#ex before this ex wasnt an asshole. i was the asshole in that situation.

[orcelito]

There's also the impulse to be like "women ain't shit" but that's a lie I love our women. Not women as a whole's fault that one of them turned out a selfish bastard of a coward.

I just need to find a woman who doesn't treat me like That. Get me a good butch. I need me a good butch.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for ignoring my ex's threats of suicide?

this is a very old story, but it keeps eating at the back of my brain because i feel like the asshole in the situation, even though people close to me say im not.

i (19nb) broke up with my girlfriend (16f) and told her that we may get back together in the future. we broke up because she was incredibly emotionally draining, it was a long distance relationship, and also, i felt uncomfortable being nearly 20 dating someone in high school (i was also uncomfortable with our age difference for the year prior, but thats a whole other can of worms).

after breaking up, i stayed in contact, because she was my friend and i still liked her as a friend, just not a partner. she had some pretty severe home life issues, and had made extreme comments before ("nobody loves me, everyone hates me, no one would care if i disappeared" those sorts of things). now, i personally chalked it up to be a mix of teenage angst and homelife issues, but she had never made outright threats on her life before. it was always vague, or just an outright meltdown that i would care for her during.

i told her i was taking time for myself, and would probably not date anyone. a few months pass and i meet my then partner (now spouse). i know i fucked up in not telling her that i was seeing someone new, but i didnt really want the backlash of her screaming and yelling and crying over this, so i didnt tell her we were dating, just that i was spending a few months in his country (he had a place of his own, was older and more financially stable, it made sense at the time) and we had grown close.

it came out during a call, about 2 months into me dating and living with my partner, and probably about 5/6 months after i had broken up with them. she had asked if/when i was moving back home, and i told them i didnt know, because i was planning on living in his country. she asked if i was dating him, and i didnt want to lie, so i said we were. she got incredibly hostile, telling me that i shouldnt have lied to her and that i had said i wasnt going to date anyone. she completely melted down, getting incredibly angry to the point of tears, before telling me she was going to end it.

i panicked at that point and started trying to help her through tears, telling her i would do anything, before my partner took my phone from me and blocked her on that social media, calmly telling me to message her friends the situation, and that it wasnt my issue to deal with. i finished blocking her on our other socials (with her messaging me that she was so sorry), did what he said, and waited.

her friends confirmed she was okay later, but they were upset with me for not sticking around and helping her through her suicide attempt.

i still feel like an asshole, even though its been nearly 4 years since its happened. i feel like i should have done literally anything except what i did. ik my partner did the right thing, but also. i dunno. i feel bad i guess.

[kumezyzo]

hellooo! can you write something about breaking up w bf!sapnap?

im not joking when i say i got two seperate asks for this. and im all for it. i made sap seem like a huge asshole in this btw. like, so insanely shitty that its almost out of character/it probably is.

anyway, enjoy! or dont :) m.list

it built up slowly over time. once the honeymoon phase had passed, you two were comfortable. and then you two needed a break. he needed breathing room and you need to reevaluate where you wanted this relationship to go. when before you could see yourself marrying him, growing old with him, having a family with him, now you just saw his flaws.

he didnt know why but he felt bored. it hurt him to admit to himself. and it hurt even more having to tell his friends about it. the same friends that had grown to love you and you had grown to love aswell.

"you're... bored?" dream asked his best friend, looking at him like he was crazy. "of a person?"

nick winced as he heard it out loud for the first time. he looked at george who looked at him in complete concern.

"it sounds worse when you put it like that..." nick responded. he rubbed at his eyes.

"it was that bad to begin with," george said shaking his head.

during the break, you felt as if you two had broken up. and the longer it went on, the more he acted like you two actually had. and it really solidified it when he started talking to other people.

you didnt think he was doing it seriously. maybe it was just to make you jealous, maybe he did stoop that low. but then you saw how how george and dream were just as confused as you.

he really did try to hide it from you. from everyone. but no ones perfect.

"nick, who are you texting?" dream asked over his shoulder, startling him. he looked at dream with wide eyes.

"what the fuck are you doing?" he asked defensively. you looked up from where you were sitting at the kitchen island to the other two on the couch. he glanced at you before looking back at his best friend.

"i was just trying to scare you..." dream said walking towards you in the kitchen confused. he had gone upstairs to get his laptop to show you something. "but really, who were you texting?"

"your mom, thats who,"

when you found it he was talking to someone, you couldnt help but feel terrible at the idea that he had already gotten over you.

you walked into your old shared bedroom, nervously avoiding eye contact with your ex-boyfriend. he looked at you blankly as you stood there with your arms crossed, trying to find words to say.

he was sat up in bed, looking up from his phone at you. "...whats up?"

"we can agree we're not together anymore? like... this isnt gonna work out, right?" you continued to stare at your socks as you waited for the heart breaking answer. but you couldn't hold it in and looked up to see his face.

he looked small and deep in thought. he glanced down at his phone screen and back up at you.

"why are you thinking about it?" you ask offendedly. "im asking to make sure we're on the same page here. it wasnt an actual fucking question."

your words rang through the air. he sat there, hearing them play over in his head. it was like he was suddenly understanding the situation. he replayed your relationship, remembering how much he loved you. how happy he was.

im sorry if this seems all over the place. this idea was a lot more elaborate in my mind. but i didnt wanna make it longer. sorry...

if you want a longer version, it would take a while for me to get it out. im gonna be super busy for a while so domt expect as frequent uploads. im also in a lowkey bad mood rn so... im sorry if this is kinda dry. -nony

[beaniepanini]

040124 00:34

hi. i havent written in a while. im sorry. to be honest, i dont know how to start. i've been all over the place since the last time i wrote. i dont really understand much anymore, and im kind of having a crisis? kinda. last i wrote was september, so i didnt get to write about what i'd like to call "The October Fiasco" because yeah, it's the type of thing that happens that require me to give it a title.

The October Fiasco happened on October 26, 2023. A month and a half since the break-up. At that point, the last time I talked to my ex was on my birthday, cuz theyre an asshole like that. i had a seminar five cities over the next day and had to leave at 3am. that day was already off to a bad start which involved an argument with my dad, and me having a breakdown at the GSO. 7pm i had dinner with my adviser at orgmates and decided to check my life360 cuz i was still hung up on my ex. they were at the hospital. why were they at the hospital? are they okay?

My adviser told me it wasnt my problem anymore, I said yeah, its not. But i still cared about them. Fate was being a bitch and i ended up at the hospital anyways. Long story short, they didnt say anything about the fact that i was there. i dont fucking know. i may never find out what the fuck was in their mind that night, but whatever. its over. there's no point in me being mad anymore. i feel like im about to have a breakdown right now. i said what i said when they reached out in february. i dont want to talk to them anymore.

thats a lie. i feel like those 2 years were nothing to them and i was just never ever worth the effort. i feel horrible. right before i blocked them on facebook, their last post hinted that they liked someone new. would they treat that person the same? would they treat that person better? would they put in more effort? why couldn't they do that for me? was i just not worth it? i hate them. i fucking hate them for making me feel like this. no matter how much i give my heart out to them when we were together, it was nothing to them. they tried. i know that they fucking tried, pero putangina. when they reached out, they were cutting me off, what makes them think they have that kind of power over the situation? no. FUCK YOU. i'm not letting you get out of this unscathed. i want you to feel how much hurt you made me feel. i hope you fucking live with this guilt. i dont want you to find love, i want you to have nightmares about me.

im angry now. for fucks sake. anyways. i've moved on. i still have anger in my heart, but im sure i dont love them anymore. i cant fucking look back and think of happiness, im so angry that i wasted 2 years of my life with them. but we keep moving forward, i met someone. i've been having a hard time feeling that they genuinely do like me back because theyre a hypersexual person, but i know that this is also cuz i keep comparing them to my ex.

also, i should stop hiding their identity. hes a guy. ig that contributes as to why the whole hypersexual thing throws me off, considering i was assaulted. but he reassured me once, i said i know. im not used to the love and attention, so i know is not a him problem. its a me problem. he's been,, amazing. hes blown all my expectations out of the water. all the shit i had to beg for, he did it all naturally. he matches my energy. we're both weirdos. he makes me feel safe and cared for. i admit that im also hypersexual, but i never really talked about it. so with him, i feel comfortable. i opened up about it. we're doing okay. im not used to someone wanting me this much. im trying not to self-sabotage so i've been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately.

i still get emotional flashbacks to when i was with my ex. that if he's offline i assume the worst, because thats what happened with my ex. or just a few hours with not talking to him i go crazy and assume he wants nothing to do with me anymore. im working on it, but for fucks sake i didnt realize how deep the damage was until i met a guy willing to talk about it with me. my friend was really angry about this too when i opened up about it. it was an odd morning and he said he doesnt feel okay so he'll be offline for a bit. he said it was something personal, but i shut down. i assumed it was bcuz he was tired of me. i assumed he realized i was too much. that wasn't the case obviously, but i felt it. i have to keep reminding myself that he's not my ex.

i rambled. sorry. but yeah. im doing okay. kinda. we have a new puppy, her name is Taki.

[quintonxwebber]

excuse me did you see CASEY DEIDRICK  around palmwood studios? oh no, that was QUINTON WEBBER, the 34 year old actor who plays SHOW CHARACTER EDWARD FLITZ on Beautiful Small Untruthers. yeah, you know rumour has it he/she's - TREACHREOUS,  and -MANIPULATIVE , but his fans all say she’s + CHARISMATIC, and + EASY GOING. around palmwood studios he/she’s known as THE THE TALISMAN. ( CISMALE, HE/HIM )

tw:drugs/death/abuse/adoption

FAMILY LIFE

quinton’s family life wasn’t anything to brag about. he grew up in a pretty poor part of town with a father who was addicted to drugs. a mother who passed away due to drugs. once his mother passed away his father had gotten heavier into drugs and once he went down that rabbit hole he had became abusive towards quinton. it wasnt until q was in third grade when his teacher had asked a few questions that lead to children services. q had went into foster care for a few years before his father’s rights were terminated. quinton was given a shot at a good life when he had gotten adopted by a famous couple. q went from having nothing to having the world. with the significant change in his lifestyle as he grew older he grew into a big spoiled asshole. his parents paved his acting career and when he was younger he had played in cute little teen shows. however the older he had gotten older he didnt grow out of it when he got casted in the beautiful small untruthers as Mr. Flitz.  

PERSONILTY

quinton is a the type of guy who can fit into any situation. he has zero issues making friends and talking to people. he is a really flirty man by nature. most of the time he doesnt even realize that he is flirting which gets him in a lot of trouble when he is in a relationship. at times his temper can cause him a lot of issues and it is nothing for him to be seen by the news media showing out and acting a complete fool especially when he drinks. q is very materialistic and only likes the best of things in his life.

RELATIONSHIPS

he typically struggles with keeping relationships because he isnt always the most honest and loyal man. however it isnt very hard for him to get into relationships seeing how flirtatious and charming.

CONNECTIONS: *if you want something not on here pls let me know these are just a few on my mind*

OPEN:

And now we lie awake, making beautiful mistakes: the girl that q keeps cheating with when he is in a relationship. the two have NEVER been more than just that however they do care for one another but it always seem to be a secret hookup (that they deny to everyone yet it still gets outted to the world)

I can’t let you be next to me: ex that broke his heart, any time he is around them he is just shady/salty. this can be worked on together. this is more like the could have been .

But is that a good thing? ‘Cause girl, I can’t be your man: booooty call. the two just typically call each other when they are lonely and just want a rebound or to just have a quick hook up. nothing more nothing less.

Hah, best friend, you the baddest and you know it: long term best friends

I got enemies, got a lot of enemies: These two just dont like each other. could be co workers, could have worked on a movie/tv show together before and just dont click. anytime the two are around each other just constantly arguing and bitching at one another making those around them miserable..

TAKEN:

Got me looking so crazy in love: an on again off again *toxic* relationship. the two are constantly in the media for the craziness that goes on in their relationship be in q cheating or the two publicly fighting outside a restaurant or bar. the two will break up only to get back together and then break up again. it is a circle that doesnt seem to break. grace

From the plane to the fuckin’ helicopter: party buddies, if there is going to be a big party or some kind of gathering where q is going to get shitty this is going to be the person that is going to be with him usually 90 percent of the time cam

[80s-roger]

Not On My Watch (pt 7)

Pairing: Dad!Roger x Mum!Reader

summary: you’re divorced with queen’s roger taylor due to constant cheating and irrational behaviour towards you. but u have one person in common: your daughter, Laura aka your favourite human on earth. Your marriage with roger had its ups and downs but laura was the happiness in it. Now that she’s 8 and starts to realise how your terms with roger are, you finally tell her that you’re seeing another man except her father and she took it really warmly. She seemed excited to meet the new man unlikely your ex husband who accidentally learns about it by Laura, the weekend you would leave her at his place: on weekends you had some cute getaways with R/N because the court decided that Laura could stay or visit her dad on weekends and stay with him for five days each Christmas and easter vacations. On summers he has the right to be with her for two weeks.

catch up: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6

masterlist //dialogue prompts

taglist: @madeinheavxn @namelesslosers @stacymaytaylor @drwse @cherries-n-rocknroll

words: 3,336

warnings: some tense in the middle hehe and woman talk.

