#& i'm not even trans so i can only imagine how much more i could feel if i added that to the grew-up-on-buffy of it all!

[salaciouscrumbb]

movies you go to on a whim or because you like the genre in general & then it's made in such a specific, targeted way it could practically have a "for [your name]" dedication in it.

[kindnessoverperfection]

Please, if you can, take a moment to read and share this because I feel like I'm screaming underwater.

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stigma is rampant right now, and seems to be getting progressively worse. Everyone is using it as a buzzword in the worst ways possible, spreading misinformation and hatred against a real disorder.

I could go on a long time about how this happened, why it's factually incorrect (and what the disorder actually IS), why it's harmful, and the changes I'd like to see. But to keep this concise, I'll simply link to a few posts under the cut for further reading.

The point of this post is a plea. Please help stop the spread of stigma. Even in mental health communities, even around others with personality disorders, in neurodivergent "safe" spaces, other communities I thought people would be supportive in (e.g. trans support groups, progressive spaces in general), it keeps coming up. So I'm willing to bet that a lot of people on this site need to see this.

Because it's so hard to exist in this world.

My disorder already makes me feel as if I'm worthless and unlovable, like there's something inherently wrong and damaged about me. And it's so much harder to fight that and heal when my daily life consists of:

Laughing and spending time with my friends, doing my utmost best to connect and stay present and focused on them, trying to let my guards down and be real and believe I'm lovable- when suddenly they throw out the word "narcissist" to describe horrible people or someone they hate, or the conversation turns to how evil "people with narcissistic personality disorder" are. (Seriously, you don't know which of your friends might have NPD and feels like shit when you say those things & now knows that you'd hate them if you knew.)

Trying to look up "mental health positivity for people with npd", "mental health positivity cluster bs", only to find a) none of that, and b) more of the same old vile shit that makes me feel terrible about myself.

Having a hard time (which is constant at this point) and trying to look up resources for myself, only to again, find the same stigma. And no resources.

Not having any clue how to help myself, because even the mental health field is spitting so much vitriol at people with DISORDERS (who they're supposed to be helping!) that there's no solid research or therapy programs for people like me.

Losing close friends when they find out, despite us having had a good relationship before, and them KNOWING me and knowing that I'm not like the trending image of pwNPD. Because now they only see me through the lens of stigma and misinformation.

Hearing the same stigma come up literally wherever I go. Clubs. Meetings. Any online space. At the bus stop. At the mall. At a restaurant. At work. Buzzword of the year that everyone loooves loudly throwing around with their friends or over the phone. Feels awesome for me, makes my day so much better/s

I could go on for a long time, but I'm scared no one will read/rb this if it gets too much longer.

So please. Stop using the word "narcissist" as a synonym for "abusive".

Stop bringing up people you hate who you believe to have NPD because of a stigmatizing article full of misinformation whenever someone with actual NPD opens their mouth. (Imagine if people did that with any other disorder! "Hey, I'm autistic." "Oh... my old roommate screamed at me whenever I made noise around him, and didn't understand my needs, which seems like sensory overload and difficulty with social cues. He was definitely autistic. But as long as you're self-aware and always restraining your innate desire to be an abusive asshole, you're okay I guess, maybe." ...See how offensive and ignorant that is?)

Stop preventing healthcare for people with a disorder just because it's trendy to use us as a scapegoat.

If you got this far, thank you for reading, and please share this if you can. Further reading is under the cut.

NPD Criteria, re-written by someone who actually has NPD

Stigma in the DSM

Common perception of the DSM criteria vs how someone may actually experience them (Keep in mind that this is the way I personally experience these symptoms, and that presentation can vary a lot between individuals)

"Idk, the stigma is right though, because I've known a lot of people with NPD who are jerks, so I'm going to continue to support the blockage of treatment for this condition."

(All of these were written by me, because I didn't want to link to other folks' posts without permission, but if you want to add your own links in reblogs or replies please feel free <3)

[soulren]

Go spend some time on male pattern baldness or male(AMAB) balding forums/subreddits and such. I did after realizing it is happening to me and the ammount of people who truly don't realize how BRUTALLY it tanks people's confidence and mental health is insane.

There's no cure to baldness by the way, and it can start at any time and there's no way to predict how fast or slow it will go. The only real working option is a daily pill that usually just halts it, but it can stop working or just slow it down or cause major side effects. To regrow you have to use a daily topical solution, or use a roller to wound your scalp. None of these are surefire by the way, and if you stop them you'll just lose your hair and whatever you regained. It's a daily involved thing that might not work and often at best just retains. The best drug, the one that occasionaly gives regrowth, also causes shedding at the start, and can have side effects from growing breasts to brain fog to EDsyfunction(sorry, censoring cause tumblr). Now, those are INCREDIBLY rare and almost never happen but it weighs heavily on the mind of those already spiraling.

But that's just background. What I'm here to talk about is the pure woe you'll see on those forums. People speak as though their lives are over, as though they've lost every chance of finding a woman(predominantly, there's a running idea in such places that women don't like bald men or like them less) or doing anything. You can read countless stories of people who describe that they no longer go outside, are now filled with anxiety and self-hate, have gone from extroverted to never showing their face. And some of these people are kids who lost their hair in high school or even before, or are holding as best they can to a very receded hairline and feel like there is nothing they can do.

And then there's something touched upon far less in those communities, but is important to bring up here; baldness and masculinity. There's the horror of knowing so much of society sees a bald guy as a very masculine guy, at seeing that the best advice for being hot and bald is "grow and beard and big muscles bro". Imagine now you're AMAB balding and nonbinary, or a trans woman who doesn't want to be on hormones.

Just genuinely take the time to look at those forums no matter who you are. Understand what these people go through, what I am currently going through. It is soul-crushing, spiraling, brutal. I have the dream of one day being like Brennan Lee Mulligan or Matt Mercer and starting to lose my hair made me feel like I could never. I felt like and still feel like I would have to be masculine, have to be a bro-y dude, have to look older than I was(I'm fuckin 22). It was the feeling that I could never dress feminine again, never present as a woman when I wanted to again, that I'd always be viewed as a bald guy before anything else.

This is an incredibly vulnerable post for me, and I hope it reaches you all as well in a kind and understanding mood. There's a tendency online for people to joke about baldness, to make fun of it, to treat it as a playfull silly thing but it fucking ruins lives, and it shouldn't. It happens to half the population's sort of bodies and very often. It should just be a neutral thing. You don't need long hair to be feminine, you don't need hair to be feminine. You don't need hair for anything. I guess I'm just saying in general that everyone should be kinder about balding, more understanding, and view it with as much import as they'd view the pixels between this sentence and the next. None at all, I mean.

And for those like me, very feminine guys who wanna keep that and don't want a beard and are terrified of balding, here's some names and I do hope others that see this will add more; Mr. Bruce (also in The Correspondents(band) Alex Ward in LA By Night Jason Carl in LA By Night Cecil Baldwin of Welcome To Night Vale Bob The Drag Queen RuPaul(in looks alone, I know about the whole fracking stuff but this post is about looks) tananasho on instagram Also your mannerisms and style of dress will convey femininity far more than your hair. Yea sure a front-on neutral shot of you may not and maybe you need makeup and stuff, and hell maybe a lot of people might reject you more but it'll just filter down to the people for you.

And to all you artists and writers and creatives; make more bald characters. Try it out. Feminine ones, masculine ones, all sorts. None of the copout nonhuman sort, just dudes and girls and mates and individuals who are all sorts of things and also bald. It might make a few of the people going through the various vortexes of pain that balding causes feel a bit better.

And to those noticing I did not adress female hair loss much here, that was intentional. I am AMAB and currently a nonbinary guy who goes by any pronouns but often likes to present as fem. I learned I was possibly losing my hair and lost two months of my life, no work or going or anything, to male hair loss forums and research and spiraling. Checking my hair twenty times a day, unable to sleep, unable to eat, unable to think. And my situation was NOT unique, but it also did not give me any experience or understanding of female hair loss and what AFAB people may go through with that, so I don't feel knowledgeable enough to speak on it. Also living with baldness WILL get easier and you will find something that works for it, by virtue of simply living with it. Things get easier with time.

[hhonghu]

You don't have to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable.

But imagine yan!trans!scara babytrapping you because he was scared of you leaving him because he wasn't the Kubokimono that you were in love with all those centuries ago. But you were surprisingly happy that Scara was pregnant, and that you wanted to raise the child with him. And you wanted to celebrate by stuffing his cunt with more of your cum, if only you knew that your darling was far from the naive innocent Kubokimono you once knew.

