#yes having fulfilling relationships can do wonders for your mental health and sense of self!

[katierosefun]

ough so i just finished watching heartstopper and something i do rather appreciate about this show--outside of all the beautiful queer rep and friendships--is probably just this. idea that you could be surrounded by literally the best and kindest support group and! sometimes you will still have bad days! something something when doctor who said that life is a pile of good things and a pile of bad things and the good things don't always make the bad things go away, but the bad things don't make the good things less significant or important! it is very true that you could have a million reasons to be happy, but still struggle very deeply with hurts that you've had in the past! but that's okay! that doesn't mean you're a sad story! you'll be okay! it's not bad that you have all these beautiful people in your life and still aren't 100% there all the time! you'll be! okay!

[nightswithkookmin]

So every member has been posting on weverse or Twitter lately, they've been coming on vlive. But Jk has done none of this. Do you see his social media absence as a silent rebellion against BH for them trying to hide Jikook or do you think he's probably just staying away for like mental health reasons or something.

Run that by me one more time???

Are you asking for my opinion on why JK might be absent from social media or are you asking me to choose between those two opinions as explanation as to why Jungkook might be absent from social media???

Is it for his mental health or relationship??? Lol. You are juxtaposing two extremely opposite theories so one sounds more appealing and plausible to highlight the other as outlandish and ridiculous. But that's a fallacy ma'am. Nice try though.

Also, the part about BigHit hiding Jikook...

I object. You is leading the witness sir/ma'am.

It's a little bit silly and presumptuous to assume whenever a member is absent from social media that the only possible reason I could possibly think of is that they are rebelling against their company.

Sometimes it's just a case of volition and personal interests. Sometimes you just don't wanna be social on social media. Sometimes you have work, family, chores, practice. Sometimes you've outgrown the space or lost track of why you wanted to be apart of an online community in the first place. Sometimes it's the toxicity and wanting to take a break from it for your mental health. Literally a plethora of reasons all of which could be valid depending on the context.

I try to give my theories context by sharing as much of my thought process as possible. It's asinine to strip those contexts away and present me with a skinned theory devoid of context.

About his mental health-

Let's try it this way...

Your first Ask: is there ever a moment I wonder if Jikook are just platonic brothers or something along those lines.

Yes. When they are not together romantically. I look at them and go huh... that's a very platonic hug, or interaction. I still uWu over their interactions though.

Cute. Next.

Is he rebelling against BigHit....

Why would he?? What's the context?

Do you think BigHit is making changes JK and the others might not be happy with in the company? Do you think the company or the members are interfering in his self autonomy and determination within the group or suppressing him in anyway in regards to what he says, what he does or who he does it with?

If so then him rebelling in that way would make sense to me because he wouldn't be the first idol to have used that tactic. A lot of idols do these and worse to assert themselves against their company.

If there's no such underling subtext then him rebelling makes no fucking sense to me.

Is he staying away for his mental health

Again, do you think he's been exposed to severe amounts of toxicity and hate online beyond what all the members experience on a daily such that he would need a break from the internet to rejuvenate like we saw around 2019? If so then taking a break for his mental health would make a lot of sense too.

But for someone who keeps reiterating how important connecting with his fans is to him, you gotta wonder how he strikes a balance between his mental health needs, his emotional needs and his professional deeds.

This is the last he was seen on Weverse.

Relatively recent I'd say. So when you say he's absent from social media which timeframes do you mean? They were all pretty much off the grid until recent times post PTD not just him. Are they all dealing with mental health issues or are they all rebelling against their company or something?

You have all these tiktok trends and memes he's been referring to here and there and incorporating into their freestyle dance- seems to me he's active online alright. Just not in the way we are used to them being 'active' online. He is fulfilling that need to connect with his fans just not in a way you'd expect. I can say same for Jimin.

Just gonna have to observe things for a while to form a definitive opinion. If you know what I mean.

BigHit hiding Jikook

Sigh. Sounds like shade when you put it like that honestly and so I didn't want to touch it but also I don't think anyone in Bangtan has had an out in the open romantic relationship with anyone yet💀

Show me RMs partner or Suga's girlfriend.

BTS are hiding their relationships gay or straight. If you can see it from that angle then I think the idea of Jikook hiding their relationship or Bighit aiding them or asking them to privatize their relationship isn't so outlandish and ridiculous like you make it seem. BTS are allowed to date, they are just not allowed to make those relationships public💀

If Jikook were heterosexuals and in different bands I think a lot of people would have entertained the thought. Hell people are convinced they are each dating female idols and keeping it a secret. People are convinced JK is dating Mijoo and keeping that a secret but him dating a boy in the same band and keeping it a secret is kapushkalava😌

Theories of RM married and raising a kid abounds in this fandom and people entertain the idea. However, because Jikook are in the same band and play out certain interactions in front of the cameras the thought that they may be hiding sounds funny in y'alls ears? Jokers💀

Most idols hide their relationships and are required by their companies to keep that out of the public eye. Jikook are idols ergo they are required to hide and are hiding their relationships be it with themselves or with others.

And yes BigHit does aid them in doing so when they issue statements about that "this relationship rumor is false" or when the members evade questions about their relationships in a way to insinuate they are single and not in relationships.

How Jikook feel about being required by the company to keep their relationships to themselves or their peers taking it upon themselves to enforce those company policies of private relationships is up for debate and speculation.

BTS wrote a whole ass song dissing the company and calling them out for having a no dating policy yet expecting them to write love songs and yet somehow we think it's ridiculous that Jikook who are part of BTS would rebel against their company from time to time over certain mandates? Lmho.

Edit:

This ask was sent in a few days before JK's recent VLive. I started answering it and let it go to draft because I felt it was pointless to answer it. Especially since a lot of my thoughts on this were regurgitative, abstract, and based on my own subjective opinion and assumptions about the boys. I feel I keep repeating myself and repeating the same things I've been saying over and over with these kinds of shady trolling asks. Sigh.

However, due to recent events that gives more credit to my thoughts and feelings on the matter, I'll attempt to answer it again.

In JK's VLive he said he noticed it's been a while he interacted with Fans which is why he jumped on the Live to see Army- if we take his word for it and at face value then he said nothing about his mental health ergo it can't be because of that😌

Tae equally said in his VLive he noticed the others coming on VLive and so he thought he would come too.

Now, don't you think they wouldn't have come so spontaneously if they were dealing with mental health issues or trying to take care of their mental health???

There was a time Tae was constantly online interacting with Fans and I think I was one of the few people out here who speculated he was lonely and wasn't dating anyone at the time- which he confirmed in Soop by the way when he told JK he being online constantly was because he was lonely.

Do you think he staying off Social media in recent times is because of his mental or that he doesn't feel as lonely anymore??

I stay off line sometimes for my mental health, sometimes too it's because I feel there are people and things in my life I've neglected and need to spend time with and pay equal attention to them.

Sometimes it's because there's death in the family or studies, or work or a film I need to catch up on...

As to the relationship between campanies and artists- in case you can't pick up on the subtle cues some of the members leave- Suga captures it so well in his Weverse magazine interview.

We made you, as long as you follow our instructions you will be good. Idols are expected to be subservient and sycophantic. As Suga points out it's a thing in the industry and it's destroying the industry.

As to whether or not you think BTS are fully and totally exempt from this harsh reality because BigHit is different is up to you frankly. As to whether or not you think this type of attitude from companies can create friction and tensions between them and the bands is equally up to you.

As to whether you think certain members in BTS are more obsequious than others, more rebellious than others is equally up to you.

In what ways they rebel is up to you too.

That's part A.

Part B. Lol

I answered the first part of this Ask based on the assumption you were being shady. But just in case you were not then here is an alternative response.

Like I said, JK is not the only member who's been absent from SNS in recent times. They all were at one point.

It's interesting how they will promise to come on Vlive whenever they have some to sell us and only recently started showing up on Vlive consistently when Permission to Dance received such mixed reactions from the audience.

It seems their disconnect from their fanbase and its subsequent consequences is becoming much more apparent to them...

For Jungkook, I think the members discussed his rebellious phase at the beginning of the year when they talked about him not posting for the members's birthday, how they expect his post for Hobi to be a start of something new and Jimin even said he was gonna cut his head off if he didn't post for his birthday- I don't think in all the times he didn't post for the members it's because he was grappling with mental health issues. It's just a post. It doesn't take more than a minute to wish your bandmate a happy birthday on their birthdays.

Especially not when he was posting relatively regularly on SNS but would go radio silent on their birthdays... Forget mental health that's antisocial and we saw how the members felt about that from the VLive.

Also, I think it would be insensitive for the members to expect Jungkook to post on their birthdays or for Jimin to hold him to such high expectations when they know very well that he deals with mental health problems or was dealing with mental health issues in those periods he didn't post for them- whoever says Jungkook didn't post for the members because he was dealing with mental health issues is a fraud. Yea I said it. If I ever spewed that nonsense out here then I'm a fraud too chilee💀

His other forms of silent rebelliousness has been in passive aggressive backhanded remarks aimed at the company and at times certain members. In my opinion of course. He won't do what he won't do and if he has to do it he will do it huffing and puffing and later chat shit about it during pillow talks at night with his boyfriend.

So I don't know what it is he might zeffbe rebelling against now. Like I said, being asked to tone down does not mean he can't Jikook. They are Jikooking. It's just on the low low.

And when you say he is reacting to BigHit hiding Jikook, you have to take into account if Jungkook himself wants to keep things hidden and private. Why would he rebel against something if it's what he wants too?? Know what I mean?

This is why I was talking about context. Jungkook of 2018 and 2019 is not the same Jungkook now. He's pretty much the same person, has the same values but he is learning and growing and that is equally important in the way he sees the world around him.

For instance, he wasn't one to think much about the future when he made certain choices and this is something I've talked about a lot in my blogs. Carpedium, make hay while the sun shines etc used to be his values but now he places a lot of emphasis on thinking about the future, being considerate and about how his actions could impact his future.

Those two mindsets produce totally different actions. One is likely to do very childish things, one is not. One is likely to be reckless, not very ambitious, and less serious, while one is likely to be thoughtful, calculative, intentional and less impulsive. He talks a lot about growing up fast but now it seems to me he's catching up with the times.

This is not to say he is a different person but more so he is becoming. He is learning and unlearning. He is not there yet but he is getting there.

If he wants to sit with Jimin, Vlive with Jimin, post on his birthday and not the others, if he wants to stand in a line up next to him but he can't then definitely he's gonna react strongly to that. But as it stands he is not doing any of that in my opinion- not that I'm aware of. Dude is living his best life out here.

I think I've said this, he is happy with where they are at now. If he is not we will know. That's when they ghetto jumps out of him. Don't know if I'm making sense chilee. Lol.

On the part of the company, I can only speculate to the effect that they are looking for various means to optimize and leverage the bands high demand. That they are trying to monetize their platforms and so restricting access to the boys is part of their mid pandemic marketing strategy- something I have been saying from day dot since the pandemic hit.

Like Suga says, monetization is a huge problem in Kpop and the Pandemic has only exacerbated it.

Showing up on Vlive gives us free access to the boys. As often as we would like to see them through that medium it doesn't pay their bills- doesn't pay much especially if they earn money in Won or whatever currency Naver uses.

YouTube is great. However it comes with restrictions and challenges especially with censorship- videos can be demonetized easily and willy nilly, You have to comply with Coppa and YT guidelines. There's CPM- whixh I don't know if it's high for BTS...

Then there's that whole breaching into Korea/China market agenda going on with them etc

Bighit is a business. BTS is not a nonprofit organization. I think the members can understand that much should the company explain to them why they all- not just Jikook- need to limit access to them.

Bighit made them and holds a contract over their heads. There's a certain amount of control they have over them yet a certain level of autonomy they reserve within such a transaction or business relationship.

Take Tae's appearance in Peakboy's MV for example. It's indication BTS does have a ree will to embark on such out of company adventures. There's Hwarang and features and all these side hustles they do...

Yet in the same breath they were at one point prohibited from taking photos with fans on the streets and stuff like that- I guess I should say allegedly.

If they want to VLive they will- as to whether or not they can VLive outside schedule is another thing all together.

As spontaneous as their VLives can be, a lot of them are scheduled too. So it's interesting how they all went MIA for a noticeable minute without the company officially scheduling these 'compulsory' Fan interactions via Vlive or even YT.

Let's not pretend they don't post sometimes on behalf of certain members. Let's not pretend that that doesn't happen💀

Jungkook showed up on YT grumpy and passive aggressive talking about that he didn't know he was supposed to do a VLive, he wasn't prepared, his hair was messy, he didn't know how to operate things- sigh.

Then he nagged us to death about the arts and crafts thingy... but in his recent live he said singing is all he can do so he sang and thrust his hips away- we can't be mad at that.

So if your question is whether I think there's something up with BTS and how they are interacting with fans or not interacting with fans my answer is yes. I mean that much is obvious...

Money is the root of all evil blink blink. Lol.

Do I think there's something up with Jikook and BigHit my answer is yes still- my theory?? Well I'm still observing things and hoarding information. Can't put out half baked theories you know?

I'm a professional ship delulu theorist and I take my delusions seriously😐

I can say this though, I think BigHit has a lot to lose now that they are a publicly traded company. They have investors and stockholders they hold themselves accountable to- how the fear of a scandal or the stigma of a queer relationship plays into all that is yet to be seen.

They are trying to mitigate that risk through strategic marketing and business models- separating BigHit under Hybe is one, their partnership with Dispatch has always been one. There's just so much they are doing we don't know and can only assume or infer.

If their recent interviews and line of questioning has taught me anything, it's that they are all well aware of our theories on BTS and speculations on their sexuality and if Taemin's manager can ask him or was asked if he was dating Kai to his face then others can equally speculate, wonder and ask BigHit directly if Jikook being the sticky ones in the group are dating fueled by all the fandom theories out there.

Rumour says Jikook is gay and are dating eachother. How Bighit feels about this, how BTS feel about it, how Jikook feel about it open for discussion.

There are those who just want to nip all such rumours in the bud and those who want to lean into it and and profit off of it because negative attention is still attention.

Which brings me to your question about Jikook, because I see you sent that Ask in twice, they sure as hell are goofy and dorky. Jungkook admitted that much in his interview.

They are the ones to troll the lives out of us and feed into our delusions of them. It's why most people dismiss them as messing with fans and playful and fanservicey.

So I find it interesting that the members calling them a couple because of their outfits isn't being taken as goofy, dorky, fanservicey but as a reason to further invalidate their relationship.

If you can't take whatever Jikook says and does seriously then you certainly can't take whatever anyone says and does concerning them seriously either.

I will answer the rest of it under the Ask you sent in. This post is getting longer already.

I hope this helps.

GOLDY

[roominthecastle]

Thank you for taking the time and typing up your reply, @alma37.

Now I get where you were coming from. You are def much more attached to Zoe than I am. You don’t need to produce any other arguments and “I like it better this way” is a perfectly acceptable answer. And while I don’t believe Agatha’s return is completely at Zoe’s expense -- given that she would have died anyway --, I understand the pain of watching a favorite character used as fodder for another one’s story.

You’ve also raised some interesting points and the exact questions I’ve been pondering myself, so I’m gonna take this opportunity to just unload my thoughts here. Please don’t take this as me trying to talk you out of your opinion or preferences bc I don’t wanna do that.

This is mostly just me trying to explain my preferences to myself.

"after Blood Vessel, as much as Dracula liked her, I could not see him and Agatha together”

oh yes, theirs is an infinitely fucked up dynamic, there is no debating that. they are enemies, so murder attempts come w/ the territory, which is not every shipper’s cup of tea and that’s understandable. However, every relationship involving Dracula is fucked up this way by default since he automatically brings his "inclinations” into it. I guess one could write him already “tamed” and w/ less issues but then it wouldn’t really be him. This is a major thing I love about this show, how they are not afraid to portray him as a full-fledged monster who just keeps coming at you w/ a razor smile -- partly bc he literally can’t help himself. He is a predator who -- to once again quote the commentary -- operates w/ a “torturous sense of fairness” that, to me, echoes the amorality you can observe in the animal kingdom: there is no reasoning with a hungry lion once it’s spotted a zebra; it’s in its nature to hunt prey in order to survive. Empathy or morals don’t factor into this basic conduct.

Dracula has this hard-wired primal drive, too. And Agatha points it out early on when she calls him a beast who doesn’t understand the rules governing its behavior but simply follows them. Of course, he has a point, as well, when he claims he’s more than that. He is. Otherwise, he would just be absolved of all the killing he does, which would feel cheap and unjust and would rob his character of all the fun complexities. Underneath the veneer of a sophisticated nobleman there is a beast, and underneath that grotesque (protective) display are human remains and loads of festering mental health issues. But the only person who bothers to look at these layers and how they inform each other is Agatha. Her equally unyielding drive for knowledge & understanding is the power that allows her to counter him, exert control over him, and tap into his deformed human core in a way nobody else has ever been able to. She does this to save others from him but also to satisfy her own dark fascination, and in the process I think she also comes to feel for him. They reach a level of intimacy that makes this outcome inevitable, imo.

This, in my eyes, makes her pretty much the only person who has any chance at having a more meaningful relationship w/ him that lasts longer than his feeding time. This is also what comes across in Dracula’s indirect advice to Zoe: if she hopes to match him, she will need to conjure Agatha from his blood. He essentially gives her the key to his own destruction (which is also his way out), then retreats and waits. This has the same self-regulating vibe as him convincing himself that his immense supernatural power has ordinary loopholes like needing an invitation to enter or the sunlight. Shame is a control tactic and self-shaming is a form of self-control, albeit a very problematic one. He puts in checks and balances which you wouldn’t do unless deep down you knew you needed to be “checked and balanced” by someone who’s willing to take on the thankless task. He cannot do it, he can’t face himself (he literally smashes mirrors and turns from every reflective surface), but Agatha is willing and able to drag him back into the light.

This is why the parallel to Petruvio & his wife works so well. The design to Dracula’s mind (and therefore the way out) is scattered across time and many myths. Agatha collects these and uses them to lead him out of the prison he’s made for himself, which has its visual parallel in the maps being hidden inside the wife’s portrait.

