#you can’t even make this shit up lol
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This is such a funny thing for a “news” site that makes you pay for articles to post
#you can’t even make this shit up lol#ceo gunman#united healthcare#New York times#payed news#paid news#paid journalism#nyc#uhc ceo#uhc shooter#free journalism#luigi mangione
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I know I just got done with ranting about tfp/rid2015 starscream’s character but, if you couldn’t tell by my other rid2015 posts, I’m obsessed with rid2015 bumblebee and when I tell you I love this scene of bumblebee making fun of starscream I’m not exaggerating it’s so cathartic to me
“But bumblebee is a good/hero character, why is he being so mean—” did you forget how much starscream hurt bumblebee in tfp?
He killed cliffjumper who, while probably not as close to bee as he was to arcee, was still close friends with bee
He stole the omega keys from the autobots’ base and handed them over to megatron, practically dooming Cybertron at the time to be remade in megatron’s image — of course the autobots get them back last minute, but that doesn’t change how much that loss effected all of them (evidence: optimus shouting in anger for the first and to my memory only time in the series) — including bumblebee
And his greatest offense towards bumblebee in my opinion—
DESTROYING BUMBLEBEE’S T-COG
“But it was silas and M.E.C.H. that took it in the first place—” HE DIDN’T NEED TO HELP SILAS USE IT AFTERWARDS “but Ratchet was able to fix it—” THAT DOESN’T GET RID OF THE TRAUMA THAT WHOLE EXPERIENCE CAUSED HIM
It’s also incredibly fucked once you think about it more because the t-cog is literally a cybertronian organ — while silas is at least mostly detached from how screwed this is since it’s more like taking parts from a robot than surgery to humans, starscream shouldn’t be since he’s also a cybertronian
Instead of being freaked out and recognizing how messed up silas’ actions are like any rational bot would, he helps silas make his fake-bot-that’s-using-another-bot’s-stolen-organ work by providing him with energon (the [at the time] incredibly scarce resource that helps all bots survive) and — after that plan falls through because of bumblebee finding them — he destroys the bot’s organ for no reason other than he wanted to escape and thought that was a good way to distract him
I just—I’m sorry?? I feel like bumblebee is incredibly justified for clowning on this cringefailure of a bot for what he’s done to him
And this isn’t even mentioning what he’s done against the autobots as a whole (both on and off screen) that has probably hurt bumblebee by proxy
I feel like it’d be justified if bee also killed starscream — he already got to kill the bot that destroyed his voice box, I think bee deserves another murder as a treat <3
/joking but also what if—*gets shot by tfp/rid2015 starscream fans*
#I saw one of the posts that made me make the starscream-essay again and it annoyed me enough to make this#spite is one of the strongest motivators when paired with annoyance <3333#I don’t even hate starscream I like watching him I just find some of his fans annoying as hell I’m sorry lol#the only people who annoy me more than those kinda fans are people who ship bumblebee and starscream like—#*THROWS UP* GET THAT SHIT AWAY FROM ME NOW#even if you disregard the age difference it’s just so rancid as a pairing#WHO CAME UP WITH THAT SHIP I JUST WANT TO TALK *pulls out a shotgun* I JUST WANT TO TALK FOR A SEC#anyways bee should be allowed to tell megatron and starscream to kys <3#tfp#transformers prime#rid 15#rid 2015#rid15#rid2015#tf rid 2015#tf rid15#transformers rid2015#transformers robots in disguise#robots in disguise 2015#transformers robots in disguise 2015#tfp bumblebee#rid bumblebee#tfp starscream#rid starscream#I’m sorry yet again good starscream fans for taking up your tag but this post is literally about him so I can’t not tag him
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WEI RUOLAI and SHEN TUNAN // War of Faith Episode 28 🤍
#AND AFTER THIS THEY DEFENDED EACH OTHER AGGRESSIVELY WHEN THE GARRISON ARRIVED 😂😂😂😂#the way they care for each other omggg you can’t even make this shit up i love them#i already spoiled myself — lol the ending credits did actually hahahahahahaa huhuhuhuhuhu#wang yibo#wei ruolai#war of faith#war of faith spoilers#accio victuuri edit#accio victuuri gifs
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All I’m going to say I think now that my brain remembered part of what it was thinking is that Taylor and Joe went through a lot together (good and bad) and regardless of how it ended or what led to it they both seem to be determined to keep that private and not throw each other under the bus and in the end they’re just two very, very different people whose outlooks in the long term were just never going to align and never has that been clearer.
