#yeah ok.. I had a shower...
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#But like fr#you know when you have your regular family#And then there’s the distant “wealthy” side of the family#and they’re literally all weirdos and assholes#one of my older cousins had a baby shower#and they’re from that side of the family (she’s ok though) so of course they invited them#And after being stared down by one of my second(?) aunts bc recently word got out that I have a girlfriend (wow holy shit I’m a butch!)#I was talking to one of my normal cousins about my car and how I plan on getting new seats for it#It has really old leather-y seats and I wanna get the cushy fabric kind#and she just pops into the conversation and says “why don’t you just get a new car? The one you have is so ugly <3”#like what#i have a vw beetle and I actually love it so fuck you (also I don’t have that kind of money to get a new car but shh)#my cousin and I exchanged that “uhhmmm😬” look with each other lol#awkward#But I just say “oh yeah I’ll think about it :)”#While I internally try to explode her with my mind#But anyway#rey rambles#meme#dumb shit#memes#funny#relatable memes#funny memes#lol#best memes#lmao#tumblr memes#twitter memes#dank memes
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if i start to wonder what would've happened if arakawa did take The Right Baby and ikumi got back masato then no im not dont look at me
#snap chats#dont even look at me bro im not even playing#because OBVIOUSLY arakawa would then raise ichi yeah. thats a whole can of worms to open#but then what happens to masato ? ikumi and jo were already running back to get him#ok. more accurately IKUMI was running back to get him while jo was tagging along#so sure they open the locker and get him out but then what ?#assuming that the damage to masato's organs had already taken place what would they do then ?#would ikumi Also have rushed masato to the hospital? but then what ?#arakawa could have at least explained some form of the truth to the doctors and be like This Is My Baby Help Him#but what would ikumi and jo do ? would they admit That was their baby? because THEN what#or would they just give up the baby at the hospital then and there#assuming they even get to the hospital on time to save masato#like girl do not LOOK AT ME I WONDER SO BADLY WHAT WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF IKUMI WAS EVEN A MINUTE QUICKER#like whats the likely series of events to ensue... i almost wanna think they Wouldnt take masato to the hospital#they didn't even trust an adult to take masato instead of putting him in a locker#bringing him to the hospital would just invite a bunch of questions#and it wouldnt surprise me if the doc they saw wouldnt figure the real story#i HAVE to stop thinking i will be here FOREVER if i dont#anyway... to pivot.. i did some christmas shopping today //screams//#and while i was out this mate was like 'oh i really like your hair :)' and i was just. thanks :) i didnt shower yet <:)#every time someone tells me my hair's nice it is always on a day where i havent washed it and its like... should i just not#im not gonna even FINISH that thought NASTY but still. it is very funny lol#ok bye
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Swap au Kim gets drunk and there's a sweet spot in which he's having the time of his life and manages to forget all that's fucked up in his existence just going with the flow and everyone besides him no matter who they are and how the treat him, but less drunk than that and he'll get sober too soon and everythings gonna hit him all at once making him feel twice as miserable, or he'll get even more drunk to the point it completely switches and the happiness and getting along with whoevers nearby morphs into over trusting and sad and as soon as someone is like "look man you're not fine you should go home" he takes it too personal and won't be against getting into fights
#my posts#disco elysium#swap au#for organization tbh#i had new thoughts so#theres more in the replies bc i thought more later and wanted to add to it but didnt want to make the post longer or rb it#ok now back to the original tags#id like to say that i had this thought while taking a shower and forgot until now#and now as i was writing this a rainbow came out beauty of the world during me writing something sad lmao#anyways im trying to think of my own swap au guys a little bit#i mean i saw the others i love them i may take inspo of them unconsciously#but yeah#at some point ill think more about how he got to this point idk if its eyes or the whole discrimination hes ever experienced#or his repression snapping. or a mix#ill think it out later maybe lmao#adding tags i think i could have written the post better lmao#its not necessary a trusting and sad if he gets too drunk like yeah sorta v trusting but more like in an oversharing way#and... depending#like. still not too sure. willing to change this#i juat rather write it here rather than on a document for some reason lmao
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whats tough about like. Having Chemistry and spending time with someone at the start of the spring semester is that valentines day is coming up and its like a make or break point with what you may or may not Be and you have to question what direction things are headed in and its a pressure just Not present in the fall semester idk. idk
