#you get the idea I just sort of wanted to ramble
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A very interesting takeaway from the Farseer Trilogy so far (just started Assassin's Quest so no spoilers) that I have so far is that not only is Wit an unintentional allegory for queerness but it's also an even more unintentional allegory for autism! As an autistic person reading quite a few of the characters come across as autistic to me anyway, but focusing on Fitz specifically he has
- a very poor grasp of social cues
- a very specialised interest in both animal care and assassin things
- immediately after being revived after his month with Nighteyes he's on a similar level of functionality as an autistic person with high support needs, and in relearning to be a man he is relearning how to mask/cope
- continuing this, his constant dilemma of if he is more man or more wolf reminds me of my own personal struggle with how much of my personality is me masking vs my autism
Additionally
- Burrich's own internalised ableism (such as when he scolds Fitz for talking to Nighteyes or when he "kills" Nosy)
- whatever the fuck is going on with Kettricken
Honourable mentions go to the Fool, Patience and Verity who are also very very autistic but get differently stigmatised for it
#realm of the elderlings#rote#actually autistic#literary analysis#headcanon#I guess#fitzchivalry farseer#burrich#lady patience#kettricken#the fool rote#nighteyes#you get the idea I just sort of wanted to ramble#this was prompted by me playing ff16 and realising the racism allegory also doubles as an unintentional ableism allegory too#good book series so far
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Do any NieYao (or general 3zun) shippers follow me? I've been tossing around the idea of a nieyao fic but I'm getting tripped up by timeline shit because good lord JGY's life is a nightmare... is there anyone who wouldn't mind either:
a) chatting with me about timeline/canon stuff to help me get sorted
b) sending me recs of their favourite nieyao fics 👀 for, uh, strictly research related purposes for sure for sure
#mdzs#nieyao#man i've been wanting to try writing someone nieyao related for ages and finally stumbled across a prompt that intrigues me#but it's always intimidating approaching a character/ship you haven't done before... so much canon to get sorted out in my brain first 😫#i just finished my two Long Fics and i'm waffling between projects right now :( i need something to sink my teeth into#i have a whumpy post-burial mound siege wangxian oneshot that needs a bit more love to get the ending and flow right...#and a meet-in-childhood wangxian fic that's just fun and cute that i really need to return to... since writing that soulmate au this one go#backburnered and i would really like to look at it again#and a very silly different-third-meeting hualian fic but it's a case fic and involves serious plotting before i can do much with it *sigh*#so instead of dealing with any of that i'm chasing this plot bunny instead god help me#when you want to write but nothing feels quite right... at least putting meng yao through a breakdown might be fun#bene speaks#this is me rambling#i will be on a nine hour plane flight soon so i need some ideas to chew over... not that i'll actually have a laptop to write on god save m
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ghostwriter (their grandma would tell them she'd lose half her soul)
#or smth smth. having a lot of Thoughts. anyways here's the piece i've been working on and sometimes u have to just say Done#there's a lot of thinks but i am maybe a bit tired and so tmr i'll come in and add all the Tags that i'd personally want to get from myself#maybe i'll reblog the extras tmr too. this is an incredibly self indulgent piece + it probably deserves a tag ramble essay or smth#ig for now we see how it stands for itself + in the meantime:#adamandi#beatrix valeria campbell#hello!! i'm back with belated tags yippee!! alright so for funsies i'm going to make it sound like i'm going bonkers over this :3#the eye shine... the glowy eye... it's like phaethon shine but also smth about eyes to windows to the soul and like#there's two beatrixes here! half the soul. lost part doing things specific to the phaethon and here it's portrayed as tearing off her name#because that's really; truly; when it all starts!! also notable for the ghostly beatrix is i did it more painterly and cloaked in shadow and#fading into the bg. i think i was super duper specificish about where the glow comes from! front lighting back lighting beloved!!! like help#let's put it this way- beatrix face always glowy. important parts of paper also glowy. it's just that different elements are turned away#from the viewer by each beatrix!! also also. let's talk about the very gently implied blood and red etcetera#like the red string is canonical and i love personally the whole red strings of fate thing even though it's not Here Applicable exactly but#that definitely was an influence! and also the blood in the bg... i'm starting to think this is a recurring trend. but anyway shadowy bea#the other strings hang while the red string loops!! so like that one string feels almost alive. it's a sort of whimsical i put on the same#as metaphorical glowy eye!! also also the eye is lowkey influenced by the whole idea of Eyes and Spotlights within the show and also glow#as in power as in heyyy you ever think about writing as a visual medium huh#speaking of writing!! there is no beatrix thingy complete in my head without text sorrry but the black text overlays are always so >>> to me#and in the sense of art styles and overlays shoutout to all the black crosshatching outline thingys because For Some Reason in my mind#of all the characters beatrix feels like the bnw ink printed illustrations you get in books idk#fun fact! i spent so long rendering this and that was fine i liked it! but then trying to figure out text to go on the papers was a Thing#i tried to do. but then gave up on! sometimes i have to pick my battles and graphic design is indubitably Not my passion bc Fonts#fun facts about this is i Actually did start with a quick sketch in mind and there's been so many changed elements. in the og the front#paper for instance had 'ardess murders' written on it and the back one said phaethon interviews.. i like the nominee list better it feels#more narrative-esque and less passive than her just holding her writing.! other elements that got discontinued were that#front beatrix was supposed to blur into the other ghostly beatrix but i couldn't do it without sacrificing clarity so... no... no blurry#oh and the red string morphing at the ends to smth more abstract was always there from the start!! og had more floating papers#and also a silhouette of vincent and a scalpel bc 'one who pulls the strings' but that (pun intended)! got cut (hahahahahahaha) (sorry)#used also to be a lot of print room clutter but that got cut to bc compositionally i made beatrix larger (learned lesson from last art)
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So, homeless Halt huh?
What, right after leaving Clonmel and bedore meeting Crowley, or a fully new context au style.