#I AM NOT DEFENDING HIM JUST TO BE CLEAR#I’m just saying… he said a lot of nothing in those quotes beyond ‘people on the internet suck’#which is true#and both he and Taylor are keeping things close to the vest about it all#and just seems to me that whatever they went through together they are determined to keep it between them so that’s the end of that#(again in contrast to how she has no qualms about reading m for filth)#he’s just some guy and now he gets to be just some guy forever#and she gets to be extraordinary#like yes the loving committed thing raises eyebrows given how much pain she was in#but like he could have shaded her about how it ended too and he didn’t#AND I AM NOT DEFENDING HIM#we know he was a terrible partner and she felt like shit#I’m just saying neither of them want to delve into the specifics and i think they’re just moving into footnotes in each other’s lives now#like i want to make it clear AGAIN I am not condoning anything on his part here — clearly there were huge issues#I’m just saying just because he may have sucked as a partner doesn’t mean the internet being cruel isn’t also true idk#and yes it’s transparent why he’s choosing to speak out now (or rather why the Sunday times is choosing to reach out to him now)#but like… idk i just can’t muster up any feeling about this man one way or the other lol#and take cues from Taylor (and even him) she’s determined to keep it between them other than the broad strokes#so I’m following her/their lead#(like I have thoughts about why but that’s not important and ultimately is just… it’s the most normal of ltr breakups)#like he just sounds a little pretentious with his ‘real life’ which like… good on him keep living that real life you do you dude#meanwhile his ex is flourishing with every passing week and milestone and is living her unabashed best life#and they’re probably both happier for it now
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Sophie Shepard & Kaidan Alenko (ME2) 1/?
MIRA'S MORE CANON ME2 "The wrong place at the right time..." AKA: The aftermath of Stealing Memory. Mass Effect 2: Legendary Edition (2021)
#mira makes gifs ✨#sophie shepard#kaidan alenko#shenko#fshenko#mass effect#mass effect 2#me2#mass effect legendary edition#dailygaming#morecanonmasseffect#otp: you're real enough for me#these are my favorite bisexuals on the citadel sir#if bioware won’t give me soph and kaidan content in me2? FUCK IT. i’ll do it myself :)#i’m not even kidding about more canon either :) there’s some cute little details i spent way too much time modding in lol#kaidan’s little moon earring he gets after soph dies#me now knowing how to add outfits to the closet so i can yoink the male hoodie mesh to kitbash the hoodie she steals from their apartment#literally right after she resurrects that she always wears around the normandy :)#special shout-out to tali and thane bc their romance scenes have some nice moments#i could rant about soph’s me2 canon for hours but the cerberus plotline is shit#so half of that gets tossed out and kaidan and ash end up back on the normandy when she stages a coup from cerberus :)#bioware canon sucks so i’m rewriting ME2 :) they get to smooch more :)#like this!!#kaidan shows up on kasumi’s loyalty mission to help out with the undercover aspect when he hears soph is in citadel space :)#so they take out hock together :) and i think that’s how they end up rekindling (even though they never really stopped) :)#one of these days i’ll get around to giving kaidan his full arm tattoo instead of just the shoulder one you can’t even see lmao#i am now very powerful since i remember how to mesh swap and i can control the closet :)#i fear i’m about to be obnoxious about gif’ing ME2 missions#i think kaidan ash soph and zaeed are about to be going places#SORRY FOR THE RANT :) enjoy your day 💙
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the thought of icemav celebrating christmas together makes me a bit crazy. what do they give each other???
