#you sure made me feel emotional about these two

[ravenmacduff]

Sorry that I'm about to write a treatise on monsterfucking. But this post sparked that little obsessive part of my brain that needs to talk about it. So, I see monsterfucking in a couple of different ways. The most basic and simple is Monster HOT. Monsters are inherently sexy. And writers and directors *coughs Del Toro* recognize this and play into it. The Asset was designed to be attractive with a nice butt and kissable lips.

But we also have to ask why Monster HOT? Well, from my own experience as a trans woman, the monster is always portrayed as "the other". Myself and people like me are constantly demonized. They see us as dangerous. They call us predators, freaks, forced into this societal position where there are legitimately people afraid of us. (This goes for other marginalized identities too)

Afraid in the same way that they would be of a monster. And I think that's where a couple of my own ideas come into place. The first is empathy for the monster. In seeing ourselves in the monstrous, we want to reach out and offer love and affection. The same love and affection that we, ourselves need, and often don't receive. There's many horror movies where the monster just wants to be loved and in the end is rejected. Or killed based on societal fear.

King Kong is one story. It's represented in the final quote of the movie "It was beauty that killed the beast". Kong's love for Ann Darrow, which it's been a while, but I believe was rejected in the 1933 film, and accepted in the 2005 film. Kong always was "the other" (and was suggested in criticism of the film to represent blackness) to Ann Darrow, a conventionally attractive white woman. Kong's love of Ann represented the fears of interracial marriage at the time. Kong craved love, and society doomed him. As someone who is also othered doesn't it make sense to empathize with him?

Shape of Water, again also plays with this but more explicitly. Our Protag, Elisa is a disabled (mute) woman, her best friends are her black co-worker and her gay neighbour. All three are marginalized people. All three are shown to face discrimination throughout the film. Del Toro made sure that the fact these people were othered was text, rather than subtext. The main antagonist, Colonel Strickland, of the story is a white cishet man. His aggression, disregard for others and need for domination are extremely evident from his introduction. He's the kind of man who would be a protagonist in any other horror movie. Back to Elisa, it's her otherness that allows her to see the humanity within The Asset. The intelligence, the capability for love. In the end it's that love that saved both of them, while Colonel Strickland was doomed by his hate.

Those are just two examples of empathic monsters. For myself of course I want to love and be loved, and for a long time the fear of rejection for being a trans woman stopped me from truly achieving that. But I am loved and I'm loved by others like me. Who don't fear me because it found a different way to womanhood. And so of course I love monsters, because it shows I can be loved too.

My second thought about monsterfucking relates to a loss of control. Your powerlessness against a creature 10 times stronger than you. Who has all sorts of ways to make you submit. In other words a non-con kink. A kink that is often highly reviled because of its implications, but also very common. I believe the woman in the picture that I'm responding to is specifically referencing her own disgust with dub- or non-con.

Loss of control is a huge kink because many people, especially women feel like they always have to be in control. In control of their emotions, in control of any situation, in control of their sexuality, in control for their own safety. The point of being in control of our sexuality has been hammered in so intensely that to accept that we even have desires is hard. We're not supposed to want sex, we're supposed to deny ourselves. Slut shaming, attacks against women for being too sexual, all reinforce that a woman is not allowed to want for herself. We crave a release, to stop thinking all the time, to allow ourselves to want.

While heterosexual sex is so focused on the man, on the masculine penis, that a woman's pleasure is oft put to the side. You still have to think about others even when you want pleasure yourself.

Well, the monster doesn't care. The monster is going to give you exactly what you want have been denying yourself. This goes for men too. Louis from Interview with a Vampire is a good example. His bisexuality is frowned on by society, but Lestat doesn't care. Lestat is going to show Louis exactly what allowing himself to let go and accept pleasure is like. And for most of the movie Louis continues to try and deny himself, until he finally lets go and accepts who he is.

Speaking of vampires that brings me to my last point. Monsterfucking as a way to get power. And the clearest example I can think of this is Twilight. Bella, while attracted to Edward, was more interested in receiving the power Edward has, than Edward himself. She wanted to be a vampire and this was clear from the beginning. But Edward had to be all Mormon about it. There's many people who find power in the monstrous. To take a piece of the monstrous into yourself and thus gain the same power. And power is sexy.

Werewolves are shown as power through their physical prowress. It's very rare you see a lanky, malnourished werewolf. *Looks at a certain series with distain*

Idk I kinda rambled on. But those are my thoughts

Every day I am thankful to not be a TikTok user

[thef1diary]

i was the anon who was talking about how dirtbag danny would use the whole inexperienced reader roleplay as an excuse to be gentler and sweeter and oh my god, what you wrote in response... it's got me thinking

i could definitely see daniel going through something, and he finds it very hard to be vulnerable with the reader so he obviously doesn't tell her what's going on. but suddenly he's always needing something slow and deep and intimate in bed and he's being sweeter, and he's holding her closer than usual afterwards. and she kinda wants him to go back to being mean and degrading because everything is easier when there's some emotional distance between the two of them. and because when it's all slow and intimate between them, it feels a lot like making love and that's obviously not what they're doing... right? 👀

— I’m so glad you liked it! One roleplay after another, yet they were all the same: soft, sensual, sweet. the things you weren’t familiar with from him, the ones you didn’t want to be familiar with. While it was confusing, you weren’t sure if you hated it. 18+ content below

Daniel had been different lately. His usual edge—the sharp dominance, the biting words—had softened into something quieter. He didn’t explain why, of course. He never did. Instead, he threw himself into this… roleplay. That’s what you told yourself it was. That’s what he said it was.

It had started a week ago, his hand on your cheek as he looked at you with something just shy of tenderness. “You’ve never done this before, huh?” he’d asked, his voice low and teasing, like it was all part of some game.

But this was Daniel. Dirtbag Daniel. He didn’t do tender. He didn’t do sweet. And yet here he was, night after night, coaxing you into his bed with soft words and slower touches, guiding your body like he was teaching you how to feel good for the very first time.

And tonight? Tonight was no different.

His hands were on you now, rough but measured, sliding down your sides with a reverence that made your skin burn. You lay beneath him, his body pressing yours into the mattress, and for the hundredth time, you felt the cracks in his persona. His hips rocked into you, slow and deep, every thrust deliberate, every drag of him inside you speaking more than his words ever did.

“You’re so good for me,” he murmured, his lips brushing your temple. His hand slid under your back, pulling you impossibly closer. “Letting me show you how it’s supposed to feel.”

The words made your stomach twist, and not in the way they used to. You almost hated how soft his voice sounded, how his gaze pinned you in place like you were something fragile, something precious. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. This wasn’t supposed to feel like…making love.

You tried to push back against it, to claw your way back to the usual dynamic. Your hands slipped over his shoulders, pressing against him in a bid to flip him over, to change the pace, to remind him who he was. “Let me ride you,” you whispered, your voice shaky but determined.

But he didn’t budge.

“Uh-uh,” he said, his tone still soft but firm enough to pin you in place. His hands gripped your hips, holding you down against the mattress as his thrusts continued their maddening pace. “Not tonight, sweetheart. You stay right here.”

There it was—the dirtbag edge, the flash of dominance that usually had your body tingling and your mind spinning. But even that felt different tonight. The smirk on his face didn’t reach his eyes, and when he leaned down to kiss you, it wasn’t the usual teasing brush of lips before he pulled back to make you beg.

This kiss lingered, soft and unhurried, his tongue sliding against yours in a way that made your heart stutter. You whimpered against him, trying to take control of the moment, but his hands tightened on your hips, grounding you.

“Let me take care of you,” he murmured against your lips, his voice breaking just slightly. “Just let me, okay?”

Your chest tightened at the words, your nails digging into his shoulders as he rocked into you again. It wasn’t supposed to feel like this. It wasn’t supposed to feel like more.

“Daniel,” you gasped, unsure of what you were even trying to say.

He pulled back just enough to meet your gaze, his hand cradling your cheek. “What is it?” he asked, his tone gentle, almost concerned. “You need me to slow down? To stop?”

You shook your head, swallowing the lump in your throat. “No… I just…”

“Just what?” he pressed, his thumb brushing over your cheek. His movements didn’t stop, his thrusts slow and steady, building a pressure inside you that you couldn’t fight. “Tell me, sweetheart. What do you need?”

The question made your head spin. What did you need? To break the tension? To push him away? To rebuild the distance he was so carefully dismantling?

But you couldn’t speak. Not when he was looking at you like that. Not when his body was pressed so tightly to yours that you couldn’t tell where he ended and you began.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered, his tone softer than you’d ever heard it. His thumb brushed over your cheek, coaxing your gaze back to his. “You’re doing so good, baby. Just let me feel you.”

When you nodded, his hips shifted, his thrusts growing deeper and faster, you couldn’t stop the moan that tore from your throat. He buried his face in your neck, groaning as your walls clenched around him, and you felt the crack in his persona like a lightning bolt.

“Fuck, you’re perfect,” he murmured, the words shaky and uneven.

The way he said it made your chest ache, and you hated how much you wanted to believe him. This was supposed to be fun, dirty, and detached. It wasn’t supposed to feel like he was pouring everything into you, like he was holding on to you for dear life. His lips found yours again, the kiss slow and deep, and when he pulled back, his gaze didn’t waver.

“You feel it too, don’t you?” he asked, his voice barely audible.

Your breath hitched, and you shook your head, trying to deny it, trying to hold on to what little control you had left.

But he didn’t let you.

“Don’t lie to me,” he said, his tone soft but unyielding. “I know you feel it. You’re not as good at hiding as you think.”

His words shattered the last of your resolve. The pleasure building inside you reached its peak, your body trembling as you came undone around him. Your nails dug into his back, holding him closer as you cried out his name.

Daniel groaned, his hips stuttering as he followed you over the edge. His arms wrapped around you tightly, his body pressing you deeper into the mattress as he buried his face in your neck.

But even then, even as his breathing slowed and his body relaxed against yours, he didn’t pull away. He stayed there, holding you like you were the only thing keeping him afloat, whispering words you weren’t ready to hear.

“You’re mine,” he said softly, his voice trembling. “You’ll always be mine.”

And for the first time, you couldn’t tell if it was still part of the roleplay—or if he meant every word.

want more dirtbag!danny? send me an ask with your filthiest thoughts and it’ll get answered during one of my dirty drabble days

[fishfooddude]

Ooo if it’s okay (totally okay if not!) can I please request an angst to fluff Carmy x fem!reader where Y/n and Carmy had been engaged when he was in culinary school in New York, maybe she was going to a University then for elementary education or something, but they had broken up after Carmy got the news about his brother and went back to Chicago and they lost touch. Fast forward and Y/n is visiting Chicago and happens to walk into The Bear to eat (she didn’t know it was Carmy’s restaurant because the last time they talked, “The Bear” was “The Beef”) holding a little girl almost 2 years old who looks strikingly similar to Carmy. I’m sure he’d be upset that she didn’t tell him about her though, but they talk through everything (maybe Carm has gotten some therapy by this point😅)

Carmy getting to know his daughter and overtime rekindling his relationship and getting back together with Y/n?🥹

Second Chances

Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Reader

The Bear Master List

My Directory

“Carmen! Will you fuckin’ talk to me!” you yelled as you watched Carmy move across your shared bedroom.

“There’s nothin’ to fuckin’ talk about!” he yelled back, throwing clothes into his suitcase.

“Carm, you can’t just ‘move back to Chicago’! We’re engaged! I’m in school, and you haven’t even put in a two-week notice. We just renewed our fuckin’ lease!” you challenged, throwing your hands up exhaustedly. “Listen, I get it. Grief and mourning is hard-”

“Don’t. Don’t you fuckin’ dare.” Carmy said coldly, stopping in his tracks. You stepped back and watched Carmy push a hand through his hair, “Listen. Y/N. I need to do this. Come, don’t come. I honestly don’t fuckin’ care at this point.”

“You don’t care? Carmy… we’re engaged? We’re engaged, but don’t you care about me? About what I want? How do you-”

“Break up with me then.” Carmy cut you off. His words left you blindsided, and you stared at him as you let the emotions ruminate. 

“What?” 

“This is happening Y/N. I’m moving back to Chicago, and truthfully, I don’t care what you think or how this makes you feel. Mikey left me his restaurant, and I’m gonna make it good. Stay in New York, do whatever. I don’t care.” Carmy said scarily calmly as he zipped his bag. 

“Fuck you, Berzatto.” you scoffed as you tried to pry the engagement ring off of your finger. “I’ve known you for two fuckin’ years. You’ve talked to your sister, like, what, three times in the last two years? You’re brother even less- and now you’re throwing away our life to go run some shitty sandwich shop?”

“You don’t fuckin’ get it, Y/N! Okay. You don’t fuckin’ get it.” Carmy exacerbated as he grabbed his bag. “Just forget about me.”

~~~~

“Momma!” You heard your two-year-old's excited squeal from the other side of the AirBnB the two of you had been staying in. You groaned; it was 5 a.m. and entirely too early to wake up, but Hailey couldn’t tell time yet. As you got out of bed, you heard Hailey’s giggles intensifying. You laughed as you walked out of the bedroom and down the hall into the living room. Haliey had managed to get onto the window seat by the large bay window overlooking the busy Chicago street.

“Do you see a dog?” you cheerfully asked as you came up and lifted her onto your hip. Hailey nodded furiously and pointed across the street, where a man struggled to walk five large dogs. You smiled and bounced Haliey on your hip. “Just like at home, huh, sugar cookie? Chicago is a lot like New York.” Hailey giggled and rested her face on your collarbone, bringing her thumb to her mouth. “Okay, let’s get you some breakfast. Then we’ll get dressed. After that, you can watch some Bluey while Momma gets ready… then I’m gonna drop you off at Uncle Ryan’s house, and you two will have a super fun day- I heard he’s taking you to the zoo.” you explained, Hailey propped up at the mention of ‘the zoo’ which made you laugh. “Yeah, you and Uncle Ryan are gonna see lions, and tigers, and bears-”

“Oh my!” Haliey exactly squealed against her thumb. You laughed and sat her on the couch before going into the kitchen to make the two of you cereal bowls. “Momma!” 

“I’m comin’ Hailey. I’m comin’.” you ensured as you returned to the living room. You placed the bowls on the coffee table and grabbed your phone from your bag. “Okay… Hailey, I’m going to get this job. We are going to move to Chicago permanently… Mommas’ gonna have an amazing job, and you’re gonna be so so so happy.” you said more to reassure yourself as opposed to informing Hailey of your prospective job. “We’re gonna be okay.”

Hailey happily munched on her cereal and babbled on about some elaborate story she’d created while you nervously poked at your bowl. You watched her sandy brown bedhead-ridden hair bounce as she got more invested in telling you her story. Her stories were always the highlight of your day. Hailey was what kept you going when work was a pain in the ass or when everything was overwhelming. The way she lit up over things she loved, the way she laughed and smiled, her imagination… her eyes. The same dazzling blue of her father- you shook your head at the thought of him. 

Carmen “Carmy” Berzatto. James Beard award-winning chef with a highly decorated resume of some of the most prominent, four Michelin Star restaurants across the country- hell across the world. He not only gave up that to run a crappy sandwich shop, he also gave up your shared future. The night he left was one of the worst nights of your life. You almost failed your finals the following month, and then you found out you were pregnant. Finishing school, having Hailey, and doing internships was hard, but the work paid off. Today was the day you were interviewing to be the principal of one of Chicago's most elite private schools. Cushy benefits, a considerable pay bump, being closer to your brother and his long-term girlfriend… the only downside was the potential of running into Carmy. 

~~~

“Yo Y/N- over here!” Danny called, waving his hand to catch your attention just outside some fancy restaurant Suzie had managed to get a reservation at. You waved and saw Hailey smiling in your direction.

“Hey guys- there’s my baby!” you cooed, taking Hailey from his arms. She happily squealed and kicked her feet as you bounced her on your hip. “I missed you, sugar cookie.”

“How’d the interview go?” Suzie excitedly asked. You shrugged as you ran your thumb across Hailey’s cheek. Suzie nodded, “Well, they’d be stupid not to hire you. Com’on The Bear is one of the best new restaurants in the city, and I’ve been dying to try it.”

The four of you had a phenomenal meal, although there was something eerily similar about it. “I swear I’ve had this exact meal before.” you laughed.

Carmy was walking to the hostess stand when he heard your laughter. He stopped dead in his tracks and quickly scanned the dining room before his eyes landed on the back of your head. It had been years since he’d seen you, but your laugh was the dead giveaway he needed to identify you. Carmy turned his attention back to the hostess stand and passed off a clipboard. “Here…” he said before walking back to the kitchen. Before he entered, he looked back into the dining room and saw your side profile. He swallowed softly as he felt memories of the two of you rushing back to him. Carmy paused before quickly walking back into the kitchen and to his station. 

Carmy tried to distract himself for the rest of dinner service, but knowing you were on the other side of those swinging doors was enough to throw him off his game. “I’ll be right back,” he muttered in Syd’s direction before quickly walking into the back office before she could respond. As soon as he’d reached the office, he closed and locked the door behind himself before leaning back against the door and pushing his hands through his hair. “Name all the brown things…” he mumbled as he took a deep breath. Carmy looked around the office, “The couch… the desk…, and those shelves… fuckin’ Jason.” he scoffed, realizing the ‘anxiety tricks’ his therapist had taught him had been beneficial. After another deep breath, Carmy went to sit at his desk. He opened the top drawer to reveal a worn bubble mailer. He stared at it for a second before slamming the drawer closed. He couldn’t think about you right now; he needed to get back into the kitchen.