The first option, yes!!!
I decided that 17 was FAR too young for TEY, so I kinda just added 3 extra years in between leaving Clonmel and meeting Crowley, making him 20 at the time of TEY. (Well, technically, he was 19 when he met Crowley and turned 20 like 2 weeks later, but that's being unnecessarily detailed lol)
I like to think that, because Halt was a prince, Pritchard could only teach him the skills in isolation, and not how to use them. Y'know, like learning how to pick a lock on some little play toy you out in your lap, and then having to actually do it on a real door. So, these 3 years were when Halt had to transition from aiming at a target to aiming at an actual animal. There were also things like how he knew logically how to set up the tent and then realized that actually doing it was just different enough to make him feel dumb.
This also, btw, puts Halt as a homeless, jobless, (illegal) immigrant who speaks the language at a 3rd grade level during the height of Morgarath's rule. So. He had 🌈fun!! ✨️
By the time he met Crowley he understood the language a lot better (3 years of actually living in the kingdom will certainly help with that) but he still kinda struggled a bit. I like to think that he can't pronounce Morgarath's name and always ends up calling him "Morgor", "Morgaah", or simply, "lighting man". Why? Because it's entertaining, that's why
The fic I'm writing takes place when he had JUST moved to Araluen, and wasn't quite so stone faced yet. In the fic he finds a group of other homeless people, mostly other immigrants, who let him stay by their fire that night and help him fix a couple things from his saddle bag. It also centers heavily around his relationship with his old horse, Declan, from before he got Abelard, and how that horse was his only reliable source of companionship
#rambles#rangers apprentice#ranger's apprentice#halt o'carrick#homeless halt#this is just a basic overview btw I can and will get more detailed#and also just so you know I am basically just taking modern concepts and slapping them on Halt so like#yes I know illegal immigrants are a fairly new concept and that not even during the Irish potato famine was it particularly recognized#but also idrc#if I want Halt to have to sneak past knights because he knows doing any sort of paperwork would leave a paper trail#that would be far too easy for his family to follow even if he changed his name#then I'm gonna make him do that#asks wooo!!!#just let me have fun okay#and my version of having fun is creating political dramas about Halt confronting his best friend Duncan over the horrible way immigrants are#treated in Araluen and in order for that to truly make sense I need Halt to have gone through/been eye witness to these things#also the idea of Halt going from the very very top of society to the very very bottom in under a week provides SO much material
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Everyone who wrote off aetherdrift as just a wacky races filler set GO TO THE PLANESWALKERS GUIDE AND READ THAT SHIT BECAUSE IT SOUNDS SO FUCKING COOL
THERE ARE SHARK PEOPLE ON KALADESH, (Renamed to Aviskar)
AMONKHET HAS NEW GODS AND RIVAL FACTIONS
THERES FINALLY SOMETHING TO MURAGANDA! AND IT SOUNDS AWESOME
And theres word of tons of new planes and returning characters i did not expect to be so hyped for this set but just go read the planeswalkers guide they wrote so much for it the worldbuilding is so good
#rambles#magic the gathering#mtg#aetherdrift#im legit so hype#ive been wanting to go back to kaladesh and amonhket for ages#they were my first planes when i started playing <3#and lets not forget its a gruulfriends set#i just hope that they put in actual time and care into writing the story and give us more than five chapters please#at least ten like come on#this honesty just makes me want to get another full amonkhet set like fr what they did with the plane sounds so cool#also hinting at a sort of ravnica/avishkar cold war race to become the multiversal superpower???#finally theyre actually doing the multi-plane story ideas#you guys im no hyped
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...💌
#not-very-seriously contemplating making a fitalk sideblog#just so i could ramble on about my fic ideas like the lunatic i am without bothering anyone#because istg i come up with at least 3 new ideas a day and more if necessary#but i'm too self-conscious to do that on my main blog too often because i always manage to convince myself no one actually cares#and that the only few people who do seem to care only care because they want to be supportive#and/or think it's cute i'm so passionate about the fics/pairing or whatever#and there's nothing wrong with that and i'm thankful of course!#but it sort of makes me feel like a child being praised by adults ya know? 😭#and idk maybe i just feel like this because i used to share a hyperfixation OTP with a friend#and i'd come up with new fic ideas/headcanons for our OTP on a daily basis#until the friend admitted they weren't even that into the pairing#they just found it adorable to see how enthusiastic i was thinking of stories of them :)#which made me feel like such an idiot lol silly me thought they were as into it as i was#like. i get the need to infodump about hyperfixations to a friend even if the friend is not into the hyperfixation#especially if you don't know anyone else to whom you could talk about it#but i don't need that personally. i'd rather talk about my hyperfixations to someone who actually wants to hear it#and not just because they think i'm being adorable or they want to support me#i can very well keep it all to myself or just idk talk to myself?? lol#so yeahhhh i kinda don't want to make myself feel like a clown like that again 🤡#i do realise i think about fic ideas an unhealthy amount probably lol#but then again isn't that what actual published authors do all the flipping time?! the only difference is that i'm not getting paid for it😤#this wasn't supposed to become a rant lol the words just started flooding#anywayyyyy who wants to hear about my royalty!aleksi / ballet dancer!olli fic idea with side roommates-with-benefits olli/joonas?#additional tags include 'helping the other put on make-up' and 'anal fingering'. if you even care#(pls don't actually ask it's ridiculous)
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"I'm worried about controversial stuff coming up about this ship opinion situation, but here we go-"
"I dislike Toppat Henry x Charles/ Henry x Toppat Charles, especially that second one. The artwork I see of it (especially Toppat Charles x Henry, not so much on the other option) leans into toxic relationships for me and I dislike it heavily."
