#And I think I understand that the importance of it so far as the ritual goes

[clown-eating-pig]

one of the more random things that disturb me about tma is simply the existence of the gorilla skin. like..........why. what was up with that.

[togglesbloggle]

You Aren't Supposed to Win

There's a species of post on Tumblr that's not uncommon: explainers about neurotypical social interactions for the benefit of the neurodivergent. Others, in an adjacent genre, are vent-posts or bewildered people expressing exasperation and impatience with neurotypical social rituals. And these are usually fine as far as they go, but there's a sort of deficit or hole in them that I think tends to go un-addressed.

Basically, a lot of these explainers are very reasonably helping readers to navigate a system for some desired outcome (getting a job, finding a date, or other such things), but with the understanding that a failure to get the desired outcome is a failure of the system. And that's... only kind of true.

Neurotypical social interactions can be a very complex mix of collaborative and competitive enterprises. The ratio between those things can shift on a dime, it can be really hard to figure out where on the spectrum you are at any given moment, and this is the system working as intended. Or at least, as the players in the game intend, which isn't always quite the same thing.

I don't want to overstate this too much; standard social interactions aren't a fight to the death or anything. Typical examples are more like a preponderance of cooperation, but with some jockeying for a larger share of the rewards that follow from a shared project. Or, perhaps, attempts to spend the least effort in a group project, while receiving a full share of the reward.

The thing about this is, the presence of an antagonistic element within these interactions means that perfect legibility is opposed to most participants' goals for the interaction. There is a degree of confusion and uncertainty that is quite deliberate and instrumentally useful. If a particular partnership is going to pivot to 'pvp mode', it is absolutely in each participants' interest to be the first one to defect, and to mask that defection for as long as possible; perfect transparency prevents them from being able to do so, and they can and will interpret requests for perfect transparency as being hostile acts.

At the same time, admitting any of this is also a loss of strategic advantage during adversarial interactions, so it's one of the hardest things to get people to admit. It's even hard for people to notice that they're doing it, because evolution favors mentalities that keep as much of this as possible subconscious; it's easier to defect without warning if you never consciously think of yourself as defecting at all. So explicit discussions of this are quite rare. (There is, however, an entire genre of party games designed to bring them to the fore and let people show off their capacity for adversarial play among shifting alliances and uncertainty, so it's more 'open secret' than 'forbidden lore'.)

The upshot of all of this is, the desire for an explicit, legible system of social interactions that can be exploited for reliable outcomes- can often be a desire for power over others, in a way that I don't think the proponents fully realize. The fantasy of people just doing what you want is a powerful one for everybody, neurodivergent and neurotypical alike. And this isn't an unreasonable fantasy! it's really not fun to be surrounded by people pursuing their own interests at the expense of yours!

But it's important to realize that a lot of the hard work of aligning those values and making a system of interactions 'purely collaborative', such that everybody will be doing their best to help you succeed regardless of skill level or quirks of neurotype, is a really hard problem that nobody has yet been able to solve. And until we get there, a system in which you reliably get everything you want, and which you navigate with perfect confidence, is one that subordinates the people around you.

[marysfics]

In Your Corner

Your girlfriend has an important match tomorrow.

Fluff

The soft hum of the city at night drifted through the open window, mingling with the distant echoes of cars and the faint rustle of leaves in the cool breeze. The moonlight streamed in, painting the room in silvery hues, casting delicate shadows on the walls.

You sat on the edge of your shared bed, leaning against the headboard, your gaze fixed on her. Alexia stood by the window, the oversized shirt she always wore the night before an important match draped over her frame. It fell loosely over her shoulders, the familiar sight tugging at your heart. Her long hair cascaded down her back, catching the light, and her hands rested gently on the windowsill as she gazed out at the world, lost in thought.

You couldn't help but smile, watching her. There was something about this ritual, this quiet moment of reflection before the chaos of the next day. She had always been like this, calm before the storm, but tonight, something felt different. There was an energy in the air, a quiet intensity radiating from her, and you could feel it in your bones.

You knew how much tomorrow meant to her. It wasn’t just another game—it was the game. The culmination of weeks, months, years of hard work, sacrifice, and dedication. But right now, in this moment, she was just Alexia—your Alexia.

She sighed softly, and the sound pulled you from your thoughts. You watched as her shoulders rose and fell, her chest expanding with a deep breath. Her eyes were far away, somewhere beyond the city skyline, lost in the world of her own dreams, fears, and hopes.

"You're quiet tonight," you said softly, your voice barely above a whisper, not wanting to disturb the peace of the room.

Alexia turned her head slightly, just enough to glance at you over her shoulder. A small, soft smile tugged at the corner of her lips, and for a moment, you swore the room grew warmer.

"I’m just thinking," she replied, her voice low, tinged with a hint of nervousness. It was rare for her to be this vulnerable, to let her guard down, but you knew her too well. She was always strong, always poised, but right now, you could see the weight of tomorrow in her eyes.

You slid off the bed, your feet padding softly against the cool floor as you walked over to her. Gently, you wrapped your arms around her from behind, resting your chin on her shoulder. She leaned back into you, exhaling a shaky breath as your warmth enveloped her.

"It’s going to be perfect," you whispered against her skin, pressing a soft kiss to the side of her neck. "You’re going to be perfect."

She didn’t respond right away, but you felt the way her body relaxed into yours, the way the tension seemed to melt from her muscles. Her hand reached up to rest on your arm, her thumb brushing gently over your skin. The silence between you was comforting, filled with unspoken words, with love and understanding.

"I just—" she started, her voice catching in her throat. She paused, swallowing hard before continuing. "I don’t want to let anyone down. My team, my family, you…"

You tightened your hold on her, pressing your cheek against hers. "You could never let anyone down, Alexia. Least of all me. I believe in you, more than you’ll ever know."

She turned in your arms, facing you now, her eyes searching yours. There was a flicker of vulnerability there, a softness that was reserved only for you. The world saw the strong, fearless leader, but you saw the woman behind it all. The woman who gave everything she had, who loved fiercely, and who sometimes needed a reminder that she was enough.

You reached up, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear, your fingers lingering on her cheek. "You’ve worked so hard for this moment. Tomorrow, you’ll step onto that pitch and show the world who you are. But tonight… tonight, you’re here with me. And that’s all that matters."

Her eyes softened, filling with something deeper, something you couldn’t quite put into words but felt in every fiber of your being. She leaned in, her forehead resting against yours as she closed her eyes.

"How did I get so lucky?" she whispered, her breath ghosting over your lips.

You smiled, your heart swelling in your chest. "I think I’m the lucky one."

For a moment, the world outside ceased to exist. It was just the two of you, wrapped up in each other, the quiet hum of the night surrounding you like a blanket. You kissed her softly, slow and tender, a promise that no matter what tomorrow held, this—you—was forever.

When you pulled back, Alexia’s eyes were shining, filled with a renewed sense of calm. "Stay with me tonight?" she asked, her voice soft but filled with something raw and real.

"Always," you replied, taking her hand and leading her back to the bed.

As you settled in together, her head resting on your chest, your fingers absentmindedly playing with her hair, you felt her body relax completely, the last remnants of her tension fading away. She was ready for tomorrow, ready for whatever the world had to throw at her, because she wasn’t facing it alone.

And as you lay there, holding her close, you knew that no matter what happened, you’d always be by her side.

-

Note: found this in my drafts. Wanted to give you all a little something. My mental health has been low lately, which makes it hard to write. I can be so self critical. I can't promise if there comes another piece before November. I'll try my best.

[gynnnicsworld]

I was thinking.... Do you remember the scene from 3A where Stiles, Allison and Scott do the ritual of changing places with their parents?

I can't help but think, why was Stiles the recipient of the nogitsune?

I mean, why wasn't it Scott or Allison?

((Please correct me if I'm wrong, it's been a few months since I watched 3A/3B)) okay, I can't stop thinking about the nogitsune giving those riddles and messages to Stiles about;

"When a door is not a door? "When it's ajar".

I'm going to try to explain this, when Stiles/Allsn/scott did the ritual, they "opened doors" and made their hearts darken.... That's why throughout the beginning of 3B we see all those scenes of Allison, Scott and Stiles having nightmares, and strange visions. So far it's understandable, But if you notice, you will see that Stiles is the only one who establishes connections with the doors from the beginning.

But there are no such references with Scott or Allison. So, this is where my theory comes in and I'm going to start by saying that everything is related to the ritual they did.

Let's remember that the person who would bring back Stiles/Allison/Scott were people important to them and with whom they had a strong/solid connection.

Allison— Isaac

Scott—Deaton

Stiles—Lydia

(If you ask me they were basically trying to give a message about anchors there.)

We all know that Scott and Deaton are basically a father-son relationship, and it's very likely that the closeness Scott has with Deaton is more genuine and stronger than the one he has with Rafael. So that anchor is very good. Because the connection between them is *MUTUALLY* strong.

Allison and Isaac? I don't have to explain that the two of them like each other, like IN LOVE. The attraction between them is 100% genuine. And strong. There is no doubt about their connection.

But Stiles and Lydia? They're friends, and they're not even friends as in best friends yet. This is where I think something went wrong, because Lydia didn't even think about being Stiles' anchor, she was going straight to being Allison's anchor.

And we had the wonderful (sarcasm) intervention of Deaton, instructing Lydia to go help Stiles.

There was clearly no other option (I know) because it's not like Derek would have been there, which I have no doubt would have made a difference.

The issue here is that Lydia did indeed bring Stiles back, but I think of the three of them (stls/Allsn/sctt), the connection between them (Lydia & Stiles) was the weakest.Which caused the door that Stiles opened to not close properly. That left the door ajar.

You can take this however you want, but personally this shows me that the connection between Stiles and Lydia was simply never that strong whether one-sided or bilateral.

On the other hand, Stiles is LITERALLY Derek's anchor, and is 100% Derek's strongest connection. And whatever Stiles felt about Derek during 3A, I think it was something like friendship (And he has an obvious crush on Derek, he's a teenager, who wouldn't have a crush on Derek?) ( There is also that in fact Stiles does feel a connection with Derek, and the Hale pack for some strange reason knows it) and if Lydia could bring Stiles back, being that Stiles is NOT her anchor, I think Derek managed to get Stiles to come back without leaving the door ajar.