When he walked out of the kitchen again, he saw your party had left. Carmy cursed under his breath as he quickly walked toward the exit. You coming into his restaurant had to be a sign, right? He looked up and down the street, trying to find you. Panic began to creep up as he realized he may have been too late. “Holy shit… Carmy?” your voice made Carmy’s brain go blank as he turned to face you. He was awestruck by your presence and couldn’t manage to string two words together. “Carmy?” you asked again, laughing awkwardly. 

“He-ey-y bab- Y/N… hey Y/N.” Carmy corrected himself before shoving his hands in his pockets as he rocked on his heels. 

“Hey… what are you doin’ here?” 

“Oh uh- this,” Carmy started before awkwardly gesturing up to The Bear, “It’s my-my restaurant. It used to be The Beef- Mikey’s restaurant, but uhh, we remodeled…” he explained. You nodded and glanced at your watch, wondering where Danny was with the car. “So uh- what, what brought you to Chicago?” 

“Job interview- principal position at Ridgeview Conservatory.” 

“Wow, that’s fancy.” Carmy responded, “You in Chicago much longer?” 

“A couple more days… visiting my brother Danny and his girlfriend.”

“Do you wanna get coffee tomorrow afternoon?” Carmy blurted out, “It’s cool if you can’t- I just… this feels like a- like a sign. Ya know?” 

You nodded, “I-I uh... Yes. I can do that.”

“Cool, cool… there’s this place on 9th called Ginger Snap- wanna meet up at like 3:30?”

“Yeah, that sounds good… see you then?” you confirmed, finally noticing Danny pulling up to the curb, “Bye, Carm..” he nodded and watched you get into the backseat next to the car seat. You glanced down to see Hailey sleeping. You watched her momentarily before the weight of your decision to have coffee with Carmy finally hit you. “Are you workin’ tomorrow, Danny?” 

“Yeah, did you need me to watch Hails?” he eagerly asked as he drove toward your AirBnB. 

“It’s okay. I can just take her with me.” 

“You have another interview?” Suzie brought up, turning her head to face you. You shook your head and thought for a second.

“Just hangin’ out with a friend of mine.” you slyly responded, hoping Danny hadn’t seen you talking to Carmy. Suzie shot you a suspicious look before turning back in her seat. “I’m sure they’ll love to meet Hailey.”

~~

“Carmy. Ready for our appointment?” Jason called. Jason was a clean-cut man. He wasn’t anything special. Carmy couldn’t pick him out if he'd been in a lineup of men. The waiting room was posh, with muted pastel green walls and some simplistic nature art in simple black frames. After a year, Carmy still couldn’t determine whether they were trees or leaves. He got up from his chair and tossed his empty coffee cup in the trash before following the man into an office. Carmy watched him sit in a dark leather armchair before he sat on a grey couch across from him. “So. What’s new?”

“I’m getting with my ex-fiance in about an hour… that’s-that’s new. Um… I don’t know how I feel about that.” Carmy started leaning back on the couch as he folded his arms over his lap and nervously played with the side seam of his jeans. He looked up to meet Jason’s non-chantant face, “I told her to forget about me, and then a couple of months later, she mailed me her engagement ring… I keep it at my desk as like a reminder of everything I gave up for this freakin’ restaurant- and then she has dinner in my restaurant.” Carmy chuckled softly, “She had dinner at my restaurant on a night when I made one of her favorite dishes- that’s a sign, right? She came to Chicago for a job interview- she’s gonna nail it. She’s a fuckin’ genius… badass clinical social worker with an additional master’s degree in early childhood education. She was always at the top of her class, even when she was working and doing multiple internships. She dealt with me being an ass… I don’t know Jason. It feels like a sign, and I know we talked about coincidences like six months ago, and I don’t wanna get all God-y, but I feel like this is God bringing her back to me. Like-like, the world is this big massive black hole of a place, and my life has been filled with all this pain and shit, right? She was the only good thing I had; now she’s back. I could get her back.” Carmy finally took a breath, and Jason shifted in his seat and moved his pen between his fingers like he had done when he was in deep contemplation. 

“Do you remember your first goal when we started seeing each other?” 

Carmy thought momentarily before a laugh escaped his chest. “I said I wanted to feel in control of my life.” Jason nodded and shifted in his seat again. “I sound insane, don’t I? I left this woman high and dry. She doesn’t want me back, but I need to apologize for the last time we saw each other.”

“What if she doesn’t accept your apology? Do you think you can accept that?”

Carmy scoffed at the question, “There’s no way she’s going to accept my apology. I think I can accept that… but can you concede it was, in fact, a sign that all of this is happening right now, right?”

“I believe in coincidences. I want you to tell me the worst-case scenario, the best-case scenario, and the most realistic scenario of what this meeting will result in.” Jason calmly asked while he maintained eye contact with Carmy.

“Okay…” Carmy nodded as he thought for a moment. “Worst case scenario, she either doesn’t show up, or she does show up and makes a scene tellin’ me what a d-bag I am- granted, she wouldn’t use that language. She’d say something WAY harsher, which is one of the many things I love- loved about her. She always spoke her mind… best case scenario, we get coffee. While we’re drinking our coffee, she tells me she’s moving to Chicago, and I ask her out, and we get back together.”

“Idealistic. I like that. What’s the most realistic?” Jason asked with a chuckle.

“We get coffee, we talk. She decides she doesn’t hate me for leaving her, and I don’t know beyond that…” Carmy answered truthfully.

~~

“This is a mistake…” you mumbled to yourself as you adjusted Hailey on your lap. Gingersnap Coffee was a small coffee shop. It was cute, definitely a place Carmy and you would’ve gone to when you two were together in New York. You sighed and went back to watching the door as Hailey flopped her giraffe toy on the table. 

Carmy arrived at the coffee shop on the dot at 3:30. He saw you sitting at the back table and felt a surge of energy overcome him. The two of you made eye contact; Carmy grinned as he approached the table. You stood up awkwardly, resulting in Haliey pausing her giraffe story, “Hey,” you smiled weakly, immediately regretting the fact you brought Hailey. Carmy was about to greet you when Hailey curiously looked up at him. He glanced down at the little girl and felt his heart stop. 

Carmy stared at Hailey. She smiled at him and pushed her giraffe toy in his direction. Unsure of what to do, he looked at you, then back at Hailey, then at you again before finally sputtering, “Yo-you have a kid?” 

You nodded slowly and gestured for him to sit down. Carmy hesitated, but after you sat down, he followed suit. Carmy stared at Hailey. “I shoulda told you.” you passively excused.

“W-wait…” Carmy started, “She’s… is she?”

You nodded at Carmy’s implication, “I can explain-”

Carmy shook his head, “You had my baby and didn’t tell me? Were you ever going to tell me?” 

“You left me,” you said in a hushed, blunt tone, “Carm, you told me to forget about you. I gave you the ring back. I blocked your number. I was trying to forget about you- then I found out I was pregnant. I hadn’t talked to you in weeks, and I figured if you could so easily throw away our engagement-”

“No.” Carmy spoke sternly, “If I knew you were pregnant, I woulda done the right thing.”

The two of you sat in a tense silence interrupted by Hailey sneezing multiple times, “Bess you!” she giggled, making you laugh as you dug a tissue out of your purse to wipe her nose. Carmy leaned back and watched the scene before him, realizing he’d missed two years of her life. “Tank you Momma.” 

Carmy wrung his hands out under the table and nervously glanced at the decorative clock on the wall adjacent to the table the three of you had occupied. “Do you wanna hold her?” your question surprised Carmy. He thought briefly before slowly nodding, “Okay… so Hailey, this is one of Mommy’s friends?” you stopped yourself and sighed. “That’s a lie… this is your Dad…” 

Dad. Camy felt like his chest would explode as you spoke to Hailey. The word echoed in his head as he accepted Hailey in his arms. She looked up at him with curious eyes. “Hi,” she softly greeted him as she reached up to touch Carmy’s face. He smiled at her.

“Hi,” Carmy repeated softly, “Is-is that- do… do you like giraffes?” 

~~

You were supposed to go back to New York the day after tomorrow; you stared up at the ceiling that night. As tired as you were, you couldn’t turn your brain off. Guilt, shame, regret… you should’ve told Carmy you were pregnant. What did he even mean by ‘do the right thing’? Would he have abandoned Mikey’s restaurant and come back to New York? Would the two of you gotten back together? Hailey’s life would’ve been so different if he’d been there from the start. You sighed, reached for your phone from the side table, and quickly scrolled to Carmy’s contact. You paused for a moment; it was almost 2 in the morning. You knew he was probably still awake.

“Hey- you okay?” Carmy answered on the first ring. “Yeah- can’t sleep… I’m due back in New York… I don’t know if I got the principal job… what do we do?” your voice quivered as you softly spoke into the phone. “I don’t know… I know I’ve only met Hailey once, but I love her. I can’t walk away from her.” 

“Are you watching that Italian grandma cooking show?” Carmy chuckled at your question, “Yeah… can’t sleep.” the line was quiet momentarily, “Hailey and I used to watch it when she was colic.” 

“She’s my kid.” Carmy chuckled. You nodded, knowing he couldn’t see you through the phone. You rolled onto your side and watched Hailey sleep. She was sprawled out, taking up most of the bed with her little body. “If I get this job and move out here permanently, do you want to do a shared custody thing? I guess it could start with the three of us, and then you can have more individual time with her…”

“Are you seeing anyone?” Carmy asked, ignoring the custody question entirely. “What do you think? I’m workin’ two jobs and have a two-year-old.” you laughed. Carmy smiled and pushed a hand through his hair, “Okay… guess I just wanted to know if- I know you probably don’t wanna get back together, but I don’t know… I was talkin’ to my therapist earlier. He gave some perspective- I wasn’t the man you deserved. I treated you like fuckin’ shit, and I’ve spent the last two years of my life trying to forget about you and move on with my life and create something Mikey would be proud of… I regret how we ended and hate myself for not being involved in Hailey’s life. When I was holding her and-and she was tellin’ that story about her giraffe… I can’t go back to not being in her life.” Carmy admitted. “Uh- if you get that job and move out here, there’s an empty two-bedroom in my building. This isn’t me sayin’ we should move in together or anything, but um, if we’re in the same building, I can help with Hailey more and make that a little easier on ya and get to know her- what do you think?” 

“Wow… um…” you swallowed as thoughts raced through your head, “No pressure. If you stay in New York, I can visit- maybe… maybe move back? I haven’t really thought about it, but I want to be in Hailey’s life.” Carmy sputtered. “Uh- yeah… yeah. Even if I get the job out here, I still have to go back to New York to put in my two-week notice and talk to my landlord and just- just a lot of stuff…” 

“I didn’t scare you off, did I?” Carmy awkwardly laughed, “No. I mean- we won’t get back together just because we have a kid. But I’m open to you being in Hailey’s life.” 

~~

“You’re fuckin’ crazy.” Richie coldly said as he helped carry boxes upstairs. Carmy rolled his eyes, opting to ignore him. “Carmen, are you even sure she’s your kid?” 

“Will you shut the fuck up? Hailey is my daughter. I don’t need a test to prove it.” Carmy defended as he dropped a box on the floor of your new apartment. You’d gotten the principal position and moved to Chicago. With help from Danny and Richie, today was the day you and Hailey were officially moving out of Danny’s guest room and into the two-bedroom apartment across the hall from Carmy’s place.

“You didn’t say the empty apartment was directly across the hall from you.” you laughed as you entered the apartment. You noticed the tension between Richie and Carmy; your arrival in Chicago surprised the Berzatto family. While you and Carmy were together, you’d never been formally introduced to any of his family. Natalie and Pete welcomed you with open arms. She was happy to be an aunt and to see Carmy happy. Richie and Donna, on the other hand, were apprehensive about your presence in Carmy’s life. 

Carmy shrugged. “It’s not a problem, is it?” He tried to be nonchalant and keep his flirty tone more subdued, but everyone saw through it. Richie rolled his eyes and went back out to the moving van.

“Carm.”

“I just wanna be close by, not the worst thing in the world.” Carmy defended himself. You shook your head and took a box into Hailey’s bedroom. Carmy watched you walk away, swallowing softly when his eyes landed on your butt. He shook his head and walked across the hall. He entered his apartment to see Suzie sitting on the floor with Hailey. 

“Hey.” Suzie smiled when she noticed Carmy standing by the door. Hailey looked up and happily squealed. You and Hailey had been in Chicago for a couple of weeks, and Carmy was really trying to see Hailey as often as he could.

Carmy sat on the floor by Suzie while Hailey pushed herself off the floor to sit on his lap. He smiled and hugged her loosely, saying, “Hi, baby girl.” Hailey cuddled into his chest, making his heart flutter. 

You’d finished wrangling the boxes and wandered out of your apartment and across the hall to Carmy’s. You were going to ask if he was hungry but stopped when you saw Carmy leaning against the couch, cradling a sleeping Hailey, “And then you blanch the greens- that’s when you boil or steam something and immediately dip it in ice water. Your Momma used to hate greens, so one day, I made her this recipe, and she said it was the most delicious thing she’d ever tasted.” 

“I think she’s asleep,” you commented as you approached the couch. Carmy looked up at you and smiled.

“She is… I just wanted to finish reading this recipe to her.” Carmy shrugged, placing the book on the coffee table. You sat next to Carmy on the floor and put your head on Carmy’s shoulder as you watched Hailey’s chest rise and fall. 

“Where’d Suzie go?” you asked, scooting closer to Carmy. You noticed him swallow nervously before explaining she had to go to work. “You’re good with her,” you commented, referring to how Carmy cradled Hailey protectively.

“You think so?” Carmy asked as he shifted his attention to you.

You nodded, “You’re a natural.” 

Carmy scoffed, “I wouldn’t say I’m a natural… I just wanna make up for lost time.” you nodded again and snaked an arm around Carmy’s waist. He tensed at the feeling and sat straighter.

“Well, you’re doin’ great.”

~~

“Daddy!” Hailey happily squealed as Carmy walked into your apartment that morning. He smiled and put the bag he’d been carrying on the counter as he closed the front door with his foot. 

“Hi, baby girl.” he leaned down to pick her up. Hailey hugged him tightly and started explaining a dream she’d had. Carmy smiled and bounced her on his hip. He listened contently as he went into the kitchen. You heard the commotion from your bedroom. You smiled as Carmy’s voice carried through your askew bedroom door. As you finished getting ready for work, you noticed the conversation between Hailey and Carmy. It had been about six months since you’d moved to Chicago, and Carmy was holding on to his promise to be involved in Hailey’s life. Watching your daughter fall in love with him was touching. He was so calm around her and interested in everything she said.

When you left your bedroom, you saw Carmy and Hailey sitting at the table. She was happily munching on a bowl of cereal, and Carmy sat back, drinking a cup of coffee. “Hey Carmy, hi sugar cookie.” you smiled as you leaned in to kiss Hailey’s cheek. She squealed, making you smile before kissing her other cheek.

“Daddy, kiss too!” Hailey demanded, pointing to Carmy. 

“You want Daddy to kiss your cheek, too?” you asked, resting your chin on her head. 

“No! Daddy kiss too!” Hailey demanded again, “Momma, kiss Daddy too!”

You looked at Carmy and saw a blush creeping up his cheeks. “Do you think Daddy wants a kiss, too?”  Hailey squealed and pointed at Carmy again. You nodded and kissed the top of her head before moving over to kiss his cheek. Hailey giggled and went back to eating her cereal. Carmy swallowed softly and quickly finished his coffee before abruptly standing up to rinse out his coffee cup. You waited a second before joining him in the kitchen. “Sorry, was that weird?”

Carmy shook his head, “No, it was okay, but… can Daddy have a real kiss sometime?” 

“I think that can be arranged.” you chimed nonchalantly. 

“Can Daddy take you out sometime?” 

“Only if you stop referring to yourself as Daddy.” you laughed as you playfully pushed his shoulder. 

“Deal.”

[lacydollette]

I’m on my period and I’m really not feeling well and like I just wanna hug and a forehead kiss and I don’t know I’m thinking about like rafe x reader and he’s comforting her and being all soft and sweet with her and maybe it’s like somewhere with friends or something and all of a sudden she gets really bad cramps and he’s like super soft and super sweet and it’s all cute 

a/n period cramps are the worst 💔 hope this helps a little !!

warnings rafe x fem!reader, period cramps, rafe taking care of you, comfort, fluffy as hell

You and Rafe were enjoying a chill evening at Toppers house, drinking, laughing and just having fun but about an hour in, a sharp, twisting pain in your lower stomach threw you back. You immediately recognized the familiar pain—it was the kind of period cramps that made you want to curl into a ball and cry. But you pushed the thought aside. You knew how much Rafe valued these moments, especially after the hectic week he’d had, and you weren’t about to ruin it.

You shifted on the couch, trying to find a comfortable position, but the pain only grew worse. It was relentless, waves of pain rushing over you. You bit the inside of your cheek, trying to keep it together.

Rafe noticed the change in you almost immediately. He was standing across the room with Kelce, laughing about something stupid, when his eyes landed on you. The way you squirmed and pressed your hand to your stomach made his chest tighten.

“Hey, hold on a sec,” he muttered to Kelce, already walking toward you. “Baby?” he said softly, kneeling in front of you. His hands brushing over your thighs softly, “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

You quickly sat up straighter, plastering on a smile, “I’m fine, Rafe. Don’t worry.” His eyes narrowed, scanning your face. “Liar. What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing, really.” But then the pain surged again, and you couldn’t stop the small wince that crossed your face. You tried to laugh it off though, not wanting to worry him even more. “It’s just cramps. I’ll be fine.”

