#> and i hate venting abt it. i hate that i a) have to b) am telling ppl c) seem to always be venting abt the same fucking events

[scamoosh]

this is gonna sound whiny but nonbinary ppl can immediately tell when u just see them as their agab jsyk👍 its just frustrating 2 b surrounded by other queer ppl and even in those communities without fail if i make any comment abt period cramps or having worked in childcare or shit like that theres an Immediate shift to like oh okay ur actually a Girl got it . like . there was anothr nonbinary person i used 2 kno who had zero problem using the right pronouns for me until they heard how high my voice was on a call once ☠️

[doodlboy]

Auuugh

[grantihare]

mother in law stole my fave pj pants cant have shit in this house

[starberry-skies]

is it relevant to staple my identity to everything i do? prob not. do i kinda have to do that anyway bc otherwise i'll interact w ppl who hate me? yup

[waloeders]

hungry hangry post mini breakdown? meltdown? but if i leave my room ill get overstimulated again and repeat the breakdown meltdown cycle. :(

[jrueships]

Biggest squicks with the nba fandom?

squick?? AW, that's a cute word!!!! im stealing that now, thank u anon! for squicks in the fanfom.. hm um probs colorism towards dark skins & its unseen seen effects . i feel this way toward Fandom in general and life lol. U'll see it everywhere of course.. huzzah..

anyways yea. i feel like the nba should have a way bigger Fandom on here as a sport, i mean. At least bigger than some. The players don't wear a helmet so u can see their emotions, their expressions! Everyone's taking high quality pics up close! The ball isn't the size of a pebble going 50 mph like in hockey lol. There's no helmets!!! U can see them!! Like! I love it! I love seeing faces! I love football but it's the celebrations that rlly make it, esp when it's a pretty wr who u just know is gonna take his helmet off and do smthing funny for the cam!

But that's also probably why it doesn't have a big tumblr Fandom .. u can see their faces .

Even if u couldn't, u'd eventually see most of them aren't white so. Yea .

And abt the colorism aspect, most of the players that do have a big Fandom are light skin. That's why im not the biggest fan for 'all x positions are x' bcs i feel like that's a big thing in football where all qbs are bttms. Which is funny, and i can see it! Im not trying to ruin ppls fun! But when u see how a majority of qbs are usually white for most of history.. and the ones that aren't get some attention if they look like Tua .. but if they look like lamar jackson.. good f'ing luck trying to find bttm fics for that even tho dude's got a bbl . Even tho i believe in switch supremacy for a lot of ppl (lamar included), i feel like i gotta fight for more ppl like lamar even being able to bttm at all.

Meanwhile ppl like luka or Joey b are just automatically always bttms bcs. Yea. They're 'pretty', so u just gotta apparently. But ppl will say jrue holiday is pretty! But does he have any fics at all of him bttming? Nah. Don't gotta for him. Hm. Wonder why ( I know) .

And with the rise of biracial nepo baby kids in the nba, some of them rlly gravitate to the pg position bcs it's like the head of the machine, and they think they can run that well with all the experience of their pops. So all pgs being bttms are kinda just gonna turn into that qb scenario where it's all light/white pgs are bttms and the other guys can be included thru spoken word sometimes but Def not on paper. And I hate saying this bcs i feel like a Debby downer or smthing. I'm not even trying to call out anyone or anything, it's rlly just a personal vent noticing thing that i can't point out specifics to, i can just say I've felt things.

Ppl go into Fandom to have fun! I'm not trying to police shit. This is all personal venting. But like im here to have fun too, and when u happen to be able to notice more stuff, u kinda just. Notice it. And it doesn't feel fun

And I'm not saying they're totally ignored, dark skin ppl in media. We're def modernizing somewhat . But when dark skin ppl usually ARE included, it HAS to involve a lighter sided person. And it's usually the lighter person bttming and the dark topping. And like i can get it, u know. Sometimes it's just the personality dynamic where the appearance happens to have that! But sometimes the appearance seems to overwhelm the personality aspect, or the personality just isn't showing that strength in the fic and it starts to feel. Weird.

I'm not saying all ships where the lighter one bttms are bad tho. I'm not. But I am saying that it fucking sucks to always have to fight hard against 'absolutes' when the absolutes are always against u . Like. Idk. When i had a luka ship with dennis (a black player whos not lightskin) and mentioned how Dennis was a bttm and all a sudden i got an ask abt how luka can't be a top . Like. Alright man.

