#2 me?? like it just makes me want 2 do them more.. her: dont use substances this week me immediately: starts drinking more often n taking 2
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WOW I FINALLY FINISHED THIS SET. There were a lot of things I wanted to get right for them so I took some extra time but hopefully it was worth it! The guild for this set is Cobalt Heart- a guild with focus on maritime missions, lead by (of course) guildmaster Neptune. There was no other planet I could've picked for his namesake lol. They're the guild I jokingly call the most jockish, but some moreso than others. I really do hope I did all the characters justice, but if you wanna know more about the individual members, it's under the cut as usual!
Name: Neptune
Name Origin: The planet named for the god of the ocean
Pronouns: He/him
Age: 52
Guild rank: Guildmaster
Weapon: Trident
Ethos (Power): Ocean wave (Control over water- stronger with sea water)
Flaw power is based on: Originally based on his overly relaxed go-with-the-flow nature, but since becoming a father and guildmaster he's matured, and his power grew from simple wave control to more powerful control over the ocean's water. Waves aren't always peaceful, but he's become someone who understands their power and the responsibility needed for it.
Notes: If it's unclear, the marks on his chest are meant to be top surgery tattoos, but in cool wave shapes!
Name: Triton
Name Origin: Neptune's moon, aptly named for his son
Pronouns: He/they
Age: 24
Guild rank: 4 star
Weapon: Twin sai
Ethos (Power): Ocean breath (Underwater breathing as well as other aquatic adaptions)
Flaw power is based on: His ardent wanderlust, especially in regards to the ocean. They literally cannot leave it alone despite any possible better reasoning, which is when it becomes a problem.
Notes: Was his other parent a mermaid or did they just do the fish thing on their own? The world may never know.
Name: Otrera
Name Origin: A trojan asteroid named after the queen of the Amazons
Pronouns: She/her
Age: 32
Guild rank: 5 star
Weapon: Brass knickles
Ethos (Power): Preflexes (Hightened reflexes)
Flaw power is based on: Her overly-guarded and cagey nature.
Notes: But her brass knuckles are pink so its quirky when she knocks your teeth out.
Name: Naos
Name Origin: A star whose name means "ship"
Pronouns: He/him
Age: 21
Guild rank: 3 star
Weapon: Modified crutches
Ethos (Power): Helm (He can change the direction of inanimate objects. It's not limited to projectiles, he can change the direction of objects while they're in someone's hand too.)
Flaw power is based on: His avoidant tenancies, especially where more serious responsibility is concerned.
Notes: Honestly? Joined the guild to boost his playboy status.
Name: Aitne
Name Origin: One of Jupiter's moons, named after the personification of Mount Etna, a stratovolcano
Pronouns: They/them
Age: 27
Guild rank: 4 star
Weapon: Spiked gauntlets and armor
Ethos (Power): Molten Core (Lava manipulation)
Flaw power is based on: Their brash and destructive nature.
Notes: Likes all their food to be charred.
Name: Ariel
Name Origin: A moon or Uranus, named after an air spirit!
Pronouns: She/her
Age: 16
Guild rank: 2 star
Weapon: Baton
Ethos (Power): Harmony (Perfect balance on anything)
Flaw power is based on: Her own difficulty maintaining emotional balance under stress
Notes: She's a gymnast! And even though I didn't make the character named "Ariel" a mermaid, you can still see a scale pattern in her leotard!
Name: Maru
Name Origin: A white dwarf whose name means "Sky." It's orbited by the planet Ahra.
Pronouns: She/her
Age: 18
Guild rank: 3 star
Weapon: Claymore sword
Ethos (Power): Sky walking (She is capable of interacting with air as if it were a tangible object, creating leverage for herself to walk and balance on as if it were solid)
Flaw power is based on: Her somewhat vain tendency to place herself above others
Notes: Complete and utterly confident she's the cooler twin
Name: Ahra
Name Origin: A exoplanet whose name means "Ocean." It orbits the star Maru.
Pronouns: She/her
Age: 18
Guild rank: 3 star
Weapon: Claymore sword
Ethos (Power): Wave riding (Creation and control of tidal waves to ride on, as if she was surfing them with no board. But she does have to be on them.)
Flaw power is based on: Her arrogance and recklessness
Notes: Completely and utterly convinced she's the cooler twin.
Name: Pipoltr/Pip
Name Origin: A star named for "a bright and beautiful butterfly."
Pronouns: Whatever really?
Age: 8
Guild rank: 1 star
Weapon: Giant lollipop
Ethos (Power): None yet!
Flaw power is based on: N/A. This doesn't mean they're flawless, but until their power develops they're really just here to go on fun little adventures.
Notes: This child hangs around with sailors all day long. The words they know....