Rafe frowned, your pain making his heart ache, “Cramps? Like… bad ones?” You hesitated, feeling embarrassed. “Yeah, but it’s no big deal. You should stay and hang out with your friends. I’ll be okay.”

That response hit him harder than expected. His brow furrowed, and his voice was firm but gentle. “y/n, you’re sitting here in pain, and you think I care about hanging out with Top and Kelce more than you?”

“Rafe, it’s your night. You deserve to relax—” He cut you off, “Not if you’re hurting,” shaking his head. “Come on, we’re going home.”

You opened your mouth to argue, but the serious look in his eyes made you stop. He wasn’t going to budge, and honestly, you weren’t sure you even wanted him to.

When you two got home, Rafe wasted no time. He helped you out of your shoes, guiding you to the bed with a care that made your heart feel full. “Sit tight,” he murmured, brushing a kiss against your temple. Rafe always went all out when it came to you, not caring about anything else but to make you feel better.

He disappeared into the kitchen, and you could hear him rummaging through cabinets. The sound of running water followed, and then he was back with a steaming hot water bottle and a handful of your favorite snacks. He sat on the edge of the bed, gently placing the bottle against your stomach.

The heat was soothing, and you sighed in relief. “Better?” he asked, pulling you into his arms. “Much better,” you admitted, leaning into him. But Rafe wasn’t done. He wrapped you up in his embrace, his lips pressing soft kisses to your forehead and cheeks. “You should’ve told me sooner,” he murmured.

Your chest swelled with emotion as you nodded, feeling his love in every gentle touch. “Thank you, ray.”

He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You scared me a little, you know. You looked like you were really hurting.” Your chest tightened. “I didn’t want to bother you. You were having such a good time…”

“y/n,” he said, sitting beside you and tugging a strand of hair behind your ear, “I don’t care about anything else when you’re not okay. Got it?” You nodded, tears pricking your eyes at the sincerity in his voice, your hormones were through the roof at this point. “I got it.” He wrapped his arms around you tighter, resting his chin on top of your head. “Good. Now let me take care of you.”

And he stayed true to his words. You spent the rest of the night cuddled together in the bed, Rafe’s warmth and care easing your pain, there was no better remedy than being wrapped up in his arms. He held you close, occasionally pressing soft kisses to your rosy cheeks, as he whispered little reassurances.

[ennabear]

hehehe haiii twin 🤭🤭 making my yappery reblog comeback with this blurb because it’s so adorable and i’ve read it a million times already… also i’m not really sure if any of this will be legible because i’m half asleep with a migraine so… BUT I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE THIS AND I LOVE ELLIEBEAR HEHEHEHE

your relationship with her was still very new, full of shy glances, giggles, and tingles when your fingers grazed - both of you wanted to be perfect for the other. to not rush. but to say you didn't long to be kissed was a lie.

omg i’m gonna cry this is so cute… shy loser ellie I NEED YOUUUUUU 😭 the way i long to be kissed by her is crazy how did you know… sighhh you write her so beautifully it’s like she’s real and in my phone 😞😞😞

you stared at those pouty rosebud lips of hers, and dreamed about how they'd feel on yours. you counted her freckles and fantasized about ghosting your lips over each and every one of them, igniting her cheeks in a blush; a hue so deep it makes them vanish. luckily for you, the perfect moment was fast approaching.

stop this rn… bae… i’m sobbing… those freckles… the way i would kiss the shit out of her is crazy I WANNA SMOOCHY SMOOCH HERRRRRRRUGHHH omg i’m gonna throw my phone how are u doing this… literally every way you describe her is so adorable i’m 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 perfect moment fr i need her to be my new years kiss even though it’s january 4th

you two decided to watch the fireworks outside in a clearing, so you could stargaze before and after the main event. it was cold, and you felt her nuzzle closer to you-your heart skipped a beat. you nudged her with your shoulder, "ellie, it's almost time!"

:((((( now i wanna stargaze with her and get all cozy and cuddle with her and look at the sky and be warm and and and and…. give her a kith…

you were met with a dazed murmur, a grumpy sound. you shook the silly girl awake, melting at her adorable expression-sleepy as a nesting owl. she jumped when a sudden firework shot up in the sky, creating a sparkly golden trail. you looked at them too, but you were more focused on the glint in her eyes—a wonder and joy like none other. she turned to you, grinning as wide as ever, but you had other plans.

HEHEHEHE AWWWW her falling asleep is so meeeee i’m bawling i’m screaming i’m crying i’m sobbing 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 twin have i ever told you that you’re the best writer in the world… because you are… the way you describe this whole scene is so perfect i can see it so clearly it’s crazy… how are u doing that… need you to write a book next please and thanks!!!!!

"yay! happy new year! i—" escaped from her paired with a gleeful chuckle, only you cut her off by pressing your lips to hers without a warning, leaving her breathless. she was so soft, velvety lips and the warmth of her unsteady gasps fanning your face.

shortly, she kissed you back lovingly, sweetly, tenderly, as if you were made of precious ceramic, her hand gently cradling yours.

KITH KITH KITH KITH KITH KITH!!!!! i can’t take this anymore ellie come out where are you this isn’t funny bae… its okay i just want a kiss… and to hold your hand… and cuddle… and take a nap… please… dont make me ant on a stick rn… i need to give her a ninions kiss so bad omg it hurts… put my whole tongue in her mouth and blush like 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅 until we’re both yellow… uhhhhh does that mean anything idk

you broke apart to smile at her, canines bared and everything, and brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear. your heart grew many sizes looking at her like this, you haven't felt such adoration for someone so fast in what feels like forever. your voice was shaky with emotion, nothing but positivity, and you whispered while you rested your forehead against hers, "happy new year, ellie. here's to a good one."

i adore her so much and i adore u twin i’m sobbinggggg I WANT TO KISS HER SO BAD… oh no what’s happening my lips are cold and lonely… if only i had her to keep them warm all year… and then again next year… and the year after… sighhhhh too bad she’s only in my phone… i guess i’ll just have to read through twins whole masterlist to keep myself sane…

i just know new years with ellie would be so damn special. have this i farted out in two seconds...i miss writing so bad.

your relationship with her was still very new, full of shy glances, giggles, and tingles when your fingers grazed—both of you wanted to be perfect for the other. to not rush. but to say you didn't long to be kissed was a lie.

you stared at those pouty rosebud lips of hers, and dreamed about how they'd feel on yours. you counted her freckles and fantasized about ghosting your lips over each and every one of them, igniting her cheeks in a blush; a hue so deep it makes them vanish. luckily for you, the perfect moment was fast approaching.

you two decided to watch the fireworks outside in a clearing, so you could stargaze before and after the main event. it was cold, and you felt her nuzzle closer to you—your heart skipped a beat. you nudged her with your shoulder, "ellie, it's almost time!"

you were met with a dazed murmur, a grumpy sound. you shook the silly girl awake, melting at her adorable expression—sleepy as a nesting owl. she jumped when a sudden firework shot up in the sky, creating a sparkly golden trail. you looked at them too, but you were more focused on the glint in her eyes—a wonder and joy like none other. she turned to you, grinning as wide as ever, but you had other plans.

"yay! happy new year! i—" escaped from her paired with a gleeful chuckle, only you cut her off by pressing your lips to hers without a warning, leaving her breathless. she was so soft, velvety lips and the warmth of her unsteady gasps fanning your face.

shortly, she kissed you back lovingly, sweetly, tenderly, as if you were made of precious ceramic, her hand gently cradling yours.

you broke apart to smile at her, canines bared and everything, and brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear. your heart grew many sizes looking at her like this, you haven't felt such adoration for someone so fast in what feels like forever. your voice was shaky with emotion, nothing but positivity, and you whispered while you rested your forehead against hers, "happy new year, ellie. here's to a good one."

[goldsainz]

# JB9 — NUMBER ONE GIRL !

MASTERLIST !

REQUEST !

001. SUMMARY !

✯ on a rainy night, you reflect on the growing distance between you and joe, wondering if it’s time to let go.

002. WARNINGS !

✯ angst, emotional distance, talks of self-worth.

003. NOTE !

✯ i loved rosé’s album, and i feel like i haven’t seen enough people praising it??? idk i thought it was spectacular and so beautiful… this is my first written fic for joe so let me know how it is/or leave any feedback!

word count : 1,4k

The city lights blurred through the rain-streaked windows of your apartment. You stared out at the streets below, hands clutching a lukewarm cup of tea that you hadn’t taken a sip from in over an hour. Somewhere in the distance, the faint hum of sirens and car horns echoed, but your mind was locked on a single, unshakable thought—Joe.

The last time you saw him was two weeks ago, when he’d kissed you goodbye on his way to another game. You remembered the way his fingers lingered on your cheek, the way he’d promised to call as soon as he landed. And he did. At first. But as the days passed, the calls became shorter, less frequent. Now, you found yourself checking your phone obsessively, the growing silence between you heavy and suffocating.

You pulled the blanket tighter around yourself, trying to shake the chill that had settled in your chest. It wasn’t just the distance; it was the feeling that you were slipping further from his world with every passing day. His life was so big, so public, and yours felt so small in comparison. It wasn’t jealousy—at least that’s what you told yourself. It was the gnawing fear that he didn’t need you the way you needed him.

You thought back to when you first met. It wasn’t under the glittering lights of his fame, but in the quiet hum of a coffee shop on a rainy afternoon. He wasn’t the Joe Burrow everyone knew then; he was just Joe, a boy with an easy smile and a laugh that felt like home. You fell in love with his humility, his quiet confidence, the way he made you feel like you were the only person in the room. Back then, his world didn’t feel so far out of reach.

But as his stardom rose, the cracks began to show. The late-night calls where he’d vent about the pressures of the game turned into hurried messages about flights and schedules. The weekends you spent tangled up together in your tiny apartment became rare, replaced by distant conversations and fleeting visits. You’d watch him on TV, surrounded by adoring fans, and wonder if he still saw you the way he used to.

You remembered the fight that changed everything. It was a few months ago, after he missed your birthday. You’d tried to be understanding, telling yourself that his career demanded sacrifices. But when he called that night, his voice distant and distracted, something inside you snapped. You’d told him that you felt like an afterthought, like you were holding onto something that was already slipping away. He’d gone quiet, his silence cutting deeper than any words. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft but firm. “You know how much this means to me. I thought you understood that.”

You’d cried yourself to sleep that night, the weight of his words pressing heavily on your chest. Since then, things had been different. The love was still there, but it felt frayed, like a thread stretched too thin. You wanted to believe that you could find your way back to each other, but the distance—both physical and emotional—felt overbearing.

Now, as you stared out at the rain-soaked streets, you couldn’t shake the feeling that you were losing him. And the worst part? You weren’t sure if he even realized it.

The faint buzz of your phone jolted you out of your thoughts. His name flashed on the screen, and for a brief moment, your heart soared. But as you answered, the noise of a busy room greeted you before his voice did.

“Hey,” he said, his tone warm but rushed. “How’s it going?”

You swallowed the lump in your throat, forcing a smile he couldn’t see. “Good. Just the usual. How about you?”

“Busy,” he replied, the sound of laughter and clinking glasses in the background. “We just finished a team dinner. I wanted to check in before it got too late.”

“I’m glad you did,” you said softly, but the words felt hollow. The call already felt like an afterthought, something he’d done out of obligation rather than desire.

“How’s work?” he asked after a pause.

“It’s fine,” you replied. “Same old, same old. Nothing exciting happening here.”

“I’m sure you’re still killing it,” he said, his voice softening a little. “You always do.”

You smiled faintly at the compliment, even though it felt distant, like he was saying it out of habit. “Thanks. How’s the team? Everyone holding up okay?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “Everyone’s been putting in the work. I think we’ve got a real shot.”

“That’s great,” you said, genuinely meaning it, but the words still carried a tinge of sadness. You wanted to be more excited, to share in his joy, but it was hard when you felt so far removed from his world.

There was another pause, longer this time. It felt like he was debating whether to say something. “Listen,” he started, “I might not make it back this weekend. Coach wants us to stay focused, and there’s some extra training we’re doing.”

You nodded, even though he couldn’t see you. “Yeah, I figured. It’s fine.”

“You sure?” he asked, his voice dipping slightly, like he knew it wasn’t.

“Yeah,” you lied, forcing a lightness into your tone. “I get it. You’re busy.”

“I’ll make it up to you,” he promised, but the words felt like they were on autopilot. How many times had he said that now? And how many times had you let it slide, convincing yourself that next time would be different?

“Okay,” you whispered, unable to muster anything more.

“Hey,” he said, his voice softening further. “I mean it. I hate being away this much. It’s not fair to you.”

Your throat tightened at the sincerity in his tone, but it only made the ache worse. “I know you’re doing what you have to do, Joe. I just… I miss you.”

There was a beat of silence on his end. “I miss you too,” he said finally, and for a moment, you let yourself believe it. “As soon as I get a break, we’ll do something. Just us. Okay?”

“Okay,” you murmured, even though you weren’t sure you believed him.

After the call ended, you stared at the phone, the screen dark and reflective. In it, you could see the faint outline of your face, tired and drawn. You thought back to the early days, when Joe’s attention felt like sunlight—warm and consuming, leaving no room for doubt. But now, the shadows had crept in, and you couldn’t shake the feeling that you were fighting for a space in a life that had outgrown you.

The rain outside grew heavier, the droplets cascading down the glass like tears you refused to shed. You wanted to call him back, to tell him everything—how lonely you felt, how much you missed the way things used to be. But what would that change? He was Joe Burrow, star quarterback, the golden boy of a city that adored him. And you? You were just the girl waiting for him to come home.

With a sigh, you set the phone down and turned away from the window. Maybe it was time to stop waiting. Maybe it was time to figure out who you were without him. But as you curled up on the couch, the thought of letting go felt like the hardest thing in the world.

The ache in your chest deepened, and a single tear slipped down your cheek. Maybe it wasn’t just time to figure out who you were without him. Maybe it was time to let him figure out what life was like without you. And maybe—just maybe—he’d realize what he’d lost.

You glanced back at your phone one last time, half expecting another call, a message, something—but the screen remained blank. In the silence of your apartment, you allowed yourself to wonder: if you walked away now, would he even notice? Would he fight for you the way you had always fought for him?

As the night stretched on, the doubt lingered, and the loneliness settled in like an old friend. Because deep down, you feared the answer more than the silence.

[penvisions]

return the favor {chapter 26}

Pairing: Post-Outbreak! Joel Miller x Smuggler! Reader

Summary: Your trios journey comes to an end, but what comes next?

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: canon typical language, canon typical violence, description of anxiety, symptoms of anxiety, tense situations, miscommunication, misunderstandings, two idiots in love, kissing, face cradling, gratuitous amounts of fluff, confessions, sappy feels, reunited with lost loved ones, i think that's it

A/N: and that's a wrap on this, y'all!! thank you so so so much for sticking with me on this one, it was my first foray back into writing fanfic and my first ever ppcu fanfic. this one will always be special to be and i am so proud of myself for sticking with it when times got tough, but then again- this truly helped me through a lot of them ♡♡

ao3 link || series masterlist || nagivation || ko-fi

Everything almost seems alright with the world, with the decisions that had been made, with the bonds that had been forged and tested as the gates of Jackson loom in the distance. The people milling about within them, along the massive wall that is a symbol of protection and safety, the land within it ripe with opportunity for a second chance, even in the end of the world. You turn to Joel, who already has his gaze trained on you. Emotion swirling in his eyes, a small lift to the right side of his face that reveals a dimple you knew hid there amid his untamed scruff.

He closes the gap between you, hands reaching for you. His palm is rough on your face as he cups your cheek, but you don’t mind. He searches your eyes, jumping from one to the other and then to the girl standing a bit away and focused on the settlement down the ridge. She’s standing relaxed, her body no longer pulled taut and the weight of what happened no longer burdens her shoulders. She’s a little more reserved, but giggles and jokes can still be drawn out, hands held in moments of rest. Even if they are a bit subdued, it’s a good sign that she’s healing. That you were all healing.

“It’s the best option.” He repeats, the words spoken numerous times when discussing what to do once the skyline had opened up at the crest of the mountain.

“We don’t…we don’t tell anyone.” You speak lowly, not ashamed in the slightest of how things had turned out. You had warned her, but the woman hadn’t wanted to listen then tried to hold you hostage.

“You did what you had to. She had you locked up in a room, she wasn’t gonna to let you go. She wasn’t gonna let you come back to me or rest until Ellie was strapped to that operating table. I believe you, I know you.” His voice is strong, conviction calming you as you even as you feel like there’s something else he wants to say. All you can do is nod, worry easing as you glance over at Ellie as she stares down at the town in the valley. Memories play in your mind and you close your eyes as Joel leans forward to press his lips to your forehead.

Marlene had forced your hand by threatening the lives of those standing with you now. She had threatened your future, their future, the chance of reconnection with your own long-lost family and the one that was forged in the journey across the ravaged land that was the world. Marlene had brought her about her fate, reaching for too much and demanding compliance from someone who had too much to lose.

The explosion had surely taken out everyone she had gathered there, save for the surgeon and his daughter. Whose journals were secured in your bag and had been waiting in the office you had rushed to, his daughter clutched tight to his side as he eyed the calm way you had rushed in there to retrieve it.

He had helped you, seeing the mission clearly for the first time in years. His doubts and stipulations manifested in the questions you posed with such confidence, in the words you lent for him to see the truth in what was attempting to be done. You could only hope that they find peace now, somewhere safe to call home in the ruins of the world. Hell, maybe they’d show up at the very valley you were on the crest of one day.

