#ANYWAY IT FUCKED ME UP WTF MAN
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My friend got me to watch Our Flag Means Death and Iām still thinking about the fact that after his wife tried to murder Him, Stedeās question wasnāt āoh my god why are you trying to murder me!?ā It was just āWhy are you trying to murder me with a *skewer!?* Kill me with something better, like a gun!ā And itās so funny-
#our flag means death#stede bonnet#mary bonnet#I feel like i should apologize for not watching this show sooner lol#my first time hearing about it was in 2021 when I thought it was a weird popular TMA au?#and when I found out it wasnāt I for some reason refused to watch it I think because tumblr kept showing it to me too often#ANYWAY IT FUCKED ME UP WTF MAN#I *NEED* SEASON 2 NOW WTF???#STEDE WHY DID YOU LEAVE HIM???
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Man EVER really cut corners on Caleb's rebuild because like... even modern day prosthetics have sensory capabilities to help with relearning the use of your limb again and preventing phantom pains.
EVER really said specifically, I know it's the super future with magic and high technological advancements... but fuck you Caleb, not a single bit of sensory input from your prosthetic, except for pain.
Edit: actually I am thinking about it more and if it's not just PG not knowing how prosthesis work. Then EVER basically built something that Caleb cannot receive sensory feedback through, so he's essentially just. Able to use it through the brain sensors or muscle nerve endings, but is fully incapable or receiving feedback. Which means.
They've handed him a sword, to make it easier to destroy or kill or harm, with no acknowledgement for the humanity of it.
In reality he'd probably struggle to cook without a HUGE learning curve of having to WATCH for what his arm is doing, to relearn how much pressure to input.
Killing becomes easy, harm becomes easy, becoming readjusted to his LIFE? That becomes far harder. EVER gave this man the realignment of his life, because they wanted a weapon not a person.
#love and deepspace#wonder plays#Caleb#man fuck ever specifically#anyway it's probably a control mechanism because if using your prosthetic was only ever painful you'd hate it much more#just lil random bits of info from a wee lil brit#ALSO I WOKE IP RANDOMLY AT 3AM EXCUSE ME BRAIN WTF#BUT I WOKE UP RANDOMLY THEN THE TRAILER DROPPED#like ok ... I see#you knew#stupid brain#IM GOING BACK TO BED TO STOP INFO DUMPING
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as hyped as i am for P3, iām so scared that the fandom will sideline and ignore Clara even more than she already has been
#i really hope she has a big role in p3#like maybe sheās fully aware of daniil fucking with time#after all she knew about thrush and measly when artemy had no idea#so she has lines about that when daniil talks to her#and sheās like ābro wtf are you doingā#and doesnāt daniil have that plague finder thing?#imagine how cool it would be if when he pointed it at her she showed up all infected#since sheās the plague and whatnot#if thatās still even the remake games#i hope it is#i donāt see why they would have changed it#but iām fully prepared for her to be ignored in favor of burakhovsky#which donāt get me wrong i like the ship#but the daniil-clara dynamic is SO GOOD#he is trying to defeat death and she IS DEATH#basically death anyway#LIKE THE POTENTIAL PEOPLE#man fighting death goes from fighting it to nurturing it#i love dadkovsky with clara so much#anyway rant over#pathologic#pathologic 2#pathologic 3#i canāt believe iām alive to see that tag holy shit#i really am so hyped#daniil dankovsky#the bachelor#clara saburova#clara the changeling#daniil pathologic
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I am exhausted, good heavens.