[Thirst]!

yan!trans!scara is so real for this, absolute girlboss!! what's a better way to get you tied down to him for the rest of your life is a baby ofc!! i researched so this should be an afab!trans!scara ? usage of female anatomy ! correct me if im wrong (bc i feel like i wrote this absolutely wrong and ill rewrite it)!

he would be biting his nails, nervousness and paranoia taking over him as he thinks deeply. there's a possibility you'll still leave him. he was no longer the kabukimono you once knew; sweet, kind, curious, and naïve about the world and of course, you. you just can't let him go, he belonged to you! he was everything to you and he still is! the thought was haunting him, he's yours so don't leave!

he's thinking of ways to make you stay forever: sex? a lot of that and mire. money? you're too humble, money doesn't sway you too much. he tugs on his hair in frustration, racking his brain for anything, anything that won't make you leave him ever. then, a thought pops in.

a baby.

you were soft with children, even back in inazuma. despite you having work, you were willing to look after children when parents would come to you for help. you let them do as they please, running around and playing, even calling for you and him to join. and even at times, they would ask to play house. "kabukimono will be our mother, [name] will be his spouse, and we will be your children!" you would chuckle and agree, cooing how you and him would be great parents to them.

and so he had a plan. he'll have you fuck him pregnant. stuff him full of your cum and reach his womb, ensuring that he'll be pregnant with your child. that's it, it's the perfect plan! all he has to do now is put it into action. he prepared everything; he'll clear your schedule for a whole week and have you fuck him on his most fertile day, just to be sure.

and today was the day!

you were informed and relieved of your workload by scara's subordinates and shooed to his quarters, "lord scaramouche says he awaits you in his room." you headed for his room all the while wondering why the sudden vacation. maybe you've been working too hard? you had been busy with fatui work lately so it could be that he did this so he can have you all to himself. cheeky boy. you finally arrived and knocked on his door, "scara, i'm coming in." you twist the knob and head inside, "it's quite nice of you to let me relax for the week, we should—" you freeze, eyes landing on a beautiful sight.

scara was sitting down on the edge of the bed, legs crossed and wearing a pretty purple lingerie that matches his eyes, straps and lace hugging his body beautifully. you stare and eye him all over while scara was absolutely bathing in your attention, smirking. "like what you see, [name]?" he stands up and approaches you, his steps coquettish and cunning, his hips swaying and you watch. he reaches his finger to trace the outline of your jaw to your chin and you still stare, stunned of what he was doing, how he was acting. scara wraps his arms around your neck, his chest coming in contact with yours. "keep staring, i like this.." he mutters, taking in the attention you're giving him. it was working!

you finally snapped out of your daze, your hands coming up to his waist and squeezing it. "well, aren't your surprising?" you smile, "does this come with the vacation too?" he knew what he was doing to you, getting himself all prettied up all for you was one of the things that gets you going. scara nods, lips curling into a smile, "my [name] has been working so hard to stay by my side, surely you deserve a reward, no?" his body sways, tempting you more. "come to bed and let me help you relax."

"guuhh— ohhhh, fuck♡! [name]! hahh—" scara pants, skin slapping heard in the room and his moans getting louder. "that's right, darling. ride me mmmm— harder," scara's eyes were unfocused, his hips slamming his ass up and down on your cock, his cum dripping down his thighs down to your stomach. you reach for his clit, rubbing frantically and his back arches, his pussy clenching as he feels his orgasm coming. "nghhh— you're fucking my pussy hgnhh— fhuck♡! fuck my pussy so good [name] ah, ah, ah♡!", "my hole was made for you to oooohh— fuck♡! all yours, all yours, all yours!", "yesyesyes, 'm gonna cum, you're gonna— ohhhhh, nghhh— i'm gonna fucking cum♡!♡" his hips comes to stop and he squirts with a pop, his juices drenching your cock and stomach. your fingers still kept on rubbing on his puffy clit and watch in fascination as he jerks around from overstimulation. he was starting to feel tired, orgasm after orgasm washing over his body and you still have yet to cum inside him. he can't have that, he won't.

he regains his composure, he'll have your cum in him if that's the last thing he'll ever do and the rest can come after. he slowly realigns himself on your cock, teasing his hole with your tip. "we're not stopping, [name]." you hear him mutter, "you're going to stuff my pussy with your cum until its overflowing, until you can't fit more inside. we won't stop." he slams down on you, mewling as feels your tip touch his cervix. he leans down his body and went in for a kiss, his hips bringing itself up and down on your cock. he moans into your mouth as he kept going faster, his pussy gushing around you. "mmph— that's it, [name]. fuck into my pussy and nhghh— cum in it, don't you dare stop♡!" he screams, lost in pleasure as you wrap your arms around his torso and slowly rise your hips meet his thrusts, his pussy felt so good around you, felt too good even.

you finally cum inside him, groaning as you feel him tighten around and milk you for all your worth. you can hear him sigh happily and nuzzle in your neck, his ass wiggling as he feels your cum spurt inside him. you catch your breath and thought, so much for relaxing. all the while you were recover, scara was smiling to himself. you finally caved in and he'll finally get you to stay for all eternity.

2-3 weeks passed by (and a whole fuck fest), scara was already experiencing symptoms of pregnancy; from morning sickness to backache, he knew he finally got what he wanted and he couldn't be more happy. you were worried about his constant sickness, thinking you've gotten overboard with your sex with him and had him rest and attended to by trusted subordinates and you (reader is dense idk why get the hint!!!). it wasn't until one night, after a long night of fatui work and coming back to check in on him, scara pats the free space beside him. "[name], come lie down, i missed you today." you obliged, taking your coat off and gently lying down next to him. you wrapped your arm his waist and sighed, "how are you feeling, darling? i was told the doctor came in today, what did he say?" your subordinates seemed to have refused to tell you the diagnosis, telling you that scara forbade them and that he was to tell you instead. you prepared for the worst, thinking of every possibility and dreading if you have somehow put him and his body in danger.

"[name], promise me something first?" you gulp, there it is, it's definitely bad. you nod with no hesitation, taking his hand and intertwining it with yours. "anything." scara smiles, "promise me that you won't leave me. stay with me for the rest of eternity." you nod, "of course i will, i love you, darling. you know that you're my eternity, i will never leave you.", "then lend me your ear." you nervously lean your ear to him and he cups his hand, as if to tell you a secret in a whisper.

"i'm pregnant, [name]."

you stay still for a few seconds before your eyes widens, turning your head to fully face him. scara tries to hold his laugh as you search his eyes for any sign that he was joking, but you can't. "d-darling, you can't—" you sound out of breath, your heart beating in your chest. "did i hear that right? are you really pregnant, darling?" your hand comes to his stomach and caress it, taking him by surprise as he nods. a few tears formed in your eyes before it streams down your face and you gently hug him, kissing the top of his head. scara was stunned but he was overjoyed, were you happy? were you crying because he was pregnant with your child? "my darling, i'm so happy to hear that. i finally get to be a parent with you.." he can hear you exhale in content, your body slightly shaking. but then you snap out of your daze, "wait, do you want this too? i.. i—" panic begins to envelope you, what if he didn't want to have the child with you? but scara consoles you and smiles, wiping your tears away. "of course i do, i want to carry your children, [name]. i want us to have a family together so let this be the start of it." you can't stop yourself from sobbing, hugging him once again and he cries a bit with you, happiness overflowing that night.

after you two calmed down, you begin to lightly discuss the future with him. a new house somewhere quiet, baby names, a new room.. scara was feeling euphoric and couldn't help but stare at you with love. "let's rest for the night, we have a whole day ahead of us." scara stops you as you tried to cover you two with a blanket. "[name]..", "yes? do you need something?" he wraps his leg around you, bringing you close and grinding down on you. "why don't.. we celebrate? i promise we'll be careful, just need you in me.. come on. [name]♡."

what in insatiable boy you have.

sorry for the long wait fgassfsdfsd TT;; i got slapped with work out of nowhere, dw tho i'll be replying to thirst in my inbox so don't fret >:) thank you for the food anon!! i'm looking forward for more thirsts hehee

[gatorbites-imagines]

Would it be too wild of me to ask for plastic man because my autism chose the silliest guy to be my favorite 💔💔

I dont think this is too insane but I'm literally desperate for any content I'm going to explode I don't even care if it's just headcanons sfw or not or anything I will implode into confetti

this would obviously be with male reader but I don't mind if it's ftm because I am trans so uhmm do whatever

Patrick “Eel” O’Brian

Sfw alphabet

Plastic man has a special place in my heart too, so I get it. have an alphabet.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

It depends on who you are, but assuming that you are his romantic partner, then I could see him being very affectionate. Both physically and emotionally. Since he doesn’t age or has the ability to die, Patrick would hold onto you and love you as much as he could, since there will be a day where he is gonna lose you. Shows his affection mainly through physical affection, its not unusual for some part of him to be coiled around you whenever you guys are together.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Patrick would be a great best friend, he’s ready to square up with anybody who crosses you, always batting for your team as long as you aren’t extremely in the wrong. He has moments where he would be quite insightful as well, if that’s what you needed. The friendship probably starts because you are a hero, villain, etc, too. Or because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Pat loves to cuddle, he wraps himself around you like a blanket most nights. He will keep human shape if that’s what you prefer though, he just loves to be completely wrapped around you and just squeeze you close.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

I could imagine part of Pat wants to settle down and just live a normal life, but its hard when you have the powers he has. he would be willing to give it a try though, if that’s what you wanted too. I’m not sure I can imagine him as the greatest cook out there, but I also don’t see him as someone who’s against doing chores and manual labor.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

It depends on why you guys break up. If it was something like to keep you safe, then he might come up with some cover or excuse. But if it was for some more painful reason like cheating or something along those lines, then he would be a lot more blunt and just tell his partner to their face that its over and why its over.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Like settling down, I can imagine part of Pat really wants to get married. Hes loyal to a fault when it comes to the one he sees as his one and only, and it all depends on his partner how fast he wants to get married. I could see him as the kind to have dated for a short while and think “yup, I’m gonna marry them”, but he doesn’t want to rush you.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