#finn's ocs#finn's art#oc references#FINALLY POSTING THIS SET#there was a bit of a delay bc i wanted to make sure i got the crutches w naos right#i ended up not making just the crutches a weapon but like. with modifications based on a real self defense item i found#but slightly different for both fantasy reasons and also i think its patented lol#his pose is also based on a real self defense w crutches video that my friend sent me (hiiii thank you for that once more btw <3)#so like hes very much in motion here. thats not how he usually stands w the crutches lol he usually like. uses them as crutches lol#the little trigger on them is what releases and returns the blade in them btw#also as for the rest of the group! i think neptune is absolutely the most fitting of his namesake out of all the guildmasters#i mean they all have aspects of it but he's fully embraced it. despite what i said abt him growing into responsibility and all#hes still such a chill nice guy. just in general. it would take a lot to get him angry (and if you did the sea is NOT peaceful!)#and in a lot of ways triton is like how he was when he was younger. responsibilities dont matter he needs to go to the challengers deep NOW#also the reason i picked twin sai to be his weapon is bc i didnt wanna do a trident twice. even tho like thats kind of the typical motif#but sai are like. also a 3 pronged weapon. so i felt it kept the energy. but smaller and 2 of them#omg speaking of weapons i completely accidentally added a trans flag to ariel's baton design lol. but i left it in why not#i had such a hard time w her colors bc i wanted her to be flashy but also to make the leotard mermaid esque#also for it to not be too revealing. like leda (from the lunar flare set) can have an exposing leotard tutu sure but shes an adult#and i wanted to give ariel more of like an 80s home gym workouts vibe. with the legwarmers and scrunchies lol#and the twins!!! i wanted to make them samey but differeny. in a way i havent done w matching outfits before#bc the actual shapes of the clothes are very different but the colors totally match!#plus the twins are fraternal. i feel like thats obvious what w their different hair colors but there are more subtle things#like slightly different eyes. the height and weight differences arent part of that tho bc that can happen to any twins even identical#otrera i also had a lot of fun with. especially the blonde hair in an emo bang with like a pink sporty outfit#the crown logo references her namesake being a queen too!#she really was fun tho bc shes just no nonsense trusts nothing but her gut. and shes meant to be like an MMA type#aitne was also super fun but a bit tricky to make it clear that their eye is half lidded from the burns and not just like a drawing mistake#but i think i made it clear! its important bc their vision is also impaired on that side#and the burns themselves were most likely an accident on their end. remember they're brash and destructive. even to themself!
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so wait… furina is the name of the archon role that “furina” had to play
wouldn’t make more sense narrative wise to give her a name of her own?? like scara gets his own epic chapter about him ridding himself of his past and adopting a new name then proceed to ignore said name in favor of “hat guy” but the actress playing “furina” doesn’t get to be known for her own name?
like people of fontain (partly maybe) know the truth so why not let her free? let her enjoy the simple human life she so so longed for? even the other furina wouldn’t want this
#i think her story is a better use of the (give character name) mechanic that wasn’t really needed in scara’s arc imo#like yeah it’s cool and all but we literally saw him throw the actual physical manifestation of his past into the fucking void!!!#i personally think it was kind of wasted on him on top of me thinking that idea was entirely stupid to begin with and hyv keeps proving tha#no one actually refers to him as wanderer or by the name they choose online.. its just scara#thats both bad marketing and confusing burying the character away from new players#and like the amount of shit u have to go through as a new player just to name ur weird huge hat angry little dude is just..#but imagine how impactful such a mechanic would be for ‘furina’ who spent all her live acting a role she wasn’t#at the end of all that agony do u think she could endure hearing people call her by that name??#unlike scara she did that for the people every moment of those 500 years knowing that the fate of every person is mere a breakdown away#there was nothing in that for her or for a reward she thought deserved.. just suffering on her own#it just makes more sense for her to want a different name a different identity that has nothing to do with that role#and again i think that mechanic is stupid anyway but if it had to happen i’d loved it more with ‘furina’#or idk give her like a clueless friend she gets to meet that keeps calling her a different name for reasons and her liking the name or smth#maybe give her a different role she gets to play.. or have neuvillette give her a name#same with scara i think it would have been a lot better if he went by a name he choose when all his previous names were chosen for him#i dont see how the entirety of genshin writers and devs agreed to this mechanic being implemented honestly#like traveler is literally there waiting for a single soul to address them by their actual name (the one we choose) but every time it’s jus#traveler traveler.. even their most beloved companion calls them traveler#like that alone should've changed the writers minds bc such a name would 1. either not ever be used or replaced by a nickname#2. the hell devs had to go through to not allow certain phrases and names and 3. the hell both teams will suffer should they add a new char#tl;dr stupid dumb mechanic but they should still give furina a new name#genshin impact#furina#fontaine archon quest#scaramouche
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guys i havent written since may (for killer's birthday) but stupid silly swapinverse has been on my mind for a little bit and i threw together this silly (he has a panic attack and throws up) little short draft 4 swapinverse horror!!
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“hah… ah… oh god… no, no, nonono…”
he ran. sprinted through the forest like a frightened deer, his demeanor that of prey, although his previous actions aligned more of a predator. panting and shaking, his mind cycled through countless variations of how to react to what just happened, what he just did.
how should he react? how could he react? it was impossible to tell for him in the panicked state. and as the trees in snowdin slowly began to surround him (but weren't they always doing that?), paranoia couldn't run anymore. he was surrounded, he was blocked off, he couldn't escape. not from horrortale, not from snowdin, not from the dusty graveyard he had just left it, and not from the blood smeared across his mouth.
“no, i- what did, what did i do? paps, snowdin, even-undick, no, it-”
paranoia’s incoherent rambles brought his hands to wander across his face, tugging at the massive hole in his skull spanning majority of the left side of his head. picking at the chipped bone didn't help, it never did, but a nervous habit was unbreakable, and he was more than nervous in this moment. in fact, quite terrified. everything was terrifying. he was terrifying. and as the slightest hint of red blood touched his sleeve, the once red, now magenta eye quickly locked onto it, and he couldn't hold it back anymore.