"As much as I love Henrles (tied with Polythreat for me), that situation of "Enemies to lovers" is the one type of Henrles ship that just.. turns me the wrong way unfortunately.." submitted by anon
#honestly same--#I don't hate the IDEA of toppat henry x charles (or vice versa) it could work as an interesting story#it's just the way ppl execute it#like why do they make toppat henry/charles yandere for the other?? and kidnap them and like??? all that extra stuff????#especially toppat charles bcz it wouldn't even make sense likeee I don't think henry would need to be kidnapped to want to join the toppats#and they romanticize tf out of it it's nasty :[#again toppat henry x charles and vice versa COULD work imo you just gotta execute it properly#aka don't make them kidnap and abuse each other????#but yea bcz of how (most) ppl execute it it turns me away too#also dw about controversial stuff coming up abt the ship opinion things#as long as you guys discuss/confess it civilly it should be fine#I actually like ship confessions (negative and positive)#as long as it's not like. “I ship charles x galeforce” bcz ew nasty#if I ever get some sort of proship confession I'm ignoring it I'm not posting that shit😭#whoops I rambled a bit here sorry—#thsc confession#thsc#mod dave#thsc confessions#anti stickvin#but like#specifically toppat stickvin#tw toxic relationship#anon
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In the Incredibles au I’m torn between making Sky fight Demise while Time/Malon are on their honeymoon or having it be a year or two later because on the one hand, it would be EXTREMELY funny for Time to get back and hear about how Sky literally fought the worst most-powerful supervillain in the world and WON and also convinced Ghirahim to quit being evil and also Sun got kidnapped but she’s fine now while he was gone, but on the other hand Sky is only 12 then so it would probably make more sense to have it happen when he’s 14 so he’d be a little more skilled
#thinking through some stuff (bad idea since I currently have the mental capacity of a bivalve)#I’m trying to wrangle the earlier stuff into a timeline that actually makes sense#it’s going... well. not horribly anyway#rambles from the floor#incredibles au#anyway I also sort of want to wait until Time is around because I don’t think he knows a lot of what’s going on#until he gets a call at like 2 am where Sky and wars are like ‘can you pick us up we just murdered a guy’#he’d go insane#it’d be funny idk I’m still thinking about it
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Never ever EVER buy household appliances with ai in them. Most ridiculous things I’ve ever encountered
#to be clear i did not buy one but had to use one to do a load of laundry (who needs ai in a laundry machine??) and let me tell you it was#useless.#first the thing apparently ‘senses the dirty ness of your clothes to calculate the wash cycle’ which then would only ever decide to do a#cycle that took 4. freaking. hours. never have i encountered a washer that takes longer than an hour to wash your clothes.#and without the ability to manually say you want it to be a specific time? makes no sense. who has that kind of time in their day.#NEXT we go to dry the clothes and it also wants to run it for an insane amount of time. so we click it anyways (horrible decision)#and think oh we’ll just open it halfway through#well. upon stopping the cycle halfway through the damn thing says that the door is locked because it’s ‘too hot.’#never have i seen something that thinks i’m going to burn myself on my hot clothes. like cmon#also cause opening the door would be a surefire way to cool the clothes down you’d think??#so we try all sorts of troubleshooting things and even unplugging it and it STILL WOULDNT UNLOCK.#the damn thing is still locked btw. dunno if ill ever get those clothes back#so glad this at least isn’t actually a dryer we spent money on and just one that was here while we’re traveling and need to do laundry#but like. cmon#there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to decide how long to wash our clothes for and instead let a ‘smart’ (hint: it’s not smart) machine#do it for us#(hint part 2: this isn’t just about the clothes)#soni rambles#more like soni RANTS#i was already angry about the idea of ai in appliances but experiencing first hand how bad they are makes me even more angry#and a little scared for the future#now it’s 2am and the laundry is still stuck and im too upset to go to sleep. gah#and i don’t get mad easily.#oh and did i mention that to dry your clothes it wouldn’t let you select a temperature?? that it only said it would sense it itself??#see i like to dry all my clothes on low heat cause ive had a history of them shrinking#so not only are they trapped in the machine but it’s ‘too hot’ because it wouldn’t let us select a lower temperature.#luckily i didn’t put anything in that’s a material that usually shrinks
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I am rotating Light so hard in my head rn girlies who just straight up fucking torture ppl cause she can
#rat rambles#rain posting#oc posting#I <3 iterator gore and body horror if I was a better artist Id draw the horrors shes inflicted on some of these poor bastards#Im also brainstorming ideas for some more iterator ocs both so I can have more iterator ocs who arent chronically offline and so that I can#make them be some of lights victims and put them through some truly horrific shit#light vc omg haiii I saw you noticed some of the organisms I pumped into your bloodstream finally Ive been waiting sooo long to show this#stuff off so feel free to give mild resistance to my demands so I have an excuse to permanently disfigure your puppet :3#I have one girlie vaguely conceptulaized and some vague ideas for the sort of roles I want the others to have in their lil friend group but#its all still very very vague concepts Ill have to brainstorm some more to get more solid ideas for them#in the meantime Ive also been thinking of some potential unparalleled innocence hc stuff#nothing super concrete but I am slowly building some new hcs that will relate to the tortured girlie I have some ideas for#but yeah I had a blast telling my friends abt synchronized light today and getting my intended reaction of aw thats cute that turns into#horror as I progress down the timeline#my intent with these two is for them to initially come across as rly fun and cute and just generally very easy to connect to only for the#immediate second layer to their characters to fucking evicerate all of those feelings#also parasite horror is both some of my favorite (cause its horrifying) and least favorite (cause I can get legitimately paranoid) shit#and just the image of being an iterator and realizing that there is malicious shit inside of you that you werent able to immediately detect#is so delightfully fun to me especially considering how vulnerable a lot of these iterators probably already felt just letting the#construction and repairs happen only to find out that that vulnerability Was abused horrifically and that its far too late to stop it#anyways I need to go talk to myself in the shower to brainstorm some more lol
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You know when I said I was redesigning my Self Inserts and going in Age Order? Yeah I lied.
Here's a bunch more Redesigned Self Inserts, no longer in any particular order, just who I had the ideas for at the time.
