#Barty is not smart all the time

[dumbass-gryffindor1960]

Slytherin skittles incorrect quotes

Barty: bitch, why are you wearing sunglasses?

Regulus: I have my reason

Evan: Reg it’s literally 7 in the morning and it’s winter?? The sun will not rise before 8?

Regulus: oh trust me, the sun is already dazzling me.

Barty: what the hell is wrong with his eyes?

Dorcas: nothing’s wrong with his eyes, the gryffindor quidditch team is not training today

Barty: and?

Dorcas: they’re here for breakfast after 7 which is really unusual

Barty: uh?

Evan: I’ve told you Cas, he is so oblivious

[deathnguts]

Barty the type of guy to get clothes for regulus without minding the size because that’s not something he thinks about and when regulus tells them they’re too big he’s like, ‘my bad what size are you’ and regulus tells him he’s size zero Barty just becomes absolutely affronted and goes on for far too long about how ‘zero isn’t a size! Zero is nothing!’

[ellecdc]

ok so idea: parents poly!moonwaterkiller + fem!reader are called to hogwarts for a parent-teacher conference of sorts after their troublemaker kid was caught following in their parents (*ahem* remus and bartys *ahem*) footsteps by causing general mischief and being a pain in mcgonagalls behind

im imagining remus as the disappointed-but-secretly-proud/amused dad meanwhile barty just openly encourages the kid, leaving poor regulus and reader to try and discourage their kid from further “marauding” if you will

you're literally an angel for a) requesting this and b) waiting almost four months for it 🥹🫶

poly!moonwaterkiller x fem!reader who are called to a meeting at Hogwarts regarding their marauder of a child

CW: targeted prank against Slytherin, naughty child who is a product of naughty parents, Regulus tries really hard to be the bad guy [someone's gotta do it]

Did the Deputy Headmistress’s office used to be bigger? You swore it used to be bigger.

Certainly the chairs used to be bigger? You weren’t sure the last time you were in here that your feet could touch the floor.

You and Regulus sat somewhat rigidly in the chairs of your formidable former Professor’s office whilst Remus sat comfortably as if simply meeting with a colleague and Barty sat incredibly casually as if he was lounging by a pool. 

You expected some levity to dissipate when Professor McGonagall strode in with your child on her heels, but Barty simply smiled at the newcomers.

“There’s my girl!” Barty cheered as McGonagall moved behind her desk to expose your kid who at least had the grace to look somewhat chastised. “How are you, sweetness?”

“She’s in trouble, Barty.” Regulus hissed severely, causing you and Remus to grimace slightly as you waved apologetically at her. 

“Indeed, Mr. Crouch.” McGonagall agreed quickly as she considered the lot of you from the top of her glasses. 

“Uhm, actually, Professor,” Barty started, pasting on what the three of you often referred to as his ‘faux adult voice’, “it’s Mr. Lupin, now, and I expect to be referred to as such.” 

McGonagall seemed to be working overtime to stifle the half exasperated and half happy-for-him smile that was threatening to take over her face before looking down at a piece of parchment in front of her.

“Right, well, it appears that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Mr. Lupin’s.” 

Barty seemed nonplussed over the accusation whilst Remus seemed to straighten ever so slightly in his chair. 

“Eloise has been doing exceptionally well in her Care for Magical Creatures class; so well, in fact, that she was able to enlist the help of some nifflers that she released into the Slytherin dorms. Many students awoke very displeased that their family crests and various jewellery were missing.” 

“Objection.” Barty demanded as he sat up straight. “What evidence do you have that it was her?”

McGonagall pursed her lips as she looked at her former student. “She was caught trying to dispose of the jewellery, Mr. Lupin.”

“Awe, Eloise.” Barty bemoaned then, turning to look at his daughter. “You got caught?” 

“Barty…” You whined then, alerting him to the severe glare McGonagall was levelling him. 

“This is a very serious matter, Mr. Lupin; though all of the jewellery was returned with the exception of one Malfoy signet ring,” McGonagall paused as Remus’ chuckle-turned-cough and Regulus’ ill hidden smirk at the thought of his poncy cousin-in-law fussing over a child’s ring, “the Slytherin student’s families are not pleased.”

“Of course not, Professor. This is completely unacceptable and will not happen again, isn’t that right, Eloise?” You offered, giving your daughter an encouraging look to agree with you.

“Of course, absolutely, it won’t happen again.” She agreed readily - smart girl. 

“And please let the Malfoy’s know that we will compensate them for the missing ring.” You continued, earning you a disbelieving scoff from Barty, a ‘well…let’s not get carried away now’ from Regulus, and a snort of laughter from Remus. 

“Very well.” McGonagall offered. “Be that as it may, this act cannot be overlooked; there will be consequences.”

You, Regulus, and Remus quickly agreed verbally, barely masking the muttered “what a rip” from Barty. 

“Since Eloise has such a…penchant for creature care, she’s going to be tasked with assisting Hagrid in feeding, mucking, and grooming all of the beasts and their pens on school grounds.”

“All of them!?” Eloise and Barty chorused almost comically, had it not been for the steely glare the deputy headmistress shot them. 

