sliding a picture across the table to Jason: I want you to shoot this guy in the leg

Jason:...that's just you?

Tim: I know, Bruce is trying to get me to try his cooking

Jason taking out his gun and loading it: understandable

[bruciemilf]

would Johnny Cage become a rogue if left in Gotham unattended for more than a day, or would he pretend to be an old buddy of Brucie Wayne?

Bold of yall to assume they don't know eachother

[outofcontextdiscord]

[the-stove-is-divorced]

Hello! Just discovered you tumblr account so I thought I'd take the opportunity to ask a question if you don't mind.

Do you have headcanons about Bruce's ability to cook? Some say he burns water on the stove, others say he's a five-star cook but what do you think?

(Then there's this heartbreaking version I read once. It's about how Bruce actually just mimics failure in the kitchen because Alfred used to be a bad cook himself. The two would learn side by side and that was pretty much the only time they spent together, so Bruce would sabotage their recipes to squeeze out more time with Alfred. That backfired though because Alfred declared him useless in the kitchen and from then on just forbade Bruce to cook because he would find a way to 'burn water on the stove'. And since Bruce never voiced his desire for parental attention but did this sabotage tactic instead, he knows that revealing this to Alfred would devastate him, so he simply messes up anything he cooks intentionally from then on.

:((((( I'm unwell, your honor.)

( ´ ▽ ` ).｡ｏ♡ OMG tysm for the ask!!! I love rambling, I don't mind at all!!! ♡♡♡ I absolutely have headcanons about Bruce and cooking, omg! I personally loathe the (popular, I believe?) headcanon he can't cook because that never made sense to me! (」＞＜)」 Mister overthinking, contingency planning, kind of paranoia can't cook? Ridiculous. You're telling me the guy who trained to be a vigilante, never learned how to cook a meal properly? The guy raised by Alfred? HOW??? o(>< )o Firmly in the Bruce can Cook and Cook Well camp.

I think one way of bonding for Bruce and Alfred was cooking. Firmly believe Bruce got some of his bad direct communication issues from Alfred, so while they struggled to show appreciation/affection verbally, bonding over cooking/meals/snacks etc was very common!

Plus, no one can't tell me Bruce wasn't the MOST curious kid. People watcher and avid book consumer, if there was a task existing in this world, he wants to know how you did it. Absolutely would help Alfred in the kitchen.

As Bruce got older, they would tackle trickier and trickery recipes and desserts! Nice sense of accomplishment, and again, really fun bonding for the both of them! They can cook and bake together pretty smoothly! Had their fun little chats, talked about their days, little jokes and the like.

Usually, Alfred enjoys cooking alone but Bruce? That's his son right there! Come join him in the kitchen this instant. Enjoying each other's company while they talk, or Bruce works on a case, or even younger Bruce doing homework??? Peak pleasant afternoons.

PLUS: Alfred also really enjoys cooking for Bruce, no matter how old either of them get. I think it could be fun teasing if Alfred called Bruce "bad" at cooking, when in reality he's good at it (largely because of Alfred) but just so happens do it exclusively with him, especially when considering how busy he can be, so the batkids never really get to see him to cook could come to that assumption.

BONUS IDEA: Bruce helping Alfred meal-prep at least once a week, and that's when they can chat the most! Usually very early in the morning so hardly anyone's awake!

Most self indulgent HC tho? In my heart and soul Bruce helps make the kid's lunches. Maybe puts notes in them. But it's Bruce, so stuff like "You did well on patrol" and "Looking forward to [insert upcoming event like a school showcase or parent teacher conference]." The kids can assume Alfred makes them, and Bruce writes the notes, but no, it's Bruce at like 4 in the morning.

That and while Bruce used to be a pickier eater as a kid/teen/young adult, once he did his whole Batman training, he forces himself to be able to eat anything even if he doesn't like it, but Alfred still keeps track of his favorite foods. I am a Bruce will indulge in a sugary sweet treat truther. It's a rare event but he is absolutely delighted by sweets. No one knows this like Alfred, though.

AND OOOO that's such a fun angst idea! Personally, I believe younger Bruce was too much of a perfectionist to sabotage himself in the kitchen (in my head, for Alfred, cooking/teaching Bruce how to cook was the easiest ways to spend time with the child post-parent death so it started when he was rlly young), but I think that can be fun too! I love a good angst idea, and the lack of communication skills and misunderstandings? Hell yeah.

Thank you so much for the ask, I love talking and rambling and stuff, haha! ( 〃▽〃) I have so many opinions about Bruce. Too many.

