#neurodivergent experience

[rokonrrc2]

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Please, for the love of god, leave me CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS!!! If you think it’s implied, I promise you that to me it is not. If you give me poorly worded or vague directions I’m gonna spend half an hour stressing over the potential different ways to interpret them and either become paralyzed with indecision or inevitably interpret them the least correct way possible

[mysticcrownwolf]

So your girl finally had a autistic meltdown and finally asked her mum about her childhood and got some mixed results but long story short I am finally getting an official autism and adhd diagnosis because in my mums words “Everyone deserves things that make their life easier to live”. Not gonna lie guys I did cried about this but it also came up that they did tried to get me diagnosed before (I don’t remember this at all) but were told I just had very high levels of hyperactivity so to make sure this type of bullshit doesn’t happen again I am making a list of all my weird or quirky traits and having the neurodivergents of Tumblr peer review them so I can finally get a diagnosis after 19 years of struggling.

1) I didn’t ever in my life made or had friends that stick around.

2) I was actually alienated a lot by most people in my life for being the umbrella term they all coined as ‘weird’ what this weird means varies from person to person.

3) I have actually been told by other girls that they gave me a chance to keep them company even after many people told them I was too weird and they should stay away from me. These same people later called me slurs, were self absorbed or just plain abusive towards me.

4) Through out my whole life I have sat alone on a double bench because no one wanted to sit with me in class.

5) I have a problem with properly spelling certain words like I write weird as ‘wierd’ or video as ‘vedio’.

6) People constantly doubt I have any sense of knowledge and act like any good idea I give is a surprise even when I was on the top of the class the phrases like “ That’s the first good idea you ever had” weren’t uncommon.

7) I walk a lot and I mean a lot enough that hyperactivity has still been a part of my diagnostic because I walked so much they had no choice but to put that in. I actually come to the school 30 minutes early then walked the whole time, I would just up and leave classes to walk in corridors because I couldn’t sit still long enough, my walking is such a huge part of me my old teachers still tell their classes about me as the girl that walked too much.

8) People in my college nicknamed me the headphone girl because I walked around our whole campus( I would pace a lot around the parameters) with my only noticeable feature being my headphones.

9) I was the only kid in my school not scared of bugs which lead to some notable incidents

I once picked a small green caterpillar and showed it off to my class of 10 year olds they started crying and teacher made me throw the bug even though I wanted to keep it as a pet

Our teacher once asked us to bring butterflies to class so I captured around 30 butterflies put them in a breathable Tupperware and took those to class me being the only person who did this freaked out all the other children with my butterflies , we later released them all in recess it was very pretty

I not only volunteered but gleefully presented live earthworms on my palm to various groups of parents in our school science fare much to the horrified looks of many parents and children about how a little girl like me wasn’t screaming from handling earthworms.

I scared our class mean girl by capturing a butterfly and then turning my hand holding the butterfly in her direction she and a few other girls screamed when I tried to tell them that the little critter was harmless and even offered to let them hold her (I was very confused why they didn’t like this).

10) I was friends with a lot of my teachers as well as higher class teachers especially the Science, Social studies and English teachers. I would often spend my recess in the biology lab chatting with the biology teacher about the different specimens in the lab and how much I enjoyed biology in general. I am half sure I would have loved to study biology/medicine if not for the fact it was a minimum investment of 7 years though I am still an avid reader of new biological discoveries and follow many niche youtube channels that focus on flora and fauna.

11) I was actually friends with all 3 principles in my school and would go to them after my last class to chat about my school day. This was so bizarre to others but I actually enjoyed how much these adults would listen to my info dump even if my own peers won’t.

