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ahotmesswithprivilege · 17 days

Text

Wildflowers

paring: Tyler Owens x f!reader

wordcount: ca. 7600

synopsis: When Tyler asks you to move to the States you know it's a batshit crazy idea. You've known each other for only 7 months, but then you look into those beautiful green eyes and you know there is no other place on planet Earth you'd rather be. So you do it. You move across half a continent and an ocean only to arrive in your new home, no longer knowing if the man you came for still wants you.

note: This is part of a new experiment. I have their entire story already plotted out, but I am not posting their stuff in order. It's rather just snippets that I just feel like writing and I'll make a master list so you can go through stuff, once I posted more of them.

This particular scene was inspired by THIS POST by @hunterthecharmer . It's probably more angst than you asked for (I had only the angst in my mind while writing most of it and skipped the whole fluffy cute stuff. Ah well), but I hope you still like it. And yes there is a happy ending. A good one I think.

Also the term Quatschkopf in this particular context as loving teasing comes probably closest to silly goose in a translation.

And for those interested I started a tag list, so please let me know if you want to be on there and also don't forget to specify if you are only interested in a particular series/character or if you want me to tag you in everything.

And please for the love of whatever you consider holy add your ages to your blogs. It's a major "f*ck you" right in my face when I see all the people interacting with my content who disrespect the most basic rules. And it's not like I haven't stated it every goddamn time. I don't need your birth certificate or anything it's enough to say 18+ or 21+ (if you are that old. Please don't fake that kinda stuff). It's not rocket science.

Trigger Warning ( You are responsible for your media consumption, proceed with caution, you know the drill): HURT/COMFORT, talk about SA (touch/groping, kiss), autistic!reader, disabled!reader, native german speaker!reader, body shaming (self and others), self-deprecation, cursing, non-canon (not even sure if this is canon compliant so, take that as you will), written by a non-native speaker, not beta read, HEA because I cannot deal with another pure angst fest.

Masterlist

divider and banner by @firefly-graphics

gif by @kwistowee

Reblogs, comments and constructive criticism are always welcome

!!!Minors do not interact!!!

Tyler Owens was popular with the ladies. He knew it, they knew it, everyone and their mother knew it. Hell, he was popular with you too, but you had never expected the popular guy to like you back. It's not like there is anything special about you, quite the contrary. You were a wallflower, a concrete jungle city girl and still, Tyler Owens looks at you as if you hung the moon and the stars. At least that's what your BFF Aria loves to emphasise, every time you stress yourself about this relationship.

It's not that you don't trust Tyler. He is your knight in shining armour. He had saved you in a moment where you had been ultimately vulnerable and he didn't exploit it. It is something you love him for. But whenever you pass a mirror and look at the woman who looks back at you, you wonder if you should send Tyler to an ophthalmologist. It had been drilled into you over decades of bullying and verbal abuse that someone like you wasn't worth it and even though the people in your life tried to prove you wrong, it's every day a new challenge to let those thoughts go.

When the first picture of you with Tyler shows up on the internet, you were embarrassed, not because of him or because it made your relationship public, but because you looked at the photograph and saw all of your flaws jumping out at you while he was there right next to you with that charming smile, the picture-perfect image of a southern gentleman. And it clearly shouldn't have surprised you as much as it did when some former classmates reached out to you. Most of the messages are vile and some are classified as jealous AF by Aria. You promised yourself not to let it get to you, even though the fact you and Tyler were forced into a long-distance relationship was more than enough of a strain on you as is.

When the thought of asking you to move in with him popped up for the first time in Tyler Owens' mind he hadn't thought it through properly but as Lily loved to cue him in on, it would involve a shit ton of paperwork and lawyers. Lucky for him, there were a lot of people who promised to help him if he ever needed it. So he got everything he could get ready before suggesting it to you. He had seen the shock on your face and the way you choked up on your drink. For a heartbeat, he regretted asking you, fearing that he had just broken the wings of the most beautiful thing he'd ever found in his life, but then he saw the soft expression on your face and the tears in your eyes.

"You are serious, aren't you?" "Of course, I am serious, princess. You think I'd spend hours sitting still in an office talking to lawyers because it's such an entertaining afternoon activity?"

He would have preferred to tell you this when you'd visit him next time, face to face while going down on one knee, but that was months away. Every fucking day he had a front-row seat witnessing the brutality of mother nature. A constant reminder of how quickly life could be over. The mere thought that either of you could be gone for good any second and he didn't do whatever it took to spend all his time with you scared him more than any tornado ever could.

"You did what?" "I prepared everything so if you'd say yes, we could get this party started", he says, knowing that this was scary to you. Change in general was, but to him being with you was worth it and all he could hope for was that he read you right when he believed you felt the same way about him. "I see so much death and destruction every day, princess. The thought that I am wasting time being a fucking ocean apart from the woman I love seems so stupid", there is a somberness to his tone and when his green eyes look back onto the screen to find yours, he sees a tear running down your cheek. God how he hated it when he couldn't brush it away and kiss your forehead to make things better. "No need to cry, pretty girl", his voice feels like a soft caress on your skin. God how much you missed him and the next time you could take a long enough break for it to be worth it to fly out to see him was months in the future. He was right. This was it, this was real. He loved you and you loved him. There was no point in being apart and you would never in a billion years expect him to stop what he loves so much to come to you.

"I have to give them a four week's notice at work...", your voice is quiet and he cannot help the wide smile spreading on his lips. "That sounds like a wonderful autumn wedding to me, princess"

Your eyes wandered around the now-empty apartment. It had been only one room, but it had been yours. To think that your entire life was packed up in boxes and shipped to the States still felt surreal. You actually fucking did it. Uproot your entire existence and move to the States to marry the man who wrangled natural disasters for a living and you were thrilled about the prospect of falling asleep in his arms from now on.

The cab is waiting for you downstairs when you unlock your phone. The first thing you see is a text from Tyler, wishing you well on your travels and it makes your heart skip a beat. This is why you did this, why you left behind pretty much everything you'd ever known to be with him. Because he made you feel like he cared about you. Really, deeply cared. The next message was a short video from Boone, showing all of the wranglers wishing you safe travels and Boone reminding you to pick up a few bars of that chocolate he loves so much. And then there was Aria's message, promising you that she'd come to welcome you at the airport, even if Tyler would surely not miss the chance to personally pick up the future Mrs. Owens.

You close your eyes for a moment and take a deep breath. Yeah. This new life was sure as hell worth moving across an ocean to get there. As you saw the city fly by in front of the window you felt your phone buzzing again. You had put an alert on for anything Tornado Wranglers related and when you clicked on the link and watched the 5-second clip that played, you felt like your heart was stopping in your chest. This couldn't be. You watch it again and again but there is no way around it. It was a tad bit grainy, but this was Tyler Owens kissing someone. This had to be fake, so you sent it to Aria, asking her to verify that you were not seeing things or imagining shit before you leave the cab and enter the airport.

After going through the check-in and passing the security check you unlock your screen again. There are a lot of curse words in your chat, calling Tyler every name in the book. She'd checked the most recent lifestream and low and behold, there it was. In the background of a shot of Lily working on one of the drones. There wasn't more video material of the kiss itself and she didn't figure out who the woman was but that didn't matter much to you. All that mattered was that the man you crossed an ocean for wasn't even bothering enough with civility to break up with you instead of degrading you to a cheap side piece. You couldn't help the tears that were running down your cheeks and no matter how often you dabbed them away with a handkerchief, they always came back.

Aria: I'll pick you up at the airport and if that shitbag even dares to show his face, I'll break his fucking nose and I'll do it with my foot for nothing but your entertainment

As devastated as you were, reading this message made a small chuckle bubble up in your throat. That's why she was your best friend. She knew you, the good, the bad and the ugly and she was there whenever you called. That was the one thing Tyler Owens couldn't steal from you.

"If you keep running around like this, you'll wear out the floorboards", Lily was sitting on his couch, a wide grin on her face. They had spent the afternoon in Tyler's garage, checking the equipment before they'd retired it for the season. Usually, Tyler was sad that he had to wait another year to chase his adrenalin highs again, but right now his mind was preoccupied with something different. Something that happened today before they packed up and came back to his place.

"Hey, Tyler", he felt Lily's hand on his arm, keeping him in place while his thoughts were still racing, "What is going on? This is not your usual end-of-the-season blues and the clouds on your face mean it's not you looking forward to seeing your girl, so what's wrong?" Fuck why was she so good at reading him. Probably because she was one of the most empathic people he knew and having worked with him for years at this point helped too. "You know that you can trust me, right? Whatever it is, I won't judge", she gives him one of her gentle smiles and he closes his eyes, attempting to sort out the storm that was raging in his own brain.

"Are you having the jitters because she's moving in with you?" "Fuck no", he feels almost offended. The thought that he didn't want you around was ridiculous. Whenever he slept with you in his arms he felt like he got a glimpse at paradise and he would give the world to have that every day for the rest of his life. "I don't think she will move in here", he states, tears welling up in his eyes as he stares at the ceiling to avoid Lily's puzzled gaze. He was fucking sure that even kind Lily would judge him for the way he fucked up today.

"Why wouldn't she? That girl gave up her job, her apartment and uprooted her entire life to be with you. If that doesn't scream commitment then I don't know what does" "Because I kissed another woman today", he murmured and felt like his heart was shattering in his chest as he imagined the expression on your face when you found out and you sure as hell would. That kind of shit would definitely end up somewhere on YT or another social media platform, blow up and then he'd lose you. Feeling a hard fist hitting his biceps he looked back down into the face of a furious Lily.

"Are you out of your fucking mind? That girl is the best thing that could have ever happened to you. She is considerate, kind and supportive. She sacrificed everything to be with you and all she asked for in return was for you to love her and be faithful and you horndog cannot even manage that much?", her voice was loud enough to be heard in the entire house so he wasn't surprised one bit that the rest of the wranglers came over from the garage. "Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I feel like the worst piece of shit because I didn't push that bitch away the moment her lips landed on mine? That I needed an embarrassingly long amount of time to fight the instinct that kicked in?", the tears he had been holding in for the last six hours were finally running free. "I asked the woman I love more than my own life not only to move across a fucking continent and a bloody ocean into godforsaken tornado alley but also to spend the rest of her days with my sorry ass and for whatever reason she said yes and how do I repay her? Someone else's lips on mine"

A heavy silence filled the room and Tyler felt like it suffocated him. This was what he had feared almost as much as losing you. To lose his family too.

"I need air", he pushed past Lily and shoved away Boone's hand as he attempted to reach out to him, slamming his front door shut behind him.

He knows that you will not come home with him when he gets into his truck, placing the bouquet of wildflowers on the passenger seat and even though it is in vain, he's holding the box with the engagement ring in his hand, staring down at the rough diamond he got for you. He knows you weren't one for the big bling, so he picked something that felt like you. Simple, grounded and yet hiding a stunning beauty underneath.

