#yes im complaining about today
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idk why we even bother with airlines since they run on such a whose line is it anyway point system workplan. You'll be like yes I would like to leave on THIS date, at THIS time, and sit in THIS seat, then change in THIS city at this other time
and airlines be like lolololol we're actually gonna change literally every single one of those things just because and also make you sit in Newark for 5 hours
#yes im complaining about today#i understand delays but like why did you change out seats?? lol#its fine actually it worked out in the end#my thrilling life
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actually one of the details that frustrates me the most from TSATS, relating to how much the book completely erases or absolutely bastardizes neurodivergence, is how Percy's cameo is characterized.
One of the consistent things aspects of Percy's relationship with the education system throughout the series is that Percy is smart, and he does try in school, but he has a learning disability. The only reason he gets bad grades is because he has a learning disability and the way the modern american education system is built is inherently at odds with that. In the first series we actually have explicit references to Percy doing better in school when he's in environments that actually accommodate for his disabilities! It's not that he's not trying, he's disabled.
So it is so disheartening and horrible to see Percy characterized in TSATS as just being disinterested in school, and his failing grades being made a joke about implying him ditching classes because he just doesn't care. That's the number one ableist thing ADHD/dyslexic students hear! Implying that they "just don't care" and dismissing their disabilities. It is so horrible to see that joke being made in the Percy Jackson series of all franchises. Especially when you add that on to the rest of the quite frankly ableist characterizations in TSATS and how much the book erases Nico and Will's disabilities/neurodivergence.
#pjo#percy jackson#riordanverse#tsats crit#rr crit#tsats#the sun and the star#adhd#yes im back on my BS i was randomly reminded of this#YOU CANNOT DIVORCE PJO FROM DISABILITY/NEURODIVERGENCE. YOU CANNOT.#IF YOU DO IT IS NO LONGER PJO BECAUSE THAT IS THE LITERAL CORE OF THE SERIES#and i dont care how TSATS was labeled. the alleged themes they were ''representing'' were either nonexistent or horribly depicted#this was in the drafts cause i was thinking abt it the other day#but i am sick today and annoyed about disability stuff so into the wild it goes#i was in a complaining mood that day and now my brain has ceased functioning but w/ever#i will queue some cute art for a lil bit after this#cause i do not like to be negative
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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh
#i just find it like so unfair yknow#im the only one who works in myhouse and full time#but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put#my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but#i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger#its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad#and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility#and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough#and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother#said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9#and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time#constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers#and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either#its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they#cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl#thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on#im just tired and upset#its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing#im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf#oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this#and yk what#thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is#i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return#or if not#theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them#i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me#its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me
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mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.
#it was so good tho#like so cool i was internally freaking out about how cool things looked#the fight scenes🤌#the environments/settings🤌#all of the fuckin machinery🤌#the acting🤌#the everything🤌#yum#also i dont find austin butler attractive but funnily enough feyd was the only time ive found him hot😭 yes i have issues. but like. okayyy..#i watched it alone and i wish doing things alone wasnt seen as such a weird or sad thing like. theres nothing wrong with it#sorta vent->#but basically ive been feeling like an annoying piece of shit so ive been staying off of here for the most part#because ive been convincing myself no one likes me and everyone in my life would be better off without me😝😝#just tee bee ehch#and idk i was just feeling like ass and was doing nothing and when i finally would go to use tumblr i was already too tired to do shit#so i just went to sleep#and i was busy today#yesterday*#and ill probably be a bit busy today too but idk maybe hopefully ill catch up a bit#idk ya boys just been hating himself like usual but not as usual bc it was worse but it is what it is#i felt a bit better yesterday though#and also my new antidepressants ive been on havent been doing shit for me so im going back to a previous one i used to be on so yea#hopefully that helps soonish idk#i never vent on here so i feel kinda bad for doing so but i just wanted to puke my thoughts here#also since im already here complaining ive just like. not written at allllllll basically like i got into my head and made myself discouraged#so. that sucks. but also nothing out of the ordinary there#why does Everything i say sound so embarrassingly depressing and pathetic hhhhhhhgggggggggggggghhhghghg#anyways yea i was doing bad im still not doing good but hopefully will be a bit better so ill be back and caught up later today or tomorrow#idk if anyone gave a fuck or noticed but i just like complaining into the void so yea#talkin shit