#we uhhhh. kinda hit a bump in the road ...... idk.#hes. been very gentle and kind and understanding about where im coming from and so we havent talked in a couple days but just ....#god ok fuck it. we were hanging out saturday night and at some point we were going somewhere where parking sucked so i just suggested we go#in his car rather than separate bc finding parking for ONE car is a Struggle. anyways so afterwards we went back to where i parked my car#and i hahahhaaaaa was NOT leaving. it was just past midnight and so we were just hanging in his car talking for abt an hour#in there at some point i told him about that last crush and how it dragged on and he was like jesus CHRIST sia thats a lot#i was reclined in my seat and shutting my eyes listening to the music and i caught him looking at me a couple times andddddd uh#yeah basically i ended up in his lap and then we were kissing and touching and grinding for like the next hour and a half#and he asked if i wanted to go back to my place and i was like uhhhhhhhhhhhh not now so we stayed in there and just made out & talked more#and then he TOLD me. basically hes in a similar situation i was in this time last year. like a girl he liked and was talking to actually#has a bf. hes sorta in limbo and she still talks to bim and is stringing him along and playing off his hopes theyll get together for.#entertainment ig. everyone at this school is fantastic btw. jesus fucking christ.#so yeah he told me bc he said he didnt wanna hurt me or end up fucking me over and that i deserved full honesty and didnt want to get my#hopes up. which i REALLY appreciate. we talked for 8 days he got carried away once and immediately owned up. i do appreciate that#so like. he said that we can just be friends with or without benefits and i said id think about it. then at like 3 am we went home and he#check in with me to make sure i was alright since he could tell i had a LOT on my mind. i said id call him the next day and so we talked#and basically i explained the reason for my apprehensions and why i said no to hooking up (csa) and he was really understanding#and then like. i just asked him more about what was going through his head the night before & he described it as a heat of the moment thing#(which i agree it was) and like. he was genuinely concerned about me tho. idk#i told him that after i got home i had to shower for an hour scrubbyat every place he touched me and that im tired of feeling used#and he really heard me out and listened. he also asked if he hurt me and i said no but it def could have gotten to that point and i#and so he said 'im sorry for making your life at all hafrder to deal with' and i REALLY really#appreciate him being as honest as he was. so i said its cool we can be friends but i just need some space rn & he once again was really#understanding & said 'for as long as you need. just let me know whenever youre ready to just be friends again & if you need me to stay sway#from [xyz places we hung out] just let me know and if you need anything for class just feel free to reach out'#and. GOD i appreciate him. so that convo closed out on good terms. i was worried id need WEEKS but it rlly was just a few hours after that#i was ok again. traumas all about narratives and before that convo all i could see was another instance i was usee but like.#after actually talking it out all the fear around it dissipated and i can just see it for what it was: 2 friends who got carried away#but i really REALLY appreciate how hes handled this and we're both single & attracted to each other and so the question im thinking now is:#crushposting
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:^(
#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^#thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too#n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but#also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH#n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl#just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh#to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha#anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE#but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like#an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse#its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow#i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee#but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others#like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺#im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh#instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some#of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess#idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad#for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow#and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea#YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future#whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now.#god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u#feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr#It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!
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been having some creepy stuff happen lately and who knows if it's paranormal or PTSD related ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#while i was showering a few weeks back i glanced up and saw someones head peeking over the curtain like 7ft up#no face just hair. long and tawny#that night when we laid down to sleep we said our goodnights and a moment later i heard from the head of the bed#'i love you.'#but it sounded way yoo feminine and young yo be my husband so i asked what he just said and he was like ??? literally nothing#he didnt hear it at all even though it was perfectly audible to me#a few nights ago i woke up paralyzed by the absolute self assured KNOWLEDGE that a girl was standing in our bathroom doorway#except her feet were on the ceiling instead of the floor#i was 100% too scared to look bc out of a dead sleep i was so so so sure#i pushed my face into my husbands back and staid there bc i was ckncinced if i rolled back her hair would tickle my face#which yeah ok ive gotten paranoid delusions and hallucinations before bc my ptsd is. severe lol#but not like this really#this morning my dream was interrupted much how it is when an alarm starts going off and you hear it in your dream#its dismebodied and you can consciously recognize it was real life without necessarily realizing youre dreaming#i had that except whispering? moving around our bedroom coming towards me#and the more i focused on it the more i could hear the cricket ambience i was playing irl while we slept#and i had the thought thats weird. whos walking around my room whispering?#til it happened pressed right up against my ear and i JUMPED out of my skin instantly wide awake in bed#i have no clue if its real!!!! but man. what the fuck lol