[hauntingblue]

Khoa with ibs would be so funny. He looks so high maintenance picking foods that don't upset his tummy just might fit

[martyrbat]

[ID: a panel of Bruce Wayne holding a frying pan by the handle as he wears a fitting pink shirt. He's looking down at Clark Kent, who's in a button up green shirt and is sitting at Bruce's kitchen table while holding a mug. There's a carton of milk and an empty plate on the table in front of him as Clark tentatively waits to be given Bruce's (cooked) eggs. Bruce is smirking smugly while Clark is rightfully skeptical. END ID]

[haveihitanerve]

Dad How Do I but with Bruce Wayne.

Bruce who teaches life advice- showing kids how to tie a tie, how to tie their shoes, braid their hair, teaching young adults to do taxes, to surf, the best lawyers to hire when in trouble, how to avoid scams, he educates the less fortunate on the best places to get free food, where to go in Wayne Enterprises for a hot shower and some toiletries, how to eat at formal functions so the higher elite have one less thing to criticize them on. He teaches people how to do card tricks and make your niece laugh by pulling out a quarter from behind her ear, teaches moms how to rock their baby to sleep properly, teaches teens to do front flips and cartwheels and calculus, educates them on how to write job applications and two weeks notice letters. He teaches people to sew, to cook(alfred helps) to assemble an IKEA shelf, how to work a lawn mower, and all sorts of different things. And when his son dies… Bruce uses his account to share his grief, his story, shares everything about Jason, what a delight he was, how awesome he was, how much he loved to read and school… and then one day, he gets Batman to join a video. And the hero is stiff and everyone can see the exhaustion, the anger and sadness in his joints, his movements, radiating off him. But he sits down heavily into the chair Bruce Wayne had previously vacated… and begins to speak. He tells the story of Robin, his young child sidekick, who just like Jason Wayne, was murdered by the Joker. He tells everyone how his little boy tried to save Jason Todd, and how they both perished in the aftermath. He tells people about his grief, his anger, and why Batman is suddenly harsher and hurts more. “Because I hurt more.” he confesses quietly, and the people finally get to meet the man behind the mask (figuratively) and truly get to see who their hero really is. The account’s popularity skyrockets, and soon Batman is a lot more common to be seen, teaching people how to defend themselves and handle the Batarangs he knows they collect after he fights. Nightwing shows up too sometimes, teaching more elegant flips and tricks and they demonstrate their workout together, and a few months later, Batman shyly introduces his new Robin, same messy black hair as the one before, but slightly smaller, and theres something… more behind those lenses in his mask. But the kid is soon a fan favorite, making sarcastic comments and countering Nightwings witty remarks, and the people get to see a new side of Batman, get to watch as he rolls his eyes at them, as he uses them to teach people how to disguise themselves, ways to use clothes to stem blood, tie tourniquets. 

Then Red Hood returns. And a kid in Crime Alley catches him cursing at his jacket because a button fell off and he cant get it back on. “Um! Mr. Red Hood sir?” the kid pipes anxiously. Red Hood turns to him, angry, but the kid doesn't back down and just goes “You should watch ‘Mr. Wayne How Do I: Sewing’ it'll help.” and then he scampers off. And Jason is pissed and even more angry because of course while he was dead Bruce decides to become a father to everyone in Gotham. But he watches the video. And it helps. And… well, its one of the older videos. And Jason finds another old video. The one about… the one about his death. It shouldn't make his anger lessen, shouldn't make him cry, shouldn't bring him to Bruce’s doorstep where he reveals himself and they hug and cry and catch up and cry some more… but it does. 

Gothamites are a little surprised when their local Crime Lord appears on the channel, standing right next to Batman. Surprised, but pleased. Because Batman looks happy in a way he hasn't in a long time and well… Red Hood watched out for them too. And now their two protectors are working together.

[frownyalfred]

GOD BRUCE PUTTING UP WITH HIS DIET BECAUSE OF HIS KIDS!!!!!!!! I CANT I NEED TO BE SEDATED

I just imagine the batkids poking fun of Bruce here and there about the disgusting smoothies he always drinks not understanding that it's all for THEM

Like AS IF he would ever push his diet for them, I remember that one panel where dick is eating chips and Bruce is smiling saying to Alfred that he likes it and its all he'll eat

That man wants his kids to be happy and he's probably so glad that Jason (the closest one to his body type) knows how to cook, bake, and hates his smoothies, he'll never eat like Bruce

“I am Batman (so you don’t have to be).”