“We don’t tell anyone.” Joel repeats the words, confirming and agreeing. Seeing the fear of being turned away for your actions. Though not remorseful, the morality of the situation is steeped in shadows. He’s sure Tommy would see it for what it is, but Maria may have a different view, the counsel may have a different view. But there are spaces for you both to fill, for Ellie to occupy. A life for all three of you within the walls, promised to you on your departure.

The gates are open as soon as your figures are spotted across the open field that allows for a good vantage point in front of them. Calls for Tommy, for your cousins, for Maria can all be faintly heard as you near them, cross through them, and they finally shut behind you with a sense of finality to the long journey started so long ago.

One that you had never anticipated beginning but were grateful for all the same.

Ellie is holding tight to your hand, so small in your own as you spy fast movement and tense up. It’s quite the commotion, those close by turning to watch the scene unfold as you and Joel receive quick once overs, you assure Maria and the others on the counsel that came to the front of the town that Ellie was clean as well.

She keeps her hold on you even as your cousins’ approach, breath fast with how they dropped what they were doing and ran to greet you. They both stop just a few feet away, not wanting to startle her or you by throwing themselves into embracing you. It’s still so new, this relationship- this bond that you had failed to set out in search of. Growing too comfortable in Boston and the imitation of life it had provided for years, decades. But Ellie drops your hand and nudges her head toward them with a small smile.

The young girl rushes you, long arms reaching around your neck while her brother embraces you both tightly from the side. Before you’re swathed in their hold, you see Ellie’s eyes fall to her feet, hands shoved into her jean pockets with hunched shoulders.

“We made sure to have a house big enough for you, we would love to help you get settled even if we’re pretty new here ourselves and you’ve been here before.” Adela speaks in a fast manner, excitement obvious as she leans back. It’s so different from the almost spiteful anger you had first seen from her, even more so from the desperate way she had asked you to not leave them after only one afternoon together. She’s holding herself tall, her height and slender limbs giving her an air of grace that she wears well. She truly does look beautiful, long dark tresses and fair skin decorated with freckles about her cheeks. Like her mother, who you hoped at least found peace in her passing.

Angelo is watching with a small smile on his face, glad that his little sister is feeling better- safer in this community when the last one had turned out to be so dangerous. Your heart flutters at the thought of a home, of going to sleep each day in the same bed, the same place. Of waking up in the same bed, same place….beside the same person and he was watching the whole scene.

You could feel the air tense, your cousins not knowing that they inadvertently stepped on one of the loose rocks that line the road you and Joel walk on together. But you hug her back, tightly holding her to you in another embrace. She deserves to have a good life, surrounded by people who love her, care about her, who can protect her. You’d try your damn best to give that to her, grateful that they had safely made the journey here so you could all get to be a family. “We can talk about it, okay?”

You wanted to talk with them both, to learn what they had been doing, how they had managed to make it this far- twenty years and counting after Outbreak day. Because not everyone did and you feel their loss every single day.

“We’ve got a good house for you two, nice porch out front and a converted garage in the backyard. If that is something that would be needed.” Maria speaks up, noticing the way Ellie isn’t holding anyone’s gaze and the slightly stilted air that’s cropped up at your cousin’s words. When your eyes find the man, he’s got a front on, but you can see the tension he’s holding in his body. You’ve traveled with him, laid with him, fought and protected him as he’s done for you. You know him- and he’s not happy.

“I think, for now, we all need to get a good meal in our bellies. It’s…it’s been canned food military food packs.” Joel speaks up, voice rough gravel, his adam’s apple bobs as he swallows thickly, hands reaching for one of yours to tangle his fingers with for a brief moment. Your stomach flips as you realize everyone caught the action. Maria ducking her head to hide her knowing smirk and Tommy grinning like a god damn kid with a new toy.

“How’d ya manage to get those?” Tommy barks a laugh that sounds so much like Joel’s it both warms and breaks your heart. Their paths couldn’t have diverted more, but you’re happy they found each other. They can begin to heal the rift that you hadn’t realized ran so deep, Maria helping to shine a light on it when Joel was less than talkative.

“Well, it all started with some lab monkeys…” And your words are like magic, Joel and Ellie’s lips turning up at one side while your cousins eyes widen. Despite the…rather unfortunate reality of having to choose who to live with everyone you loved was here, they were safe- and that was all that mattered as you all made your way to the mess hall.

You reach for Ellie’s hand again, linking them and following the mish mash of people that make up your family, people from Joel’s world and people from yours. The perfect blend, the perfect start to a new beginning not only for you and him and them, but for the girl who didn’t have a family. You looked over at her and pressed a kiss to her temple when you saw how glassy her eyes were. She had been alone for so long, but she was surrounded by people now.

It’s late, the sun officially set and you’ve settled on the back porch with Maria, she’s heavily pregnant and off of patrol duties for the time being. Committing her time to helping organize and plan things for the town through the end of the spring season. She’s glowing and you feel self-conscious as she carefully shapes the mess that is your ragged hair. Most strands were long enough to still put up in a bun, but it was choppy and dull from the jarring cut you had made and the dirty blade you had used.

He's showered, steel hair slicked back and a thick robe pulled over a pair of plaid pajama bottoms and plain shirt. He looks good, if not a little nervous as he seems to glance up the street in the direction you would’ve come from his brother’s house.

But you had taken a longer route, walking past the stables and pet the horses that were milling in the walk about pen. Now though…you think it’s time.

As soon as your feet turn on the street, Joel’s head turns in your direction. The streetlight just across from it catches the shine of your own washed hair, the copper strands already looking so much better.

He’s standing, stepping to the stairs that lead up the porch as you approach. Lips pursed ever so slightly and giving away the anxiety you know must be thrumming just underneath his skin.

“Darlin’, been waiting up for you.”

“Sorry, Joel…was just taking a moment.”

“You know you don’t need to apologize for that.” His hands are clenching into fists and then unclenching in a slow motion at his sides, one of the traits he had picked up to stretch out his broken hand as it healed. Or so you had thought, it was a tick of his, you eventually realized. And you hate that he’s so consumed by emotion to be exhibiting it now.

“I…um…I wanted to talk to you actually.”

“Was wonderin’ if we could chat?”

You both speak at the same time, voices layering over each other.

“You’re gonna stay with them, aren’t you?” It’s not an accusation, not in the slightest. But it’s almost a resignation as his voice drops in volume. Not being able to stand the sadness you see in his features, you take the steps quickly and stand on the one below the deck of the porch and reach for his hands. They’re warm from the mug he had been holding. Scars littering them and the one from the first night of the journey that led here looks irritated, no doubt the humidity still fading from the air.

“They’re my family, Joel.” You take a deep breath, chest warm and cheeks tingling. “But you and Ellie are too. You all mean so much to me. If…if I were to stay here, I wouldn’t want to do it as friends.”

The quiet that falls is heavy, tension thick in the air.

And then he’s suddenly hauling you up onto the porch and into his arms, lips pressing to yours as he holds you tightly to him. Your stomach swoops, your heart rachets against the inside of your ribs and you can’t help but smile into the kiss as you wrap your own arms around his neck. He’s passionate as he keeps pressing kiss after kiss to your lips, hands coming up to cradle the back of your head and the small of your back. He can feel the tremors of your muscles as you arch into him.

When you part to catch your breath, the words you’ve held onto tight surge up as you gaze into the beautiful brown of someone who you only caught sightings of once upon a time. There was no way to anticipate the turn of events that altered the entire trajectory of your life- leaving you standing here in front of him with endless praise and love.

But he beats you to it, his own lips pressing together as he takes a deep breath to center himself, hands holding you tight and eyes looking right back at you as you look up at him.

“I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you. You’ve been a tremendous help since we ran into you all those months ago, me and Ellie…I don’t know where we would be right now without you. I…Bean, I love you.”

Heat takes over your entire chest, blooming there as you feel happiness you never thought you’d feel again, life granting you another chance to experience something good.

“Well, guess I should return the favor then and tell you I love you too.”

He’s licking the words out of your mouth the second their out, striking arousal up your spine like a match being lit. He murmurs your name between devouring kisses, and between it all you feel like you’ve made it home. Like you can begin to create a safe life here with the man who Joel Miller blossomed into on the journey it took to get here.

previous chapter || end

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[thesensteawitch]

The High Priestess Wants You To Know This

(Pile 1→ Pile 2→ Pile 3)

Hello beautiful souls!

This is a collective reading so take what resonates and leave what doesn't.

If you wish to book a reading with me then checkout my:

Rate Card • Booking Form

Ps: You can also DM me in case of any queries. 🌈💛

Sending you love and light ✨🕯️

*******

Here is your reading!

Pile 1

Tarot Cards- Temperance, Two of Cups, Six of Wands, King of Swords, Nine of Swords, The Emperor.

The High Priestess wants you to know that people around you see your efforts and are grateful for your generosity. But what you skip to notice is that you do so much mental and physical work that you forget to relax. You are very patient with the results of your work, but your feminine side needs to be activated now. You can activate it by resting and eating well. Try slow dancing or yoga. Sagittarius, Libra, Cancer, and Leo can be significant. If you're a feminine reading this, then the high priestess wants you to know that you've been very patient when it comes to finding the one. You've never had a masculine support, due to which you sometimes overexert yourself by tapping too much into your masculinity. But I do hear that God is your masculine. While shuffling the deck, I saw in my third eye, “Luck is on your side”—New Moon in Sagittarius, and guess what? The exact card flipped out of the deck! What are the odds? You're divinely protected. Balance will be restored in any situation where masculines have hurt you or you couldn't rely on them. You'll receive the love of your life; just avoid falling into the trap of past people/manipulators. Remember your lessons because the high priestess is warning you that someone from the past may show up again or old wounds of masculinity may come up again. It's going to be a test, so make sure you act according to the lessons you've been made to learn. If you doubt yourself or are afraid that maybe you're the one who is wrong, then that's not true. I see stubborn, too-logical, and aggressive masculine energy around you. I do feel that you have even adopted these qualities or have absorbed these energies unknowingly as you were only focused on surviving. You can let that go now. You've come a long way. Please remember your strength. You're stronger and wiser than you give yourself credit for. This is the last battle with your survival self. Thank it for how it has supported you till now, but don't let it win. You don't need to worry about a thing, so just stay calm. You'll win in LOVE. You'll have that one person who gets you like no one. You've been wronged, so stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. You deserve someone who sees your soul, not someone who falls for superficiality. You've been around people who were full of themselves, and that is why their energies kept lingering around you, forcing you to think about THEM! You may have felt guilty or pressured or doubt your own actions. You may even have ended up gaslighting yourself. I really don't like this energy around you. The High Priestess wants you to consciously focus on yourself and bring your energy back to yourself. Your focus should only be on you. That's all. That's it.

Pile 2

Tarot Cards- Death, Two of Wands, Two of Pentacles, King of Cups, Four of Swords

The High Priestess wants you to know that you cannot avoid the change that is meant to happen. You can delay it but cannot deny it. You still think you've another option or another way while you're on the boat to a different reality. You cannot keep asking the questions regarding a closed door. It won't open. Accept where you are. Just let go of the past. You cannot go back for one last look. Wake up and deal with your emotions. For a while you do not need to do so much. Just take care of your inner world. You may be having weird dreams lately. Your dreams are pointing towards the new reality you're meant to enter. It's a way of your brain to help you release the past. You may even be having dreams about someone who has a lot to say to you, but they cannot decide or make a move. This person may also be confused. Someone here needs to step out of their comfort zone, and the comfort zone is avoiding making the necessary decision. You may be moving back and forth wondering what to do and what not to do. Just don't do what you've been doing all along. Maybe you need to take action toward someone or something, but you're so afraid to take it that now that thing/person is appearing in your dream. Some of you may be afraid to follow your purpose, as it may be the first time you're being given a chance to do what you want to do or what you feel called to do. But the wounds are stopping you or making you guess. The cards ask you to focus on healing yourself and prepare yourself for your purpose/calling. What you've left behind may have been good for a while, but for your further journey, it couldn't assist you. Accept the truth; accept the reality. Don't keep reopening the closed doors; don't make the same choices every day wishing your reality to change.

Pile 3

Tarot Cards- 6 of Cups, 10 of Cups, 7 of Swords, 4 of Cups, The High Priestess

Someone's waiting for you and your message. There's an age gap here, and they are manifesting you consciously or unconsciously. The High Priestess is being very clear about what's happening behind the scenes. Someone's sabotaged their friendship/connection with you. Someone may even drunk text you. What? Someone thinks about you a lot and the way they lied to you or behaved as if they didn't care. The truth is you overwhelm someone. They don't know how to behave in front of you. This can be a past life connection. This can be a secret admirer. They have a lot to say to you. This person can have strong earth sign placements. If there's anything missing in their life, then it's you. I also see that money matters to them a lot, and they are also very stubborn. You have multiple admirers! I feel divine is protecting you from someone so that you can meet the person you're meant to be with. Communication will come your way while you're working or doing your own thing. You and your future person are going to be on the same frequency. You'll be a perfect match. Okay, this stubborn person may even think that you're not receiving enough compared to the efforts you put into your work. This person is very materialistic, and they think they are the king, but in reality they are a page (naive). There's something very mysterious about this person. This stubborn person has never shown you their true side and their goals or about their financial situation. I confirmed with the cards who you're meant to be with, so you're not supposed to give this stubborn person a chance because there's manipulation or sabotage here. What you offer isn't enough for them, and they are always going to see you from their distorted lens. It's another person that the universe wants you to meet and be with. You'll meet them soon. If you were drawn to pile 1, then do check it out (I feel a connection). The stubborn person has made you cry oceans! You're about to receive whatever you expected this stubborn person to be for you or give you. You'll be receiving more than you have asked for because of how kind you've been to the old person. I also heard that the stubborn person's kindness was also calculated. I don't know; this person needs to do some healing. They may even be taking tarot readings on your connection. You, on the other hand, can look forward to a new journey in love and life. The cards are sooo clear in the end! They say it's time to release negativity, and nothing will come of this situation (no matter how much you try to make it work with the stubborn one). At the bottom it says, “A new romantic cycle begins!” Yayyy!

[mandalhoerian]

Gosh I wish you made such big analize about Xavier and Sylus, sometimes I feel so dumb that I can't read so good behind the lines. 😭😭😭

HEY NO CMON NOW NO NEED TO DISCREDIT YOURSELF LIKE THAT!!!! First of all, this is an ongoing game and story, think of it like an incomplete ao3 fic you have theories for. There are HUUGE gaps in there that will be filled later and until then, they are left to the interpretation of the player. It's only natural, there's SO MUCH stuff and lore out there to be consumed, which are often non-linear that it makes things confusing on purpose. It's all about feeding us crumbs about what's coming, of course we get lost!!

Secondly, I made the rafayel analysis because it confused the lights out of me with the constant nagging feeling that I was missing something and that's why I didn't understand most things and wanted to get my thoughts straight. Like the ebb day theories floating out there as to why he was Like That, why he said the things he did out of nowhere and randomly like "what if i take from you will you leave me?" after the topic was JUST about sceneries and the love and art burns me talk after YET AGAIN another art talk about inspiration in pain. I had whiplash over whiplash and felt the need to dive deep into intertidal zone.

It's not like that with Sylus and Xavier (and Zayne's) cards. At least for me. All of them are fairly self-contained compared to his, I feel like. And I'm sure other people have discussed this already, much better than I can as well -- especially Sylus, but I'll put my two cents in for a general review of both their memorias!

Xavier is experiencing negative emotions such as jealousy FOR THE FIRST TIME with MC. He doesn't know how to process these feelings which are allowed to be nurtured in a safe environment when that wasn't the case before in his life. They manifest in temper bursts that stem from a life of being forced to be emotionally blank. He wasn't allowed to be a child or freedom for himself and his thoughts and feelings and wants, so he starts behaving in a childish way -- it's something he's surprised about as well. This happens when you feel safe with a person that those repressed parts begin to open up and you start being yourself more with them. It's sad when you think about it, as cute as it is coming from Xavier. MC is so understanding of him and finding him being "expressive" more as a really positive thing. She's an amazing partner -- because let's face it, if this behavior came from a man in real life, it would be so annoying. Xavier isn't like those other men though, his jealousy doesn't come from a need to control or possess, a place of distrust, projection or disregard of personal boundaries. It's cute because it's followed by healthy communication to allow Xavier to process and grow and open up more, it doesn't threaten the relationship. This is just my interpretation, aside from the context of their previous lives together (the desire to monopolize now that he finally is with her) and this being Xavier's possibly last year on earth that gives a "i've got so little time left and i don't want to waste it" stuff.

And Sylus is. Well. There's a lot in there. The theme here is "their first time", and it's not limited to sleeping together, in my opinon. Theirs is a burgeoning relationship compared to the other "established" relationships. They're new to each other. We even see domesticity from them in MC's house for the first time, though it is a result of Sylus's Onychinus life making an introduction in their relationship as something that has to be legitimately talked about eventually. MC wants to come along with him and know more but Sylus hides a lot from her to keep her safe and separate from him, and yes it's his business and MC doesn't push (the mutual respect is insane here), but it's affecting their time together. Not that MC sees this as a problem because she's always ready to throw down (AND does lock in and gets one step ahead of him).

I read this as MC's first time finally letting him in and her desires/feelings for him that she asked him to stay and kept making the moves when it had all been him before. Her feelings are growing. And you can see how much it pleases him and makes him happy, he was waiting for this -- for MC to voluntarily want him and be honest with him. That's all Sylus wants. He can see into what she wants, and sure yeah he knows, but her outwardly voicing them to him is a different story altogether. It shows she trusts him, and that's important to Sylus.