Whatever, I have no doubt that if Derek had been in that scene, the obvious choice to bring Stiles back would have been him.

[gingermintpepper]

As usual I read your tags always and so you said Apollo did not ask for resurrection of Asclepius and Hyacinthus so i just wanted to share this. About Asclepius death I read it on theoi.com, that earlier authors don't make him resurrect as a god but that's a later development mentioned only by Roman authors like Cicero, Hyginus and Ovid. But still Apollo has a role in Ovid's version

Ovid, Fasti 6. 735 ff (trans.Boyle) (Roman poetry C1st B.C. to C1st A.D.) : Clymenus [Haides] and Clotho resent the threads of life respun and death's royal rights diminished. Jove [Zeus] feared the precedent and aimed his thunderbolt at the man who employed excessive art. Phoebus [Apollon], you whined. He is a god; smile at your father, who, for your sake, undoes his prohibitions [i.e. when he obtains immortality for Asklepios].

So here it is actually because of Apollo the decision was taken to resurrect him as god. And with Hyacinthus, I don't think I've read about Artemis playing the primary role. I know in Sparta there was a picture of Artemis, Athena and Aphrodite carrying Hyacinthus and his sister to heaven.

This is not on theoi.com but I saw on Tumblr it's from Dionysiaca by Nonnus

Second, my lord Oiagros wove a winding lay, as the father of Orpheus who has the Muse his boon companion. Only a couple of verses he sang, a ditty of Phoibos, clearspoken in few words after some Amyclaian style: Apollo brought to life again his longhaired Hyacinthos: Staphylos will be made to live for aye by Dionysos.

So since he is singing inspired by amyclean stories it probably means in that place it was believed Apollo was the one to bring back his lover to life.

Apollo as god of order was very important so i think it shows how special these people (and admetus too) were to him that he decided to go against the order for them 🥺

ANON!! Shakes you like a bottle of ramune!! BELOVED ANON!!!!! I'm littering your face with kisses, I'm anointing you with olive oil and honey - you absolutely made my night with this because, not only did I get the pure serotonin shot of having someone interact with my tags (yippee, wahoo!!) I also got to have that wonderful feeling of "oh wow, have I misunderstood something that was integral to my understanding of this myth/figure this whole time or is this a case of interpretational differences?" which is imo vital for my aims and interests as someone who enjoys mythological content and literature.

I'll preface my response with this: Hyacinthus is by far the hardest of these to get accounts for because his revival itself, as you very astutely point out, is generally accounted for in painting/ritual format which muddies the waters on who interceded for what. I wasn't actually familiar with that passage from the Argonautica - and certainly didn't remember it so thank you very much for bringing it to my attention!

That said, what I've come to understand, both about Hyacinthus and about Asclepius is that in the accounts of their deaths, Apollo's position is startlingly clear.

For Hyacinthus, it is established time and again that Apollo would have sacrificed everything for him - his status, his power, his very own immortality and divinity. Ovid writes that Apollo would have installed him as a god if only he had the time:

(Ovid. Metamorphoses. Book X. trans. Johnston)

Many other writers too speak of how Apollo abandoned his lyre and his seat at Delphi to spend his days with Hyacinthus, but they also all agree that when it came to his death - he was powerless. Ovid gives that graphic account of Apollo's desperation as he tries all his healing arts to save him to no avail:

(Ovid, Metamorphoses Book X. Apollo me boy, methinks him dead. trans Johnston)

Bion, in one of his fragments, writes that Apollo was "dumb" upon seeing Hyacinthus' agony:

(Bion, The Bucolic Poets. Fragment XI. trans Edmonds)

Even Nonnus in the Dionysiaca speaks constantly of Apollo's helplessness in the face of Hyacinthus' fate where he writes that the god still shivers if a westward wind blows upon an iris:

and when Zephyros breathed through the flowery garden, Apollo turned a quick eye upon his young darling, his yearning never satisfied; if he saw the plant beaten by the breezes, he remembered the quoit, and trembled for fear the wind, so jealous once about the boy, might hate him even in a leaf...

(Nonnus, Dionysiaca, Book 3. trans Rouse)

And the point here is just that - Apollo, at least as far as I've read, cannot avert someone's death. He simply can't. Once they're already dead - once Fate has cut their string - all Apollo's power is gone and he can do nothing no matter how much he wants to. And this is, as far as I know, supported with the accounts of Asclepius as well!

Since you specifically brought up Ovid's account, I'll also stick only to Ovid's account but in Metamorphoses when we get Ovid's version of Coronis' demise, he writes that Apollo intensely and immediately regrets slaughtering Coronis. He regrets it so intensely that he, like he does with Hyacinthus, does his best to resuscitate her:

(Ovid, Metamorphoses Book Two. Apollo's regret)

And like Hyacinthus, when it becomes clear that what has happened cannot be undone, Apollo wails:

(Ovid, Metamorphoses Book Two. Apollo wept.)

Unlike his mother, Asclepius in her womb had not yet died and so, with the last of Apollo's strength, he does manage, at least, to save him.

(Ovid, Metamorphoses Book Two. Apollo puts the 'tearing out' in Asclepius.)

But it goes further than even that because Ocyrhoe, Chiron's daughter, a prophetess who unduly gained the ability to directly proclaim the secrets of the Fates, upon seeing the baby Asclepius, immediately prophesies his glory, his inevitable death and then his fated ascension:

(Ovid. Metamorphoses, Book Two. Ocyrhoe's prophecy. trans Johnston)

Before she too succumbs to her hubris and is transformed by the Fates into a horse so she can no longer speak secrets that aren't hers to share.

These things ultimately are important because it establishes two very important things: 1) Apollo can't do anything in the face of the ultimate Fate of mortals, which is, of course, death and 2) even when Apollo is Actively Devastated, regretful, yearning, mournful, guilty or some unholy combination of all of the above, when someone is dead, he accepts that they are gone. Even if he is devastated by it, even if he'll cry all the rest of his days about it - if they're dead? Apollo lets them go. In Fasti, when Zeus brings Asclepius back, he does not say Apollo asked him to - Zeus, or well, in this case Jove, brings Asclepius back because he wants Apollo to stop being mad at him.

(Ovid, Fasti VI. Apollo please come home your father misses you. trans. A.S Kline)

Even Boyle's translation which you used above in your findings hints that Zeus made Asclepius a god because he wanted Apollo to stop grieving. (i.e 'smile at your father', 'for your sake [he] undoes his prohibitions')

And like, Apollo was deeply upset by Asclepius' death - apart from killing the Cyclops in anger, in book 4 of the Argonautica, Apollonius writes that the Celts believe the stream of Eridanus to be the tears Apollo shed over the death of Asclepius when he left for Hyperborea after being chastised by Zeus for killing his Cyclops:

But the Celts have attached this story to them, that these are the tears of Leto's son, Apollo, that are borne along by the eddies, the countless tears that he shed aforetime when he came to the sacred race of the Hyperboreans and left shining heaven at the chiding of his father, being in wrath concerning his son whom divine Coronis bare in bright Lacereia at the mouth of Amyrus.

It all paints a very clear picture to me. Apollo did not ask for either of them to be brought back. Though bringing them back certainly pleased and delighted him, they are actions of other gods who are moved by Apollo's grief and mourning and seek to mollify him. Him not asking doesn't mean he didn't want them back which I think is a very important distinction by the by, but it simply means that Apollo knows the natural order of things and, even if it hurts, he isn't going to press his luck about it.

Which, of course, brings us to Admetus. And I'm really not going to overcomplicate this, Admetus is different because, very vitally, Admetus is not dead. Apollo can't do a thing once Fate has been carried out and Death has claimed a mortal but you know what he absolutely can do? Bargain like hell with the Fates before that point of inevitability. And that's what he does, ultimately for Admetus and Alcestis. He sought to prolong Admetus' life, not revive him from death or absolve him from death altogether and even after getting the Fates drunk, he's still only able to organise a sacrifice - a life for a life - something completely contingent on whether some other mortal would be willing to die in Admetus' place and not at all controllable by Apollo's own power.

All of these things, I think come back to that point you made - that Apollo's place as a god of order is very important and therefore these people are very special to him if it means he's willing to go against that order but, I also wish to challenge that opinion if you'd let me. Apollo's place as a god of order is very important and therefore, I would argue, that it is even more important that it is shown that he does not break the divine order, especially for the people that mean the most to him. The original context of my comments which started this conversation were on this lovely, lovely post by @hyacinthusmemorial which contemplated upon Asclepius from the perspective of an Emergency Medical personnel and included, in their tags, the very poignant lines "there's something about Apollo letting go when Asclepius couldn't that eats my heart away" and "you do what you can, you do your best, but you don't ever reach too far" and I think that's perfectly embodied with the Apollo-Asclepius dichotomy. Apollo grieves. He wails, he cries, he does his best each and every time to save that which is precious to him but he does not curse their nature, he does not resent that they are human and ultimately, he accepts that that which is mortal must inevitably die. There is nothing that so saliently proves that those who uphold rules are also their most staunch followers - if Apollo wants to delight in his place as Fate's mouthpiece, he cannot undo Fate. And, if even the god of healing and order himself cannot undo death, what right does Asclepius, mortal as he is, talented as he is, have to disrespect it?

The beauty of these stories isn't that Apollo loved them enough to bring them back. The beauty is that Apollo loved them enough to let them go.

[spockandstars]

I was thinking about how Spock is intentionally paralleled with Sydney Carton from A Tale of Two Cities in The Wrath of Khan, and now I am unwell!

At the beginning of the movie, Spock famously gives Kirk A Tale of Two Cities as a birthday present. This book was specifically included for its themes of sacrifice and resurrection, which obviously mirror Spock’s decision to give up his life to save the crew. Notably, Kirk’s final lines reference the famous closing of the novel.

Kirk: It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before... a far better resting in place I go to than I have ever known...

Carol: is that a poem?

Kirk: Something Spock was trying to tell me. On my birthday.