In other words, I cannot see Dracula with anyone else long term since he sees everyone else as a toy and/or a prey -- a means to an end. That’s how he sees Agatha at first, too, and it takes some time for him to realize that he made a mistake. This delayed realization can also be attributed to his bestial drive that has subdued the rest of him for so long, he really cannot cut through its wiring on his own; he came to exist to continue his existence, and the pointless circularity of this is the biggest trap: despite leaving loopholes, he’s still a prisoner of his own hunger & shame. Feeling for others would make it infinitely more painful but shedding empathy only provides a temporary release. Still, life lived solely for oneself is never fulfilling no matter how long it stretches forward, and the insatiable hunger Dracula feels gels nicely w/ this.

It’s Agatha who breaks the circle when she makes him confront the human origin of all this mess. Once she gets through to him, once she makes him remember, we can witness what Mofftiss call the “beginning of morality” and empathy seeping back into Dracula, and his existence takes on meaning when he chooses to sacrifice his immortality to take away her mortal pain. To me this feels like a direct call-back to the scene where he asks her if she is willing to die to save that terrified child and she tells him she would die to save any terrified child bc “there is a nobler purpose to my life than simply prolonging it.” But Dracula only comes to feel this nobler purpose where Agatha is concerned (baby steps :). He still doesn’t care about anyone else but that could be a juicy problem to tackle next season if there is one. *crosses fingers*

“they needed Agatha to stay human until the end of TDC - but, in that case, why bring her so late in the episode?”

I’m afraid only the writers can answer this one. But my best guess is that there are other characters from the novel -- Lucy especially -- they wanted to play with a little. Since I like them, too, and like how they planted them into this modern setting, I have no problem w/ Agatha taking her sweet time resurrecting. This was also a nice way to show just how bored & lost Dracula is in her absence (side note: him using Tinder as a takeout menu + complaining that he has to exercise now that everything is delivered and doesn’t have to be hunted down will never not be hilarious AF). I have seen a few fans complain about the pacing of ep 3 but I think it provides a nice, strategic contrast to the more dynamic previous episode, again highlighting why Agatha’s presence in his life was so invigorating and how her absence is the opposite -- he is a 500-year old warlord yet his life is now somehow... banal bc he has no worthy match.

“If he really want Agatha so badly, and since Zoe doesn’t come after him (she has other things in mind, understandably), why does he not? To see if his little ply worked? If his dear Agatha is back? The only time Renfield talks about Zoe, Dracula doesn’t seem remotely interested.”

I think he is interested (his suggestion to use bats as surveillance cracks me up every time) and he is waiting. He keeps tabs on the Harker Foundation from a safe distance and, to me, looks rather crestfallen when Renfield tells him that his lady friend (aka Van Helsing aka his “Agatha incubator”) left and seems to have lost all interest in Dracula. I think he expected a different outcome. It’s speculation but I think he expected Zoe to drink his blood (bc it doesn’t come as a surprise later when he notices the changes in her) and expected it to have an effect sooner and time is running out since Zoe is dying. Zoe was supposed to act similarly to the bed of his own native soil (she is a “bed” of Agatha’s DNA) and regenerate Agatha even if it’s temporary. So he is both staying away (survival is still key) and wants her to come after him again -- a delicious contradiction he can’t untangle by himself.

Lack of (threatening) interest, however, is a clear sign that Agatha is not back. If she were, he def wouldn’t have to go and check. She would waste no time seeking him (and indeed she wants to go after him the second she manifests and, as Zoe remarks, Dracula isn’t surprised to find her at his doorstep -- another parallel to ep 1 where it’s Agatha who anticipated him coming for his bride). I think he was waiting for her return just like Agatha was waiting for his in ep 2 (another parallel). It’s Renfield‘s remarks that drive this point home for me as he has a front row seat to what Dracula is like during these 3 months: “I wonder what it is you actually want,” and “What are you doing with your time?” I think it’s no coincidence that both of these questions get answered only w/ Agatha’s return. Dracula basically idles in the meantime. And the fact that it takes Agatha 3 months to properly manifest, when Zoe is the weakest, is def a testament to Zoe’s strength of character. She is a Van Helsing, after all. And they vanquish the monster in the smartest, most elegant way: by making him feel something other than blinding hunger for the first time in centuries.

[mintseesaw]

Matched

Pairing: yoongi x reader Genre: FLUFF, idol au, boyfriend au, drabble Word count: 2k Warnings: none Summary: ⇀ When you tried to offer Yoongi a small present, the anticipated disinterest or rejection to your offer was downplayed by his unexpected proposition.

Sat comfortably and alone in the artists’ lounge, your attention has been occupied by your phone while your thumb restlessly drag its screen upward. You’ve been searching on the internet since you went on a break half an hour ago. Your desire to acquire an answer to your little dilemma is going downhill as you consider thinking literally instead of relying on your phone.

Too consumed with your own little crisis, three members of BTS approaching on your direction specifically to the sofa where you‘re sitting, slipped passed your attention.

While the three occupied the spaces beside, you were too deep in your own thoughts, struggling to come up with a concrete idea. And almost laughing out to yourself for almost typing up ‘Presents for a rich boyfriend’ in Google. Heaving a long sigh, you decided to seek in mind for an answer. You may sound like a spoiled, rich kid who can just buy whatever you desire for giving your boyfriend a present when it isn't even his birthday. You want to congratulate Yoongi for all the milestones BTS have received so far, especially that his wish of attending the Grammy awards became real. However, you want to make it a little more special with the accompaniment of a present? That doesn't sound too much, right? You tried to convince yourself.

What else should you give to someone who already has everything? The thought that you struggle to have an answer with.

You gave him an expensive watch once which he can, as a matter of act, buy on his own money if you didn’t so it goes out of the list. A pair of shoes is not even an option. He owned a whole closet filled with them. What about clothes? Actually, he needs another empty closet to fill it with the remaining clothes he has placed outside his closet. Maybe...car-- hold on, that's too much. You would pathetically look like you’re his sugar mommy even though he’s older than you. You pondered further. What about another set of rings or earrings? You swear to God he keeps collecting accessories. It even got to the point where you’re afraid to admit he’s got more of them than the amount you actually have.

Suddenly, you felt something soft came in contact against your forehead making you jumped a little off your seat. The self-deliberation you're silently having was halted when you saw who your intruder is. Yoongi. It was only then that you noticed you have company in the room. Jungkook was sprawled at the opposite end of the sofa next to Yoongi. Jimin is sitting on the floor, his head resting on Jungkook’s knees.

"Hey," you greeted, scooting your body closer to his.

“You seemed pretty occupied.” He said with his lips pushed forward like he's pouting but that isn't the case. It's just the way he talks. Are they on a break as well? They were practicing for their concert, he texted you that earlier in the morning. So they must have been gone from the practice room. Nevertheless, their physical state would give away what they did prior to coming in the cozy room.

“Not really. Uh--Babe, can I ask you something?”

“Aren’t you asking already?” He retorted.

A sound of protest came out of you, “Yoongi--”, and he was quick to divert the subject before you even had the chance to scold him for his sarcastic reply.

“What is it?”

The demand on his question suddenly making your cheeks heat up even before you worded out your inquiry. The faint but noticeable crimson tinting your pale cheeks earn a curious look from Yoongi wondering what would your question be to make you blush. “Maybe...uhm--do you mind if I buy you a bracelet?”

From the questions he had quickly formulated on his mind in mere assumption, this was not one of them. Bracelet? “What for?” His eyebrows met in deep curiosity. Lips pursed as he continued to stare at you, who’s in fact falling in a slight embarrassment.

Shrugging your shoulders, your gaze shifting from his peering eyes to your phone mindlessly scrolling through the search results, then mumbles, “For a congratulatory gift?" You asked, more significantly to yourself than a form of reply to him.

If there’s one thing Yoongi admires the most from you, it’s your thoughtfulness. It was not only because you buy him stuff he never asked to you to, or order him takeout when he’s too busy to do it himself, or bring him his favorite iced coffee out of nowhere. It was the fact that you spoil him rotten which he never had the chance to experience by someone else until you came and conquer his world, defenselessly. Your simple gestures of affection towards him warms his heart out of overwhelming appreaction.

Unlike you, he was never one to show affection. It was the main reason why his first relationship failed back in high school.The same reason why he avoided any type of commitment during his trainee days as he wanted to focus on debuting first. When the two of you formally met, Yoongi believed it may not be the perfect time to have attraction towards you because he was still at the peak of his career. But it wasn’t a bad timing either. And when he had seen an opportunity to give his feelings a chance, he grabbed it. He pursued his feelings for you.

When he did, he’s had a hard time showing it to you. Fortunately for him, more than a year of being in a romantic relationship with you, he slowly learned. From you, of course. His greetings of kisses, side hugs, his hand resting on your waist or shoulders when you two sit together, or even entwining his fingers with yours for others to see proved that he’s soft all along. The facade he created for others to perceive of has dissolved in time with your affection for him.

Now that he’s learned enough, he does not back down even an impending fight if it means the good in you. Between you two, he mostly does the scolding because you’re too sweet to take care of everyone else but yourself that sometimes, it cost your health in the process. While he always scolds you like a parent does to his child, he makes sure you’re also spoiled rotten. Not only the expensive gifts he bought for you could attest to that, or the fact that he takes charge of purchasing new producing equipment for you, or the coffee he lets you consume because you love it despite you complaining to hyperacidity sometimes which he would always have a spare of antacid for remedial.

It was the fact that he lets you take away little or all his precious alone time from himself to make sure you're well taken care of. And the exclusive access to Genius lab only available for your convenience that not even the members have the privilege of. And most of all, it’s the fact that he doesnt let you do all the sweet things in this relationship.

As you asked permission to give him a little gift, an idea crossed his mind and he almost cringes while he contemplates of doing it. Letting it materialize based on his  own suggestion which he has never thought of doing.

“On one condition,”

Your head snapped back at him in question.

“What is it?”

“I’m going to get you one, too.” The moment you had comprehended what he said, your eyes widened, not expecting a negotiation coming from him. It was either no or yes, the answer you were anticipating from him.

“Why? You dont have to.”

“Well, forget about your idea then.”

“Yoongi!”

“What? You’re spoiling me rotten and you dont want me to return the favor?”

“I’m not telling you to return everything I do to.”

“Still no.”

“Why is it so hard to please you...” You sulked, leaning your back further in the sofa and increasing the distance between your bodies giving it as a silent cue that your unhappy with his proposition.

“I’m not. It’s you who doesn’t like accepting anything from me.”

The other pair who has been watching your interaction in amusement finally let a loud snicker making you snapped your head in their direction.

“Stop laughing. It’s not even funny.” Yoongi joined them, showing his teeth and his gums in the process, and allowing you to see his eyes shrinking from his cute little laugh.

You shifted your glare at him, but it in a matter of seconds, it was slowly turning into a sulky one.

Yoongi, whose laughter has died down, smirked at you, “If you consider it, we can even match, you know?” This time, still dazed with his adorable, and gummy showing laugh, you didnt quite understand what he meant.

“Match?” You echoed.

“Yes, like the couple thing?"

It took you a few seconds to mentally processed the words in your brain and made sense to you. When you did, your eyes widened not ever expecting the response you just got from him.

You’re not even sure if it was an embarrassment that you caught on his face right after he stated it and you didn’t bother teasing him about it because you were too consumed with shock. He’s never the cheesy person and never the one to initiate things like this.

“Really?!” A bubble of excitement slowly fills you up that is obvious through the tone of your voice.

“Yeah.” Shrugging his shoulders as he tried so hard to make it seemed like it’s not a big deal. Unlike you, who’s very transparent in showing your elated expression from his proposition.

-

“Can we just buy the same thing?” Yoongi asked, growing more irritated as he still couldn’t find a piece for you and considering that he needs to match it with yours. Have you even chosen one, yet? He needs to see your pick, first.

“No, these are for men. Choose one for me from the women's collections.” You instructed, while Yoongi lets you tap through his phone in his hand to get to the right page of a certain brand's online store.

“Fine.” Groaning out of impatience. He should have not given it up a thought if the objective was this hard to fulfill. To be quite honest, scrolling through the page, he realized that the pieces of jewelry he’s selecting from right now look all the same and it was frustrating him even more.

Yoongi has not even made up his mind when he heard you asked, your phone shoved closer to him so he could see.

“Which one do you like the most?” And here you are, not even 10 minutes after he disclosed his idea to you and you have already picked three bracelets. Showing your selections to him as you tried to seek his help in choosing the only you’ll buy for him.

“They’re all fine.” Are you even serious? He couldn’t even pinpoint the difference among the pieces.

“That’s not helpful at all.” Frowning as you were left unsatisfied with his answer.

“Baby, just choose one. It does not matter what you get for me. I’ll like it anyway because it came from you.”

You couldn't help but to smile. Mesmerized by the sincerity of his response. Leaning forward, your lips briefly touched his cheek, a sudden need to show your affection.

Despite his effort of indifference towards your sudden act, a shade of pink involuntarily painted his cheeks which earned another peck on his tinted cheek from you.

You proceeded on selecting the item that you think will suit Yoongi the best and as you pondered over while examining each bracelet, his eyes lingered on your phone as your thumb hovered over a specific bracelet. Few seconds later, you pressed the purchase button below the bracelet you have chosen for him.

You turned your attention to his phone. “Can I see what you got for me? We have to match, Yoongi.” You reminded him, as if he will forget. It’s his idea, after all.

“They look all the same...” he trailed. Yet, selected the one which resembles your option the most.

“No, they don’t,” as you examined his chosen item for you. “Oh that’s beautiful. It does look similar--oh Yoongi, that’s $11,000!”

The two younger members who are busy playing games with their phones, turned their heads towards your direction, unintentionally mimicking your expression. Shock.

Scoffing, they could’ve fooled you. The younger members are notorious when it comes to shopping, even more than Yoongi. They shouldn't be that surprise to hear you say a five digit price of a jewelry. For all you know, they own pretty much designer brands of articles of clothing from head-worn down to their socks.

“So? You chose a 10 grand one.”

You stared at him in question and back to your phone screen. Blinking a few times as if to make your eyes see much clearer than it should. It’s true. “Oh. I didn’t notice.”

Yoongi shrugged, like he was silently telling you he doesn’t care about spending so extravagantly to a single piece of item which in your case is a bit too much despite having the means to afford it. Well, in fact, he really doesn’t. His watches were more expensive than this bracelet.

“That was unintentional— “Did he choose that bracelet because it resembles the one you selected or is it because it’s more expensive than the bracelet you got for him? “Wait, are you competing with me?”

Turning his head away from you, avoiding your accusing eyes. He shrugged, “They’re matched, anyway.”

mintseesaw © 2019

(photo © CelestialYM9395)

[goodvibesatpeace]

Dealing with energy vampires

Energy.  It’s the very strength and vitality we require to live a dynamic, driven and determined life.  We all have it and we all need it, yet many of us find ourselves lifeless and lethargic by the end (and sometimes at the beginning), of the day.Life is precious and unpredictably short-lived.

It’s no wonder then, that many of us drag ourselves through each day miserable and melancholic with the thought that we could be living much better lives.Throughout the ages, high-energy has been associated with happy, vivacious people, and low-energy with depressed and apathetic people.

Unfortunately, psychosomatic medicine has shown a strong link between the mind and body, meaning that the less energy we possess, the more prone we’ll be to suffer from illnesses such as depression, anxiety and other mood disorders.

It’s true that the healthy and happy person is one filled with energy.  Without energy, how can we fulfill our dreams, pursue our goals and overcome our obstacles?  Without energy, how can we hope to truly achieve anything of meaning or significance in life?  It’s true that some people naturally possess more energy than others, but have you ever considered why?  Certainly, genetics play a role, but more importantly the environment around us does as well.

EVERYTHING IS ENERGY

If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.  ~ Nikola Tesla

At a sub-atomic level, all that exists in life is composed of vibrating atoms, or pure energy.  Even incorporeal things such as our thoughts, emotions, instincts and sexual drives can be said to be composed of energy.  So essentially, we live in an ocean of motion, and like in the ocean – or any environment on earth for that matter – there are both predators and prey.

ENERGY VAMPIRES

In life, there are just some people who tend to drain us of energy very quickly.  If you’re a Highly Sensitive Person, or an Empath, you will be very aware of who sucks your energy and when.

However, not all of us are as sensitive or in-tune with our bodies, and this can be difficult and confusing to deal with.  While some people argue that Energy Vampires are people who can’t sustain their own life force in a positive manner, others speculate that Energy Vampires are well-meaning and normal, yet naturally overbearing people.  The point of this article, however, is not to delve into the psychology of the Energy Vampire, but to identify and explore ways to strengthen and energize our lives in light of them.

There are two types of Energy Vampires:

Physical Energy Vampires

Some people are not able to continue on in this life without taking energy from those around them whether they know it or not.

They often have emotional or mental issues that drain them causing them to feed off of the energy of others.

An energetic part inside of this person attaches itself to you, and sets up the whole thing. This could be any person in your life a coworker, friend, family member, ETC.

Non-Physical Energy Vampires

These types of vampires often go undetected and enter our lives with ease. They are opportunists who will attach to energy siphons that another human is using.

They hit the hardest when you deal with something like trauma, injuries, addiction, and even extreme fear

HOW TO IDENTIFY THE ENERGY VAMPIRE

You will experience the following symptoms of being:

Overwhelmed

Stressed

Physically ill (e.g. headaches, body aches, etc.)

Mentally or physically exhausted

Irritable and/or anxious

You may notice that the Energy Vampire displays many of the following characteristics:

Big ego, e.g. loves to debate, argue and pick fights.

Aggressive or passive-aggressive tendencies.

Paranoia.

Resentment and anger issues.

Narcissism

Melodramatic behavior.

Whining and complaining.

Bitching and gossiping.

Insecurity, e.g. the constant need for reassurance and acceptance.

Manipulative behaviors, e.g. guilt tripping, emotional blackmail etc.

Jealousy.

Energy Vampires are, in most cases, takers rather than givers who gain free therapy sessions with their family, friends, lovers, colleagues and even children and strangers who are on the receiving end.

It’s also good to realize that Energy Vampires are not always necessarily human beings.  They can also be situations or even physical objects in your life.  Examples include:

The internet

The TV.

Other electronic devices (e.g. the radio, mobile phone, etc.)

Public situations (e.g. crowds, parties, train stations, shopping centers etc.)

Animals (e.g. neurotic pets)

The hardest thing about suffering at the hands of an Energy Vampire is when they are part of your family or friends circle.  How can we regain our vitality in such energy-sucking relationships?