It was around seven in the morning. Your head was dizzying and took you ages to get out of bed after blaming the wine for the headache you're feeling now. Roger was a sleepy angel with his blonde messy hair and his back covering his bedside. You had to fix and prepare yourself for work. It's nice going to work from Tuesday to Friday but the work you put in within these eight hours as an accountant in the bank, is exhausting.

"Roger, I have to go..." you knell next to him, softly playing with his hair. His face was turned against yours, you could see him sleeping deeply. What a cutie he was.

"Mmm?" He asked on his sleep, without being aware of what you said.

"Babe?" You kissed his forehead. You haven't done that for ages. Your relationship starts involving again. After the short name you called him, he opened his eyes and seemed kinda lost.

"Wh- where are you going?" He asked again after stretching himself.

"I have to go to work..." you explained.

"I can drive you off." He offered himself.

"No, the public should not see us together, you know, the paps." You narrowed your brows. They always annoyed you.

"Yeah, that's right... I'll have to go to work in a couple of hours too. I'll call you from there. I think I have your office's phone number," he scratched his head and looked at you focused.

"I think you do, yeah. We'll see each other later?" You asked, wishing to be true.

"What a stupid question, of course." He smiled and came closer to you for a kiss. "Laura will be here when you arrive." He slightly squeezed your cheek.

"Nice." you stood on your feet again and attempted to walk away but his hand stopped you.

"Last night was amazing. So refreshing for us, right?" He stated, waiting for your approval.

"Couldn't agree more." You laughed.

"You look so freshly fucked by me, I can see that." He joked and a giggle escaped your mouth.

"Is that visible?" You asked, checking yourself at the mirror.

"Yes, you're happy." He wasnt laughing anymore, he was serious about it and with that, you turned to him smiling. It's true, you were feeling happy. You were happy everytime he gave you pleasure. You give him soul and body, he gives you pleasure and happiness after it. You wanted to feel like that. You needed it by him. You didn't say a word. Just a simple smile to him and it made his day and yours too.

Your work to bank was going to be productive but an unpleasant surprise sooner or later would ruin it all.

At your launch time, you walked with your colleague, Mary, at the bank's restroom, where you can calmly drink some coffee and chat.

"I tried to reach you last night but you wouldn't pick up." Mary started and sipped a little of her coffee. "I was thinking you'd come over at my place to drink some wine and listen to jazz." She added.

"I wasn't home actually and I don't think I'll be again." You nodded your head in refusal while the little spoon you used to mix sugar with coffee was thrown at the sink.

"Wait, you're moving out?" She asked confused.

"Basically I'm moving back to Roger's house. I was living there before the divorce." You answered.

"Holy s-" she was a little louder than she wanted to be but she already covered her mouth with her hand. You made her the shush gesture with your finger. "Holy shit!" She whispered close to you fully excited. "So you two are..." she winked.

"Yes, I think so." You smiled.

"I'm so happy about it, I mean you look happy too, I haven't seen you like this since..." she stopped. "Wait, I haven't seen you like that." She came a little closer to your face trying to check your eyes. "What happened last night, naughty girl?" She winked again and teased your arm. She was open about her relationships to you and so were you to her. She's probably the closest friend you have.

"Mary, that's personal!" You laughed trying to hide your excitement.

"It wasn't so personal to you telling me about R/N's poor sexual skills." She sarcastically raised her brow.

"Yes because he lacked on that, I wouldn't come if I didn't masturbate after-party, y' know?" You hinted and she totally understood. "I wanted to share this problem with you."

"Too pity, he only likes flexing around his cars but on sex, poor guy..." she started. "But you know, I never liked this man. How come you, Roger Taylor's ex-wife and current girlfriend date a man like R/N?" She reminded your standards and she was right. It was all about your image and your dignity.

"I guess I was too hurt by Roger, I couldn't see clearly. I always loved him." You stared at the floor and sipped from your cup.

"And you're back again which is perfect than before. I'm sure Laura will be happier." She smiled.

"She already is." You nodded and smiled back.

"Hey ladies, you have some work to do out there, what's taking you so long?" A colleague of yours, came in the room demanding you to get back to work.

"Sure, we're going back, sorry for that." Mary took the lead and left the room, now both of you went back at your posts.

At the studio

Roger was on studio with Brian and John, fixing their instruments before starting recording. Freddie was yet to be seen so John asked, knowing what was happening. "Everything alright?"

Roger finished fixing his drum kit and turned to John's side, "If you're talking about last night, you better be sure about it. What about Laura?" Roger asked.

"Vera drove them off to school earlier, she said she will pick them up. She'll be in our place." John replied.

"Oh nice then, sure, I'll pick her up, I'm thinking of a fancy dinner with Y/N and Laura at some restaurant." Roger was arranging a dinner with his beloved family, thinking something big.

"Oh, I'm curious to find out!" John smiled.

"Rog," Brian took part in the conversation, coming closer to his bandmates. "You should book a table if you're going to do what I'm thinking." He pressed his hand on Roger's shoulder.

"What do you think I'm going to do?" Roger asked confused.

"Sweet lord," John gasped. "Wait, you're not going to propose her again, right?"

"Why not?" Roger asked in disbelief.

"Roger, it didn't work all this time. Just because you spent two days together doesn't mean you'll be like that again." Brian was negative about Roger's thought.

"And why not? I changed my mind, I was immature, I know. But now I'm different." He tried to defend himself.

"Roger, she might feel pressed if you propose her again." John was trying to explain.

"No she won't, she won't see R/N again, I know it. She ran to me the moment he raised a hand on her." Roger protested.

"He what?" John was shocked. "Y/N would never let a man hit her, what are you talking about?" John couldn't believe his ears.

"Her cheeks were burning when she ran to me and-" Roger was feeling tense.

"Roger, you won't let him get away with it, will you?" Brian crossed his arms.

"What can I do? I am not the one who was assaulted." Roger loudly said, feeling ready to explode.

"Who was assaulted?" Freddie's voice echoed in the studio and his bandmates' gave him a death stare. "What? I'm not late." He arrogantly raised his brow and smoked a bit of his cigarette.

"We were having a conversation about Roger and Y/N." Brian made a briefing of the situation.

"Oh, I'm all ears, did you have sex?" He winked to Roger.

"Yes we did, but that's not the thing." He shook his head in total confusion.

"Alright, alright, what's the matter? I heard about someone getting assaulted?" Freddie asked concerned.

"Yes, Y/N was. He spied on her on Sunday night because she didn't want him to stay there." Roger started.

"Oh, you drove Laura off that night, didn't you? At her flat." Freddie asked, recalling the facts cause he was there that afternoon, at Roger's house.

"Correct. So, Laura kind of wanted me to stay and Y/N made her the favour, but I prepared our ground, I fixed a drink she was relaxed and we ended up making love." Roger felt like missing you right now.

"Oh, that's, that's good!" Brian commented.

"Yes, it is. And what happened next?" John asked, trying to learn all the details. They all wanted actually.

"Well yeah, the next day things were a little awkward between us but in the end it wasn't anymore. That asshole, went at her home, raised a hand on her and my girl ran to my place." Roger said.

"Who the fuck does he think he is?" Freddie gasped. He was nuts.

"She obviously ran to her shelter." John made a romantic comment

"She won't leave it unpunished, will she?" Freddie asked.

"I don't know." Roger thoughtfully said.

"Well, fucking call her," Freddie yelled.

"Stop yelling at me, okay? I'll do it." Roger yelled back and Brian with John shared a laugh.

Roger grabbed the phone and dialled your office's phone number. He was impatient to call you, but at least he had a reason to do it. You picked up from the other side, too busy from your work. "Hello?"

"Y/N?" Roger's voice was unsure and unsteady. He barely spoke to you on the phone. He would call at his early days while on tour.

"Roger? Hi!" You smiled after recognizing his voice. "Are you at the studio?" You stopped archiving loan papers and focused on him.

"Yes, Freddie just arrived." He tried to remain calm.

"Oh, tell the boys I said hi." You giggled.

"Of course." Roger cleared his voice before getting to the topic. "So um, about yesterday, when R/N appeared at your flat, will you sue him or something?" He asked fully concerned about your safety.

"How come asking me this?" You asked confused.

"I was talking to the boys about it, I needed some advice. Will you sue him?" He asked.

"I don't know, Roger. I don't think he'll appear again. Not after what happened. I guess he knows we are starting over." You explained.

"But what if he appears?" He asked.

"Don't panic me, please. I don't want to work in fear."  Now that Roger gave you a reason to be scared, it wouldn't leave your mind that R/N would come again to hurt you. He has shown some red flag signs at the time but you never really paid attention because they weren't a big deal.

"I just care about you, y/n. I want to feel sure that you're not getting hurt or approached by him." His voice lowered but his head was thinking many things.

"Nothing to worry about. I'm happy that you called." You changed the subject trying to talk about something else.

"Um, y/n?" He asked while playing with phone's wire.

"Yeah?" You playfully asked while opening clients' folders to verify their deposits.

"I was thinking if you'd like us to go for dinner tonight, as a family." He finally said kicking out his stress.

"That would be great!" Your eyes got wide opened. You liked the idea.

"Perfect. We'll talk about the details when we get home. I mean, at my place." He clarified.

"Sure. Do you think I should move out?" You asked.

"Yes, come where you were staying first. At my house. I'll help you with that." He offered his help which you couldn't deny.

"Nice then." You said. "Y/n, can you sign these client's papers, please?" A female voice was heard from the back.

"Should I hang up?" Roger asked.

"Yes, we'll talk later! Bye!" You were rushing to hang up.

"Love y-" you hung up and left Roger wondering if you heard his last words. "You." He ended it, being sure now that you didn't hear that. "How did it go?" Roger asked Fred.

"Better than I thought." Freddie giggled.

---------

Recordings today, finished earlier than expected, Queen brainstormed more than usual, making some good progress. They were free to go.

"Should we go to the pub downtown?" Brian asked.

"Sure, I haven't planned anything," Freddie answered and John nodded.

"Roger?" Brian turned to the drummer.

"Go and I'll catch up with you." He smiled and they all left the studio.

Roger was on his way to the bank you work. He parked at the opposite corner waiting for you to finish your work. He wanted you to join him and the rest members at the pub, like the old times. But an unpleasant surprise gave him all the negative vibes he had gathered for a long time. It was R/N who was suspiciously walking towards the bank. Roger knew something was wrong. He carefully checked the road before crossing it.

You were ready to leave, said bye to your colleagues and at the entrance door, the man you used to date for a short period of time stood at your sight.

"Wh-what are you doing here?" You asked trying to remain calm.

"What do you mean what am I doing here?" He let out an evil smile. "I'm here to pay my fucking bills." He was ironic. He didn't mean it literally.

"We're over, R/N. Deal with it." You had to remain quiet and calm. You work there. Gazes started to turn to you two, making you feel embarrassed. You attempted to walk away but his hand stopped you. He was holding a newspaper photo; probably from The Sun, it was Roger and you in it. Oh shit, here we go again you thought. The press smelled gossip.

"You ran to your rock star husband? Wasn't I enough?" He shouted pointing out the photo. It was you and Roger five years ago, exiting a club in the city, but the title caught your attention: Roger Taylor and y/n  y/f/n spotted together after divorce!

"Stop shouting, I work here!" You warned him to stay quiet but he wouldn't. He was risking your job permanent position.

"You don't need to work when your rich husband can give you a luxurious life!" He mocked you and now he pointed to Roger, ready to read the article out loud. "Queen's drummer Roger Taylor was recently reported sharing a not-only-steamy kiss with his ex-wife but a steamy night at his place in West London" Clients and colleagues turned around and saw you standing there fully ashamed and embarrassed. Of course, they knew who you were married to. You really wanted to die. You couldn't handle the situation. "You want me to continue?" He asked with a smile on his face.

"Fuck off." You whispered close to his face and he seemed to enjoy it.

"I think I'm the one who should have said this." He raised his brow. This man is a pure toxic thing. "You take cocks like they're dinner or something, is that your talent?" His voice was louder than expected and all you could do was slap him. That sound was probably heard to the restroom inside. He was pushing the limits and your boss came out of his office, staring at you shocked.

"Mrs Taylor I think you should discuss your personal issues somewhere more private, don't you think?" His voice was strict and you thought that being fired is the most possible scenario.

"Yes, of course, have a nice evening." You tried to walk fastly out of the bank but a gentle hand stopped you. You looked who it was and it was Roger.

"She's not Mrs Taylor. Not yet." Roger defended your place, with R/N, your boss, your colleagues and the clients standing there with their mouths wide open. "Boss, how on earth do you let your employees be disrespected like that?" Roger came closer to him but you tried to stop him. "That asshole right there disrespected your employee and you did nothing!"

"Roger, please stop, I'll lose my job, fucking stop!" You tried to pull him back but he wouldn't do it. "Stop!" You yelled and then he stopped and looked at you.

"I'm trying to defend you." He whispered at your face, he noticed how upset you looked.

"Please. Everyone's looking at us. Let's get out of here." Your eyes begged him to leave as soon as possible.

"And what about this asshole?" Roger pointed out R/N.

"He can't do anything, let's go, please." You wrapped your hands around his arms, not letting go. You walked out of the bank and the man followed you. Oh, shit.

You were walking towards your cars, but R/N wouldn't leave like that, without provoking Roger. He would lose temper in any second.