U know, cus it's like. U'd never get someone defending idk. Jaren like that. Unless ure me Lol. But that's the thing, like it always has to be me or smthing against the world which is fucking stupid bcs i hate that thinking. It's so selfish! Which makes it less fun to be in the Fandom sometimes bcs it feels even more isolated in an already isolated space sometimes. But that's a personal thing. Anyways

Yeah. It's just tiring sometimes.

It's like the only ships that have white/black player where the white guy is a top.. the black guys GOTTA be a power bttm or SMTHING to explain it like. We have to explain why our beloved princess white guy isn't bttming to idk some black dude lol. But if u reverse that then the white guy bttm doesn't have to be a power bttm bcs no one blinks an eye bcs it already makes sense to them or whatever. Lol.

Lol ..

[unknowinglydeceasedlol]

idk who needs to hear this but you *can* relate to someone’s struggles with a specific disorder without having said disorders

it’s honestly one of my biggest frustrations when you’re venting about a disorder you have or see people talking about it online and then you see people chime in “omg I didn’t think I had this but I relate to this so I have it!” and i don’t mean those people who have genuine concerns about having a specific disorder. (fyi, if you have genuine concerns regarding a specific disorder you may have, this isn’t about you!! it’s perfectly valid to stumble upon a disorder you didn’t know existed that explains your situation perfectly and have questions about it <3)

i’ll use this as an example but if someone is currently struggling through cancer and they vent to you about extreme exhaustion and fatigue, most people wouldn’t be like “omg I feel exhausted and fatigued too!! i must have cancer!” but would probably say something along the lines of “ive struggled through exhaustion and fatigue myself due to other reasons so i can understand what you’re going through and how you feel.” it’s okay to have questions about disorders and want to know more to maybe better situations you’re going through/ are in but just seeing one thing you relate to and claiming a whole disorder because of it can be very damaging to the people who have said disorders.

as someone with a cluster b personality disorder, there’s already so much stigma around them and that’s excluding all my other disorders/ problems. i’ve seen people who have no idea what BPD is, relate to a small portion of it, claim it as something they have with no research into it or professional advice, and then unknowingly play into stereotypes or spread more stigma about it. there’s so much more to a disorder than one or two things you see someone posting about. there’s also a lot of other things someone could have that also change how disorders present themselves in different people.

a person can have disorder A and vent about it but what you don’t know is that they also have disorder B, C, D, and E. although their main post is about disorder A, disorder C, D and E can also be big factors in it without you knowing. you might be relating more to the disorder C and E aspect of it over the “main” disorder A part of it than you really realize.

the purpose of me saying all this is not to be hateful, “gatekeep”, discourage people who genuinely have concerns, want to participate in genuine conversations about these topics, or for any other malicious reason. im just coming at this as a person to who’s genuinely really exhausted. it’s already so hard living with certain disorders and then you see people online who glorify, romanticize, or even fetishize certain disorders while cause harm to those people who genuinely suffer from it.

i stumbled upon someone’s post on a different platform and her whole shtick was “i have BPD but I’m uber normal abt it and not bat shit insane like literally everyone else who has it + having FPs is totally amazing and not super draining and exhausting” and it was honestly heartbreaking. her whole reasoning for having bpd was that she got obsessive over people she was in love with so therefore it was her FPs and got depressed if they didn’t spend time with her.

if you’re genuinely curious and have real concerns, please do your hardest to research it and/ or seek professional advice if possible. don’t put others who have the disorder down when they don’t meet or work with your agenda. thank you.

[chlorinecake]