12) Every single time my report card came I would usually top the class in most subjects except maths in which I usually underperformed ( don’t worry guys I figured out later I just need to know every basic concept to get the deep understanding of mathematical principles which my teachers were very bad at build but I later learned how to do it myself) but it would always have in big bold letters that “I talked to much and have weird questions and am disruptive in class ” which my bad I thought I could get details about what your are teaching and develop great interest but nah we just need to complete the syllabus as fast as we can. Salt on the wound I would only ask questions and discuss topics in class with the teacher since I don’t have friends I could talk to in class. They deadass never ever punished a single student from disrupting in class except me the girl who asked silly questions about what we were studying maybe they thought my questions were weird so I was asking them to disrupt they flow of the class rather than genuine curiosity who knows

13) I had very bad anger issues stemming from how the system as well as authority figures treated me ( I have since been to therapy and gotten help for it ) but a lot of time I verbally and physically attacked an authority figures usually when they punished me for something I didn’t do or when they tried to empty out their frustration on me or tried to bully me in anyway. I never took bullying face down from anybody be it younger or older than me my flight or fight response was always on fight

14) People did tried to bully me physically or verbally but I always returned it in kind with interest so it never really stuck like the isolation did. My most memorable experience with bullying was when I bitch slapped our school mean girl so hard the whole ground heard it , I don’t think I ever got any punishment for it and she later burned every friendship she had by throwing her whole group under the bus for some vandalism they did.

15) I unfortunately never had friends so when they school told me telling an authority figure I am being teased, harassed or even that someone is breaking the rules is what’s morally right I ran with the rules set for me rather than knowing the social norms that this would mark me as the school snitch without the teachers ever doing anything about the issues. Unfortunately I learned the hard way through trial and error that once you are labelled as a snitch their is nothing you can do to get that tag off and it comes with the added benefit of making people never talk to each other near me or even just leave the places I visit alone so yay more loneliness for me

16) I actively volunteered for every single activity and program my school office this sounds great but I picked and got selected for all 7 different fairs (English, Hindi, Maths, Science, Social science, Music, Art) but rather than pick out one or two I helped out with all 7 of them. They later added a 3 groups per person limit.

17) I am actually trained in both classical instrumental and singing but couldn’t complete my singing degree before the program closed down and it’s been 6 years since I played a Casio that I don’t think that even matters anymore. Anyway I added this because at first I did both of these at the same time along with volunteering for all the other activities before they added a 1 course per year limit which is a shame since it cost me my vocal degree.

18) I love reading that just the fact I found reading in my school library when I was 8 haven’t let it go since by my librarian’s estimate I read almost 3000 books (mostly children books) from my school library. I also have a mini collection of about 300 books that I have passed down to both of siblings. These days I read mostly on ao3 or the occasional paperback I bought at the airport but reading is still something I do almost daily.

19) See one thing about me is I was one of the first student at my school so much so my identification number was 35 so me being such an old student my school has actually legends about my quirky ( neurodivergent ) behaviour which has made me understand where most legends actually come from

I walked out of classes so many times teachers to this day still tell stories of the weird girl that likes to walk

My whole school knew who I was mostly because I would be the first and only person that likes to answer philosophical questions asked by our principal in the assembly, I was also great with improvising assembly conductions, thought of the days, assembly quizzes, full speeches on topics told to me 2 minutes ago, even improvised song recitations (can you guys pick up I have social anxiety now).

As I told you my lovelies I love reading so if I was immersed in a book and the class started I would just hide the book to read in class once I got caught so I got termed the girl who like to read books in class( is it stupid yes did it still happened certainly). I later learned to zone out to the stories in my mind during class which was very helpful.

As I told you guys I was actually on pretty friendly terms with my principal and teachers so guess who became the teachers pet for the next 8 years even though most teachers care jack shit about my interest and was further alienated because of this me ofcourse.

I actually once locked myself in the school bathroom for like 4 hours because I hadn’t completed the homework a teacher had given me and she was quite physically abusive towards me. I got suspended for a week because of this funnily enough nobody in my school actually remember this and most are really surprised to know I was suspended.

I am actually really famous or infamous by the way you look at it for physically assaulting a teacher funnily enough the name of the teacher, why I am attacked them and even how I hit them changes from person to person I have actually heard 10-15 different variations from different people( I am not even sure if I actually ever hit a teacher most I remember is I lunged at one teacher but she stepped back so I didn’t even touch her).

20) I was depressed from age 14 to 17 which caused me to chronic pain which later caused me to meet my current psychologist who helped me a lot but is vehemently against me getting any sort of neurodivergent diagnosis most she say is I have borderline adhd tendencies and that I think to much and should focus on calming down my mind which honestly is quite invalidating.