"According to the musician's neighbours, the previous night was like some Queen concert. Really loud." He was reading out loud the article and Roger looked at him with his one and only death stare.

"Roger please, let's go, don't give him the satisfaction, he's trying to make you lose temper! Don't hit him!" You stopped him. Now people from the bank and pedestrians would whether at Roger and you or R/N.

"What would y/n 's  y/f/n  current partner say about today's hot issue? Can't wait to see more! This couple is so promising. Whether married or not, they never fail to excite us!" He laughed after reading the article. "They paid me thousands for this article. What do you think?" He asked.

"What?" You asked shocked.

"I'm a journalist, you knew that. But I'm also a jealous and a possessive mate, I don't like my partners to fuck around." He came closer to you. He was threatening. Roger would kill him at any second.

"But you hit me. You weren't violent, you despised that." You answered.

"I surely despise violence. But violence brings violence. You betrayed my trust." He yelled.

"That wasn't a reason to hit her!" Roger yelled back.

Paps noticed the drama and clicks were already heard. You were about to be on headlines tomorrow morning.

"But you fucked her! Aren't your groupies enough?" R/N shouted.

"Shut the fuck up! They're taking photos of us and they'll have us on headlines tomorrow, I don't want that!" You pushed him but he wasn't playing.

He was about to push you back but Roger protected you, standing in front of you and getting on hands with R/N.

Three policemen noticed the tense and ran through your place. "What's going on here?" One of them asked.

"He's a random man saying weird things, he won't let us leave!" Roger lied.

"He fucks my wife!" R/n lied back.

"What the hell, you're not my husband!" Your life was such a drama right now, you wanted to go home and hide under your pillows.

"Enough sir, we'll have to keep you at the police station today. You caused enough trouble today. Let the celebrity man with his wife go to the court." The policeman was aware of yours and Roger's status. Roger's fame probably saved your asses for now; Not including your boss firing you the next day, though.

"Um, are you alright?" You asked while hugging Roger.

"Yes. You?" He pulled away to check on you.

"Kinda..." you were feeling upset. You just had to play it cool.

"Listen, the boys are waiting for us at the pub we met, mind joining us?" He whispered at your ear, not wanting the paps to hear you.

"I think I'll need a drink to calm down." You nodded.

"Alright, get on your car and follow me, we'll have to get rid of everyone. They'll follow us." He kissed your lips and that was the second the clicks were heard the most.

Roger smiled at the cameras, acting as if nothing happened and finally drove off.

[sn0tcl0wn]

the fact that his dad managed to give me the money i was owed no problem while he only managed to give me 40 of it and seemed to think giving me weed and shit counted as paying me back is actually some real bullshit. and the fact that his dad went on about how it was in any way on me for trusting him and paid me back to essentially shut me up and keep me away instead of simply saying "that was wrong of him i'll get him to pay you back" is also bullshit.

rich people will buy thier kids out of situations, never hold them accountable or allow others to do that, and then get shocked when their adult children are borderline sociopaths and lazy, manipulative thieves. i appreciate that i got at least $100 back but i also feel like it should have been dealt with a months ago and came from his pocket before i got financially desperate because i had my funds "accidentally borrowed" and realized he wasnt ever paying me back. what is it with well off families not teaching their kids fiscal responsibility and empathy? like there was no reason for it to be like this. and also the fact that i was told not to contact him is outrageous considering the fact that i cant due to being ghosted for having the audacity to tell him off for treating me like a slab of meat and asking me to spend more money on him that he knew i didnt have.

i never even mentioned the owed money because i dont like talking about that stuff. i should be able to just trust people to pay me back. people who spent their entire lives in poverty don't do this, they pay the money back asap even if it's in increments, so i dont understand why people who grew up with and have access to money are different. they should be quicker to pay people back tbh. it just goes to show that the well off and wealthy are literally raised to take advantage of poor people and only pay us in hush money or to get our cooperation. if my parents got a text from my ex saying "they owe me money but ghosted me and i can't get ahold of them" i would be forced to pay as i could much up front and then dragged to the pawn shop to sell my shit for the rest of it.

if i was caught in a situation like that i might even be kicked out for being a thief. it's disgusting that i had to go to his father when we're both almost 30 and while i appreciate it i also find it disheartening to see him paying off his son's debts as if the asshole doesn't get 600 a week when any of the jobs i had or currently have paid me significantly less and usually biweekly.

[orcelito]

Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.

But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Okay here's one. I really dont think I'm the asshole but my ex sure does.

AITA for refusing to buy my partner a jar of pickles?

So this story has like, a little background and some confounding factors i think but i really could go both ways on whether i was the asshole.

Ill start with both my ex (21nb) and i (23f) had severe mental health issues and were working on treatment when we were together. Theyd been in and out of inpatient stays throughout our three year relationship. Towards the Day of Pickles, i had my first inpatient stay where i got help i desperately needed to keep myself safe. This happened to be about a week after my 23rd birthday, but about two and a half weeks before their 21st birthday.

Anyway, at that time i had just gotten out of the hospital and started a new job at Joanns Fabrics (i outlived that retail fucker and im proud of it). I had been unemployed for the previous year and a half because of the pandemic and so the retail job was really my saving grace to have some sort of income to buy gas and groceries. My parents let me live rent free with them in their basement but i spent a LOT of time essentially squatting at my ex's dorm because my situation with my parents was not great.

Now my ex was also being financially abused by their mom so they had a monthly "allowance" of 200$ (of their own money they made at their on campus job) and no access to their bank statements. So i spent a lot of my own money on gas and groceries for both of us, and anything we wanted to do for fun, like visit the city. Without an income, this was SUPER stressful for me and i spiraled pretty hard with feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Supporting two people, even minimal living expenses, on an income of exactly 0$ is the WORST.

Anyway, i got out of the hospital and pretty much immediately went back to picking up as many shifts as i could at work because id been on staff for all of two weeks before hospitalization. Knowing retail, i was probably on the precipice of losing hours or being fired altogether.

My ex wanted me to take time off to celebrate their 21st birthday (they didnt celebrate my birthday that year) and travel to see their family and drink etc. I got scheduled for an inconvenient time. I would have to miss their birthday if i didnt find someone to cover. I managed to switch shifts with another coworker who was nice enough to let me have her morning shift, so i was able to at least travel separately and be a little late to dinner.

The night of their birthday my ex wanted to get drunk and so we went to the liquor store. Now im generally pretty picky about alcohol but if i get anything special i always get enough to share. Mysteriously, no one ever offers to share the expense or pay me back. So with all of 150$ in my account, i purchased enough alcohol for myself and the rest of the party, and a bottle of (cheap af) liquor for myself. I was broke af until my next paycheck and was pretty much planning on giving up meals and staying at home because the commute to work was shorter and meant less gas.

My ex picked out a jar of boozy pickles and asked if i would get it for them for their birthday. I should note that with all the stress i was under i had found a birthday present for them but hadnt actually placed the order (was waiting to get paid). I also didnt lie to them about this and had told them that i hadnt gotten their birthday present yet. They were upset by this and told me they felt like i didnt care about them, to which i snapped and raised my voice a little.

I gave them a bit of a reality check. I told them in no uncertain terms that i was under a lot of stress, from nearly killing myself to being flat broke with little to no help from my family other than a conditional roof over my head, ordering their birthday present wasnt super high on my list of things to do and that i knew what i was going to get them and that i intended to order it as soon as i had the money to do so. After years of the sole attention being focused on keeping them alive, i needed some support and acting like i didnt care completely ignored EVERYTHING i did to keep us both afloat.They cried and played the victim as they tended to do and i was too stressed to do anything but be angry.

So when they asked for the pickles i told them no. I have NOTHING left in my bank account, and anything that was in my account was already allocated for something else.

They told me i was being selfish for buying myself alcohol on THEIR birthday, not even getting them a present, yelling at them, and then refusing to buy the one thing they asked for, especially after i refused to take off work the day before to hang out with them and their family. In front of our friends.

I told them that i was purchasing the alcohol for the whole party, that the present had slipped my mind, and that they were accusing me of not caring about them when i snapped. Then i walked out.

My bff went outside to help me cool down and i told him what was going on and how stressed i was and he said that he agreed with me, it was childish to expect me to pay for everything with no help from anyone and then act like im unreasonable for having to put limits on what i can purchase.

My ex ended up getting so pissed by all of this they broke up with me two days later, saying that their birthday was the final straw for them after I'd been so codependent and relying on them too much to survive.

I think its all ridiculous given all of the stress factors i was dealing with at the time. I feel like we're all entitled to the occasional emotional outburst/bouts of forgetfulness when we're stressed. But my ex seems to think im a selfish asshole. We've been no contact for the last two years so this isnt like a pressing concern or anything but it does make me roll my eyes occasionally.

So tumblr, aita?

(Btw im also much more financially stable now that I'm fully and properly medicated and away from them.)

[watchmegetobsessed]

Crush // Shawn Mendes mini-series part 2

part 2 wohoooo!! this is honestly such a cute story i love writing it, im currently finishing the last part so i’ll probably update very soon!

part 1

masterlist

The awkwardness soon vanishes. This clear new chapter we just opened with Shawn allows me to loosen up and just enjoy a nice evening. Aaliyah and Eric seems satisfied with the outcome, the parents seem to hit it off quite easily and when we leave they already start making plans for another meetup.

“It was so nice meeting you!” Karen sighs happily as she hugs goodbye to all of us.

“You too, email me that recipe you told me about!” Mom points at her and she nods her head laughing.

I’m just about to step out of the house when Aaliyah grabs my wrist and pulls me back. I look at her with furrowed eyebrows.

“I need your help with a little something. Can you come over sometime tomorrow?” she whispers confidentially.

“Um, yeah. Around what time?” I ask.

“Three pm?”

“Sure,” I smile at her and she lets go of me.

On the way back home I’m thinking about what Aaliyah could need help with and the only thing I have in mind is Eric’s birthday that is on the 29th. She must be planning something special for him.

I call Maddi around midnight when I’m already in my pj’s, but I know she must be still up, maybe even drunk. For my surprise, she answers the phone quite modestly.

“How was the family union?” she asks chewing on something. I throw the cushions off of my bed and crawl under the blanket.

“Um, very interesting,” I chuckle closing my eyes and just shaking my head at the thought of the evening.

“Uh, spill the tea!” She cheers clearly very thirsty for some drama, though this story is not as juicy as she would want it.

“Guess who Aaliyah’s brother is!” I say, but I don’t expect an answer so I just continue. “Shawn Effing Mendes.”

“What?! Are you kidding me?” She gasps. “How did Eric forget to tell you this small detail?”

“Apparently, he thought it doesn’t matter to me, which is kind of true, but there is more.”

“What more? Did he hit on you? Because I’m not talking to you again if he did. He is hot!”

“No, he didn’t, but what you don’t know is that we have history.”

“Okay, now I’m confused!? How do I not know about this?”

“Well, remember my ex, Dylan? I told you about him.”

“Yeah, the asshole who cheated on you,” she hums.

“Well, Dylan and Shawn used to be best buds when we started dating, but the guy hated my guts, or so I thought. He was always mean to me, talking against me and just… avoiding me like the plague.”

“I thought he is the nicest person on earth.”

“He might be now, but when I knew him, he treated me like shit. So it was pretty awkward to see him again after all these years.”

“And how did it go? Was he an ass again?”

“No. He was… nice. Well, we both acted awkward in the beginning, I didn’t know if he would continue his act with me, but he turned out to be nice. And then at one point he told me he is sorry for everything in the past and he was just acting like that because he wanted to amuse Dylan.”

I turn to my side and stare out the window.

“That’s good, right? I mean, he grew out that mean phase and he is all good now.”

“Yeah, it’s just still weird to be around someone I knew from my Dylan phase.”

“But it’s Eric who is dating Aaliyah, why would you be constantly around him?”

“Aaliyah asked me to go over tomorrow, I think she is trying to put a surprise together for Eric’s birthday, so I’m spending the afternoon at the Mendes house.”

“Oh, then keep me updated about the details and sneak me a shirtless photo of Shawn please.”

“Maddi!” I scoff laughing. “Why would I even see him shirtless?”

“Maybe he likes wandering around in his home without clothes on, how would I know?!”

“Unbelievable. I’m going to sleep.”

“Bye bitch,” she sighs making me roll my eyes at her smiling.

“Bye.”

  I sleep late the next day, it’s past noon when I actually make it downstairs looking like a real human being. Eric and Dad are watching a documentary on WW II. while Mom is reading the newspaper at the dining table. I join her with a bowl of cereal.

“Do you have any plans for today?” She smiles at me over her narrow glasses as she turns a page. I lean closer hitting a confidential tone.

“I’m helping Aaliyah today, she asked me to go over around three.”

“Oh, birthday surprise for Eric?” she asks clearly excited.

“I think yeah.”

“Great. And you will probably see Shawn again.” Winking at me she puts the papers down.

“Why does that matter?” I ask with my mouth full. She caresses my cheek before standing up and walking over to the sink for some water.

“Isn’t he a nice young man? I think the two of you would look cute together.”

“Mom, you are literally talking about the biggest pop sensation, he is not really the kind of guy who just casually dates,” I say.

In my mind all these celebrities are living their wildest life. Even if I were interested in Shawn in any way, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t even get in the game, he must have thousands of girls waiting for him in line. We are not really on the same page.

“Oh, come on. You guys knew each other in high school, you have a past, that connection must mean something!”