#Emile's Arts#Self insert#Proselfship#Proship Selfship#Feel free to ask me about them#I said I'd get around to drawing my other xxxholic S/I so here he is#I've never actually drawn my Ruby Gloom S/I before she use to be just a dark version of Ruby#Based on the Blue Moon episode she was the Luna whatever I haven't watched the show recently#Then for a while she was a vampire like Scardy Bat's cousin or smthin#but recently I was thinking about the little Mummy design from the Scooby Doo Ghoul School special#And she really set a very spesific gender for me and I just stole her and Lucky Animal Crossing for myself fdkgjkdf#Sometimes you're uncreative and that's Okay#My Undertale S/I is also new kind of I've actually never talked about them as they are in my brain#Usually when talking about my Self Ship with Papyrus I talk about a Post Pacifist Timeline me who was a human living on the surface he met#Buuuuuuut that's not how the self ship is in my head I just never wanted to bring it up I guess kfgjfkdg#It's just an I'm Frisk sort of Self Insert nothing actually interesting#I think I got the idea from the Crybaby Frisk comic that was running around for a while because#Yeah that'd be me#fgfdkgjkdf#Okay enough tag rambling again ask me if you wanna know more about them#Thankyou very much for reading!
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lol did I just lose 3 followers for mentioning a cool new song? ok
#I've lost followers for less tbh so eh#it's fine lol#hope you'll find what you're looking for elsewhere best of luck to you#honestly thought more people would've left by now with how I can't focus and just draw the darn bombeep they probably follow me for#trust me I want to they're still my fav bois and I wanna do way more stuff with them#but atm idk it's just#sneaky corpse brainworm effin shit up oops#but nws hopefully it can be redirected in a productive direction somehow like towards whitty or something#with the voice headcanons and all that some sort of vibes should be able to be projected somehow maybe idk lol#mmm tbh I wish so bad I could animate or do animatics properly bc I have ideas#bombeep ideas#in relation to bits of various letsplay audio that could be made to work out of context somehow I'm sure ha#anyways it is what it is I'll stop rambling and go get some proper sleep now ok cool#laters bye
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You ever buy a thing and it’s just a LITTLE too big, like it WORKS but you wish it you could just manifest your paint program’s Lasso Tool and resize that thing a few percentage points?
#river rambles#I have felt this several times lately#just want to be able to enlarge or shrink things a bit#wouldn't that be a cool superpower?#I can imagine all sorts of uses#probably not applicable in crimefighting but then again...#imagine if you could shrink the bad guy's car so it's too small for them to get in#must not be used on living things that just sounds like it would lead to Problems#or get me hassled by people wanting me to shrink their pet tiger down to permanent kitten size#which is a bad idea no do not#humor#shrinking#random thoughts
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just remembered an extremely old oc. girl i have great plans for you
#rambles#she was my mary sue kid icarus uprising oc protagonist girl angel when i first made her#and then i just left her there and never did anything with her#but honestly? honestly. i can remake her. i can make her better#im plopping her down in my oc world#current initial idea i have is that everyones an anthro so i get to be funkier with designs#im not great at designing clothes so having all the characters be humans is like making 'guy with the shittiest closet number 69'#with that in mind. angel will be the only character with a human face and shes going to be all ~angelic~ or whatever#that was her initial idea anyways back in 2015 where she looks a lot like some pretty woman with wings#anyways shes like an anglerfish where she will lead you to your death#go girl lure people away and feast on their flesh#i think she'll have an alternate form thats more grotesque#not her true form. i dont think she has one. but its not the angelic illusion she often wears#but yeah i like the idea of repurposing this 'girl who can do no wrong' oc into something that you dont want to encounter#also she has a twin but im not sure what to do with that twin. might scrap her. woops#oh what if i repurpose her twin into being some sort of Creature Hunter#wait wasnt that one of fen & rey's scrapped dynamics#well they dont have that anymore since i've made rey less of a monster creature and more of a human who fucked up badly#but the monster rey ideas were cool... i could reuse that on a different character
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I've had all these snippets of images in my head and I don't know what to do with them.. so I figured I could turn it into some type of writing. There's no discerning details that give any certain person away, so if you read it, in can be about just about anyone you fancy and feel would fit this. Of course, you know who I am picturing but.. that's details 😶 Warning: NO KIDS! DON'T MAKE ME PUT YOU BABIES ON THE NAUGHTY STEP! This isn't even like.. proper dirty or anything, but there's heavy implications and small touches of intimacy and elicit activities, some words that may be heavier than others if you know what I mean.., and I don't want the children to think dirty thoughts 😤 Word count: 5 283 words to be exact, I ramble..
Your hand rises and falls slowly with the pattern of his breathing. It lays on his naked chest, you lay on his naked body, his arms wrapped around you and rubbing your back softly. You watch the shadows on the rug, the same one you're both laying on, cast by the sun as it slowly sets in the window behind your heads. As you try to catch your breath and feel him do the same, you're still wondering how you ended up here.
His eyes are beautiful. That's the first thing you notice as he smiles politely at you and cordially shakes your hand when you're introduced. He repeats the name your superior just said to you, his voices is lower and more sensual than you expected and a small shiver runs through you, you pray you won't stutter and repeat your name back at him. He pulls back and you feel his hand still grasping yours, even as you're introduced to the rest of the bunch. Even as you try to stand as straight as possible beside your new employer, you still feel his hand in yours, his eyes on you, as they'd been just a few minutes ago. You never expected to be here, hired to work at this club, you didn't expect you'd be so close to them either, you thought you would have some small position and do meaningless little tasks. You're nervous, your heart skips beats at times, you're afraid to mess this up, to end up looking foolish in front of so many people, and... you're afraid of the way you can still feel his hand on yours.. his eyes burning into you from across the way.