21) I can’t wear any sort of itchy or frilly materials when I was younger ( the texture was soo bad) but my sister could which made my mother think I was being a drama queen.

22) When I was younger I use toilet paper after using a bidet because the feeling of wet pants would over stem me so bad it’s not a problem for me anymore except from sometimes during winters.

23) I didn’t know Chewelry existed when I was younger so I chewed on my nails/skin,my lips, squishy parts of remotes, plastic toys, legos, scarfs, hoody strings, hot glue gun glue, chalk, cement, sand, mud etc. (Yes I know about the microplastics now no I don’t care).

24) I am highly sensitive to sounds so if my fan have a weird creak sound I won’t be able too sleep I also can’t sleep if I hear a clock ticking or any other repetitive sounds ( my mum still doesn’t understand why I can’t just force myself to sleep).

25) I also can’t sleep in continuous silence I need background noise to fall asleep.

26) It took me a whole year of forcing myself to wear bra and panties for my body to finally get used to me wearing them. It was a stimulation nightmare but I think it was worth it I enjoy wearing bras and panties now.

27) I can’t eat apples like I physically cringe even thinking of the sensation of biting into an apple. I have tried cutting an apple into every single why I could I still can’t swallow or even properly chew an apple the texture is such a sensory nightmare for me. Cabbage used to be the same for me but though constant reintroduction I can usually for myself to eat it with a glass of water

28) I have had many foods be absolutely sensory nightmare for me throughout my childhood. I was a very picky eater think bread, soup, lentils and noodles(packet noodles without vegetables). I couldn’t eat any kinds of fruits(except banana), vegetables, pizza , burgers (still don’t eat this), dumplings, wraps, pasta,etc. Heck I was a vegetarian for majority of my life before I learned chicken is actually a great textured food for me though I still don’t eat any form of red meat or sea foods and my food list is still very limited I have constantly reintroduced many foods for myself over the years which I can now usually bear to eat. I also learned that I can usually consume fruit and vegetables better if they are liquids so fruits juices, smoothies and soups were also great help.

29) I was and still am an absolutely clean freak and organiser. Like my bag use to have books organised in this specific order English, Hindi, Maths, Science and then Social studies and it needs to been in this order or I would get anxious. Fortunately no one else in my house ever wanted to organise anything so I would organise everything with way I would want it to be while also being neat.

30) One of my biggest sources of stress came from how dirty my siblings made our room. I would deep clean everything and then organise our books , toys and clothes and then clean and organise our bed they would just bulldozers through and ruin all my hard work in a day or two. Unfortunately I had this sense of cleanliness and order since I was a child and my siblings who were even younger then me weren’t slobs(ok maybe my brother was but anyway) they just weren’t wired to like cleanliness and order like I did and being children anything I told them about how we can keep our room clean went over their heads because I was always their to do it for them.

31) I actually had many special interests growing up though I didn’t have trains as an interest except for the cool toy train set I got as a gift or the maglev trains who are objectively very cool. My biggest special interest were rocks, space and animals especially all the books Nat geography and scholastic puts out on animals. I actually had a rock collection mostly made up of sedimentary rock and a piece of lime stone which my mother later kept in the shed where it got lost during home construction. I also have a modest collection of books and another collection of small childhood trinkets that I still have (I recently bought a clay bird that mimics actual bird call when filled with a little water to add to my collection).

32) I forget I need to eat and drink it’s always been like this I don’t have that internal clock that says you are thirsty go drink water or you are hungry go eat food . I need to remind myself it’s been 12 hrs I probably need water it’s been 32 hrs you should probably get some food or at least have a protein shake it’s like my body has no sense of hunger or thirst but I am getting better at eating and drinking at least the drinking water part anyway.

33) I am tired it’s not recent but in the last few years since I became an adult I feel so tired I use to be the topper of my class the gifted children that participated in everything now I am in college and just getting an 80% feels draining everyone has so much hope for me that I could and should do better but I am just tired. I walk and trekk sometimes but I don’t participate in any events and I see others I see my roommate who participates in like 5 different events and still gets a 95% if she can do it why can’t I. I use to be able to do so much and now I don’t have the drive to do much of anything anymore it’s so painful to realise that I should do better but what does better looks like for someone who is as tired as I am.