I just saw what that anon said and I can really really relate I feel like there's no way I can like them cuz I'm black I feel like. Weird for having a crush on Ni-ki cuz I'm black and even though I know there's no chance anyway cause he probably doesn't date fans obviously lol It makes me ashamed especially because people are always saying "what if / he probably doesn't like black girls/people" and it makes me feel like I'm less beautiful because I'm black and even if he did date fans I mean I'm like SOOOO ugly like atrocious but it makes me feel like even if I was a little bit more pretty he wouldn't like me or would dismiss me cause I'm black or like I wouldn't be good enough or he'd be disgusted or disappointed or weirded out because I'm black and a fan /has a crush on him and besides him it makes me feel like enhypen wouldn't talk to me or treat me the same cuz I'm not Asian or white like I couldn't be a fan or wouldn't be as important or pretty or cool or even just they wouldnt want me as a fan or like me or even look my way cause im black its gotten so bad that people dont evn have to say that anymore (they do but they dont have too) for me to think that way. Like I know we all saw that pretty engene video with that girl with the glasses and i couldn't help but make it about race like thinking would they look at me like that or would I be ugly abd weird cause I'm black ? Or if she was black would they still think she's pretty? Or would they even put the camera on her if she was black ? Anyway I'm rambling but being black is something I struggle with even without people saying the group I like or the guy I have a crush on (Niki obviously) wouldn't like me or would hate me for being black . Or they would be uncomfortable or disgusted with me because I'm black so it's just hard to even see myself meeting them or *even to imagine myself in reader fanfics even if the reader's supposed to be black because I've convinced myself that the only way I'd be pretty or attractive or they'd be friends withe or date me in Ni-kis case is if I was white or Asian* (*just talking about from a fanfic standpoint for this one* but yeah) but yeah it sucks and

Okay, I REFUSE to sit here and let you talk down on yourself like that. I don’t care how true you may think it is, YOU ARE NOT UGLY, Mirah ~ You’re beautiful, from head to toe, melanated skin, curly hair and all. Black women are beautiful, it’s disgusting to me how society has brought some of us to a point where we feel insecure, undesirable, or unworthy of affection from others. My words might not do much to encourage you, because finding confidence (esp as a black girl) takes time. But I really urge you to understand that you can’t expect other ppl to accept you when you don’t even accept yourself. Wish I could give you the BIGGEST hug rn, bc this actually hurts to read :(

Another point, I’ve seen plenty videos of Enhypen (along with other kpop groups) connecting with colored fans in the same way they do with their supporters of a fairer complexion, but I won’t share any of those videos here bc I don’t want you to seek “proof” as a way for you to feel better abt yourself.

On the flip side, let’s say that some ppl in the kpop industry DO have a prejudice (which I’m sure some do): your life and happiness isn’t dependent on their validation.

Let’s not even get started on how a lot of Ni-Ki’s favorite artists are black (Riki Jackson ? Bro would’ve never called himself that if he was racist)… but anyway, colored people like any other group of individuals can b really amazing once they get past their insecurities and embrace the way God made them. Jst know that u can always come to be if your struggling with something or just want to vent <3

[rukiveris]

[ vent post ? ] i wonder if i should forgive them or not ...

if u dont rlly care abt my cringey ahh story u can scroll away XD

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im not going to mention their real username here , so i'll call them as B and K . K is B's younger " sister "

around 2023 , me and some of my close friends found B's youtube channel .

B was and is still a problematic person . he , alongside with his friend group , would harass other ppl , steal art and post n$fw art on youtube ... ( he is a minor . )

at first , we would said some mean things towards B like ' u should quit ' , ' touch grass ' and stuff like that ...

( mind u , we were very childish and stupid at the moment )

but when we realized B might have had mental illness , we would stop harass him and we told him to ' take a break ' and ' get help '

even though we were sincere , B did not listen and started harassing us back . he would tell K to repeatedly tagging us in their posts and vids to harass us .

they didnt stop there .

B and K sent my friends threats , inculding grape threats . they also s3xualize me thru their n$fw drawing of me , saying that i have big breasts and made me feel extremely uncomfortable .

( that is not my body type . heck , they didnt even know how i look like and still have the audacity to say stuff about my body .

besides , me , B and K are literal minors . )

bcuz of their constant harassment , i took a long break and delete my youtube channel to focus on studying .

after i finish all my exams , i return with a 2nd channel .

but somehow B and K found it even though me and my friends never tell anybody about that channel .

i blocked their comment so they wont be able to comment on my channel . but instead , they stalk my channel everyday , nit picking on every single posts i made ( those posts arent even related to them )

they even attacked me for expressing my own opinion abt their idol ( i didnt even know that was their idol in the 1st place . )

i even made an apology post for B and K , apologizing for harassing them and i also forgive all the things they have done to me . and tell them to leave me alone .

but they didnt listen and they would say that i have to do a face and voice reveal in order to be forgiven ... i'll never do that .