usually nothing . That’s kind of a big deal. in the 80s/90s they’d (reluctantly) celebrate Christmas with carole and bradley (who took that shit kinda seriously) so they wouldn’t really do anything by themselves. Maybe go out for a nice clandestine dinner just cause. After Carole dies and Bradley’s papers get pulled from the academy, ice’s low key newfound interest in celebrating christmas is one of his many many ways to try and normalize relations between him & maverick and try to improve their relationship in the conspicuous absence of the rest of their family. but yes he does make an effort—as does mav—to take advantage of holiday time to be with him as often as possible so, though their schedules don’t always line up, after 2006 they spend about 3/4 xmases together
Ice has very few hobbies besides a.) lovingly working on his cars & plane and b.) reading, so he is exceptionally easy to shop for (as most hobbyless men are): nice tie pins, cufflinks, those unnecessarily expensive hardcover books about weird random topics you find in airport bookstores, fountain pens, nautical /aeronautical themed paperweights, nice leather watchbands etc. highbrow rich guy stuff
Maverick has sooooo many stupid little hobbies that each last between 4-6 months so he is ridiculously hard to shop for— “i thought you were into woodworking so i got you some tools :)!” “uh no that was in April. im trying to learn how to make wallets now” :( so mostly if ice ever gets him anything it’s usually just an expensive dinner date in the city or cash in a blank card or a blank signed check for airplane parts for the next year. Buy whatever you want idc <3
any and all gifts are given with extremely little fanfare PLEASE don’t make it a big deal… hidden around the house with a little “merry xmas!” note attached, or shoved into each others suitcases pre-leaving-for-navy-reasons, or unceremoniously dropped into one’s lap while he’s watching tv, “here you go,” “oh, this is nice, thanks!” Et cetera. love language of gifts/acts of service, but, like, very quietly.
#baby’s just making shit up now#in the mid-2010s they realize the potential of the hangar to have a >10ft xmas tree so that becomes a tradition late on in their rlnship#holy shit the ceiling is so high we could get like a 14fter in here#uhhh no my back will give out if we try to carry it in#etc etc#every place ice goes internationally he starts buying Xmas ornaments#daydreaming of Christmas with maverick#can’t wait can’t wait can’t wait :))))#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#icemav#top gun#asks#ice & mav both have undiagnosed adhd this is a hc ive had for a full fucking year now#ice can read a 400 pg book in one sitting & mav has to take breaks every five minutes when he does taxes#or something#you guys ask me for headcanons and it’s usually just ‘imagine what two really repressed guys would do’ lol#but thanks for the ask!#even after they get married it’s still the opposite of a big deal#it’s just a little smth nice :) tokens of friendship/affection either way
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so from that kuukou sasara chapter from dod, kuukou’s ascetic training regimen goes something like
early morning waterfall training for an hour
meditation sessions
cardio via running thru forest terrain
walking thru fire and coal
midnight waterfall training
sleep for three hours and then rinse and repeat
no meals
all this for a week straight
and part of kuukou’s first bio was how he bested his father in presumably this regimen so i wonder where shakku taps out lol 🤔
#this is vee speaking#happy father’s day btw shakku lmao#i remember reading an article about the trials the buddha went thru to attain enlightenment#and he said it was too harsh to live by so he wouldn’t recommend it i wonder where i read that lol#i really should be bookmarking this stuff lol#but anyway if we’re to assume that this is where kuukou bested his papa then i would say he couldn’t last the full week#which is kinda……….. crazy to me tbh lmao that the monster dad shakku lost at anything related to physicality lmao#is it mental????? like was shakku’s mind just unable to keep up???? that’s kinda insane to me too tho lol#like you never know what your failings are until you’re under that much duress#so fr we don’t know what shakku is like when placed under that much stress#but it’s definitely something that makes me even more curious about shakku’s past and what shaped him lol#like what if arb RLY meant it that shakku was a punk head in his past and did aaallllllll the shit like drinking and smoking#and THATS why shakku can’t hang he abused his body too much in his youth and just can’t complete that regimen bc of it#ah harai family mysteries lol fr happy father’s day shakku 💜💜��
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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Tbh the thing is I really do love 99% of Jonships it’s just that
I hate j.mart and
95% of things made for non-JE jonships are made by Eliashaters which almost always leads to a flattening of his character (and. Generally doesn’t bode super well for the other characters either…)
And so basically the only habitable corner of the fandom is JE. JE also has it’s share of Eliashaters but most of them are kind enough to announce it immediately so I can avoid them. It also has a good share of Martinenjoyers but to a lesser extent so it’s at least bearable (and also I feel like most Martinhaters drift towards JE lmao).
