#'writing queer men as feminine is bad' i want you to say that to my two gay uncles who were gay in the 80s and are masculine AND feminine.

[liightsnow]

*looking at season 3 steve* babygirl I'm so sorry people are already forgetting you 💔 my lip gloss wearing king

[menlove]

one thing that adds to credibility of Paul being closeted imo, is that often he is thought of as having this internalised homophobia, if not homophobia itself, because he always mentions how un-gay he is whenever some gay subject comes up in interviews

but like, there are so many things that disprove him being homophobic, it's not even funny. going to Paris alone with gay men? Paul did that two times (three if we count John lol) and that Peter Brown story is incrediblyy suspect. what homophobic man, scared of gay, sits on the bed of his male employee and his male fling that casually late at night in his hotel room and chats them up?

most likely reason, combined with his incredibly suspect lyrics, is that he is so defensive about his sexuality because he has something to hide

THATS WHAT IIIIIM SAYING!!!! like he is so comfortable w gay people and gay culture which on its own isn't suspect but it Is when people insist he's homophobic as a Reason He's Repressed Not Closeted. and once again I must remind everyone that john nearly beat a man to death for calling him gay and was still undeniably queer.

it's just like. imagine for a moment. with me. everyone hold my hand. not claiming this is true but walk w me along this path to get to current paul that isn't "he's just repressed and stupid and doesn't even know he's bi" but is instead MY speculative timeline (somehow this turned into a mini fic or something god help me but I'M SO SERIOUS IM SO SERIOUS THIS WOULD MAKE THE MOST SENSE TO ME WALK WITH ME HOLD MY HAND)

you are born in the 1940s. you are raised by a strict man who was physically abusive & in a culture that hates gay people. you grow up watching people get killed for being queer and being bullied over your feminine features that people think make you queer. you hit puberty and Shit Gets Harder because you start finding other men hot. elvis, for one! when you're 15 you start seeing a boy around that you think is hot and it turns out he's in a band and you fall in love with his looks and his voice and then him. and he's just as insane about you. you start doing increasingly sexual things together. eventually, you're having a full blown sexual affair. while writing love songs together and growing up together. and then he gets his girlfriend pregnant. and marries her. and you lose him, a little bit. he goes off and has an affair with your gay manager & when he gets home he ruins your birthday party by nearly beating a man to death for bringing it up. you wonder what he'd do if anyone found out about the two of you too.

and then the insane happens and you end up The Most Famous Band In The World. the ENTIRE world is watching your every move. the entire world loves you. they wouldn't love you if they knew. you get a girlfriend and it's convenient because she's always gone and you're always alone. but you still have him. and other girls. through everything, you have each other. even when he says something stupid and the world wants all of your heads on a platter and he starts to fall into a depression, you still have each other. even if now you Know how bad it could be if they ever found out. and then your manager, your father figure, an openly gay man, dies. and it's not a suicide, but a lot of people think it is, and sometimes you wonder, and fuck it's terrifying, isn't it? the reality of your life, the reality of loving Him, the reality of being queer. what if that winds up being You? you start to lose Him a little bit more as you throw yourself into your work and push everyone way too hard. you propose to your girlfriend. and then you do lose Him. to a woman. which was sort of unthinkable because he was already married and never cared about her, just you. never cared about any women, just you. but he cares about Her. and you fucking lose your mind. lose yourself in drugs. blow up your engagement. propose to another girl and many more "jokingly". your one girlfriend says you had to try again or you would have gone "raving queer" and killed yourself. the whole time you're losing Him more and more. suddenly he's looking at Her like he used to look at you. you're no longer his world and what the fuck do you have? a bunch of girls you don't care about and a drug problem? and then you meet a woman who, according to you, is more woman than anyone else. she's a mother already, a family ready made when you've always wanted one. she's smart and she's funny and she's quick and you let yourself cling to her because you don't have Him and he has Her so you've got to have someone, don't you? and she winds up pregnant and that's great, that's wonderful, you're no longer in danger of dying alone and queer and sad. you've lost Him by now completely, even though you have about a month where things feel a little less awful again and you perform together one last time. you marry her and you ASK people, flat out, if they expected you to be a 26 year old unmarried queer. you fight the night before you're married for some unknown reason, so badly she almost leaves you. and then He marries Her, and everything is fine. and then it all falls apart completely. you at least had Him as your friend, your writing partner, the other half of you legally. and then he asks for a divorce. and the world ends. you don't have the band, you don't have Him, you don't have anything. you stay in bed all day, drinking, miserable. like a breakup, not just of the band.

eventually, your wife pulls you out of it. you survive. you start writing again. you write to him. you put two beetles fucking on the cover of your second album and he thinks a song you wrote about your wife's ex is about him (and maybe it is, a little) and he shoots right back. and you keep that up for a decade. writing to each other. seeing each other only in the news and in snatched moments together where nothing is the same as it was. you plead with him through your music: why do you hurt me so bad? call me, pretty baby. I'm waking up screaming over you. I can't tell you how I feel. you try and make things like they were, even a little, showing up to his house with your guitar like you're 15 again, but he sends you away. in all that time, he's basically gone to conversion therapy. he's with someone who makes disparaging remarks about his sexuality. for you, you've let yourself embrace being a bit campy, but you still can't bring yourself to be open about any of it. not with anyone but your wife.

and then you start talking again. you make up. things seem hopeful. it seems like he might still love you and he writes you a song about starting over with you. and then he's murdered. and it's senseless. it's so so senseless. and it's unfair. you lock yourself away for days listening to that song he wrote you. the media tears you apart for grieving wrong. they wish you died instead. they think you're cold. you never loved him, not like he loved you. you write a song, with tear marks on the page, telling him how much you DID love him. all the things you'd say to him if he were there with you. you write more songs about that, all centered around that theme. some of them you say are about him. others you don't. once, you say if anyone catches on you can just deny it. but he wrote you love songs too, apparently, for you, and you eventually record them with your old band

and the thing is, You are one of his widows. his name follows yours every time it leaves someone's mouth. he's all anyone ever talks about with you. he's all you want to talk about too. his legacy is your legacy. he's no longer here to tell people about his sexuality, he's no longer here to consent to everything that you were being told. he's not here. and how can you even begin to mention Your Own sexuality without bringing him up? you owe him more than outing him in death. you owe Her more than that too, because you were already cruel to her and so was the world. she's grieving just like you, you can't do that. your wife dies, and now you're her legacy too and you being queer would seem like a betrayal to her. your best friend dies, and now he's your legacy too. you aren't just you- you're Him, you're 1/2 of the living members of the most famous band to ever exist, you're Her, you're your dead wife

so when someone asks you about him. when someone asks you about being gay or calls him the love of your life. What Exactly Are You Supposed To Say?

I wouldn't say shit either

[tocomplainfriend]

SEE!? THEY DON'T CARE!

TW: Rape, SA, Homophobia, Misogyny, Misandry

The specific censored word with "-", it's for my own reasons and comfort. It's not censored up and in tags due to filtering! Sorry if I made mistakes like forgetting of filtering or similar, I haven't used tumblr much before!

THIS IS A R-PE JOKE! THAT'S WHAT I HAVE BEEN FUCKING SAYING! ONE OF MY BIGGEST PROBLEMS WITH EPISODE 4 IS THE FACT OF "we want to write an empowering story about men getting sexually assaulted. Men victim don't get that attentio-" BITCH, YOU MADE MANY R-PE AND SA JOKES ALL THE FUCKING WAY THROUGH HELLUVA AND KNOW HAZBIN! You are the one making fun of scenarios where your male characters get assaulted or r-ped.

HOW TF DO YOU PRETEND TO BE SOOO ABOVE PEOPLE (INCLUDING VICTIMS OF SA AND R-PE) THAT'S EXPRESSED HOW THEY FELT ON THE EXECUTIONS AND WHO WORKED IN EPISODE 4. WHEN YOU YOURSELF MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT????? For some context, Sir Pent is trying to get with Cherri, but always deflects first in case she rejects him. He offers her a drink, but immediately says it's because he'll buy a drink for everyone on the club. Then he asks Cherri if they can have sex- and deflects back (a repetition joke) "Because I'll have sex with everyone here". Then he gets dragged into a room by other people, yelling wait and no! And the door closes as you heard him scream.

Out of context in the screenshot, you might even think it might be a serious scene where something happens to Pentious. BUT NO! IT'S BRUSHED OVER REAL FAST AND PLAYED AS "HAHA SOMETHING BAD HAPPEN TO SIR PENTIOUS AGAIN LMAOO"- it's the punchline.

Then at the end of the episode he gets out asking "Where is Cherri" (who btw is having sex with a random guy).

