#you now exist in my tumblr brain
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AHHHHH I SAW THR ASK YOU SENT ME I SWEAR YOUR BLOG IS SO SO COOL??? NOT TO MENTION YOUR MUSIC TASTE IS ACTUAL PERFECTION WHAT THE HELL?!??? <333 you sound so so interesting let's be friends :D
AHAHHRHWEDH OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH...... you are so kind oh my goodness 🫀🫀🫀 new friend you are getting your own tag
#holdmyteaplease#you complimenting my music taste has me in shambles#best compliment to exist#you now exist in my tumblr brain#damien whispers
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nine sols meme compilation i never posted
#laughs in inactive on tumblr#you have to know. this game has completely consumed my brain in the past few months and#god. i dont think im normal anymore after nine sols existed and tianhuoed all over my psyche#nine sols#nine sols fanart#nine sols spoilers#moistcritikal is streaming the game rn. play it NOW
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was listening to music while driving, as one does, when my brain, the silly little thing goes:
wouldn’t it be funny if dick grayson killed the joker (who stays dead because he deserves to be) for killing jason and goes through a whole breakdown over whether or not jason would approve of what he did, ultimately deciding that no, jason the happy robin would not be happy with his big brother, no matter how strained their relationship may have been before his death, killing a man out of revenge
cue jason as red hood, pre identify reveal, asking nightwing about what happened to the joker (because of course bruce had it covered up, because in his twisted little mind, a vigilante permanently taking out the mass murderer who is singlehandedly the number one cause of death in gotham would break the gothamites’ trust in them). nightwing admits, because since the joker is dead jason doesn’t have a reason to push the dramatics as much, he’s just fucking with the bats and keeping crime alley safe, and jason has his turn at a breakdown because he just found out someone actually avenged him
emotional reunion. everyone is happy. the end.
#yes it was If I Killed Someone For You by alec benjamin that brought this on#yes i almost made myself cry while i was DRIVING#yes i know it’s unsafe. no my brain doesn’t know that. obviously.#dc fanfiction#dc fanfic prompt#nightwing#dick grayson#jason todd#red hood#the joker dies. fuck him.#i should write that. try my hand at a little angst#but for now it will exist as this silly little prompt and make people suffer on tumblr#both from the story and from the fact that it doesn’t (as far as im aware) exist in fic format#fanfic prompt#music makes my brain go brrr#overactive imagination#its a problem at this point#but lets ignore that
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I did not mean to make my sonas void form this tall canonically 💀 (I'm keeping it though) (hes 9ft tall btw)
My sona is a shapeshifter btw. Hels is very used to seeing it's 'normal' form so the massive 9ft tall one was a bit of a surprise
#art#artists on tumblr#jaloparker art#hermitblr#hermitcraft#hermitcraft fanart#helsknight#oc art#helsknight fanart#love when theres a big guy#and then an even bigger guy#hels has seen others taller than him before though so its not like “wdym people taller than me exist”#its more like “wdym this guy whos usually at like the level of my chest is now well over a foot taller than me”#hels is like 6ft 6 in my brain universe btw#and my sona is usually like 5ft 9#what would you guys do if i made my self incert oc (my sona) hold hands with my helsknight in a not so /p way..#who am i kidding i already made a hels x reader fic..#might draw them holding hands now just out of spite#very fond of my helsknight..#holding him gently#i need to draw him in sweaters and other comfy clothes more it makes him more cuddle-able looking#he doesnt like sweaters too much though cause hes already pretty warm (nether dragon)#he still wears them sometimes! just not often#he also wears shorts with sweaters a lot (me too)#either sweatpants and tanktop/tee shirt or shorts and sweater (or the rare third option shorts and tanktop/tee shirt when its real warm out)#i imagine him just living life too much i think.. specifically living life with my sona.. (definitely not me as my sona or anything 😁😁)#(look my sona is literally just me but i look different)#i am mentally unwell#thats what therapy is for though!