[imjustdelusionalok]

yandere dc: meeting camgirl! reader <3 pt. 2

Yuppp, this is the part two of my previous post <33 but this time she'll be meeting the rest of the batboys and kon! (reminder she has met some of them even from before!!)

if you get into the 'terry mcginnis' part and is confused on who he is, watch batman beyond bc hes the new batman and its sooo good and hes underrated <3

Anywho here it isss

BIG warning: this may more or less have the same amount of clownery as the last one so prepare my sweets and also my brain is fried so some parts might not make sense but i tried😔💔 please repost to support me i spent sm timee 😭

tim drake aka 'red robin':

Also one of your most biggest and creepiest faithful fans that you've ever had in your stream!

Hes a frequent donor AND victim to your relentless charms just like jason and dick.

Has met you before you decided to even become a cam girl, as you two both go to the same school AND classes too 🥰 (he may or may have not gotten bruce to manipulate the principal or some higher up into changing classes...)

he's like a lovesick highschool student who developed a crush, but this time more extreme.

While you on the otherhand, saw a weird looking boy staring at you with the most fullest smile you've ever seen. toothy, cheshire grin, and all-- (he ran away almost IMMEDIATELY when you saw him)

(...you also chased after him when he ran 💀 he was shooked, but stops once your hand grabs his shoulder and you ask him who he was)

"You >:D i saw you looking at me, who are you >:)"

...my, he never knew you were this bold... you really need to stop being so cute or your further fueling his delusions i swear--

You shake him. "Ow- okay-- my name's Tim--"

You then smile and drag a stunned but intrigued timothy with you.

...Are you perhaps some social butterfly, darling?...

From that moment on, tim's interest in you increases and a friendship between you and him bloomed! Hes so proud of himself for making the first move even though you did it first...

(Again, dont ask how darling lives in bludhaven, but meets tim and jason whose in gotham 💀 either think of her as having teleportation powers being the reason for the frequent back-and-forths or tim being so obssessed, he moves in bludhaven just to see reader--)

When i said creepy, i said c r e e p y. Even worse than klarion, thaddeus, and even dick who i said before was on another level 😦

Tim is both sweet, nervous, and shy... or at least, is how he shows himself for you.

he must look decent for you or how else would he make you reciprocate his feelings?

He's capable of changing in a blink of an eye so anybody who isn't his beloved, dont test him, okay? <3

He sits in the back with darling in class. In the back. You heard me.

Normally he'd be in the front to be able to see and listen better, but darling is a slacker so--

He sighs, looking at his rushed and poorly written notes. He doesnt even know what the topic is anymore, and it kinda looks like hieroglyphics--

Meanwhile, you on the otherhand, was cooking instant noodles with the others... with a pot AND a stove... D: (he loves you but damn he wants to cry rlly bad on how screwed you two are--)

As for the part where he finds out about your part-time job as a cam girl, this man was seething.

No honey, not at you, but at your parents-- how could they let their beautiful daughter do this?! Do they even care?!-- oh? What was that, darling?... Your parents were gone? i guess that explains it...

proceeds to feel bad for you, and wishes to look after you. But you being you, you remain so hardheaded. Why cant you let him love you?? why cant you quit that stupid job?! >:( (hes a bit hypocritical on this one since he literally donates thus further fueling you to go on)

Sigh... nevertheless, he realizes a bit that he can't persuade someone like you for now, so he donates in your live like the good friend he is...

Yeah, 'good friend'...

In the darkness of his room, he watches with unblinking eyes the way your body moves on his screen. You look so enticing, the way a bit of pink colors your cheeks, how every moan you give were light and breathy... simply fantastic. He sighs.

"Oh baby... what am i going to do with you?... <3"

Yandere rating: 100% on money, 38% for nuisance, 70% for humor (80% as red robin)

⋆˚✿˖°

conner kent aka 'superboy':

Ah yes, another top donor and one of your most perverted watchers out there.

Cocky, rebellious, womanizing... doll, you're just another girl for him to use in order to piss off tim since he loves pushing that man's patience so much.

Has probably met you through him too, as this man follows his best friend that has been, in his eyes, acting a bit too strange lately.

And he now knows why. You.

thinks you're absolutely adorable. the way you act out of impulse to the way you speak so brazenly to him, intrigues the kryptonian so much.

Hm, your going to be so much fun to play with <3

But unfortunately, the boy of steel did not know who he was up against.

"...Doll, what did you just say?--" it was 8 at night and he was in his best attire holding a bouquet of flowers. Not just your average red roses, but a well-thought out blend of daffodils, carnations, and tulips. just for you.

But right now, you're breaking his heart.

"Yeah Kon, i love you but no. i'm not dating you. Sorry."

...you don't have the right to say you love him.