“He was an ass to me!” I blurt it out making her eyebrows raise.

“He was? What did he do?”

“It’s nothing,” I roll my eyes, but Mom gives me a demanding look. “He just didn’t seem to like me no matter what I did, he was avoiding me most of the time when I was with Dylan and also made some pretty rude comments sometimes.”

“Maybe he was into you,” Mom shrugs and I almost choke on the milk.

I start coughing like I’m about to die and my eyes start watering when I’m finally able to breathe evenly again.

“No fucking way!”

“Charlie! Language!” She hisses at me, but there is a smile hiding in her eyes. “You know, young boys tend to do it. They are mean to the girls they like.”

“Mom, it wasn’t in kindergarten, it was ninth grade or something. I think he just really didn’t like me back then and I don’t blame him.” I was annoying, thinking back at it. But hey, all teens are annoying!

“You can never know,” she sighs.

 I totally ignore the theory Mom tried to make me believe, there is absolutely no chance of the nonsense she told me, and this is what I keep telling myself as I’m on my way to the Mendes house.

“Hey!” Aaliyah greets me with a wide smile. She is now wearing some more comfortable clothes than the last two times I saw her, the grey sweats and lose white shirt must be her home wear. “Come in! My parents are out at a friend’s place, and Shawn…” she starts, but just when she is about to finish he appears on the top of the stairs.

“Is here,” he chimes in. I look up and there he is, in a pair of checked pj pants and a black shirt. Looking at it, I think Aaliyah has his shirt on, it seems like the same size.

“Hi,” I smile at him.

“Come, let’s sit.” I follow Aaliyah into the living room and we sit down to the couch next to their Christmas tree. From the corner of my eyes I see Shawn going into the kitchen and for a moment I’m actually disappointed he is not coming with us.

“So. I want to surprise Eric with cooking for him, but I have no idea what. I tried to find out what’s his favorite, but he says it’s his favorite to everything!” she growls frustrated. I shake my head laughing.

“That’s typical.”

“Yeah. So do you have anything in mind?”

“Well, he really like tiramisu. He can eat tons of it, all the time. That’s good for dessert,” I offer. Aaliyah has her phone in her hands and she is typing everything I say down.

“Okay, got it.”

“Um, he likes gazpacho. He thinks it sounds fancy and you know, he likes everything with ketchup, so a soup that tastes like tomato was made for him.”

“Oh yeah, he pours so much ketchup into his sandwiches, it’s crazy,” she rolls her eyes jokingly. “Okay, so gazpacho. Anything else?”

“Um…” I try to think about the times we went to restaurants and Eric got really excited over the food. “Oh, we were once at a place and he ordered grilled mushrooms and he couldn’t stop moaning, it was very embarrassing, but I guess this meant he really liked it.”

“Grilled mushrooms, perfect,” she nods to herself noting everything down. “Do you mind helping me pick out his gift too? I have a few ideas, I want to go into the city and buy it tomorrow, I already looked up some jumpers online, but I can’t really decide.”

“Sure, show me!”

We spend the next thirty minutes scrolling through everything she had saved as a possible gift. She found some really nice ones, her taste is fantastic. As the time is passing I’m starting to feel like I’m with a friend and not with my brother’s girlfriend and I’m just hoping Eric will keep her around for a long time.

She asks me to stay a little bit longer so she can show me the awkward photos she has taken of Erik since they’ve been dating, but she gets a call and excuses herself quickly. I stay there in the living room, looking around a bit, I haven’t really had the chance yesterday, I was too occupied with the situation.

Shawn walks in, this time he has a headband on, keeping his locks back from his face.

Damn, Maddi is right. He is hot.

I shake my head at the thoughts and try to look as casual as possible.

“How is the birthday planning going?” he asks plopping down on the couch next to me.

“Good, Aaliyah basically had everything right, I just had to choose the best options.”

“How crazy is that our younger siblings are dating? I mean, I was thinking about it yesterday, the last time I saw Eric, he was about twelve or something. No wonder why I didn’t recognize him when I met him,” he chuckles and I nod agreeing. Aaliyah changed a lot in the past years too.

“Yeah. Strange that they are not babies anymore. I mean, I’m still mad that Eric is taller than me.”

“Oh I remember how you always wanted to get taller!”

“You remember?” I ask surprised. I used to never stop talking about my height, later I accepted my fate.

“Yeah, I remember once you told Dylan how you want to wear the highest heels to the dance so you two can be the same height.”

I laugh at the memory. I remember it too, it was quite early in our relationship and Dylan asked me out for the Halloween dance. I wanted to look taller and told Dylan I would wear heels. Of course, I ditched the plan as I found out how uncomfortable they are and ended up wearing my Converse.

“And at the end I looked like a punk princess with my Converse and mini skirt,” I scoff at the thought of my outfit for that night.

“I think you looked pretty,” Shawn says and I look at him. I catch his small smile before he shakes his head clearing his throat. What the Hell? “High school feels so far away, right?” he quickly says.

“Um, well for you I guess, for me… not really,” I chuckle shaking my head. “Your life got turned upside down, but not much has happened to me since then.”

“What? I don’t believe you. I’m sure you’ve been having plenty of fun. Parties, dates and everything.”

I can’t help, a sad smile plasters across my face. He can’t be more wrong.

“Not really… I had some rough years after Dylan and I split.”

“Can I ask what happened? I mean, after the split,” he shyly asks.

“Well, since I was a dumb naïve little girl, I needed an entire year before I could even think about getting to know other guys. Now it all just seems like the biggest bullshit. I shouldn’t have cared that much. And I’m not a fan of partying, I only go out on birthdays and maybe New Year’s Eve,” I shrug. Maddi has been trying to boost me up a bit, she attempts to drag me out every month or so, but I’m really not that kind of type. I thought I was, when I was with Dylan, he was a popular guy, I kept going to these lame parties with him in the last year of our relationship, but I never really enjoyed them. Shawn was long gone by then.

“I’m sorry Dylan played you so bad.”

“It’s fine, I mean, not your fault,” I chuckle. “But what happened to you and him?”

He sighs scratching the back of his neck.

“Not sure, I guess we grew apart and I realized that he is an ass. When I became a private student we kept in touch, but I met new people and I saw how different a friendship can be, so… I cut him off, I guess.”

“Did you guys fight?”

“Not really,” he shakes his head. “Well, we had one last very awkward phone call when I was in Atlanta, if I remember right. It was forced and… just awkward, really,” he chuckles shaking his head.

“And your life has been better since Dylan is out of it, right?” I grin at him.

“Yeah, you must know about it.”

I laugh nodding. I know everything about it!

Before I could even think about what I’m saying, my mouth just opens and the words roll down.

“The only good thing I got from my relationship with Dylan is that I know you now.”

My eyes widen and I wish I could take it back.

“I- uh I mean…”

I don’t even know why I’m so nervous suddenly, I didn’t even tell much. But for some reason, I can feel myself blushing.

“I meant that he basically ruined my senior year and I needed so much time to get myself over him, but at least now we can talk like, normal people,” I quickly add somehow saving the situation.

“What do you mean he ruined your senior year?” he asks with furrowed eyebrows and I’m happy he didn’t get caught up on what I said before that.

“Well, he successfully made me push all my friends away, leaving me totally alone when we broke up.”

“Wait, what? How about that friend of yours, um… I don’t remember her name, you always sat together at lunch.”

“Rochelle. Oh Dylan played us dirty. He told me Rochelle keeps hitting on him and being my dumb naïve self I believed him and not her. We had this huge fight and I called her a bitch. No wonder why she didn’t care about me when I was alone in the last couple of months of senior year.”

“Ouch, that sounds horrible. I’m sorry he did that.”

“Why did we even like Dylan in the first place?” I ask laughing to myself. It still bothers me how blind I was, I wish I could just shake myself.

“I have no idea!” He sighs rolling his eyes. “I’m sorry your senior year got fucked up, I wish I could be there to have lunch with you.”

I turn to him and swear to God he is blushing! And it is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I feel the urge to touch him, anywhere, to take his hand in mine, but I stop myself.

“That’s… nice. Thank you,” I whisper touched.

As I’m staring at him I realize this is probably the closest I’ve ever been to him. I wonder how many girls want to be in my position, they see the popstar, the heartthrob from the stage, while all I see is the guy who used to be mean to me in high school but now we are friendlier than ever. I could never see him as a celebrity.

“Okay, so I found some- Oh am I bothering?” Aaliyah walks into the room with her phone in her hands and she is giving me a knowing look. I quickly clear my throat turning away from Shawn.

“No, you girls just… do your thing. I have to make a few calls.”

Shawn jumps up from the couch patting his sister’s shoulder before walking out of the room. Aaliyah takes his place, still grinning.

“What?” I ask her playing dumb.

“You guys… I felt the sparkle,” she says wiggling her eyebrows.

“What sparkle? Aaliyah, you see everything in pink because of my brother.”

“Oh stop, don’t tell me you don’t like him.”

“I don’t know him,” I say truthfully. “The last time I saw him I was dating a douche and he was also being a douche to me. I can’t tell if I like him, because I don’t know his new self.”

“But you seem to get along with him pretty well and I’m sure you are attracted to him.”

“I’m not talking about this with you, you are his sister!” I gasp feeling myself blushing again.

“Whatever. But I think you two would look cute together.”

I refuse to carry on with the conversation about me and Shawn and Aaliyah fortunately doesn’t force it on me. I leave the Mendes house around five, Aaliyah thanks me the help and I can’t help but feel disappointed I don’t see Shawn anywhere when I’m leaving. Aaliyah’s speech about me and Shawn is slowly getting to me.

By dinner, all my thoughts are racing around him and soon I find myself stalking his social media profiles. I knew he is very famous, but seeing the numbers on his pages makes me gasp. Millions of people are following him, waiting for him to post anything. The last photo he uploaded to his Instagram is with his family, Karen and Manny are smiling proudly into the camera while Shawn and Aaliyah are messing around next to them. Before I could realize what I’m doing I double tap the picture liking it.

“Oh shit,” I suck my breath in. I hesitate, but then I realize how dumb this is. He must be getting millions of notes every minute, he won’t see this.

Gaining some confidence from this, I decide to follow him and continue my stalking session. I’m a few months deep into his profile when I get a notification. Opening the tab my eyes widen.

shawnmendes followed charlieprkr

I guess I was wrong about the notification getting lost. A moment later I see that he has liked two of my photos.

One was taken on a family vacation. Eric and I are posing at the beach, I have a red swimsuit on and the wind is blowing my wavy blonde hair that was so much lighter back than from all the sunshine. The other one is a picture Maddie took of me last month. I’m sitting in our armchair with a mug of tea in my hands, smiling shyly at the camera. We had Christmas lights in the window and the lights made me look colorful in the photo.

I’m just about to put the phone down and go to bed when I get a dm. I’m not surprised to see Shawn’s username, but I definitely get excited.

shawnmendes I’m happy I’m not the first one to accidentally like your photo, though I was minutes away from that haha

I smile at the message rolling my eyes.

charlieprkr Ha. Ha. I was hoping I can easily hide in the millions of your followers.

shawnmendes You could have, if only I weren’t stalking your profile as well. Fate?

charlieprkr I guess.

My fingers linger across the keyboard, trying to think of something else to write and keep the conversation up, but nothing comes to my mind. I almost give up when I get another message from him.

shawnmendes I’m in a nostalgic mood, I want to have a walk in the neighborhood, around our school tomorrow. Would you like to join me?

My smile grows wider than ever reading his lines.

charlieprkr Totally.

shawnmendes Great! Sometime around 4 pm?

charlieprkr Perfect. Where?

shawnmendes I’ll meet you at your house and we’ll go from there.

charlieprkr Then see you tomorrow!

shawnmendes Yeah, good night Charlie.

[thatfairyfangirl]

A rant from a stepmom

Ok so myself and my fiance have majority physical custody of my wonderful stepson and I couldn't be prouder of him! But OH MY GODS his mother's side of the family will be the death of me!

Ok so look I am a Pagan and very proud of my religion and happy to share the folklore of my studies as bedtime stories but I have always been very careful to keep my religion from him as his mother's side is Christian and it is not my place to decide that (personally I believe it is his). HOWEVER last night myself and my fiance had to put our foot down about Wednesday evening church.

Why? Well because yesterday his Nana (grandmother on his mother's side) came to pick him up before dinner and she swore up and down that she was going to to take him to dinner before church which was fine because he deserved a treat. But well after his bedtime she finally brought him back to the house, shoved him in the door without a word and rushed away. No warning that he was on his way and no word of when he would be home and we know very well that the service had ended hours ago. We were just sitting there worried on him and then suddenly he is shoved in the door and it was slammed shut behind him.

And you know what he said? He's hungry! He never got the dinner that was promised! So now we are both very upset and wanting to know what happened as I fix him an extremely late dinner because I'll be damned if I'm going to ever send that child to bed hungry! His Nana must have felt the anger seething from us because in the middle of me fixing his plate I got a call from her blurting out "I gave him dinner!" And I snapped! I demanded to know what she fed him and why he is so hungry he's practically in tears while he waits for me to cook and she began spouting excuses of he didn't want to eat and he wasnt hungry. But I wasn't having it I told her he's a kid he still needs to be told to eat sometimes and it isn't his job to be responsible it is her's she was the adult in the situation. And if she was going to be so late dropping him off she should have called or warned us cuz for all she knew we could have gone out looking for him or ran out for an errand.