She was mostly closed off and withdrawn from him emotionally because they have this dynamic that started off hostile that turned into teasing and provoking where she sees being vulnerable with him as a weakness that would be embarrassing. It's a budding relationship, remember? No couple is all in & open with each other right from the beginning, it comes later. And Sylus is a dominant man (not domineering, that's a different word) and I think MC doesn't like being weak next to someone like him, and she perceives a power imbalance there unconsciously even though Sylus wants her to be open so bad and rely on him more and give her everything she wants and needs.

So it's HUUUUUGE that they showed Sylus intertwine their hands together when he had to FORCE IT before. MC is finally receiving him with open arms and you can see he's delighted. It's so romantic first of all, but mans is hungry, BUT HE'S ALSO SO TENDER AND LOVING !!! GOOD FOR YOU SYLUS GET IT. I love this for him and that he felt safe enough to sleep even though he's nocturnal. Or she sucked the soul right out of his dick and knocked him out cold 😭 the sex was so astronomically soul ascending i guess LMFAO

Again, I'm sorry if I got anything wrong. These are just my thoughts, and they are surface level!

[neysaadept]

Prometheus Chapter 14

Emily Prentiss x Female CIA Reader

Chapter 14 - Hold Space

Tags: Swearing, panic attack, drinking, mentions of past sexual abuse and alcoholic parent. No beta reader, mistakes are all me. Minors DNI.

Word Count: 7.2k

AO3

The team landed back in D.C. early Sunday night and you all scattered back to the comforts of your own homes. It was an exhausting time in New Mexico, but the team was thankful for a positive outcome before the unsub, Gabriel Arellano, targeted another victim. Of course, JJ, Lewis, and Alvez were not tired enough to interrogate you all about chasing the unsub down for an arrest. They were riveted to your animated tale with Rossi chiming in about how he was quite alive and healthy despite Garcia’s concerns. Prentiss occasionally added in details when appropriate and without the chip on her shoulder she’s been carrying around for over a week. No one is entirely sure how things were patched up between the two of you, only Rossi sharing with the others that the talk you and Prentiss had at the crime scene went well.

No one knows just how well and the two of you are planning on keeping it that way. You both have people that care about you a lot that have pushed you in this direction, but taking this next step together would remain between the two of you until you were both comfortable informing the team, your brothers and sister, and Brian. Most importantly, you both wanted to see how this went without extra drama. The two of you were perfectly capable of doing that together without any help.

For now, Sunday night was enjoying a bottle of Stella as you pulled out ingredients to make dinner grabbing, salt, pepper, oil, butter, and some thyme to go with the steak you picked up at the Safeway Grocery store that was within walking distance. Once Prentiss approved of you being out in the field, you learned quickly to keep essentials at home and fill in perishable items as needed or pack them in the freezer.

Everything was neatly lined up on the counter with the ribeye resting in the package while you were trimming the green beans with the chef’s knife. You set it aside to use your hand to sweep the ends into the other when a chime went off on your phone.

You dump the remains into the compost bin, wash your hands and dry them off with the kitchen towel you throw over your shoulder and see who it is.

Overlord sent 2034: You free Friday night after work?

You laugh, realizing you’re going to have to change Emily’s name again. For now, you keep it because it’s too funny to see her name like this.

Whitlock sent 2036: I guess it depends if the bad guys do not make plans for me?

Whitlock sent 2036: And if my boss isn’t going to be a bitch again.

Whitlock sent 2036: 😉

Overlord sent 2036: I said I was sorry!

Overlord sent 2039: Oh. You were joking.

Whitlock sent 2041: I suppose my brilliance does not translate well over text for you yet. Your profiling skills are limited now. Oh darn. 🤔

Overlord sent 2042: You’re a lot more confident over text then you were in NM. Memory serves, you could barely look at me.

“Ugh,” you half groan and laugh at that before leaning against the counter. She had you there. Text was easier to be silly and flirty since you didn’t have to stare into intense brown orbs that radiate confidence that actually made you feel giddy - not pretend play with a mark who looked similarly at you.

That made you look up curiously at admitting that to yourself.

You didn’t have to pretend.

You acknowledge Prentiss was attractive early on with her natural silver-grey hair and facial lines that held emotional history as much as linear. She cut a gorgeous figure in her work clothes and she’s a handful of people that weren’t placating you that she understood where you were coming from. Because she did, to an extent, and would know where to end it and be empathetic. It was naturally easy for you to be open with her because she was a CIA a spy, your current role until you joined the BAU. The gritty reality of what that means instead of the glorified action and adventure movies and shows make it out to be, or even the ones that try to emulate the truth still never nail it down. You really have to be staring at life and death at all times while being in character or you’re dead. All of characters you play at forces you to kill a part of yourself and hide it.

But there were also the parts that weren’t so grim that made you adore her. You always loved how Emily’s face lit up when she laughed and how her nose scrunched when she was cheeky. Or how she licks her lips in thought, a seemingly subconscious habit that didn’t have a pattern that you noticed. And yes, you tried figuring it out. You only surmised it wasn’t due to dry lips because Emily’s lips never looked that way. And yes, you looked at her lips a lot and wondered what it would feel like to kiss them.

Your thoughts were disturbed by a chime, and you look down at your phone.

Overlord sent 2048: Did I scare you off already? 😉

You brightly grin reading that. This was the Emily that you slowly allowed into your life and its numerous secrets that you barely scratched the surface with her. Your mind starts wandering down a scary road of what ifs again, but you swallow down your fears for now. You can worry about logistics after figuring out if you and Emily actually worked.

Whitlock sent 2050: Nope.

Overlord sent 2050: All I get is a nope?

Whitlock sent 2051: Yep! Hah.

Overlord sent 2051: Ha ha. Then how about an answer to my question. You like avoiding them.

Whitlock sent 2054: Yes, I’m free Friday. Unless Brian calls me for something. Which is not likely.

Whitlock sent 2054: And this is a for real CIA call in and not made up before you say ANYTHING

Overlord sent 2055: Wouldn’t dream of it. See you tomorrow?

This baffles you because of course you’re seeing her tomorrow. Why would Emily say something so pedestrian?

Then you smack your forehead. “Fucking idiot,” you mutter to yourself. She was ending the communication politely because it was getting late.

Whitlock sent 2057: You know it. Now off to my date with a steak.

You look at your text and decide to add a little more, realizing you didn’t want to end the conversation so soon.

Whitlock sent 2058: What’s for dinner on your end?

And then your phone rings. It’s Overlord’s name staring back at you. You pick it up and answer perplexedly. “Uh … hi?”

“Hello to you, too. And to answer your questions.”

Your eyes narrow because you on had one question, not multiple to warrant a plural.

“Based on the menus currently on my table, Chinese or pizza. And I called because I felt it was not only quicker to talk this way, I wanted to hear your voice instead.”

If you could melt, you’d be a puddle on the floor with how sweet that is. “Maybe your profiling skills are better over text than I thought.”

“Hm. And why’s that?” she asks with her voice dropping an octave lower, making your shiver.

“Uh … cuz I kinda didn’t want our conversation to end just yet,” you admit with such ease that surprises you.

“Mm. Me too. I just wanted to be polite since it’s late after a long case.”

You can hear her smiling into the phone as her voice goes back to its usual cadence. And fuck it all, you’re smiling like a fool too knowing you both felt the same. “Yeah?”

That’s all you have to say because you are dumbstruck with her honesty. You hear her chuckle softly and say your name. “Yes.”

“Well, to be fair. You need to eat and take out’s gonna be at least an hour if you don’t get on that soon. I don’t want you starving.” You pull the phone back and put her on speaker to free up your hands to work on dinner. You grab the green beans you trimmed and bring them over to the sink where the strainer is waiting for them. You turn on the water and start rinsing. Normally you’d soak them overnight, but you weren’t waking your ass up that early to cook. “You need to take care of yourself, too.”

“What’re you doing?” she asks and then a sense of concern bubbles forth that you can’t control.

“Wait. Are you at the office?” you say, partly accusing.

“No. I’m actually home.”

“I’m glad to hear that despite Armageddon coming.”

“Funny.” Her tone is sarcastic and amused. “But what’re you doing? I hear the water going.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ve deduced you’re on speaker.”

“Indeed.”

“Kinda need both hands to cook.”

“Wait. You’re cooking?” she can’t hide her shock, and it makes you frown.

“Why is that so surprising?” you ask, taking the green beans from the strainer to the pan waiting for them. It wasn’t hot yet, unlike the steak pan that you wanted smoking hot.

“Well, I suppose it isn’t. I just didn’t know you can cook.”

You hum thoughtfully and take the ribeye out of the wrappings and place it on the cutting board to trim. It was a lot for one person, but you were making a few meals out of this for work, too. “We don’t know a lot about each other yet so everything's going to be new, and maybe a surprise because of preconceived notions. For instance, can you cook?”

She laughs. “A little ... well, no. Not really. I know some basics and a couple of dishes Dave’s taught me. But left to my own devices? I’ll just burn everything.”

You chuckle. “And now I know why you live on takeout.”

“Unfortunately.” She pauses there as you set aside your knife once satisfied with how the steak looks. You then season with salt and pepper and flip the steak over with a soft thunk to generously prepare the other side, too. The silence was quite comfortable, and you imagine that Emily was picturing what you were doing based on sounds alone.

“Well, maybe if things go well, I can not only feed you properly, but I can also teach you how to cook,” you say offhandedly.

“Or you could feed me properly now.”

Emily boldness stops you in mid salting. “Uh …”

You can hear how smug she is at making you lose your words. “It’s merely a suggestion, honey.”

Now your eyes widen with the pet name that had only been used playfully as co-workers. This was definitely an escalation of its use here as Emily’s voice held a soft purr at the end of the word. Would this be a good idea right now to entertain Emily at your apartment, or should you both wait for a proper date? Though was anything about your life proper? That is a resounding no. Your life became a fucked up story since your dad first put his hands on you and your mother ignored it all with booze.

Fuck it. You return back to seasoning the steak and go digging for more information. “And why are you offering said suggestion besides you being hungry.”

“Truthfully?”

“The only kind I like right now when it comes to us,” you declare with raw honesty.

“Well, we can wait until Friday if you’re more comfortable with that, but I’d like to try and spend more quality time with you to make up for all the bullshit that I put you through this past week. I can’t change what I did, but if you’re open for it, I’d just really like to see you again that isn’t involving work.”

Warmth spreads through your heart and you can’t stop your mouth from answering positively. “Then come over.”

You surmise it takes Emily by surprise how quickly you agree as she has to take a few seconds to respond. Her voice is tentative. “Are you sure?”

You lean over the counter and nod to yourself, physically making sure you truly are okay with this. “I am. I’ve got enough food for two, and then some. Just won’t have as much leftovers for work now, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for you.”

She chuckles. “Only if you’re sure …”

You smile. “I am.”

“Then I’ll be over shortly. Say twenty minutes?”

You open your eyes and remember how close Emily lives to you. “Uh …” You wince, utterly annoyed that this woman can render you stupid with an inability to speak properly.

“Is that too soon?” she asks cautiously. Perhaps Emily was reconsidering based on your reaction.

“No!” You slam your eyes shut with how desperate you sound. “I mean. That’s fine. Dinner should be ready then.”

“Are you sure this okay with you? If it isn’t, I’m fine with delaying this until the weekend.”

Emily is very thoughtful and the affection that you have for her overtakes the nervousness you feel. “Yes, it is. Really. Just, can we … uh … just, ya know? Keep this chill? Don’t go crazy with it being a date. Though I guess it kinda is. I mean, maybe a … pre-date.”

What the absolute fuck is wrong with you?

“I’ll come as is.”

Thankfully Emily doesn’t think anything is wrong with you. “Well, don’t come barefoot. You need shoes or something.”

She chuckles. “See you soon.”

After you hang up with Emily, you focus on making dinner. You’ve done this dish countless times, but this os the first time making it for someone you want to impress, not needing to. You cover the beans and set it to simmer and put the steak in the over to finish off before setting the table. You keep it simple and set it like you would eat but for two with the added salt and pepper shakers in case Emily needs them. You do opt for wine glasses and wait for her to arrive so she can pick out what you have on hand, which is limited since you weren’t the big wine drinker like Emily.

And then you realize you should have asked Emily to bring a bottle she liked. “Dumbass,” you mutter, while staring down at the square table set for two just as there was a knock at the door.

Your head snaps up in that direction and you close your eyes to take a deep breath. When you open your eyes, you take one last look at yourself, still wearing your CIA shirt, black sweats and bare feet. You wiggle your toes nervously and consider putting on socks, but you asked Emily to come as is and you should, too.

Walking to the door, you’re telling yourself not to be nervous and when you confirm through the peephole that it’s Emily, that plan goes out the window. She completed the assignment as coming as is and ended up way over dressed than you since she was still in her work clothes. They were wrinkled from wear, so there’s that, and she had her hair pulled back in a messy bun with a few strands left flowing around her face. You smile and laugh wordlessly seeing that she wore a pair of sneakers and carries a bottle of wine.

Knowing you can work with this; your nerves calm some as you open the door. “Right on time,” you announce with a smile that she immediately matches.

Her eyes absorb every detail of yours and you feel naked under her penetrating gaze. With a small purse of her lips, she holds up a bottle of cabernet. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“Actually, I was feeling really dumb for not telling you to bring something,” you admit while stepping aside. “Come on in.” When you close the door, you point to the kitchen counter. “You can put it there.”

“It smells amazing in here,” Emily says while scanning the kitchen for the source of the delicious smells. She does see a covered pan on the stove and a breadbasket next to the bottle she set down. She could feel the warmth coming from the sliced-up baguette and smiles at the added touch.

“Let me get your coat.” You approach Emily from behind and take the long black coat by the collar as she adjusts her arms to assist you.

“Thanks.” She tucks her hands into pants pockets and watches you hang up her coat in the hallway closet. You’re hiding it well, but she can tell you’re nervous by how thoughtfully precise you were in smoothing out her coat and making extra space for it when you hung it up. You purposefully left gaps on either side of it so nothing would touch it.

“Want me to pour the wine?” She’s hoping the light conversation will make this more familiar and comfortable.

“Uh, sure. Corkscrew’s in the drawer on the right next to the sink.”

She works taking off the foil as you come padding back into the kitchen like you owned it. Your moves were comfortable, dare say adept, at opening the oven and taking out the pan that was heating in there with a plain oven mitt. She couldn’t help an adoring smile that graces her lips as you kick the oven close with a bare foot.

You’re ignorant of Emily’s gaze but hear her rummaging through the drawer for the corkscrew as you test the steak. You nod, liking the feel for a medium rare, toss the kitchen towel over your shoulder and let it rest. Your focus was putting the green beans in a serving bowl you have never used but this is the first time entertaining someone at this location.

When you turn around, Emily’s pouring the wine, and you take that moment for a silent breath. You grab the breadbasket along the way to the table. You didn’t get a good look at the bottle, but it looks fancy. “What did you bring?”

“A Chateau Palmer Bordeaux.” She rattles it off so casually like the bottle doesn’t go for several hundred dollars.

“There was a memo about keeping this chill.”

“And why isn’t this chill?” There is confusion in her voice as Emily sets the bottle down. “This goes well with steak.”

Your fingers rub at your forehead, eyes squinting in bewilderment. “Because that company only makes bottles that are the cheapest at a hundred bucks.”

Her eyebrows raise with puzzlement. “And?”

“That’s way too much on a chill dinner …” You bring your hand down and gesture wildly at the space between the two of you. “…thing. This dinner thing we’re having.”

With a silent oh, she approaches you and takes your hands in hers. Her thumbs press firmly against the top of your hands and start to rub circles once you don’t back away from the closeness. “I wanted to bring it. Consider it a gift since you’re gifting me with an actual home cooked meal.”

She tests the waters further and takes a step forward, causing your joined hands to rise upwards between the two of you. You bring your eyes up and gaze into serene ones. Emily’s posture was calm and inviting, her lips parting in a slight smile. There was nothing for you to fear and you feel your body lose some of its tension and squeeze her hands back. “Yeah. That makes sense.”

Her voice is soft and gently wants to confirm. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” You nod and her eyes sparkle with affection.

“Good.” Emily takes it a step further and leans forward to press a chaste kiss against your cheek. Your body experiences warmth throughout from the gentle display that felt natural between the two of you. You feel the brush of her nose graze along your cheek for just a moment before she was back searching your eyes for any discomfort. Seeing none, she coyly drops her head towards the table. “Shall we eat then?”

You eagerly nod. “Yeah. Take a seat and I’ll be right there.”

The two of you share a smile and a lingering touch of fingers taking their time to unwind from one another so you could get back to the kitchen. With renewed purpose, you take the butter near the stove that you placed there to help soften it up and put it on the island counter so it wouldn’t start to melt. Then you focus on slicing the meat and grin proudly that the juices remain intact from resting. You slide the knife under the strips to plate and bring everything over to Emily, who was sitting and enjoying a sip of the wine.

Her eyes light up, impressed with your skills, and compliments. “Are you sure I’m not at a Michelin Star restaurant? This looks steak house quality.”

You blush as you put everything down on the table. “Thanks. I got bored a lot on assignments. And when I could,” you then take the seat across from Emily and shrug, “I learned how to cook.”

“A worthwhile skill to master.” She eagerly brings her hands up but then slowly curls them closed. “Ah …”

Her eyes are questioning, and you chuckle, making your nervously bouncing leg stop so you can gesture over the food. “Please!’