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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Here *throws random and actually much more important than I realised at first OC redesign at you after two and a half years since the OG*
Meifeng, Ming-Hua’s cousin! I just randomly remembered that she exists while putting together my OC family tree and since the only art I have of her is… nearly 3 years old and mediocre at best, and Kat and I have recently spent so much time focusing on Red Lotus siblings, I thought “Hey, why not redraw her? Just because she’s a cousin and not a sister doesn’t make her any less special than Lien-Hua, Summiya, Aiza or Haya!” (On that note… Nia give someone a brother challenge. The only one that counts is Aiza and she’s only a brother half the time)
Some headcanons about her, both new and old (the old copy-pasted over and slightly edited to save everyone the second hand embarrassment of going to look at my old art), which will go under the cut because this has gotten LONG:
Old:
Older than Ming-Hua by around 10 years
Her dad is the older half-brother of Ming-Hua's mom who’s… not the most fond of their side of the family
Has never left her home in the Foggy Swamp Water Tribe
Master healer, specialises in children. Can't have any of her own because of the high pollution levels in the swamp which is why she puts all those motherly instincts into teaching and caring for kids
Got a scar on her leg while saving Ming-Hua from some wild swamp creature when the latter was a child who was absolutely convinced she could handle everything herself and never listened to anyone. Ming-Hua still insists she had everything under control that day
She tried to understand Ming-Hua's perspective on things, she really did, but ultimately tribe mentality and fear for her cousin’s safety, believing her not to be nearly as capable as she claims to be, won over
Attempted to stop Ming-Hua from running away but was, obviously, unsuccessful
Was the one consoling Nuying after Ming-Hua left
Helped Suiren learn waterbending and held genuine affection for the girl, although she ultimately refused when Suiren begged for the chance for her and Midori to escape from Haya and live with the tribe. She thought that while Suiren would most likely adjust well, Midori was simply too Gaoling to survive in a place as dark, damp and isolated as the Swamp. She regrets that decision every day since she found out Suiren became an assassin
Mourned Ming-Hua more than anyone else in the tribe when informed of her death
New:
Was the one who babysat Ming-Hua a lot when Nuying was going through one of her depressive episodes after Cadeo left, and Ming-Hua actually enjoyed spending time with her because she was a lot less overbearing and protective than her mother. Was the first person to start calling her Ming. Sometimes Ming-Ming, but Ming-Hua had a tendency to deliver a very hard kick to the shins every time she tried that
Never left Nuying’s side when she got sick in the years following Ming-Hua’s disappearance, no matter how much everyone, including her own father, told her to stay away, there’s nothing she can do to help her. In her final moments, Nuying was delirious with fever and called out for Ming-Hua. Meifeng didn’t have the heart to remind her that her daughter left so instead let her hair down, covered her own hand in water and told Nuying that she was “right here, mom. I’m right here” and stayed like that until Nuying passed
When Ming-Hua returned, Meifeng was the one to break the news to her. Later, when Ming-Hua asked how and when it happened, she couldn’t quite stop herself from snapping at her because she should have been there, Meifeng shouldn’t have had to pretend to be her so her mother could die without worrying about where her daughter was. Their relationship never really fully recovered after that fight
Still, she had met Suiren when she was little on the rare occasions when the Red Lotus passed through the Swamp and Ming-Hua chose to take her daughter to visit the tribe. She never met Midori, but she did see Ming-Hua pregnant with her once
Didn’t know about Ming-Hua’s imprisonment until an 11-year-old Suiren told her because world news don’t reach into the heart of the Swamp. She just thought they had decided to stop visiting. The news crushed her but… a part of her couldn’t help but go “you should have fucking listened to me when I told you to stay, then this wouldn’t have happened”