bcuz of it , i abandoned my 2nd channel and changed my username completely .

im now on my 3rd channel ... they havent found me yet but i hope they wont be able to find it .

thinking abt it again , i wonder if i rlly should forgive them ...

i want to move on but they pretty much fcked up my mental health . bcuz of them i always feel on edge whenever i post stuff online .

im scared that they will find me and harass me all over again . i hate being stalked like that .

they could be finding me rn , idk ...

me and my friends already stop harassing them for over a year already and yet B , K and their friend group haven't stop yet . they still want to continue the arguments .

i was sincere abt the apology . i didnt even seek their forgiveness , i just want to be left alone . idc if they still hate my guts , but still ...

im tired of them already .

T_T

[k1rad0esart]

Boundaries (and stuff)

My ask are always open so any oc questions or AU questions or some art requests are always welcome 😋

other blog: @kimkimwritesstuff

ABSOLUTELY NO BULLYING ALLOWED!!!!!!!! I WILL BLOCK YOU!

HOMOPHOBES,TERFS, CHILD PREDATORS/GROOMERS, PROSHIPPERS, OR ANY OTHER HATE MEDIA DNI!!!

Stuff abt me: B-day May 25th Latina🇬🇹🇲🇽 I speak spanish(I kinda suck tho😭) She/her I play the alto saxophone(don’t tell me to play careless whisper- I still haven’t learned it yet cuz I’m lazy) HUGE simp My name is Kimberly but y'all can call me Kira/Kim :) (or other nicknames you wanna call me) I'm your online grandma😌 Lesbian🧡🤍🩷(cuz women😍😍😍) Lute and Velvette are my wives. No arguing with me. It’s final. A MINOR‼️ An Oc X Canon artist!!!

I belong to a lot of fandoms such as: Welcome home The Amazing Digital Circus Hazbin Hotel Ever After High Regretevator +MANY MORE

I don't have lots of rules but please: don't steal/be inspired by my oc's don't trace/steal my art don't repost my art don't make suggestive art of my oc's(this includes nsfw) don't ask me to draw you(I will take suggestions) Please stay on topic anything I post I can get frustrated and angry easily so please be mindful😭

you can however: make fanart(you don't have to ask) ship one of my oc's with yours(ask first) simp for my oc's Vent to me :) (but keep it appropriate. Again, I’m a MINOR) my dm’s are usually open. So please be respectful of that.

This is a very safe space with respect for everyone‼️

LOVE YOU ALL!❤️❤️ -Your grandma/Kimmy

Linktree:

[theconstitutionisgayculture]

I know you make it a point to not get involved in fandom (esp. on this site) because it's not worth the inevitable drama but I just need to vent a little.

Yes. Tumblr is "the queer site" or whatever. Okay fine. I believe everyone should be free to enjoy their content however they want its whatever that's what tags are for etc etc. But within the only fandom i even sort of interact with here there's been a recent uptick in the bullying of people who don't push certain messages, politicks, or HC/Ships. So some of us thought we'd make things easier and try to make things calmer in the tags by making a discord dedicated to actual factual tolerance where everyone who wanted to join in could openly discuss what they do/don't like no judgement no strings no doxxing and no requirements for everyone to agree just freedom to have whatever opinions even those that don't necessarily match the majority. Yknow, so I don't have to be dogpiled for not liking the ultra popular coffeeshop au fic series or Adam B Example isn't getting crucified for not enjoying whatever ship.

But no. No this cannot be allowed. Clearly everyone in this server is a raging ist-o-phobic slur-slinging terrible-no-good-very-bad villain with a capital Evil. Look we have redacted (and faked, but how do you prove that) screenshots of them being vile nazis in their semi-private server! More cropped proof seen here where they got annoyed after my friends and i decided to brigade and troll their introductory room by spamming it with graphic imagery and childish namecalling! They banned the smurf accounts we made to do this with too see how hateful!

Sorry i know it's not your drama I just.

Ugh. Is it really that impossible for people to leave others alone? We're literally trying to give them all they space they want, none of us care or hate that the popular ship is popular or whatever their personal HC is abt X characters's sex life or any of that we just wanted to be able to freely chat about the franchise we love. And tired of being browbeaten and wanted to maybe make our own little space to do that.