And please don't say "Well, he asked for it"- you know how you sound. The whole point of the joke is that he is trying to get with Cherri and failing astronomically. The point here is that he really doesn't want to have sex with a bunch of random people, but he has to do it because he is getting dragged into a room. (Again, Pentious is like Moxxie Their joke it's getting trashed and bullied by the world or people around them).

You made a whole episode about dealing with a male character's sexual assault, abuse or r-pe. Saying how much you respect victims, and your episode, it's just perfect about the topic. BlaBlaBla- no, you don't. You made all this jokes since HB season 1. This new joke was episode 6 of HH. You never acknowledge power dynamics, or coercion. You never acknowledge anything bad in your show.

Remember, as much as this shows go for LGBTQ+ representation and Queer media. As a ""Female lead show"". This jokes link back (not only to making fun of SA and R-pe itself, but to) homophobia and Misogyny. A scenario of where a man gets SA'ed or r-ped by another man or woman- leads to a scenario where the character is made fun of for not being "masculine enough" for being a victim or for not being able to defend themselves. In a scenario where this happens by a man to man, "It's funny because the victim is viewed as gay. As less masculine = gay and that's bad cause gay = weak and feminine and the idea of feminine = weak".

(There are a few jokes here and there, like Blitzo touching Moxxie's dick after making fun of him for having a baby penis.)

If you didn't notice, Moxxie gets attacked by multiple succubus, and that's apparently funny. KEEP IN MIND is not basic physical violence-no he comes out with lipstick kisses marks, the sounds effects are (ugh)... and Blitz tells him "Don't let them access any of your holes". In other concepts, I want to point out that the times when Moxxie is viewed as a bottom or feminine- he is made fun of. When Millie pegs him, he is made fun of because he is the man of the relationship, being implied as the bottom. When he wears the outfit of unhappy campers, he is extra objectified or made fun of even more than in any other episodes. He is also forcefully put on a dress in his wedding.

He is made fun of for being SA'ed for being uncomfortable scenarios:

These aren't jokes made by characters that "are bad because they are from hell". These are scripted jokes written by a person searching for the audience to laugh.

AND the reason why many audiences accept this jokes or even find them funny is because of some of these views (internalized or not) above. You'll also notice how all these jokes are directed at men (if you find an R-pe or SA joke directed at a woman in this two show, say something about it! POINT IT OUT!). People accept and write these jokes more because they care less about the idea of a man being a victim of such situation. More often than not- in the present, a woman getting assaulted or anything similar in any media gets noticed and called out. THESE JOKES OR THE NORMALIZATION OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT, ASSAULT, COERCION, OR SIMILAR TOWARDS WOMAN STILL HAPPENS!!!! There is an idea that men just tend to just want sex all times at any time. -And that a man getting SA'ed or r-ped by a woman it's just sex, cause "Why wouldn't you like free pussy". When it's a gay perpetrator is viewed as funny cause "that makes you gay or a woman" and that's apparently hilarious. Men can be r-ped no matter what. Men can be targets of all of these acts.

Remember that all the scenes of sexual abuse, harassment and r-pe in Poison are directed by the R2. Who, once again, is into r-pe porn- and they themselves said they are not an SA victim either. So remember, not even a victim trying to cope with their own R-pe or SA. This person draws and ships "R-pe ships", and tags it as "naughty men uwu" bullshit. Also, a person so obsessed with the character of Angel that they changed their name to Tony (Angel's real human name), make themselves look like him, and become a sex worker like Angel. They themselves looked at a comic of Val threatening r-pe and abuse on Angel as "thank good you have balls to draw something mean with these too, I was so bored" ???? (this stuff is in:) and cosplay and take photos of your Val x Angel ship

Congrats if you as a victim yourself thought that the scene with Angel was good. If it helped you be and feel seen. But remember the rest of the show, the hypocritical writers, don't care enough to view it as a serious topic to not joke about. Both HB and HH written by the same people (as in Vivziepop), take their sweet time to turn these topics into jokes.

What pisses off more, it's the trying to make yourself be viewed as a sensitive person about such topic. Make it seem like you are a savior for writing about it in such "serious, powerful and not sugar coded" way. But then you drop that on the fucking ground to make a joke about it when you are tired of pretending you are so good. If you were so informed of SA and r-pe, you wouldn't be making these jokes. If you knew how much SA male victims struggle to get viewed as serious or their stories taken into account-you wouldn't be this shitty.

God, you are so proud of the joke too.

My poor snake guy... one of the few characters that I like-

[catoperated]

At some point we’re gonna have to talk about how toxic websites like 4chan and Something Awful (rest in piss, Lowtax) influenced trans spaces online.

I only ever used SA back in the day, and it’s now mostly forgotten that “troon” came from a portmanteau of “trans goon” (goon being a member of something awful, not like a gooner… but, eh, it’s still apt), though it was always meant to be belittling.

And then there I was, a transmasc egg surrounded by transfemmes. I didn’t know how to express that I wanted what they had but different, cause I seriously didn’t know trans men existed back then. All I saw were transfemmes, and most of them were transmedicalists. I got called a transphobe when I said wearing a skirt shouldn’t be a required part of transitioning. I have since met many cool trans ladies who aren’t truscum, but the scars remain.

At the time I couldn’t fully articulate how uncomfortable I was with the idea of transitioning to the same old binary, because I also didn’t know GNC was a thing. So for a time I was suicidal because I had no idea of the options open to me. I’m not sure that reading Theory back then would have helped. Having read Theory now (both feminist and communist), I’ve come to the conclusion people lean on it way too much, take it way too literally, never considering that the things proposed have to be adapted to changing times and circumstances. It’s almost like evangelicals interpreting the Bible literally—to everyone’s detriment.

My point being, you can read anything, watch any YouTuber, but for fuck’s sake form your own opinions instead of just throwing books and videos at people like it’ll explain everything and also must be followed to the letter. It won’t, and it shouldn’t.

Yeah, I was also briefly suicidal over leftists dogpiling disability activists for daring to get groceries delivered or using plastic straws. Only other disabled people probably remember this, but it was perpetuated by that butter cat account, which was the most surreal fucking thing to watch unfold.

I’m just tired. Tired of self-proclaimed feminists failing to recognize the patriarchy is what makes us all suffer, including cis men, and that’s the real enemy. I know radfems are largely to blame for pushing the “all men bad” narrative again with the express purpose of dividing trans people, I’ve seen them cackling about what they get away with on accounts where they pretend to be trans. It’s sad people are making their work so easy for them.

I don’t hate or resent transwomen (I can’t remember if the space is preferred or not, but I’m sitting here sweating over it, afraid someone will call out my language when “troon” is already up there), but here I am right back at that awful feeling I had when trying to say skirts should not equal femininity. Fuck, I would probably be suicidal again if not for my partner, who is the best thing to ever happen in my life (love you, babe).

I don’t know how to word this better or more succinctly. My mind wanders a lot when writing. But it’s not just me, right? I see the schism forming and it’s bad for all of us, because the people who want us dead do not care how we present ourselves or how well we pass. We desperately need to support and uplift each other if we’re going to survive all the shit they keep throwing at us all in governments across the entire goddamn world.

So yeah, we need to look at how those websites poisoned the well, as it’s where that mentality of “if you’re not queer/trans in the proper way I deserve to call you a slur” mentality comes from. The pickme urge to go “I’m not like those cringe fags/trannies, I’m one of the cool ones,” too. To reiterate, the people who want us dead for existing do not care one way or the other.

Fuck, why am I worrying about how I word this? If people are gonna interpret this in bad faith there’s nothing I can do to stop them. I just wanted to get this off my zipper-tits—which I’m stealing from you fuckers who use it against transmascs. I got my dirty testosterone fingers all over it and it’s ruined now, sorry.

[odysseys-blood]

theres a lot of back and forth about paimon especially so i just wanna put in my two cents about it bc speculation on paimon and gender can be tricky and theres a lot to take into consideration. this isnt an end all be all post and not the best written but im just speaking from my place as someone who is trans (though i myself am tme) and works with gender themes in my own characters so this is gonna be kinda long

So! Paimon

a lot of the issue from the back and forth stems from how paimon is written by default. When you meet paimon, he's designated as just a pretty boy that likes to crossdress and they emphasize heavily that paimon is a man every time they talk about his femininity and how he presents himself.

Now crossdressing itself is not at all transphobic, hell drag is a big thing and its not uncommon for queens do figure out that they're transfem when they get into it. In fact a lot of queer people do push to erase gender boundaries within clothes because in the end....clothing is just cloth wear what you want be who you want to be, whether it be a woman wearing masc clothing, a man wearing femme clothes, or anyone just wearing something neutral feeling.