"Wildflowers? Really Ty?", Boone's voice pulls him back as the man sits down on the passenger seat after putting the flowers on the console, "Don't you think a fuck up like yours calls for a shit load of red roses?" Tyler shakes his head, closing the black velvet box before he puts it back in his jeans pocket. "Red and white roses are for funerals", he murmurs, more to himself than his best friend. "Who says that?" "She does", is the only answer he gives before he turns over to his friend. He loved Boone, he really did but this was a ride he had to do on his own. Aria and him had just started to be a thing and Tyler didn't want their relationship to be another collateral in this mess.

"Get out Boone" "Fuck no. I'm not gonna let you ride into that storm alone. You are my brother" "You'll probably be on Aria's bad side for a while by pure association. Do you really wanna make that even worse by showing up with me?" "Bros before hoes" he states, arms crossed over his chest, "If you want me to leave, make me" "Fuck", Tyler groaned, turning back to the front and starting his truck.

They arrive at the airport an hour before your flight is supposed to land and he cannot help the nerves. His palms are sweaty and the fingers of his free hand are drumming a random rhythm upon his leg. What would he give for your hand in his right now, feeling how you are drumming your own rhythm against his skin to calm your anxious nerves that you always get in large crowds...

The whole drive here he attempted to play through every possibility, craft the right sentences for whatever you could throw his way. He wants to explain himself so badly, wants you to see his side of the story and beg for forgiveness he knows he doesn't deserve. Aria had sent Boone a message, warning them not to show their faces at the airport and neither of them questioned for a second that she would rip them apart with her bare hands if she had to. That woman wrangled cattle for a living, that's not someone you wanna fuck with, but for you, he'd face the wrath of your best friend even if it was the last thing he ever did.

His eyes wander up to the arrivals on the huge screen and finds your flight there. You'd land in half an hour so he would see your beautiful face in an hour max and the thought it would be the last time shatters his heart.

The moment Aria arrives in the huge waiting area she spots them. He really had the fucking audacity to show his stupid face here after what he did? And what makes this even worse is seeing Boone right next to him. Not that it should have been much of a surprise to her. He was his best friend and the way she would always cover your back, he covered his. It was only a shame that she had thought he was better than being friends with a bloody cheater.

Boone is the one to spot the blonde first with her Cowboy hat, boots and flannel shirt. His heart skips a beat before he remembers that right now she's the enemy, even if he hated the idea. "We are getting company", he tells Tyler who needs a lot longer to spot your best friend in the crowd. But then she's right next to them, glaring daggers at him and he cannot even fault her for it. "What? No threats? No telling us to fuck off?", Boone asks before his friend can even say something. "Nah. Just means I can keep my promise to her", she stares at the gates the arrivals came through with their luggage. "And that would be" "Break that fuckers nose with my foot for her entertainment" She says that so calmly that for a moment Boone struggles to compute the sentence. "How could you?!?" "I had ballet lessons a minimum of two times a week ages 3 to 24. I am sure your mind can fill in the blanks"

Tyler is not even properly listening to the banter those two are having. His eyes are only focused on finding you in the crowd and with every passing moment he feels his heart hammering against his ribcage, free hand wandering from his thigh into the jeans pocket where the ring box is, using it to keep his fingers occupied as the stream of passengers from your flight slowly started to die down. The longer you didn't walk through that door the worse it got and his mind started conjuring up all kinds of scenarios.

What if you had a meltdown or even worse a dissociative episode and no one knew how to help you? What if some sleazy asshole put his hands on you again and Tyler wasn't there to beat that guy into a pulp? What if...?

And then he saw you, in your comfiest clothes, noise-cancelling headphones on your ears and sunglasses over your eyes as you pulled a large trolly behind you and the ginormous signature handbag that always reminded him of Mary Poppins the second you opened it. Even with your eyes hidden by your shades, he can read your body well enough by this point. You are searching the crowd, probably for Aria rather than him and once you spot them you make your way over, fingers of your free hand turning the silver ring on your index finger. One of the typical stims you use to calm your nerves.

"Hey darling", Aria is the first to come closer, but even she is slow and deliberate in her movement. She knows you the longest and as much as she hates him right now, he trusts Aria's assessment of your mental state more than his own. "Hey Quatschkopf", there is a softness to your voice that makes Tyler's heart melt each and every time you speak your mother tongue. You open your arms and pull her into a tight hug. That means at least her touch is bearable for you right now and that's a place to start.

And then you pull back and he knows you are looking at him. Probably not his eyes, that's rough on a good day, but your focus is on him now. What would he give for a chance to see yours right now. Not only because they are one of the most beautiful things he's ever seen, but also because he needs every little detail he can get to manoeuvre through this as painless as possible for you.

"Anything you have to say for yourself?", your voice is calm and measured and Tyler is not sure if he'd prefer an outburst of rage or tears streaming down your cheeks right about now, giving him at least an indication of where you stood. "I know it doesn't mean much, but I am sorry, princess. I am so fucking sorry for what happened. I promised you forever and I fucked up after 33 days", he's shaking his head, trying to will the tears in his eyes back before he looks back down at his reflection in your sunglasses. What a pathetic piece of shit he was. "I am sorry that you had to see that. I never wanted to hurt you, believe me", he holds on to the ring box for dear life. "That's all?"

God, he hates that measured tone, the composure that you exhibit while he feels like a whole season's worth of tornados is wreaking havoc in his chest right about now. "All I can hope for is that maybe one day you give me a chance to win your trust back", he whispers, holding out the wildflowers to you. "Not even red roses? Cheapskate", Aria scoffs next to you. "Red and white roses are for funerals", Tyler and you answer in unison. "You remember that? I mentioned it like once...", you tilt your head a little and Tyler has to fight every fibre of his being not to step closer and put his hand on your cheek and pull you into his arms.

"Of course, I do, princess", he gives you the most heartbroken version of that blinding smile he usually has on his lips as he takes a step closer, eyes searching for any indicator in your demeanour that you did not want this before he reached out his hand to push back a single strand of hair that had fallen into your face. "Because when you love something, you'll spend your whole life trying to understand it"

You hate flying. Being locked up in a tin can for 11 hours is never a fun experience, especially not if that fucking thing is up in the air. There are only a hand full of people you love enough to go through that shit for and considering what the man you endure this for right now pulled off, you are pretty sure it's not worth the overstimulation and anxiety that cannot be chased away by a billion studies telling you that air travel is the safest form of travel by a long shot. To not get lost in your thought spirals you listen to piano music, fingers moving as if you were playing. That was annoying your neighbour and the guy in the front who couldn't lean back because you had your table down the entire time, but today was a rare day where you just couldn't bring yourself to give fuck. Even like this, the 11 hours feel like 11 days and when you get off the plane everything is just too much. The noise even though you have your headphones on with music and the light was so fucking bright even with your darkest shades. You felt a major headache coming your way so you hid in the restroom for a while to calm down and to avoid all the people heading straight for the luggage.

Once you came out of hiding, the area was much emptier and more manageable. Your trolly is the last one on the band, so you pick it up and head to security. You've seen that expression on people's faces far too often in your life. The judgement and disapproval, but you cannot bring yourself to care about that either. All that matters is that you are allowed to enter the country. The rest will be up for debate as soon as you figured out what you wanted to do with your life after the man you had dreamed of spending it with fucked around with someone else.

The arrivals hall still seemed rather packed, at least for your liking. You saw couples and families reuniting and for a moment you wished that you could forget you ever saw that clip and be thrilled and excited to start the rest of your life with the man you loved, still love even though his feelings apparently changed. That's when your eyes find Aria and right next to her Boone and... What the hell was he even doing here? Wasn't there another woman he had to take care of? Or was that some weird attempt at getting both at the same time?

No matter what it was, you needed Aria if you wanted to get out of here, so you made your way over to them, trying not to look at him. Those green eyes had a tendency to convince you to do really stupid shit. Like uprooting your entire life for a man you have known for eight months at best. You are done with being naive and stupid and you are done with fooling yourself into believing that a man like Tyler Owens could ever really want someone like you.

"Hey darling", Aria's voice is soft and gentle and you can see it in her whole demeanour. She's really careful right now, trying to figure out where you stand and how you feel. A flight like this would be draining your batteries on the best of days but considering the shitshow that was going on with Tyler, you were a ticking time bomb. A disaster waiting to happen and right now, she was the only person in your life you could still rely on. "Hey Quatschkopf", you use the word to tease her in the loving way that you do with so few people as you pull her into a tight hug. It's your way of telling her you are fine. Well as fine as you can be without a perspective and a cheating ex standing right next to you. You revel in the hug for a few moments longer than you usually would, trying to find the resolve for what comes next. You had dreaded this conversation, but you knew that with your best friend right next to you, there was at least something close to a chance to make it out of here with your sanity intact and your heart may be cracked, but not entirely shattered.

When you finally pull back you look up and straight into those green eyes that had captivated you from the start. Of all the people you had ever met, he was one of the few where eye contact was even mildly bearable. God you'd even enjoyed it at times and you blame those eyes for not realising much earlier, that his love for you was not as deep as yours was for him. You force yourself to find another place on his face to look at, focusing your gaze right between his eyebrows. It's something you learned. You could fake looking into someone's eyes like that and even though he had no idea where you exactly looked with your sunglasses still on, you fell back on the familiar pattern for your own comfort.

"Anything you have to say for yourself?", you fight so hard for these words to come out the way they do. Calm and without betraying any emotion. He didn't deserve to know how broken you felt, how much it hurt to know that for the first man you had ever really fallen for you are more of a new notch in his belt than anything else. "I know it doesn't mean much, but I am sorry, princess. I am so fucking sorry for what happened. I promised you forever and I fucked up after 33 days", you are not sure if that's genuine desperation in his voice or if this is your head coming up with something to rationalise the feelings you still have for him. There is a tiny part of your heart that wants to believe him. To forgive and forget but that is when your head weighs in, reminding you of all the second chances you had given to people and not one had been worth it. "I am sorry that you had to see that. I never wanted to hurt you, believe me"

"That's all?", you know that the moment you stop analysing and rationalising this and emotions get involved you are gone. You'd send yourself straight into a shutdown and you do not want him to see you like this. So vulnerable and all because he kissed someone else. "All I can hope for is that maybe one day you give me a chance to win back your trust", he whispers, holding out the bouquet he had held on to the entire time. You had fully expected red roses or some bullshit like that because everyone always used roses. It was so fucking boring and unimaginative, but those were wildflowers and considering the way the arrangement looked you were pretty sure he picked these for you. Why the fuck would he do that if he had someone else already lined up?