#look. am i enough of a snob to say that if you hate elias you can’t understand him or the podcast…..?#no. i’m not quite that pretentious lmao#but just about every time i see someone who ardently no nuance 100% despises him it’s someone whose analysis of him is#‘he’s a capitalist >:((((((‘ based on like nothing.#like. you know you can hate him for things he does and says in the podcast right?#he traumatized multiple employees on camera. he turned jon into an avatar against his will. he ended the world#it’s fine you don’t even need to make shit up about him he did a bunch of evil things you can be mad at him for#you don’t even need those as a reason!! you can just hate his vibe!!!!#granted i won’t understand you but like. he’s not real. you don’t need a reason. it’s ok.#anyway it sucks cause i think lots of jonships have the potential to be Interesting As Hell and Lots Of Fun#but it really is a chore to sift through all the stuff i dislike lol#also tbh je is just. way more popular??#nowhere near j.mart levels but still leaps and bounds ahead of everything else#especially because ot3s involving jm and jm endgame are much rarer
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#think I need to delete TikTok#been on the bad side and been getting pro life debaters on my fyp#finally decided to go up and say something cause I was getting so annoyed and upset#OH BOY that was a bad decision#never ever doing that again#and this is why I can’t go out and be around normal people#I can’t even talk to a stranger online#I’m literally shaking and bawling right now#it’s 5:43am and I meant to go to bed like 3 hours ago#wanted to post on TikTok and see if I could get any $$ cause I’m desperate#but nah that ain’t gonna happen cause people suck and I hate everyone and anything I make would be shit#and I can’t do anything right#basically I was trying to explain that mental health comes into play too… that abortion isn’t just black and white#I should have known before I even tried that first of all he’s a male and he wasn’t listening to anyone talk#I just have so many things I want to say but no one to say them#and it was a smaller live so I was like why not and fuck that fuck that fuck that nope#too mentally ill for that 🙃#gonna try and go to bed and calm down my heart#sorry I haven’t been posting or on much…. been struggling more than words could ever express#php helped and I felt a glimmer of hope for a day and a half and ever since it’s just been a downward nonstop spiral#love you all and hope you guys are doing okay 🫶#just needed to vent lol and since I have no friends y’all get to hear it 👌#shut up rosie
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sighs and collapses and disintegrates into the wind
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#cw vent post#ah yes. another restless nights sleep in a cold room bc i was too upset and sick to eat enough yesterday and my nightmares won’t let up and#my heater isn’t enough to warm the room when it’s this fucking cold outside. but it’s fine bc i don’t think i deserve to be warmer anyway#i should get water but i’ve been stuck laying here for an hour wondering if im racist and feeling like i should just. leave. or smthn. idk#i need a caregiver so there’s someone here to stop me from doomscrolling tumblr and reddit discourse for two hours before bed. lol#but ig no matter how careful i try to be there’ll always be part of me thats. unconsciously? racist? bc im white so its just part of me#idk im not educated enough to talk about it so i guess the real lesson to learn here is to keep my fucking mouth shut. which i can do!