#hey watch this neat trick I can do [cries]#love that for me#BUT#BUT- the actual EFFORT I put these days to not make a suicide jokes is *chefs kiss* phenomenal#actively shitting bricks as I physically have to stop myself from saying I want a car to hit me for the 50th time that day#I am not progressing any more than I am downgressing or whatever the opposite word is. but girlies#and boysies and peepsies#my lipgloss is popping and my eyebags are gucci- and so I shall prevail#MAN this tiredness is BONE DEEP man- it's like it's engraved into my goddamn clavicles#sorry that was like the only bone name I could remember- I don't even know what a clavicle is#anyways- I need to fall asleep forever and never wake up. But not in like a dying way#I just need to stop waking up tired and being tired and going to sleep tired and living tired like GIRL#WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN SLEEP STOPS SLEEPING#I JUST SLEPT 10 HOURS HOW ARE YOU STILL TIRED#I am so tired that i stopped liking shit- like that SUCKS my dudes#I sometimes Don't Like art now and that is WILD to me because that was lowkey the One Thing that got me going#I used to actually LIKE english class! and reading Shakespear and shit!!!! and history class!! Now I don't!! Where did the spark go??????#Now everything feels like a chooooooore and it sucks major dick#and my graaaades are slipping because I stopped giving a damn but I NEED. TO. GIVE. A. DAMN#because those are like highkey lowkey and every-other-key my grades and I need them to go into uni so I don't die <333#I need to spite little mini me who said I wasn't going to live past 13 because BITCH- guess how old I'm turning next week????????#THAT'S RIGHT- 17 YEARS OLD- FUCK YEAH BABY I'M STILL NOT DEAD#SUCK MY BIG ASS SHLONG MINI-ME#and then I have a big biology exam the day after so- funnnnn!!#anywho- should I tag this as vent? this probably counts as vent right? like among us? impostor and shit?#sorry I think my brain is actively rotting out of my ears right now#vent post#personal vent#tw vent#tw sui talk
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Spider-Man India, but... where from India?
A SUPER long post featuring talks of: cultural identity, characterisation, the caste system, and what makes Spider-Man Spider-Man.
Iām prefacing this by saying that I am a second-generation immigrant. I was born in Australia, but my cultural background is from South India. My experiences with what it means to be āIndianā is going to be very different from the experiences of those who are born and brought up in India.
If you, reader, want to add anything, please reblog and add your thoughts. This is meant to be a post open for discussion ā the more interaction we get, the better we become aware of these nuances.
So I made this poll asking folks to pick a region of India where I would draw Pavitr Prabhakar in their cultural wear. This idea had been on my mind for a long while now, as I had been inspired by Annie Hazarikaās Northeastern Spidey artwork in the wake of ATSVās release, but never got the time to actually do it until now. I wanted to get a little interactive and made the poll so I could have people choose which of the different regions ā North, Northeast, Central, East, West, South ā to do first.
The outcome was not what I expected. As you can see, out of 83 votes:
THE RESULTS
South India takes up almost half of all votes (44.6%), followed by Northeast and Central (both 14.5%) and then East (13.3%). In all my life growing up, support towards or even just the awareness of South India was pretty low. Despite this being a very contained poll, why would nearly half of all voters pick South India in favour of other popular choices like Central or North India?
Then I thought about the layout of the poll: Title, Options, Context.
Title: "Tell us who you want to seeā¦"
Options: North, Northeast, Central, East, West, South
Context: I want to make art of the boy again
At first I thought: ah geez. this is my fault. I didn't make the poll clear enough. do they think I want them to figure out where Pavitr came from? That's not what I wanted, maybe I should have added the context before the options.
Then I thought: ah geez. is it my fault for people not reading the entire damn thing before clicking a button? That's pretty stupid.
But regardless, the thought did prompt a line of thinking I know many of us desi folk have been considering since Spider-Man India was first conceived ā or, at least, since the announcement that he was going to appear in ATSV. Hell, even I thought of it:
Where did Spider-Man India come from?
FROM A CULTURALLY DIVERSE INDIA
As we know, India is so culturally diverse, and no doubt ATSV creators had to take that into account. Because the ORIGINAL Spider-Man India came from Mumbai ā most likely because Mumbai and Manhattan both started with the same letter.
But going beyond that, itās also because Mumbai is one of the most recognisable cities in India - itās also known as Bombay. Itās where Bollywood films are shot. Itās where superstar Hindi actors and actresses show up. Mumbai is synonymous with India in that regard, because the easiest way Western countries can interact with Indian culture is through BOLLYWOOD, through HINDI FILMS, through MUMBAI. Suddenly, India is Mumbai, India is a Hindi-only country, India is just this isolated thing we see through an infinitely narrow lens.
Weāve gotten a little better in recent years, but boy I will tell you how uncomfortable Iāve gotten when people (yes, even desi people) come up to me and tell me, Oh, youāre Indian right? Can you speak Hindi? Why donāt you speak Hindi? Youāre not Indian if you donāt speak Hindi, thatās Indiaās national language!