"Not even red roses? Cheapskate", Aria scoffs next to you. "Red and white roses are for funerals", Tyler and you answer in unison, making your eyes flicker back to his. Did he really just say that? You were pretty sure that topic came up only once and that was before you were even a thing.

Aria had dragged you to the fun fair and Tyler and Boone got roped in by association. Boone spent far more money than he should have on getting Aria a tiny stuffed bear when Tyler shot you a few plastic flowers, all roses. When he handed them to you with a theatrical bow he saw how hard you tried to look excited. "What's wrong princess?" "Red and white roses are for funerals" He furrows his brow, trying to understand where this was suddenly coming from so you continued. "Every funeral I've ever been to had either red or white roses", you whispered so quietly that you would have bet he didn't hear it but he did and took them off your hands, handing them along to Boone who held them out to Aria. Once he was focused back on you he offered you his hand and you took it gladly, fingers drumming a rhythm against his rough skin. He pulled you into his side as you walked over the fun fair. "Tell me, princess, what can a knight do to impress you?", you are surprised when you hear his question and turn to the side to look up at him, your eyes roaming his face from behind your shades. It seems like he is genuine in his question so you think for a while before you reply with that soft smile on your face he loves so much. "Pick me some wildflowers"

"You remember that? I mentioned it like once...", you tilt your head a little and your eyes search his face for any sign that this was not just a lucky guess, that he really cared enough about you to remember these tiny things about you. "Of course, I do, princess", he gives you the most heartbroken version of that blinding smile he usually has on his lips as he takes a step closer while you stay frozen in place, brain attempting to compute what was happening and how the things he said and did could go together with the clip you had seen 12 hours ago. "Because when you love something, you'll spend your whole life trying to understand it"

The words hang heavy in the air between you two and you want to believe it. You want to believe it so bad that this man you had so absolutely and utterly irrevocably fallen for loved you but then the clip flashes up in front of your inner eye and you look down to the floor, sadness on your face that makes his heart ache to kiss it away.

"If you love someone you don't hurt them" "Princess I never wanted to hurt you. I just..." "You don't owe me a justification, Tyler", you cut his explanation off and it makes his heart sink. You don't even care enough to give him the time to explain... "You are a grown-ass man who can make his own choices. It would have been nice to get a heads-up before I threw my life away to come here, but at the end of the day, what you do and who you do it with is your decision to make and yours alone. As long as you are two consenting adults, you are free to do whatever the fuck you want and it's sure as hell not my place to judge." "It wasn't consensual" "What?" "These girls came up while we were packing and I thought they just wanted a photo, maybe an autograph and then they'd be gone. In my mind I was already here, picking you up...", he began, tears welling up in his eyes that threatened to spill this time around. God, he wanted to see your eyes so badly right now, to have you as his anchor this time around when he feels the way you take his hand in yours, the cool silver of your ring pressing against his skin. "One of them came up to me and I thought this would be a normal kind of picture. I've done this like a billion times already", the frustration is audible in his voice as his eyes look up to the ceiling, not wanting to show the tears that escaped his eyes.

"Tyler you don't have to", your voice is gentle and god he wants to take the offer. Just tap out and not think about this whole shitshow any more but he can't. "I am about to lose the love of my life because of a bet some fucking college girls made, so fuck yes I have to", his eyes are now back on your sunglasses, hoping that you can see the sincerity in his eyes. He takes another step towards you, his hat shading you from the bright neon lights. "I was distracted and when she threw herself at me instinct kicked in. I needed a moment to realise what was actually going on before I shoved her off. It's embarrassing how long that took and I will never forgive myself that even for the blink of an eye I kissed her back" When you begin to shake your head his heart panics, skipping a beat or two. This was it. Whether you didn't believe his story or it wasn't enough for you to forgive didn't matter. You were slipping from his fingers and god did that hurt.

"You think it was my fault when that sleazy guy pushed me against the wall at the rodeo and tried to pull my top down?" He's taken aback by that question but nevertheless, his answer follows quick like a shot. "Fuck no" "Then why are you blaming yourself for the same thing?" "Because it isn't..." "Yes, it is. At its core it's someone ignoring your human dignity and free will by taking what you are not consenting to give", Tyler closes his eyes for a moment, trying to allow your words to sink in. "One might even argue your case is worse because he just tried where she succeeded", he opens his eyes again to look down at you, hoping against hope that your kindness meant that he still had a chance. "I am sorry that happened to you Tyler. No one should have such an experience...", you took a deep breath, thumb gently drawing circles onto his skin. "Why didn't you just tell me?" "I was terrified. You sacrifice so much for us... for me. How could I tell you that I kissed someone else" "You didn't, Tyler. Someone kissed you and that's not just semantics" "Can I please take the sunglasses off", his voice is pleading and you know that this is something he needs right now or else he wouldn't have asked so you nod, allowing him to take them off with your eyes closed before he leans back over you and once you notice the shadow of him blocking out the ceiling lights you open them. "I thought I'd never get to see those eyes again", his voice is sombre, entirely missing his usual cockiness and bravado.

"You need something else?" God, why were you like that, so sweet and understanding? You were bending yourself backwards to accommodate people in a world that barely ever showed you the same courtesy. "Tell me I have a chance. Tell me I can spend the rest of my life trying to figure you out", his breath is warm as it fans over your face. "If something like that happens again, what would you do?" "Tell you the truth knowing that I have nothing to fear because I trust you with all that I am", his eyes her glued to yours, feeling like those eyes were the only safe haven in an ocean of anxiety. There is a moment of silence, the noises of the airport surrounding you filling the air between you. A part of you had expected that he'd say it would never happen again, that next time around he would be more guarded, and control the situation better but his answer was the one you had longed for. You nod, your gaze really meeting his for the first time today, you see how there was something lighting up that washed the sadness away.

"Ich fühle mich als hätte ne Horde Elefanten auf mir steppen geübt", you murmur, allowing yourself to melt into his chest. It took him a moment before he wrapped his arms around you, as tight as he could. Hearing the way you spoke German always made his heart melt. There was a softness to your words, a gentleness that felt like you caressed his soul. "I thought Elephants are dancing ballet, not tap?", he allowed his head to rest on yours, a smile on his lips as he pressed a kiss to your hair. The smell of your shampoo was faint, but it still felt like the most comforting thing in the world right now. He didn't give a fuck about Aria and Boone and he cared even less about the other people who probably witnessed the scene unfold in front of them. He feels the way your body is trembling in his hold when you start to laugh and then look up at him. "That's hippos, Ty", your hand is smoothing up and down his back, prompting him to pull you even closer against his chest. "Ah. But at least the continent and land mammal was right", he joked, knowing that this would lead to him being sentenced to watch Fantasia with you. Not that he minded. He didn't care much what was on TV as long as you were in his arms. "We should get you out of here, Princess. Your carriage awaits you", his comment makes you chuckle. "Tornado Wrangler, Knight, Coachman. You are a man of many talents, Tyler Owens" "For you, I'll be whatever you want, princess" He knows he should pull back so he can guide you outside to the truck and leave but he doesn't have it in him to let go just yet. He thought he would never get this back, that he had lost the best thing that ever happened to him because he let his guard down at the wrong moment. He should have known better, should have known you better.

"You can let go, Tyler. I won't spontaneously dematerialize" "You sure about that?", you pull back a little and your eyes focus on a button of his flannel shirt. "I mean never say never, but", the tired smile on your lips was the most adorable thing he had ever seen in his life. "If you'd hold a gun to my head and taking my current knowledge of this reality into account, I'd place my bet on no, I won't" He cannot help the laughter that starts rumbling in his chest, vibrating through his body and yours. This is why he is the luckiest bastard on planet Earth. He had you in his arms.

"I might have somethin' that could help tethering you to your new life", he reaches into his jeans pocket, pulls out a tiny black velvet box and opens it. Inside is a beautiful ring, silver with a raw diamond. "If it weren't for those stupid ceiling lights I'd go down on one knee", he whispers, lifting the hand that had been holding his before to his lips and pressing a gentle kiss onto your knuckles before he continues. "I would love to spend the rest of my days trying to understand you, princess. That is if you let me" He feels your free hand resting on his cheek as you pull him down into a kiss. It's soft, gentle and feels like home, the embodiment of what you are to him. "I'd love that"

Reblogs, comments and constructive criticism are always welcome

#tyler owens x reader #tyler owens x you #twister fanfic #twister fanfiction #tyler owens fic #tyler owens fanfiction #my writing #wildflower verse!tyler owens

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bratzforchris · 7 months

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Hi! I hope this isn't too weird, but I was wondering if you could write a fic where Matt is autistic? I see myself a lot in him and the podcast episode where they kept calling him "Miserable Matt" made me think about myself a lot. So maybe a fluffy hurt/comfort fic where he just gets tired of it because it's something he can't help and reader helps him through it with his special interests? It's okay if not! Thank you 💞

My Person, M. Sturniolo

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*

Summary: In which the best cure for everything is cuddles and special interests<3

Pairing: Matt x gender neutral reader

Warnings: Mentions of autistic meltdown, going nonverbal, Nick and Chris lowkey suck here 😭

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N: Thank you for the request! Please remember that my writing is fictional--I am not saying or assuming that Matt is autistic and I definitely don't think Nick and Chris would act this way in real life. It's just a story :) Now, please enjoy 💚

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*

“Miserable Matt” this and “Miserable Matt” that. It was almost sickening the way he was constantly the target of Nick and Chris’s jokes. Deep down, Matt knew his brothers didn’t really mean any harm, but that didn’t make his feelings any less hurt. He never purposely tried to be sad or depressing when they were filming, it was just kind of the way his natural personality was.

Being autistic, his voice tended to have a flatter affect than most people’s. Even when he was filled with autistic joy, his voice rarely got louder or higher. Usually, his brothers were quite understanding of his disability, always standing up for Matt and making sure he was treated fairly, but then there were days like today, where they were filming an episode for Cut the Camera, and Nick and Chris just couldn’t stop the jokes from rolling off their tongues.

“I dunno,” Matt said quietly, but with a smile, fidgeting with his hands. “I just like to be alone sometimes. It gives me the creative freedom that I don’t always get from other people, y’know?”

“Oh here we go again,” Chris snorted. “Miserable Matt back at again with his depression poetry.”

“That’s not poetry.” Matt grumbled, trying to hide the hurt in his voice.

The triplets were currently discussing where they got their video ideas from, and how they stayed motivated to make content, even when they didn’t feel like it. Of course Chris and Nick had ‘normal people’ answers, like going out with friends or going on vacation. But being autistic, Matt didn’t recharge that way. He preferred to be alone to gather his thoughts and reset his mind. So of course, that was made fun of.

-`ღ´-

“So, what do you guys think about the edits people make of you?” Nick asked. “Love or hate them?”

“It depends,” Chris shrugged. “Some of them make me think ‘Damn, I’m fine’, but others are kinda…weird. No offense, guys!” he threw his hands up quickly, smiling at the camera.