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listening to music on blast removing my own sutures x
#vibez tbh#anyway . i have my medical tape off rn bc i just took a shower#will remove this thing then put it back on . but anyway slightly sinking in. had a what have i done what have i#become kind of moment . like i am no longer in pain so i can think now . i cant feel my nose or my thighs or my jaw properly#looked at my face and i was like oh . ok. got held up at iran passport security started saying my prayers#and they were like we dont think you are the person in your passport. and i had to show them evidence etc like#yeah i literally am unrecognisable as a person actually. same w the UK e-gates#i have someone else hair laser glued onto mine. i have a part of my body#grafted onto another part of my body. i had my nose broken and restructured.#i had half of my corneal tissue removed to see better. on their own these are all minor#but altogether at the same time i look. different.#it's so fascinating. interesting . etc. like genuinely what the fuck#to wake up and just look like a completely different person . knowing you have been rearranged and subtracted from and added to.#i feel like an art project. i feel like art. i feel like a monster. i feel fascinated.#i feel fascinating.#still have 8 lives left its alright .#when i had femto lasik done (which is supposed to be pretty much painless) i experienced the worst pain of my life#this is because i forgot to tell them about the grafting under my eyes and because there were two initially imperceptible wounds/scars#in both of my eyes. i felt the heat and pressure inside my eyes and i felt them cutting into#infinitely small points of pain. my head felt warm and my eyes were melting. my doctor apologised for not seeing them before#and he told me to focus on the green light in the middle of the red and i did . and they spread into a thousand stars#and i kept repeating to myself JUST GREEN NOTHING ELSE JUST THE GREEN NOTHING ELSE until it was over#i spent the next day in agony despite the pressure lenses and the apologies#but that constellation of green and red overlayed on nothingness#and patterns generated by blood vessels and lasers#was one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen to this day.#maybe the most beautiful thing . i dont know.
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#started learning to skateboard this week. im doin ok with it!#only mildly dying cause im working different core muscles and ive fallen flat on my ass a few times#thank god i had a helmet on otherwise i might be dead fr rn lol i hit the ground HARD last night. anyway#tmi probably but: an unexpected side effect of skating is ive been showering more! depression cured! jk but yeah im proud of myself#showering is so hard for no reason. but ive showered three times this week!!!!! HELL YEAH#we'll see how long this lasts. i really do want to stick with the skateboarding. im having so much fun with it#also my board is so pretty now. i had to get grip tape for it cause it was naked when i got it.#delete later#maybe?#talkingdemon
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exciting day so far
#264 (the couple who pays extra to have their bed made every day (which is crazy)) knocked over a CLOCK in their room#the wife did it on accident luckily she was ok.but i had 2 hunt down maintenance to fix da clock and i thought i found a guy but apparently#he wasnt actually a maintenance guy So i might kms. but he said hed find a maintenance guy for me so..#bc my boss was like ok ryan (head of maintenance (wnd housekeeping but hes a maintenance guy. my boss is the real head of housekeeping lol)#might be in the maintenance shop. and i was like okie went in and he wasnt 💀💀💀 so i just saw a guybwearing black which i thinkk is#maintenance color and i was like halp me ! and he was like erm yeah ill find a maintenance guy for you ^-^#it was so awk tho. my job on weekdays (except tuesdays bc thats the day they get cleaned) is 2 make the bed and its usually umm#shes usually in da shower with her caretaker. not like eith but. ykwim. and the husband is usually asleep on da couch#but i got there like 10 minutes early so they were both up and also yhe husband was like Are you a guy can you help and i was like erm no#and i misunderstood i thought he was having like#a medical or#something else issue. yk. but then i overheard him talking to the wifes caretaker and realized he said CLOCK. and i was like ohhh ok..#but i finished the bed and said okie ill find a maintenance guy t come help asap :]#and he was like thanks 👍 hes very sweet idk if we had spoken b4. well probably but idr much of it#i think ive mainly spoken to da wife b4. shes very sweet shes had a stroke so its a bit difficult to understand her sometimes but shes very#nice.. i ws sooo worried thenfirst day bc allegedly we got there early (aka the time they usually went to do the bed) so now k do it at 9#which is mildly inconvenient but not too bad. ideally id be making the bed b4 i starty rooms 4 the day bc i have like an hour anf a half to#do my morning work. so i could just slot ir in real easy.. but its all good jo worries. but ya so she was kind of irritated the first day#and also it was my first time speaking to someone who had had a stroke. so i didnt realize thats just like. how she ralks and thought she#was just super duper mad. and i was like eep! but its ok.