Where it becomes a problem is the push to enforce paimon's masculinity at every turn. While its good that paimon isn't a character that's put in to be played for laughs (as feminine men and trans women often are in media), it comes off odd in a way for paimon to have a feminine voice, dress femininely, love feminine things...and then at every point have it enforced heavily that paimon is a man. THAT is where a lot of the issue stems from at when you see it happening as someone who has seen transmisogyny (if this is your first time seeing the word, its transphobia that arises specifically for a trans woman being a woman. ergo the word being a mix of transphobia and misogyny) in practice it looks worrying. When you're someone who knows how to spot this kind of thing it can feel like paimon's gender nonconformity is being demonized (while they also highlight it. its an odd mix).

This isn't to say that it is a concious thing that's being pushed either i'm not saying the writers are personally transmisogynists at all, HOWEVER since transphobia and transmisogyny is rampant in society to the point where it subconsciously controls biases, thats how it can come off transmisogynistic. Think of it as similar to racism: even if you think you yourself are not racist theres still likely biases you have picked up or have been taught just because theyre so pervasive in society. This doesnt mean its your fault it just means its something that you have to unlearn conciously and put in the work to do so.

This is also not just a problem with whb because again like i said, its systemic. Think about other characters in media who are written this way, such as Bridget from Guilty Gear, or Vivian from Paper Mario. While these two are different in that their status as trans women have been solidified, the treatment they've gotten is largely the same. Especially bridget considering how she for the longest was the poster child for the "femboy" archetype and how femininity is enforced yet also discouraged in these characters until she was finally labeled transgender in gg strive.

All this to say...its messy and theres a lot of points to consider so there really isnt a reason to go at each others throats. Using paimon's canon pronouns and gender isn't exactly a problem and neither is choosing to instead see paimon as a transgender woman and using she/her pronouns. But at the very least it doesn't hurt to educate yourself also and understand why paimon's writing can come off transmisogynistic and transphobic. WHB is not a game thats heralding itself on being progressive (even if there are aspects to it that might seem so) so there's not much to expect from it in that regard but still we can be mindful and discussion isnt bad.

(also a footnote i dont think ive seen any transfem or tma players of whb in the tag....ever but if anyone is and wants to add on or thinks ive overstepped let me know)

[butch-with-a-deep-voice]

Hello! I recently found your blog and wanted to thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. Your posts about your journey in learning to embrace queer masculinity and your butch identity have been an absolute Goddess sent. If you have the bandwidth and are open to sharing, I would love to hear more about your process of separating masculinity from manhood and embracing queer masculinity. As a fellow trans femme trying to figure out if Butch works for me, I keep hitting roadblocks in learning to appreciate and embrace those masculine/chivalrous traits without identifying them with my formative experiences. I'm Colombian, and chivalry (unfortunately wound up with a lot of machismo) was essential to my upbringing. I resonated a lot with what you shared about pursuing hyperfeminity to leave behind masculinity, and I have reached a point where I can't sustain the hope of waking up and looking like Barbie one day and working toward appreciating the mortal coil I have and stage of transition I'm in. I apologize this got so verbose but I hope it made sense lol

Hey! So this was sent in a few days ago and I wanted to give time to sit on it. This is such a complicated and honestly deeply personal process. One person's relationship to masculinity will look entirely different than another.

It's been a process that I've been working through honestly most of my adult life, even before transitioning. I think there are two major factors that proved the most important, and they're pretty linked with eachother.

Find examples of healthy masculinity that speak to you.

I will preface that due to the nature of media, these will primarily come from men still. It's gonna happen. That is okay actually, it will lead into point 2. Finding healthy examples of masculinity was so necessary for me because masculinity was so wrapped up in just constant negativity. The harm so many men cause to women/queer people. Toxic masculinity and how those who perpetuated it shaped nearly every waking moment of my childhood/adolescence. The entire "anti-men" issue that fully plagues feminist and queer spaces, and how in most of those spaces men are hated on so casually you're looked at funny if you call it out.

Finding examples of both manhood and masculinity that were healthy and safe was so important in being able to reclaim masculinity. As a trans-feminine person I was never going to be able to even start to look at the process of first separating masculinity from manhood, nevermind reclaiming masculinity, if I wasn't able to first view both as not inherently bad. So, I'll provide three of my top examples of healthy masculinity that played really integral roles for me during the early phases of healing my own.

Lord of the Rings Now this is pretty much everyone's go-to, especially if you're a nerd like me. But there's good reason for that. While Tolkien has his slew of problems, from lack of women in the books, to the racist undertones of Orcs/Goblins, his works provide plenty of examples of healthy masculinity. No one would ever say Aragorn isn't masculine, he's peak "manly man". And yet, he's gentle. He's a healer. He recites and writes poetry (to the point that Bilbo goes to him for advice on how to finish a verse). He loves flowers and art and history. He's masculine, but he's unafraid of being soft, and he uses his masculinity to protect. To lead. To love. Not for malice. Samwise Gamgee is frankly a rolemodel to me. I used to joke he and two other fictional characters were my type in men, when in reality, they were my butch-coded role models (Malcolm Reynolds and Milo Thatch). Samwise is still firmly masculine. But he's the softest sweetest man out there, and I hope I can live up to the healthy masculinity he performs daily.

William Prince William is an Indigenous Canadian folk/country artist, who comes from the same neck of the woods I do in terms of region. His music has gotten me through so many tough times I can't even begin to express how important it is to me. One of the biggest reasons he is on this list is so much of his music explores being a man in a healthy way. Whether it is being a father, to the importance of healing your trauma before it hurts those you love, to the importance of being vulnerable as a man in general. Top three songs for some great healthy masculinity imo are "The Gun", "That's All I'll Ever Become", and while it isn't necessarily masculinity focused, "Run". My only other note with him is just uh. Don't listen to the "Gospel First Nation" album. He went a little "born again" during Covid and it nearly killed his career.

Arcane The writers of Arcane wrote gender so well it's ridiculous. You will find plenty of people on tumblr discussing how well it did women, but I think there isn't nearly enough praise for how well they wrote the men in the series. I could go into it more, but honestly, this video essay by my favourite video essayist Schnee details it beautifully (I'd also watch the sister video to this one about women in Arcane, it's pretty great). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBNUgGhPZzY

First and foremost finding healthy examples of masculinity in your life and the media you consume is so important. Find ways to separate those masculine traits you know you want to embody from the toxic ones like "machismo" as you put it. That way you can get into the next part.

Address Internalized Shame Surrounding Masculinity

This one is a doozy. I'm still working on it if I'm being honest. (I would also like to note that a lot of internalized shame work should be done with a professional if you can access one). Shame rules our lives if we let it, not just with gender. It affects everything. Work, family, food, hell shame makes people feel shameful about getting an extra hour of sleep here or there. It makes us hate when we want to just. Relax. It makes us hate when we ask for our needs to be met. Shame work is something EVERYONE should do, ekosi.

But as a trans person, whether or not you decide to claim butch, you MUST eventually look at that big ugly stain that is your shame with masculinity. Even the most hyper feminine of us trans-femmes must do so. Hatred and shame of men and masculinity will continue to fester if left unchecked no matter what. Yes, many men have done terrible things. Yes, we live in a society that favours men to the umpteenth degree and perpetuates toxic masculinity and patriarchy. Yes, as trans-feminine people we were and sometimes still are, associated with a lot of those perceptions and beliefs. It's an awful feeling and it makes you hate yourself. Part of why I went hyper feminine is because of how much I hated my shame. I was so shameful of being born male. Shameful of the fact that I was a "threat" in feminist spaces purely for existing. Shameful of how intimidating I would become if I ever raised my voice because of how powerful my diaphragm is, on top of my already large demeanor. That shame will eat you alive if left to persist, regardless of transition.

That shame must be dealt with. Masculinity cannot be shameful. I'm a complete buzzkill in a lot of queer and feminist spaces because I shut down sarcastic anti-men jokes pretty damn regularly. I shut down the joking perpetuation of the bi "all women and one (1) man" stereotypes. I shut down "ugh men" jokes. Whether or not people who make those regularly realize it or not, those jokes continue to tell men, cis or trans, they are unwanted in queer and feminist spaces. That their very existence is worthy of shame. (and no, the "trans men are an exception" thing doesn't provide an out. They're men too.) It is biphobic, it is transphobic, and it perpetuates colonial patriarchal systems still in place. That cannot be the case. Part of feminism is making masculinity a healthy thing. Part of why it is okay if your personal examples of healthy masculinity end up all being men is because men performing healthy masculinity adds to the overall de-shaming of it. Gender stops mattering when you de-shame masculinity. What matters is healthy masculinity as a whole. Once gender no longer matters for healthy masculinity, the next step of separating it from manhood kind of already did itself.