“I like them. I think it’s sweet that someone takes time out of their day to edit me.” Matt smiled.

“Yeah,” Nick groaned. “Cause yours are all sad and depressing and ‘poor baby Matt’ while a song from folklore plays in the background.”

“That is so not true.” Matt protested.

“‘Poor Matt and his autism’ while some sad song plays in the background. You like it because it validates you.” Chris chuckled.

“That’s not true!” Matt was starting to get teary eyed, but he couldn’t help it; he was sensitive. “Some of them are nice.”

“Miserable Matt’s gotta watch sad edits of himself to fulfill his aesthetic.” Nick laughed.

All was silent for a moment, until Matt finally spoke, looking at his brothers with watery eyes. “Why are you guys so mean to me?”

“Matt, come on. We’re joking.” Chris rolled his eyes.

“But it’s not a joke,” Matt whispered, avoiding their eyes. “You guys use me as the butt of the joke all the time. ‘Matt’s too quiet’, ‘Miserable Matt’, ‘Matt and his anxiety’. It’s annoying, okay?”

“It’s just a joke, Matt,” Nick tried to explain calmly. “We don’t mean any harm.”

“Do you? Because last time I checked, making fun of someone’s disability or mental health problems is harm.”

“Don’t be like that, bro.” Chris tried to put a comforting, ‘olive branch’ hand on Matt’s shoulder.

“No,” Matt stood up, throwing his headphones off. “I’m done. Finish recording without me.”

The boy quickly exited the room, leaving a stunned Nick and Chris in his wake. Matt didn’t usually lose his cool like that when he knew the camera was rolling, but he hadn’t been sleeping well lately and the last thing he wanted was a recording of him bordering on a meltdown. Even if it could be edited out, he really didn’t want that immortalized forever. They were embarrassing enough as it was.

Matt retreated to his room, anxiously playing with the tangle that he kept in the pocket of his hoodie for when he needed a fidget toy. The calm, woodsy aesthetic of his bedroom relaxed him somewhat as he stepped inside his safe haven. It wasn’t enough, though. He needed someone who got it, who knew it was like to feel different. And so, he pulled out his phone, quickly texting you.

Matt: babe, can we go to the park?

You looked up from your book when Matt’s text came through. As an autistic couple, you had set up a ‘code word’ for when either one of you felt like they were on the verge of having an autistic meltdown, and that was Matt’s. You quickly gathered your things, speeding over to the triplets house as Matt sent you a flurry of texts, somewhat describing what had happened.

When you let yourself in with the key they had given you, Nick and Chris looked up, surprised by your entrance. “Where’s Matt?” You asked.

“In his room.” Chris mumbled, not looking up from his phone.

You didn’t have the energy, nor were you in the mood to deal with the boys right now, so you quickly pushed past them, hurrying up the stairs. “Can I come in, sweetie?” You asked when you reached Matt’s door, knocking softly.

You were quite worried about the silence until your phone pinged with a text of mhm from Matt. You realized that meant that he was probably nonverbal at the moment, and you hastily let yourself into the dark room. Matt had drawn the curtains, turning on one small lamp with a soft, orange glow. Your boyfriend was huddled up under his weighted blanket, headphones on and softly stroking Mr. Wrinkleton’s fur. You let out a breath when you noticed that he seemed much more relaxed than when he had first texted you, but that didn’t stop you from missing the tear tracks on his cheeks.

“Hi sweet boy.” You spelled into his palm as you softly set down on the bed beside him.

Matt grabbed his communication cards off the nightstand, riffling through them for a moment, before he showed you the one that said ‘Can I have a hug?’. Without another word, you pulled your boyfriend into a deep pressure hug, knowing they were his favorites. They made his body feel perfectly aligned and usually helped calm him after a meltdown. After a moment, Matt pulled out of your grip, slipping his headphones off.

“We don’t have to talk about it, hun. We’ll work it out with Nick and Chris later, okay? You just relax, baby,” You said gently. “Are you hungry, hun?”

Matt shook his head, grabbing your palm and spelling out ‘I just want you’ in your palm since he didn’t have a card for that. You smiled, placing a kiss on his cheek. This was one of your favorite parts about being a neurodivergent couple. You just got each other in a way that other people didn’t. You could sit in companionable silence and never feel awkward or bored. In your embrace of him, you noticed that Matt had slid a card towards you that read ‘Can we watch nature videos?’.

One of Matt’s special interests and overall favorite things, was nature, but especially the forest and woodland animals. He could watch the soothing videos of the forest in its natural state for hours and not get bored, which had led you two to make a special card just for that when you were making his communication cards together. Your boy smiled as you stood up, grabbing the remote for his TV, before flicking it to one of Matt’s favorite, ten-hour-long videos of the forest and its animals on YouTube.

“I love you, babe.” You told him as you both got comfortable under his large weighted blanket.

‘I love you!!!!!’ Matt explained, showing you a card.

The extra exclamation points had been at his insistence. He insisted that he loved you more than anyone else and needed you to know that. You couldn’t lie when you said that that had made you smile. You were each other’s first significant other, and Matt made you feel so completely special. Even now, as you laid here together, not speaking but cuddling as you watched videos of chipmunks and deer, you knew that Matt was your person.

tags ♡: @aemrsy @jake-and-johnnies-slut @oobleoob @mattsfavwh3re @melguilbert @idek3000hi @faygo-frog @mayhem-72

note ♡: if you'd like to be added to my taglist, click here <3

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palmettoshenanigans · 4 months

Text

also ALSO-

I know the old "AFTG is badly written" jokes but hold the FUCK on for one goddamn second

I have been writing for almost 20 years. I got my college degree in English and the only reason my specialization wasn't creative writing is because I had bad time management skills and missed my chance to do my final creative writing workshop. I'm autistic and Storycrafting and Wordsmithing are my special interests. I understand writing pretty well.

AFTG opened my fucking eyes to a blind spot of the utter craftsmanship of writing sticky characters that infect you with brain worms, and here it is:

The Conflict of Material and Form

AKA the Character Creation version of Nature versus Nurture

"This isn't who I truly am. This is who I've had to become, what I've had to fashion myself into to survive. The original me is buried in there somewhere, if only you knew how to look. If only you knew to look beyond the mask."

Easily exemplified with our fave lil guys-

Neil Abram Josten:

Material: smartass with a smart mouth, attitude problem, cares about people deeply, sharp tongue to cut a bitch with, kinda feral, a lil unhinged, oblivious idiot

Form: quiet and hidden, liar liar pants of fire, run rabbit run, docile and tame, hyper-vigilant and hyper-observant

Andrew Joseph Minyard:

Material: caring, protective, strong sense of justice, gentle even, cares deeply, give me sugar or give me death, yearning

Form: cold, apathetic, ruthless and unforgiving, allow me to introduce you to my knife, regret? don't know her, i want nothing nothing nothing

Why am I using 'material and form' instead of 'nature and nurture'? Because I am a subscriber to "Characters are not meant to be real people; they are mirages of real people meant to encapsulate a function or idea that serves the story". But use whatever terms click with your noggin.

This isn't about 'want vs need'. This isn't about 'lie believed and truth learned'. This is about Presentation and Basic Action - how would this character react here? Which part are they reacting from?

With Material vs. Form, one isn't the 'true' version and the other the 'false' version of the character. They are both true and real in their own right. The Secret Sauce is that the Material and the Form fight 1v1! And regardless of which part wins, there will be consequences and rewards; so which rewards do we want and which consequences are we willing to suffer? And this fight happens beat by beat, scene by scene, plot point by plot point.

At one point in TFC Neil laments his inability to shut his fucking mouth because his Form of 'don't stand out dipshit' and his Material of 'initiate smartass.exe' are disagreeing with how to respond to his circumstances! It's that fucking meme "My healed and unhealed versions of myself deciding who is going to handle this situation" but as Storycraft!

Now, I don't think this is a new idea by any means. But sometimes to make the essence of an idea truly stick, it must be presented in multiple different ways until one triggers a "Eureka! By Jove! Aha!", and this was the way that truly made this concept stick for me. And why did it stick? Because AFTG is a labor of deep love and passion for Characters and all their complexity and inner machinations, and that depth of devotion had to manifest as some good ass writing somehow my homies in christ.

I have a collection of my favorite Storycrafting Wisdoms and one of them is effectively:

"Put Compelling Characters into a Compelling Situation and see what happens."

And Nora does Compelling Characters beautifully

#all for the game #nora sakavic

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mysticcrownwolf · 4 months

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So your girl finally had a autistic meltdown and finally asked her mum about her childhood and got some mixed results but long story short I am finally getting an official autism and adhd diagnosis because in my mums words “Everyone deserves things that make their life easier to live”. Not gonna lie guys I did cried about this but it also came up that they did tried to get me diagnosed before (I don’t remember this at all) but were told I just had very high levels of hyperactivity so to make sure this type of bullshit doesn’t happen again I am making a list of all my weird or quirky traits and having the neurodivergents of Tumblr peer review them so I can finally get a diagnosis after 19 years of struggling.

1) I didn’t ever in my life made or had friends that stick around.

2) I was actually alienated a lot by most people in my life for being the umbrella term they all coined as ‘weird’ what this weird means varies from person to person.

3) I have actually been told by other girls that they gave me a chance to keep them company even after many people told them I was too weird and they should stay away from me. These same people later called me slurs, were self absorbed or just plain abusive towards me.

4) Through out my whole life I have sat alone on a double bench because no one wanted to sit with me in class.

5) I have a problem with properly spelling certain words like I write weird as ‘wierd’ or video as ‘vedio’.

6) People constantly doubt I have any sense of knowledge and act like any good idea I give is a surprise even when I was on the top of the class the phrases like “ That’s the first good idea you ever had” weren’t uncommon.

7) I walk a lot and I mean a lot enough that hyperactivity has still been a part of my diagnostic because I walked so much they had no choice but to put that in. I actually come to the school 30 minutes early then walked the whole time, I would just up and leave classes to walk in corridors because I couldn’t sit still long enough, my walking is such a huge part of me my old teachers still tell their classes about me as the girl that walked too much.

8) People in my college nicknamed me the headphone girl because I walked around our whole campus( I would pace a lot around the parameters) with my only noticeable feature being my headphones.

9) I was the only kid in my school not scared of bugs which lead to some notable incidents

I once picked a small green caterpillar and showed it off to my class of 10 year olds they started crying and teacher made me throw the bug even though I wanted to keep it as a pet

Our teacher once asked us to bring butterflies to class so I captured around 30 butterflies put them in a breathable Tupperware and took those to class me being the only person who did this freaked out all the other children with my butterflies , we later released them all in recess it was very pretty

I not only volunteered but gleefully presented live earthworms on my palm to various groups of parents in our school science fare much to the horrified looks of many parents and children about how a little girl like me wasn’t screaming from handling earthworms.