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I feel like when ppl say tim is neglected it makes his story more boring but I also acknowledge my interpretation of it is like. More ‘what feelings would make sense based on what happened’ as opposed to ‘how can I justify the abandonment issues I see everyone else saying he has?’
#like for me I think a big deal for tim is that he had it good and wanted more#and the guilt that comes from that as more people keep dying around him#his friends his family strangers HIS ENEMIES#which. not too much positivity but I really like the care tim has for his enemies SORRY#thats smth ill give him a 10 on#i hate ppl pretending it was there from the start#like tim had to kinda learn empathy but that’s mostly like. writer classism misogyny racism shining through#but when he got there HE GOT THERE!#I’ll give u a 9 on that#Uhm anyways for me every hero has a guilt complex somewhere#i think tims stems from his unfair (eh. depends) resentment of the people in his life listening to him and taking him seriously#not bc he doesn’t want to be listened to or taken seriously#but bc to him every single issue boils down to when he chose Robin over the good life he could’ve had which he would never CHANGE#but To me in his darkest moments he can’t help a ‘I would never let a kid do this’#and It’s like. he sees everyone else who arguably started worse off than he did and hates himself for choosing this#hed never choose otherwise but he wonders if everyone else sees him as the PRETENDER he is! yeah u see okay#that’s why replacement doesn’t hit for me btw#anyways I lost my train of thought#OH#this is why i dislike trying to give Tim tragic home life#like it wasn’t THE BEST but it wasn’t some terrible lonely tragedy#it was ok. he chose greatness and tragedy over okay and now he has to deal with it. he made that choice at 13 and now he has to deal with it#forever.#that should be the crux of his issues as an adult to me idk#but not forreal#i think he should be hyperfocusing on that to avoid the real truth that he doesn’t want to move forward bc big changes lead to death for him#but yknow diff story#i think I said smth in the post and spoke about smth completely diff in the tags#just pretend it’s two different posts.#this was a lot of tim positivity…I need a shower.
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i thinkkk the whole not sleeping and whatever the situation is with my home and whatever else is happening right now is making me a little insane. i think i should take a shower for now
#97#cause i smell bad :( from the intense cleaning..#so its time to go shower now.. ok#ok yeah. just stepped into the bathroom and saw my clippers (i use them for my beard)#and had a momentary urge to shave my TWO YEARS OF PAINSTAKING HAIR GROWTH#definitely having a little insane episode due to not sleeping or eating.#gonna put the clippers away and have that shower and then actually eat the stuff i bought for “breakfast”#even tho its 4pm
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oh
#I’ve had the worst morning at work and feel really overwhelmed and burnt out etc etc#and as soon as I pulled into my driveway I burst into tears and after a few minutes I’m like ok let’s go inside have a shower and eat!#like we can turn this day around!#but i look up and my neighbour’s dog is sitting by my gate with her ball and it felt like my own lil guardian angel#and then I’m playing with her on the front grass and then my neighbour comes out and makes me laugh and yeah#the day is turning AROUND
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#oh me oh my#the dude from work uhhhh finally came over to hang out and yeah#like ik he works in plumbing and is younger than me but chat he’s so sweet wtf#and ripped cause he be lifting toilets and shower doors and water heaters n shit#so like ya girl had a time ok 👌🏻#needless to say I was NOT dissatisfied
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Ok but for real us being soft over the Vessels’ tummies has helped me so much today
Like my pants were falling off my hips all day again. The same pair of capris that I was wearing last week and made the note: “Pulling a Vessel with the way my (loose ass) pants (with stuff in pockets) are coming down my hips”. And uh. Same today again. And so I didn’t tie them tight enough (partially bc I like not having to untie them to take them off). And so they were under my belly button and sliding down all day. Which is fine. But especially when I was doing stuff they slid further down and underneath my belly. Held up only by a hip. And if my shirt lifted up then like. It was all exposed. Soft round belly. Love handles. That crease by your hip (and above it too) (far rounder than all the vessels combined but that’s ok I’m fat and it’s okay.)
And I’m. Okay with it. (Today). I’m soft and squishy and round and it’s okay. And you know what? It’s even cute. Cute and soft and squishy and OKAY!
