#years of wanting to die and it never happened and now i dont want to ? and life is giving me this shit?
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#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
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honestly Noragami deserves some kind of an award for being the most intense downward spiral of "it can't get any worse than THIS, right???" I've ever read. I haven't known peace since Kazuma did that stupid spell on Yukine and it's only gone downwards from there
#we're on the FINAL CHAPTER. like even if it is twice the length of an usual chapter it is still the LAST ONE.#and THINGS HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIGGIN WORSE.#isn't the final chapter supposed to WIND THINGS DOWN and DEAL THE FINAL BLOW TO THE VILLAIN and then be DEDICATED TO WHERE ARE THEY NOW#so WHY are we doing THIS then.#noragami liveblog#noragami spoilers#like 10000 times over the past 9 years i've made the ''adachitoka when i said i wanted X to happen i didn't mean it like THIS'' joke and it#just keeps. happening again. yatori meets again after half a decade and it's only so that she can be MURDERED IN FRONT OF HIM#WHILE HE IS SCREAMING AND BLAMING HIMSELF AND THINKING ABOUT SAKURA AND HOW HE GOT HER KILLED TOO#YUKINE WATCHED IT HAPPEN BUT COULD ONLY BARK IN PAIN#and not only that. the GODS ARE KILLING PEOPLE THE SHINKI ARE STINGING THEIR MASTERS LEFT AND RIGHT#I HATE THIS. THIS IS SO EVIL. I AM SO SAD.#anyway hiyori better be fake dead. this better not be happening. idc if her return is unrealistic i dont CARE she CANNOT DIE
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OH. OH GOD. THE FLASHBACK SCENE TO ALL MIGHT AS A TEENAGER I THINK IM GONNA THROW UP
#but like. GOD#all those years ago a 15 year old quirkless teenager decided he was going to turn himself into a symbol!!!! and he did!!!!#and now forty years later he is ruined. his body is broken down & he may very well die doing this & it is not his responsibility to fight#but he does. he still does everything he can because!!! he!!! wants!!! to!!! help!!!#forty years later and he is still doing the same thing#GOD I THINK IM GONNA KMS#and like. when izuku asks if a quirkless person can still be a hero he sees himself#all those fucking years ago!!!!#kind of sucks they dont play into the tragedy aspect of it more#like you will ruin yourself for this. you will never stop doing it#and yeah. he watches the same thing happen to izuku
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Where else am I gonna rant if not to a group of random strangers that barely know me, right? So ofc I'm gonna rant here cuz these people have no idea who tf I am.
....turns out I have no words to explain how I'm feeling right now so I offer this emoji instead: 😔
#so i went to this 18th birthday aka debut of my friend and tbh its the first debut ive ever been to and i was rly looking forward to it#plan was to enjoy with my friends and all and i was also planning to get some ideas for my own debut whoch is two weeks after hers#tbh my debut is the bday that ive been looking forward to for basically my whole life cuz the other important ages i did absolutely nothing#for my first bday i was literally in the hospital so nothing there. in my seventh bday i cant even remember what happened. we went swimming?#so the 18th is what i always dreamt of. ive already told my moms this a couple hundred times and ive already thought out how i want it to go#then at the party i observed everything and i realized a lot of things. firstly that shit is expensive. while we used to have the money#no we dont and thats all just in the past now. second thing which i find the most disturbing is the amount of people#the debutante invites the special people in their life and while yes i do have those i dont think they can even reach the proper number#and also i rly cant see myself in that position yknow? being the center of atteaction with people telling you nice stuff abt how they like u#so thats made me quite sad that the bday ive always wanted is never gonna be mine. my biggest TOTGA...#at this point i just wanna spend my whole 18th wallowing in self pity and sadness. while i know my friends love me i dont rly think they#love me to the point of throwing me a lil party of our own like we did earlier this year to ine of our friends. im the spare friend i guess#and plus when i got home my paretns arent even talking to me or looking my way if not scolding me or getting mad at me#well IM SORRY i also didnt want to get stuck in the fckin road for A WHOLE HOUR while waiting for a ride home#and IM SORRY that im just wearing jeans to a debut. this is my frist fucking time going to a debut so how tf would i know???#plus a lot of people were just wearing casual so wtf 😒#all in all im sad and i want to go die