I did took some online test as well just to see if I even had a chance and the results were mostly the same I have many Adhd/Autistic tendencies and should probably get a professional diagnosis. I would be very thankful if my fellow autistic and adhd people would help me add more targeted experiences so I can finally get a diagnosis

@my-autism-adhd-blog you inspired me write all of this down and it would be very helpful if you could guide me to get a better diagnosis because of your experience. Also I greatly enjoy the contents of your blog so thank you for that

[surrah698]

[fossilfirecracker]

I notice that the neurotypical often envy accommodation for neurodivergents. They seem to think that neurodivergents are given more than they need, given more than these neurotypical ones. This shows how neurotypical people in most cases do not understand that accommodation is a vital thing, without which it is almost impossible to live. For them, it's like getting a chair to sit in, at a time when they could continue to stand. And for neurodivergents, it's like getting a chair, since it's impossible to stand anymore. Neurotypical people, people without disabilities need to understand that the accommodation does not make the life of neurodivergent people better than the life of neurotypical people, but only brings them closer to a normal standard of living.

[autismvampyre]

Genuine question for fellow neurodivergent people.

⚠️Neurodivergent means more than just autism and ADHD, this poll is for all ND's, even the ones whose diagnoses make you feel uncomfortable. ⚠️

Please reblog for larger sample size, also please feel free to elaborate in the replies. My perspective is under the cut.

I have adhd and autism(diagnosed at 11) and I genuinely did not understand what that meant until I was maybe 14 years old and discovered other autistics online. All that these professionals told me boiled down to "you get distracted super easy and you're bad with people" and that's it. They mentioned nothing about executive dysfunction, nothing about meltdowns and burnout and over/understimulation. No explanation outside of the typical understanding of these disorders.

I read books about my diagnoses(I was forced to by my stepmom) written by professionals and they didn't help shit. I feel as though I am chronically misunderstood and misrepresented. Everything I know about myself I learned from my fellow audhd people, and I feel like every doctor I speak to ignores me.

I feel crazy sometimes, cause who am I to say that all the doctors and specialists are wrong? But I know that so many of them are, and I feel like we need to talk about it more.

[hesitantvampirealien]

i just wanted to say that you're not alone in this miserable feeling you might be experiencing right now

if you're autistic and you really want to do good to people and be a good person, but you fucked up really badly because you genuinely just didn't know better and the response was physical, verbal or psychological aggression, if you have physical or mental scars because of others' response to your mistake and they took it extremely personally and just discounted their whole rage on you, if you often feel like you've become a toy meant to be broken, if you feel like you don't deserve to be called a good person or even to be considered a human being at all, i feel all of that as well. We're together in this hopeless pit

Of course i wanna get out of it, and i hope you do too, but let's be real... it's not that easy to just leave the pit and stop wanting to die, i know what that's like. I see a person here with me in the pit. You are a human, and you didn't deserve to be harmed so deeply, but i know it's tiring to try to lift yourself up, and i won't force you. But at least try, okay? Try to treat youself well. Try to forgive your honest mistakes, and by all means, give yourself permission to tell those people who hurt you to GO FUCK THEMSELVES. Fucking fight them all you need. Call them all the horrible things they are. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and don't let the ableism take over your head and convince yourself you're not a human, because you're a living, breathing, thinking and feeling humam being. A worthy human being.

i know sometimes the misery feels comfortable, i guess i myself am in that state right now. I'm not the best person to try to cheer you up, but i can tell you that you're not alone, you're definetely not alone

You're not a toy, you're not broken, you didn't deserve to be abused like that, you're a human being and you're a fucking fighter. We're fucking fighters.

[troythecatfish]

[doomedoomed]

People mistake my silence as being mean. People mistake my silence as anger. People mistake my silence as stupidity.

Why can’t silence just be silence? — from a journal entry

[ivys-thick-juicy-thighs]

Autism: while everyone else is debating whether their cups are half empty or half full, I’m just stuck here asking “WHY IS MINE STICKY?”

