#Alfred mf pennyworth

[frownyalfred]

love the idea of the Batfamily getting stopped and searched in the family car on the way back to the Manor and everyone’s tense expecting Jason to be the one packing like twelve guns but it’s Alfred? Alfred is absolutely unbelievably strapped up to high heaven? And he somehow manages to talk to the cops out of arresting him or even giving him a ticket?

Bruce is just standing on the side of the road pinching the bridge of his nose. Jason is grinning so widely his face is about to rip. Alfred’s guns are all sitting on the hood of the car and there’s at least three there that Bruce remembers taking away and destroying. Dick is taking pictures on his phone to send to Barbara and trying not to laugh. Tim has Kon on speaker narrating it…

[bruciemilf]

I think Ra's should be obsessed with becoming Bruce's father figure.

Essentially, after Talia, Bruce is the flawless soldier. The perfect gun without a trigger. The perfect beast. Ra's shouldn't be faulted for harbouring potential. As deathly as it is.

Except Bruce is very adamant to break the hand that feeds. Everything Ra's offers, -- legacy, power, strength, immortality, -- every gift is turned away.

"My League needs a strong hand."

"Talia is more than enough."

"But. You could have all the children you wanted..."

"Hn...No."

Ra's shakes him, almost desperate, " What. Do you WANT, child?!"

" I'm no one's child. But I already have a father."

It can be as silly or serious as you want, but personally, I'm wheezing at the picture of Ra's and Alfred fighting for custody. These two would be mortal enemies.

Just these two, forehead to forehead, trying to explode the other with their mind.

" Hand me my heir, coloniser."

" Come and take him. Cunt."

Meanwhile, Pa Kent is seizing his chance.

[frogaroundandfindout]

“I’m talking about you. You’ve been trying to kill yourself for the past six months.”

“No—I—Bruce it’s not like that.”

“You know how I feel about killing, and you know why. And you know the difference between shooting a bullet and failing to step in front of one. You lost sight of the value of Roland Desmond’s life. If you need me to forgive you for that, I probably can. But it won’t mean anything until you forgive yourself. And you have no right to expect me to excuse you for losing sight of the value of yours. You made a mistake. Are you going to let it be your last?”

After passing out from radiation exposure, dick wakes up in the cave to Alfred treating him. He confesses to not saving blockbuster when he could have and Bruce walks in to ask him why he didn’t. Dick admits it was because for just a moment he didn’t want to. He then rushes to assure Bruce he never wanted anyone dead before that (save joker and Zucco) and Bruce tells him that he can forgive dick for losing sight of the value of blockbusters life. What he can’t forgive is dick losing sight of his own. (Nightwing Vol.2 #117)

[magicandstories]

trigger warning

Thank you. People just think they're this cutesy emo couple like MGK and Megan, but they are the farthest thing! Joker actively abused Harley, and that's not a relationship anyone should be supporting. He tried to kill her. No matter how the DC media keeps trying to keep their "relationship" going, I say burn it.

Harley actually was an accomplished person, with a stable job and an amazing reputation. So why does the media always portray her as bimbo, or Joker's useless girlfriend? She has always been so much more, and it's sad that people are realizing this just now.

Joker was not an amazing person that people should Harley fantasize sleeping with, considering the fact that the only reason she stayed with him was due to her case of Stockholm syndrome she had developed. Again, the man tried to kill her, and her (and his!) child too. She ran away from him when she found out she was pregnant, out of fear of what he might've done to her kid.

Here's a little list of some of the things Joker has done to Harley:

AGAIN AGAIN, HE TRIED TO KILL HER MULTIPLE TIMES

When he found out that she captured Batman, he smacked her because he didn't want to be the "guy whose girlfriend captured Batman"

In some (read: a lot) of the versions, he pushed her into the vat of chemicals without a choice

He threw her out of a four-story building

He tortured her for being too independent

He tried to cut off her face

In one comic when he became the ruler of the world, he "rewarded" her by killing her and turning her into a constellation

He literally threw her to hyenas. And then, when she decided to give up on him and become her own person, he sends her a single flower and she feels hope again.

This is a repeating abusive cycle, and DC keeps repeating it because it feeds the public's twisted minds.

Me going into my life chronically ignoring the fact they're going to drop ANOTHER Joker movie very soon and drag poor Harley Quinn with him.

and the movie just keeps getting near me

[deadsetobsessions]

To the mf who had my house before me, if you see me on the street, turn around and run the other way. Because if I see you, know that it’s going to be on sight. Who even puts tile like that?? Anyways, I'm kind of sick, so that's why I've been kind of inactive.

But good news (ish) I got me a house! Yay! Let’s hope I can keep it. To celebrate, y’all can have this! And a few chapters! So technically this is a chapter update post?