#i don’t. know how to apologize correctly. bc no one wants to hear me piss and moan abt my white guilt. if that’s what it even is#im too stupid to understand what to do or say and the more i type the worse it sounds so im just. sorry. i apologize for anything i’ve said#or done. that wasn’t right or was insensitive or thoughtless or uneducated or. whatever else it is i rlly don’t know#i didn’t mean to use AAVE. i really didn’t know. so i’ll go edit the tag where i used it but. that’s only one example. how many more am i#unaware of? how often do i put my foot in my mouth and not know it? im sorry. i’ll try to do better#but there’s so much to be mindful of that i can’t keep track of it all and it’s overwhelming me so i think i should just. be quiet.#‘always a fanfic writer at the scene of the crime’ i. didn’t know there was a connection between racism and fanfic. now im worried#was that just an easy jab to make bc it’s cringe or is it actually problematic. why does it seem like theres smthn wrong w everything i do#anyways. i have to stop thinking abt it or im gonna anxiety vomit. i could go lay on the couch#it in the only warm room of the house but it’s covered in dog hair and i hate the smell from the stupid fucking propane heater#it gives me a headache and makes me paranoid. why did he install gas heat when he could’ve gone with a heat pump. all he did was make#everything harder on everybody. so now we have dangerous gas heat in the winter and shitty mold-filled window ac units in the summer#when he could’ve installed a heat pump/ac unit combo thingy and we would’ve been good to go. why is he like this.#YOURE A GODDAMN ELECTRICIAN. HAVE BEEN YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. SO ACT LIKE IT.#im staying in bed. the rest of the house reeks of burnt plastic bc SOMEONE decided to take FOUR sedatives and drink a couple beers before#trying to use the stove to cook dinner :))) so now i have to figure out how to clean that up. i take back everything i said about winter#being my favorite season. this shit fucking sucks. there’s so much more to stress over and it’s all so much more expensive and exhausting#i never want another dog or cat ever again after these two pass. im not the person i once was and i cannot care for them like i used to.#i can’t even care for myself. couldn’t if i Wanted to right now bc everything is frozen solid. can’t shower. can’t do any laundry.#just get to sit here filthy cold and miserable in the one clean-ish sweater i have left for ? days until temps get back above freezing#anyways thats enough bitching abt my first world problems. time to shut up and be grateful for what i Do have bc it could be a Lot worse
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hi, I don't use tumblr often, but i when i do, i always check your account to check if you posted something. LIAB is amazing. i truly have no words. i have read a LOT of fanfics from very different fandoms and i can confidently say that Leaving It All Behind is the best one i have ever read. the world you've built around the main characters is so deep, and realistic. even though benders are not real, it feels like i'm reading about true events. you describe the horrors of war and trauma so well. i'm actually very, very impressed. i happen to be a person that suffers from ptsd and other mental illnesses and and the way you portray traumatized characters is very realistic. i know you always say that the main characters' recovery is unrealistically fast, but don't worry about that. the way you describe zuko and sokka's feelings is perfect. their recovery doesn't seem rushed. it just looks like they're adapting and learning how to deal with it fast (we have to remember that the war is still very much happening and sadly they don't have a lot of time to deal with everything that happened to them). i'm so grateful i found your work. it's truly amazing, i hope you won't give up on writing when you finish the LIAB trilogy. have a good day/night
AWWWW OMG THANK YOU <3
seriously this was so kind I’m still in shock. I’m so happy you think the healing arc is realistic because I try to balance the stories pace with the characters struggles and emotions (some of them make it DIFFICULT haha) but I’m always worried it doesn’t translate well.
