.........lmao
so I was remembering the way I had to start wearing a training bra when I was like. seven or eight. and I hated wearing it so much that I would like hide it at the bottom of my drawer and try to sneak out of the house without it. (I was not allowed to go out without it, my parents were always on me about that.)
and I'd always conceptualized that as me just not liking my body being talked about the way it was now being talked about but sitting here in bed at age 33 I finally was like
wait there are times that I have to be really careful about wearing bras (or really anything that puts any pressure at all on my ribcage, including just well-fitting shirts) because that can cause rib subluxations. also, I regularly dislocate my shoulder while putting on bras.
and now I've got my head in my hands over here, because I swear, part of having chronic illnesses is just constantly recontextualizing your weird childhood behavior!!!
like I used to get in trouble a lot as a kid for sitting scrunched up at the dinner table (like crosslegged or knees pulled up to my chest) and when I went to Mayo to get diagnosed at 17 the doc was like "does she sit all curled up a lot?" and my mother was like "???? yes?????" and it turned out that was a behavior they'd noticed in a lot of kids with POTS because we had such weird blood flow problems.
(and yes, my mom then felt bad for yelling at me for it for all those years. lmao)
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being unwilling to accept degradation on any level as a woman makes people so mad at you lmao. no i will not exist and walk around like i am here to be performative art and not a human being fuck you
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this is one of the absolute most insane dean moments in the whole show i am chomping on glass. IS MOM STILL OKAY OR WEIRD? SHOULD I CALL YOU MARY??????????
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just thought of being scumbag patricks pretty little girlfriend and saying you love him mid-stroke and he groans, puts a hand over your mouth because you dont mean that shit - he's gonna pretend he didn't hear it, cause hes bad for you and you falling in love with him would be fucking awful for you both - doesn't stop him from fucking you deeper though, immediately after you say it. like the words have a lasso affect and his hips crash into yours, not parting this time, just grinding his cock inside - way more intimate than he usually allows. biting his palm, wrestling your mouth from under his palm in defiance like the brat you are so you can pant and whine another breathless "i love you - i love -" he fucks you harder until the words fade out into moans. acting like his balls aren't twitching to unload inside you the moment you said those words, like its just to shut you up, the desperate slam of his hips, and not like the confession means anything.
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