“All of them.” She agreed resolutely. “For three weeks, you will be in charge of the hippogriffs, giant toads, thestrals, puffskiens, bowtruckles, and nifflers alike. As well as what other beasts Hagrid needs help caring for.”

Eloise sat back into her chair with a huff at that, looking comically similar to Barty who appeared to be moping in camaraderie. 

“That is all for me; I’ll leave you to it for a few moments to catch up and say goodbye, Miss. Lupin.” McGonagall offered her current student before nodding curtly at her former students and exiting her office. 

“My sweet, silver sickle; how have you been?” Barty asked then as he opened his arms wide to which Eloise quickly accepted. 

“Barty! Do not coddle her!” Regulus admonished then, though you couldn’t help but notice the way his hands seemed to itch to reach out to her.

“Oh, hug your daughter, Regulus.” Remus admonished before Eloise quickly left Barty’s grasp in order to crash into him.

“Sorry, papa.” She murmured into his neck, causing Regulus to heave a great sigh which was mostly just for show. 

“Tu me donnes du gris.” Regulus sighed then as he pulled Eloise in tighter to him. “You’re forgiven, but I mean it, amour; plus rien, d’accord?”

“Oui.” She mumbled miserably as she stood up straight.

“Okay, come on then, hug your mum before McGonagall comes back in and chases us all out with her walking stick.” You teased as you stood from your chair; Eloise wasting no time before slamming into your middle. “I miss you, sweet girl.”

“I miss you too, mum.” She admitted before moving, finally, to Remus. 

“Oh my gods.” Regulus murmured as he spotted something across the room. “Does McGonagall have the first edition of Nicholas Flammel’s book over there?”

And just like that, one of your fourths had wandered to the other side of the room to peruse his former Professor’s bookshelf.

Swat. 

“That was kind of a good one, El.” Remus whispered then, earning him an eye roll from you though you opted to stay silent. 

“Yeah! Enlisting the help of creatures that can’t be given detention was brilliant.” Barty agreed readily. “Less brilliant that you were caught, though.”

“I just didn’t want the nifflers to actually run off with all their things! I was going to give it all back.” She harrumphed.

“What about the Malfoy ring?” Remus asked as he held her by his side. 

A sinister smile took over Eloise’s face. “That’s at the bottom of the Black Lake.”

“I thought you said you were going to give it all back?” You asked in an accusatory manner. 

“To everyone who deserved it back.” She corrected haughtily. 

“Well, I’d wager that no Slytherin deserves it back.” Remus argued, earning him a glare from Barty.

“You and me, tonight. We duel at dusk, Lupin.” He spat.

“For Merlin’s sake.” You sighed as you bent down to Eloise’s level. “Sweetheart, I’m so happy that you’re so creative and having so much fun, but please for the love of all the gods, don’t get in trouble next time!?”

“Yeah, be more like your Da over there; he never got caught.” Barty added quickly. 

“The trick is having a fall guy; blame it on Haz next time, that’s what I always did to his father.”

“You better not be encouraging her over there!” Regulus called as he began to make his way back over.

“Love you, El!” Remus offered as he stamped a hasty kiss on the top of her head.

“Be good! Love you!” You hissed quickly and you pulled her in for one last quick hug.

“Don’t forget to write us!! Love you!” Barty added before the three of you hurried over to the floo, leaving Regulus shaking his head in exasperation and Eloise with a beaming smile as the three of you disappeared through the green flames.

[emswritings]

Pandora's friend

Synopsis: Barty and Evan are introduced to Pandora's new friend.

Tags: hufflepuff fem!reader, rosekiller x reader, fluff

Word count: 0.6k

Authors note: I might do more of this if y’all like it

—---------------------------------------------------------------------

“I promise, you’ll love them,” Pandora promises you for what feels like the hundredth time. You were on the way to the slytherin common room with her, because she left her homework with her brother, Evan, and decided that it would probably be easiest to study there, instead of going all the way back to the library. You plug your ears as she says the password, and walk into the common room. Looking around at the dark room, you spot two boys who look extremely cozy, to put it nicely. Pandora either doesn’t care, or doesn’t notice, because she walks straight up to one with blonde hair that looks remarkably  like her, and asks him for her homework back. 

You stand behind her, not so subtly admiring the couple. One has blonde hair and tan skin with green eyes and the other has dark hair and pale skin with brown eyes. You must’ve caught the dark haired boy's attention, because he perks up, and says to Pandora, “Now who’s this treasure? Have you been hiding her from us, dora?”

Pandora rolls her eyes at him, then looks back at you, "Y/N, this is Barty," she gestures to the dark haired boy, "and this is Evan, my twin," she points to the blonder one. You smile at them both, waving slightly. Following her over to some of the desks in the corner of the room, you get your books out of your bag to start studying. Not even five minutes later, you hear a thump, and someone, Evan, coming over to you and Pandora. 

“So, what brought someone like you down here?” Evan asks, taking a seat on the desk you're working at and looking at your hufflepuff robes. You flush slightly at the attention, but reply, “well, me and dora were going to study in the library, but she left her homework here and decided that it would be easiest to work down here.”