While there are other small things I've done throughout my life that helped with the overall separation of masculinity and manhood, that in turn allowed me to claim butch for myself, those two steps were absolutely integral in the process. I hope you're able to find things that work for you, and that these examples of mine were helpful to you. Thank you for the wonderful ask 💕

[shotofstress]

if women (women, not girls) that consume a lot of yaoi/BL bc horny, sexism, sexual frustration, dealing with their traumas, misogynia and patriarchy in general via using gay and queer bodies and stories for it, while at the same time that saying that yaoi and similars is not about gay are queers and is just about women readers and authors desires and pains, put all that energy in making works about women outside the norms of patriatchy and also work with gay and queers to make patriarchy fall we would have been living in a better world long ago. Been agressive when ppl point out the problems that have caused, ignoring their feelings, and saying is fake and that it doesn't affect them is not really the better way nor really showing humanity for the people that is trying to talk to explain why affect them. We can't ignore japanes gay men that since the 70s have speak about it, how the og "fujoshi" author (term that was reclaimed by the group) told one gay author back in the day that "my gay work is not about gays, is about japanes women trying to exist outside japanes patriatcal society using gay male bodies and sex, fuck u and ur identity", and caused in response a new genre (gei komi) among other things (that are not excent of critic of course and are complex too), as well how gay and queers from other countries have speak about it (in relation to yaoi and western media like slash fiction), even leading to the creation of the term "yaoification". This is like when brown and black women and ppl have speak up about how white women (and others bc we live in a society) use works portraying them in terrible situations just to have catharsis, to have a voyeuristic and empowering vision by taking the position of the oppressor and the opressed. Or western woman doing that with japanes women bc that is not talk enough and ppl usually focus in western men seen japanes women and lesbian works made by and for men.

Perhaps continuing with the heterosexist and heternormative patriarchal narrative of a stereotypical version of a passive feminine small man and an aggressive and possessive masculine tall macho man is not the best way to deal with patriarchy or to improve your life or the lives of others (men like that exist, but is not the only way of being). There is a deep misogyny in addition to the dehumanisation of queers. Why some women don't want to write about a new society with new roles or ways where women are not opressed by their society and culture? where their bodies and miends are free of all that in place of using the body of men bc is not subject to that but holds power and more freedom? why don't portrait women/female bodies with that same freedom or even better? This is something that gay men should ask themselves and what was thr historical context of it and why there is this a thing for some women (I think western men or not Japanese men don't know this things nor have cared to learn the context, and it's important even if at the end of it u still don't agree).

Perhaps continuing the patriarchal narrative is not positive for anyone no matter how empowered it makes you feel or how safe it makes you feel (especially when you have to read things that portray gay or queer male rape as love or other forms of abuse using us as if we are an object, a vessel, a trope or something similar that is not so unlike how feminist women have pointed out and criticised how men have historically portrayed the rape of women.). Justify it by saying ‘but straight and gay men do and read yuri to use women and lesbians for their pleasure’ is not the great defence some may think it is. Nor is it a great defence to say that gay men perpetuate patriarchy by using cis women, reinforcing heterornorma or mocking it.

Patriarchy is patriarchy and it doesn't make one thing justifiable because there is another. It's not surprising that we don't fight together if you can't even point out the bad and don't get knocked down because they are unable to accept two things: you make mistakes and things that have consequences and you can work on it while fighting alongside other groups for the main thing.

Maybe we all need to read not only works about the sex lifes of opressed groups wrote by women under their cis het female view of gays or queers (constructed by capitalism and some media for profit) or even just women or anyone writting using people's identity in taht ways, and read more gay fics, manga, and books written by gay men, queer books written by queer people for queer people, maybe they need books written by women that don't use trauma porn, maybe they need to talk to safe people in safe spaces, get support and community from women that don't reject women and help them celebrate and be ok with their bodies, desires, dreams, lifes. Gays and queer should help with that. Perhaps you need to read complex books made by women, about their experiences or their views about their world and they creating new worlds and universes, and not only fics made books or mangas by greedy capitalists that don't care if is bad wrote and lacks life as if women coudn't be capable of enjoying better works with awesome complex women protagonists that speaks to their minds, hearts, and bodies. Maybe people should discover the books of, idk, Clarice Lispector, Lydia Cacho, Anaïs Nin, Susan Abulhawa, Alejandra Pizarnik, Ursula K. Le Guin, Shirley Jackson, Alice Hoffman, Sahar Khalifeh , etc.

God forbid women wrote tons of life changing books and other artworks about been a women, human, life, bc everyone gonna ignore them, including women.

Women having grown up and still living in a world where being a woman is dictated by men (about how they should think, how their bodies should look, the way they should talk, eat, desire, dress, love, what to work on, etc.) should understand the criticism and discomfort towards certain works and their creators and surrounding culture. Women are trying to exist outside of patriarchal logics and not just be through a patriarchal lens, gays and queers are also trying to do that.

This is not about banning women, trans, agender or gay, lesbian, queer, pan, bi or other people from reading or writting queer literature, erotic literature, or shipping. If that's what you got out of it, well, I ask you to read it again some other time. And while you are on that also question why some gay men in Japan find better to say that they are fudanshi (male version of fujioshi) than saying they are gay (if they say it at all) or how in a research in Japan asking if ppl knew queer characters a lot of them said they weren't sure even when Japan is the great producer of yaoi/BL (gonna give u a clue: bc state queer hate, homophobic laws, and capitalism profiting on queerbating and similars). Did u know that yaoi have more animes and ovas than the basically non existent gei komi bc its not seen as profitable bc who is gonna want to watch gay anime made by gay men, this even when yaoi produce billions of profit?. So yeah, of course all this has relation with capitalism, but as well with misogyny, nationalism, homophobia/queer hate/trans hate, cultural aspects and history of Japan post war and traditional expectations, exotism, racism, etc.

Enjoy the recommendations, maybe u end up reading along side a women, gays, queers, etc and find out things and experiences in common.

[joys-of-everyday]

I just watched ContraPoint’s Twilight and so clearly, I need to write about BL. She even told me too! (2:42:40)

Firstly, if you know anyone who goes “why is BL so xxx (derogatory)”, this is an excellent video to point them to. Yes, it’s 3 hours long. That is how thoroughly it defends BL Twilight.

Secondly, I don’t particularly want to discuss whether I agree or not with the finer details of every statement Natalie makes. In broad strokes, it is an excellent video.

I hope from point 1, 2 it’s clear that I don’t want to reiterate too much that the video covers, so if you have time to do anything, I recommend going to watch it. That being said, I think there are interesting points to go deeper with the slightly different perspective of BL, so I’ll jot down some loose thoughts.

DHSM

So apparently… Twilight is yaoi coded? I’ve never watched or read Twilight in my life so maybe I’ve been sold the wrong impression.

Yaoi, and then BL, has always been constructed on narratives of power and its subversions. Pio makes an excellent post here linking to a neat interview which covers, from a different perspective to Natalie (who focuses on straight romance), some of the conversations around power and fantasy.

Natalie defines a framework in which this narrative exists: Default Heterosexual Sado-Masochism, or DHSM (1:26:47). This is a series of dichotomies that are often associated to each other: masculine, active, subject, lover, dominant, top… vs feminine, passive, object, beloved, submissive, bottom… Yes. It’s seme vs uke, gong vs shou. The criticism and defense of such narratives have been well-trodden, and Natalie gives a good account. I’ll leave that for now.

What I find interesting, and what Natalie mentions, is the natural scope of BL to subvert DHSM itself. Notable is the myriad of tropes that seek to subvert the common dichotomy – the feminine seme, the muscular uke, the younger seme, and so on, so forth. Or works where both parties play the roles of gong and shou – WWX’s active pursual of LWJ’s affections… hell, almost the whole of MDZS is LWJ being reactive to what WWX does, flipping the dynamic in its entirety.

But I think that even in its most standard, vanilla DHSM version of BL is already subversive of these expectations. The almost infamous “but I’m a man!” uttered so often by the uke when faced with the affections of a man (wow, gayness, how terribly exciting) can be interpreted as mild homophobia, yes, but it occurs to me now that it is a subtle marker of agency. The uke is surprised to be the object of desire. And thus we learn that object/beloved is disjoint from womanhood, even if the work doesn’t go as far as to untangle it from femininity.