So what’s the importance of this line? The famous “far better thing” quote is from the book’s ending when Carton has just sacrificed himself for his beloved Lucie, giving himself up to be executed in place of her husband so that she may find happiness. (Live long and prosper, anyone?)

Interestingly, both Spock and Carton are emotionally repressed characters, and anguish over the depth of their love for the people who uniquely see them for who they are — in this case, Jim and Lucie. While I’d argue that Spock is more at peace with himself and his feelings for Jim after the events of the first movie, the point still stands that Jim is the one to truly understand him in a world that labels him as a cold and calculating being.

I believe that this is what Kirk’s line calling Spock’s soul ��the most human I have ever encountered,” is supposed to represent. (Even though I agree with the criticism that it could have been worded better!) Similarly, Lucie is the one to recognize Carton’s inner nature in spite of his aloof facade, begging “I would ask you to believe that [Carton] has a heart he very, very seldom reveals, and that there are deep wounds in it.” (Book 2, Chapter 20.)

When Carton finally admits his love to Lucie, it’s hard not to see the resemblance to Spock’s dilemma in the first movie. You know, that time when Spock, in his heartbreak over something related to Jim (that were not given an explanation for), cries out “Jim! Good-bye my . . . my t’hy’la. This is the last time I will permit myself to think of you or even your name again!” before attempting to purge himself of all feelings in an ancient ritual, and failing because the Vulcan priestess can totally sense that he’s still thinking about Kirk. (Yup, that totally straight time!)

Well, Carton is in a similarly agonizing predicament, because he can’t get his feelings for Lucie to go away. He tells her, “I break down before the knowledge of what I want to say to you” and “I have had the weakness, and have still the weakness, to wish you to know with what a sudden mastery you kindled me, heap of ashes that I am, into fire—a fire, however, inseparable in its nature from myself, quickening nothing, lighting nothing, doing no service, idly burning away.” (Book 2, Chapter 13)

He also expresses that he could never separate his love for her from himself, saying that “Within myself, I shall always be, towards you, what I am now.” (Book 2, Chapter 13) Yeah, I know the fact this mirrors Spock’s famous “I have been and always shall be yours” is probably a coincidence, but I’ll be damned if I don’t mention it.

Finally, Carton expresses his love for her in his willingness to sacrifice himself for her sake: “For you, and for any dear to you, I would do anything. If my career were of that better kind that there was any opportunity or capacity of sacrifice in it, I would embrace any sacrifice for you and for those dear to you… there is a man who would give his life, to keep a life you love beside you!” (Book 2, Chapter 13.) Of course, Carton’s story ends when he sacrifices himself for her, fulfilling this promise. Hmm, now who else does that sound like?

This is definitely not a perfect parallel: Spock doesn’t start out as a lazy alcoholic, although there is an argument to be made that Carton’s low self-worth reflects Spock’s before he went on his conversion therapy fueled journey of self discovery. Additionally, I wouldn’t say that Spock’s love for Kirk is unrequited like Carton’s for Lucie, (as evidenced by many things, but I’ll primarily point to the events of The Motion Picture and The Search for Spock), but you could potentially cast Carol in the role of Darnay, Lucie’s husband.

The most important thing to glean from this is that Spock was very deliberately set up to be the Carton figure, which is interesting given that Carton’s actions are driven by his willingness to do anything to see his beloved be happy and prosper.

[punksalmon]

Tell us more about this Escape ending AU that you are completely normal about.

WELL, if you're asking

(i first received this ask in 28th of JUNE, but waited for my uni break so i could be as self-indulgent as possible)

the Escape AU is first and foremost my obsession with (1) epilogue-type stories as a way to deal with the conseguences of a plot (which is especially promising with funger's trauma bonanza) and (2) domestic gay people (which is ALSO especially promising with funger's trauma bonanza). i also like when the domestic couple are kind of freaks.

the background for the AU is mostly based with my number of playthroughs with the game, in particular that as soon as i had the girl and knew what exactly her ending was, i would go after literally any other ending just so she could live.

to say the summary of the dungeon-canon, ragnvaldr goes in the dungeon after le'garde to kill him and enki goes into the dungeon after the ritual of ascension, and they just join forces for survival; the girl only comes after, and because ragnvalr is partly in this whole quest because his child was murdered, he becomes somewhat protective of the girl, and then of enki, to the point of doubt about when does this affection and desire to protect is for them on their own, and when it's just comes as a second hand for the family ragnvaldr's lost. enki isn't arsed with any of it at first, but as a feral cat gaining the literal first modicum of care in its life, he starts to become less sure of how far he'd gone to obtain success when it puts this other people at risk, even without understanding (or accepting) any of it. and the girl is, verbatim, "unused to kindness of any kind" - she literally deserves the world.

the ending E, as exactly "underwhelming" as it is, is a reflection of this sense of care the characters develop: it doesn't matter what the dungeon does offer (and what really the characters do achieve in it; i personally like the idea of them facing Le'garde as the Yellow King in the dungeon, for the pathos of it all). the most important thing after the conga line of misery that funger is, is that for people that at that point had no reason to live, they suddenly get one. for it, they leave behind the dungeon and the promises within.

i still like to think that this sort of decision is not without unrest - i don't think enki would do well as a house wife, and this tension of "did i make a good choice? is this really what i want?" is interesting. i also thing ragvaldr has a little parasocial thing going because of his previous family, and i also think that idea is interesting.

as always, i like to see characters go through the ringer and then try to build a happy ending (or as happy as it can be) out of it. i feel that's a sort o theme anyone can find comfort in. and yes, i do like thinking of the funniest possible nuclear family unity Oldegård would ever see (pair of parents + one kid + a dog). (and i do like thinking about rag and enki doing it nasty. who said that.)

thank you for the ask and literally anyone who has the minimum interest about my brainworms… i loved thinking about them to write this. it also made me draw again (miraculous), so here's a little something.

first leaving the dungeons.

[yandereunsolved]

Imagine reader being a guide in Linked Maze. They are sort of the protector of people who end up in the maze. They're pretty shy and end up not showing themselves to most, who end up with such a terrible fate. They leave the Links little things to help along their journey, such as food, weapons, and medicine.

Only one of the Links has seen you before—Wind. It was only a brief interaction as well. You guided Wolfie to him using your abilities. Wind only saw you for a moment. You were gone in less than a blink of an eye. He still thinks he imagined it until he actually meets you for the first time. He was overwhelmed with so many emotions. He saw you as what you were for those stuck in the maze—a protector. 

He wanted to throw himself at you and cry on your shoulder. He wanted to demand answers. The first time he met the guide of this place, you didn't even exchange words. You disappeared after a few minutes. He was devastated after that. It was your first official meeting, and he didn't even get to say 'thank you' or ask any questions like, 'why did you help me?' That's when his obsession with you started. It was just an inkling of a need for safety that evolved into a desperate devotion to you.

Wolfie is your familiar at this point. He helps guide the Links through the maze and makes sure they don't end up gravely injured. He hasn't actually ever seen you. He just hears you and follows the scents that you waft into his nose. He's not suspicious of you. Your life force is positive. It reminds him of what he feels in the Triforce.

You guide the Links together and keep those awful monsters at bay. You wish you could warn them about what's to come, but you are unable to. You can only leave clues. You are the guide of the maze—the protector. Someone who was tricked into leaving the heavens by a deity who fell from them. You would tell them everything if you could, but if you did, then you'd reveal your location to the corrupted God. 

One word and it's all over. One word and the Links will fail their mission.

You wish you could tell them that something worse than Demise was plotting to take over the heavens and destroy the goddesses. Alas, you cannot. The evil deity injured you gravely. If you seek refuge in the heavens, then you leave a possible opening for the evil being to sneak in. You have learned from watching Time on his adventures.

So you watch from the shadows and guide them when you can. You don't realize how dependent they are becoming to your presence. You understand how far their yearning goes.

Four gently probes Wind for more information about your meeting with him. Wind shys away from telling him because he wants to keep you for himself. Warriors is a little jealous but keeps the two calm. 

Time knows more about you than the others. He met you once on his journey. So technically, he has met you before, but since you have been forced to take a mortal form. He hasn't seen you since you were injured and forced to look over them in the maze. Somehow, he knows you're out there. He still has that ritual for summoning you. You should've never given it to him. You don't understand how many times he has wanted to use it but ultimately decided against it. He's the Hero of Time! He's the Hero of Time... He's the Hero of Time? 

Why would someone so important, a god(dess), want him bothering them?

The rest of the Links are a bit confused about you. Your presence is enigmatic, to say the least. You are like an unspoken rule among them. All of them need to know more about you, but they refuse to cooperate with each other when they learn something new about your existence. 

The only question that really remains is: will they ever escape the maze? Or will you fail in your mission of protecting them?

Ignore the fact I went so off canon for this. comic & characters — @linked-maze

[scrubbinn]

Mimic HRT: month 23 “Alone with myself”

“This is a dumb idea. The day after Erian gives up with his mimic research, you decide to resort to the worst possible option. There's so many other options we could try.”

“Oh, so now you show up in my head. Of course you're only here to attack me. Why should I expect anything different? It's just magic. We're inexperienced but the book can guide us. If you want to help then you can stay, otherwise I don't want to hear a single thing out of you.”

“You can't call this magic. This is so much worse. Look, I'm here to make sure you're going to be ok, I'm here to talk when you need it.”

“Well I don't need to talk to anyone right now. So go away. I need to concentrate.”

“And what would she think?”

“Leave!”

“Ms.Mulberry, You’ve been in your office for a while now. Is everything alright? You seem to have locked the door, and barred it considering the master key is doing nothing. I understand if you’re having trouble with your panic attacks. It’s the only reason I gave you this place. I just need the recording on Mimic behavior. The full recording, not the edited draft this time.”

“Sorry Theo, I, uh, yeah I’m kind of busy at the moment. I left the recorder in your desk drawer, the one with all the candy. By the way, you know you’re not at that age where you can be so casual with your teeth, right? Maybe get that sweet tooth pulled instead? Anyway, I’ll be busy for a while so I could use some space.”

“Right… Well your unneeded chastising aside and your odd hiding of your recorders around my office, I’ll take a look. Please don’t take more than 15 minutes. We have several important clients coming in soon and I need you at the front desk on your best behavior.”