——

Danny’s most favorite thing to do with Alfred Pennyworth is groundskeeping. While he might not be Sam, Danny could still appreciate the serenity and beauty of nature.

“Ow, fuck!”

“Master Danny, please refrain from using explicit language.”

“Sorry, Alfred. I got stabbed.”

“Oh dear. Will you be needing a bandage?”

“Nah, it’s okay. I think…” Danny hummed, peering closer at the reddish brown thorns sprouting from the ground. “That might be the rose bush?”

Alfred paused his snipping, turning around and coming closer to inspect the plant. “How peculiar. It seems to have grown a branch beneath the soil.”

In unison, Danny and Alfred lifted their heads to look at the rose bush, innocuously sitting three yards away.

“Huh. Weird.”

“Indeed.”

The door to one of Bruce Wayne’s many gardens, all opulently gothic to hide their vigilante disturbances, opened. The hinges swung without a single creak, as Alfred the butler always carried WD-40 on his person and a squeaky hinge in this mansion was an affront to his professionalism.

"Hey, guys! Whatcha doing?" Duke greeted, followed by Jason.

"Gardening! You wanna help?"

"Nah, I'm a Gothamite, not Poison Ivy, man. I don't do grass." Duke replied, plopping down on one of the lawn chairs with his drink. "But I can totally give you moral support... from over here."

Danny snorted. "What about you, Jason?"

Jason shrugged. "Sure, what are we doing?"

"There's a rose bush that grew all the way over here."

"Woah, crazy."

"Indeed, Master Jason. I shall go get the shovels."

"Okay, Alfie," Jason absently agreed, focused on finding where else the rose bush had grown to. "You wanna keep the bush, right?"

"That would be preferable."

"Duke, can't-" Jason paused, throwing a quick look at Danny before visibly changing tracks. "Can't you get us some drinks?"

"Kitchen's right over there, Jason." Duke pointedly leaned back and took a sip.

Danny piped up. "I'll get it! What did you want, Jason?"

----

Two hours later, covered in all manners of dirt and blades of grass, Jason and Danny sat back to survey the messed up garden.

"You sure we can't hire Ivy to move the plant somewhere?"

"She'd just make it worse," Jason grumbled.

"You guys can do it!" Duke cheered, scrolling through his phone and cherry picking the most hilarious pictures of Jason and Danny to send to the group chat. He chose the selfie, where he was grinning into the camera as Jason fell on his ass as Danny pulled up a long section of thorns.

Duke gets nailed in the face with two clumps of grass from his disgruntled brothers.

"I believe it is time for a shower." Alfred Pennyworth smiled, content. Days like these made him glad that his grandchildren found their way back.

[borntolatetohaveaname]

alfred pennyworth really is just HIM like no one else in dc does it like he does it

man was a spy banged the queen of england and raised bruce wayne. he single handedly keep the bat family functioning half of the time and mf still a think they can step up to him and try to tell him what to do

(I'm aware that he is currently dead but it's dc so really how long is that going to last?)

[ao3feed-brucewayne]

Ill Meet Judgement by the Hounds

by UnderEarth (CryptidKeeper) Gotham is just a city. She has no mind, no soul, no body with which to reach out for her children. But in a split-second flash of time, she is as real as a mother clutching her child, only long enough to let him go. Timothy Drake’s heart stops in the deserts of Iran, surrounded by the bodies of the only connections to his humanity that he still had. It beats again on the corner of 53rd and Oxford, Gotham City, New Jersey. Or, Tim's many emotions as he re-learns what it's like to have a home. Words: 1081, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Batman - All Media Types Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: Gen Characters: Tim Drake, Bruce Wayne, Jason Todd, Dick Grayson, Damian Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth Relationships: Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Jason Todd, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson, Tim Drake & Damian Wayne Additional Tags: Tim Drake-centric, Tim Drake Needs a Break, Tim Drake and Jason Todd are Siblings, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dimension Travel, Sentient Gotham City, but only like a little bit, Bruce Wayne Tries to Be a Good Parent, Unreliable Narrator, do NOT trust anything this mf says, Good Sibling Jason Todd, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Angst, Tim Drake Whump, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Not Beta Read via https://ift.tt/7Mu2rGS

[teaspoonofdread]

the Goth Ham Writers have the perfect opportunity to start the next season with ivy hijacking the ambulance (bonus: fight scene with alfred) and taking selina away to heal her herself like she did in s3, badmouthing bruce for not preventing selina from being hurt and finding and decking jeremiah just before he can, all the while spreading super seeds all around gotham, but they're fools and won't take it. In this essay I will-

[necro-maxing]

"Master Bruce," Alfred says, knuckles tapping on the door to the study before pushing the door open. He finds Bruce hunched over a pile of papers; a small mountain of new requests from various corporate entities that want his- or rather, Wayne Industries, assistance in their future plans. "I'm about to start dinner. Any news as to which of your small army of children will be attending?"