I scared our class mean girl by capturing a butterfly and then turning my hand holding the butterfly in her direction she and a few other girls screamed when I tried to tell them that the little critter was harmless and even offered to let them hold her (I was very confused why they didn’t like this).

10) I was friends with a lot of my teachers as well as higher class teachers especially the Science, Social studies and English teachers. I would often spend my recess in the biology lab chatting with the biology teacher about the different specimens in the lab and how much I enjoyed biology in general. I am half sure I would have loved to study biology/medicine if not for the fact it was a minimum investment of 7 years though I am still an avid reader of new biological discoveries and follow many niche youtube channels that focus on flora and fauna.

11) I was actually friends with all 3 principles in my school and would go to them after my last class to chat about my school day. This was so bizarre to others but I actually enjoyed how much these adults would listen to my info dump even if my own peers won’t.

12) Every single time my report card came I would usually top the class in most subjects except maths in which I usually underperformed ( don’t worry guys I figured out later I just need to know every basic concept to get the deep understanding of mathematical principles which my teachers were very bad at build but I later learned how to do it myself) but it would always have in big bold letters that “I talked to much and have weird questions and am disruptive in class ” which my bad I thought I could get details about what your are teaching and develop great interest but nah we just need to complete the syllabus as fast as we can. Salt on the wound I would only ask questions and discuss topics in class with the teacher since I don’t have friends I could talk to in class. They deadass never ever punished a single student from disrupting in class except me the girl who asked silly questions about what we were studying maybe they thought my questions were weird so I was asking them to disrupt they flow of the class rather than genuine curiosity who knows

13) I had very bad anger issues stemming from how the system as well as authority figures treated me ( I have since been to therapy and gotten help for it ) but a lot of time I verbally and physically attacked an authority figures usually when they punished me for something I didn’t do or when they tried to empty out their frustration on me or tried to bully me in anyway. I never took bullying face down from anybody be it younger or older than me my flight or fight response was always on fight

14) People did tried to bully me physically or verbally but I always returned it in kind with interest so it never really stuck like the isolation did. My most memorable experience with bullying was when I bitch slapped our school mean girl so hard the whole ground heard it , I don’t think I ever got any punishment for it and she later burned every friendship she had by throwing her whole group under the bus for some vandalism they did.

15) I unfortunately never had friends so when they school told me telling an authority figure I am being teased, harassed or even that someone is breaking the rules is what’s morally right I ran with the rules set for me rather than knowing the social norms that this would mark me as the school snitch without the teachers ever doing anything about the issues. Unfortunately I learned the hard way through trial and error that once you are labelled as a snitch their is nothing you can do to get that tag off and it comes with the added benefit of making people never talk to each other near me or even just leave the places I visit alone so yay more loneliness for me

16) I actively volunteered for every single activity and program my school office this sounds great but I picked and got selected for all 7 different fairs (English, Hindi, Maths, Science, Social science, Music, Art) but rather than pick out one or two I helped out with all 7 of them. They later added a 3 groups per person limit.

17) I am actually trained in both classical instrumental and singing but couldn’t complete my singing degree before the program closed down and it’s been 6 years since I played a Casio that I don’t think that even matters anymore. Anyway I added this because at first I did both of these at the same time along with volunteering for all the other activities before they added a 1 course per year limit which is a shame since it cost me my vocal degree.

18) I love reading that just the fact I found reading in my school library when I was 8 haven’t let it go since by my librarian’s estimate I read almost 3000 books (mostly children books) from my school library. I also have a mini collection of about 300 books that I have passed down to both of siblings. These days I read mostly on ao3 or the occasional paperback I bought at the airport but reading is still something I do almost daily.

19) See one thing about me is I was one of the first student at my school so much so my identification number was 35 so me being such an old student my school has actually legends about my quirky ( neurodivergent ) behaviour which has made me understand where most legends actually come from

I walked out of classes so many times teachers to this day still tell stories of the weird girl that likes to walk

My whole school knew who I was mostly because I would be the first and only person that likes to answer philosophical questions asked by our principal in the assembly, I was also great with improvising assembly conductions, thought of the days, assembly quizzes, full speeches on topics told to me 2 minutes ago, even improvised song recitations (can you guys pick up I have social anxiety now).

As I told you my lovelies I love reading so if I was immersed in a book and the class started I would just hide the book to read in class once I got caught so I got termed the girl who like to read books in class( is it stupid yes did it still happened certainly). I later learned to zone out to the stories in my mind during class which was very helpful.

As I told you guys I was actually on pretty friendly terms with my principal and teachers so guess who became the teachers pet for the next 8 years even though most teachers care jack shit about my interest and was further alienated because of this me ofcourse.

I actually once locked myself in the school bathroom for like 4 hours because I hadn’t completed the homework a teacher had given me and she was quite physically abusive towards me. I got suspended for a week because of this funnily enough nobody in my school actually remember this and most are really surprised to know I was suspended.

I am actually really famous or infamous by the way you look at it for physically assaulting a teacher funnily enough the name of the teacher, why I am attacked them and even how I hit them changes from person to person I have actually heard 10-15 different variations from different people( I am not even sure if I actually ever hit a teacher most I remember is I lunged at one teacher but she stepped back so I didn’t even touch her).

20) I was depressed from age 14 to 17 which caused me to chronic pain which later caused me to meet my current psychologist who helped me a lot but is vehemently against me getting any sort of neurodivergent diagnosis most she say is I have borderline adhd tendencies and that I think to much and should focus on calming down my mind which honestly is quite invalidating.

21) I can’t wear any sort of itchy or frilly materials when I was younger ( the texture was soo bad) but my sister could which made my mother think I was being a drama queen.

22) When I was younger I use toilet paper after using a bidet because the feeling of wet pants would over stem me so bad it’s not a problem for me anymore except from sometimes during winters.

23) I didn’t know Chewelry existed when I was younger so I chewed on my nails/skin,my lips, squishy parts of remotes, plastic toys, legos, scarfs, hoody strings, hot glue gun glue, chalk, cement, sand, mud etc. (Yes I know about the microplastics now no I don’t care).

24) I am highly sensitive to sounds so if my fan have a weird creak sound I won’t be able too sleep I also can’t sleep if I hear a clock ticking or any other repetitive sounds ( my mum still doesn’t understand why I can’t just force myself to sleep).

25) I also can’t sleep in continuous silence I need background noise to fall asleep.

26) It took me a whole year of forcing myself to wear bra and panties for my body to finally get used to me wearing them. It was a stimulation nightmare but I think it was worth it I enjoy wearing bras and panties now.

27) I can’t eat apples like I physically cringe even thinking of the sensation of biting into an apple. I have tried cutting an apple into every single why I could I still can’t swallow or even properly chew an apple the texture is such a sensory nightmare for me. Cabbage used to be the same for me but though constant reintroduction I can usually for myself to eat it with a glass of water

28) I have had many foods be absolutely sensory nightmare for me throughout my childhood. I was a very picky eater think bread, soup, lentils and noodles(packet noodles without vegetables). I couldn’t eat any kinds of fruits(except banana), vegetables, pizza , burgers (still don’t eat this), dumplings, wraps, pasta,etc. Heck I was a vegetarian for majority of my life before I learned chicken is actually a great textured food for me though I still don’t eat any form of red meat or sea foods and my food list is still very limited I have constantly reintroduced many foods for myself over the years which I can now usually bear to eat. I also learned that I can usually consume fruit and vegetables better if they are liquids so fruits juices, smoothies and soups were also great help.

29) I was and still am an absolutely clean freak and organiser. Like my bag use to have books organised in this specific order English, Hindi, Maths, Science and then Social studies and it needs to been in this order or I would get anxious. Fortunately no one else in my house ever wanted to organise anything so I would organise everything with way I would want it to be while also being neat.

30) One of my biggest sources of stress came from how dirty my siblings made our room. I would deep clean everything and then organise our books , toys and clothes and then clean and organise our bed they would just bulldozers through and ruin all my hard work in a day or two. Unfortunately I had this sense of cleanliness and order since I was a child and my siblings who were even younger then me weren’t slobs(ok maybe my brother was but anyway) they just weren’t wired to like cleanliness and order like I did and being children anything I told them about how we can keep our room clean went over their heads because I was always their to do it for them.

31) I actually had many special interests growing up though I didn’t have trains as an interest except for the cool toy train set I got as a gift or the maglev trains who are objectively very cool. My biggest special interest were rocks, space and animals especially all the books Nat geography and scholastic puts out on animals. I actually had a rock collection mostly made up of sedimentary rock and a piece of lime stone which my mother later kept in the shed where it got lost during home construction. I also have a modest collection of books and another collection of small childhood trinkets that I still have (I recently bought a clay bird that mimics actual bird call when filled with a little water to add to my collection).

32) I forget I need to eat and drink it’s always been like this I don’t have that internal clock that says you are thirsty go drink water or you are hungry go eat food . I need to remind myself it’s been 12 hrs I probably need water it’s been 32 hrs you should probably get some food or at least have a protein shake it’s like my body has no sense of hunger or thirst but I am getting better at eating and drinking at least the drinking water part anyway.

33) I am tired it’s not recent but in the last few years since I became an adult I feel so tired I use to be the topper of my class the gifted children that participated in everything now I am in college and just getting an 80% feels draining everyone has so much hope for me that I could and should do better but I am just tired. I walk and trekk sometimes but I don’t participate in any events and I see others I see my roommate who participates in like 5 different events and still gets a 95% if she can do it why can’t I. I use to be able to do so much and now I don’t have the drive to do much of anything anymore it’s so painful to realise that I should do better but what does better looks like for someone who is as tired as I am.

I did took some online test as well just to see if I even had a chance and the results were mostly the same I have many Adhd/Autistic tendencies and should probably get a professional diagnosis. I would be very thankful if my fellow autistic and adhd people would help me add more targeted experiences so I can finally get a diagnosis

@my-autism-adhd-blog you inspired me write all of this down and it would be very helpful if you could guide me to get a better diagnosis because of your experience. Also I greatly enjoy the contents of your blog so thank you for that

#autistic things #autism #autism spectrum #neurodivergent #neurodivergent experience #neurodivergence #actually neurodivergent #neurodivergent things #actually autistic #actually adhd #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #adhd

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gamma-radio · 1 year

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I hate when people play phone audio out loud in public spaces. The screechy quality of phone speakers, the disregard for literally anyone's auditory comfort, my poor autistic ears — I rage mode.

I know I'm not alone, so I am going to share my flawless embarrassment-free technique to get them to stop.