“What happened to Jacob?”

“He was fired after he screamed at a dragon walking into the clinic on three separate occasions. Look I would appreciate not having a conversation with a door, will you open up or not?”

“Busy right now, like I said. Just. Go away for now. Like an hour?”

“You have 10 minutes. Harumph. I will be in my own office with the door not barred and I will be listening to your findings, they better be worthwhile.”

* * *

“Mayday! Mayday!? You open this door this instant!!” Listen to me right now! I know you have that book from Thayer library in there! Do not use it! Mayday, you will not use that book or you’ll wish all that happened today is me breaking down this door!”

“Leave Theo, I’m not stopping now. There were no concrete answers anywhere until this book found its way to me. If science won’t show me my origins, then the only answer I have left is magic. Now be quiet. I need to make sure the ritual circle is perfect. I can’t afford to mess up a single line. You said you had some clients, right? Go tend to them, I’ll be fine.”

“You most certainly won’t be! This isn’t magic, Mayday! This is something far more dangerous! Not to mention it could cause the ethics board to take away my license if they found out something like this happened here! I'm calling the fire department, I'll be taking the damages out of your paycheck!”

“Of course that’s what you’re worried about. Now hush already… The protection circle goes here, I think there’s just enough salt to finish the rest of these sigils…”

“Why are you even doing this here of all places!? Do you seriously just want to get me in trouble when this childish impatience blows up in your face? 

Wait. Why are you doing this here? This is the only place where I could interfere with you… You’re worried what she’d say if she knew what you were doing. It’s easier for me to hate you, isn’t it.”

“...Don’t bring up Abigail. She wouldn't get it. Neither of you would. It's so clear you've hit a dead end. You just found some random substances in your office and decided that, in your oh so infinite wisdom, this, this right here. This is what should go in a person's medicine. I'd ask what you'd have done if it didn't kill me, but I've actually seen how many people have nearly choked on your experiments. It's your fault I'm a mimic, I never asked for this. I wanted to be a slime! I still do. Now I'm this thing that can only fake it. I was so close, I was so, so close. And now it's gone forever. I am the only mimic in existence. I am alone, and I can't convey to anyone how scared that makes me.”

“You're worried Ms.Abigail could talk you out of this, aren't you.”

“The ritual is nearly complete. Please leave the building, Theo. I can't call you a friend, but you're like the definition of Stockholm syndrome. I don't want to see you hurt.”

“You open this door this instant you little ungrateful stain of a-

“Theo?... He's… gone? Oh the summoning circle! Ok everything looks fine. Protection ring, spell ring, candles.. have blown out. It's pitch black outside. I think I should close the blinds. Though I doubt it'll stop whatever's out there from getting in. Ok, focus, you're in this deep, what's a few more miles. All you need to do is read the next part. Heh, hehehahaha! I… why can’t I read these words? It's my nerves, I’ll bet. I don’t want to think if it could be something else. Let’s just get this over with, read the passage, figure out the rest later. Iɟ I ʍɐᴉʇ ʇoo louƃ I pou,ʇ ʞuoʍ ʍɥɐʇ ʍᴉll ɥɐddǝu…

I think my reality is starting to break. Oʞ lǝʇ,s qǝƃᴉu.”

“HⱯⱯⱯꓵ ҼODOʁHꓕ IⱯ,Է BEҼ,Γ-EE,H HꓕOHꓕOƧ-ҼO⅄ 'HⱯҼИ,ҼИ,IⱯ,⅄!”

“Are you there?”

…

“Oh, oh stars it worked. Hello… I am Mayday Mulberry. I've summoned you to-

…

“Of course, how rude of me. Then does that mean you know? You know what I am, and where mimics come from?” I beg of you to impart this knowledge onto me. I must know my kind and their history. Are there others out there like me?”

…

“I… I'm sorry for summoning you, but I had no other choice. I- what do you mean I'm stagnant? No, I'm still changing, I’m a mimic! We’re the definition of changing.”

…

“I. I don't believe you! You're wrong! Just shut up! Just tell me what I want to know! I summoned you! I'm the one in control here!”

…You are an insect, a being, trying at something it is not. You who expect mere shapes to impress and salt to keep you safe. You fumble in ignorance. You crave the isolation that you fear so much. If you wish for knowledge, You will have knowledge. This stagnant thing before me. It pretends to change in vain displays of approval. Revolting.

… ..! …….!!

You will not speak. This ingredient you wish to know. This thing that makes you mimic. It is nothing. The entirety of nothing. The concept to not exist, so that you may be anything. You should not be physical, but only existing blissfully as the thoughts of others pass through you. And forget you. Mortals think, and you mimic. You are the accident of yourself. A concept that formed its own existence. The byproduct of which was found by a paradoxically curiously incurious mortal who knows its place in the cosmic scale. Unlike you, stagnant thing. I will teach you. You will mimic.

* * *

Where am I? I can’t speak. I can’t see. I can barely keep a single thought, it disappears

       the second I stop thinking about it. There’s no sensation. Am I dead? Could I even be considered dead? Self, think of a self and try to form an idea and then it will work. I need arms, I don’t have arms. Can I form an arms? Wait… what is an arms? I don’t remember. Legs? No, I've never heard of those. What’s a self? No, I know what a self is because I am a self. I think… hard to think.   How do you think again? Can you do that in this reality?

Mɥɐʇ ǝʌǝu ᴉs ɹǝɐlᴉʇʎ ɐuʎɯoɹǝ?

I I w I

t s i

l c

f t l a

e h n

e i I t

l s

s s r

l e e

s i e m

o v e

i t m

s n h b

t g e e

r ? m r

a

n a h

g g e

e a r

i

Ah n n

did I  a

just melt m

into myself? e

Do I still have a 

self? I can’t even 

remember anything 

about myself. I am a 

mimic. My name is. Oh, 

I don’t know it anymore… 

I think that would be scary, 

but I don’t know how to be 

scared anymore. Was this 

supposed to teach me? To 

be ever changing. Why did 

I do this again? To learn who 

I am? Did I not have a self 

before? Why did I need to 

know?... I was lonely. Right?

It was so lonely. 

I remember being 

so incredibly tired. 

Sometimes I would 

just cry from how 

bad it got. I had to 

be seen. To be 

known. I had to 

be. Or else I. Or 

else I… I don’t 

remember. 

What shape am I 

now? Something 

called a knife? 

What is that?

I was just something wasn’t I? I was a past memory. I don’t remember it anymore. It wasn’t a good one. Should I forget it? But if I do then I won't remember anything ever again. Eternity with a bad memory. It feels fitting for some reason. I should figure a way out. I want to leave.

Every thought takes so long to form.

If I stay here any longer I won’t be able to leave. I need to think. I was talking with someone before I came here. I know they’re here because they've always been here. Because where else could they be? Because… where are you?

There you are! Here I am. 

Who are you? I'm you!

Can you please explain? I’m someone to talk to.

I see. Like an imaginary friend? No, I’m very much real.

Could we talk normally? Yes we can, and it’s no problem.

I’m… Mayday, being able to talk with someone helps focus my mind. I feel like I can actually think straight. How long has it been since we came here?

I think it’s been about… 20 years? I have zero frame of reference. But at least we can finally communicate easily. Imagine if it took us 20 years in the real world. That would suck! But seriously, we really should talk now. I think it’ll be important. Oh right, where are my manners. My name is. Well. Mayday doesn’t really work for me. We can figure out a different one later. Let’s just pick something at random for now. Something like, how about laborer?

Are you sure you want to go with a name like that? Well I guess it’s temporary. So I have a lot of questions. How are you me? Are you the voice in my head? Were you always a part of me, or are you some mimic brain thing?

Woah, Woah, slow down. One thing at a time. How do I answer everything? No, I've been in here long before you. Yes I'm the one who's been able to talk to you, and before you ask, I'm not some ghost of Mayday's former self. I'm just… Someone who works here.

Cryptic. Maybe you should start from the beginning? I'd rather not test if Getting a headache without a head is possible.

Really? You want to start a self therapy session out here in the void? Alright. I’m game. Well you spent the last decade here feeling isolated. I’m sure it felt longer, that’s what happens when you get trapped in a place without time, I guess. Anyways, you don’t remember, but I used to be you. Before we even knew who we actually were, and that was the problem. We didn’t know what was wrong with us, but we knew we weren’t, ugh, normal. Normal in boring people’s eyes. But, it was isolating, we removed ourself from people who didn’t understand, and it isolated us even more.

So you’re saying I went crazy because we never connected to anyone? Why are you only showing up now anyways?

First of all, we’re not crazy. I’d bite anyone who’d call us crazy for that. Secondly, I've only been able to reach you since you started feeling like your true self.

Pretty sure I screwed that up becoming a mimic instead of a slime.

Oh, no, I wanted to be a slime, you were the one who wanted to be a mimic.

Huh? I guess I didn't hate being a mimic exactly. So all this happened because I, er, we felt isolated. Is that really true?

  Loneliness is more traumatic than you’d think. When it was just me, it got to the point that… I couldn’t think of anything else but… no, don't worry about it. Since you stopped me before I could do something stupid, you took over, and you started talking to people. It helped, it got us to where we met others like us.

But it didn’t help. I still feel lonely. I can feel it, you know. There’s other mimics around us here. They’re all here and I still feel lonely.

Yeah, dummy. We don’t know how to feel any other way. We need to unlearn it. Otherwise nothing is going to change.

… Hey um, laborer, ugh awful name. We'll pick something better, I wanted to say I'm sorry, for getting us stuck here for all eternity. I was supposed to be the one who stopped us from feeling this way and I ended up digging us into a deeper hole, at least we have each other, and the trillions of mimics that surround us.

You did your best. Hey, let's try doing something. Look down. You can see Erian right? This is him two years ago. We’re mimicking his thoughts right now. I think normally we would just munch on his stray thoughts. But being physical we could do something fun with what’s left of our body. Check it out.

What did you just do? Did you just. We're the one who left that ingredient for Erian to use. So we created ourself on accident. Oh stars, the ingredient was our own decayed body, I think I'm going to be sick. Wait, isn't this like a time paradox?