You should probably get up and leave. Or at least get up and lay on the couch, the rug is soft and warm but it's still a little.. awkward to be laying naked, pressed to him, on his rug like this. His eyes are closed and you wonder if he fell asleep, you try to move away and you find out that he hasn't. His arms tighten around you immediately and he opens his eyes slowly, his voice sounds.. god, his voice, the things he says.. he's so attractive but the way he sounds and speaks, you feel shivers thinking about the things he's said to you before.. even tonight.. you refocus on his voice as he says, soft and low, in that effortless sensual tone that's natural to him, "Where do you think you're going?", a smirk lifts the corners of his lips softly and you hide your face against his chest, suddenly warm all over again and needing.. so much all at once.. you muffle into his skin "I thought I'd get on the couch.." and he nods "Not comfortable here? I should have probably taken you to bed.. I do have one, and it's incredibly comfortable.." he lowers his voice and a shiver runs down your spine again, he's trying to get a rise out of you and he doesn't need to. Everything about him turns you on, you've never been so attracted to anyone before. You part your lips to speak but he doesn't give you the chance. He lifts himself up, takes you with him, somehow through some testosterone-induced display of strength he gets you both up from the floor, carrying you in his arms, without even wobbling once. He looks down at you and his smirk looks devious now, "Shall I show you my bed then?"
Working here isn't as difficult as you'd expected it would be. But it's also not as easy as you'd expected either. You have good days, and bad days. The problem is that the bad days are more frequent. Through no fault of your own, that's just the way things are here. Too many egos, too much testosterone, too many strong personalities. It all leads to arguments, to misunderstandings, to being yelled at and lashed out towards. You're often apologised to, after they've calmed down, asked for forgiveness and told that you've done nothing wrong, they're just all under a lot of pressure and stress. And.. you'd let that slip.. if it wasn't happening constantly, that is. Because none of them know how to control their shitty attitudes and it grates on your nerves. You keep your head down, stay silent, this is a well paying job and you don't want to lose it. Especially not over these assholes and their arrogance. Your superior is nice, that's all that matters because he's the one that you need to spend the most time with, the rest of them can go to hell. The rest of them… except… him. He's kind to you. Incredibly kind even. Has gotten into arguments with others over you. Over the way he watched them talk to you, over the things they've said to you. He doesn't have to get into trouble because of you, you've told him every time, and he just smirks, defiant, like he was made to fight and contradict, "And what? Pass up the opportunity to remind them of their place?" and you start to realise that this man has far more layers than you know of. He's.. hard to figure out. He's quiet, rarely ever speaks unless spoken to, he's also clearly a loner. He'll interact with his teammates when needed, praise them and laugh with them when he's in the thick of training, but outside of that he retreats back into himself. Stands off to the side. Observing everyone. Silently judging them. Silently judging you too..
His bed is indeed comfortable, just as he said it was. The sheets are soft, the pillows smell like him. You love the way he smells, it's so.. rough? woodsy?.. it's manly. You're don't care for logistics that small, but the only way to describe his scent, and even the underlying feeling he gives off, is that. Manly. He has tenderness too, that he's displaying right now as he softly traces your naked body like you're porcelain, placing gentle kisses everywhere, treating you like something fragile and beautiful to be treasured, driving you to the brink of madness with his slow motions. But there's a biting edge to him. You always know that this man, who appears so calm and controlled, will lose his mind in roughly .5 seconds and fight someone if his anger gets the best of him. And you'd be lying if you said that you don't find it attractive. How controlled he is. A stronger personality simmering under the surface of all that control and calmness. Which is too calm at times.. like right now. He's kissed a path up and down your thighs five times and you're about to pull all that glorious hair out of his head if he doesn't do something more than tease you.. "Will you be there all night? Didn't you promise to show me something? Something along the lines of what talents that tongue has that go beyond defying people?". his hands look massive as they snake around your thighs, he pulls you down closer to him suddenly and a squeak flies out of you, the devious smirk, ever so present on those perfect lips whenever he's around you, is back "I like it when you're sassy, baby.. it makes it even better when you start moaning incoherently for me."
A sob slips out of your lips and you try harder to keep it quiet. This is the final drop. You're tired of being yelled at by assholes, sure, but this is worse. You weren't hired to be harassed, if these bastards don't know how to behave that's their problem. You feel anger, a strong and heavy feeling in your chest pooling like black liquid, and you ball up your firsts. You slam them against the wall behind you and you want to scream. You want to go back and slap him, but you're not allowed, even if he was disgusting. The images keep replaying in your head, you're trying to do your job and gather their information to update their data, keeping quiet, head down as usual, asking personal questions in the most formal and detached manner that you can and that oaf.. the big one. You never liked that one from the time you were introduced. He smiled at you like such a sleaze.. you've been revolted by his presence ever since and you avoid him like the plague that he is. But.. you had to do your job. You had to ask questions because of these stupid sheets. Personal, medical, technical, all for the database of their information to be updated.. and he had to try and be funny… he had to try and flirt again, no matter how hard you ignore him he does it again. Asking you personal questions that you ignored, commented on your body and how it looked in the loose, long dress you're wearing.. and… he had to start commenting on his body. On his size to be exact. And his capacities as a man. When he cornered you against the table, put that sleazy, disgusting paw on your waist and said so casually "I could show you.. I bet you'd sound really hot screaming my name while I fuck you.." you just lost your composure. You pushed him roughly, you called him disgusting, you told him firmly "I would rather die without sex again than to have sex with you. You're revolting." and you walked out, found the first bathroom you could, and here you are. On the floor. Trying not to disturb anyone as you sob against the corner. You're not sad, you're angry. Angry that you can't retaliate more. Angry that if you were to tell anyone they would just tell you that the guys here are "being playful, you're a pretty girl, pay them no mind. They'll tire of it, I promise." as they've told you before. You're boiling with anger. You're tired of being disrespected. You make a snarled sound as you get up and walk to the sinks. Wash your tears and try to gather your composure. You look like you've been crying, there's nothing to be done about it. You take a deep breath and turn around. He's standing there. Leaning against the wall, right by the door. You didn't hear him come in. He has his arms crossed over his chest, and he looks pissed. "I heard some things that I didn't want to believe.." he's speaking through gritted teeth, you look at him as he pushes away from the wall, walks towards you, looms, "Did he tell you all that shit?" you wonder if you could lie, say that you were just being sensitive and he didn't mean any of that crap, you know what will happen if you confess what just happened to you. You know he will fight the oaf. You can see the fire in his eyes, those beautiful eyes, daring you to lie to him and pretend he can't see the truth. You just exhale and nod slowly, can't look him in the eyes as his anger bubbles over and the loud smack of his fist slams against the countertop. "That motherfucker! Did he hurt you?? He said you were like marshmallow in his hands, did.he.hurt.you?" and your voice sounds angry "No, he didn't! But he had no right to touch me! I don't want random men caging me against desks and groping my waist like I'm just a piece of meat! Tell that bastard that I wasn't anything other than disgusted by him!" and… he was made to fight and defy people. There's the confirmation. The smirk pulling at the corners of his lips. The fire raging in his eyes. The way he says, so casually, "Oh, sweetheart, I'm going to do more than tell him, don't worry." as he turns his back on you and walks out..