As Emily fills her plate, you follow soon after, until you have both forks and steak knives ready in hand. You wait on digging in as you want to see Emily’s response to your cooking firsthand and closely observe her cutting off a piece of steak and begin to bring it to her mouth.

You’re feeling confident and wanting to tease her, so you bring up your steak knife and point it at her with an impish grin and teasing eyes before she could get the morsel into her mouth. “You dare ask for steak sauce; I’m kicking you outta here.”

Her mouth clamps shut before nodding once quickly. “Noted.”

You observed one another – Emily noticing how your lips were trying to remain even, though the edges were twitching in anticipation, and you seeing how delighted she was by this with the softest hint of her eyes narrowing. And damn it, you couldn’t help slowly leaning over the table in time with her fork.

Her eyes widened with approval as the first taste of flavor hits her senses. “Oh my god” She blinks several times in awe while moaning appreciatively. “This is so fucking good.”

You are overwhelmingly happy by Emily’s response and your face lights up with a radiant smile. Did you ever feel genuinely happy like this in your life? You’re having trouble matching this emotion to anything else that was considered good in your experience but come up short. To add to the moment, Emily winks at you and adds. “Putting steak sauce on this would be an atrocity. So, I guess I can stay, huh?”

You look away and lightly rub your tongue behind your lower lip modestly. When you look up, Emily was still enjoying the first bite and cutting the next while looking at you coyly. “Yeah,” you chuckle. “I guess you can stay.”

The two of you share a warm smile and as you start cutting your steak, you begin to realize that this wasn’t so difficult. It was just like sharing a meal in Emily’s office, the two of you being playful and chatting it up as usual, minus the pretense that the two of you actually felt something more heightened than friendship.

You’re starving from a long flight and barely eaten anything besides jet food and an apple that you munched on while walking home from the store. With the gusto that Emily is attacking her plate, you figure she was equally as hungry. The first strips of steak and handful of beans disappeared without a word spoken and finally Emily considers you while sipping her wine. The hairs on the back of your neck rise with dread.

The time for small talk during a date has arrived.

In your panic, you remind yourself that this is just you and Emily talking. You’ve done this many a time before. Be cool.

Emily swirls the wine in her glass as she regards you. “Is it possible to revisit a question I once had but you couldn’t answer?”

“Uh, which one? You got quite a few of those,” you laugh, that simple act helping your body to relax against the chair with bread in hand.

You take a bite of it when Emily chuckles too. “Well, I was thinking since I’m sitting here with you now when few know where you are … if you can now tell me how you joined the CIA?” She asked her question quite thoughtfully by how slowly she asked it. This had been a source of contention between you and Emily wanted to avoid yet another misunderstanding.

“Hm.” Your brows furrow as you finish chewing your food. Can you? Should you? Will you even be able to verbalize all the shit you’ve been through without scaring her off?

Charlie said Emily wouldn’t be so easily frightened but there’s no way of knowing how she’d react. Not until you take that dive. Take that chance.

“Hm is more of an answer than I got last time,” Emily teases gently.

That makes you laugh. “True. It’s more logistics now. You do have some sense of clearance now. How much tho?”

Her brows raise up in wonder. “I’m not entirely sure. It was only on a verbal okay versus anything on paper.”

“Ah. Fair enough.” You sit up to angle your hand into your pocket to pull out your phone.

“What’re you doing?”

“Texting Brian.”

“… for?” She’s on alert and sets her glass down.

Whitlock sent 2147: Hey, how much clearance did you give Emily?

You place the phone down on the table face up. ”To see how much I can tell ya.”

“Oh, shit. That’s unnecessary, really.” She taps a fingernail on the side of the wine glass. “You’re under no obligation to share. I’m sure Korogoth’s got better things to do anyway.”

Your phone buzzes but you don’t look at it yet. You’re focusing on Emily. “You’ll see that Brian makes time for me or as soon as he can if he’s busy. But really, Emily?” You wait it out until she looks at you and you give her a promising smile with the next words you declare to her. “I also want to tell you.”

You hear her softly gasp as you pick up the phone to read Brian’s message.

Dad sent 2150: Oh, it’s Emily now?

You roll your eyes as you respond back, which piques Emily’s curiosity. “What did he say?’

Whitlock sent 2155: You going to answer the question or not?

“Nothing. Just being an ass,” you grunt in response.

She shakes her head, tongue in cheek. “Wow. Never thought I’d be around someone who casually calls the director of the CIA an ass.”

Your mischievous eyes catch mirthful brown ones. “Be around me long enough and you’ll be hearing a lot more colorful adjectives describing him.”

Emily throws her head back with laughter and it makes your heart sing with joy. Then you scowl at seeing the message from Brian.

Dad sent 2156: What’s her question.

Whitlock sent 2156: How I joined the CIA.

Emily silently studies your face as she sips. She can tell you are taking this very seriously with your focus being on the conversation you’re having with Korogoth.

Dad sent 2158: She doesn’t need to know.

Fuck, that’s the usual answer given but he won’t be expecting your next response.

Whitlock sent 2159: I want her to know.

You stare at the screen for a minute, but nothing comes. Your teeth clench together in disappointment at the lack of response and pick up your fork. Sensing the answer to her own question, Emily offers a sympathetic smile. “It’s alright. There’s other things we can talk about.”

But your phone goes off again and you use your left hand to get the message. Emily takes the moment to pick up a green bean by hand to nibble on.

Dad sent 2204: And now I know why she is Emily now. Go for it.

“Huh.” You can’t help but slip out your surprise.

“Is everything okay?” Emily tentatively asks while rolling another green bean in hand.

“Uh, yeah.”

Whitlock sent 2205: Thanks Brian. Really.

“Said I could talk to you about it.” You take a moment to mentally prepare yourself for this conversation. It’s one you haven’t had to speak of in a couple decades.

Dad sent 2205: Stop talking to me and go talk to her! I want no more communication from you until then!

“Oh my god!” You start giggling and without thinking, show Emily the last text from Brian. “I think he approves.”

“What?” She squints to read it and then blanches. “You … you didn’t tell him we were seeing each other, did you?”

“No!” You’re still laughing. “He figured it out just now.”

“And you have him in as dad?!” She can’t hide the astonishment from her voice as she points to the contact name.

Do you, or don’t you reveal another special name?

You nod, because you do, though Emily took the nod as a reaction to her own response at you calling the CIA director dad in your phone.

You waggle your brows. “Wanna see my favorite contact name?”

She shrewdly assesses your roguish grin and eyes that sparkle with a hidden agenda. “I’m gonna regret this aren’t I?”

You bring the phone back and close the text with Brian and bring up Emily’s details. “Maybe. But to be fair, I do need to update it again.”

Emily cants her head to the side with concern. “Again?”

“Yeah. I had to change it back to this,” you hold the phone up facing her once again and right there in bold letters shows the name Overlord Prentiss, “but you know, my boss was kinda being a dick to me.”

Emily humbles with soft, widening eyes, and a long face as she digests this information. “Um …” Her head dips forward as if she swallowed something bad and licks her lips. “… how long have you had this nickname for me?”

“After the first frosty encounter.”

“So, day one.”

“Yep.” You bring the phone back to edit her name. “After drinks at Buddy’s, I did change it.”

Emily opens her mouth with understanding. “Then the fight after Hayden happened.”

“Aye.” You show her the updated name with a smile. “Better?”

It now said Silver Fox.

Her eyes narrow with approval, a slight smirk starting to form as she catches your gaze and when she speaks, her voice drops lower and becomes slightly raspy. “Well, I certainly like that one better. A lot better …”

Your cheeks flush, cursing your body’s response, but soon you’re craning your neck to see why Prentiss was taking out her phone. She only offers a flirtatious smirk as she scrolls and types out something before presenting the screen to you.

Your name has become Hot Rod in her contacts, and you immediately laugh with delight. “Oh my god, I love it!”

And you truly do as the shyness that had overtaken you is replaced with that familiar affection that had been growing for some time. Your eyes soften and you start to reach over the table to take her hand without thinking but force your hand to stop as this was all new to you. Are you supposed to do this when you have true feelings for someone and not truly seduce someone to your will? What is normal in these situations?

Emily sees your hesitation and closes the distance with her free hand and immediately your fingers lace together. Her flirtatious demeanor has tempered into a shared moment of understanding that this was more than a casual dinner after all. It had become another apology from Emily and confirmation that the feelings you have burgeoning between the two of you are more than just physical.

Your heart races as you see Emily’s brown eyes grow intensely warm with soft brows arching upwards. You squeeze her hand, clinging to the moment and then your phone goes off again. You feel your eyes brimming with wetness from the emotions that were foreign to the chemical makeup inside your brain.

You force a swallow, and your mouth opens with an apology. “Sorry. I … uh, I need, to uh, need to get that.”

Emily holds onto your hand. “Can’t it wait?”

She was distracted by the intimacy that it didn’t register that the notification was from a different phone. You shake your head sadly. “It’s the burner phone.”

“Fucking Sicarius.” She hisses and reluctantly releases your hand before smoothing out her features in order to focus.

You rise with purpose and are all business as you approach the living room table to pick up the burner phone. It’s the number you gave Sicarius to contact you. If he tried to run a search on the number, he would learn nothing except you cover your tracks like he does. You unlock the phone and read the message.

+18042876389 sent 2241: Tomorrow 12pm EST

“We’re on for tomorrow at noon.” You explain and type a simple response back.

+18318269346 sent 2245: Confirmed

“I’m letting Garcia know.” You look up and see Emily on her phone and note the warmth of her voice had become clipped and informal.

“Should we have the whole team present?”

She looks up thoughtfully. “Are you comfortable with the audience?”

“Doesn’t bother me in the least,” you answer truthfully. You had far bigger groups witnessing you pretend play on a call. “Garcia’s gonna run the call so everyone hears, right?”

“Yes.”

“Then more profiling ears the better.” You look down at the phone and know there will be no further communication tonight, so you lock it down and place it back on the table.

Agreeing with your assessment, Emily brings up her calendar and schedules a meeting first thing in the morning with the entire team to brief everyone on this project you, her, and Penelope have been working on. She attaches a file that goes over the synopsis of this undercover operation, including the backstory that was created for you. Garcia has already responded back that she’ll have everything ready for the 12pm call and for the briefing.

You slide back onto the chair at the dinner table and notice you have a notification of a new event at work. You look up at Emily, who was still busy organizing the logistics of what that simple text meant for the BAU. It was a tremendous lead. It also meant you were now in serious danger if things went sideways like it did for Green. But unlike him, you were driven by the mission, not a vendetta. You know how to remain cautious like with any shift into undercover work and will remain true to character. It got you this far in life and in your career. Now it would assist the BAU in apprehending a serial killer.

“Decided it should be a viewing party for the whole crew?” You mention casually while grabbing another piece of bread.

She hums in agreement. “Makes sense having everyone there.” Emily sets her phone down with a sigh before running the palms of her hands over her face, the loose strands of her bun following with her. She was visibly irritated by how the mood was interrupted, not necessarily that it was.

“Sucks.” Your voice is gruff as you speak which makes Emily look over at you with confusion. “First date ever and a fucking psycho had to ruin it.” You end it with a humorless smirk.

She ended up laughing which parted the gloomy cloud that had overtaken the mood. “Gotta love the timing of these things in our line of work.” She sighs in resignation over at you. “It’s close to midnight and there’s a lot to do tomorrow.”

In other words, Emily was politely excusing herself for home.

“Counter point to what you’re gonna say.” Your body is taking over your mouth despite your mind telling you to shut the fuck up, but Emily doesn’t dispute what you mean and gazes at you inquisitively as the silent invitation to continue this proposal. “Well,” you start and then jut your jaw out nervously. “You could just stay …”

Your uncertainty makes her eyes widen. “Stay?”

“Yeah. Cuz uh, you, uh, don’t live far and if you stay, we can kinda pick up talking and stuff.” You visibly wince. God you suck at this. How did you do this convincingly with marks?

“Stuff?” Emily teases with a brow smoothing out as the other turns coy.

And now your cheeks are burning with the nebulous definition of stuff. Your words come quickly, riddled with anxiety. “You know.”

She shakes her head no with that smug flirtatious smirk never leaving Emily’s face.

“You, you brought the wine. Expensive wine that we, uh, you know, didn’t drink much of. And I’m willing to bet Brian gave you a parking pass so you didn’t have to drive around all over the fucking place to find one.”

Now Emily was holding her head up by the chin with a resting elbow, finding your ramblings attractively adorable. “Indeed, he did.”

“So, yeah.” You hand finds purchase on the wine stem, so you have something to hold onto as a way to ground your thoughts. It really doesn’t help. “You live close. Can just go back to your place in the morning to change. Since, driving after a that much wine isn’t a good idea.”

She shakes her head in agreement. “No, it is not.”

“But … to be … clear.” Your eyes catch her playful ones but yours reflect a hint of fear. “Guest room for now. I mean, it’s just our first time doing this and I haven’t done this. And I’m starting to wonder what the ever-loving fuck I’m doing and why aren’t you fucking saying anything because I’m rambling …. Which is why you’re not saying anything. Fuck.”

Your breathing is quick and shallow and now you’re on the verge of a full-on panic attack. The grip on the wine glass becomes forceful and you wonder if it’ll snap because you probably just ruined whatever was happening between the two of you. Why did you listen to fucking Charlie?

However, it is not with pity or ridicule or even disgust that Emily looks at you.

It was sympathy and care. Emily wasn’t judging you at all and she surprises you further when she rises and comes to your side of the table with an open hand. She gestures for you to take ot, not forcing anything and simply gazes down at you and gently speaks. “Come here.”

You look dubiously from Emily’s face to her hand and then back up again, not moving from your spot. Emily’s smile is tender as she tries again. “Please.”

Well fuck it. How can you say no to that. Well, you can and if you did, you just know Emily would respect that, but the part of you craving the simplest of intimacies with her that only blossomed from the chaste kiss against your cheek, wanted to reach out and take a chance. It was why you said yes to going out with her after stopping Emily from running off with the misinterpretation of your words. You have a feeling Emily was beginning to understand how difficult this was for you to be clear with intent. So now, she offers a chance to calm your spiraling thoughts.

You take her hand, and with it, you place trust in this woman not to hurt you. Because you know that this meant you were all in if she was, which is why you desperately need to talk. Why you want Emily to stay because if she leaves now, you’re unsure if you’ll be able to talk about the simplest, yet complicated, manner in how you joined the CIA.

Sensing you weren’t going to move; Emily gently tugs your hand to motivate you into standing up. You were expecting Emily to say something at first, but you are surprised that she pulls you into a hug instead. You are stiff, unaccustomed to this level of intimacy in a long time that was not initiated by you. Her free hand slips around your waist as she steps into your personal space while letting go of your hand so she can slide her fingers along your shoulder and then neck. In the next breath that was taken by you, you’re fully pressed against one another and Emily’s cheek glides against your own as she leans in further.

Your eyes are blinking back tears, your body overwhelmed with connection that you honestly can’t remember the last time you had it felt this visceral. You begin trembling and Emily reassures you with a gentle promise. “I’ve got you.”

Immediately your hands curl under Emily’s arms and fiercely grip her shoulders while burying your face against the crook of her neck. You inhale the lingering scent of cigarettes and citrus. You couldn’t distinguish if it was the perfume or hair products she wore, but it was a heady sensation that made you grip Emily tighter for continued comfort. Her nails gently scratch at the back of your neck and graze upwards, tangling into your hair. You have no idea how long you held each other, and it was no surprise that Emily stirred first. Her nose nuzzles into your hair before her lips replace it. The pattern continues – nuzzles and soft kisses that coax you from your hiding spot against her neck until your eyes met.

Your chest clenches under Emily’s warm gaze, her dilating eyes searching yours intently. Whatever she was looking for must have been confirmed because she was soon closing the distance between you further, allowing enough time for you to pull away if you were unsure. But you didn’t pull away. No. You wait until you felt the brush of Emily’s soft lips against your own before closing your eyes. You felt unmoored from reality but what was different than all the other times you found yourself in this unwanted position with others, is that your mind didn’t dissociate on instinct to protect itself. You stay in the moment, tasting the wine on her lips and how they’re firm against yours, not forceful, and feel a gentle sigh escaping Emily’s nose as the air brushes against your face.

This was your first real kiss, and it was perfection.

You respond just as gently and after a moment, Emily pulls back leaving the kiss soft and brief but not letting you go just yet. She brings your forehead to hers, keeping you both connected, and you know her eyes are closed just like yours, not ready to relinquish the intimacy.

“I’d love to stay. Like you asked.” She acknowledges not only your wish but your boundaries as well.

“Yeah?” you ask again but it was with breathless excitement.

You can feel her smiling by how her forehead pinches against yours. “Yeah.”

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BTS' Thoughts on Being an Idol Part 2

Disclaimer: I am claiming no facts here. This is just my interpretation of the cards I get. Need to make this so people can see, because they bring the tea here. All is alleged.

I feel I have energy to get to this reading for this weekend. So, let's see what they feel like sharing for this segment. This went how I expected to go. I thought they would be more silent, but nope. They spilled some tea. Here you go. This is pretty long, sorry, but they had a lot to say

Seokjin

Thoughts on company? (The Star/9 of Cups/Queen of Swords) They fulfilled a wish from him, made his dreams come true. They did make him the star he is today. He does feel a bit exposed and had to pour a lot of himself on to others, which can get too much at times. I think he tries to focus on the good and blocks out the negative aspects as much as he can. He sees the company as pretty cutthroat, critical, a bit cold, not that loving and compassionate. I get feminine energy here. I do see them being open to hear his thoughts and opinions, but they don't show much compassion.