I have been ā still am ā so afraid of telling people that I donāt speak Hindi, that Iām Tamil, that I donāt care that Hindi is Indiaās ānationalā language (itās an administrative language, Kavin, get your fucking facts right). Itās weird, itās isolating, and it has made me feel like I wasnāt āIndianā enough to be accepted into the group of āIndianā people.
So I am thankful that ATSV went out of their way to integrate as much variety of Indian culture into the Mumbattan sequence. Maybe that way, the younger generation of desi folk wonāt feel so isolated, and that younger Western people will be more open to learning about all these cultural differences within such a vast country.
BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SPIDER-MAN INDIA?
Everything, actually. Thereās a thing called supremacy. You might have heard of it. We all engaged with it at some point, and if you are Indian, no matter where you live, it is inescapable.
It happens the moment you are born ā who your family is, where you are born, the language you speak, the colour of your skin; these will be bound to you for life, and it is nigh impossible to break down the stereotypes associated with them.
Certain ethnic groups will be more favourable than others (Centrals, and thus their cultures, will always be favoured over than Souths, as an example) and the same can be said for social groups (Brahmins are more likely to secure influential roles in politics or other areas like priesthood, while the lowers castes, especially Dalits, arenāt even given the decency of respect). Donāt even get me started on colourism, where obviously those of fairer skin will win the lottery while those of darker skin arenāt given the time of day. Itās even worse when morality ties into it ā ālighter skinned Indians, like Brahmins, embody good qualities like justice and wisdomā, ādark skinned Indians are cunning and poor, they are untrustworthyā. Itās fucking nuts.
This means, of course, you have a billion people trying to make themselves heard in a system that tries to crush everyone who is not privileged. It only makes sense that people want to elevate themselves and break free from a society that refuses to acknowledge them. These frustrations manifest outwardly, like in protests, but other times ā most times ā it goes unheard, quietly shaping your way of life, your way of thinking. It becomes a fundamental part of you, and it can go unacknowledged for generations.
So when you have a character like Pavitr Prabhakar enter the scene, people immediately latch onto him and start asking questions many Western audiences donāt even consider. Who is he? What food does he eat? What does he do on Fridays? Whatās his family like, his community? All these questions pop up, because, amidst all this turmoil going on in the background, you want a mainstream popular character to be like you, who knows your way of life so intimately, that he may as well be a part of your community.
BUT THAT'S THE THING ā HE'S FICTIONAL
I am guilty of this. In fact, Iāve flaunted in numerous posts how I think heās the perfect Tamil boy, how he dances bharatanatyam, how he does all these Tamil things that no one will understand except myself. All these niche things that only I, and maybe a few others, will understand.
Iāve seen other people do it, too. Iāve seen people geek out over his dark brown skin, his kalari dhoti, how he fights so effortlessly in the kalaripayattu martial arts style. Iāve seen people write him as Malayali, as Hindi, as every kind of Indian person imaginable.
Iāve also seen him be written where heās subjected to typical Indian and broader Asian stereotypes. You know the ones Iām so fond of calling out. The thing is, Iāve seen so much of Pavitr being presented in so many different ways, and I worry how the rest of the desi folk will take it.Ā
You finally have a character who could be you, but now heās someone elseās plaything. Your entire life is shaped by what you can and canāt do simply because you were born to an Indian family, and hereās the one person who could represent you now at the mercy of someone elseās whims. Heās off living a life that is so distant from yours, you can hardly recognise him.
It shouldnāt hurt as much as it does, yeah? But, again, youāre looking at it from that infinitely narrow lens Westerners use to look at India from Bollywood.
AND PAVITR PRABHAKAR DOESN'T LIVE IN INDIA
He lives in Mumbattan. He lives in a made-up, fictional world that doesnāt follow the way of life of our world. He lives in a city where Mumbai and Manhattan got fucking squashed together. There are so many memes about colonialism right there. Mumbattan isnāt real! Spider-Man India isnāt real!! Heās just a dude!! The logic of our world doesnāt apply to him!!!
āBut his surname originates from ______ā okay but does that matter?
āBut heās wearing a kalari dhoti so surely heās ______ā okay but does that matter?
āBut his skin colour is darker so he must be ______ā okay but does that matter?
āBut he lives in Mumbai so he must be ______ā okay but does that matter?