#body image#tummies#I think I was sappier about it before I had to try to remember and retype it but anyway. I’m actually just. feeling okay about my body rn.#which I’m really happy about?!?#like even through the pain it does so much?!#I was able to walk around and see what shops were around in an unfamiliar shopping centre#I was able to drive with minimal pain (though I do have the seat warmer on for my back)#I got to enjoy some lake time though I didn’t venture through the mud so I didn’t have to clean my work shoes which are bad enough rn#I was able to bring up my bags and groceries in one trip#I was able to scale the salmon. zest and cut and juice a bag of lemons. cut up a bunch of veggies for soup and make all of that#I got a shower (hot for comfort of course) and did a small load of laundry that I’ll have to toss into the dryer later#and I haven’t fallen down. I haven’t given up. and I’m. doing alright?!?#honestly shocked. I’ll crash tonight but that’s okay.#and I can squat down to do things that are easier closer to the ground#(ok sometimes the knee kinda clicks? out and feels like I have to rip it back into place but we’re ignoring that bc it’s been a little whil#(though usually that just means I’m due for it to happen again and not be able to bend it for a while again… ah well#hopefully I’ve strengthened it enough again that I’ll be fairly ok at least for a while…#rambling rambling eh whatever#like yeah I’m fat and there are a few reasons it would be nice to be smaller but it’s not worth the Bad Things I fall into to get smaller#and right now I’m just? so okay with it??? and I just need to keep this moment in posterity bc I can’t remember the last time I was this ok#and even POSITIVE about my body?#(I mean yeah my boudoir shoot was pretty awesome but that was years ago now and also she edited stuff as well)#(and tbh i want to do another boudoir shoot at some point. but im doing at least a few tattoos first i think. make my body Home more so 1st#just kinda. relishing in this peace and …happiness?#this is good 😌#it feels nice to feel nice about myself and my body :)#shatters’ fragments
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You see oni is great because it's full of the lamest nonbinary people you've ever met except they're also all just some guy except they're also all massive freaks and also there's more of these freaks that are binary gendered it's just lame freaks all the way down
#rat rambles#oni posting#like even the ones that maybe seem likw they could be cool on the surface are so fucking lame its because theyre all loser ass nerds#every fun fact abt these guys is just yep this is nails theyre a rubix cube champion this is devon they have a blog abt toast#and then they hit you with the fucked up shit and you just stare into space for half an hour processing it all#and by space I mean the space tab in game as you close the database tab after having offhandedly clicking on the new log notification#quinn and amari honeys Im so fuckin worried abt what happened to yall#this is a bit win for me though the number one and only quinn fan#Im sure they would both be horrified and proud of my quinn's existence and acomplishments#oh yeah I finally moved quinn back home I felt kind of bad since the new colony was starting to look rly good but joshua had already almost#died to prepare for this so I couldnt just change my mind last minute#also I accidentally printed two lindsay's since I didn't realize one of my mods kinda broke the prints#but its ok it may be a bit awkward having two of them on the same planet but I can just imagine them as fun twinsies or smth#I actually do plan on making lil designs for all my dupes once Im done as a way of trying to fight artblock#I wanna lean into them being their own lil guys I am ocing the hell out of them#also yes I will be furryifying some of them but not all of them#would you believe me if I said that I did this because of olivia stuff and not because of furry stuff?#the correct answer is no but I do have olivia thoughts regarding this#and I shall proceed to not go into them because its late and I need to shower
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#was at a baby shower (first time at a baby shower) and I think I hate baby showers!!!#wow don’t wanna go to another one!#baby shower games sucked too#there was one where you match the animal to the name of their young and uhhhhh hated it!!!!#it was just. bad game. like some of the options were ‘baby’ and ‘infant’ and yeah ok a baby monkey is an infant I guess#but so is literally every other animal baby#and there were multiple ‘calf’ options because multiple animals have calfs and the person who made the quiz didn’t bother#you know#not having both cow and whale on the list#so dumb????#anyway it was a shit party#I didn’t know anyone there other than my immediate fam#and most of my immediate fam didn’t have time to talk to me because they were the hosts#so it sucked and was boring and I hope I never get invited to another one#like damn I had other shit I could be doing that day#and I feel like I did NOT get enough enthusiasm for my gift!!! I slaved over that thing! I was kinda hoping for a little bit more than#a very brief thank you and then ignored for the rest of the night#don’t know why tho I’m used to being ignored and I’m used to my crafted work getting shoved to the side#I shouldn’t be so petty like it’s mean of me to demand to be the centre of attention#I just always feel like I’m the unwanted afterthought#it’s not like anyone in my family tries to make any real effort to be around me#it’s hard enough just getting them to tell me when a family dinner is happening so I can show up for it#fuck me tho right
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