1) Carry a pair of earbuds on you. Not required, but it helps give you the confidence to actually confront them

2) walk up to them and be as nice as possible, no matter how mad you are. However, do not explain yourself or apologize, just make a simple request: "Hi, would you mind using earbuds for that?" (You're not asking them to stop, just change their method)

3a) 90% of the time they will shamefully put their phone away, and because you were so nice, they aren't even mad at you!! Then you can thank them for being so thoughtful, and maybe compliment their shirt or something! Everybody loves compliments.

3b) Alternatively, they might say, "I don't have earbuds." Normally, this would put you in an awkward situation, but You aren't normal. You are Prepared.

OFFER THE EARBUDS: "That's okay," you say, "you can borrow mine!" dazzling smile, you are so nice and thoughtful, what a great guy you are

Don't worry about losing your earbuds (or if you don't actually have earbuds), because they won't accept your offer. THEN they will put their phone away of their own free will. You never even had to ask.

If you want a detailed explanation of why this works (for the autistic besties, I see u):

People don't like it when you tell them what to do, especially if that request is to stop doing their activity in any shape or form. It pisses them off, and rightfully so! No one wants to be controlled.

That's why this method is so good: you never asked them to stop their activity, you asked them to make a small change to how they are doing the activity, which is far less obtrusive.

This works for lots of things, and lots of people. Imagine being a kid, goofing around, and someone says, "Stop doing that." Upsetting! Compared to: "Would you mind being quieter?" Because really, the issue is not that you are goofing around, the issue is that you are being loud and disruptive about it.

Same goes for the stranger on their phone in public. It's totally fine that they're watching a video, the problem is that they're being disruptive, and chances are they know that being disruptive is rude.

The second half of why this works is offering the earbuds.

When you ask them to change how they're doing their activity, you are placing a burden on them. If they have a pair already, it is a very tiny burden. If they don't have a pair, it is suddenly an insurmountable burden, and that's very uncomfortable. In fact, it's so uncomfortable that by making the request, you might become the bad guy in the situation (according to them) even if you're being nice, and even if they're in the wrong.

That's why you offer the earbuds. Now you are actively helping them by alleviating the burden. You are being kind and thoughtful instead of demanding!

Sure, they might think you're a little weird, because it's not part of the social script, but they've got no ground to be mad at you.

Which brings up the last point: offering to lend your earbuds isn't part of the social script. It's surprising, and so their default reaction is to avoid that path: they will decline your offer. So, you don't have to worry about a stranger wearing your earbuds with their gross stranger ears.

So that's the whole idea behind the method. Confrontation that is respectful and thoughtful of their autonomy and your comfort all at the same time. ~social engineering for good~

#sensory overstimulation #autism #sensory overload #autistic #neurodivergent #social engineering #social etiquette #my post

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unoriginal-and-dumb · 6 months

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I am doing things I AM DOING THINGS I AM!

Explanations for designs and some head canons below here :3

Infected - Asian-American Autistic ADHD aroace (😈) trans. Yknow Wybie from Coraline? Yea like that but like incredibly annoying. His voice sounds like it’s coming from a shitty mic all the time

Lampert (design by @lucid-daydreaming-art )- Autistic 🇸🇪 ja aroace (😈) funny lamp guy Robots-esque probably kinda talks like baymax honestly, I mean a bit different but yknow, the general idea

(I talk about these 2 enough it’s the others turns)

Poob - I think they are a dumb little critter. They run around and their arms flail in the wind like paper. When they try to clap is makes dog toy squeaking sounds. I don’t think they abide by the rules of physics which is why they are stupid looking ❤️ they have hammer space but it is only for weed related items. The curator of the forever weed brownie, if you will. I think they sound like X from bfb. Aroace (😈)

Pest - literally hates poob because they are small and annoying. Uhhh funky legs because I think he would have funky legs. I stole his eyes because well no real reason, but I think if he was like extra pissed you would see his eyes. Since he is like thief maxxing I do not think he would be wearing anything beyond a hoodie and sweatpants, something trying to be non-assuming I guess. He has hair I think but it is very short no way would he want to deal with that. I don’t have a voice hc for him yet. Aroace (😈)

Bive - she a freakkkkk ehhh. I think she is like freakishly tall, has funny bird legs, raggedy ass scrawny tail, and is constantly covered in hair. Her teeth are kinda just floating on her hair head, so if you punched her hard enough they would just go flying out and she would have to put them back into her head silly girl. I think she is also trans hahaahhahahahaha!!! I think she kinda sounds like ENA from dream bbq, the uhh angry side I believe. Ace (😈)

Split - I gave her dog ears because I think they are cute :) she’s probably like normal ish height Bive is just weirdly tall. She looks very nice and friendly but could probably throw a boulder at you and you will die sowyyyy. Gods most chillaxxed soldier. She gives me kind older lady feelings, even if she weren’t older. I dunno she would be like one of those people who have a comically large purse full of hard candy except it would all be banana flavored. I think she has a slower voice, HAVENT gotten an exact idea for her voice yet but she seems very calm. Ace (😈)

Pilby - I didn’t really add or change their design because I already liked it a lot. I think they are very sweet and kind looking, would make a great plush too but I guess we are not ready to talk about that (YES I am still bitter about it) I think being around them is akin to looking outside a window at an apple orchard while it’s raining a bit. I think they sound a bit like raggedy Anne, based on the creators response too. Aroace (😈)

Spud! - I honestly did not have much come to me for his design, they are just a bit of a funky feller and im not sure how I would add to it honestly. Oh but I do think that they run like an ostrich and it is very scary. Also while drawing I was debating why he had a bow and decided that Gnarpy was like CONGRATZ IN ZURVIVING THE TEZTZ and now Spud! Just has a stupid little yuor did it ribbon. Honestly no clue for voice hc… aroace (😈)

Gnarpy - had a lot of fun with xis design honestly. The redesign reminded me a lot of Stitch so I kinda just shoved that into xim. I think they act a lot like Zim. Like a lot. Probably equally as stupid. I think xis second arms are retractable, like stitch, and xe uses that as a very very shitty disguise that everyone can see right through but just don’t mention because xe seems to be having a good time. I think xe sounds like Four from BFB (the earlier episodes mostly) aroace (😈)

DRRETRO - I think that her head that we see in the game is like a projection of herself, Wagstaff Don’t Starve style. Her body would be like excruciatingly normal besides her head, too. Like go to the hospital and see a nurse, that’s just what she looks like. Very normal, it’s a bit unnerving since her head is that. She’s like those overly friendly posters in a very uncomfortable place type of feeling. She doesn’t have fur either, she’s just a weird cat doctor thing. She acts exactly like Doctor Barber from Flapjack. No voice hc, but she speaks in meows so probably just meowing. Aroace (😈)

Mark - I started thinking about tf2 and Anton blast. Anyway, he is completely made from wood other than the clothes. Beard is carved in, not sure if I got that across in the drawing though. Uh yea I don’t have much I just really like engineer. He wears flannel and a construction vest just like any good law avoiding construction worker. Definitely does not so legal things on his construction sites but does not give two shits about that and also probably would try to employ Lampert when he was younger for free workers (no im not projecting what are you talking about). How on the nose would it be to say he sounds like engineer because I just drew wooden engineer with a beard. Ace (😈)

Wallter - sorry wallter fans I had no ideas while drawing him. I dunno he’s big and he’s cement, so I kept him blocky. Urrrrr he has a can of grey stuff jingle jingle. He is the cement embodiment of that one tweet that’s like “nothing better than a glass of wine, except for maybe #men. #yep #imgay! He kinda seems like one of those lowkey scary bald gay guys who are nice but are also scary and still bald. He’s bald. No idea on voice maybe concrete sliding on asphalt for 10 hours. Ace (😈)

#all of them are at least asexual #I MAKE THE RULES I WOULD KNOW!#sigh yes I understand if you have separate ideas I don’t control that don’t leave hate I am aware #I’ll tag when I finish the all of them in a separate post

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tontoemojis · 7 months

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Hello there & welcome to tontoemojis !

Call me Tonto or Timón or { Molten } Freddy , it/its pronouns or no pronouns { sometimes varies between me & us , or talks in 3rd person when referring to self } . Timón is an autist , mentally & physically disabled hispanic artist 🤟 , I talk & type weird eccentric . Nonhuman schizophrenic hippie scary animatronic 🦥 , NPD BPD C - PTSD & more . Semiverbal part - time AAC user & low - medium supports , probably . ➕️ more about me

This blog is one a sideblog mainly to post some little emoji doodles & my own personal AAC or disability related stuff . Askbox is always open for everyone that wants to request emojis of all types or wants to help me practice AAC !!! , askbox & Tumblr are shitty & sometimes they delete random asks , if your ask has been ignored it probably is because I am in the process of making your request or Tumblr deleted it . All interactions come from @animatronicthing .

➡️ MY AMAZING PFP WAS DRAWN BY @k9emote MY BABYGIRL !!! , GO SUPPORT & LOVE HER ART NOW .

I process language very difficult , it may seem like I have short vocabulary or weird talking , it is hard for me to understand everything so be patient with requests . Do not send requests with fancy fonts or super all colored text , just plain text thank you .

I don ’ t like arguing , I normally just block & live my life as happy as I can . No set DNI for this blog either .

You can help me & support my blog right here , it would help a lot :3 👉 Ko-fi

Free Palestine , Ukraine & Congo 🇵🇸 🇺🇦 🇨🇩

👤⠀About the emojis ;

All kinds of emojis are made here , from yellow { or any other color } guy to basic core words . The language can also vary . Literally anything can be requested ; NSFW , wordmojis , animals . ONLY exceptions are complex characters from media which are done in commissions . Do not repost my emojis on sites like Pinterest or etc . You may use emojis here for AAC , discord servers , personal use , NOT COMMERCIAL USE .

There is a looooong wait for emojis . Please be specific when requesting , I have no idea what you mean when you say ““ emojis of x thing ”” what are those emojis that you want ??? , no idea …

You can use my emojis without credit although credit is very appreciated , just do not claim them as yours . if you are gonna repost my work add credit . if you are going to take inspo from my emojis please tell me I would love to see !!! . Do not recolor , trace or edit my emojis , just request it & I can do it myself ; less work for you !!!

Emoji commissions open !!! , check my emoji commissions here { link } .

OFFICIAL TONTOEMOJIS SERVER HERE !!! 🌻

🗃⠀Tags of the blog ;

#nsfw tag — post with NSFW related emojis , from sex to gore to other stuff . BLOCK IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THESE .

#tonto's AAC — our own personal AAC stuff .

#tonto text post — post us talking .

#tonto's art — post us our doodles .

#silly friendos — Tonto ’ s friends . That's it !

#tonto text post #tonto's AAC #pinned post #information about the blog

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hot-chocolate-rat · 7 months

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Reading through @badaziraphaletakes inspired me to make a post about reasons:

Why people tend to choose Crowley of Aziraphale, and, consequently, think Aziraphale is bad

This might be a long post, i'll cover some topics and i might get all over the place at some point! But please be patient! Can i get into it?