Sure you may be the prey, but there’s no use in playing the role of the victim.  To better your life you need to do something.  Here are some suggestions:

1.  STOP MAKING PROLONGED EYE-CONTACT.

I’ve personally found that this is one of the biggest energy absorbers.  The more eye-contact you make, the more you engage with the other person and what they have to say.  Only occasional eye-contact is necessary in this instance.

2.  SET A TIME LIMIT.

Your time is precious as well, and it’s not necessary for you to sit around for 1 or 2 hours having your energy zapped and brain numbed.  According to your energy level, set a limit of 5, 10, 15, 20 minutes where you can give your focus to the person, and no more.

3.  LEARN NOT TO REACT.

This is very important.  The Energy Vampire feeds off the reactions of others, fueling them to continue on interacting with you.  It’s important for you to learn how to be neutral in your interactions with others, meaning that the display of overly positive or negative emotions should be monitored carefully.

4.  LEARN NOT TO ARGUE OR CONTRADICT.

Yes it’s tempting, but in the long run you can’t change other people unless they change themselves first – the more you resist them, the more they will resist (and drain) you.

5.  GO WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

Approaching the Energy Vampire with 1, 2 or 3 other people will help decrease the level of effort expended, and attention received.  For this to work you need to ensure that the additional people aren’t psychic leeches either.

6.  LISTEN MORE THAN TALK.

A lot of the time Energy Vampires simply want and need a listening ear.  The more you talk, the more energy you tend to lose (especially if you’re introverted).  Using words such as “why”, “when” and “how” will encourage the psychic sucker to do most of the talking, which in turn will help preserve your energy.

7.  TRY STICKING TO LIGHT-HEARTED TOPICS.

Your conversations don’t need to be depressive and oppressive.  Take control when necessary and change the topic of conversation to something more light and simple.

8.  VISUALIZE.

Many people claim that visualizing protective light/energy shields around them helps to deflect psychic fatigue, and maintain a neutral and calm state of mind.  Try it some time.

9.  AVOID WHEN POSSIBLE.

This is not always possible, but is a simple and straight-forward technique to assist in your self-preservation.  I don’t recommend this as a consistent resolution, as the less you come in contact with the Vampire/s the less opportunity you’ll have to develop, and put into practice, a useful and necessary life skill.

10.  CUT OFF CONTACT.

This is the last resort.  Sometimes for your own health and happiness, you need to make difficult decisions regarding who you choose to surround yourself with.  In the end, if you continue to suffer, the best option may be to simply cut ties and move on.

11.  MEDITATE

Sometimes meditation really can solve this issue. Give yourself some time to break away from the chaos and recenter yourself. It works wonders for keeping negative energy and stress away!

12. STOP TRYING TO FIT IN

When you shrink yourself to fit into a group you are allowing yourself to be walked on. You never need to be less than what you truly are for sake of being accepted.

13. STOP TALKING TO PEOPLE THAT TALK AT YOU INSTEAD OF TO YOU

People who leave you feeling drained after phone calls or in person visits should not be apart of your life.

14. STOP LETTING PEOPLE MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT LIVING UP TO THEIR EXPECTATIONS

JUST BE YOURSELF, YOU ARE ENOUGH!

15. STOP LETTING OTHER PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER YOU

Doing the things other people want you to, even when you don’t want to is not right. You should never let people manipulate you into doing things for the wrong reasons.

16. STOP HAVING MEANINGLESS SEX

You should be sleeping with someone who loves you as you do them, not someone who you know is using you. Meaningful sex is the best sex.

17. STOP STAYING IN TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE THEY ARE FAMILIAR

18. STOP STAYING IN ABUSIVE SITUATIONS

Remember that in all of this you could also be stealing someone’s energy to combat the loss of your own.

If you want to make sure you are not stealing the energy of others maintain a good sense of self-love and do not let your inner strength die off.

You are Worthy... You are Enough

Much love to all... go in peace my beautiful friends 💕💕💕

Protect your energy!

[flying-elliska]

Hello Ellie. You seem to have an understanding of LGBTQ+ and things and you always give good advice so I wanted to ask about some things that have been going around my mind about my own sexuality. I think I may be aromantic or asexual or inside the spectrum, but I still feel a little bit lost. Like of course sometimes I want a relationship and the idea of love is not repulsive, but when it comes to reality whenever I like someone a relationship seems like too much (1/2)

I feel like I’ve never fallen for someone, even though I’ve had relationships with very strong feelings I feel like I got into them just to not lose the other person and now because it’s what I wanted. Now I have been talking to this person who makes me feel things, but I really don’t want to start a relationship because it’s not the kind of thing I want. I don’t know it’s a mess. And I’ve had so much problems exploring my sexuality because it feels like I don’t want to do it at all (2/2)

Hey dear anon ! Thank you for coming to me with this, I feel honored by your trust. 💕

So as always I'll start w the disclaimer that you are the only one that can truly know your own orientation (and my own perspective is limited). That said, yes, this sounds a lot like you are on the ace-spectrum. Like for everyone, feelings are complicated ! So I think this confusion is pretty normal - I think a lot of people don't clearly fit into specific boxes and that's why I think seeing things as a spectrum is so important.

The most important thing is for you to lead an authentic life, one that makes you happy. When you write you pushed yourself into relationships you didn't want, that doesn't sound like it. We are, from birth, bludgeoned with the idea that sex and romance are key to a happy fulfilled life. (You might want to look up 'amatonormativity'). And that if you don't want those things there has to be something wrong with you (which is untrue). So it's not a wonder that some ace ppl still keep this idea that they want love, of course, but not like that and not now, keeping it as a safe horizon but always as distant as possible. So this could be a possibility for you.

Another option is that you are on the spectrum and while there is a possibility for you to feel attraction/want romance etc the conditions for that to happen are much more specific and restricted than for other people. And that you will know when you get there, which might happen and also might not.

And finally there are other things that might make you less open to attraction/wanting a relationship. Maybe it's something mental health related ; maybe you are not at a point in your life where you are ready for a relationship ; maybe you don't like the mainstream model for relationships; etc. Maybe a combination of all those things.

Whatever the case may be, I think it's important to say that your agency, sense of self, and desires (or lack of them), are the most important thing here, before any labelling. Please don't push yourself into things you don't really want. You truly don't need a romantic and/or sexual relationship to be happy. What's more I really believe in the importance of platonic connections - friendships can be just as intense and life changing and nurturing and one thing I love are the stories of ace ppl making their own types of families w their friends (because I love anything that goes beyond the typical hetero 2.5 children nuclear family model imperative, which can be so harmful).

So I would say - maybe try to do some imagining. If you lived in an ideal world, what relationships would you want to cultivate ? What would the specific geometry of them be - how would they involve things like affection, touch, commitment, intimacy, sex, romance, exclusivity, care, raising children, sharing responsibilities, mutual inspiration, etc - or not ? Beyond that, maybe try to talk honestly abt this w people who are close to you and that you might have feelings for. You might not always get the reaction you want, people are woefully undereducated abt these issues, but I think getting some practice in discussing boundaries might do you good. After that, you might try on a label and find it evolves over time, or not. That's totally fine. But another thing - you don't need to have sex to explore yr sexuality. This can be very much a thing that you figure out w yourself. And if you don't even want to think about it, then I think it's a sign too.

In the end I think a lot of people go along w this mainstream relationship model bc it's the norm but questioning the content more could benefit a lot of people so they don't push themselves into doing things they don't want out of obligation.

I haven't discussed this much here but I also identify as on the ace-spectrum, maybe grey-ace and/or demi, because I do tend to feel attraction but not very often and I generally do need an emotional connection. What's more I haven't had a relationship in quite some time and this has been a choice because I wanted to figure out my issues first. Because of MI related stuff I have a difficult time w boundaries and I needed to grow on my own first. When I get to it in the future (if I ever do) I know that I want a relationship where intellectual/creative/emotional exchange plays a big role ; and I know that I also want my friendships to play a big role in my life. I don't want to place the romantic relationship at the center of my life.

I think one thing you can do, instead of thinking about it negatively (what you don't want) is this ; what do you want to center yr life around ? What makes you passionate ? What is important to you ? what relationships do you want to nurture ? What do you invest your life energies into ? What gives you pleasure ? What do you want to spend yr limited time on this planet focusing on ? I think starting with this will allow you to question things from a place of fullness instead of fear of missing something.

Most of all : give yourself time. You might be asexual or aromantic or both or demi or grey-ace ; you might choose a label and find it makes you happy now and won't fit later ; it's all okay. You can try things and make mistakes and change your mind, it's all okay. You can not want things now, and want them later, or never at all. There is nothing wrong with you. Try to be honest with yourself and the people around you about what you want. Do some research into alternative relationship models. Try to get a better sense of your own boundaries. And focus on what makes you happy in life. <3 The really important people will stay for the true you, anyway.

And feel free to come talk to me abt this anytime ! I wish you a safe journey in all this, pls take care 💕

[thehappymessproject]

88/100 - On love, passion and lust

I love making puzzles, I always had. The understanding of relationships (of all kinds) has been a big reason for me to want to study psychology. And although I have never found an author or expert explaining comprehensively how they work, I certainly put together a big puzzle over the years on how we interact with each other, made up from the work of a few of those experts together. 

I won’t try to pretend I’ve figured them all out : relationships are complicated, no matter where you stand and look at them. But my puzzle has certainly changed my life completely, and changed quite a few lives in the process of making and using it in my work. 

It’s easier to start off with Helen Fisher’s work. She discovered that the human brain operates under three different systems when it comes to love : sex, romantic love and attachment. 

Our sex drive is about scratching an itch, and could be about anyone. Our romantic drive is more focused on one person that we deem as very special. This is the system that brings up all the obsessive thinking, the “I’d die for them”, possessiveness, loss of a sense of self, the craving of the other... Our attachment is about security and trust. It is a more quiet, fulfilling feeling of love for someone we know as they are and deeply appreciate, and vice-versa.

It is important to get here that romantic love is an addiction, because it’s generally the one that gets us into trouble, as introduced in my essay on why we fall for people that we are miserable with. It activates the same parts of the brain that lights up when we use cocaine, that’s how powerful it is. 

Now, I have explained in that earlier essay how depending on our past, we can tend to have those deep craving feelings with people poorly fitting with us. 

Susan Anderson, in her incredible work on abandonment has one advice about this addiction to abandonment (how we get crazy over people who let us down) : focusing on the people we like, who don’t get us in that crazy state of infatuation, and give them our presence and attention, while accepting but not following the voice in our head aching for something more exciting. 

When we hit that point in therapy, the most usual question coming up is basically : “Do I really have to give up the fireworks and settle for the pale glowing candle?”

My answer to this would be a lukewarm yes and no. 

Romantic love and deep attachment are quite different. For someone used to romantic attachement only (all of us who didn’t have a secure attachment to their parents), I know how exciting and deep romantic attachment feels. I know how anything in comparison feels quite dull. I’ve experienced it and heard it over and over in my office.

But let’s sit with those feelings for a while : this is also exhausting, and absolutely not sustainable by itself. If we get really crazy over someone, it is very hard to look at the relationship with perspective. But passion implies passionate consuming feelings that there is never enough of the other, we always need more. 

We don’t sleep well, we don’t work with focus, we barely think about anything else. We aren’t sure if the other really like us or not, our stomach is making that roller coaster thing. We’re almost manic when it’s going well, and deeply depressed when it’s not. Can you see the theme of “too much” coming up here? 

Passion on the long term is basically like eating more and more of your favourite meal everyday until we can’t even look or think about it. I can guarantee you : it won’t stay your favourite meal that long if you do. 

BUT, when we pretend that passion is totally over-rated and “settle” for someone who feels easy and safe, well... Have you ever finished a very long book or movie just to finish it even if you didn’t connect to it, hoping desperately that it will get better? It’s a lot of work for very little reward... So let’s dig up more.

The Gottmans are a wonderful couple working on love and relationships. Their work on trust is a big part of my puzzle too. In their referential, attachment is by far the most important component of a longterm successful relationship. 

They discovered (through their many many studies over the past decades) that any relationship that wants to last needs to be based on an authentic and deep friendship. This is THE main ingredient.

However, these successful relationships also need a “Fire and romance” department. The big fireworks are too much and exhausting to handle on the long run. But settling for someone who is basically a friend we don’t find repulsive is not the answer either. Humans are wired for balance.

What we can do is looking for someone we actually fall for, makes our heart pound and our hands sweaty in those delicious early hours of love while not taking it too far. There is a need for actual chemistry here. 

But the biggest thing about them must be that they are actual friendship material, that if we didn’t feel that physical attraction, we would actually enjoy their company a lot in a non sexual way. We also need to be able to tolerate their biggest flaws, so look for them. Lasting love is not only built what we love about people. 

While we do that, we should be very wary of the people really driving us to that crazy state, remembering that anyone stretching our limits so far can’t be good for us. Completely losing ourselves in a relationship in never good, for anyone. Those should be avoided for our mental health sake. 

And finally : romance and trust are both something that we cultivate too, not only something we feel. We’ll talk soon about how to make our relationships more enjoyable and romantic in more details. 

Feeling deeply and safely attached to someone is a wonderful human experience, one of the most important ones even. We shouldn’t diminish its importance just because it is not that exciting puppy love, especially if we never experienced it. 

Secure love is not a weakly glowing candle : safe love is more like a steady bonfire. Once we experienced it, most of us find the fireworks mostly exhausting, and see it for the scam that it is : very high risks, very little rewards in the end. 

If we are seriously working on our ability to love in that deep wonderful way, we have nothing to fear : it will be way more than enough to keep us interested, especially since it will definitely involve some passion. 

Speak soon,  Love, L. 

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

An Interpretation of an Arc

A/N: I am very firm in “while we should be critical of media, sometimes also we should just have fun,” and I do not write this to challenge the common rhetoric I see about a certain someone in Dragon Age. Rather instead, I write this to offer an alternative viewpoint and how I have come to see a certain arc in D/ragon A/ge. I am not going to touch every little thing, but I will give a broad overview. anyway....

Ask me what comes to mind when I think of C/ullen and my mind may drift to the relationship I envision he has with my Inquisitor. I may also think of the wonderful fan art on here, or I may think about how much of a comfort his romance was back in 2016 when I was going through a very rough patch in college. I was so focused in asserting myself in my field that D/ragon A/ge, and by extension, C/ullen’s romance was something I could dive and indulge in, in a sense be my true romantic self. And while perhaps I started writing my longfic originally with an intellectual pursuit, (Can this relationship between a Circle Mage and former templar work?) The bigger truth was that I wanted to be swept away in a grand, emotional romance. In doing so I filled in gaps in canon and better got into C/ullen’s head space, and did some things that perhaps I wanted to see in canon, like an actual confrontation of his past. I wanted him to redeem himself better in my story than what was available in the base game. However, more than a year has passed, and my feelings on his “redemption arc,” have drastically changed. What I thought back then was that the game kind of touched on his redemption arc, but could have done it better. My thoughts now, however, are actually simpler: C/ullen has a recovery arc rather than a redemption arc, and this “essay,” will explain how it functions and why it hits with me more than a flat out redemption arc would have.

For a background, it’s important to mention what C/ullen did in canon that makes him “need” a redemption arc. he said problematic things, but his greatest sin was inaction. (Samson mentions he never played rough with mages if you talk to him in his cell at Skyhold.) We can talk about the evils of inaction all day long and i would probably agree with you, but there is also the added layer of Cullen being a trauma survivor. He had only a quick reprieve from the horrors of Kinloch before he was sent to Meredith, and the woman essentially took advantage of his trauma to fulfill her own ends. I have spoken about Cullen’s trauma before, but that’s not really the focus here. His inaction however, is what is important to bring up, and this will frame the rest of the piece:

So what is redemption anyway?

The dictionary defines redemption as “the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil,” If we go by this definition however, things get dicey. What exactly is needed to be saved? And what does “saved” even mean in our modern, much more secular world? I really dislike this definition when we apply it to redemption arcs, because it implies that there is an endgame in redemption. You screw up, you realize it, (”What have I done?!”)  you do something to make up for it...poof. Done. But I don’t think it’s that simple. Rather instead, redemption does not, and should never, have an endgame. Redemption is always something to work toward. B/lackwall’s arc in Inquisition exemplifies this. (And I will attest he has a better redemption arc than C/ullen.) He knows what he did was wrong, is willing to die for his act, but when the Quiz exonerates him, he strives toward a better future. 

However, T/hom R/ainier ran from his identity and what he did, he did under the guise of B/lackwall, and acted as the man the real B/lackwall thought he was. it was a mask. It is implied he’s only confronting his past just then when he’s in the cell with the Quiz, and that is why emotions are very high in that scene. After his exoneration he continues to help others, even during Tresspasser. He works towards no endgame, he simply knows he must consistently be a better person and not become the man he once was. 

But let’s talk about C/ullen. By the time Inquisition starts, a period of about four years has passed since the battle of Kirkwall. We know from supplemental information he helped rebuild the city. this was how C/assandra spotted him. She recognized his good works and offered him the position of Commander. While the game should do a better job in explaining what exactly he did and how he processed his inaction, if C/ullen helped rebuild, then he did not run from his past. He had to face it head on when he stayed in the city and helped rebuild. There’s arguments to be made that perhaps the Inquisitor should call him out on what he did...or others as well... and sure I might agree, (there’s a scene in my fic where this happens.) but at the end of the day, C/ullen is important to the game, but not really a focus character, and his arc goes elswhere. It’s an unfortunate oversight, but it’s not as though the Inquisitor can’t ever call him out at all. During Perseverance, this is something the Quiz can say: 

Quiz: The man you were. You can’t pretend he never existed. 

Cullen: Not even if I wanted to. But I am here now. I can make that mean something. 

Alternatively, quiz can say that C/ullen can put the past behind him. He says to that: “I can’t forget what happened., but it led me here. I can make that mean something.” So while yes, I think B/lackwall has a better redemption arc overall, simply because we actually see the full arc, there are a couple things in regards to C/ullen. One: because Inquisition begins a good time after K/irkwall, we don’t see C/ullen’s “oh my god, what have I done moment,” and sometimes fandom assumes he didn’t have one. (which dialogue above indicates to me he did.) Two: He still says some kind of problematic things, but is it realistic for him to do a one eighty...even after so long a time has passed and mental health programs don’t exist in Thedas? In my opinion it’s realistic, and to be honest I get his grievances with going after the rebel mages, because it’s not so much that they’re mages, but that they don’t know the status of the mage rebellion, and then when they find out, they find out they’ve aligned with a dangerous foreign power. (this though is a whole other spiel.) Three: he’s not a focus character. Sure this is probably a really shitty lack of foresight on the developer’s parts, but let me point out that V/arric, the only other person besides H/awke who would probably have some issues with C/ullen...doesn’t at all. In fact they seem pretty friendly during Wicked Grace. Four though, and most important, C/ullen has no clear endgame. Even moreso than J/osie or L/eliana, C/ullen pours himself into his work. It’s even joked that he needs a hobby. He acts, when before, his sin was inaction. In a way, this is a form of redemption: acting now when he didn’t before. 