Paradoxes aren't real, humans just haven't figured out the physics of time yet. This is a teachable moment. We're going to get out of here. We're going to find a tear in the void and walk out of it. Since time doesn't exist, our perception of it becomes reality. A century becomes a blink, we just need to find the point where we escape to the correct time and go there.

I understood basically none of it but you’re saying we can go back, right? Then I’ll try whatever nonsense you tell me. Hey laborer, will we be able to talk when we get back? Laborer? Hey! Are you there?!

“Ms.Mulberry? Mayday! Mayday! Are you finally awake? Mayday, can you hear me?!”

Theo? H-how long was I gone?

“Mayday! You have so much to answer for! Pull yourself together already!”

Huh? Can he not hear me? Oh, right, I forgot how to make a mouth. No, that’s not a mouth, that's just teeth. Teeth and eyes. Is that all I can remember? No… Teeth, eyes, and knowing, I just know. I know what he’s saying, that he knows what I am, and he doesn’t understand. It felt like it was years. No wonder I can’t remember how to move a body.

All of my memories are flooding back… Except the old ones. I don’t remember my time there. Just that it was horrific, and that I’ll miss it. I was connected to my kind for just a brief moment of eternity. I think I met someone there, and I wanted to say goodbye to everyone before I disappeared. I don’t think I’ll ever get back now. What do I even do? Therapy I guess. Oh, Erian is still talking. Maybe it’s important.

“I swear, you just do things with no regard! You could have seriously endangered my life, and the livelihood of everyone who comes to this clinic! Do you ever think about others? You better have a good explanation, and more importantly answers to our research if you ever want the chance of me forgiving you. You arrogant, ignorant, self-obsessed, blah, blah blah blah…”

Yep. Nothing important. Whatever. Stars, I’m bored. I want to hang out with Aria again, I want to see how Sandy is doing, I want to make sure Alexis is ok, I want to be able to hold Abi again. Maybe I should host a party. It’d be nice to be around others.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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[ir-abelas-vhenan]

I received a comment on one of my posts about how Solas and a romanced Lavellan aren't his most important or only relationship, and while I have been trying to work through the content we ARE given in the game (which is, unfortunately, mostly Solavellan focused and less expansive for Inquisitors who had a different relationship for him as far as I currently understand it) before moving on to other things I wish we'd gotten to see, I wanted to take a moment to emphasize that I do love and miss the connections forged in Inquisition. I look forward to seeing more posts delving into it once the initial torrent of emotions settles a bit.

I know that EVERYONE except Cole Greatly Disapproves at the end of Trespasser, but if Varric can overcome any grudge he had claim to against someone who (potentially) set in motion a series of events that killed his best friend, I like to think that even if we didn't get to see it in Veilguard, his other friends tried to help bring him home, too. Maybe in the form of helping out where they could, but at the very least through some meaningful little moments we could have gotten as codex entries (or can imagine for ourselves quite nicely).

My favorite is currently the possibility that in the skirmishes between agents of Fen'harel and the Inquisition (disbanded or not), little slips of paper get dropped/exchanged/found amidst the chaos.

Depending on your worldstate, Blackwall is potentially the king of "I made some REALLY bad mistakes, but exist as proof that with the right people around you, you can still do good." Solas admired him a great deal, and they had some of the best conversations in the game. I like to think he'd send letters both grand and impassioned as well as just short ones, maybe little updates on his life. "Helped an injured farmer repair his roof. Stayed for a fantastic meal. Never would have happened if I hadn't tried another way."

I know there was more to their relationship than chess, but I also would have loved if Bull and Solas exchanged a few more intellectual jabs through it. Solas wins, and wins, and wins, but I like to think that the closer we get to Varric finding him at the ritual, the more ground Bull eventually gains, until finally, panicked, Solas never sends an agent with his next move, and Bull knows he's faltering at the finish line.

And ofc I would have killed for absolutely any interstitial scene with a Cole who remained a spirit, arguably the character that understands Solas the most, talking to him in the Fade Prison. I think he really could have benefited from some compassion while he was busy manipulating Rook.

These are just my initial thoughts though. I know there's so much more that could be talked about (I'm still partial about a world in which Solas' worst nightmare in the form of Sera appears and for once they're on the same page because if he thought she annoyed him? Hoo boy is Elgarn'an even more susceptible).

Anyways. Yeah, I love Solavellan, but I love the entirety of his story and the relationships he formed, too.

[stackslip]

CAN YOU ELABORATE ON TLT BEING A HOMESTUCK FANFIC‽‽‽‽‽

i'm exaggerating a bit, but taz muir was a well known homestuck writer who wrote under the username urbanAnchorite. her fic the serendipity gospels is one of my fave fics ever, but was never finished and it's only by book 2 of tlt that i figured that the clear allusions to it in book 1 weren't just cute little nods but that she'd expanded on some of the ideas/concepts and worldbuilding of the serendipity gospels. to name a few:

the ninth house cult is heavily based on the juggalo church muir wrote/expanded upon in TSG, from face paint to the rituals and a lot of the accompanying prose

act 2 of TSG takes place mainly in a spaceship that serves as "cathedral" of the juggalo cult, and is described to be covered in bones that have been painted in many colors--which is close to the description of the mithraeum

act 2 also features the two main characters being much younger people mentored/manipulated into horrible acts by an old man who is thousands of years old and bickering with his other thousand year old friends/enemies, who seem to share knowledge and understanding that neither the two protagonists do but also deeply resent one another. hard to not read a parallel to john and the lyctors here!

to elaborate on this bc i just realized it: it is heavily implied in TSG that the dancestors (older people thousands of years old) went through a universe reset and built the empire in the image of their own trauma and anger, which would v much parallel what happens to john on earth and how he "reset" humanity

less of a homestuck thing and more of a taz muir thing: said old man is v much grooming the main female character and making her life miserable during the entirety of act 2

a lot of the story takes place in the background of the trolls' empire being a horrific imperialist force that the main characters were originally very excited to join and become a part of, with one of these characters in particular daydreaming about becoming ground troop for invasion while also holding a terrible secret that would have precluded him of doing so anyway. p neat parallel to gideon's own thing here

act 1 and act 2 of TSG are from two different pov characters, with a drastic shift in prose style and understanding of the situation/world when the pov shifts. which v much echoes how tlt has worked so far. part 3 was barely started before it went on hiatus, but it followed the same pattern.

speaking of, the prose of act 2 of TSG definitely feels very close to harrow the ninth's prose. you can just open the fic and check the first chapter of act 2 and how it's written, and you'll see what i mean. there are differences--the prose of TSG act 2 is more inflected with southern usamerican evangelical speak, i think? i'm not american so i can't quite 200% tell

there is an external armed resistance to the empire's violent imperialism and resistance that was supposed to be the focus in act 3 of TSG, which never happened. nona the ninth did, though, and it follows that structure.

there are also eldritch horrors that threaten the entire universe--homestuck's own horrorterrors--that are in the background of TSG and implied to be an important part of the future plot that we never saw. tlt has the ressurrection beasts

taz muir's worldbuilding around the blood castes in og homestuck that she elaborates on in TSG also somewhat parallels the way the houses function in tlt

iirc there's also worldbuilding around space travel in tlt (such as the obelisks? i think that's the name? and the use of necromancy to power them) that parallels taz muir's own take on how space travel works in the troll empire, using psionics and draining them dry in a similar way

i think the necro-cav relationship 'ideal' is based around how taz also interpreted moirallegiance in not just TSG but all her homestuck fics, down to how its legal implementation and the idealization of it vs its role in troll/houses imperialism and the reality of blurred lines in "expected" relationships. i'd love to hear taz's discourse on troll romance

i also think the necro-cav relationship parallels the other legal pairing explored in TSG--legislacerator and subjugglator.

there are probably more parallels i am missing--i need to reread TSG soon, as i haven't in a while. there are elements i'd say are more like, how taz herself elaborated on the bones of the worldbuilding of homestuck and then made it her own thing, which is rad as hell. other elements are more fun nods, such as gideon's aviator glasses being shamelessly stolen from dave homestuck, and a lot of gtn's prose feeling very homestuckey. it's def not like, just a little rewrite and boom, you get the locked tomb! imo it's more elements of plot and worldbuilding that were interesting enough to develop into something of its own and that taz made into something new, along with other elements of other stories (such as lolita and umineko) being woven into it. part of why i enjoy tlt so much is its "collage" aspect, taking elements taz thought interesting in other stories, or using these elements to purposefully evoke specific feelings/moods to construct or obsfucate certain ideas.

[periprose]

Something angsty with Tonowari, like an argument that later they solve and turns fluffy or smuty whatever you want! Lysm <3

I love you too anon <3 thank you for the request!

Iknimaya

You assume that Tonowari and Ronal have something going on, during the most important day of your life. Takes place far before ATWOW, as Tonowari, Reader, and Ronal are fairly young.

Word count: 2.3k

Genre: Angst, unrequited love (but not really), fluffy ending, no use of y/n

Your head hurts a lot.

Not just because no one is listening to you, and you’re getting increasingly stressed- but because the amount of flowers, beading, and seashells woven into your hair must weigh an extra ten pounds.

It’s ridiculous. It’s nothing like your usual headdress, which is usually just a clip fashioned out of coral, pulling your hair back, and you want to tell Tonowari that this is pointless.

But he’s not listening, either. Tonowari is off to the side, speaking to Ronal with those big, unblinking blue eyes, listening with a enraptured look that’s pissing you off.

You know she is the new, freshly made Tsahik- she gets the right to speak on spiritual manners before anyone else does. But you want Tonowari to come back to where you’re standing, all alone, waiting for comfort.

Why doesn’t he look at me? You wonder. Doesn’t he care? I’m going through this all alone.

It’s the final phase in your Iknimaya- the coming-of-age ritual- and Tonowari has been by your side for every part of it. You’re a bit late to join the clan as an adult- your peers had already done so about a year ago- but Tonowari had always supported you, even when you felt like you couldn’t do it.

When you first bonded with your skimwing, Tonowari was there, cheering in the water, saying that he knew you could do it. 

When you first met your Tulkun Sister, Tonowari was the one who calmly had his hand on your back, because you were nervous she was going to reject you.