Thoughts on Industry? (3 of Pentacles/The Hanged Man/Wheel of Fortune) There is a collaborative effort to get things done, kind of do what you are told, follow orders. I see him having not much input. Maybe he feels hung to dry and sometimes put in difficult situations. He sees things continuing to keep moving and money made here. It is like he goes through the motions. He doesn't really invest his energy in the industry too much. His energy feels pretty nonchalant about things.

Effect idol life has had on him? (3 of Swords rv/King of Cups/The Moon/King of Pentacles) Well, this question he seems the most passionate about, cards flew out for this one. There are some things he hasn't healed from or worked through or he can't really communicate the things that has made him upset. I am getting again, about being exposed somehow. There could be some things that he hides and doesn't want to share. There are a lot of emotions he is feeling though. He could feel slighted by this KOP's. I asked for a clarifier and got the hanged man, this goes along with the question above I guess he feels upset that this person leaves him hanging out to dry. He seems to have a different viewpoint on this KOP's now, maybe he has new insight to this person that he didn't have before. This KOP's could have put him in a lot of difficult situations.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry? (6 of Pentacles/7 of Pentacles/Death) Dude, why did I have to get the Death card here, do not like that card, but it could mean he wants some ending or change to happen, for some things to end. He wants to be paid fairly and got what he is owed, I felt that in the question above to, but didn't feel like sharing it, but getting that sense here too. He may want to create his own image and not the one concocted for him by others. Maybe that is what he wants to end, like the death of the image they created of him.

Man, his was hard to interpret as usual. I struggle to understand his messaging, but didn't expect to get as much as I got, thought he would be mute. I mean he didn't give me anything too wild though, but interesting stuff.

Suga

Thoughts on company? (10 of Pentacles/The Devil/Page of Wands) Don't think he is a fan. Well, he knows the group is their money maker, put out there for display. They have to carry a lot of the weight for the company. He feels binded and contracted to stay with them. This just gives me like a toxic relationship he can't get out of. On these two cards all I see is money, so they all they care about his money. Not sure he can leave even if he tries. He does want to venture out and explore new things. I think he wishes they focus on the creative aspect and let him create more or be more creative. He may feel they are a bit hesitant to try new things. He may feel they play it safe sometimes.

Thoughts on Industry? (5 of Pentacles/Knight of Swords/3 of Swords) He feels there is loss of money there, maybe he feels they can't make much money in the industry. There could be a lot of debt, lack of support and they leave you out to dry. Umm, I am getting he wants to know where the money is going. I heard that when I was looking at the 5 of Pentacles. That's interesting, maybe that is what he is pissed about. This sounds like the story of every boyband in the world. Stealing money and not giving the members their money's worth. I feel this man has a lot to share about the industry and I can see him sharing his hurt and frustration about it, not sure how that would work out. But he seems pissed with how they go about things. I just heard, 'I want to tear them to shreds, so yeah.'

Effect it has had on him? (2 of Wands/9 of Pentacles/5 of Cups) It has allowed him to harness creative energy and work on his vision. It may have fueled a fire in him. I see him wanting to be independent and stand on his own. And shedding the idol image, now can he do that or will he do that, not sure. I see him having a vision of wanting to do things on his own. I see him feeling down how things have not worked out how he wanted.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry ? (The High Priestess/The Magician/4 of Pentacles) Interesting to see the high priestess and the magician, both for me has to do with magic spells, so not sure he knows any spells to manifest things into his life, but he may try that, but overall, I see him trying to create a way to control his money flow, or to retain the money he has or gets. I am just getting this sense of I need to have control of my money. So, that is what he is going to try to do.

Well, I felt he would be more vocal and bring some tea, and he did.

J-Hope

Thoughts on company? (2 of Swords/The Emperor/The Magician) He seems to be at odds with a powerful figure in the company, could be Bang PD, but not certain, but someone who inserts their control, pretty strict and can get aggressive. It is about what he creates and how he uses his skills and talents. I don't see either one backing down here, but they don't agree at all with the direction each want to go in.

Thoughts on Industry? (The Hanged Man/9 of Wands/2 of Cups) He might have accepted things for what they are and has a whole new outlook on the industry. It is like there isn't much he can do about things; his hands are tied. He sees that the industry beats you down and are all for the money. Once again, the pact card pops up from this deck. I had to get some other cards, because wtf does this mean. I got the 8 of Swords, which gives me someone wanting to look away, this is something they cannot face, talk about or address and now the 2 of wands, which in this deck, this card can give me sexual favors and acts, not sure he participated, but he may show he is aware of it. I wanted another card and got the 4 of Pentacles, it is a means to control their career and keep them in line that is what I am interpreting here. Moving on.

Effect it has had on him? (8 of Swords/10 of Swords/The Hanged Man) He kind of tries to shield himself from it. He may try to not address certain things, or he just keeps silent and can't express what is going on. He may feel a sense of entrapment. I see a lot of thoughts weighing on him, it is mentally tasking for him. But once again, he is showing my hands are tied, not much I can do.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry ? (10 of Cups/3 of Cups/3 of Pentacles) Sometimes that 3 of Cups gives me party favors or rituals, but what I am seeing is, he wants more positivity and to radiate positive energy to others. He wants a loving family community in the industry. He wants more love, joy and hope around being an idol and the industry. He would like people to work better together. For the idols and company to work as a team. It is like what they show to the public is how he wants things to be, or maybe that is what he will try to do as an idol moving forward.

I was not expecting him to share as much as he did, since he comes off as wanting to hide the tea, but guess not, thanks Hobi's higher self/guides for the insight.

RM

Thoughts on company? (3 of Cups/8 of Cups/Queen of Cups) This is giving me similar vibes to one of the Aespa girlies reading. I just hear, I don't want no part of this shit. There are things they do that he doesn't want to be a part of. It has to do with woman, drinks, parties. It is like they get offered stuff from woman; drinks it could be. I am getting orgies from the 3 of Cups. But he wants to remove himself from that. I am getting shown a vision of him at a party and woman offering drinks, it may be an industry party. Okay, I can't go further unfortunately. I feel like I am being pushed out, like I can't go deeper unfortunately, they aren't letting me, I feel some resistance, but that means I am on to something here, darn it. I feel he tries to give me insight, but I get pushed out lol These companies got some strong ass protective shields, but with that money, they better lol You guys win this round.

Thoughts on Industry? (The Sun/The Emperor/7 of Wands) What I am seeing is that I don't think he likes that they control young children, that is how I see this spread. I see him wanting to take a stand against them for this. Okay, got something else they control your true essence, that maybe it. The Sun is about the Ego, your authentic self. He doesn't like that they contain that. The first message could apply too. They can steal their creativity as well. Or dim it.

Effect it has had on him?( 4 of Pentacles/The Fool/6 of Wands) He has learned to control and invest in his assets. He may have learned not to take risk. He has learned to have a competitive spirit and learned to win at all costs. Yeah, he may have been more of a risk taker before but isn't as much now. There needs to be a level of control around him, or he needs to have control of things. There is this competitive drive he has gained through this experience. I am hearing to defeat the enemy, not sure what that means, but okay.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry? (5 of Cups/Temperance/The Hanged Man) I think he is trying to find balance. For people to compromise more or will try to. He wants to try to view things differently. I see him wanting to step away to. I am not sure what the 5 of Cups means, like he may want to focus more on the brighter side of things. Maybe he wants to be aware of all the downsides that he has went through, there is a silver lining to it. It is like he was put in a difficult situation, so he wants to find a way to improve the situation that he may not be able to control through his own mindset. It is like he may not control outside circumstances, but he can control his inner dialogue. It is like he wants to find inner peace, and this is how he can do it.

Another one with some interesting tea and once again, that protection that is around him is persistent. But still got something

Jimin

Thoughts on company? (5 of Cups/Page of Pentacles/Ace of Swords) This 5 of Cups is showing up a lot. I see him facing disappointments and regrets. It is hard for him to see the bright side of things when it comes to the company. He is patiently and cautiously waiting for his next steps. He could have a plan to take some sort of stand of defense, not sure anything will be done with that being an ace card. It is like he has an idea to further progress his career, but it is not fully well thought out. I mean this doesn't say much about the company though. They may leave him little room to grow and flourish when it comes to his career. It seems like he may be a bit stunted.

Thoughts on Industry? (The Devil/Page of Wands/Ace of Pentacles) Well, I got the toxic card, so there is that. There is a lot lurking in the shadows when it comes to this industry. Money could be tied to some dark stuff. The number of times I get this card is wild. They kind of shield your creativity. They don't really allow too much creative freedom. They are really about the money and how they can make that. This makes sense.

Effect it has had on him? (2 of Wands/4 of Swords/Death) Ugh, I keep getting this sh** There are 78 cards in this deck and these two cards had to come out, together! This pisses me off. Once again, the 2 of Wands and with the 4 of Swords in this deck, gives me sexual favors/acts, sorry. I was pissed when I saw the 2 of wands but then got more pissed when the 4 of swords came out after it, and it is literally someone naked on a clouded bed. This annoys me and I don't know what this death card means and not sure I want to know. I feel he has lost a part of himself due to this, maybe this is why he feels so disconnected in my readings. I can also see the 4 of swords as them shining a light on their vulnerabilities. Alleged, just a feeling, but that card is making me feel there could be videos and photos of him as well. F*** this industry if true.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry? (2 of Pentacles/3 of Pentacles/8 of Swords) There could be people he wants to build a team with and work with, but this 8 of Swords is making game feel sad. I heard, help me, it is like he is trapped and kind of has to do what he is told. I am sorry I needed more clarification on that 8 of Swords and got the knight of cups and the moon, so how I interpret this is that he has kind of blocked himself off from his emotions, kind of getting that dissociation energy here. It is like he blocks his emotions off to not feel his emotions, due to the fact that if he does feel things that things that haunt him will come up again. That is how I see it. It now makes sense why this dude tries to escape and distract himself. I might need to go read his perspective reading again, because this is making me sad. And I feel there is something there that could help me understand this messaging better. I get an ominous feeling about what is going on with this man. I asked for one other card and got the knight of swords, so it seems he may want to go after someone or defend himself to this person, someone he works with, so he could be pissed off at someone. He seems he is coming with a vengeance.

Alright, that one was rough, moving on. I knew this one would take me a long time to do but want to finish this. So yeah, looks like he has been through it, and I feel this industry has messed him up. Allegedly. This is why he feels so disconnected, dissociated energetically, it makes sense to me now.

V

Thoughts on company? (8 of Pentacles/Page of Cups/9 of Wands) Didn't I get that he was being watched in a reading or observed by the company? Because I am sensing that with this card's imagery on this deck. It is like they always try to put him to work and keep him busy. This page of cups was so hard for me to grasp. I keep getting pulled to the cup with a fish on it and got surprised or unexpected events. This made absolutely no sense to me, so pulled another card and got the 10 of Pentacles, once again, I get this vibe that they try to keep him under lock and key, because of the money he brings to the company, so they try to contain him, it is like Tae can be a bit out of control. I don't think I can avoid saying this, man, why do I have to get these messages, I hear pregnancy, so not sure if there was one with him or a scare, or they are fearful of him getting someone pregnant, but yeah, maybe this is why they keep him under observation. Anway, he is important to the company and their money, so they make sure he doesn't slip up. I tried to avoid saying this but so be it. No facts, just going with the message I get. I see him taking a stand against the company and fighting back as well. He has also dealt with some battle scares with them as well and has been pretty beat down by the industry as well. It is a tough industry to be in.

Thoughts on Industry? (King of Wands/King of Cups/Page of Pentacles) Not sure if he sees that the industry can inspire change and can bring love and compassion to the world. This makes no sense to me. Or maybe he wants that. He would like more passion and compassion. It seems for him it takes a long time to grow financially and build support in the industry. He may feel there needs to be more stability in the industry. And there is a lack of growth and maybe cultivating artist in the industry. I see him thinking there should be improvements with how one climbs the latter. Interesting messaging, because it does not fit with the cards, but going with the messages I get. I feel like it fits with his unique way of seeing things, so yeah.

Effect it has had on him? (3 of Wands/The World/The Magician) I don't see a lot of negative impacts here, seems quite positive. Like this has allowed him to expand himself and get a global reach. He is able to share his talents with the world. And put himself out there, so he is pretty positive about things when it comes to the idol life. It is like this is something he has always wanted for himself.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry? (The Fool/Justice/6 of Wands) He wants to wipe the slate clean, maybe start all over. He wants to receive justice. I am getting fair pay. There is this fighter and winner spirit he has to seek what he wants. I can also see him wanting to take a risk, maybe that means starting over again, who knows. There is this energy of wanting to defeat others. I hear take them down and get what he feels he deserves.

Hs wasn't too intense thankfully

Jungkook

Thoughts on company? (9 of Wands/10 of Swords/The Sun rv) He doesn't feel highly of them. Feels battered, broken and bruised. He feels mentally drained, betrayed, and backstabbed. I do see with this 9 of wands he does stand up for himself. I just hear, 'you can't beat me down.' He won't go down without a fight. But he can get really down in the dumps and there are a lot of heavy thoughts that weigh on him, due to the company. They have dimmed his light, took his youth and just hidden the light he has within him. The sun just reminds me of brightness, life and youthful energy and it is just mostly gone from him, due to the company. I just get he is a bit jaded.

Thoughts on Industry? (7 of Cups/Knight of Pentacles/3 of Cups) Ugh, thought I would be safe here, but no. The industry sells you a fantasy and delusions. Not what you see is reality of how things are. To further advance their career, they may need to entertain parties and yeah, you guys know this part, but that is what I am seeing with this. There is money put into this too, is what I am sensing here too. I just hear them telling him, go, you will have fun, shit like that. I kind of don't like that I get this, but I feel this insight is needed to understand that backroom deals that might possibly be happening.

Effect it has had on him? (Page of Wands rv/10 of Swords/4 of Cups) I just want to hug this boy. Well, they didn't nurture his creativity at all or take care of him or keep him safe. I feel he may get depressed and have lots of negative thoughts due to the idol life. He is basically emotionally done and drained, pretty much emotionally numb due to all this. I don't see this man taking any offers from the company. I just see him pretty much closed off right now.

Trajectory or direction he wants to head in as an idol or the industry? (Queen of Cups/The Hanged Man/Page of Pentacles) I think he wants to connect with his emotions and share that with others, especially the fans. He wants to spread his light and love towards others. I see him wanting to pour his love to the fans for some reason. He wants to try to look at things differently, kind of like Namjoon, trying to learn and accept the difficulties of this life. And like Tae, he wants growth to be organic, oh that just came out, I was going to say something else, like what Tae said in his part, but I guess he wants it that way. Like more of a slow process, not things happening too fast, now that could be for the industry.

I don't know, but the more I read for him. The more I adore him. But also feel a bit sad. Him and Jimin seemed like they went through it the most.

And I still don't get how I get resistance from only Namjoon's energy, but not the others, like why Namjoon? is it because he seems to share the most or know the most? I get blocked off from Namjoon's energy, but not the others, because they all gave me tea here, not just him. But that is what I have for them for this installment. Hope you enjoyed the read.

[lilmonstahhhh]

First of all happy new year 🎊

Today I present me ranting about Imodna. I just love them so much ❤️. The way Imogen looks at Laudna when Luda talks about things that drive them to survive. I’m sad that the campaign is ending and I’m gonna miss these bitches. Thank you Laura Bailey and Marisha Ray ❤️🫡

Spoiler Alert🫡

Listen, listen, listen, I absolutely love, love, LOVE these two fuckers. Like they are so meant to be. The way that they love each other and would literally do anything to make sure the other person is happy.

Imogen: I said it before and I’ll say it again, the way that Imogen stood by Laudna throughout the whole Delilah situation. The way she didn’t give up on her. The way she supported whatever decision she made when it came to Delilah, even though she hated that women with every inch of her soul. Also the way that she just generally cares about her. The deep love she has for her. It’s just everything. The jealousy of Imogen is one of my favorite things.

Laudna: Like I said before I absolutely love the way Laudna cares for Imogen. Even before they started dating, she would literally kill anybody and everyone if they hurt Imogen in any way, shape or form. And even though Delilah was dampening their relationship Laudna always took Imogene’s feeling into consideration. The fact that she didn’t want to make her upset because of the decisions she made about Delilah. I love how soft Laudna is towards Imogen.

Spoiler for 118🫡

So, so, so, Imogen took in Predathos. She took that shit in. She did. So basically she’s in kind of the same position Laudna was in with Delilah. She had a higher power trying to take over and now Imogen has to fight to remain in control of her own body. What I’m going to need is for Laudna to be the one to keep her grounded. I’m gonna need for her to be the one to help her remain in her own mind and not let Prethados take over.

Something that I think would be awesome is if when the group is trying to keep Imogen grounded the memories they shared together flash into everyone’s minds the way the memories of Predathos flashed into theirs. I want the Imodna memories to flash into people’s minds but I want Matt to explain the memories in details and make it emotional and heartwarming. Honestly I would literally cry. I definitely think that if one person can keep Imogen here and present it’s definitely Laudna. Matt bless me by flashing Imogen and Laudna’s relationship into their brains. I feel like Laura is going to cry and I need that 😏

[glphiess]

in this moment

(wicked 2024)

——-

Pitter, patter. The rain hit against the window of Glinda and Elphaba’s dorm room. Glinda was sound asleep. She did need her beauty rest, after all. Elphaba on the other hand, hadn’t slept at all since before the rain had started. She stared at the ceiling as she lied on her bed. It had been a long day of studying and arguing with Glinda, surely she’d be exhausted by now… but for some reason, she couldn’t sleep. Perhaps it was the rain, she thought to herself. A sigh escaped her before she turned towards Glinda’s side of the room and found herself staring at her roommate in almost what seemed to be awe. She slept so peacefully, her chest heaving softly every few seconds. Elphaba’s lips curved into a slight smile. A few more moments of silence passed… then suddenly;

CRASH

Thunder struck, the loud noise waking Glinda right out of her slumber. She gasped as she sat up and turned to look at Elphaba. What a drama queen she was.