I think Pat would forget his own strength sometimes, resulting in too crushing hugs or you getting thrown around from he’s excited, but he always apologizes whenever it happens. Hes also gone through quite a lot in his life, so he would have a lot of insight in emotions, but I could imagine its hard for him to talk about at times.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Yes I think Pat doesn’t just like hugs. He loves hugs and he would hug his partner any chance he gets. Just being close to you is a blessing for him, especially if it’s after that time he was “dead” and putting himself back together for thousands of years.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It depends. Some might see Patrick as somebody who would drop the L-word immediately after you guys start dating, but hes also been through quite a lot and has lived a long life with a lot of experiences, so this is an area where I could imagine he takes his time since it’s a very serious word for him.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

I don’t think he gets jealous super easily, since hes sure in his relationship with you. That doesn’t mean he never gets jealous, just that he doesn’t get jealous by small or everyday things. He still get jealous if somebody else flirts with you, which ends up with him hooking an arm around you and butting in in some way.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Like hugging, Patrick would love to kiss. He kisses you all over, littering you in pecks all over your face, neck, hands, etc. but when it comes to kissing you on the lips, Pat would take his time to really put his love in it. he loves to kiss you pretty much anywhere, but he does prefer on the lips. Which is also why he likes being kissed on the lips the most. He comically melts every time you do, since he has the ability to do so.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

In the comics, Plastic Man has a kid or kids, but it all depends on you if you guys have any. I do imagine he’s great with kids though, taking his time with them and letting them feel safe and heard, especially since he grew up with an abusive father. He wouldn’t want kids to feel unsafe around him.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Pat is one of those people I can imagine wakes up refreshed and bright eyed, or is it goggled in his case? Hes always more refreshed than you, but he likes to just lay and admire you for a while. Being stereotypically romantic, Pat would probably also bring you breakfast in bed if you guys have time for that. Likes to wake you up with kisses before your alarm goes off.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

When he’s really tired, Pat will just start outright melting or deflating and collapsing on the floor or on top of you, sighing and complaining about how tired he is. Ends up with you dragging his deflated body to bed where you guys can cuddle, which is one of his favorite times of the day. Because of his powers, I don’t think Patrick needs much sleep, but he wants you to get a healthy amount of sleep.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

He comes across as a very easygoing and bright guy, but I think it would actually take quite a while for Patrick to open up about himself and his past, like his childhood or how he used to be a criminal, unless you somehow already knew that, like if you were a hero too. Things would get told little by little over time as he starts to feel safer and deeper connected, most stuff you learn being from comments or things he does without thinking too much about it.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

When it comes to you and everyday things, I think Patrick would have quite a lot of patience. Why get angry about not being on the same page about dinner, or who needs to do which chore, especially when you can live and have lived as long as Patrick. He would get frustrated and angered if you put yourself in danger though.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He shocks you by remembering quite a lot about you, remembering small details you have mentioned maybe once or twice. He tries to remember important days too, but he never feels bad if you don’t remember it in return.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

When you agreed to be his partner, or if you guys are married, when you said yes to marry him. Other than that, his favorite moments are the small everyday domestic things, like going shopping together, cooking together, or just sitting and watching a movie.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Being a superhero, there is a level of protectiveness in Patrick, especially with the kinds of baddies he fights and the kind of rivalry he has going on. He doesn’t joke about your safety, and would also make sure you teach you how to defend yourself, or get you in contact with other heroes that could keep you safe if he couldn’t.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Goes comically over the top, its honestly charming how much he cares. Like the type to set up a whole thing on the beach with balloons, roses, candlelight and the works. If you don’t like huge shows though, Pat would do something more lowkey but just as meaningful.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

I could see a bad habit of his being not telling his partner when he goes on missions, or dangerous missions. I don’t think he does it on purpose most times, it just slips his mind since its such a normal part of his life. He always makes sure to apologize and make up for it though, and he does try his best to remember.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Pat would act like he doesn’t care too much about his appearance. But I think after a while of dating you, he might start doubting himself, seeing as he has one outfit and one color scheme. Hes pretty good at hiding it, but you’ll figure it out at some point where you reassure him that it doesn’t bother you.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

He would. Those times he’s gone longer periods without his partner always left him feeling hollowed out and like something important was missing. This is also why he does his best to live life to the fullest with you, since he knows there is gonna be a day where its just gonna be him. He doesn’t want to think about it, but he lays awake at night sometimes thinking about it.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

A cat person. He doesn’t hate dogs, he just likes cats more. He always jokes that they’re long and loose like he is, and that like cats, he’s a liquid too.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

If you were a judgmental person, and didn’t believe that people could change if they truly wanted too. With his background and experiences, I couldn’t see Patrick dating somebody who looked down on others, especially if that other person was in a bad spot.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Clingy sleeper, like you don’t need a blanket because he just turns into the blanket and wraps around you like a burrito. Better get used to not being able to move too much at night, it’s like a sleeping bag, or like a bat with its wings wrapped around it.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for using my status as an agender person to get a surgery I want although I do not want it for gender-related issues ?

TW : talk of uterus, menstrual cycles and menstrual blood

I'll start by saying this is not the US so please don't make your judgement based on that. I'll describe how things are in my country.

So I (X24) want my uterus removed. The main reason is that I want to be sterilised to stop having so much anxiety about becoming pregnant, which would be a nightmare for me, and I never ever want this to happen again.

But I can't get any other form of sterilisation as then I would keep my uterus, so I would keep my period, and without hormonal treatment it's just not liveable. To give you an idea, my natural cycles are 21 days instead of 28, I get my period for 7 days instead of 5 and it can be hemorrhagic for up to 4 days of these 7. (I used to get post-op medication because of the hemorrhagia before I was under contraception.) And of course I get through excruciating pain every time, beside having iron deficiency among other things. I'm currently trying another hormonal contraception, it's still not going well. There is always something wrong. My first pill just stopped working, the next ones made me gain 20kg, I'm currently trying hormonal IUD and although I don't bleed as much, I bleed for so long and there is so much pain that no available painkillers can block. I'm so tired. I can't imagine going through that for another 15 to 25 years.

In my country, it is written in law that you are allowed to be sterilised using various methods, all of which keep the uterus. Nothing is said for hysterectomy as a sterilisation method. And although many refuse to sterilise you at all, if you find the right surgeon you can be no matter your age. The procedure is also fully reimbursed. Nothing is said in law about hysterectomy.

This means that the vast majority of surgeons won't remove your uterus. Except if you have a pathology related to it or if you're trans (coming back to that later).

So what I described above does look like a uterus with a pathology, right? It certainly looks like endometriosis at least. I went to a surgeon known for doing the other kinds of sterilisation and tried to convince him to just remove my uterus. He refused, not without an asserted pathology. To his credit, he looked for it. He had me take an MRI. Well, they found nothing.

Which means that, although I have a pretty dysfunctional uterus that I never want to use and just keeps causing me problems, he won't remove it. Because they can't find the cause. Even though I feel completely alienated from my body because of that damn organ that keeps trying to make me bear children and will have me bleed out and in pain when I won't allow it.

Then there is the other solution. I said above you could get surgery if you are trans. It's actually a bit more complicated that that. In order to get HRT and gender affirming surgery, you first need to get diagnosed with body dysphoria by a psychiatrist. And then you get a special status in our health system that allows you to get free access to all kinds of things in the medical field (like surgery and HRT) and beyond (like laser depilation).

As I said, I'm agender. They give this status to nonbinary people so my specific flavour of gender (or lack thereof) is not the issue. But I don't have body dysphoria, only social dysphoria. People misgendering me to my face will make me feel horrible but I don't see my body as gendered. My breasts and specifically my uterus are not something that I see as gendered, so they're not something that causes me distress in terms of gender-related issues. Which means as psychiatrist is never going to diagnose me with gender dysphoria as is, and I won't have access to hysterectomy through trans care.

Except if I fake it.

Now, I have no idea if it could even work. If I could even fool someone. But I've been considering trying because I really, really want to get rid of that damn uterus. And technically, I wouldn't be faking my gender identity. Just expanding on my dysphoria. Still, it feels wrong. I wouldn't transition in any other way except removing the uterus. This path doesn't feel like it's mine to take. I feel it would be disrespectful towards actual, dysphoric trans people.

So, what do you say Tumblr ? WIBTA if I tried it anyway ?

What are these acronyms?

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2024-08-16

(Previous post - current page 666)

We're continuing from yesterday inside Therapy Purgatory, and by checking out this second part with what looks like Mindfang's Journal, I'll finally be caught up on Homestuck^2: Beyond Canon and ready to liveblog any future updates as they come! :D Don't expect me to drop everything and blog immediately every time there's an upd8, but you CAN expect me to be ready to liveblog at least within a couple days of each one, I'll try to keep track of the Homestuck Twitter for updates to this section specifically too.

So, Mindfang's Journal... what will this represent in comparison to the others? Not Terezi, yet? It seems like her feelings toward Terezi would be either saved for the last part (the 8-ball) or not shown here at all, because her path to growth regarding Terezi is meant to be resolved outside the Plot Point's purgatory, not inside.