Also wish these people could understand it is perfectly possible to be lgb et al and not like the current things '~Pride(tm)~' has going on these days. I know that's part of it. But demanding political conformity from people who just want to enjoy their hobby in peace is so so stupid but i can't articulate it in any way that people will listen.

If you don't mind, I would like to know what this fandom is so I don't accidentally become adjacent to it at any point.

But you're right to be upset by all this. These people have no lives and are bitter and hateful. I hope you don't let it ruin your enjoyment of The Thing or drive you and your friends to be silent about it. The only way to even begin taking fandom back is by ignoring this kind of shit and pushing through. I'm sorry you have to deal with immature little nothings who can't handle people enjoying fiction in ways they don't approve of.

[pretty-demiboy]

TW: Sort-Of Transphobia

this is a lot less light-hearted than my usual posts but i needa vent somewhere and my other blog is more bleh sooo...

idk, i was jst thinking bout terfs, transphobes and my mother today as well as jst a lot in general cause my mum and i have been having... well, not rlly conversations, more like her saying 'oh ur my daughter, always have been' and me being too scared of conflict to disagree with her. she knows what i am and all, like im out, but yk how it is with parents. they are passive-aggressive, love the old u too much and can think of rlly gaslight-y/guilt-trippy arguments. today she sent me a ss of an article explaining the origin of my deadname and sorta hyped it up with a caption along the lines of 'love u my little shapeshifter' (for context my deadname is a goddess who shapeshifts which like BADASS but also yk) and ik its like i shouldnt even be complaining about it cause she's not abusive and loves me and all but like... idk. it felt bad. she's more accepting than my dad but still yk having a transgender child is hard. she doesnt want her baby girl to rlly be a boy, and she's a non-aggressive terf and shit. idek if ill be demi for the rest of my life, its prolly jst a phase and shit cause i dont get much dysphoria but its still pretty upsetting in a way. i mean, i got into an argument w/ my sis abt micro-aggressions and whether or not they're harmful and i didnt explain it vry well (my sis is also openly transphobic despite being bi) and like it started when i tried to tell my lil bro not to say smt abt women, idk it was like stereo-typing or smt like that but he's only seven and i wanna help him grow up to be accepting unlike the kids in my school, but my sis... well. yk. and it sucked that i couldnt put into words how harmful micro-aggressions are without her making me feel fking sensitive or smt, and it sucked when my mam and stepdad acted like i was making a fuss over nothing, when its not nothing, its my whole fucking life. but my sis acts like im being a child cause yk, transphobic, like our dad, so. idk, its jst rlly fking shitty. i thought i was accepting of my identity but ppl keep making me second guess myself and my beliefs concerning basic human rights. it sucks so much. i shouldnt feel afraid of even expressing my opinion that trans women arent predators, or feel scared to tell my mam that atm i am a boy (technically i am, i think she'd have a stroke if i tried to explain what demi is xD) despite her being prolly the most supportive person in my close family. ppl shouldnt have to feel this way abt literally the most basic part of their identity. its jst not fair, and it sucks. idw feel like idw be queer, cause being queer is beautiful and the community is amazing, but sometimes i jst get so fking tired, and thats w/ me being in a lot more accepting family and community than most ppl. if i wasnt demi & biromantic i wouldnt be me, and i know that for sure, but sometimes i cant help but think of how easy it would b to jst be cishet, at least for shit like this. its pride month and i cant even b proud of who i am rn. its easy when im w/ my friends or watching an ot/click/jamie vid, but when im alone or w/ my family i jst... i hate it sm. if i wasnt queer, maybe a lot of my problems wld go away. if i wasnt queer, maybe id feel accepted at school and w/ family. if i wasnt queer, maybe id love myself a little bit more.

idk, its jst fking hard, especially when ppl say the lgbtqia+ community is like being unreasonable or dramatic or some bullshit like that, when they dont have to feel everything that we feel on a daily fucking basis. ive been so lucky with me being bi (practically everyone in my family is accepting of lgb) its jst my gender and asexuality thats causing problems, and if i cant even handle a little bit of discrimination that isnt even real discrimination, i cant imagine what its like for ppl in aggresively homophobic and transphobic environments. it makes me want to kms and hms when i think of all the ppl getting treated less than human or sinners or anything like that jst cause they arent smt that they are supposedly born to be... god, fking terfs and bigots make me sick, man. even the gaslighting and micro-aggressions are jst so disgusting. im so sorry to everyone dealing with discrimination. i wish i could help u somehow. i wld do anything to make this shit stop. jst know that i and others in our community love you so much even if atm it seems like no one else does.