“Can we help? We’re super smart,” Barty says, skipping over to the group. He stands behind you and looks over your shoulder to see what you're working on, potions, and starts twirling your hair. You look to Pandora, trying to see if it’s a good idea, but her eyes stay focused on her paper. You turn to the two boys who are looking at you expectantly, and shrug, “sure.”

That leads to you spending the next two hours with them, and you only finish one of the assignments that you had planned to do. It’s no big deal though, since you still have a week to get them done, and you got to talk to two cute guys. You only realize how late it is when Pandora comes back into the common room -you didn’t even know she left- with a plate of food for the three of you.

After the three of you eat, you let out a yawn, and start to pack your things. “Where are you going, doll?” Evan drawls, watching you lazily. 

“I need to head back to my dorm,” you smile, “it’s almost curfew.” That causes a very dramatic eye roll from Barty, who waves his hand towards who you now know is his boyfriend, Evan, “No need to worry about that treasure. Blondie here is a prefect, he can walk you to your dorm.” You smile at him, but decline, saying, “I would hate for you to have to go through all that trouble, besides, I have a test tomorrow, might as well get some beauty sleep.” 

The boys watch as you leave, and then Evan turns to Pandora and says, “You should study here more often.”

[my-castles-crumbling]

smart - @rosekillermicrofic - word count: 189

Barty Crouch, Jr. was obnoxiously smart. He'd achieved 12 Outstanding OWLS, after all. He did well in every class he attended. He answered every question asked of him correctly, and scored perfectly on every homework assignment he actually took the time to turn in.

He was also ridiculously stupid.

"He..what?" he asked, eyes wide and mouth open.

"Evan. Loves you," Regulus repeated like it was common knowledge.

"No he doesn't," Barty scoffed, alarmed.

"Barty. He literally took you on a date. Yesterday," Regulus said slowly, like he was explaining to a three-year-old. "You two are dating."

"We- we just- it was just- we only-!" Barty tried to explain, his entire world collapsing as he looked back on yesterday, and his relationship with Evan in general. Because yeah, they cuddle a lot for bros. And that casual outing to Hogsmeade had been very cozy. And, to be fair, they did kiss that one time.....those four times.

He blinked.

"I have to go!" he yelped, getting up.

"Go where?" Regulus asked, looking confused and irritated.

"I have to kiss my fucking boyfriend," Barty yelled over his shoulder, grinning as he ran.

[aithusarosekiller]

The emeralds are definitely the group that everyone fearfully avoids as much as possible

And not because they're popular or violent, they're just weird to the point of it being unsettling to anyone who knows them. They're just sort of scary and it's not because they try to be, they just are. They're so used to each other that they don't even realise.

People won't think twice about them at first because they're just like any other random friend group but the second you've sat and actually paid attention to them you're avoiding them like the plague. They don't typically have many other close friends outside of their group because people are too wary of them so they've sort of become one group so close-knit that seem to be on the same brainlength permanently.

Like you've got-

Dorcas: who can modify almost any spell to be ten times as powerful as usual. She won't use them against people but she'll make her talent known by practicing and performing spells with her friends where others can see. To her she's just practicing her skill and to her friends it's just 'normal cassie' but it scares the shit out of most people who see it. Even teachers are startled at her skill and power levels. She is also fiercely protective of her group and her younger sister. Not that anyone would dare try anything after seeing his strong her channeling of magic is. She has all the potential to be a popular girl but everyone's fear of her power and her loyalty to her existing friends hold her back from that.

Barty: who is so much of a genius he could outsmart the minister if he wanted. He's clever and a little intimidating but also really good at hiding information about himself. Ask ten different people what he's like and you'll get ten different answers. Nobody ever knows what he's really thinking except apparently his own group. He has ways of having an hour long conversation and extracting your entire life story while sharing nothing in return. He'll sometimes get a small glint in his eye that only his friends seem to understand as a strange mix between inspiration and anger. To an outsider it just looks strange.

Evan: has on multiple occasions set people's essays on fire for talking shit about his friends and always gets away with it through the word of one of his groups. He managed to get an in with snape's gang, the popular Ravenclaws in the year below and the entire Hufflepuff quidditch team. Everyone knows he doesn't actually like any of them- he only truly likes his main group (the emeralds)- but nobody can figure out why he likes to float around and watch others. In reality he just likes knowing how people's minds and dynamics work. Getting people to defend him is he faces trouble is just a bonus

Regulus: he is the confusing one. He's quiet and isn't easily noticed if you aren't paying close attention. But he's smart. Not Barty's level of academic genius, he's a very logical person. He can be given one small piece of information and do almost anything with it, draw any conclusion. He can seemingly communicate a train of thought with his friends just by looking at them to the point where there are rumours of him being a legilimens. He gives the feeling of knowing more than he lets on. To his friends, despite his quietness he is warm and sensitive but where they get that impression from is anybody's guess.

Pandora: who's just on such another level of morbid that people will be scared to whisper about her behind her back incase she or one of the other's hear them. She carries small, probably haunted porcelain dolls with her at all times, which are apparently gifts to her from some of the forest-folk during one of her many visits to the forbidden forest. She is also known to dabble in necromancy, particularly regarding animals. She meddles a lot with whatever niche types of magic she can find with little guidance, which many find scary. She's very empathetic but her curiosity in the morbid only scares people off. She's usually kind to anybody she comes across but that won't stop them from being wary and staying away.