"a-and why can't we date?--" he was so confused, these months spent trying to court you, all wasted.

"erm... im not interested, kon. yeah you're hot and you support me and all, but im gonna be honest with you... you're not my type. and plus..."

he feels his heart break even more when you continue.

"...I'm interested in someone. I've known them for so long Kon, and i would hurt them if i get with you."

...

"...sorry." you run away.

things with kon has never felt the same since. he no longer visits tim just to see you, only him. he ignores you too, not even a single glance being spared. but you swear you could feel cold blue eyes watching your figure sometimes...

...and then that happens. you see a message notification from him. conner.

'im sorry if i made things awkward between us. forgive me, doll? :('

your thumb hovered whether or not to answer. you made your decision.

'kay. wanna play dti? :3'

he's so glad you cant see him right now... crying pure tears of joy, and complete relief that you took the bait.

'okay :)'

just because he got rejected by you once that doesnt mean he's immediately gonna back down <33 and about that boy you like, who was it? can't you tell him and he'll give a quick visit to the very lucky guy...

Yandere rating: 100% on money, 49% for nuisance, 80% for humor (95% as superboy)

ᯓᡣ𐭩

damian wayne aka 'robin':

...knows the guy that you like.

he's genuinely angry at you, but mostly at your taste.

seriously, him? why not him instead...

frequently donates money and is also very dedicated in line.

(to save you trouble, most of the batfam is a big fan to you and are often your biggest donors. they wish to stop you from pursuing such a... scandalous, line of work but cant help but further support you the more they give money and get addicted to the content you make 😞💔)

discovered you on accident when a certain someone, *cough* tim, *cough* left their computer on without closing the tabs.

you cannot simply imagine the sheer shock that painted his face during that time, seeing someone, you, getting it on with another guy that seems all too familiar.

...and he cant help but get angry. (you'll all understand soon enough why he and kon hates reader's man and possible bf sm 😭)

meeting you face to face... thats a whole situation. tim immediately regrets bringing damian to see you because this man already went off on how much of a 'hoe', you are.

you can take a lot of things, but this boy rubs you off wrong.

"seriously, drake? your new friend is a prostitute? you drew the line making friends with that kryptonian clone, but this takes the cak--"

*slap.*

...that hurts. damian's hand slowly makes its way up to his cheek, where the red was starting to spring.

he looks at you like you were mad. you are, thanks to him. "...you... you little---"

he was held back by an angry but calmer kon despite being also insulted, whilst tim holds you comfortably.

"hey don't listen to damian over there, alright? :( he's just a bit--"

"I'm speaking facts here!-- hmpfh!" a hand covers his mouth.

"seriously tim, does he ever shut his mouth?" kon says.

he huffs. "no. and that's why i was considering bringing duct tape earlier, Kon."

...okay, maybe his first impression forever got him labelled as a bitch in your eyes, but damian tries to make it up to you in any way he can since he actually finds you decent after getting to know you. (think of those asian parents that after scolding you till you cry, they give you food but instead money in damian's version)

"...ahem."

no response.

"...AHEM."

you finally look up at him, and a bag was thrown straight at your face. "you stupid ass-- wait a minute." you look inside the bag and it was filled with... money.

you look up at damian, only to see his figure quickly dashing off and hide behind a wall where he would secretly try and take a peek for your reaction. you smile and give a thumbs up.

"...you aren't that bad, but try shutting your mouth most of the time, okay? :3 <3"

...the green in his eyes glinted... and he scoffs. typical damian wayne.

"...sure, prozzy-- HEY STOP CRYING--"

fierce but protective. rude but caring. that is what damian is towards you.

and that is how he'll always be as long as that man is around...

"i'll be with you. and i shall do everything in my power to ensure you do not end up with him!--" too late.

Yandere rating: 100% on money, 25% for nuisance, 78% for humor (89% as robin)

ִֶָ࣪☾.𔘓

terry mcginnis aka 'batman beyond':

...is the man that kon, damian, and the others have beef with.

how he's part of the main timeline in this is that all of the events before batman beyond happens earlier. (i also tweaked a few things in canon here so dont mind me)

terry's dad died before the entire 'Powers' situation, leading to Terry living with his mom earlier.

...terry also suffers from something.

at a young age, terry cannot feel any sort of emotions. remorse, empathy, such things were removed from him. he could only feel empty, comparable to having a large gaping hole inside his chest instead of a beating heart.

the boy ponders why he was cursed with such a thing, and why he could only feel pity and sadness. just a little.

...he thought he was unsavable. until--

his eyes lands on you, the girl who was playing on the playground's swing. (note: darling used to live in gotham as a kid)

...he gulps. pretty...