I sound insensitive and brash and annoying and it looks like Iām yapping just for the sake of riling you up, so direct that little burst of anger you got there at me, and keep reading.
Listen. Iām going to ask you a question that Iāve asked myself a million times over. I want you to answer honestly. I want you to ask this question to yourself and answer honestly:
Are you trying to convince me on who Pavitr Prabhakar should be?
... but why shouldn't i?
Iāll tell you this again ā I did the same thing. Youāre not at fault for this, but I want you to just...have a little think over. Just a little moment of self-reflection, to think about why you are so intent on boxing this guy.
It took me a while to reorganise my thinking and how to best approach a character like Pavitr, so I will give you all the time you need as well as a little springboard to focus your thoughts on.
SPIDER-MAN (INDIA) IS JUST A MASK
āWhat I like about the costume is that anybody reading Spider-Man in any part of the world can imagine that they themselves are under the costume. And thatās a good thing.ā
Stan Lee said that. Remember how he was so intent on making sure that everybody got the idea that Spider-Man as an entity is fundamentally broken without Peter Parker there to put on the suit and save the day? That ultimately it was the person beneath the mask, no matter who they were, that mattered most?
Spider-Man India is no less different. You can argue with me that Peter Parker!Spidey is supposed to represent working class struggles in the face of leering corporate entities who endanger the regular folk like us, and so Pavitr Prabhakar should also function the same way. Pavitr should also be a working class guy of this specific social standing fighting people of this other social standing.
But that takes away the authenticity of Spider-Man India. Looking at him through the Peter Parker lens forces you to look at him through the Western lens, and it significantly lessens what you can do with the character ā suddenly, itās a fight to be heard, to be seen, to be recognised. Itās yelling over each other that Pavitr Prabhakar is this ethnicity, is that caste, this or that, this or that, this or that.
Thereās a reason why heās called Spider-Man India, infuriatingly vague as it is. And thatās the point ā the vagueness of his identity fulfils Leeās purpose for a character that could theoretically be embodied by anyone. If he had been called āSpider-Man Mumbaiā, you cut out a majority of the population (and in capitalist terms, you cut out a good chunk of the market).
And in the case of Spider-Man India? Whew ā youāve got about a billion people imagining a billion different versions of him.
Whoever you are, whatever you see in Pavitr, that is what is personal to you, and there is nothing wrong with that, and I will not fault you for it. I will not fault you for saying Pavitr is from Central due to the origins of his last name. I also will not fault you for saying Pavitr is from South due to him practising kalaripayattu. I also will not fault you for saying he is not Hindu. I also will not fault you for saying he is a particular ethnicity without any proof.
What I will fault you for is trying to convince me and the others around you that Pavitr Prabhakar should be this particular ethnicity/have this cultural background because of some specific reason. I literally donāt care and it is fundamentally going against his character, going against the āanyone can wear the maskā sentiment of Spider-Man. By doing this, you are strengthening the walls that first divided us. Youāre feeding the stratification and segmentation of our cultures ā something that is actually not present in the fictional world of Mumbattan.
Like I said before: Mumbattan isnāt real, so the divides between ethnicities and cultural backgrounds are practically nonexistent. The best thing is that it is visually there for all to see. My favourite piece of evidence is this:
Itās a marquee for a cinema in the Mumbattan sequence, in the āQuick tour: this is where the traffic isā section. It has four titles; the first two are written in Hindi. The third title is written in Bengali*, and the fourth title is written in Tamil. You go to Mumbai and you wonāt see a single shred of Bengali nor Tamil there, much less any other language that's not common in Maharashtra (Western India). Seeing this for the first time, you know what went through my head?
Wow, the numerous cultures of India are so intermingled here in Mumbattan! Everyone and everything is welcome!
I was happy, not just because of Tamil representation, but because of the fact that the plethora of Indian cultures are showcased coexisting in such a short sequence. This is India embracing all the little parts that make up its grander identity. This scene literally opened my eyes seeing such beauty in all the diverse cultures thriving together. In a place where language and cultural backgrounds blend so easily, each one complementing one another.
It is so easy to believe that, from this colourful palette of a setting, Pavitr Prabhakar truly is Spider-Man India, no matter where he comes from.