Is that surprise in itself referencing the default view that men are not objects of desire (women are), and therefore problematic? Who knows. Then again, it do be the case that you can’t comment on a thing without presenting the thing. (*cough* Scum Villain *cough*)

Ah Power

“Is it really fine though?” says Natalie, halfway thought the video. (1:23:07)

I’ve defended BL to the moon and back. I still would. But always there is a little person sat in the back of my mind reminding me of all the moments I cringed. The overwhelming DHSM, the casual misogyny, the slightly bizarre takes queerness… Don’t get me wrong, there exist BL works flying in egalitarian gay space communism, and BL isn’t like… uniquely bad among media despite the frequent bashing it gets (have you watched the average shonen?). But I like BL. That’s why I know intimately all the issues it has.

My gay male friends tell me that BL often disappoints them because it’s not reflective of their experiences. Fair enough. I think a lot of BL (by the nature of what it is) is on the whole reflective of female (and Asian) experiences/perspectives. While I have no intention of telling anyone what they can and can’t write, it… idk, feels strange, that so much of society’s perspective on gay men (overwhelmingly so in Asia, and increasingly so in the West) is shaped by… not gay men.

Food for thought.

Another question that sometimes strikes my darkest hours is… why yaoi and not yuri? Why BL and not GL? Well it turns out that a lot of women (the main target audience, if you weren’t aware by now) are into men (Surprise!), so I guess that’s not particularly surprising. Then again, it seems reasonable to think there’s an element of wanting a blank slate. Woman is Other, said idk… Beauvoir. For a woman to woman, there must be a reason she womans. A female character cannot exist without navigating – explicitly or implicitly – social structures that work against her. Even a world that removes those barriers with the good old worldbuilding becomes commentary on today’s society. And ngl, the last thing I want to be thinking about when reading my escapist fantasy is the unfortunate circumstances we live in (*big sigh*).

Is that internalised sexism? Should I think deeply about my biases and my apparent inability to think of women as just people? Maybe. Sorry, my political correctness is not high on my mind when reading smut.  

The seen seen, the desire desired

Who are you attracted to in BL? Some say you (the obviously female reader)(I’m feeling exceptionally sarcastic today, but I realise this doesn’t translate well to text) are meant to relate to the uke and feel attraction towards the seme. From experience… this doesn’t track. Often because erm… the audience of BL isn't all straight women it turns out.

But an interesting point that Natalie raises is the capacity for a reader to relate with characters in what are perhaps unexpected ways (cf Part 6: Identity). BL often jumps between the perspective of seme and uke. If straight fantasy gives women the opportunity to relate with both the desire and desired, then BL gives the capability of being everything at once – the powerful beloved, the pursued subject, the desire desired - through both the uke and seme. After all, how common is the sentiment “I don’t know if I want to fuck him or be him”? (I’m gonna digress and say I don’t think people mega-braining multiple POVs as they read BL, but I will highlight the way BL tends to portray both parties as loving and beloved.)

There’s something inherently voyeuristic or polyamorous about BL. Natalie states that blank slate characters are blank slate as to not generate envy – blurring the identity of the uke enough that they become indistinguishable from the reader. This is not the template of BL. The uke is often just as developed, if not more developed in character than the seme, with the reader’s capacity to relate to multiple POVs meaning they can see the uke from the outside, as separate, as object, as Other. Either the reader disappears in the narrative, everywhere and nowhere at once, or is tucked between them (“I want to fuck/be fucked by both.”).

Representation

In general, I prefer to be excited about what we do have rather than nitpicking the individual. Works that subvert tropes, tropes that subvert tropes, authors trying to better understand the queer community, conversations around what media representation we want to see etc. etc. get me excited. BL broadening its scope from escapist smut fantasy (tbc, nothing wrong with that) to more “mainstream” slice of life/fantasy type works is something I welcome. Some bits of BL fandom have been some of the nicest I’ve seen. It’s a community that I think is special, and whether I think media should be child friendly aside, I think it has the capability to be a really positive influence.

It strikes me that while BL isn’t reflective of the most standard gay male experience… it is, in some way, a gay male experience.

And I say this in a way that is literal for me and my trans brethren, but also maybe this is true more broadly, in an abstract sense. Natalie suggests that women relate to big, hulking alpha men in romance with a masculine element of themselves. When/if you relate to characters in BL, do you relate to them with a masculine element?

Well, not always and not everyone, and the gender of the characters themselves are often more complicated. ig what I’m trying to say, is that BL might not seem like an accurate reflection of the world to some, but it is a reflection of something, and maybe we should value that.

And as a final remark, I don't think anyone needs to intellectualise their interests as hard as I sometimes do. Keep enjoy what you're enjoying. You're doing great :)

[crowtrobotx]

There was a trend on Tik Tok where people would say “I think he wants a man” to ANYYY vaguely feminine male character whenever women simped for him it was awful and sometimes they weren’t even women they were transmasc

This is so not shocking to me but still gross af.

You see this stuff all the time; on the surface it’s just nasty people gatekeeping characters and you want to just write it off as stupid behavior, but then you realize it perpetuates so many horrible ideas. Namely, “women must be made fun of and shamed for anything they find exciting or fun” and “men who are effeminate/campy/etc. must always be strictly gay and there is no room for interpretation or else you are delusional/problematic.” And when you try to challenge them on this discourse they try to gaslight you into thinking that you’re actually the homophobic/bad one, or you get told “lol it’s just a joke it’s not that serious you WEIRDO!”

And you’re so right, there’s such a revolting amount of trans and nb erasure in these discussions! I know of multiple trans and nb folks who have been misgendered because these dipshits see someone they assume is a woman who who writes/draws/enjoys m/f content and they’re like “clearly this is an affront to the real queers and I alone can defend my fictional blorbo from harm.” I saw someone in this very fandom post an insane rant about “women posting their nasty breeding kink content” when the author of the post that prompted it had “man” as the first thing in their bio. 😭

Like. Variety is the spice of fandom. You don’t have to agree with someone or vibe with their takes. You are free to complain in private to your friends, block, or unfollow. What happened to just letting people be or, even better, opening your mind to multiple takes and ideas? The people who try to force these communities to be as homogeneous as possible are absolutely unfathomable to me.

It’s all just so simultaneously misogynist, transphobic, biphobic, and homophobic all in one. Congratulations, we have hit the Idiot Jackpot.

[hanszoe]

hello, i wanted to ask you about your opinion on amab intersex hans in canon. it's mostly a head canon, but i feel like it could work for both manga and anime.

i haven't read the manga yet so i don't have the context of how they're depicted in it aside from a few panels i've sought out

to preface, i think that attempting to analyze hans' experience with sex and gender on the basis of canon is pretty pointless. the material never appears to address it, they're depicted with female secondary sex characteristics and often speak masculinely, that's the extent of their canon depiction as far as i'm aware of. isayama can get away with his "who knows" specifically because of his lack of addressing it (though if i remember he has said he initially wrote them as a cis woman, and other interpretations of them came after). in the anime and maybe a panel in the manga i haven't checked they do contrast themselves with men once and speak from the type of violation usually associated with misogyny, but that says nothing about their sex

on their being intersex, the experience under amab umbrella is probably so vast hans could have had so many different experiences. i'm not intersex and consider myself quite uneducated so i'd prefer an intersex person be the one to write about what hans' life might have been like if they were amab, but i don't think that it's an invalid interpretation of their character. isayama probably wrote nothing of their past specifically for reasons like this anyway, both to avoid actually depicting them as queer and also to leave it up to fan interpretation i guess (your pick of good or bad faith there).

what is the precedent for intersexism within the walls, is it possible for eldians to be so since there was apparently some "God's will" type genetic editing going on, does random mutation and what we're familiar with as nature still work the same way, have there been sex assignment surgeries, would hans have been a victim of one, if so how did others treat them when they developed female secondary sex characteristics, would they have faced difficulties entering training on account of it. so many things that could have happened to them.

as far as my analysis of them and their reasons for joining the survey corps and wanting to leave the walls it wouldn't be out of place at all. i feel that they simply faced "something is wrong with hansi". ironically bigotry is often vague in this way. i want to believe that to define something, to truly want to understand it on the basis of what it is, even if it means making up new words, is to love it. (also very much hans and titan research. maybe it's a reflection of what they wished someone would have done for them). a double edged sword, but the kind of faith hans has in particular, "i wish you wouldn't group me with them" about those who misuse it, that's what i mean.

my only small thing is that the origin of their sex and gender even being in question, re isayama originally writing them as a cis woman, is that the illustrations of them must have been "not feminine enough" for some readers, which led to the "what are their primary sex characteristics" type of question. though i am not intersex, i am someone with a body that compels strangers to question something similar. hansi's existence, at least as the character that was illustrated by isayama and is interpreted in our world, began as someone who was supposed to be a cis woman, but was degendered on account of their appearance. there is a violence in that too that i don't want to overlook. hans may be amab as much as they may be a cis woman. there is an important sharedness there, though one of course cis women have a much greater imperative to understand.

thank you for your ask!! i want to see more of hansi, i want to know everything about them that they would comfortably share so that i can love all of it too. if they're intersex, if eldia didn't have the medicine nor the words to describe them, if they've never even known what's "wrong" with them. i wish they had a creator who would have given them that voice.