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I think every roommate on this planet needs to disappear under mysterious circumstances👍
#like buddy. guy sent an angry text about nobody doing their chores and like. yes. im complaining about that too#but thats the fucking issue!!!! im doing shit too#ruined my fucking day#and now hes back to making horrible noises in the kitchen and im gonna bash my head in#sighhhh. at least i showered today i guess. havent done that in a while
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pro: ran into a coworker at a bar last night who I don’t really talk to usually (he works upstairs, I work downstairs) and we talked and im pretty sure we were highkey flirting and he bought me a drink and the bar merch shirt i was interested in and thanks to the power of alcohol i guess i asked for his number and he gladly gave it to me and. yeah
con: i have the second worst hangover i have ever had and have been fighting for my fucking life just to eat saltines
#it’s getting better but only now that it’s like. 6pm#as weird as it sounds part of why this sucks is that I volunteered to come into work today cause there’s a concert going on nearby which#usually means we’re at least somewhat busy -> make better tips#and I couldn’t go in because well. you know#I’ve been sick and dying in bed all day unable to move or eat or anything#let alone take the bus and go to work#but. as much as I wish I didn’t go this overboard I don’t totally regret last night cause.#yeah. potential thing going on with cute coworker guy. OH and potential job opportunity at my favorite bar in town#apparently said coworker Also has a job at the bar in addition to where we both work and the bar is hiring barbacks at entry-level#so I have someone to vouch for me and the bartender we were talking to seemed to really want me to apply too#one thing that’s kinda funny to me about all this is that the first two places (a bar then a club) we were at felt really mid because they#were packed with way too many straight people (at a gay bar and a gay club)#but the bar we ended up at (where we ALWAYS end up at. it is the oasis. it is the only thing I can rely on) felt. like. not overwhelmingly#straight? at all? I mean part of it’s just luck in a way with just who happened to be there and all that but it’s also that the staff seem#pretty significantly populated with queer ppl#I complained to the bartender about how the club we were at (one of the biggest gay clubs in the city- if not The biggest) just felt kinda#meh because yeah maybe there were some guys dancing in jockstraps and whatever but the crowd itself like. did not feel largely queer#or at least didn’t have the spirit I’d hope for in a queer space if that makes sense. felt very conventional. not enough wild outfits and#makeup and gender fuckery and so on#and the bartender was like dude I KNOW right? I went off outside there once about the invasion of cishets when this space isn’t FOR them#and so on and so forth. and god that was So real.#so the experience at my beloved bar last night was like. 1) guy comes up behind me just to order a drink but i was saving a seat for my#friend who was in the bathroom and mentioned that in case he was looking to take the seat. chatted a little. ended with him pointing out#that a guy nearby was trying to holla at me.#2) I look over and yes. the dj is. in fact. looking directly at me and mouthing the lyrics to whatever song was playing pointed my way.#it was pretty sweet honestly I think it was partly cause I looked like I was shy and alone#3) whatever gay shit was going on with my coworker and i. amusingly he seems to get more flamboyant when he drinks just like i do.#im not 100% sure what his sexuality is but i Am 100% sure it is Not straight. but yeah. if it hadn’t been so close to closing time ive been#hardcore wondering where that would’ve gone. maybe its for the best that i had to go when i did cause i was pretty drunk and who knows when#I could’ve hit the amount of drunk it takes to like outright say hey just so you know i’d suck your dick right now if you wanted
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i need to do exposure therapy with purgatory i think the fandom experience at the time instilled the unpleasant dread and despair i still feel whenever i think about the event
#though it was also . the event itself’s fault . lol#and the miserable experience it was to watch them play from 7 pm to 5 am every single day for two weeks my time#and yes a lot of my unpleasant feelings towards purg come from my own ass being hyperfixated on the serv/etoiles#to a point where i struggled to Not watch . which made the feelings worse yknow#also like it kinda sucked for everyone it also sucked as an etoiles viewer . man was constantly stuck between the#‘i can’t fight like i want to bc people will complain that im too strong and it’s unfair nor can i Not fight bc people will complain that#i’m going easy on people/not invested in the team’ . and he was right people shit on him either way#like the event marked him in the ‘damned if i do damned if i don’t’ department so much that he still uses purgatory as an example today#and then he joined purg2……. babey girl ur hyperfixation is hurting u….. i actually enjoyed purg2 more tho so idc as much LOL#purg2 was better bc it was an event u actually willingly joined and it included people not from the main server so it wasn’t stuck in#fucking ‘is this lore or a pvp competition’ limbo#anw yeah even though i dislike purgatory overall bc it rly did shitall other than make people angry for two weeks (on ur server thats#supposed to be about uniting cultures . they all spoke in primarily english for two weeks bc the competition model that purg was#was just not built for short distance discussions…. lord)#there’s still some cool stuff that came out of it . my fave highlights r bloodhounds and nice cogs i love them#when i feel stronger i will comb through the vods to write up the relevant stuff for the etoiles miraheze page i just . am still not strong#enough . the detox must be slow and steady#jay rambles#also i am going to bed now i should have been asleep ages ago