Itās easy to believe that Pavitr can come from any part of India, and I wonāt call you out if the origin you have for him is different from the origin I have. You donāt need to stake out territory and stand your ground ā youāre entitled to that opinion, and I respect it. In fact, I encourage it!!!
Because thereās only so much you can show in a ten minute segment of a film about a country that has such a vast history and even greater number of cultures. I want to see all of it ā I want him to be a Malayali boy, a Hindi boy, a Bengali boy, a Telugu boy, an Urdu boy, whatever!! I want you to write him or draw him immersed in your culture, so that I can see the beauty of your background, the wonderful little things that make your culture unique and different from mine!
And, as many friends have said, itās so common for Indian folks to be migrating around within our own country. A person with a Maharashtrian surname might end up living in Punjab, and no one really minds that. Iām actually from Karnataka, my family speaks Kannada, but somewhere down the line my ancestors moved to Tamil Nadu and settled down and lived very fulfilling lives. So I donāt actually have the āpure Tamilā upbringing, contrary to popular belief; Iāve gotten a mix of both Kannada and Tamil lifestyles, and itās made my life that much richer.Ā
So itās common for people to ānotā look like their surname, if thatās what youāre really afraid about. In fact, it just adds to that layer of nuance, that even despite these rigid identities between ethnicities we as Indian people still intermingle with one another, bringing slivers of our cultures to share with others. Pavitr could just as well have been born in one state and moved around the country, and he happens to live in Mumbattan now. Itās entirely possible and thereās nothing to disprove that.
We donāt need to clamber over one another declaring that only one ethnicity is the ārightā ethnicity, because, again, you will be looking at Pavitr and the rest of India in that narrow Western lens ā a country with such rich cultural variety reduced to a homogenous restrictive way of life.
THE POLL: REINTERPRETED
This whole thing started because I was wondering why my little poll was so skewed ā I thought people assumed I was asking them where he came from, then paired his physical appearance with the most logical options available. I thought it was my fault, that I had somehow influenced this outcome without knowing.
Truth is, I will never really know. But I will be thankful for it, because it gave me the opportunity to finally broach this topic, something that many of us desi folk are hesitant to talk about. I hope you have learned something from this, whether you are desi or a casual Spider-Man fan or someone who just so happened to stumble upon this.Ā
So justā¦be a little more open. Recognise that India, like many many countries and nations, is made up of a plethora of smaller cultures. And remember, if youāre trying to convince Pavitr that heās a particular ethnicity, heās going to wave his hand at you and say, āHa, me? No, Iām one of the people that live here in the best Indian city! Iām Spider-Man India, dost!ā
(Regardless, he still considers you a friend, because to him, the people matter more to him than you trying to box him into something heās not.)
*Note: thank you dear anon for letting me know that the third title was Bengali, twas my mistake for literally completely forgetting
#long post + more tags that kinda spiral away BUT expand on the points above AND kinda puts everything together concisely#BROS THIS IS AN HONEST TO GOD ESSAY#THAT HAS BEEN COOKING IN MY HEART FOR A WHILE NOW. SIMMERING FOR MONTHS BEFORE FINALLY BOILING OVER IN THE LAST WEEK#genuinely hope you read MOST of it because yes it has Quite A Lot Of Exposition but it all matters nonetheless#put in a lot of thought into this so i expect you to do your part and challenge your thoughts as well#you see how i'm not asking for you to listen to me. but to actually Think. i want you to cook your thoughts and add some spice and flavour#and give it a good mix so you can come out of this a little more wiser than before#because!!! yeah!!!! spider man india is just that!! he's indian!!!!! we don't need to collectively agree on where he comes from#bc it gets rid of that relatability factor of spider man. at the most basic level#think of it as a schrodinger's. he is every single culture and none of them at the same time. therefore none of us are wrong!! sick!!!!#pavitr's first priority is making sure HIS PEOPLE are safe. that's probably as far as we can go that relates him back to peter parker spide#he loves his people and working in the name of justice to FIGHT for HIS PEOPLE is just the duty/responsibility he takes up#it makes sense that he loves everyone and every culture he engages with bc that's the nature of spider man i suppose#if peter parker spidey acts as the guardian for the regular folk.. then in my mind pavitr spidey stands as the bridge uniting the people#because society as its core is very fragmented. and having pavitr act as a connection to other folks.... mmmmm beautiful#that's what i'm talking abouttttt !!!#anyways guys this is literally 3001 words on my document EXCLUDING THE TITLE. THAT'S 7 PAGES AT 11pt FONT. i'm literally cryingggg wtf#pavitr prabhakar#spider man#spider man india#desi#desiblr#atsv#across the spiderverse#atsv pavitr#indian culture#india#desi tumblr#what the fuck do i tag this as#agnirambles