But hey! You said in the beginning that this was a recovery arc! What gives?

While I argue that the overall “theme” of C/ullen’s story is recovery, I would also attest that recovery in itself is a form of redemption, and this all depends on whether or not you as the Inquisitor keep him on lyrium or not. Your choices depending, C/ullen recovers or he spirals and ends up a lot worse. So let’s dive into this now, shall we?

The Blue Vial and it’s Symbolism. 

We learn early on that C/ullen did something very very dangerous and unprecedented months before the Inquisition formally began: quit lyrium. he did something too that could very well kill him. Putting him back on it nets this dialogue: 

I thought if I removed the part that kept me chained I would find my own purpose again.

C/ullen wanted to be a templar to protect people, something he says. Hell, C/ole even says C/ullen is a “good” one, when asking about the templars because he wants to protect. After the Blight he “served out of fear,” and he was “compelled,” as he said, but as mentioned previously he didn’t receive proper help before he was sent to the queen of insanity. However, he ultimately came to the realization that M/eredith did not represent what the order was supposed to stand for. Too little too late? If you believe that I will not argue with you, but the point is, he came to a realization by himself that many would not have. And to seal the deal, he removes himself from the lyrium, removes the chains to “find my own purpose again.” He stopped the lyrium to remember that when he was a boy, it wasn’t about fear. It was protection. Stopping the lyrium is breaking the last hold the order and his past has over him, and his way of going back to protecting people. it is his recovery. Finding a path again, after treading the wrong one. Putting him back on lyrium is forcing him back into his old viewpoints,not allowing him to fully break the chain. If you do this, he does not recover. The chantry scene exemplifies this: either he’s more hopeful, saying a prayer and having a moment of reflection, or he remains bound to the order. Keeping C/ullen off of lyrium allows him to find a life after. 

There’s a poem Tennyson wrote called “Ulysses.” It’s a dramatic monologue delivered by Odyssues (or Ulysses as Tennyson uses his Roman name) sometime after the Odyssey where the man delivers this long epic speech about how bored he is after the Trojan War and his grand adventure, and wants to go out exploring again. to be honest the poem depresses me, because it’s the narrative I see often, even in my own family. It’s the narrative of the soldier who could not adjust to civilian life after the fighting was done. But C/ullen? romanced or not, he does find a life after. he succeeds, and that to me is very hopeful. perhaps it’s not outright said, but the ending slides, romanced or not, certainly indicate he found a life after the fighting. he recovered, and as the slides say he continues to help people and do good work. He continues to work toward a redemption. this is his arc. It is nuanced, symbolic, and while I have some issues, I think it is not only realistic, but effective, and hopeful. He is like many of us, many of us who did wrong. He doesn’t wallow in the past but he doesn’t forget, and he looks forward. that, to me, is very, very important.

Conclusion and Disclaimer 

I’m not going to pretend like I don’t understand why people have grievances with his arc, but I want to stress that this is my interpretation. I kind of didn’t want to publish this but I spent a huge chunk of time writing, so what the hell. All I ask is please, please, pleeeaaasssssssseeeeee do not be rude or vitriolic. I have thought this for a long time, and I finally wished to share. Now I need a nap.

[finnicks]

i can't put this shit anywhere bc twitter has a character limit and i've p much just left the social media platform i'd post this on anyway.

i usually use tumblr for fun shit and understand other people do, too. this is for myself bc sometimes you have to dump thoughts somewhere, and i don't want to handwrite this bc my handwriting is horrible atm.

navel-gazing personal shit.

i feel like being a navel-gazer rn bc who reads personal tumblr posts? i figured i'd share this here bc i've been reblogging a lot of self-care and positive self-talk quotes for a while now and doing my usual rambling spiel in the tags where i've also offered bits and pieces of where my own headspace is and referenced my own mental health journey. i do hope those posts and even me screeching in the tags helps someone on their journey.

anyway.

for the last two months, i have been putting my mental health front and centre. thanks to a good friend, i realised that no one will ever put my mental health first and the only way that i would ever feel better about myself and break out of this vindictive and awful cycle i found myself in (and have been in for years) was to take the bull by the horns and guide it myself.

so i have been. and it's been fucking great.

it's been hard. it was hard when i first started bc i was wondering if i was doing the right thing or if i was even doing it right. (yes, it is the right thing, and yes, i was doing it right bc i was doing it for myself.) it's been lonely, too, for many reasons, some including the worry of how friends will perceive me and judge me, and also the fact that not everyone i know is even on board the "let's get better and do it ourselves" express yet. if i don't feel a connection with someone about the topic at hand, i don't talk to them about it. it's reasonable; talking about this is opening up a vulnerable part of myself. so, i kept it to myself a lot.

i recognised a social media platform that really let me flog myself. i recognised that it encouraged me to compare myself to others and that i was constantly seeking out shit that hurt my feelings. it sounds nuts but i sought this shit out for the sole purpose of opening up a negative dialogue with myself where i was derisive to myself. ever since being off of it, i have felt really great about myself. that's important to me. not being on there is important to me; if someone can't accept that, that's actually not my problem.

over the last two months, the way i talk to myself has changed drastically. i would like to think that if any of my friends knew how i spoke to myself that they would be saddened and devastated by it bc it's cruel and unkind. how i spoke to myself fed my negative self-narrative and i believed that negative self-narrative was the reality and the truth. it's not.

i know it sounds kind of trite to say "be kind to yourself!" but, seriously, be kind to yourself. pull yourself up when you think horribly about yourself. be your own best friend. it sounds stupid and super cheesy, but it really does work. no one will cape harder for you than you. when i started having a negative thought, i'd say "stop", force myself to reframe, and try and not dwell on it. easier said than done, i know, but it's possible if you really persist.

i changed a lot of my inner dialogue and told my inner voice to go take a hike bc i deserved a lot better. it's gotten to the point where i feel a lot more confident in myself. i still have my insecure moments (of course, we're all people, and this is just the beginning of my journey, too), but these days, i'm able to identify if it's being brought on by me being tired or if it's bc i'm being overly emotional and personalising a situation that doesn't even reflect who i am. i'm kind to myself in these moments (it's important to be).

i'm negl... since doing this, i feel clearer. i feel like i can see shit now. i can see my bad behaviours and toxic habits, and i can see i have power over them. i also feel like bc i've cleared out some space, positive space and energy has come my way, too.

i used to have serious fomo when it came to things and friends. i think it makes sense to not want to miss out on your friends. i didn't want my friends to lose their interest in me and so i felt the need to remain "relevant" to them and i did things that i didn't want to do and took on things i never had any interest in. if you have to be consistently present and in someone's face in order to remain "relevant" (i.e. constantly at the forefront of their mind and someone they talk to), then they're not really worth your time. i did this a lot with a hobby i'm in. ever since i stopped doing that (it's hard to break a habit like this), i felt a lot more fulfilled and less resentful. people will talk to you bc they want to. your friends will remember you and think of you and speak to you and all that shit if they are good people and good friends. i didn't trust people. i am now starting to trust them. (some people do make stupid ass decisions and that also does affect my trust, but, you know, i'm actually open to trusting people to show that they care for me. the whole stupid ass decisions is another thing entirely.)

no one will ever change how you feel about yourself. someone can compliment you, but if someone says you're great, your inner dialogue can rip that apart and call it insincerity if you have a poor relationship with your inner voice. i know; i used to do this all the time and then wondered why i felt like people complimenting me was insincere. (i no longer feel this way. instead, i'm working on stopping my inner dialogue from saying "you don't deserve this" to "i deserve this and i am grateful X complimented me".) i do appreciate the people who are happy for me and celebrate my wins. i am grateful for them. i wasn't grateful for a long ass time bc i could never allow myself to celebrate my wins before. (btw, friends who do not celebrate you are not friends.)

i started complimenting myself. i picked up a gratitude journal again and i write down a minimum of five things i'm grateful/proud of from the day that's been. i do this every night, no matter what. i do it on good days and i do it on bad days. it's important to identify the good. i now look back on my journal and i see all the things that made me happy. sometimes it's as simple as "i'm grateful for my cats" and it can be as detailed as "i'm proud of myself for writing 1,000 words of X fic and posting it." i also make sure to include one person i'm grateful for, especially in the form of an interaction, bc i feel like it's important for myself to remember that, when i feel lonely, i'm actually not lonely at all.

a good friend shared with me that people often make decisions without me i mind. it's not meant to be cruel; it's just a fact. and since acknowledging and accepting this, i've felt a lot better. less vindictive, less hurt. i won't lie, i used to make decisions with people in mind and then grew resentful of them bc i made those decisions, usually out of some desire to "keep" them. the thing is, no one can be "kept". people choose to stay. the moment i began making decisions for myself, i felt better.

i still have a long way to go. i feel like since i started this journey, i've begun to correct really bad behaviours and thinking patterns. by doing that, i've uncovered other ones. people are like onions, and i've begun to unwrap all those gross layers that make my eyeballs water. what drove my insecurities and negative behaviour patterns isn't going to be solved in two months, but in those two months, i've made some great progress. i think that deserves to be celebrated.

the things i feel like i need to work on and feel like sharing include:

accepting compliments; yes, they are for me, and i should be proud of the work that gained that compliment.

accepting that people like me for me.

accepting that people want to be there for me even if i feel like i don't need anyone.

complimenting myself further.

removing myself from situations. this sounds very weird but by removing the "i" from someone's choice has given me so much freedom.

continuing to do what i want to do when i want to do it.

being kind to myself. i am a busy person (my work is a lot) and i need to start angling my self-love to be understanding of that.

stop comparing myself to others. i'm me; i'm great.

appreciating the fact that i am me, and there are some great things about me that are worth celebrating that i won't list here.

accept that i am good enough for me. full stop. (if i'm good enough for someone else, cool.)

sometimes i worry that by me putting myself first in this way and changing the dialogue i have with myself will lose me some friends. maybe it will. some people feel comfortable with who i was before i started this. i have always believed that some people are meant to be in your life for a pitstop or for some part of the ride, and some people are meant to be there with you until you reach your final destination and join you on your next journey. people who can't accept and even celebrate me for who i am and trying to become are not people i want in my life.

understanding (and celebrating) that i'm me and not someone else has been important and great. i used to try and make myself be like someone else, but i'm not. i'm not the person next to me and i'm not my friends. i realised that being me is good enough (it's starting to be). after all, no one is me.

i am enough.

[thesimplyluxuriouslife]

303: 33 Ways to Live Your Fullest Life, as taught by Norma Kamali

"Living your purpose will make it possible to do all the things you need to do to reach the goals you need to reach in order to fulfill your dreams, which are as big as the world and as optimistic as your mind can imagine." —Norma Kamali, author of I Am Invincible

Change is inevitable, in the world, our bodies and our lives. How we navigate life's endless changes determines the quality of our lives, especially during our everydays and how we experience each 24-hours, but from the longview of life, it will determine the legacy we create, the connections and relationships we make and build and how or if we contribute positively to a better world tomorrow.

Fashion designer Norma Kamali's new book, part memoir, part lifestyle/self-esteem builder I Am Invincible is aptly described by Cynthia Rowley as "personal power with a side of popcorn".

Upon the book's arrival, I read it in one day. Highlighting constantly, stopping and rereading, taking closer notes so as not to forget and apply immediately her wisdom to my life, I couldn't wait to share with podcast listeners and blog readers (where does the 'side of popcorn come in you may be wondering? she shares a simple, yet delicious recipe for homemade popcorn - I tried it the next day - yep, loved it).

What good fortune we all have to live now with so much to learn, apply, explore and tickle our curiosity, and with such good fortune, we can easily become overwhelmed. However, Kamali reminds and models in her own life of more than 70 years that this good fortune need not betwixt us but rather spark excitement within us to figure out how to make it work for each and every one of us so we can live with purpose.

The book transpired out of a gift she gave to a friend who was celebrating her 50th birthday. She gave as a Moleskine journal filled with 50 Tips on Turning 50! and the reaction led to asking her to make her book available, and now we have quite the book of inspiration and lessons applied and learned.

As someone who chose herself when she founded her own business in her early 20s after ending a marriage and the business she and her then husband began together and continues to hold the reins and someone who found whom she describes as her soulmate at 65, Kamali is a living example of intentionally building one's self-esteem, recognizing and celebrating your authentic self and living with purpose in your business and personal life.

Her book begins with the driving question: If you can control the quality of your life, why not do it? And while she definitely had me at Why Not . . . ? I couldn't agree more that indeed we should invest and apply in all the areas we can to elevate the quality of our lives.

Today's episode/post shares 33 of which there are many more lessons discovered as I read her book. I hope you enjoy.

~be sure to tune in and listen to the audio version of today's episode for further discussion on each of the points shared below.

LIFE & MIND

1.Be brave

"Be willing to surrend who you are for what you can become. Change is very hard for many people, but change is inevitable in all of our lives. It is oftentimes what propels us forward. If you initiate change, you will have proactive management over it."

The courage to be brave is not for the faint of heart. The moment of transition lasts more than a moment, and during this time of transition from where you were to where you are going with your choice is full of emotions challenging your decision, then buoying your excitement, then challenging your decision again. The only way to overcome the doubt is to continue to strive forward as such feelings are only the mind's lizard brain wanting you to continue what it knows not necessarily because it is best for you.

~read this post - How to Be Brave: Follow Your 'This' to Live the Life You Have Dreamt About

2. Understand your hormonal levels

"Throughout puberty, pregnancy, post-pregnancy, perimenopause, and menopause, women ride a hormonal roller coaster. Diet and exercise are the first lines of defense for balancing hormones."

On a practical level, since I mentioned emotions in #1, not only do we need to strengthen our emotional intelligence (EQ), but as women, we need to understand the hormonal changes each of us will go through at some time. Kamali recommends speaking to your wellness doctor or an expert in the medical field to best understand how to navigate and understand what your body is moving through.

3. Learn to love yourself first, so you can love others well

"Positive self-esteem based on how we feel about our mind, body and soul is needed for self-love. If we haven't done work in the self-love area, there is a chance we are not as discriminating as we need to be, especially in relationships."

Kamali's own life exemplifies the need to walk away for our own well-being,"Walking away begins with a belief system you have in your head about your own value." And it is in the self-love, we become clear about how to love others well and know what love actually looks like.

4. Professional teeth cleanings - multiple times a year

Back to the practical. Of course, brushing our teeth daily, multiple times a day is a must along with flossing, etc., but our smiles are powerful. They not only enhance our beauty, they boost our own confidence and endorphin levels when we smile, and a healthy smile can be maintained for an extraordinary long time if only we take preventative measures regularly throughout our entire lives. Two times a year tends to be the recommendation by dentists, but opt for more if you can and let your smile shine.

5. Embrace a meditation practice

A meditation practice need not be elaborate. It can be as simple and momentary as intentional time slipping away to the restroom while at work for 5 to 10 minutes to breathe deeply and settle ourselves, but yes (I know I have recommended this practice many times here on the blog), meditation is a worthwhile practice for so many lifelong health benefits - the mind most especially.

6. Be proactive to navigate well through fear/anxiety/worry

When it comes to eliminating or handling well unwanted worry, undesirable situations, Kamali advises developing routines to engage in everyday whenever worry, fear or anxiety arises. For example, she shares how meditation breaks when taken "temper anything stressful that might throw off [her] routine".

7. Embrace regular, rigorous exercise to improve sleep

"In addition to helping naturally reduce stress and anxiety levels, regular exercise has been shown to boost the amount of time the body spends in deep sleep. This is the most physically rejuvenating phase, important for memory and cognitive function. When energy is restored, cells regenerate, and the immune system is strengthened."

Upon reflection on any night in which I woke up prematurely and was not woken up, it followed a day I did not exercise. On days I do not exercise due to exhaustion - mental and emotional fatigue, I actually cause more stress because my sleep is not deep and sometimes interrupted of my own accord. All of these ahas I have seen and learned in my own life reiterate the vital importance of making time in my day for an exercise routine.

8. Make your bedroom a sacred space in your sanctuary

Currently, as many readers know, I am nearing the end of a much anticipated bedroom restyling and when it is complete I look forward to sharing with you my decisions for the space and how they help me create a sacred space. Each of us will make unique choices for the decor, the sheets, the ambiance which work best for us, but one thing Kamali reiterates is to leave the bedroom for sleeping, resting and connecting intimately with your partner only. In other words, leave the technology outside of the bedroom.

~10 Décor Tips for Creating a Private Sanctuary for Rest & Repose: TSLL's Restyling Process (mid-way through) of the Primary Bedroom (for TOP Tier exclusively)

~Why Not . . . Create a Sanctuary for your Senses?

~14 Ways to Create a Happy Home, episode #278

FOOD

9. Make what you eat a lifestyle choice

"What you eat should be a lifestyle choice, not a fad diet, just like your workouts should be part of your daily routine, and not sporadic."

TSLL lives by the principle of eating well and with the seasons. The food we eat need not be fancy and it absolutely doesn't need to lack flavor as it is the flavor which will satiate us, telling our bodies we are full and satisfied. However, learning how to cook and eat this way is a skill we are taught as children or need to teach ourselves as adults. It is well worth it and once we understand the fundamentals, easy than might be expected.

"The simple secret I've learned is that if we eat quality food we will feel fulfilled and less controlled by our cravings. The amount of food we need is much less than you might imagine."

~Enjoy Stepping into Your Kitchen with 6 Simple (and effortless) flavor tips

~explore TSLL's cooking show - The Simply Luxurious Kitchen - to begin to enjoy stepping into your kitchen

10. No more sugar

"[Sugar] doesn't do your complexion any favors, either. A doctor once described sugar's oxidizing effect on cells to me as akin to 'rust'. The rust starts to decay and age the cell. This accelerated cellular aging also harms the building blocks of collagen and elastin, causing skin to sag prematurely."

The natural sugars found in fruits and some vegetables - keep on devouring them! However, by becoming aware of how sugar infilrates our diet without either realizing it or recognizing how much we are actually consuming, we do our health and our skin no favors.