[rhiannons-bird]

currently reading The Stranger by Albert Camus and even though I know it‘s not the point of the book (I don‘t think lol, frankly I have no idea), I think I‘ve never read anything that captures the feeling of growing up neurodivergent in a neurotypical society as well. it’s not that I sympathise with the protagonist directly, but it’s what happens to them and the dichotomy of what goes on on the inside vs how the outside world perceives it and treats you as a person. like everything you are is constantly put on trial, things you thought of as normal are apparently a crime, the fact you’re not performing something everyone else seems to just do naturally is held against you, and everyone gets so fucking mad at you and yells at you and tells you that you did that or this because you are a horrible person- that the only explanation for your behaviour is intentional maliciousness. while you’re literally just trying to exist and not break down from sensory overload. and even when you explain to them what your actual thought process is they think you’re making it up because it‘s that ludicrous to them that anyone would think that way.

[gendervoidzz]

Sometimes I get SUPER excited (in the special interest sense) and I end up somewhere between crying, laughing, getting sick, and levitating on the spot.

[snakeautistic]

I never manage to feel more alone than when I’m in a group of people

[flyingraven]

I freeze.

We are at security in a strange airport. Our flight has just passed by our noses and I can feel how stressed you are.

I've already made one mistake.

And now there are more rules.

It's different from our first flight.

My hands shake as I'm tugging at my laptop. I try to hide my stuffed animal lower in my bag again. I'm slow.

My hands shake more as I'm fumbling to take off my belt.

Done.

I quickly pass though the scanner and go to grab the bin with my laptop, belt and jacket. I nearly drop it. One of you catches it. I can barely raise my voice loud enough to thank you.

I'm taking up space. Too much space. I'm shaking more. One of you is done already- both of you are done.

Where is my bag?

On the other line. Of bags needing to be checked.

Fuck.

Someone in front of me is arguing about her makeup. I'm losing control of my breathing a little as i can see both of you waiting on me.

I'm keeping you up. Fuck.

Why is she not done yet?

People keep bumping in to me but I don't know if I'm allowed to move.

I feel like you're getting mad at me for keeping you up. But I can't ask if you are. Fuck.

Finally. They get to my bag. Ask if I forgot a bottle or something. I'm fairly sure I didn't? I check anyway. Dig. Push my stuffed animal to the side and try to hide my embarrassment and my traitorous shaky hands. I can't make eye contact anymore.

The goddamn bottle of Fruitshoot.

I apologise furiously and hand her the bottle with shame. Did someone say something funny? Both of you are laughing. At least you're laughing.

She takes my bag back and says something unintelligible. Are they going to rescan my bag? She walks off.

People are still bumping in to me. No matter if I move over a little or not. Am I allowed to move? I can't move without permission anymore. What if I break the rules?

Where is my bag?! It's been gone for an eternity.

I turn to you. I don't know where they took my bag, I say with anxiety choking my throat. Your expression is unreadable as you say they're probably just scanning it again. See? There it is.

I grab it and wrestle my laptop and toiletries back into it. Quickly. Quickly. I've kept you up. Added more to the stress and fuck I've broken so many rules and taken up so much space. My whole body is shaking.

You ask if I'm a bit non verbal as we finally walk off.

I nod.

[mysticcrownwolf]

Either @snakeautistic and me lived the exact same life or they are my long lost autistic twin because how the fuck can we both have such similar experiences. Like I feel as if they are physically dissecting my brain and my life and then put it all out in easily readable words for everyone to read with every post they put out. Like I didn't know everything I experienced growing up was such a universal experience and I am actually really sad it is for so many people.

[fossilfirecracker]

I've never understood why my neurotypical friends need to be reminded of my same difficulties every time and be met over and over again with the same reaction of surprise and the question, is it really that bad? When people tell me about their problems with something, I try to remember it and take it for granted. I may forget by accident, but I don't ask again every time if the person is really still unwell from it. So why can't they do the same in my case?

[spinnysocks]

do any other neurodivergent people feel like you're in autopilot mode. especially if you have a daily schedule that's rarely broken, you're kinda going through the motions, such as working then trying to ignore all your distractions to relax? cause like. i just realised i haven't responded to 1 friend and 3 family members in weeks 😭