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its 1am. that means its 🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁 YEARN O'CLOCK 🥁 everyone is sleeping so i cant get up to write in my Yearn Notebook ™ so i will yap on toober 😁👍
#OH LOVE WHAT A CRUEL WAY TO DIE#Shakespeare could never#yk sometimes i think i too couldve been something similar to Shakespeare had i been born in a time where literature was appreciated#had i been born in a time where good books was the most interesting thing to happen#but we've got AI and subway surfers amd shit now#who will read shit written by a 16 year old girl who just wants to be loved#anyways#does anyone even read the tags?#reply to this with: the cacti are blooming if you read the tags#idk or dont idc#um#its late now#im probably gonna watch a movie but idk what to watch#rec me some movies if u read till here?#moon rambles
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I don't think I've had to exist so long before and now I am starting to feel something awful
#i have never been this scared or had to think who i am#ive just had to fix the problem#i am good at that! really good. but it requires others this time and there is no one#gp just asked if i had peed. not how much or how dark. just was there urine. thats not enough#the thing is. im deciding I don't care now#why should i? i cant fix it then who can? im the one doing the work here#3 options left. i get an appointment (not happening). i die. i just stay drunk (assuming I can drink anything)#ill even let him do it even though he doesnt know itll kill him#he deserves better. if i werent here then wed had died years ago. I deserve better than this#i want someone to make sense of this#because i do not understand#i dont want to right now because I need something else#i feel myself losing my grip so who knows what will happen
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*lays on the floor*
#vent in the tags i guess so heads up#ive literally had the worst luck this year#i just got in my 3rd car accident#2 in as many weeks#and im just#im so tired#i really want to die but thats inconvient and scary and itll make my mom sad and my fiance sad#bc it feels likenit just liles up and up and up#theres no end#and i dont have time to do what i love anymore#and i cant handle all the shit that keeps happening to me#and im just a burden on my parents financially even tho they say im not i am i know i am#my job sucks but i cant do anything else and this is like the most ive ever gotten paid but its still fucking poverty wages and im stuck#im too dumb to run my own business#i cant get any kind of mental help bc my insurance sucks bc i cant afford anything better bc my job sucks#its just a fucking never ending cycle#and im just tired#now my cars fucked again and i cant drive it now#who knows when ill be able to get a rental so im gonna have to pay out the ass for luft and uber bc i work at Bar hours#which means they charge more#and i love fucking 30 minutes away so even non peak driving times its still like 30 bucks both ways#and im fucking poor as shit#i couldnt even get fucking hurt in these accidents so i could get a medical pay out#i just want to stop#sorry if you've read this far#its sad boy hours here rn#ill delete this later i guess#maybe maybe ill just rot away like i should#whatever
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Losing my mind a little bc i just got to see my dogs and cat again so I'm sobbing like a loser bc sometimes the thought of mortality gets the better of me and I'm reduced to a puddle ↓
#mini vent:#i know to love is to accept grief esp with pets and people older than you#and that the solution is not to cut those experiences out of your life but to accept the pain as a part of the process#and as a sign your love was real and it happened and it was strong#but . its hard. itll never be easy. sometimes i want to die before them so i dont have to deal with their loss#and now that the tears started they just wont stop and they cant stop im feeling so.#it feels like im near my period even though it Just ended#idk. something about this year and getting older and being plagued with heart shattering nostalgia and memories#i know its the human condition but could it not be just once? just once? im losing my mind#bitch mantis
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...