"you there, what's your name?" you asked. always the first one to make a move...

...and you sound nice.

"hm? well? :3"

...he decided to speak. "...terry. i'm terry... you?..."

you smile. "they call me (name), pretty right?" he could only nod. yes, it was very pretty...

i think everybody could guess how things go from then on.

he meets you, grows up with you, falls in love with you, and in the end lives happily with you... if only it weren't for his tendency to maim just about anyone who gets near you.

he's a dog, honey. but he's your rabid, vicious dog.

by the time he grows up, he's learned how to hide what he truly is from you, and the terry that we all come to know and love is now here.

charming, witty, humorous... terry mcginnis is nothing but an amorous boy for you... and you love it. (u match his freak sm)

in his eyes, you two are together <3 and its not even a lie you two are but you're too much in denial since you firmly believe he deserves better :( (tho thoughts like that dissapear when he and you yk ;))

absolutely hates it when you spend time with anyone, especially with his adopted siblings. dick, jason, tim, and damian? fuck no. (if you read the batman beyond comics, those two despise each other--)

...so expect those two to be at each other's necks.

and about the cam girl part, yup, this man knows. and like tim, he tries to persuade you to stop. you're a complicated person, he knows. either for money or fun, you do crazy shit like this every time... but this one's really serious.

"...look at me." you obey, eyes staring back at ocean blue ones. terry's eyes were always so pretty...

"...hehe, pretty eyed as ever, mcginnis..." and he can't help but smile slightly at your words.

"..." damn you, really. his soft spot for you is huge, and 99% of the time, you get off the hook easily.

in the end, he might have allowed you to do this... 'artist' stuff, but on one condition:

he gets to f*ck you on some parts.

you blink, cheeks starting to redden. "...what--" and just like that, your fate is sealed <3

...currently, you were on Live. the rest of your boy toys watched with envious yet very heated gazes as your pussy was getting demolished by his dick. the close up shots were so unnecessary, the way he roughly pummels into you was so--

'$10000 from GR4YS0N_68'

'GR4YS0N_68: ugh yea terry ruin that little bitches cunt'

terry grins, feeling you getting closer. the position you and him were in was perfect, babe... perfect for a pic.

his strong hand gently but firmly grabs your jaw, making you face the camera.

he whispers to you so closely."smile for the camera, sweetie."

you oblige, a broken smile on your lips. the stream abruptly ends.

no need for the public to know what you both are doing in private anymore...

Yandere rating: 100% on money, 0.0001% for nuisance, 90% for humor (100% as batman beyond)

(finally its finished 🤕 i have so many unfinished works huhu....)

(update: ill also try editing this too <3)

[cassi-llusion]

I need every batfam content creator on tiktok to actually pick up a comic. Like the amount of misinformation and just bad characterization of every character is driving me insane.

like babes, it’s not that hard to NOT take WFA as gospel and understand that it’s purely fanon.

abusive dad bruce wayne truthers you are my opp and read a fucking comic.

Nightwing cant cook truthers you are my opp. Coffee addict Tim truthers you are my opp.

every person who claims to understand Jason Todd and then blatantly mischaracterize his dad and Jason’s entire character development, you are my biggest opponent. Read a comic thats not Red Hood and the Outlaws.

[jessoloslemons]

Idk how to explain this but:

John Dory: Cooks. Doesnt bake. Can, but won't

Bruce: Bakes. Can't cook (Brandy does the cooking), never tried learning again after he almost blew up their restaurant

Clay: Can cook. Can bake. Likes cooking better

Floyd: cant cook and bake for shit

Branch: Can cook and bake, likes baking better [for Poppy]

[i-yap]

Hi there! LOVE your thoughts on Jason like truly i <3 clingy Jason!!!!! What do you think a relationship would be like between Jason and a corporate baddie? Like she's serious, career-driven, and almost viciously ambitious, but for him? a total softie!! Like they just melt for each other despite the fact that they both put up a tough exterior to others!!

Omg i love that , here are my headcanons -

Jason todd x corporate baddie!y/n

I think the time schedules would be a mess. She works 9-5 and he 'works' 9pm-5am. But since she is a really career driven woman, I can see her sort of completing her extra or personal work/ international calls etc from the time that jason is vigilanting and therefore cutting her shift from like 9-3 or something similar. Since she gets all her work done, no one can say a word and honestly no one would dare to either way. Relstionship is about compromise and I think jason will cut down his vigilante time to get home to his stressed worker bee.