11. Add ginger and/or lemon to your hot water to debloat

Water, water, water all the time, water. Adding fresh lemon juice also is a healthy choice, one many of us know about, but did you know about adding ginger? (I have a feeling many of you did and I am late to this health tip :), but I want to share with you all.) Ginger is a carminative along with many other herbs, and carminatives help to soothe the digestive tract and relieve gas, cramps and bloating.

12. Stock your épicerie with foods to care for your inner and outer health.

In episode #109 and in even more detail in chapter 12 of TSLL's second book Living The Simply Luxurious Life, I share a list of 34 essential items to have in your Épicerie (grocery or pantry).

TSLL's 2nd Book (learn more here)

STYLE

"Style survives fashion and personal style is developed with time."

13. Courageously get to know yourself and your personal style will reveal itself

"The more you know who you are as you move through your life, the more you develop your personal style."

As I step forward into a new chapter in my own life (more to come on that this summer), I am excited to further fine-tune my personal style. My goal is so that "Every piece of clothing", when you have cultivated your own personal style, "will have a purpose in your wardrobe." It's possible and far easier when we know ourselves and how we enjoy living.

14. Understand the value of timeless style

"Women who understand the value of timeless style look amazing all of the time."

~further exploration, listen to/read episode #103: Effortless Style: The Truth (explore further in TSLL's 2nd Book, chapter 11)

15. Don't follow trends

Style remains and fashion fades. While we can be inspired or piqued by a new fashion walking down the runway, responding rather than reacting applies just as much to our decisions for our wardrobe as it does to our interactions throughout life with others. Explore this post - Why Not . . . Create Your Own Style Commandments? to strengthen your approach to building your personal style.

16. Sustainable clothing shopping requires wise shopping choices

timeless clothes

multiple purposes

seasonless (when possible)

Investing in high quality clothing, paying high price for well-made items made of quality fabric is shopping sustainably. You shop less and you wear the items longer.

17. Your personal brand is introduced through your clothing

Branding is communicated by many other factors - our energy, posture, congeniality - but before we even speak, our clothing talks for us. Our sartorial choices are powerful, and as Kamali encourages, "let yours be uniquely you".

18. Organize your closet to excite and focus your attention and save time

Kamali suggests organizing your closet to help you edit what you really want to wear and in fact organizes her personal and office closets by color, then by fabric, and then by category: dresses, jumpsuits, tops, jackets, skirts, pants.

19. Purchase multiple items you love and fit well

From undergarments to blazers, layering pieces, anything that is timeless, Kamali recommends investing in duplicates.

20. A strong confidence requires less artifice as protection

"But with her new book, she hopes to drive home the limits of fashion. 'A dress can only do so much,' she says. 'When you feel good in your body and your mind, you’ll probably spend less on clothes.'"

Upon reading the profile of Kamali's book in the WSJ, it was the above quote which resonated with me quite strongly. Yes, we need clothing, I am not one to advocate for sans-clothing living although I know some do and that is perfectly fine for them. Clothing is powerful, but when we rely on our clothing to do the work we need to be doing for ourselves for our mental well-being, we place too much importance on what we are wearing causing unnecessary stress on our mental health and strain on our budget.

I wholeheartedly, as readers and listeners know, advocate for investment pieces rather than cheap, clothing (referencing #16), and as we find peace within ourselves, strengthen ourselves with soft skills to improve how we engage with the world, our clothing, while it may introduce us before our words and actions begin, becomes secondary. Meaning, we can wear the same outfit more often without worry, we can stick to our personal uniform with confidence knowing it works with our lifestyle, and we can feel good in the clothing we have chosen further supporting us as we live how we had hoped in our dreams we could one day experience in real life: with great purpose, with deep joy and true contentment.

WORK

"Be independent; learn how to earn your own way. Then you can choose someone you love versus someone to take care of you."

21. Explore your dreams for your life journey

"The wonderful thing about a dream is that it is limitless and it is free, and it can become the path to your purpose."

Let persistent curiosity be your guide to where your purpose will be discovered. Kamali writes, "invest in your future now" even if you don't know what it will lead to or the potential it will present down the road. Simply invest because you are genuinely curious and let tomorrow reveal what it will.

22. Empower other women, don't compete

"Girls compete, women empower."

Citing insecurity and a lack of self-esteem as the cause of fear which then leads to a scarcity mindset prompting competition, when we step forward instead as women with strong self-esteem paired with generosity, there is no need to compete because we are secure in our ability, excited to learn more and willing to help as we can those who look to us with inquiry.

23. Do something that scares you

In so doing, you keep your mind sharp. Stretch your mind, learn something new, attempt something you've never thought of yourself doing, yet when presented with the opportunity, your curiosity is piqued. Try it, give it a go and who knows what doors or windows or ahas will open.

24. Respect in your field will take time

"Respect is like money, you have to earn it."

Your reason for pursuing your chosen career will determine your longevity. If your purpose comes from within, you will have the perseverance to ride the waves of questioning and/or doubt others in the field may have of your ideas. Stay true to your core purpose, be open to learning, flexible with the journey forward and how it unfolds, and in time, and in a moment most unexpected, you will realize you have garnered the respect of the field you so devoted yourself to.

25. Deal with your 'failures' well and your future will be bright

"Allow yourself a limited amount of time to recount the events that led to failure and to assess the damage. Take responsibility, look at the options for your next steps, get advice, then get on you feet and know you are not alone in failure."

26. "Do it for joy and you can do it forever"

As shared in #24, what motivates you to pursue the career or caling you find yourself and have chosen to remain or step into anew from another career that didn't quite fit will determine your longevity.

When I sit down to write, it fuels me. When I am tasked with other jobs I have done for pay, I am drained. Listen to this for your own energy sources to determine whether or not you are pursuing what is best for you.

BEAUTY

"Authenticity Enhanced is my beauty preference, since being me is definitely easier than trying to look like someone else."

Enhance who you are and only use makeup (after caring for your skin well) for definition, "not to hide or disguise or hide the real you".

27. Take care of your skin

The French have taught me many lessons, and this is one of them: tend to your skin and your makeup need only be minimal and secondary. I have written quite a bit on this topic, so I will list the post to explore for more detail (and list of recommended skincare brands and products) below:

13 French Beauty Products I Love and Recommend

22 French Beauty Secrets worth the Investment in either time or money, episode #258

15 of My Favorite Skincare Products

Let's Talk About Beauty, episode #102

28. Take pride in your individuality

"Being the author of your own life is far more interesting than imitating another's life."

~7 Components for Building a Signature Style

29. Exercise for beautiful skin

"Sweat for glowing skin and to release toxins."

~Why Not . . . Treat Your Body Like a Temple?

30. Leave the nails unpainted

"Natural, unpainted manicures are healthy and maintain a timeless look."

I have been leaving my own fingernails unpainted for, well, for all of my adult life and prior to actually as well. However, I just recently began going sans color when I give myself a pedicure. I am loving it. Less to purchase, but it forces me to care well for my overall health and directly, my nails.

While I sit down every two weeks for my at-home pedicure and tend to my fingernails every week, my choice surprised me as I wear sandals frequently in the summer, but it simply means, I will know my nails are healthy and that all is well.

31. Drink green tea for your skin

An antioxidant for the skin, Kamali shares she drinks one or two cups of green tea every day. With multiple benefits, green tea can calm redness and inflammation and protect the skin from free radical damage, and even the small amount of caffeine in green tea can help reduce puffiness around the eyes.

There are so many wonderful green teas. Currently in my tea cupboard are Vert Provence from Mariage Fréres and a variety of green teas from Palais des Thés.

Kamali's green tea mask recipe (use in #32 for your at-home facial): (1) place a paper towel on a dinner plate; (2) pour a small amount of freshly brewed cool or room-temperature green tea on the paper towel; (3) drain any excess liquid; (4) lie back with your head on a towel and place the paper towel over your face; (5) relax and breathe in a meditative manner; (6) remove when you are ready and pat dry your face.

32. Give yourself at-home facials in-between your seasonal or bi-monthly facials at the spa

Begin with a cleansing your face well (I use Caudalie's makeup removing facial cleanser which is 100% natural and vegan) Use a simple natural scrub using olive oil and sugar or sea salt, provide a steam treatment by sitting near a steamer (if you have one) or draping a towel over your head above a bowl of hot water - keep your face about 6-12 inches above the water). Then apply a facial masque best suited for your skin - I highly recommend any masques (or products) from Eminence Organic Skincare.

My facial cleanser

MAKE IT HAPPEN

33. Commit

"The minute you reflect upon what your purpose is in this lifetime, you can commit to it, and the esaier it will be to maintain focus and stay on course."

Committing occurs when we take action beyond ourselves. The conversation steps outside of our minds, we hand in the job application, turn in the resignation letter, purchase the lease, apply for the loan, say yes, say no. Following any one of these decisions, we are in it. Sure we could back out, but we've already made one of the most difficult decisions and aren't you curious to see how it can unfold if only you would put your whole heart into it?

I just made a commitment last week which put a long-held dream into motion (I will share more concretely what it is later this summer), and yes, there is fear and trepidiation, but I do my best not to hang out with these emotions for too long because I have much more excitement I now have the opportunity to full embody and explore.

Live your life on purpose for a purpose which will make you come to life and you will be, as Norma Kamali states from the beginning, invincible.

~Read Norma Kamali's highly inspiring and motivating book I Am Invincible

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~Subscribe to The Simple Sophisticate:  iTunes | Stitcher | iHeartRadio | YouTube | Spotify

Tune in to the latest episode of The Simple Sophisticate podcast

[existentialcrisesand]

everything is fucked and we are all lonely and i love you ~

Where I live, we have been impacted by the pandemic (ie quarantine, stay-at-home orders, etc) since March 2020 - that’s 11 months. 11 months of significantly less social interaction, except online (including social media, like youtube, instagram, tiktok, facebook, etc). Households are not allowed to mix with other households, which means that, although I know a lot of people are ignoring this, people who live alone (and are trying to not further spread COVID) have gone eleven months with no touch. This also extends to people who live with people who they don’t touch, or aren’t touched by! I know people whose roommates are very busy, or they don’t get along with, or their family can’t give them physical affection. I don’t know if you know this, but babies and children die if they aren’t held and touched enough. People living alone (hopefully..) aren’t babies or children who could die from lack of affection, but the fact that small humans die from this should tell us that when we lack affection, and community in general, it Will have detrimental affects on our mental health, at the very least. 

I have lived .. my entire life deprived of all types of affection and community, which had its own affects on my development, and then was being abused and dealing with subsequent untreated brain damage. I don’t actually know what it is like to live with your needs of physical affection and community being fulfilled in any way. So that’s my bias here. 

I’ve seen a lot of people, including myself, go through various stages of emotions during this pandemic, from panic, to horny, to confused and depressed, to i-will-take-any-and-all-affection-please-just-touch-me, to Depression and/or despair. I see people turning to social media to fill these needs. But I don’t think we’re going to get our needs filled there either. Social media is designed to make money, not to serve as a respite or to Build Community, especially not the communities I think people are needing most right now. I see people trying to be people they aren’t because they’re in such dire need of affection and some sort of community. They go to considerable lengths to adjust themselves in the hope of making themselves seem more palatable to the people they follow or whose attention they want. They try to mold themselves to fit what they think others will want to see or be involved with. And then they get burnt out and have no idea who they are; they’re lacking sufficient community already, so they turn to social media, where they don’t find what they need at first, so they adapt and find strategies to get what they need, even if that means being someone they aren’t and don’t want to be, when that still doesn’t work, or what comes of it still doesn’t fill their needs, they are empty and alone. They have put this weight of community into becoming someone they think others will like and in this desperation for community, they lose who they are, who they want to be. 

I’m in my 20s, so my perspective of this is going to be different to younger people - I’ve known so many teens and even people younger than 13 using social media. Obsessively. What is this going to do to their development? Their senses of self? How will this impact who they become, who they are in five years, ten years?

I also don’t see many people talking about how this pandemic will affect suicide rates. People aren’t talking about it. (When do they ever?) There are disabled people who rely on paid services and in-home care to stay alive, to have any quality of life. As far as I know, these services, where they aren’t cancelled entirely, are severely limited. People are going to die - but not because they catch COVID, because they are alone, because people suck and we don’t care enough about each other yet. And! Bringing it back to my first paragraph - we are social creatures. That’s just a fact, that’s just what humans are. We can’t survive without community. Our nervous systems and brains suffer pretty greatly without community and touch. But most people seem to forget about this idea. And then they remember it but they’re reckless and decide to meet up with a bunch of people or take their masks off, which isn’t actually the best idea either. COVID sucks but it’s real and if we don’t take it as seriously as possible, the Roaring 20s won’t happen for another hundred years probably, and I’m looking forward to being alive for the second Roaring 20s in history. 

And then there’s the question I’m sure you either have asked or will ask - ok, it’s bad, what do you propose we do about it? Yes, you’re right! Firstly, we wait. We try to manage as best we can until this is over and the Roaring 20s really begin and we all party for five - ten years. We wait for the shitty governments to be less shitty, or for the wonderful doctors and scientists etc to find vaccines and distribute them. Secondly, we build community how we can right now in as healthy of ways as we can. In my opinion, healthy communities and relationships can’t rely on social media. At least not right now. Maybe media in general will change (hopefully it will, I hope to be part of this change) and it will become a beautiful, safe place where people can go to to feel held and loved. But right now, it’s not that. Except maybe the warm places on reddit, and discord if you’re lucky. We need to put effort into our own individual healing and into the healing of our loved ones and of our kin, of the people we have yet to meet. We need to make room to have tough conversations about feelings and loneliness and we need to make plans and strategies to help each other and build spaces where this loneliness is lessened, even if it’s only for a little while. We need to find ways to hold each other and love each other even though everything fucking sucks.

This will be over eventually, and the Roaring 20s will be here once again. I for one plan to go to every gig I can afford to attend, to kiss everyone who wants to kiss me, cuddle everyone who wants to cuddle with me, and hold the hands of all the people who will let me. But we need to figure out ways to get through this shit show, cause it’s not over yet. We need to love each other and make plans. 

I hope this wasn’t too terribly pretentious. I’m really upset about not having much community, about feeling unworthy, about finding a person or two but then being screwed over by them. I’m putting this here cause maybe this will help someone, and because I need to say it. Thanks for reading. Please stay safe.

Disclaimer: these are my opinions, experiences, and views. I may be wrong, I may have gotten details, timelines, statistics, etc wrong. This is not meant to be taken as medical advice, therapy, or anything like that. Take from it what you will, but I’m not a doctor or a therapist, I’m just saying what I have to say because I can. Thank you.

[allenmendezsr]

Profit From Your Passion

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Just in case all this isn’t a solid enough reason to get your Profit From Your Passion right now, here’s a scary fact from The Oxford Program that you should know: 

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If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, then you may need to take the signs of Career Depression very seriously. 

Here’s why…According to The Oxford Program, Career Depression generally goes through three stages:

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Stage 3: Career Paralysis

Obviously, you don’t want to wait until you reach the “end of the line” before taking action! In fact, in a recent study at the Australian National University it was discovered that the wrong job can actually be bad for you – worse than having no job at all! 

“...research showed that people who moved from being unemployed into poor-quality jobs were significantly more likely to be depressed…than those people who remained unemployed.” – Dr. Liana Leach, Centre for Mental Health Research

Let’s face it: depression is a very real and debilitating condition for millions of people. It causes feelings of hopelessness, mood swings, chronic fatigue, eating disorders and even thoughts of death and dying among those who don’t get help soon enough.

That’s why it’s so important for you to find out what you are truly meant to be doing here on Earth, and which career you will be happiest in starting today. 

Why should your work be a source of depression for you, when it could be an endless source of emotional fulfillment and joyful confidence? 

You can avoid having to suffer through any more years of “quiet desperation” by taking action today.

I could easily charge $297 for the program Probably even $497,

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Build Your Self Confidence and Self Esteem.

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 Clear Out Self Sabotage, Self Blame and Procrastination

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If you listen to the Profit From Your Passion and don’t discover at least 1 eye-opening thing about yourself that you can use today to radically change how you choose your calling, i’ll refund every penny.

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[yogaposesfortwo]

5 Teachers Share how Yoga Supports their Mental Health

This week is psychological state Awareness Week, and while the planet has been turned the wrong way up by a physical illness within the last few months, tons of individuals are finding that it's also taken its toll on their psychological state . Having a yoga and meditation practice makes us more resilient to vary and feelings of stress and anxiety, and while everything feels scary and unsure at the instant , we love seeing people address their practice for support and luxury through this point . We asked 5 teachers how their yoga and meditation practice has supported their mental health:

Hannah Presence

Yoga is such a lot quite just movement therapy. Yes, it can condition and tone the body, improve strength and adaptability , but it's many layers during which it improves our psychological state , and actually , all aspects of our lives. Firstly, The practice of yoga incorporates many breathing techniques. These techniques can manipulate the systema nervosum . It takes us out of our stress response which has become our predominant setting for the bulk of individuals and activating into our “relaxed” response parasympathetic systema nervosum . Instantly this relaxes the body (allowing the physicality to maneuver with more ease and fluidity) and calms the mind (slows down the thought processes) which helps a meditation practice and clear & positive thinking. Secondly breathing techniques open energy channels and boosts prana (energy levels throughout the body) This energy flows through our nadis & chakras keeping the energetic body healthy. for instance , our sacral chakra is liable for balancing our emotions, creativity amongst an entire heap of other aspects. this will support a more grounded and healthier psychological state . All types of yoga fast or slow demand a component of here and now awareness. When practicing, you've got to be fully conscious of what you're doing, to A) avoid injury B) follow the practice and C) keep observation of your breath. When practiced fully during this way, there's no room to believe stresses and worries of your life or others. you're simply there. this is often called mindfulness, one among the key skills to hone in if you would like to eradicate your anxiety. Overall, yoga which can appear as if a really physical practice can actually drop wonders below the surface.

Shareefa Radford

Yoga has been in my live for over 10 years and I’ve always found that within the tough times that specialize in my practice has always provided me with a way of calm, control, belonging and peace. Taking outing to breathe and stretch gives my mind the much needed space to process the difficult emotions and stand back from the “wobbles” I even have suffered with anxiety for several years so practicing yoga and meditation has always felt like my medicine. I like to practice very first thing within the morning, during this point I set my intentions for the day, once I miss each day or two i actually notice the difference in my stress levels. When it involves my mental wellness yoga has been and can always be my safe space.