#I'll put depresso talk in the tags to spare innocent bystanders#I just cannot figure out if the little cat is done for or not#like sometimes she seems better and is meowing super loud bc she wants to go out#and then other times she just seems... idk i look at her and im like is this it?#are you going to go to sleep and not wake up?#the most frustrating thing is that she was always skinny since she first wandered up to the door#and one day she'll love food and then the next she does not go near it#like treats that she would decimate one week the next she wont even look at and then the week later she will#she ate some chicken breat i cut up small today so shes not totally empty but shes def not interested#is this the normal thing she always did or is it like the same thing with my old dog#like its impossible to tell if shes just being her weird self + recovering from last week#or if its like something more serious#i looked at the paperwork the vet gave me and turns out they never did a blood test so ??????? wouldnt that be the first thing you'd do#idk man its just worse than not knowing for sure#if i knew there was no hope id be sad but its an answer#as of right now its just an unknown quantity and i dont know what to do for her#whatever shes going back to the vet tomorrow hopefully they'll at least give her some fluids since shes not drinking enough#and check her teeth and just see whats happening#Honestly after watching my Nana horrifically die in march I really dont want another death this year#especially since this cat kinda showed up not long after my nana and was a bright spot#like i wish she could just be healthy and happy
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if im honest i like king alistair w a warden queen! theyre happy ur honor!!!
#ACTUALLY im taking over the wardens story now. looking for a cure to the calling? whatre u talking abt#theyre supposed to have 30 years or so!!!!! granted alistair has only been a warden for 6 months or so when he says that but#and maybe joining during a blight also speeds up the taint but actually it doesnt ive decided. theyre FINE#anyway. alistair is fine bc of the therein bloodline ig? like how fiona is cured somehow bc of it#and.... dare i say..........#They Have A Child Sir. everything's a okay#ugh but the thing w morrigan. can u imagine wanting a child but knowing its unlikely to happen while one of u has one w a woman they cant#stand and the other still feels incredibly hurt#bc of the fact the morrigan knows the whole time#and i get it!!! morrigan is young and her mother is Flemeth and this is what she's been told to do and she becomes friends w the warden#knowing this so like. i see how torn she must be#she calls her a SISTER while knowing this and i can see it must tear at her but how can you just tell them that#oh it hurts. oh its bitter#i mean the betrayal of howe and then loghain has to make morrigans seem much harsher than it really is#and i dont think of it as really a betrayal from an objective pov but in the situation its already a lot what w the landsmeet and the news#that a warden has to die#i mean its all got to hit hard. there's no way ANYONES comin out of this in a healthy headspace#alistair thinks of his son he will never meet and rhia thinks of a stepson she never wants to meet and UGH.#i think they shouldve handled the whole thing differently. like morrigan should speak to both wardens instead of one#when u speak to just the hof and they have to go to romanced alistair it seems. unfair#ANYWAY!!!! IM NORMAL ABOUT IT#wytxt
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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Everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful everything is awful
#got my finals results and it's okay#except I missed 2 final exams and essentially they throw out the window and other good result I had#so essentially I failed everything#I genuinely want to die rn#it's the second year I fail and I dont know what to do anymore#im scared#so scared#of everything that could happen now#im never stepping out of my home ever again or else Im gonna run into traffic
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Ya boi got a new medicine and a therapist.
#i had another psychiatrist appointment after a year! (i tend to neglect my mental health)#ive been dealing with a lot of paranoid thoughts and shit and so i told her#and she decided to put me on abilify#one of my friends takes abilify! we'll be abilify buddies#and ive realized that i need therapy#ive had a lot of shit happen to me in the last few years#and ive just been ignoring it instead of dealing with it#and now i cant ever sit alone with my thoughts because all of that shit comes to haunt me#i just dont know how to deal with it on my own#and for awhile i swore i would never go back to therapy. because my first therapist was a piece of shit#'just get used to the fact that your best friend might die so that it doesnt hurt so much if it happens' -about my suicidal best friend#'think about what your mom's going through' -about my transphobic mom who made me want to kill myself#but i realized that my life and mental state is only going to get worse if i dont deal with the shit ive got going on#and when i called to schedule. i just called for the first available therapist. and the guy said 'oh she'll be perfect for you'#and i trust this man that ive never met#i looked up the therapist. she seems lovely#she better be because i have like four appointments scheduled. the man on the phone did that so i wouldnt lose out on any appointments#he was very kind#im glad im gonna get some help. still scared. but looking forward to it