He is unfairly good at that. Unfairly good at everything he does really. He can control his body with just as clinical precision as he can control his temper, and it's unfair. You can feel his smirk against the most sensitive part of you, can feel the delight he takes in how easily and quickly you fall apart for him. Because of him. He's relentless, renders you speechless, a mess of whines and moans and pleas, a mess of neediness and aching and pent up frustration needing to be released. He does it on purpose. Slows down and teases you every time you feel your spine start to tingle and sparks appear in your closed eyes. You curse out his name, "Please! What do I need to do for you to stop that and just let me come, god, will you please do something more!?" say frustrated and he has the audacity to laugh. Right against you. Shivers run down your spine and you moan, it rings inside you and it makes you feverish and needy all over again. Your voice gets softer, you're suddenly pliant in his hands again, mewling and begging. He takes pity on you, holds you tighter, presses you down into the mattress and stops teasing you. Watches you the whole time, eyes fixated on your body and how you arch up for him. Because of him. He loves watching you fall apart like this. He's addicted to how you react to him. He's addicted to you. It's been a long time coming, he's still unsure how he managed to get you here tonight, but he's never been more thankful to whatever Gods are out there, watching over him, and helping him along this path. He doesn't falter until you're pushing at his head, lifts up and smirks at you as you open your eyes slowly, still barely able to focus on him, and he places a kiss right where he just made a mess of and laughs at your curses and shivers. He gets up from his place, crawls over your body, cages you against his bed, "So… how was that?". He feels giddy right now, feels like a teenager again, there's something about making a beautiful girl giving into him like that.. but beyond that.. there's something about having you here right now. In his house. On his bed. Under him. Pliant and willing, eager even, to be with him. He's wanted it for a long time, even if you likely have no idea of it, but that's beside the point now. There's other matters to attend to while you're so willing under him. He nuzzles your neck, kisses you slowly, then whispers in your ear "How do you feel about testing out the quality of my mattress?", and he knows it's incredibly cheesy but he's feeling light hearted and happy tonight, and you react by whining and melting further so.. he figures you don't mind it either.
He would say you've been building a budding friendship. Even if he's pretty sure you have no idea of it. Because he's a little.. guarded, if you will. He doesn't trust easily, he doesn't befriend people easily either. He likes his space, his peace, his own ways. He prefers to stand back, watch others, judge and gauge what they're all about. Studies people and tries to gather information before he can make a decision on them, he tries to be impartial, tries to give everyone a fair chance but.. he's also himself. Reserved and slightly stubborn in his ways. He knows what he wants and he knows how to get it, he's never had trouble with his confidence or his own self assuredness. He doesn't feel the need to justify himself to anyone or be a person pleaser. He also doesn't feel the need to make friends at work, not in a deep sense. He's polite to everyone, he'll be playful when there's room for that, and he'll go along with some things from time to time. But he's not here to be best friends with anyone, he's here to work. And he does his job well. So well apparently, that it's created some friction with some others around. So, try as he might to be professional, he doesn't like some of these guys because they don't like him and don't bother hiding it either. But, that said, he does like you. You're quiet too, just as guarded as he is, and you always keep your head down too. He could see from the very beginning that you're here to do your job and get on with it, and he respects that. He doesn't like stereotypes but he's aware that some girls try to get jobs at places like this for reasons that have nothing to do with the job. He doesn't judge that, everyone is after whatever life they want in the end, but he doesn't particularly care for those girls either. Being loved for the potential of what he could give to others in terms of lifestyle isn't something he wants, he just wants to be loved for himself. It's hard to get people to see him, who he is, without all the glitter and the flashes of the lifestyle. Without the fame aspect and the money. He's tried many times before, had loose strings here and there, and they all fell flat. He didn't feel a connection like he needed to, they weren't bad girls, they were funny and kind, but they had expectations from him. They created an image of him in their heads and that's what they were in love with. Not him. Not the simple man that has simple hobbies. The man that would rather cook dinner himself, instead of go out to some fancy restaurant that he'd have to put a suit on for. He's never been able to share himself, his true self, with anyone before without them thinking he was joking. Girls don't often believe how much of a nerd he is, how boring he can actually be, how unexciting he wants his life to be. Because he looks a certain way. And he has a certain reputation too. All of them do, so he understands it's hard to accept that, in the end, he's just a regular man. But he is. And you believe him. He's unsure how and why he felt such a pull to you when he first shook your hand. There was something. Probably in the softness of your eyes, the clear nervousness that clouded your whole being, the way you tried to stand and look so tall and professional but he could see your hands shaking the whole time, could see your cheeks flush pink with shyness whenever someone talked to you. He grew attached to you the more you spend time together. He sought you out, struck up conversations, tried to get to know you. To get you to be comfortable with him. And little by little you were. You built a friendship, that he thinks you're unaware of, and he cherished that. Cherishes the fact that you only laugh with him, only tease him, only feel comfortable around him. He knows that last bit isn't very healthy but.. he feels vindicated, he's selfish and he doesn't care. He likes you, really likes you, and he likes that you like him back. He also.. feels possessive of you.. which is why… he always gets into so much trouble for you..