“fuck- oh god, no, aliza-!”
falling to his knees, a disgustingly gorey mess of red, pink, and black spilled from his mouth. sounds of retching and hurling were all that filled the empty forest, and paranoia couldn't bear to look down and see the mess he’d made. the mess he’s caused. wasted food, he would've said. but that statement normally only applied to others. he never imagined using it on himself. choking on his spit and certainly not his blood, tears fell from his eye, joining the vomit and blood seeping into the snow. strange. paranoia didn't think he had enough magic to even shed tears anymore. just for the bare necessities. he managed to surprise even himself, after all this time.
but could it be could be considered surprise, or rather terror? he fit up to his name, certainly horrified at his own actions. forcing out as much of the grossness he could that he’d just consumed, paranoia couldn't help but look down at what he’d done.
red. a lot of red. too much red. he’d never been queasy before, never. he had to adapt to it, being the one to hunt down humans that ran or sneak up on those when times got desperate. there was no time or need to be queasy at what he even considered his job before. a duty he had to do.
but now, there was too much red. far too much red. and he didn't know why, although he totally knew, but paranoia couldn't stomach it. he just threw his guts out (shouldn't they be aliza’s guts, or no?), and here he was, wanting to throw up until his SOUL shattered. his SOUL cycled through those strange 4 shapes, unsure of which to settle on. he couldn't blame it. paranoia himself was unsure of what was even going on anymore. he wanted to run, but was frozen. he wanted to scream, but didn't know who at.
everything was contradicting. everything was going on, and not enough was given for paranoia to understand how to deal with it. and with a muttered curse, he flopped on his side onto the somehow dry snow, losing consciousness in the haze of fear now intermingled with his SOUL.
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ik theres probably grammar mistakes i wrote this on my phone,,,, but like idk. had idea for a little moment in paranoia's lore and i sure as hell didn't wanna draw it so i wrote it as an easier media! god this is so much easier compared to drawing idk why i dont do this more often (because youre lazy silly!) anyways swapinverse silly i love swapinverse. i've only thrown up like never so i dont know if this works. also never had a panic attack (i think) and AGAIN i dont know if this is accurate but whatever i dont write to be good i write for expressing my ideas. like everything i do
#i might do another 4 savior and mania??? who knows#i feel like i cannot talk about the others in swapinverse unless i fully finish viceser and crash#and also thalia and melpomene are just too intertwined with multiverse lore that if#i make stuff about them it must be after i finish the swapinverse multiverse and lore and stuff#but mst are kinda seperated from that thing. none of the murder swap trio have anything to do with multiverse#so i can write about them just in their sole universes ans itll be ok#since ive already finished everything about them and their aus#aside from figuring out how theyll join the mv wifh the rest of the swapinverse fellas#i only had swapinverse on mind because i wanted to draw mst poly#i think thats the first time i've ever uttered that phrase. mstpoly. murder swap trio poly#damn...... i really should work on swapinverse more#this is ngl sooo not so ugh i feel like idk. could be cooler could be better#just that it feels kinda like word vomit. not really anything of substance#but ngl thats kinda just how i write sooo idk what i expected#i just get myself into the mindset and mind and write everything i think#my shitty form of method acting! 😇😇😇#guys i made a new friend are you proud of me. it wasn't in school tjo#it was in my art class. i feel like they dont use she/her but idk anything else so ill just stick to they from now#object show fan. also phighting whatever the fuck that is. like an alternate universe version of me#i really shouldnt say that when we've only been friends ish for 2 days. but like theyre kinda similar to me#i think? i dont know. ngl i havent even asked their name yet in case they have another they'd prefer#or pronouns or anything like that i just havent gotten a chance to do so#for some reason we talk like we've been friends for years which is really weird to me. is it just a them thing?#bc ive never spoken to someone like that so openly before its kinda weird ngl. i actually got to speak about my utmv interest which was coo#i think. idk they dont seem that interested which fair. but i sent a paragraph about the mtt and they said tldr and it made me feel ngl sad#because like.... idk..... i tried watching some of the object shows they recommended and they seemed to enjoy that#but then when i recommend underverse or talk about mtt they don't really match my enthusiasm.... which ok thats fair i dont mind that#but it does make me sad. whatever..... whatever ill deal with it. maybe ill keep watching some of these shows they recommended#so i can have something of interest that they like that i can bring up incase they get bored or me or something#tricule write
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none of u are ready for the roleswap im cookin up
#mun art.#the different names are because i figured starline was unlikely to use their real names#id have liked to revert to surge and kit's 'real' names to highlight the difference but. lmao. dont know what those are#yes rascal is a ref to rosy rascal. it just made sense#lets see what else....design notes....#my first few sketches i did of rose at work pulled more from surge's concept art and i liked a lot of it#but very little looked like AMY yknow#so i pulled in other elements from previous amy designs that were punkier#particularly her sonic the comic stuff#i abandoned most of creams clothing colour scheme cos i wanted it 2 be really obvious that she was Built and Designed to echo ames#the jacket shes wearing is one of amy's! cream prefers big jackets she can hide inside#doesnt like feeling Exposed. very nervous#i wanted 2 keep surge and kits basic colours / etc but make them feel like Designed if that makes sense#like more casual. not built 2 be heroes just ppl who hang out#surge is still a lil punky and more masc / androgynous when compared 2 ames which was important to me#i didnt want to just swap em and make surge feminine while amy gets masculine#amys still feminine! just a punkier version! etc#personals do NOT interact w this ill EAT YOU#i wanna put a Cleaner version of this on my art blog eventually#but i wanted 2 share this asap cos im having so much rotating them in my brain