[batsychan]

Hihi! Little introduction post for what this account is mainly going to be abt and some base rules!

✩.･*:｡≻───── ⋆♡⋆ ─────.•*:｡✩

Rules-

°pls don't ask for any dabi x hawks, dabi x shigaraki ships I don't want to start writing for them because I view them as toxic and unhealthy and I want this page to be nsfw wholesome or just general head canons for any mha/bnha characters! Also fluff comfort or emergency stuff is totally allowed!

° don't ask for any toga ships if their with other members of the league excluding mustard no pro heroes no twice no dabi shigaraki compress kurogiri or anyone besides mustard (mustards an exception bc their both around the same age but even then I'm iffy!) U can obviously ship her with class 1-A or 1-B their around the same age so I have no quarrels abt that!

°pls pls pls don't ask for piss scat vomit or any bodily fluids besides cum if ur asking for nsfw! I don't want to write for any of that that's extremely uncomfortable for me and is smthn I don't care if others do/Wright abt but I will not

°dont harass anyone if they decide to leave a mean comment just ignore it till I get to it and I'll decide what should be done honestly I probably won't delete it unless it just unnecessarily rude and hateful!

°pls pls pls give me minor obscure characters to right for like tabes or any of shie hissakei (idk how to spell it T^T) any of the MLA I will happily right for idm! ( I'm a redestro simp I can't help it I love a confident man.. T^T)

°last one guys your almost done! Pls don't be rude and spam me for requests I can get overwhelmed and stressed out! Remember there's a human being writing this! I have thoughts feelings emotions morals and everything so don't harass me I won't block u but I definitely will ignore someone who's constantly spamming me!

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Alright that's cleared up and addressed here's some basic stuff abt little ol me!

Age~18(going on 19 on June 15th)

Gender~agender trans ftm

Sexuality~gralysexual grayromantic and possibly aromantic or demiromantic!

Pronouns~anything except fem pronouns or rlly odd neo pronouns! Like kitty/kittyself dog/dogself (no hate to anyone who uses them I just don't feel comfortable being called that!)

Name- honestly call me anything masc or weird I just won't mind

A BIG DISCLAIMER!!!!!

You guys are more than ok to come in my DMS n ask to vent and talk to me of course u don't ever have to or need to but if you ever feel like someone won't listen won't care you have no one to comfort you or just want a friend I will talk to you!

✩*⢄⢁✧ --------- ✧⡈⡠*✩

Alright now! For some disclaimers!

*don't ask for any minor x adult

*don't ask for any abusive relationships or hinted at to be abusive!

*don't attack me or anyone for personal opinions remember were all human beings we have feelings let's respect everyone ok!

*pls don't ever feel guilty for requesting smthn or accidentally sending it twice i have no issue if it's a mistake now if it's spam! I will NOT answer no matter how good I'm not here to encourage habits also guys don't develop parasocial relationships with me or anyone!

*I'm very forgetful but I'm going to let u guys decide how often I post when more ppl start interacting until more ppl interact I'm going to post them when I feel like it!

Ok well I THINK that's everything! Thx everyone for reading all of this and thanks to everyone who in the future will hopefully respect this!

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

[sttoru]

cw vent 🧍‍♀️

idk what it is but i literally ruin every single possible friendship i have w someone . never ever have i not been the reason for falling out w someone lewlll im gettin frustrated w mysef at this point. i either can’t keep a convo going, which ends up in them giving up and not talking to me, or its me ghosting them bcs idk how to respond to their messages???

sometimes i b saying sensitive stuff on impulse (with no tone indicators whatsover) thinking the other person will automatically sense my intentions behind the text when its not the case & they can easily interpret it in multiple ways than like i did intentionally 🧍🏽‍♀️then it gets awkward and boom there goes another (possible) friendship

or when i respond dryly or ‘passive aggressively’ WITH NO intention to come across as so . bcs i usually type in caps & idk — very excitedly (ex. replying to a question in multiple msgs instead of 1 text) so when i respond shortly like ‘okok’ to someone, they will always easily interpret it as me being mad at them or me being dry and not wanting to continue the convo when I RLLY just eithergot distracted or i rlly didnt know what to respond

then there’s me stressingand having literal mental breakdowns when someone i text responds in a different tone than usual. like they’d respond in a dry or serious way and im instantly crying and being anxious thinking that they hate me or are annoyed by me . i react to this by either ghosting them to avoid rejection or confrontation or straight up ask ‘did i annoy you’ (which i always do and it can get exhausting for the other person, thus how some of my friendships end bcs ppl couldnt stand being questioned by me abt clarification on their tone lol)

or when i leave ppl before they can leave me / ghost them before they can ghost me. . . LITERALLY MAIN REASON FR ME HAVING NO FRIENDS