"Just a minute Alfred," Bruce replies, eyes focused like tiny lasers on the paper between his hands. "I haven't had the chance to check." Bruce admits, despite his phone laying directly beside him and the stack of denied papers. Typically, this would be a job for any of the handful of assistants at Wayne Industries itself, however in light of recent events involving one Pamela Isley and and act of extremely violent eco-terrorism, he'd decided to take future approvals into his own hands for the time being.

"With all due respect, sir, I need that information lest I waste food in preparing things not suitable for certain mouths. I've already begun preparing Master Damian's meal, but last I checked Miss Stephanie was allergic to tofu. Unless, of course, you mean to allow me to cross-contaminate meals?" At that, Bruce lifts his head from the paper and meets Alfred's gaze for a moment before reaching over to grab his phone.

Displayed on the screen, he finds a handful of corresponding answers.

"Dick, Duke, Barbara, and Stephanie aren't coming tonight, something about trying a new hotpot place in town instead. Tim and Cassandra are on their way, and there's still no answer from Jason." Bruce says calmly, looking away from the screen and back to Alfred.

"Very well, sir. I'll begin the preparations immediately. Anything in particular you'd like me to avoid this evening for yours?" Alfred asks, hovering by the door as he awaits an answer.

"... Meat, if you wouldn't mind?" Bruce finally says, stomach churning slightly at the concept of any meat in his food for the evening. Though he isn't the first person in the manor to have a strange relationship with food, he certainly still feels a twinge of guilt at requesting Alfred make yet another exclusion when he would already be fighting tooth and nail to make them for the kids. "And if you would, make sure that Jason has a plate? You know, just in case he decides to drop by."

"Certainly, Master Bruce. It wouldn't be a family dinner without him showing up on the tail end of the night, now would it?" The two exchanged glances, fond smiles crossing their faces before Alfred started out of the study. "Dinner will be ready in about an hour. Do make sure you keep an eye on the time, lest I send your youngest in with a distinctly "Bruce-Wayne-Kidnapping" sized trashbag and a dream."

"Understood, Alfred. I'll be on time, you have my word."

Nobody can convince me Alfred isn't a master at making sure everyone that eats dinner at the manor has a full meal of whatever food they can tolerate like? He helped raised Bruce and helped in raising some of the batkids, and I personally headcanon Bruce and several of the batkids are some version of neurodivergent or autistic, so this man will spend all day making a comprehensive list of who is attending dinner that night and who might just drop by unannounced after denying they'll come (looking at you, Jason) so that he can make food everyone likes and that won't disturb anyone's safe foods. It creates a lot of extra dishes, but he doesn't mind, because this gaggle of idiots is as much his family as it is Bruce's.

[mikeluciraphgabe]

Battinson!Alfred being framed for being Batman by twitter

He has access to money, bc, well, Bruce so the suit/bat mobile is explained

Bruce totally knows about it and helps him bc Alfred raised the mf and Bruce is just like “might as well make sure my 2nd dad doesn’t die”

Could basically get away with the “why does Batman show up after Bruce disappears” by getting the argument “the man is protecting his ward, obviously”

Yes he’s on the older side, but very healthy and has the same body-build as Batman’s suit (from rare pictures of Alfred doing something like grocery shopping idk)

“But who cleans Batman up after a fight? Alfred was a war medic, sure, but what if he’s OUT?” Bruce was going to be a doctor.

“He dropped out”

He has the basic anatomy down, probably knows basic first aid, and can learn as they go along. “He’s rich guys. Who knows what the rich knows about weird shit like that🙄🙄”

“Batmans eyes are blue and this Alfred dude has grey” “stfu linda. contacts are a thing”

“He has a mustache-“ “WE LIVE IN 2022??? MY MAN CAN JUST THROW ONE ON??”

The argument of Alfred being old comes back up a few times, arguing just because he’s in good shape doesn’t mean he has the ability to be Batman

“Guys, Bruce, his ward, is a MULTIBILLIONAIRE. And has a background field of science. Captain America that bullshit” (canonning Marvel is a thing there for this reason only)

Alfred has a background of Military so the man knows how to fight

Alfred is covered in scars (bc of military) and they all just happen to fall in a place where Batman has gotten seriously hit.

Why didn’t he start sooner?? He had to raise Bruce, duh. (Went to extra training while Bruce was at college)

They bring this up with Bruce on the rare occasion Bruce is out of the Manor (this man doesn’t use social media lets be honest here. He probably would have never known about this if it wasn’t for the runin)

“MR. WAYNE! MR. WAYNE! IS YOUR BUTLER THE BATMAN?”

Bruce stands there, soaked to the bones like a sick kitten as always, shuffling awkwardly and makes the confusedest noise ever. “What?”

“Your butler! Alfred Pennyworth! Is he the Batman?”