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šš
#had one of those hyper realistic dreams where it feels more real than irl and for once there was a blorbo of mine in it#and it was super chill me and a friend group (dont know these people but in this world we knew each other since hs) were going bar hopping#and blorbo was acting kinda weird since he changed his look up#friend pulled me to the side and said the dudes trying to impress me and thinks its not working thats why hes been mopey#my brain: wtf man?? no one has to do that to win points for me#anyway we get to a bar and blorbo goes to a different table since were a group of 15#and hes taking off his jacket and i whistle at him and hit him with a HEY!#he looks up kinda shocked and I gesture at his jacket and yell#IF YOU TAKE THAT DAMN THING OFF I'LL KILL YA#and throw him a big grin and wink#he just fucking blushes and grins while putting the coat back on like he won the lottery#like YAY THEY NOTICED ME!!!!!#and i get up and go sit with him and tell him i know he changed up to get my attention and that was dumb#and he's like why??#āman I'm simple just throw a bird mating call at me and I'm yours.ā#fucking wake up right when he cracks the fuck up#dumb rant but damn it that was fun wholesome stuff i want to go back to that universe#other pink variant#non magenta post
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Today was the first day in my life a man my age showed interest in me and gave me his number.
#Today is also the first day I have liked a man#what the FUCK#he was so cute though#kinda edgy#but likeeeee#he came up to me and asked what I was drawing#recognized Sal fisher#started talking to me about horror movies#and we just talked for like an hour and a half#then I left#went back to the page I was working on#THERES HIS NUMBER#WITH A HEART#WTF#Anyways idk if Iām gonna text him but he was really cute#and he had an eyebrow piercing that he did himself#Like go you man#Iām too much of a scaredy cat to do that
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being friends with straight women is nothing short of soul crashing at times
#WHY ARE YOU SO DESPERATE FOR A MAN#have some self respect jesus girl. no texting him 'happy birthday' does NOT show him you're over him. it shows him the exact opposite.#and NO i dont think immediately getting into a new relationship with a guy after a break up#(which was a relationship she got into immediately after the break up before this one)#is a good idea. i think its terrible idea. i think you're starting a pattern that's going to be life-ruining for you. that's what i think#but what the fuck do i know š¤”#anyway im so tired of this. if you're gonna ask for my opinion then dont get mad at me for giving it like wtf#insinuating im a bad friend for not enabling your delulu is fucking wild
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apparently we're not out of the woods on holiday trauma responses just yet - i'm hoping we're on the tail end of it but like. good lord.
#this post brought to you by#dissociating so hard i had to quit playing magic#it wasn't that far into the game and i don't know wtf is going on with this but like. christ.#i'm so tired of having to come down from huge crying jags and panic and the fear of my mother coming to Get Me for not being Good Enough#like#what the fuck man#i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this#i thought i was DONE with the goo stage what do you MEAN there's more#cofronting has at least been less chaotic with only a couple people manning the helm at any given time#but like....christ alive can i just like. i don't know#how do you ask for vacation days off from your own brain? cause i'm exhausted man#i'm exhausted with this shit how is this the way i gotta go through life every day#like i could quit food service when i felt like this - and i did#but like. you can't opt out of your shifts in brain because that's where you live y'know?