[ahopelessprincessreincarnation]

Hey there, my name(or more so an internet alias currently at the very least)is Emanuel Marco aka Daniel, Julian or Edgar and welcome to my official alternative and somewhat not-exactly-secretive more diary-type internet journal space known as my blog on my brand new Tumblr Dot Com blog(aka where you are right now). I am a teenager and soon to be adult in my real physical life that's not on the interwebs, but I feel more as if I am some sort of childish adult, or atleast have felt grown up for awhile now due to stress. I guess you could say I'm "mature for my age" but that's barely the case to be honest with you and besides, I've sort of come to associate that term with creepy older men attempting to chat inappropriately in private direct messaging or whatever. Lmfao anyways, while I do want to keep my age a little vague for the reasoning being of an attempt at interweb safety(despite how far too late it seems considering other stuff at the moment), what I can say more in depth is that I am a neurodivergent person who is professionally diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum along with ADHD. I am considering that I may have other neurological conditions/disorders but I don't really know or care too much at the moment, by the way, I am also a white-latino who is bilingual in both English and Latin-American Spanish despite how I may struggle with the language along with attempting to reconnect with apart of my culture. I am an LGBTQIAPlus/Queer community member and supporter of other identities that I may not even fall under completly, though specifically I am a genderfluid bisexual aceflux person who uses both he/she pronouns(please don't use they for me unless I specifically asked to, thank you). I used to identify as a transgender male(ftm)but due to realizing the amount of harm being inflicted on women of both cis and trans due to violence and misogyny, I thought the most correct thing to do morally would be to stop being such and to instead just lean into more masculine types of gendernonconformity(I am still pretty feminine though so it's just an idea I guess lol(Please know that there's nothing inherently wrong with transitioning from female to male or something male-ajacent or whatever, I know it's probably more complex than just "all men are bad" like no duh but still, it's been really hurting my heart that I could possibly be giving off the idea that misandry is real or something roflmao. Sorry if that explanation is stupid, but I'm not the best at phrasing stuff sometimes♡).

For what I am going to be posting on here, it's probably gonna be different from my main page and other social media platforms but at the very least I wanna keep my alternative/side-blog more clean and organized when it comes to my interests and other stuff relating to my thoughts and ideas for different types of subject matters. While I am am an admittedly mostly digital artist and animator who intends to make more stuff involving my inspirations such as making more gay yuri anime and bara yaoi manga style graphic novels/comics, I want to use my alternative page/side blog to write not only fictional stories involving my original characters and even fanfiction, but also stuff about my life almost as if they were written storytime videos that would usually he formatted visually on my YouTube Channel. To be honest with you, I've been looking more into stuff involving the subjects of alterhumanity, soulbonding, therianthropy, fictionkin and just otherkin over all on here atleast. I don't know how much more I can possibly explain without falling asleep since it's night where I am on the planet Earth at the moment, so this is probably just gonna remain as a temporary pin but please keep in mind that updates are probably going to come soon♡.

I know nowadays on the interwebs and most public mainstream social media platforms, users usually put some sort of "before you follow" and "do not interact" criteria as a set of boundaries specific for those who want to support their account and become mutuals with them. Since I want to avoid any sort of needless drama situations or scenarios involving meaningless discourse, I am just going to leave my simple requests here for those who care enough to read through my little ideas of what I consider to call my own boundaries♡:

•Obviously, first and foremost, please just be normal as you would not using the computer or phone infront of you which means...use basic common sense and maybe possibly even kindness perhaps I don't even know anymore. This specifically means no racism, xenophobia, ableism, queerphobia/LGBTQIAPhobia and so on. If I do something that's considered any of the above, I can assure you that it was an accident and to please educate me on whatever I have done that may be offensive or wrong since I recognize I do have certain privilege♡.

•Secondly, please do not come to me if you support problematic fictional media or internet communities such as lolicons/shotacons/kodocons, radqueers, pro-paraphiles, fujoshis/fudanshis or himejoshis/himedanshis, proshippers/comshippers/profiction/darkshippers or whatever other name these groups go by nowadays atleast or enjoyers/condoners of feral nsfw content. I am against these groups due to the harrassment, sexualization/fetishization and grooming that runs rampant in these specific internet spaces though please don't attack any minor users in these communities. Many of the younger ones are traumatized children who don't have many healthy coping mechanisms and while these habits should absolutely not be encouraged, they still should be guided and helped into the right direction by others who know better atleast♡.

•Thirdly, If you are apart of other insensitive and hurtful groups such as endogenic/non-traumagenic "systems"(that's not how being a system works dummy), if you support mspec lesbians or male-lesbians aka "lesboys"(you literally cannot be attracted to men while being a lesbian or be a man and also identify as a lesbian so please stop making non-men loving women and the rest of the LGBTQIAPlus community look bad because you're literally just scared to admit you're straight or bisexual or something I don't know???) and others who use marginalized communities in order to hurt others by disregarding their concerns♡.

•Fourth, my last but not least important request, is for you to leave my alternative/side-blog(and other social media platforms if you know who I am yet somehow)if you support the unneeded cyberbullying towards those who may seem "cringeworthy" but in reality are harmless and at worst cheesy on their own(Examples being neopronoun/xenogender users, alterhumans/therians/fictionkin/otherkin/soulbonders etc or furries and cosplayers). Humanity can be very beautiful when using all of our differences for good and not for evil, otherwise we end up creating a very ugly and nasty pathetic excuse of a community for us all to reside in. We all have a story to tell, whether we're comfortable sharing or not and at the very least we should attempt to be understanding of others despite how cheesy such a thing sounds I know. Just please bare with me here)♡.

So it seems I've gotten atleast almost all thw words of what my brain wanted me to pour out onto the screen as I sometimes carry concepts that are hard to explain with me even through textpost lol. For those who care, my DMs are open 24/7 though sometimes I may not be motivated to reply exactly on time(again, please bare with me here. I know it sounds dumb but still-), now I'm gonna be signing off until something pops into my mind and makes me attempt to come up with a coherent post again, yours truly ~AHopelessPrincessReincarnation.

(P.S:Thank you to the kind internet strangers on here who have happened to wander onto my post somehow[maybe through the tags listed below]and were able to read through my whole, long and crushed up pinned introductory textpost. It means a lot to me that certain people on here are interested in what I have to say, so your support is very much not only appreciated but cherished! You all really do rock)♡.

Have a great day or night wherever you may be in the world right now and please never be afraid to check in and stay tuned for more>:]♡.

[dwarf-vader-of-middle-earth]

Hah, I had to drive out and grab a box of pasta to cook since grain moths ate all my others again. Anyway!!

On the drive home, I thought she was gone. LONG gone. But I swear, I saw my old neighbor and uhh... "friend" whom I haven't seen since... 15 years ago? Yeah about then. She was a garbage asshole.

I was so close to this girl for years, we talked on the phone every day for at least an hour or two, and we hung out whenever we could, and we shared all our secrets with each other.

But that "friend" kept saying I was too masculine a girl, that no guys would want a girl stronger than they are. I'd have to give up MMA and videogames and all around be more feminine if I wanted guys. And she tried SO DAMN HARD to convince me to give up being masculine as fuck.

She once asked about what boys I liked. I told her about the boys I was interested in, and she noticed they were all "outcasts". Not the popular kids. Not one guy on my radar was in the popular crowd. She wanted exclusively popular boys, and said I should also be seeking to gain the attention of popular boys instead of outcasts, because everyone should want to be popular!!

Mind you the popular kids are the reason I wound up in therapy with PTSD all these years later.

We had our second ever sleepover one night, and the next morning I went to make her chocolate chip pancakes! On my own!! She didn't even ask!!

But they weren't good enough and so she called me the next day and said she didn't want to be friends anymore because I made bad pancakes. She blocked my number, and in school, since we attended the same school together, she would literally cover herself in a hood and duck into crowds to avoid seeing me or my mother who worked the kitchen there.

Even her own father couldn't figure out why she was acting as she was. He tried to figure it out, and he was a great guy, but his daughter HATES him to this day for literally no reason. She didn't even call him dad, she used his first name to refer to him, even when talking directly to him.