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what if instead of messaging me in the middle of the night about your stupid fucking girlfriend and your stupid fucking problems with her you actually act like my fucking friend and message me like how you message everyone else in our group
#bye ignore my venting bigger problems what fucking ever#im sick of her ass she only messages us for us to help her with her fucking girlfriend problems like we arent even friends atthis fckn point#and i love her shes so funny whatever but god shes literally the worst because i just want to be friends i dont fucking care ab her goddamn#selfish ass gf thats shes obsessed with. be obsessed tell me about it but cant we be friends ab other stuff too#we used to be her 'favorite friend' cause we shared so many interests and we hung around what fucking ever but fuck that right#get a gf and just use us to help better yalls relationship without even telling her you're sharing her private msgs w us huh yeah sure#what fucking ever im so done with this bitch and i cant even get my contacts out cause i have long nails and im js poking my eye#AND SHE WOULD NEVER BE SORRY if our friendship fell apart she would tell everyone i was jealous of her gf or what ever i literally dont care#she was like an older sister before i dont get why getting a gf would have to change shit like ok good for u but what ab us#what about me its not even fucking fair like is it that hard to keep up w ur friends?? NO its fucking not#taking me so long to write a post bc im still fucking helping her with her stupid dumb selfish idiotic gf omfg#just BREAK UP i literally dont fucking care just leave her if she makes u unhappy its literally online tf is she gonna do to u nothing omfg#why am i the one being punished when shes the one with the stupid dumb gf that hates her and herself i dont fucking care i js want m friend#and i cant tell any of our mutual friends cause she dont do that to them its js me so itd be like im being dramatic#and like shit i guess i am but i dont care atp thats all she ever talks to me ab like ok i get it i helped u but stop jfc#but if i said that we'd never talk again bc what fucking ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cause im just dramatic whatever#if u cant resolve these simple problems of communication on ur own then maybe u shouldnt be in a relationship idk js my thoughts! die#sry the 1 person who knows what xactly i mean is asleep and im so tired of getting late night msgs being like hii can u help me SHUT UP#id love to help if we were actually still fucking friends but we arent so js leave me alone bruh#post#nickpost#will delete in morning my mom keeps telling me to put my phone down bt i need 2 say smfh 2 some1#i hate change i hate slight differences in my normal day to day i hate everything i hate not having smth to rely on i hate change i hate it#sry im alg now im js sick of her ass js leave bruh#nimbhe my moms yelling im tired anyway i need to js isolate myself forever no problems if im on an island alone#living my best life in the shade drinking idk water or whatever and just talking to myself bc who even needs friends right!!!!!!!!#its 11:11 make a wjsh#adding more cz whatever im deleting this ltr anyway#its so clear where i stand with everyone cause its always close but not close enough friendly but not friends and i guess its the same w her#bye im out of tags etc whatever nobody matching my freak ever never comfortable in any friendships
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god... family are so frustrating sometimes lol...
#personal#ok so lemme just rant#so my sister's getting married this yr in italy#and like we've known about this since last yr#plus they published a website with a lot of info about flights etc about it earlier this yr#so it's not like they've left us (as in the rest of my fam) in the dark about it#but suddenly my eldest siblings are acting like it's the most Stressful and Unexpected thing to happen#like yes it will be stressful cos travelling IS stressful#as is specifically travelling somewhere where u dont speak the language (which none of us do... i am learning tho)#and like NONE of them literally none of them have thought to ask my sister (and her italian fiancé) about anything#like yeh she's p busy atm with planning the wedding BUT she's also the one with the most experience of travelling to and from italy#as is her ITALIAN FINACE lol??? like...#like neither of them are gonna want their family super stressed about travelling and airports and hotels etc#like just fucking ASK them!!!!!#i think it bothers me cos they seem to be making it out that my sis picked this to make it difficult for them???#or smth like 'ugh wHY couldnt she just get married in the uk??'#when they picked italy a) because her fiance's grandma is in her 90s and so wouldnt b able to travel#b) they had decided on italy before his sister tragically died last yr (she had cancer)#c) because it's their wedding and they wanted to ??????#idk idk#i'm just pissed cos like... we make SO many fucking allowances for them (the eldest 2)#but as soon as one of us younger siblings want something suddenly it's like we've asked them to move the moon or smth...#like ive talked abut this before but my 2nd eldest sister is literally ALWAYS late to family events#and like yeh we treat it like a joke but it is fucking annoying#cos she's never late to her work or if she has a flight or whatever#and it just feels like she doesnt respect or put value into her family as much as those things#and this whole thing has just kinda proved that even more...#and i reiterate: this is my SISTER'S wedding it is fundamentally not about any of us lol#ugh idk
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Well glad to know I'm not the only one not feeling the Christmas season this year. Mom isnt either
Now we dont know why, but here are my guesses. Feel free to place your bets.
Is it:
Bc our aunt/great-aunt died and essentially dissolved the family
|_> Bc of this we've faced so much bullshit from the surviving family we have left.