#ugh. i'm...something is wrong and i don't know what i did to fuck up this time but i don't like this#phrasing intentional to mean ''i have done an activity or action that has caused some sort of disruption in my brain that has made things#more difficult for myself due to brain chemistry and it has been relatively recently''#i don't think it's the meds i'm fairly certain it's the mental illness i already know about and am aware of it's just kicking up a fuss#because i don't enjoy this time of year and i won't start being Cool about things until january starts up properly#and there's always the risk it'll continue on through that due to other circumstances but i'm really hoping it'll just calm down#because the Threat of Christmas Celebration isn't imminent#(we *very* rarely celebrated past couchweek and that was usually involving a lot of travel so once january is here and Festivities die down#i'll start hopefully feeling more like a coherent person and not just a miserable ball of trauma)#anyway. i'm...gonna wait for dinner to be done and i can eat that and then maybe i schedule some i do not exist time to myself where#i just am in my room making no noise and pretending i don't exist but like it's a positive thing and not a negative one#because if i don't exist my ribs can't hurt and also the trauma can't gets me#(this is mostly a joke don't worry about it too much i rarely actually request Quiet Alone Time)#normally i just sorta Acquire it and vibe#until i am reminded i have a physical form and the world can inflict forces upon me
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*shaking and crying* where is Urizen
#āmonsterfucker websiteā they cant even handle the 20ft tall grotesque demonic half of a cambion#lowkey blame VoV for that. like I love that manga to death but god did the last chapter did not help the whole-#āV is his own person/is *the other half* of vergil (and not like. one half)ā interpretation. bc then wtf was urizen for.#and tbh the game itself doesnt make it easy bc *obviously* we spend more time with V than with urizen. and then there's vergil's World of V.#and I guess its obvious both game and fans would focus more on the pretty goth bait and The Literal Best Character On All Time-#rather than mr. 1 dimentional boss fight demon but FUCK MAN now im pissed off that he is treated as unimportant-#and/or straight up forgotten that he even existed. like fuck he IS vergil's power. gone wild and without goal but he IS part of vergil#just like V is. and if V couldve āgotten his own characterā during the time he was separated then why the fuck couldnt urizen?#<- sidenote I do not like the whole āV is/got his own characterā thing. like no thats still vergil to me.#and yeah the last chapter of VoV fuck that up for me but im mainly of the opinion that-#if vergil exists. neither V nor urizen can. and vice-versa.#which imo SHOULD be the logical way but I guess nobody but me like urizen for what he is or represent. so its all about vergil and V#(who is STILL. FUCKING. VERGIL. TO ME. HNHNHNGNHN)#anyway whatever.#justice for urizen#tagging later
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The fact that this is a real line Bronwen says in the TFP fic, when right before Starscream is having a takeover monologue with some confused simping for her sprinkled in, has me rolling on the floor.
#from daydreams to text#romantic; amaryllis and energon#I need to update those tfp ship tags they're old af#BUT LIKE;;;; THE WAY HE;'S LIKE ''SHE NEEDS A PROPER SHOULDER TO CRY ON MEGATRON WHEN YOU DIE HAHAHA''#TO HER GOING ''this is fucking stupid bae'' B VDFJHBVFJBHDVBJDVFBHJ#this fic has no right to be so funny#It's honestly dumb how happy it makes me but I am here anyway vjhbbhdfvjbdv#there is so many moving parts in this it's WACK#but it's also very intriguing to me#because yeah Bronwen's got key knowledge and is now armed with future sight by now [prophetic dreams]#but also like... she is clearly a deeply flawed person#like she's loving and kind yeah- and headstrong in the face of fear#but also she's haunted by her past. She dislikes herself. She doesn't see herself as worthy or desirable#and she puts the blame of things on herself even when it's not her fault#like yeah she's the centre of a lot in the fic#and back in the day peeps would be like mArY sUe WAAAA#but even looking at this now [pre-continuation even] she is still clearly... a person#and she still can't comprehend the bots or cons just... liking her. as herself#she is so riddled with doubt and puts SO much pressure on herself#all to make sure time goes as it's supposed to#and blames herself if anyone gets hurt#i mean fuck she literally gets PROPHECY DREAMS and she still doubts her choices and moves#like stuff is going as it should. but Megs isn't up yet so she's still panicked#to the point of not sleeping at all#there's so much man I could go on a rant about this T_T baby me you did so good wtf#I hope me continuing is doing her justice because my god
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That's it. That's the tweet.