Will this deal with her relationship with her ancestor, and/or her mother? Is she going to see that she was looking up to a toxic role model in those journals? Are we going to see any hints of Vriska having been transfem or is that relegated to Pesterquest still, 'cause that would be nice to see? (I don't know much about Pesterquest other than that toblerone wish being fulfilled over there along with several other possible-trans identities hinted, no need to spoil me on any of it in case I have the courage to go through that content someday. It'd be too much work to LIVEBLOG it but I might go through it on my own and have commentary to share with y'all or something.)

Okay, clicking on Mindfang's journal now...

YEAR 4

WOW, she's going to have caught up to John (and/or Terezi in the (Meat) Timeline more like) in age at this rate? GOSH she takes a long time to psychotherapize but this is the best deus ex machina I could have ever imagined, getting her to have so much time without distractions to ACTUALLY work through her issues is fucking incredible.

But what is she working on this time?

Oh hi, one of the Nannasprites? Her "lucky mojo"... so she doesn't feel like she has her powers in this realm, which makes sense because there's no relevance or luck left to take/steal from here that isn't already concentrated inside herself?

HOLY SHIT SHE'S ACTUALLY GROWING UP IN THE SPRITEWORK, she's taller with longer horns and everything!!!!! Compare to this from the Flarp Manual section:

--although when you compare that to THIS from the very BEGINNING of page 666's sequence before the two year skip, there's not much change:

--so this NEW, MUCH TALLER sprite model is a huge step up in visual age that will likely last a section or two at least, or even serve as her final form aside from outfit changes.

Moving on...

Okay, so she's been trying to use her powers with everyone cheering her on, and it hasn't been working.

VRISKA: I don't want to 8ore you, it's just the same pro8lem as always. VRISKA: Finally I get my sea legs and figured out what this whole process is a8out, 8reeze through Eridan and John and Kanaya, only to get stuck all over again on HER.

Interesting... so is it Terezi, Mindfang, or her Lusus? I figure the Cueball section that isn't done yet is Doc Scratch, because Doc was someone who intentionally used and took advantage of her faults compared to almost anyone else, and fooled her into using the excuse of inevitability. Interesting that that's the next step after she's "cleared" lessons she's learned from her past relationships with the others offscreen. So who's this HER who's the step before this?

VRISKA: I'm not so sure........she's different from the rest of them. And no matter how I approach this, I can't figure out what the hell she wants.

Hm-- perhaps this one isn't about listening to them and what they want, but penetrating through to a way in which THEY wronged YOU and that you SHOULDN'T be listening to what they want, if we're going with Mindfang or her Lusus?

Ooh, it's weird and heartening to hear her honestly telling the Nannasprite Duo that they've made this "whole experience way more 8earable" and honestly thanking them. She's really in the process of growing up emotionally, not just physically, and it's SHOWING.

And now she's talking about having talked with John about Nanna and their shared experience of "connecting to our predecessors through their writings". Maybe "HER" IS Terezi, and she's going to try to take a detour to try and learn from Mindfang to help her with the process, only to figure out how to be somewhat disillusioned with Mindfang or actually learn from Mindfang's mistakes somehow?

VRISKA: What exactly do humans get out of these familial prim8 relationships, anyway?

Hrmm, maybe this IS about her lusus?

Ooh, Vriska asking Nannasprite why she had children (Dad Egbert). Never thought she'd ask something like that.

NANNASPRITE: I couldn't exactly bring that man [Sassacre] back from the dead, but I could put myself in his shoes and do the bang up job he never had the opportunity to do. Not to mention, I like babies! :B

Yeah, you would!

Hahah, of course Vriska doesn't understand why a human would want to raise a gross infant. So maybe this IS about her Lusus, and why her Lusus would really "want" to raise her and not eat her in part, not to mention accepting how her Lusus essentially abused and used her in ways that fucked her up?

Nanna talking about wanting to avenge herself against the Batterwitch once, before she'd vanished, of course.

NANNASPRITE: So many nights spent plotting that awful woman's downfall and making her pay for all the indignities of my childhood. For always making me feel like I was powerless to do anything.

OH THIS SECTION IS TOTALLY ABOUT VRISKA AND HER LUSUS ISN'T IT!!!

NANNASPRITE: Not to mention that now, after seeing what my younger self has gotten up to in this realm [Candy], I clearly underestimated the depth of my own desires.

Yeah, that must have been disconcerting. It's so easy for Life players, tied to the aspect of power and wealth and privilege, to decide they want IT ALL regardless of their class.

And Nannasprite realizes that if she HAD gotten revenge against the Batterwitch she wouldn't have been satisfied, that's a mature viewpoint; she can't fill the hole in her heart with it.

Wow, even watching Vriska these past few years has changed Nannasprite's point of view, she says?

NANNASPRITE: I had always wanted Betty Crocker to know what a mistake it was to steal my life, my potential, from me. NANNASPRITE: But the real issue was that not once during my childhood did I ever feel particularly wanted, or welcomed, into the world. I only had my brother, and even he ran off on me! NANNASPRITE: Yet despite that fact, and the anger and the disappointment, I still raised someone who knew what it was like to be loved.

And that pretty much SOLIDIFIES that this has to be about Vriska's lusus. We'll finally get to hear the version of her that TALKED to Vriska in sprite form, possibly! That would be the best way to work through the abuse that she was put through in part, and how unloved she felt in other-part where she felt if she didn't feed her lusus said lusus would easily have turned on her and eaten her to search out better food providers, Vriska likely always believed. Perhaps she'll also learn that her lusus thought teaching her to feed on and kill other trolls would MAKE HER STRONG, much like Bro's abuse of Dave was intended to make HIM 'strong' but weakened him in ways he's still reckoning with.

Nannasprite definitely feels that despite her hardship, she "indeed fulfill a path of potential to its fullest degree", lived a full and enriching life by doing what her own parent wouldn't for her for someone else, and doesn't regret it. And almost ("marginally") is grateful for the Batterwitch serving as counterexample, as learning NOT to live like her taught her how to seek true happiness through fulfilling others, not just herself. Vriska needs to learn this same lesson from her own experience with her lusus, it's being all spelled out here practically. Heck, it almost feels like we're speedrunning the part, except Vriska will need a bit more than the answer spelled out for her like this to get it through her thick head I bet.

VRISKA: I guess that makes sense. Weren't you worried, though? That you weren't following the right path, or living up to your destiny? NANNASPRITE: I never even considered that, hoo hoo! NANNASPRITE: Is that how you kids think these days? My lord, no wonder none of you go outside anymore.

(Pff)

Interesting, maybe Mindfang IS involved in this section too, maybe BOTH her lusus and Mindfang-- and the above is indeed an insecurity Vriska reckoned with through the very end of her plotline so far.

VRISKA: Don't p8tronize me, old lady! Destiny's the found8tion of my godhood!

Yeah, she still has a lot to learn.

Nannasprite contending that "destiny mostly fulfills itself" is nice, and also a very Life-player outlook I'd think.

Aw, Vriska's even apologizing for getting snippy!! She's come so far already!!!

Oh gosh, this WONDERFUL pose in this frame and Vriska's eye shining with emotion in it, that's so good.

{Choose Mindfang's Journal.}

Pure white...?

{????????}

Oh you overdramatic 8itch, Ancestor-version Aranea Serket! Mindfang being as overdramatic and insufferable as she TRULY MUST HAVE BEEN.

Now she's storywriting for her, setting a scene unseen, the way Mindfang's journals must have done for Vriska making her imagine her ancestor's setting and travels. Also interesting how her tangled spiderweb looked like broken glass...

As was the figure 8efore her. Though she had only ever seen it 8ehind her eyes, its form was shaped 8y words.

I have to admit, overdramatic as Mindfang can be, sometimes her writing is really damned good.

VRISKA: You can drop the ominous buildup, I already know the twist.

Hahahaha, even SHE'S getting impatient with Mindfang by now.

Oh? Had the thief 8een here 8efore?

Interesting to see the ghost/image that "shouldn't" know about the broader situation visibly deducing things about its recurrence, because both the real Mindfang would have and Vriska's image of her was smart enough to put it together.

--AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS!??! WOW. When she said she was stuck at this part, she wasn't kidding! I hope some of what Nannasprite just told her helps her finally break through the web Mindfang's journal caught her in.

VRISKA: The whole endeavor usually ends with me either killing you or... feeding myself to you.

WOW

IT'S HER LUSUS *AND* MINDFANG COMBINED

HOLY SHIT

Talk about a tangled knot of insecurities to tackle together all at once!!!!!!

VRISKA: You were all like, "Surprise, 8itch. I'm 8oth the Marquise, and your lusus!" And I fell str8 on my ass, flipping the fuck out like a 8ig tool.

Of course, this wasn't the way it was back in her real life. It's the fact that the impact both Mindfang and her Lusus's expectations had on her was similar, and an intertwined problem she has to deal with all at once. (Also this is a more interesting way to hear her lusus "talk to her" than hearing however the fuck Spidersprite must have roared.)

Scene change to the feeding cliff.

VRISKA: Hi, Momfang.

That's a heck of a nickname that works so well right now.

Holy FUCK AAAAH!!! That's a hell of a clever jumpscare and artistic depiction, her lusus roaring from out of the shape of the back of Mindfang's HAIR!

Ew, Vriska got stuck in the web once and had to eat her way out? Not pleasant.