Bc the only remaining family we have are major assholes aside from like 4 people.
Long covid?
Work stress/ working under a tyrant piece of shit.
Bc I'm an adult now so the *magic* is gone?
All of the above??
#marquilla#we still havent made cookies and are like i want the cookies but i dont want to make the cookies...#so we agreed we can do it after christmas if need be#i really think it's all of that combined. like my g-aunt dying really tore this family apart. we weren't like close close before but i mean#everyone started taking sides (the executors (my mom) vs my cousins. like listen you motherfuckers she left you [insert number bc i also#got this amount and am not disclosing]. you little freaks need to get over the fact that she loved me as much as if not more than you.#maybe bc i wasn't a fucking entitled brat and was always a polite well behaved child (for her) and didnt take my mommy/daddy issues out on#her. you already got: 2 free cars. 3 fully paid for weddings. 4 college degrees (one that you're not even using bc you havent worked since#college bc you became a tradwife. (not dissing stay at home moms im dissing her making college a BIG DEAL for her and then just#essentially saying haha thanks for the 100k in tuition but no ❤). COUNTLESS hours and money poured#into your lives from her and our g-uncle. amongst the 4 of you. (only 1 is not a brat but thats bc they pretend she doesnt exist bc shes#annoying and autistic so a drain on them they were ever so happy to dump on their dad)#you aren't entitled to any of that. that was a GIFT. your inheritance was well thought out. it is an insult for you to suggest otherwise#anyway so theyre being whiny brats and oh boo hoo you exects are SO MEAN to poor Ally who didnt sign the fucking will and thus held up#$50k FROM A CHURCH. and my uncle (not their dad. their moms brother) is taking their side. his wife is a massive piece of shit ab it too.#dont know whose side dog cousin is on bc shes close to my mom but very close to them. and i know lesbian cousin is on moms side to some#degree. and idgaf what Murderer cousin thinks bc that bitch can and will rot in hell.#so anyway any one we could possibly spend time with this season is either dead or hates us. or lives states away and won't be in til after#and only for a day anyway. and we just dont have the fucking energy to deal with anything
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amount of people ive had a hand in getting kicked out of a college gay club: 2
#wind howls#um. its not a goal of mine its just surprising that its happened twice#the first time was half for racism accusations and half for transphobia ? and also bc the girl didnt believe women were oppressed anymore ?#which is worrisome considering she was also in the feminism club. but not my business i guess that was like 3 years ? 2 years ago#but anyway remember last week when i was upset out of my mind and liveblogging racism live from gay club.#i talked to an admin and after they talked abt it with the other admins the person is likely getting the boot + theyre bringing in-#the schools social workers to make the rules against racism more strict (or at least enforce those better)#in the first case i wasnt the only one who witnessed it (a big argument happened in the messenger group and then miss girl decided-#she wanted to be transphobic towards me specifically so she got her ass kicked out after i talked 2 the admins) but this time around like#i wasnt the only one there ? but i guess im the only one who reported it or smthn idk. either way i dont go around telling admins-#'hey man kick this person out. heres all the shit they did and i want them out' i just tell them what happened and leave it in their hands#i guess im not used still in people actually taking me seriously and the other party actually like. gettinf a serious consequence#im always expecting them to just get a slap on the wrist. anyway#i hope this makes white people in the gay club more afraid of what theyre gonna say next when it comes to race !#because im sick of them getting too comfortable ! you wanna act racist ? do that outside and stay there. anyway#this was just an update on that whole thing. leaving it to rest noe
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#im going to use these tags as a way to beat my soul about my job so if you come at me you’re a bitch and i hope you stub each individual to#i finally realized why im unhappy being a teacher and it’s because i don’t care about the future of these kids more than the cursory#‘I hope theyre ok’ you would feel for any stranger in the world#like i want to harm to come to them but i truly don’t care about them#like the kid that sleeps in class ? my thought is finally he’s fucking quiet the kid that’s got a 2% and doesn’t pay attention im like#whatever like im not motivated to get them motivated and if I wasn’t the kind of person that cared about her work id give them worksheets#for the rest of the year making them silently work while I r ead books all day#like I feel like at the beginning I did the calling home and the tutoring and the flipping over backwards to get as many of the kids to#their reading level and ensure they’re getting a great history lesson that’s going to reach every student and now im like#this is the lesson and if you like it great if you don’t idc you can pay attention or fail it’s on you#and part of me feels bad like I should want to dress up like x figure and get them engaged by doing xyz and like I just don’t want to#it’s like what’s the point im going to engage the same 9 kids in each class while the other 21 pretend to#pay attention while they’re texting under their desk and then they’re going to try to google or use ai the answers#and im like…. whatever i dont care turn it in don’t turn it in whatever#ik too young to feel this apathetic about teaching and it suck but also oof I don’t care#I want to quit at the end of the year before my apathy turns into hatred I’ve seen teachers that hate hate the kids and that can’t be me#like even if I stayed for 30 years it wouldn’t be me but the idea of it scares me#I don’t want this job to change who I am as a person but it’s taking away my care for the younger generation#I don’t hate them or wish them ill but I just genuinely don’t care about them or their progress or anything#it’s scary#anyways im rambling idk im just having a bad day ill see this tomorrow and be like wow girl get a snickers cuz this isn’t you#but rn that’s how im feeling
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it's so interesting seeing people point out things that were upsetting about mac & dennis's dynamic in the last ep. none of those things really bugged me not bc i don't think they're toxic but bc they didnt't feel ooc or surprising in any way? like it's essentially a lot of shit they've done & gone thru in previous eps just packaged in a different way.