Her teaching Suiren waterbending involved mostly the basics of combat (she herself doesn’t know much of it since she’s a healer), plantbending and healing. Suiren reached her level of mastery and proficiency as well as figured out icebending on her own through sheer determination and spite (she’s so much like her mama 🥹🥹🥹)
Is the only one from the tribe Suiren had ever confessed to about being an assassin. That knowledge broke her heart and she spent all those years absolutely terrified that Suiren would meet Ming-Hua’s fate. When Suiren stopped visiting at one point (when she left for her mission to kill Kuvira, got injured, recovered at ATI, reunited with her parents, broke Kuvira out and started living with her, etc etc) she had assumed that it really did happen, until Suiren randomly showed up one day with Kuvira in tow (Meifeng did not approve bc of the whole spirit vine thing 😅)
Absolutely reunited with Ming-Hua at some point and it was an extremely emotional moment
Ripped Cadeo a new one when he suddenly appeared looking for his daughter after 45+ years after it became common knowledge that the RL are all alive and no longer wanted by the law
All in all… quite an interesting character that I really should do something with at some point, bc how come Ming-Hua’s family is the only one to get 0 attention in our discussions?? #justiceformeifeng2024
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original character#seeds of the red lotus#sotrl meifeng#she doesn’t actually appear in any of my works. let alone sotrl. but she exists in that verse#and it’s the verse in which she plays the most major role so… that’s what her tag is now#anyway#it doesn’t seem that way but she really is a very emotionally conflicting character for me#because she was in the position to get Suiren and Midori away from Haya only four years after they were left with her#which would have left them with 75% less trauma#but she didn’t. coming up with quite a bullshit excuse#yes Midori would have missed the sun and everything but the swamp is still miles better than Haya#meifeng must have seen his skittish Suiren is. how skinny. how bruised#and yet she did nothing. yet another adult whose inaction led to tragedy#ugh. imagine a UtOS-style au where she does take them in and while the biggest obstacle is the trauma#Midori does have an insanely hard time adjusting#she’d probably spend most of her time by the giant tree because the sun gets through there#and maybe one day.. she’d run into one cranky old earthbender#who takes her up as a protege for old times’ sake#(and later hooks her up with her granddaughter– WHO SAID THAT??)#and Suiren would grow up to be a swamp warrior who decides to go after Kuvira when she harvests the spirit vines#I’m a fucking genius#Kat if you’re reading this. look at what fun new branch of the multiverse my brain just spat out!! come yell about it with me!!!#but okay. that is currently besides the point. back to meifeng#you know…#‘oh my art has really stagnated I feel like I haven’t improved in years’#BITCH THIS YOU?? look at the OG version and look at this and TELL ME you haven’t improved#my self hatred may be intense but even I can admit that I’ve gotten much better at drawing. in the character design department at least
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i said it on my swiftie blog last but fuck it i'll say it here too bc i woke up still annoyed about it:
for a website that does a ton of bitching and moaning about media literacy and and saying all this "you all clearly didn't pay attention in high school english", funny how suddenly none of y'all know what a fucking metaphor is.
of course taylor wasn't literally raised in an asylum! the public eye is the inescapable asylum!
i think about all the genuinely shitty and harmful things i've said and done across all my nearly 30 years. i have said and done some awful shit, because i am an incredibly fallible person who was raised by incredibly fallible parents and relatives, raised in a fallible community (things i literally had ZERO choice in) and surrounded by incredibly fallible friends. i have hung around some horrible people who said and did horrible things.
if i had to learn everything i've learned all while under a microscope from the public-- yeah! i'd go fucking insane! i wouldn't last ten seconds in that!!