WOW THAT'S DISTURBING, Mindfang tenderly hugging the lusus's severed head from after Vriska mercy-guillotine'd her. HS^2 artists are going crazy good here, both visually and thematically.

The girl was 8linded 8y her pup8ed angst. As 8efouled as those we8s were, this gossamer carnage had 8een home, once. Her time here made her who she was.

Fucking indeed. Vriska has to come to terms with that, both the good and bad of it, in ways she's refused to confront fully.

Mindfang asking her to collaborate with "thespian vivacity" here in her melodrama.

Yeah, back then the satisfaction of FLARP as a game was short-lived because it meant feeding the troll who lost to your lusus, ending in screams.

VRISKA: Every win, I had to share with her. Every moment, I felt her w8ting for me. It feels 8ad, not getting a choice when you do all the fucking work.

Yeah, her lusus's relationship with her was abusive and PARASITIC.

VRISKA: Sure, the 8ooty was gr8, up until the point where there was no one left to play with. After that, it was all good as gar8age.

:CCC

Ah HERE we go. Vriska's now hearing the voice of her mother(s) speaking to her conviction that it was a GOOD thing to be raised as a killer, when parts of Vriska have learned that there are ways of growing up not shouldering that awful responsibility that could have been better... but needs to accept that in her own case, too.

VRISKA: I've already tried respecting you for making me the 8est, 8ut you know what I'm realizing? VRISKA: I didn't have to go through aaaaaaaall of THAT to 8e strong. Vrissy didn't! VRISKA: Even growing up in a f8ke world where no one has a spine, and with 8arely any guidance, her powers can do things mine can't.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT she's LEARNING FROM VRISSY ALREADY YESSSSSSSS

AND FUCKING CONFIRMATION THAT I WAS RIGHT THAT SHE WAS MANIPULATING HUMANS IN WAYS VRISKA HERSELF COULDN'T!!!

I don't think this is the right place for her to realize that the other Vriska has a different Hero Role, but she will eventually, doubtless, if the theory pans out, and I just can't wait for that if it's going to happen.

VRISKA: 8ut that's the point, right? VRISKA: There is no p8sitive spin, no learning to appreci8 you, 8ecause even by Alternian st8ndards you sucked! VRISKA: You weren't a cust8dian, you were a responsi8ility. VRISKA: I protected you, I c8red for you, and you would have happily killed me the moment things didn't go your w8y.

FUCKING PREACH

And?

FUCK YOU MOMFANG

VRISKA: Th8t's not fucking norm8l!!!!!!!!

YESSSSS GROW UP VRISKA!!!!

Oh wow, now LUSUS HEAD Momfang is holding MINDFANG's head.

VRISKA: I had one place I was supposed to feel safe. VRISKA: Why did you h8ve to 8e everything wrong with the w8rld, rolled into one terri8le monster?

😭

Yeah, the momspider was only acting according to her toxic nature. There's nothing to redeem about it.

VRISKA: I KN8W YOU'RE HUNGRY! What a8out me? My entire gru8hood, I gave and you took. F8r once, what a8out what I w8nt?! She has never considered this. And wasn't considering it now, to be clear.

😭😭

8ut the narrator was curious, what DID the spiderling want from the monster?

Here we go... open your heart and spill out its contents, Vriska.

VRISKA: What I w8nt is for you to go 8ack in time and pr8tect that fucking kid, like you were supposed to!!!!!!!! VRISKA: If you did, may8e I'd 8e a8le to relax and let my f8cking guard down for ONCE, instead of const8ntly ruining things and thinking everyone is going to turn around and kill me!

😭😭😭

VRISKA: Oh my god. VRISKA: Tavros was right!!!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT

YOU GO GIRL!!!!

VRISKA: Now I get why talking to all my friends finally led up to you. VRISKA: Y8u're the reason why I could never trust any8ody! VRISKA: Even h8r!!!!!!!! Especi8lly her.

Nooooo Terezi thoughts!!! 😭 I mean I LOVE that she's finally putting it together but it's also SO SAD OMG

This is the pain she needed to face.

And now she's even rolling it into following in the footsteps of the Marquise being wrong.

She taught her descendant so much, and in such lurid detail. VRISKA: It was 80% smut!!!!!!!!

LOLOLOL

Yeah, just as you're saying now Vriska: Mindfang's example helped keep you alive, made you a "wicked pir8", but also made everyone else hate you. :C

VRISKA: I could have 8een any8ody... and you took that aw8y from me. You made me afraid of it.

I'd insert another very appropriate sob emoji here but I'm afraid of overusing it. I'm so glad Vriska is coming to terms with all this, FINALLY, after two years of trying to confront her mothers' ghosts.

--Of course Momfang says she thinks she would be an idiot to trust anyone. She was passing along her own toxic mentality.

And Vriska says she doesn't want to think like that anymore.

"TRAPPED."

Vriska regretting not killing her lusus, saving herself from what she became, before it was too late.... christ that's heavy.....

8ut even as she said it, the Thief knew that was never an option. Emancip8tion couldn't 8e granted to either party, only mutually assured destruction. VRISKA: ........ VRISKA: I wish it had 8een different. Impossible. VRISKA: I wish I was 8orn some8ody else.

Oh honey!!! 😭😭😭

Another dead end.

STFU

Vriska deservedly blowing up and yelling at her to let her get out from under her, be her own fucking person for once...

What will you do?

Oh boy... the PROMPT appears again for the first time in this branch. What will you do. Do what you will.

I wonder... perhaps this time you can run from her. Live without her. Seek... some sort of sanctuary, like the one your friends could have given you. What if you had gone to live in Terezi's treehouse and just, never, ever come home again? Her sleeping lusus wouldn't have eaten you, and you'd have been just as protected as Terezi was. What will you do, Vriska? What will you do here and now?

VRISKA: Huh. "KILL." VRISKA: You know, every week I come in here trying to figure out what more you could possi8ly want from me, and every week it's the same shit. VRISKA: I really am suuuuuuuuch a moron. "FEED." VRISKA: Exactly. It was never any deeper than that, the answer was right in front of my face. VRISKA: Well. I'm not your free ticket anymore. M8tricide then?

No, she's just going to walk away. She doesn't need to CONFRONT her mother... she just needs to MOVE ON from her.

VRISKA: Nah. VRISKA: I never really wanted that either. Lest the girl forget, there were only two choices.

Nope. There's always a third option. Tavros's option, the one you used to think too cowardly. You can always simply flee.

VRISKA: 8ut that's not true. I'm not a wiggler anymore. Alternia is dead. VRISKA: For once in my life, I have options. And just what did the ungrateful upstart mean 8y that? VRISKA (that pose from earlier, hands at her hips, grinning and eye shining almost-wet, brilliant.): I'm glad you asked! VRISKA: It means I finally get to walk away from all this. And I'm not going to look 8ack.

YES, YOU GET IT VRISKA! You can finally MOVE ON from her! You can be who you want to be now, you're not trapped anymore!

The spider forgot her hunger, for a moment at least, as the reality of such a statement sunk in.

Whoa, you even gave THEM pause. :D

She was only a spider. She did not fear death, or feel regret, or hold any sadness. She never once loved the girl. She did not feel responsible. That said, the arachnid had grown accustomed to the smaller creature's presence. She extended one long, spindly leg 8efore her, towards the young troll.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 fuck it I'm using as many of these as I want

As if to say, "HUG?"

😭

VRISKA: Oh, a8solutely not. VRISKA: Hell no.

Maybe. But if you held any feelings for her... what would be the harm, one last time? One first time?

That proved a good call, as the spider had 100% planned on eating the girl.

Okay I stand corrected. XD Get the fuck out of here Vriska, now that you finally know you never need to come back!

Instead, the long lim8 was retracted, placed 8etween the monster's own massive jaws.

What?

Crunch noise???

The spider would not notice when the girl turned to leave. And the girl would not turn around to see if she had. The 8ound cover was closed on our trusted narr8tor, as she whispered these final words. "Good luck, Vriska. 8e assured, you will need it."

🥺

And we hear the sound of footsteps, finally walking away.

{Level Complete!}

Lots of Fire motifs in the titles this time, ending in "FUNERAL PYRE". And that long candle... is it burning down a little bit each time? The lonely candle?

Perhaps representative of the trap?

Instead of going back and comparing it, I'll just take the easy route... and wait to compare it to how it looks the next time this game on page 666 updates. C:

Gosh that was so good. We'll leave things here. I'm finally caught up. I could speculate on what the last two that aren't the cueball mean... the feather doesn't make sense to me, and the 8-ball might just need to be BROKEN in order to escape the black Plot Point, metaphorically and/or literally, since Calliope did raise the possibility that the plot point might need to be "destroyed" and this candle of the time she's spending here might itself be burning it away, until she learns she has it in her heart to shine like the SUN and melt away the wax of the candle to nothing... but for once, instead of doing too much speculation on what's about to happen, I'd rather leave it for next time.

We might get to commentary at some point, or Patreon bonus panels, or even some of the Bonus Comics from before I might have missed the last tail ends of... in which case you'll get surprise posts about them from me, most likely. But for the moment, I'll just relax and see y'all again soon. At the minimum: talk to you next upd8! Or likely before then, since it seems these additions to Homestuck^2 might be weeks apart, and I'll likely feel the issue to delve into SOMETHING of the back-commentary before then in case this Mindfang journal update was anytime recent. <3

Note that if you didn't know already, the official homestuck twitter account is letting us know when the Plot Point page is upd8-ed (this last one was August 11th), and you might need to Force Refresh or clear your cache on the page if that Mindfang chapter or whatever new one that comes out later doesn't show up immediately. I'll be putting that twitter account on Notify for certain.