Jason prolly cant sleep without her so while she is at her job, he is working out or doing his other stuff. They catch up on sleep after her shift . This means afternoon cuddles !!( Ofc I am firm believer that jason should with time leave crime fighting and become an English professor )

I also love how most of her coworkers thinks she is prolly dating a Submissive type of guy or like a really serious professional dude cause she is so scary and strict . But then Jason- 6 feet something, huge asf, leather jacket, tattoos(maybe) and motorcycle dude walks in bringing her lunchbox( that looks so tiny in his hand). Yea now they're even more scared.

And I think everyone from jason's side also assumed that he'd either get a super cute-sy girl that will "fix him" or another vigilante girl that'll " make him worse". But he walks in with this poised, smart hardworking no nonsense woman and everyone's like DAMN

Damian loves you probably. He doesn't get how todd wooed you, like he thinks todd is a doofus. For once you are a normal (non crime fighting) girl that his brother is dating who is this career driven and also treats his brother properly. He loves talking business with you ( there was this scene where he figures out who is stealing money by looking at the finances at wayne enterprises) . and for once someone doesn't take him for a kid and actually wants to listen to pointers that he has. Tim prolly also loves talking to you about business cause he is a CEO too same thing for bruce.

Power couple fr.

but once you too get home...yea no one recognizes you.

Jason loves the fact that you show your soft side only to him. He has never been someones first choice in anything and this makes him feel so much more loved and cherished. and vice versa applies to you

he loves taking care of you after your long ass workday, helping you just be vulnerable and drop the whole tough act and be human. you do the same for him once he comes back at night. Just taking care of each other the way you guys need.

And you can bet jason knows how to be your biggest supporter. big raise? promotion? or just a good presentation?? He is genuinely excited for you.

Will give you back rubs when you've been sitting on the desk the whole day

will cook you brunch/snacks for when you come back and you will cook him breakfast/dinner for when he does .

it will take some compromise and adjustments but its all worth it and no price at all for loveeee.

[bruciemilf]

I will say, it is so fun thinking about the Waynes and their relationship with food. But specifically Bruce.

We get such little light shed on the Waynes before the Big Terrible happened. Like. How were Wayne dinners like?

Were they terribly posh and quiet with small moments of fun thrown in? Was Alfred scolding Thomas for telling a star eyed Bruce unnecessarily gory details from a surgery?

Did Martha help Bruce break into the cookie jar? Was there a lovely, playful gossip about Bruce's loud classmates and his adorable crush on Gray Ghost?

Because I like that! But I'd also like it to be a complete juxtaposition.

I want Bruce to talk about his family, to his children, with a smile that could melt the sun. I want him to tell them about the noise.

How the Wayne manor was permanently flooded with a noise and boister that could rival a packed 5 star kitchen.

How Thomas always cooked with a dry cigarette in his mouth, arguing with uncle Jacob about forks of all things.

Why were they smudged, why were they placed randomly and not organised with militaristic precision, while Martha watched with the fondest annoyance.

How Thomas would cuss filthy in Italian only when Bruce was around and only Oz could understand him, long before he was the Penguin, long before Bruce was Batman.

"It's about culture. Not that you'd understand, Jakey."

And uncle Jacob never entertained his father for long. He'd throw a dirty look, his obsidian eyes sharp as a switchblade, and mutter a 'bitch' in Russian, while Alfred sat there judging them both.

The Waynes were chaos with heartbeats. And Bruce's favorite event at these diners? The food fights. It's always uncle Philip who started them.

"Wow, Jay eating steak. Never thought I'd see this day."

" It's venison."

" Vinison?" Thomas would finally take a break from his unlit cigarette, holding Bruce in his lap like a king would a prized cat.

A collective sigh rang among the table. They knew what was coming. " What are you, fuckin' crazy? That's fuckin' cannoli, dipshit."

"With vinison."

"Jacob."

" Tom."

"Martha."

" Honey."

" You come into my house, not knowing what a goddam cannoli is? Fuck are you gonna tell me next, you don't put garlic in your Carbonara? I mean."

" Garlic is disgusting."

And Thomas would cover Bruce's ears like that's the most offensive thing uncle Jacob could utter at Thomas Wayne's table. And Uncle Oz agreed. Their favorite pastime was ganging up on Martha's oldest brother.

And it starts off as something minuscule and petty and mutates in something loud and ugly and breathtaking.

Bruce would watch with an open mouth in Alfred's lap, as his father's neck popped with veins, and uncle Jacobs pale complexion would blush something angry as the skin of his throat thinned from yelling.

"FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, YOUR PRESIDENT IS A VODKA DRINKING, BALDING, COMMIE PIECE OF SHIT."