and i really reckon you wouldn't, either, because the unfortunately reality is we're all fallible. most of us just have the luxury of being complete nobodies
#i'm not saying anyone has to LIKE the album#i'm not even saying everyone HAS to listen to the album i really don't care and honestly i'm glad we're weeding out some of the normies#but the way some of y'all act like you've never said or done ANYTHING shitty in your life#idk maybe i'm too forgiving bc ever since i was 13 i've just been existing from one mental health crisis to the next#also it does continue to be LAUGHABLE at how little self control some of y'all have#like it's so fucking easy to ignore the artists bands and celebs i hate or don't like#y'all probably don't even know who that list includes apart from the obv musk and bezos bc i waste no brain space on any of them#anyways it's probably time for another small tumblr break because THIS asylum regularly drives me insane lmao#i get being a hater can be fun now and again but at what point are you doing nothing but engaging in being a hater as a form of self harm#trust me:#surrounding yourself with nothing but other haters and negativity actively makes you see and think the world is worse than it already is#been there#like one of my psych professors would say: cathartic behaviours are only helpful up to a point. they can quickly become a form of self har
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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#There’s this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei#It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻
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seeing a fellow nd trans person for therapy is just 🤌🏼
#I told them about not being able to get myself to do work this week and they pointed out the changes in hormones post-top surgery#And how my T is naturally increasing now that I'm hitting the 8 week mark?? Which no one tells you btw#So that apparently is part of my attention struggles#AND we realized the reason I'm struggling to get off tumblr/discord is cause my brain is desperate for the dopamine#AND they pointed out that the project I'm stuck on at work sounds like writers block and!! That helped me figure out what to do next!#😭 I am very grateful for all my trans nd disabled siblings <33 thanks for existing my pals#audhd#charlie chats
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#last night i got to hang out with a bunch of friends#t'was nice. was fun. i had a very good time with them#but now my brain is throwing an entire fit about it afterwards#all 'wahhhh you got a bad grade at social interaction. something that is normal to fear and possible to achieve'#'now suffer for the horrible sin of existing in the physical world where other people can perceive you'#like come ON. chill. it's fine. i promise it's fine. those people were friends! we like them!#like. dnd and work i can do just fine. those things have clear structures for the brain to follow#but loose hangouts where the entire point is to just Be There and Have Fun seem to be a lot harder for the brain#that just means i need more practice! gonna have to invite people over to our place. bake a cake maybe#(also yeah i do realize the vast majority of people from yesterday are my tumblr mutuals. in case any of you happen to see this:#hey hi i love you a lot <3 let's spend more time together sometime)#sussitalk
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planning classes has me going "hehehe *kicking my feet*" but i know as soon as i actually have to attend those classes my brain is going to be like "😐😐😐"
#damien.txt#having a revival of a very specific academic fascination bc my brain decided that rereading if we were villains is a good idea#which is like. one of the main driving forces behind my interest in history & english#and now im like................. hehe shakespeare#to be fair. the plan was always to take shakespeare next semester. the plan has been to take the shakespeare class since i started undergra#because quite literally i have been interested in shakespeare since i was 11 so. this is a long term interest#but now my brain is like hehe...... what if....... shakespeare ma#BITCH. where did this come from. hello????#first of all. do you know how many shakespeare ma programs exist in the world? like 4.#second. brain what. where is this coming from#and now it's trying to convince me of stupid things like 'you should try and learn latin again'#in what WORLD have i ever enjoyed learning latin (<- i have literally studied latin 3 seperate times in my life)#the answer is never. i have never enjoyed it. and i have hardly retained any of it#but ohhhhh boy the urge.... The Urges....#this specific mood always comes up whenever i get back into dark academia stuff again bc i am predictable and not unique#and i always get back into dark academia when it starts to get cold outside bc it's like something awakens within me#that goes 'oh right. we like academia. also the aesthetic hits' and i go FUCK. YOU'RE RIGHT.#but also here i am. writing this tumblr text post instead of doing my actual academics. so. it's all fake anyways#oh! but im very hype abt this shakespeare class actually#bc i think we might have a performance project.... which probably im going to dread when i actually have to do it#but <3<3<3<3<3 i love performing shakespeare so much. it's so much fun to me.#said like a true theater kid fr but. truly and honestly i miss doing that the most from theatre. and i didn't even really get to do it much#mostly just when i got to pick monologues out to do in class in between performances and stuff like that#so. i am a little bit hype. to do that. hopefully it is actually fun and not a complete drag#okay okay im done ranting
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i swear, every pride month, i end up unfollowing like close to a dozen people--including mutuals--because everyone just gets completely politically unhinged and horrible. either it is aphobia, misogyny, or antisemitism, but soooo many people just go off the rails with it. i dunno what it is about this month, but where i used to look forward to it, i've begun to absolutely dread it.
i used to love pride online because irl pride is so hostile to jews (it isn't that much better here, tbh) and i could at least participate here, but where it used to be mostly sane, it has quickly spiraled into homophobia/biphobia/aphobia, misogyny, and exploitative regressive politics where the entire point of pride is sidelined to appeal to some fucked up groups that this website loves propping up as mascots. no one on here seems capable of being normal about forgotten marginalized groups, like women, aces, and jews. it even has a lead up sometimes; the lead up this year felt like pms, my dash has been so bad the past couple weeks and today the floodgates opened. i haven't seen this much unmasked misogyny and aphobia in a long time and it is only day one. this year is gonna suck, i can just feel it.