[kisses4mizu]

y’know I respect a fan’s choice about how they want to view mizu but tiny ramble about it here. this isn’t any sort of discussion or ‘matter of fact’ essay, just a simple rant about headcannons about her being TRANS and her SEXUALITY.

Warning: extremely long.

Given the numerous limitations that would arise from traveling as a woman, I find it very difficult to understand why some people believe Mizu is transgender when it's obvious that she is hiding this information in order to survive. This was particularly true during the Edo period, when women were dehumanized and treated like objects because we only ever see them as a slave or working in a brothel (majority of the show at least). They were also seen having to depend on men for nearly everything, as demonstrated in the episode where the mother and daughter were left outside to freeze to death since her husband was not present to accompany them. Along with that subtle hints were presented to us that show how comfortable she is when in touch with her femininity like a few moments in the episode where she came back to Swords-father Eiji’s hut. Though, I can definitely see why people would label her as transmasc with the theory that she must’ve grown so accustomed to this sort of lifestyle, she’d perhaps just become transmasc in the later episodes. We’ll never know!

Next, not gonna lie, I’m insanely guilty of viewing Mizu as a bisexual women despite feeling that she is leaning more toward heterosexuality in terms of her sexuality. I have the biggest fattest crush on her so I have no problem stating how much I'm crying and wailing over this. Like c’mon, let's be real, I guarantee that 98% of simps are female, and I’m sure every single one of us has mentioned once that we can all treat her better than Mikio and Taigen. Speaking of Taigen, I HAVE to admit that him and Mizu do have the best chemistry compared to everyone in the show. It’s clear in the way she pulls him away from those shooting arrows, knocks him out becahse she fears for his safety if he follows, saving him from Fowler's castle even though she could have easily just left him to die and slain Fowler, etc. At first, I would’ve assumed she’d have trauma with men especially after Mikio’s betrayal which might’ve led her to stray away from any romantic attraction with men—or anybody in general. Honestly, I have dedicated my time to search for ANY hint (ok not rlly) that she might be attracted to women, but the only time I ever see her become flustered by one is when she appears to be taken aback by the prostitues she tried to ask for directions to the Shindo Dojo. Plus, there were only two occasions where she interacted with Akemi that people use to automatically ship them which is when she saw Akemi in her carriage (not sure of the specific name) and pinned her down in Madame Kaji's brothel. I can’t imagine them as a couple in later episodes, something I’m been dying to see. Though, it’s hard to determine what was running in her mind during the scene where they both stole glances at each other, especially since there was no sort of indication in her inner thoughts or emotions, so it’s normal to assume the above as well. (Despite that, I’m still rooting for AT LEAST bisexual Mizu because for the love of god and for the sake of all of the gay women here, PLEASE. /j)

I may make jokes about these headcannons like playfully hating on the TaiMizu ships. All in all, I’m sure the fans are mature enough to understand that these are meant to be lighthearted jokes and that people interpret a character and show in various ways and it’s normal! Even if I can’t comprehend the theory or feel as though it is a little too complicated/really negotiable, remember to support what you want, ship what you want, make whatever headcannons, nobody’s stopping you! Don’t be too afraid to just announce what you feel about the show. All I ask is to avoid SERIOUSLY cancelling someone just because of their own feelings and opinions. In the end, they’re stilll fictional characters (😞😞) who have no sort of physical form of any sort so do whatever, as long as it isn’t really THAT problematic in a sense (e.g. romanticising rape), go for it.

(Sorry for bringing her sexuality into this, I’m aware of how the show is definitely not centering on this and not every single thing has to be LGBTQ-related but I noice it’s something constantly brought up in the fandom. As someone whose phrasing and essay writing skills suck, I’m still learning bit by bit about how the world works in terms of differing views on things. I may not support your idea of a character but I RESPECT it! If I came off as rude, I’m sorry, remember it’s just my random midnight thoughts🙏)

[egg-swollen]

Imagine there's a species of monsters whose population is dying out bc they have very specific requirements for where they can lay their eggs - the eggs need to be laid in a different species, the host body needs to have a womb for the eggs to rest in, and the body needs to have a high level of testosterone for the eggs to grow - it's very hard for a species to fulfill those last two at the same time, so the population is dwindling - imagine the monsters' delight when they discover trans guys exist

Fuck that would be fun. I'm not on T so I wouldn't be able to take part, but fuck if that wouldn't make me want to.

NSFW beyond the cut:

It watches you for a while. After all, making contact might lead to its death if it's wrong. The creature only makes its move when it is absolutely certain that it has the right kind of person.

The serpentine tongue flicks out, tickling your throat. The creature is taking in your scent, your hormones, bringing those chemical signals to its vomeronasal organ. Whatever it finds makes the beast give a full-body shiver. You are perfect for it.

"It will hurt a bit," the creature says. Its words are enunciated very carefully. It has clearly spent a long time practicing.

You rub back against it, making happy chirps. You're too far gone to talk. Making sense of words and then saying them takes up precious time that could be spent being fucked.

Thankfully, the being understands. It nuzzles the back of your neck as it positions itself behind you, gently pushing your torso down. You rest calmly on your forearms and knees as it begins to tease your hole with its cock.

Well, calling it a cock at all might be wrong. It's a strange organ with an elaborate system of air sacs, the sequence of which determine how it moves. What isn't in question is the way it makes you feel. It stretches you, slowly but surely. The head drips its own lubrication. It inches in, bit by bit, as you writhe and beg for more.

Your lover continues to kiss and nuzzle you as ey continue, apologizing for taking time. Ey don't want to make this difficult, but hurting you would be bad for eir eggs. Yes, even if you like it hurting a bit. Ey chuckle, a deep sound that comes from eir chest.

So you are forced to wait until eir cock finally bottoms out in your bottom. Even though you've been on T for months, you still have a bit of wetness seeping onto your perineum. The slight sign of your arousal makes your lover shudder. The way ey growl resonates your whole torso.

"Don't worry," ey say carefully, "I won't hurt you."

That is the prelude to a steady stream of eggs entering you. It is almost too much, too fast. They keep coming, about half the size of chicken eggs, one after the other. You can't even keep count, they're coming in so fast. At some point you come, t-cock spurting uselessly against your monster lover's waist. Still, they keep pumping you full.

It feels amazing. You stretch bit after bit after bit, feeling slightly more full each moment. By the time your womb starts to swell noticeably, ey groan and pull out.

"Wait-" you complain. You are so full, but also you're not finished.

The creature purrs. "Sorry, love." It shifts around so it can use its split tongue on your cock, licking and teasing until you cum with a desperate shout. It cleans you up afterwards, delicate and careful so as to not hurt your oversensitized parts.

Once you come back to yourself, you ask, "How long?"

The being purrs around you like an engine. "As long as it takes."

[catboybiologist]

Hey I feel like I remember someone using crispr (or other gene editing method) to successfully edit her own genome and since I saw the article on tumblr and I think I remember her doing it for trans reasons it feels like something you'd know about. Google isn't helping, do you know who im talking about?

Yup I remember that.

Tl;Dr: I don't buy this instance of it, but there's some nuggets of theory that she built upon that are reasonable.

I'm gonna try to keep this brief and simple.

Here was the basic theory, extremely oversimplified: normal cell development follows a kind of "tree". A stem cell can become a couple different kinds of other stem cells that are more specific, and onwards, until they become "fully differentiated" cell types. These are the cells we know and love: nerve, skin, muscle, etc.

Stem cell research is so valuable because of this- "replacement" tissue can be generated for any other kind of cell with stem cells.

But in extremely rare cases, a process called transdifferentiation can occur. Essentially, a fully differentiated cell type becomes a different cell type without reverting to a stem cell state at all. Imagine a bit of heart tissue becoming an intestine.

It's an extremely poorly understood process. Like, EXTREMELY poorly understood, and the basic dynamics of how it works are a subject of active research. However, it's generally understood that in some organisms, under some extreme external circumstances, in certain cell types, it can be induced by adding in or blocking the right signal.

Based on one study that did a trial on natal male mice, there is a gene that, when knocked down, MIGHT cause transdifferentiation of testes cells into ovarian tissue, which would then secrete estrogens.

CRISPR is used to target a small segment of DNA and cleanly "cut" it out of the genome.

Now. What did this woman actually do?

Well, we don't have much to go on. It was a single thread, less than a paragraph in total, from a "bio hackers" forum. The only data provided was a text document of estrogen levels, one time point before and one time point after, and a diagram of the insert vector that would target the gene mentioned before. What she's claiming she did is inject this vector into her testes, and that the resulting estrogen level afterwards is from her being off HRT, and therefore is a result of ovarian tissue producing it.

But there's SO many confounding factors here, and SO little to go on. Self-professed "bio hackers" are kinda notorious for not having great ideas of what they're doing- not in a dangerous way, more in a "wasting time and money on things that don't work" way. And even for them, there's almost nothing to go on here.