Apparently that made me the asshole. My fiance called his ex wife and told her no more Wednesday evening church. We have been lenient about pushing back bedtime to accommodate religious teachings even during the school year and giving him instant meals on church days but this was the final straw and he wasn't putting up with it anymore. Remember me mentioning I'm Pagan? Well of course they believed this new ruling came from me and suddenly I'm being told I'm overstepping my bounds as a stepmom when all I'm sitting there worried on is him eating dinner! Bless my fiance for defending me!

And btw he was so hungry he ate his dinner, a cookie, and a snack all one right after the other. And he was so good about telling us the truth and eatingwheat we put in front of him he got an extension on his bedtime for the night to let his food settle before he would have to lay down. He's very happy to hear that now he doesn't have to eat in a rush on Wednesday any more, and has requested a story about Thor for his bedtime which I was glad to give.

[a-kendricks]

walls/jake&anna/chatzy

Who: Jake Gyllenhaal and Anna Kendrick 

What: After Jake and Anna catch up, she calls him wasted and one thing leads to another. The two talk about what couldve of been between them. 

Where: Anna’s home in California 

When: July 14th, 2019 

Trigger Warnings: slight nsfw just in case? lol 

@jakegyllnhls

Anna: The previous conversation Anna had with Jake almost broke her. She knew this day was coming, but she never knew when. It wasn't right for her to keep that from him, but Anna was terrified of it becoming a reality and when it wasn't she was crushed but relieved. After all these years, Jake admitted that he was in love with her and Anna didn't know what to feel or how to react to that. A million thoughts were running through her mind right now and all she felt like doing was getting wasted, and that's exactly what she did. Grabbing three beers from her fridge, it didn't take much for the tiny actress to get bombed. Anna downed the first two, and as she was almost done with her third one, Anna picked up her phone and dialed the one number she shouldn't of. Hoping he didn't pick up, Anna heard someone say hello and the actress slurred her words "I.." Stopping herself, Anna took a sip of her beer and pushed her hair out of her face "I liked Nora. I mean, when the stick didn't turn positive I was relieved but I was kind of dissapointed. If I was pregnant and if it was a girl, I would've liked Nora." She said into the phone,  sounding plastered.

Jake: After the conversation with Anna, Jake didn't really know what to think. Everything they'd talked about was going through his head. He couldn't believe she'd kept the pregnancy scare from him. If he'd known, he'd have been there, he'd have helped her but now she was telling him after all these years felt like a massive blow. It wasn't like he had room to talk anyway. He'd hid that he was in love with her for so long. Everything about the conversation just hurt. He sighed, getting up from his couch and heading over to grab a bottle of beer to try and help calm himself but his attention was caught when his phone rang. "Hello..." he said curiously as he finally grabbed a beer, resting it on the counter. Then he heard the voice he didn't know if he wanted to hear at that moment. "Anna? ...what are you talking about?" His heart dropped as he heard her talk about the scare again, a sigh passing his lips. "You can't call me up and say this shit to me right now. You sound wasted."

Anna: She didn’t know how to feel. All of this was too much, and maybe getting wasted wasn’t the best idea but Anna needed to do something to numb the pain. She wanted him and missed him and needed him, especially now and Anna couldnt tell him that, now yet anyway. As he answered the phone and heard his voice, Anna took another sip of her beer and then walked to the fridge to grab another. Sighing, Anna continued with “I thought Nora sounded good with Gyllenhaal.” She was wasted, and Anna let out a frustrated groan when he had called her out on it “I’m not fucking wasted! I’m fine” Anna rolled her eyes

Jake: This was killing Jake. Everything about it. For so long they’d both kept things from each other and now it was out there and he wasn’t sure how to deal with it. Normally, he’d close himself off and act like it didn’t bother him but he couldn’t with this. This was far too serious for him to blow off. Hearing her say the name she’d have wanted for their kid felt like a stab to his heart. “Don’t, Anna. Please,” he spoke quietly as if that was going to hide how much this was hurting him right now. “Don’t say that to me. You can’t say that to me. It’s not fair.” He huffed, rolling his eyes while he played around with the label on his bottle of beer just as a minor distraction. “You are fucking wasted. What’re you calling me for anyway? You could’ve called any other single person you know but of course it had to be me.” Was he a little annoyed? Sure but he knew that she was upset just like he was so he couldn’t blame her. “How much have you drank?”

Anna: Anna didn’t know how to feel. If she was being honest with herself, she felt numb. But she also felt confused and pissed off and upset. All different kind of emotions and Anna didnt feel like dealing with it. This was too much and Anna just wasnt in the mood. “I’m just saying.” Anna said quietly, finishing her third beer and then took the cap off of the fourth one after putting her third on the kitchen table. “I’m not fucking wasted. Because I fucking miss you and you cant just fucking tell me you were in love with me and then not...” Stopping herself, Anna felt herself getting choked up and she drummed her fingers on the island and took a breath “I’m on my fourth beer.” Anna said “Can you just.. can you...” Shaking her head, Anna laughed “You seriously couldn’t have told me back then that you were in love with me?”

Jake: “Well, just don’t.” Jake said, frustration laced in his voice. Not because he was mad at her but because he just didn’t know how to handle this. It was a lot. More than he was was he supposed to deal with the fact that she’d been in love with him too and was almost pregnant with his kid. He couldn’t stop thinking about what could’ve been. “You are fucking wasted. Stop being stubborn.” His heart almost leapt out of his chest when she said she missed him. He missed her too even if he didn’t want to admit that out loud at that moment. “And you can’t fucking tell me you thought you were pregnant with my kid just like that either. You should’ve told me then but you didn’t and... whatever.” He was almost tempted to end the conversation right then and there but he couldn’t. Anyone else it would’ve been easy but not Anna. “Fuck, Anna. Why did you have to call me?” He sounded almost defeated. Ignoring her last comment, he decided he’d had enough of talking about this over the phone. “I’m coming over. Don’t argue it just unlock the damn door so I can come in and don’t drink anything else.”

Anna: Anna let him talk. There was nothing else for her to say, she had a million thoughts running through her mind but Anna couldnt think of them right now. There was no point in fighting with him because if she fought with him then she would’ve wanted to get more drunk. When he called her stubborn, Anna bit her lips and smiled softly to herself. “I know. Im sorry.” Anna whispered, keeping this too herself and getting wasted wasnt helping. “Because I wanted to hear your voice.” Anna said, taking another sip of her beer but then took a breath and pushed her hair out of her face “Jake..” Was all she could say before she ended the phone call. Still in her pajamas from this morning, Anna took another sip of her beer ignoring Jake.

Jake: As he was about to say something, the line went dead. Confused, he pulled his phone away from his ear to look at it. She’d hung up on him. It wasn’t really a surprise but that wasn’t stopping him from doing what he said. He REALLY was going to go over to her place. He had to. This wasn’t how this was going to end - there was no way. So, he grabbed his keys and headed out without question. Maybe going over wasn’t the best idea. They hadn’t seen each other in a while and with everything that was out there now it would probably end up with them arguing, doing something they shouldn’t or her just completely ignoring him. Whatever the consequence, he had to see her. His heart was pounding against his chest as he pulled up outside her place. Part of him was screaming at him to go back home but he fought it, stepping out of the car and to her front door. After a deep breath in and out to collect himself, he knocked on the door. “Anna. Open the door. Please.”

Anna: She didn’t know why she hung up on him but she did. All Anna wanted to do was cry and yell but that would be childish, but the women didnt care. He was coming over and Anna looked like he’ll, she felt embarrassed and sick to her stomach. Sitting on the couch with her knees pulled up to her chest, Anna held on tight and the brunette took another sip of her beer. Getting lost within her thoughts, Ann jumped a little when she heard the knock on the door. Hearing his voice, Anna took a breath and closed her eyes, feeling tears fall down her face. Clearing her throat, Anna got up and opened the door “I don’t know why you’re here Jake. I’m fine.” Anna said, rolling her eyes and folding her arms across her chest.

Jake joined the chat 3 hours ago

Jake: He really wished this was a situation he could run from and just forget ever happened but he couldn’t. It was Anna and with everything they’d talked about, walking away from it would be too hard for him. As hard as it would be they needed to talk face to face. Jake stood there, hands stuffed into his jeans pocket. After a few minutes, he heard the door open and came face to face with her for the first time in a while. He knew he’d missed her but seeing her made it hit him like a ton of bricks. He really, really wished it’d have been under different circumstances. “Oh yeah, totally fine. Fine people always call their ex up drunk as fuck,” he said, sarcastically. It was silent for a few minutes, Jake not daring to make eye contact with her. This was so out of his comfort zone but he has to try. He wanted to. “Can I come in or are you going to make me stay out here so we can be like a cliche romance movie.”

Anna: As soon as she saw him, Anna took a breath and looked him up and down. He had not changed one bit and Anna was still very attracted to him, but who wouldnt be? Chewing on her lips, Annas arms were still folded against her chest and the women just let him talk again. This was way too hard and the actress wished she didnt have to deal with this but she did at some point and today was that day. “You’re an asshole.” Anna said, shaking her head and then motioned for him to come in “Ive been traveling and working so the place is a mess.” Anna slurred, her eyes red and fired from crying

jake: Seeing her stood in front of him brought back all the memories from when they were together. And, now knowing that they’d both been in love with each other and were idiots who never told each other, it hurt so much more. He could tell she’d been crying and he really wanted to hug her and tell her it’d be okay but he didn’t know if he should. “Yeah, I know,” he shrugged, stepping inside her place and closing the door behind him. “I don’t care. I care about you and why you’re here getting so drunk that you call me up. I know you probably don’t want me here and you’d rather just get drunk and be miserable by yourself but I’m sorry. I can’t let you do that.”

Anna: All she saw was what could of been. What her son or daughter could’ve looked like if she was pregnant that whole week she was late. This was killing her and keeping this whole thing to herself and not talking about it, Anna felt like an idiot and wished she had talked to Aubrey about it more. She wished she had just told him, Anna swallows the lump in her throat and chewed the inside of her cheeks “I shouldn’t even have my phone. I was about to call Ben but I didnt.” Anna said, walking further into her home. There were boxes with Bens name on it and Anna took a breath “He’s picking up his stuff next week. Haven’t had a chance to send his things to him.” She laughed but and took another sip of her beer looking at him “Why? I’ll be 34 Jake, I can do whatever I want.” Anna said snippy, and shook her head while rolling her eyes “I just don’t get why you’re here since you probably hate me right now.”

jake: He was really trying his best not to think about the fact that if they’d have still been together and she really had been pregnant and told him that they’d probably be a big happy family right now. That was too much for him to handle. A family was something Jake wanted so badly but anytime he tried it just didn’t work out for him. It was something he’d pretty much given up on by now. He really wished he’d have told her how he’d felt back then. Maybe things would’ve been different. He couldn’t change it, though. All he could do was focus on now and at least try and deal with their situation right now. “No shit you shouldn’t have your phone.” He followed her, eyeing the boxes with a frown. It was never good to have your exes stuff laying around. “Don’t give me that attitude, Anna. It’s not just my fault that you’re feeling how you are right now. I feel the exact same way but I’m not drinking my feelings away.” He stopped for a second to look at her and shake his head. “Hate you? You’re insane. I don’t hate you. I’m… upset with you but I don’t hate you. I could never.”

Anna: She didnt even tell her mom, and right now all Anna needed and wanted was to talk to her mom. But her mom was someone who wanted grandchildren and marriage from and for her daughter but Anna was cut out for it. She loved Jake, she was so in love with him and if she would’ve told him back then then Annas whole life couldve been something different. It was bothering her so much, this whole thing was bothering her and maybe she shouldve still kept it to herself but Anna didnt realize how hard it was going to be to deal with this. “If Aubrey or Rebel we’re here then they would’ve taken my phone but they’re not.” Anna said taking a breath and pushing her hair out of her face, the actress finished her beer and placed it on her coffee table next to the other ones “I’m sorry that I’m fucking not as strong as you are Jake. I’m sorry that I fucking turn to alcohol when things get rough for me.” Throwing her hands up in the air in defense, Anna sat down on the couch and looked at him “Can we just.. can we talk about something else other than this? Other than us?” Anna said quickly, wanting so badly to change the subject “I’m.. I don’t know how to deal with this.” Anna said, she got up and walked closer to him “I don’t want to deal with this.”

Jake: Relationships never worked out for Jake. Whether it be him or the other person, he never seemed to be able to hold one down. It was like whenever he did start to get to the point of settling down, he self destructed just like he had with Anna. He’d sabotaged that by not telling her how he’d felt. If he had then they wouldn’t be here both hurt and having this conversation. Being with Anna had been one of the best relationships he’d ever had - it was one he thought about a lot. “Just because I look like I’m okay doesn’t mean I am,” he sighed, running a hand through his probably already messy hair and glanced at her. “This is fucking killing me. I’ve been sat miserable all night trying not to think about it because anytime I do my heart just hurts. You don’t think that I wanted to get drunk and try to forget about it because I did but then you called.” He couldn’t bring himself to look at her anymore, shaking his head. “I don’t know what to do.” He felt so broken. So helpless. There wasn’t anything he could do to sort this out for either of them. “Okay,” he nodded his head, fully aware that they were pretty much only inches apart. “Then let’s not deal with it."