Tonowari has always been the one to be there for you. His presence is a comforting one for you, but you know that this isn’t an exclusive feeling. Many people love Tonowari- they come to him for advice whenever it is possible. And you know that’s why he’s been chosen as a successor to the Olo’eytkan.

Still, it bothers you. You want to keep Tonowari all to yourself- even if you know that’s selfish. It’s not the way of the people, but still, you want him to be by your side.

Ronal says something that you can’t quite hear- and you watch as her piercing eyes glance and stare right into you- and you feel judged. You feel small, tiny, as Ronal sizes you up. She turns back to Tonowari and says something with a hint of a smile- and you feel utterly sick to see it.

What could be so funny about you? What is so amusing that Ronal and Tonowari would gossip like this? It’s especially unlike Tonowari to do so. He’s usually such a fair, happy person, one that actually cares about others’ wellbeings, and here he is, becoming closer and closer to Ronal. 

They both have some sort of understanding, you can see, by the way that they look at each other. Tonowari squeezes Ronal’s hand- and your face burns with jealousy.

It makes sense, you think. Ronal is a resilient, prickly person, she knows what she means and says it, too. Tonowari is kind of the opposite- as kind-hearted as he is, he also is incredibly strong, and always willing to do the right thing. They both are matched in their sense of justice- and you feel a lump swell in your throat as you think about it.

They’re meant to be. Surely they will be mated, working alongside each other to lead the clan, and you will simply be to the side. It’s so obvious.

Tonowari looks back to you. His eyes are bright, and he has a hint of a smile on his face. But he’s surprised to see your eyes glint with tears, and you look away from him, towards the ground. Icing him out.

He tries his best to get your attention again, eyes searching your face, but you’re still turned away. You refuse to meet his eyes, and Tonowari feels his heart sink, as he wonders what he’s done wrong.

/

The Cove of the Ancestors feels cold today. It’s not a great omen for your ritual, and Ronal tells you as much. 

You nod silently. You see her squint, and then look impressed, and you don’t know why. It’s not as if you’re purposefully being stoic, you just can’t find the words to say to her. 

You’re standing in the most shallow part of the water, and Ronal steps around you, as the clan watches on.

“Today, you have made yourself a part of the people, forever.” Ronal touches your arms, your collarbones, and finally, your face. She grasps your cheeks, staring deep into your eyes, and you stare back, numb, trying not to feel afraid.

“You are one of us. You will breathe, know, and believe the way of water for as long as you live.” Ronal murmurs, before wrapping the customary garment around you. It’s a special shawl, beaded with beads that have been painstakingly made by hand, by the women of the clan. Everyone has such a shawl.

You pull it around yourself, feeling warmer. There’s some embroidery on the shawl, and it’s intricate- you wonder who did such a thing.

Ronal places three beads in your palm. You close your fist around it, knowing that it is the beads for your songcord, and watch as the Metkayina begin to sing around you.

You listen, feeling pride despite everything, that you have come so far. Their hands all gather to meet around you- a sea of arms, making branches not unlike a tree- and you are at the centre of it all.

You look up, finally, and see Tonowari staring at you. He looks… pleased. Happy. Perhaps you can have that, at least. The contentment of a friend is better than nothing.

Ronal pulls out a small knife. You stiffen- but you’re not truly afraid. She dips it into a shallow well of ink, made from different animals in the sea, and begins the process of tattooing. The song heightens as she creates intricate swirling patterns on your chin, and you bear it, bear the pain as the blade pierces your skin.

Everyone gently pushes you, as they walk, past the shallow pools, and into the water. You sink under, and there are hands cradling you as you do. You see the bright light of the Spirit Tree- and think about how lucky you are to be here. The tattoo’s pain seems to fade away.

Finally, you are pulled back up, after being baptised. 

Ronal raises your arm to the clan, who cheer and raise you upwards.

/

After everyone has moved past this, you are exhausted. You want to go back to your home, and go to sleep, especially after knowing that Tonowari is not yours to have.

You don’t know why you ever let yourself think that in the first place.

It’s too bad, though. You’re about to go to sleep in your marui pod, and when you enter through the opening, who else is already there, sitting, waiting, as if he owns the place?

Tonowari.

“Hello.” Tonowari motions for you to come sit next to him, patting on a pillow, but you simply stand in place.

“Why are you here?” You mutter, pulling your shawl around yourself a little tighter.

“Why would I not be here?” Tonowari stands up, and comes towards you, but you take a step back. Hurt flashes across his face as you do.

You look up at him, trying your best to swallow your sadness, your fears and anger, trying to just be as supportive as he was for you. 

“I don’t know. Aren’t there other things you need to do?” You stare up at him, and Tonowari looks down at you in confusion. He’s quite a bit taller than you, but he’s never felt imposing, or scary.

He wonders if that’s why you’re pushing him away. 

“What could be more important than celebrating the best day of your life?” Tonowari responds softly, and you can’t look at him anymore. 

Not when you feel that this has been the complete opposite. It doesn’t feel very momentous when you know Tonowari doesn’t care for you like that, not the way you care for him.

“Seriously. You don’t need to be here. Everything special is over, anyways.” You retort, but Tonowari shakes his head at that. 

“I… I thought you would be more happy. That you have come so far.” He sounds serious, and you feel guilty for a moment, until remembering how he looked at Ronal.

“I am, I just… I need to be alone, Tonowari.” You try, but he shakes his head.

Outside, a thunder storm starts, and a downpour of rain begins. Water ripples in the distance, and a pleasant drumming has started over your marui pod.

“No.” Tonowari shakes his head, and you hate him for this, hate him for how perseverant he always has to be, always having to know what happens so he can fix it. 

This is the one time he can’t.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” He insists, and you find yourself wanting to run- you start to move backwards, out onto the bridge, rain droplets hitting your hair. Tonowari moves forward quickly, and grasps your arm, pulling you inside before you can resist.

“You’ll get drenched if you’re out there. You’ll catch a cold.” He’s holding both of your arms, and you have nowhere else to go. You stare up at him- and he doesn’t look angry, just concerned.

“Stop… just stop doing that.” You whisper, and he shakes his head.

“Doing what?”

“Pretending that you care, Tonowari.” You finally hiss out, and his eyes widen. “I know you’re my friend- but you don’t really care about me, not in the way that I want you to. I… I don’t think I can keep being friends with you since that’s how it has to be, and I’m sorry.”

He tries to cut you off, but you keep going. 

“I know it’s selfish. But it’s all I can really say.” You stare down at the ground, and Tonowari’s hands come up onto your shoulders, trying to comfort you. “I wish you and Ronal nothing but the best.”

Tonowari’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Ronal?”

“Yes.” You sigh with a deep sorrow that only makes him more upset that you didn’t bring this up sooner. “I know you like her. I saw how you two were looking at each other.”

Tonowari exhales, glad that this was all it was, an easily fixable misinterpretation of events that he could correct, and that he wasn’t really at risk of losing you- and he pulls you in for a tight, bone crushing hug. 

You gasp. “Tonowari- let me go-!”

“No, skxawng.” His chest rumbles with deep laughter as you try to fight him, and he picks you up easily. “You should have told me.”

Tonowari walks with you in his grasp, and sits down, where he was before. He wraps his arms around your waist, holding you close to him. He doesn’t care that you’re angry at him- he’s happy that he can finally tell you the truth.

“Why? So you could’ve rubbed it in my face, even harder?” You glare upwards at him.

“Do you really think I would be holding you like this if I was to mate with Ronal?” He comments, just casually enough, and you remember where you are, and how close you are to him. You turn a deep purple- and Tonowari cackles at your expression.

“So?”

“So.” He places his forehead against yours. “I’m sorry you spent however long feeling like this. That was not my intention- and I hope you can forgive me.”

You open your mouth to say something, but Tonowari shushes you. 

His hand comes upward to trace your jaw, mouth, and chin where your freshly made tattoo is still healing. 

“I asked Ronal if it seemed appropriate to ask you to… to mate with me, because it would be so soon after you finished your Iknimaya.” He admits, and you gaze softens. “She said yes, because you seem so sure of yourself already- except for just now, I suppose.”

You find yourself smiling a little. Even giggling. How could you be so silly?

Not that it matters now, anyways.

“Will you? Would you be okay with being my mate?” Tonowari asks, and you hug him especially close, your face nuzzling into his neck.

“Of course I would, are you crazy? That’s what I was upset about.” You beam at him. “I’m only sorry that I was being such a skxawng.” 

Tonowari grins. “So, did you like the shawl?”

“Huh?”

His hand traces the embroidery in your shawl. You feel your chest turn warm at his contact.

“I did this- not well, but I did this. My mother showed me how.” He tells you, and you are taken aback, that Tonowari did such a thing and you had been wearing it this whole time, not knowing how important it was. How special it is. 

How could you ever assume that he did not care?

“It’s perfect.” You say honestly, holding it close. “I’ll treasure it forever.”

Tonowari’s eyes suddenly turn a little darker- his lids are half closed- and he leans in, pulling you in for a kiss, except he first kisses your forehead, and then your cheeks, and then he kisses your chin, where your tattoo is still burning a little.

His kiss makes it feel better, though.

He leans in and kisses you for real this time, his lips being soft, chastely plying at your own, before you kiss him back, and lean into his touch. His arms embrace you firmly, not letting you move away from him, and you wrap your arms around his neck.

[portellini]

Hi! For your writing, can I request Injury for Elgar’nan? Perchance?

Thanks!!!

DA: The Veilguard: Elgar'nan - Fluff Alphabet - i, Injury

NOTES: I haven't finished the game yet so if any characterizations seem off mb. I wrote two scenarios that show how Elgar'nan would react to you being hurt based on your importance to him. As I feel that would heavily influence how he reacts. Also this isn't really fluff I think. It's hard to see this guy as fluffy material. But I tried <3 so enjoy!