#i mean... last time dennis couldnt get mac to do what he wanted he started a literal cult#and there were A LOT of equally bad ways that couldve gone but he literally ended up getting someone killed#the problem with this ep is that some things literally only work if ur willing to read them thru the lens that#mac would be willing to go thru w/e dennis would put him thru if dennis communicated it properly#(which doesnt sketch me out so much as the idea that if dennis could admit his feelings he *would* be able to communicate everything else)#idk i get macdennis! i get the appeal of 2 people who genuinely love e/o but constantly end up in toxic situations bc the only way they kno#it's just the fandom's single-mindedness that makes the ship annoying#& im kinda opposed to any critique that just says toxic = bad esp on this show#(even tho im seeing a lot of valid critiques on here within that which i genuinely love to read)#i do wish we could get an actual exploration or subversion of these dynamics but i still think that's a little beyond the show unfortunatel#s16 spoilers#i thought i had a point here but looking back over it i dont think i actually did...#oh actually 1 more thing... it's weird to me that so many ppl specifically blame megan for making characters/dynamics more toxic#bc almost all her eps feel like this to me... a rehash of a dynamic used in another ep that barely goes 1 step further
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#I domt think I made it clear enough to my now ex girlfriend that I broke up with her because she is absolutely unbearably clingy#and now.i feel guilty that she didnt get it cuz like until she realizes that all her relationships are gonna fail cuz any normal guy would#lose his fucking mind at her and anyone who WOULDNT would probably use her depedence to abuse her and like. I know that and i feel.bad for#evidently not making it clear enough to her#cause like also even now shes still being clingy with me ....and i find myself unable to set proper boundaries cause I dont wanna be mean#and them im morally unhappy with myself. but like then again i DO set boundaries she just doesnt respect them . and then I lose my#composure and get mean and thats even worse cuz i dont wanna be mean to someome as fragile as her but like. Shes suffocated me so much im#in the mindset of a cornered injured animal . and they bite#and it frustrates me that i cant react organically to her cause i always have to keep quiet and not protest even when she really crosses#my boundarjes cuz i dont wanna upset her#and she even said herself that even now im the omly.person she wants to talk to and i told her several.times to go talk to our other#friends cuz how am i supposed to comfort her about her breakup WHEN I DID THE FUCKING BREAKING UP..#plus I dont want that like i dont want the sole responsiblity for her social interactioms and emotional support just because shes#got unhealthy attachment behavior and refuses to get therapy ..#and like now its like well i domt wanna be mean or hurt her even more but also I dont wanna comfort my ex ABOUT *OUR* FUCKIMG BREAKUP that#is 1. fucked up EVEN THO we are still friends like id.comfort her about other stuff but how does she not realize that this wont. help#and 2. it gives me fuckin war flashbacks to my last relationship which just activates my injured animal instinct even further#and Idk why i cant set boundaries w her cuz i can do it well with other people but she just paralyzes me somehow w this stuff EVEN THO WE#GET ALONG WELL WHEN WERE LIKE NORMALLY PLATONICALLY INTERACRING#idk man i just need a fucking breather like i understand breakups hurt and i was anticipating giving her space until we can properly be#friends again (which we agreed on wanting) but like#Its not gonna get any better for her if shes constantly interacting w me#and on god her attachmenr to me isnt entirely healthy AND I DOMR WANNA SUPPORT HER UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS but i also dont wanna be constantly#like acting on a meta level thinking whats besr for HER instead of just acting on instinct ...