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im startin to think i might actually kill myself
#cw sui thoughts#100% of the time when i say im gonna kms i am jokin but it is also a genuine outlet for me like ik youre not supposed to joke or smn but#even when i didnt joke about it i thought about it multiple times a week#but for the past few years i have thought about it so much and life has gotten so much worse sometimes i feel like im joking on it#and just sayin it alleviates it a bit. like the pressure of it. i wanna die so bad but i cant just Say that#but this month. i have seen the end of my life for years but i think i am finally reachin the end#ive missed every opportunity to turn out of this dead end and i think there are none left#i think im outta options. ive been tryin to be positive but i just dont think i can do this for another year. im pretty sure my life is ove#i cant do this. i cant pull myself through this anymore. the support i do have isnt enough and im going to die and theyre going to be sad#and its going to be my fault. everything has always been my fault my whole life has always been all my fault and even after i die#everything will be my fault. im a terrible child a terrible student a terrible citizen and a terrible friend and im a terrible person#and i dont want to be. but i dont have any energy. i dont have the energy to be anything anymore and all i can be is a terrible#terrible disappointment. ive been a livin achin wound for my whole life and now im goin to infect everyone i love with it.#i wish i didnt have to die. i wish id simply never had the nerve to exist at all. i wish i could take back every single breath.#idk how much time ill be able to squeeze outta myself but i have to stretch it 6 months. if i can just stretch it 6 months maybe i can#idk. at least hang out with someone one last time.#i cant forgive myself. no one will be able to forgive me and i dont and wont ever deserve forgiveness.#acceptance weighs heavy on my heart. i will not be forgiven by anyone. i am going to leave and i am going to tear down everyone i care abou#and i can not be forgiven for it ever#i am going to die#im sure ill be fine. i think im lyin but it hurts less if i think that this is just a dark time for me#just temporary and one day itll ease up enough that ill have enough energy to take a step into a nicer life and hold on when the next bad#thing happens#its just temporary its just temporary its just temporary#it HAS to be temporary. everyone always promises its temporary. it has to be temporary.
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#short vent#tw self oof#why is it that when my parents are away and I'm here in this house alone that i end up crying the most and being in the most danger#literally tuesday morning was the closest i came in about 6 years to actually having a plan to commit “jay is no longer with us”#thank god for catra existing to keep that from happening.#and then today now that they've gone to their beach condo for the weekend#I've spent two hours of the four they've been gone laying in bed crying my eyes out#because I got the sudden feeling that i dont have much longer left to live#and because i came to the realization that the world doesnt want me - has never wanted me - and that i was never supposed to be here#which led to the thought that if i did finally die *not* of my own volition Catra would be left here all alone and i can't let that happen.#anyways. make that two and a half hours of four now. catra came and knocked my phone out of my hands while i was typing this#and forced me to hold her head in my hands and wouldn't leave me alone#and then i had a breakdown over trying to explain to her that im not going anywhere yet and that she isn't losing me yet.#anyway so yeah idk. i'm 100% not ok right now. idk what the future holds for me or how much of a future i have left but.#right now i'm here and i am really *really* not ok. probably the furthest from ok actually.
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i wonder if i should post my sus thoughts here as well. hidden away, where no one i know can see them... lol. maybe ill make an alt for that
#NOT sus#been thinking of xav again lately#he hasn't found this blog yet thankfully so i can say whatever i want#he keeps saying really weird shit to me#along with things a---s (censored so he doesnt find it LMAO) used to tell me#i really wish i could just fucking talk to xav but i cant. icant i cant i cant i cant i cant#hes so fucking disgusting kill him die DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE GET CANCER DIE DIE DIE#he pretended to be a---s in my inbox for fucking YEARS even when i already knew he was gone#as fucking horrible as xav is i can imagine that he will never get over this#i was listening to music the other day. songs that a---s liked#and im only really now realizing theyre all depressing as shit#i feel so stupid#all of our text messages are gone#it's like he never even fucking existed.#i deleted our messages along with every single piece of art we drew together a couple of days after he stopped replying#i couldnt take it#i still cant take it#the only thing i have left of him is memories#and songs that he loved#i dont know anymore#ive been so suicidal recently#sure it's all passive#that doesn't stop the thoughts though#i'm not going to do it willingly#obviously#but if something were to happen#i think i would relax#and let it happen
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