He's relentless. And you're going to faint. It's just too much. Your whole body is on fire, your senses are all overloaded, you can't even see straight and your breathing is barely enough to fill your lungs with oxygen. But he's relentless, and you are too because even as your head feels fainter and fainter, you want more and more. You need more and more. You need it all. You need him. He feels amazing, he's sturdy and warm over you, he knows just what to do to make you fall apart at the seams, knows exactly how to move to make your whole body curl around him, knows just what to say to have you biting at his shoulder and clawing your nails down his back. He's amazing, he's both gentle and rough, pushes you back and reels you in, keeps you on edge for what feels like hours and drives you insane. When he allows you to fall, it feels so strong, it's so potent, that you all but faint. Barely hanging on to your senses, clinging to him, possibly crying from how good it all feels, you aren't really sure. Your body is a mess of emotions and he kisses you so slowly and tenderly as he falls with you too. Presses his forehead to yours as you both pull back with a need to breathe, keeps you so close and tight to him, melts against you too and wants to never let you go. You're shaking as you come down, you wouldn't be able to move right now from how limp he's rendered you, but also from how constantly you shake. Luckily you don't have to. He pulls away from you slightly, carefully rolls you both sideways and holds you tightly in his arms. One hand cradling your head and petting your hair, the other rubbing soothing circles on your back. He presses tender kisses to your forehead, whispers to you tender words of reassurance that you're okay and he's right there, holding you and keeping you grounded to this earth so you won't float away. You start to calm down, realise that you did cry because you have tears drying on your cheeks and you're almost scared of the power this man has over you. He makes you feel in a way you've never felt before. He pulls at your heart in such a strong way.. you're scared of that feeling. Because you don't know how he feels about you. He's so hard to read, even as he gently tells you that he's not going to leave and that he's right there for you, that he'll take care of you. It's hard to know if he means now, or… you melt against his chest, sigh heavily, remember what happened earlier today. He's suspended for a few days now. After that show, of course he would be, but you didn't mean for it to happen. You've apologised, chastised him, but it didn't make a difference because all he did was laugh.
You're back with your papers at the medical office right where you left them. They let you use this place today for all the crap that you needed to deal with, but someone clearly filled in for you while you were gone. The papers now have a handwriting that you can barely read. 'Does no one teach these men to write properly!?', you think exasperated. It's not the first time that one of your coworkers hands you notes that are barely legible. You exhale angrily, trying to push aside all that's happened today and just focus on getting to the end of your workday. You're trying to decipher what a certain hieroglyph says when you hear a commotion outside. There's a giant windowed door beside you, that leads to the training grounds, and you approach it. A mass of bodies piled in a circle is on the field, there's shouting. Something is happening. You don't think twice, you open the door and rush out. As you get closer you realise what's happening. He's hitting the oaf. They're tangled on the ground, he's overpowered that oaf, and he's punching him. Everyone else all around them is trying to get them to stop, a few have entangled themselves too and you're not sure why. Maybe men just love any excuse to fight each other and they'll break into silly antics as soon as someone else does. One of the older coaches shouts, the head coach is running towards all of you, some of the older players are trying to keep everyone in check and trying to dodge punches too. 'This is a mess..' you think to yourself. You regret telling him, you should have lied. But, god, you can't pretend that you're not pleased seeing him punch that disgusting oaf.. seeing him insult him and argue with him.. trying to defend you and make him pay for how he acted towards you earlier.. you feel so.. vindicated. Violence isn't the answer, you know it, but sometimes? It's pleasing to see someone do what you would like to do. You would be fired if you retaliated his actions from earlier, but they won't be fired. They're the team.. the club needs the team. They're men, they're always excused for their actions with no more than a slap on the wrist. And a slap on the wrist they get. When the head coach has them all under control he loses his temper and yells at everyone. Scolds them like little boys and a few of them have the decency to look ashamed. When it's all said and done, your saviour and the oaf are suspended for a few days, one for fighting and the other for his lack of professional conduct towards female staff. Rich that it took a fight to break out with the team for them to take the disrespect seriously but.. you'll take it. Some of the others are suspended for a day and the rest are severely scolded just because they were in the vicinity. The head coach turns to you suddenly, "As for you. I would like to apologise for the treatment you've been receiving. I'll speak to the management and we'll see what should be done. But next time? Tell me what happened, not one of my players." and the tone of his voice makes you whisper 'asshole' as he walks away after dismissing everyone. He approaches you, his knuckles scrapped and bloody, his lip is bloody too and he seems to have a bruise blooming under his right eye. You want to kiss him suddenly. He smirks at you, like the devil himself, and says "You're lucky you're this cute, otherwise he would have suspended you too." and winks as he walks past you. You scoff at the suggestion and stomp after him. Until you realise what he said. He thinks you're cute. He's teasing you. Again. You instead walk back to your borrowed office and gather your things, you were dismissed too, and it is the end of the week anyway so.. you cross paths with him as you're both walking out. You're looking at your watch to check the time, maybe there's a bus you can catch now. Or you could walk back, it's not so far off and you did it this morning. But as a hand lands on the small of your back, and a low voice says behind you, "Do you need a ride home?" suddenly.. your plans for the night have already changed..