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and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do
#im not smart or talented or hot enough to have a source of income working from home.#i dont have a ged or a kicense or a way to get to work or much experience + ive got a steadily fucking growing gap in my employment history.#And i have essentially 0 social skills i barely Function half the time im dissociated or just crying. im weak and out of shape and#not pretty im like. unhireable i think . and again even if a place did hire me I dont have a way to fucking get 2 work#i might be able to walk 2 a place if i had been at work for a while bc if be more used to being on my feet and active again. its take a#while and id be in a Lot of pain but like. itd be doable. and once i worked for s bit i could get lyfts even tho Expensive also idk that#there as many drivers here. and wtvr. but if i did that itd be Less money to help my family and less money to save up toget my own place and#atp maybe its selfish of me to want my own place and i need to judt be more grateful im allowed 2 stay here . yk#idk. im so tired i just need like. idk. ik the only way is to just get through it and get a job and make it work but it feels so pointless#everything always does. i cant keep getting over hurdles man im so fucking tired of getting through hurdles#every single day is Difficult and every single day is the Same and any time j manage to have a good day ill just go right back to feeling#exactly the same. and even if it looks like everythings better for a bit it all goes back down eventually and ik im supposed to be like But#itll get better again after that <3 ups and downs are a part of life <3 we have to have the bad to appreciate the good <3 im just fucking#sick of the goddamn bad im fucking sick of it ive had enough bad i want good. ik other ppl deserve it more i want everybody to have good#days and be safe and happy i don't want things to keep getting worse but everything just gets worse and all the good parts r tempirary and#im so tired. I am not your strongest soldier bro !!!#idk. i just want to be atable i dont need anything crazy i just want my family to live comfortably and to have enough money that i can#donate i rly donot need much i dont need that much food 2 survive i dont need a ton of space i dont need a nide house i like. i just want to#be Stable and know that everything will be ok. yk. at least 4 my family i want them all to be able to eat and the bills 2 be paid and#hopefully for lamp and the kids 2 go to college. bc lamp and tag both want to go to college and itsy is 6 so he soesnt care#but i want them to be able to so bad bc i can't and i ws never gonna be able to and i dont get to be whiny abt that but like. they want to#and theyre smart and passionate and like. i want them to be able to achieve their dreams and get to have normal lives and be fulfilled and#happy. yk. idk. annie showed me her schoolwork the other day and since it wa first week at like. an alt school it ws a lot of personality#type stuff and mental health stuff and im not gonna get into it bc its not mine to tell but. their answers for one of the things made me so#upset bc it sounded so much like me when i was their age and even now and it makes me feel so guilty that like. i didnt make it better for#them. im the one whos supposed to endure it and then theyre supposed to get to be happy but im too fuckinf weak nowadays and i can't keep#any of them safe or happy and i feel so insanely useless. i hate it i just want to be useful idc anymore like. i want to be good i want to#be helpful i want to be cared abt and its so selfish bc a part of me is like. Ohh wahhh we shouldnr have to do all that to be cared abt wahh#and its dumb bc Yes i do its my job. it just fucking sucks rn bc like i have all the like. sorrow over this being what i have to do and this#is my lot in life but i also have all the guilt over how im not doing it bc km lazy and selfish and i cant just work bc im . Ugh
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There's also the impulse to be like "women ain't shit" but that's a lie I love our women. Not women as a whole's fault that one of them turned out a selfish bastard of a coward.
I just need to find a woman who doesn't treat me like That. Get me a good butch. I need me a good butch.
#speculation nation#id love a good butch who can pick me up and help move my furniture#and who is so sweet and treats me like im someone valuable (& not immediately replaceable ...)#the bar is actually so low. god why do i keep ending up dating assholes?#ex before this ex wasnt an asshole. i was the asshole in that situation.#but that's where the whole. wanting to find someone right for me comes in.#god 'ex' really is such a vague term for me. i got bad ex goth ex uhh other good ex but still sucked#nothingburger exes 1 2 3 4#and the gay awakening ex who i really shouldve given more attention to but unfortunately i was a stupid 16 year old#and broke up with her for my bad ex. alas.#and then theres milquetoast ex and uhmmm. well i actually dont know what im going to label my most recent one.#i dont think it's fully sunk in yet what happened. bc it really was so sudden.#i last saw her on thursday and everything was normal and nice. just like pretty much the whole of the 6 months with her.#and then she started hanging out with the coworker i guess. and the rest is history.#i think she lied about being busy spending time with friends to excuse why she was so distracted on the weekend.#she was probably busy spending time with that girl. who she apparently feels like shes suffocating if shes not in the same room as her#it does suck in a lot of ways. but also with her friends. i was trying rly hard to spend time with them and be liked by them.#one of them's moving into my building this next year. across from my unit. so i wonder how thats gonna go.#my ex mentioned how she'd be spending twice as much time here then just last saturday.#and now. well. like fuck she's coming in here anymore. but i wonder if i'll see her going to visit her friend.#id been kind of excited for it. looking forward to spending time with a neighbor too. but probably not anymore.#i do wonder what her friends will think. i hope she tells them the truth and they chew her out for being such an asshole.#literally breaking up with me over text. who fucking does that??? she didnt have the guts to hear me cry???#i'll make sure she sees the full force of my displeasure when she drops my gifts off tomorrow.#she used to like how rough around the edges i am. well she's gonna see just how rough around the edges i Really am.#i kind of. dont really want to see her. but i also do. i want her to look me in the face and talk to me#to see who it is she's dropping. to see how it has affected me. even if she didnt see my heartbreak as it happened.#i laid into her Hard so she knew just how badly she hurt me. so that she would feel even a fraction of my hurt.#so she would feel Guilty. she apologized over and over. said she knew she'd regret it. but she just Had to do it.#'this will be my life's regret' then why'd you do it? fucking impulsive dumbass. what bullshit.