“It’s just thunder.” Elphaba teased, her voice low and subtle due to her weary state.

“Sweet Oz… can’t Madame Morrible do something about this horrendable weather?” Glinda complained. “I doubt that she’s awake.”

Glinda noticed the dark green circles under her roommates eyes. Clearly she had been awake this whole time. “Elphie, have you gotten any sleep? I’ll have you know that lack of sleep can be very harmful to your body! And also-“ “I’m fine.” She interrupted, then continued. “I just can’t sleep. I’ll fall asleep eventually.”

Glinda could sense something was wrong. The blonde stood up from her bed and made her way to the other side of their shared room. She yawned and sat down on Elphaba’s bed. “You know… if something is bothering you, you can talk to me about it.”

She reassured, a promising smile on her face. “ Elphaba didn’t reply. Instead, tears began to swell up in her eyes. Glinda was a bit surprised at her sudden gloom.

“Elphie…” her voice grew worrisome. She pulled Elphaba into a comforting embrace. “I don’t even know what’s wrong, I… I’m so sorry, Glinda.” Elphaba said in between cries. “Dear, why ever would you apologize for having feelings? Emotions can be confusifying… you’ve gone through a lot lately as well.” ’Dear’… She felt like her heart was going to explode right out of her chest. Her tears began to fade away when she felt Glinda’s cold hand intertwine with hers, the other cupping her face. Glinda wanted to kiss her right then and there. She could feel her face heat up while their eyes met each other’s. Elphaba let her head fall onto Glinda’s shoulder. She took in her strong scent perfume that lingered from earlier on in the day. “Glinda… I-“ She didn’t know what to say. The two had grown so close in such a short amount of time. Just weeks prior to now, they were singing about how much they hated each other. Now, here they are, enjoying the warmth of each other. “Can I… can I kiss you?” Elphaba spat out. Embarrassment immediately washed after her as those words left her mouth. Glinda felt her warm, raggedy breath on her neck. Without another thought, Glinda pulled Elphaba into a kiss. Once their lips met, everything else had been drowned out for the both of them. Their lips were soft against each others. Elphie moaned against Glinda’s lips, then Glinda slowly pulled away, her gaze not leaving Elphaba. “Glinda, I- I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.”

“Is that so? That’s very funny, Elphie… I’ve been thinking about you too, as well.” Elphaba smiled at the thought that Glinda found interest in her. Glinda this time made the move and kissed against Elphaba’s jawline. Elphie’s eyes shut while she melted into her touch. Glinda’s hands ran up and down her defined, muscular arms. “Oh, Elphie…” She murmured against her skin. Elphaba had completely forgotten what she had been upset about. She was so lost in the moment, and it was only when Glinda began to kiss her neck that she spoke again. “Glinda… that feels so good.” she sighed. “I know it does. That’s why i’m doing it. I want you to relax and breathe… let yourself succumb to your precious sleep…” Glinda whispered. She watched her roommates eyes flutter open, then closed. With a few moments passing, she could tell that Elphaba had fallen asleep. Glinda smiled and her arms wrapped around her slim waist, pulling her into a spoon cuddle. Glinda eventually fell asleep again and the two laid in each others arms until the sun came up.

next morning

Elphaba was the first to wake up. The bright, radiant sun beamed in through their window which in response Elphaba put a pillow over her face. She heard a familiar ‘Hm’ next to her and then remembered what had happened. She looked at the blonde who had lied next to her. Their kiss had replayed in her mind. She felt her heart begin to race again. She glanced at the clock on the wall and it read 12:05 p.m.

Her eyes widened when she realized the two of them had overslept, She quickly hopped out of bed and changed out of her pajamas. “Glinda! Glinda, wake up!” she shouted. Glinda woke up with a melodic yawn. “Mmm… good morning.” “Glinda, it’s the afternoon. We overslept, hurry!” Glinda watched Elphaba scurry through her bag and giggled. “My dear, we don’t have any classes today. Remember?” Elphaba froze for a moment. That’s right… there weren’t any classes today. “Right… sorry.” she spoke. “Come, now. Sit back down.” Glinda patted the empty spot next to her and Elphaba complied. “I wanna talk about last night… and what we did.“

this is my first fanfic so i hope it’s decent

[haifoct]

You know! Zhu Yan has always felt like Zhuo Yichen’s brother, Zhuo Yixuan’s parallel to me, more than anything. He’s Yichen’s teacher and friend, sharing his knowledge and wisdom. But we see so many instances where Xiao Zhuo straight up doesn’t listen to him.

Like, for example, Zhu Yan’s advice to Yichen to give Bai Jiu fruits and headpats. Yichen tries it at first but quickly learns it’s not his preferred approach.

Or the time when Zhuo Yichen turned into a demon.

I really enjoyed their conversations in that moment; Zhu Yan’s self-centeredness was absolutely delicious to me. It’s almost a mirror to Li Lun who always wanted Zhuo Yichen to understand him too.

And I think this is where Zhuo Yichen’s words don’t align with his actions.

When he loses control and lashes out at Wen Xiao, Xiao Zhuo doesn’t pity himself the way Zhu Yan does. Zhu Yan often wallows in self-pity actually, this pathetic little one. Zhuo Yichen does feel genuine guilt for hurting Wen Xiao, rightfully so. What sets him apart is how he confronts this guilt. He apologizes directly, even though Wen Xiao reassures him, "It’s not your fault; you had no control."

(Zhu Yan never apologised to any of them, btw. Hilarious dude. I think it comes from him "othering" that demon part of himself consumed by Ever Burning Wood. If it’s not him, there’s no need to feel sorry. He is a poor little baby meow meow! He has paws!)

Zhu Yan keeps telling our righteous Xiao Zhuo: "It’s not you; it’s the demon in you. It’s alright. I know how you feel, I feel the same way." He craves Yichen’s understanding.

But I think Yichen can’t fully offer that understanding. Or rather, he doesn’t entirely agree with it?

When faced with his own lack of control, Zhuo Yichen immediately tries to make amends.

He apologises to very person he hurt, agrees to be locked up, agrees to go out and investigate Ao Yin’s antics, accepts that anger people felt for him, because people hate "sinners who kill other people left and right" (meanwhile literally dying, lol)

Xiao Zhuo is inherently about choosing his own destiny, indeed.

The mould, so familiar and comfortable, Zhu Yan tries to fit him into, pity him into, doesn’t seem to sit quite right with Zhuo Yichen, if his actions are anything to go by? Yes, Yichen understands what Zhu Yan felt in those moments, but he doesn’t share Zhu Yan’s approach to handling the aftermath.

Instead, Yichen does the opposite of what Zhu Yan encourages. He makes amends.

This is why I think our precious Yichen has less trouble making peace with his new self.

Zhu Yan simply can’t make peace with himself, with everything he has to burden, with his quite literal inner demons. He can’t defeat the stars, is the only peace he makes.

I loved the moment after the Blood Moon in Kunlun when Zhu Yan and Yichen talked. Zhu Yan’s sadness, his desire to die, can’t bring back the people he killed. He must make amends, be accountable for what he’s done. And it’s quite interesting that he makes amends by succumbing to his fate: dies to save everyone.

Li Lun and Yichen, on the other hand, they might never defeat the stars, but they sure as hell will try. Li Lun quite literally fights goddesses about it, Zhuo Yichen quite literally kills his friend about it.

Your wording about these two made me so emotional. It reminded me of this quote:

"No, we're not soulmates. This is not divine intervention. And this is most certainly not chance. I willed this. I knit the threads of fate myself until they spelled your name. I love you intentionally. I love you with every bit of conscience I was born with."

They’re so different from Zhu Yan. They will fight hell and heaven, if needed. They will fight an ancestor’s curse, they will fight against 100 years of cultivation, they will fight each other, they will fight alongside each other.

Li Lun has willed everything he has with Zhuo Yichen.

Starting from extensive research he did about him and his clan, its treasure and secrets ending with choosing to protect Zhuo Yichen with his life. His meet cute gift for this one. This is where we see Yichen siding with Li Lun in the most unexpected ways, I will even include screenshots

While Zhu Yan saw no problem with Yichen having no ability to dream, Li Lun felt it was crucial for Zhuo Yichen to regain control over his nightmares, stop being cowardly, improve. Fight whatever force robs him of his autonomy!

Once, Zhu Yan said to Yichen: "Despite always wanting to kill you, he accidentally saved your life." But I think it was no accident.

Li Lun proved time and again that he didn’t want Yichen dead; he wanted him alive and well. Remember episode 23? “See with your last look who killed you,” he said, then walked away the second Yichen lost consciousness.

Li Lun and Yichen are everything Zhu Yan isn’t. Zhu Yan can’t comprehend them being on good terms, or being the same person in different fonts. By the end of it all, he still believes Li Lun always wanted to kill Yichen, even though Li Lun broke his cultivation to help him.

Btw, I think the only time evil-Zhu Yan-on-steroids fights “Li Lun” is when Yichen confronts him at his home — or more like comes to kill him. In that scene, when Li Lun covers Yichen’s face, I interpret it as Zhu Yan’s powers recognizing Yichen as Li Lun and lashing out.

My ramblings turned out to be even more incoherent, sorry about that! Thank you for enjoying my one-braincell-trio post and for giving me the chance to ramble more about another trio I love thinking about! Although, tbf, I ended up rambling about Zhuo Yichen the same way you rambled about Zhu Yan instead of Li Lun, lmfao!

let me kiss your brain, because, seriously, EVERY WORD in that post about LI Lun IS ON POINT!!!

Was Li Lun behaving like a murderous toddler throwing a temper tantrum? Yes! But he had some good reasons to do so!

Regardless of their "romantic" relationship, ZYZ and LL were first and foremost, friends, who spent 30k years together. Even though they disagreed and even though ZYZ always felt like being a demon wasn't good enough, he wanted to be human, LL still accepted that.

Did LL overreact by killing those people in the clinic? Yes. But, if I saw my people- including children- in cages, tortured, I'd probably snap too. Plus, it irked me to no end that ZYZ was too preoccupied with being outraged at Li Lun for killing guards instead of actually helping his fellow demons. "I will protect the Wilderness"- proceeds to do absolutely nothing crying over two killed torturers while LL does all the protecting.

Then ZYZ proceeded to touch the unknown burning thing and ended up mortally wounding Li Lun. And then sealed him in and deprived him of any choice. And did he go to talk to him after? Nope. No explanation, no "get well" card, nothing. Heck, I think even a shouting match would've been better.

Even if he never went to LL because he was spiraling into depression, that doesn't explain the whole "holier than thou" attitude he displayed throughout the show. Did LL kill humans? Yes, but so did ZYZ (example- that bureau guy whose heart he exploded to prove his point). And then had the audacity to taunt LL and call him names when in reality LL was right in most of his accusations- of ZYZ being a hypocrite, liar, traitor, etc. I'm sorry, but while LL is absolutely NOT free of fault, ZYZ has no right to pretend he is any better.

But the worst of all is that when he got a chance to make up with LL, he let his pettiness and anger get the best of him. He failed to say ONE SENTENCE (we will put your soul into a piece of wood and you will recultivate again in 100 years) that would've made a whole lot of difference, and in the end, he indirectly caused Ying Lei's, Li Lun's, and likely Bai Ju's deaths.

Literally, all they had to do to get LL to stop his antics and even become THEIR ally was for ZYZ to say "sorry I set you on perpetual fire, bro. I missed you". But the "hero demon" couldn't even do that...

If anything, Zhuo Yichen was the one who showed more compassion and kindness to Li Lun than his supposed friend ever did. No wonder Li Lun shifted his focus to him in the end.

It seems that ZYZ was inherently biased against being a demon and valued humans more than demons. Perhaps, it was because of him being the vessel of malicious energy, so he juxtaposed that unfair twist of fate onto all demons (as in, he would not be in that situation if he were a human). Perhaps, he also realized at some point that he could not have the same range of emotions as humans, so he perceived himself and other demons as less. And Li Lun was the personification of demon-ness and all that ZYZ hated about himself, and he couldn't overcome it. Plus, it seems that all demons have a problem with dealing with complex emotions like grief and rage; this is why, in the end, among all of them, ZYC is the most mature one even though he is only 24. If only ZYZ had one tenth of ZYC's maturity and compassion to his fellow demons, the whole story would've played out very, very differently.

And this is why I want to write fix it fics now

Thank you SO MUCH for your addition, especially for bringing up their very last chess match. It’s probably the only moment that makes me genuinely, fucking angry at Zhu Yan. I can even understand his reaction in the clinic—but this? He wanted to be human so badly that he put his pride above everything else, lmfao. How pathetic, how frustrating it was to see him so desperately refuse to call Li Lun his friend, refuse to say that he cared for him, that he didn’t want him dead, that he had a solution. It’s so sad that Li Lun was always open and clear about his grievances, he always used his words to explain why he’s angry.

I guess if Zhu Yan admitted that he cared for this unhinged one, it would show him in the bad light.

I don’t care; I don’t even think he "indirectly" caused Ying Lei’s death. He literally killed him, period. Xiao Zhuo and the rest of the gang were the ones who told Li Lun about the root thing, and the fact that we see Li Lun IMMEDIATELY stop struggling? He went, Oh… sure, I’ll go into the root, we can draw. (Also, if Zhu Yan cared for Li Lun, he would’ve put him in Cheng Huang’s sundial and grown him for 100 years as an apology for the pain. What is 100 years to a 30K-year-old demon? A mere blink.)

And YES, Xiao Zhuo was incredibly kind to Li Lun. Despite saying he never understood him and never would, we know damn well that’s not the case. Baby Zhuo Yichen spiraled into loneliness, bitterness, isolation, and hatred toward Zhu Yan and demons—until Wen Xiao’s words about snow eventually melting brought him back (the same way Xiao Zhuo’s words sobered Li Lun and left a mark on his soul). I’m forever grateful to our precious Zhuo Yichen for forming his own opinion about Li Lun. (Isn’t it fun that he never told the gang about his encounter with Li Lun by that river?) 

Zhu Yan’s hatred, his harsh words, never affected him. Zhuo Yichen understood Li Lun. His journey with Li Lun is one of the most fascinating and interesting. No wonder our director grabbed the two actors and put them in another series together — he’s one of us, a shipper.

I absolutely adore you pointing out Li Lun being everything Zhu Yan hated about himself. His harshness with his former friend comes from his self-pity and self-hatred.

His words, "Li Lun, you’re bitter I have everything, and you have nothing." Despite it being awfully annoying in the moment due to Zhu Yan literally not hearing what Li Lun was telling him, it made me think it’s Zhu Yan trying to convince himself.

And even worse, Li Lun is proud of being a demon. He loves the Wilderness, he loves his home, he loves his people. There’s nothing he loves more than being a demon. He even turned the human he liked the most into one as well.

Zhu Yan is not as broad minded as Wen Xiao claims him to be. He very clearly has his biases. Always thinking about Zhu Yan murdering Xiao Pagoda Ghost that played with them in Li Lun’s illusion. That was awfully cold blooded! 

They’re tragic, indeed, and my heart breaks for them both. However, it makes me incredibly happy that Zhu Yan learned from his experience with Li Lun and stood firmly by his new friends’ sides. And I’m happy Li Lun found one Zhuo Yichen and one little Ying Lei who cried for him and were kind to his pain.

[gathersroses]

@heygutlcss cont.

he's a lot more defensive about something than she expected about she views as something lovely. there's always been a strange divide between laura and the rest of her family. her surname is hope, the man of a man who is, well, dead; while her mother and father's names were different. shouldn't he be happy about the change she wants to make? it'll only be for a few years anyway.

he's her dad. she chose him. she's choosing his last name, too. shouldn't he be happy?

laura doesn't remember "choosing" him, although that's the way her mama described it to her. family isn't who one shares their blood with, that's what she also says, it's who they choose. she's been calling him dad ever since she was little more than a baby. they chose each other to be their family.

lower lip pouts before she answers his question, ❝ no. i just told you: i'm only fourteen. mama didn't even get married until she was eighteen. then she married you! ❞ something that laura has only viewed as perfectly wonderful. not understanding the context of the situation nor their relationship prior to their marriage. ❝ besides, it's not a bad things if boys talk to me. i won't marry any of them yet. ❞ head tilts slightly to the side. ❝ it's a good thing. ❞

her pout returns with a stronger persistence. this is supposed to be good. she's supposed to be laura marianne mcclellan by the end of this conversation. that's a pretty name.

❝ mama doesn't yell, ❞ laura mumbles. ❝ that's not her. ❞ despite knowing well that this is considered a warning to get away, especially with the use of her first name instead of her nickname ( is it that bad? to the point he called her laura? ), she doesn't move. ❝ she always comes up. ❞

her mama is always stubborn. the closest laura has ever been described is strong-willed, but not quite as stubborn as she. usually, her mother tells her that she likes her father. but she never knew him. not her biological father. laura can be stubborn when she pleases and this is something she's choosing to be stubborn about. she wants to change her name. she will.

❝ i think it sounds pretty, ❞ she continues, in a gentle tone, ❝ with my name. you're my dad. i want to have your name. ❞

[fisherrprince]

i could not care less about yotsuyu right now I liked her awful messy end ……