#and then i left tumblr for another month#it physically pained me when i clicked the view post from a blocked acct button just to rapid fire scroll thru the most idiotic#twit status ive ever read#god when will this man shut up#when will he drop off the face of the earth and fade into irrelevance#why am i almost daily reminded of his presence on twitter!!#i am on edtwt and breadtwt and thats it!!#wtf do eds and politics have to do w this musty dusty crackass man š#get this cracker OFF MY TIMELINE#im showing up to elon musks house w a gun#ANYWAYS#dream neg#mcyt#stupid fucking minecraft men shenanigans ugh#this twt status was a hate crime idcidc#.jpg
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Trying (and failing) to get through season 3, and it is taking So much strength
#severe lack of blorbo content for show thats made it their mission to personally ensure hes having a bad time always#way too fucking much new love interest content for a guy that JUST got introduced THAT episode#hes in every single scene please š free me š#i rewatch season 1 and im like wow this show is fucking amazing and then i play 3x01 and im like oh...nvm#sigh#i shall push through alas bc i am dedicated to my man logan echolls however i Will be skipping every veronica x pizz scene#also the dorm rooms are so comically large wtf is up with that š#anyway#the scene with logan and veronica in the food court lives rent free in my mind#tattooed on my brain#kissing him on the mouth#logan echolls#logan x veronica#veronica mars#gigi shut the fuck up about veronics mars challenge#to which i say no can do sorry. i have to think about it every minute or every day or my brain will shrivel and die
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gotta say, dissociation is a great survival mechanism and i'm absolutely fascinated every single day by psychology in general, and my own personal brain chemistry
just being an "outside observer" to my own internal struggles? so weird. so cool! love how weird the brain is and how complex the skullmeat is.
#personal#vent#see my mental health was going great until situations happened#but dissociation is protecting me from spiraling too far which is so cool!#but also i got better coping mechs and experience now#like the inspiration!#exploring leon's deep dpression again yeah?#the idea of 'what's the point in crying/panicking when it doesn't change what's out of my control?'#yes it can be toxic! crying feels good man#no bottling that shit up#but radical acceptance of the situation and acknowledging that 'yeah i can't do shit about it' is a way to deal with it#do what you can#don't hang on to what you *can't*#SO ANYWAY just that mindset of 'yeah tho wtf is the point of crying' i wanna use with leon#with leon it can be more toxic until post-vendetta ok#it feels good to be a fucking wreck *through* characters#helps process that shit#take care my tag readers <3
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So
#so I got caught up in the Ikemen game fuck me right#anyway mc in the 2nd princes route is down bad like girl get up u worse than the other one at least the other one the feeling was mutual#this ones mean like who u calling slow? š¤Ø#we lost her damn like#also there was weird story stuff and Iām like first of all u want me to think this man who has never really looked into the whole romance#thing and finds everyone annoying can do that sort of thing like idk im not buying it#Iām sorry like nothing u say will convince me he can say anything nice like it just#āwith a kind gazeā¦ā š¤Ø#what I canāt read the premium route but u can buy the epilogue if there is a god they will strike and kill the creator of the gacha game#I blame fortnight#wait š«¢š¤#u know what nvm š#ruined the fucking moment with the span of click#he couldāve just been like I get it now. end sentence end thought nothing else but sadly he must make it known he donāt fuck with this shit#u know what Iām sick of this shit#gotta see to the end but this is the last time Iām doing a recommended route.#freaky ass#like#itās either something rude or cheesy I cat I canāt anymore Iām going to kill myself#like Jesus#yo why the fuck it go from like we kissing to we doing something dirty I canāt stand it#it can fade to black#idk#like I said freaky ass wtf#ew#u know what picture u hate that one where their at the cemetery#mc looks so silly in the back smiling
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folks are on about a/b/o having ass babies but like??? Itās obviously a cloaca
#The real question is if the typical vagina havers still have two holes or if itās one for them too#anyway bring back that one speculative xenobiology post that said in one offhand sentence that a/b/o verse folks have six biological sexes#instead of 2 with 3 additional filters#the trans scene in a/b/o must be off the fucking charts#Once read a story where a character was revealed to only be half human#and the other half had a/b/o#and just. The fucking gender character arc on this guy.#went from āim an intersex trans manā to āwtf Iām an alienā to āIām a cis omega male?????ā to āhey actually fuck this. Give me hormonesā#I think he ended up trans beta or something? Idk the fic was unfinished and this was a goddamn century ago#anyways the premise is fascinating#what was I talking about?#Oh right. Human cloaca#hm. Maybe I shouldnāt post this actually#I type with full intention of hitting that post button#at this point the psychic damage is just malicious
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