how did u choose your username?
oh, this is a fun one!! i think i considered being swordtold at first, for that very ancient myth vibe of the sword being this narrative tool for adventure and structure and physical time, the parable being passed down through the centuries until it meddles into modern day rhetoric and ideology – a kind of fantastical tool, a spark of magic, of possibility.
i like the arc of the story of a place being physical / having it be held by time and hand alike, wearing with the years and having it become something different to each holder, each reader, each experience fantastical and individual.
having that kind of physicality to it; swordheld is the action of taking up and holding the sword yourself, choosing your own narrative, leading your own story. self-identity has always been something i struggle with (a novel concept i know, i know), so it felt right for this blog, since most of my older blogs before this one have been just me silently reblogging and never really posting anything myself, and i wanted this to be the change to that.
i've always had trouble wranging my social anxiety, esp. on the internet, and previously thought that keeping my words to myself helped keep the timeline cleaner, in a way, no messy thoughts for others to sort through, especially ones i believed no one would want to read anyway? but it never felt right, keeping myself apart from it all, esp. not in the way i so avidly enjoyed reading others' posts and additions, keeping their words close to my heart.
i wanted it to reflect that this was a space i was holding for myself? and i'm a little slow on the uptake sometimes, but this - this i think i got right. i love being here, on this blog, and the joy that it brings me. everyone else enjoying it too has been a wild ride that i never expected, and still surprises me, one that brings a little extra thrill to my heart whenever i think about it.
i had other urls that i liked, but i didn't want this blog to be tied directly to any of my fandom/story interests, since i wanted it to really just be a sort of archive of artistic inspiration and resource, like a little library or museum. i use them now as lil sideblogs of more niche interests now, which is rather lovely.
it hasn't always felt like it fit perfectly, the way that i'd like, but for some reason i can't think of really wanting to change it anytime soon. it feels mythic yet modern in a way that feels like puzzle pieces finally slotting into their place, something my own and inspirational to me, like a lantern i'm holding to make my way by. my own kind of light, if that makes sense – a star i know by name.
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the outside
week 3 of @ttpdpoetryweek
apologising beforehand because this is not my best and I’m submitting really late. my poetic side has gone due to too much physics and finals
The Outside
I look from the outside,
I look at you,
You smile softly, lighting up the room,
As I stand in the dark cold.
I wish I could take it back,
Take everything back,
I lose sleep over the fact I walked out that door,
And since then you’ve looked me in the eyes no more.
If only I tried to be better,
I swear I’m trying to be better,
But you found better when I left,
You found better because I left.
I’ve never been the kind who always needed someone,
I never really thought I needed someone.
I said I can’t do with you,
But really, I can’t do without you.
Now I’m outside,
I walk towards the door,
The same door I slammed as I stormed out of your life,
And I knock.
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fuck you if your son cries because you insist he’s killing your daughter
and fuck you if your daughter cries because you insist she’s killing your son
and fuck you if your child cries because you refuse to see them and love them the way they deserve
and if your parents refuse to love you, find a parent who will, because they do exist.
if you need to, you can send messages to our ask box that you wish you could share with your parents, & we'll offer you the love & pride you deserve 💜
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dehradun days
you meet them for the first time,
knowing it's probably the last.
might as well make the most of this time,
since life comes at you fast.
you find the strangest of signals
in the no-network zones.
cross-tent communication with folks,
just rambling about the unknown.
there's the warmth of shared laughter,
that carries you through freezing nights,
and you look up at the flickering stars,
to finally see things in a different light.
and at 11,000 ft above sea level
you finally reach the peak,
just to realise the joy was in the journey,
and the friends you made that week.
you'll visit caves & splendid cafes,
and remember the city in mere parts,
but years later, you'll still tell everyone,
how dehradun captured your heart.
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