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:(
Very bad grade in therapy today
#thought i could make progress this year and yet here i am having done jack shit by now#what has even been the point#i just wanted to do something today that didnt feel awful like try to encourage people to watch a show or play a game#and now im just right back to Why do i bother staying alive? im never going to make any progress#and even if i do I'm going to just be worthless the whole time and waste precious resources others could be using#oh yes just try saying a nice thing to yourself for once! yeah sure that will help when i cant do anything worth a damn#i want to help people but i have no skillsets and no money to further my education and teaching myself gets me right where i already am!#continuing like this is like spitting in the face of anyone who is actually out there pursuing their dreams and thats not fair to them#they put in all that hard work and im over here being a whiny ass bitch bc i want so badly to do better and learn more#but the only thing holding me back is that im a dumbass who cant do anything right and no one will ever think differently#why am i trying to make myself something i can never be? what is goddamn point if its just a waste of everyones time and effort#i just... it feels like the least i can do is just stop taking up space#free up some oxygen for someone who really needs it and shelter for someone who truly deserves it#i shouldnt even have these things and yet i complain about how much gas i have to pay to commute to my jobs#like such an asshole#and i said i so much in these tags bc im such a selfish jerk who coearly doesnt care enough nor has a worthwhile vocabulary to say otherwise#theres just no fucking point to any of this#...#its cold today#might be a good day to do my favorite plan#actually yeah fuck it im gonna go#hope you all stay kind to yourselves and enjoy your 2024#you absolutely deserve it and everything you can get out of it#keep being amazing yall#see you on the flip side or whatever#orbs thought bubbles
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what cruel thought process do moms have that make them compare their much milder suffering to your own, as if its some sort of pity party competition instead of you very honestly telling them you're having a bad day (week. month. etc.) and how do we obliterate it from every conceivable universe. asking for me.
#this is not a real question Im just angry#I tell my mom I am having a bad day and struggling to function.#she proceeds to complain and vent dump about how hard her day was and how awful her (delicious) lunch was to me#(I am type 1 diabetic and had cheese and crackers for lunch.)#(I had just told her I was struggling to feed myself today let alone exist. that I have been exhausted.)#Im sure this was her attempt at being relatable to me or something. but it isn't. it is speaking over me.#it feels like she needs the conversation to be about her or relate back to her or she can't fathom it. im so tired.#I just walked away lmao I can't. I cannot.#why yes learning a lot at work can be overwhelming. you know what else can be overwhelming? having no space to exist in within my own home#wanting to die 1 day after being back at home is not a healthy or good sign.#vent#delete later
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coworker (derogatory)
#she just fucking. IRKS me#so we have the same job. same authority level. yet she acts like shes a lead#which would be fine im ok with others taking charge#IF THEY DO IT RIGHT#shes SO FUCKING BAD AT IT??#AND. we have senority!!#yes she is older than us physically but we have worked here for months longer!!!#if anyone is in charge (WHICH SHOULD BE THE LEAD) would it not be the guy who worked there longest???#uggghhhh#she came in late today then was like um youre doing potties wrong youre only supposed to fill half and leave the other stalls for ne#girl then be on time#im not waiting for u im not making the dogs wait for u#so she starts bringing my dogs back (against the rules) (we literally had a meeting last night)#im done arguing. just. fine. whatever. she better have charted or else thatll look bad on me since i brought the dogs out#confronts me later. make sure you fill the potty waters. i say i do. she says yeah but not enough#gestures to a bowl she has filled that is 1) smaller than the bowls in potties 2) TOO FULL#we're not supposed to fill them past halfway so they dont spill#and theyre in the potties for like. 15 minutes. even if they finish their water. im fairly sure its not that inhumane for them to#wait a few more minutes before they go back to their room#THEN. she goes to do feeding. someone is in a meeting where the ipads are (needed to track feeding)#only ipad out is for the front. the front also needs an ipad. so i am instructed to wait#few min later. she comes with an ipad. is the meeting over? no i took it from the front#GIRL.#and she always complains about being in group too much#bestie 90% of the job is group#if you get a day shift youre gonna spend it in group#chill#just. ugh#chaos chitters
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hm.