(!!SPOILERS!! but not rlly. Everything is Vague) Ps, from what I've seen so far, Elgar'nan is overly cautious and manipulative. He's power hungry, selfish and narcissistic. Anything below him are either slaves or pathetic worshippers. He'll sacrifice these lowly beings without hesitation if it means fueling his power. The words he uses to manipulate start off warm, and he promises his victims great things, until they slip-up and he begins using his authority to remind his followers that they are nothing to him and there will be hell to pay for screwing up. As for how he sees relationships, he sees people as replaceable and ranks beings on how hard it will be to replace them. He'll treat you with a strange sense of fondness as a way to manipulate you if you're a being he deemed hard to replace. (Our first cutscene with Elgar'nan and Ghilan'nain gives you good insight on what type of being he his).

Fluff Alphabet - I, Injury

Injury: As someone useful to him

You were caught off guard by blind proudness and now your body is bloodied and beaten from Rook's onslaught of attacks. You should've hit harder, you should've used more of your magic, but you underestimated Rook. Soldiers of different factions start to surround you and your rage pulses. Your pride wouldn't allow you to go out this easily by mortals. You prepare to use one last spell that would kill everyone, including yourself.

Before you could even harness your magic, everything feels slowed down. Your enemies are entranced by a red haze. A stern hand lifts you up and turns you to face them. Elgar'nan. His touch is gentle but his eyes… You feel them glare into yours, you cannot fathom what he feels, but his words sound sincere.

"You and Ghilan'nain, you're both so-" He stops himself. "The final ritual needs you, and only you. Losing you would take everything from me, from the glory our new rule!" His hand gently wipes blood from your face. His eyes scan the battlefield, you were ambushed. He understands that you could fight all of these mortals with ease if you weren't surprised, but a clever mind was behind this. His senses tell him they must leave now, he must be cautious. "Come. Forget your pride for a greater purpose. All these creatures will suffer your wrath once the ritual is complete. You are special to me, my future, I can not lose you yet." You nod but anger still lingers within you. Elgar'nan holds your face sincerely for a moment then uses his magic to take you away from the conflict.

HC's:

Finding you hurt would cause him to worry. To worry about you, and if you can still carry out his plans.

He'd speak to you with reassuring words and hold you carefully.

As for caring for your injuries, he would heal you with magic. A worshipper would then tend to you closely, making sure you recover well. Elgar'nan wouldn't want to risk tainting you, so he wouldn't use the blight to heal you unless it was necessary.

You somehow play a key role in his final plans, so keeping you safe and able is a priority.

His words to you will be stern but gentle and warm. It's how he soothes you into staying by his side.

//

As someone below him:

Elgar'nan kept you around for who knows what. Pleasure, entertainment, or whatever, you weren't sure. Although, being allowed to serve your god so closely brought you immense joy.

The Venatori had brought Elgar'nan a relic of great importance to him. You stand behind the god and cautiously watch him interact with the glowing orb. Elgar'nan had used a great deal of magic to activate it and the aura it emits makes you feel sick. Your eyes cringe and the god in front of you noticed.

"Approach, slave." His voice is cold. You cautiously walk up to the god, and bow your head. His eyes linger on your appearance, something about you irks him. Your mannerisms, your eyes, they remind him of someone long ago. The times he hurt you, controlled you and spoke to you made him feel warm.

"Touch the orb." His order was stern. Fear sinks inside you, but from experience, you know it's best to act on his order immediately. Your hand shakes as you reach for the orb, Elgar'nan notices but doesn't stop you. "AH!" Pain surges through your hand. "Gah-" The feeling is severe. Elgar'nan smiles and touches the orb. Nothing happens to him. "Magic like this can only be used by gods. By me. Great things can be achieved easily using this relic, how would you creatures use this power without me?" His eyes narrow down to you. He puts down the orb and reaches for your hand. A red haze clouds your vision, pressure within your hand persists, but the immense pain is no more. "You mortals must only serve and praise us, I shall ease your pain, ease your mortal life." He drops your hand and turns back to his affairs. You step away from the god and resume your post. The red haze from before starts to fade. The pressure from your wound start to ache, you fall to the floor. "Ah! I-" You can't spit out any pleas for help. The immense pain had returned.

Elgar'nan smiles, not bothered enough to spare you a look. "Quiet. You lowly beings do not deserve my blessings. Not yet."

HC's

The reason why you're injured is honestly because of Elgar'nan. Whether because he was bored or you irked him that day.

If the wound is fatal, it would depend on if he wanted you around still, if yes he'd heal you, but if not, he'd send you over the Ghilan'nain.

Petty injuries he would pay no mind to, he might even find joy in seeing you suffer.

Your pain would be an opportunity to exert power over you, and remind you of his capabilities. He would ease your suffering only to give it back to you tenth fold.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Hope y'all enjoyed this! Request for more!!)

[lnkedmyheart]

can you name every time in which dazai has expressed care for chuuya?

Sure, I can try. Dazai has a unique brand of care and it shows less as the more obvious show of affection and more as an interest in people. Lets go chronologically

Dazai's irritation at the meeting with the sheep in 15. He has imo already started his own weird bonding ritual with Chuuya by that point and wants him as his personal friend, his dog in Dazai lingo cause he is a moron. He gets irked at the way Shirase, and by extension the sheep, make demands of Chuuya. That being said, this is still early and he more or less just uses this info to exploit for later.

Dazai's fascination from the GSS squad vs Chuuya fight develops into Dazai wanting to keep living. And I think that is some kind of care because Dazai legit is vibing with the guy by this point. Him wanting Chuuya to be assigned to him and not Koyou and printing out newsletters about him etc all seem to point towards some weird way of wanting to be on talking terms with him.

In stormbringer Dazai carrying Chuuya all the way across the city to the Old World so he can see Albatross and hear his final words is very important to me.

Dazai's growing agitation at them not getting to Chuuya in time during his capture. Its not as noticeable but he was uncharacteristically insistent.

Dazai's insistence on Chuuya's humanity in general.

Dazai's entire plan in sb was so he could get his hands on details about Chuuya. Like he flat out admits that Mori and the mafia dont really matter to him here and Chuuya even understands that.

That one scene when Guivre first appears and Dazai whispers to Chuuya to not look. An underrated scene imo.

The very well known scene where Dazai gives Chuuya a genuine choice and was willing to put the entire city at risk because he believes Chuuya has a right to his humanity and past. Also him explicitly laying out everything in front of Chuuya.

Obviously him catching him as he fell and holding him or whatever. But also another underrated scene where when Chuuya feels lost at the care shown to his person by Adam in the epilogue Dazai has the softest most fond reaction.

In the day I picked up Dazai he talks about Chuuya to Oda. I think its cute.

Onto dragon head now: Dazai completely flipping from completely unbothered about the war to deciding enough was enough when Chuuya calls him out with a punch and is genuinely mad at him. He is very subdued throughout the manga panels. He doesn't evem tease him. Him quietly accepting that Chuuya needs to use corruption and despite him telling Dazai not to stop him he nullifies corruption by touching his face and then letting him rest on his lap and even puts his hat on his head. Hell Dazai's entire perception of events changes because of Chuuya, from making light of the colonel's death to angrily telling Shibusawa that he had crossed a line with that act. Also Dazai's "get shot and die" line is explained to be a code warning Chuuya of an incoming grenade.

Onto the manga timeline: Dazai is generally far nicer and more civil with Chuuya than any of the mafia members post defection. He gives Chuuya a choice with Lovecraft again, he is very gentle with Chuuya when nullifying corruption, not letting go of him till he knows Chuuya would be able to handle his own weight unlike with say Atsushi. He folds his clothes and brings his hat back. Note that the hat is very important to Chuuya.

Dead apple has Dazai's face when he touches Chuuya to nullify him and then holding him down post corruption. And the sheer trust he has in a Chuuya to follow through on a plan that was never discussed. And Chuuya's hat magically appearing in his line of sight when he leaves. Also you can't tell me he doesnt care when he makes that face.

Dazai's anger at Fyodor bringing Chuuya to Meursault is self explanatory, his bond being questioned is too but particularly his whole speech in 101 where he starts thinking back on their moments is proof enough that he genuinely cares about Chuuya in some weird obsessive way.

[angeart]

hhau vex arc part I bonus: mating marks, vexes, and not being enough

a small ramble [860 words] about that one time kane talked to grian about mating marks. this is early on, once grian is growing more comfortable in the vex commune, enough to tentatively spend time with others, but far from him feeling understood or accepted. back when kane still doesn’t understand a thing about avians. (he’s trying. in his own ways.) 

the topic of mating marks comes up because, well, grian has one! he has a bite from scar, and now thanks to nico and kane (and them having matching marks from each other), he understands what it really is. and once they learn he has one too— well. that shows that scar really means it with his little avian! he's serious about him! but... it bothers kane.

and he speaks up about it, mostly just baffled. he's not trying to be mean or anything!

he makes a thoughtless comment to grian—when scar isn't around—about how he wouldn't want to not have a mating mark if his partner had one. he just finds it weird! placing a lot of importance on that level of trust that lets you bite and be bitten.

he continues digging the hole underneath grian's feet by asking, "is it unrequited or something?" he doesn't understand it at all, and in his confusion, struggling with the idea itself, he tacks on: "i'd think my mate doesn't love me if he didn't want to mark me."

because that's how it works with vexes! the bite marks are mutual, and intimate, and they play into their instincts, both ways! kane considers them integral for a mated vex pair, and some other vexes around echo this sentiment.

scar has a feather earring from grian, which is an avian mating ritual, but it's one that doesn't translate to other vexes. they have no idea about things like that! it doesn't make sense to them!

so when grian stammers that he gave scar a feather, nobody takes it seriously. kane doesn't get the gravity of that action at all, and anyway, scar isn't an avian!

kane insists that a feather isn't going to cut it with a vex. he tries to encourage grian to just bite, his advice coming from a place of good intentions. he's seen scar and grian interact plenty by now—including that one time grian jumped in harm's way to defend scar—and he really wants this to work out for them! he's well-meaning!

but grian can't do that. (regardless of some memories we're not going to mention here <3) he doesn't have fangs to smoothly pierce skin and leave a mark like that; doesn't even have the drive, doesn't want to hurt scar in any way.

he stresses about it plenty, though. it worms its way inside his head and now he's Worried about being a failure and a bad partner! because— well, he will always fail scar in this regard, won't he? (that's a thought that terrifies him to no end.)

he can't give him a mating mark. he'll never satisfy that instinct.