"YOU'RE AMERICAN. "

" I CANT HELP THAT, I WAS BORN LIKE THAT!"

And it wasn't a true Saturday dinner unless Thomas didn't leap across the table, running over all the food to smash whatever dish into Jacobs face.

But truly, the best part, was watching them go from fight dogs to eating outside in time-out. As different as his father and uncle were, they could always find agreement on one topic:

Defying Martha Wayne was painfully stupid.

They'd share a cigarette and eat in silence, which was as friendly as they'd ever get. But he loved it. Bruce loved Saturday dinner.

And when the batkids start the fighting tradition on Saturdays, Bruce thinks they do, too.

[thesuperiorrobin]

“Media is stupid….”

❥ Pairing: Damian Wayne x FemReader

❥ Word count: idk I technically lost count

❥ Summery: small writhing of Instagram lives

❥ Warning: mentions of making out in the end.

You- white Damian-Green Jason-Red

Ever since you and Damian went out to the press to release the fact that you were dating people went wild. Aside from the whole stalking phase that had another phase where they tried to find your social media. Which really wasn’t hard in the first place because your username was your first and last name so it was easy to find you. The only form of media you have is just Instagram and Twitter. But Twitter is just for your daily news and Instagram—aside from those blurry pictures you claim are aesthetic— are for the lives. And the people of Gotham eat it up. Damian, for obvious reason, was never in the light when it came to the media having stated before that it was useless and “damages your brain and turns you into an idiotic imbecile” which is probably true. But then you came into his life and gave the world a glimpse of his sad dull little life—to which you had brought light into— and now everyone knows Damian Wayne isn’t as boring as he seemed! But to be fair Damian isn’t the only one—you brought his whole family involved! And the News will always be grateful for that! They really eat your Instagram lives and there’s completions of you with either Damian or one of his siblings.

Like for instant in a Instagram live—

“What are you eating? Must be good if you’re tearing that shit up up? What are you eating it looks good?’m eating a crouton salad”

Robin_lover: just a crouton salad?

!Batman_Forever!: it looks good!

Damian_Wayne_Fanpage: I don’t see any greens tho

“Well Damian Wayne fanpage-that’s cause it’s just croutons and ranch!”

“It’s my depression meal. At least that’s what my parents call it”

“What the hell is a Depression meal?”

“It’s like a meal that you put together when your mental health makes cooking hard”

“I could have had Alfred cook you up something, beloved. Something that’s has more nutritions and not salty bake bread bits with ranch all over it.

“But it’s good thought. Even Alfred look at me weird when I denied he was going to make for me and all i wanted was this. I saved him a lot of dishes”

____________________________________________

Damian_Wayne_Fanoage: what is one thing you like about damian.

“He’s big ass bathroom. Like his bathroom is the size of my bedroom and I’m jealous”

“You practically live in my bathroom love”

“Oh you’re right. As we speak guys we are literally in my boyfriends bathroom in the walk in shower just sitting here”

“I have my hair stuff here just sitting on top of the sink too”

“Don’t know why beloved you don’t even shower here”

“Yeah. For reasons I’m only allowed to use the guest shower though if I do end up spending the night”

“Unfortunately”

“Don’t let Bruce hear you lol”

____________________________________________

User19382818345: what’s a memory you will alway find funny

“They day I had accidentally took Alfred the cat home with me”

“I still do not understand how you take a cat home and not notice”

“Well Alfred snuck in my backpack. So honestly I didn’t even question why it was so heavy all of a sudden”

“But yeah he called me freaking out that his cat went missing. Almost burn down the city looking for him”

“I’ll do anything for that cat”

“Me too cause he’s my little baby. Right Alfred

“Meow”

____________________________________________

People loves that lives that include the brother sister bond between you and jason. The only reason as you try is because he’s the only one you show in your lives—not because your don’t favor Dick and Tim but because he’s the only one at the Manor when you visit.

Robin_lover: do you favor jason over the others? Cause he’s the only one we always see

“Nah. Jason’s actually my least favorite. My favorite one is actually Damian one hundred percent!”

“*Gasp*! Lady Gaga is live”

“Okay bye everyone see you in an hour!”

“Cant you just use tod-“

Instagram live has ended

____________________________________________

JasonToddFan: what’s your fav Lady Gaga song????

“My favorites are Love game, Judas, and replay!”

“I like poker face”

“Oh that’s a good one too”

“I wanna hold ‘em like they do in Texas please fold em, let em hit me—“

“Isn’t that song copyrighted?”

“Oh shit he’s right—don’t mind me I wasn’t singing poker face at all”

“You think if we played the Cartman version we’ll get sued or something?