#been feeling very irritable and negative lately to the point where ive been catching myself getting really frustrated with my dear friends#like i just saw something a friend said and i literally went 'oh my god who gives a fuck' out loud under my breath#and i feel incredibly guilty about it#choosing to blame academia but it literally makes me wanna cry. like i feel like a terrible person and friend#and before you ask. yes i ate yes i had a full nights sleep yes i left my room today yes im drinking water#and its still happening#idk i just cant stop complaining and feeling so DONE with everyone#i just. really thought i was getting better :/#oh well. i guess#ugh i just. UGH last night i talked so much shit about truly one of my closest friends. and its like okay they kinda deserved it#because what they did was shitty#but im literally perpetuating my own worst fear. which is being secretly disliked by those closest to me#:((( AGH.#diary
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i forgot that attending an english course means i have to see the monstrosity in form of "she or he" instead of the fucking "they"
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wxs outfit reveal tomorrow (in the voice of the costco founder when referring to his hot dogs) if you fucking change the design of the ugly coat, I will kill you.
#IM SCAREDDD I DONT WANNA SEE THE OLD ONES GO they’re too iconic 🙁🙁🙁#leoni and mmj outfits are kind of scary with how uniform they are.. but I have a bit of hope after seeing vbs outfits today#I feel like the whole point of their outfits is to reflect them and also be extremely distinguishable…#also people have been complaining about ruis ugly coat for years but I don’t care. yes it is ugly but it suits him…#he’s supposed to be a genius inventor in a (at least for pheniland) childrens performer troupe… it wasnt supposed to look good#prsk
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it's times like this (being kinda sick) when i appreciate my job bc i just sit there and don't need to talk to anyone 🫡
#hopefully everyone else is busy so i don't need to be social today#and yes i will be complaining about this until im 100% better#lisa.txt
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*spongebob's hawaiian cocktail playing* I'm gonna end up texting first like always aren't I
#bro i feel so lonely 😭#if i text this one friend and actually say yes im most likely gonna feel even shittier afterwards like always but like#i dont have. a lot of options to choose from. haha#:(#i wish i still had people that wanted to hang out with me i have to do everything lately#and i feel like such a burden asking people to put up with me#i passed near an ex friends house today so im feeling too nostalgic ig#tengo que levantar la pala de una buena vez asi no tengo tiempo para nada. ni para sentirme mal#haunted.txt#i do all the reaching out on this one friendship in particular#be it trying to check on her. just talk or visit#i dont mind going to buenos aires but it would be nice if we could hang out here sometimes#and I KNOW she comes here sometimes. she just never wants to see me in particular when she does :(#she always has other stuff going on the few times we hang out so she will either be ignoring me#or doing whatever else she needs to do while i wait outside or drag behind her#which i dont mind usually! i love acompanying friends to do whatever tasks they need to do#but when i see a friend i had to travel 2 hours to get there and we see each other maybe two times a year#it would be nice if at least i could talk to them for more than 5 minutes you know :)#im probably complaining about stupid stuff
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Aw fuck I just remembered everything that happened at work today
I better get a DAMNNNN good raise after all this lmao
#speculation nation#the fact that my raise is impending and is not currently defined may be affecting my willingness to help out extra#so yes i agreed to work an extra hour and a half today#and yes i scrambled to make 35 drinks in 15 mins bc manager forgot a catering order#and Yes i agreed to work a double shift and take over doing boba on another day so we can fire the problem employee#which Oh Yeah im still mindboggled by the fact that she was apparently being RACIST to international student customers!!!!!!#she didnt do that around ME. probably bc she wouldnt have gotten away with it lmao#not racist in the way of calling ppl slurs or anything but just. being really bitchy and unfriendly#and complaining about ppl's accents making them hard to understand. To The Customer.#& after this came to light one of our nonwhite employees admitted that it felt like this girl was weirdly unfriendly to her#& me n the manager felt So Bad for it#like we've been thinking about firing this girl. had already decided on it. but we were just waiting for a good time.#but this shit is just. not acceptable. so im glad it's come to light so we can Do something about it.#tomorrow will be interesting. im going to hear about it secondhand bc no way im going in Even to watch things unfold.#bc i have tomorrow off ❤️ and im gonna try to spend it relaxing#bc my next few days are... not gonna be the most relaxing lmao#it'll be worth it to get her out of here tho. good riddance.
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