Claire Doyle

Throughout life I’ve battled with my very own personal psychological state enormously at various times. As an ex professional performer I spent over 10 years working in an incredibly competitive and highly stressful industry which quite honestly often cultivates and almost encourages very unhealthy expectations and ways of thinking and being. While I succeeded in fulfilling my childhood dreams and making a career out of my old flame – music and singing, within the end the constant pressure and specialise in all things external eventually left me feeling pretty empty and looking for a way deeper meaning and purpose in life. it had been by no means a simple decision to show my back on a life long career, it had been probably the scariest thing I’ve ever done letting go of all I had ever known and becoming a yoga teacher but it's honestly been far and away the healthiest, most liberating and most rewarding decision I’ve ever made. Yoga and more recently meditation have always existed as ever present anchors on behalf of me . I can safely say there's no way i might be coping also mentally or physically immediately without having a fanatical self practice. It’s an endless giving tool which enables me to know my true self and cultivate a more compassionate and non judgemental relationship with myself. It connects me to my intuition and builds such a lot self trust, self awareness and egos . It’s been fundamental in bringing me back to my truth and balancing me in times of chaos and uncertainty. Having a daily yoga or meditation practice moves us from the sympathetic systema nervosum (fight-or-flight mode) to the parasympathetic systema nervosum (rest- and-digest mode) By moving mindfully and breathing consciously and deeply you stimulate the vegus nerve which is liable for healing and thus moves us out of the fight or flight mode and calms down the entire systema nervosum . It’s a life skill that's available to anyone and everybody of all ages and skills . I feel truly grateful to now be ready to share my passion and knowledge of this incredible system with others through teaching all things yoga.

Monica Ruiz

Meditation There are tons of myths about “reaching a meditative state” as “the mind must become blank” – the mind is meant to be busy with thoughts all the time. What meditation (and the utilization of visualisations and therefore the guidance of breath) provides a pathway to remain present, while the mind becomes calmer. You can add any extra elements, like sound, crystals, and essential oils. Meditation will allow your mind to exit from the flight/fight mode and step into a calmer sense. Use the breath as an anchor. Use visualisations if helpful to centre when thoughts crop up – apps like Insight timer have wonderful and free options – check mine here. Yoga It’s an excellent thanks to break repetitive cycles or once we find ourselves during a spiral. Taking physical action to interrupt that spiral. Physical movement brings balance to all or any bodies (mental, physical and emotional) and allows to precise and release emotions through physical action. This action features a chemical effect in our brains, releasing endorphins (happy hormones) while detoxifying cortisol / adrenaline (causing stress). Spending time in nature may be a wonderful thanks to move while being present and connecting together with your surroundings. Breathing We use breath in meditation because the key anchor to the now, to this . With that, we keep the mind busy observing and noticing the breath while we start connecting with our human body and its sensations. Yoga tradition considers breath “prana” as vital force , because the fuel that keeps us alive and going. It’s a particularly powerful tool to switch our state – it are often truly activating or very calming, counting on how it’s used.

Phoebe Greenacre

Cultivating a Yoga and meditation practice has been truly transformational. These ancient tools have allowed me to carry space for my emotions and have given me a portal into my body to assist me understand how I feel every day . Whether i want yoga movement to assist me move through my emotions, or the stillness meditation provides to assist me sit with my emotions, my psychological state has improved significantly once I use both of those tools in synergy. Author: Yogamatters Source: https://www.yogamatters.com/blog/how-yoga-supports-mental-health/ Discover more info about Yoga Poses for Two People here: Yoga Poses for Two Read the full article

[clausvonbohlen]

Where I am; a manifesto, memoir, and auto-analysis.

I haven’t posted on here for a long time. This was intended to be a brief update, but has turned into something much longer, a sort of summary of the last 10 years. Perhaps that’s fitting, given that I turned 40 a few months ago. It will, however, require more commitment from you, my cherished reader.

 But first, a disclaimer of sorts. This is about the ups, but also – and perhaps primarily – about the downs. And yet I know I am lucky. Indeed, I won a sort of birth lottery: I am white, male, educated, and have never suffered from lack of anything. If you don’t think that I should have downs, or if you think that if I have them I should not write about them, then you should stop reading here. This has been my experience, I promise to relate it to you with as much honesty as I am capable of. If that is not enough for you, then we cannot be friends.

 This is also, in a sense, the story of my continuing search for happiness. When I say ‘happiness’, I mean it in the deepest sense – a life that is fulfilling, and meaningful, and conducive to continued growth and flourishing. There is nothing unique about that; it’s a journey we are all on, in one way or another. And I also feel a certain duty; if I, with all my advantages, can’t be happy in that deep sense, then what hope is there for those less fortunate? And if no one can be happy, then what, really, is the point of human existence on earth? Is that too grandiose an extrapolation? I don’t think so.

  In fact, I do now feel that I am on the right path, but I lost it for a while, and I could lose it again. That’s what I now intend to write about.

  I am not the first to have been at a loss, and particularly not at this stage. Seven centuries ago, Dante Alighieri wrote:

‘Nell’ mezzo del camin di nostra vita

mi ritrovai per una selva oscura

ché la diritta via era smarrita.’

  When I had journeyed half of our life's way, I found myself within a shadowed forest, for I had lost the path that does not stray.

  In my case, I began to find the path harder to follow about ten years ago. At that time I was living in London, writing, going out, occasionally hooking up with girls, going to rugby training during the week and playing matches on weekends. For years, rugby had been a big part of my life. I was only ever competent, but since my work life was solitary, I loved the team side of it, and the physicality too. But then, to my surprise, I found myself enjoying it less and less. The training was predictable, the games often disappointing; only the friendships kept me going.

 My life in London also felt predictable and uninspiring. I had finished one novel and had not yet started on a second. I was serving part time as a Special Constable – a volunteer Police Officer- in the borough of Wandsworth. It was generally dull work, though I had signed up for it in the hope of excitement, and to get me out of my apartment, which was also my place of work. Then the opportunity arose for me to change tack and work for a German film director in Los Angeles, as his assistant. I took it. From one week to the next, I handed in my police badge, hung up my rugby boots, and moved to America.

  I have recently been listening to some podcasts by the psychologist Richard Alpert, later known as Ram Dass. My experience of ceasing to enjoy playing rugby – a very small thing, in itself – gave me my first inkling of the much deeper changes that he describes more dramatically as ‘the dark night of the soul’. This is  from a talk he gave:

‘And you will go through a period, some of you have already done it, where you are horrified by your dying, the dying of rushes you were previously getting from life, that you tried to hold on to something that was giving you a rush before, because you couldn’t ever conceive that it wouldn’t always give you a rush, but it doesn’t, and the lag between when you stopped having the rush and when you are willing to cop to it, see, that’s how bad you want to get done. A lot of us are clinging to rushes we are already done having, partly because we don’t know what to do next, or partly because we are afraid of what happens next, because “lest ye die ye cannot be born again”… and that is the “dark night of the soul” in St. John of the Cross, where you have lost the fun of the world and you haven’t fully tasted the divinity.’

  There is a lot more in that talk, much of it still mysterious to me. But I would have to say, other ‘rushes’ then started to fall away too. Drinking. The Cresta Run. One night stands. Not to say that they couldn’t be enjoyable on occasion, but there was certainly no reliability in it. Not as there once had been, and not as other people seemed to experience.

  Recently I had a very clear perception of the diminishing returns from ‘rushes’. I was walking home here in Athens, having smoked a joint. The whole way, I was focussed on the next sensory pleasure that I could give myself. I got home and drank a glass of wine. Then I ate some chocolate. Then I surfed the web. The dissatisfactory quality of each gratification was almost immediately evident; the pleasure lasted just moments, and as soon as it was over, I was casting around for the next one. The balance between enjoyment and dissatisfaction has shifted over the years, or maybe I now see it with greater clarity. In any case, I couldn’t help wondering, how long will I continue with this pattern? How long until the dissatisfaction outweighs the enjoyment? And what then?

  A Western psychologist reading this might think, aha, sounds like you were/ are depressed. But I don’t think Richard Alpert would have said that. Or, if he had, he would have attributed very little significance to the term. It might be an accurate description – in terms of box-checking - of a certain pattern of feeling and behaving, but it says very little about the meaning and deeper purpose of that pattern. And I am sure that there is both meaning and purpose.

  But to resume the narrative – the narrative of my life! – I moved to Los Angeles and very quickly realised that I was completely disenchanted with both the industry I was working in, and the city I had moved to. I met many talented, attractive, successful people, but they all seemed so unhappy, so anxious, so neurotic. In fact, the film industry and the city – hard for me to differentiate the two – seemed to suffer from a collective neurosis. I wanted to understand it.

  At the same time, I had started to realise that the traditional goals were not going to provide me with the ‘rushes’ I had lost. I came across a quote by Helen Keller that resonated with me:

  ‘True happiness is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.’

And with that in mind, I decided to become a psychotherapist. I applied to graduate school in San Francisco, quit my job in Los Angeles, and embarked on a doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology six months later.

  At first, it was exciting to embark upon a new field of study, in a new city, with a sense of purpose. However, little by little, the disenchantment set in. Not so much with the absence of rushes, but rather with a sense that the material I was being taught, and the perspective I was being taught it from, were misguided. The information was accurate as far as it went, but it was based on a contracted view of what human life could be. I have written about this disenchantment in other places  (e.g. my blog at that time, www.icanseealcatraz.blogspot.com). Eventually I found a happier home at Saybrook University, formerly the Humanistic Psychology Institute of California State University. Here I was able to take courses in the Psychology of Shamanism, Eastern Psychology and Existential Psychology, amongst others. I was encouraged to look at human life from a broader perspective.

  I graduated with an MA in Existential, Humanistic and Transpersonal Psychology, then I went to work for the Gaza Community Mental Health Programme, a Palestinian NGO in the Gaza Strip. But with only rudimentary Arabic, I soon reached the limit of my usefulness. Following the kidnapping and murder of one of the very few other non-UN foreigners there, I moved to Beirut, to study Arabic.

  My short time in Gaza made a big impression on me. Despite the poverty, the nightly sound of drones overhead, the sonic booms of Israeli fighter jets on daytime fly-bys, and the fact that ordinary Gazans cannot leave their tiny strip of land (no airport or port, closed borders), the people struck me as happier, on the whole, than the average American (yes, yes) in San Francisco. That impression deserves an essay in itself, and it is something I rarely talk about, since it is easily misinterpreted. It also has to do with the bonding effect of shared suffering and a common enemy (similar to the Blitz in that respect), as well as more tightly knit families, and minimal materialism. But in short, and as idealistic as this may sound, it made me realise that human relationships make people happier than constant material consumption ever can.

  When I first arrived in Beirut, I taught English to Palestinian students from camps in Lebanon, through an NGO called Unite Lebanon Youth Project (ULYP). Then I heard about a vacancy for a full time teacher of English Literature, and also Philosophy, at Brummana High School, in the mountains above Beirut. I applied, went for an interview, and was offered the job.

  I worked at Brummana for two years. Some of those experiences are detailed elsewhere in this blog. But in short, I was teaching subjects that I found interesting, to students that I liked. I had a lot of freedom and was even allowed to design and teach a Creative Writing elective that turned out to be more like group therapy, with some poems and short stories on the side. I was living in a beautiful place, with sweeping views over Beirut and the Mediterranean. I was doing the kind of work that is generally thought to be worthwhile, to accord with Keller’s ‘worthy purpose’, and to be fulfilling. And yet, having settled into the daily and weekly routine, it was not long before I once again started to feel restless.

  I left Brummana, and Lebanon at the same time. I was not sure what I wanted to do next, but I thought that a cure for my perpetual restlessness might be a long walk, so I walked with Finny – my Lebanese foundling dog – from Salzburg to Santiago de Compostela, along the old medieval pilgrims’ route. The walk took us six months, and I wrote about it here – www.onehundredwordsaweek.blogspot.com

  The walk gave me plenty of time to think. I limited my access to email and internet to once a week. One email I received along the way was from an old school friend, organizing a dinner for a group of us who had left school exactly twenty years before. It made me think back to that period of my life, and these lines from the Frank O’Hara’s poem ‘Animals’ came to mind:

  Have you forgotten what we were like then

when we were still first rate,

and the day came fat with an apple in its mouth?

 I was reminded of certain mornings as a teenager, perhaps during the summer holidays, when my body hummed with energy, and when the future filled me with a sense of tremendous excitement.

  And I thought of Housman’s lines from section XV of ‘A Shropshire Lad’, lines that more accurately reflected my own experience of recent years:

  Into my heart an air that kills

From yon far country blows;

What are those blue remembered hills,

What spires, what farms are those?

  That is the land of lost content,

I see it shining plain,

The happy highways where I went,

And cannot come again.

  I had hoped that the pilgrimage would allow me to work out what I wanted to do with my life. It didn’t. Or at least, not in any long-term way. However, it did make me think that after almost a decade away from the UK, I should return there to spend some time with my parents, and also to put some energy into maintaining and renovating parts of our family home in Sussex. It is an old house with a lovely garden and I have memories of a very happy childhood there. But it had started to look a little neglected, perhaps more obvious to me since I would just see it once or twice a year. The place has given me a lot, and I felt a responsibility to it.

  So I found myself back in a place that I loved, channeling my energy into a project that felt worthwhile, and spending some time with parents who will not be around for ever. Ideas of nostalgia were still in my head, but not in the way they had been during the walk. Now I became aware of the second meaning of the term – not homesickness so much as a more literal ‘nostos’ and ‘algos’, the pain of returning home (an insight that I owe to Rory Dunlop and his very enjoyable novel ‘What We Didn’t Say’). Because I did now feel pain; home was not the same, my parents were not the same, and nor was I.

  At first I minimized all this. People close to me endorsed my renovation project, and my decision to spend time with my parents. I knew I was lucky to have grown up in such a beautiful place. But the problem was that I was struggling to see the beauty, or feel the luck. Wherever I looked I just saw problems, endless menial maintenance tasks with no end in sight, like one of those bridges – The Golden Gate, the Severn - where as soon as the painters finish painting one end they need to start at the beginning again.

  What’s more, I was drinking a couple of cocktails every evening, then passing out as soon as I lay down. But I would wake up feeling exhausted and achy, and my tiredness would only increase throughout the day. I also felt a tightness in my throat, and a general lack of enthusiasm. I thought I might have contracted a virus, so I went to see my GP. He did some blood tests but couldn’t find anything wrong.

  Throughout my life, books and literature have always provided a refuge. But no longer: I was struggling to concentrate, and I wasn’t enjoying any of the books that I picked up, despite the fact that they often came highly recommended.

  In a last ditch attempt to lift myself out of this slough of literary despond, I made a larger order of carefully chosen titles, from Amazon. The first book to arrive, clearly addressed to me, was ‘What Matters Most’, by Dr. James Hollis. Bizarrely, I had never heard of it. There was no receipt, and when I viewed my account online, I found no record of having ordered it.

  That night, most unusually, I woke up at 2am and couldn’t get back to sleep. I picked up the book and started reading. I read for 3 hours straight; it felt as if the book had been written specifically for me. Dr. Hollis’ thesis, based on his Jungian training, is that there is something beyond the Freudian id-ego-superego structure, and that is the soul. The soul needs to grow, needs to feel that it is expanding and developing, and if that does not happen, then sooner or later we will experience symptoms – lack of energy, frustration, anxiety, indecision, and physical ailments too.

  Despite the somewhat pop-y title, Hollis is a serious Jungian analyst. From his perspective, the book’s mysterious arrival would not be an accident, but an instance of synchronicity. The following morning, when I woke, I saw a whatsapp message on my phone from an old friend with whom I communicate about once a month. He told me he had just woken from a dream in which I had recommended a book to him. I told him of my experience of the night, and recommended Hollis’ book to him.

  ‘What Matters Most’ made me realise that my malaise had a meaning, that my body was the means through which the soul and the unconscious were trying to communicate with me, and that those deepest parts of me were frustrated because they did not feel they were growing. Most people my age are married and have families; many have their own businesses. These are all creative acts. I, on the other hand, was trying to patch up my childhood, to preserve my parents’ vision, and – essentially - to hold onto the past. The book also drew my attention to the way that it can often be fear – fear of change, fear of failure, fear of what other people will think – that holds us back from being all that we can be.

  In the summer, I attended an Ayahuasca retreat in Scotland, something I was quite apprehensive about, since I have long questioned the value of de-contextualised shamanism. But the retreat was guided by an inspiring individual who was himself deeply rooted in a specific tradition, and it rekindled my own interest in plant medicine and Amazonian shamanism. I felt that the time had come to delve deeper into that world, so I interviewed the shaman about where it might still be possible to find uncontaminated shamanic practices in the Amazon (without risking one’s life), and based on his information, I planned a trip for the end of the year.

  I went to Peru with my mind open; I wanted to see whether it would be possible for me to communicate with the plants in the way that curanderos and vegetalistas describe. I took Ayahuasca twice a week over a period of two months, as described in previous posts on this blog, but the plants did not communicate with me. Or, at least, that is what I thought at the time. They certainly did not teach me their healing and medicinal purposes, nor the songs through which this information is said to be relayed. But, in restrospect, I think they may have had a message for me, namely that it was not the right time for me to explore that world. I needed to ground myself in this world more firmly first, to feel that I had a home of my own, an Archimedean point.

  My Ayahuasca trips are rarely very visual, but one mental image that kept coming back to me was of an empty white room, with a view of the blue sky and the blue sea. At the time, I thought this was probably a reaction to my life in Sussex where, in addition to feeling lethargic and unwell, I had felt oppressed by ‘stuff’ – the accumulated clutter of my lifetime, and my parents’ lifetime, and the clutter of previous generations. So many things, and they weighed on me, as a sense of family history also weighed on me. The empty white room was the opposite of that: a space in which to let go, to de-clutter, and to create.

  I was able to experience a pared down, de-cluttered life in a Zen monastery in Japan some months later, and I found it very rewarding. But it was brutal too – the monastery was freezing, I was not allowed to wear socks or a hat, and the obligatory 4.30am morning meditation was followed by hours of floor cleaning, with a cold wet rag. But I soon felt calmer than I had done for years, though I also realised that I was not ready to make a longterm commitment to that kind of a life, though at some future point, who knows.