Am I saying the entire thing is fake? Not necessarily, I don't like to jump to "people are lying". However, I am saying that there are too many confounding factors that could have easily kept E high for a long time to question Contrary to what popular media would have you believe, CRISPR is extremely fickle, and not well optimized for humans. I'm also saying that, without additional time points or verification of data, those hormones levels could just be taking a longer time to change.

In fact, I literally consider it more likely that transfemme HRT for extended periods of time might be able to cause transdifferentiation in extremely small amounts on its own. It's been possibly documented going the other direction:

I say possibly because there are other potential explanations that haven't been investigated yet, and it's never been studied in transfemmes. Either way, is it enough to endogenously produce hormones at cis female levels? Maybe, after a decade or so. But I want to see a lot more investigation into it.

Generously, I want to say that long term HRT did cause a lasting change- either the pituitary suppression of testosterone was so prolonged that it took a long time to rebound, or there actually is some transdifferentiation happening as a result of previous HRT itself. I don't think there's a world where the CRISPR actually worked.

Now. Is CRISPR to edit the genome to cause transdifferentiation of testes into ovarian tissue, that would be just enough of an ovary to produce estradiol, theoretically possible? Probably yes, actually! But did someone do it with no documentation, minimal funding, and then disappear afterwards? Not really buying it.

[sophieinwonderland]

how do you feel about the divide between the tulpamancy and the wider endo community? i keep seeing posts that wish for "more systems that piss people off" and list off obscure origins like firpergenic and pseudogenic, but not a mention of tulpas, even though we bear half of all the hate coming from sysmeds.

I see "pro-endo" posts that censor us as t*lpagenic, i see posts insisting that we have to leave our communities and start calling ourselves willogenic or other terms they came up with, otherwise we deserve to be the endos' scapegoats. i see posts from transplurals rejecting any mention of tulpamancy techniques that could help them and separating themselves from tulpamancy, even though i and i'm sure many others have had similar experiences of hating being a singlet and changing that with tulpamancy

Is this it? Is this all the discourse is ever going to be? I wish the kids would realise that they'll never win if they don't stick with their most controversial, and i wish we didn't have to defend both our own existence and theirs at the same time

I think the divide is overstated. There's a small handful of pro endos who are against the term tulpa. And they do tend to be rather vocal about it.

I mean, you do a search for "#pro endo #anti tulpa" in the tags and you'll see most are just people intentionally crosstagging to reach the other side. Tags are obviously not the only things that matter since not everyone tags their stuff as anti tulpa. But still, I just don't see this mentality that much outside of a very few pro endo blogs.

And at that, many of these anti-tulpa pro-endo blogs are people who have been in sysmed circles and picking up their talking points from them. Either "originally pro endo but fell into anti endo circles later" or "reformed anti endo who absorbed anti endo talking point before making the change but still doesn't accept tulpas."

You look into a lot of these so-called pro-endo anti-tulpas who make anti-tulpa posts, and it's not long until you find them arguing that endogenic and pro endo systems aren't oppressed and should shut up about it.

Or calling the pro-endo community nasty because we're not polite enough to people fakeclaiming our existences and harassing us for being plural for non-trauma reasons.

I would hardly call the "endogenic systems exist but I hate their community and think they should shut up about being oppressed" camp pro endo.

To the extent that actual anti-tulpa pro-endos do exist, I do find it's pretty stupid. I think it shoots yourself in the foot on multiple fronts. As you mention, it separates them from valuable resources that can help their systems.

It also plays into sysmed misinformation meant to divide the community. It's the same exact thing that happened when transphobes spread the talking point that "Faegender" was appropriative to sew division in the trans community, and demonize people for using neo pronouns.

The other thing is... tulpamancy is being researched right now more than other sorts of plurality, in a scientific way. When the Stanford Tulpa Study is published, it's going to be super important to spread that as much as possible.

And I expect we'll also see future studies on tulpas that will be into the actual creation process, which will be amazing. Imagine if we had a longitudinal study demonstrating that singlets can create headmates from scratch! This would completely and utterly destroy all remaining sysmed talking points.

Any pro-endo systems not sharing studies like this because they don't like a word would, frankly, be harming all endogenic systems with their silence.

But like I said, these tend to be a very vocal minority. I don't worry about them or concern myself with them.

I also think as tulpa studies come out and are the main evidence showing that plurality can be induced at any age into singlets, many of the stragglers will end up falling in line. 🤷‍♀️

[the-delta-quadrant]

i'm thoroughly tired of and done with cis queer women who make "hating men" their entire personality and acting like they're the biggest feminists for it. kayla from sounds fake but okay and jessie paege come to mind, interestingly enough both bi women, who not that long ago would have been harmed by the same rhetoric they're now spewing. both of them essentially shame themselves for even being attracted to men, and by extension they're shaming others because they both have a large platform, jessie paege especially because for a long time, being bi was the focus of her youtube channel. she was a bi role model. and with kayla it's particularly disgusting too because she has a male partner. like, imagine being in a relationship with someone who loves talking about how much they hate you for your gender and how disgusting they feel for being attracted to you. that's fucking horrible. it wouldn't surprise me that as bi women they both feel like they have to prove their queerness by denouncing any attraction to and even like of men, because let's be real, lesbian separatist ideas haven't really died out. but an undifferentiated hatred of men hurts trans men more than it could ever hurt cis men, because it usually puts trans men on the same level of privilege and power as cis men, which is very much not true and a common antitransmasculine talking point. and promoting shame for attraction to men will hurt queer people attracted to men than it could ever hurt nonqueer women. gay men are seen as patriarchal for dating among themselves, bi+ men happily participate, bi+ women and nonbinary are complicit in the patriarchy for being attracted to men, i've even seen straight trans women be shamed for their attraction to men, and let's not even get into how straight aces and aros are treated. but the biantagonism in this kind of weighs heaviest because it's rooted in the idea that bi+ itself isn't queer, only the part where someone is attracted to the same gender is. hating men and promoting shame for being attracted to men is radical feminism, and i didn't think i needed to say this, but radical feminism is bad. it doesn't really matter if you say "but i didn't mean trans men or masc nonbinary people" because those are the people you are inevitably harming (because we all know the minute you deem a nonbinary person too masc, you put them in the man category). instead of trying to make yourself into a lesbian separatist because the community has made you feel like you're not queer enough for being bi, how about challenging those beliefs? and if you can't do that, why not find a community that's not full of that shit? there are communities specifically for bi+ people, you know. but no, gotta burn everything around you just so you can be part of the club.

i'm a bi enby and not a bi woman, but if i was i'd be proud of my attraction to men as it is a part of my queerness.

[cedarnommer]

Queer music with trans undertones.

That's a topic that I've only breached recently. Call me a little baby queer, but I never knew the wealth of cool music done by very cool people before this. There's a wide range of genres and different types of lyrics to go along with it. In this post, I'll focus down on music that I personally like. It may not be for you and that's perfectly understandable.

Glass Beach is a very cool band and their first album, while unrefined, has 2 songs in particular which I'm obsessed with.

Bedroom community is such a fun song and really holds true to much of my life experiences throughout my life. Because I live in an environment that does its best to isolate queer folk, that meant that the only way I could explore my gender identity and my sexual preferences was through the internet. And while not the point of the song, the song really gets me pumped up to be an annoying blasphemous little gremlin to all the nasty christo-fasc out there.

This song brings me to tears every time. The lyrics are just insanely personal and I think many trans femmes could connect with this song. Being misgendered by your peers and especially your family. Needing a desperate escape. Tackling with adulthood. The little holiday feeling of getting your HRT. It's much. It's so much. I'm bursting into tears even as I type this out. This song is so powerful. I can't help it! It's a song about me! Just for me and me alone! It's so personal aa!

While this song doesn't bring the same reaction from me, the lyrics and the melody is so melancholic and it's such a wonderful song. One of their later and more "mature" works as a band. It's great.

Now I'll do some randomly assorted different artists. I haven't explored their music as deeply as Plastic Beach. But these songs are a highlight for me. And I'm usually a really chaotic listener anyway.

This song is simple but it rocks. While I'm a gender conforming and very woman identifying trans femme, I'm also aware of the absurdity of the gender binary. And I think that even someone like me is inherently confusing and terrifying to the social systems that uphold this nonsensical binary. This song is a good way to remind ourselves how absurd and pointless our divide between "males" and "females" is not based around chromosomes or other confused markers but purely on cultural indicators of identity.

This song's lyrics are wonderful. It kind of reflects my recent posts on Tumblr and my frustration on weirdo internet people obsessed with my genitals and being creeps. Because bigotry is creepy and weird. The chorus of this song is especially really good and I find myself humming it along sometimes.

I'm not into ska, but I really enjoy this song in particular from this genre. The lyrics are fun and the theme of breaking apart and mixing gender identities is fun. It's a fun song. Because once gender stops being used as an authoritarian tool to enforce a binary, it can be fun finding the way to express yourself.

This is some of the stuff I've discovered recently. I think the main reason I'm making this post is a bit more of a serious and grim topic that I've touched upon a bit. I live in the Balkans and I live in a city that's infamous for street fights and toxic masculinity. You can imagine that being a trans femme, even if I pass well, still sets me up for a bunch of dangers. My country's politicians are conservative enough to the point that any idea of rights to LGBT folk isn't even considered, with concepts of queerness being considered a "threat" to the "traditional" family structure. Of course, all of this is a bunch of nonsense.

