#when i had femto lasik done (which is supposed to be pretty much painless) i experienced the worst pain of my life
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listening to music on blast removing my own sutures x
#vibez tbh#anyway . i have my medical tape off rn bc i just took a shower#will remove this thing then put it back on . but anyway slightly sinking in. had a what have i done what have i#become kind of moment . like i am no longer in pain so i can think now . i cant feel my nose or my thighs or my jaw properly#looked at my face and i was like oh . ok. got held up at iran passport security started saying my prayers#and they were like we dont think you are the person in your passport. and i had to show them evidence etc like#yeah i literally am unrecognisable as a person actually. same w the UK e-gates#i have someone else hair laser glued onto mine. i have a part of my body#grafted onto another part of my body. i had my nose broken and restructured.#i had half of my corneal tissue removed to see better. on their own these are all minor#but altogether at the same time i look. different.#it's so fascinating. interesting . etc. like genuinely what the fuck#to wake up and just look like a completely different person . knowing you have been rearranged and subtracted from and added to.#i feel like an art project. i feel like art. i feel like a monster. i feel fascinated.#i feel fascinating.#still have 8 lives left its alright .#when i had femto lasik done (which is supposed to be pretty much painless) i experienced the worst pain of my life#this is because i forgot to tell them about the grafting under my eyes and because there were two initially imperceptible wounds/scars#in both of my eyes. i felt the heat and pressure inside my eyes and i felt them cutting into#infinitely small points of pain. my head felt warm and my eyes were melting. my doctor apologised for not seeing them before#and he told me to focus on the green light in the middle of the red and i did . and they spread into a thousand stars#and i kept repeating to myself JUST GREEN NOTHING ELSE JUST THE GREEN NOTHING ELSE until it was over#i spent the next day in agony despite the pressure lenses and the apologies#but that constellation of green and red overlayed on nothingness#and patterns generated by blood vessels and lasers#was one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen to this day.#maybe the most beautiful thing . i dont know.
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