Anna: She couldn't believe that this was happening. Going through a brake up is one thing, but now going through this? Anna was so tired, she was mentally tied and now she just wanted to be left alone. But Jake was here, standing in her home, like he's done many times before and the actress felt her eyes fill with water. She was not in the mood to cry, especially not in front of Jake. "Then yell at me. Call me names, do something! Me keeping this from you.., I.. what the hell was I fucking thinking? I didn't realize it would hurt /this/ much after finally telling you." Anna watched as he ran his hands through his hair, and there was a time when she played with his shaved head while being on and off of set. "I'm sorry I called. I'm sorry. No one else aside from Aubrey knows, but I didn't want to talk to her about it. My mom doesn't even know." Anna said, letting out a bitter laugh but she looked at him and swallowed hard "I'd offer you a beer, but you yelled at me before for drinking so.. help yourself if you want too or not." It's bothering her, it's bothering her that he can't even look at her an Anna moved in closer to him than she was before "I don't know what to do either, other than get wasted." Anna's words were still slurring, but they were starting to clear up a bit. She wanted to be close to him, she wanted him to hold her in his arms and feel his lips pressed against hers but Anna knew that now wasn't the time "But we have too. I.., I have too. I mean, I pushed it back for so many years but it's always been there. The thought of us.., of us having a baby.." Those words were hard to come out of Anna's mouth, but they did and Anna took her hands, lacing her fingers with his. Holding them up, Anna looked at him "I'm sorry that I fucked up, and I'm sorry that I hurt you." Anna whispered, and pressed her forehead against his but took a deep breath and pulled back, still holding his hands.

Jake: He didn’t want her to cry. That was the last thing he wanted especially if it was over him. She deserved to smile and be happy but that just wasn’t possible for either of them right now. They had to get past this first. It wasn’t gonna be easy but at least in some fucked up way they had each other. “No,” he said with a firm shake of his head. “I’m not going to yell at you or call you names or anything. As much as I’m hurt and upset with you right now, I could never bring myself to.” His voice was soft, an ever so present frown on his face now. “I.. I’m glad you told me, though. It sucks but I’m glad you didn’t keep it from me forever.” Jake couldn’t help let the tiniest of laughs when she said that he’d yelled at her for drink. “Yeah, I did but that’s only because I didn’t want you to do anything stupid. I mean, calling me was pretty stupid but I’m kind of glad you did,” he admitted. It was true. As much as he wished she hadn’t, it had given him an excuse to go over and see her and as hard as that was, being there in front of her and seeing her again was something he’d wanted for a while. Being so close to her again was almost intoxicating. He wasn’t sure if he could handle it before he caved and said something stupid. “I’m sorry that I hurt you, too.” His voice was barely a whisper and when she took his hands, Jake met her eyes for a small second before closing them the moment their foreheads touched. He let out a breath when she pulled back, opening his eyes again and before he could stop himself his next words tumbled out of his mouth and he said the stupid thing he was trying to avoid. “I really wanna kiss you right now.”

Anna: She probably looked horrible, and still being in her pajamas wasn't helping. He became more attractive and Anna was starting to realize how /much/ she missed the sex and right now, not getting laid for a while wasn't helping either. Having him here, having him in her rom and being close to her was helping though. It was helping in so many ways possible. "Jake please.., just call me a bitch or something because me not telling you was so fucked up." Anna whispered, and then looked at him "The minute we started talking again, it killed me that I was still keeping it a secret from you and I thought you had to know." She continued and then smiled softly as he laughed a little "I'm glad I called you too. I always do something stupid when I'm drunk." The brunette laughed, and then bit her lips "You should know that by now." Clearing her throat, Anna wanted to move in closer. She wanted to feel his body pressed against hers. She wanted him, she wanted him so badly. "You didn't hurt me." She whispered one more time, and then watched as she pulled away from him. His beautiful eyes on hers, Anna bit her lips and smiled a little. "I really wanna kiss you right now too." Anna leaned in, she pressed her lips softly against his and left them there for a few moments. Finally pulling back, Anna shook her head "I.." Not knowing what to say, she pushed her hair behind her ears and let go of Jake's hands, now folding her arms across her chest.

Jake: Even if she was drunk and still in her pyjamas, he still thought she was one of the most beautiful girls he’d ever seen. She’d just gotten more attractive through the years. Being here with her so close to him made him miss every single thing about her. “I’m never going to call you a name or be mean to you. I can’t.” The thought of even yelling at her about it hadn’t crossed his mind. Well, maybe for slight second but it had passed. “At least it was a sort of good stupid this time,” it was one of the first times that night a small smile played on his face. A genuine one. “I should’ve told you how I felt back then and not now. I’m sorry, Anna. I’m really sorry.” The second her lips were on his, he felt all the feelings he’d pushed away trying to rise right back up to the surface. Before he could really register it, she’s pulled away. He blinked, trying to figure out something to say in his head but he was coming up blank. Instead, he took a step closer to her again, bringing one of his hands to gently rest on her cheek before he leaned in and kissed her again. He didn’t care if she pushed him away and he knew that even the smallest of kisses was just going to make everything worse but he didn’t care. He’d missed it so much.

Anna: Anna was drunk, but she was sobering up and all Anna wanted to do was sleep, she was exhausted. However, Jake was here and she didnt want to rush him out. He came all this way to check on her, and she loved that. “I’ll have to thank your parents for that then.” Anna said, laughing a little even though she probably didn’t make any sense. “It was a good stupid. If I had called Ben then that would’ve been a bad stupid.” Anna said jokingly, but was being half serious. She didn’t even know where her phone was at the moment and that was a good thing too. Seeing his smile, Ann bit her lips and suddenly got turned on. When she has first met him for work, for their movie, his smile was one of the things that attracted her to him. “Baby it’s okay.” She whispered, then realized she called him the one nickname she missed calling him. Taking a breath, she got nervous for a second and pushed her hair out of her face. Watching him try to realize what had just happened, Anna let him come in closer to her and held his hand in hers as he rested it on her cheek. As he kisses her back, Anna knew she should probably step away but didn’t. If anything, she stepped closer to the couch and Anna laid down, pulling him on top of her “I miss you.” Anna whispered, and kissed him deeply

Jake: “Yeah. Please don’t call Ben... ever.” Was he a little jealous that she’d almost had with Ben what he’d wanted with her? Maybe but he wasn’t bitter about it. She’d moved on and he had, too. Of course they were going to try and start lives with other people. Seeing her bite her lip was driving him crazy whether she knew it or not. It was always one of his weakness. His heart leapt a bit when he heard her call him baby. He’d missed that. Other people he’d dated had called him it but it never sounded as good as it did when it came out of her mouth. Jake knew he should stop, he knew that kissing her was probably a bad idea but he just wanted to revel in the feeling of being so close to her again. Her lips on his, her hands on him - it felt like heaven. As she pulled him on the couch, he used one arm to hold himself up while the other rested on her hip, hitching up the top she was wearing a small bit. “I miss you too,” he mumbled against her lips, refusing to stop kissing her just yet. “So much.” It had turned from a gentle kiss into something much more desperate. Their bodies pressed against each other, lips moving together quickly as if they were trying to make up for missed time.

Anna: When Jake told her not to call Ben ever, sober or not, Anna sensed the jealousy in his voice and she smiled a bit. Sure she and Ben had just broken up a few months ago, and it was still hard but she couldn't even think about that right now. Anna felt so nervous for calling him baby, the word poured out of her mouth before she could even stop and Anna knew she probably fucked up again. With her hands holding his face, she smiled and laughed a little within the kiss and Anna pressed her forehead against his again, taking a breath. The touch of his hands on her hips, Anna got chills all up and down her body. She needed him and wanted him, Anna moaned a little and bit his lip softly for a few moments while kissing him "I want you.." She whispered "So badly.." Anna sat up for a second, not even stopping but took off her shirt and threw it onto the floor, she did the same with Jake's and Anna looked at him "Hi.." Was all she could say quietly, and kissed him deeply.

Jake: The last thing Jake had had in mind when he’d came over was to be making out with her on her couch but here they were. It was wrong and they both knew it but finding the self control to stop and actually register that in their brains was proving difficult. How could he think straight with her lips on his and his body pressed against hers? Everything up there was foggy and all he could think about was how he didn’t want this to stop. Hearing her moan was like music to his hears, fighting back one of his own. He could feel himself getting more and more turned on by the second. She’d always had that effect on him. “I want you too,” he spoke softly watching her as she pulled her shirt off then his too. A smile was on his face as he looked at her, taking in every single detail. She was still as beautiful as ever. It didn’t take long for the kiss to grow heated again, Jake’s hands exploring whatever parts of her body he could reach. “I want this so bad,” he murmured against her lips as he bucked his hips up against hers for even just the tiniest relief of friction.

Anna: When they were finished, Anna and Jake had moved from her couch into her bedroom. As they were laying there, she was cuddling with him, her naked body pressed up against his. She was always so small compared to him, and Anna loved that about their relaitonship. Her face was buried into his chest, and Anna looked up at him, running her fingers through his hair "You are right, by the way, that the sex is incredible." Anna laughed a little, and kissed him softly "I'm.., I missed this so much and I missed you and I'm just.. I'm really, really, really glad I called you tonight." Anna said quietly, looking into his beautiful ocean eyes. She took a breath, and swallowed hard "You know what scares me the most? Ben.., he begged me to marry him and he begged me to have kids with him but I wouldn't. If.., if you would've done that back then.., even though I was scared as hell then I would've in a heartbeat." Anna kissed him once more, and felt her eyes slowly closing but she opened them "I'm.., I only thought about names as soon as I called you too, by the way. It wasn't like I had that name in my head this whole time." Anna swallowed hard again, and then moved in closer to feel his touch "What did.., what did America say when you told her you were in love with me?" Anna questioned, she was genially curious.

Jake: As they laid their in their post sex haze, Jake had his arm around her, lightly brushing his fingers along her arm as he listened to her talk with a soft smile on his face. Really, he didn’t expect the night ending like this but he wasn’t complaining. He was just going to sit in their happy little bubble for a minute before it burst and they were brought back to reality. “Still amazing after all this time,” he grinned, pressing another quick kiss to her lips after she had. “I missed you too. I didn’t think I realized how much until I saw you,” he admitted. As much as he wanted to chip in with some comment about Ben, now wasn’t the time and he just let her talk. A sad smile formed on his face at what could’ve been. They really could’ve been happily married with kids by now if they hadn’t been so stupid. “I... uh, I wanted to marry Reese. Like, that was the first time I’d ever wanted that with anyone and she didn’t want that. Not with me anyway and that killed me. I never thought I’d find anyone that would make me want that again then we met and... I was just drawn to you straight away. You made me want to settle down. I... I would’ve married you.” He sighed, bringing her forehead to rest against his with his hand cupping her cheek. “Anna Gyllenhaal would’ve had a really nice ring to it.” Jake pressed his lips against hers in a slow, gentle kiss before pulling away. He thought back to when he’d told America - how she’d scolded him for telling her and not Anna. “She told me to tell you. Basically told me I was an idiot and that we were perfect for each other. I should’ve listened to her.”

Anna: While he's brushing his fingers against his arms, Anna's body was covered in chills and the brunette closed her eyes again. She could stay in this position with him forever, and Anna would've of minded it. "Remember the first night we slept together?" Anna questioned, smiling while thinking back on that time. The women loved every minute she spent with Jake, and all the memories were coming back now. When he kissed her back once more, Anna left her lips on his for a few moments and just listened to him talk "I really am sorry, that I.. kept the scare from you. I wanted to tell you but I was just.., I was scared." Anna whispered, and then looked up at him when she heard him mention Reese's name. "We really did fuck up, didn't we? I never saw myself settling down or having kids, that wasn't until I saw you with Ramona and Gloria and I just.. I fell in love with you more and more. It scared me, but I would've wanted it." Anna bit her lips again, and pushed her hair back, planting soft kisses on Jake's chest. When he brought her forehead to rest agains his, and when he cupped her cheek, Anna smiled and laughed a little "It would've. My mom would've been over the moon if you had asked me to marry you." She laughed again, and then closed her eyes as he kissed her slowly and gently, moaning again. "Natalie said the same thing. That we were perfect for one another, do you think Mike knew that we were fooling around off set? Cause Natalie figured it out, and then I guess you told America." Anna said, and then looked at him "Can you stay the night, please?" Anna questioned, more liked begged quietly and kissed him once more on the lips. She missed his lips on hers.

Jake: “How could I forget?” He smiled as he thought back to their first time together. It hadn’t been perfect but it was definitely something he would never forget. All of his time with Anna was something that he cherished. He would never, ever forget one bit of it. All the dates, all the nights they’d stay up talking about nothing - it felt so fresh in his mind while he was laying there with her. This would be another one of those memories he wasn’t going to forget. “Hey, it’s okay,” he smiled at her, speaking with that soft voice he often found himself using around her. “I get it. We both kept things from each other. It still sucks but… it’s okay.” And, it was. Sure, it was going to play on his mind for a few days but he wasn’t angry. It was just something he had to work through to be completely okay with and he’d do that in his own time. “God, I was so in love with you. It was terrifying. I would’ve had everything with you if I wasn’t so fucked up when it comes to relationship shit.” Jake sighed, wrapping his arms around her to pull her as close to him as he could. He couldn’t get enough of having her this close to him again. “Probably. I don’t think we were very good at hiding it,” he laughed and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Yeah, I’ll stay.” Usually, he would’ve probably bailed if it was anyone else but there was no way he was leaving her. “You need to sleep.”