  Back in Europe some months later, I joined a few friends on a short hiking holiday in Crete, inspired by the Patrick Leigh-Fermor and Stanley Moss’ kidnapping of the German General Kreipe in 1942, and their subsequent march across the mountainous centre of the island. General Kreipe had been dragging his feet,  expecting to be rescued at any moment. On the first morning of his abduction he observed the sunrise on Mt. Ida and quoted the first verse of Horace’s ‘Ode to Thaliarcus’, describing a similar sunrise on Mt. Soractus in the Apennines. When he had finished, Patrick Leigh-Fermor – a classicist blessed with an excellent memory - quoted the remaining verses. The General was impressed and stopped dragging his feet from that point on. In his memoir, Patrick Leigh Fermor wrote, “…for a long moment, the war had ceased to exist. We had both drunk at the same fountains long before.”

  I was blown away by the area of Crete that we were hiking through. The walk across Europe had re-sensitized me to the beauty of landscape, but these Cretan mountains were, I felt, the landscapes that I wished to get to know deeply, and one day to paint.

  I won’t pretend that I found the actual empty white room of my Ayahuasca visions, but this place definitely had the right feel. It was here that I could imagine building that white room for myself, with its view of the sea and the sky.

  I returned to the UK with a sense of excitement about the future that I had not felt for some time. I was finally finding some direction, even a sense of purpose.

  Some readers may be thinking, fine, but what about teaching? What about psychotherapy? What about helping people? Maybe you should be less selfish, maybe if you had committed to those things, you would have found that sense of purpose?

  I hear you, friend reader! But I felt I did commit, to the extent that I was capable at those times, and yet I was restless. Not despairing, but not exactly happy either. Does that matter? Should it not be enough just to feel that you are doing something worthwhile? I think it does matter. Happiness creates ripples, and if you are happy in yourself, then that will have a positive effect on all the interactions you have, and on all the people you meet. The uplifting interaction with a stranger in a supermarket may have more impact than the worthiest acts that are performed by someone who is profoundly miserable. We are not the originators of love or positivity; rather, we are conduits for those qualities, and we channel them most effectively when we are happy in ourselves.

  Happiness, in this deep sense, is not a purely selfish thing. It benefits others too, and in some mysterious way it may even shape the world we live in. So do what makes you happy, but make sure you understand the distinction between sensory gratification and real happiness.

  But isn’t the pursuit of happiness always self-defeating? We are happy until we ask ourselves whether we are happy, and then we realise we could be happier, and that makes us unhappy… Happiness is, in the words of Oliver Burkeman, a ‘delicate two-step’: aim at it too directly, and you will lose it.

  There is truth in that. But at the same time, I think that there are certain constituents of happiness that will never let us down. Two of the most important, as Freud stated, are work and love. Work, at its best, should provide a sense of purpose, and also allow us to experience a state of flow, that sense of being fully absorbed in a task. Seen in this light, work can be very similar to concentration meditation; it allows the restless mind to settle.

  To be in that state of flow and get paid for it is perhaps the holy grail. But even if we don’t get paid for it, we still need it. We might then describe it as a ‘hobby’, or perhaps it is simply unpaid work (like my mother ‘working’ in the garden), but the important thing is that we are having that experience.

  We also need to feel love, or else we become brittle and emotionally atrophied. But that need not necessarily be romantic love. We can love our friends, or music, or a pet, or nature, or God; the important thing is to remove the blockages from that channel.

  To return to my own story, I have known for some time that I need to rediscover the state of flow. My walk across Europe had reminded me of the power of landscape to move me. Crete’s rugged beauty impressed me deeply. When I was younger, I used to paint a lot. But in my 20s and early 30s, I did not find it dynamic enough. Now I think differently; the calming, meditative quality holds an appeal for me that I was not conscious of before. I made up my mind to return to Crete and devote myself to painting landscapes. And the more I thought about it, the more it seemed the right thing to do.

  I remembered a piece of advice from a letter that Hunter S. Thompson wrote to  his friend Hume Logan. Logan requests career advice, to which Thompson replies: ‘…beware of looking for goals: look for a way of life. Decide how you want to live and then see what you can do to make a living WITHIN that way of life.’

                  When I imagine my future, I do not aspire to being surrounded by flapping assistants, chauffeured from meeting to meeting, plied with rich food and drink, signing cheques for the maintenance of houses and expensive toys. And estranged wives. No, I would much rather spend time in the landscapes that I love, building a relationship with them through meticulous observation, and recording that relationship through the act of painting. A direct relationship, not mediated through a digital screen, and – crucially – free from distractions. Hemingway said: ‘The man who has begun to live more seriously within begins to live more simply without.’ I want to live seriously within.

  I have also been inspired by the film Jiro Dreams of Sushi, about an elderly Japanese sushi chef called Jiro. In my own life, I have not observed many people ageing well, by which I mean being happy and at peace with themselves and the world as they grow old. Jiro, though rather a tyrant in his restaurant, seems to me to be that rare bird: a happy old man. He still works every day, as he has done since his earliest youth, and he is driven by the same goal: to make the perfect mouthful of sushi, just a tiny fraction of a degree more delicious than anything he has ever made before. He has no interest in retirement, or even in holidays; what can they offer a man with so clear a sense of purpose?

  Jiro is an artist. Perhaps he is lucky to have been born with a fine palate, and with so clear a sense of purpose. But perhaps we can decide on our purpose, and thereby make our own luck.

  *

  In the Amazon, the plants had not spoken to me, at least not through the medium of song. And yet, more and more, I feel that they are alive, and maybe that they do have spirits. Indeed, that all of nature is animate in that way. Painting is a way to concentrate on the natural world, and to explore these intuitions more deeply.

  I know that landscape painting is not really part of the dialogue of contemporary art, but that doesn’t bother me. In fact, I think I prefer it that way. If you have got this far, you will have realised that I prefer the monologue anyway. In addition, landscape painting could have a moral dimension, since the more we  appreciate the beauty and harmony of nature, the less likely we are to destroy it. Painting has the capacity not only to open the eyes of the artist, but of the viewer too. That is a worthy goal; to communicate something of the vision and the sensitivity.

  Finally, perhaps I am starting to see painting as a secular form of worship; through it, I can express my gratitude for creation, and for the fact that I am here to appreciate it. And maybe that is our collective human purpose: we are nature becoming conscious of itself.

  *

  Back in London, I started taking Greek lessons at the Hellenic Centre. Then I bought a second-hand motorbike, tidied my affairs, and set off by motorbike for Crete. I took the ferry to Santander, arriving by night in the middle of a rainstorm, then crossed the north of Spain to Barcelona. I stayed with my old friend F, whom I had got to  know 20 years before, when we both played for a rugby team in Barcelona. On the last night of my visit, his wife gave birth, two weeks early. He just managed to get her to the hospital in time, and I said goodbye to him and his wife, and their newborn baby, in the maternity ward the following morning.

  I spent a week with other friends in France, then continued into Italy in the crucible of a heat-wave. Biking long distances is tiring at the best of times, but exhausting in 42 degrees, when the heat radiates off the motorway and you are clad in black leather. I had planned to bike through the Balkans, but there were wildfires in Albania, and I was finding it increasingly tough going. I crossed the north of Italy and then decided to take the ferry from Ancona to Greece. While biking the final leg from Patras to Athens, I felt euphoric; I had a strange sense of having finally come home. I thought of Cavafy’s poem ‘Ithaka’:

  Keep Ithaka always in your mind. Arriving there is what you are destined for. But do not hurry the journey at all. Better if it lasts for years, so you are old by the time you reach the island, wealthy with all you have gained on the way, not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

  Greece is not my native soil, but I am beginning to feel that my journey has been a long one. Perhaps that is enough; anywhere can be home if we choose to make it so.

  *

  Except for the touristy areas, Athens in August is something of a ghost town. I only stayed a couple of days before continuing to Crete. I was afraid that it would not live up to my idealised recollections, but I need not have worried. I returned to the area I had visited in the spring, and it was as wild and beautiful as I remembered. I hiked, swam in the sea, painted watercolours, and observed the old men in the taverna at night. But despite the inspiring landscape, I soon realised that, at this point in my life, I would find life in this remote area of Crete too lonely. In addition, I am still a very long way from possessing the technical skill to paint the kind of pictures that I have in my head.

  In September I returned to Athens. I started a course of intensive Greek lessons, and I spent my days crisscrossing the city on foot, getting to know different areas and looking for an apartment to rent, as well as a space to use as a painting studio. It was still very hot, and at times the language barrier could make life difficult. But things seemed to fall into place: I met good people and found spaces that far exceeded my hopes, both in terms of charm and affordability. I felt that I was experiencing first-hand my theory about positive energy: when you are happy and open to the universe and to others, then good things often fall into your lap. It seems more than just coincidence.

  There are many things I love about Athens. Above all, I feel that people are less neurotic than in any other place I have ever lived. There is not the same restless quality. At times this can be challenging too; it often makes me realise how impatient I am, but that is a valuable lesson. At least once a day I have to say to myself, ‘You can’t hurry the Greeks.’

  I love the absence of billboards and advertising in the city generally, and particularly on the underground. My mental space is more protected here, my consciousness not constantly invaded by disingenuous images telling me what products I need to buy in order to be happy, or what I should look like, or the kind of life that I should aspire towards. It’s very pleasant, but most Greeks are unaware of their good fortune in this respect, because it is all they know. I am tempted to draw a parallel with colour perception in the ancient world. There is no word for blue in ancient Greek, perhaps because, with all that immensity of sea and sky, the colour was so ubiquitous that the ancient eye was not trained to pick it out.

  I love the fact that the bars and cafés are crowded with cheerful, attractive Athenians who will sip from one or two glasses of iced espresso all night. Their pleasure comes from conversation, from each other, and not from getting wasted.

  I love the fact that this is not a nanny state. Occasionally you will see someone riding a motorbike, no helmet, cigarette between his lips, holding a phone to his ear, and with a dog perched on the fuel tank. Dangerous, yes, but free too.

  There are many beautiful Greek girls. In some ways they are similar to Lebanese girls, but they are more natural looking. I love the sound of the language as they speak it. It has a delicate, tinkling quality, like a clear mountain stream.

  I love the exaggerated respect that you are shown when you have to enter a PIN number anywhere. As soon as a shopkeeper or waiter has given you the portable terminal, he will retreat into a corner, closing his eyes and turning his back, as if you were handling a vial of anthrax rather than a credit card.

  I love the fact that in a spinning class I went to, the strapping instructor came round before and after  the class offering everyone chocolate truffles; during the class, he projected a sequence of Victoria’s Secret videos, which was an excellent distraction for me, and which the rest of the class – all girls - appeared to not to mind.

  As a single person, I love the fact that in Greek the same word (‘ελευθερος’) means both ‘single’ and ‘free’.

  I love the fact that internet dating has not caught on in Athens. Greeks prefer to speak to each other in person, and will still start conversations with strangers in a queue, rather than focus all their attention on their telephones. They think that there is something a little bit sad about conducting the affairs of the heart through an app, even when real world interactions mean running the risk of rejection. And, because they are less neurotic, the belief that the perfect partner is just one more swipe away has less traction.

  *

  Of course there have been challenging days too, particularly while I was struggling to find a place to live, owing to the boom in Airbnbs, and consequent dearth of furnished apartments on the domestic market. But often things felt not quite real. On one occasion, when I was frustrated after yet another rejection from a prospective landlord, I looked up to see a clown on an oversize unicycle cycling down hectic Piraeus street; as if the universe were telling me to take a deep breath and lighten up.

  That is a just a very small moment, but it does tap into a much bigger question about the reality of the external world. For some time now I have wondered about the extent to which we are involved in the co-creation of what we perceive to be reality.  I don’t think it is possible to take psychedelics and shamanic entheogens without at some point asking oneself these questions.

  There is a famous thought experiment in philosophy: can we ever know that our experience is what we believe it to be, or could we just be disembodied brains in vats having our neuronal circuitry manipulated by mad scientists? In light of last year’s American election, when a clown in a toupée was elected President of the United States, the brain-in-a-vat theory suddenly seems quite plausible.

  I am neither a solipsist nor an idealist in the Berkeleyan sense: I do believe that other people exist in meaningful ways, and not just because I have an idea of them. However, what interests me is the extent to which my ideas shape the experiences I have, and how they contribute to creating my ‘reality’. This is a big, and possibly unanswerable, question for metaphysics, but its implications are perhaps most evident in the field of psychology, where it has arisen in an pointed way for me in the context of making choices.

  Choice is a sword with two very sharp edges. One the one hand, choice is a luxury and a privilege; the richer, more talented, more successful a person is, the more choice they often have. But on the other hand, it seems to me that nothing is quite as likely to cause neurosis, dissatisfaction, and avoidable suffering. To give a very simple example, I can find myself paralyzed before a supermarket shelf of different washing-up liquids: which is the best? Which is the cheapest? Which smell do I like best? Which colour do I prefer? What can this one do that the others can’t? On a bad day, the decision-making process is painful, probably because this one choice carries with it a little bit of all the other unmade choices in my life. However, if I go into the local corner store which stocks just one size and type of washing up liquid, I will buy it and be perfectly happy.

  In small ways, I can find myself undone by choice. I am now consciously attempting to prevent those small ways from becoming bigger ways. For instance, I attend Tai Chi classes here in Athens. There are mornings when I don’t feel like going; I’m tired, or it’s raining, or I just don’t feel like it. I am currently experimenting with pretending that I don’t have a choice. I don’t allow myself to go down the decision-making path. Just do it. And I have to say that so far I feel much better for it.

Washing-up liquid and a Tai Chi class are of course very small things, but it is good to practise with the small things. The bigger things are, perhaps, choosing to move to Greece. I have moved to different countries and different cities in the past, but always in a provisional, transient way. I feel differently about this move, and that is having a beneficial effect on my own habitual inner restlessness. It is also, I think, the right kind of preparation for committing to this new career, and possibly even to a person.

  Maybe I have just been rather slow to adopt this strategy. Years ago, I joined a Canadian-American friend in a cross-country skiing marathon from Norway to Sweden. My friend is affectionately known as Captain America, owing to his chiseled chin and robust all-round competence. I had flu on the day of the marathon and was running a temperature, not at all pleasant in -20 degrees. My progress was very slow, also because the phlegm in my lungs kept making me retch. My friend stuck loyally by my side for the first 30 kilometers or so, then – in a moment reminsicent of a Vietnam movie – I persuaded him to  push ahead at his own speed. Captain America’s parting words to me were, ‘Remember: failure is not an option.’ I am not sure whether I found it all that motivating at the time, but now I recognise the effectiveness of that attitude.

  But for me there is one problem with this approach, and it is a problem of intellectual consistency. Unfortunately, the pretence that I don’t have a choice does not sit well with my commitment to the existential perspective, as formulated philosophically by Sartre and psychotherapeutically by Irvin Yalom. Central to the existential perspective is the recognition that we have total choice, and total responsibility for our lives. There is no human ‘essence’; it is up to us to make of ourselves what we will. We are ‘condemned’ to be free, and any attempt to shirk that freedom is intellectually dishonest, personally inauthentic, and breaks faith with life (Sartre terms it ‘mauvaise foi’, bad faith).

  Is my pretence that I don’t have a choice an example of bad faith? I’m not sure. It is a strategy that enables me to circumvent my own neurotic tendencies, a strategy that would have prevented Buridan’s ass from starving. Indeed, Buridan’s ass may have had a very happy life had he adopted it. And in my own case, it has not made me shrink from life. Quite the opposite: I have committed to Greece, to landscape painting, to learning Greek, and to practicing Tai Chi… all of these are slow processes, and this strategy helps me get over the little ups and downs. But I would not have been able to make these changes and commit to these things if I had not recognized my essential freedom in the first place.

  This conflict is just a shadow of the more serious one that arises from my growing conviction that there are karmic principles at work in our lives. I am increasingly persuaded by the sages, mystics and monks who believe in reincarnation and who say that the point of our many lives is to lead us, finally, to liberation. There are many things I don’t understand: what aspect of ‘us’ gets reincarnated? How is it all organised? How can there be more people alive today than ever before? But what I like about reincarnation, and what seems intuitively correct, is that there is a point to our lives. Every new incarnation gives us the opportunity to burn through the accumulated negativity of past incarnations. Nothing happens by chance. The relationships that we have in this life are reconfigurations of similar constellations from the past; they repeat themselves until they have been fully resolved. When ‘bad’ things happen to us, they present us with the opportunity to resolve the blockages that are holding us back, and to grow in precisely the ways that we need. This is the amor fati of the Ancients; but is it true? Or is it just wishful thinking, the Panglossian optimism that Voltaire ridicules in ‘Candide’?

  A part of me wants to follow Pascal and his wager: we can never know for sure, so why not believe what is most beneficial? There is no doubt that I am happier believing that there is a point to my life, that it is one of many lives, and that suffering has a reason and a purpose. Of course, one cannot choose to believe just anything. But I don’t have to try to force myself to believe this; it is in line with my intuitions.

  As I have already indicated, I am increasingly persuaded by the idea that we are involved in creating the reality that we experience. Convince yourself that failure is not an option, and you are more likely to succeed. But does the same hold in the field of metaphysics? Do our thoughts, either individually or collectively, create the ‘reality’ we experience? I think that probably is the case: in significant ways, we think the world into being. The objective and subjective worlds are not completely distinct; if they are separated at all, it is only by a porous membrane. If you believe in reincarnation, then the belief alone may be enough to make it true. This is the perspective of many peoples and cultures down the ages: thought is primary and thinking (or dreaming, ‘dream-time’) creates the reality we experience.

  Interestingly, there is no way to disprove this theory. If Western science looks at indigenous beliefs and shows them to be false – i.e. a mistaken representation of the way things really are – this is in fact exactly what the indigenous perspective would expect, since Western science is also just another reality that has been thought into being.  There is no ‘way that things really are’; there are just different ways of thinking, and these create different realities.

  Belief in reincarnation and the doctrine of karma also seems to presuppose a deterministic world. I once consulted a Vedic astrologer in South India; his reading of my natal chart was astonishingly accurate, and specific. I questioned him about the assumptions underlying the reading. He confirmed that, from the Vedic perspective, the world is fully determined. The outcome of this life, and of all future lives, is already known. We will never change the course of our lives – even the changes that we think we make have already been determined – but we can watch our lives unfold with curiosity.

  Does this make life pointless and boring? Not at all. The Vedic astrologer drew the following parallel: Harry Potter’s life has been fully determined by the author, nevertheless, Harry himself does not know the outcome, and his life in each book is still vitally interesting to him - he believes that he is meaningfully shaping his future, although the author has already decided it.