I haven't seen this girl, heard from her, etc. in 15 years at least. I thought she moved away.

But I saw her tonight on my way home, and I laughed. Because I am nothing she wanted me to be. At all.

And her? She looked MISERABLE!!!!!

I'm the gayest manliest dudebro ever, and I love men. And well... men love me, too. But they don't love a miserable sexist sod.

And yeah, my life is far from beautiful. It's nowhere near perfect. But at least I'm living as my original and authentic self, not a carbon copy of what a bunch of asshats deem is worthy of recognition and praise just so I can gain their false favor and be at their whims as a literal puppet that spews hate and disdain for anyone different.

For frame of reference, those same popular kids told an actual legitimate long time friend of mine, word for word, "You have to leave <deadname> if you want to be popular." That friend wouldn't do it. She turned down popularity and stuck by me through and through until graduation.

Those same popular kids jumped me, ganged up on me, and threw food at me several times a week every week every year until we graduated. Even outside of school, I could not leave my house because they literally waited in the trees to spew swears at me from above and throw acorns and bark and stones.

Toward the last two weeks before graduating, I legally changed my name for transition purposes. I had deleted everyone I knew off all social media unless they were a close friend, and changed my media name as well, and nobody but 1 person has found me since in the following 6 years.

None of them know where I'm at, where I live, what my name is, they most likely cannot and will not find me. And that's how I like it.

Leave me dead to the fuckers who hurt me. I was dead to them before I changed my name, and what difference does it make that I killed the girl they knew and became the man I am today? I'm me, I'm an author who writes queer fiction mainly about men like myself, who all find the men of their dreams and they kiss, and it's great. I've got two books published in print paperback currently, and a bunch more in the works! And best of all is I've currently got another trans guy, also super masculine, who likes me and we've been talking!! And the feelings he's got for me are pretty mutual!!

Dudes love other dudes that are confident and capable and authentic. They don't like carbon copies of a damsel in distress that can't think or act for herself because she's so worried about losing the favor of the ruling populous.

Fuck the majority, and fuck what anyone else thinks of me. I'm gonna fuck a gay man and snuggle him as we make out dirty while giving the mental middle finger to all those who told us we weren't enough.

[st5lker]

the corporatization of the lgbt community is why im gonna be honest im kind of tired of the focus on effeminate gay men in media (both real and fictional). and i know that saying that really sounds like a "gay people i respect vs gay people i dont" meme help but i really have nothing against feminine or "flamboyant" gay men at all or the ones that wear makeup and are fit the popular trope like i absolutely dont think we need to be like protect masculine gay men and i do recognize that many gay men like that exist in an authentic way. im just tired of the fact that every time there's an open gay man in media where his gayness is relevant it's a james charles clone.

i was thinking about this when a friend told me about web-weaver which is a newer spiderman and although its really not all that egregious and i dont have any particular problem with it i honestly would have liked it more if a gay spider-man had literally any other type of personality. and thats bc whether its a real person or not nobody will tell the story of a gay man Unless they're, like all popular drag queens right now, designed explicitly for white cishet girls to go Ooh Boots The House Down Fruity Pink Gun Girlypop to. and i dont hate it because i think that type of gay man is "overrepresented", i hate it because i know companies choose them because they're profitable.

honestly even though i say feminine as a shorthand it isnt even just showing feminine gay men, its showing this very specific trope of one. there are soo many ways that gay men express femininity and gender nonconformity that dont manifest as a fashion/makeup obsession and supermodel poses and snappy "reads" but these versions of them aren't as profitable, wont get as popular, wont get as many people writing articles about how queer and transgressive it is since it doesn't fit the popular corporate pride image of what a gay man looks like. like, in web-weaver, his love interest is a male version of silk that doesn't fit the trope at all but imo still expresses plenty of femininity and gender nonconformity just in a less explicit way. and like, cool! but why was the decision made to make this gay man a love interest that appears for like 3 panels so far. why couldn't that have been the personality of the protagonist. why couldn't you have made the love interest be the effeminate and flamboyant fashion designer. hell make him the deuteragonist and include him more than silk was, i dont care.

again its not that i think its "wrong" for them to have done it this way but it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth because like, even though yes gay men like this authentically do exist i still know the reason they chose to make the first gay spider-man this personality was because that was the most profitable if not only profitable option. if the protagonist had silk's personality then the comic wouldnt have been talked about as much, period. it's the same reason it took this long for there to be gay protagonists in the first place. sure there was homophobia from the executives involved, but even if the publishers were the most progressive people on earth, it didnt matter because it wouldnt be profitable. nobody in the general public wanted to read a story about a gay superhero. now, the only people that do only want to read about ones that remind them of drag race.

[chicknparm]

22 for your spotify wrapped

22. Casual - Chappell Roan

Oh thank GOD I get to talk about this I was really hoping someone would pick this one. No artist frustrated me more this year than Chappell Roan. So this will double as a review of a particular song but also venting my feelings about this artist and her reception over the last year or so. I'm gonna have to talk about a lot of outside stuff that doesn't have to do with the particular song, but hopefully you guys are used to that by now. I read a lot of Pitchfork in the early 2010s, I'm sorry.

Chappell Roan is very obviously going to be a star. Sooner rather than later. My introduction to her was on New Year's Eve in 2022. I was at a friend's house, and somebody showed me a few of her songs. Casual was among them, but we'll get to that soon. The most lasting memory of that first exposure is being drunk and dancing around a friend's living room to a song called "Femininomenon." It felt affirming and empowering and all of those buzzwords; dancing to a catchy beat and lyrics about how boys stink, dolled up and embraced and accepted and welcomed as Feminine. From what I can tell, this is the exact experience Chappell Roan wants people to have while listening to her music. It was basically the perfect introduction.

A few weeks later, I remembered Femininomenon while I was at work, and couldn't get the hook out of my head, so I hastily added it to my general playlist and queued it up. Friends, I know if this post ever breaches containment I'll be torn to shreds, but that song is Ass. I'm sorry, but calling something "camp" does not excuse bad creative decisions. If we are going to bring out the torches for Taylor Swift writing "in the pub we, are watching rugby" then I demand the same for "hit it like rom-pom pa-pom, get it hot like Papa John." It sounds like music for a Dreamworks Dance Party Ending if they made an animated adaptation of Drag Race. It is a testament to the power of Friendship and Alcohol that I ever enjoyed it.

Later, I listened to a few more of her songs, and found a frustrating and recurring theme. They were all better than Femininomenon by a considerable margin, but had very samey lyrics that felt like they were treading the same ground over and over again. It just felt repetitive. I dunno, it just bothered me for some reason. What were they about? Oh, well, you see, the thing is...um, well, about that, uh, ya see, what I'm trying to say is...*writes "I will not wade into Queer Discourse on a Spotify Wrapped review" 100 times on a chalkboard* Sigh. For an artist who I saw heralded as a "new queer icon" it was annoying that most of the songs I first heard were about how much dating men sucks! To be fair, she also does have songs about feeling liberated being with women, but hearing Femininomenon, My Kink is Karma, and Casual, all complain about men just reminded me that she may be a queer icon, but not for people like me. Much in the same way that I was put off by a girl in college saying I "couldn't understand Mitski because she writes about the quintessential experience of girlhood," I was also put off by the assertion that I must make way for a new icon, and give deference and reverence to a narrative that excludes me.

Wait, did I mention Casual there? Aw fuck! This was supposed to be a review for that song!

So uh, the thing is, Casual is basically a perfect reinvention of the classic lovelorn country song? Yeah, they play up Chappell's southern roots in a lot of her music and promotional material, but it comes through crystal clear on this song. The structure and melody feel exactly like the old country songs I'd hear at my grandparents' house, but the lyrics are youthful and conversational and explicit, with the chorus opening with "knee deep in the passenger seat, and you're eating me out, is it casual now?" The sleek, modern production keeps the song from feeling out of place among her other, more danceable singles, but the lyrics and vocals are still powerful and raw. I derided Femininomenon for having lyrics that boil down to "boys stink" but Casual feels like a genuine and specific grievance. It feels lived-in and genuine in a way that reminds me of Taylor Swift's "All Too Well," which if you know anything about my tastes or about Swift's fandom in general, you know that is a gargantuan compliment. Chappell's vocals are always a highlight when they're allowed to shine, but they fucking soar on Casual. When she hits the final "go to hell" on the second(!) bridge it feels so cathartic, and so earned, and feels like you just got done venting about a situation that had been eating you up for ages, which is precisely the tone she seemed to be going for. She fucking nailed it. This song is impeccable. I cannot say enough good things about it.