Inversion of values

When first watching Good Omens, you might expect a strong inversion of values, that Heaven is bad and Hell is good, angels are the oppresors and demons the victims

It is mostly religiously (religious trauma) motivated, aka "christianity is a fucking bullshit" motivated, to expect seeing the ones who calls themselfs good (Heaven, who we interpret as Christian religious figures) be actually bad (wich, in real life, they tend to be) and, the ones they cast out as evil and sinful (Hell, wich we interpret in this case as anyone the church calls sinful, like the queer comunity) to be good and innocent and just different, it makes us feel emphatic for them, even seeing that they are, indeed, bad

I believe some people just dont want to accept it, they want to believe the angels are inherently bad and the demons just questioned their bad ways

But they arent, if anything ALL angels and demons are naturally good and innocent, "oh but Gabriel!" He was naturally good, we saw it, the same with Michael and Uriel too, they're all just tainted by the strong grip Heaven demands for them to have; in episode 1 season 2, we see both Crowley (as starmaker) and Aziraphale being totally innocent and adorable, they're good by nature, no one in the story is actually evil

When this inversion of values we wish for isnt fulfilled, it might cause an annoyance, i know a lot of people who dont accept it, and just make it up because... well is expected!

Queerness

This was originally taken from a post of "Bad Aziraphale Takes"

Crowley is "more queer" than Aziraphale, at least thats how people see it as, in fics too, how many times Crowley gender is explored, with pronouns and labels and identities? While the more i saw for Aziraphale was a vulva or they/them pronouns, and never in a human au! Aziraphale is depicted and seem as a cisgender male

I have seem even people saying Aziraphale have internalized homophobia! I- how??

Found them! @theelastword made an ask on the "bad Aziraphale takes" blog that inspired this bit <3 thank you love

Need for a villain and favorites

As we saw, people that hate Aziraphale choose to see Heaven as evil, as the villain, and that is also followed by many people who dont hate Aziraphale! Well, might i say that... we dont have a real villain in Good Omens? The angels arent evil for wishing to follow what they believe to be God's plan, nor for deminishing humanity- but i'm getting ahead of myself here!

The need to see Heaven as inhetently bad, the big bad villain, makes people see Aziraphale, going back there "freely", hurting Crowley's feelings, saying Hell/demons are the bad guys (wich they ARE?? There is not an inversion of values!) As him being evil, as him going to the side of the villain instesd of choosing Crowley, going back to CROWLEY'S abusers, not his, not theirs, Crowley

I do believe humans have a natural need to have favorites, when you're a kid is always "wich caracther of this cartoon am i?" and later is always "wich do i relate to more? Wich do i like more?", and people choose Crowley for all those reasons above and probally some personal ones too

So! As a small conclusion:

People choose to prefer Crowley, they choose to see Crowley as better because he's a "good demon", he's the victim that fell from Heaven and hates Hell, he's the queer caracther, he's kind and genuine and helps Aziraphale and have a car he loves

Because of the idea that Aziraphale is: A) opposite to Crowley; B) an Angel! (The abusers! The bad guys! The evil!); C) a BAD angel for that matter, he's selfish and mundane and comes across as rude to Crowley (because he acts so fucking autistic too!); people tend to DISLIKE Aziraphale, small simple minded people, but people nonetheless

I know the whole post is a bit over the place, it might sound confusing here and there, but i really wanted to put all this together to try and understand why people hate Aziraphale

I though maybe this can give a small input on why people think like that, it sures helps me to understand how they think that and what they mean by their terrible takes! I guess is mostly them being naive

Oh! You know how in the 2000's the media was demonizing femininity by having blond, pink, feminine villains in their high school romances? How we, to this day, tend to see feminine girls as fake, vulgar, naive, etc? How most teen girls go through a "not like other girls phase" because of that?

Same principle! Is the same reason for why they see Heaven and Aziraphale as evil

I hope someone can appreciate this lil silly thoughs put together <3

#good omens #aziraphale #crowley #innefable husbands #good omens 2 #badaziraphaletakes #good aziraphale takes #for once

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urplepurplegurgleturgle · 2 months

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» The devil��s coming but only to worship me_.

Heyo guys, gals, and nonbinary pals! I'm Donatello, but I more commonly go by Don. I'm your average ninja mutant turtle teen with a penchant for violence and chaotic shenanigans. I'm just a silly guy, don't be afraid to hang around! You can slide something into my inbox while you're at it, I won't mind !

OC MASTERPOST (Last updated: July 1st)

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PRONOUNS PAGE

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THE GANG!!!

#atomic bomb [⚛️🧪] - @atomic-rattz (BEST BRO 🗣🗣🗣)

#Nebula [⭐️♠️]- @splatting-stampede (Nee-chan!!!)

#insufferable twink 🧡 - @rawcherrycake (my beloveth.. <3)

Other moots!

#eepy tello 💤 - @mrsleepytello (annoying star-gremlin /aff)

#cassette tape 📼 - @cin3maa (THE LIL SIS EVER‼️‼️)

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#cyan.txt [🧬] - My oc DNA's talking tag (he took over my blog once)

ADDITIONAL INFO UNDER CUT (PLEASE READ)

MY ART REQUESTS ARE CLOSED!!

Please don’t ask if my requests or commissions are open. They aren’t. And I don’t plan to open them any time soon. I’m a self-indulgent artist who draws what he wants, and I’d like to keep it that way.

INTERESTS Feel free to talk to me about these things!

Splatoon and the Splatoon Manga (aka coroika). It's my favorite video game EVER and I am more than ready to gush about it.

Pokemon. I'm not as well versed in the earlier games, but I do know quite a bit of it!

Legend of Zelda. Specifically BoTW, TotK, TP, and SS.

Kirby. I am I HUGE fan of the eldritch horrors in this game.

Haikyuu, SpyxFamily, Kuroko no Basket, Dungeon Meshi, and Kusuriya no Hitorigoto.

Vocaloid and J-pop. It's all I listen to, actually.

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Tcest, incest, and proshippers DNI

I make suggestive jokes (I'm a teen. What dost thou expect of me), but I won't be drawing NFSW, nor will I accept me or other minors being sexualized. We are not child molesters.

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16 years old

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I ate a roly poly once (I was fIVE-)

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I may be a Donnie but I am warning you, I am very. Very dumb

AuDHD (I just say I'm autistic tho because it's funnier)

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Keeps getting adopted by people for some reason

Yyyyyeeahhhhh that's about it, remember to be nice and have fun and shit. Stay silly gang!!!!

#purple.txt [👾]#my art #blog intro #I'M SO SORRY TO EVERYONE TAGGED HERE HRHGAHGEHAGE IGNORE THIS #Spotify

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mrmistakemakeroy · 1 month

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how i see "The helper" episode . (i have diagnosed adhd and autism fyi: everyone is different so take what i say with that context <3 not all autistic people are like me so please understand this is more based on my experience personally)

Really weird post i know but hear me out. When i watch "The helper " i immediatly think about having meltdowns as a little kid or just any age in general wether online or irl.

^ Like if you`re looking at it like i am, you can understand why id say it feels like hes having a meltdown / breakdown because something that makes sense to him most of the time, now makes no sense at all to him / freaks him out |

| (Being unable to help people because they do not need his help which he is not used to , thus making him react way worse then most people would sense it is something very special to him Like how people will have specific special intrests or hyperfixations etc) personally i freak out and get meltdowns when my pc is broken or needs fixed and i cannot draw whatsoever for long peroids of time. )

and how you / i would immediatly feel ashamed , nervous and guilty afterwards , or just generally exhausted or depending on the person feel like a burden on the people around you.

(also for this next part yes i know this is implied to be sylvia`s idea but it still makes me wanna tear up because it hits home way too hard) and other people will immediatly treat you as a "trouble maker" that has to be dealt with , punished or pushed aside even tho its something you cant help and sometimes cant even understand .

the dialogue espeically is a gut punch for me.

"ohh.. So this is the guy you want out of town "

" i get it " he`s hurt , and ashamed of himself. and its probably a stretch but i feel like this has happened before because of how he says " i get it . " then he tries to turn it into a positive as per usual to his character writing , thats how much he loves helping people.

its his special intrest / hyperfixation <3333 so of course he can try to turn it into something fun . and the rest of the episode goes on as he Does what they asked him to. and they immediately reward him for throwing himself out of their way .

(this genuinely makes me so mad i`m sorry fuck those towns people man you could`ve just talked to him instead GRAHHHH) and how he gets super happy after FINALLY pleasing them.

hes so silly :33

also this last bit makes me angry a little

"son"

"thanks" ( im going to eat your soul stfu /halfjoke )

"happy i could help!! "

"that makes two of us " (BONUS) ALSO I WANT TO MENTION the scene where he tries to " stop " lord hater. I feel like this is him being pushed to his absolute limit to a point he tried to do something very out of character just for the comfort and relief of "doing something good" like hes reverting to the basics of "being a good guy " just to get that comfort of helping someone again.

it reminds me of that Version of himself in "the wanders" where the piece of himself that holds his trauma / what made him want to help everyone is still not inside of him yet, and he goes on a rant about how he is going to stop lord hater

"wander are you okay ?? " "im MORE then okay "

"IMMMM PERFECT !"

"Now come trusty steed , its time to stop that HEARTLESS evil doer LORD HATER ONCE AND FOR ALL !! "

"wait what-" "stop ?"

"YES! i am a good guy , and he is a bad guy. " "AND I STOP HIM ! "

------------------- HELPPPPP.... seriously tho sorry for the long rant about this episode but it genuinely hit home so hard that i have cried multipule times unironicly because of it. Reminder that im veiwing this through my own experience of growing up on the spectrum (adhd + autism specifically) not everyone on the spectrum will be the same as me when it comes to this episode. I had to get this out of my system because it was eating at my brain sorry yall 💔💔💔

if i made any typos or worded anything weird its becuase its harder for me to write long posts plus as of writing its 01:17 on my computor clock.

#wander over yonder #wanderoveryonder #woy wander #wander #wander woy #woy #wander over yonder sylvia

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mccromy · 3 months

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The beauty of QuanYin is that they have all the things that make HuaLian so good, but instead of bringing them together, it teared them appart.

I am talking about faith.

The things is, half of the ship is an autistic guy who's extremely good at one thing (kicking ass) and often gets infantilized by other characters or treated as if he's stupid, just for ignoring social niceties and refusing to entertain the idea that the only person who's shown him kindness is actually an evil lying snake who always secretly hated him.

And the other half of the ship is a guy who's main goal was always to just be a good person AND kick ass, but who's also always been an overachiever, so he wants to be Perfect at being kind and aims to ascend as a Martial God. His standards for himself are so high, he believes that thinking unkind thoughts means he failed (got a bad grade at being good), and doesn't understand why the man who only cares and understand actions, facts, and spoken words would believe him to be a Perfectly Kind person.