all this to say, if i end up unfollowing you and you're a mutual, it isn't personal. i'm just getting close to my wits end
#lucky.txt#as much as i dislike the community i used to be a part of on here i never realized how much i took for granted not having to see the#brain dead and/or fucked up perverted politics of mainstream tumblr all over my dash on a daily basis. like before if i saw something#stupid i could be confident that the ten comments under the op would be saying exactly what i was thinking: ''this is dumb and wrong.''#now the ten comments under the op make me want to throw my laptop through a wall. my 'j' key doesn't even have a j on it anymore.#that is how many times i have *slammed* my finger on that button to get the atrocious things i see on this dash out of my sight as#quickly as humanly possible. i have never rolled my eyes so much in my entire life than i have in the past year on this blog. the utter#lack of critical thinking skills on mainstream tumblr is ridiculous. this website has somehow convinced people of problems#that literally do not exist irl while simultaneously denying real life oppression as being ''chronically online.'' if you make any kind of#response criticizing mainstream opinions on here you will be slapped as a 'puritan' a 'fascist' or whatever other word of the day#that is used for minorities who don't like having their rights and dignities infringed on by entitled leftists. if it weren't for the simpl#fact that i would instantly be barred from like 2/3rds of tumblr i would just go back to the old community and grit my teeth through#the bad parts. it is deeply concerning just how far gone and detached from reality so many of you are. i've said it before but#i'll say it again: i literally will never understand how this website was dubbed the ''gay feminist'' site when it is so horrifically#misogynistic and homophobic even during pride month and women's month
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being a fictive of a real popular character when ur in a body that has intense delusions and severe identity criseseses fucking sucks bro
#I see a double and have the worst anxiety attack of my Life and rethink every part of my existence#like bro im a tumblr sexyman there’s gonna be tons of other mes#multiverses and all that#I acknowledge and accept that but my brain is still like#kill yourself Now bc u aren’t really you#like damn bro gimme a break im me and they’re them we just so happen to be a lot similar#I have my sourcemates who validate me man that should be enough#sorry about the vent im having such a fucking time lately lol#vent cw#benrey.txt#guccisystem.txt
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normal man very human definitely & 2 year old tessaraes. also i found an old outline of their lore and i like this tidbit
#mine#original#artists on tumblr#renee romero#tessa hassan#i will forever be inconsistent about whether i feel like obscuring tessas eyes in a Mysterious Manner or just. not#i'm working on making refs for both of them right now so (throws scraps at you)#did you know that 1st one is only the 2nd time ive ever colored rae before. very wild considering how long hes existed in my brain palace#Also by colored i mean like Proper Coloring instead of throwing a gradient map over grayscale
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everyone who follows me better thank me for my interests shame or else this blog would be insufferable (jokes)
#tumblr scares me too much to tag posts with blorbos tags#and you should all be thankfull bc i see so many posts and go THIS IS JSUT LIKE THAT FICTIONAL GUY OMG YAY#dont even get me started on the self shipping that exists solely in my brain#im just thinking outloud now..... shout out to all my mutuals who post abt interests no matter what#i love you guys you are so brave#💾
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i don’t have a tendency to catastrophize. i conclude that i have done something wrong, and specifically wrong in a way that is unforgivable, based on irrefutable evidence. that my conclusions are often (and really, almost always) incorrect is irrelevant
#post#well the evidence exists all right but you know#they took my occam’s razor when i became unwell at the age of seven#and so now everything must be needlessly convoluted#in order to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that i have somehow TRANSGRESSED#ah… if only I knew why my brain was going haywire in this particular way#(^guy who knows the reason but is unhappy about it)#anyway it turns out the people who have remained in my life are there for a reason#and generally aren’t the kind of people who are going to get mad at me for reasons they fabricated#you know tumblr I’m beginning to think… but nay I shan’t say
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