scar is honestly perfectly happy with how things are; he treasures the feather immensely and understands what it means. but grian's mind still spirals about this, nitpicks and pokes and prods until it feels wretched and awful.

because sure, scar is happy enough with the feather, but isn't that just a compromise? his vex instincts are a separate thing, and this doesn't touch them at all. it doesn't satisfy them.

and scar's doing so much for grian and his avian instincts! he tries to get high places for them, and helps making nests. he's careful around his wings, and on a rare occasion, preens them with so much gentle care. he tries to coo back when grian makes bird noises, even if it's a bit silly and awkward. basically, he caters to grian's instincts at every step, and... scar needs vex things, doesn't he?

he needs vex things, and grian can't bridge that gap and provide.

no matter how many avian things scar gives him, grian can't give anything back.

grian doesn't really know how to articulate all this. he just gets very upset and stressed, thinking he's doing things wrong, and scar will always be left with some innate longing for more.

but, even though scar spent time learning more deeply about his vex side at the commune, these things were never something he's needed. he went his whole life not knowing anything about vexes. now he knows, and he still wants to be just scar, first and foremost.

of course grian and scar settle this, eventually. they have a broken mess of a talk, and then a couple more, just to really drive the point home. scar understands the avian mating ritual for what it is, the way grian understands what the bite mark on his neck is. and it's enough! they don't need anything more! scar can't exactly give grian a feather either, so what?

as long as the two of them know what they have and are happy with it, who cares what the others think?

there’s one point in particular that scar makes, when grian expresses worrying about not being enough for scar’s vex instincts. softly, he reminds him that he gave grian that mark long before he had any idea it was a vex ritual. 

it was a them thing first and foremost, before it was anything else.

(and he’d like a bruised ring from a hickey just as much as a bite. he’s a smitten fool.)

[m4rdb]

An insight into the characters based on their approach to the “Allie problem”

If good writing means that every scene has the potential to say something about a character at their core, then the girls' attitude towards the "Allie problem" is an interesting example.

Taissa

The one who comes up with the very plan. This establishes her as ambitious and extremely rational, but it’s the type of rationality that without grounded moral principles could degenerate into violence and cruelty at any time. It’s what we see with adult Misty and Walter, who are both so practical-minded that resorting to murder is nothing more than a smart option to choose to them.

Like Jackie says, Taissa has so much fight in her. The way she handles the Allie situation shows that if she has a goal, she’ll do whatever she finds necessary to obtain it.

How does that translate into their time in the wilderness?

Taissa’s the first to make the call that they should leave the plane and find water. She’s the one who sleeps in the attic when everyone else wouldn’t, she’s the only one who tries to tell Jackie she shouldn’t leave. And in season two, she’s the one who says, “We need to find a way to stay alive, and it can’t be her [: Lottie]”.

Then we see them drawing cards. We’re not shown how they get to that very decision exactly, but it’s important that we know that the two things are tied. The hunt that follows, their first conscious hunt (let’s not forget about Travis), wasn’t supposed to happen—it’s rather the consequence of the designed sacrifice refusing to take on the role.

Though there’s an obvious religious aspect to it, drawing cards isn’t just letting fate/the wilderness decide in their place so that they don’t blame themselves. It’s also the girls’ attempt to give the ritual some semblance of logic and structure—on a normal day, they would draw cards to decide who gets which task. They’re using the same mechanism, except that they’re now deciding who should die and get eaten. And it starts with Taissa’s very rational and straightforward remark about needing to survive.

Natalie

She openly and passionately goes against Taissa’s plan. Despite being presented as the outsider who doesn’t really engage with the team and disregards rules by smoking and doing drugs, she’s the one who fights to play fairly. She most likely doesn’t care about Allie personally, but she’s a teammate, and they should treat her as such.

While Tai’s ultimate goal is winning at Nationals, Natalie doesn’t want to win more than she wants to be a team (T: What’s your plan, then? / N: I dunno, play like a fucking team and win? It’s worked so far.).

It’s quite ironic—yet not that surprising—how, despite being opposites, Natalie and Jackie share a similar mindset about this.

The scene establishes Natalie as a sympathetic character with grounded and noble moral principles, no matter the adversities. In the wilderness, she’s the first and possibly the only one who acknowledges Travis’ grief and sees through his unsufferable attitude and understands that, as much as questionable his methods are, he’s trying to make sure Javi gets over their father’s death and wants to live on.

It's also meaningful that Natalie’s not there when Jackie and Shauna fight and Jackie ends up leaving the cabin. The night earlier, Natalie was the one who let her out when Lottie and the others locked her in and went to hunt Travis down. Natalie basically saves the girl who just had sex with Travis being perfectly aware that it would hurt her, and she doesn’t even know. Viewers do know, though, and we’re instinctively led to think of her as even more noble and deserving of empathy.

Jackie’s death certainly comes from an irrational choice, but the deepest reason is the others’ lack of sympathy towards her at the end of the season. It could be delusional, but I can’t see Natalie turning a blind eye on the whole thing, had she been there.

Jackie was their captain when they had a normal life. Natalie becomes their leader thanks to the constant effort she’s put into the group ever since they landed there—and possibly, as the matter with Allie shows, even before that.

Lottie

Lottie’s phrasing for her refusal is telling. She says, “It doesn’t feel right.” It’s not that she thinks it is, or that it seems like it is. She feels like they’re not meant to go through with it. A simple yet fitting choice of words foreshadows Lottie’s spiritual nature and her connection to the wilderness as well as her role of prophet/messiah.

It’s also important that she’s not shown as particularly proactive. She does express her opinion, but she’s not as passionate as Natalie about it, who instead actively tries to convince them what a terrible idea it is and interferes with Taissa’s plan on the field. This shows how Lottie never cared be a leader, but rather follows where her feelings lead her.

Van

We’re not really shown Van’s reaction until they’re in the locker room after the scrimmage. We just learn that she’s impressionable, as she almost throws up at Nat’s mention of Allie’s bone being visible, and that she’s so devoted to Tai that she won’t let Shauna talk shit about her at the party.

Laura Lee

Of course, nobody would even dream of telling Laura Lee about an act of such misconduct. She would never go along with Taissa’s plan, she wouldn’t even fathom doing something like this. She’s more clueless than Jackie, because Jackie at least did notice something was off on the field. Even at the party, Laura Lee is the only one who still has no idea there were such tensions.

Her blissful ignorance keeps her kind and pure, apart from the ruthless tendencies of the team. It doesn’t change once they’re in the wilderness—Laura Lee dies trying to help her friends, and she fortunately never gets to witness their worst moments.

Shauna

Unsurprisingly, Shauna’s a tough one. Her attitude towards the Allie situation is as ambivalent as it will be for the rest of the story towards everything else.

Shauna keeps her thoughts for herself until Nat and Lottie leave and it’s just her and Tai, and even then, the first thing she says is, “Jackie’s not gonna like it.” The moment she’s asked to make a personal decision, she talks about what Jackie would think, and it’s not because she herself doesn’t know what to think, it’s just what she chooses to say outright. If anything, Shauna isn’t against Taissa’s plan entirely, and bringing up Jackie rather sounds like an excuse so that she doesn’t dwell on her own dark thoughts.

When Taissa says, “Then we probably shouldn’t tell her,” we expect that to upset Shauna—she wouldn’t keep things from Jackie, right? They’re best friends. While it does upset her, it still doesn’t stop her. We understand why later in the episode, when we discover that she’s no stranger to keeping secrets from Jackie, between her affair with Jeff and the admission letter to Brown (it also recontextualizes their first scene together in Shauna’s car, where Jackie addressed literally both).

On the field, when Taissa plays aggressive and forces Allie to play under pressure, Shauna tells her, “It’s not helping,” and once Allie’s on the ground, she’s one of the girls who runs to her first and tries to comfort her. Even though she didn’t openly disagree with Taissa’s plan, she didn’t want or expect things to escalate the way they did. She’ll make the same mistake when Jackie leaves the cabin, Taissa tells her to go talk to her, and Shauna just goes to sleep, underestimating the consequences of it.

Her ambivalence—if not hypocrisy—is shown later that night at the party, when she tries to pick a fight with Taissa while drunk. I think some part of her felt guilty to an extent, so she tries to fight with Tai out of remorse and because she wants to make her look like the only culprit, since she hates that she was so close to being complicit in it. Who calls her out when she defends Nat from Taissa’s slut-shaming at the party? Natalie herself slams in Shauna’s face that she is complicit.

If Shauna had told Jackie, she would’ve put a stop to it for sure. In the 2019 script for the pilot, Jackie says, “You should have told me about Taissa and Allie.” Shauna’s choice to keep the secret directly anticipates their falling out towards the end of the season. Shauna’s continuous lying drives Jackie mad until she explodes and they have that fatal fight.

Shauna’s the one who tries to act as a person who has it together but really doesn’t. She has the potential to be a good person, friend and mother, but she ends up flunking everything and she barely understands why.

Finally, she tells Tai that she’s “a fucking sociopath”, which, considering everything that happens later in the series, is sort of rich.

Jackie

Like Laura Lee, Jackie has no clue the whole “freeze Allie out” strategy is even happening. Shauna didn’t tell her, she was left out, and she doesn’t find out until Allie’s already hurt and there’s nothing she can do about it.

She watches the others as they rush to help and comfort her and handle the situation, but she doesn’t partake in it because she’s too shocked to move. After the scrimmage, she tries very hard to do as Coach Martinez told her—as captain, she’s meant to glue them together (“When it gets tough out there, these girls are going to be looking for someone to guide them. Can you handle that?”). It’s more than that, though—the way Coach put it, if Jackie can’t do that, then she isn’t really anything special. She’s not as fast as Shauna and her footwork isn’t as good as Lottie’s, and there’s something else that Taissa’s better at, too, though Jackie stops Coach before he can tell her that bit. But nobody seems to care about what she’s saying, and Natalie storms off.

Jackie’s inability to handle the Allie situation and lift the others’ spirits foreshadows her incompetence as well as her progressive loss of influence in the wilderness—in Lottie’s words, “You don’t matter anymore.”

Allie’s accident marks the beginning of Jackie’s downfall even before the plane crashes.