And in their heads they're just another normal group who hang out a lot, understand each other, are liked by the teachers, and help new first years when they get lost. But to the rest of the people in their year as well as the year above and below, they're insane.

[babybatss-blog]

CHAGRIN

Sirius black x reader, 850 words

Summary: After another fight, Sirius comes to you for support.

Cw: pre-developed relationship between Sirius and reader, Sirius is bleeding and has bruises. Kissing and alcohol consumption. Angst into comfort.

Some may call Sirius’ actions today a momentary lapse in judgement. Others may call it another predictable deed of his, just like many times before that couldn’t be contained and never will be. But you know better than that. You know that Sirius is truly a good person, someone who just doesn’t let others speak down on his loved ones with his unwavering loyalty. Are his clashes smart? No, of course not! But he does these things out of the goodness of his heart, not understanding the repercussions that they have and what other more successful methods there are to get out his anger.

It’s 10:18pm on a Friday when you are sitting in your dorm, alone. All of your friends went to a party out in the Ravenclaw common room, though after a long week you thought it would be better to stay in. Soft candlelight illuminates your room, the posters and rain flickering under it’s warm glow as you curl up on your bed, reading a captivating book. Even if your week hadn’t been rough you probably would’ve still found yourself alone tonight, as this book has been one of the best you’ve ever read. The plot twists, character development and world building truly transport you away, and you’ve been craving a good moment like this for a while.

Nonetheless, your euphoria is quickly ended by a knock at your door, which is strong and firm. If it was one of your friends it would’ve been softer, or they would’ve just called out as they unlocked the door themselves. So, who could it be? You get up out of bed and quickly walk over, opening the door to see… Sirius.

He seems awful. Theres blood on his lip and his eyebrow is puffy, a bruise clearly forming. “Sirius?!” You exclaim, confusion overriding your previously calm demeanour. Without hesitation you pull him inside by his hand, which he obediently follows until he collapses onto your bed. Usually in a situation like this he would be defending himself profusely, not letting you get a word of denotation in as he knows you hate when he gets in trouble like this. Sirius merely sits there as you quickly walk out of the room to the bathroom, grabbing a hand towel and running it under warm water.

Once you return he looks up at you, a sad look in his gorgeous eyes that makes your heart melt. “Sorry.” He mumbles. Well that’s unlike him. You sweetly smile at him and kneel in between his legs, his cold hands firmly holding your waist as a simple symbol of his affection. No matter what is going on Sirius cannot keep his hands off you, physical affection being his main form of love. “So, what happened?” You ask, not wasting a moment to clean the wounds on his beautiful face with the warm towel. He hisses at the sensation, yet responds anyways. “Lucius. He was making fun of Frank again, and I don’t know what came over me but it just… Enraged me. The poor guy was just minding his business, but that stupid Malfoy couldn’t help himself. Blabbering on about him being a loser or something.” As he says this, you can feel the anger building up in him already. His grip on you tightens and his brow furrows, quivering slightly under the sensation of the towel. In a disposition to him you merely smile, leaning in to kiss his nose. “Your so sweet. I’m sure Frank appreciated it, but you know that’s what you should do.”

“I know. Except I didn’t even throw the first punch! James Punched Barty first, and Lucius flung my wand out of my hand so I had no choice but to swing! Otherwise, he would’ve gone and-“ Your pointer finger presses against his mouth, stopping his divulgence before he goes on more. “Enough Siri. No excuses, we don’t need them here.” Although he doesn’t necessarily agree with you, Sirius keeps his mouth shut when you take your finger back.

“I’m sorry Darling.” He mumbles. If there’s anything you’ve taught him from the time you’ve spent together its that violence isn’t the best policy, and even if he doesn’t agree it pains him more than any bruise or cut to betray you. And when your hand with the towel drops and is replaced with one on his cheek he melts, understanding the words behind your silent gesture. You understand his actions, resolute in protecting what he finds important through a simple means that doesn’t take complicated words. You lean in for your soft lips to collide, tasting the alcohol on his breath and the blood on his lips. You’re a better medicine to him than any spell or liquid, invigorating him from the outside in.

As his hands explore your body once more the night dissolves away, safe in each other’s touch and far far way from any stupid bullying Slytherins, and issues of the real world.

[addsalwayssick]

@rosekillermicrofic || prompt: secret || word count: 778

Something was wrong with Barty Crouch Jr. He liked a boy. All his life he’s liked girls. Now, in 6th year, as a 15 year old boy, he likes a boy. Evan Rosier.

He and Evan were two peas in a pod, as many would say. They were two in a group of five. As Barty lay in his bed at night, crying about liking him, he had a realization. Through deep breaths and barely clarifying thoughts, he figured that maybe he liked Pandora.

Pandora Rosier. Evan’s twin sister. Gorgeous, smart, and fun. Why wouldn’t he like her? Better yet, she looks like Evan.