So why did I spend so many words bitching earlier? Well, for one, honesty. When she blows up even more, which she will, I don't want to pretend I was a Day 1 Ride or Die. I want the record to show that I have some Concerns. But the thing is, I opened this review by saying that Chappell Roan frustrated me. Not that she made me angry, not that she annoyed me, but that she frustrated me. That's because I found some aspects of her songwriting and presentation (and fandom but that's not her fault) grating, but I also saw obvious and undeniable talent. Even My Kink is Karma is a fine song on its own, but the sins of Femininomenon stain it too, in that the pleasure (explicitly, in the former) comes from talking down the shitty men Chappell has to deal with. Many of her other songs carry the even more egregious sin; corniness. While nothing as bad as Papa John, singing about "fugly jeans" and, uh, the entire bridge of Red Wine Supernova bring down otherwise good songs that are more concerned with sharing winks with a specific audience in a specific moment in time, than creating art that holds up on its own merit alone.

A couple years ago, there was buzz about a young up-and-comer named Olivia Rodrigo, maybe you've heard of her? She blew up with a gargantuan hit ballad filled with melodramatic teen angst and verses that were sung in cursive, years after that style became a punchline. "Well, this is a bit shit," I thought. But then when I listened to her album, there were a few tracks that I liked, most of them being more energetic with some pop-punk influence. "It would be cool if she went down this power-pop road, she's super well-suited for it," I thought again, though I assumed she'd try to chase Phoebe Bridgers in the Hunt to be the Heir to the Swift Throne. I think I was wrong on that one! From what I've heard of Olivia's newest stuff, she's bringing the shiny guitars and bratty/aggressive vocals to the forefront, and I really enjoy it! It is really nice to be pleasantly surprised, to be glad to be wrong about something.

That is why I'm hard on Chappell Roan. That is why I find the overwhelming praise irritating. Olivia Rodrigo received endless praise for one of her worse songs, and caught lawsuits and plagiarism allegations for one of her best. It is a goddamn miracle that she resisted the urge to double down on the sadgirl schtick. Chappell Roan has a terrific voice, biting lyrics, razor-sharp pop sensibilities, star presence that most would kill for, and can write hooks that rival the very best of my lifetime. The girl is money. Which is why it worries me that most of the praise I've seen for her focuses on such surface-level criteria. Quirky presentation, referential lyrics, and a crosshair on the current queer zeitgeist can certainly help your success and give you a few trendy tiktok audios. But she's got skills that can carry her forever, and no song in her still-brief discography showcases them better than Casual. In a few years, The Youth will inevitably laugh at what we now consider trendy. And Casual will still be a perfect song. If I live to be 100 I'll still be listening to it. I hope Chappell Roan makes me look stupid.

[duncebento]

wanna hear me rant bae

i’m very frustrated with my romantic prospects at the moment. it’s bad enough to be a woman in the world in general because it means you’re always playing a game you didn’t necessarily sign up for in which you almost always lose. but beyond that being a black “woman” means that people project all of this weird random shit onto me, which affected my feeling about romantic interaction from an early age since i didn’t interact with any other black kids until high school. regardless, minus anything on my end what i want from someone else seems so fucking rare— or, i see people who exhibit it, but they’re all around 40, and the prospect of waiting 20 years….it doesn’t seem like something i should have to do, anyway. i just feel romantically wrong. when a man has his arm around my shoulders i feel like i’m pretending to be something i’m not. if i’m not pretending then i can’t escape the feeling that he’s going to collect whatever he needs from my honesty and then go back to someone more feminine, more normal, less monstrous (and not black, lol!) and i sound like a dick saying this but while i think dating black people could be helpful in some ways, i don’t actually have a lot of cultural connection to blackness, given that i grew up only around asian kids (had to fight the urge to write “other” there help) in a fucking country club, and my family are caribbean immigrants. i do love being black but cultural blackness is something i actively participate in, and have only been participating in, again, since high school. there are too many boundaries i operate at the cusp of to not just be a sort of freak to most people. even my queerness is hard to place. i think i’m so cool, but an acquired taste, not something any majority of people could contend with. but it gets difficult as time progresses to truly perceive that i’ve never been treated nicely by men. i know that in refusing to objectify myself i have always alienated myself from romance. and then the virginity, the abandonment issues, the daddy issues all intensify everything. experimentation and trial become impossible because everything is so suffused with meaning. i think that remaining “a virgin” until this point was a mistake, the sort of trick society would play on a woman to keep her knowledge-less. i am in a power imbalance with every man i’m sexually interested in. i think about hiding my inexperience— but how shitty is it to have to do that? to have to shield yourself from your lover? but now it’s too late, anyway, i’m far too easily bruised to attempt to do away with my virginity randomly, which just means my inexperience is stoked for another year, another year. i’m always thinking these days of plath’s poem about virgins like rotting nymphs.

but that’s all big stuff, and i’m after something small, which still seems impossible to find. a man who can contend with me for a month or so, so not an idiot or a conquistador. 20 is a very fucking lonely age to be.

[starspaceace]

being on vacation with my dad has reminded me why i went a period of time no contact with him like. my brother put it like he’s 50 and like a libertarian which is kinda cringe get a real opinion old man. i’m going to rant because i need to write shit down

i kinda need to rant a bit like. i went no contact for a while over an argument with my brother living with him and him treating my brother like shit while that was happening but honestly i haven’t gone more than a day with my dad since i was 16 because when i was 16 i could just drive myself back to my moms house instead of doing like the weekend visits and getting into arguments every weekend but im on a week vacation with them right now

my stepmom saw that i like don’t shave my legs and wear clothes from the mens section so she’s like ‘well if there’s anything you want to tell us we support you :)’ which is. kinda funny in itself assigned gay by hairy legs but im like ok easy opportunity i guess to go well is this a gender question? they know im gay but this is a different thing im like sure non binary im not like a man but woman isn’t right yknow and she’s like well we support you :) but she i guess she tells my dad? and since that he’s upped like the “well you’re always going to be dad’s little princess” like thats a thing he’s always done (which has been and would still be annoying as someone who still identified really female. my brother doesn’t get that treatment yknow?) but it feels more. bad. also my brother and his girlfriend call me carl as a nickname for carley and my dad was weird about that like ‘her name is carley! tell them to stop calling you carl’ and asked if i would change my name to something else. like. its just a nickname even if i would change my name it wouldn’t be to carl. carl is a fine nickname until im one of them they/thems? there was also some weird comment at one point about how everyone’s bisexual now (which? my brother is just a straight man so its not even like we’re both gay its literally just me) (should’ve picked an easier to nickname name all carley gets is carl sometimes) my brothers girlfriend is with us and put it well like my stepmom just enables my dad. idk

like i told my brother its so hard to misgender me but my dad’s managed to do it somehow. like i know i see myself nonbinary but im short and fat and my voice is feminine so im just going to be perceived female? i still use she/her pronouns so like. whatever. its a thing i’ve accepted about myself but as long as i feel good about myself generally it doesn’t matter. my brother said it didn’t seem like it’s purposefully malicious but its still. something. im not sure what kind of word im looking for it. i think its just disappointing. im just wondering if they’d be like this about me being gay if i actually was like. dating. if i was “/really/“ gay instead of theoretically gay or gone on a date with one girl once gay. but since im like here and queer! im not queer in an acceptable way anymore?

in related issues my dad has like a lot of opinions but like no fucking opinion at all on anything like ? all politicians are corrupt but also socialism is bad (not exact words but like. the gist. food stamps welfare etc etc ) vaguely racist ideas (ie easily deniable, not sure he even realizes the things he’s saying are such) and throwing out weird buzzwords. called the backseat of us in the car millennials when we’re pretty solid gen z (like does he not realize he’s? like 7 years older than the oldest millennial? not far from that man you’re gen x). like if you’re going to be conservative just commit instead of pretending you’re not

my brother has been really great to be with through this experience of dealing with our dad tho in both making fun of his opinions and my gender stuff. making sure he’s not misgendering me (like asked if id rather he said sibling, i think im still ok with sister. or like my pronouns) we’re funny about it tho he said if i changed my name it should be to wolfgang or maybe pull a power move and just change it to his name and we have to fight over it. been making me feel better about everything instead of being bummed out about everything.

anyways my brother was playing our beach playlist we made and he put on one mcr song we put on there and my stepmom was like well carley can have one song but this isn’t my cup of tea but we’ll listen to it for her and i texted my brother like damn i can’t even have my gay song. they also hated on international love by pit bull so maybe they’re just haters. it’s tuesday and we’re here until saturday morning and my dads birthday is tomorrow so here’s hoping to uh. nothing eventful. worst case we drove here seperately and leave :P