I have a lot of fun writing LIAB & I’m really glad you like it so much. I hope I continue to make you proud & thank you so much for this amazing ask you made my day <3
#This is so validating you have no idea ahhhh#I have read so many fics where the chatacter (zuko lol) has gone through extreme trauma or torture and he gets rescued or escapes#& then it’s like after a quick patch up job he is essentially back to normal#Which… no. lol. I can’t do it!#Trauma follows a person whether they like it or not & everyone copes differently to it#So even with zuko and sokka going through so much they’ll both handle their trauma completely different#I try to show that lol so I’m glad you like it#I am totally worried about the upcoming battle though#Cause shits about to get really rough#But we are in a fun arc right now (as fun as liab can be it’s a fic about children fighting a war so idk… I’d say 25% fun 75% angst)#So we have a few more fun chapters idk 4/5 and then we are on the home stretch#Idk what I’ll do when it’s over this has been so much fun and I’m so sad it’ll come to an end this year#But thanks again for this amazing ask#Its comments and asks like this that pets the head and makes me feel like a good author lol#Gets me fired up to finish the fic!#Wohoooo thank you !!!#Deansnoodle#Zukka#liab#ITF#RIA#ask#Leaving it all behind
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john b x pogue!reader who’s a bitch in that “i’m in love with you but i hate myself so i’m convinced you’ll never love me back and i’m going to push you away” way
#i need to make an mb for this#childhood friends with him & jj but you drifted apart bc of traumatic reasons and now you’ve built a wall around yourself they’re so#surprised by#john b’s just like ‘wtf 🥺 you used to love when i would baby you’#now you’re hissing and scratching him :(#you tell him you can’t help them with anything anymore bc you’ve got your own family to feed and take care of#and its too dangerous to get involed with the shit storm they’ve got themselves in#but you’re still their family#oldest child coded reader self shipping lol#you have an old jacket of john b’s that you put on a teddy bear he won you once and hump it when you miss him#maybe rafe is even eyeing you up somehow#wait let me cook#jj and pope are homosexualing it up somewhere idk#📜.scrolls
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I’m gonna challenge my subconscious to a fist fight and I’m gonna lose
#i had a dream that mabel kept coming back to life just to sniff stuff or investigate food that she liked#she was still dead but i’d buried her instead of cremating her and for whatever reason i was either digging her up#or she was digging herself up and sniffing and eating stuff#and i was like ‘she’s CLEARLY still alive if she can do this’ and everyone was like ‘no she’s dead you have to bury her again’#whenever she fell asleep she would be dead again. like she’d stop breathing and her heart would stop#i don’t know if she was like. a vampire dog? but it was so upsetting to dream#this is the second sad dream i’ve had about mabel in the course of like 3 days.. no less because the last one made me wake up in tears#on friday morning. and like it’s brought me to my knees honestly. i can’t DO this#also in my dream i went to a careers advisor or life coach or something and they were really mean to me lol#and my family made me go with them to visit some people i didn’t know who insisted on serving us cups of tea#it was really strong hot tea and i don’t really drink tea like that#and my grandma’s friend who was the loveliest woman and died a few years ago was there#and she was just absolutely pouring milk in her tea even though it was overflowing and going everywhere#and mabel was there accosting their terriers even though she was supposed to be dead. it was too much#in another part of the dream my old roommafe (who i really didn’t like) was pressuring me to go drinking with her even though mabel had just#(dubiously) died. and i was like ‘you do realise i’m going to get absolutely paralytic and scream and cry about my dog the whole time’#there was also this subplot where like everyone i knew but me had been in a play and the stage makeup had been made from ‘magic beans’#that stained everyone blue. so everyone i met had randomly blue eyebrows and stuff#there was one man who was just fully blue#also i was supposed to be in the world championships for a game that was like tetris but more esoteric but the servers broke down#or something like that. i think that’s everything#i’m just like.. why make me bawl at 6:30 on a sunday morning. what’s the advantage of that#i’m supposed to be taking care of benji and he’s looking at me like ‘god this woman is a basket case’#his owner has colitis and chronic fatigue and she has her shit more together than me#personal
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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Sums up my brain pretty well 😭 this weekend was something else 🫠🥰 people who love love are truly having a great time atm.
#I’m not even gonna try express how overwhelmed I am lol#but truly. you can’t make this shit up#juanjo deserved this stage so much. his talent is unmatched#not to mention boyfriend/biggest fan/supporter of the year award🥇#and galanogala tonight?? pls let me breathe (no pls don’t)#juantin#Juanjo bona#martin urrutia#David Bisbal
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