He's looking at you seriously when your eyes focus on him again. "Is everything okay?" and you nod confused, "Of course. Why wouldn't it be?". He caresses your cheek softly and looks puzzle "I feel like I lost you for a moment there, your gaze was far away.." you settle against him, trace the bruises and cuts on his knuckles, "I was just thinking about what you did today. You got into trouble because of me, and you didn't have to." he pulls you tighter, "Someone had to. Besides.." he lifts your chin up and kisses you again, a deep kiss that takes your breath away and makes your heart pound against your ribs, "I don't like the way he talks to you. Or looks at you. Actually I don't like him in general, but I especially don't like him around you.". He looks like a contrived little boy and you have the urge to laugh and kiss him, you tease him softly, "Jealous? Don't tell me you feel a little territorial already.." and.. he feels his heart do something. Is it skipping beats? Is it sinking? Whatever it's doing, he doesn't like it. He doesn't like the casual feeling he's getting. He's not making himself clear. Of course he isn't. He brought you to his house instead of yours, allowed you to care for his wounds which led to him finally losing his control and kissing you. That kiss led to you losing your clothes and ending up on his rug panting for air. So far, he has done nothing that says 'I want you'. All he's done is say 'I'm horny'. And he doesn't like it. He doesn't like that you might just want casual sex from him, he'd give it to you, oh, he so would. He's a fool for you, he'll do anything you ask, but.. he wants you. All of you. He wants more than just occasional sex. There's a need to make you his in his chest, something he's been trying to control, but he can't hold it back anymore.. he says, serious, "As a matter of fact, yes. Yes, I am. I'm territorial over you. Because I don't like to share. Never did. I was an incredibly selfish boy and I'm not ashamed to say I'm an incredibly selfish man too. I see things I want and they're mine on sight, so I don't take kindly to others forcefully trying to share them." and… your breath gets caught in your throat. Feminism has exited the chat, all of your foremothers are watching over your shoulder with curious eyes right now. You've always been self assured, strong in your convictions, you've never allowed a man to think he owns you or even had the chance to think such thoughts. But.. you're a fool for this man. You would bark if he asked you to, you don't care. He brings something out in you that turns feral. You want him so badly that you'd crawl if he asked. You whisper his name, unsure of what to say, you don't know if he means.. "I like you. In fact, I more than like you. I want you in my life. I've wanted it for a while now and it drove me crazy to think of that fucker touching you. I've been trying to find a way, to get an excuse, to bring you to me. I don't know how to do this the right way, there is no right way, I'm confused because.. I have never felt like this. You throw me off balance, I don't know how to act around you. I've been flirting with you for months now and you're oblivious to me. So, at first I assumed that you didn't want me, and I respected that. Kept my actions the same because I didn't want you to see that I was hurt but.. after what just happened today.. I think you want me. Or maybe you just think I'm really good in bed, I guess that's an option too and I'll respect if you don't want me. But I want you. A lot. What I'm trying to say here is: I think I'm falling for you and I would like you to give us the chance to see where this goes. And we can do this really simply: will you stay the night?" you look into his eyes, his eyes are beautiful, more so after he's just confessed his feelings. You feel the same and you suddenly see flashes of where your lives could go if you accept his offer. You see them reflected in his beautiful eyes. A soft smile appears on your lips as you say "Of course I will."
#AS ALWAYS PLEASE REMEMBER THAT I'M DYSLEXIC#I TRIED TO READ THIS MANY TIMES OVER TO MAKE SURE I CAUGHT ALL MY MISTAKES BUT I CAN'T HELP BEING DYSLEXIC#I THINK OF ONE WORD AND WRITE ANOTHER IT JUST HAPPENS A LOT#anyway.. this happened..#i can't explain it but i've been really consumed by snippets of images the most minor things ever#a lot of them feature into this like the emphasis on the eyes and the general feeling of a pull towards someone#it's hard to make an entire bit of writing about minor things but.. i did it anyway#there's millions of ideas tumbling in my head constantly#things as minor as the sun setting and playing up shadows and the wind softly dishevelling hair and these images give me certain feelings#feelings that i want to attach to certain ideas about certain people.. a little certain someone..#but i want to make them like.. tasteful you know? plus i want to make it so it can be also.. sort of not about anyone too?#do you get what i mean? like if you read this i want this to feel about *your* person#this is more guided in the setting and the whole placing and i had to create certain chains of events#but i still hope that maybe it'll fit however your person is#THAT'S ENOUGH RAMBLING ENJOY THE BILLION OF WORDS WRITING#adventures in a clown's dreams#creative writing with Sunny#football imagine#football one shot#?? should i put those in there?? i guess they apply
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Soooo I have a crush (for the first time in 5 years) on a guy (for the first time in 7 years) and he’s another interpreter that I work with twice a week at the college where I work.
So I just accepted a job as a substitute interpreter for a class tomorrow morning and I hate to admit it but it was half because I knew he interprets that class so there was a 50% chance that I’d be working with him (it’s a 3 hour class so two interpreters are assigned and take turns, so either him or his team called out).
Wellll I know I’ve got it bad because I got the confirmation and I’m going to be interpreting with his team and I am…very disappointed. I hate this, crushes are so stupid. And like, why do I care so much ugh. But also, like this guy is the reason I’m getting my life together because he told me I was anal retentive (not in a mean way, just as an observation, it didn’t sound mean in context) and I was like oh dang he’s right. I’m ruining my life trying to do everything right all the time and make sure everyone likes me and no one is ever mad at me and I could just. Not do that. And he also told me I was a good interpreter and encouraged me to accept more work in more different areas and figure out what I like doing and he can be brutally honest and he’s a really good interpreter so I actually believe him and so I’ve started pushing out of my comfort zone and doing more work and trying to be less worried about what other people think of me and just be happy all because I have a stupid crush on this stupid boy
#this is so ramble-y sorry#but also I’m really not sorry at all#I forgot what crushes felt like dude it’s been so long#idek how to handle this#I’m like I promise I’m just watching you interpret to be a good team not at all because I want to stare at you#wtf is wrong with me#being greyromantic is stupid bc I don’t ever get crushes so when I do I have no idea how to handle myself#it’s like being in middle school but im 23 and we’re both professionals#personal#vent#sort of ig
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