ITS SO STRESSFUL i always tell myself that m okay with no friends, but then when i actually have zero friends bcs of my kinda ‘anti-social’ attitude i break down?? like?? what did u expect ma’am….

bashing my head into a wall at this point

[texturralize]

Writer of my broken soul. What has happened to the svss fics? Are you okay? Who do I need to fight for you cause I rely on those fics more than an online shopper relies on their credit card.

it’s just..kind of a unfortunate timing kinda thing..something just really discouraged me and hit on some social trauma I have and I’ve been in a funk and need to take a break from my sv fanfic. the other night I sat down to write and someone messaged me on twt to join a sj fan server.

I got super excited bc I still hadn’t ever found a sj focused server and he is (obviously) my fave. when I got in, someone mentioned being fan of my fics. so I searched them just bc I was kinda curious. well..there were a few nitpicks things here and there which is fine. but ig one of my fics, because I forgot a tag, showed up in some people’s feed even when they set their filters, and it bothered them. there were some really hurtful things said..stuff like oh you can’t trust this author, can’t believe they did this, it was disingenuous, they wanted to toss themself down the stairs from sheer disgust, it was creepy, people wanted to block me, they felt mad anytime they saw my name…it was bordering on fic/author bashing and I was shocked the conversation just continued like normal and was allowed…so I got uncomfortable and left the server.

I don’t really blame the server itself or the people who talked about me, multiple people have sent me DMs saying they felt bad and like my work and that was really sweet. one of the people who said stuff also apologized for it so it’s not like I hold a grudge. it’s just, stuff like this is kind of hard to deal with for me. it’s not that I’ve never encountered hate comments or anything on the internet, I think I was just blindsided by the situation..no one expects to encounter stuff like that in what should be a safe space for fun and ideas you were invited to. I let myself get excited and wasn’t expecting it so it really affected me.

it’s just unfortunate that it happened in that way because though I’m sure no one specifically meant to hurt me, like I said, this kind of triggered some social trauma for me. as someone who grew up with undiagnosed autism, I’ve often felt hurt and silly when I entered spaces and didn’t realize people didn’t like me until too late. I spent a long time unable to explain why I felt certain ways when these things happened bc I didn’t even understand the way my own brain worked. I also have a very direct way of communicating and don’t say things unless I mean them, so the idea of venting and being aggressive abt something but not ‘really meaning it’ is hard for me; it’s hard to understand that someone could say such cruel stuff but not take it seriously. so my brain catastrophizes and won’t let me forget what happened and there’s dysphoria when I perceive rejection, dislike, aggression, etc. BECAUSE I take those things so seriously. and I also would never bash someone or their fic bc I know fic is made from love and is 100% free so it’s hard for me to get past it y’know?

just to reiterate..I’m not mad at anyone, I don’t think anyone is a bad person. they said they made a mistake speaking like that about someone and will keep in mind what I said when we talked. I’m sure there are plenty of people in that server who like my stuff and don’t want to see me discouraged…

god, it’s just really hard, you know? it’s been a while since something really managed to hurt my feelings. I guess I just felt stupid, and kind of humiliated. it’s that feeling of walking into a room only to realize you’re the punchline…

so..yeah it just kind of has me in a funk, as someone who’s struggled to make friends and connections in fandom too despite how ‘easy’ it’s supposed to be. I’m still kind of disappointed that something I got excited over exploded so much in my face and didn’t work out. but overall I mostly just tripped into a depression spell and it’s making me feel bad to look at my work so..I decided to take a break from it. to people who like my stuff…I’m really sorry. I don’t mean to take anything away from people who really liked it. I just want to feel better.

the last time I felt this bad was a few years ago, when someone did something really horrible to me and it upset me so much and took the joy out of the fandom I was creating content for, because it was something we did together. I’m not really upset over the specifics of what was said, just the experience and how similar it was to things I’ve went through in the past. I’m upset over the fact I don’t feel like it’s fun to write right now, and I don’t want to lose this special interest like I did my last one…so yeah, just kind of sucks overall.