But it means that spaces for queer people are difficult to find. Apparently people congregate on Facebook, but Facebook where I live at is essentially Twitter. I'm not interested in torturing myself with that. That's left me feeling very isolated. I've recently actually tried to join some local Discord servers, but they were overwhelmingly dominated by cis gay men that seem to only be interested in sex. That's just not for me.

I think listening to music like this helps me feel less alone and more hopeful for the future. If anyone out there is dealing with the same loneliness I am, please find music that reflects your feelings. You'll feel a bit better about the world, knowing that you're not alone and your ideas aren't as foreign as you think.

You're wonderful.

You're valid.

And you're rad as heck.

Queer, trans, non-binary, non-conforming and any fun mixture of sexual orientation. You're the best!

[lucienne-thee-librarian]

Okay but also because I'm a pedantic bitch...in relation to that post I just reblogged explaining part of gay-on-gay bigotry...what if some people are just assholes who happen to be gay, or bi or trans? And they're all for oppression or just plain cruelty as long as it's aimed at other people? Like that's also something to consider.

I don't actually think, any longer, that "internalized self-hate projected outward and also suppressed envy for someone who's doing and being all the things you were convinced into not allowing yourself" is...all there is to this phenonemon. And I wish we'd stop fixating on that quite so much just because we want to be frankly, nicer than some of these people have ever deserved. It's always more satisfying on some level, to imagine your enemies as Tortured deep inside (whether it's because you feel a bit malicious or you just want to believe that there's a way to reach out and heal them with kindness.) than to admit that Sometimes They're Just a Shithead.

Now, do I think that complex can be a big part of it? Oh yeah. And of COURSE, different people have different motivations in different amounts and yadda yadda yadda. No group of people, ethnic, gender, political or otherwise is a Monolith. (For one thing, when it comes to these Pick-Me Gay/Trans pundits and Influencers, money and clout should never be left out as an explanation. Just saying.) But that's the point, isn't it? Any ONE explanation can't explain them all completely.

Tbh, I think we need to consider some people are just bullies who happened to be born not cis or straight. And even if they were bullied at one point for their identity, they learned absolutely nothing from the experience except Don't Be On the Social Reject Side. So they moved their thinking just enough that "woman who likes women" "man who likes men" "I just happened o want to be a woman instead, or a man instead despite how I was born" could be put in the Safe category and they fight for that. Everyone else though, is still fair game and even a fair target. Some people don't just want power to escape oppression and live their lives in peace, they WANT to BE the ones oppressing. Like, do we ACTUALLY understand that LGBT people are humans too and that that includes the bad side?

It tracks a lot better too, when you consider that a lot of people like the masc4masc gays are openly racist and fatphobic. "No fems" Yes but also "No fats. No Asians." Christ, I could think of countless examples of white thin (and sometimes but not necessary cis) queer people doing that sort of thing. I'm sure y'all can too. This idea of some poor lost soul Tormented by Self Hate and Envy of the Freedom of Others doesn't do shit to explain that. Like, even if the two things coexist and they can, it doesn't explain that part.

I honestly just think the uglier but more accurate truth is that lot of queer people aren't all Hashtag Gay or Trans Rights or aren't Liberal out of any sense of justice AT ALL but only self-interest. Being an activist because you're a member of an oppressed group is like, entirely normal and fine of course BUT it becomes real clear when someone's framework of ethics and politics is PURELY "I think me (and people I personally like and approve of) being oppressed is bad" and literally not one inch deeper.

You can tell because if it was deeper, why would they find it so easy to turn around to a fellow queer/trans person to jeer at and humiliate and throw them under the bus if they think they're a Deadweight to the group by being a Weirdo I Don't Want to Stand Next to, Eww...or if they just don't personally like them? Why have you clearly spent absolutely no time unpacking any of the prejudice and biases around gender sexuality (or GOD FORBID race) that society throws at you.. at least no more time than it takes to rationalize yourself out of the category of Should Be Destroyed and Oppressed?

We are not immune from this sort of terminally self-interested activism. I just feel like we'd get a lot further as a society, as a community, if sometimes our analysis of bullies and assholes didn't fixate on finding some deep pain and trauma inside them, to explain their actions in a way that makes them look more tortured and less malicious (even if we say, even mean, that it's not supposed to be an excuse). Sometimes people are just racist, or fatphobic. Sometimes lesbians or gay men or bi or trans people just want to be judgmental bullies too.

Sometimes the reality isn't Tragic Villain Backstory. Sometimes, its just a selfish, deeply pathetic person refusing to become any less, because it's easier not to; even if you had a unique chance to see how the other side lives, a chance your straight cis bully peers didn't get by virtue of their identities.

[maxellminidisc]

I've said this for years but the way the community absolutely has an undiscussed dislike or idk disregard for closeted people has bothered me for years. Yeah theres that sheen of being understanding but I've seen and had to have so many conversations with people to have more empathy for closeted people, especially closeted partners because I understand full well how complicated that is. Btw I'll be using gay as an umbrella term for most of the following cause I'm sometimes uncomfortable with using the q word too much, please respect that.

Like it got especially bad after gay marriage became legal here in the US and most of Western Europe and like every mostly white gay living in liberal areas started acting like everyone should be out already and if you weren't you were idk probably ashamed of yourself, or worse someone faking it. You become some kind of half baked gay person who their behavior implied couldn't possibly connect to queerness in the right way.

But like it doesn't work like that. Some of us very much live in unsafe places to do that and we also don't have the financial privilege to leave to safer states/countries or move out of homophobic/transphobic households. I can't imagine especially how disabled and closeted members of our community feel trapped by these kind of circumstances.

Plus some of us live in cultures where the emphasis on family and community is an essential tenant of our makeup and learning to separate ourselves from the abuse present in those communities towards us is difficult, much like any abusive relationship. There is so much nuance, especially outside the lense of whiteness, that out people sometimes seem to forget or even dismiss instead of helping to foster relationships or community to help the people in their lives who are closeted find refuge safely.

And it really comes to a head when out people I know date closeted people. They seem understanding enough at first but then start questioning if the person they're dating "actually really loves" them if they're not willing to out themselves and the conversation can at time turn progressively meaner as if closeted people are all inheritly selfish. Yes it is a romantic notion for someone to risk everything to be openly with you, and its something frankly all of us deserve including closeted people, but life is far more dangerous and complex than that and I think some people have forgotten that.

And look, I even empathize with open people in that kind of circumstance cause yeah the pressure of having to keep something that incredibly special to you under wraps can be very daunting. But often I've found, most open people have a chosen community to fall back on and talk about it with because they're not as inhibited or cut off from the larger, while closeted people often dont have anyone except their partner because being closeted has severed most pathways of finding the community. Their partners are usually their first connection to the community.

I even sometimes think this sort of mind set extends into how white people perceive gay poc as inherently closeted too. We're either not open enough or being closeted is weaponized against us. Like we could be out and white people still presume we're not and act like were straight lite and we could talk about how we're closeted and white people, again, think it's ok to treat us like straight lite. This is especially evident when we say something that makes them uncomfortable and angry. Like the only time they take cultural nuance into account is to use it to dismiss us, as if all of us must be in hiding and cant be as gay as them.

Point is, being closeted is complicated and frankly miserable as someone whose got one foot in and one out lol and although some peoples only space to be open is online, it doesnt makes them fake, doesnt make them less gay or trans, or less part of this community. It doesnt make them less worthy or deserving of love and community despite their circumstances.

[caffeinatedopossum]

Tw suicide mention

Fuck, guys... I'm so tired. I don't even know why I want to kill myself anymore. This has gone on so long it feels normal, it feels like the way things always were. In a way it is. I'm so numb. I can't cry. Eating and sleeping is always a struggle. Even with the antidepressants and the anxiety meds, the ever-increasing doses, it just always comes back to this. I developed depression at 11 years old. That's 11 years of depression. Half of my life. Anxiety and ptsd I've had for even longer.

I tried to kill myself when I was 13, 3 different times, but I didn't know how to die back then. I think I do now. I often wish I'd known better back then so I could've died before anyone loved me. It's not fair that I'll bring them down with me.

I'm tired and in pain. This is the one thing I can control... I can't control how long I live but I can control when I die, as long as I don't wait for something else to kill me first. And I'm pretty sure it will if I wait too much longer. My body will kill me, it's always trying to. I don't belong here.

I just don't see a future for myself. It's hardly shocking anymore. I've never seen a future for myself. 22 years of "one day at a time" feels like a hopeless eternity. I'm never going to go to school or have a career or a family. I'm not going to medically transition- at least not for a matter of years. Maybe I could get testosterone but I really really need top surgery since I can't bind and if I go on T without being able to bind, it'll will be obvious I'm trans and I'm in a very bad area for being openly trans.

Everyday I look at my dead name on my medications and think "who is that?" Everytime I look in the mirror, I see someone who doesn't exist. Someone wrong, not ugly, just malformed.

I'm never gonna have a social life beyond the handful of people I meet online. I'm never gonna understand why people like me so much. Why they're willing to waste so much on me.

I'm never gonna wake up without my body drowning in pain. It's progressive. It's only gonna get more painful as I get older. I can't even imagine how this would feel at 40. I don't want to think about how bad it would be when it's already this bad.

I'm just tired. I want to take control somehow. I want to be done.