Alfred, spawning from thin air and has been up to date with all of this because it’s Alfred, drags Bruce away while trying not to laugh hysterically.

[snapiphany]

Batman: Gotham Knights, Vol. 1, #13

[frownyalfred]

this is SUCH a funny panel with zero context

[bruciemilf]

I love your idea of Martha and Thomas bring separated in death out of bitterness and spitefulness of both families but I have this idea of Thomas and Martha not being separated because Alfred would have threatened both the Kanes and the Waynes with his shotgun and everyone knew Alfred wasn’t a person that could easily reasoned with when it came to his family

I hear you, and both have such delicous potential for angst, and while I’m sure Alfred would rather eat thunder and spit lighting than give Bruce over, how fucked up would it be if Martha’s brother made him choose?

“Give me my sister, and you keep the boy.”

A ghost for a corpse seems even.

Philip already terminated his custody rights, — it’s the easiest choice he ever made; it’s the hardest choice he ever made, — so he has no say. Only calls Jacob a fucked up son of a bitch, and he can see their mother in him.

It’s not often Alfred loses, but when it happens, it’s fateful, and it’s definitive, and it’s never, never well for the other person. He can’t win, because there’s no winner.

Imagine Bruce, young and scarred and sleepless with grief, staying wide awake. He’s not haunted by his parents’ graves; He’s haunted by the fact they’re empty.

[eastwardbound7]

May I present…

Bat People and the songs I associate with them

[For no valid reason other than I just do]

(Too make it harder on my sleepy mind I can only use an artist once *with an exception)

Bruce Wayne

The Chain - Fleetwood Mac

Dinner and Diatribes - Hoizer

Oblivion - Grimes

No Church in the Wild - Jay Z and Kanye West

Alfred Pennyworth

Before I Let Go - Maze and Frankie Beverly

Every Little Step - Bobby Brown

Dick Grayson

A Boy is a Gun - Tyler the Creator

MICHUUL. - DUCKWRTH

FourFiveSeconds - Rihanna, Kanye West, and Paul McCartney*

Country Girl (Shake it for Me) - Luke Bryan

Barbara Gordon

Hayloft II - Mother Mother

No Role Modelz - J. Cole

White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes

No Scrubs - TLC

Jason Todd

One Beer - MF Doom

Who Dat Boy - Tyler the Creator

C.R.E.A.M. - Wu-Tang Clan

1812: Overture

Purple Lamborghini - Yeah that song from the 2016 Suicide Squad for a certain character by Skrillex and Rick Ross

Tim Drake

The Mind Electric - Tally Hall

Down Bad - Dreamville

The Spins - Mac Miller

You’re Gonna Go Far Kid - The Offspring

Funny Thing - Thundercat

Cassandra Cain

Pretty Wings - Maxwell

Comics - Caravan Palace

Ian Ryoku - SAKEROCK

Mr. Trance - Esteman

Stephanie Brown

Jenny From The Block - Jennifer Lopez

Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea - Fallout Boy

Cheryl - Yung Gravy

We Will Rock You - Queen

Damian Wayne

IV. Sweatpants - Childish Gambino

I Bet on Losing Dogs - Mitski

Youth - Glass Animals

Who Let the Dogs Out - Baha Men

Duke Thomas

DNA. - Kendrick Lamar

Family Affair - Mary J. Blige

What’s Up Danger - Blackway and Black Caviar

No More ?’s - Eazy-E

Check the Rhime - A Tribe Called Quest

I bet you can’t guess what genre of music I’ve been super into lately

[sir-paddington]

how would alfred know superman or green lantern was coming

[ao3feed-brucewayne]

Ill Meet Judgement by the Hounds

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/7Mu2rGS by UnderEarth (CryptidKeeper) Gotham is just a city. She has no mind, no soul, no body with which to reach out for her children. But in a split-second flash of time, she is as real as a mother clutching her child, only long enough to let him go. Timothy Drake’s heart stops in the deserts of Iran, surrounded by the bodies of the only connections to his humanity that he still had. It beats again on the corner of 53rd and Oxford, Gotham City, New Jersey. Or, Tim's many emotions as he re-learns what it's like to have a home. Words: 1081, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Batman - All Media Types Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: Gen Characters: Tim Drake, Bruce Wayne, Jason Todd, Dick Grayson, Damian Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth Relationships: Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Jason Todd, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson, Tim Drake & Damian Wayne Additional Tags: Tim Drake-centric, Tim Drake Needs a Break, Tim Drake and Jason Todd are Siblings, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dimension Travel, Sentient Gotham City, but only like a little bit, Bruce Wayne Tries to Be a Good Parent, Unreliable Narrator, do NOT trust anything this mf says, Good Sibling Jason Todd, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Angst, Tim Drake Whump, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Not Beta Read read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/7Mu2rGS