Anna: Their first night together was everything and more. Sure, she got a feeling of what their first time would be like just from working and filming with him and she was so happy that it was almost perfect. She wished so badly that she didnt screw everything up, she wished so badly that she had just told him the truth but they couldnt turn back the time. “It’s not though Jake, you had a right to know. That.., that wouldve been your baby to. I honestly don’t know if I would’ve told you if I was actually pregnant.” Anna finally admitted not only to herself but to him, Anna let out a breath and just listened to him talk. She was still confused as to why he wasn’t fighting with her but maybe it was a good thing. “I wouldve done everything with you too. I hate so much how screwed this up.” As he pulls her closer to him, Anna took another breath and contained to place soft kisses on his chest “I don’t think we were good at it either. I mean the amount of times David yelled cut during that one scene, where you wake up and pull me in close.” Anna laughed a little and then bit her lips, but then closed her eyes for a few minutes as his lips were on her forehead. When he told her he would say, the words were coming out of her mouth before she could stop “I dont... I dont think I ever stopped loving you.” Anna whispered and looked at him “I.. I was in love with Ben but.. youve always been there in the back of my mind. I never stopped..” Anna whispered, and then looked down now feeling embarrassed

Jake: Laying there with her made him miss everything they’d had. It had been so good. There wasn’t a single second of it that Jake hadn’t loved. Being with Anna had been everything to him back then. If they hadn’t been so dumb, if they’d have just told each other the things they’d been hiding then it wouldn’t be like this. They would’ve been happy together but it hadn’t worked out like that. That was the harsh reality of it. “I... just, maybe it’s not okay but there’s nothing I can say to change it. You did what you did and I did what I did and that’s it,” he shrugged his shoulders slightly. “Do we have to keep talking about it? I just wanna enjoy this moment with you before we both get brought back down to earth.” Maybe he should’ve been angry with her. Maybe he should’ve yelled at her and told her how sad and upset he was that she’d kept it from it but it’d be pointless. It’d take so much energy and Jake wasn’t the type of person to lose his temper like that anyway. He got annoyed a lot but never full on mad. Jake closed his eyes as he felt her lips on his skin. A content smile etched on his face as he listened to her talk and the smallest of chuckles passing his lips. “I’m surprised we didn’t get called out on it. It’s hard to be so secretive when you’re as crazy about someone as I were you.” As he heard Anna’s confession, his eyes shot open and all of a sudden his heart was beating fast against his chest. This would usually be the part where he’d freak out and not say anything - just completely brush off the fact that she’d said she never stopped loving him but he couldn’t. It was silent for a few minutes until Jake finally spoke up with his voice barely above a whisper as he admitted “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you either.” It was hard for him to admit but if she could say it then he could too.

Anna: He had made her the happiest, even though the two were hiding their relationship, Jake had made Anna the happiest and right now she felt happy. Sure, things were shitty with them during this situation but laying in bed with him, Anna felt happy and she felt safe. Anna wanted to figure out how to fix all of this, she wanted to figure out how to almost erase the pain and just start over with him, but maybe not wasn't the time. Letting him talk, Anna laid there and listened to him, she took a breath and sighed. "No. We don't.., we don't have to talk about it anymore." Anna whispered, and felt herself get choked up. To be honest, Anna was kind of hoping they would talk about it in a way, but there was no point and she wasn't going to force him. "I want to enjoy this moment with you too, I lo--" Stopping herself, Anna closed her eyes and shook her head. Pressing her lips to hers, hoping he didn't catch up to what she was about to say, Anna looked at him, watching him get lost within his thoughts. "I miss that set. End Of Watch was probably one of my favorite sets to be on, plus having Natalie and America with me was always a plus." Anna said, smiling she looked at him and took a breath. She shouldn't of said anything, he was quiet for a few moments and that was never a good sign. Getting frustrated with herself, Anna ran her fingers through his hair and looked at him when he opened his mouth "So what.., what does this mean?" Anna questioned, she was probably ruining this by talking to much, but all of this was killing her and confusing her.

Jake: No matter what this was always going to be something they’d never be able to forget but maybe in some weird twist of fate it would be the thing to bring them back together. Jake could see himself with Anna again but they had to be on the same page for that to happen. There was still that lingering fear there of being with someone so seriously again. He didn’t say anything instead he just laid there and listened to her talk. He had managed to catch on to what she almost might have said but he didn’t want to bring it up in case he was wrong and she was about to say something completely different. “I…” Jake started but stopped trying to think of the right thing to say. The sensible thing. He met her eyes with his and the whole thing became real again. He knew this was a question they were going to have to face after everything that had happened and was said but it didn’t prepare him any less. “I think there’s some things we have to work through. I just… I care about you a lot and so badly wish we could just say ‘fuck it let’s try again’ but it’d just be a train wreck until we’ve dealt with everything. We both need time to figure out if this is something we’d both really want, you know? It doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t there it just means we need time to be back on good terms first. I know we just had sex and this has been great,” he smiled at her but turned serious again. “But there’s still a lot of processing to do.”

Anna: It's not that she didn't trust him, that wasn't the reason why she never told him. Of course she trusted him, but back then Anna was terrified of this whole relationship becoming real. It was her first realtionship since her brake up with Edgar, and even though she thought she loved Edgar, in all reality Anna didn't. Since meeting Jake, Anna has always been in love with him and the women kind of wished this would bring them back together. As he didn't say anything, Anna knew she probably just screwed this whole thing up again and the actress took a breath and chewed on her lips, she was nervous for some reason. The moment he opened his mouth, Anna swallowed hard and cleared her throat but then looked at him, she licked her lips "You're right. I want to say fuck it and let's try again, but I.., Jake I never really talked to Aubrey about me being possibly pregnant. I mean she knew, but never really talked about it. So I think, I have to work through with the thought that I almost could've been a mom." Anna said, she felt a lump form in her throat and Anna nodded "I.., I do want this. I want this with you again, I'm just.. I don't want to fuck up like I did the last time." Kissing his lips softly, Anna pressed her forehead against his "I.., I love you and I just.., I care about you too. It's not that I didn't trust you, that's not why I didn't tell you. You're right though, that there's a lot of processing to do.." Anna said, she kissed him once more and Anna held his face, starring into his ocean eyes and Anna took a breath.

Jake: Back then if they’d have been having a conversation like this about their feelings, he probably would have ran hours ago but he’d done a lot of growing in the time that they’d been apart. He was still scared of being with someone and the whole reality of being in love but he was an adult - almost forty years old and he couldn’t run forever. His commitment issues were something he really needed to work on and he knew that. “I still have to process the fact that there might have been a possibility that I could’ve been a dad,” he frowned. It still stung knowing that she’d never told him. It was gonna take time for him to be okay with that fully. “We have to work on ourselves before we can be with each other again.” He nodded. For some reason, he was nervous - he felt on edge and that was due to the fact they were talking about feeling and relationships but when she kissed him, he felt calm even for a few seconds. He sighed, letting their foreheads touch while he cupped her cheek with one of his hands. Hearing her say she loved him sent a fury of panic through him but he shook it off. Why couldn’t he just be normal when it came to this kind of stuff? “I....” He started, finding it hard to admit it out loud because then it would be real and he couldn’t take it back. “I... love you too.” His voice was a whisper but it was loud enough for her to hear. “Let’s just... work on getting back to a good place before we give this a shot again if that’s what we decide to do. Maybe you’ll meet some other guy before we work this out properly and then I’ll have to punch him in the face but still,” he joked, trying to lighten the mood for even a second. “We’ll work through our shit, work on being good with each other and see what happens. Maybe it’ll lead us back to each other again.”

Anna: Anna knew how hard this was for him she just wished she understood a little more on why he was so scared but Anna didn’t want to bother him about it or make him talk about it. “I know baby. You.. you would’ve been an amazing dad to our kid. I.. I told you I was relieved but I was disappointed too.” Anna signed, she knew she hurt him badly just by hiding the fact that he didnt know she was almost pregnant and it bugged her so much she kept it to herself. “I know, I.. Ive been working on myself. I dont know if it’s helping or not.” She felt that he was a little off, but after they kissed Anna laid there with him for a few moments. What an idiot, she thought. The moment those three words escaped her lips, Anna knew she fucked up again. When it took him a while to answer her back, Annas face turned red and she could feel tears in her eyes “No I.., I thought Ben was the one. I thought he was it for me but I.., I think.., I think it’s you.” Anna said quietly, her eyes were filled with water but she wasn’t crying. “I hope so.” Anna said quietly, and learned in to kiss him softly “What.. what would you have done if I was pregnant?” She needed to ask, she needed to know. Anna looked at him, rubbing her right hand on his cheek and Anna kissed him softly

Jake: Jake really did love love. He thought it was beautiful especially if you had the real thing but he’d seen people around him give their everything only to be hurt. He’d even gone through it himself so the idea of giving himself to someone so completely again scared him. But, this was Anna. This was someone he trusted and did love her. He would just have to try and get over having difficulty saying it. If they were to make this work ever again he didn’t want him to ruin it because of that. “You would’ve been a great mom. It just....obviously wasn’t our time.” He heard her sigh and sent a comforting smile her way. He didn’t want her to feel bad about it. “I just want you to be happy by yourself before you’re happy with me.” He leaned over to press a gentle kiss against her lips. “I’m sorry that it’s so hard for me to admit things to you. I wish it wasn’t but just know that when I do say things, I really mean them. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t. I love you, Anna. Even if you drive me absolutely insane sometimes.” Hopefully that would put her at ease a little bit. He wanted her to know that what he was saying was real and he did mean it even if it came out forced. It wasn’t her, it was him as cliche as that sounded. At her question, Jake met her eyes and without a beat he answered almost instantly. “I would’ve asked you to marry me without a doubt.”

Anna: She was in love twice, once with Edgar and once with Ben but clearly those relationships didn't work out for her own fucked up reasons. Anna however, did fall in love with Jake while they were together and it pissed her off so much that she didn't say it to him those many years again. She wanted to try this with him again, if Anna was being completely honest with herself, Anna wanted to re-try their relationship. "Thank you." Was all Anna could say, the women never cared for kids and the fact that she had a scare just freaked her out, and the thought of her becoming of mom did to. Seeing him smile, Anna bit her lips and pressed her forehead against his, their naked bodies still pressed up against one another. Anna didn't want this moment to be over, she wanted to stay here for a while. "I.., I am happy Jake. I'm.., still working on myself and I'll probably be working on myself for the rest of my life." Anna admitted, and then looked at him as he leaned in to press a kiss against her lips. She smiled within the kiss, and rubbed her thumb over his cheeks "I know babe, I love you too. I'm.., I wish I would've said it when we were together. I'm saying it now though because I.., I never stopped falling in love with you." Anna swallowed hard and got all choked up, kissing his cheek, Anna got lost within her thoughts for a few moments before remembering she had asked him an important question, and Anna felt tears falling down her cheeks "Jake..." She said all choked up, and then looked at him all choked up. Anna loved him.

*FINISHED

[campcamp-nerris]

(P1) My initial thought was that i assume this was some time after college. Preston and Max were in a serious relationship but Preston was too nervous to tell Max he was poly. The reason no one knew is bc neither of them were out of the closet. The thing with Harrison and Nerris happened after the couple (who were his best friends) confessed they both had feelings for him after talking it out with eachother (& having at least 3 seprate arguments about how to tell him)

(P2 of ?) When they confessed Preston was caught off guard by the fact he DOES like them both and he was so happy he didn't think of the pain he was inflicting. The fact he was in the closet also helped to hide that he was seeing them. Preston hadn't meant to hurt anyone but they were all so affectionate and wonderful not to mention the drama element was… Amazing to Preston. 

(P3 of ?) He panicked and to keep it from getting out he lied to Nerris and Harrison that max had been a selfish ex and he had a messy brake up so they wouldn't talk to max out of respect for him. At this point he knew he was fucking up bad but he was falling in love. It got even better when they found out Nerris was pregnant. It was the happiest,and scariest, moment for the trio but Preston couldn't shake the immense guilt and fear of loosing them.

(P4 of ?) As time went on he thought his secret was safe. That didnt last long though. Max snapped and told his two best friends how in love he was bc he wanted them to be happy for him. Nikki and Neil were happy but a little worried. Tbh Nikki thought Preston liked Harrison and Nerris. She wanted to be happy for Max but she caved and told Neil and they snooped. This soon lead to finding Preston’s secret after seeing him sneak a kiss with Harrison while out to support Nerris at a book release.

(P 5 of ?) It hurt so much to look up at Nerris’s concerned face and tell his girlfriend that the man they loved cheated on them. Frankly Nerris was so upset she was shaking and replaying every happy memory they had in her head feeling fucking sick. He cheated on them and now shes pregnant. Possibly with Preston’s child. They ended up just staying quiet waiting on Preston to get there for date night. As soon as the front door opened though Nerris was up.

(P 6 of ?) The first thing Preston got was not a kiss but a slap to the fucking face curtasy of Nerris. It was all a blur to Preston as he was shoved back by nerris who had started to cry without realizing it before she was pulled back by Harrison who was blinking away tears and asking why Preston would do this. They love him so much and were starting a family. The only question nerris could bare to ask was how long he had been lying to them.