So Barty asked her out. “Hey Panda?” He asked, catching up with her in the hallway. “What class have you got?”

“Oh hello Barty,” Pandora smiled. “I have transfigurations next. Walk with me?”

“Yeah sure,” Barty said, walking by her. “I wanted to ask you something.” He started.

Pandora looked at him. “Yes?”

“Would you want to go out with me?” Barty asked, looking intensely into her blue eyes.

Pandora flung her long blonde hair out of her face as she thought. “Sure, why not?” She said.

And so they dated. But Barty couldn’t get past the aching feeling of emptiness in him. There was a pit in his stomach every time he looked at Evan, every time he thought of Evan, every time he breathed near Evan. It was miserable.

And if that wasn’t enough, Evan was growing distant with him. Anything Barty asked to hang out, Evan would blow him off, saying he’s got something to do.

Barty would sit in his dorm room at night, knees to his chest, tears in his eyes. What was wrong with him? Boys weren’t supposed to like boys. Something was wrong with him.

Pandora knocked on Barty’s door one evening as he was studying. The rest of his roommates gone at the Ravenclaw party he had blown off to study.

“Barty?” Pandora called through the door.

Barty didn’t look up. “Come in,” He yelled absentmindedly.

“Barty can I speak with you?” She said softly, sitting politely on his bed.

Barty turned and nodded. “Yeah, everything okay?”

Pandora sighed. “Barty you know I love you,” She started. Barty tried to speak, but Pandora cut him off. “But not like that. And you don’t love me like that either.”

“I don’t understand what you mean,” Barty grumbled.

Pandora smiled slightly. “You like Evan, don’t you?”

Barty’s face hardened. “Don’t say shit like that.”

Pandora cocked her head to the side. “Barty, you’re defensive because you know it’s true.”

“Men can’t date men, Pandora.” Barty hissed.

“Sure they can.”

“No the fuck they can’t. I’m not- i’m not like that,” Barty hastily spit out.

Pandora patted his knee. “Barty, you know what i’m saying is true. Please just think about it,” And she left.

Barty did think about it. He thought about it hard. He raced out of his dorm room, down to the dungeons, and into Evan’s dorms.

“Barty? What the fuck?” Evan sat up from where he was resting on his bed.

“Ev,” He huffed, out of breath.

“Mate, what are you doing here?” Evan sighed. “It’s late,”

Barty was shaking as he said, “Can we talk?”

Evan furrowed his eyebrows. “Yes?”

“I like you.”

“What the ever loving fuck are you talking about?” Evan scoffed. “Don’t fuck around like that Barty. My sister loves you. You love her.”

Barty shook his head, “Not like that. Not like I love you, Ev.”

Evan laughed without humor. “I’d hope not. Considering you’re dating her and not me.”

“Jesus fuck,” Barty hissed before storming over to Evan. Barty grabbed his face and smashed his lips onto Evans.

Evan pushed him off. “What the hell, Barty. You’re dating my sister,”

“No i’m not!” Barty exclaimed. “We broke it off because i’m in love with you! Please don’t make this harder for me,”

“Harder for you? How is this hard for you?” Evan hissed.

“God just- just fucking kiss me!” Barty huffed.

Evan hesitated before taking his shirt and bringing Barty closer. “If I found out you’re lying, I will fucking have your head on a platter,” Evan said through his teeth before kissing him.

Evan hadn’t believed this was happening. The man he has been in love with since second year is dating his twin sister. His life sucks, man.

He would watch their dates, and watch Barty grin at him, wanting to throw up.

He would watch Barty bring Pandora flowers, wishing it was him. It was no secret that he was in love with Barty.

And now Barty was in his arms, and he couldn’t be happier.

[klarolinexluv]

I think there is some misconception with the sorting hat. I don’t think you have to necessarily be brave or smart or loyal or ambitious to be sorted into those houses I think it’s more what your core values are.

Like. All of the Black for example were Slytherin (except for Sirius ofc). This wouldn’t be because they are all ambitious when they were 11 but because they value ambitious. They want to be ambitious. It’s been drilled into them since they were little. Thus being sorted into Slytherin.

The Potters for example. All of them were Gryffindor (expect Albus ofc). They aren’t all necessarily brave. They just value braveness. It’s what they were taught growing up. Like you can’t tell me Effie and Monty didn’t teach James that bravery isn’t the absence of fear. Like. You know?!

Do you get what I’m saying??

Peter and Neville weren’t particularly brave when they were 11 but they were still sorted into Gryffindor. Why? Because they value bravery. It’s a core value for them.

Barty Crouch Jr. All though we mostly headcanon him as a Slytherin, canonically, he was a Ravenclaw. He was obvious rather ambitious in his later life but as an 11 year old, he valued knowledge. He wanted to know things.

Im trying to give examples but the house sorting system is a bit constricting. Obviously you can value knowledge and ambition (or any combination) at the same time, and that can change as you grow up you know but from the perspective of an 11 year old, I do think it’s just what they value at the time not what they actually are.