I hope no one feels bad about what happened for a long time. just..unfortunately, I probably will, and maybe taking a break will help..idk

sorry :(

[izzy-b-hands]

So. I'm allowing myself a vent post or two abt Stuff in the Brain today that won't fuck off, but it'll all be under a cut if I feel I'm at risk of being too wordy so folks don't gotta see this if they don't wanna. And on this one I did get wordy, multi-paragraphs so. fair warning if u decide to be brave and read thru it lol

I'm behind on getting Mum a bday gift. Like two weeks behind. Partially bc money, partially bc the thing I really wanted to get her involves bidding on ebay and attempting to win a listing (and I just haven't managed it yet lmao), and partially bc like:

For once I've been living my life for me, thinking abt me and Housemate first and foremost, and focusing on what I actually want/need from day to day, and that means I'm away from my phone a bit more than usual, which means I've missed some calls and texts from Mum and just haven't been as Available via phone/apps/etc as I've been in the past

(including one time in the last week or so where Housemate and I stepped aside to the kitchen to make ourselves mac n cheese, and Mum was late to calling me for a planned call, so I figured I was safe to leave the phone by the couch while we cooked. Nope! In that less than half hour, 25 mins at most that it took us to finish mac and get plated up, she figured we'd both A. fallen down the stairs and were now dying from brain bleeds while the cats sniffed us in panic and fear B. decided to cut her out of my life forever and so now I wasn't going to be answering her calls (tho this point I didn't know until a much more recent text where she admitted to it and did say she was ashamed of feeling that way.) )

So I really need to get something out to her, either the chocolates I was planning on sending for her and the family from a local shop, the Snoopy Build-A-Bear plushie with a lil 'I miss you' tshirt and a voice thingy inside it with me telling her to remember that I love her and am always grateful for her help and care and things like that, whatever will fit lol (this is the fucker that triggered this whole train crash of a set of thoughts today lmao), and/or something from one of the ebay listings I've been trying to get (I just need to accept it and pay the buy it now price considering what the thing is isn't like. Uber rare? But apparently Bon Jovi doesn't have their figurines made any more, so they're a bit harder to find and I'm gonna risk not getting one at all if I don't just. do the dang thing lmao)

I'm thinking the Snoopy would be best/easiest for rn, but I keep getting stuck on what I'll say for the recording and it's so dumb but like:

I know, for the sake of both of us and the deeply grown and intertwined sort of emotionally incest-flavoured codependency Mum and I have, we probably should eventually try going NC or LC for at least like. a month or two in the future? Probably even a bit longer? Not as like a 'this is forever' thing (unless something would happen that would point to that as the best option for both of us), but just until we can maybe both heal a bit and work closer towards something even vaguely approaching a more normal mother/son relationship.

And the particular fear is very silly but like. I'd hate to say the things I have planned, that I mean (I do love her, and I know she does her best, and so I'm grateful for every bit and every sort of help she's ever given or will ever give me), and then we someday go NC or LC, and she's hurt by having the plush and audio around as a reminder of how things were before. I could see her throwing it away in a fit, and then being so sad and begging for a new one by the next day. And I'd want to get her one. I don't know if that's right of me or not.

Like, the trauma has me Entirely overthinking this and I know it's ridiculous, you know? But still. Got the Build-A-Bear tab open on my phone bc the chocolate is at least partially to be shared, so that's Not Enough as a partial belated bday gift; and I'd like to hit another paycheck (or part of it, since the uni rarely puts the full fucking direct deposit in on scheduled payday lmao) before I try for the Bon Jovi figurine (and hope it isn't bought before that point.) So the plush is really the best choice, and I don't want to wait any longer to send anything out bc like. Her bday was at the beginning of March, this is fucking ridiculous of me and not how I like handling gifts at all, for anyone!!

Fingers crossed I just. Get the fucking recording done, get it ordered and have them send it out to her, and that'll be enough until I can get my hands on a figurine and/or order the chocolates and candies for her, her bf, and to share with the rest of the family.