(Part 7 of ?) When Preston eventually sobbed out the truth that he had been seeing max when he started to fall for them Harrison looked up at him hurt and said in disbelief that it was all a fucking lie. Before Preston could respond Harrison pulled Prestons bags out of his hat and threw it at him before slamming the door. Preston was left crying outside of their apartment before he got a text from max that read “I hope it was good for you while it lasted asshole. Were fucking through”

(P 8 of ?) Preston ended up going back to his grandmas temporarily in tears bc he lost everyone he loved. Max however was out drinking with his two best friends trying to move the hell on way too soon because thinking of Preston fucking hurt. It was a few weeks of hell tbh but it ended in a simi messy brake up between Nerris and Harrison. He wantef to not think about Preston and made her feel like she was needlessly stuck on the past. He didn’t mean to but Nerris was scared of being hurt again.

(P 9 of ?) The Preston situation caused so much hurt and anger that it destroyed their relationship. Nerris moved out despite Harrison asking her to stay. And they didnt talk for weeks. Tbh Harrison didnt hear from Nerris much after that until a month later when he got a call from the hospital that Nerris was going to have the baby soon and wanted him to be there. Unknown to her… One of thr nurse’s also called the other man listed as her boyfriend on her emergency call list. Preston.

(P 10 of ?) That was a very awkward meeting. Harrison glared at him and walked with him to the hospital room. When they arived Preston almost cried at the sight of Nerris’s outstreched arms. But then, Harrison ran straight to her and she couldnt bare to look at Preston when she told him to go wait outside. Preston felt his heart shatter as he realized he truely wasnt wanted. He backed out of the room as Harrison and Nerris seemed to curl up apologizing to eachtother.

(P 11 of ?) A few hours later and Preston was invited into the room to see the newborn. Nerris thought it was only fair since she wasnt totally sure who the father was and since someone invited him anyways. While Nerris was trying very hard not to get emotional, Harrison was completely wrapped around the babies finger. Honestly Preston could see why. The little boy was very cute. After getting a nod from Nerris he too came closer to look. (Also i might be a bit bc my mind is going blank)

@fiddler-unroofed jesus fucking criminy lord almighty god fuckign destroy me on the spot give me a sock in a notebook and call me a dead free elf, this is sad

EDIT: IT KEEPS GETTING BETTER (WORSE)

EDIT: OOFS IN G MAJOR

[princeoftheroses]

12 for the book asks

12) did you enjoy any compulsory high school readings?

there were a few that i liked!!!

this was a LONG time ago but i remember in 8th grade i read the outsiders by s.e. hinton for my english class. at the time, it really changed me and tbh was in my little gay collection of non-gay books (ironic considering the author is homophobic i think) i don't think as fondly of it now (it's just okay) but i still have a soft spot for it bc of how much i loved it when i was 13.

in 11th grade which was american lit i adored the great gatsby by f. scott fitzgerald i just. really loved it. there was a lot of symbolism in it and i always liked that. in my class ppl tended to love or hate that book and i do understand why ppl wouldn't like it since it literally is supposed to be about ppl who are assholes, but i liked it anyway bc it was very interesting. kind of like watching a car crash in slow motion.

for the summer before i took ap lit in 12th grade we had 3 books which was required reading and one of them was the awakening by kate choping. i actually was really surprised by how much i like it bc i tend not to like anything feminist created by white people, but for some reason it really resonated with me. i think it was bc it was such pure unadulterated emotion. i know a few people who hated the book for the ending bc [spoiler alert, tho i dont think anyone cares if they were spoiled for this book lol] [also tw: suicide for the rest of this paragraph] they felt they felt like it was very hopeless that the "awakened" woman killed herself in the end. i understand the criticism and i would NEVER tell somebody they were wrong for disliking an ending involving the protagonist killing themselves, but imo it was just a very moving ending. i dont think the protagonist was supposed to be the model for the awakened woman, i think it was just one person's life and experience. it wasnt really abt morality or abt her being a symbol of feministic awakening, she was just a single example of a woman who had an internal awakening abt herself... it was just very raw... sort of had an appeal to me similar to the handmaid's tale by margarat atwood bc in that book, offred wasn't a symbol of liberation and trying to revolutionize the system, she was just one woman who was living in an oppressive situation. she doesn't have to be the revolution, she simply exists and deserves the right to be free. that said, i think i might have liked this book even more if the protagonist got to live.. it did make me very depressed for a good while after i read it.

sorry i went off on that a lot i just have a lot of feelings abt the awakening that i havent processed since reading it in 2019 bc nobody ever wants to hear me talk abt it lol.

i think i read more books that i hated than loved in school (ex. of books i hated that i read in school - tess of the d'ubervilles by thomas hardy, gulliver's travels by jonathan swift, a lesson before dying by ernest j. gaines, lord of the flies by william golding, the crucible by arthur miller) but i'm glad i read the above books that i loved. i think there are more short stories i read in class that i loved than novels, but unfortunately i never saved the titles for a lot of them so i cant really look them up again :/

HONORABLE MENTIONS - books that other people read in school that i was never assigned in class but liked a lot when i read them outside of school - the handmaid's tale by margret atwood, beloved by toni morrison, never let me go by kazuo ishiguro (???) (this isn't a common school book as far as i know, but i only read it bc somebody rec'd it to me, and they originally found/read it bc it was assigned to them in class)

[flameontheotherside]

Signs Erik Threw At Me, I Ignored

Started in 2009 (fall/winter) things got strange. It was told to me months before by a psychic that the person I felt compelled to look for would die and I wouldn't have been able to stop it. I was in denial and done with relationships. Since his death I honestly never truely loved anyone. Rick is the only one to come close.

Born intuitive, I've seen things that would happen, felt things I couldn't explain, but I grew up being bullied for being "special" and all I wanted was to be normal. Naturally over the course of my life, I often ignored my intuition.

A fake rose flew across me from windowsill while I was crying over what the psychic said. I convinced myself I miraculously kicked it. If I kicked it, it wouldn't have flown like that. Not across my bed. It spooked me enough to sleep with my light on.

I constantly had feelings I was being watched or someone was behind me. This never happened before. Sometimes it was annoying but I learned it ignore it.

I had the urge or the feeling to visit the cemetery. Like have a picnic there. I hate cemeteries but for some reason I wanted to go alone with a packed lunch. Instead I passed it nearly everyday on my way to work.

Since he died, on most nights alone I felt like I was being held or snuggled. Felt it was a dude who was taller than me and felt protected as long as I had uplifting music playing from my computer. When I was with my ex, it wasn't the same. Actually I refused to do it with my exs because I didn't really love them. They were means to an end.

Unexplainable feeling of unconditional love. I assumed it was mania but deep down knew it wasnt. I get hypomanic and its not the same (my hypomania is basically adhd). Its more like a feeling I'm being watched over lovingly and felt things were going to be okay. Even though my life at the time was shit, somehow I felt alright.

At one point around 2011, I even thought I was falling in love with someone I couldn't see. But dismissed it because I was miserable and dealing with addiction. So it was fleeting.

Erik started showing up in my dreams around the same time I thought I was in love with him. He wanted me out of that situation and he showed me a guy who would help me get clean. Well it happened but Isaac turned into an asshole. I never loved him either. I just wanted to get away from Rob and the drugs.

I was drying off out of the shower and I guess for lack of a better term, I felt my higher self. I don't usually gloat over my appearance...especially naked. I felt different for a fleeting moment and shook it off.

Before I knew about my role with children but after being told by my oracle cards about that role (yeah I know), back in 2011 for a short period, I felt like I was missing "my children". That also the invisible dude I was in love with was the father. I mean as a child I would pretend that my toys were my children so I dismissed it for just missing my childhood.

The dreams from the time Erik died to right before another psychic told me to talk to him. So many of them. I write enough about them individually. If it weren't for the dreams and the psychic, I'd likely be doing something other than this or be dead. Who knows.

In 2016, I felt like I was missing someone but didn't know who. It was so frustrating and intense I started to feel suicidal.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

9:48pm, that date was trash as hell.

"Try meeting other people", I said. "You can find people who are better than your ex", I said.

BUT GUESS WHAT?

I sure the fuck did not. (Calvin was 50/50, but like, a general disappointment. So, still no winners out there.)

I don't know how to begin.

The guy showed up in an absurdly old and dirty car. A car with a tape deck and no aux cord? A turnoff, but the car could've been cool.... if not him having a huge wasteland of garbage and miscellaneous huge items in his back seat? (Especially if that's where we were supposed to fuck, bro????? God, lack of hygiene AND poor planning for having car sex?)

We went to some shitty burger spot with extremely hostile owners. He was a "order first" headass..... Not a fan of that. Hell, maybe when I was younger, I would've went "Lol, we're just gonna fuck bro, let's split the bill", but now? Present day? Where my card got declined on a 5 dollar bag of chips and sandwich combo? You request to bed with me, you fool, and can't even have a clean car or eight bucks for a bu-- yeah, no

He looked different than his photos. I hoped it was a "hes just not photogenic" level situation.... it was not. :/

Dry ass conversation, it was like trying to communicate to a dead and wilted plant.

Aaaaaand he reacted negatively to me offering my sketchbook and art supplies to him, (just pens and markers,) which.... hurt like shit, bro. even the average non-artist asshole goes "huh, ive never heard of someone doing that before", and still at least leaves 1 doodle on it, or gives a polite nod. This dude deadass was like.... ":T" and frowned, then looked at me super weird over it? I don't care how old you are, dipshit, shut up and doodle, or at least don't.... frown???? as if ive got a weird ddlg kink???? i like to draw???? fuck you.

And then despite all mentioned above, he was like "so wheres a good place for us to hang at? I usually opt for the (redacted) parking lot, but...", and I thought "a fucking parking lot, really?"..... I've had some nonclassy sexual experiences, but all my car sex experiences have been done by the BEST VIEW IN THE CITY, and im offended. Id rather get screwed by the stars and the city skyline, not in front of a Lucky's or whatever the fuck.

.....I politely asked to go home.

No regrets.

I could've just stayed home and made more vent posts, instead of.... that shit.

Also; it didn't help me get over my ex.

I'm not romantically attached to my ex, (they fucked shit up and i see them as pathetic and unable to change my mind,) but still a bit longful in a way.

So its a little annoying to know that a nice sunny day, painting for two hours idly with a guy and having intriguing conversations, with someone who does not want to eat my pussy date me anytime soon....

Couldn't compare to someone who actually did somewhat want to fuck me.

Its more of a "this man cannot even do the bare minimum of courting a girl", also known as "all you have to do is be mildly interesting and buy me food, yet you couldnt even do that".

Going on a mediocre date does the opposite of sparking joy.

It just makes me think, "Dates with Patrick wouldn't have been like this".

But Patrick wasnt a conversationalist either, and doesnt shower, so, hes no sparkling star either.

.....

Kinda annoying to know that before I gave things a second try with him, no matter what, he always popped into my brain.

When I was with Patrick #1, looking at his slightly less toned and muscular body, seeing how lazy and careless he was about getting to know me or making me actually feel good, and everything.....

I was deadass laying down in bed, looking Patrick #1 in his big ass blue eyes, and at his face, which I swore before was the hottest man I'd ever seen, nonetheless dated....

And thinking, "He's not the guy I really want."

Since if I wanted to lay next to anyone, it would've been Patrick #2. His weird little nerdy smile that turned ridiculously big when he was happy. His face, skin, jawline. The way he chuckled. I don't know, man. I could probably try my best to write out and recreate the image of how I saw P2 in my head, but.... it's really fucking impossible.

Maybe I'll paint it. Its easier to draw out things visually.

Then with another man, who I hated being with, the same image popped up. "If I could be with anyone else in his bedroom, who would I wanna be with?"

Patrick #2 came to mind.

.....

Eventually, too many signs lead to.... "Stop being so stubborn, just talk to the guy again."

....

I was glad we gave things a second chance. Or if anything, I was the one to give things a second chance.... He had one foot in the door, and out the other way.

I was the one to initiate our relationship starting... He was the one to initiate its ending.

That says volumes.

And that thought stuck with me so hard recently, that its what made me truly go, "I will never like this man the same way again."

It just said a lot. He threw it all out. I didn't get to show him the way the Temple lights up at night. I didn't get to go out to some fancy dinner like he promised me. I didn't get to go to his party, since he saw someone else as better to have than it was to have me. And upon realizing how much that hurt, he decided cutting the strings, instead of mending the problems and moving on, would be easier.

What good could he possibly be?

.....

When he walked towards me today, with that uncomfortable ass look on his face, and then quickly staring at his shoes in that really pathetic way that he does, it spoke volumes.

He didnt need to say "I feel uncomfortable", he showed it. He didnt need to say "i feel guilty", he showed it. He didnt need to say "i feel upset seeing you", he showed it.

I'm gonna be the dumbass that sees all the signs but keeps walking straight into an open flame that somehow hasnt died by now.

.....

And i hate it.

....

Today was nice. It was okay. I'm.... Still not anything to him. Definitely not a good enough friend for him to want around that often, or bother texting back. I just.... hate things.

It was a simpler time, and now, its as simple as "i dont mean shit to this person, and thats final". Its not cool.

I hate it so much.

10:23pm.

So damn tired.

Peace.