[wisteria-cherry]

Hey sweetheart

I’m not sure if you take requests for barty crouch jr but if yes could i please, please request dating headcanons with him? He’s such a cute dork and so very underrated. Thanks

Luv your blog <3

i do now💪💪

one of the best things about barty is that he’s smart

you get philosophical conversations where you get to talk about your opinions on important matters in life; discussing the deeper aspects of your relationship. it really does make the two of you feel closer.

also free tutoring

the other side of that though is barty is smart with really no effort, so he has no problem getting off track on study dates because he doesn’t really need to study

he’ll info dump probably

you ask a simple question and if you let him he will go on a tangent

please let him play with your hair it’s his favorite

✨healthy manipulation✨

it sounds worse than it is but he’s all for positive reinforcement. you forgot to eat? no kisses until you eat something❌

he liked you for a long time before asking you out— although he makes himself out to be the time to sleep around, he’s really the type to be in it for the long run

definitely softer behind closed doors, particularly because he feels he has a reputation to maintain with his friends

this isn’t to say he neglects you when he’s with the because he’s all for the princess treatment

it’s ✨dignified✨ and ✨gentlemanly✨

will tie your shoes and adjust your uniform tie with a light scolding

treats you like a trophy partner, but doesn’t expect you to act like one

actually loves it when he sees you get along with his friends

and he loves showing you off

barty prefers casual pet names. he’ll be shuffling through some papers and be like “babe, have you seen—?” or making a potion that requires his full attention and go “love, grab me those herbs, would you— yes, those right there— thank you.”

loves touching you

he is the kind of guy that, when moving you to get through or get to something he needs, will press his hand on the small of your back and gently nudge you

[uhhlifeig]

Slasher - October 15 - word count: 659 - @wolfstarmicrofic

Remus wasn’t entirely sure how it had happened, but somehow, they’d all ended up sitting on the worn, sagging couch in Sirius’s flat, a questionable horror movie blaring from the TV. 

James was halfway through explaining his newest strategy for the next international Quidditch match to Lily (who, to her credit, looked like she was trying to care).

On the other end of the couch, Regulus was squished between Barty and Evan, who were bickering over whether or not cheap Slasher-esque movies were an acceptable form of cinema.

“They’re all just mindless gore,” Evan argued, leaning over Regulus, who looked like he regretted his life choices. “There’s no substance, no actual plot.”

“There’s a plot! You’re just not cultured enough to understand the subtle nuances,” Barty shot back.

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Subtle nuances? Of what? A masked guy running around with a chainsaw?”

“Exactly,” Barty said.

“Right. Because nothing screams ‘nuance’ like blood splatters and screaming teenagers.”

“You just don’t get it, Moony,” Sirius chimed in, smirking. “The horror genre is a refined art form, perfectly balancing suspense, tension, and, of course, a healthy dose of irrational decision-making.”

Remus gave him a deadpan look. “Right. Because when I think of the word ‘refined,’ I definitely think of chainsaws and hockey masks.”

Sirius grinned. “I knew you’d see it my way.”

“Really?” Regulus muttered a beat later, glaring at the screen. “Of all the directions she could’ve gone, she chooses to run toward the guy with a chainsaw?”

“Darwinism at its finest,” Remus said dryly.

“Just once,” James piped up, “I’d like to see someone in one of these movies actually do something smart. You know, like, not investigate the creepy noise in the basement?”

Lily nodded. “Or, you know, call the police? Why is that never an option?”

“Because,” the dog animagus said, “where’s the fun in that? It’s more entertaining to watch them make terrible decisions.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “You would think that.”

The movie continued to spiral into absurdity, with the remaining characters making one terrible decision after another. 

Evan, at some point, had fallen asleep on Regulus’s shoulder, and Barty looked about three seconds away from jumping into the screen to show the villain how to kill people properly.

And then the power went out.

The TV screen went dark, and the room was plunged into pitch blackness. Remus felt Sirius tense beside him.

“Oh, great,” James said. “I can’t wait for the part where we all die horribly in our own horror film. I’d, uh, get jumped and forget my wand somewhere- the couch, maybe- speaking of, where are our wands? And, um, Sirius would fall out of an open window because he ran into it and the curtains were down, and, er, Regulus, you’d drown, because you still can’t swim-”

“Potter, shut up,” Regulus grumbled. “No one’s dying.”

“Not yet,” Barty added helpfully.

“Can you not?”

Sirius shifted beside Remus, and even in the dark, Remus could practically hear the wheels turning in his head. 

“Y’know, Moons, this is exactly how those movies start.”

“You are not the final person, Sirius. Don’t even try.”

Sirius gasped dramatically. “How dare you!”

Lily snorted. “Sirius, no offense, but you’d be the first one dead.”

“Excuse me? I’d like to think I have at least enough survival skills to outlast James.”

“True, true. He’d be the first one dead.”

“Oi! I have excellent survival instincts, Lils!”

“Like the time you tried to sneak into Snape’s room and ended up falling into a pit of garbage?” Remus asked innocently.

“That was one time!”

“And the time you set the kitchen on fire while boiling water?”

James crossed his arms, pouting. “I’ve improved since then.”

Lily patted his shoulder. “Sure you have, dear.”

The lights flickered back on, revealing Peter holding a whole lot of wands. 