  What to make of this parallel with a fictional character? If thought creates reality, then in a sense we are fictional characters, either created by ourselves, or by some much greater ‘author’. Can this parallel shed light on the question of how to resolve the conflict between the radical freedom of existentialism, and the determined universe of reincarnation and Vedic thought? I don’t know, but I feel that resolving this conflict – at least to my personal satisfaction - may be the major intellectual task of the rest of my life.

  In fact, it is a task that I have already embarked upon. Part of the reason why I am attracted to Zen Buddhism is because it appears to take one beyond rationality, to a world of pure awareness, a world that is not subject to the rules of thought, and that transcends conflicts of logic. The point of the Zen koan, as I understand it, is to shake us out of our ordinary way of thinking, and to give us an intimation that the world in its suchness is not as we assume it to be. These ideas are hard to frame in language, because language is itself a function of the rules that govern thought (non-contradiction, identity and so on); what Zen attempts to convey is a different perspective, beyond reason and hence also beyond ordinary language.

  In the end – at the end of life, at the end of thought – perhaps the best model is provided by the ancient lama in Rudyard Kipling’s ‘Kim’. At the end of his pilgrimage, he returns to the mountains and says: ‘These are indeed my hills. Thus should a man abide, perched above the world, separated from delights, considering vast matters.’

  *

  I am finally content where I am, and not ready to perch above the world, separated from delights. But nor am I free from all anxiety. I do, for instance, wonder whether I will ever be able to paint landscapes that will match the images in my head. But here again Jiro Dreams of Sushi has provided me with inspiration. From that film, I learnt that a sushi chef in Japan spends the first two years of his career just learning how to make rice. One cannot rush things. Start small, and stay the course. In my own case, I will start with still lives, and little by little, improve my technique (should you wish, you can follow my progress via instagram: konrad_ratibor_bohemian). If I find flow, and practise diligently, then I am hopeful that one day I will create work that I am happy with. But perhaps, in order to retain the sense of purpose, one must always keep aiming a little bit higher, as Jiro does.

  The life of an artist may seem very self-involved to you. It often does to me. But then I think that perhaps the greatest contribution that anyone can make is to find a way of life that makes them happy, and to share the path that got them there. Maybe in the end it can be the artist’s life that inspires others to follow their own passion, whatever it is, and realise happiness for themselves. I will conclude with Dr. Hollis’ formulation of the same sentiment in ‘What Matters Most’:

  ‘Maybe all of us will learn to grapple with the paradox that living our lives more fully is not narcissism, but service to the world when we bring a more fully achieved gift to the collective. We do not serve our children, our friends and partners, our society by living partial lives, and being secretly depressed and resentful. We serve the world by finding what feeds us, and, having been fed, then share our gift with others.’

[firstcorinthians-elevenfifteen]

Godliness with Contentment.

“But godliness with contentment is great gain.” 1 Timothy 6:6

Like I said in my previous blog post, I’m fighting to be content in this current season of my life. This is a scripture that I have been thinking about since the new year started. We live in a time where more is shoved down our throats constantly. You have to be more successful, more beautiful, you have to attain more money, more status..you get where I’m going with this. It leaves a lot of people thinking they are never enough. Even with cookies on the web, you are bombarded with more things to purchase all the time.

I honestly think that’s one of the greatest flaws of this generation.

We are too distracted. 

We have so much information that we are overwhelmed with it. Whilst its presented in a way that looks like it will benefit us, it actually distracts us from what’s really important and creates voids within us. For example, I confess, I can get lost on the explore page of instagram for hours. What starts off as me may be admiring an outfit someone posts, then turns into omg, she’s so pretty, wonder what her life is like..*clicks on page*...wow, she has such a nice figure (feels bad about self), and her home is amazing!...aye! her frontal is lit (goes onto aliexpress to buy a similar wig)...oh and her coat is on sale on zara (buys straight away)...back to explore page...oh I know her...aw her relationship is cute (feels lonely), how cute that he buys her flowers all the time (unrealistic expectations start to form)...back to explore page...aw, she’s an awesome christian...*clicks on page*...she’s literally on fire for God all the time (feels bad about self), (looks for something to feel better and fill all the holes created).

I hope I made sense.

As great as social media is, it can destroy us. So many people portray themselves and their lives as something it isn’t. Yes she has a great figure, but she most likely starves herself like mad and spends all her time in the gym so she can take a cute pic. Is that really goals sis? Do you know how many influencers with amazing bodies also have eating disorders? 

I think that’s why mental health is such a problem in this generation. Our minds are overwhelmed with so much. They’re always taking in something. It leaves us wanting, it leaves us drained, depressed, anxious, suicidal, broken, sad, the list goes on.

I was reading in a book the other day that there is a broken tax. When you have voids in your heart that you haven’t allowed God to deal with, there is a tax you force yourself to pay. It’s expensive too. It may be building soul ties through sex with lots of people. Buying, buying and buying unhealthy amounts of  clothes, makeup, wigs cos you want to look good all the time, for specific people to validate you. Wasting money on alcohol so you can drown away how lost you truly feel, the list goes on. It’s called broken tax because whatever you use to fill your brokenness, almost always has a financial cost, but usually it costs you your soul too. Which is expensive.

So for the past few months, I have been focusing on the good parts of my life. There is so much to be thankful for. So much God has blessed me with.

Yes, I might not be my goal weight, or have exactly what I want in life. But I have what others would be grateful for. I have life. I have a good job, a beautiful son, I have peace, I have the chance to serve God. I have a sound mind and a decent sense of style lol. I’m grateful for those things and more.

I appreciate and celebrate what others have too. And I recognise that what they have doesn’t take away what I have. We both have portions to be grateful for. 

Yes, I can and will improve myself and my life where necessary, but I won't be depressed because life isn’t a certain way, or I’m not a certain way.

God is writing my story, at His pace. Things happen in His timing, in His way and I can rest in the fact that I have the greatest Author writing my life.

I won’t let Satan make me focus on what I don’t have. That will lead me into a land where nothing can fulfill the thirst he has put in my heart. That will lead me into a place where nothing makes me happy.

But if I l focus on God, if I thank Him for what He has done, what He continues to do, and what He will do...if I love Him and serve Him and force to have a relationship with Him above anything else, then I know I will be blessed beyond measure.

I encourage you to do the same.

Just my thoughts.

- m x

[theafroglow]

excerpts introducing each section of Woodward Academy’s award-winning “Silent Voices” student literary magazine: 

Foreword

en·dan·gered spe·cies

noun

a species of animal or plant that is seriously at risk of extinction.

16,306 species are listed by the International Union for the Conservation of Nature as endangered. Each species becomes endangered in different ways – loss of habitat, overhunting, disease, climate change – but a common thread throughout each endangerment is human interaction and influence. Still, we could not be less concerned.

We think we are above it all. That, as humans, we are so intellectually superior that we are untouchable, immortal, and immune from the the disease spread by our touch. When in reality, we too must be infected to infect others.

We have caused almost as much ruin to ourselves and the most precious and malleable of our kind, our youth, as we have to the species we have threatened or wiped out. As humans, we have constructed a society that has endangered the American Teen, killing our youth’s confidence, sense of self, passion, and will to carry on, expecting so little, yet so much. But as teens, we may not even know we are on the edge of losing ourselves, impacted by everything, noticing nothing.

In this edition, we raise awareness about the American Teen, an endangered species on the brink of obsolescence, caged and held captive by societal expectations and limitations. Disconnected from what truly makes us teenagers: the wonder of life, finding ourselves on our terms, leaving our hearts to people and places for the first time, dreaming we can make a difference in the world, and genuinely believing we can realize those dreams. At the beginning of our path towards fulfillment, society stops us in our tracks by determining our intellect with standardized tests, calculating our self worth by the number of likes we get on Instagram, stripping away creativity and abstract thinking for regurgitation of information, and creating unrealistic, heavily photoshopped perceptions of the perfect human to compare us to.

Our leaders talk about progress and pushing towards the future, but with a species so stunted in its growth, on the edge of desolation, we can never be allowed to evolve any further. Through six chapters, we discover the factors of the American Teen that are endangered by modern society and their level of endangerment in hopes that you can help us change the outcome. The survival of our youth and the future of the human race depends on it. We are worth saving.

Chapter 1: Artistry (Vulnerable)

While the craft employs technique and talent, artistry in its purest form is a practice that does not demand perfect formulas or equations, but an untamed urge to create for the sake of expression. Artists express themselves by hurling the words they cannot say, the pain they long to forget but cannot shake, and the feelings they cannot communicate onto a canvas. But the viewers of the art tap into their own deep-seated emotions to empathize with each piece, interpreting it as if it were made for them, by them.

Now, everything is calculated. Anything not related to STEM is now considered useless by many in the federal government who propose legislation to cut funding for the arts in public schools and eliminate the National Endowment for the Arts and the National Endowment for the Humanities. Right now, teen artists are being told to take a seat at the kitchen table, drop their paintbrushes and charcoal, get serious, and look at the “big picture:” higher paying technical jobs are the only careers that will prevent them from falling into the black hole of poverty, a darkness people are easily sucked into, but almost never escape. Nothing but technology and innovation will propel the United States forward in the global market and the human race into the future.

But what future, what world, does any teenager want to live in without music or movies? Without the secret, sappy love poems written at night when you’re smiling so hard you just can’t fall asleep? Without your favorite beaten-up, dog-eared books that you take off the shelf shelf from time to time to look at teardrop stains blurring certain words and reminisce on how you felt when you first read it? We’d rather go extinct and have power-hungry corporate robots assume our place, which will eventually happen if we continue on the path we are now.

In this section, we explore what art should be – the untainted beauty and effusion of the artist – what it shouldn’t – a definite shape with a specific form molded and cropped by society – and the inevitable loss of art as the world continues to prioritize robotization and perfection over creativity and beautiful mistakes.

Chapter 2: Health (Near Threatened)

Our bodies are vessels, vehicles we maneuver throughout our lives to get from one place to another. Sitting in the driver’s seat, some of us are able to travel safely and quickly with ease, one hand on the steering wheel, the other searching for lipgloss in the glove compartment. Some of us don’t have to focus. Some of us don’t have to try. Some of us know they will get where they’re supposed to go.

For the rest of us, our vehicles work a bit differently, but no mechanic seems to know exactly why or how to fix them. Some days we are able to drive around just fine, our mental and physical health not affecting our daily lives. Some days we relapse and are caught in a tailspin, leaving a wreckage of cars behind us which honk and holler, but we have no control. Some days we drive through the endless pitch black tunnel that is our minds, with little to no light up ahead.

Yet, our GPS still tells us to keep driving as normal. To exhaust our engines trying to get to a light that seems miles down the road. They throw doctors, psychiatrists and piles of pills our way to keep our engines going for a little while, but we don’t even feel like we’re moving anymore. We stay in neutral, unable to feel anything good or bad, helplessly pounding on the accelerator but getting nowhere. More than anything, we wish to get out of the car and take a real step forward in our mental and physical health, realizing that the industry charged with tuning up our bodies focuses on treatments that improve their fiscal bottom line. Never on a cure that will fix our maladies permanently.

In this section, we discover how our bodies, the carriers that harbor our most precious cargo -- our hearts, minds and souls --  are not our own. They are affected both internally, by predetermined condition, and externally, by those who wish to take advantage of us.

Chapter 3: Home (Threatened)

A home is a habitat for the human. Since the origination of our species, we have found the basic needs from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs -- food, water, warmth, rest, and shelter -- within our homes. Without these baseline needs, we we wouldn’t be able to strive for love, belongingness, esteem, or self-actualization, most of which many homes also provide or contribute to.

Our homes are meant to provide a sense of security, as we enter the front door and slam the cruelties and judgements of the world out, then proceed to kick off our shoes and follow the engrossing smell of our mother’s homemade soup to the kitchen table. A sense of identity, as we explore the history, hardships, and traits of our people, who once inhabited our homes or homelands. A sense of love, as we nestle into the couch alongside a loved one and sit there together, exchanging energy, wisdom, secret family recipes, the worst and best parts of ourselves that we wouldn’t dare share with anyone who wasn’t forced to love us by the bond of blood.

But now we have compounded and confined this gargantuan, amorphous interpretation of home into four expensive glass walls, shiny, bright, and easily shattered, broken by actions beyond our control: separation, greed, divorce, and death. Someone always moves forward while another gets left behind, perhaps at the expense of the other, yet home is supposed to be the place that binds us all.

In this section, we see just how easy our homes, the brick walls sealed with mortar that we believed would withstand any storm, can fall to pieces with one slight blow.

Chapter 4: Relationships (Endangered)

Love has never been an easy thing. There’s always been awkward hand holding in the tub of movie theatre popcorn, writing “Do you like me? Yes or No” on a sheet of paper and sliding it to your crush across the classroom, and praying to God that you won’t trip over your words when you meet his or her parents for the first time. But it certainly was easier before the internet and social media came into play. Now we are in relationships with our phones, attempting to communicate messy, fuzzy feelings through a piece of cold, hard metal and black glass. We’ve taken “playing games” to the next level, constructing an algorithm of the appropriate amount of time to respond to a text or Snapchat for optimal interest: open the message at exactly double the amount of time it took the other person to open the message, and respond in at least double the amount of time it took the other to respond. You can’t use too many bitmojis or emojis to carry on the conversation, but you also can’t nix them completely, because then you’ll seem like you don’t have a personality or sense of humor.

On our social media accounts, we brand ourselves as completely different people. With the right lighting, camera quality, punny caption, and clothes showing off a Kylie Jenner-approved amount of skin, we display the most beautiful, likeable, funny, sexy, and witty versions of ourselves. We put on that same surface level front in our relationships, calculating every joke and flirtatious jab we make at the other to match the images we’ve constructed. It’s hard to make a real connection or find “the one” when we don’t even truly know the person we are posting mushy couple photos with. When we do finally lay rest to our guises and allow ourselves to be authentic and vulnerable with people, that’s a huge deal.

It’s scary and amazing to be human with another human. To tell them your deepest fears and share your worst memories. To show them your weird quirks and stay up all night on FaceTime looking at each other and marveling at the other’s smile, saying you’re going to go to bed in five minutes every 15 minutes. To tell them the truth about who you are, what you believe, where you’ve been, and where you want to go. To hear them say they’ll join you on your journey to that place.

But that feeling either fades elegantly or is severed violently and unexpectedly. Both hurt. Both make you feel like you made a mistake by dropping the facade. Both make you feel worthless. Both make you attempt to become the person you think the other would want, somehow thinking that it isn’t too late to at least make them regret it. Both make you wonder what you could have done differently. Both make you cling to the future, the only place where you can rebuild your image.

But that means it wasn’t love, because if you loved that person, you wouldn’t be able to mend your broken heart by retreating back to social media for validation, posting a #PostBreakup selfie and then methodically scrolling through every like and reassuring comment. Real love is gone. Real human connection is few and far between.

In this section, we see the highs and lows of relationships and how we deal with those in comparison to past generations.

Chapter 5: Identity (Critically Endangered)

Confined to a cubicle hedged with two-way mirrors like the ones you’d find in a police station’s interrogation room, we sit and stare at ourselves, unaware of the crowd lining up on the other side to behold and take pictures with the rare beast. A creature coined as both weak and dangerous. Both ugly and exotic. Both useless and entitled.

We grow up in captivity being told we are in control of our mind, thoughts, and opinions. That we are the masters of our fates and shape our our own identities. But in reality, we are products of our environment, which requires each one of us to strive for a specific hair texture. A specific gender role. A specific balance between prude and slut. A specific skin color. A specific sexual orientation. A specific religion. A specific norm that society is familiar with and understands so they’re not afraid of it.

We do tricks and perform for an audience we cannot even see -- that does not know us, understand us, or relate to who we are or what we can become -- to be rewarded with a scratch behind the ear, a new toy, or food to keep us quiet. We shape shift and contort ourselves, ripping out wads of hair, scratching away skin cells, removing our religious garb, or covering our distracting shoulders to fit into narrow crates they can seal, label, rate, and determine if we’re worth keeping, killing, or shipping off to the next zoo.

We pay attention to their judgements. We listen. We jump for joy at their validation and sadly accept and apply their criticisms. They give us ideals to reach for, standards to aspire to, but constantly remind us we are nothing less or more than everything they say we are, and we’re okay with that. In this section, we explore how our harsh, judgmental society impacts our sense of self.

Chapter 6: Hope (Extinct)

Hope is believing in the endless possibilities and continuation of life and evolution. Hope is believing things will be different. That we can constantly die and be reborn again as people slightly better than we were yesterday. When we didn’t have anything, we had Hope, but society has abused our Hope to the point where we don’t even recognize its face anymore.

We search for it in a crowd, but we can’t seem to find it. We only see endless streaming videos of police brutality and bloodshed. We see corrupt government leaders suggesting paths that do not reflect the better nature of men. We see people who are supposed to be role models relishing in the destruction of our planet, and people in the pursuit of power above all else. We see the good guy, capable of making significant positive change in the world, silenced and pushed to the side. We see our parents crumble before us, admitting they don’t have all the answers, who cry at night when they think about the uncertainty of our futures.

Hope says, “Enough is enough,” but feels like an unwanted guest at a dinner party. Hope doesn’t make a scene, doesn’t say goodbye. Hope just exits. Goes home, takes a cold shower, gets into bed, and fades away as fast as it falls asleep.

In the morning, we feel the shift. We feel the loss. But we can’t ever put a name to it. Hope is eradicated from our vocabularies. We stop looking for it in the crowd, because we are convinced it never existed to begin with.

This is the greatest endangerment to the American teenager, who was built upon hope. In this section, we attempt to repopulate Hope by recognizing that we lack it and realizing we must become it.

Conclusion

When beings from other nations or planets look at the remains of the long extinct American Teen, we don’t want them to say we sat and watched as our fellow man wiped us out. We don’t want them to say we didn’t care. About authenticity, ambition, growing into the most awkward parts of our bodies and emotions, making mistakes and learning from them, falling in and out of love, blaring music in the car on the highway, putting ourselves down and picking ourselves back up time and time again. About what it means to be a teenager. Because we care. We care enough to write these words for you in hope that you’ll understand. That you’ll become aware that we are an endangered species, becoming increasingly rare everyday with every part of ourselves that is manipulated by society. That you’ll have the courage to make a change before it’s too late.