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#personal#i dont really know how to talk about this but i am scared. for myself. not for my system but for me and also for my sys#im primary protector. i am the oldest being in this body by time (not by age). i was one of the first created at the bodys 9month old Thing#ive always had a background almost co-con role. not fully cocon but i contribute to a lot of the blur because im always close enough to#the front to be able to step in as quickly as possible if needed. and to give instructions and warnings to whoevers in front and needing it#the last maybe 2 months? 3? ive taken up a more active hosting role in a cycle with 3 others#im really worried that its been happening so much that its impacting my duties as primary protector. im scared the brain has been#keeping things from me or shutting of knowledge i did have access to to help me adjust to concept of hosting#i cant see the inner as clearly as i could. i know my girlfriends in there somewhere but reaching out only has like a 12% chance of#getting through when ive spent the last 14 years almost living on top of her as she was the old host.#it feels rough and scary. like i know shes in there i think our gatekeep would tell me if she became dormant even if i was full host so i#i have to belive shes alright in there but i do miss her so bad. i want to know shes okay. i want to hold her#im mostly worried about losing more access to information i used to have and diminishing my use in my protector role as a result#i dont want to be a host. i need to feel like i can talk to my guys and gals and pals with the clarity and communication weve spent the last#4 years building. i feel there are more capable than me to replace me and allow me to step back and resume background-host/protector stuff#they are untrained and unfamiliar with our life but theyre not trauma holders. what do they call those? normal parts? dont like that languag#but they dont have the trauma related issues that some olthers/old hosts do and can be trained in the running of the life#we dont work we dont really leave the house due to agoraphobia so we have the time and space to train a new host#idk what to do#idk where this went i guess this is venting you can ignore it#but i guess the solution is to talk to the one cohost i can still talk with and see if they can do some hiring for me#get them to head in and see if the brain will cooperate to bring someone else out to take my host spot soon#or make one but thats not ideal id prefer to avoid that if we can. but i can feel myself reaching my limits for this#somethings gotta give soon either way#system#although we already have 3 other hosts in roster and several alters created specifically for that hanging out inside too so maybe#maybe things wont crumble if i just decide to step back on my own. if i can. harder to step back when i cant access inner but maybe if i can#then we will survive with the 3
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ohhhhh my god girl i don't careeeee
#love my roommate but urghhhh. sorry they dont make enough fictional female characters that interest u but u dont need to justify it to me#write your mlm its literally fine. sorry but ur not gonna gain my respect or approval by defending why u write more mlm than wlw#i dont care if u have equal amounts of each or not LOL we just have different tastes thats all there is to it#and I KNOOOOOOWWWW she writes femslash too im not denying that !!!!!!#most of my fav media is lesbian centric bc I have a strong connection to my identity as a dyke. so i gravitate towards things that explore-#that + complex relationships to gender + its social enforcement etcetc. and its easier for me to get attached to characters that i can-#connect with bc we have shared experiences or the world percieves us in similar ways or we percieve the world in similar ways etc#and shes said she DOESNT feel particularly attached to her sexuality in that way. so ofc shes not going to be looking for the same things-#in media and thats OKAY!!#literally have nothing against her writing gay men i like some fictional mlm relationships myself!! and its cool that she enjoys it#i just find it disappointing that we dont have much in common taste-wise bc thatd be more fun to talk abt#but thats why i come on tumblr dot com.. to talk abt fictional women w dykes who understand them like i do amen#and im happy to listen to her talk abt things she likes and projects shes clearly enjoying working on like thats awesome love to hear it#but sometimes its like shes trying to persuade me abt smth but theres nothing to persuade. i dont knooooow#like ik shes not trying to get me into her interests she already has plenty of friends who are. but theres no approval to win from me???#i think im just annoyed bc i feel like i cant rly talk abt the things im into w her bc she disliked them so much#and also annoying to be around someone who shares an identity w me but is clearly more uncomfortable w it than i am#maybe thats not even true actually the real reason im annoyed is bc ive had a long and exhausting week and im coming down from-#my first day on new meds and im soooo so so tired have i sajd that already. and my head hurts#and i want a fucking hug and im just projecting my lack of physical and emotional intimacy onto her bc she happens to be the person i-#spend the most time with. but thats really unfair of me its not her fault or obligation at all. ah i just want to shower and sleeeepp#and tomorrow day 2 of meds im gonna get so much shit done!!!!!!!! i hope.. i wanna finish drafting my comic too teehee#wouldnt it be so crazy if now im medicated i might actually be able to start and finish projects i reallyyyy want to do..#well i wont get my hopes up yet#anyway........#another day another 5 million tag rambling post complaining abt everything. and dont expect me to ever stop 😚#.diaries#literally why would i care abt the tastes of a girl whose fave character in tlt was naberius........#she rly had to pick one of the ONLY men and not even one of the particularly interesting ones. and shes not even straight???? her loss 🙄
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#bruhhhh im literally doing the same things to my current friend group that i did to people in high school bruhhh#how do u stop the cycle </3 it is endless#at the very least now i am awARE#but the awareness doesnt hit until im out of the actual social situations#within the moment i feel quite overwhelmed and excluded no matter what i do#i think for me its harder cuz im just also more introverted#so other people might see my quietness as like idk oh maybe she doesnt wanna talk right now#while im seeing things as why am i not being talked to right now :((#its hard i want to show up for my friends a lot of them are graduating#but every group social event makes me feel more and more alone and i have stopped being able to control my emotions in the moment#like just the knowledge of like#if theres only space for 2 people on a sidewalk i'll be that third person trailing behind#and like its always me#groups of three make me uncomfortable#i dont have the confidence to insert myself in a group of two like ever#which is part of the problem for sure#and its like im quiet so even if i insert myself it'll just be me doing NOTHIGN#and saying NOTHIGN#which like ACHK#been getting bad at fighting these thoughts more and more by the day#the onLY thing thats different is my logical side she is#way louder than she used to be before i just gotta learn how to listen to her#in the MOMENT#its always afterwards where shes like told ya so#im doing more for myself too now though really really dont want life to repeat itself for the nth time#seeing a therapist rn who feels a lot better than my previous ones so im holding out hope#told me to list things i like about myself and i was like uhh how about things i value <3#and she was like no LSDKJF#its so tricky cuz like the things i value i dont even necessarily like about myself#i value honesty but honesty if misdelivered stings and i think ive done that one too many times
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