“Why’d you guys all leave your wands in the kitchen? Idiots. Oh, and Remus, how you you use the spinny-wavey thingy?”

[bri-cheeses]

Evan’s busy reaching across the bar for a couple of drinks, arm outstretched and easy smile on his face, when Regulus walks up next to him.

“Two butterbeers, please,” Regulus nods to the bartender.

Evan turns his head in surprise, clearly not expecting to have been followed. “I was getting you guys drinks, you know. You didn’t have to get up.”

“Yeah, I know. But I needed a bit of a break from all… that.” Regulus tilts his head towards a booth in the corner, indicating the chaos currently taking place there. He’s just escaped the aftermath of Barty attempting to flirt with Remus just to make Sirius mad, which has not ended well. Just like Barty intended. Honestly, Regulus doesn’t know why he puts up with him.

Regulus opens his mouth to continue, feeling somewhat hesitant. He’s not sure how Evan will react to what he’s about say, but he’s going to try anyways. “And also because I wanted to ask you something in private. Or at least, away from them.”

“Hold on,” Evan replies. The bartender’s just handed him his drinks, and he’s trying to find a way to carry them. “Okay, carry on.”

Regulus doesn’t waste any time. “You’re in love with Barty.”

Evan doesn’t look up from the drinks, not giving Regulus’s accusation even a slight reaction. “That wasn’t much of a question, Reg.”

If Regulus didn’t know better, he’d say Evan was completely unbothered by this whole situation. But he does know better, and Evan’s completely straight face as he fiddles with the glasses is a dead giveaway.

“You’re not going to deny it?” He’s genuinely curious. It’s unlike Evan to not, at the very least, try to avoid answering directly.

“Why would I? It’s the truth, and I know you’re not going to tell him.”

“But you’re not really the type of person to be okay with… sharing this sort of thing.”

Evan looks up now, small smile making its way to his face. “No, I’m usually not. But honestly it’s been going on so long that it’s more trouble than it’s worth to keep it hidden. From you, at least.”

“I—” he pauses, not entirely sure what to do with that. “How long has this been a thing?”

“Oh, about…” Evan squints, as if he can look back in time and pinpoint the exact moment it started. “Five years now?”

“Five years?”

“Don’t sound so surprised, Reg.”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because it’s really not that out of character for me.”

Evan flashes another smile and makes to leave, but Regulus blurts out, “Why haven’t you done anything about it? If it’s been so long?”

Evan glances over at their booth. Regulus follows his gaze, where Barty is now gesturing wildly with his hands in what is probably an attempt to avoid death at Sirius’s hands.

“Because,” Evan says, still looking at Barty, “it would ruin our relationship.”

He sounds so resigned to the fact that Regulus’s heart clenches. He feels like a bad friend. He had no idea, absolutely none, that Evan had been feeling this way for such a long time. “You can’t know that.”

Evan looks back at him, amused expression on his face as he asks, “Can’t I? It’s Barty; even if he did feel the same way—which he doesn’t—he would never be able to let himself commit to a relationship. The fear and discomfort would eat him alive. You know that.”

Regulus does, in fact, know that. But it doesn’t stop him from wanting to fix this, somehow. From wanting to try to get Evan to fight for a chance, at the very least. “But you’re Evan. There used to be be bets about when you guys would finally sort out your shit and start going out.”

Evan blinks, clearly not having known that.

“And it wasn’t because people knew you were in love with him—hell, I didn’t even know that—it was because of the way you both look at and act around each other. And I know that you’re too smart to have not noticed any of that, Evan.”

“Well. Maybe. But that’s also just who he is. He looks at practically everyone like that, acts like that with everyone. So you can stand there and tell me that I’m special, but I’m always going to see that for what it is. A lie, Regulus. And I don’t need you to lie to me. This whole thing is already bad enough already, I don’t need you adding to it, too.”

“But—”

“Don’t, Regulus. Just don’t.”

Regulus changes tactics. “How can you stand it?”

Evan gives a sad smile. “Like you said; I’m Evan. I’m always going to be in love with him, no matter what he does, really. And he’s Barty, so he’s going to do a lot of shit. But that’s just the way things are, I suppose.”

“So you’re just going to let him shatter your heart and stomp all over it?”

Evan smiles bitterly. “He’s been doing that for years, Reg. You’re a bit late to the game.”

Regulus hates this, hates Evan’s defeated tone and tired eyes. “How are you just so calm about this? Don’t you hate it?”

Evan considers that. “I did, for a while. I spent a long, long time hating it. But it only cost me energy I couldn’t afford to lose, and it didn’t change anything in the end.”

And there’s not a lot Regulus can say in response to that, so instead he eyes Evan: the regretful smile, the sad slump of his shoulders, and the way his body is subconsciously turned towards Barty, even now. “Are you… going to be okay?”

“Of course, Reg, why would you even ask?” He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “This is just the hand life has dealt me. I’m used to it by now. You might as well get used to it, too. Nothing’s going to change between Barty and me.”

And with that, he shoulders past Regulus, drinks in hand. And Regulus watches him go, unable to unsee how painfully in love Evan is. He watches the way Barty’s entire face lights up when he sees Evan, he watches the soft smile Evan gives Barty in return, and he prays to anyone who’s listening that Evan will turn out to be wrong.