Because Yin Yu not only was outwardly kind to Quan Yizhen, but he also always tried to get others to be good to him as well. What's more, he didn't start resenting or thinking badly of Quan Yizhen until their ascension, and even then he never took it out on Quan Yizhen. Until he snapped at the worst possible moment.

Quan Yizhen knows Yin Yu is the sort of person that would always choose to do the right thing, no matter how difficult. So, if Yin Yu ever chose to hurt him, then either it must've been a misunderstanding, or he must have had a good reason. Because for Quan Yizhen, if there was anybody in the world he could trust, it was Yin Yu.

And Yin Yu, who's set unachievable standars for himself, feels that resenting someone who's blameless makes him awful and unworthy, and not merely human and flawed. And having Quan Yizhen see him as the man Yin Yu wants to be, but actually isn't, hurts him deeply, because he's not good or kind, he's petty and jealous. I feel he must have been terrified of disappointing Quan Yizhen, which he probably saw as an unavoidable outcome now that his shidi had the opportunity to truly shine in heavens

And it's not only Quan Yizhen believing Yin Yu to be perfect (which he doesn't, but I'll get to that later) but it's also Yin Yu believing Quan Yizhen is perfect. He's everything he wants to be, a true Martial God. And whatever flaw makes Quan Yizhen so unpalatable to others, Yin Yu sees them as unavoidable of being Quan Yizhen. Not good or bad, but expected, justifiable. (Can you really get angry at the sun if it burns you, how can you blame a bee for stinging you? Did you really expect you wouldn't get wet walking unprotected in the pouring rain.)

If Quan Yizhen is arrogant and tactless it's because he's naturally strong and honest. Quan Yizhen's bluntness means he's not two faced (like Yin Yu), it doesn't matter that Quan Yizhen can't read the room, because Quan Yizhen is above caring how he comes across to others (like Yin Yu does), if you think Quan Yizhen is annoying then that's not his fault, it's yours for not being as good as he is (Yin Yu sometimes finds him annoying).

QuanYin parallels HuaLian not only in the devotion, tirelessly searching, ghost/god relationship, but in the "unconditional belief in the other" more so even, because they had more time spent together getting to know each other. This faith wasn't built on sacrifices, on saving lives, on deeds of decisive righteousness.

This faith was built on years of growing up together.

Quan Yizhen believes in Yin Yu, because he knows Yin Yu will always choose to do the right thing. Yin Yu believes in Quan Yizhen, because he knows Quan Yizhen is as honest as he is loyal. They see the best in the other and know that it's fact (and it is!) but at the same time, that certainty hurt them both in a way it never did hualian. With Hua Cheng and Xie Lian, that unconditional faith meant salvation. To Quan Yizhen and Yin Yu, it led to them falling apart.

Quan Yizhen knows Yin Yu is good, because Yin Yu always chooses to do good things. Yin Yu thinks himself to be a liar and knows Quan Yizhen thinks Yin Yu is good, because Quan Yizhen would never lie. Because Yin Yu will always want to be good, he won't admit to Quan Yizhen his steadfast belief in him hurts him, because it would mean admitting just how small and petty he is, and it could lead to Quan Yizhen seeing Yin Yu's true self, and as Quan Yizhen is frank to a painful degree, he would immediately let him know how disappointed he is. And as Quan Yizhen is so honest, he literally calls it as he sees it. If Quan Yizhen sees Yin Yu as not enough, it means Yin Yu is not enough. Quan Yizhen is not to blame for Yin Yu's flaws, and so the right thing to do (for Quan Yizhen) is to keep being patient and kind, and not take out his own frustrations on a person who would never willingly hurt him. To keep Quan Yizhen seeing Yin Yu as perfect.

Their faith in the other keeps them apart. And this is because unlike with Hua Cheng and Xie Lian, they didn't start as god and believer, but as martial brothers of the same sect, who eventually reached divinity, and held for the other a certainty of righteousness only the most devoted would hold for a god.

And the sad thing is that they were both right. But the things that make someone good for one of them, would not cut it for the other.

Yin Yu thinks, if my actions are good but hide resentment and hate, then they aren't good at all. They're fake, and so, worthless.

Quan Yizhen thinks, if my actions hurt others even when there was only love and good intentions behind them, then what good are they? They're worthless.

Yin Yu ends up hating Quan Yizhen, but not as Jian Yu or the other gods or disciples hated him, just for being as he was. Yin Yu hates Quan Yizhen because Quan Yizhen turned him into the sort of person he never wanted to be. He resents him because Quan Yizhen shone so bright Yin Yu realized he was a candle flame under daylight. Because Quan Yizhen was good in a way Yin Yu would never be, plagued with envy and not a lick of talent.

Yin Yu doesn't actually blame Quan Yizhen for his downfall, he blames Quan Yizhen for leading Yin Yu to cause it. Yin Yu hates Quan Yizhen because he makes Yin Yu hate himself. And, in the end, Yin Yu will always hate himself more than he could ever hate Quan Yizhen. Yin Yu hates himself, because he hates someone he loves. He hated himself because he couldn't understand how someone could ever want to hurt Quan Yizhen, and then Yin Yu hurt him in the worst way possible. The moment Yin Yu lost control, his ugly inner self spilled out. Yin Yu hurt someone good, someone who never deserved to be hurt, and besides that dares resent him for showing Yin Yu how rotten he was inside. Which makes Yin Yu hate himself further, because now he's become the sort of person he always hated the most. And even at the end, as he died for Quan Yizhen, he could not let go of his resentment. He just couldn't let it go.

There's no end to it. It's self fueling and self fulfilling.

On his part, Quan Yizhen would never blame Yin Yu. He would never hate him.

Let's look at this through a more personal lent. I know many people, especially neurodivergent people, struggle with the constant anxiety of your friends and family secretly hating you (I know I do). Finding out that someone you thought was your friend actually couldn't stand you, would make you feel cheated, betrayed. And most likely, it would lead you to believe this was your fault. If your friend hated you, it's because you're unlovable (by the way, that's not how it works, but it is how it makes people feel).

Now, people never cared about Quan Yizhen's feelings. They would talk badly about him with no regard if he was listening, would be hostile if not patronizing. Would openly resent him for things he couldn't understand, blame him for things out of his control (for example, blatant favoritism from his teachers).

But.

There was always someone who cared about Quan Yizhen's feelings. Who never spoke badly of him. Who always admonished the people who patronized him or blamed him, even if Quan Yizhen was not around to hear him defend him. Who actually got into trouble by taking responsibility for Quan Yizhen's actions, repeatedly. Who always took Quan Yizhen's side, who saw talent in him when others only saw a dirty street rat. Someone who patiently reassured him that if others thought Quan Yizhen was annoying, it was their fault for getting annoyed, and not Yizhen's.

Someone who, when given the chance to leave him behind in a way nobody would blink twice at, brought him along and kept him by his side. Someone who chose him time and time again.

Quan Yizhen did have an inkling that he sometimes annoyed Yin Yu, and was fully aware that he got him into trouble (Jian Yu was never shy when it came to shouting just how much Quan Yizhen was dragging Yin Yu down). And despite all of that, Yin Yu stood by him and cared for him.

There was a time he knew Yin Yu loved him, and if Yin Yu didn't love him at least he would never hurt him, he would never let others hurt him.

And then, suddenly, Yin Yu tried to kill him. In strange, extreme circumstances: right after Quan Yizhen had brutally and unwillingly murdered a number of people, as he was wearing a cursed garment that forced him to do anything Yin Yu told him to, he shouted at Quan Yizhen to kill himself.

It was a series of events that made no sense in the eyes of someone who knew Yin Yu as well as Quan Yizhen did.

So it was either a huge misunderstanding, or Quan Yizhen finally fucked up so bad he became unlovable in the eyes of the only person who mattered.

And now everybody in heaven and earth spoke horribly of the only person who ever cared for Quan Yizhen. The people who claimed to follow and worship Quan Yizhen put on plays meant to humiliate Yin Yu. Others expected him to agree that Yin Yu was a liar, a jealous two-faced snake.

To Quan Yizhen, if they were right ( they weren't) and Yin Yu was a liar who always secretly hated him, then that meant nobody had ever loved Quan Yizhen. And if they were wrong (they were) then it meant Quan Yizhen hurt Yin Yu so badly, did something so awful, the only choice Yin Yu had, the only right choice at the moment, was to make Quan Yizhen kill himself.

Or, it was all a big misunderstanding (hopefully).

Quan Yizhen doesn't think Yin Yu is perfect, he doesn't want him to be either. All he wants is to be good for Yin Yu, to Yin Yu. He loves Yin Yu just as he is.

Yin Yu already believes Quan Yizhen is good, and to, and for Yin Yu. Is Yin Yu who is bad. Yin Yu who's unlovable.

Hua Cheng had faith in Xie Lian's inherent goodness. When Xie Lian stopped believing in himself, Hua Cheng's faith and unconditional love saved him.

But Hua Cheng never saw himself as an equal, just as a stepping stone, the incense in Xie Lian's altar. He loved and worshipped him, and he was content to see him safe and happy. And when Xie Lian saw him as someone deserving of love, even if Hua Cheng didn't believe it himself, he believed in Xie Lian

Quan Yizhen and Yin Yu wanted to be equals, they wanted to stand side by side. And to achieve said equality, they set standards to strive for, based on the way they saw the other. But they would never reach their goals together, because they set them in opposite directions.

Had they started as god and devotee, then it would've played similarly as HuaLian did: I am worthy because you believe I'm worthy. I am lovable because you love me. I'm good because you think I'm good. I can do anything because you trust me.

For QuanYin, though, it went: I am unworthy because I'm not like you. I am unlovable because I can't love myself through your eyes. I'm not good because I'm not good the way you are. Please don't trust me, I'll disappoint you. I'll let you down, I'll let you down, I'll let you down.

Yin Yu could not stand the idea of Quan Yizhen secretly hating him, so he hid to never be faced with it. Quan Yizhen would gladly take Yin Yu hating his guts, as long as he hated him within arm's reach.

Miscommunication caused by knowing each other so well, they were convinced they could not miscommunicate.

Self loathing born out of loving the things that made the other hate themselves.

But since their inner turmoil and personal struggles manifest in two clowns running in circles, people tend to, understandably, overlook them in favor of the considerably more dramatic BeefLeaf, or the outwardly antagonistic FengQing —both ships counting with further on-text development, higher stakes, and heavier emotional baggage than our humble, relatable QuanYin.

#THIS IS LONG #quanyin #yin yu #quan yizhen #tgcf #welcome to my quanyin agenda #I needed to spill these obsessive thoughts somewhere #mip

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