“ I don’t know, probably”

“…..”

“P-p-p Poker face-“

____________________________________________

User2983108567: Does Bruce actually like you?

“Honestly the amount of times that poor man has caught me tongues deep in his sons mouth—I think he’s just tried of me to be honest lol”

“BELOVED!”

“You can’t be saying that sort of stuff online—more or less on an Instagram live”

“But he’s tried of both of us. Every time my father catches us doing something we are supposed to be doing in private I can always hear him sigh”

“Yeah like a very disappointing one too”

“Sometimes I think he just wonders why we’re like this”

“It’s true. I Sometimes see them making out too and it’s disgusting!”

“Todd I swear to go-“

Live has ended

[misscinnamonroll16]

More headcanons for brozone

Floyd is the first to notice how tense John is. He forces the others (bc they're salty lil shits) to help him to get John to relax

John Dory relates to the mcr song mama. It's a song about feeling like a failure to your parents and wishing you could have been better (at least that's my interpretation). Curse Floyd for showing it to him

Clay still counts on his fingers

Ironically, John has the best handwriting out of all of them. Branch has the worst

Clay moves around a lot in his sleep

John remembers all his brothers little habits. Bruce's maturity shines through when helping him deal with their brothers. Clay's naturally playful attitude. Floyd being a sassy little shit. Even Branch, throwing a slight tantrum to get their attention.

Floyd talks in his sleep, saying super weird stuff. He's done that since he was a baby

JD taught himself how to drive

Bruce pierced Floyd's ear much to their grandma's and John's dismay

They all missed their grandma's cooking but they also missed John Dory's cooking (but you'll never hear them say that)

Clay enjoys reading aloud

Floyd was a nail biter

Floyd can and will steal a straight guys gf just bc he knows he can

Bruce still has tons of products for his hair and skin

Branch cant help but enjoy having his brothers in the bunker that he built for them. its nice having them back in his life even if he's still kind of being a dick about it lol

Clay tells the best scary stories

john will complain while doing something no matter how small the task is. Bruce just chuckles to himself, saying "some things never change"

John is a little jealous of Bruce bc he wants kids (eventually and with the right person) but he doesn't want that pressure of taking care of someone or risk screwing up like he did with his brothers. so he takes every opportunity he can to babysit

the boys had SO MANY nicknames for each other and all of them were annoying little jabs at each other (that they secretly loved)

John dory's joints ache when its about to rain or when cloud guy shows up (we're not gonna talk about how truly old he is)

sometimes it feels like Bruce and JD are having a competition to see who can out dad the other. who falls asleep in front of the tv and claims they were watching it? who mows the lawn at 5 am? shit like that

Clay has really good aim with a slingshot

Branch and John Dory know how to shoot a bow and arrow

Floyd has the highest pain tolerance, mostly bc of nerve damage

Bruce has wet willies, John had noogies

Floyd plans on getting tattoos

John Dory enjoys doting on his brothers, just a little bit

i also have some headcanons about genderbent brozone if anyone would like those

[razzledazzle0]

thanksgiving

early Thanksgiving special

Damian has a pet turkey. on thanksgiving he gets a fake one and leaves it out so Alfred will cook it, then realize he's cooking his turkey when its really not.

----

Bruce panicked running into the kitchen: Alfred!

Alfred turning around eyebrow raised as he put the turkey into the oven: what is it master bruce?

Bruce: that's not out turkey.

Alfred: what-what do you mean?

Bruce: that's Damian's turkey!

Alfred:

Bruce: I just-

Jason walking into the kitchen: hey so I just ran into Damian and he says he cant find gobble (the turkey, its a stupid name)

Bruce:😨

Alfred: 😶‍🌫

Jason: guys..

Alfred: how long do we have to get a new turkey for Damian?

Jason confused: what why-*relizing* you guys fucking cooked him?!

Bruce: on accident!

Dick strolling in: hey family! what's..*looking around* what's wrong?

Jason: they cooked gobble.

Dick: ..we're fucked

Bruce: ok, Jason you go get a new turkey, Dick your gonna distract Damian

Jason: yeah yeah

Damian appearing out of nowhere: Have you guys seen gobble?

Dick: nope! maybes he outside-

Damian: is that gobbles collar...

Alfred: 😨

Bruce: ok, Damian..we may have accidentally cooked gobble..

Damian:

Damian: laughing, oh that's not gobble

Dick: what, what do you mean?

Damian: that's a fake gobble, I wanted to prank you guys

Alfred :..that's good

Dick: we already sent out Jason to get you a new turkey?

Damian: oh. now I have two turkeys!

----

turning this into a oneshot