[curiouslymyown]

Barty: I’m not in love with Evan

Regulus: okay?

Barty: I mean, just because I think about him all the time, and want him to kiss me, and have him do disgusting things to me-

Regulus: ew

Barty: -doesn’t mean I’m love with him!

Regulus: okay..

Barty: and just because he’s perfect and smart and funny and so fucking attractive doesn’t mean that I want to be his boyfriend

Regulus: okay??????

Barty: anyway this is ridiculous, why are we talking about this?

Regulus: I DONT KNOW BARTY YOU STARTED THE CONVERSATION

[ellecdc]

Barty Headcanon

okay I've just thought of a new headcanon for Barty (at least over here on ellecdc)

Barty is a polyglot (fluent in many languages), like this dude just knows a bunch of languages.

I don't think a lot of people realize this or know it about him - he doesn't brag/flaunt it but it comes out in the funniest moments.

Reg will be flirting with his partner in French in front of Barty and he'll dramatically gag and tell them to get a room (in perfect French) and everyone's just like????? pardon?

I think he'd know like, dead languages/source languages too

he'd know all the Latin languages (Latin, French, Italian, Spanish), German, Russian, Scandinavian languages (one of my favourite irl things is that someone from Sweden and someone from Denmark can speak to each other in their native languages and more or less completely understand each other lollll), Mandarin, Greek, casually reads Sanskrit texts in his free time

A guy who can casually get all 12 O.W.L's in third year (at thirteen!) would absolutely casually learn languages in his spare time - in fact, I think learning languages would come quite easily to someone like him (he's too smart and get's bored easily and acts out, but languages are difficult and he can fully commit himself to it)

anyways, there ya go lol

[my-castles-crumbling]

ball - @rosekillermicrofic - word count: 239

It had already been settled. It was a week away. Dates were set, dress robes bought, corsages ordered, nerves building.

And yet, Barty couldn't stop thinking about it. He couldn't stop picturing Evan going to the Ball with Jessica.

It wasn't even that he hated her. It was that Evan didn't belong to her. But he couldn't exactly say that, so he spent all his time making fun of him. Telling him he should dump her. That she was too pretty, anyways. Too proper. She was a stick in the mud. That they should forget about girls and go as friends.

But Evan refused. And it ate at him. Consumed his every waking thought. Every time he had a moment, he couldn't not think about it.

Until one day, he burst out.

"Don't do it, Rosie," he mumbled, exactly seven days before the night of the dance. "Don't go with her."

Evan looked up at him, eyes wide, shocked by his sudden statement. "Why?" he asked flatly, suspicious on his face. "She too pretty for me? Too smart? Too polite?"

Merlin, if only he knew.

"Too not me," Barty whispered, because he didn't have it in him to lie anymore. To make fun of the boy who he wanted more than anything.

But Evan's face lit up at the words, and he swallowed. "I thought so, too," he said, sitting up completely. "That's why I never actually asked her."

[atlasdoe]

every time i see someone say that something is cannon when it isn't a piece of my soul dies so here are some things that are constantly stated as being cannon but aren't

Barty Crouch Jr being a Ravenclaw

No where in cannon is this stated. He did get 12 owls and was very smart but his Hogwarts House is never said. People say this is cannon because if you google what house Barty was from a wikipedia page comes up stating that he was in Ravenclaw. Again, it is never said on any cannon piece of text

Evan Rosier has a younger brother called Felix

Felix Rosier is a cannon character and appears in the Hogwarts Mystery game, but nowhere in the game does it say what his relation to Evan is. He could've been a cousin or nephew

Barty Crouch Jr was abused by his father

All we know about Barty Jr relationship with his father is that Barty didn't like him and according to Sirius that Barty Sr should've spent more time with his son. This is like neglect at the very very worst but even that is stretching it a little. In reality it's much more likely that the reason why Barty Jr hates his father so much is because his father is part of the justice system and works at the ministry and Barty Jr is a war criminal

The Order of the Phoenix was manipulated by Dumbledore into joining and full of children

The only cannon ages we have from the Order members are The Marauders and they were at least 19 when they joined. Young? yes but not children and not too young to not understand what joining a war entails. Also Dumbledore did not manipulate anyone into joining. Every member joined because they wanted to

Remus Lupin was the smartest Marauders

Remus was the best behaved and possibly most mature Marauder. Not the smartest. There's a difference.

Regulus Black was born in June

He doesn't have a cannon birthday. The website that appears when you google when his birthday was is a fan made one that also says he married Hestia Jones

Regulus Black figured out the Horcruxes all on his own

He didn't. He had Kreacher, who told him about the cave and the locket and what Voldemort made Kreacher do to hide the locket. Kreacher was also the one who helped Regulus get to the cave and get as far as he did. Give Kreacher the credit he deserves. All Regulus did was figure out what the locket really was and swapped them.

Evan Rosier was the one who took Mad Eye Moodys eye

This one is depending on what you consider to be cannon. In the books Evan is said to had taken part of Mad Eyes nose. In the films it's his eye.

that's all i can think of for now. i'll probably have more in a day or two